Sham Now!
Spike hummed happily to himself as he carried a stack of gemstone-laden pancakes over to the couch and plopped himself upon it. He located the remote and the TV flickered to life, already set on his usual channel and within seconds, Saturday morning cartoons occupied his thought process. He glanced quickly at the stairs and muted the volume just in case he had inadvertently woken Twilight up. He gave it a few seconds before re-engaging the volume, satisfied that she was still out to the world. Needless to say, she didn’t much approve of television, citing the age-old belief that 'one’s brain would turn to mush’. It made Spike wonder why she even had it in the first place but as always, he ignored the question and simply stared at the screen with a glazed expression, mindlessly shoveling pancakes into his mouth.
“Oh brother,” he muttered as an intrusive and long-winded infomercial began its rant about Celestia only knew. He picked up the remote, about to silence it…and stopped. He watched in fascination as an eager young stallion in a navy-blue shirt and short, spiky mane held up a small yellow towel. Spike was on the edge of his seat as the pony proudly demonstrated the small towel’s astounding capabilities. The young dragon actually applauded as the towel effortlessly absorbed a spilled 164-ounce milkshake on a brand-new carpet and wiped a tear from his eye as it withstood the force of two Minotaurs pulling on either end.
“Send no money! We’ll bill you in 75 easy payments! Order in the next 36 seconds and along with your Sham Now, we’ll send you 11 more absolutely free! Don’t hesitate! Operators are standing by so order now! Seriously, do it. Don’t think about it. Just do it…” Spike shut the TV off and ran up the stairs to Twilight’s room.
“Twilight, Twilight, Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!” He gasped and took another deep breath. “Twilight, Twilight…”
“I’m awake, Spike!” she exclaimed with a groan. “What in Celestia’s name is going on?”
“I saw this guy do this thing with this thing and it was awesome!” Spike replied breathlessly. Twilight gave him a blank look mixed with just a hint of worry...and yawned.
“I don’t follow.”
“Just…come with me!” With that, he grabbed her hoof and practically pulled her out of bed and down to the TV. Twilight opened her mouth to protest but was forced to put that plan on hiatus as another huge yawn escaped.
“Spike, what’s going on?” she asked as he frantically started flipping through channels. “You know I don’t like it when you watch too much TV.”
“Don’t worry, Twilight, what you’re about to see is nothing short of amazing! It was like magic or something!” Twilight rolled her eyes as her young assistant flipped through the channels for the third time. “Aha, here it is!” Spike exclaimed, jumping onto the couch. Twilight opened her mouth to protest but was silenced by a ‘ssh’ and sat beside him with a sigh. It was your typical infomercial; long-winded yet shockingly uninformative, and self-important to the point that it made Rainbow Dash look positively modest by comparison. One would swear that, based purely on the infomercial alone, the bright-yellow towels could cure cancer. And yet, for all of its obvious shortcomings, Spike seemed enthralled by it, his eyes eagerly following the obnoxious pitch pony’s every move. After four mind-numbing minutes, it ended and Twilight grabbed the remote before Spike could react.
“HI, BILLY HAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER GREAT PRODUCT FROM...” Both Twilight and Spike jumped in surprise and scrambled to shut the TV off.
“So…why did you want me to see that?” Twilight asked, thoroughly puzzled by her assistant’s antics. “It was just an infomercial. You always said you’d rather clean the library and sort through every shelf than watch those.”
“Yeah but this one was different!” Spike replied excitedly. “Didn’t you see any of that? He cleaned up that huge milkshake with one swipe!” He held Twilight’s shoulders and put his face less than an inch from hers. “One. Swipe. And it’s made in Germaney so you know it’s good.”
“Oh Spike, that’s just marketing hype,” Twilight said with a small laugh. “It’s used to sell somepony something when they think it can’t sell itself based on its own merits.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Spike replied dismissively. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go order some. I’m sure they’ll come in handy!”
“Wait what?” Twilight almost did a double-take. She simply could not believe that after everything she’d taught him, Spike could still fall for such an obvious display of Bit-grabbing. She sighed once more; it was important to take his youth and naiveté into account and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Wait a minute, she thought as an idea began to form. It was the perfect opportunity to teach the young dragon a real-world lesson! If she could prove through careful and controlled experimentation that the entire shebang was nothing but complete hooey, it would teach him not to simply accept things at face value without thinking them through. She grinned and joined Spike in the main room of the library as he furiously scrawled down his order on a piece of parchment. Her eyes widened at it and she grabbed it with a magical glow, eliciting a ‘Hey!’ from the dragon.
“What gives, Twilight?” Spike demanded.
“Spike, I really don’t think we need 9,000 of these,” she replied, scratching out the outrageous number and replacing it with a significantly smaller one.
“You’re right…” Spike reluctantly agreed. “We need more than 9,000 of them!” he suddenly added, grabbing the order form before Twilight could react. However, wits and magic are considerably quicker than dragon reflexes, even ones based on greed, and Twilight levitated the order form just out of his reach.
“I think 10 should be sufficient,” Twilight remarked, sealing it into an envelope and applying a stamp.
“Sufficient? What do you mean?” Spike asked.
“Well Spike, I believe that there’s an excellent lesson to be learned here and in four to six weeks, we, or more specifically you, are going to learn it.” Spike face-palmed as Twilight practically beamed at him. “Come on, Spike! It’ll be fun!” Twilight’s reassuring phrase did little to reassure him as uncomfortable memories decided to pay him a visit.
“Sorry Twi but I’d rather not get turned into a newt…again.”
“But you got better! Besides, isn’t this what you want? You get some of those…Scam Nows or whatever they’re called and I get the opportunity to teach you something valuable! It’s a win-win scenario!” Spike sighed; there was just no winning in cases like this and sometimes it was better to just hold on to life and limb and let Twilight have her way. Besides, she was partially right; no matter how you sliced it, he ended up with the miracle product regardless of the potentially painful consequences.
“Okay, Twilight,” Spike agreed with a sigh.
Four to six weeks later…
Twilight winced as something hit the library with a crash and managed to grab several books before they hit the floor.
“Mail call!” A muffled voice exclaimed from outside. Twilight set the books down and opened the door.
“Good morning, Derpy,” she addressed pleasantly. “Something for us?”
“Yep! Sign here, please,” the mailmare replied, handing Twilight a piece of parchment along with a medium-sized box. She signed it and gave it back.
“Thanks, Twilight. Have a good day!” She waved and flew off, promptly crashing into another Pegasus as Twilight closed the door and examined the box. I guess this is it, she thought as a giant ‘As seen on TV’ sticker stared back at her.
“Is it here is it here is it here is it here is it here?” Spike asked breathlessly as he scampered down the stairs. He lost his footing on the last step and rolled like a bowling ball right into the table, ending up on his back whilst knocking the box onto his stomach and into his waiting claws. His eyes widened as he eagerly stared at the ‘As seen on TV’ sticker.
“Well Spike, shall we take a…” She was interrupted by a shredding sound as the young dragon eagerly tore the box apart, anxious to get to its precious contents. “…look?” Inside the box were ten individually-wrapped yellow towels that precisely matched the ones…you guessed it…seen on TV. Spike practically drooled as he gently lifted them from the box as if cradling an infant Messiah.
“They’re…beautiful…” The look on the young dragon’s face was reminiscent of when he first laid eyes upon Rarity; love-struck, twitterpated, whatever. Hoo boy, Twilight thought.
“Well Spike, now that they’re here, shall we begin the experiments?” Twilight asked hopefully.
“Awe, do we have to?” Spike protested while hugging the towels.
“That was the deal, Spike,” Twilight reminded him. “Or would you rather spend the day re-shelving everything?”
“Y…y…you mean…” Spike’s expression was one of unbridled horror as if Twilight had just invited him to an execution. “Everything?”
“You bet.”
“Even the…” He shuddered. “…reference section?”
“Especially the reference section.”
“But those books weigh a tonne! And they’re covered in dust ‘cause no one ever uses them! And they smell weird!”
“I’ll bet those experiments are looking pretty good right now.”
“Alright, let’s do it.” Spike replied with a tone of resentment.
“Great!” Twilight chirped. “Now, before we get started, we need to pick up a few things...”
