The Masturbatory Adventures Of Physically Unstable Gaben

by Doomguy23

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 3624

One neckbeard. Two other people and a WHOLE LOT OF BAD WRITING. This is a troll fic i am writing with and for a friend. Please take into account that this isn't meant to be serious or good..

YEAHHHHHHH!!!!! Please note that this is a troll fic.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-11 02:20:15 UTC

Chapter 1

"That picture of Rainbow Dash was hot." Gabe said to himself after he finished clopping to Rule 34 of his favorite and gayest pony Rainbow Dash. "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!!!!!!" Gabe nearly died from a heart attack due to how much of an emo fatass he was when a portal to Equestria opened in the form of an Oblivion Gate within his room. "OMFG!"

"SCORRRREEE!" Gabe said as he realized his luck. "But I dont wanna go alone" Gabe thought. "I know i will kidnap some people who actually have social lives!" And with that Gabe attempted to get up from his chair and grab some rope but instead tripped on his fat rolls and nearly broke his neck. Gabe hadn't left his PC for the past 3 months. He had put on 300 pounds since then. Needless to say he was fat as hell. Coming to the realization that he couldn't kidnap anyone he sent his sister to go and retrieve someone. Slowly he laughed maniacly at his scheme! 'MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*GASP* CANT BREATHE! CANT BREATHE!" Gabe's gobbler got caught in his mouth and he passed out sending him into a deep sleep until the morning

When Gabe woke up he noticed his friends Brendon and Colton tied up next to him. Colton hadn’t seen Gabe in 3 months. When he first saw him he yelled HOLY SHIT YOUR A FATASS. gabe got mad and smacked him with a fat roll. Then he picked his friends up with his mouth and brought them to Equestria. He barely fit though the portal. Colton got turned into Rainbowhash and Brendon into spiked. Gabe seemed to have suddenly disappeared. Hash and spiked went in search for their fatass friend. Only to find he was hitting on Rainbowdash

"So uhhh you wanna come over to my placeeeeee la la laterrr?!?" Gabe said to Rainbow. "What in the hell are you?" Rainbow questioned. " He is a fatass" Hash called from behind the bushes. "Like oh my gawd guys you just ruined my chance!" Gabe said frustrated. "Huh? What's that i couldn't hear you. Your gobbler got in the way." Spiked said. "You cheeky bastard!" Gabe was tubbyraging now. "Chill chubbs" Rainbow said to try and calm him, hilariously this only made him angrier. "I will show you! I will show all of you!" Gabe declared. This time his words barely made it through his gobbler. "Calm down fatterson." Hash said mockingly. "NOPE NOPE!!!!! HERE I COME!!!! SQUEELLLLLLL!!!!" Gabe then charged our heroes and the battle began. DUH DUH DUHHHHHH!

"He is pretty slow" hash said. "wanna break out a joint" spiked replied. "ok!" hash said. They got pretty damn fucking high as a fucking kite. After 3 hours they realized Gabe was getting pretty close. so they just stepped back 3 steps. They managed tom get more time to finish their joint. They eventually stepped back far enough to where they were at the portal. They just stepped so Gabe would run into the portal. He got stuck. When hash and spiked realized they were trapped they went to get something slippery to get him loose. So they went to Fapplejackoff. he gave them his quality slip'n'slide sperm in a butter container. they rubbed in to the sides of the portal and gabe went right through. They left the ponyville and went home but first told rainbowdash how homosexual gabe is.

"NO! NOT LIKE THIS!"Gabe used his immense size to push our heroes back through the inter-dimensional portal to Equestria. The portal then closed with Gaben and Spiked and Hash in Equestria. "GABE YOU FATFUCKER!!!!" Hash and Spiked yelled furiously. "NOW WE WILL NEVER GET BACK HOME!!!" "YES THIS IS HOW I WANTED IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHA OW!" Spiked had punched Gaben in the face. "You dumbass!" Hash said. "Come on guys it isn’t that bad." Gaben said trying to pacify his obviously pissed friends. "REALLY?!?!? NOT THAT BAD?!?!?" Spiked said. Our heroes then decided to get on top of a nearby hill and observe the area. "Well theres Ponyville, a big ass mounta-HOLY SHIT THERE IS A CASTLE CITY BUILT INTO THAT MOUNTAIN! What is holding that up....nevermind, anywho there is a giant forest and over yonder there is Fapplejackoffs  Spermbank . "Well we're fucked" Spiked said as they thought about what to do next.

