"Today's game is brought to you through Cabalvision by The ABC (Association of Broadcasting Conjurors)!" A deep gruff voice rang out to no one in particular.
"That's right, Bob. And let me tell you that it is a beautiful day for a match of Blood Bowl!" A rather high pitched voice shrieked out. "But first, an introduction. My name is Jim Johnson and I shall be one of your commentators for what promises to be a very interesting game!" Jim chattered excitedly.
"That's right, Jim. And I don't mind one bit sharing with all of you how excited I am for this match up." Bob blurted gruffly.
"And joining me," Jim continued "Is my dear friend, co-commentator, and ex-Blood Bowl star: Bob Bifford!" Jim clapped politely to add effect. "Now, we have approximately twenty minutes before the team line-up. What do you think we should do for filler until then, Bob?"
Bob answered confidently, "Why Jim, I think we should go over the Rules of Blood Bowl."
"Why in the world would we ever need to do that, Bob?" Jim asked with feigned surprise.
"Well Jim, haven't you heard the news?"
Jim stayed quiet for a moment as though he was thinking. "No Bob. I can't say that I have heard any news about any strange inter-dimensional rifts opening up in which the Matriarch of said world took an interest in our way of solving conflicts and that she may or may not have sent a team through the portal in order to compete in a league." Jim took a deep breath.
"Jim, I'm not sure that was grammatically correct." Bob said uncharacteristically quietly. "But any ways," Bob continued. "Blood Bowl is a no holds bar tournament sport in which two teams fight for control over a ball. One team kicks; the other receives. Points are scored by running the ball to the opposite end zone by employing an number of tactics whether that be: passing and catching the ball, running and dodging through the opposition, or maiming every opponent on the field and walking the ball in for a touch down."
"And to think people say that ogres are dumb." Jim quipped.
"If there's one thing I know, it's Blood Bowl; You squeaky little bloodsucker." The ogre menaced at his vampire co-host.
Jim chuckled nervously, "Well... Let's move on shall we?" Jim cleared his throat. "There isn't a lot that you can't do in Blood Bowl but there are some important rules you need to take into account. The first is that you should never hit an enemy while their on the ground.
"Unless you have some bribe money ready, of course." Bob added insight-fully.
"A player should never, ever try to leave the pitch while the game is going." Jim continued.
"That's right, Jim. The spectators don't take kindly to cowards."
"Thirdly, if you see a halfling on the pitch you must punch it into the ground."
"I don't know why the leagues even accepts Halfling teams... Oh wait. The blood!" Bob laughed uproariously at his joke.
Jim struggled to continue. "And fourth: Don't do drugs, kids... Unless you wanna be a Blood Bowl star!" Jim degraded into laughter with his co-host for the better part of a minute. Jim sighed out the laughter. "You know, we may joke a lot up here in the observation box but doping is a serious problem that doesn't affect three out of four Blood Bowl players. We're hoping to change that. So buy a potion and bribe a ref. Please, for the viewer's sake."
"The more you know, Jim." Bob nodded affirmatively. "The more you know." There were a few moments of silence. "I can't remember what we were talking about before, Jim."
"I think we were talking about the rules of Blood Bowl. I don't know why though... It's not like anyone enforces them or at least lives after enforcing them." Jim said dismissively. "You want to talk about the teams that are playing today, Bob?"
"Well, I guess we can do that."
"Right, the home team for this match is the Elf team, The Severhold Sparrowhawks." Jim squeaked. "And I'm sure that they will put up a welcoming, fair fight for the newcomers."
"Right... A real bore fest from that end." Bob grumbled.
"Come on, Bob. There is some merit to passing the ball. Just because you could never pull it off doesn't mean it isn't a legitimate strategy." Jim tried to comfort Bob although in a somewhat back handed manner.
"I just don't see the point of throwing the ball when you could just wade through the corpses." Bob said as he slammed his fist on the table. A loud sound is heard and followed by feedback.
Rustling is heard while Jim stammers, "Er, well. Let's go to our goblin correspondent, Graplin, who is in the Sparrowhawk locker room right now. Graplin?"
"Greeting Blood Bowl fans!' Graplin croaked out in a surprisingly deep voice... for a goblin. "I'm here in the Sparrowhawk locker room with their Star Player: Jaynen Fellorite! Say hello to your fans, Jaynen."
Jaynen chuckled, trying to hide the disdain he had for the goblin. "Yes... Hello."
"Tell us, Jaynen. How excited are the Sparrowhawks to be the first match up with Blood Bowls newest team?"
"We are all very excited. It is not everyday that a new team joins the league, especially one from another dimension." Jaynen pounds his fist to his heart. "We consider it the highest honor to introduce them to Blood Bowl."
"Any apprehension going in to the game?"
"None at all." Jaynen smiled confidently. "It's Blood Bowl. How could we ever be prepared for something like this. We all knew what we were doing when we signed on. We play not for glory, but for the love of Blood Bowl."
"I couldn't have said it better myself." Graplin pitched.
"Hm. I know... Well I must be going now. We must meet with our coach one last time."
"Thank you for your time! Back to you in the observation box. Jim?"
Two ponies sat in front of an orb broadcasting the Blood Bowl pregame. One was a unicorn that wore light padding that allowed for full range of motion while still proving some protection. Upon his head sat a helmet that sported a horn-like protrusion, obviously protecting his horn. The other was a pegasus that wore light armor that would hold up in the event of a high speed collision. Wings sprouted from the back of his armor. His helmet formed a fin designed for slicing through the air.
The pegasus broke the silence they held during the interview. "Wait, what even are those things?"
The unicorn blinked. "Those are elves. I've heard they're pretty similar to humans. Not as strong but much more agile."
"Well, that's all well and good, but what are humans?"
The unicorn threw a glance at the pegasus. "We're pretty boned... aren't we?"
The pegagsus stayed quiet.