It Ain't Respectable

by FakeScienceMonthly

Rating: teen
Tags: Cheerilee, Diamond Tiara, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2550

Apple Bloom overhears a crass conversation, and Applejack teaches her a lesson, but it's not the one she intended. Contains foul language.

Apple Bloom overhears a crass conversation, and Applejack teaches her a lesson, but it's not the one she intended. Contains foul language.

Published 2013-03-10 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-10 04:50:01 UTC

Story

“But why not, big sis?”

Apple Bloom was whining on their way back from the market. Her sister would usually just give her the old ‘Because Ah say so’ and be done with it, but she’d made a promise to hear out Apple Bloom’s story if she would behave at the apple stall, and she had found nothing to call her out on.

“Ah’m telling ya Apple Bloom, that’s disgusting business what you’re on about tryin’.”

Applejack was carrying the wooden structure of their portable apple stall, all nicely folded up for transport on her back. Her sister was left to carry the remaining apples that had gone unsold in her saddle bag, but they had a surplus, so she had to carry the extra in a sack in her mouth putting it down every few seconds to get a word in before scrambling to catch up.

“Well, what’s so disgustin’ about it? We got pigs back on the farm, an it couldn’t possibly be more mess than them.”

The little filly never though there would be a price for her good behaviour. Applejack didn’t believe she’d hold to it for five seconds, and she’s packed extra apples as bribes for disgruntled customers. When it turned out they didn’t need them, it was still Apple Bloom’s job to take them home.

“Yea, but you’re talkin’ about little critters. There’d be a lot of ‘em and I know just you three little fillies couldn’t keep track of ‘em all on your own.”

They were passing through the main residential district of Ponyville. Farmers market finished at ten, and it was a Sunday, so there wasn’t a lot going on. There were a few ponies that could be seen happily trotting along to wherever they were going.

“We got it all worked out. Scootaloo’s already got the tank off one of her uncles or somethin’; we know Fluttershy’s got extra in stock, and she’d be careful to help us get it set up.”

Applejack was increasing her pace with frustration. She tilted up her head in assurance that she was right, and even though she agreed to the whole ‘discussion’ thing, it was only going to end one way.

“Well how’re ya gonna fix things if they do go wrong? This could be like those parasprites all over again. You tellin’ me you gonna build up a whole new barn when this thing goes under?”

She jumped straight from ‘it could go wrong’ to ‘it will go wrong’ in one bout. Apple Bloom started to voice her frustrations at that, but knew it wouldn’t get anywhere, so she decided to change tactics. Up ahead another argument could be heard that the both of them were too preoccupied amongst themselves to notice.

“You know that only happened – ‘cause of Twilights magic.” She was beginning to pant from the exertion of keeping up. “This’d be – perfectly safe. And we need the farm to keep it – ‘cause Sweetie Belle’s always movin’ places – and Scootaloo’s brother’s too rough. You gotta let us, big sis!”

Applejack gave a grunt, which she made a poor effort to hide, but it was just enough that she could claim to have made an attempt. Other ponies were starting to gather in the street’s at the distant shouting grew louder.

“AB, Ah try to let you little fillies get away with whatever you wanna do, but we just can’t have this; it ain’t respectable. There’s no way I’m lettin’ you three start an ant farm.”

“You don’t – know how – little – this – thing – will—”

“Good gravy girl, learn to complete your sentences. We don’t send ya to that school of yours for nothin’.” She stopped and looked at her little sister, as it half-expecting some sort of apology.

Apple Bloom let out a half sigh, half grunt of frustration and collapsed to the floor with the sack still in her teeth. It looked like Applejack was about to comment or her being out of shape or something, but the settling of their quarrel allowed them the spare attention to catch what was going on.

“You used that excuse yesterday! No stallion washes their mane that much! You think I don’t see what’s going on?”

Cherry Berry was standing out on the street yelling at Thunderlane. The mare seemed very unsettled, but more antagonistic than distraught. Her pitch was dreadful as a cocatrice screech.

“Berry, honey, it’s not like what you think.”

He was on the defensive, but not in a completely sleazy, last-ditch-to-make-up sort of way; more accurately, just giving off a general air of failure to comprehend the situation.

“Oh? So what do you think I think is going on then?”

“Uhh… I…”

“Too afraid to say it, huh?” She had him cornered. “You’ve been avoiding me! What? Am I not good enough for you?” She gasped. “Is there somepony else!”