END CHAPTER 1

Chapter 2

Gaben was on the floor crying as we beat the fat out of his rolls. At one point he started bleeding. "WAIT! DON'T KILL HIM! We need him alive so we can make fun of him in the future and stuff!" Realizing this everyone left Gaben alone. Our heroes(and gabeN) grouped up in the market square of PonyVille to decide what they should do. "I say we split up. So we can cover more ground and shit." Spiked said. "Good point." Hash replied. "I will go to Rarity's house. Hash you go to that sperm bank and Gaben you go to that bigass tree library over yonder." Spiked ordered. "Got it." Gaben and Hash said in unison. Our heroes (and Gabe) headed towards their destinations with gusto and curiousity. Also Gabe was a little aroused when he thought about getting beaten up by Rainbow Dash.

"did anyone else get a boner when rainbowdash kicked me?" gaben said. "the fak?" said spike and hash at the same time. Hash started to speak. "Gabe how did you even get that portal in the first place?" "I was looking at pictures and... one thing led to another" "go fuck yourself gabe" hash said "already did" gabe replied. "Fuck this im going to raritys house, Go away gabe" Awhile later Hash came up to raritys door. "RARITY ASKITAPISTAPOOSHAT" "the hell you want boy" rarity said. "some asshole sent me here for some weird ass reason." hash replied "get the fuck off my property" rarity as she slammed the door shut. "WAIT! Would you like some girlscout cookies?" "how the hell did you get those" rarity asked questionisticalmacaly. "i beat up some little child-pony with light purple and pink hair" Hash said "get the hell off my property and never come back." Soon after hash got a phonecall from spiked. Spiked had asked if he had any progress. Hash replied "That stupid bitch just slammed the door at me because i had cookies!"

"I dont care how you get her to come out of her house just do it. I have heard about these guys. Rarity,Pinky,Twilight,Applesack,Fluttershy and Rainbow. We need to convince them to follow us to town so that we can get them to help us get home." Spiked explained. "Why?" Hash said. "Because they are the Helaments Of Armory. They hold immense magical power and if anyone can help us they can. So get Rarity's fatass outside NOW!" Spike said now getting angry. ""Fine" Hash said before hastily hanging up. There it was, a giant gleaming white building on top of what used to be some gayass farm or some shit. It was the Apple Family Sperm Bank. "Looks like I have arrived." Spiked said to himself as he decended upon the white gleaming structure. "I wonder what Gabe is up to......." The narrator thought before convienently switching to Gabe.

: Gabe was on the floor. He was really sad and couldn't move. And some asshole shoved a water bottle up his folds. Gabe was really despressed. but nobody cares about him anyway. So lets see what Spiked is up too. "well Ive arrived at this gayass spermbank, wait. wasn't I supposed to go to raritys house?" Hash was busy relaxing on a bench when he heard a loud yelling sound. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he remembered this voice and said "FUCK" he ran for his life only to realized he was destroying every building in his path. He was arrested for genocide. "DAMNIT HASH WHY DID YOU KILL PEOPLE" NOW WE'LL NEVER FIND THE HELEMENTS OF ARMORY."  "The helamuff of arfuck?" hash said questionably. "does that have somthing to do with armadillios?" he said. "anyways I am on death row and gabe is begging for a plushie. its up to you find get those armadillio pleasure tools spiked!" Then they heard a loud sound outside. It was satan destroying the city. "did you know i was also arrested for summoning satan?"  "this is why we can't have nice things. I knew i should have stayed in bed today."

