Miraak's super fun time extravaganza in the Land of Equestria

by BlackShadow94

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7730

Miraak gets ressurected in Equestria and suffers from it's insanity

You might think that getting impaled by a tentacle would be punishment enough. And normally, it would. But not in Miraak's case. Oh no, he's yet to get his punishment...yet. And what better way to do that than to send him to the one place with the creatures he hates with a fiery passion? Yes, old hermaeus mora has sent our fine fellow to Equestria. let the games begin.

And by the way, this is not to be taken in any shape or form seriously

Published 2013-03-09 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-25 00:33:30 UTC

Meet some ponies and flip out like a madman part 1/2

Darkness swelled over Miraak, his soul stretching the far reaches of the afterlife where ever it would lead him. His stagnant soul passing by many realms. His soul was at rest, but Herma-Mora would beg to differ. He would not allow the one who betrayed him to rest in peace. No, Miraak would suffer a fate worse than a thousand arrows to the knee and a serious case of brainrot. His punishment, would be ponies.

Miraak awoke, darkness all around him, even in front of him. "Ooh, my aching cranium," said Miraak. "that's the last time I work for a daedric prin...wait a minute, aren't I supposed to be dead?" A few seconds, everything was silent save for the strange noises that he heard.

"How is this even possible? I was defeated by...him, that damned false dragonborn. If it weren't for him I would be in Solsteim right now, ruling in all my powerful glory. But then, he wasn't the one who killed me. It was Herma-Mora and his tentacles. And I do not wish to revisit that memory." Miraak shuddered. Realization has hit him, he is indeed alive. He blinked, saw only darkness. Again, and still darkness. Again and again he blinked and still the same thing. Darkness. "Oh gods...I've gone blind."

Inside the local library of Ponyville sat, Twilight Sparkle, who was reading an odd book labeled How to make friends and influence Changelings. Her eyes were half-closed, dark half-circles hanging below her eyes. Feeling about to fall to sleep, she made her way over to the fridge with a warning: Twilight's fridge, property of Twilight. Do not use except for Twilight.

She cupped a hoof around the door's handle, pulling it wide open. Inside was a slice of half molded cheese, several bottles of water, a carton of milk, a picture on the right side of her view depicting an image of Derpy. Above the picture was a 'have you seen this mare?' sign. Ignoring the bottles, the milk carton and the smelly cheese, Twilight, lowered her head and pulled out a can of Coffee. Why she refrigerates coffee is beyond even Pinkie pie's reasoning. If she even has one.

She pushed the door shut with her right back leg, placing down the can onto a counter top she materialized with her magical horn that stuck out of her head. She poured the contents in the coffee pot filter with already filled water in its tank. She pressed the magical device called, a button. The coffee was being made, now she just had to keep herself awake until it was ready.

"I've gone bloody blind!" Miraak panicked. "Now now, Miraak, you've been through worse, calm down...it's not working!" Trying to reassure himself was not working, just like his ugly step sister trying to be pretty. "Why? Why me? Why did I have to go bli...oh, I can see." Miraak stood up tall, actually able to see. "I was just laying face first...on the cold, wet, muddy ground." He grimaced. His robes were soaked in wet mud, along with his brass skinned boots and his mask. Looking around himself, was a dark forest, eerie sounds emanating from within the jungle mess of vines, moss and trees. Yellow sordid eyes staring back at him from the darkness.

Though he did not know it.

There was a loud scream, a very girly scream. It woke every pony in Ponyville up, angry and tired. Inside the library, Twilight rose her head up high, woken by the wimpy screaming, the angry shouting and howling. She looked at the pot containing her coffee. It was ready and hot but Twilight didn't need it now. She trotted out her door hastily, everyone was outside yelling at one another, accusing the other of causing the noise. Only five ponies were not shouting at each other, and they were Twilight's best friends.

She pushed her way through the angry crowd of raging ponies, only to find her friends just as angry as everypony else. Except Pinkie Pie, she seemed awake and full of energy. Girl probably doesn't sleep, but that's beside the point of the matter at hand.

"What the hay is going on, Twi?" said Applejack. "What's with all the screamin and the howlin?" Applejack's brow furrowed, her mouth hung like a upside down horseshoe. Rainbow dash was no happier.

"Yeah, what's up with that? I'm just minding my own business and trying to sleep and suddenly," Said Dash "I hear the worst imitation of a girl's scream come from the forest. Waking all of us up. Maybe even the princesses." Twilight's mind went through her cabinet of worst fears locked deep inside her brain and her eyes shrunk immensely. He friends stared at her worriedly for a moment. She shook off the thought and tossed it with the others. Inside her memory trash can.

"Well how should I know? I was asleep myself when I heard the screaming," That, and you should know what the howling was, Applejack. You live close to the Everfree forest anyway." said Twilight.

"Okay, yeah maybe ah do. But they aren't prone to attacking the farm at this season. But there was yelling in the forest, like Rainbow said, and I don't think anypony was out at this hour."

Then they saw it.

Or actually him.

