Monty Pony and the Holy Grail

by Rainbowrash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 7411

The classic tale of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, as told by ponies.

Equestria, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Stallions.
To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland.

In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, parasprites.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, parasprites.
In Mercia, and the two Anglias, parasprites, with a 50% chance of cutie pox
coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.

Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.
A pony with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.
This pony was Twilight Sparkle, King of the Britons, for this was Equestria!

Based off of Monty Python and the Holy Grail (duh) and My Little Pony (doubleduh)

Just so you all know, this story is pretty heavy on copy pasty. This is because I want to get into writing fanfiction, but haven't written stories not involving ponies in about ever, so this is mainly a random topic I chose to practice with. I will redo it with no copy pasty after this one.

Published 2012-02-04 19:46:41 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-11 02:23:58 UTC

The Quest for the Court of Canterlot

It was a foggy night in Equestria, and it was quiet as well. Well, a little quiet. One could easily hear the hoovesteps of what seemed to be two ponies trotting in the darkness towards the nearby castle. Once visible, though, the hoovesteps actually belonged to a pony and a dragon. The pony was purple sporting a crown, chain mail, and sheath of a sword on her side. The dragon was purple with green scales, carrying a large backpack with many random items in it. He seemed to be struggling a bit, but still looked optimistic. He was also banging two coconuts together to a beat that seemed like a ponies hoovesteps.

The two trotted (or skipped while banging coconuts) up to the castle, and another pony popped his head from the castle walls and shouted, "Halt! Who goes there?"

The pony replied, "It is I, Twilight Sparkle, student of Celestia, from Canterlot. Queen of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all of Equestria!"

"And the other?"

"He is my trusty dragon-servant Spike. We have traveled the length and width of the land in order to find knights to join me in my court of Canterlot. I need to speak to your lord and master at once!"

"And why does the dragon have coconuts?"

This time Spike spoke up. "It makes me sound like I am riding a horse."

The guard continued, "Why don't you ride on her?"

"Because that would be weird, and because I'm only with her to carry this stuff anyway."

"Fair enough, but where did you get the coconuts?"

"I don't know, found them on the ground."

"You what? You couldn't have!"

Twilight spoke up. "Why?"

"Because a coconut is tropical!"

"And that means..."

"This is a temperate zone! Coconuts don't grow here!"

Twilight continued on her side of the argument. "Phoenixes may fly south with the sun and the Pegasai may migrate to warmer climates in the winter, yet these are not strangers to your land?"

There was a brief pause, and the guards-pony spoke up again. "Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

"No, but they could be carried."

"What? A phoenix carrying a coconut? Why that would be the most outrageous thing!"

"Maybe it got stuck on their claws when they were flying and it just so happened to fall off here?"

"Most of the time the phoenix would die on the way, burn up, and get reborn! It wouldn't be stuck then!"

"Well, it doesn't matter. May I speak to your master?"

Another guard came onto the wall. "Well, you have to remember that phoenixes don't have talons."

Twilight pleaded one last time. "Please?"

After thinking a little, the first guard spoke up. "Well, you are right, but what if the coconut got caught on his beak?"

The other guard replied, "Well then it wouldn't get to eat and would die on the migration."

At this, Twilight and Spike both trotted away while hearing the rest of their argument that they have started.

"Well, yeah, it would die. But what if two phoenixes carried one?"

"That's preposterous, two phoenixes would never do that."

"But what if they were tied together by a string, with the coconut in the middle?"

"Well, that is unlikely to happen, but if it did, it may work."

"Maybe some zebra tied them on there so a coconut could get here and we could see what they are?"

At that, Twilight and Spike were out of hearing distance.

"Bring out your dead!"

In a small village, three ponies were moving a cart full of dead ponies. One was pushing it, one was helping load bodies other ponies brought out, and the other was hitting a bell between each time he calls "Bring out your dead!"

One elderly unicorn walked up to the person with the bell, floating a pony besides him. He said, "Here's one."

The floating pony pleaded a bit in a small voice, "But I'm not dead."

The pony with the bell said to him, "What was that?"

The unicorn quickly said, "Nothing."

The floating pony said again, "But I'm not dead!"

"He said he isn't dead, sir."

"I'm not!!"

"Well he will be soon enough. He is uhhh... sick. Yeah, he's sick."

"But I'm getting better,"

"No, you'll be stone dead very soon. Can you just stay here with the cart a bit?"

"I'm sorry sir, but it is against our regulations to take ponies who are not dead."

