Gangsta Cupcakes

by Chuckward

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 3714

Twilight's funky ass get shanked yo.

Mah nigga, Twilight, gets a certain pony all up in her grill.

Cover by Roobles

Published 2013-03-10 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-10 01:50:02 UTC

Grizzle mah nizzle

Da sun was shinin brightly todizzle, much ta tha delight of everypony. Most of tha pony folk was up enjoyin tha clear skies n' sparklin streams up in they own special way, be it havin a picnic ,or enjoyin a sick dip.

But one hood up in particular was not enjoyin tha dizzle so much,the hood of Ponyville. Da usual whirlwind of activitizzle dat seemed ta flow all up in tha lil' small-ass hood was lost. Da reason fo' diz of course was everypony was still tryin ta recover from Pinkie Pie’s sickest fuckin party.

Pinkie had straight-up gone all up in biggin' up her usual "Our thugged-out asses haven’t partied up in two weeks what tha fuck tha hay is wack wit everypony party". Most of tha inhabitantz of Ponyville was nursin hayngovers from too much cider, or rubbin achin musclez from ridin' dirty too hard,but one pony had been too busy ta git all up in tha jam despite tha beggin n' pleadin of her purple n' chronicdragon companion. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. That pony waz of course Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight had been gettin busy like a biiiatch freestylin yet another report fo' Supa-Hoe Celestia,oddly enough tha bizzatch needed ta know tha anatomy of a parasprite fo' some reason. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Twilight had finished her report at 2:00 a.m. n' was too chillaxed ta join tha celebration dat was somehow still goin strong.

"I’ll make it up ta Pinkie tomorrow,"she holla'd aloud ta her muthafuckin ass,and then she fell asleep.

When she awoke she felt rather fatigued , n' lazily dragged her muthafuckin ass outta bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch sluggishly strutted tha fuck into tha bathroom n' proceeded ta brush her mane n' tail.Once dat freaky freaky biatch had achieved maximum tidinizz dat dunkadelic hoe trotted down tha stairs ta smoke breakfast.
Afterwards, she left her doggy den n' cantered off towardz Sugarcube Corner.

After bout ten minutes she reached her destination n' softly knocked on tha door wit her hoof.Almost instantly tha door flew open ta reveal a pink mare wit a puffy pink mane n' a enormous smile on her face.

"Yo Twilight," her big-ass booty holla'd wit a off tha hook amount of juice.

"Yo muthafucka Pinkie,"Twilight replied calmly,"I just came ta apologize fo' bein unable ta partake up in last night’s festivitizzles n' came ta compensate fo' mah absence by bustin all of mah time here wit yo thugged-out ass."

Pinkie looked at Twilight wit a expression of confusion.Twilight sighed.

"I’m sorry fo' missin yo' jam n' I wanna make it up ta you by ridin wit you todizzle."

Pinkie jumped impossibly high up in tha air n' upon landin on tha ground started ta hop around tha purple unicorn while rappin' unbelievably fast.

"OhmygoshI’msoaiiightwegettospendthedaytogetherthisisgonnabesomuchfunwe’llbeliketwopeasinapodexceptthatthereareusuallymorethantwopeasperpodbutinsteadit’sgoingtobejustus-"

Twilight raised a hoof ta calm tha bouncin mare up in front of her muthafuckin ass.

"Calm down Pinkie, I need you ta rap slowly fo' a minute.Now what tha fuck do you wanna do todizzle?"

Pinkie replied straight-up slowly as axed n' put off tha hook emphasis on each syllable.

"IIII wwwwoooouuulllddd lllliiiikkkeee ttooo bbbbaaakkke cuuupppccaaaakkess wiiithh yyyoouu."

Twilight couldn’t muthafuckin help but laugh at her playaz usual silliness.

"Okay Pinkie, we’ll make cupcakes together."

And wit dat they entered tha kitchen ta gather all of tha ingredients.

"What do we need Pinkie?"she axed,"I mean I’ve read all sortz of books bout tha culinary arts but I can never make mah cupcakes taste like as delicious as yours."