Miraak, who was being chased by five, six no twenty timber wolves. Twenty. An odd sight he was. Covered from head to toe in dark blue robes, zig-zag borders lining the robe. Tan colored dragon scales sitting on his robed gloves and the upper most part of his arms. A brass, articulate band wrapped around both arms that were flailing about. His head covered by a hood and a oddly shaped mask.

Their jaws stretched wide open and long wise, pointing to the ground below them. A snail crawled by Rarity's front foreleg but her attention was focused on the strange man. Everyone was.

"I'm dead! I'm so dead! I'm going to...wait," Miraak said, coming to a halt of his running. "I have magic!" He turned his body opposite from where he was heading, looking at his predators charging at him. He bellowed "Please enjoy my bright, red, fiery balls!" Lifting his hands up, he charged powerful fire in his hands and let the fireworks begin. Blast after blast sent the wolves scattering apart like stone after an explosion. literally. Their wooden, moss covered, vine entangled hides scorched by the destructive element. He destroyed every last one of them, and struck a victory pose. "Glorious! My victory is glorious! None can stand the might and power of Miraak! The first dragonborn!" He shouted. However, his victory would be short lived.

"I feel like I'm being watched." He turned around and witnessed the very thing he hated the most. Ponies, bright, technicolor magical, horned and winged ponies.

"Oh what fresh hell have I landed in."

Author's Note

I'm going to say it right here...I REGRET NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. In case your wondering, Miraak is from the Dragonborn dlc of Skyrim. And it was during my playthrough of Skyrim that I thought of this story. Maybe not all of this, but the general idea. That, and Miraak deserves some kind of punishment for stealing our hard earned dragon souls.

That is all.

Meet some ponies and flip out like a madman part 2/2

The stare downs began, in one corner was the shocked ponies of Equestria and in the other was the all time champ, Miraak! Puzzled looks splattered over their roundish faces, while Miraak on the other hand, stood there shaking slightly uttering gibberish only Pinkie pie could understand. There it was, in front of him lay the bane of his existance, the one thing he despised, loathed and feared. Ponies. His brain overheated, like an average political debate in Congress.

"Abandon ship! He's gonna blow!" said the ceo of Miraak's brain. Thousands of brain workers ran out the door that said exit, which in reality was his right ear. He noticed the workers stampeding out in panic. Before they got anywhere away from his head though, he grabbed them all up and shoved them back in.

"Get your lazy rears back in there, I still need a brain you twits!" Miraak's voice boomed. Now the equine citizens raised their brows higher.

"Um, Twilight this may seem out of character but maybe we should clobber him, and send him packing to Celestia." Applejack stared at the loony sorcerer losing his absolute mind.

"I second that! Let's beat his brains out!" Yelled Rainbow dash, who flew at Miraak yelling an old pegasi war cry.

"Fus Roh Dah!" A great force of relentless fury blasted from Miraak's throat, and toward the flying, screaming pegasus, knocking her into a tree. No wait, it was just Fluttershy.

Both Fluttershy and Rainbow dash sat on the ground, their bodies twisted around each other and dizzy. A face hoof was in order for Twilight.

Miraak took another glance around his surroundings. He was definitely not dreaming. He let out a low growl.

"Oh I'm really going to kill Hermaeus now. If I ever get the chance to and when I find a way."

Miraak's eyes lowered to his sword, and back at the ponies raising his covered head. Their eyes now widened even more from unexpected fear. Twilight's eyes narrowed down at the weapon. Miraak caught on. And hung his head back with a laugh.

"I see you have spotted my weapon, pony. Too bad I'm gonna kill you all with it!"

Unsheathing the wicked weapon the magical warrior goes in for the kill. Swinging with a heavy left hook of his right. What he didn't know tragically was unicorns have telekinetic powers and Twilight has just acquired a large rock.

"You think a dumb rock is gonna-"

The last thing Miraak saw was a grey boulder that was mysteriously placed near the boutique. So thus, the winner of this round, and all time champ of counter trolling, Twilight Sparkle! Now bow before your princess.

Rainbow Dash, fully recovered flung her entire body, wielding Fluttershy like a club, at the unconscious lout before her.

"I'm gonna knock you into next season!"

Sadly, her sweet vengeance was killed by Twilight blocking her path.

"Okay, everyone we're not killing him. Not on this show. Children watch this show for Lauren's sake!"

"What about Sombra?" Pinke Puts on her best troll face.

"Who the hay cares about Sombra?! He nearly took over the crystal empire, so he can go burn in Tartarus for all I care."

Dash's rage filled grin twists into a large, disappointed frown.

"Oh, and Rainbow dash if you don't mind, um....put me down!" Fluttershy roared, bonking Dash in the cranium hard.

Rainbow rubbed her head painfully, staring daggers at Fluttershy.

"'Soon..." Dash swore with a gollum-like expression, staring at Miraak's unconscious body.

"Then what do we do with him dear?" Rarity asked, still not acknowledging the snail that was crawling around her leg.

"Well we need to-you have a snail on your leg." Twilight pointed out.

"Aah! Get it off, get it off, get it off me!" Rarity ran frantically around putting no effort to pull the thing off.

