Chapters Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S1E1: Into the Rabbit Hole
It was quite a fine day in Equestria, and unsurprisingly, Twilight Sparkle was inside reading a book. What I mean by that was that it was not surprising that she was reading a book. The fact that she was reading it cooped up inside the tree that housed her home and the Ponyville Library instead of on a park bench as she was often wont to do on a day as beautiful as this one may or may not come as a surprise to some. However, the reason this was so was simply because the research she was doing was quite important and unwanted distractions would be grievous indeed. Twilight needed all the brainpower she could spare, because, it seemed, she had discovered a new set of elements.
Not the kind of elements you might find on a periodic table, like hydrogen or gold or ununnilium. Not even a new synthetic element. No, these elements seemed to be of the magical sort, spirits personifying certain traits. Twilight herself was one of the Elements of Harmony, magic to be exact. She and the other five Elements had used their great power to defeat mighty foes, such as Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and enemy to the very concept of harmony. He’s a statue now. Anyway, Twilight had never known, never even suspected that there might be other elements out there besides those of harmony which presided in her and her friends. Not until now, at least. The idea of it made her giddy.
By now, if you didn’t already know, you have probably begun to fathom just how much a nerd Twilight was. But even nerds are subservient to their all-powerful demigod mistress, especially if they are the personal student of said demigod. Realizing her discovery would likely be of immense interest to the Princess of the Sun, she set about writing a letter. By this, I mean, she called her dragon Spike up to do all the work.
“Spike! Spiiiiiike!”
“Coming Twilight!”
Spike had been downstairs reshelving the books in the main library that always had a way of being left all over the floor by a certain purple unicorn whenever he finished organizing them. For such an OCD pony, Twilight had a way of making messes of her literature that defied comprehension. But, not wanting to keep Twilight waiting, as that would undoubtedly mean being sent to the corner, he went upstairs to her bedroom to see what task he was to slave away at next.
“Spike, take a letter.”
‘Oh, of course,’ thought Spike ‘I need to write a letter. Why can’t she ever write her own letters? She has telekinesis for Celestia’s sake, she could probably do it with her eyes shut.’ But, not daring to speak this treachery aloud, he picked up a quill and a piece of parchment and stood ready, waiting for Twilight to dictate the contents of the letter.
She began. “Dear Princess Celestia-”
‘Not another friendship lesson.” Spike said in his head.
“-I am writing to you of a matter of utmost importance. It seems that there are more magical elements than just the Elements of Harmony. I have discovered what seems to be an entirely new set of them. I will need to study further, and I will report back when I have found something. If you know anything, please relay it to me immediately. Always your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike had to hurry to finish those last lines because he had paused part way through in shock. Once he completed the task of penning the letter, he rolled the parchment up into a scroll, tied it with a ribbon, and incinerated it into ashes with his breath of enchanted flame. The ashes floated out the window, spiraled once or twice in a thermal, and began to ride the cool morning breeze to the distant city of Canterlot, Capital of Equestria and seat of the throne. Not long after, indeed it seemed only a few seconds had passed, before Spike belched out a great cloud of flame which materialized itself into a parchment scroll nearly identical to the one he had sent off. Twilight immediately used her magic to pluck the document from the air and unrolled it. She held it up and her eyes quickly scanned the content. When she let it fall, her face was agape with disbelief. “The Princess, she- she-” Twilight stammered “she wants me to forget it! She even told me to burn the book I had found the clue in! How could this be? There is something odd going on here. . .”
Spike cut in: “Hey, Twilight, maybe you’re just overthinking. She probably just doesn’t want you overworking your brain or anything. When was the last time you took a break, anyways?’
“No, Spike,” Twilight returned in her over-serious-there’s-shenanigans-going-on voice, “something serious is going on, and I have to find out what!”
Meanwhile, in the evil lair-
No seriously, in the evil lair. In this case, the lair being the study or one Mr. Artemis Fowl the Second. Second obviously because his father had the exact same name and of course a distinguishment was necessary. Now this Artemis was a villain, the greatest mastermind the world had ever seen. His archnemesis Opal Koboi would beg to differ, except for the fact that ‘dead men (or pixies) tell no tales’. Yeah, she died. Her minion put a knife in her chest. The point being that Artemis was now indisputably the best mastermind in the world. Also the richest, for he came from a long line of men nearly as devious as him. The Fowl family name was the most respected and well-known name in all of Ireland.
Did I forget to mention Artemis was Irish? But to the point. He was rich and smart and saved the world several times and also he discovered faeries. A lot of achievements for a minor. Now, at this point, he was a better man, more reformed, and less taken to criminal activities. But at this point, now that his archnemisis was finally gone for good, and for once no new threat seemed to be imminently looming (for once), he realized that soon he would have to face the Shirt. See, he hadn’t really been home for awhile, at least while zombie pirates and evil all-powerful pixies weren’t trying to kill him, and so he hadn’t had to deal with it. What the Shirt was was a simple graphic tee of the sort normal teenagers wear. But Artemis was no normal teenager, and he loathed any garment not in any way resembling an Armani suit. He wouldn’t wear it if it wasn’t an Armani suit. So, as you can see, he had a major problem. He had been trapped into wearing it by his mother who had bought the shirt for him as a birthday present about a year and a half ago. He had been in a small escape pod under the ocean with a dwindling oxygen supply and two other occupants at the time, so the matter had not pressed on his mind quite as much as it would have in normal circumstances. Later on after that he was hospitalized in a secret underground facility to treat his magical mental condition. When he finally went home, it was under attack and the world was in chaos.
Now he had no excuse to avoid the promise his own mother had bamboozled him into making. Artemis had to hand it to her, the trap was simple yet impossible to escape. She made him promise to make use of the gift she bought him and then revealed its identity after he agreed. The shirt itself would have been bad enough for him even without his aversion to non-Armani garments. It was black, and on the front was an image of a neckless youth missing two digits on each hand. In the background, scrawled topography text read ‘Randomosity’. This, of course, did not sit well with Artemis. But logic told him to get it over with. He’d just have to wear the shirt and the included jeans for one day; just one day to appease his mother, and then he’d never have to see it again. He could even burn it if he wanted. Bracing himself, the boy genius approached the door that led to his adjoining sleeping quarters.
