Moving On

by Kaii-Leiko

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, Sad, Drama, Suicide / Self Harm, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 9080

A year after Twilight's death Fluttershy has trouble coping with her wife's death. An old foe complicates matters.

It's been a year since Twilight passed away from her illness. In that time Fluttershy's barely recovered. Her friends are worried about her but Fluttershy refuses to move on. Can her friends guide her back into the light? Or will she too succumb to the darkness?

Sequel to Disease in The Darkness

Published 2013-03-15 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-28 11:00:49 UTC

A Year Later

"Good morning, Fluttershy."

I hear her voice as though she's still there. My mind knows she's gone but my heart hopes that when I open my eyes she'll be there, laying beside me like she used to. I open my eyes and sure enough I'm overwhelmed with disappointment. Having her die on me was hard enough, but having my brain play tricks on me like that isn't making it any easier.

It's been a year now since Twilight died. We were only married for a few minutes. Then again the point never was to live a long and happy life together. I knew what I'd signed up for. I don't regret it, not really. I loved Twilight, more than anything. That's probably why it hurts so bad now. I knew losing her would hurt but I didn't think it would take this long to heal. At this point I'm practically ready to admit it would never heal. A year and the pain hadn't subsided. Not one little bit. it's not even only pain any more. I'm angry too. Bitter. Not at Twilight. None of it had been her fault.

For a while after she died everything was complicated. None of us could see how life could go on without Twilight Sparkle. She'd only been in Ponyville a short time compared to the rest of us but it had been enough. With everything we'd been through together we couldn't envision a future without her. That was only at first though.

Time went on and we all returned to our normal routines after the 'appropriate' amount of time grieving. One by one my friends stopped mentioning her. They stopped going to visit her at her final resting place. Their smiles returned and they'd all pretty much forgotten Twilight Sparkle. I guess none of them felt like I did. They don't miss her as much as I do

Whereas they all got healed and their pain subsided mine stayed strong. I still can't walk by the library without tearing up. I feel empty and hollow inside. There's a part of my heart missing. Twilight took it with her to the grave and I know what that means. It means I can never get it back.

For the element of kindness I sure don't feel like being kind any more, which only makes me feel even worse. It's a vicious cycle and just as I suspected with Twilight gone I retreated back into myself. All the courage she'd given me disappeared along with her. I was back to my usual, shy, stuttering self. It was frustrating, to say the least but at least that was something I could handle.

I forced myself out of bed, wishing I could sleep a few more hours. Sleep wasn't a relief either though. My dreams would rotate between nightmares of Darklight, the physical manifestation of Twilight's disease, and dreams where Twilight was there with me. We were living our lives. We were together. We were happy. So of course then I'd wake up alone and I'd start crying again. I do wish things could go back to normal, but I know they can't. Things can never be normal again. The pony I love died.

I headed downstairs and Angel greeted me. He rushed to his bowl and begun tapping his foot impatiently. I sighed and made my way outside to the garden. Angel had gotten even more picky than he already was recently. For breakfast he would only eat fresh carrots from the garden. They had to be washed, peeled and cut in half or he wouldn't even think about touching them. If I were honest with myself I'd admit it was really annoying. Angel is the only one I'm still kind to though. It's the only way I've managed to hang onto myself. If I were a better caretaker I'd put my hoof down and get him to eat what I made, or what was good for him. But I always cave in. That bunny has a way of making me feel awful sometimes. Not to say he's bad. He's really sweet too. For the first few days after Twilight was gone he stayed with me every night and comforted me through all the sobbing.

I brought the carrots inside and immediately set to work. As I prepared Angel's breakfast I thought about what else my day would consist of. The usual chores, taking care of my animal friends and such. After that the day was mine to seize though. What did I want to do though? The honest answer was nothing. But if I wasn't seen in town for a while it wouldn't be long before my friends came knocking on my door. I love them, I really do, but I'm not ready for things to go back to normal. And part of me is a little upset they went back to normal so quickly. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but I feel like Twilight deserved more time grieving from her best friends.

The moment Angel was taken care of I started work on the rest of the chores for the day. I gathered the eggs from the chicken coops, fed the hens (and the rest of the animals), I cleaned as though my life depended on it and so much more. Despite all that by the time I was done it was still only morning. I liked having chores to do because it kept my mind busy. Now I had to find a way to keep myself busy for the rest of the day or I'd think of her again.

It has been a year...Maybe it isn't normal to still feel like this after so long. I thought to myself in one of my moments of weakness. Internally, I glared at myself. No, I loved Twilight. So it was perfectly normal to be sad that she was dead. It would be abnormal if I wasn't sad. A sociopath. So take that logic. I revel in the few victories I get against myself. I'm the only one I can win an argument against.

I was just thinking about taking a nap again when I heard a faint whooshing sound and felt a gust of wind rush over me. This wasn't going to be fun because that could only mean one thing. I turned towards the direction the gust of wind had been headed and sure enough there stood Rainbow Dash. The fastest flyer in all of Ponyville as she liked to call herself.

"Hey 'Shy." She called happily.