Will our heroes be able to locate the Elements? Will they be able to subdue Satan? Will Gabe stop being fat as fuck???? Tune in next time to find out!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 3

    Spiked rushed outside to get his bearings on what was going on. “Okay, Satan is destroying PonyVille, Gabe is gone and Hash is in prison. How do I fix this......WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA! I could find Gabe, build a catapult, put Gabe in it and launch Gabe into Satan!” Spiked thought confidently. Spiked tried calling Gabe but this only resulted in the voicemail message. “He’s probably at that farm or some shit.” Spiked thought as he headed towards the farm turned sperm bank. CONVIENENT NARRATOR PERSPECTIVE SWITCH SWOOOOOOSHSHSHSH.  “Hey girls want a ride?” Gabe said from the window of his van to Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. “What was that mister? Ah couldn’t hear yall from your gobbler.” Applebloom stated.  “I SAID GET IN THE DAMN VAN!!!” Gaben said getting angry at the young fillies. Then an orange coated pony with a purple mane came up to Applebloom. “Hey scoots! What are yah doin here?” Applebloom asked curiously. “I’m here to tell you to stay away from that creep.” Scootaloo said. “ALRIGHT THAT’S IT! I AM GETTING OUT AND PUTTING YOU IN MY VAN MANNUALLY!” Gabe yelled through his rolls. “Mister we will kick your fatass back to McDonalds if we have to.” Scootaloo blustered. “I would like to see you try!” Gabe proclaimed. With that the three fillies beat the everloving shit out of Gabe. It wasn’t long until Gabe was lying on the floor crying. “C’mon girls, lets leave this piece of pony trash out to die and rot.” Sweetie said to her friends. “Alright I guess he’s had enough. So how are we getting our Cutie Marks today?” The fillies' conversation faded into gibberish as they walked away from Gabe and left him there to die. Then suddenly Gabe hears steps. “Hey fat fuck.” Gabe recognizes this voice and sighs. It was Spiked. “Hey tubby! I am talking to you!” Spiked said. “What do you want?” Gabe said in a depressed tone. “I need to use you as ammo for this catapult I built.” Spiked explained. “Why exactly?” Gabe questioned. “Because Satan is attacking the city and Colton is in jail for genocide.” The dragon said. “Okay. I will do it.”. “What? What is making you agree so easily?” Spiked asked curiously. “I’m done with life. At least my fatass will go out with a bang.” Gabe stated. “Okay!” Spiked said cheerfully. “But first we have to bail Colton errrr Hash out of jail.” Spiked said. “How are we going to do that?” Gabe said. “I have an idea….”

     The prison was in chaos. Guards shooting prisoners, prisoners dying from rectal cancer left and right. “I have to get out of here!” Hash stated. “Look! There’s a giant hole in the wall guys!” Hash said. “LETS GO!!!!!” The prisoners then trampled Hash and descended upon PonyVille. Hash then got up and went out of the hole to see Spiked and Gaben standing there waiting. “How did you guys get me out?” Hash said confused. “ I launched Gabe into the main wall of the prison.” Spiked said. “You guys do realize that you just let out hundreds of mass murderers, rapists and thieves that are heading to PonyVille right?” Hash stated. “Yep” Gabe and Spiked said in unison. Our honorable heroes(and Gabe) reunited, headed towards PonyVille with gusto to slay Satan with Spiked’s creation.

WILL OUR HEROES BE ABLE TO SLAY SATAN? WHAT WILL BECOME OF PONYVILLE? WILL I STOP WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EDITION OF THE MASTURBATORY ADVENTURES OF PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE GABEN!!!!!!!