Twilight and the others tried to calm Rarity down while the others just stared.

"Rarity please calm down," said Twilight. "It's not working. Pinkie the tranquilizer."

"Way ahead of you!" said Pinkie who stood proudly atop an already unconscious Rarity who had a tranquilizer dart on the side of her rump.

"Alright, Applejack you take Rarity home and I'll shove this creep in my basement until morning. Then we'll get our answers."

Applejack stared at her friend worriedly.

"That doesn't exactly sound safe Twi."

"Oh come now. What could possibly go wrong." Twilight shrugged with a grin.

And so Applejack took Rarity home and Twilight locked Miraak in her basement and bound him in chains with help from a grumpy spike. The other ponies just walked back to their houses unsure of what they just saw this odd night. so odd Berry punch swore to never again drink alcoholic cider. And they call it a kid's show.

~To be Continued
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhMvKv4GX5U

Author's Note

Sorry about the Reeeeeaaaaalllly long wait for the next chapter. I just got uninterested for a while and probably not to writer active. I blame internet. And I pulled a LOT of shenanigans this time. Okay maybe not a whole lot. But anyway, like you know comment down below and let me know was it good or was it....BAD. XD Good day.

Don't screw with the Princess's subjects or she screws you

Miraak awoke in Solstheim, it was bright and the breeze blew through the robes of the majestic sorcerer. Except it didn't, there was no light, nor was there breeze. Only the dark room, of which Miraak awoke in and a cruel realization has been set. He's still here. In a land of senseless. Inconvenient. Ponies. He made note to tear the place down once he left, that is assuming he can escape.

"Oi, it's so dark here and I can't even see the disappointment in Sombra's character...Why do I know that?" His mind squirmed for the answer, there was none but the dark room. Of which in the moment he found himself bound by invisible means. Obvious since no fool can see in the dark room, and trying to would prove they lacked any common sense. The only one of the senses that Miraak lacked.

"Maybe If I move this way..." Miraak twisted his torso, hoping to undo the binds. This only made things worse as the discomfort set further. "Yeah...that ribs broken." Miraak spoke through a raspy breath. Another idea down into Oblivion like the rest. But then, another idea came. One that would surely get him out of his pickle of a situation, or rather, into another set of embarrassing inconveniences...

Meanwhile, in the chamber of Miraak's foul torturers...

"-I say we roast him!"

Several hours had past since the arrival of their strange fellow, and everyone had gathered inside the Golden Oaks Library. The location of which they have convened to discuss matters on dealing with this crazy twit. Rainbow was currently not happy being upper handed by this blowhard.

"Roast? Doesn't that strike you a little extreme, Rainbow dash? I know he tried to chop us into next Tuesday's dinner but roasting him is...ugh," Twilight backed up two steps, and raised a brow. The others glanced a look at their murderous pal.

"Twi's right, there's goin' too far Rainbow, besides there's a better way," said Applejack, undoing the knots in the rope in her hooves.

"Oh yeah? Well then let's hear your clever idea, wise mare."

Applejack paused for a minute, and looked over her friends in silence. And then...

"We'll just tie him to two stallions and watch him split like firewood."

The girls stared in silence, questioning whether or not their friend was a sadistic psycho mare or just clinically stupid. The jury is currently out on this verdict.

...

...

"Have you been smoking banana peels again, Applejack?" Pinkie pie piped in. Applejack froze in place. Smoked banana peels? That's absurd, surely she didn't...

"Gosh darnit Pinkie, I told you to keep that a secret!" The entire crew of friends, save for Pinkie, looked at the farm pony with wide gazes.

"Well, have you?" said Spike who walked in on the conversation.

"Uh...um...I was abducted...by alien unicorns..." Applejack's smile strained. Rarity's brows furrowed at the suggestion.

"Alien Unicorns!?" A thick aura of blue surrounded Rarity's horn, preparing to blast Applejack with full frontal fury.

Soon after the first shot was made, the entirety of the group exploded into argument. Something of alien unicorns, roasting, banana peels and oddly hobbits. It would seem nothing productive would be going on anytime soon.

"Feim Zii Gron!

A deep voice and rattling chains echoed from below, rising from the cellar and into the booked room, followed by a crazed praise to mighty Talos. They all shut up, and stood deathly still. They were all too busy arguing to realize Miraak had just escaped his enchanted prison of chains.

"Oh Celestia's fat ass," Twilight muttered. The next scene followed with what many would describe as...silly.

Miraak's wispy form leaped into the room, a swinging chain guided by his flailing arms aimed at them.

"Aha! Foul creatures from Oblivion, I have escaped your foolish little binds and now I hold the chains to the mutt!"

"Um...excuse me, sir. But they liked to be called small wolves, if that's...fine with you," Fluttershy spoke up, who stood dangerously close to the chain wielding psychopath. Miraak turned his head downward, and his nerves blazed. No one has ever questioned Miraak's knowledge. No one.

"Silence small pony!" Miraak roared, and his chains of doom knocked the yellow pegasus across the room. Rainbow's face erupted and she dove after the man, wings spread wide.