The 'dead' pony spoke up again, smiling. "Actually, I think I may go for a trot."

The unicorn gave up. "Well, when are you coming for your next visit?"

"We will be coming back on Thursday."

"OK, he'll be dead by then. See you Thursday."

Twilight continued on her quest to find her Court of Canterlot, when she saw a nearby castle, and she and Spike decided to go to the castle in search of anyone worthy of the honor. The two were at a nearby settlement and they spotted an old mare bringing a cart towards the castle. Twilight spoke up. "Old Mare!"

"Stallion!"

"Old Stallion, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?"

"I'm 37!"

"What?"

"I'm 37, I'm not an old Stallion!"

"Well I can't just call you 'stallion.'"

"Well, you could call me Doctor Whooves!"

"Well didn't know you were called Whooves?"

"Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?"

"I did say sorry about calling you an old mare, but from the behind you looked--"

"What I am objecting to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!"

"Well, I AM Queen..."

"Oh queen, eh, very nice. And how did you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers -- by angering on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--"

An old mare approached the two arguing ponies and said, "Whooves, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how do you do, ma'am?

"How do you do, good mare. I am Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons. Who's castle is that?"

"Queen of the who?"

"The Britons."

"Who are the Britons?"

"Well, we all are. we're all Britons, and I am your queen."

"I didn't know we had a queen. I thought we were an autonomous collective."

Whooves spoke up again. "You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--"

The old mare rolled her eyes. "Oh there you go, bringing class into it again."

"That's what it's all about if only people would--"

Twilight interrupted him. "Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?"

The old mare replied, "No one live there."

"Then who is your lord?"

"We don't have a lord."

Twilight was astounded. "What?"

Whooves spoke up. "I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week."

Twilight was baffled. "What?"

"But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting."

"...WHAT?"

"By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--"

"Oh, shut up!"

"--but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--"

"Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!"

"Order, eh -- who does he think she is?"

"I am your queen!"

"Well, I didn't vote for you."

"You don't vote for queen."

The old mare, who gave up on understanding a while ago, suddenly spoke up. "Well, how did you become queen then?"

"The Mare of the Lake, her forelegs clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Twilight Sparkle, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your queen!"

Whooves laughed a bit and replied, "Listen -- strange mares lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened slut had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!"

Twilight, giving a sigh of defeat, began to trot away. "Come spike, let's leave this bloody peasant!" Spike quickly obeyed, having no clue what had just happened, and coconut-trotted away with her.

In the woods, two knights were having a one on one battle. One was a unicorn with black knight armour, holding a great sword with his magic, playing it defensive, while blocking all the attacks from another knight, who was also a unicorn, but seemed to be younger, who had green knight armor and another great sword. He was incessantly bashing at the black knight, who was blocking all of his blows without any problem. The green knight brought his sword up high and brought it down with all his force, but the black knight blocked it with his own, while pulling of a 180, and bucked the other, who went flying. The black knight then got back in a good battle stance, and when he looked back at the other was charging him with his sword above his head. The black knight used his magic to launch his sword directly at the young knight's face, who fell to the ground, stone dead.

Twilight and Spike then came from out of the woods, where they eavesdropped on the fight that had just occurred. The black knight, after removing his sword from the other's head, was standing in a guard-like position in front of a bridge. Twilight trotted up to him and said, "You fight with the strength of many guards, sir knight." He didn't respond. "I am Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons." Still nothing. "I am searching for the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Canterlot." Still quiet. "You have proven yourself worthy. Will you join me?" The knight didn't even move a muscle.

Twilight sported a face of disappointment. "You make me sad. Come, Spike." The two began to walk past the knight."

"None shall pass."

Twilight was caught off-guard by him speaking. "What?"

"None shall pass."

"I have no quarrel with you, Sir Knight, but I need to pass this bridge."

"Then you shall die."

"I command you as the Queen of the Britons to move aside!"

"I move for no pony."

"So be it!" Twilight unsheathed Excalibur from her side, and the black knight lifted his great sword in a defensive position. The black knight started things off by making an attack going straight down, which Twilight easily dodged by sidestepping. The knight quickly was ready again and made another attempt at hitting her by swinging his sword from left to right, which Twilight ducked under and the cut off the knight's horn. His horn fell to the ground, and his sword flew from the momentum it had before he lost grip of it, and it flew out of sight.

Twilight sheathed her sword, and said, "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."

"What? It's just a scratch!" His voice became significantly less deep for some reason.

"A scratch? I cut your horn off!"

"I've suffered worse."

"Liar!"