It was a strangely delivered set of accusations. Said with complete seriousness, but also as if it were so ingrained in her mind it could be considered habitual. Applebloom compared the tone to Cheerilee’s daily scolding of Snip’s and Snail’s for whatever they had done wrong at any given time.

“There’s nopony else!” He was getting anxious about the crowd gathering to watch their display. “Listen, why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about this.”

She stared stupidly for a few seconds after he was finished before continuing on the same train of thought. “It’s Daisy isn’t it. I should have guessed.”

“It’s nopony! Ok, I’ll say it! I just wanted some time alone! That’s all! We’ve been going on dates every night and I have other things I need to do sometimes.”

Cherry reacted to this like it was the most unreasonable demand the world. One such that a blasphemy of its magnitude could not go unpunished. She gained some serenity here, but logic did not follow with it.

“Thunderlane, you really need to think things through.” Her eyes grew misty and serious like that of a fanatic preacher whose message had long gone ignored. “There’s a responsibility that comes with taking a mare. She has needs, and expectations. A stallion has to be there for her. To make her feel special. And treat her right. And be there for her.”

She appeared to be rambling, as her expression grew distant as if engrossed in a detailed fantasy of sorts, but just before Thunderlane tried to add a comment, she snapped back to confrontational. It seemed that was her plan all along.

“You just don’t get it. Thunderlane, I just don’t think things can work like this.”

He took a step back in confusion and shock, but confusion far greater in proportion. His eyes were sad, but not without reserved disbelief. “Are you… breaking up with me?”

“Oh, no. I just have to work on you.” She seemed to have sporadically jumped to excitement, forgetting the immediate conversation. “It’s ok. You just have a few rough edges. But I’ll file you down, and you’ll be the perfect stallion.” The fantasy eyes returned with full force.

“But, what do I do when I need some time to myself?”

“There’ll be plenty of time! You can do whatever you want after our lunch date. I already booked us a nice place.”

The little file clerks in Thunderlane’s head ran into each other in a frenzy of thought, trying to understand the pieces of this puzzle, but somepony really needed to hire them assistants. “Can’t we reschedule this?”

She bounced over to him and nuzzled the side of his face. “I don’t see why we should.”

Their little office broke apart as a volcano pierced the floor, spilling lava all over the place. The survivors fought for balance of desks and file cabinets repurposed as canoes. They were an irate bunch.

“Berry, come here. Listen.” He pulled her face up to his and jostled it to shake her out of whatever she was on. “Listen.” He forced eye contact like a trainer with an unruly dog. It took a few seconds of darting around in madness before they settled.

“Go suck a dick.”

The hooves clamped down on Apple Bloom’s ears; Applejack responding as if she were quick enough, she might just be able to react in the past. The extra weight pushed the filly to the ground beside her apple sack. Applejack’s eyes darted about in fear of an imaginary scolding for allowing her sister to hear such filth.

While Apple Bloom dusted herself off, Thunderlane trotted back into his house, and the gathering of gossip hungry mares around the flabbergasted Cherry Berry moved in to offer comfort. The womanising, sea-dog Thunderlane would be the target of tomorrow’s trash talk, throughout flower stalls and hair salons.

“Uhhhh… What ya do that for sis?”

“Nothin’ AB, you don’t need to pay no attention to what just happened; no siree.”

“Applejack, Ah’m a big pony. I know what’s goin’ on when Ah see it.”

“You make sure ya don’t keep a head full of that pig slop, ya hear? Ain’t nothin’ a filly your age should be thinkin’ about.” Applejack shuddered.

Apple Bloom grumbled at her sister’s lack of faith in her. And more so still for the denied request at no good reason. There would be no point bringing it up again now. Applejack would be too preoccupied with covering up this morning’s lewd interlude. She was stubborn enough on her best day.

The pair of them paced back to the farm to toil away the afternoon.

And the daily scolding was just on time. Another glue accident today. It was not that the pair of sticky colts were incapable of learning, but it seemed that each new fact simply pushed out the old, and each day’s lesson would be gone by next week. They had fallen into an almost predictable pattern. Apple Bloom considered starting up some sort of betting pool on it. If she had to sit through it every day, she may as well make a few bits. It was opportunistic spirit of the apple family after all. Waste not, want not.