Crack!

Rainbow dash passed right through Miraak, and smashed into the oaken shelved bookcase, which fell upon her small stature. She had not realized he had taken his ethereal form.

"Fools! I'm invincible!" laughed the crazy dragonborn. The others tried to apprehend him, but like their blue friend they went through him like a cloud, and he lashed the chain out like a flying nunchuck, imitating Bruce Lee cries.

It was no use.

Miraak truly was invincible, and Twilight lost all hope. Everyone was far too fatigued to stop him as he rushed for the door, turned, and said, "Prepare yourselves, hoofed creatures because once I'm done here, I'm gonna turn your entire realm into a glue factory!" Miraak had no idea what glue was, or a factory but he knew it was bad. And bad means good for Miraak. And with that, he turned back to the door, thrust his arm forward and pushed it open with ease. Freedom was his.

...Or not.

And there, stood only the mightiest ruler of all Equestria, the sun's light casting an aura around her crowned head. Celestia. And she saw her subjects beaten and the place a mess. Spike somehow had mysteriously left the scene before the madness began. Her face couldn't be any redder.

"Ooh, Master Mora I'm going kill you if I ever get out of here," Miraak whispered to himself, his fate realized regrettably.

Author's Note

I must apologize for the lateness, I found it hard to write again...and I got a little lazy. Yeah...sorry about that. Anyway, here's the next chapter, and don't say I didn't warn you. Because I didn't. XD

Evasive maneuvers!(Edited)

...In a treehouse with horse-things!...

With no time to waste, Miraak pointed his finger behind Celestia and said, "Look! It's Carmen Sandiego!" Celestia's attention thrust from the would be punished sorcerer, and she stared behind her holy rump. The only thing that was there was Big Macintosh standing around like a fool and her gullibility. She cast her glare back at Miraak, but he was gone! The other ponies would have seen him, but he had momentarily blinded them with pepper spray. Yes, a high fantasy, spell wielding dragonslayer has pepper spray. And it hurt. A lot. So much to the point Rarity was bleating like a lamb in a slaughter house.

"By the dirty beard of Starswirl! I'm losing my grip!" shouted Celestia, whose own, almost God-like mind couldn't begin piecing together this ridiculous event. "Oh, and he's set a bookcase on fire, and jumped out a window. Lovely." Celestia's eyes widened instantly.

...Somewhere in Ponyville...

"Aiiii!" said the crumpled figure of Miraak, who had fallen outside the tree house, and broken, dislocated and popped out a few bones from his shins. His right arm was wrapped painfully around the back of his head, his left arm bended backwards, and both his legs twisted insanely like pretzels. "My...body....it hurts. Need...health potion!" he wheezed as he tried moving his right arm around, and reached for his satchel. The joint popped, and he yelled loudly. A couple of fillies came around laughing, especially two well groomed ones with marks. To Miraak, Fillies are what you get when you put a pig in a horse breeding chamber. The results are vomit inducing. At least to Miraak.

Finally, his hand speared right into the satchel, pulled out a red vial, and with the swift movements of his head, he removed his mask and downed the contents. Without a single moment to blink, his body started to shift back into its original shape...and many fillies ran because of Miraak's face, and I shall not describe now the horror of that disaster. He slapped on his mask, and shook a fist at the screaming, little ponies. "One day," he said. "one day." Then he heard it.

"Stop right there lawbreaking scum!" The voice belonged to their leader no doubt, but the words he knew all too well, back in his time in Cyrodill.

Miraak instantly made a left detour down Filly fooler Road, (why it was called that, I don't know. But rumors are rumors.) and dashed through the streets until he met Corporal Punishment, otherwise known as the other Alicorn, Princess Luna. She wasn't considerably happy, given the other night kept her awake most the time.

Cornered by two angry Princesses, and a round of injured, eye irritated and generally unhappy ponies who looked like they wanted to bop Miraak good. Except for Pinkie, who was oddly absent from the group. But Miraak still has a backup plan.

He waved a hand out, and stopped their advances. And from his wonderful satchel, was a large, glass bottle, white liquid dancing around inside.

Rarity keeled over, and tossed her metaphorical cookies upon the dirt road.

"Okay, now that's just sick! What pepper spraying us, and whipping with chains wasn't enough? Now you gotta threaten us with stallion's DNA? What sort of twisted, nutcase are you?!" Twilight almost shouted at the bottle holding masked man.

It took Miraak but a moment to realize what Twilight meant by DNA, and he himself wanted to hurl. But then his former grin returned under his masked face, and grew wider.

He turned his body around many times, swinging his arm around, carrying the potion.

"You mean, this potion?" Miraak's voice began to screech, a few cackles would escape his throat.

"Get that thing away! Have thou no decency!" said Luna, who hadn't the stomach for this kind of blatant vulgarity.

And then he did something that horrifies them to this day.

He lifted up his mask slightly, and gorged himself on the pale liquid. Safe to say, the local pony street sweeper would find plenty to clean up after this ordeal.

Miraak finished with a satisfied sigh, and smiled, "Well, toodlepip my horse-things!" And with a "poof!" he was gone!

