Luna Discovers Doritos

by VashTheStampede

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1610

Princess Luna discovers a favorite snack food of many ponies, and goes crazy for them.

Princess Luna finds an empty bag of Doritos in her room. Hilarity and overreactions ensue.

Please, don't take this seriously at all. Here's to you, And Brother I Hurt People, your three words inspired the most idiotic thing I've ever written. This fic was rushed, not properly thought out, and based on the thinnest of premises. I didn't have my pre-reader go through this one, so it's probably pretty bad.

Published 2013-03-08 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-08 04:00:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Princess Luna strode proudly into her chambers. Night had just fallen, her sister once again making room in the sky for her beautiful moon. Now, unfortunately, it was time to don the regalia and serve her time in Night Court.

“Another pleasant day to have slept through, another perfect night we have brought on,” she mused to herself, stepping around the various stuffed animals she had accrued in the few years since her return. The plush creatures brought her comfort, their soft forms always ready to be tightly snuggled as she went to sleep. Unfortunately, she had obtained quite a few of them, and the strewn-about nature of their positioning provided many pitfalls and dangers should one enter her room in the dark.

As she made her way past Bostov the Lion, her hoof fell upon something… that crinkled. For just a moment she thought nothing of it, but then a realization struck her.

Stuffed animals do not crinkle.

She lifted her hoof, shifting her head slightly to observe what it was she had trodden on. What appeared to be a small, pre-packaged container of snack food lay on her floor, empty, the contents apparently consumed by one of the cleaning staff. Ironic, Luna chuckled to herself, that the cleaning staff would leave behind trash by mistake. Although, I don’t recognize this…

Picking it up with her magic, Luna brought it closer, examining the glossy plastic. A red triangle, pointing to the right, adorned the top of the package, drawn out of a yellowish-white scribble. A most ingenious pony must have designed this emblem, for it is so terribly clever, Luna thought, eyes moving further down the package to read the apparent title of the food.

“Do…ri…tos,” she read aloud, “Nacho Cheese.”

Continuing down the package, the shiny material revealed to the Night Princess the appearance of the food itself. Much like the emblem at the top, the food itself seemed to be a flat, orange, triangular cracker of some sort, coated in an appealing reddish orange dust. The bottom edge of the package revealed another tidbit of information – ‘Tortilla Chips.’ ‘Chips,' eh? A most interesting snack indeed… I wonder…

“Well, if this is the food of the commonfolk now,” Luna’s thoughts became verbal, “I must at least know what my ponies enjoy for a little snack.” She rotated the packaging in her magic, disappointed to find it devoid of any of the so-called ‘chips,’ with nary a crumb remaining in the unsealed bag. However, some of the orange dust was still stuck to the silver insides of the package…

After fighting with herself for a moment, Luna disregarded her normal Princess-like elegance and grace, and allowed curiosity to get the better of her. She reached a hoof inside the bag, and scraped some of the dust out of the bag. Slowly, she brought the hoof to her face, almost embarrassed to be doing something so… uncivilized, and cautiously sniffed at it. A pleasant, slightly spicy cheesy scent reached her nostrils.

At least the packaging appears to be honest. This dust, at least, smells like proper cheese.

Another moment’s hesitation. She lowered her hoof slightly, the orange-dusted appendage only inches from her mouth. Gently, deliberately, she extended her tongue and licked her hoof clean.

An explosion of cheese-flavored delight filled her mouth at first contact. She felt exhilarated, overwhelmed. Her knees felt weak, she trembled – fell to her rear. She rolled her tongue around her mouth, savoring every particle of flavor, saliva beginning to flow as she searched her hoof desperately for more of the dust.

“Oh sweet Faust above these… and this is just a taste… I must… I must have the real thing,” she whispered to herself, breathlessly. Now who would know where I can purchase some of these… my sister!

“Tia! Tia!” Luna cried, as she burst into her sister’s room. Celestia started, rolling over and sitting upright in bed. Not many ponies managed to get such a reaction from the elder Alicorn, yet Luna somehow managed to do it on a regular basis. Quite probably the reason for that was her continual discovery of something else that had been invented or discovered in her absence, and subsequent violent entry to Celestia’s personal chambers, often at unholy hours of the night. Unholy hours in the mind of practically any pony but Luna, at any rate. Thankfully, tonight had seen the spontaneous arrival of the Princess of the Night only a few minutes after Celestia had lain down in bed.