Rainbow Dash had grown up with me, kind of. We went to flight camp together and had known each other since we were fillies. Rainbow Dash knows better than anyone how I am so she was more worried than the others. Out of all my friends she's the one who comes to visit the most. It's sweet of her, and I appreciated it at first. Now it was getting annoting. On my worse days I don't feel like being bothered. Today I'm somewhere in between.

"Oh, hello, Rainbow Dash." I said forcing myself to sound as okay as I could. Rainbow Dash wasn't fooled of course, she knew I was sad but not even she knew how much it still hurt. I never bothered to talk about it with anypony.

"I was thinking maybe you'd like to go flying today for a bit, catch up 'ya know. It's been a while." She seemed excited.

Her offer seemed innocent enough but I was suspicious. I couldn't keep up with Rainbow Dash on my best days of flying, and even at my best of flying I was sub par compared to pretty much every pegasus pony out there. "Oh, um, I don't know Rainbow Dash..." I quickly tried to come up with excuses. "I've got a lot of chores to do today."

"I've been nearby all day Fluttershy, I saw you do at least most of them." She grinned. She'd been planning this...

"And I'm pretty tired, I didn't sleep well last night." hopefully this one would work.

"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure you haven't been sleeping well for a long time now."

Shoot.

"Maybe I just don't feel like it." I said this time, being honest.

"This isn't about the flying Fluttershy, it's about spending time with a friend. We can do something else if you want."

No matter what I said I was going to lose this argument. I didn't know what Rainbow Dash was planning but I had a feeling I was in for a bad time. I sighed. "Okay."

**

We flew for a good fifteen minutes in silence. I was glad while it lasted but of course eventually Rainbow Dash said something. "So how are you doing? With...You know..." She trailed off, unwilling to say her name. Last time she'd said Twilight's name in front of me I broke down. It was awful.

I was already in a foul mood. "I knew that's why you asked me to come out with you!" I said it accusingly, snapping at Rainbow Dash even though I knew she'd done nothing wrong. Her eyes widened in surprise and I was pleased with that.

"Well, I wasn't really trying to hide it..." she started to say but quickly changed to her main point. "Besides, I had to. If we don't make you talk about it you don't talk about it at all. "

"Maybe that's because I don't want to talk about it." I replied.

"You have to, Twilight wouldn't have wanted you-" Rainbow Dash probably already knew the mistake she'd made.

I immediately veered to the left and brought myself to a soft landing. Of course Rainbow Dash landed immediately after me and I spun on her. I probably looked scarier than I had at the Grand Galloping Gala as I screamed at her, something so unlike me. "Did Twilight tell you what she wanted for me!?" I was building up to make my point.

"Well, no b-..."

"We'll never know what she wanted, Rainbow Dash and do you know why?" I interrupted her.

Rainbow Dash already knew what I was going to say, I could tell. "Fluttershy don't..." She practically whispered.

"Because she'd DEAD! None of us will ever see her again." My anger subsided as what I said crashed over me and my eyes teared up.

"Fluttershy..." Dash gently reached a hoof towards me "We're all hurting bu-"

I was suddenly angry again. "How DARE you!? You have no idea what it's really like to hurt the way I am. You and all the others walk around as though everything's fine. You guys don't even care anymore, you probably don't even notice that she's gone anymore do you? I NEVER forget though!" It was obvious Dash regretted coming to see me now, and I took satisfaction in that too. She could never hope to understand the pain of losing the one you love the most. "The pain I feel never lets me forget, Rainbow Dash." Somewhere during all the yelling I'd started to cry and I didn't even notice. I only noticed now because the fur on my cheeks felt wet.

"No, we haven't forgotten Fluttershy. We loved Twilight too. Life kept going though and it's been hard but we've had to move on. We'll never forget twilight, that's for sure. She'll always be special to us but our lives can't end because hers did." she sighed "I know that probably seems harsh but it's true."

I angrily turned my head away. It probably looked pathetic with the tears though.

"You need to move on too."

I angrily stomped my hoof. It was childish but I was distraught and didn't know what else to do. I turned away from Rainbow Dash and started running. I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was right, none of them would ever understand because none of them had ever been in love with Twilight.

I heard Rainbow Dash sigh as I ran, she yelled after me "We want the kind Fluttershy back."

For all I knew she died along with Twilight.

What You Want, What You Need.

I wanted to go home but I knew that would be the first place Rainbow Dash would look for me. I really didn't feel like dealing with her. I don't have many good days but today was even worse than my average day. I land, not quite sure where I am since I haven't been paying attention. I find a tree to lay under and think about everything.

I sigh because I don't know what to do. I can't help but think that Twilight would know what to do. She always had the solution to everything. More often than not she solved Everypony's problems in Ponyville. She was always willing to help. She'd tell me what to do. Even if she didn't have a solution, which I'm sure wouldn't be the case, I know she'd be able to make me feel better. She'd hug me, hold me against her. She would whisper that everything would be okay and I'd believe her because Twilight Sparkle would never, ever lie to me.