"Now bring it on, you pansy!"

Twilight wasn't ready for what came next. The knight came barreling at her, and she flew back a couple feet, but got up before he charged her again, and unsheathed Excalibur again, and when he came, she cut his left foreleg off. He fell to the ground, but when he got back up, which was not expected, he lashed at her with his remaining foreleg, and Twilight removed that from his body, too.

Twilight held a stance that made her look triumphant. "Victory is mine!" She then knelt to the ground and started praying. "We thank thee Celestia, for thy mercy--" Twilight was interrupted by the knight, who flung himself onto Twilight with his remaining two legs. he then got up and stood an those remaining legs.

"Come on, then! Give me your worst!"

"You don't have a horn or your forelegs!"

"Yes I do."

"Look! You do not!"

"It's only a flesh wound."

Twilight rolled her eyes, and when the knight charged him again, she cut his right hind-leg off, but he somehow continued to stay upright. He replied to this by jumping into Twilight for some reason.

"Will you cut that out?" Twilight yelled in annoyance.

"Never!"

The knight continued to jump on her.

"What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony!"

"The black knight always triumphs!"

Twilight, in an extremely pissed off mood, used her sword to remove his last limb, and he sat on the ground like a nugget.

"Alright, we'll call it a draw. Come, Spike!" Spike ran out from behind a tree, saluted in a way, and followed her with his coconut trot.

"No, come back here, you cowards! I'll bite your legs off, you fillies!"

"It's a witch! A witch! We've got a witch!"

A huge crowd of ponies were all rioting, shouting things involving some kind of witch that they had captured. They were all rioting towards the knight Applejack the Honest, the knight of their castle. She was normally consulted to with any situation, and always gave fair (or at least, to them) judgements. When the crowd got near Applejack, she shushed them all by saying "Quiet down!" a couple times. Soon, they were all quiet, she spoke up again. "So, you say you found a witch?"

One of the members of the hoard piped up, "He's a witch!" After that, the crowd roared off again with cries about witches.

A unicorn stallion, with his hooves tied together around a pole, spoke up in whinny voice saying, "But I'm a stallion!"

Applejack continued on her questioning. "He has a point. Are there male witches?"

The stallion who was constantly rallying up the crowd spoke up. "Well, there must be, because he's a witch!" The crowd continued there signature screams about the witch when Applejack shushed them again. "Well, how do you know he is a witch?"

"Well, he can do magic!"

The unicorn being called a witch spoke up again. "Well, of coarse! All unicorns can perform magic!"

Applejack gave the leader of the crowd a questioning look. "He has a point."

"Well, he can do magic, yes. But he does more!"

"Like..."

"Like... he turned me into a parasprite!" Everypony stared at the stallion, who was clearly not a parasprite. "Well, I got better..."

"Well, I know a way we can settle this. What do we do with witches?"

The leaser of the crowd excitingly replied, "We BURN 'EM!" The crowd went wild.

Applejack quickly shut them up and asked another question. "Well, what do we burn apart from witches?"

The leader of the crowd screamed, "MORE WITCHES!" The crowd took the cue and shouted. Applejack, once again, shut their traps haltingly.

One pony in the crowd shouted, "Wood."

Applejack looked pleased. "Precisely! Then how can we tell if she is made out of wood?"

The whole crowd looked confused. One managed to guess an answer. "We build a bridge out of her?"

Applejack replied, "Well, can you not also build a bridge out of stone?" The crowd all nodded in agreement. Applejack continued, "Does wood not float?"

One of them replied, "Yeah, it does!"

"And what else floats?"

The crowd went crazy with answers. "Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Cherries!"

"Books!"

"The Elements of Harmony!"

"A duck!"

The crowd all stared towards the owner of the voice that said duck, and figured out that the owner was none other than Twilight herself.

Applejack said, "Yes! So logically, --"

A member of the crowd cut him off, "If he weighs the same as a duck, she is made of wood, so..."

"A WITCH!" The crowd went crazy.

Applejack clopped the ground in delight, and smiled. "Well then, we shall use my large scales!" The crowd followed Applejack to her scales, where they put a duck on one side and the 'witch' on the other. "Remove the supports!" The supports under each of the platforms were removed, and they were free, and they weighed equally. The crowd went into the craziest riot yet, and they rushed to pick up the witch and burn him, and he said before he was taken,

"That's a fair call."

The crowd took him away, and when they were gone, Applejack trotted up to Twilight and asked, "Who are you, being so smart in the way of science?"

"I am Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons."