And Celestia and Luna sat down with blank expressions, unsure what to do next. They opened their drawers, hoping to find their sanity intact, except it was horribly cracked and bruised by all the madness that spawned. Discord came to mind, and they began to blame him, except he was stoned, in the palace, dozing off from all the blunts.

In all actuality, it was an Invisibility potion that Miraak had drank, but given the context of their knowledge, Miraak had to take advantage with his sick sense of humor.

...And back to Miraak!...

Miraak cackled as he charged through town, stampeding few ponies, knocking others aside like useless sacks of flesh. Which is what he considered them. Useless sacks of flesh that's only use was killing fodder.

"These horses are nothing more than gullible fools! Even the Adoring Fan wasn't this stupid, and he drowned!" Miraak burst into a laughing fit once more, ignorant as to where he was going. Actually, he didn't even know where he was going, just that he was making everyone's day a living cyclone of disaster. His own ignorance would be the death of him, literally. He tripped over a pile of rocks next to a river edge, and fell into the liquid abyss. Normally, this wouldn't be much of an issue, save the for fact that Miraak can't swim. A nord who can't swim isn't exactly smiled upon, which is exactly why he left Skyrim for Solsteim. Their relationship was an unhealthy one. Miraak thrashed his arms and head about, trying to stay afloat but it was no use.

Ben Drowned-I mean, Miraak drowned. And he was dead. Fortunately, Miraak was in the good graces of Talos, no one knows how or why, but it just is. And Talos lent down his mighty hand and wrenched the dead man from his watery tomb, and sent him back to his last save point. Unfortunately, Miraak forgot to save his game, and was placed at his last autosave point-The Everfree forest, where he first awoke.

"Huh, what? Son of the Milkdrinker...wait, this is a good thing! I'm away from those ponies! Now to get as far away as possible-just until I have an army and burn this place to the ground, and rename that backwater village, Miraakville!" Miraak turned around smiling under his mask, and faced a new enemy. A terrible beast of terrible terror. A duck. A duck armed with a massive dual sided battle axe who obviously has beef with Miraak.

"Seriously? I've taken a lot of crap, but a bird threatening me is not something I shall stand for," said Miraak who pulled from his belt, his long, grimy staff. Lord knows what's on that staff. And he directed it toward the hostile bird, and commanded, "Back, I've got tentacles!" Of course, to the bird this was a nightmare, as he's seen enough suggestive anime to know where this is going. And the duck flew away, but not before giving him the old bird.

"Yeah, well fuck you too bird. You're lucky I don't turn you into duck roast." said Miraak, as he resumed his previous plan. He firmly grasped his long staff, arching his back forward and raised his legs high between each step against the dirt floor. Twisted twigs and rotted leaves crushed beneath his careless boots, along with the additional sound of a second pair of legs.

"Interesting, didn't know my extra feet sounded liked clopping." Just as he finished that very sentence, Miraak's feet drove from third gear to stationary, and his inner engine that could stopped. So did the clopping sound. He turned around shaking, if only slightly, and what he saw could only be described in one word.

Madness, which isn't true given Sheogorath or Discord weren't here. Yet.

He didn't know how, he didn't know why but his inner frat boy told him to scream. Loudly.

"Ahghh!" Miraak gazed into the vast sea of his stalker's blue eyes, his mouth very shrill like the day before. Pinkie pie had came suddenly right from the blue and walked deathly close behind him, and now she was smiling, unmarred by his bleating cry.

"Back vile demon! Back to the planes of Oblivion where you belong!"

"Oh come on silly, you're no fun. Haven't you heard of follow the leader?"

In Pinkie's hooves was his staff, and he looked down, his hands were empty.

"What the hell?! How did you do that?"

"Don't you know?" Pinkie pie watched Miraak's unmoving face(Because physics can suck it), and her mouth carved into a large ring shape. "You really don't know? Silly, I'm Pinkie pie."

Miraak wasn't having any of that.

"No, I asked how you did that. I was just holding that damned staff." If patience was a domestic abuse victim, he'd probably be some prison mate's bed buddy. Still she repeated the same answer.

"I'm Pinkie pie, I just told you."

"Are you that dense?!" Miraak's throat rising close to a shout. "I asked you how you got my staff, dammit!"

"I'm Pinkie pie. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere. I know next to almost everything, especially the fact that you were touched when you were but a boy, you have a phobia of tentacles and a horse banged your mother in front of you."

Miraak tried to form words, but words decided to leave town. His arms fell below his knees, and his left eye began to twitch. Finally, words came back since they forgot they don't have a car.

"I'm mortified that you know that, and I really want to lop off your head right now. Also, gimme that!" he swiped his staff back quickly, whilst she still smiled, and Miraak backed away a few paces. "Do you mind telling me why you're following me? Answer before I send you to the Soul cairn!"

"Tell me, Mr. Miraak, what is doing something over and over, expecting something to change?"

"Um, the Star Wars sequels?"

"No! Insanity."

Though powerful as he was, Miraak was still human and even he had limits. Limits that have clearly been tested too many times already.