Once inside, he opened a dresser drawer and removed an item still wrapped in tissue paper. Removal of this veil revealed it to the the Randomosity shirt. But- something seemed- off about it. The colors were much brighter than Artemis had remembered. Indeed, it seemed to be giving off its own light. The word ‘Randomosity’ rapidly increased in luminance. There could be no question about it now; the shirt was glowing. Artemis’ mind immediately began to formulate an explanation. He realized with some amusement that that light patterns reminded him of the times he had been transported through time. This thought quickly asserted itself in the front of his mind, and he instantly made the connection. As soon as he did, the portal made its connection, and Artemis was no longer in his room. He was not even in the house. In fact, Artemis was not even on the planet.
Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S1E2: My Name is Artemis Fowl
Artemis found himself tumbling through the expanses of time and space. The seeming tunnel twisted by as he was transported to an unknown location. This feeling was not entirely unfamiliar to the boy, as he had done his fair share of time-traveling, but he had always known exactly where and when he would end up. This time, he had not even the illusion of control. Not being in control was an almost entirely new feeling him, and he nearly panicked. But ever the logical mind, Artemis realized how very little good panicking would do and so retained his composure.
Wondering why his principal had given a sudden shout of surprise, Artemis’ massive bodyguard Butler crashed through the door to the room previously occupied by the young genius, only to find the majority of the space was now filled by a huge, swirling, rainbow-colored rend in the space-time continuum. Before the large Eurasian man had a chance to comprehend, much less react to the sight in front of him (a very small amount of time indeed) he found himself in the grip of the strange portal. His body was pulled in, and at the last moment he felt his hand snag on a piece of fabric. Then he was gone. The portal closed, leaving the room as silent as death.
Owing to his larger mass, Butler traveled through the vortex at a much faster rate than Artemis, because apparently matter follows the same laws of acceleration even where there are no laws to follow. By a staggering coincidence, Butler reached terminal velocity just as he caught up with Artemis. Artemis started to wonder how this could be, since that one crazy Italian guy proved the two objects fall at the same rate regardless of weight, but since their progress was almost entirely horizontal it seemed somewhat comprehensible, and anyways he realized a better question was how Butler was there with him in the first place. Then he noticed that the Randomosity shirt was in Butler’s fist.
“I see you have my shirt.” stated the boy.
“Do I?” replied the older man, “Yes, that seems to be correct. I must have caught it accidentally when I was sucked into this vortex thingy. What is this place anyways, one of your experiments?”
“No, old friend. I believe that it is, in fact, a result of the garment you now hold in your hands. If you would be so kind as to hand it over, I’d rather go into an unknown dimension in that shirt then to arrive without one at all.” Indeed, Artemis was bare-chested (calm yourselves, ladies) because he had been in the act of preparing to wear the Randomosity shirt before it turned into a portal generator. After a bit more thought about how dangerous it might be, he changed his mind: “On second thought, I don’t want it.” Then the two humans fell out of the time stream into a world where humans had never been seen before.
Twilight Sparkle was interrupted in her forbidden studies of the six new, unknown elements by a calamitous commotion from outside. It sounded like a lot of ponies were screaming and running around in circles, which was not at all odd, because when Twilight looked out the window, that is exactly what she saw happening. The source of all the panic was not immediately visible to her, and the wide range of possible suspects that usually messed things up made it virtually impossible to guess the origin. Twilight opened her door and stepped out into the chaos-ridden streets of Ponyville. What she saw was unbelievable.
In order accurately account for Miss Sparkle’s reaction, one must first accurately describe the scene that met her eyes. This is what I will attempt to do. A large group of ponies was gathered around. . . something? Somepony? No, someponies. Twilight could now clearly see that there were two figures at the center of the mob, but the press of bodies around them made them unidentifiable. They clearly had to be something extremely out of the ordinary, or such a fuss wouldn't have been made. She circled around, trying to get a better view.
Then suddenly she did. The two ponies in the center of the crowd, they- no, not ponies. Ponies don't walk on two legs. They have a lot more hair than that. Ponies certainly aren’t that tall. The shorter one looked about six inches above the average pony, but the other one towered at a height that would have even Princess Celestia looking up. Twilight rightly guessed he was somewhere in the vicinity of seven feet tall. Not only was he large, but there was something else about him that seemed menacing. Perhaps it was the rough way in which he endeavored to keep the mob away from the obviously younger creature. Two flashes of magenta light later, the townsponies found that the source of agitation had vanished.
Then they reappeared, accompanied by a third flash, but this time inside Twilight’s library. Twilight herself also materialized, and began running around, rapidly barring doors and pulling curtains shut as fast as her magic would let her. The task being completed in but a little time, as her magic was much more than sufficient for the task, she turned to examine the strange creatures she had brought into her home. One of them seemed to have the same idea, but vice versa.
“What an unexpected new life form!” exclaimed Twilight and Artemis simultaneously.
“It seems to be capable of communication through intelligent speech.” remarked Artemis and Twilight.
“This is quite amazing! Just think of what I could learn.” they both postulated.
“Excuse me, but what’s going on here?” interjected Butler, who wasn’t quite sure what was happening, and was still in shock from the interdimensional transport and subsequent teleportation.
“Can’t you see?” replied the other human, “We’re on a completely different world, inhabited by a sentient race! Just think of what this could mean for science, and- for profit.” He added this last part with his trademark vampire grin.
“And am I the only one who has noticed has noticed that these new sentient creatures are small, brightly colored ponies?”
“But of course not. It simply seemed obvious and irrelevant to remark upon. Think about the situation for a bit. You’ve met Foaly. He’s a centaur. May I inquire as to how a centaur is easier to believe in than a technicolor pony?”
“I’m sorry,” said the mare they had been completely ignoring; “but would you mind if I took notes? This is all just fascinating! And did you say centaurs? Do you have centaurs where you come from? I’ve only heard about them in legend. They’re supposed to be part pony and part something else. Is that what you two are, the Something Elses? Oh! I should probably write Princess Celestia. She want to hear all about this. . .” Twilight levitated a quill and a piece of parchment in her telekinetic aura and began to write furiously.
“Would you mind repeating that with more coherence?’ responded Artemis, who was almost tempted to speak just as enthusiastically from the sheer exhilaration of the discovery of it all. “I only caught the part about you reporting my arrival to some princess. . . and that I simply cannot allow you to do. Butler, please remove any and all communication devices from her.”
The large bodyguard found this impossible, as he seemed to have suddenly developed the power of levitation, as well as glowing pink, and was hovering upside down unhelpfully a few feet above the floor. Then Artemis noticed that the field that was restraining Butler matched a similar glow emanating from a horn atop the pony’s head. The young human then noticed the similarity between the current aura and the flash of light that had occurred when when they were teleported inside. Arty’s insidious mind instantly drew the connection.
