Vinnie's Equestrian Adventure

by The Fateweaver

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 4189

'You' are Vinnie, an infamous assassin from the mean streets of Chicago. What happens when you finally accomplish your goal? Get randomly sucked into Equestria, of course!

You are Vinnie, one of the most infamous and efficient bounty hunters on Earth. You're street-smart, slick and untouchable in the relatively 'safe' world you live in. But sometimes, rushing into thing without thinking - which is something you do very often - isn't the smartest thing to do.

(Second person story. Crossover between Sift Heads and MLP:FiM.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-12 10:32:59 UTC

Introduction

You are Vinnie, one of the most badass bounty hunters in Chicago alongside Kiro, the modern samurai whose brother you were accused of killing and Shorty, your smoking hot girlfriend. Together, the three of you had tracked Alonzo, an Italian mafia leader, all across the world and killed him once and for all.

Bastard deserved every bit of it. Even more so for grazing your awesome sunglasses with a bullet; money didn't grow on trees. Truth was, these sunglasses and you had been through everything together. From killing your cat for eviscerating your stuffed bear to crushing your Year 11 teacher to get out of school for half a month. In short, you had never took them off ever. Such is the life of a badass. But today, they weren't in sight anywhere. That was a problem, a really big problem.

"Kiro, have you seen my sunglasses?" You asked as you passed the former Yakuza member in the hallway of your safehouse.

Kiro and you weren't the best of friends when you met for the first time, but chasing an Italian mafia leader across the world solved that problem. He was kind of annoying at times, always poking fun at you for 'living in the past' and asking how old you were. For that remark, you told him to throw himself out the window of your car, along with a smile to tell him you weren't serious. But seriously, your car was not rundown! It was a collection piece, an original Shelby Mustang GT 500. Even if it was original, it could still beat that bike of his in a race any day.

Kiro turned to face you and recoiled slightly, like he had seen a ghost. His tone was curious as he spoke. "Vinnie, is that you?"

You gave him a deadpan stare and replied. "Yes, it's me. Now, where are my sunglasses?"

"You say that like I know where they are."

"Mostly because I suspect you took them."

Kiro took on an innocent look. "Now what would I do with your sunglasses, Vinnie? Riddle me that."

"Steal them to piss me off, for one. Ah, fuck it." You replied, waving a dismissive hand to actually look for your missing possession instead of accusing Kiro of stealing it.

After five minutes of turning the safehouse upside-down to find your awesome sunglasses, you were absentmindedly tugging at the cords of your grey hoodie. Suddenly, you spotted something silvery dangling inside of the hoodie's pouch. You grabbed the silvery object, pulling it out to find ... your sunglasses.

Well, You thought, slipping your sunglasses back on. At least I found them.

Your cellphone started ringing, interrupting the silence that had recently immersed the room. You reached into the pocket of your pants and retrieved it, hitting the green answer button and bringing it up to your ear.

"Hello, who's this?" You asked.

"Vinnie, it's Black Fox." The caller replied in a typical old voice.

Ah, right. Black Fox... he was the guy you hired to find Alonzo for you, after you slaughtered all of his guards in some slums in Chicago. Good times...

"Fox, my man! What's up?" You were in an exceptionally good mood, now that you found your awesome sunglasses.

"Vinnie..." You heard him sigh, announced by the crackling static in the receiver. "You've really stirred up the hornet's nest this time."

"What'd I do?" You asked, undettered by the grim mood he was giving off.

"That Alonzo business you dealt with has really stirred up some trouble. The Yakuza, the other organisations of the Italian mafia, even the Soviets are getting mixed up in this! And guess who their target is?"

"Me," You added solemnly, before snapping back to your usual egotistic self. "Relax, Fox! I've just got to tie up loose ends is all! A few hundred corpses should fix that right up!"

"Vinnie, listen. It's not that simple; you can't just rush headlong into trouble without thinking first."

"That's how I solve most of my problems, actually." You rubbed the back of your head, slightly confused.

You heard him sigh again and mutter. "How you're not dead, I'll never know..."

"Alright, deal with the big bad gangs. See ya later." You concluded, hitting the red button on your phone before returning it to your pocket.

Alright. If you were going to deal with these gangs, you needed to cut the head off the snake first. Probably make an anonymous call and lure them into a trap, yeah, that sounded good.