"Alright, you can come, but the moment you run back to them, I'm skinning you alive, and then wearing your skin while I butcher your friends."

And Pinkie pie remained smiling.

"I just talked about mutilating you and wearing your skin, while killing your friends. And your...smiling?"

"Yep." Was all the reply that came from Pinkie's shrill voice.

"Okay, I'm gonna turn around, start walking and pretend I'm not around a complete nutcase." said Miraak quietly, turning slowly back around.

As soon as he did, his brass plated boot met something hard and very thorny, which was not pleasant. His armor rating wasn't high enough obviously. His eyes lowered to the object, and he reached down, picking up the assaulter of his foot, and examined it. It was a large turtle shell, sharpened spikes dotting the back, adorned with two feathery wings.

"What?" Miraak's confusion kicked in. And something landed behind him. It was a wooden sign. He leaned down, and read the message carved into it.

Keep it. You'll thank me later.

"I'm dead, and this is my eternal punishment, surely this is it," muttered Miraak as he stuffed the shell in his satchel.

This was gonna be an interesting week indeed.

...A few hills away...

Balder, otherwise known as the Dovakiin that fucked Miraak up, had awoken in the hills, south of Ponyville. Booze mixed with a Daedric prince of Debauchery, a goat, an old hagraven, and a temple statue tend to lead you into these circumstances. Balder, struggled to his feet, only to stumble back and tumble backwards down the hillside. These were not the brightest of days for the Slayer of Alduin, and obviously, partying with Sanguine was not a healthy matter. And so, he climbed back up the hill, managed his strength and stood atop the tallest hill, resting his eyes on the tiny village below.

He couldn't quite make it out, but he was certain there were tiny, colorful ponies scuttling about in a panic. What happened here, he could not say, but whatever it was, it was surely one hell of a mess. Thus, being the heroic yet meddlesome dragonborn he was, Balder made his way down. But his mind chose another path, for his ears picked up a familiar voice coming from the Everfree forest.

"Wait," said Balder, "that voice, it cannot be-he's supposed to be dead!" Balder's memory kicked in, and remembered the one who mocked him, the one who stole his dragonsouls. The dirty rotten, dragonsoul stealing thief, Miraak. Balder trod down toward the forest, seeking to investigate this. He didn't know if his old adversary had cheated death, honestly, he wasn't even sure it was Miraak he heard. But it never hurt to check.

Actually, it did.

Author's Note

._. I think my mind's broken, that or this is what insanity is. Anyway, sorry for the long wait, but here it is. This...disaster I have written.
(Why am writing this nonsense.)

It's all ogre...for now.

"...I still think you shouldn't have set that bookshelf on fire," Pinkie piped up after hours and hours of boring, dull, walking. So much walking.

"What the devil are you on about? Oh...right, that," Miraak began, his brain running the memory over like a VCR tape trapped on repeat for eternity. "That may have been a premature choice on my part," He winced as he realized the ramifications of his actions-and then it subsided.

"Bah, so I burned some of her books, what is she going to do? Carve a spear from wood and stone, and hunt me down through the forest crying bloody murder?"

In fact, that was exactly what was happening. For on the other side of the forest, Twilight and her band of friends hunted Miraak were great fervor. Or at least Twilight.

"Bloody murder!" Twilight screamed, pumping a spear into the air like a bloodthirsty shaman.

The rest of the gang had followed Miraak's tracks, striding justly through the dank, dark forest. Celestia and Luna had returned to Canterlot castle, ordering a large company of guards to search for the fiendish Miraak, above the skies and within the forest. Except, the guards were neither brave or foolish enough to go into the accursed place. It also didn't help that they weren't very well paid. Possibly due to the fact that Celestia was a greedy old alicorn, or at least that's what the peasants thought.
And that is why there are no more peasants. An opinions are illegal. Them's the rules when you live under the reign of a technicolor horse tyrant.

Twilight in the meantime was busy sharpening a rather primitive, yet very effective spear, and was in the middle of a mental breakdown. She stomped ahead of the group, muttering some rather revolting things that would better remain unmentioned. Her friends hung back behind, following her slowly, all of them hesitant to even say anything. Rainbow should have known better, but as we all know...

...Rainbow is the sole embodiment of bad ideas.

"You know, if you had just let me roast him over a open fire, we wouldn't be in this mess, but noo-" Rainbow was promptly interrupted as Twilight teleported right in her face, her eyes literally on fire.

"Uh...never mind." Rainbow squeaked.

"Twi, don't you think you're taking this all a bit too personal?" Applejack said, eyeing a large branch above her for in the case Twilight irrevocably snaps.

"Of course I'm taking this personally, because it is! He burned my books! And I'm gonna turn him into my doormat!" Twilight screeched, continuing to sharpen her spear obsessively.

Rarity, realizing she may be the only other hope to bringing Twilight back to reality, since Fluttershy was, at the moment, having a near panic attack, spoke.