"Oh it’s easy as fuck Twilight,
all you have ta do is take a cold-ass lil cup of flour,add it ta tha mix.
now you take a lil somethang dope not sour, a funky-ass bit of salt just a pinch.
Bakin these treats is such a cold-ass lil cinch,add a teaspoon of vanilla.
Add a lil mo' n' you count ta four n' you never git yo' fillaaaaaaa.
Cupcakes
So dope n' dirty
Cupcakes
Don’t be too hasty
Cupcakes Cupcakes Cupcakes."

Twilight repeated tha process n' although her big-ass booty somehow managed ta git batter up in her ears as well as all over her lavender coat,she eventually had a big-ass bowl filled wit tha same stupid-ass mixture as Pinkie’s.

"Now we’ll put em’ up in tha fridge n' wait fo' dem ta git cold, afta dat we can add tha special ingredient n' pop dem up in tha oven."

"What’s tha special ingredient?"

"You,silly."

Before Twilight could ask what tha fuck Pinkie meant,her playa struck her up in tha temple wit a gangbangin' fryin pan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da blow hit harder than Twilight could have eva expected, she knew dat Ghetto Ponies dominizzled both Unicorns n' Pegasi up in termz of physical strength yo, but Pinkie was a funky-ass baker, not a workhorse.

How tha fuck could dat freaky freaky biatch have hit me so hard?"Twilight thought ta her muthafuckin ass,"and why would dat freaky freaky biatch hit me up in tha straight-up original gangsta place?Oh dope Celestia I’m blackin out."
----------------------------------=----
When Twilight awoke she found her muthafuckin ass strapped ta a table. Da table was standin upright n' was made of a worn,splintery wood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Rather than panic, Twilight remained calm n' assessed tha situation.

"Let’s see, pitch-black,taut leather straps, levers n' wheels all connected ta dis table,and multiple bloodstains,"Twilight thought fo' a moment,"I’m up in a torture chamber,"she exfronted, feelin proud as a muthafucka of her own intelligence, at least until what tha fuck dat freaky freaky biatch had holla'd sank in,and dat biiiiatch was overwhelmed wit terror.

"Awww you spoiled tha surprise,"came a voice from outta tha darkness.Da speaker approached,"I can’t believe you’re already awake.I didn’t even have time ta put on mah dress."

"Oh Pinkie, give props ta Celestia you’re here, somepony has strapped mah crazy ass to-"

"Oh yeah dat was mah dirty ass."

"What?"

"I’m tha one whoz ass tied you up."

"WHY?"

"Well cuz yo' number came up."

" What number?"

"Well duhhh, everypony up in Ponyville has a number.See, what tha fuck happens is, every last muthafuckin once up in a while I run outta pony meat ta bake with,and when dat happens I draw a number from a funky-ass basebizzle cap n' whomever happens ta have dat number is tha one I kill.It’s basically supply n' demand."

"Pinkie if dis is some kind of joke-"

"Oh it’s no joke, I’ve been bustin dis fo' awhile now, nahmeean?I muthafuckin drew yo' number yesterday.I can’t believe how tha fuck easy as fuck it was dis time,I mean here I was, tryin ta come up wit a phat plan ta lure you tha fuck into mah bakery,and you sheezy up at mah doorstep wantin ta ride wit me,"Pinkie continued ta rap as she moved towardz a big-ass cart filled wit various surgical tools.

"I can’t wait ta start,this is gonna be so much fun."

"Yo ass holla'd you’ve been bustin dis fo' a while, how tha fuck long."

"Oh bout as long as I’ve lived up in Ponyville."

"H-how many?"

"Oh lets peep here...Twelve Ghetto Ponies,Eight Unicorns,Four Pegasi, n' one Griffon, so dat makes,"she counted tha numbers on her hooves,then remembered her dope ass didn’t have fingers,"twenty-five up in total,"Pinkie picked up a scalpel,"but dat aint blingin,it’s time ta git started."

Pinkie approached Twilight n' moved ta her left flank,she placed tha scalpel on Twilight’s thigh just above her cutie mark n' attempted ta make a incision yo, but tha blade wouldn’t sink tha fuck into Twilight’s flesh.

"Oh horseapplez it’s dull,guess I didn’t sharpen it,I can be such a gangbangin' forgetful Frank sometimes."

Biatch looked ta Twilight,"I’m sorry Twily, I have ta go git another scalpel,"she moved ta tha far wall n' flipped a lil' small-ass lightswitch,"I’ll let mah playaz keep you company while I’m gone."