Spike quietly murmured, "I think I've heard that a bit much today."

Applejack quickly knelt to the ground. "My Queen!"

"Would you come with me to join us at the round stable?"

"Yes, my queen!"

"What is your name?"

"Applejack the Honest."

"Then I dub thee Applejack, Knight of the Round Stable."

The honest knight Applejack was the first to join Queen Twilight's knights, and more interesting ponies were to follow: Rainbowdash the Loyal; Rarity the Generous; and Fluttershy the Kind, Who nearly killed the Cockartice of Bristol, and personally wet herself at the battle of Stalliongrad; and the aptly named, Mare that broke the fourth wall. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Stable.

This is Your Purpose, Twilight

"And that, my Queen, is how we know the earth to be apple-shaped."

Twilight nodded to Applejack. "This new learning amazes me, Applejack. Explain again how a diamond dog's bladder can be used to prevent earthquakes."

"Oh certainly, my Queen!"

The knights of the round stable were finishing their long trot back to Canterlot, where they would sleep and set up their homes. Their was Twilight, all four of the knights, and a dragon servant for each of them, holding their belongings. Applejack had been teaching Twilight all of his interesting 'facts' the whole time, which confused all of the other knights greatly, who started searching desperately for something to shut them up. Suddenly, Rainbowdash saw the thing she was looking for. She pointed her hooves at a castle and shouted, "Look, my Queen!"

Twilight looked on. "Canterlot!"

Applejack looked up. "Canterlot!"

Fluttershy looked up. "Canterlot."

Spike whispered to Twilight, "It's only a model."

Twilight shushed her quickly. "Knights, I bid the welcome to your new home. Lets trot. To Canterlot! Wow, that rhymed."

Five ponies were standing in front of the gate to Canterlot, singing;

We're the Knights of the Round Stable
We dance whenever we are able!
We love routines, and tolerate scenes,
You can't watch us on cable!
We dine well here in Canterlot,
We eat oats and hay and oats a lot!

Suddenly, four knights jumped on top of a table and started tap-dancing, throwing all of the food all over the place and kicking random ponies to the ground. The ponies at the gate continued singing;

We're the Knights of the Round Stable
Our show. Is impec-able!
Though many times we are given lines,
that don't quite seem able.
We're not so fat in Canterlot,
People of all ages watch our show a lot!

The knights continued their dance, destroying all the food that was on the table. Even the prisoners were moving to the beat while hung up by chains. They continues singing;

Oh we're cute and able!
Quite indefatigable!
Between our quests we do our best
We're made on a writing table!
It's a bit too loud in Canterlot;

I have to push the Pram a lo-ooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ot!"

Twilight awoke from her quick daydream and quickly said, "On second thought, lets not go to Canterlot, for it is a silly place." All the knights nodded in agreement and they trotted away promptly.

The Knights of the Round Stable continued on their trek with no actual destination, since they decided against going to Canterlot. They trotted all over the place, including going through woods, towns, and open field. At one point, they were in the open field and a cloud in the sky opened up, revealing a lot of light, and a pink pony popped out of the opening in the cloud and said, "Hey guys! Oh, why are you all dressed like knights. Are you on a journey. OOOOHHHH, a journey! Can I come? Who knows, maybe we can have a PARTY! And then we could eat cake! And then we could-"

"Pinky, what are you doing?" Twilight spoke up.

"Oh. I saw you guys on the ground and was like 'what!?!' and then I broke the fourth wall which was like 'whoosh' and then I opened up this cloud which was like 'boom' and now I'm here talking to you!"

Twilight facehooved and said, "Well when we started the story, we asked if you wanted to join, and you said no, because you were messing around with the fourth wall, so at the very start we said that you will not be with us."

"Well how about I join now?"

"No, Pinky, we started already."

"Well did you ask the author?"

"The who? No, you can't join. It's too late."

"Okey-Kokey-Lokey then! I'll start a party elsewhere! Bye!"

Then as quickly as the cloud opened, it closed, and then reopened, and Celestia appeared in the cloud this time. Once she appeared, she said in a majestic, echoing voice, "Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons, I have a sacred- why does this bright light not make you avert your eyes?"

Fluttershy said, "Um, because, your majesty, the we were already looking at it."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Pinkie?"

Twilight nodded. "Yep."

Celestia facehooved and continued talking in her more majestic, echoing voice, "Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons, I have a sacred task for you." Suddenly, Celestia disappeared and her image was replaced by that of a golden chalice with many multi colored gems on it. "This, Twilight, is the Holy Grail. Look well, Twilight, for it is your sacred duty to find this. It is your duty, the Quest for the Holy Grail!"