"Dear, I know this might sound obtuse," Rarity hesitated. "but, they are just books." The moment these words left her lips, everyone froze right there, and even the forest itself became silent. Time itself stopped for a brief moment. Applejack and Rainbow dash exchanged glances, and Fluttershy had stuck her head in the dirt. Twilight twisted around instantly, her eyes bulging uncomfortably wide, her pupils dilating so small they could no longer be seen. She stared at her uneasily like she just committed extreme heresy.

"He frightens the neighbors, whips us with chains-Fluttershy included, sprays us with pepper spray, trashes my house and assaults the Princess and that's what you say? Just books!?"

Twilight in her lucid rage moved toward Rarity, until something heavy, wooden and thick burst across the back of her head in splinters.

Thud! She fell face-first into a puddle of something particularly foul. Rarity's face was aghast, and glanced up at Applejack, who was holding a splintered piece of a branch in her hooves.

"What? Someone had to knock some sense into her skull!" Applejack replied.

There was a long moment of silence, and Rainbow dash trotted over to Twilight's unconscious body. She turned Twilight's head over, and proceeded to prod her with a long, pointy stick.

"Yep. She's out of it," Rainbow said. A thought whizzed through her teeny, tiny brain and her smile stretched wide. "Bueno."

"...And that is why I hate salesmen. They're always trying to cheat me, and bargain for my soul. The cheap bastards." And thus ended Miraak's ambiguous tale concerning salesmen, souls and for some unknown reason: A bucket of rabbit ears.

"But wouldn't that be demons?" Pinkie asked.

"They're both the same, which is why I burned those cretins alive and ate their burned carcasses," Miraak looked down into Pinkie pie's eyes, hoping to instill fear into the innocent creature. He would have better luck turning a Shayamalan movie into a masterpiece. Which says a lot.

"Really?"

"What?" said Pinkie pie with an innocent smile.

"I burn some dudes in this creepy, dark forest, and here you are, skipping along with this stupid grin plastered all over your face without a care in the world. Are you not frightened by anything?"

Pinkie pointed toward the eastern side of the forest, where Miraak could see just beyond the spooky trees and vines was a swamp.

"Well, there is Froggybottom Swamp, my auntie once told me this story about a mean, old ogre that would chase ponies who entered his swamp." And with a gnarled voice, she said, "But if they were caught, he would turn them...into onions!" She whipped out a flashlight from the nearest dimensional rift, and flicked it upon her pink face dramatically.

Crickets chirped in the background as Miraak stood silently, unamused by this tom-foolery.

"Was that meant to be scary? An ogre, seriously? That ogre can kiss a mudcrab's crack and call it bill, I've faced worse things in my toilet. The worst being...my wife," said Miraak.

Pinkie looked up at Miraak, raising her brow quizzically.

"Wait, why was your wife in a toilet? Was your wife poo?"

"What? No, why she was-Oh! For the love of Azura, if you're going to continue your ceaseless banter, do me a favor and throw yourself over a cliff!"

"Ooh, I like jumping cliffs, my sister Maud and I-"

"I don't care! Nobody cares! Silence yourself before-oh sweet Oblivion, now I have an aneurysm. I hope you're proud of yourself," said Miraak.

"I have the perfect solution for your problemo!" Pinkie outstretched her hoof, and upon it were three, strange looking capsules numbers and letters imprinted on it. Miraak, without question, swiped the pills, downing them quickly, and slipped his mask back on.

He regretted this instantly. Actually, he would come to regret a lot of things.

His bowels roared violently and his hands clutched his stomach painfully.

"Dagon's balls! What was in those damn things? What did you do to me?"

Pinkie glanced at the bottle of pills that she had acquired mysteriously, and started laughing hysterically.

"I gave you laxatives instead of migraine medicine. Ooopsies!"

Miraak's eyes gleamed bright as he glared at the pink cretin. He was considering butchering her on the spot, and making her into his personal robe. But his bowels had other ideas, like dropping a dozen in someplace dark, and moist.

He leapt to his feet, and darted through the forest like lightning, in search of a shitter.

Pinkie's tail wiggled, hooves shook and her head rolled in ways I won't even begin to describe how absolutely terrifying it was.

"Wait, Miraak! Not that way, that's where the old Ogre's swamp is!" She yelled after him, but given his current mental state, which was already broken to begin with, it was useless.

"Plough the ogre!" he yelled back, fading into the distance beyond the thin shadows of the trees.

"Oh boy, I better go after him before he gets himself shrekked."

..After some hours, Twilight had come back to consciousness except for reality.

Rainbow's right eye was blackened, and a silly grin glued to her face, while Twilight picked up speed ahead of them. Twilight's face burned bright, and refused to look at Rainbow dash. What ever happened in those few hours remain a mystery, but it was certainly not PG-rated, that's for sure. Apple jack turned to look at Rainbow, who turned to face her.

Applejack wasn't anywhere close to amusement.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Oh, maybe because of that little stunt you pulled back there with Twilight," said Applejack.

"It wasn't that bad."

"It was most horrifying thing ah've ever seen. It made my eyes feel like they were violated, and you made me question my sexuality," said Applejack.

"Don't blame me, besides, you're the one gay for Rainbow dash." Rainbow posed rather obscenely.