She's dead

I can't take it any more. I scream. I scream over and over again. I scream until my throat is dry and aching and then I scream some more. I'm hitting my front legs on the ground beneath me. I've been holding this in for so long it's kind of a relief to let it out. I finally stop only to find bruises on my front legs but they don't hurt but that's only because no physical pain could compared to what I'm feeling.

I'm so angry and I never even realized it until just now. I'm angry at Princess Celestia for ever showing Twilight dark magic. That's what caused her to die. I'm angry at my friends because I feel like they're disgracing Twilight's memory by being able to move on; like somehow she didn't mean all that much to them. I'm angry at myself both for holding on and for not being able to let go. Worst of all I'm mad at Twilight for leaving me. It doesn't make sense. None of it was her fault. I can't control it though.

I guess I really am a horrible pony. For months Twilight suffered. Her mind and body decayed until everything was taken from her. Well, not everything. My heart is with her and I don't think it's ever coming back. I hope that even now the part of my heart that allowed me to be the element of kindness is comforting her, wherever she is. She lost her life and I'm here whining because I have to live. It's so messed up and so wrong. She would be so disappointed in me.

How am I supposed to cope with losing her? One day am I going to wake up with everything being okay? Or am I really supposed to live the rest of my life like this? If that's the case I don't want the rest of my life. I can't spend much more time like this, it's too much. Trapped between numbness and pain is no way to live.

I just want her back....

I just want to know that I'm always going to be loved....

I've gotta stop whining. I pitifully pick myself up. Twilight suffered way more than I did. She had to deal with the assault on her mind by Darklight. I can't even imagine what that was like. The only thing I really remember is how it broke my heart to see her in so much pain and how I wanted to do anything I could to help...

"Darling..."

I turn around. Rarity's standing there. I don't understand. How did she find me? My face must have shown my confusion because she answered my unspoken question.

"Somepony heard the terrible racket you were causing and came to get me at the boutique." Rarity swallowed then took a few hesitating steps towards me. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"No." is all I can say. Rarity comes even closer, until she's close enough to touch me. "I don't want to move on." I say it without even knowing why. Rarity hadn't mentioned anything about it.

She probably already guessed what that 'racket' had been about. Her face softened and her legs wrapped around my neck. She pulled me into her for a hug. It was Rarity hugging me but all I could think of is how I wished it were Twilight. It was stupid, and Rarity would probably be insulted if she knew but I don't care. I hug her back and close my eyes, pretending it's Twilight. I start bawling, as I knew I would.

"There, there..." Rarity whispers. So far she's the best to try and make me feel better. She's kept her distance, most of the time. She's never pressured me or bothered me like the others have and now when I need it the most she's here giving me exactly what I need.

"Tw-Twilight..." I spit out between sobs.

"I know, darling...I...I miss her too..." Rarity whispers again.

I pull away and look at her, wiping my eyes. "You do?"

I think Rarity doesn't like the fact that I asked but if that's the case she's hiding it well. Instead she only offers me a sympathetic smile. "Of course I do."

"But you all seem so fine now." I say almost accusingly.

"Of course, but none of us are. I don't think any of us can hope to comprehend the pain you feel. The love you shared with Twilight is on a completely different scale than how I loved her or the rest of our friends. That doesn't mean we didn't love her though. Everyday we go about our usual business but there's a part of us missing. It's unspoken and we act okay but nopony can be okay with losing a friend. Especially one such as Twilight. Oh yes, we smile and put on a brave face but our heart is aching too, Fluttershy. I understand that you're angry and I don't blame you. You must think we're so awful, in fact I know you do but we're trying to make the best out of everything. For Twilight, she would have wanted us to be happy so we're trying to honour what she would have wanted. I'm not going to lie, it's difficult but we're doing our best. I can see that it has been rather hard for you though."

I just nodded. Rarity was doing a stellar job. She wasn't healing my pain but she was at least showing me that I was wrong to doubt my friends.

"Twilight was one of my best friends, as are you. I don't know how to make you feel better Fluttershy but try to remember something. She loved you, darling. Very much in fact."

Psh, no she didn't.

Huh? I've never thought that. In fact if there's anything that I've never questioned it was how much Twilight loved me. I don't get it....

She just needed somepony to take care of her...

That's not even my voice I'm hearing but I do recognize it. All too well. I only met her once at my own wedding, which she ruined but I could never forget. It didn't make any sense. Any sense at all. In fact it was impossible. I was scared and what do I always do when I'm scared? I scream.

And let me tell you this scream could probably be heard from miles away.

Author's Note

I didn't even include one of these in the first chapter! Anyway welcome back everyone, and I hope you're enjoying this so far. I know it's fast, and short for chapter two to be out but I had to get it out now...For personal reasons. I'm not sure when the next update will be exactly, as I'm going to be busy over the next little while so probably about a week and a half or so. I'm still not quite sure where exactly I'm going to go with this but at least tell me what you think so far.

Also it seems no matter what I try I can't eliminate those pesky errors. So I'm going to contact my proof reader and see if he wants to edit this story as well. I'm currently trying to fix DiD too. So much to do! These grammar mistakes really bother me though, because I know I'm better than that...Anyway, thanks for reading everyone! Also, look for me in the comments, I love responding to your guys's comments and I promise I will as soon as I wake up...Right now though, I need some sleep...