Da lights flickered on ta reveal tha room around Twilight. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch took a look around,and screamed.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Da room was stained blood red,and was decorated wit a sick n' twisted version of Pinkie’s usual style. Colorful streamerz of dried entrails fluttered on tha ceiling, Organs done up in pastels filled wit helium was tied ta tha backz of chairs.Da tablez n' chairs themselves was made of bones,and tha preserved flesh of past ponies.On each of tha tablez there was severed pony headz bustin jam basebizzle caps made of they own skin.Twilight reeled up in horror all up in tha macabre decorations.
"Oh Celestia what tha fuck be I gonna do?"

"I’m back now, n' mah tools is sharp n' ready."

Twilight stared all up in tha sadistic pink mare up in front of her muthafuckin ass. Pinkie was now bustin her straight-up dress. Da dress was composed of tha cutie markz of past suckas, on tha back fluttered four pairz of pegasus wings,and around her neck was a phat gold rope made of severed unicorn horns dat clacked loudly wit every last muthafuckin step dat dunkadelic hoe took.

Twilight stared up in sheer terror n' only one thought remained up in tha frightened mare’s head I’ve gots ta git outta here!Twilight focused all of her magic tha fuck into her horn n' fired tha blast directly at Pinkie Pie. Or at least that’s how tha fuck she imagined it, up in realitizzle not a god damn thang happened.

"Pinkie?"

"Yeah Twilight?"

"Why can’t I bust mah magic?"

"Because I cut yo' horn off while you was asleep.I can’t have da most thugged-out bangin unicorn up in Equestria rockin her magic ta escape now can I?"Biatch positioned tha fresh scalpel at Twilight’s hip."Now lets git started."

Pinkie sunk tha blade tha fuck into twilight’s skin on some half inch. Then cut a cold-ass lil circle around Twilight’s cutie mark.Honestly Twilight didn’t feel much pain at first. Then Pinkie came up in wit tha circular blade ta peel away Twilight’s cutie mark. Once she felt dat freaky freaky biatch had cut enough Pinkie tore tha skin away wit a wet sickenin rippin sound. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Twilight let up a funky-ass bloodcurdlin cry from tha pain of her cuts. This pain only became worse when tha oxygen hit tha exposed muscle bustin a sharp stingin sensation all over Twilight’s leg.Pinkie patiently waited fo' Twilight’s screams ta fade tha fuck into dull sobs before movin ta Twilight’s other flank n' repeated tha process,producin another round of shrill cries from Twilight Sparkle.Once dat freaky freaky biatch had both cutie marks da hoe fuckin started ta spin then on her hooves as if they was plates, until they fell ta tha ground wit a wet slap.

"P-p-pinkie,"Twilight holla'd, her voice raspy already from tha screaming.

"Yes Twilight?"

"Please let me go,"upon sayin dis Twilight broke down tha fuck into tears.Pinkie comforted Twilight Sparkle n' tried her dopest ta gangbang her despite tha fact dat Twilight was strapped ta a table.

"Oh Twilight please don’t cry like a muthafucka..."Twilight looked up, eyes full of hope."If you cry tha cupcakes won’t taste as good."

Twilight Sparkle’s ass sank.Pinkie stopped comfortin her sullen playa n' jumped back up overzealous all up in tha next step on her list.

"Oh don’t be fucked up Twilight,the funk is just beginning."

With dat Pinkie approached tha mechanical wheel next ta tha table n' fuckin started ta turn it until Twilight Sparkle was flat on her back.

"This next part is one of mah favorites."

Pinkie ran off ta a cold-ass lil corner of tha room, just outside of Twilight’s field of vision only ta quickly return holdin four searin bangin' nails n' a lil' small-ass hammer.Then she placed one of tha nails all up in tha connection between Twilight’s hoof n' tha rest of her leg.Twilight immediately knew what tha fuck Pinkie was up to.

"NO PINKIE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA DON’T!"

Pinkie rolled her eyes n' decided ta drown up Twilight’s screamz of protest wit a song.

"All you have ta do is take a cold-ass lil cup of pony,add it ta tha mix."

Biatch steadied tha nail.

"Now just take a lil somethang dope not sour a funky-ass bit of blood just a pinch."

Biatch took her first swing,and missed crushin Twilight’s femur.