"Stupid, sexy rainbow dash." Applejack spat, as she twisted back around.

The swamp was absolutely wretched; mosquitoes and flies buzzed around noisily, strange noises came from the deep murky waters, filled with only Celestia knows what. The trees were hellishly crooked, gray and rather thin. Dark moss hung from their skeletal limbs, riddled with thorns and poisonous ivy, and the reeds swung to and fro as the wind danced through the swamp. Great, big piles of dark, moist material were planted the spongy ground. And smashmouth was blaring in the distance.

Miraak stormed across the swamp, smacking into branches various times. Good thing he always wore a mask to hide his repulsive shame. Why did Miraak run into the swamp looking for a toilet? Why am I writing this nonsense would be a better question.

As the music fluctuated louder, Miraak identified a spot in the swamp, where a totally non-ogre occupied hut was seated, with a rank bathhouse that oozed with mud and other filth. He went behind a tree, squatted down and did the business, whilst also reading a newspaper. Why? Where did he get the newspaper? Do I look like I have the answers?

"Hmm, looks like Sheogorath is running for President of Oblivion." Miraak muttered to himself. Then there a loud thumping noise, echoing as the ground shook, and a hulking shadow was cast over Miraak's body.

There he stood, the majestic green beast, his breath as dank as rotten onions, his eyes full of fury as smashmouth blasted at full volume.

The great ogre had cometh.

"Oi! What are ya doing in mah swamp!"

Miraak's laxative filled bowels emptied themselves immediately.

From within the midst of the waters, a champion appeared, swinging the sacred trout of +8Noscoping, and knocked the mighty ogre crashing into a massive boulder. It was the Pink terror of Ponyville. Or simply just Pinkie pie who had turned a living creature into a weapon.

"Quick, come with me, Miraak if you want to live!" she screamed.

Miraak put on his trousers, and looked up at the sky, as if wondering, why he was tormented by all this.

"I hate all of you." Miraak's voice droned on nonchalantly.

While Pinkie and Miraak fled the onion-y ogre, Twilight and her friends galloped across the forest floor, following the voice of Miraak's girlish screams. Twilight blast apart whole boulders, shattered trees and even crushed a lone timber wolf that crossed her path. Her body was now painted with ancient, tribal pony paint and kept uttering guttural sounding words that nobody knew the translation for.

To her surprise, as well as her friends', Miraak and Pinkie emerged from a pair of thorny bushes, covered in scrapes and scratches, and Miraak's coat was torn terribly.

"Shit."

"You!" yelled Twilight, ready to pounce on Miraak but stopped as she noticed Pinkie pie, thus coming to her senses miraculously. "Wait, Pinkie? What are doing with him?"

"Helping a fugitive of the law escape, what else would I be doing? Also-why do you look a pygmy?" Pinkie pointed at Twilight's ridiculous war paint.

"Oh, that. I kinda got lost in reality-hold on! You're helping the bad guy?! You traitor." Twilight and her friends gasped in horror.

Before any of them could proceed with the gratuitous butt-kicking, the raging green ogre tore apart a giant oak tree, nostrils flaring with anger.

Miraak puffed up his chest, and magic fire encircled his arms.

"Prepare to meet your maker you fat ball of lard!" His hands shot forward, launching a contained burst of volatile fire toward the Ogre.

It wasn't very effective.

"Well, I'm out of ideas." Miraak hoisted up Pinkie pie, and shouted, becoming ethereal as before. "Your problem now." And with that, Miraak bound away effortlessly from danger and through the forest, leaving Twilight and the rest of them to deal with angry ogre.

"And this is why we don't tolerate humans in Equestria, considering this happened last time." Twilight remarked, before they were all beaten to a pulp.

And then it was all ogre...

Somewhere, in the next dimension...
Sheogorath and Discord were sitting around a table floating in the void, while chocolate rain and burning hobos fell endlessly around them.

"Got any three's?" Discord said, his face stuck behind a handful of cards.

"Nope, go fish, which reminds me..." Sheogorath pulled out a fishing rod from the next universe over, which unleashed a whole slough of cosmic abominations to pour out along with flying butt-clowns. He tossed the hook into the void, waiting patiently for a bite.

There was a loud, bright flash and there was Princess Celestia, whose mane was disheveled, and steam flowed from her ears.

"Discord!"

"Oh dear," he turned around. "why Celestia, so good of you to visit. You know, you never write back anymore."

She grabbed him by the neck and shook him.

"I know you did it! You brought him here to my kingdom to stir up chaos!"

"I don't believe I know what you're talking about, I have been here playing cards with the Daedric prince of Madness," Discord said.

"Don't you lie to me! I know you like to piss me off!"

Discord looked at her for a while.

"Princess, are you drunk?"

"What? No...well yes, but that's not the point! You brought that lunatic into my kingdom and-" A crazy, interdimensional crack-head came and smacked Celestia with an iron pan, and ran away laughing giggling with her crown.

"I knew he would liven things up," Sheogorath smiled. "Equestria was getting far too boring any how."

Author's Note

...I have no idea what I'm doing. XD