How Nice To See You Again?

It's dark and I don't know why. I was standing with Rarity, then I heard her and then darkness. I don't remember how I got her here but I know I'm scared. It's only now that Twilight's words come back to me. This place is how she described the place in her own dreams. The place where Darklight would torment her time and time again. I can't help but try to reassure myself. Darklight can't hurt me after all, can she? I'm not Twilight, nor am I a unicorn so how can I suffer from a disease only a unicorn can contract?

I'm not sure how much time passes but I squint my eyes, trying to see in front of me to no avail. It's weird but I already know what's going to happen. She's going to show up, I know she is. She's here, I can feel her presence. In the distance I finally see something. Two red specks, slowly getting bigger. They're getting closer. When she's finally visible she's illuminated by a red glow.

She looks exactly as she did when I saw her last. The dark lavender coat, the spiked red and black horn, she's even wearing that twisted smile she was known for by Twilight. The worst part is that despite how she doesn't look like Twilight she does. It stings. I turn my head away because I can't bear to look at her. The tears are already threatening to break free.

"Fluttershy." She says. Her voice is twisted but still it's Twilight's and my heart stops when I hear it.

It's not! my mind screams at me. I should know better.

It's not that I start to cry. I'm already crying and she hasn't done anything yet. I'd forgotten what Twilight sounded like I guess. The closest thing to her real voice sounds so different compared to what I thought it did and I hate myself for forgetting. I claim I love her but if I truly loved her how could I have forgotten her voice?

"Fluttershy." she repeats and this time I cringe.

I lower myself onto my belly and bury my head in my front legs. This is the same position I took when Darklight broke free a year ago. I overcame it though, and somehow helped Twilight regain control. This time I have no motivation to fight her. I just want to give in and let her have her way because if there's anything I learned last year it's that no matter how hard you fight you will always lose.

She hasn't spoken again, not yet anyway. She's circling me, I can hear her hoofsteps then suddenly they stop and she's right in front of me. From the space between my forelegs in front of me I can see her legs there. She's unmoving, showing no signs of aggression or of wanting to hurt me but I won't be fooled. She's evil.

"Don't you want to know how I'm here?" she asks, and she sounds only curious.

I raise my head and our eyes meet. I shudder both in fear and pain. Her red eyes are nothing like Twilight's violet ones, but her face...

"I don't care." I'm surprised to find out that I mean it. I don't care. I guess I haven't really, truly cared about anything since Twilight.

"Do you miss her?"

I cringe as she asks that. It's a stupid question. I try to glare at her but after a few second I after my eyes. She scares me too much. She doesn't look menacing or anything, just indifferent. Just because she doesn't seem like she wants to harm me doesn't mean she won't. I learned that first hand...

"Of course I do." I whisper, my gaze still averted.

My eyes glance up but only for a second. Darklight seems thoughtful and I have a feeling she's cooking something up.

"What if she could be saved?" She asks.

"She can't." I replied simply.

"How far would you go to save her?"

My answers surprises me "I'd do anything." It doesn't surprise me that I said it, but what does surprise me is how much I meant it. I would do anything that was asked for me, not even to bring Twilight back but just to see her for even a few minutes. "But she can't be saved." I repeat lamely. I'd gotten my hopes up for a second...Stupid...

Darklight sighs and suddenly she seems like her normal self. Whatever she was planning is ready to be executed. She starts walking towards me again. She leans forward then whispers into my ear. "If Twilight's gone why am I here?" she then pulls back with a grin.

My eyes narrow. "Just stop it, I don't want anything to do with this. None of this is real anyway!" by the end I'm screaming.

"Is it? Why don't you ask your friends then, they know all about it."

**

My eyes open and I'm confused. I'm no longer with Rarity, I'm no longer even outside. I know where I am, but I don't know how I got here. I'm at the Canterlot Castle.

Author's Note

A short chapter, sorry. I was at a staff party and got really drunk...My left thumb is broken, I think. I haven't gotten it checked out. I couldn't want anymore to post something though, it's been too long. I hope you guys enjoy it for what it is: an update.

Twilight!

From the moment Twilight died my friends have been there for me. That's why the idea of what Darklight said is downright preposterous. They would never hide anything from me, especially not something that concerns Twilight, my late wife. It would be the ultimate betrayal, and I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive them. I sigh, pushing all those thoughts out of my mind. The point is moot. I should be more concerned about Darklight.

There's pretty much two options. The first is that I've contracted a disease only unicorns can contract and am dying from it. Does this make any sense? No. Is it probably happening anyway? Yes. The second option is that I've completely lost my mind. There's some divine force that wants me to be very, very miserable and it's succeeding. My ears perk up; I can hear whispering. I force myself to my hooves and go over to the door to investigate.

"You heard her, Rainbow Dash. She said her name!" Rarity sounds agitated, concerned.

"It's a coincidence, or a nightmare. It doesn't mean anything." Dash retorts quickly but she sounds just as concerned.

"Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash. We both know that is a joke."