“You’re a magic caster,” he said, “and quite a formidable one, too, I might add. Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot, or, hoof, as is no doubt your version of the phrase. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Artemis Fowl.”
“And I am Twilight Sparkle.” responded she, setting Butler upon his feet once again, “pleased to meet you.”
It didn’t take long for Artemis and Twilight to engage in an enthusiastic conversation of mutual education, each trying to gather as much information on the other as they could. Butler was standing near his principal's side, keeping one eye on the pony and the other on the lookout for snipers or bombs. Artemis was greatly interested in what Twilight had to say about magic. She didn’t realize this was because in the past he had in the devoted his life to discovering a magic-based civilization, and for all his research he had never reckoned on stumbling upon a second. All this magic was just Artemis’ forte, and he drank it in with the utmost fascination. Eventually Twilight began to wind down in her explanations, and offered to show Artemis one of her books, a proposition to which he readily agreed.
“Perhaps you could help me with this one.” she said, “There are things in here which warrant investigation, but I can’t do it alone.” She led Artemis to table on which a book lay open, the very tome in which she had found mention of the new, mysterious, undiscovered Elements. Twilight explained the situation to him, neglecting to mention that she was forbidden to even have that book anymore, and then indicated a page. (She didn’t realize that Artemis would not have shied away from helping her if she told him it was illegal, in fact he would have rather enjoyed it.) He took a quick glance at the page. His mismatched eyes fell on one word: randomosity.
“Where did you find this?” he asked.
“On the shelf.” replied the scholarly pony.
“I see,” mused the boy, “I think I’m just the one you need. Together we can help each other.”
“Each other? Have you heard of these before?”
“You could say that this “randomosity” is the reason I’m here. Quite by accident, I can assure you.”
“So- are you saying you are here totally by random?”
“Not exactly. I believe there is something behind this recurrence of the word. An intelligence, perhaps. Besides, haven’t you heard of Chaos Theory? Nothing truly is entirely random. But I can certainly say that a common theme found both in a book of magic and on the shirt that brought me here warrants investigation.”
“Did you say a shirt brought you here? And what’s this about Chaos? Has he been causing trouble again?”
“Well, that is the gist of what transpired, yes, except for the part about a male creature named Chaos. In fact, Butler, whatever happened to that shirt? I feel a closer study would be prudent.”
Butler pretended to be too busy glaring suspiciously at a small purple and green salamander thing that was putting a pile of scrolls on a shelf and dusting a few of the more ancient tomes. In reality, though, this took up only a portion of his unconscious mind and he had took work to keep up the unsuccessful illusion. Finally he gave up and succumbed to the boy’s inquiry.
“I don’t have it. I think- it’s still outside.”
Twilight and Artemis were at a window in less time than you could say “D'Arvit”. They peered intently between the curtains and for any sign of the mysterious garment. The crowd had dispersed. and the streets seemed fairly empty. Just as they dared to hope, a mint green unicorn mare meandered into view. Suddenly she stopped and looked down. The as-yet-unidentified mare then looked fitfully back and forth to see if anypony was around. Wrongly satisfied that she was unobserved, she picked something up in her telekinetic aura and hurried off with it.
It was the shirt.
Butler and Artemis stood side-by-side at one end of the library, facing Twilight at the other. A book of spells stood open and a stand nearby and her horn glowing as she prepared to cast a spell. Butler had offered to requisition the stolen shirt, but Twilight had protested to either of the humans going outside and likely causing another disturbance. An agreement had been made, and Twilight agreed to work with them for their mutual benefit, after she turned them into ponies so they would blend in. This was what she was preparing to do now, to cast a transformation spell.
The aura around her horn increased mightily in size and intensity, and a swirling cocoon of magenta light began to mold itself around the two humans. They began to lift of the ground and the magic enveloped them completely. A blinding flash of white began to emanate slowly from the transformational aura, accompanied by a mind-blowingly deafening silence. When everything subsided, Artemis and Butler were gone, as least as we knew them. In their place stood two ponies. The first and small one was a creamy white colt with a short, sleek, swept-back mane and tail, both jet-black. His right eye was a pale blue, while left was and amber brown flecked with green. His cutie mark was of a gold ingot crested by a grey banner on which was the Fowl family motto, Arum Potestas Est.
The other one had quite a different appearance. He was an impressively large stallion with a red-black coat, short cropped tail, and no mane. An image of a handgun was visible on his flank. This pony was Butler, while the formerly described entity was in fact Artemis. The transformation was complete and obviously successful. There was one thing though. . .
“How am I supposed to hold a gun or throw a knife with hooves? queried Butler intensely.
“Well,” said Twilight, “If you were a unicorn like me, or, apparently, Artemis (eeyup, you heard me right, Artemis was a unicorn) you could use telekinesis. Pegasi can hold things with their wings pretty well, too.”
“But I seem to be neither- wait, pegasi? Oh, never mind. I can worry about how to hold my weapons after I get a place to put them.”
“I agree, old friend.” was Artemis’ remark. “At any rate, acquiring suitable attire is an endeavor on which we should no doubt embark upon without delay. It has been a good hour since I last wore a good tie.”
Twilight had this to say: “I think I have a friend who can help you with that. Her name is Rarity. Follow me.”
An extensive amount of time later, Artemis and Butler stepped out of the Carousel Boutique, fully decked out in new clothes. Artemis wore a white shirt with matching navy vest and jacket and a mauve tie. A pair of aviator sunglasses with bronze-colored lenses protected his eyes against the hypnotic effect of the mesmer , not that there was anyone here who could use it on him. Butler in turn wore a white shirt, jacket even blacker than his coat, skinny bloodred tie, and silvery wraparound sunglasses. His suit had been specially tailored to have an unconventional amount of pockets to hold his unconventional array of weapons.
“Where to next?” he asked his charge.
Twilight was the one with the answer. “I’ve already made a checklist. First we go to my house to collect the violent one’s weapons, then we proceed to the dwelling of Lyra Heartstrings, the mare who has your shirt, and requisition said garment. After that, I think our best move would be to consult with a friend of mine in- The Everfree.”
“Everfree?” queried Butler suspiciously. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that. Just what it this- Everfree?”
“Well, the ancient ponies called it “The Deep Dark Wood of Doom.” said Twilight helpfully.