You had two Beretta 92S handguns on your person, as well as plenty of ammo if the need had arisen. After one anonymous phone call to the current leader of the Italian mafia, you quickly threw up your hood and bolted down to the arranged meeting place, an abandoned diner two streets down from the safehouse. While you waited for the idiots to arrive, you struck up a cigarette to pass the time. You sat on the concrete curb surrounding the diner, lowering your head to hide the fact you still had your sunglasses on. After a few minutes, you heard the sound of a car parking in the immediate area.

"You sure this is the right place?" A gravelly Italian voice asked.

"Of course it is, you incompetent fool! That anonymous tip told me Vinnie was here!" A more refined Italian voice replied angrily.

"But there's no-one here, except this bum." You knew he was referring to you, they were closer than you thought.

"But wh- Wait, a bum?"

You sprung up like a bat out of hell, drawing your dual Berettas as your hood flew back and revealed your smirking face.

"Surprise, motherfuckers!" You yelled, taking shots at the guy in the suit.

The two had barely time to react as you put four bullets in the suited man's head, causing him to stagger and fall down dead. Your remaining opponent reached for his own weapon, just in the nick of time as backup arrived: Yakuza members armed with katanas.

You shot your attacker in the leg while killing a few sword-wielding maniacs with clean headshots, causing the former to grip his leg and drop his handgun. With your main opponent partially dealt with, you turned your attention to the gang of Yakuza soldiers.

"Eat lead, you squinty-eyed fucks!" You shouted whilst gunning down six more of them.

There were still three more, including the gang leader now limping away. You quickly finished off the remaining two, hearing your guns click as they deliver their final shots. Being the professional you were, you quickly loaded two fresh magazines into your handguns and turned to deal with the gang leader. You saw him crawling away, trying to evade his fate.

That wouldn't do.

You holstered one of your handguns and quickly caught up with the fleeing man, turning him over and pressing your gun's barrel to his forehead.

You smiled maliciously as you spoke, a dark sense of humour present in your voice. "Any last words?"

"Go to he-" You cut his sentence off, with a bullet in the head.

The point-blank shot delivered a spurt of blood, staining your otherwise grey hoodie with blotches of red. Not like you cared.

You stood up, giving one final puff of your cigarette before throwing the burnt-out butt onto his corpse. For added insult to injury.

"Looks like you were cut off," You intoned, glancing over your sunglasses as you delivered the punch line. "By a bullet."

You were about to take off and call it a day when a warm aura grasped your body, a sort of warmth only felt on a nice, sunny day. You glanced down at your hand, now noticing it was wreaved in a faint golden aura.

"What. The. Fuck." You voiced your thoughts aloud, watching as the golden aura slowly encased your body.

As if by magic, you were lifted off the ground and suspended a few feet above it. A bright light flashed in your eyes, despite the protection your sunglasses provided, and you felt a slight tingling in your body as the flash subsided. Not so subtlely, you felt the aura release you and fall face-first into a stone floor. As your luck would have it, you heard no indication of your sunglasses breaking into a million pieces.

Good.

Dulled pain lanced through your body as you picked yourself, your Beretta 92S still clutched in your hand. Aside from the obvious, you seemed to have no wounds from your sudden ... whatever the hell that was. You looked up from the floor, panning your head around the place. Judging from all the stained glass windows and Roman-esque columns, you guessed you were in some kind of castle. You casually lit a cigarette while you wander through the large hallway, coming to a gilded door on the other side of the room.

"Nobody should be this rich," You commented, taking a puff of your cigarette as your hand glided over the seemingly counterfeit golden door. "Nobody except me, that is."

You attempted to push open the door, only for it to resist with the force of a tonne. Locked.

Well, time to smash some windows.

You wandered over to a random stained glass window depicting six multi-coloured horses, and shot it with your handgun. The glass shattered into a million tiny pieces, coming to rest on the marble floor as thousands of tiny coloured flecks.

Somebody's gonna be pissed. Oh well, serves them right for making expensive windows. Without stopping to think (which was something you didn't do often, that was more Kiro's forte), you stepped over the shattered glass and leapt down into some sort of fancy garden.

"What ... are you?" A regal voice asked from seemingly everywhere.

Talking Equines and Taverns

You zeroed in on the owner of the voice, your concealed eyes coming to rest on a dark blue horse with wings and a long horn.