Celestia then disappeared, the light dimmed down, and the clouds closed. The band quickly started talking,

"A quest!"

"From the lord!"

"Gods be praised!"

As they all talked in excitement, Celestia was about to relax when Pinky appeared. "Hi Princess! How's it going! I'm Pinky Pie and, oh wait, you know my name, silly me! Well hows it going! What did you just do? Did you just send them on a quest? That's so cool! I wish I was there! We could all be on the adventure together and be like 'whoosh' and then we could dance like 'weee' and-"

"Pinky," Celestia said quietly, "You do notice the grail does not exist."

Pinky looked perplexed and looked at Celestia, "Then why would you send them... OOOOHHHHHH!" Celestia put on a malicious face. Pinky said, "Your such a troll, Celestia!"

"That's Trollestia to you."

The band decided that they needed rest for the night, and wanted to see if they could gain entrance to a nearby castle for the night. The ponies and dragons trotted to the nearest one and stood at the bottom of the castle, and Twilight screamed, "Hello? Anypony their?"

A pony wearing a rounded helmet appeared on the top of the castle. "Hallo. Who is zis?"

"It is I, Twilight Sparkle, Queen of the Britons, and my Knights of the Round Stable. Who's castle is this?"

"This is the castle of our master Laura de la lu Faust."

"Well tell her that we have been charged by Celestia on a sacred quest. If you are willing to give us shelter for the night you would be allowed to accompany us in our quest for the Holy Grail."

"Sure, I will ask him, but he already has one, you see."

"Are you sure you got one?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure." The guard lowered himself and whispered to his guards, "I said we already got one." Chuckling followed.

Twilight asked, "Well, could we come up and have a look?"

"Well of coarse not, you silly Ponyvillian types!"

"Well then what are you?"

"I am Prench. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?"

Applejack asked, "Who are the Prench?"

"You've never heard of the Prench? We are a group of people who come from Prance."

Spike rolled his eyes. "If there is another stupid pun like that..."

Twilight interrupted. "Well then what are you doing here in Equestria?"

"I don't know, ask the author!"

"Who? Oh, never mind that. If you don't show us the grail we will take your castle by force!"

"You don't frighten me, you Ponyvillian diamond dogs. Go and boil you bottoms, you sons of a mare dog! I blow my snout at you, so called Twilight-Queen, you and all your Ponyvillian hoodlums!" He then made an awkward spitting sound while holding both of his hooves to his head.

Rarity commented, "Oh, these ponies are SO disgraceful! They are just SO disturbing and inpony-mane! Such ruffians!"

Twilight shouted, "Now, you Prench, look here-."

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed dragon food! Stop whining, you white-coated cow dung! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a Hydra, and your father smelled of zap apple cider!"

Applejack asked, "Is there anyone else we can talk to?"

The guard continued, "I recommend that you leave now before I'm forced to taunt you a second time-a!"

Twilight continued, "Now I have been more than reasonable about this..."

The Prench soldier disappeared for a second and screamed to the other Prench guards, "Fetchez la vache."

One replied, "What?"

"Fetchez la vache!"

Twilight was confused, but was still trying to persuade him. "If you do not list- Holy crap!"

Suddenly, a cow was mid air towards their position. Before they could react, it landed on on of the dragons holding one of the knight's bardings. Twilight screamed, "Al righty then! Charge!" The knights charged towards the castle and began slicing up the wall in a futile attempt to destroy it, and the dragon servants retreated. Once at the wall, the Prench guards hurtled all kinds of animals down at them, like rabbits, chicken, and so on. Fluttershy attempted to care for all of them, in which she quickly helped out the ones who were to hurt to get back up. After a while, Twilight screamed, "Run away!" Once the word was said, they all retreated except Fluttershy who was caring for some animals. Rainbowdash quickly got her out of there. Once they retreated, they met up with their dragons behind a hill.

Twilight asked, "What do we do now?"

Applejack replied, "I have a plan, ma'am."

The Prench guard from earlier stayed sentry up on top of the castle. He was looking around to see if the Ponyvillians try to counterattack. He was just about to walk inside when,

Boing!

The guard flinched. He began to look around frantically for the sound.

VVrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

He looked everywhere for the sound, but saw nothing. He then started to hit himself on the head and walked away when...

rumble... rumble... SQUEAK!