BOSS BATTLE-1

  There he was. Satan. Lord of darkness and harbinger of doom. Also he has quite good taste when it comes to fashion, BUT that doesn’t matter now. What matters is killing this bastard. Amidst the chaos our heroes(and Gabe) arrive on the scene. “HOLY SHIT THIS PLACE IS GETTING DESTROYED!” Spiked said while observing the toppling buildings, dead bodies and fire that was overwhelming the small town.  “STAY FOCUSED BRENDON!’ Hash said to try and get his friend to pay attention to the task at hand. “ALRIGHT! GABE YOU NEED TO GET IN THE CATAPULT AND WHEN SATAN GETS IN REACH WE WILL LAUNCH YOU INTO HIM! OKAY?!?” Spiked tried to explain over the loudness of the city’s many riots and Satan’s chanting. “OK!” Gabe said this so loud that his rolls jiggled for a good five minutes. “ALRIGHT HE IS GETTING CLOSE! ARM THE CATAPULT!” Spiked ordered. Hash then pulled the catapult back. Satan, unaware that our heroes(and Gabe) were camped on the hill moved into just the right angle for them to fire. “READY?” Spiked said wanting to make sure they would get this right the first time. “READY!” Gabe and Hash said.  “FIRE!” And with that Hash released the catapult sending Gaben flying straight into the Lord Of Damnation. When the two beasts collided a bright flash was unleashed across the land a simple “HOLY BALLS FUCK SHIT!” was all Spiked could muster. The flash lasted for about an hour. However when it cleared it appeared that all former damage done to PonyVille was undone. Our heroes then decided to search for Gabe.  “Where the hell is that fatass?” Spiked  said. As our heroes went back to town They saw hash walking down the road. "Is that me?" hash said questionably. "whats going on here" spiked said "thats me at the spermbank. "something isn't right" hash said "that flash must've sent us back in time!"  "Does that mean that we can stop the madness before it even starts?" spiked said " I think so" hash said " i should go tell past me to go to the sperm bank like he was told" "and i'll tell my past self that your a dumbass and went to raritys house" spiked said. After everything got turned back around and everything was in the right place Past spiked was about to knock on raritys door. "RARITY GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE" past Spiked yelled "the hell you wa.... wait something feels out of order" rarity said "Nonsense. everything is completely normal" All of the sudden a huge explodiong happened. "WAHT IN THE HELL" Past spiked, spiked, and hash said. Satan emerged from the ground and started destroying the city again. then past hash came running to his friends. "That stupid bitch in the spermbank wouldn't come outside" past hash said. (random ass flashback) "FAPPLEJACK, GET YOUR FAPPING ASS OUT HERE" "get the fuck outta here" faps said "FUCK THIS SHIT" hash yelled and ran away to summon satan. (back to the present) "and thats what happened."

Aside from the mild acid trip our heroes continued searching for Gabe(n). "Oh well i guess we will have to find him next chapter guys." The narrator said while narrating this line after narrating himself. FUCK YOU NARRATOR!

WILL GABE BE FOUND BY NEXT CHAPTER? I DONT KNOW! I AM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS!

Chapter 5

"For the love of Hitler where is Gabe?!?" Spiked said. "I don't know Spiked." Hash responded. Spiked had an amazed look on his face but when Hash asked why he simply responded "Look". It was Gabe. He was.........SKINNY! Gaben was in the distance by the treehouse type thinggy and was hitting on Rainbow again. "So uhhh wanna come over later?" "Maybe" Was all Rainbow could say. "Hey fuckface!" Spiked said. "FUCK YOU BRENDON!" Spiked and Gaben then got into an agruement. "Well atleast I didnt use all the cooking oil as lubricant!" Spiked said. In the middle of this agruement a paper airplane hit Hash in the head. Opening it Hash realized that it was sent for the capitol city. Canterlot. "Woah woah wait up you assholes! I just got this letter and it's from that bigass mountain castle!" Hash said excitedly. "NO WAY!" Spiked and Gaben said.

They then began reading the letter out loud.

Dear Noble Heroes(and Gabe)

It has come to my attention that you have recently saved the whole world. Inside this envelope I have concealed 10 invitations to the Grand Galloping Gala. You will also be allowed to stay in my castle. All expenses will be paid.

Your's truly,

Princess Celestia

"SCOOORRREEEE!" Gaben said aloud. "SICK!" Spiked said. "Who should we take with us?" Hash said curiously. "We should probably take...wait." Spiked trailed off. "What?" Gaben said. "Read this fine print!" Spiked said.

PS: By all expenses paid I wasn't including that fat kid you guys alwasy beat up on.

"Hahahahahahah" Spiked and Hash laughed in unison. "Even the princess of wisdom hates you Gabe!" Spiked said. "Ugh!" Was all Gabe said.

"Well guys the Gala is in 3 days so we should pack our things" Gaben said. "WHAT THINGS?!?" Spiked asked. "BECAUSE OF YOUR USED-TO-BE FATASS WE DON'T HAVE THINGS!" Spiked yelled. "Fine. Gawd. Lets just figure out who we are going to invite." Gabe said. "I have an idea....." Hash stated.

