That’s How We Roll in Appleloosa – by VeganCheesecake
The Actual Version
Please note: The events described in this fanfiction are words of true wisdom, derived directly from the brain of a certain purple-coated pony (and a few bunch of people talking a lot). They do not intend to rewrite an entire episode, nor do they actually make sense. They are words of truth nevertheless – a dream never tells lies!
Twilight Sparkle woke up with a splitting headache. Outside, mesquite trees formed the landmark: They were big trees, small trees, thick trees, thin trees, trees with leaves, trees without leaves, trees with holes, trees floating a few feet…above the ground?! She rubbed her eyes. The trees were gone, but probably because she was still moving at a very fast rate towards Appleloosa.
“Good morning Twilight! You’re the last one to wake up!” spoke a familiar voice below her bed. She stretched her neck a bit and found out it was Spike.
“Spike? Why do I have a headache?” murmured the mare that was still drowsy.
“I dunno Twilight. Because you didn’t sleep well?”
He had a point, so she decided to blame it on the lack of sleep and got up from the bed when another thing caught her attention: The carpet felt strangely wet – like someone had soaked it in something not so long ago. With a frown on her face, Twilight turned her eyes back from the carpet towards her number one assistant.
“Okay Spike…there’s no easy way to ask this…did you pee yourself last night? I thought you were over this!”
Heads from every corner of the cabin perked up. Spike’s cheeks turned flashing red when he noticed he became the center of attention.
“I…uh…n-no! Why would you think that? I’m already grown-up enough!”
Five ponies in the cabin met him with disbelief, accompanied by awkward silence. Only the usual noises from the train could be heard.
“You know, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you do! I know that many ponies, dragons and critters have problems with that! You don’t have to hide it in front of us”, remarked a Pegasus pony with a pink mane from across the room.
“Are you trying to turn Spike into a bed-wetter? Or all of us? I was waaaay to cool to pee myself when I was young!” pleaded the other Pegasus pony inside the cabin. The answer had an intimidating effect on her conversation partner.
“Oh…I didn’t want to argue…I’m sorry…”
“We’re not arguing! I’m just saying that I never peed myself when I was young! But when it’s so common, I’m pretty sure someone in this room did indeed do that…”
The blue mare ignored her counterpart who turned away from her in embarrassment and riveted on someone else.
“Someone that would be way too embarrassed to admit it right now. Someone that cares about his or her manners, actions and look all the time…is someone like that present?”
“I knew you were ruthless, Rainbow Dash, but I never heard something this degrading from your mouth! Shame on you!” said the beautiful mare that still wore her curlers. “I cannot recall any case where something like this happened to me!” She mumbled something incomprehensible after this.
“What was that?” taunted Rainbow Dash.
“Nothing.” Again, Rarity mumbled something.
Twilight opened her mouth, but wasn’t able to get beyond a “If I may just-”
“Good news everyone! We’re arriving in Appleloosa in 5 minutes! Hope you’re ready, because this ride is ending soon!”
The Apple pony stood in the doorframe. She seemed very cheerful, considering the time of day and that she was already groomed, dressed and ready for some work.
“Oh great, talk about getting dressed up in time! This is all Rainbow Dash’s fault. Now if you excuse me…” Grabbing two bags, the fashionista jumped up from her bed and pushed herself past Applejack.
“Applejack? Is there any way I could give a baby dragon a bath before we arrive? I think Spike-”
“I’m fine, thanks!”
Grumpily, Spike left the cabin to see Bloomberg. With a sigh, Twilight focused on herself – not much time left to get ready for a visit.
~
The train entered Appleloosa’s station. Through the door window, you could already see a curious face with a huge grin peeking into the train. The Mane Six gathered right at the end of the train, still a few yards away from the station. Thankfully, the train was too long for such a small station. In the honeymoon suite our heroes gathered right now, the light was very dim. The cabin had no windows either – nobody could peek in. Rainbow Dash was the first one to rise to speak.