He saw it. A giant wooden donkey was being pushed towards their castle. It was poorly made, but the guard's eyes lit up at it as if it was an amazing work of art. The donkey was pushed up to the front gate of the castle, and some ponies ran away from it. The guard wanted the donkey for reasons that I am not allowed to tell you since it will spoil the next scene for you (even though you most likely saw the movie before since you are reading this and got this far).

The front gate opened and three Prench helmets appeared, and then their bodies and tails. They all got to the donkey and pulled it into the castle and closed the gates. Not to far off, our heroes were watching their plan unveil.

Twilight asked Applejack, "OK, the donkey is in. Now what?"

She replied, "Well now we wait until night time and when everyone is asleep, we will jump out of the donkey and catch them all by surprise."

"Well who is going to jump out?"

"Well, it would be me, Rainbowdash, Rarity, and , oh..." Following these words was an applause of facehooves. "Well, if we could make a wooden alicorn..."

A loud crack was made from near the castle, and the wooden donkey was flying right for them. Twilight screamed, "RUN!" The 'brave' band of knights all ran in random directions, but one of the dragon servants was staring at the donkey like a deer staring into the lights of a car. He was pondering what it was.

And then it hit him. (That was literal, not figurative)

The donkey squashed the servant flat, and the others just stared at him. The knights had a moment of silence, ignoring the Prench cheering and taunting.

An old pony was standing in front of a camera, and another pony put an action sign in front of it that read 'Movies for school take 8.' He closed the cutter and the director screamed "Action!"

The old pony spoke. "Defeat at the Prench castle had utterly disheartened Twilight. The ferocity of the Prench taunting had taken him completely by surprise! Twilight consulted her closest knight and decided that they should split up on their search for the grail if they wanted the quest to end up successful. So the first thing that-" The sword that was flung out of the black knight's magical grasp had then found its home in the old pony's chest.

An old mare ran up to the dead pony screaming, "Carrot Cake! No!"

Author's note - Please leave any comments, constructive criticism, or so on under this. This is my first story and would like to know everything I am doing wrong or need to improve on. Good night and thanks for all the ponies.

The Tale of Rarity

So the knight each went their separate ways. Rarity trotted north, through the Everfree Forest, accompanied by her favorite minstrel band, Three Dragon Night. They were singing,

"Bravely bold Miss Rarity, rode forth from Canterlot.
She was not afraid to die, oh brave Miss Rarity.
She was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Miss Rarity!"

"She was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have her eyes gouged out, and her forehooves broken.
To have her kneecaps split, and her body burned away,
And her limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Miss Rarity!"

"Her head smashed in and her heart cut out,
And her liver removed and her bowels unplugged,
And her nostrils ripped and her flank burned off,
And her penis split and her--"

"Whoa, whoa! Stop it RIGHT THERE! I'M AM NOT A STALLION YOU IDIOTS!" The three dragons looked at each other, shrugged, and continued.

"And her nostrils ripped and her flank burned off,
And her ovaries split and her--"

"Okay, lads, just stop singing now. Also, is that even possible?"

One of the dragons replied, "I don't know, ask the author."

"The who?"

The group continued on their trot. They were passing by tree after tree, but after a while some dead ponies began to show up. On one tree there were three ponies all impaled by one javelin. There were also some just dangling in trees. They continued their conversation. Rarity asked, "What do you think about a phoenix taking some coconuts from--"

"STOP! WHO GOES THERE?"

Their was a loud voice that was shouted, and the travelers then noticed they walked straight into a three-headed pony. One of the heads was orange with a purple mane, one was a tan with a red mane, and the other was white with a mane consisting of pink and light purple. A VERY familiar pink and purple. Rarity asked, "Sweetie Bell, just WHAT do you think you are doing?"

The three replied in unison, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER THREE-HEADED GUARD PONY!"

Rarity just shook her head. Well, now, Sweetie Bell. This is just not right. Three headed pony? Where did you get that idea?"

The body itself just shrugged. Rarity continued. "Well how did you even do it?"

Applebloom (the tan one with a red mane) said, "We all just went an' asked Zecora if she could wip up brew, and she did. Pretty simple."

Rarity didn't believe her. "And what makes you think she did that for you? Zecora would never have done anything that could harm you."

Scootaloo (the orange one with a purple mane) said, "Well, we may have borrowed Zecora's stuff and we just may have not asked and we just may have stole some books on it and did it." She looked down in shame, and the others followed suit. Rarity rolled her eyes.

