Celestia's Unread (And Hopefully Forgotten) Letters.

by DearPrincessCelestia

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2384

Here are some of Celestia's letters that Spike has never burped out. After Spike's death due to a fatal magic trick, doctors found a gazillion letters from Celestia that were stuck in his kidneys! Will you be the first to read these unread

Dear Reader,
Ah, well Spike... He's always had an issue that Twilight may have never realized... Accidentally digesting some of the letters instead of burping em' out. Well, it was probably for the better. After that foolish Twilight mixed up a few words in her silly little magic trick... well... then there was a dead baby dragon. SOOO yeah, errr, since Spike signed some kind of thingy about being an organ donor, he was taken to the Ponyville laboratory. A few minutes after Dr. Saddleman and Professor Manesmith began the operation, they found a gazillion letters in Spike's kidneys! I don't even know how, but the letters managed to stay in mint condition. Go ahead, I guess I'll let you read my kinda embarrassing letters. No big deal... JUST DO IT BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!!!

PS: Luna just asked me if mint condition letters taste like mints. She has a lot to learn.

Yours truly-ish,
Princess Celestia

Published 2013-03-13 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-23 00:44:36 UTC

Omg, MMORPGs Are So Freaking Addicting

My fellow knight, Twilight Sparkle,

Here. take thy weapons. You have a long sword, a flail, and a long bow with 20 arrows sharpened to perfection. Ah, MMORPGs are... OMG IT'S A HUGE FUCKING DRAGON! DIE! DIE! DIE! . . . . so addicting. Seriously. I remember when Luna first showed me the computer. I was all "What? Hell no! Technology is too advanced for me!"... And then when she tried to introduce me to email: "Nononono."... and then she showed me MMORPGs... my mind raced with the adrenaline of nerdiness. I began to... OH SHIT, THERE'S A HUGE-ASS ORC CHASING ME!..... Phew. That was a close one! You know, it's true that friendship is magic. The friends that I made online always find a way to let me charge up my magic attacks during the boss fights. Not only that, but if I weren't friends with my computer, none of this would have ever been possible. Oh, I love you computer!
PS: The female characters are freaking HOT!

Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to ya later cause I'm busy kicking ass right now,
Princess C.

Luna Told Me That I Should Become A Hipster

Hey Twi-dawg,

Sup?! Ya, Princy Luna toldz me I should, like, totally become more hip, dude. Like, seriouslyyyy, I need to get back in da loop! I remember in my lil' filly yearz mai elders would be all like "YOU STUPID PONYTEEN, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING ONE OF EM' REBELS." So I never did. *sigh* BUT SCREW DAT SHIZNIT! Imma free spirit! I flow with da wind! Hey, dees huge nerdy glasses actually look kinda good on me!

Chow gurl!
C-dawg

Discord is Discriminating Against Ponies That Have Lactose Intolerance

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It seems that we have a problem. Dick-head Discord is back. Back in the day, he would constantly make it rain chocolate milk. I hated him so much for that... and as you may know, Twilight, I have Lactose Intolerance. I'm afraid that the lesson of laziness that I taught you earlier will be too irrational. It takes years of practice. So, instead use the... oh shit. Where did they go? I probably left the Elements of Harmony in my bedroom or something. Eh, you'll figure it out. Twilight, it is up to you and your friends to stop Discord. Let no Lactose Intolerant ponies have to tolerate this madness!

Good Luck,
Princess Celestia

You'll Be Okay... Maybe... Not?

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

How are you and your friends doing? Yes, he is indeed a tough opponent, but I know you'll do just fine. Well, you'll be okay... kinda. Maybe. I guess... perhaps... not too bad. Errr, kinda bad. Horrible-ish. Uhmmm. OKAY, FINE... you're probably going to die. Maybe you'd actually stand a chance if I could actually find the Elements of... LUNA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! THOSE ARE NOT TOYS!!! Ugh, I found them. I'll send them over immediately. Oh, hold on a second... what did you say, Luna? .... He offered you a bargain. Yes, mmhmm. Okay... WHAT? You sold them to him?! The ones that you have right here are fake? Argh! Looks like it's up to you six to find the elements of harmony that Discord has hidden!