: " So i think we should invite flutterguy. we met him 3 years ago in the realworld and he helped me with my research on potatoes." "but of course you have to invite kinky pie if you’re gonna invite flutterguy" spiked said "seems about right" hash replied."and theres you and me spiked so thats makes 4 tickets used" "what about m-" "shut up gabe" spiked and hash said. "I think we should invite obscurity I mean she hasn't eaten in like months" "Im gonna invite the internet too." "Any more ideas spiked?"

"Uhhhh how about Satan?" Spiked said. "WHAT?!?" Hash and Gaben said. "He won't be able to use his powers anymore. When Gabe colided with him he weakened Satan prettty badly." Spiked explained. "Next we could invite......Discord(God Of Chaos). THen maybe Raibow Dash. Lastly we could invite...."Spiked thought who they would invite."Me?" Gaben saSHUT UP FATT..UHHHH...HIPSTER FATASS! "IM SORRY MR.NARRATOR." Gabem yelled. "Who the hell are you talking to?" Hash asked. "Nothing. Just old war memories." Gabe said. "SPIKE! We could invite Spike!" Spiked said. "Good idea. Now let's head for the train station." Hash concluded. "B-but guys. Hey!" Gabe said. Our heroes ignored Gabe and headed towards the train station.

WILL GABE GET TO THE GALA?!? WILL SATAN EAT ALL THE SKIN OFF OF THE KFC?!? FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Chapter 6

Spiked, RainbowHash, RainbowDash, The internet, Satan, Spike, Discord, FlutterGuy, KinkyPie, and Obscurity, (with Gabe) Got onto the train they also saw AppleBloom, Sweetiebelle, and scootaloo. Hash said “What are you little fillies doing here?” The children replied “we are here because we beat up gabens fatass, who is that skinny guy with you?” “that would be…. Avocado our friend we met after gabe died” spiked said “but why does my name have to b-“ “play along gaben” spiked and Gabe had a conversation quietly. “Hang on guys I need to make an… Important phone call” Hash said as he dialed princess celestias number. “Who are you! How the hell did you get this number!” The princess said “that unimportant” hash said OMNICIENT NARRARATOR FLASHBACK SWITCH ACTIVATE! “So are you going to give me her number or not?” hash said “NEVER!” TwilightSparkle said “Then I’ll just have to kill you” “FINE!, Her number is :::-:::-:::: (Number censored for safety reasons)” “thank you” hash said and went on his way. NARRARATOR SWITCH TO THE PRESENT. Hash whispered into the phone “listen gabe got skinny and the children think he is someone else. Spiked made his name avocado, You must call him this or else the kids will kill him.” *hang up*

After all the friends got on the train they examined the rooms “ Whoa this train has a weed room!” hash said. He read the sign and it said B.Y.O.D. (bring your own drugs) “dang” hash said. “whatever” he continued as he pulled out a bong and went into the room.

Everyone had a great time on the train. They had discussions about their special talents. “Hash said he doesn’t want to find his special talent because he doesn’t want something stamped on the side of his ass.” “AAAAAH!!!” everyone turn there attention to the weed room. “MY ASS…. HAS BEEN STAMPED” This was true. RainbowHash had gotten his cutiemark. It was a lit bong with rainbow smoke. “ I guess your special talent was smoking weed.” Spiked said. “how do I get this thing off?” hash said “you don’t” everyone replied. “so now I am stuck with the image of a bong on the side of my ass for all of eternity?” “well there is one way” Flutterguy said as he pulled out a razor. “I would not recommend that. I was killed like that before” RainbowDash said *SQUEAAAL* “what happened Dashie?” spiked said “don’t call me that, and it’s a long story.” “has anyone else realized the lack of time passing?” Spiked said. “what do you mean?” spike said “well I mean not a single day has passed since we got here, also has anyone realized how similar spike and I are. We look the same and our names sound the same.” “meh” everyone said. “well what do you know. Its nighttime.” Hash said. “I’m going to bed its been a long day.”

END OF CHAPTER 6