"It can't be true, Rarity. If it is...Do you realize..." I don't think I've ever head Dash sound so guilty.

"I've already contacted the Princess. Shining Armour as well. They should be here shortly. Princess Celestia said she was leaving immediately.

I look down to the ground and notice my legs are shaking. For a second I think that I'm going to fall until I realize I'm not shaking out of weakness, I'm angry. Very, very angry. What have they done? Is this somehow their fault? Why would they even have anything to do with Darklight? Had Darklight been lying?

"Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash gasps. "You're awake!"

I must have gotten lost in all my questions and during that time they'd opened the door to come check on me. Just the look on their faces told me I'd hear something I wasn't supposed to. Out of everypony, Darklight is the one who was the most honest with me. "What have you done!?" I scream.

"Darling, please lay down. We will explain everything once Princess Celestia has arrived." Rarity says.

"I don't want to lay down. I don't want an explanation. What I want is for you and Rainbow Dash to leave me alone!" I shove my way past them and run downstairs. This quickly solves the mystery of where I was taken; Rarity's boutique. Makes sense, I was with her when I collapsed. I make for the exit as fast as I can and take off into the sky and go towards the only safe place I have left.

**

It's been an hour and nopony's caught up to me. That's good, I guess, since I don't want to talk. Every minute that passes makes me more nervous though, because I know I'll have to deal with them at some point. What am I supposed to say to the people who apparently unleashed this monster into my mind?

"You don't know that for sure, love. You're jumping to conclusions. You should remember, they are you friends after all." comes a voice from beside me.

"I know." I reply with a sigh and nuzzle myself into the lavender fur of Twilight's neck. We're sitting side-by-side, one of my wings is around her to make sure she doesn't go anywhere again. She was gone for such a long time, last time...

"You can't hide out here forever, Fluttershy." Twilight sounds reproachful, as though I'm a filly who's just been caught red-hoofed trying to steal a cookie before supper.

I flush as I reply. "I know." I also know Twilight's not actually mad with me. She places a soft kiss to my forehead and I can feel her lips curve into a smile.

"I love you." my heart skips a beat at those words. I could never get sick of hearing them coming from her. Never.

"I love you too." I smile, a real one, and raise my head. I lean in, and Twilight does the same. Our lips inch closer, slowly, teasingly, the moment leading up to the kiss almost as good as the promised kiss.

"Fluttershy." The voice surprises me, it's not Twilight; it's coming from behind me.

"Fluttershy...Help me." This time it was Twilight who spoke, but she didn't sound the same as she had moments ago. She sounds like she's weak and in pain. Then she fades away and my heart rate picks up. I panic and pounce to where Twilight had just been.

"She was just here! Where did she go!?" I can barely breathe, I'm clawing at the ground. "Twilight!" I call out desperately.

"Fluttershy..." The voice comes again and this time I turn around to see Princess Celestia looking as concerned as though Equestria's fate hung in the balance. She must be worried for Twilight too, I reason.

"Princess Celestia, she was right here. Twilight and I were talking, then you said my name and she- she was gone. I-I don't...What...?" I can't even form a coherent sentence now, and I start calling Twilight's name again. My voice cracks and I shake the pink strands of my mane from my eyes. I don't understand where she went....

"Fluttershy, I think perhaps you should come with me. We should get you inside." the princess reaches a hoof towards me, hesitatingly.

"We- How can we leave until we've found Twilight?" Why doesn't she understand?

"Fluttershy, Twilight is...Gone."

"I know! That's the problem, Princess!" This is very frustrating.

Then it's like a fog is lifted from my mind and I really don't understand what's going on anymore. My behavior since my collapse this morning. Why did I run from Rarity and Rainbow Dash like that? I'm not acting like myself, and for some reason I went to Twilight's grave. I wasn't sad anymore though, because Twilight was here. I turn away from the princess to where Twilight and I had just been sitting.

"No..." I whisper. This is wrong. I'm not crazy, she was here with me. I felt her fur against my wing. I could feel her breath tickle my ear as she told me she loved me. I just barely felt our lips cross paths at the end before she...Vanished in thin air. That's when the entire reasoning falls apart.

If Twilight was really here, she wouldn't have vanished like that. Which means she was never here to begin with. My heart explodes, the pain of her death fresh; it's as though I just watched her die again. I fall to the ground and break down, the tears won't stop. I'm only vaguely aware of the princess lifting me onto her back and walking away, bringing me somewhere. I can't even hear what she says but I assume she's trying to comfort me. I don't care though, if I have to suffer through another episode like this I know I won't make it.

I decide to just let the pain take a hold of me for a while.

Author's Note

Next chapter it's time for the explanation of what's going on. :3

Tarnished Memories

No wonder Twilight hated this place so much. You can spend forever floating in the darkness. What seems like lifetimes can pass you by in the blink of an eye, yet somehow move eternally slowly. It doesn't make much sense, it's too difficult to explain. The only thing that I bother thinking of is that just this in itself is it's own kind of torture. The idea of Twilight spending night after night experiencing this sickens me to my very core. She deserved so much better.