Best of wishes,
Princess Celestia

101 Ways to Punish a Mischievous Pony

101 Ways to Punish a Mischievous Pony

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

LUNA IS BANISHED!!! Lately, I've been reading a more classic literature, and therefore, was inspired by Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. So, as I left off on the last letter, I have to find a way to punish Luna. I love that stupid bitch, but she has to be taught a lesson here and there. Thank goodness there has never been a situation where I've had to resort to... (CRASH! BANG! ...) Hey Luna, is everything alrigh-... you... NO. YOU BROKE MY FURBY?! THAT'S IT. I have to resort to my book: "101 Ways to Punish a Mischievous Pony"!

This is where I need your help, Twilight. I need help deciding which method I should use to punish Luna. It will be hard to choose with there being 101 techniques. Here are a few:

Burn them.

Burn off their hoof and have them eat the ashes.

Give them candy.

Give them a cup of coffee.

Make them drink coffee and choke on candy for a bittersweet death.

Introduce them to 4chan.

Make them listen to a ten hour loop of Nyan Cat.

Banish them to the moon.
. . . .
I think I have an idea. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? LUNA IS BANISHED TO THE MOON! Haha, that ought to teach her a lesson!

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

A Little Alliteration

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

As you can see,
Bipedy bopedy bee,
I am writing poetry.

It is so nice not to have a nagging Luna near.
Nothing to lose, nothing to fear.
Peace and prosperity is all I can possibly hear.

Except for the screams of little beggar ponies shriveling up and dying to my sun's heat rays of justice.

Lol.

Metaphors, similes,
Stanza-filling opportunities.
Personifica- I MEAN ponification,
Along with a little alliteration.

Writing poetry isn't too hard.
Actually, it's kind of fun.
Just scribble down some random shit and call it done.

And with a little bit of luck,
Flipedety fickety fuck,
You just might not suck.

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

I'm Too Lazy to Raise the Sun Today... Can't I Just Wait Until Tomorrow?!

My dearest, most faithful student Twilight,

Gaaaah, I'm tired. I don't think I'll raise the sun today. Here is a quick lesson why doing no work is important. Read carefully. I may use this in a test I assign you. Force equals mass times acceleration. If my acceleration is zero, and my mass is... I don't know. Thinking about it makes me feel fat. ANYWAYS, the force will equal zero. Work is equal to force times distance. If the force is zero, and the distance I've traveled is also zero (I'm still lying down in my bed, and won't be getting up anytime soon!), then the amount of work I have to do is ZERO! I know that you'll catch onto this lesson pretty quickly. However, the normal pony would not understand this intricate level of intelligence. So yeah, goodnight!

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

How Does Everypony Know All the Lyrics to Whatever Songs I've Never Even Heard Before?

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

There's something I don't seem to understand. Maybe it's just because I'm old, and you're all so young, but... Why is it that whenever I hear some pony singing a song I've never heard before, all of the other ponies around start to join? Where have they heard the song before, and how do they have all of those lyrics memorized?! Seriously. I remember I was in Canterlot, greeting ponies before the Grand Galloping Gala. Then all of a sudden, just about everypony around me bursted into song, singing "AT THE GALAAAA, AT THE GALAAAA!!!" I didn't know what the heck was going on. I thought that maybe it was some surprise performance. BUT NO. THERE'S MORE. I remember back when it was winter. I was observing the slow but significant work being done to prepare for spring. However, at one point all of the ponies were singing something along the lines of "WINTER WRAP-UP, WINTER WRAP-UUUUUP! LET'S FINISH OUR HOLIDAY CHEER!" They sang the same notes, the same lyrics, the same rhythms... I don't get it! There is definitely something suspicious going on here. Twilight, your next assignment is to create a data base of every song that anypony in Ponyville knows. Gather all of the lyrics and give them to me. If these lyrics are kept secret from me, this will put my throne and the rest of Equestria at risk... If I look like a fool for not knowing the lyrics, disaster will strike before we know it.

I'm counting on you,
Princess Celestia

The Mathematical Equation of Friendship

The Mathematical Equation of Friendship

My dear Twilight Sparkle,

Yeah, I think I got that whole hipster thing wrong. I think I better stop. Luna said I'd make for a good gangsta... but I don't know about that. So how's that friend-making thingy coming along? To answer your question, I didn't assign you on the mission to make friends because I thought it would help you. I've always viewed it more as a scientific experiment. In simple terms, I was testing to see if the creation of friendships would help strengthen bonds in order to multiply the effect of the Elements of Harmony. If you'd like to get more advanced, here is the equation that I have created in which I think applies to this:

6+7(4)+y(2) P+8[9+x(y+3)]
___________ + _____________

8/7( i +86)+34 7(4+2x) - 20%

So far, all the results using the equation have been screwed up due to Pinkie Pie's randomness. And of course, Applejack is an imaginary number, because we all know that Applejack can only be a main character in someone's imagination. Eh, maybe I'll give her the "Best Background Pony" award when the next Summer Sun Celebration rolls around.

