Hit it with a (insert thing here)

by Scootalootrue

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random
Length: 4772

Anon hitting ponies with things.

Anon hitting ponies with things.

Published 2013-03-10 14:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-05 05:00:58 UTC

Shovel

listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipy1ZJQeUcs

Rainbow Dash had been very paranoid ever since Batman said he would get her next. What did he want with her? Why did he want to beat her and her friends? Everypony had been telling Dash to calm down and keep her head. Batman has been in every newspaper across Equestria and was bound to be caught before he could do any damage.

She was staying at Twilight's house until she could return from the hospital. She was there to keep the house since Spike refused to leave Twilight. There was a knock on the door. Rainbow froze in fear, wondering if this was the Anon.

"Rainbow, are you in there?" called Fluttershy from outside the door.

'Whew', thought Rainbow dash, 'I was worried for a second there.'

"Hey flutters! Boy am I glad to hear from you!" Rainbow said as she walked up to the door and opened it. She looked out to see not fluttershy, she was nowhere in sight, but the mask wearing Batman. A shovel Caught Rainbow Dash's jaw, knocking her backwards into the house. She was still conscious and was trying to get up, trying to escape the wrath of this ruthless Dark knight.

She was too slow getting up, allowing batman to rush up and give her another hit, this time on her back. Batman smashed both of her wings, crushing any dreams of flying away along with the bones in her wings. Dash screamed out in pain, still trying to crawl away. Batman stopped her short and continued pummeling her with the shovel until the metal head of the shovel broke off. Dash was still breathing and Batman could hear her friends coming to visit her. Batman rushed out of the house, leaving the shovel behind. There were no finger print tracers in Equestria, on account of their being no one else with fingers.

"HEY! IT'S THAT ANON!!" Yelled Applejack as her and Fluttershy walked up to visit their friend Rainbow Dash. When they saw Batman Applejack chased after him while Fluttershy went to check on Rainbow. Applejack followed Batman into a small alley and watched him dive behind a dumpster.

"Gotcha' now!" yelled Apple jack as she jumped behind the dumpster. There wasn't anything there.

"OH APPLESAUCE!!" Screamed Applejack in anger. She turned around to go help her friend, deciding that she wasn't going to catch him today.

Pillow

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting outside, wondering about what to do for the day. They had tried so many jobs it was amazing that they still had the stamina and the dedication to constantly try new jobs and activities. They were outside of the apple family farm, not in their tree house today. It was too nice out to stay inside.

"Maybe we could be cutie mark crusader vetirinarions!" Said Scootaloo excitedly.

"Or maybe clowns?" added Sweetie Bell.

"Maybe we could be-" Applebloom started before catching sight of Batman standing behind her friends.

"Oh no! It's Batman!!" cried Applebloom as she got up to run.

Batman was holding a pillow in his hands and swung it full-force towards applebloom. Although you would expect this to be a fun and soft experience it was anything but. It looked like a regular pillow, but the pillow case held many bricks. Let's just say that this wasn't a downy-soft sensation.

Applebloom was out-cold instantly, her small, filly body unable to handle the impact of so many bricks delivered courtesy of Batman. He turned towards her now-running friends and reached into the pillow case. He pulled out two bricks and threw them with perfect accuracy at the two ponies. They were both hit, scootaloo being the only one not to pass out instantly. Batman was hovering over Scootaloo in an instant, somehow closing the gap at what would be considered impossible speeds.

He began beating Scoot with the brick-pillow, causing blood to fly everywhere. Scoot was out cold but Batman kept up the beat-down.

"HEY!!! STOP!" called Big mac from the fields. He began to run after batman, which was, of course, futile. He walked back to the fillies to find that they were all miraculously alive. They were all rushed to the hospital for intensive care. As the ponies recovered all of Equestria began asking themselves the same question.

Who would Batman attack next?

Author's Note

I'm sorry everyone about the horribleness of this story.

Guitar

listen if you want to. (not necessary) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKhUvpqExh0

Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara were out on the town, looking for the CMC to terrorize.