"Oops. Oh well, makin these treats is such a cold-ass lil cinch, add a lil slice of liver."

Biatch swung again,this time hittin her target. Da white bangin' nail sunk tha fuck into Twilight’s leg, splinterin tha bone.Da combination of seein tha blood n' gore before her n' tha pain from tha burns left by tha nails made Twilight vomit all over her muthafuckin ass.

Unphased, Pinkie continued ta rap her sick lil cold lil' woo wop while sinkin tha burnin nails tha fuck into Twilight’s three remainin hooves.

"Pinkie needz ta make shizzle dat it stays a secret or nopony would forgive heeeeeerrrr,
Cupcakes, so dope n' dirty
Cupcakes, don’t be too hasty
Cupcakes
CUPCAKES CUPCAKES CUPCAKES!!"
When dat biiiiatch was done rappin pinkie giggled a funky-ass bit.
"Oh I just ludd ta sing!"

Pinkie then took tha scalpel again n' again n' again n' moved back ta her playmate.Biatch made one long cut from tha top of Twilight’s chest, all tha way ta tha bottom of her stomach. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch then made two horizontal cuts at each end of tha straight-up original gangsta line.

"Looks like I’ve gots mah eye on you,"Pinkie paused n' thought fo' a moment,"wow dat gets oldschool afta a while."
Pinkie opened tha skin flaps on Twilight’s body ta reveal a whole host of organs,each one dat freaky freaky biatch had a pun for.First she removed both tha big-ass n' lil' small-ass intestines n' then proceeded ta tear up tha other organs,makin a freshly smoked up joke wit each one.

"Gee Twilight I know I’ve been like a Pancreas yo, but at least I know what tha fuck I’m bustin dis time I mean when I first started I done cooked up a terrible mess of things, up in fact you might even say I Rectum.Well these puns is gettin hard ta stomach"

Twilight had long before tuned up tha macabre comedy act n' waited fo' tha dope embrace of dirtnap ta remove her from dis hell.

Pinkie reached tha last organ.

"Ya know when it comes ta mah thang you straight-up need ta have tha ass fo' dat shit."

With her ass removed Twilight’s dirtnap came almost instantly yo, but before her dope ass took a dirt nap she looked all up in tha room one last time, her big-ass booty saw a funky-ass banner made of skin up in tha background dat dat freaky freaky biatch had somehow missed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Before her dope ass took a dirt nap tha last thang Twilight saw was a message on a big-ass banner freestyled up in blood,it holla'd

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWILIGHT

Hell party...in heaven.

Twilight awoke to find herself staring at the sun. She clenched her eyes shut and turned away fron the blinding light. She slowly opened her eyes yet again, squinting until she adjusted to the harsh UV rays.

After regaining her sight, Twilight looked around. She didn't know where she was, or why she was there, hell at the moment Twilight couldn't really remember anything. Twilight continued to survey her surroundings. There wasn't much to see, nothing but a floor of clouds was visible to her. She slowly stood up, legs wobbling due to the soft clouds beneath her. Twilight gingerly took a step, tripping and falling to the cloud floor.

"Hello?" Twilight called into the white nothingness around her," Is anybody there?"

Almost at the exact second she finished her sentence, Twilight heard a low rumbling sound that was steadily increasing in volume. Suddenly, four enormous metal walls sprang up around her, and a floor of rainbow colored flourescent lighting rose through the clouds, giving Twilight steady footing. Twilight looked up, and also saw a large rectangle falling down from the sky.

The large metal square landed perfectly on top of the surrounding walls, completing the room. Twenty circular trap doors opened around Twilight, and several silhouettes, each in a different dance related pose, ascended slowly until they were level with Twilight.

"Bring us God!" shouted one of the silhouettes. Then, a beautiful stage with flourescent steps folded out from the far wall and a man sprang up from a large hole in the floor.

He was eight feet tall with razor sharp talons, a beautiful grey beard, and a face that would make Brad Pitt swoon in ecstasy. He was wearing a dark blue tuxedo, and a name tag that said "God"

"Welcome to heaven Twilight," God sang," Are you ready to party?"

God then turned a pitcher of water into an electric guitar and began to shred like no other. A godly disco ball descended from the ceiling, spreading delicious light across the silhouetted figures. The light revealed it to be a group of ponies, each more badass than the last.