“Brilliant.”
Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S1E3: Adventuring We Will Go
Captain Holly Short was alone and in a firefight. The goblin triads had gotten even more difficult to deal with in the days after Opal’s last failed plan at world domination. Even though the pernicious pixie had lost one last time, the aftermath crippled both faerie and human civilizations alike. In both worlds gangsters had seized advantage of opportunity had begun to run rampant, gangsters like the well-armed goblin thugs who had the elfin captain pinned down behind a dilapidated old subway train. In other words, just an average Tuesday.
Holly reached into a pouch on the utility belt of her jumpsuit and removed a small, roughly egg-shaped object with a small box protruding off to the side. Holding it in her palm, she used her thumb to flip up a small cover on the box and then flicked a switch. She lobbed the grenade over her cover to the location of her wildly stupid but still dangerous antagonists. It rolled to a stop and a small timer clicked, igniting the concussive Semtex-based core which propelled the superheated plasma contained in the shell in a flaming wall that washed over and nearly completely engulfed the goblins. Unfortunately, goblins are fireproof, necessary to them because of their ability to conjure fireballs.
The grenade nevertheless achieved its desired effect. The blast was strong enough to knock the majority of the reptilian brutes off their feet, even blowing the skin off one who had been close to the point of shedding. The practical upshot of which was that they were all now disoriented enough for Holly to stand up and squeeze off several stunning low-power (blue level) Neutrino shots and more effectively put her adversaries out for the count. One, however, remained standing, and raised to his shoulder what could not be anything other than a Softnose bazooka.
“D’Arvit!” cursed Holly as the first slug of yellow light virtually destroyed the derailed subway car that had held up so well against the barrage of smaller weapons that had previously been discharged at her. She ran farther down the track in an attempt to find new cover, careful not to touch the third rail. This section of the New York metro system had been abandoned even before the technological apocalypse, but it was better to be safe than sorry. If that rail was still powered, her state-of-the-art suit wouldn’t be insulation enough to stop her nervous system from shorting out if she stepped on it.
The goblin was fumbling in his pocket for more AA batteries, like all the weaponized Softnoses left over from the first goblin insurrection took their power from. That launcher was powerful, but it took the charge from eight AAs to fire off one round. Someone new had obviously been supplying the triads these unorthodox ammunition sources, but Holly could worry about that later. Right now she needed to take advantage of the goblin’s preoccupation and take a shot. The low-intensity wide-bore burst she fired did little but make her reptilian foe stumble backwards, but it might have been enough, since he began to fall right over the potentially-deadly third rail. No dice. He got right back up, definitely not shocked to the point of incapacitation or death. This tunnel was unpowered after all.
“D’Arvit.” Holly swore for the second time in as many minutes. Flying low over the track, she retreated farther into the bowels of New York. Spotting another overturned subway farther along the tunnel, she quickly made a beeline for it, but first she turned and fired a medium-powered (purple level) shot from her Neutrino 3000 towards the goblin who at this point had concealed himself behind a large boulder as he reloaded. The beam pierced neatly through the rubble but failed to make contact with its intended target. Holly returned her full attention to reaching the subway, but then she realized something. There was a huge pit in the middle of the tunnel that went down for an undetermined distance and was well over 20 feet in diameter (this dimension was projected over the aforementioned geographical feature for Holly in real time via the HUD in the visor of her helmet).
“How in Frond’s name did that get there?” Holly completely failed to ask herself as she darted inside the sideways train car that was protruding over the precipice. She then realized she was trapped in there and dove out the other end, into the abyss. She fired up her Super Sportster model R2 wings (Foaly had apparently been going through a Mud Man racing plane phase when he named them) and spun around so that she faced upwards while still pursuing a somewhat downwards trajectory. Holly had jumped not a moment too soon, as a blast from the goblin’s Softnose knocked into the precariously balanced subway and sent it plummeting downwards, barely missing her as it fell. The experienced captain then holstered her Neutrino and switched over to her buzz baton, essentially a nightstick with the added kick of packing the same electrical punch as a stun gun. With this implement in hand, she was quickly able to fly up and subdue the goblin who was now standing stupidly at the rim of the hole looking down.
Like I said, just an average Tuesday.
Back in Equestria, Arty & co. were coming up on the edge of the Everfree Forest. Recovering the shirt had been easy enough. When they walked in, Lyra started babbling to Twilight about “I told you so and I knew this day would come and now I have proof just look at this thing I found blah blah blah blah blah” without so much as a comma, until Butler offered to silence her with a length of garrote wire he had taken from its hiding place coiled up in his wristwatch. This had the effect of making Lyra shut up and hand over the source of the agitation without further conflict. Artemis then did something quite unexpected. He walked up close to the frighted unicorn, removed his glasses, and looked into her eyes. His horn flashed momentarily with a cobalt light, and then he spoke a simple phrase: “Forget what you saw today.”
“Mesmer ,” he explained as they left, “a basic form of mind control. Apparently faerie and unicorn magics aren’t entirely dissimilar.” He refused to explain to Twilight any more, like how he knew how to use the mesmer .
If Lyra had seen the rest of what Butler was packing, the mesmer wouldn’t have been necessary to keep her from spilling the beans- she would have died from a heart attack. In addition to a few basic survival supplies for the three of them in his saddlebags, Butler had on his person an arsenal of:
(1) Sig Sauer p220 45. ACP
(1) Sig Sauer p230
(1) Sig Sauer p938
(1) Derringer Two-Shot
(1) Compact Uzi submachine gun
(3) Sonix grenades
(5) oz. Semtex+remote detonator
(6) Kunai
(1) Large boot knife
(1) Blackjack
(1) Length of garrote wire (already mentioned)
(1) Pair brass knuckles
and
(over 9000) Badassery
Although these items were more than sufficient for defense even in the treacherous Everfree, he nonetheless had one more item he wished to acquire. So, back to our adventure-bound heroes.
“I still don’t understand why you found it necessary to buy a mace.” stated Twilight as the shadowy forest began to close in around them. “You already had so many violent implements of death. Also, you owe me 300 bits. That mace wasn’t cheap!”
“I find it just fascinating that you trade in solid gold coins.” remarked (who else?) Artemis. “The currency of The People who dwell in secret on my world is called ingots, but the transactions are all mostly digital. All of the real gold is locked up for safekeeping. Well, not all of it- I still have over ten million euros worth of it. I had up to a metric ton of their gold, but I gave a portion back and spent nearly half of the remainder.”