I hear her approaching. the hoofsteps echo endlessly. When I can finally, although vaguely, make out Darklight's shape her horn, which is still as ugly and deformed as ever, lights the area around us. Not much, just enough to see her. Upon seeing her I'm suddenly filled with rage, but the rage quickly subsides. I experience a multitude of emotions one after the other: Pain, sadness, and even a little joy. That sounds sick doesn't it? Really though, Darklight being here is the only thing that even lets me know that Twilight ever existed at all. 'She will always be in your memories, Fluttershy' they said, over and over and over again until I came to hate those words.

What is a memory, really? If Twilight were here she would explain to me, without even batting an eye, that a memory is the faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information. I swear sometimes it seemed like Twilight knew the definition to every word in existence. Maybe she did. I'll never know now, will I? Because of this big...Bully in front of me. I almost chuckle at my thoughts, they betray the old Fluttershy, the element of kindness. The one who would have settled for calling Darklight a bully. I know what Darklight really is though. A monster.

She looks so much like Twilight, so much like my lover. The worst part is I can't think of Twilight without thinking of Darklight. To me they are now one and the same and that's not fair. I tell her that. "It's not fair!" I shout at her. The monster only tilts her head, confused. She doesn't know what I'm talking about and that only makes me angrier. "It's not fair!" I repeat. She took everything away from me. "You took everything away from me!" I stomp my front hoof. "I can't even remember her without thinking of you." The last word stings my tongue, like acid. "Because of you every memory I have of her is tarnished! Can you even imagine what that's like!? No, you can't because you don't care about anything!" I always find something new that is 'the worst part' but I think this might really be it. They are one. To remember one is to remember the other and it's not fair! I can't even think back to the happy times without thinking of how much they look alike, so I'm left with nothing after all. Not even my memories.

I'm staring her down, braver then I've ever been. It's hard to feel fear when you've already been through so much. All these bad feelings inside me, they've been with me so long and now I just want to give up. The weight is lifted, suddenly. I'm resigned to my fate. What's so bad about it anyway? I'm going to suffer, just like I deserve. Then I'm going to die. The thought pumps hope into my empty chest. Dying sounds wonderful, because then we'll be together again. I'll fall down onto all four of my knees and beg for her forgiveness. I'll apologize again and again for not being able to stand there. For standing by and letting her die. For not doing anything, just like I've never done anything. Always somebody else saving me but when it really mattered I couldn't even save her; and now I can't even save myself.

"You are the twisted one, clearly." I return my focus to her and for the first time I really see her, without being blinded by emotions.

She looks different. Not well. Skinny, and weak maybe as though she hasn't eaten in a long time. As though she herself is sick. The thought almost makes me smile.

"Now you take joy in others pain? You are no longer even yourself. Think of what Twilight would think if she were ever to see you like this." You bitch.

"I don't have to worry about that, because she's dead." I spit back at her. Only because of what she just said I realize how different my voice is. There's not stuttering, there's no fear only anger. My voice so full of venom is something I never though I'd hear. I always imagined me coming out of my shell as a good thing instead I'm left wishing I was still inside of it. "What's it going to be?" I ask, almost daring her. "You gonna torture me, physically and emotionally? Going to make me kill myself, or hurt my friends? Go on. I don't care, I don't care anymore! Give me what I deserve and then let me go to her."

Darklight only shakes her head from side to side, as though she's disappointed. "You can't help me, not the way you are now?"

"Help you?" I ask incredulously. "Help you?" I repeat. "Why would I ever help you?"

"Because you want Twilight back." Her reply is so...Matter-of-fact and my heart skips I beat. Then I understand. That's how she was going to torture me. She was going to put me through trial after trial after trial dangling Twlight's revival at the end like a carrot to keep me going. Then, just when I thought that I was going to reclaim her it would all be taken away from me. Then I'd die from heartbreak. No, I've already died. This new me isn't me. I have to stop pretending. "I'll never help you." Is the only thing I say to her.

"I asked you once and I'll ask you again. If Twilight's dead how can I be here?"

I roll my eyes. "Even if Twilight were alive how could you talk to me?"

"Indeed. Truth be told I thought I'd failed. Thankfully I didn't. We were left to weak to do anything. Only fragments were left of what was once whole. Everything jumbled and confused. We had to separate the parts, or risk not being ourselves. I was quicker, stronger, Twilight's soul still recovering."

"Your not making any sense." I hate to admit it but my curiosity is piqued.

"The casket. Did you ever see inside it?" she asks and I shake my head. I was in no state to see Twilight's body. It was a closed casket. I can still remember watching as they lowered it into the ground though...

"Once you know I'm not lying, that's when I need to return. Until then I need...To rest..."

Then the darkness is replaced with light.

"Fluttershy, no matter what happens you can't!" this time it's Twilight. It's her voice, not Darklight's. My ears perk up and I start looking around. Even if it's only a dream, or a hallucination like earlier I want to see her. Please, please, please..."Some things can't, shouldn't, be undone!" She's struggling so hard to be heard. Weak... Darklight had said Twilight was weak.