You tilted your head in slight bafflement, speaking up to confirm that the voice did indeed belong to the horse. "Did you ... just speak?"

"Why yes. And you can communicate, yet I've never seen your kind before. Might I ask, who are you?"

Holy shit, this fucking horse spoke perfect English.

Giving the pony a charming smile, you spoke. "Name's Vinnie. What about you?"

As you waited for an answer, you gaze lingered in the equine as you took in her features. On her, well, flanks seemed to be two black blotches with white crescent moons on them. And her mane and tail seemed to be made of ethereal stars, and the fact that it moved as if there was wind around made it creepy. Resting on top of her mane was a sparkling black crown, a possible sign of royalty. Hell, the crystal horseshoes she was wearing sparkled as well.

"My name is Princess Luna. A pleasure to meet you, Vinnie." She replied.

"Likewise," You nodded, your mind spacing out on what to do. "So... what now?"

Luna seemed to be stumped too, until a metaphorical lightbulb appeared above her head. "Come, Vinnie. We must introduce you to our sister!"

"Okay..." You replied, following Luna  through this maze of a garden to wherever she was taking you.

Deciding to make conversation to pass the time, you spoke. "Luna, if you're a princess, wouldn't you have guards with you? You know, attempts of assassination and such."

"Nonsense! Equestria has been a peaceful place for a thousand years. Why would anypony want to harm us?"

Wow.

"Tell us, Vinnie, where do you reside in Equestria?"

"I don't. I live on Earth, somewhere populated by humans."

"No wonder we've never seen your species before."

"Sorry if this sounds personal, but what's with the horn and wings?"

"Ah, my sister, niece and I are alicorns. We are practically immortal, and we possess both magic and flight."

"Earlier, when you said Equestria has been peaceful for a thousand years, you mean there's been no wars or anything serious like that?"

"Well, there was one between my sister and I. But that was when my heart was full of malice and hate, gathered from my jealousy of thinking nopony appreciated my nights."

"Yeah, being young and stupid does that. No offence, I did my fair share of stupid stuff in my teen years."

"Like what, might I ask?"

Fuck.

"Um, I'd rather not say..."

Mostly because you'd get impaled as soon as you told her what you did for a living. Don't ask...

"Fair enough. It is not my business to snoop in others' lives."

Good for her.

Your conversation had gone on for so long that you and Luna now stood in a throne room, a snowy-white counterpart to Luna sitting on said throne. Logic would dictate that you shouldn't be smoking in the presence of royalty but...

Screw the rules, you had money ... and guns ... and your badass shades. A lot of things, really.

"Luna, who is this?" The snowy-white alicorn asked, eyeing you suspiciously.

"I'm Vinnie," You answered through your cigarette, flashing your trademark cocky grin. "And your day just got 20% more awesome."

You felt so fucking awesome right now. You looked badass, as well as having the skills to back it up. The bloodstained hoodie, your favourite Beretta 92S, your badass shades, the cigarette in your mouth and your cocky grin just spelled out you were badass for anyone around you.

"Now," You started, flicking the remnants of your cigarette onto the floor. "If somebody can tell me how I can get back to Chicago, I'm all ears."

"Well, Vinnie. I am Princess Celestia..."

***

After the whole meeting the Princesses fiasco, you had decided to roam around Equestria. Luna was obviously oblivious to gang activity, so you decided to seek them out yourself. Maybe you could find some Yakuza ponies or even the pony Italian mafia.

And your search was partly unsuccessful, for you were in some high-class tavern in Manehattan, or whatever they called it. You were sitting at the bar, your head slumped down onto the wooden furniture. Some of the inhabitants of the bar, ponies in general, were weary of your appearance. The bartender didn't seem to care, serving you regardless of your species.

"Whiskey, mate. Make it snappy, I'm starting to regain independant thought." You said, pulling out two golden coins from your pocket and sliding them onto the bartop.

The barpony simply nodded, grabbing a bottle of translucent bronze liquid and pouring it into a tumber on the bar. Simply put, you basically drowned all this craziness with alcohol. Anyone who decided to fuck with you would be fucked up, for Kiro always said that you had better aim when you were drunk. Which was kind of odd.