“That’s- peculiar, to say the least.” puzzled the intrigued purple unicorn, “Would you mind explaining to me how-”
“So, why don’t you tell us about your friends?” Butler quickly changed the subject. Twilight didn’t seem to notice and jumped at the chance to talk about friendship.
“Well, let’s see, let’s start with Rarity, whom you have already met. She is the personification of generosity-”
“That was going to be my third guess, actually, generosity was.” said Butler.
“Really?” exclaimed Twilight, “But- what were the first two?”
“Well, the second thing I thought was ‘vanity’”.
“I- guess I can see why you would think that. And- the first?”
“. . . Um, it was. . .” Butler’s eyes darted around behind his shades. “It was. . . whore.”
“Excuse me, Butler?” Artemis entered the conversation.
“Well, sir, did you see the way she was eying you?”
“I did not notice any deviation in her attitude between you and I, and neither between us and Twilight.”
“Hm, well, I didn’t see her giving me the bedroom eyes, just you. Although it could be that perhaps I was too busy being concerned on your behalf. After all, that’s what you pay me for. Your sense of self preservation can be, at times, and forgive me for saying this sir, but it can be at times somewhat lacking.”
“We’re here.” deadpanned Twilight, who was a bit put off by the suggestion that one of her closest friends was a slut. But now that she thought about it, she did notice some quirks in her friend’s manner to, among others, Twilight herself- She shook her head. “Nah.” she thought. “Couldn’t be.”
But, as she had mentioned, they had indeed arrived. Before them was a smallish hut, decorated with long masks designed in the Afrikaan style, as well as other exotic trivialities. This was the dwelling of Zecora, the pony they had come to see.
The building’s inside was just as macabre as the outside, more so in fact. Even more masks and similar artifacts brightened up the few square inches of wall space that weren’t already occupied by shelfs. These shelves contained jars and pots full of rare and uncanny ingredients Zecora used in her brews. Bundles of herbs and nets of empty pots hung from the ceiling, and in the very middle of the one-room house was a large black kettle full of a green boiling compound and sitting over a small fire. The building’s owner, a zebra adorned with many rings of gold, was sitting next to this kettle, slowly and inexorably stirring the contents within.
“Hello Zecora!” greeted Twilight. “I’ve brought some ponies I think you will want to meet.”
“I’m back.” statedly Holly quite truthfully to a tinfoil hat-wearing centaur. “Miss me?” After returning to LEP headquarters from her little skirmish beneath New York, the elf had decided to forego the mission report and instead go to see her friend Foaly, Civilian Technical Consultant for the LEP. His control booth was locked as usual, but Holly easily entered with the passcode Foaly never really changed: 5-14-9-12-1-2-1-12-12-1-3. As usual, Foaly acted completely surprised as to how Holly had gained access to his dominion, and as usual she told him to cut the crap.
“You’re no fun.” he sulked.
“Yeah, well, I figured you’d be used to it by now. Listen, I just got back from an engagement, and I really don’t want to fill out the paperwork. Could you take care of it for me?”
“Listen, Holly-” the centaur began “Commander Kelp has another mission he needs you on.”
“I just got back! I can’t do it now- I- I- I have paperwork to do!”
“Holly, the mission- it’s about Artemis.”
“What about him?” a hint of concern crept into the captain’s tone.
“He’s been missing for three months.”
“Meet me at the armory in five.” Holly jumped into action. “I need to resupply. You can debrief me while I prep.”
“That’s the attitude I was looking for.” Foaly gave a half smile.
A few minutes later Foaly and Commander Kelp were explaining the situation to Holly as she set herself up with fresh equipment.
“Here’s the deal,” said the commander, “We’ve already sent a recon agent to scope out the manor. He found intense magical residue in Fowl’s private quarters. We had our experts analyze it, and it turned out to be largely temporal in nature. No1 believes he can replicate the spell that left the residue.
“If you’ve already sent a recon guy in to see what the deal was, what do you need me for?”
“We need a team. When No1 does that spell, odds are it’ll lead us straight to Artemis. We need someone to follow through on that.”
“You’ve come to the right girl.” Said Holly, “Now, who else is on my team.”
“Well, you’re leading it, obviously.” continued the commander; “We’ve chosen two officers to accompany you. Private Chix Verbil-“
“A bit of a pain in the ass to deal with, but not the worst.” mentioned Holly.
“-and my brother, Private Grub Kelp.”
“You have got to be kidding me.” deadpanned Holly. “I need backup, not comedic relief. That’s all you’re giving me.”
“Not my decision,” Trouble informed his star captain; “Author’s orders.”
“Aw, fuck.” Holly swore in plain English using her faerie gift of tongues, for no other reason than making sure the author knew exactly how she felt. And safe on his side of the Fourth Wall, Melvin G. Biv, author, smiled.
Holly composed herself. “Just get Grub and Chix down here. I need someone to yell at. Inform No1 that I’m ready whenever he is.” Holly put her helmet on and cracked her neck. “Whatever happens, there had better be some asses to kick, ‘cause I’m all out of bubblegum.”
Our friends in Equestria were getting along fine, not thinking of rescue or indeed if they were in fact stranded on an alien world with no way to get back. Then Artemis brought the subject of getting back, and Twilight wrote a note down to the effect of investigating return strategies while the experiments into ‘randomosity’ were being performed. Artemis had at first been wary of the location chosen by his new equine ally, but this changed when Zecora’s secret underground laboratory was opened. The colt found himself quickly at home amongst the equipment, and soon he, Zecora, and Twilight were overtaken by the fervor of scientific discovery as they worked together. Butler was not taken over by anything but suspicion and maintained his usual post of glaring at anything that moved and most certainly at inanimate objects. He had introduced himself to Zecora not as Domovoi Butler, nor simply Butler, but as Domestic Revenant. This new world had given him a raging sense of paranoia.
“How long are we going to be here?” inquired Butler, just a hint of boredom creeping into his professionality.
“Mr. Revenant, you appear to need something to do. Perhaps you could help me get started with this stew?” Zecora rhymed. She had ceased working in the lab with Twilight and Artemis and was currently preparing cook a meal for all four ponies, as it was starting to get late.
“Why not?” replied ‘Mr. Revenant’.
As the zebra and huge black stallion conversed in the hut proper, the unicorns continued working in the lab. Artemis and Twilight found that they worked well together. They had chemistry, so to speak, although under the current circumstances that word might have been better replaced by ‘magic’. The pair were using a spell called ‘magic sight’ to observe the randomosity shirt. Twilight had been teaching Artemis some other minor spells as they worked, and he proved to be a quick learner. But he didn’t know everything about this world, and this was about to become painfully evident.
The debonaire colt had been examining some of the arcane herbal regents amassed here and there, and reached out with a telekinetic aura to turn a jar so he could better read the label, but, besides achieving this, he unknowingly misfired and destabilized an already precariously perched pot on a shelf above his head. Too late, he looked up as the earthenware container fell. It shattered across his cranium and scattered its contents, pale blue flowers, across his body. For a moment Artemis felt sick, then he passed out out. But just before everything went black, he was sure he heard somepony say “-overdose on poison joke.” Then, as I stubbornly insist on redundantly mentioning, everything went black.
When Artemis came to, he was surrounded by a large crowd of ponies, which quickly turned into three as his quadruple vision started to die down. Butler retracted his hoof, having just finished taking his charge’s pulse.
“Do you you feel?” Twilight inquired of Artemis.
“Oh, excellent. Nothing like nausea for feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.” he replied in a characteristically sarcastic manner.
“She’s fine.” said Butler, with no little sense of relief.
“Now that my well-being has been settled, would somepony mind explaining to me what, exactly happened. Also, could I be informed as to why you are all staring at me? Now that I think about, I do feel a little off. . . oh, and Butl- I mean Revenant, why did you refer to me as a ‘she’?” Artemis was starting to get confused now.
“We-e-e-e-ell. . .” intoned the other three in unison, all clearly bearing some secret they did not wish to tell Artemis.
It was Twilight who finally began explaining. “You see,” she began, a little nervously; “the contents of that pot that you were exposed to- they’re a plant called poison joke. A magical flowering herb in the same genus as poison oak. The effect of contact with poison joke is basically the Universe having a laugh.”
“You are saying I’ve been japed by a flower. I suppose you might as well explain what the effect was on me.”
“Hehehe. . .” continued the unicorn “I’ve never seen poison joke do this before, but I’ve also never seen an exposure rate to the plant like this before.”
“Get on with it, then. Don’t be shy.”
“. . . it turned you into a female.”
“I would be most pleased with you if you could honestly tell me that there is a cure.”
“To rid yourself of the joke’s cruel deed, all my words you must heed. An herbal soak is what you need.” It was Zecora’s turn to speak, her peculiar rhyming form of speech unmistakable.
“Is that all?”
“That it is, but beware! The brew will take time to prepare.”
“Brilliant!” enthused the pale colt- I mean, filly- but not entirely sarcastically.
As if the Universe was not content simply with Arty’s laughable poison joke predicament, at that moment it chose to allow three Lower Elements Police officers to step through a hole in space-time, right outside Zecora’s hut. The middle officer’s LEPrecon armband, captaincy signified by three gold acorns, heliotrope visor, and female gender made her unmistakable as anyone other that Holly Short.
Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S1E4: Seein' Numbers All Over the Place
Recap: As if the Universe was not content simply with Arty’s laughable poison joke predicament, at that moment it chose to allow three Lower Elements Police officers to step through a hole in space-time, right outside Zecora’s hut. The middle officer’s LEPrecon armband, captaincy signified by three gold acorns, heliotrope visior, and female gender made her unmistakable as anyone other than Holly Short.
“Well, that was unexpected.” remarked Artemis bluntly.
“Maybe we should invite them in.” proffered Butler. “I’m sure they had quite a time of it traveling through time and space.”
“No!” protested Arty. “I mean, they are likely fine, as they are wearing full LEP combat gear. My guess is they felt nothing.”
“Wait, do you know these other humans?” Twilight inquired. “What are the odds of that?”
“Less than you might think. I’ve learned not to question it when impossible events occur. Also, they are not humans.” Artemis was adamant that nothing was too far out of the ordinary.
This conversation was cut short, as knocks came from the door. Four knocks, which Artemis, almost, but not quite, entirely failed to react to the way he would have a year ago, under the influence of the Atlantis Complex. Zecora opened the door, and Artemis braced himself. Captain Short entered, and the first thing she noticed was that the big stallion in the corner reminded her very much of Butler. The second thing that struck her was that there was a big stallion in the corner, never mind who it looked like, and it was speaking. “Please, come in.”
Holly hesitated, but Grub Kelp ran in enthusiastically, more excited to see a room full of ponies than any self-respecting relative of Trouble had any right to. He also made a noise that sounded an awful lot like a squee. Chix, on the other hand, stared dumbly for a minute at the room’s inhabitants. Seeing that all but one of the ponies were female, he was probably thinking of ways to flirt with equines. Holly knocked him on the back of his pearlescent helmet. “Keep it professional.” she rebuked.
“Why, you jealous? I can give you some attention if you want.”
“Shut your insubordinate trap, soldier, and that is a order!”
Sergeant Verbil stepped inside without another word. The three officers spread out and began to take stock of their surroundings, having yet to realize that the were in familiar company. Holly took charge of the talking; “Good evening, ladies and gentleman, or whatever you are. We are faerie policemen from another world. I only have one question. Where is Artemis Fowl?
All the ponies smile wanly and Holly began to pace, fiddling with the Neutrino rifle in her hands. “You know where Arty is? You know who he is?” she continued. Then she noticed a look of- something- flicker momentarily across the face of a cream colored- unicorn? Getting up close in this pony’s face, she said: “You know where I can find Artemis? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little. . .” Unbeknownst to her, the questionee currently matching her glare was, in fact, her target.
Artemis spoke. “There is a possibility that I know of whom you speak.”
“Wait,” said Holly; “Do I know you? Your voice reminds me of someone.”
Artemis sighed and removed her sunglasses with a telekinetic cobalt aura, allowing her elfin friend to look into her mismatched eyes. One blue, one hazel, they looked and saw themselves reflected in the sheen of Holly’s helmet. Said helmet was soon removed by its wearer, and the soft look on her face in no way matched to the look of bemusement Arty had been expecting. “A- Arty? Wha- what happened to you?” Her voice shook a little, but then hardened. She punched her on the shoulder. “That’s for going missing for months.”
“Months?” replied Fowl, jr. “By my standpoint, I’ve left our world not 24 hours ago. It’s the usual muddle about times. I’ll probably have sisters by the time we get back.”
“What are you two talking about?” Twilight began to kick into major curiosity mode.