Experiment # 1: Absurd Absorptive Properties
“Is that everything on the checklist, Spike?” Twilight asked as they left the market on their way to Sugarcube Corner. Ponies couldn’t help but stop and stare at the inordinate amount of dairy products Twilight effortlessly levitated behind her.
“Let’s see...two gallons of milk, three gallons of ice-cream, two litres of detergent, a carpet sample, and...oh yeah, a ‘humble pie’ for when you see how awesome these Sham Nows are!”
“Very funny, Spike,” Twilight replied. “Anyway, that sounds like everything. I hope Pinkie Pie knows milkshakes just as well as baked goods. I’m not much of a kitchen chemist so I think I’d better let the expert handle the milkshake.”
“That’s for sure,” Spike muttered as memories of her last attempt at the culinary arts made him shudder.
“What was that?” Twilight asked, eyebrow raised.
“Nothing, nothing at all. Uh, we should get going. This milk isn’t gonna shake itself!” Spike flashed her an overcompensating smile. Twilight roller her eyes as they approached Sugarcube Corner, upon reaching which they were greeted by an eager pink party pony.
“Hi Twilight! Hi Spike! What’s all that for?” She asked excitedly, examining the levitating ingredients. “Ooh! How about I make a gi-normous milkshake! Wouldn’t that be sweet? Heeheeheeheehee! ‘Sweet’! Get it?”
“Actually, Pinkie, that’s exactly what I’d like.” Twilight replied. Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped bouncing and held her hooves to her mouth, accompanied by a long ‘gasp’.
“Here it comes...” Spike muttered, holding his claws over where his ears would be.
“YAY!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed loudly enough for anypony in the general vicinity to hear. “This is gonna be so much fun!” With that, she herded them into Sugarcube Corner.
20 minutes later...
“I think this thing belongs in the Equestria Book of World Records,” Spike commented as Twilight carefully set the gi-normous milkshake down on the floor of the library.
“Remember Spike, this is for science, which means no drinking the milkshake!” Twilight reminded him.
“Awe, c’mon...just a sip?”
“Sorry Spike but in order to ensure maximum accuracy, our experiments must stay within the parameters of the demonstrations from the infomercial. In order for the results to be accurate, we can’t tamper with any of the experiments and that means no sips.”
“Fine...” Spike grumbled, partially awed by the fact that Twilight could reduce something as exciting as a 164-ounce ice-cream product to nothing more than mere logistics.
“Good. How about putting that piece of sample carpet in the bathtub while I bring this upstairs?” Spike nodded and grabbed the piece of rug on his way to the bathroom. Concentrating carefully so as not to spill even a drop, Twilight manoeuvred the outrageous beverage up the stairs and over to the bathtub where Spike was waiting with a Sham Now already in claw. “Ready, Spike?” The dragon nodded. “Alright then. Here we go!” With that, Twilight poured the drink into the tub directly over the piece of carpet. They couldn’t even see the bottom of the tub under the veritable lake of milk and ice-cream and Twilight was certain that no shammy in the world could absorb all of it, and certainly not like in the infomercial.
“Can I now, Twilight?” Spike asked eagerly, Sham Now at the ready.
“Go ahead, Spike. Clean away!” Twilight replied confidently as Spike got started.
12 seconds later...
Twilight’s jaw remained dropped as not only was every drop of milkshake gone from the tub but the piece of carpet looked as good as new. Spike smirked as Twilight carefully examined the drain and the carpet and sensed around for any residual magic, anything (other than the shammy) that might explain the sudden disappearance of the confectionary ocean.
“I can’t...I don’t...what just happened?” Twilight asked in disbelief. “How did it...it’s impossible!”
“And yet, here we are with a perfectly clean tub,” Spike replied smugly. “Ready to admit defeat, Twi?”
“Oh no. Nononononono,” Twilight declared as she hastily jotted the results down on a piece of parchment. “This is only the beginning, Spike. I’m not giving up after the first round, no way! To the next experiment!”
Experiment # 2: Improbable Tensile Strength
“Ready, Spike?” Twilight asked from behind a table on which an assortment of tools lay. The next stage of the experimentation process was to take place in the library basement not only for safety reasons but also because Twilight had everything she required for Stage Two within hoof’s reach.