In your drunken state, your gaze panned about the room as you shakily took in the details. In one corner, as per usual, there were gambling games going on. Blackjack, Liar's Dice and Texas Hold 'Em Poker were among them. After you introduced yourself to Celestia, she had insisted that you needed money to get anywhere. You'd tried to explain to her that money wasn't a problem, until you found out that they used a different kind of currency in Equestria: golden coins called 'bits'.

Being the asshole you were, you sat down in one of the unoccupied seats on the Liar's Dice table along with five other ponies, all of them differing in subspecies and colour.

A dark brown pony wearing an eyepatch and a black woolen cap spoke up in a heavy Scottish accent. "Ante's fifteen bits, lads."

You and the other players individually put fifteen gold bits each on the table, right next to your cups of dice. Wearing sunglasses in a game of deception had its advantages, since the other players couldn't see your eyes. If things went awry, which was not uncommon for you, you had your trusty Beretta 92S handgun cleverly hidden from sight in your hoodie's pouch. But chances were, the gangs in this pastel-coloured land didn't even know you enough to hate you. Yet.

Most of the other players didn't even spare you a second glance, opting to instead participate in the ongoing game.

Fine by you, there was some dosh at stake here.

You absentmindedly lit a cigarette to pass the time as the other ponies got their shit together. You glanced around the table, although nobody noticed your eyes taking in their features because of your shades. One pony that caught your eye was a faded grey pegasus that reminded you of Kiro, the slanting eyes mostly. Everyone started to pick up their cups, so you followed and you all shook the contents of your cups while holding the bottom to prevent the dice from falling out.

About twenty minutes later, with your amazing luck, you managed to knock out three of the five ponies from the game. The remaining two was the Scottish pony and the Kiro-esque pony, all three of you sitting on three dice each. Despite having a serious game, you had started casual conversations with the ponies. Hell, the pegasus even sounded eerily similar to Kiro. The Scottish pony was actually called Tarvish DeGroot, and the pegasus was called Rising Star.

"So, what do you guys do for a living?" You asked.

"Aye, that be a long and complex tale, lad." Tarvish replied.

"Three fours," Rising Star stated, looking up from his cup. "Same here."

You glanced under your cup, seeing two fours and one two. "Five fours. I've got a bit of a long history too."

"It seems we have something in common," Rising Star commented, keeping a straight face.

"Six fours." Tarvish added.

"I'm calling it. You're bluffing." Rising Star interjected, knocking his hoof on the table.

All three of you lifted your cups off your dice, setting them aside. You already had two fours and one two, so what did they have?

Kir- Rising Star had three fours, which left Tarvish to decide who got a penalty. Glancing at Tarvish's dice, you could make out one four and two fives.

"Damn!" Rising Star cursed, throwing in a die for calling a bluff on a valid bid.

"Luck o' the Scottish, I s'pose." You added, shrugging indifferently.

"That's Irish, lad." Tarvish quickly interjected.

You threw him a light-hearted deadpan stare. "I'm paraphrasing."

"So, what's with the sunglasses, Vinnie?" Rising Star inquired.

"Apart from being worth five hundred dollars? They just kinda grew on me on my 'endeavours'." You used air quotes to get your meaning across. "Two threes."

"Why would you spe-" The rest of Rising's sentence is drowned out by the sound of gunfire, automatic gunfire to be specific, blaring down the street.

"Ponies have guns? How the hell do you hold the damn thing without any digits?!" You yelled over the noise, getting up from the table.

"Magic!" Tarvish simply said, as if it waved off any logical question.

"You two stay here, I'm about to do something really stupid!" You called out, wearing that signature grin of yours on your face.

"Are you insane? You run into trouble like that, you'll get yourself killed!" Rising Star raised his voice to match yours, seemingly doubting your sanity.

"I know! It's a hell of a rush!" You replied happily as you ran out of the tavern at breakneck speed toward the disturbance.

A block to the right of the tavern was the disturbance, ponies in silver armour closing in on the entrance. You gripped the handle of your Beretta, pulling it out of the hoodie's pouch as you ran.

Finally, some action.

From your point of view, the ponies with the guns were trying to rob a bank. So all you had to do was incapacitate the armed robbers, make a dashing getaway and look awesome. Simple.