“Luna, what in the wide world of Equestria brings you into here, in such a rush?” The white Princess asked.

“Tia, I have discovered the most wonderful of things! They are called ‘Doritos,’ and even the dust left over from their remains is simply overwhelmingly delicious! I must know where and how I can acquire more!” Luna yelled, pouncing onto her sister’s bed.

Celestia closed her eyes, rubbing them blearily with her hooves. “Luna, you can buy Doritos at any convenience store, but you have Night Court to serve in for tonight. I can get you some more tomorrow, how’s that sound? Luna? Luna?” Celestia opened her eyes again, only to find her sister had vanished.

That mare… oh well, what harm will come of an hour or even a night of her missing her duties… With her sleep now justified, if only to herself, Celestia rolled over again and resumed her attempt to go to sleep.

Luna, for her part, had stopped listening and teleported to the nearest convenience store she was aware of as soon as Celestia had finished saying so. The shop owner was mere moments from closing for the evening, and the sudden arrival of royalty scared him half to death. Before either could say a word, the tan earth pony had bent over on his forelegs, bowing low to the Night Goddess before him.

“Pray tell,” Luna began, “Do you sell ‘Doritos’ in your establishment?”

The shopkeeper looked up, confused, and slowly pointed a hoof at the rack next to the counter. Sure enough, there were several bags of the red snack. Levitating them to herself, she teleported some bits from her own personal treasury to the counter, and departed the store in a blue flash – leaving behind a very confused, but not entirely unhappy earth pony who was now much richer than he should be for selling a few bags of chips.

Reappearing in her bedroom, Luna eagerly picked up the first bag of chips between her hooves. She was shaking with anticipation – so much so she dropped the bag twice before managing to calm herself enough to hold it.

“Steady now, Luna, steady. We wouldn’t want to over-expose ourselves to this… unadulterated deliciousness,” she whispered. Slowly, ever so delicately, she pulled on the packaging. A squeak emanated from the bag as she pulled harder, the quiet sound continuing until she had opened the snack fully. A forceful wave of smell washed over her, the scented contents of the bag weaving in with the air around her. Luna inhaled deeply through her nose, eyes fluttering as her mouth began to water.

Delicately, she lifted up one triangular chip, examining it thoroughly. Small air pockets had formed in the chip at some point in the baking process, giving rise to little bumps and bubbles along the surface of it. She marveled at the intricately placed specks of pepper as she inspected the dusting of cheese flavoring, each red and black point seemingly placed with the utmost care for the ideal spacing for the perfect taste.

Luna brought it closer to her mouth.

She parted her lips, slightly, breathing heavily.

She brought the chip to her tongue, her taste buds just beginning to experience the full beauty of the Dorito.

When she closed her mouth around the chip, her teeth pressing together, the brittle snack found itself in a place it could not withstand, and it broke against the pristine while choppers of the Lunar Princess.

With that crunch, Luna’s world exploded. Arcing lines of electric orange flew in her vision, spiraling around her, her mind overloading with the overwhelming sensory input. Triangles danced about her, bathed in an ethereal light. Luna felt herself lift off of her bed, floating through space freely as the truth of the universe came to her.

Doritos are, always have been and always will be the meaning of life. This is an undeniable fact. I must… all the Doritos…

Luna found herself left in blackness as consciousness slowly faded from her.

The next morning, Celestia decided to check on Luna after her guards reported that Luna had not, in fact, made it to Night Court. Gently prodding the door open, Celestia found a most amusing sight – her sister, lying on her back, passed out, covered in empty bags of Doritos, a faint layer of orange dust covering her muzzle and forehooves, with crumbs surrounding her form on the bed. The elder mare laughed to herself, and closed the door behind her as she left.

“… and that, my little ponies, is the story of how Princess Luna discovered Doritos,” Celestia finished, the little foals giggling madly at their ruler’s animated retelling of one of her sister’s weaker moments.

“Oh, Celestia, my dearest sister, you really must not color me so insatiable,” Luna said, walking into the small classroom, “and you really must give them the whole story. Now, my lovely little foals, if you want a real story, let me tell you of the time I was introduced to the Cool Ranch variety of Doritos…”