“Ready, Twilight,” Spike replied as he handed her a shammy, which she grabbed with her magic.
“Okay then. The experiment starts...now!” With that, Twilight grabbed both sides of the towel and pulled as hard as she could. She grunted and groaned but to no avail; the shammy held fast. “Okay, no big deal,” Twilight panted, absentmindedly wiping her forehead with the shammy and eliciting a muffled laugh from Spike. “A lot of regular towels can’t be torn just like that. Spike, the saw if you please.” Spike nodded and handed her a nearby stainless steel hacksaw. Using her magic, Twilight held up both items and with a somewhat disturbing look in her eye, proceeded to saw madly at the small shammy. “Aha!” she declared triumphantly, feeling something give way. “What?” she shouted in disbelief, holding up a mangled saw and unharmed towel. "Grr, maybe this'll do it!" she exclaimed maniacally as Spike gulped and handed her a purple chainsaw festooned with white and lavender stars. With a twisted laugh, she tore away at the towel, practically begging it to cry out in agony or admit defeat and dematerialize under the relentless, savage assault of the literal daisy cutter. Unfortunately for Twilight, the towel simply refused to submit and held fast, even dulling the chainsaw's blade.
“Wow...” Spike murmured, staring intently at the towel.
“Alright, enough horsing around! Spike, my blowtorch!”
“Yes ma’am!” Spike answered, feeling more confident by the minute.
“I’ll get you this time, heh heh heh,” Twilight muttered, grinning sadistically as she and Spike each donned a pair of extremely dark safety glasses. There was a sudden burst of heat as she razed the small towel with a blue flame over and over as if out of revenge for some unforgivable crime.
10 minutes later...
“H...how...it’s not...aaarrrrggghhhh!” Twilight yelled in frustration as the towel stared back at her, completely untarnished.
“Wow, Twilight,” Spike said as he examined the blowtorch. “I can’t believe your torch actually ran out of fuel without burning the shammy to a crisp.” Even he was growing more and more impressed, if such a thing were possible. “Let’s face
it. These things are invincible.”
“Oh Spike, Spike, Spike...” Twilight said in a slightly sinister tone as she marked down some more data. “I was just going easy on it. The next test will prove me right! To Fluttershy’s cottage!” she exclaimed, hoof held high.
(Cue retro Batman-style segue)
“I’m sorry, Mr. Bear,” Fluttershy cooed as the huge mammal nursed a sore front paw, sore after a remarkably unsuccessful attempt to tear the towel in half. “I’ll get you some ice for that pulled muscle.” As Fluttershy tended to the bear’s needs, Spike gently pushed Twilight’s lower jaw back up into place.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Spike said as he marked down the data on the results parchment.
“I don’t get it, Spike!” Twilight exclaimed. “It’s not magical, it’s not made out of anything that can’t be found on Equestria...aaaarrrrrrrgghhhh! It makes no sense!”
“Next experiment?”
“Next experiment!”
Experiment # 3: Astounding Number of Uses
“Okay, so the thing can absorb spills pretty well and is really difficult to break,” Twilight admitted as they returned to the library.
“You mean absorb anything and impossible to break,” Spike corrected. Twilight scowled at him.
“Anyway, as I was saying, there’s just no way that these little towels have over 100 different uses,” Twilight continued. “Maybe a dozen or so at most. This is the end of the road!” she declared victoriously, glaring at another shammy.
“Twilight, you’re scaring me,” Spike said nervously.
“Like they say, no pain, no gain! It’s time for Round Three, Spike, and I know exactly what we’re going to do!”
“Admit defeat so I can get back to my TV?” Spike asked hopefully.
“Not just yet! A true scientist doesn’t just give up in the face of adversity! Besides, haven’t you already seen every episode of The Mare-y Show?”
“Yeah but...”
“No ‘buts’! It’s our duty as scholars to see this through to the end! Now come with me and let’s do this!” With that, Twilight whisked the young dragon out of the library and onto her back.
About a minute later...
“It’s a good thing that every order came with an additional 11 shammies,” Spike commented as he carried a boxful of the yellow towels. “Otherwise we wouldn’t have nearly enough for everypony.”