"I still can't believe those losers don't have their cutie marks." chuckled Diamond Tiara as they walked.

"I know right? What dorks." replied Silver Spoon.

They both laughed at these unfunny comments and continued their search. They decided to look behind the Pens & Sofas shop. As they approached the store they heard heavy breathing, as if someone refused to breathe out of their nose. They ignored it at first but were displeased to realize that it was getting louder and closer.

"Hey, do you think you could breathe through your nose?" said Diamond Tiara angrily, turning to find out who this was she was getting angry at.

"WHERE IS SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????" Screamed Batman as he smacked Diamond Tiara with a large acoustic Guitar. Diamond flew into the air and landed a few feet away, crying and covered in blood. Silver spoon was frozen with fear at the sight of Batman holding an acoustic guitar in one hand and an electric guitar in the other. She tried to scream, but was too scared. Batman stared at her, kneeling down until he was only inches away from her face.

"Harvey Dent, can we trust him?" whispered Batman. Silver Spoon could smell Batman's breath. It smelled like rats. Rats and Pizza. And mountain Dew.

"I-I-I d-don't k-know..." Silver Spoon whispered back.

"JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Batman before slamming an electric guitar against the side of Silver Spoons head. She twisted with the force of the impact, leaving her side wide open for another attack. Batman took the opportunity and smashed the guitar downwards repeatedly, pummeling Silver Spoon into the earth. Batman wasn't a killer, though, and so he stopped before he killed this little filly. The electric guitar was now destroyed, so the Dark Knight dropped it onto the filly.

He walked away from the destroyed Silver Spoon and stood over Diamond Tiara.

"M-mercy.." Rasped Diamond.

"Your pleas are wasted on me." Said Batman as he broke the acoustic guitar on Diamond Tiara's body. He did this several times, smashing the guitar on her. He also dropped this now-useless guitar.

"I've got more in my utility belt." said Batman as he threw a smoke pellet onto the ground, causing an explosion of smoke to envelope the surrounding area. When the smoke cleared he was gone, leaving no trace other than two broken guitars and broken fillies.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading everyone!

VectorGameplay and platinumflames

Vector was enjoying his nice day at home, drinking an ice cold colt-a-cola and watching the newest Wonderbolt air show on demand. He was a large white stallion with a red-and-black mane and red eyes.

"Ugh..." said Vector, "Spitfire always beats soarin'."

There was a kncok on the door, so Vector rose up to answer it. As he approached the door he could hear heavy breathing, like someone had corks up their nose. Vector opened the door to see the mail-pony holding a small package.

"Special Delivery for you Vector. How are you today?" Said the Mail-pony. Her name Was Derpy hooves and she had a yellow mane with grey fur. For some strange reason her cutie-mark was bubbles.

"Oh, thanks Derps." Said Vector happily. Derpy was so nice that Vector was always glad to see her. Vector signed for his package and and took it from derpy. He placed it on the floor by his couch.

"Hey, derpy," said Vector, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Said Derpy.

"Why is your cutie-mark a picture of bubbles if you are a mail-pony?" asked Vector

"Oh, that's easy silly!" said Derpy, "Mail uses bubble wrap!"

That just blew Vector's world. He needed to ponder this later. Vector said goodbye to Derpy and closed the door, deciding to open his package. The package was about the size of an X-Box, and it being around the time of his birthday Vector hoped it was.

"I love X boxes!" said Vector out loud as he began to open the box

He ripped open the package with his teeth and peered inside. Instead of an Xbox a stick of butter smashed against his face, blinding him and causing him to fall back onto his haunches. Batman jumped out of the box holding a beam katana, his eyes were wide with justice. (yeah, I don't know either.)

"THEN YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Batman as he lunged at Vector with the beam katana. Batman was no killer, so he hit Vector with the back of the laser-blade. This burned Vector across his stomach, not piercing him. Vector cried out in pain, only getting out a few seconds of screaming before his mouth was filled with flowers. Batman punched him in the face with an iron glove, making Vector swallow the bouquet.

