The Lucas Chronicles #2: The Snowball War
Hello. My name is Lucas. First thing I should make note of, I'm a human living in the 'magical' world of Equestria. How I got here, however, is an entirely different story for another day. But since you're here, I'm assuming you've heard of the Television show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yeah, they don't role the cameras when I'm around, and when I am around and they desperately want a certain moment, they tell me to basically sit in a corner and be quiet, just because I'm a human. Bull crap, I know, but what can ya do? I should probably also note that the one known as Twilight Sparkle has allowed me to live in her tree library with her for the time being. Anyway, lots of funny stuff happens between the 'Mane 6', as I remember the Internet used to call them, and myself when the cameras are not rolling. This is one of those times.
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"Hey Lucas," Twilight Sparkle said, "we have to leave like right now in order make the correct preparations for the Hearth Warming's Eve Festival. Are you sure you don't want to tag along?"
I responded, "Yeah, I'm sure. My winter holiday is Christmas. It would just be awkward for me."
She sighed. "Alright then. Are you sure you'll be fine being alone all day?"
I answered, "Yeah, that's the part I'm not too keen on, but I'll figure something out."
"If you say so." With that, Twilight and all her friends walked away. Well, that's not entirely true. Pinkie bounced away. Either way, I was alone. Instantly, I groaned. "ARGH!! I'm so BORED!" I said aloud, then fell backwards in the snow. Wait... This gives me an idea! In my head, I concocted the most brilliant blueprint for the most epic snow fort this world had ever seen! And so I began my construction of the snow...
Now this project took all day to finish, and it was a masterpiece! I mean, I was able to create a working electric power generator, an Xbox 360, with wireless connection mind you, a TV, and the most comfy furniture you ever sat on, all made out of snow! Don't even ask me how my electricity worked, because even to this day, I have NO idea. AND it had a shelter to hide from attacks plus an upper level to fire barrages of snowballs from, if the need arouse.
I knew this project took all day because I was playing Terraria (Yes, they have that on the Xbox 360 now) with my good friend Invisibl3 Panda, when I heard footsteps getting closer, then they suddenly stopped. I ran up to my watchtower to see Twilight and her friends had returned with all their mouths agape at my masterpiece. At this, I lobbed a snowball, and it hit Rainbow Dash square in the face. I laughed hysterically as she flew up to my firing hole. And she was NOT happy.
"You wanna fight?" She fumed. I laughed even harder.
"Yes, I do, actually. But first, we need rules of engagement. Can't have you doing a Nuclear Sonic Rainboom on my masterpiece. That would be unfair and someone could get hurt." Then, I looked out my hole and spoke to everyone. "This is a snow war. I am giving you thirty minutes to prepare. You must use the snow to attack, so you unicorns, absolutely NO MAGIC other than actually 'throwing' the snowballs. If you get hit by snow, you 'die', and you must make your 'death' as dramatic as possible. Now, GO!" They must've understood, because they all scattered immediately. Me, I just went back to playing Terraria with Invisibl3 Panda.
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"AAAHHHH! NONONO! NO!" I yelled at my snow TV as the words, 'EpicNinjaGam3r didn't bounce' flashed on the screen. "Dang it!" I said.
Invisibl3 Panda's voice spoke through my mic. "Really, Lucas? You're so stupid. We won't be able to fight the Wall of Flesh because we will drown by your grave stones you make due to fall damage!"
I replied, "Hey! You know Fall Damage is my mortal enemy in this game!" I looked at my watch. It was time. "Anyways, I gotta go. Hopefully, I'll find a way back to earth soon."
"Alright. See ya later. Jeremy and I are still shocked that that place even exists. Have fun with ponies."
"Right. See ya." With that, I shut off the Xbox and gathered my snow balls. I snuck out of the fort. No sign of any of the ponies. Gotta be sneaky... Then I heard a twig snap. Foolish pony. I followed the sound of the snap. When I reached the point of the sound's origin, I found my first victim. Rarity was contemplating to herself, "...but what would a fabulous pony even wear in a snow war?"
"Pathetic." I said. You see, I never liked Rarity, but for sake of me being a nice guy, I simply tolerated her for the most part. She spun around quickly, startled. I threw my snow ball and it hit her square in the chest.
"Lucas..." She gasped for air. No mercy, I told myself. I stood over her and dropped another ball of snow, ending her 'life'. I reached down and closed her eyes with my hands as I said, "Requiescat in Pace."
One down, five to go. I walked onward.
"Hehehe! Hahahahaha! Let's have a party!" I knew who that was. I turned to see Pinkie Pie and... her party cannon, probably filled with snow. "Crap..." I said under my breath. She fired a humongous pile of snow from the cannon. If I get hit, it's all over! I leaped to side and landed on my stomach to dodge it. Thank the Maker I didn't get hit. I continued this tactic to keep up my advance. Then, just after she fired the next wave, I ran and leaped onto her cannon, jumped and did a front flip over Pinkie's head as I hit her with a snowball. Oh, and I landed on my feet. It was pretty epic.