“What the hell are we doing here? I thought we arrived! I can’t wait to fly over Appleloosa.”
“Well, I don’t mind this place. Great for taking a nap!”
Spike threw himself onto the freshly made bed. It was said that the train was to pick up a freshly married couple later.
“Spike! Get off of that! I don’t need you to wet another bed in your sleep!”
A reproachful look hit Spike. The baby dragon didn’t care much for Twilight right now, so he simply ignored her.
“If you could all listen…” The Apple mare competed for the attention of her friends. “I wanted to talk about what we are doing here.”
“Uhm…I’m sorry…but…I have to go water the flowers…”
“Not now, Fluttershy. Now if you please pay attention…”
A mare wearing a pudding hat raised her hoof.
“I said pay attention! No questions! Just. Listen.”
Rarity was about to open her mouth, but suddenly an apple appeared out of nowhere and gagged her before she was able to speak. Applejack continued with her speech as if nothing had happened.
“You pretty sure know we’re going to replant Bloomberg today. Out there, my cousin Braeburn is waiting for us. He wants to help us, but I’m pretty sure he wants to show you around. I just gotta inform you a bit about this place, that’s why we’re here. See…my cousin’s a bit…”
“Loco in the coco?”
“Thanks, chancellor. That’s kinda what I wanted to say. To put it short: My cousin suffers from ADHS. I think he got pony herpes right now. Also he has OCD, an allergy to pears, a fetish for educated and civilized mares…” This worried glare was for Twilight. “To make it worse: Appleloosa is a weird place and I don’t like visiting it. Just try to make the best out of this, y’all.”
The pony wearing the pudding hat still had her hoof raised. Applejack sighed.
“Any questions may be asked now. Shoot, Chancellor Pudding Hat.”
“Does your cousin like musicals? Because I prepared a little something along with a cake and the traditional bowl of pudding and then there’s…”
“Any other questions? No? Then let’s go!” One after the other, the ponies sallied out. The chancellor was last, along with Spike.
“…and oatmeal, but I think that’s crazy. Am I right?”
“Ugh, get a life!” grumbled Spike and passed the pink pony known for her weird moments and left her behind, all alone. She followed shortly after.
~
Braeburn really seemed to nail it. There were two things Rainbow Dash couldn’t stand. The first one was being woken up – fair enough. The second one though was a bit odd, which didn’t stop it from being a problem. Rainbow Dash hated jug bands. She hated them with a passion. Too bad Braeburn had organized one to welcome the Mane Six in the best town all over Equestria.
The band played “Huffy the Magic Dragon (living by the tree)”. Braeburn, being his crazy self, danced wildly to the song with spastically moves. When he saw someone exit the train, his mouth formed a big grin, up to his ears.
“Hey there! Welcome to Appleloooooooosa!”
The hyperactive pony jumped on his hind legs when he overstressed his town name. Mixed reactions could be seen from the town guests: Able to keep a straight face were Applejack and Rarity along with Spike. Fluttershy hid behind Rarity because she was scared of Braeburn’s loud voice. Twilight had raised an eyebrow after she had realized what was going on. Spike finally had only eyes for Rainbow Dash who stuck her hooves into her ears and hovered a few inches above the ground. For some reason, Braeburn already annoyed her – more than the jug band, which meant something. Her flared nostrils avidly sucked in air, keeping her from exploding with anger. It seemed like Appleloosa already woke strong feelings in her after a few seconds.
“Cousin, nice to see you! How impolite of you not introducing your friends yet! I’m Braeburn, as you all might know and this is a taste of our traditional music! There’s more, if you want. Maybe wanna shout a request? Don’t worry, we can play it. We know all the tunes like “Cattle loves Reddle”, “The Brothel Blues” and “Apples are my favorite vegetable”. So, any requests?”
The Apple mare stepped forward to say something.