Batman pulled out a pixeled pickaxe from his utility belt and beat Vector with it, braking several of Vector's ribs in the process. Vector made several muffled screams, the flowers stuck in his throat preventing him from making any loud sounds.

"OHMYGOODNESSWHATAREWEGOINGTODO?ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A SUPER-HAPPY-FUNNY-AWESOMETASTIC PARTY?????!!" Yelled pinkie pie as she was pulled from Batman's utility belt. How he got her in there only Batman and Alfred know.

Batman swung her down at the injured pony, cracking Pinkies head against Vectors. After several smacks pinkie was out cold and had a broken jaw, blood dripping from her mouth onto the carpet. Vector was still conscious and was crying for mercy, but as we ALL know, Batman doesn't give mercy.

Batman dildo-slapped Vector across his face, leaving a red imprint of a large shaft and balls. Vector was fading out of consciousness now. Batman pulled out a police baton and pummeled Vector with it, breaking several more bones in Vector's body. It was done.

Batman ran out of the door, only to find himself in front of Vector's friend Platinumflames. Platinum was shocked at the sight of Batman, providing Batman with enough time to pull out a cake holding several candles. He smashed this surprisingly-hard cake into Platinum's face, causing Platinum to fly backwards into an un-manned apple stand. Batman ran up to finish the job, not giving any mercy. Platinum was beaten into dark, cold unconsciousness with that wedding cake.

Batman's work was done. He pressed a button on his wrist, calling the bat-mobile. His amazing car rolled up, allowing Batman to jump in and drive away into the sunset.

Author's Note

a stick of butter
Hope you guys enjoyed this!! remember it's only a joke, no offense intended!

a beam katana
Flowers (GTA:San Andreas teach me they are deadly)
Iron Gloves
Minecraft Pickaxe
Pinkie pie (yes, hit them with pinkie pie)
Dildos
those police's sticks i dont remember the name of them = Vector Games

cake pummel a pony with cake = Platinumflames.

Full Band

I love this song so listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR-0fAGdKpk

Octavia was walking home from a full day of instrumentation. She was tired and in a hurry to get home.It was a rainy night out tonight and she had forgotten her umbrella.

"Nice work Tavia." Said the grey pony to herself.

As she walked she heard heavy breathing behind her. It sounded like someone refused to blow their nose, deciding to breathe through their mouth instead. She tried to ignore it, but the breathing got closer. She was about to voice her grievances when she was interrupted.

"WHERE IS SHE?????????" Asked Batman in a scream.

Without giving Octavia time to answer Batman smacked her with a tuba, causing her to crumple to the floor. Batman hit her several more times, each time hitting her with a new tuba. He would throw them to the ground once he was done with them. A pile was slowly growing as Batman moved on through the brass section. He grabbed a trombone and was about to smash it into Octavia, before he caught sight of a large, idiotic starfish minding his own business down the road.

"Hold on." Said Batman to Octavia as he charged towards this pink starfish.

Batman grabbed the starfish's head and shoved it through the bell of the trombone until his head came out of the other side. Batman allowed him to go on with his walk. As the starfish walked away you could hear notes playing with each step.

"Now, where were we?" asked Batman to the injured pony.

Batman crushed this pony with an entire Brass section, wind section (flutes, Oboes, Saxophones, and clarinets), and he was just finishing up with the percussion section. He slammed a gong over Octavia's somehow-still-conscious body, causing a large metallic smash to ring through the town. Batman threw this gong into the now house-sized pile of dented instruments lying next the beaten pony. He finally pulled out a conductor from his utility belt. Swinging the fully conscious conductor over his head, Batman gave out a throaty battle-cry. He brought the stallion down onto the mare, knocking both ponies out cold.

Batman snickered to himself as he threw the conductor into the pile of instruments. He then pressed a bottun on his shoulder, causing his suit to grow wings and a jet-pack, allowing him to fly away into the moon set.

Author's Note

there yah go.

Giant Banana and Abnormally sized Cucumber

let's get to it!!

Celestia was sitting in her room in the royal castle, enjoying her evening the only way she knew how. Writing clopfics.

She had just finished the neutral milk hotel X Twilight Sparkle story, 'Oh Cumley' and was sitting back in her chair. It was good to be the princess. She was comfortable in her chair, relaxing from the daily stresses. She was so relaxed, in fact, that she didn't hear her balcony door open. She was too comfortable to move, the perfect target.

"FRUIT JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed the Dark Knight as he leapt towards the princess, wielding a large banana.

Batman shoved the Banana into Celestia's face, disabling her for a moment. Batman then reached for his abnormally large cucumber and pulled it from his belt. He swung it downwards, smacking the princess over the head with surprising force. She toppled out of her chair, attempting to cry out in pain but was choking on banana.

'Banana,' Thought the princess, 'you betrayed me!' Batman continued his relentless assault, pummeling Celestia with this cucumber. After a bit of pummeling he switched up his method, deciding to use it like a golf club rather than a hammer. This worked well, providing Batman with precision aim, which he used to focus on the princess' sensitive wings. He beat the princess into unconsciousness, quietly scowling to himself as he did this.

Once he was finished Batman stood still, listening for guards. None came, of course, due to Batman's excellent stealth training. He opened up the Balcony door, the dark knight looking out at the dark night. It was a paradox that Doctor Whooves couldn't solve. Batman stood on the balcony fence, balancing himself on the thin metal, until he jumped off. He used his cape as a makeshift glider, allowing him to float off into the distance. Off to clean up Equestria, one pony at a time.

Justice.

Author's Note

swagger

TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!!!

Derpy Hooves sauntered out of the mail office, tired after a long day of working the mail beat. (is it called the mail beat? if not, what the fuck is it called exactly? Fucking google it. I won't) She tiredly walked home in the dark of the rising moon, taking in the feeling of the warm night air. She was too tired to notice something creep up behind her, carrying several packages. (Even though this figure was breathing heavily, sounding like Rick Ross in a marathon, he was walking) The figure closed ground quickly and was soon right behind the beloved Derpy. Before Derpy could say muffin she was slammed over the head with a large and heavy package. Her head was forced into the ground, leaving a large indentation on the ground.

"WHERE'S HARVEY DENT?" said the dark figure, the one and only masked hero of the night. BATMAN.

Derpy was given no chance to respond before Batman grabbed her head and lifted her off the ground by her throat. He pulled out a large muffin from his utility belt and smashed it into Derpy's throat, choking her. She coughed and sputtered, trying to force the obstruction from her throat.

Batman then removed a large bottle with colorful writing all over it. He uncapped the bottle and lifted it into the moonlight, letting the choking Derpy read what was on the front. There was the word bubbles on the front of the bottle, Derpy's favorite two things were being used against her. Batman poured the bottle down her throat and let the muffin and bubble liquid fill up this beloved mail pony's throat.

Se tried to scream out, but the muffin-bubble combo kept the scream in her throat. She teared up as Batman began pounding a large UPPS (United Pony Postal Service) box into her face. Her nose was smashed and cracked, her teeth fell out of their sockets, blood poured from her eyes and nose and mouth until a large puddle of blood pooled on the floor beneath her.

Batman pulled a pencil from his utility belt and stabbed Derpy in the thigh, causing her to gasp in pain. The gasp sucked the food/bubble combo into her lungs, choking her. Batman wasn't a killer, so he threw her to the ground and elbow dropped her stomach. She instantly coughed up all of the combo, along with the contents of her stomach. Derpy fell into unconsciousness as Batman got to his feet. He gave her a couple more kicks to the ribs and face before pulling the bat shovel from his utility belt. Batman dug into the soft earth quickly, covering up the bat-hole he had just made as he entered the earth. Soon there was no trace of Batman, minus the half-dead Derpy on the ground next to some loose dirt. Other than that.

He was a ghost.