In unison, they began to combine the Macarena with Gangnam Style. Twilight stared in bewilderment as up on the stage, Tupac took form, grabbing a microphone. He looked to twilight, and started to bust some sick fuckin rhymes.

"Twilight Sparkle's in the house now it's time to make some noise
For the little purple pony who is loved by girls and boys
All over the world niggas praise her name
I may be an awful rapper but I still like trains
My wife beats me each time I make an appearance
I'm glad I got shot, now I don't have to hear her bullshit."

Suddenly, a hole opened up in the ceiling above the stage, and Biggie Smalls descended from above.

"Yo Tupac, mah nigga, how'd it feel when you got shot?
Did you know I took a piss on your grave? I thought not!
I'm a stone cold killer, who gets bitches for free.
You shoulda never tried to take on the Big E."

Something awoke in Twilight, some inane sixth sense. She slowly made her way to the stage, taking a short step. In the the back of her mind, Twilight new what she had to do. She was no longer The Element of Magic.
She was now The Element of Rhymes!

Twilight now stood at the top of the stage, a microphone levitating in front of her.

"Tupac and Biggie, stop being little bitches,
I'm about to go apeshit and give you niggas stitches.
I may be lavender outside, but I'm black at heart.
My rhymes are razor sharp and they will rip you apart.
Biggie, you may be a fatass who is famous as can be,
but you still ain't got no money, spent it all on KFC.
Tupac baby, sorry to be mean,
But your fucking hologram had more personality.
I've saved the world three times, don't need to listen to your crap.
Cause your asses just got played by The Element of Rap."

Twilight dropped the microphone and stared at the crowd around her. The awed faces increasing her rapping power to unimaginable levels.

Tupac and Biggie both let out bloodcurdling screams as they slowly dissolved into two puddles of black liquid. Two white orbs made of pure rhyme energy floated up out of the puddles and into Twilight Sparlle, each landing on the small off her back. In an instant, Twilight was engulfed in white light.

Twilight began to transform, shapeshifting into a brand new form. Her teeth became golden, and she got a sweet grill that said "Fresh" and then she got another grill on top of that grill, which only the illest of gangstas can attain. She grew beautiful, feathery wings, each one with gold rims. Finally, a royal crown made of golden menthols appeared on her head.

The light dissipated, revealing Twilight's new form to the ponies around her. God declared her The Princess of Rap and decided to bring her back to life. So he grabbed his guitar and played Hangar Eighteen on expert mode, sending Twilight back to Equestria.

Twilight was transported to Equestria in the blink of an eye, winding up in the same spot where she died. Now that she was alive again, her memories of the horrific events that transpired in this horrible basement returned to her. Twilight grew angry, and she made her way up the basement stairs to pass judgement upon the evil Pinkie Pie.

Twilight made her way into the Cake's kitchen, finding the object of her anger devouring a plate of purple cupcakes.

"Pinkie!"

Pinkie turned to Twilight, and looked on in shock. She quickly swallowed the glob of cupcakes in her mouth and moved away from the kitchen counter.

"Twilight, how did you survive?"

"I didn't."

Twilight used her new magic to form cuffs and bolts, nailing Pinkie to the far wall.

"Pinkie, for the abhorrent acts you've commited against your own kind, I sentence you to death by rap.

Pinkie pie, I don't know why you slaughtered all your friends,
But that doesn't matter, today your killing spree will end.
You'll never see coming as I move in for the verbal kill.
I gained my rapping prowess from my skill with a quill.
Nopony will ever feel the fear you instill,
After I spill your blood,
No one could stop you but today I will."

With that last rhyme a stream of air shot out from Twilights wings, slicing Pinkie's skin to ribbons. A miniature torrent of blood spurted out out Pinkie's many cuts, pooling onto the floor. Twilight removed the cuffs that held Pinkie in place, and her pink former friend collapsed onto the ground in a bloody heap.

---------------___________________________

Twilight enjoyed her reign over Ponyville, and eventually she teamed up with Machine Gun Kelly, and they managed to defeat Celestia in a rap battle, and overthrow her. Unfortunately Machine Gun Kelly had a cap busted in his ass, and died.

In her grief, Twilight unleashed the Black Plague upon Equestria, and they all lived happily ever after.