“Braeburn, we-”
“No requests, I see. That’s ok, we play our songs anyway. Cuz’ that’s how we roll in Aaaaaaappleloosa!”
Again, he jumped on his hind legs while saying this.
Dashie’s usually blue face resembled Big Macintosh’s right now. Still, he didn’t do anything except taking deep breaths. Probably she was counting to 10 or something. Or from 10. Twilight wanted to say something, but left it. This was kinda funny.
“Come on, I’ll show you around! There’s a lot to see in-”
A strange creature (strange for this situation) appeared next to Braeburn.
“Master?”
“EEEEEEH! Is that a Gryphon?”
In disgust, Rarity turned her face away.
“Well yes! These are faithful creatures! We hold them as slaves in Aaaaaaaaappleloosa!”
(No need to describe Braeburn’s actions right now.)
As unsure as Twilight was about how long Rainbow Dash could still hold her anger, so seemed Rainbow Dash herself.
“Oh wow! These creatures are adorable! I always wanted to keep a gryphon! What’s his name?”
With sparkles in her eyes, Fluttershy looked over Rarity's shoulder at the magnificent creature wearing a collar. It kneeled in front of Braeburn and lowered his head.
“I think this is revolting. An ugly…thing serving for a pony? Gross gross gross…” commented Rarity, still having her head turned into the other direction.
“What is on your mind, my pet? Did the librarian here turn your head? I can understand, I like her too. I think we all gonna love her here in…”
“No, it’s not that”, cawed the apparently nameless gryphon. “I came to write your report on the magic of Slavery! So I brought the quill and the paper.”
“You write reports?” Twilight squeed and explained her matters while pushing Spike in front of her. “I write reports on the magic of Friendship! This is Spike, my assistant. He writes for me! Say hello, Spike!”
The baby dragon rolled his eyes before muttering a “Hi” into the gryphon’s direction.
“I cannot believe it! You two are gonna be the bestest friends!”
“Sure…” Exasperated, Spike turned around and decided to hide behind Fluttershy who was still hiding behind Rarity.
“Ok, enough of this. If we could now-” is all Applejack could say before Braeburn did his old thing.
“No, Appleloooooooooooosa!”
He grabbed his gryphon slave and started to trot away.
“Let’s go! There’s a lot to see and a lot to show. Because that’s how we roll here, we show everyone around town!”
~
Since they arrived, Braeburn had been talking for 59 of 60 minutes. He explained the soils of Appleloosa, the climate; the infrastructure; what he had for breakfast, what he has for dinner …but then, something caught her attention.
“…that’s when we decided to make dances one of our things here! They’re pretty big now! And here we are already, at the dancing place. That’s how we keep us entertained. Everybody must dance, no matter if visitor or not. So come on, we’re gonna have an Easy West Dance. Music, please!”
Cotton Eyed Joe blasted out of invisible speakers.
“Follow my lead!”
Suddenly, everybody started dancing just like Braeburn. Twilight had no control over her body – she asked herself what type of magic this was: Music out of nowhere and being forced to dance? That was beyond her understandings of magic, especially since there were no unicorns in Appleloosa. She sighed. Probably this was how they rolled here.
After the music finally stopped, Braeburn started to blubber again.
“Did you know we have three types of dances? Not only the “easy dance” because it didn’t exist for so long actually. No, back then we only had the wild and the mild dance. Wild West Dances were popular around younger ones and Mild West Dances among older citizens. By the way, dance…”
“Shhh! Twilight!”
Standing next to her, Twilight spotted Chancellor Pudding Hat. She hardly noticed her presence since their arrival. How come she was approaching her right now?
“Yes, Chancellor? What is on your mind? I know this is kind of boring. If he’d only stop talking for once!”
“My words! I was opening my mouth earlier but nothing came out! This guy is using really strong dream magic, that’s for sure.”