Author's Note

GUESS WHO'S BACK BACK BACK!!!!

sorry mai peeps, I've been extremely busy, but I will now begin posting at more regular intervals. I am also extending an offer to anyone who would like to speak with me, THE GREAT SCOOTER DOODLE. Post a comment on my page thingy and I will tell u how to reach me on cloudsdale or skype. I'M BACK BITCHES AND IT FEELS GOOD

Chair

listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HC6_YuM6oc

Twilight and her friends were enjoying a nice picnic in the park. It was a bright and sunny day outside and everyone seemed to be in a good mood.

"Oh, dear," said Rarity to Rainbow, "I just love what you've done with your hair today!"

"Thanks Rarity, but I just brushed it a bit longer today." replied Dash.

"The animals are in such a good mood today!" said Fluttershy, playing with some bunnies and birds.

"That's great! Who want's to eat? I'm starving!" said Spike, already reaching his hand in the basket.

"Okay spike, we'll eat now." chuckled Twilight.

Everything was going right today. Until Ithappened.

"JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Batman.

Batman was brandishing a large metal chair in his hands as he ran up from behind the nearest tree. Everypony watched as Batman smacked Twilight with the chair, causing blood to fly everywhere. Twilight cried out in pain, only to be quieted by the merciless beating of batman. Everypony was too surprised to move, all of Twilight's friends doing nothing but watching this unfold. Twilight's head had several large gashes in it along with her body.

Batman unfolded the metal chair and placed Twilight's head sideways on the chair. He backed up then ran into the chair, causing it to slam shut against Twilight's head as the chair fell. Twilight's face took most of the impact, but she didn't notice, already unconscious from the initial blows.

"HEY STOP THAT!!!" Yelled Rainbow Dash, the first one to snap out of her daze.
This masked man of bat looked at Rainbow and spoke.

"You're next!" He said as he ran back behind the tree.

The group followed him, all except Flutters and Spike who remained behind to help Twilight. Dash gave chase quickly, only to find that Batman had disappeared. The entire group was mystified at his strange appearance and even stranger disappearance.

From the hospital Twilight wrote a letter as soon as she woke. It was addressed to Celestia to warn everyone about the mysterious Batman. Twilight had a feeling he would return.

Author's Note

Randomness. that's all this is. this is the product of boredom and being tired of writing serious/sad fics.

Ahri Safari

Ahri Safari, a medium sized pony with a bright blue mane and red fur, was walking down the road. She was going to visit her friend Fluttershy to see if she would need some help watching her animals. It was a bright day outside and the sun was shining. Ahri felt like nothing could possibly go wrong today.

She was wrong.

Ahri was singing to herself.

"Singing in the rain.." Ahri sang. She was often complimented on her excellent voice.

"You wanted me. Here I am." Came a deep and raspy voice from behind Ahri.

Ahri turned to ask if this person needed a ricola, but was frozen with fear once she realized who it was behind him (I think Ahri's a he).

Batman was holding Ahri's friend Lyra Heartstrings in his hands. She was squirming and kicking, trying to get out of Batman's death-grip. Batman wasted no time getting to work, swinging Lyra over his head before bringing her down upon the shaking Ahri. Ahri squealed out in pain along with Lyra, both ponies being harmed in the process. Ahri was tough, though, and so kept her ground. She jumped out of the way of Batman's second attack, only to be struck by Batman's booted foot. Ahri flew back onto the ground, his head facing the sky. Batamn walked up, staring into Ahri's eyes from above him.

"JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Batman as he brought Lyra down upon her friend. Ahri squealed out in pain as everything went black. Batman beat Ahri with Lyra for five minutes before deciding that was enough. Both ponies were out cold, taking raspy breaths, with blood covering their bodies. Some of the blood was Ahri's, some was Lyra's.

Batman pulled out a grappling hook from his utility belt and aimed it into the empty sky. He shot it towards nothing, waiting for it to catch. Somehow, the grappling hook caught something off camera and was pulled taut. Batman pressed a bottun which caused the gun to pull at the rope, lifting Batman into the air.

He was a ghost

Author's Note

here you go, Ahri Safari. All for you.

Luna and bad cellphone plans

Luna was sitting on a bench in ponyville, enjoying the night that she had brought that night. She had brought out the full moon which added a glow over everything, not that she ever wanted to look at the moon again. It was cool and calm, the silence was deep and allowed Luna the luxury of self-observation. She was remembering how one of her subjects, Caramel, had approached her the other day asking to 'Go out', whatever that meant.

Luna was still mulling over the meaning to these words when she heard a sound from behind her. She turned to see the Dark Knight holding a large Nokia phone and a piece of paper.

"I BELIEVE IN THIS CITY!" Said the dark knight as he brought the small, yet unbreakable phone to the side of Luna's head.

She flew and landed a couple of feet away. Batman had closed the distance in a second and was beating Luna with the phone. He then placed the piece of paper against Luna's leg, sliding it quickly.

"PAPER CUT!" Yelled out the Dark Knight.

Luna cried out for assistance but nobody heard her. Batman gave her several more paper cuts before he reached into his utility belt and pulled out a baseball bat. He mercilessly beat Luna with the bat, causing the sound of bones breaking and the princess crying to echo throughout the empty town. He broke the bat over her body, tossing it away once he was done. Then, Batman reached for the piece of paper again, only this time pulling out a pen.

"SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE!!!!!" Yelled Batman, holding out the pen and paper to the princess. She was still somewhat conscious and did as he said.

"Now you have been given the ultimate punishment." said Batman before he jumped behind a tree, disappearing.

Luna was unsure of what he meant by that, but was in too much pain to wonder. Then, suddenly, the nokia phone Batman left behind rang. Luna answered it after a bit, wondering who it could be. An indionesian woman was on the other side of the phone. (is there even indonesia in Equestria?)

"Hello, Go packers!" said the woman, seeming to try and convince Luna she lived near her. "I have called to inform you that your new life-long contract with Vonage has been approved. Thank you for using Vonage."

Luna began to cry, realizing that her life was ruined.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Cried the princess into the night.

That night Luna banished herself to the moon to escape Vonage. Not like she got any worse reception on the moon than anywhere else.

She stayed there for eternity, always having Vonage. Forever.

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy with Reservoir Ponies. Shout out to VectorGames for giving me the phone idea.

Broad side of a barn

The apple family barn was enjoying itself on a nice, quiet night. (this is obviously an assumption because barns cannot feel emotion in any way shape or form).

The barn was minding it's own business when suddenly there was a dark, looming shadow upon it's broad side.

"Suck it bitch." Said the shadow as it cast forth a small mare.

The mare was none other than Colgate. She slammed against the barn with a sickening crack and cried out. She held her face with her hooves, bleeding from her now broken nose. Blood glistened on the barn's side and on the ground beside Colgate. Before she could move, Batman rushed forward and grabbed her by the ears. He lifted her off the ground as she kicked and cried out in pain.

Batman forced her forward, slamming her head into the barn. Colgate's horn snapped on the wall and was impaled into the barn. Batman pulled the horn from the barn and slices into the barn's side, leaving the bat symbol cut into the red barn. Next, he stuck the horn into Colgate's ear, letting the horn hold Colgate in place, leaving her in mid air. Batman then Mike tysonned her other ear, leaving her ear-less. Batman stepped back and admired his work, grinning as he watched the now-unconscious pony's blood flow down the side of the barn and pool onto the ground by under Colgate.

The Dark knight got down on all fours and crawled speedily away, making sure to leave no trace. but as he left he spoke three words...

"Fuck you Goreth....."

Author's Note

Hello my "fans" I have a question and a special event for you today!!!

The Question: Why do you like my stories? Please tell me in detail. (also, if u want add how much u like or hate me as a person.)

the event: If you've wanted to write your own chapter of this story, or if your request was never used, don't fret!! I am now asking for your help!! Write your own chapter of hit it with a (insert thing here), send it to me via message or as a comment on my page and I will publish it with you as the official author and chapter title!!