“Last time I time traveled with this woman, I had to go through the portal in my underpants, and then match wits with my younger self. Before that, we spent half a day in Limbo saving the world, and when we got back, I had twin brothers and Butler had a beard.”
“Oh, okay.” said Twilight. “So you do know them.”
“But of course!” exclaimed Artemis. “Let me introduce to you my friend, Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance Captain Holly Short! Holly, Twilight. Twilight, Holly. Holly, Zecora. Zecora, Holly. I’d introduce those LEP underlings over there, but they are not that important.”
“Hey!” shouted Chix. “I am too that important.”
Grub seemed on the point of tears. Artemis would have to remember to take into count the younger Kelp brother’s delicate self-esteem. The sprite, one the other hand, could use a bit of structural damage to his ego. “What I mean,” clarified Artemis “is that the irridescent one is not important. The one in blue and red is very important indeed. Ve-e-ry important.”
Grub Kelp inflated with pride, and Chix Verbil went of in a corner to sulk in the hefty pile of shards that formerly made up his ego. With both introductions and insults out of the way, Artemis and Holly settled down to talk. “What happened to you, Arty? Why are you here- and why are you a female pony? Can it be cured”
As Artemis was preparing his response, he heard a voice speak into his head. A strange, chaos-ridden, slightly sultry tone that sounded not unlike the villain Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation . It said this to Artemis: “No, don’t answer her, not yet. This is far too amusing as it is. . .” The disembodied tone faded out in much the same way as it didn’t on the way in.
Artemis decided to ignore it, at least for now. He had learned from experience that it’s a good idea to be honest with Holly the first time. “Explanations, yes. To put a lengthy epic into a few less words, I have been affected by a plant known as Poison Joke. The effect is quite easily reversible, as I have been assured.”
“Once it is, will you once again be a Mud Man?”
“My gender will return to it’s previous state. I will remain a pony until the transformation spell cast by Twilight is reversed.”
“Ah.”
Meanwhile, a certain aforementioned purple unicorn had stepped outside. The portal Captain Short & Co. had arrived through was still open, and Miss Sparkle had a desire to investigate. Staring into the depths of the technicolor vortex, she thought she saw movement. Looking harder, she realized what it was. She started stepping back slowly, casting a glance over her shoulder at her companions still inside. She had to warn them before it was too late- oh, too late. She saw herself, or, at least, a reasonable facsimile going inside amongst them all. But a moment later, Twilight heard a sound unlike any she had ever heard. The closest thing it resembled was a sonic rainboom, but with more of a sharp crack to it. She had no way of knowing it was the sound of a single round of a Sig Sauer p220 .45 ACP being fired, not even when a Changeling, missing most of its head, stumbled backwards out out the door and collapsed. The corpse was quickly followed by an alive-and-well Butler, his weapon in his hand. He pointed it at Twilight momentarily, then lowered it.
“Found the real one.” he called over his shoulder, then accidentally fired another shot at the ground. “Blast these hooves.” he muttered.
Twilight trotted over to him. “Here, let’s fix that.” Her horn glowed, and a small slug of magic sunk into Butler’s chest. Within moments, he was once again standing at his full, massive height.
“You turned me back?”
“Temporarily, at least. I put an inhibitor on the transformation spell. You’ll be needing your full self. That thing you killed? There’s more of them, and now they’re pissed.”
Butler nodded. “Finally, something interesting. Alright, we’ll need to find a place to hold out. This little building won’t cut it. I want everyone cleared out.” Twilight ran in and started to explain, and Butler brought his gun to bear on the Changelings that were starting to spill out of the rift. “You little buggers will have a lot more holes when I’m done with you.”
Inside, Twilight was ushering everyone out a back way, as more and more gunshots rang from the front. Holly, Grub, and Chix ran out to assist Butler, adding their futuristic arsenals to the fray. “We will, of course, need to collapse that hole.” Artemis had come up behind them and was commenting on the battle.
“Good idea, but- get back!” Butler commanded. “How am I supposed to do my job with you walking into danger every five minutes?”
“I concur. My actions can be most infuriating. But, I digress. The priority now is to close the rift. A large concussive explosion should do the trick.”
To which none of the soldiers could disagree. Butler took a few packages of Semtex from his jacket, tied them a detonator with a few wraps of det-cord, set the timer, pushed the big red button, and lobbed the improvised extra-strength grenade deep into the portal. It came out a moment later in the grip of a Changeling that took one flying leap, crashed through a window of the now-abandoned hut of Zecora, and was reduced to a homogenous paste along with the majority of the structure. The roots of the hollowed-out tree, being completely obliterated by the blast, ceased to throw in their structural support, and the decimated tree began to creak, then snap, and finally fall. It crashed down and blocked the portal.
“Close enough.” said Butler.
“Except that with my herbs up in smoke, I am unable to free Artemis from the effects of Poison Joke.” Zecora seemed just a teensy bit upset about the loss of all her property.
“Well.” said Twilight, trying to find something positive to change the subject to. “At least we’re safe now.” Because the universe was having a field day making things worse, something started pounding on the tree wreck blocking the Changeling horde from swarming our heroes.
“Kids, never poke a hole in the universe. You never know what might come out.” Artemis took a moment to make a public service announcement.
A final pound, and the wood shattered, revealing a large, angry troll, almost, but not quite, entirely the like the variety found on Earth. Little bits of Changeling hung from its jaws and tusks, but it was obviously still very hungry.
Butler seemed very pleased to see this new adversary. Last time he fought a troll, he hadn’t been allowed to kill it. And this time, he knew where to put his bullets. He called his mace into one hand, his Sig to the other, and stood waiting to meet it.
“Butler, you realize that last time you fought a troll, it was in an enclosed space, you were wearing a full suit of armor, and you were a lot younger.” Artemis cautioned.
“I can help.” Twilight cast a spell, and Butler’s limbs and torso were instantly encased in fine steel armor.
“Well now.” Butler approved, and turned to face down the slavering mammothine beast. “Come at me, bro.”
As much as the troll wanted to launch itself at the well-armed overconfident flea challenging him, it never got the chance. As all present watched in astonishment, something from the portal behind him slammed into his furry backside and exploded, sending fire and gore into the air. The troll fell forward onto his face, revealing a faint smoke trail leading from the bloody mist hanging in the air that marked the impact, off into the depths of the vortex.