Yours maybe,
Princess Celestia

Fluttershy is Drugging Up the Animals

My dear, most faithful student Twilight,

You really suck at choosing friends. Didn't your parents tell you to keep away from creepy ponies? If they were with you right now I'm sure they'd point at Fluttershy and say as if they were on a safari: "Now THIS is a prime example of a social outcast in it's natural habitat!"

Now, onto more important issues that I failed to get at there... Your friend Fluttershy is drugging up the animals. Since she's probably on it herself, it seems that she can also talk to animals... that ain't right. I know that she's been through some rough times (being a push-over and all of that), but drugs are not the answer! Knowing that you're one of her good friends, I'll be sending you on an assignment to un-drug the animals, and to keep Fluttershy from doing crazy shit, like talking to animals. If she isn't stopped, the wildlife will wreak drugginess. The lakes will be flowing with massive amounts of alcohol and dead bunnies. We don't want that to happen do we? Oh, and you know what else? That water will flow to Ponyville, and quite possibly other parts of Equestria. We've seen some results of the ponies indulging this contaminated water. Yes. Pinkie Pie was the first to be affected. Since we all know that we can't handle more than one Pinkie Pie, let's just try to eliminate this problem fast.

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

The Ultimate Test of Laziness

Dear Twilight,

Good job on defeating Discord! Lactose intolerant ponies all over Equestria are praising you and your friends! Since you've worked so hard, now is a great time to test your skills of laziness. You haven't had much time to practice it, but you'll get the hang of it! Look at me! I've mastered it so well, I don't even bother to leave Canterlot to defeat enemies that come our way. All I have to do is rely on you six! Anyways, you have 20 minutes to complete this test. Best of luck! 3... 2... 1... GO!

The Ultimate Test of Laziness

What do you do when you hear your alarm go off in the morning?
a) turn it off
b) reset it to a later time
c) ignore it
d) don't set your alarm in the first place

If Applejack asks you to help her gather all of the spilled apples...
a) make an apple pie
b) pretend that you are blind and not see the apples
c) roll around on the ground, eating all of the apples that have fallen
d) throw an apple at Applejack

If ponies are wrapping up winter...
a) break the ice
b) make nests for the birds
c) lock yourself up in a room, sipping hot chocolate while reading a Daring Doo book
d) fuck it... USE MAGIC!

What responsibilities would you receive if you were a princess?
a) baking chocolate cakes for Luna
b) traveling across Equestira, learning the names of each individual pony
c) demanding praise and obedience from everypony
d) eh, whatever

The End

Yeah, I hope you don't fail. Well, it's not that I really care, ya know. Just encouraging words of wisdom.

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia

Luna, Where Did You Put The Answers To The Ultimate Test of Laziness?!

My most dear Twilight Sparkle,

Ugh. Luna, where is my english muffin? ....oh hey Twilight. I... you fucking ate it didn't you? ....sorry Twilight, it's just.... LUNA YOU FUCKING CUNT. I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT........ Ooooh, geez. It has been a long day. I was just about to grade your test and.... Oh, hey, Luna. Do you know where the answers sheet to the ultimate test of laziness is? .....Twilight, when I glanced over your answer sheet, I think that you did very.... It was inside your english muffin. Really. REALLY?! And you ate it? Luna, when will the light bulb inside your head turn on? Don't pull a Pinkie Pie! Use your common sense for once! ....this is bad.... er, not your test results. Just this particular situation, if you get what I'm talking about. I used to have the answers memorized, but I seemed to have forgotten them. Even if... Luna I don't care if you control the night and not the day! It's a STUPID ANALOGY. OKAY? ....Wait a second. Luna, did you look at the sheet before you ate it? Yes? Okay, what did it say? ....*facehoof* Oh duh, how could I forget? The only way to pass the test is to be too lazy to answer the questions! And if I remember right... let's see... here is your answer sheet aaaand... you passed!!! Congratulations, Twilight! I knew you could do it! All of that hard training and studying sure paid off in the end, didn't it? Again, congratulations! As for you Luna... hehehe, don't worry Twilight, I'll fill you in on the next letter! Hehehe...

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia