Derpy Blows Herself Because I'm Bad as Fuck! 2: Dimensional Dizziness
Derpy blows herself because I’m bad as FUCK 2:
Dimensional Dizziness
One magically enhanced afternoon, the pegasus pony known as Derpy Hooves was relaxing in her house, watching the newest episode of Game of Pones, which she had eagerly been awaiting all week for. Beside her lay a bowl of muffin shaped popcorn and a tall glass of muffin milk. She tentatively nibbled on and sipped each respective snack substance.
About half an hour into the broadcast, Derpy realized that she had finished off all of the popcorn. So she paused the television and heaved her fat ass off the sofa to go make some more. She walked into her kitchen and as she bent down to open her snack cupboard she heard a sharp knocking on her front door.
Derpy quickly trotted toward the door and called out, “Who is it?”
Silence was her only answer.
She stood in front of her door, apprehensive to open it. She wished she had one of those holes in her door that let her see who was there without opening the door. She could make it a muffin shaped hole. She pushed the thought to the back of her mind for later and decided to call out again, this time a little louder.
“Who is it?”
No sounds were audible from the other side of the door. Several thoughts ran through Derpy’s mind. Perhaps it was one of those games where the kids knock on the door and run away, or maybe someone delivered a package, knocked, and then left. Today was her day off from delivery, but why would anyone send her a package?
While she was thinking, the sound of knocking came yet again. The sudden sound startled Derpy for a moment, and then she called out one more time, “Who is that knocking on my door?”
Once more there was nothing to be heard from beyond the door. Derpy wasn’t sure what to do, so she quickly ran to her closet, grabbed her muffin blaster, filled it up with some fresh ammo, and made her way back to the door. She carefully reached out and twisted the door knob and slowly opened the door, making sure to keep her muffin blaster out of view from whoever was on the other side.
Standing on her doorstep was a dashing young earth stallion with a million bit grin dressed in strange white robes, and off to his right was a shorter earth stallion also dressed in the same strange white robes.
“Hello there!” The taller stallion said confidently.
“Uh…hi,” Derpy muttered. “How can I help you two?”
“May we come in?”
Derpy tilted her head confusingly, “N-No...”
“Oh, excuse me. My name is Michael, but most people call my Mike. This is my associate Digby, we arrived here in Ponyville due to a celestial imbalance which seems to be resonating most prominently from this establishment. You see, we’re angels, and as such it is our duty to maintain balance throughout the cosmos.”
Derpy Blinked.
“We realize that this must be confusing for you, but rest assured that we are trained professionals and we deal with these kinds of issues all the time. So we’d like to ask you a few questions and see if we can rectify this situation as cleanly and proficiently as possible.”
“Ya’ll are wack,” Derpy blurted out. “Please go away or I’ll call the police.”
“Please just try to understand that we’re here under the best of intentions” Mike said and took a step forward.
Derpy brandished her Muffin Blaster and shouted, “Get away from my house!”
The stallions stood there expressionless; eventually Digby whispered something into Mike’s ear. Before she could realize what was going on, Derpy was shocked to find that her Muffin blaster had disappeared right from her hooves. She let out a short yelp of surprise.
“Don’t be alarmed,” Digby said, “We just need for you to remain calm and answer our questions so we can all be through with this.”
Derpy stood there with her mouth agape, dumbfounded at what was going on. The two stallions walked in on their own accord, and Derpy followed them shortly after.
“Please have a seat, over there.” Mike gestured toward her couch where an embarrassing ass mark was still visible.
Derpy quickly hopped up onto the sofa and sprawled out a bit, trying to look cool and hoping the stallions didn’t notice the mark before her. They seemed to be more pre-occupied with whatever task was at hoof, though.
“All right Derpy,” Digby said. “It has come to our attention that you possess a unique ability which allows you to blow yourself, despite the fact that you are female and all your ribs are correctly set.”
“Uh,” Derpy quietly peeped. “I guess…”
“Do you have a penis?” Mike said.
Derpy, stole a quick glance toward her crotch, and then affirmably stated, “No.”
“Have you ever had a penis?”
“Not that I can recall.”
“Were you born an orphan who turned out to be stolen from your single mother? were you born a unisex due to a rare genetic mutation you somehow inherited from your parents, and before you realized you were unisex, did you ever get knocked up by a strangely familiar stallion, and directly after finding out you're pregnant, that same stallion goes missing, and then you birth a child which also happens to be a unisex, then have that baby stolen from you, and then undergo the surgery to remove your ovaries which, due to their fragile state, were completely mutilated during childbirth, sub sequentially turning yourself into male? After all of that did you eventually encounter a bartender who tricked you to going back in time only to have you fall in love with your past female self where you then promptly had sex with yourself, and before you could do anything else you were brought back to the present and were inducted into a time traveling agency from the future, and because of all this you were unable to witness your past self giving birth to yourself which was then stolen by the aforementioned bartender and placed into an orphanage, and after several years in the time traveling agency, did you go back in time and pose as a bartender to unravel the previous events where you cause yourself to have sex with yourself in order to birth yourself?
There was a long pause
“Uh...No!”
“Sorry, this is just standard procedure. We’re divinely obligated to ask these strange albeit crucial questions.”
Derpy shifted uneasily, she was getting seriously weirded out by these two.
Digby piped in this time and asked, “Is there any way you could possible reenact the blowing of yourself?”
“No,” said Derpy, “I’ve never been able to do it on my own, it just kinda happens without me really knowing it, usually during times of great stress and annoyance.”
Digby gave an uneasy glance towards Mike.
“One more question,” said Mike. “Prior to when we caused your muffin blaster to vanish, have you ever witnessed any unexplainable events, like events that seem to defy physics or break the fourth wall of reality?”
Derpy contemplated for a moment before saying, “Well…There have been a few instances where I saw this one earth pony appearing out of nowhere and acting really strange all the time, but I suppose with a little grasp on the basic magical statutes of our land, anypony could figure out some unorthodox ways of accomplishing small magical tasks without being born a unicorn. You should see what this one zebra I know can do with just a few herbs and spices.”
“I see,” Digby said. “So, nothing to the caliber of performing the impossible, even by magic’s standards?”
“I don’t think so, no.”
Mike sighed and reluctantly said, “Well then, by the power invested in me, you, Derpy Hooves, are now placed under cosmic arrest for the crime of disregarding the omniscient and previously assumed unbreakable laws of life, the universe, and everything. Under section 42 of the Quantum Unprecedented Entropic Experiential Relativity act, which states that, in the event of the breaking of any of the unbreakable laws of the universe, you shall be held on trial where you may attempt to prove innocence, but if you cannot, you shall receive divine punishment as decided upon by everything ever in the universe. Possible punishments include, but are not limited to: eternity in a solitary purgatory, The 'Prometheus' treatment (Also for eternity), and eternal torture via lake of fire.”
Derpy sat still for a moment. The cogs in her brain slowly began turning, and a spark was created which released a small muffin shaped puff of smoke in her head.
“WHAT?” She screeched.
Mike suddenly disappeared and reappeared behind her. He raised a hoof, and Derpy suddenly had no control of her body. She was slowly lifted up off her sofa by an invisible force which definitely could not be considered as any kind of magic known to her world.
Her extremities were pulled each in their respective opposite directions, causing her to be stretched in a star position. She hovered over toward Digby and was tilted with her stomach facing downward, then was lowered to be eye level with the stallion. Her left eye stared into his right, and her right eye was pitifully drooped toward the floor.
“Mike,” Digby called out. “Correct that lazy eye of hers.”
Derpy jolted internally, she wanted to scream “No!”, but she couldn't move a single muscle. Ever so slowly, her right eye raised itself. Derpy tried with all her might to move it back, close her eyes, or anything to refrain from making full eye contact. But to no avail. Eventually, her golden right eye made its way parallel with its counterpart, and the center of both of her pupils created full atomically straight lines with those of Digby’s.
All at once, there was a terrible sound coming from all around, a sound which could only be compared to something akin to the sound of several thousand violins all shrieking their highest notes, while twisted metal tore itself apart and the thunderous booming roar of a behemoth born from a dimension beyond all comprehension of time and space blasted from an unidentifiable source. The foundations of the cottage, neigh, the very fabric of the universe shook with the violent force of 10 trillion Tsar Bombas. The skies shattered, causing a multi-thunderous boom across the world. All above the land shone a darkness blacker than nonexistence. Massive collections of energy began assimilating and destroying themselves in a frightening display of dynamism.
Digby’s pupils grew wide, and his very being was pierced by the soul sucking stare of Derpy’s Luminescent Yellow eyes. In beyond her pupils he saw the creation and destruction of billions of universes and worlds and civilizations with every passing millisecond. He saw the reckoning of the damned and invocation of the pure. He saw a collective consciousness warring against itself. He saw every moment of his life and every thought of every living thing he ever encountered. But beyond all of this, he saw Derpy. He gazed into the endless black pit of the darkest most powerful manifestation of every instance of everything that is, was, and has yet to come. A pony so monumentally omnipotent that saying she encompasses everything, everywhere, and every-when would be a repulsive understatement. Derpy’s innerness was the most beautiful, terrifying, tragic, miraculous, and remarkably explainable thing he had ever witnessed. So overwhelming, in fact, that he dropped dead almost an instant after eye contact was made.
Astonished at everything that was going on; Mike lost all concentration and dropped Derpy. He threw himself onto the ground and rolled around violently with his hooves over his hears, trying to drown out the terrifying noise. His eardrums shattered, and his eyes and nose began to leak thin trails of blood. He let out a dry wail of pain as he writhed around in utter agony.
Derpy lifted herself off the floor, completely immune to the damaging effect of the terrible noise around her. Her eye drifted back toward the floor and she resumed her usual derped expression. She turned toward where Mike lay.
Mike began screaming inaudible words, bloody tears running down his cheeks, and an expression of utter terror plastered on his face.
“Oh no, what’s going on, what do I do?” Derpy cried out.
The foundations of the cottage trembled and began to collapse. Derpy ran for the door, but before she made it out she looked back at the stallion lying down on her floor. Mike convulsed in every direction and screamed and tore at the floor and at his own body, his mouth kept going through the same cycles and he appeared to be saying, “It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” over and over again. Derpy was about to go and try to rescue him, but before she could even move, a portion of the roof collapsed in on itself and Mike was pinned under a large wooden support beam. His chest flattened and an endless pool of blood began to form, yet despite his lungs being crushed he still kept mouthing out the words, “It hurts, it hurts.”
Derpy stared at the horrifying sight of mike. A single tear ran down her cheek. She slammed her eyes shut and ran out the door just as the rest of the roof began to collapse.
Out in the open, Derpy saw the rest of the buildings of Ponyville demolish themselves. The streets ran with a hot river of blood from all the ponies that fell victim to the terrible sound. Derpy didn’t know what to do, so she ran. She ran as fast as she could and then some. She used her wings to push herself faster and faster away from the wreckage of her home.
Out in an empty field, the entire world still trembling around her, Derpy tripped over her own legs and fell flat on her face. There she cried. Unable to comprehend what was going on, she wept loudly until her eyes dried and her throat cracked. Not knowing what else to do, Derpy decided to do the one thing her instincts had warned her never ever to do.
Derpy stood up, as proudly as she could. She wiped her eyes, and stared straight ahead. With all the strength she could muster, Derpy aligned her eyes. The tremor of the world shook even more violently, and the ground began to collapse beneath her feet. With one last determined effort, Derpy raised her head toward the endless black.
And with that, the infinite deep dark blackness shot down into Derpy’s eyes. The pure force of the black pulled at Derpy as she pulled it. She slowly lifted up off the ground without the aid of her wings. She ascended up toward the void. Oblivion itself was being eradicated by the raw might and power of Derpy’s gaze. She rocketed out toward the null. Derpy wailed one last cry towards the black, and at the apex of her shriek, she vanished. Derpy left the destruction of this world, and left the immortal Archangel Michael to lie tortured eternally by the never-ending annihilation of the universe.
Derpy awoke in the new universe of her own unintentional creation. Everything was just as it was before Mike and Digby showed up. Derpy began to cry again, overwhelmed with happiness now that everything had returned to normal. When she finished crying, she popped herself some more muffin shaped popcorn, plopped her fat ass back onto the sofa, and finished watching this week’s episode of Game of Pones.
Dissatisfied with the ending, Derpy stormed up to her bedroom and proceeded to blow herself, because I’m bad as FUCK!
THE END
Author's Note
Do not worry about reading the first DBHBIBaF. Both stories are pretty much unrelated from each other. Though this one's more than twice and long. I think this one is much better than the first.
This whole thing was written in one sitting on a whim, so that should explain the piss poor story planning. I started writing and kept on going until It was done. Post production was also pretty amateur, mostly just changing reoccurring words with synonyms.
The story was originally intended to be Derpy traveling through several different universes and meeting several characters from several different medias (e.g. Link, Obama, Gatsby, etc.). That's why the two angels are a Heinlein reference. But for some reason, I could never segue into that, so I just dropped the idea.
Also, this time, the whole story was written entirely by me.
Clopping to this story is not only encouraged, but enforced. Failure to ejaculate after reading will result in 15 years imprisonment followed by death via slow torture carried out by my own brigand of clop cops. You've been warned.