“Trust me, Spike, we won’t need nearly this many to prove me right,” Twilight replied, sounding surprisingly confident. Even Spike had to admit that finding 100 different uses for the towel seemed daunting, if not virtually impossible. Still, he had to keep his chin up if he had any hope of showing Twilight that he wasn’t just another sucker after all. “I’m sure that once they see that these are nothing more than glorified facecloths, they’ll agree with me.”
To say that the rest of the afternoon didn’t go quite as Twilight planned would be an understatement of Biblical proportions. Not only did it seem like every pony in town found a use for the small yellow towel but now that practically everypony possessed one, she felt as if she had just carried out a corporate scheme of alarming magnitude. The list was...extensive.
Rarity had been delighted with the towels, particularly because for reasons unknown, they possessed every single trait indicative of a top-quality fabric and thus were absolutely perfect for working with. The fact that bright yellow happened to be ‘in’ (apparently) didn't hurt either.
“Maybe Rarity wasn’t the best choice after all...” Twilight said sheepishly as they left Carousel Boutique. More like a no-brainer, Spike thought.
To Twilight’s dismay, her next test didn’t fare any better. Simply by tossing one of the shammies into a storm cloud, Rainbow Dash’s chores for the day were complete (the towel’s extreme absorptive capabilities saw to that) thus leaving the pleased Pegasus with a brand-spanking new laziness enabler.
Surely the Cutie Mark Crusaders, infamous for their ability to destroy the indestructible, would be too much for it! Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes as they eagerly fashioned disaster-proof sashes for their more potentially fatal Crusading sessions after a terrifying series of tests subjected to the towel.
Twilight could only sputter in disbelief as the rest of the day went as such. Lyra eagerly used one to polish her Lyre, Bonbon found a use for one as a weatherproof welcome mat for her store, Applejack used them for cleaning around the farm and polishing her apples (they shone for pony’s sake), Berry Punch mopped up spilled juice, Vinyl Scratch and Octavia used almost half of them to soundproof their apartment’s music studio (one of which Octavia kept to clean her cello), Pinkie Pie enjoyed them as new oven mitts, Fluttershy used them as bandages and bed sheets for her critters, Aloe and Lotus used them as exfoliating face masks, Derpy used some to insulate her muffins for long trips, and Roseluck used them as eternal water sources for her rosebushes by soaking them and lining each pot with one. In fact, there was only about one pony left who hadn’t...
“Twilight Sparkle!” Princess Celestia exclaimed as her royal chariot landed in front of the frustrated student. “Ah, just what I needed,” Celestia added, wiping her forehead with one of the yellow towels. “It’s quite lovely out but a little too hot for my liking. You won’t mind if I keep this, will you? Thank you ever so much.” With that, her and her entourage flew off, leaving a stupefied Twilight in their wake.
“Aaaarrrrrrrggghhhh!” Twilight shouted. “How...did...this...happen? I don’t get it! It has to be some weird coincidence or something! How could everypony we encountered today need one?”
“Or ten,” Spike piped up. “We’re almost out. Actually, we’ve only got one left. See?” He held the last one up.
“I don’t understand, Spike! These things are never as good as they look on TV!” Twilight exclaimed in frustration as they returned to the library.
“Maybe this one’s the exception, Twi,” Spike replied. “I think the lesson today is that sometimes, you’ve just gotta believe...” Twilight gave him a blank look. “Okay, maybe not. Look, it wasn’t all bad, was it? I mean, we had fun visiting everypony and doing those experiments, right? Isn’t that what counts?”
“You know what, Spike? You’re right. Today was actually pretty fun.” Twilight agreed, finally over her previous fit of hysterics. “And now since we’re done the experiment, you can help me clean the shelves and then re-shelf all the books!” She added excitedly with a big smile.
“Awe, are you serious?” Spike asked in disbelief. “Even the..." He shuddered. "...reference section?”
“Especially the reference section!”
“Oh, come on! That’ll take forever!” the young dragon complained. “They smell weird and they’re all dusty too!”
“Now Spike, it won’t be that bad,” Twilight assured him with a gentle smile before shooting him a smirk. “Just use that little yellow towel of yours!”
The End!