"He..he...he... Good one..." With that, she 'died'. I reached down and shut her eyes and said, "Requiescat in Pace."
That makes two. Gotta keep moving. Who should I go for next- just then, a rustle in some nearby bushes broke my train of thought. I pushed through the bushes to find Fluttershy cowering. I raised a snowball above my head. She saw me and whimpered as she whispered and closed her eyes, "D-do what you must, Lucas..." She whimpered some more and started quivering. Just do it, I thought to myself. I readied the snowball. No mercy... I sighed as I lowered my arm. I couldn't do it.
You see, when I first arrived here, Fluttershy was the one who really befriended me and helped me out. So I couldn't bring myself to throw the snowball. I lowered my hand as she looked up. "Come on," I said, "you won't last much longer alone. You can join my team for now and hide in my fort." She perked up and we began to walk. "We need to hurry. It looks like the sun is going to set soon." I noticed. "Let's take a shortcut." So we did.
But we seem to have gotten separated... "Well, Well. If it ain't the human. Mighty surprised you ain't been hit yet."
Crap. It was Applejack. Snuck up on me and caught me by surprise. "Well, you've caught me. Now finish me." Where is Fluttershy? I wondered. Then, Applejack retorted, "Nuh-uh. The way we Apples do it, we do it fairly with quick draw. Follow me." She wanted it fair. Good. I'm in no condition to complain. I followed her to town square. Then, we turned with our backs to each other.
"One," I started.
"Two," She added.
"Three," I spoke again.
"DRA-" She was cut short. I spun around to see her collapse on her side with Fluttershy standing over her. I walked over and closed Applejack's eyes as I said, "Requiescat in Pace." Then I spoke to Fluttershy. "Wow, didn't know you had it in you!"
"Umm... I'm sorry..." She whispered.
"No, it's good. I most likely would have lost the quick draw anyway. C'mon. Let's go to my fort now."
So without further intrusion, we made it back to my fort safely. "Alright," I said, "I'll go and finish this fight. You just stay here where it's safe and play Terraria with Invisibl3 Panda.
"Uh, ok..." She squeaked, "but how do I play?"
"Invisibl3 Panda will explain everything. As for the objective, kill ALL the bunnies." With that, I left the fort. Even still, I could here her gasp. I began laughing hysterically and began walking.
"By my calculations, you're not leaving this one alive." It was Twilight... With at least a thousand snowballs floating around her with her horn's magic.
"How in heck did you make that many snowballs?!?" I questioned.
"You said we couldn't use magic. You said nothing about using science."
Crap. She's right, I didn't say she couldn't use science. So I began to run. Her snowballs began to fly at me. And then, she launched them all at once... I could only look on as hundreds, no, thousands of snowballs came my way... AAND, every single one of them missed. Well... that was anti-climactic... We were both dumbfounded at what just happened. But fear overtook Twilight's face and she began running. I lobbed one snowball into the air, and it miraculously hit her in the back of the head. Like don't even ask how because I have NO idea how I did that. I walked over to her and she spoke, "But... My calculatio-" Then, she gasped as the life 'left' her body. "Requiescat in Pace." I said as I did with all the other ponies. Alright, just one more to go-
"AAAAAHHHHH!" That was Fluttershy! I ran back to the fort as fast I could as the sun waved it's last gleams goodbye and the snowflakes began to fall again. As I reached the fort, she was collapsed on the ground with snow on her chest. "L-Lucas..." She whispered.
"No," I spoke, "I'm gonna get you out of this. I'll get help and we'll-"
She interrupted me. "Thank you... For showing me... Kindness..." And she went 'limp'.
"Fluttershy? Fluttershy! Get up! Don't you quit on me! Fluttershy! FLUTTERSHY!!! Requiescat... In Pace..."
"Pathetic. Who knew you would be the last one to face me?" The only pony left standing, Rainbow Dash, taunted me. I picked up my last snowball, ran toward her screaming. I slammed it into her chest, but she also pushed hers into mine. We fell to our knees, and then to our backs, with our heads right beside each other.
"What have we done?" I spoke. "Is it the facet of all creatures to make war? And for what? Money? Fame? Was the cost really worth it all?"
She replied, "Our friends fell one by one... And now," she coughed twiced, "we lay here dying... And for what? War never accomplishes anything... To be dying next to anyone on the battlefield, I'm glad it was you."
I replied, "I agree. Requiescat in Pace, my friend..." With that, we each drew our 'dying' breaths...
Then, all the other ponies came and looked down at us. I sat up and said, "Who wants to come to my fort and drink some hot chocolate?"
Fluttershy spoke up, "I can teach you all how to play Terraria!" Then, we all laughed and went inside my fort.
THE END