“Dream Magic? What are you talking about? This earth pony can’t do magic. And I never heard of that type of magic!”
“Oh Twilight Sparkle, you’re so silly. You’ll learn eventually.”
With these words, she vanished as if Twilight hadn’t seen here, like she did before. Rubbing her eyes had no effect on this: The chancellor was gone. Instead, Rainbow Dash had appeared.
“How long are we supposed to take this? If this guy says Appleloosa one more time, I’m gonna punch him in the face! This guy just doesn’t stop talking. Didn’t AJ wanna say something? Nobody can even say more than two words!”
A bit worried, the purple book-loving mare looked at the still red-faced rainbow-haired one.
“I appreciate your idea, Rainbow Dash, but that’s a bit harsh. Let’s show some respect, shall we?”
Rainbow Dash folded her arms.
“Oooookay…I’ll give him two more times.”
Now she had vanished too. The next time Twilight blinked, she found herself at an apple orchard.
“Let us now come to the best part: The apple orchard! It’s our town pride! Only here grow the juicy apples of Appleloooooooooooosa!”
That Braeburn stroke his usual pose after his usual catchphrase reminded Twilight of what had happened a minute before. Rainbow started warming herself up a bit, which proved her right: Her friend meant it.
“I know I’m talking a lot”, remarked Braeburn, “but this is all so interesting and exciting. I bet you, you’re gonna love the part of this tour. This is what you came for after all, right? Our delicious apples! I know what you’re thinking: You wanna bite straight into one of these babies. Sorry to let you down, these apples aren’t for eating –that’s how we roll here! The tree you brought will be used to cross-breed our trees some more to achieve something more explosive – that’s right, we’re not importing apple trees to feed ourselves in the desert, haha…”
He waited for laughter. His slave's snickers eventually broke the awkward silence and he turned to strike at the unruly gryphon before turning back to “business”.
“No, we produce weapons of all kinds. Just follow me!”
They all entered a giant, fenced in factory site. Inside of a large hall at the center of the territory, hundreds of gryphons were baking apple pies. Taking a closer look, Twilight could find a few ponies among them.
“Now that looks tasty!” cheered Chancellor Pudding Hat.
“Mind you, they are not meant for eating. These are lethal weapons! You can easily take an eye out with them. Apple pies go through a tender baking process, making them extra hard and burning hot when they hit the victim! Last week, we tested them along with a pie canon we’ve been working on for quite a while. The results cannot be seen – strictly confidential, this information. I’d have to do what we did to them if you don’t keep silent!”
The following scene seemed like a déjà-vu: It involved snickering and a punch. Applejack was about to comment on something when Braeburn restarted talking.
“I know what you want to ask. How in the hay do all these workers take out the hot, steaming pies? Well, that’s easy to answer: They’re daily showered in fire extinguisher! That way they become fire-proof! The workers that take care of the hottest pies even get to wear one of these Nascar driver suits. Guess that’s how we roll here. Cool, right? Now come along, no time to lose…”
“Twilight? When are you finally going to wake up?” said a soft voice next to our beloved purple mare.
“Eh…Fluttershy? What are you talking about?”
“Waking up! You know, when you lie in bed and you’re not awake yet? But then you are!”
“And what does that have to do with us right now?”
“Oh Twilight…you’ll figure…”
~
Why am I here? What did I want to do again? Who am I? Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure anymore how she’d answer these questions. All this talking had made her dizzy. She was probably even unable to answer where she came from or used to live right now, also she didn’t quite know what was wrong with her situation and why she was craving for some pineapples right now. Either way, the never ending stream of words flowing out of Braeburn’s mouth seemed to find an end…or not?
“Woah, guided tours make me always incredibly thirsty, I think we’ll call it an end here!”
“W-W-What? What did you just say, cousin?”
With wide eyes, AJ stared at her cousin that instantly started talking again.