“Snails,” she sighed in an exasperated sigh, “again with the glue? You did this just last week!”

“Duhh, sorry Miss Cheerilee.” He drooled out the words adding an extra five e’s or so to the end of her name.

“But all four hooves? How did it get this far before you realised?”

“Ehh,” snips chimed in. “I thought I could get the glue off with more glue.” He was fantastically up-beat about the whole ordeal. Maybe he liked it when things like this happened.

“Ugh. Alright; let me try and clean some of this off you.”

The distraction was not particularly noteworthy, but it did provide Diamond Tiara with a catalyst for her day’s taunting.

“Psst. Sweetie Bell.” Diamond Tiara turned away from her fits on concealed giggling with Silver Spoon to look at the white filly, who had shown little interest in the scene and was still trying to fill in the last math problem from this morning.

Sweetie looked up, to see the class brat continue. “You ever get jealous that a pony whose special talent is being slow beat you to a cutie mark?”

Sweetie would have none of it. “I’m not falling for that, Diamond Tiara. You’re just a bully and I don’t have to listen to you.”

“Oooh. Getting defensive awful fast. Are you sure that’s all this is about?”

Sweetie looked confused. “Wh—What do you mean?”

The evil spun circles in the bully’s eyes. Exactly as planned. “I mean, it wouldn’t be that you have a crush on snails would it?”

She breathed in and blushed. “N—No! It’s not like that!”

“That red in your face says otherwise. Are you sure you’re not just looking for a simple stallion to settle down with?”

Apple Bloom had had enough of sitting through this. Diamond Tiara’s snide twists of words would be a constant, but her friend was in trouble now.

“DT, you shut it!”

“Apple Bloom!” Cheerilee exclaimed. “No fighting in my class. Especially not when I’m busy. Show some common courtesy.”

She slunk down at her desk. It wasn’t her fault her country accent had a tendency to carry across the room better than the norm. Her reproving seemed to at least draw Diamond Tiara’s interest away from the tender hearted Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom would prefer that, because she had tougher skin, and she wouldn’t let them get through to her.

She sat through an assortment of unfounded criticisms, without raising more than a whisper in return, because she knew Cherilee would be on to her. Silver Spoon kept telling her to speak up so they could hear, but she didn’t fall for it. Snails was finally cleaned up well enough. The colt had an amazing rate of hair growth at least. He would gain a bald spot from something every few days, but he still seemed to be free of them most of the time. The afternoon’s lesson was geography. The topic was the nearby Froggy Bottom Bog. Diamond Tiara had made her best effort to compare Apple Bloom to a swamp toad without the teacher overhearing. She was infuriatingly creative, using various pictures and gestures to enhance the metaphor.

Apple Bloom was losing to her ever growing wrath. As Cheerilee droned on, the clock appeared to slow down as a bonus.

She grunted out between her teeth. “Diamond Tiara. You better quit it, or you’ll be finding frogs in places you—”

“Apple Bloom! That’s twice. Don’t make me tell your sister about your antisocial behaviour.”

How could she tell?! Diamond Tiara could get away with anything, and no matter how quiet she was, Cheerilee would always hear her. Just don’t look Apple Bloom. Don’t look, and it won’t affect you.

She focused her eyes forward. Yes. Froggy Bottom Bog. Interesting. Her head rebelled against the clearly half-baked logic. Just ten more minutes.

A paper ball hit the side of her head. Oh, come on! How can you not see that!

She turned to see an almost elaborate comic of her in frog form kissing snails and becoming a princess. Alright. That’s it.

She pulled out a straw from under her desk and chewed some paper. While the pink hell spawn was laughing she lobbed the chunk of juicy paper right into her open mouth. The gag was satisfying, but when she looked back, a pair of cross, green eyes were staring back at her.

“Apple Bloom, I’ve had just about enough out of you for one day. You apologise to Diamond Tiara.”

The words built in her throat, but she couldn’t force them out. The gag reflex was too strong. Her teacher was still standing above her, waiting with distinct lack of patience.

There was only one thing she could do. And damn it, she’d be getting that ant farming cutie mark too. She had tried to listen; she really had. But things got here somehow, and she had to say something.

Applejack would be mad, and granny would probably try to wash her mouth out with soap, but in future, they wouldn’t have to know. There was really no other option.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara. Listen.”