You ignored the rapidly closing police officers, instead jumping through the bank's large glass window like a boss. You rolled as you touched marble flooring, the shattered glass nicking your clothing with small lacerations. Four masked ponies wielding assault rifles turned to sound of shattering glass, expecting the police to be in the bank already. Instead, they got you.

"What the hell are you?" One blurted out, eyeing you warily.

"I'm Vinnie," You replied, raising your Beretta. "Also known as your worst nightmare."

Before they could react, you shot the nearest one in the legs, preferring not to kill them just yet.

"Shoot 'im!" One of them yelled, whirling his weapon on you.

But you couldn't be stopped, as you came prepared. Underneath your ruined clothing was a heavily padded vest, used to stop bullets. By the time the police rolled in, you stood among the subdued robbers. Your whirled around to see six officers with handguns, all of them trained on you.

"Drop your weapon!" The lead officer demanded.

Trains

You glanced over your shades, giving him a 'are you fucking kidding me' look. You'd just single-handedly stopped a bank heist, you should be getting a fucking parade!

"Drop your weapon or we will shoot!" He repeated.

You sighed, looking at your favourite gun for a prolonged amount of time. Just as you were about to drop the gun, a grey mass collided with you. Said grey mass was now atop you in some other building. You recognised him to be Rising Star.

"Whoa. Didn't know you swung that way, Star!" You grinned, despite almost being arrested moments ago.

"Can it, Vinnie. I just saved your flank!" Rising Star replied, somewhat pissed.

"Sure, I'll buy you a drink sometime."

You pushed him off you and stood up, not caring about the look he was giving you.

"Do you know who those robbers were?"

"Nope."

"The Stalliongrad mafia! You just managed to piss off the baddest criminal organisation in history!"

Eh, you've done worse.

"Star, you have to realise that I'm a professional when it comes to this stuff. Dodging bullets, awesome car chases, looking like a badass. Ya know, the works."

"You do realise that the police are going to arrest you on sight if they see you again?"

"Puh-lease, I am the master of disguise. Wait here." You concluded, stepping out of the room and taking off your ruined hoodie and pants. In its place, you throw on a snazzy grey and striped black suit with a red tie, completed with a matching trilby.

You re-entered the room, walking back up to Star, who had an unamused look on his muzzle.

"What'd I tell you? Nobody will recognise me." You smiled.

"Okay, you're not a sociopath. You're just very, very stupid." Star slammed his head into a wall. "It's contagious. I'm getting dumber just by being near you."

"Thinking is Kiro's forte, and he's the ex-Yakuza."

Or rather, that's what you wanted to happen. So instead of being chased by the police, you were merely zoning out from the Liar's Dice game you were playing. Realising this, you snapped back to reality and casually glanced under your cup. Three fives.

Glancing at your watch, you discovered it was now almost midnight. "Three fives."

After you finished the game, you got both Star's and Tarvish's phone numbers. Which was kind of odd, since they both owned those fancy new iPhones. Why do they even have those? With their hooves, they'd end up mashing all the buttons at once.

After that, you wandered out of the bar to the nearest hotel, which was two blocks from the tavern. Wearing sunglasses at night was not smart, but you'll be damned if they don't make you look more badass as usual. You were so pissed that you didn't know left from right, stumbling down the street and almost tripping over for two whole blocks in the dark. Right now you were barely hanging onto your consciousness, your head slumped onto the administration table.

"C-can I help you, sir?" The obviously nervous mare asked.

"Yeah, you can. I need a ... what's one of those things you sleep in at these joints?" You slurred, your thinking process broken from the excessive amount of whiskey you consumed earlier.

"Uh, a room, sir."

"Y-yeah, I need a room. How much?"

"Five bits for two days."

You reached into your hoodie's pouch, withdrawing five bits from the leather pouch containing your Equestrian currency. Pouchception, as the kids would say. Dropping them on the counter, you received a silver key with a tag with the numbers '56' on it. You guessed it to be your room's number, giving a drunken nod to the mare as you departed to find your room.

The Following Day...

You had gotten up at about 7am, changed your ruined clothes and strolled through the city until you found a train station. You'd waited about twenty minutes for the train to Las Pegasus to arrive, which was coincidentally the pony version of Las Vegas. Right now, you were sitting on the strangely colourful train, gazing out the window to the rapidly changing countryside. A cigarette was currently in your mouth, partially obscuring your vision with the chemical smoke.