She said, "Well, you better get yourself fixed up soon. I am on a quest, you see, and I need to continue it, not look after you. So lets start making a trot towards Zecora's and get you all fixed up." A simultaneous "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" was to follow. Soon they trotted towards Zecora's (which was not far off) and she made a brew that fixed them back into seperate ponies again.

Once Rarity thanked Zecora and left, she was about to say farewell when they decided to ask Rarity at the same time, "CAN WE BE CUTIE MARK CRUSADER QUEST ASSISTERS!?!?" Rarity rolled her eyes.

"No, you can not. How about you go home and do whatever it is that you crusaders do."

The three bowed their heads down and began to walk towards Ponyville. Rarity seemed content with herself and began trotting, and the dragons followed. They may have gotten a couple inches before they all came back and continued pleading to go with. Rarity screamed and began to gallop faster and faster. The dragons followed, singing,

Brave Rarity ran away!
Bravely ran away away!

Rarity screamed even more at her dragons while running.

The Tale of Fluttershy

Rarity was able to escape the evil of the frantic fillies chasing her down. She continued her search with not as much excitement in it until all the knights meet up again, which will be later. But until then we will tell you about the tale of another knight. Fluttershy.

The Tale of Miss Fluttershy

Fluttershy was rushing around, trying to escape the horrors of the Everfree Forest. She was being hunted by bears, cockatrice, timberwolves, and other animals that we are not able to determine do to poor author detail. She was crawling on the ground through some tree roots to escape them when she saw something amazing. A castle. And above it was what seemed to be the Holy Grail. She swore she could hear angels singing. She rushed over to the door and attempted to pound on the door. She was hitting it, but not hard enough. She quietly hit her hooves against the door saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, who ever is in here, but can you, if it's okay, of coarse, can you open the door?"

On the inside,some lonely stallions were walking about, and one passed by the door. He swore there was something lightly hitting on it, and he thought her heard a voice saying, "Will you please open the door?" He obeyed and opened it to see an injured pegasus fall into the castle. He quickly brought her in and closed the door. The pegasus got up quickly and said, "Why, thank you so, so much, sir. I was stuck in the forest, and there were some scary creatures chasing me, and I found your castle and saw the grail, just, thank you!"

The stallion heard this story many times before, but this was the first time it was said by a mare. He had never seen a mare in a very long time, so he was astounded by her. He asked her, "What's your name?"

She replied very quietly, "I'm Fluttershy."

The stallion couldn't suppress a giggle from her name. He put his hoof out and said, "Well, my name is Bill. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax. Yes, it is an awkward name, but just ignore it." He was being very outgoing, and Fluttershy backed away a bit. "Is something wrong?"

Fluttershy said, "Well, sorry to bother you, but I am searching for an item called the Holy Grail, and I believe that I saw it in here, so I was wondering if I could, um, please have it?" She put on her puppy dog eyes, which suddenly seemed to become bigger and shine brightly. Bill looked at her awkwardly.

"We don't have a Holy Grail. We have a torch that is always lit at the top, but that's about it. Now come in, we need to treat you. You are most likely sick from being in the forest and a good nice sleep is always something nice."

Fluttershy said, "Well, its so kind of you to offer, but I need to continue my quest. If I wasn't busy I would stay, but, um, I have other plans..."

"Nonsense! You are tired and must rest. Come!" The stallion began walking away, and Fluttershy didn't move. He rolled his eyes and yelled, "Bob! John!"

Automatically two stallions came crashing into the room. There eyes went wide as soon as they saw the tired pegasus. Bill said, "Help me escort our guest to the guest room. We need to care for her immediately." The two nodded and ran over to Fluttershy, picked her up on their backs, and began trotting from where they had came from. They brought her into a bedroom, left her on the bed, and left. Bill walked over to her and said, "You need to rest now. I will get our doctors to care for you immediately." With that he left. After a little wait, three ponies, including Bill, came back.

The two new ponies were unicorns, and one trotted up to her and removed Fluttershy's helmet and examined her face. The other began taking off some of her armor that was best left not touchd. She asked, "Um, excuse me, sir, but is that needed?"

Bill said, "Well, yes. They are doctors. They need to examine you."

"But, I'm fine down 'there,' you don't need to check it."

Bill rolled his eyes. "Yes, but we need to. just let them do what they need to."