No, no. None of this makes any sense. Just as I call out to ask for help the light disappears, and it's not replaced with darkness. Instead it's replaced with reality; and if I'm to make sense of anything I know exactly what I had to do next.

Author's Note

It's been a long time, and I apologize but I'm back now. It took me a long time to figure out where I truly wanted to go with this. Between that and my busy schedule it took this long and this is the result. I hope you guys like it, because regardless I'm really proud of the beginning of this chapter I think I captured Fluttershy's emotions quite well. So jumbled and confused. I know I promised I'd explain everything in this chapter but I think it's going to have to wait a bit longer. I'm back permanently and I really want to get this story rolling, and not let it stop.

Hope you guys enjoyed it.

Flashback Special: Halloween

Author's Note

So this is crazy. It's been years. And I know this short, little flashback chapter isn't what you all want. But this seemed like the best way to throw myself back in here. I truly hope you all like it. I've been out of the fandom for a long time, life takes interesting turns. I still care about this show and this fandom, I just haven't had time to deal with any of this.

I want to finish this. I will, one day, I promise. But I don't even remember what happened in my story, not in great detail. I don't remember what I had planned, I barely remember the characters from the show. I haven't even finished the show!

Thank you though, to everyone. To all my supporters. You all push me to do this, you all make it all worthwhile. I love you all and I'll never be able to thank you enough for the support. That's why I'll try to get this done. I'm going to start planning and I'm going to try a couple of other things too. New stories, rewriting old ones... I want to do this right, so I need a little more patience.

For now, do me a favor and comment below. Tell me what you think of this little flashback, tell me how you've all been, tell me what I've missed!

Thank you everyo- everypony. Ha it's been a while. Thank you everyone. I look forward to getting back to all this.

PS. Follow me for some upcoming blog posts. I want to try and find some ways to connect with you all, so stay tuned for that.

Flashback Special: Halloween

Twilight's diagnosis was still rather early on when Nightmare Night came around. After all, it had only been a matter of months since she'd been told she had a year to live. Even less time had gone by since she'd gotten together with Fluttershy. It had been a crazy ride since then, everything was happening so quickly. It had taken so long for Twilight to get used to not using her magic. She went from using it every day to almost never. Sometimes she would try, just small spells. Every time she did she would get chastised since somepony almost always caught her. It was becoming something of a problem, somepony was always hovering over her.

Those first few weeks had been the worst. Her parents had stayed for a bit, Shining Armor and Cadence too. That had been a lot. Each time Twilight would walk into a room her family would put on a brave face. They'd pretend everything was fine, they'd pretend that everything was normal. Sometimes, when Twilight was at her lowest, she felt like she couldn't talk about it. Seeing them doing their best to stay strong forced her to remain indifferent about the whole thing too. Her friends weren't much better in that regard. They were walking on eggshells around her, with Rarity not even using her magic when the intellectual would arrive.

As one can imagine, starting a relationship during all this was nothing short of hectic. Getting time alone with Fluttershy was nigh impossible. Somepony was always interrupting, somepony always felt the need to stay around Twilight. No matter how many hints she threw out they just wouldn't... get it. Fluttershy was the one picking up on it the most, but couldn't overcome her shyness enough to tell people to get lost. This resulted in not very many dates, not much romance, and not much exploring of their relationship. That was the most difficult part. Fluttershy was, in a sense, the only source of light in this dark time. The only thing that brought peace to Twilight's aching heart.

Now with Nightmare Night coming up... There was more to do than ever. Twilight's family was gone (for now) but she felt like she was getting bombarded with everything. It wasn't like she wasn't looking forward to nightmare night, no, she was rather excited. It just would have been nice to relax every once in a while. The side effects of her blunder hadn't really started destroying her but there was a sense of weariness. She was getting tired, day by day she could feel herself growing more fatigued. Sometimes she wanted to lay in bed for hours upon hours. She wanted to curl up. She wanted to give up. She never did though. Not once...

Not yet... the moment the thought entered Twilight's head she regretted it. It was too early to start being defeated. She spent much of her time wondering how many of her thoughts were hers and how many were implanted from the darkness growing within her. How much was it affecting her? Physically? Emotionally? Even her irritation with her friends and family was that her? or her? Was there even a way to know? It was maddening, sending her into a spiral she couldn't escape. Negativity bred negativity, if she didn't get it under control Twilight worried she'd be consumed that much sooner.

Their main project had been preparing Ponyville for the younglings, the fillies who would be going out to get candy. A haunted house was being set up and even Princess Luna intended on making an appearance. The entire town was turned into a veritable town of nightmares. The weather ponies had even managed to get permission to roll some extra fog in. It was spooky, even for the older ponies. Twilight had been looking forward to handing out candy but then a thought struck her, making her rethink her plans.

This was going to be her last Nightmare Night ever. Ever. There would never be another one, not for her. This had initially sent her spiraling into a panic, then she'd cried, then she'd grown angry and lashed out. All the usual steps that came with such realizations and when she'd calmed down she'd concluded there was only one thing she really wanted to do. Spend the night with her friends. Lucky for her they weren't likely to deny the dying girl. Everypony had agreed and it would be the first time since the devastating news that they would all be together. Twilight hoped beyond hope it could be a fun night. Her final Nightmare Night. Just because things sucked, didn't mean she couldn't enjoy Nightmare Night.