“Well yes, cuz, tour’s coming to an end here! I hope you all enjoyed this and want to thank you for paying so much attention. Plus, you’re really naturals at Easy West Dances! Thanks!”
A moment of silence followed, one of the rare moments in Appleloosa. Hoping it’d be over and after taking a brief look around, AJ finally found the words she wanted to say.
“So, as you all-”
“What I forgot to show you”, continued Braeburn, as he did before, for something that felt to AJ like one hundred times already, “is something very important! How could I have forgotten about another important trademark of Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaappleloooooooooooooooooooosa!?”
Braeburn struck his usual pose - the next thing he saw was nothing but darkness.
Hooves flew through the air, hitting Braeburn straight into his face; the Apple stallion fell over on his back and passed out from the impact of the face punch and the concussion he just contracted. Blood trickled from his nose down his face. In addition, Rainbow Dash’s horseshoes had left a mark on Braeburn’s face, which slowly turned from flashing red to a disgusting blue.
“Take that! That's what you get for shouting Appleloosa and not listening to your cousin! We’ve been listening to you for three hours straight now and nobody even cared what you were talking about. Maybe the others here tried to be polite, but I can’t take this any longer! Now don’t you dare to start talking again!”
Rainbow Dash hunkered over Braeburn, took a close look, tilted her head and booped his muzzle – the sike of blood now turned into a constant stream shooting from his nostrils.
“Gah! Uhm…”
She turned around and looked at her friends over her shoulder.
“Mission…accomplished? He passed out. No more talking…right?”
Glares from them made Rainbow Dash sweat uncontrollably. Applejack stared at Braeburn with her mouth wide open. Fluttershy started crying at the horrible sight in front of her – the Chancellor instead started giggling. Silent reproaches came from Rarity, less silent ones from Twilight.
“Dashie, are you even aware of the things you just did? Are you aware that this is assault and battery and that you can go to jail because of this?”
“I-I-I…didn’t mean to…I mean…it’s just a little nosebleed! Come on! What do you think, nether being? Uh, I mean gryphon!”
This question applied to the slave next to Braeburn, who had obediently been waiting next to his master.
“Much to my chagrin, I must inform you that neither term is correct. I am a slyphon! Besides, slyphons aren’t made to decide for themselves. Only my master knows what is best for me.”
“See? No problem at all”, conveyed Rainbow Dash. “Well then, “slyphon”, where did he want to take us?”
“It is not my duty to decide this. I can tell you for sure though that Braeburn was aiming to visit our local watering hole, “The Salt Block!” Would you kindly follow my lead?”
Ahead of the chain of ponies, the slyphon headed towards the peculiar looking building that was designed in the shape of a salt shaker.
“Twilight? As much as I liked this, do I have to bear this terrible sight for much long? This is getting out of hand! No lady should go through something like that!”
“I’m not sure if I understand, Rarity.”
Twilight gave the diva to her right a worried look.
“Hmm…how do I put this more bluntly? Oh yes! Twilight, be a dearie and please wake up. This sight is hurting both you and me the same way, I know.”
“Looks like you got a concussion and not Braeburn”, said Twilight and trotted forward to the head of the chain, shaking her head. After a moment, she remembered what Fluttershy and the Chancellor had said – when she turned around, Rarity was gone.
~
The slyphon brought everyone a mug of the traditional drink of the village. Oddly enough, Braeburn was already awake again, but didn’t speak a word. He silently emptied his mug in one go. Rainbow Dash stared into her mug.
“Salt? You drink salt? That’s disgusting.”
“I think it’s tasty”, cheered Chancellor Pudding Hat and handed the slyphon her mug.
“Another one please!”
She then pulled the mug out of the creature’s hand.
“No! Wait! I go alone!”
And so, she went off to get herself more salt while the others of the Mane Six didn’t dare to touch theirs. Half on her way Twilight joined her.
“You are most certainly not going alone, Chancellor.”
“Did you run after me? Not fair! Never am I allowed to have fun.”