Quickly, Fluttershy bucked him in the face and got off of the bed. "No! There is no need to torture me! I'm off now!" With that she trotted quickly out the door where she was met by even more stallions, who looked at her in amazement. They all automatically started greeting her and began walking towards her. Fluttershy looked at all of them and thought to herself well I guess I could stay a little... Fluttershy began trotting towards them to greet them when Rainbowdash bursted through the crowd with two royal guads (unicorns) and defended Fluttershy. Fluttershy said, "Hey Rainbow. Just so you know, I, um, can handle this on my own. You guys can continue your quest elsewhere..."

"Nonesense!" Rainbow shouted. "You were in great peril!"

"Um, no i wasn't."

"Yes you were! Now lets get out of here!" Rainbow and the guards pushed Fluttershy away while blocking the stallions from getting her until they got to the front gate, which Rainbow slammed shut from the outside when they got there. They then got Fluttershy out of the mess and went back into the forest.

The Knights Who Say, "Neigh!"

Miss Rainbowdash had saved Miss Fluttershy from certain temptation, but they were no closer to the grail then before. Meanwhile, Twilight, Spike, and Applejack have found a clue to searching for the Holy Grail.

Twilight, Spike, and Applejack were all sitting together at a makeshift house, and they were talking to an old stallion who's mane was in a horrible mess. Whenever he talked (or laughed) one could see that he was missing many teeth but also had a golden tooth. They were having a conversation about a possible lead on their quest for the grail. All the old stallion was doing was laughing like a complete maniac. Twilight asked, "So this enchanter you speak of, he knows where the grail is?"

"Hehehehehahahahahehehehaha!" He noded.

"Where does he live, old stallion?"

"He knows of a cave, of which no pony has entered!"

"And the grail is there?"

"Very much danger! Beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Chaos, of which no man has entered!"

"But the Grail? Where is it?"

"You seek the bridge of death!"

"The bridge of death, which leads to the Grail?"

"Hhehehehehehahehahaehaheaheaheahahaehaehaheahehehaehaheha!" He nodded again.

Twilight, Spike, and Applejack continued their trot towards the enchanter. To get there, they had to go through a section of the Everfree forest. Though most places in the Everfree forest are considered deadly, this section was considered haunted, for the dreaded Knights who say Neigh. No pony has ever heard the word 'neigh' and able to tell the tale, but the word 'neigh' was somehow known by others anyway. I could explain how this becomes a paradox, but we have a scene to get to.

So, as we were saying, Twilight, Spike, and Applejack continued on their quest. The trees of the forest created a lot darkness, even in the light of day. On their way, Twilight swore she could see different figures hiding throughout the trees, watching their every move. She began to speed her trot. The others followed. She sped her trot to a gallop, which was about to turn onto the next stage of pony speed when they ran into a tall pony, sporting a helmet with horns on it. He had a black coat and his mane was covered up from all of his armor. The three stopped in front of him and he said,

"Neigh!"

The knights cringed back from this verbal attack. They all backed up slowly, when more and more ponies, with the same armor but not as tall, popped out of the forest saying, "Neigh! Neigh!"

Twilight spoke up while trying to cover her ears, "Stop! In the name of Celestia, please stop!"

The group of ponies stopped in their onslaught of the one-syllabicated word. The larger one said, "We are the knights who say..." He took a dramatic pause for dramatic effect (go figure) and then said, "Neigh!"

Twilight flinched, along with her companions. Applejack whispered to Twilight, "Who are they?"

The head knight, who could care less at who the question was asked to, replied, "We are the keepers of the sacred words; neigh, pencil, and yeas-naw!"

Twilight panicked, "Those who hear those words seldom tell the tale."

"We, the knights who say... NEIGH, demand a sacrifice!"

Twilight said, "But we are just simple travelers!"

"Then we will say... NEIGH!" The others followed suit, and the two ponies covered their ears as best as they could. Spike took a sigh of relief when he covered his ears with his claws.

The knights who say the secret word had stopped their ranting, and the three travelers uncovered their ears. The head knight said, "We shall say 'neigh' again if you don't appease us."

Twilight said, "Okay, we will do as you wish. What do you wish?"

We want, a shrubbery!"

At that moment, somewhere in Equestria, a certain pink pony had a twitch, and the fourth wall was broken, causing a dramatic trumpet sound.

The three replied in unison, "A what?"

They started their neigh rant again, with similar results from the travelers.

Twilight quickly replied, "Okay, we will get a shrubbery!"

The knights all quieted down, and the lead one nodded. "Okay. And it must look nice."

The three nodded.

"And not too expensive."

The three nodded.

"Now, go!" The two Knights of the Round Stable (and the dragon servant) made one of their most hasty retreats.

Guys

hey guys...

I did it...

A CHAPTER IS MADE!