The library was ready. The decorating was light, the focus for decorations had been mostly for the town. A few pumpkins were put up for ambiance, and the decor had shifted to a more orange tone than usual. She'd done it with magic, earning her a scolding from Spike. Using her magic, as much as it pained her and sped along her demise, was occasionally the only source of respite she could find. It quieted her mind. It had been a simple spell but had left her on the ground for several minutes, which is when Spike had found her. At least the library looked good, but Twilight had been wondering since then if the laughter she'd heard in the recesses of her mind was real or just her mind playing tricks on her.

She and Spike had laid out snacks, candy, soda. They had set up all the sleeping bags and Twilight hadn't prepared an itinerary this time. Not this time, this time she was just going to... wing it. That in itself was an exciting idea. Her and her friends, just seeing where the night would take them. The bookworm, ditching her lists and planning and going all out. It could turn into an absolutely crazy night!

As her friends arrived one-by-one, each in a costume of their own Twilight's heart only grew with happiness. She hated the thought of this year being the last of, well, anything. But maybe that meant they could make tons of special memories. Rarity and Applejack had shown up, dressed as one another. This had brought a chuckle out of Twilight, one of the first real laughs she'd mustered since the news. Both were clearly overjoyed at having brought some mirth to Twilight during these trying times. Rainbow Dash had arrived, as expected, dressed up as one of the Wondercolts. Pinkie came dressed as a cupcake. It was Fluttershy that made Twilight stop in her tracks though.

Fluttershy had somehow found a way to be even more endearing than her already cute self managed to be every single day. She'd arrived dressed up as a bunny, one that suspiciously resembled Angel bunny. The poor, yellow mare saw the look on Twilight's face and faltered, hesitating before entering the library. Their eyes locked for several long seconds, before both looked away. Fluttershy was the first to speak.

"Um, is there something wrong with my costume...?"

"No!" Twilight replied quickly, too quickly. She raised a hoof to cover her mouth and cleared her throat before continuing. "I just... was surprised,"

"Oh. Why?" Fluttershy's head tilted, melting Twilight's heart.

"You just looked so adorable. It made me... slow."

Fluttershy's butter cheeks flushed, and she kicked lightly at the ground. "Oh, gosh. Your mind is a lot of things Twilight Sparkle, but I don't think slow is one of them."

That brought Twilight to a smile, and she stepped forward. She brought her head into Fluttershy's neck and they spent a solid minute nuzzling softly. Were they cats they'd both be purring contentedly. Alas, they were ponies. And their friends were around. One of their friends cleared their throats, knocking both girls out of their tender bubble. They jumped, both turning towards the others and coughing shyly. This was just further proof that they needed more time alone, though.

The night went on just as Twilight had hoped for. They'd watched spooky movies, giving the two lovers a chance to cuddle. They'd swapped scary stories, gossiped, and just generally caught up. For a few hours, Twilight wasn't sick, for a few hours she was just a mare with her friends enjoying Nightmare Night. There was laughter and fun, and even time for a little romance, small pecks traded when nopony was looking.

As the ponies grew more tired, eyes growing weary but nopony willing to go to bed yet, they laid together in a circle. Spike had fallen asleep hours ago and the sun would be peeking out above the horizon before long. Somepony suggested trading what scared the other most, revealing their greatest fear. It had seemed an innocent enough idea, some silly bonding between best friends. Once everypony had a turn, save Fluttershy and Twilight, that was when things got awkward. For starters neither could decide who would go first.

Fluttershy was terrified from being put on the spot, desperation peeking through that usually shy demeanor. She kept glancing towards Twilight, revealing that surely, that was a part of her fears. Something to do with Twilight's death. Was she terrified of finding love only to lose it so soon?

Twilight decided to step in, so to speak, and cleared her throat to shift the attention towards her. Under the blanket she had a hoof overtop Fluttershy's though, just rubbing soft, reassuring circles. "I'm afraid of-" she paused. What was she most afraid of? She'd been afraid of many things in her life but they all seemed trivial now. "I'm afraid of what happens to you all when I'm gone." Twilight's voice faltered, choking up. "I'm afraid to think of how many Nightmare Night's I'm going to miss with you girls. I'm afraid of how much I'm going to hurt you by leaving," leaving was easier to say than dying. "I'm afraid of hurting you, I'm afraid of being alone but I'm afraid of being with you..." Twilight was growing almost manic, as the tears overflowed and hit the ground silently, staining the wood of the library floor. She placed her head to the floor, refusing to look towards her friends anymore. Then she said the most obvious thing, something everypony knew. Something they all knew but had been avoiding. "I'm afraid to die..."

Nopony said anything for the remainder of the night. They'd all huddled together around Twilight and comforted her until she'd stopped crying until she'd fallen asleep. Then they too fell asleep. They knew they'd have to do something, but that was a problem they'd need to deal with in the morning when all their fears had been safely tucked away.