The chancellor slammed her hooves onto the bar.
“Miss, how may I help you?”
A fancy looking barman, he seemed like a dandy to Twilight, turned to the two ponies. His blazer and mustache spoke of pure manliness and aesthetic.
“Oh! You look funny! What’s…this?”
The chancellor pointed at the monocle the tall pony in front of her wore.
“Is that an eye patch? Are you a pirate? I love pirates! Yoho, fiddle ditty…”
“Would you please stop the singing, miss? If you want music, I can provide you some.”
Out of the pocket of his vest, he pulled something flat and square-ish and tapped on it till ragtime music started playing from it. With wide eyes and an even wider grin, Chancellor Pudding Hat stared at it.
“Well yeah, that’s an iPiano. Our latest technological invention – plays virtual Piano Rolls, you just got to choose which songs you want. Can I get you ladies something now?”
“I’m good”, said Twilight and smiled.
“I want another mug of salt please and one of these funny eye patches”, the pink pony next to Twilight giggled.
The barman returned shortly after this with the mug and a long explanation.
“Sadly, we are out of eye patches. This may be because we don’t sell them here. Or because I don’t wear one, madam. This is a monocle that high-class people wear. It is not an eye patch. I am not a Pirate. I’m a Baron, if you are curious enough to ask.”
“A Baron? Really?”
The chancellor grinned as wide as she could, bend over the bar and licked all over the Baron’s face. Twilight slapped Chancellor Pudding Hat on the shoulder for her rude behavior. Thankfully, this made her surcease from her shameful activity.
“Mmm…so it’s true. All barons are salty!” the pink earth pony diagnosed.
“But seriously, Twilight, don’t you think it’s time to go back now? You’ve been asleep for hours!”
“Not this again.”
The book-loving unicorn trotted a bit faster and took a seat at the table they all had been sitting on before.
“What did we miss?”
“Oh, quite a bit!” blunted Braeburn, took a handkerchief from the table and pushed it against his nose that still was ejecting blood.
“We decided that Rainbow Dash doesn’t have to go to jail”, added Fluttershy.
“And I heard that…urgh…we have to drink the traditional drink now together in the traditional way.”
Rarity seemed a bit disgusted by the thought of a mug full of salt, much to the understanding of Twilight.
“Let’s drink now! I’m thirsty!”
Braeburn raised his mug.
“Finish in one go, because that’s how we roll here in…this town!”
The next thing that happened didn’t seem quite real to our beloved unicorn. In fact, Twilight didn’t know herself what was going on. Things passed on and she found herself back at the station.
“Twiligh’! It’s time to wake up now, Sugarcube!”
“Applejack? You too?”
“Well yes, Twiligh’! Ah tried to tell ya wha’ was goin’ on, but Braeburn didn’t let me. Now list’n, ya’r asleep! This’ a dream, Twiligh’! Wake up! Twiligh’! Wake up!”
Everything started shaking – Twilight opened her eyes and looked around only to see that Rainbow Dash had fallen out of her bed. She was still in the cabin on the train heading to Appleloosa. Still, something was wrong with the situation. Why the sudden shake that had woken her up?
~
Four ponies dashed out of the train that had just arrived in Appleloosa. They stared directly into a grinning face.
“Hey there! Welcome to Appleloosa!”
Braeburn did just the same thing he did in Twilight’s dream.
“Braeburn, listen, we-”
“Cousin Applejack, mind your manners. You have yet to introduce me your compadres! Shame on you!”
This all seemed so familiar to Twilight, but a bit different. The next few minutes seemed to be like a déjà-vu; parts of her dream became true. Of course, this was more normal, but strangely similar.
“Don’t you think he talks a lot?” a soft voice next to her whispered when they arrived at the Sheriff’s place.
“True, Fluttershy. Not that I mind - I guess that’s just how they roll in Appleloosa!”
The End