“Well, now, that was unexpected, wasn’t it?” There it was again, that strange voice in Artemis’s head. He began to fear the return of the Atlantis Complex. Just this sliver of paranoia sent a glittering four across his vision. He decided to ignore it, and instead focused on the matter at hand. The source of the missile that slayed the beast came into view. A LEP transport shuttle made its appearance through the rift, escorted closely behind by two small teardrop-shaped patrol craft. Holly couldn’t help but notice the dark green markings on the otherwise sleek, black craft. She hoped it didn’t mean what she thought it meant.
The shuttles deployed their landing gear and came to rest. The large one opened its airlock and deployed a gangplank. Several LEPtactical officers with green armbands and ran down with Neutrino rifles and insured that the area was secure. Then another LEP-suited figure made his appearance. He was an elf by his build, and his suit was a dark green, and his helmet sported a bright green visor and had slash mark decals adorning the face plate. This helmet was speedily removed by its wearer, revealing his gray-green eyes and shock of mussy brown hair.
“Oh no,” breathed Holly, “it is.”
The unknown figure introduced himself. “Greetings and salutations. I am Thorne Crest, a major in the Lower Elements Police Tactical Division. And you are?”
“Skip the introductions.” Captain Short snapped. “What are you doing on my mission?”
“Only doing what you are not equipped to. We are setting up a command center and making use of batteries to sustain the portal projection so that No1 can stop casting his spell.”
She sighed. “There’s no escaping this, is there?”
“None whatsoever.” replied her superior.
Artemis could not take part in this discussion. After seeing a strange, laughing hybridized face flash across his vision momentarily, he collapsed, buried and suffocating in a pile of golden fours that nopony else could see.
Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S1E5: Something New Has Been Added
RECAP: Artemis could not take part in this discussion. After seeing a strange, laughing hybridized face flash across his vision momentarily, he collapsed, buried and suffocating in a pile of golden fours that nopony else could see.
“Arty?” A vague, familiar voice echoed through his consciousness. “Arty? Are you there? Wake up!”
Artemis groaned as her vision slowly began to return to normal. She winced as a stray four floated across her peripheral vision, but other than that she felt fine, and managed to stagger to her hooves.
“Thank Frond you’re okay.” Holly said as she assisted Fowl. Butler immediately rushed in and gave Artemis a full field medical examination. As well as he could, at least, with his limited knowledge of equine anatomy.
“They’re trying to hurt you. They want to get rid of you. That’s why they’re here. Run. Stay away. They’re not your friends.” Artemis recognized to chaotic voice from earlier- but something was different. There was another voice mixed in. One that was not entirely unknown to her. For a second Artemis felt herself slip, felt like everything was going gray, but then she got a grip. Shaking her head to clear it, she gave a reassuring smile to her friends. Or were they enemies? No, Artemis must not give in. But the seeds of doubt had been planted, and something had allowed to them to take hold. Could it be- no. Orion was gone.
“Well then, if we’re all fine and dandy, then we should probably get started.” Major Thorne addressed all present. “We need to set up the magic lithium-ion batteries to keep the portal open. No1 is starting to tire. We can’t have the rift closing if we all want to get back.” As much as Holly obviously had bad blood with this guy, she couldn’t disagree with him this time.
A few low-level LEP troopers were offloading some crates from the large shuttle. Holly jogged over to assist, waving for Grub and Chix to do the same. Butler watched them go, then leaned against a tree and pretended not to keep as watchful an eye on Artemis as he really was. Artemis himself was trying not to look like he had an inexplicable migraine, which he really did.
Twilight had just thought of something troubling she hadn’t before. “Butler-” she began to query, “When you killed that Changeling impersonating me- how did you know it wasn’t me?”
“Simple.” he replied; “It wasn’t you. It was a threat. I’m a bodyguard. It’s in my job description to notice imposters.”
“That does explain things.” affirmed Twilight “But Changelings aren’t really a threat, per se, not until you harm one at least. They feed off love, you see. They disguise themselves as someone you love, and feed off your love for that person.”
“So who’s love do you think that Changeling was trying to mooch off?”
Twilight gave a half-smile, then suddenly became serious. “I- I don’t know. That really is a good question-”
Meanwhile, the LEPtactical team had just finished stabilizing the portal. “All set for the return trip. Next stop, New Haven City!” Major Thorne gestured towards the rift with a wide smile on his face. Holly stood and wiped her forehead.
“Good.” she said. “I’m ready to go home.”
“I, for one, am not.” Stated Artemis. “I still haven’t done what I came into this forest for.”
“Which is?” Holly responded, raising an eyebrow. You will have to remember that she was not present at the beginning of the adventure and knew nothing of the whole “randomosity” thing.
“Oh, nothing much.” Replied Artemis vaguely. “Research.”
“That’s right!” Piped in Twilight. “Artemis is helping me find out about some new Elements!”
“Let me guess.” Holly spoke without enthusiasm. “It’s some new super-rare and super-valuable element called unobtainium or something stupid like that, and it can only be found here.”
“No.” Countered the cream-colored unicorn (who may or may not have had a slightly greyer coat tone at this point). “I get the impression that this element is something entirely different. Element with a capital “E”. A magical artifact of some sort. How am I in my theories, Twilight?”
“Wow, you’re pretty accurate there. The Elements of Harmony are six magical objects that are utilized by six ponies whose special talents reflect the six Spirits of Harmony. I’m actually one of them, Magic.”
“How enlightening. Do you, perchance, happen to any of these other- Spirits of Harmony?”
“But of course! Applejack is Honesty, Rainbow Dash is Loyalty, Fluttershy is Kindness, Rarity is Generosity, and Pinkie Pie is Laughter.”
“Take me to them.”
The green-suited LEP Major Crest was getting impatient at this point. “C’mon, we have to go now!”
Artemis refused. Butler would not go if Artemis wouldn’t. All LEP present, though, shared a different sentiment. The gender-swapped genius was torn between an intellectual challenge in a world that defied comprehension, and between returning home where his(her) family was no doubt worried sick about him(her). With the time difference, who knows how long (s)he had been gone? It could have been years! Still, this whole “randomosity” situation appeared to be more and more serious, and really warranted thorough investigation and most likely a healthy portion of adventure. Maybe a quick stop home first would be fine- his(her) mind felt like a blue and an orange light were pulling at either side. What happened next was exactly what you would expect to happen when something is pulled ferociously from two sides- a complete and brutal bisection. In this case, of Artemis’s mind. The cream-colored pony instantly turned as grey as Tom, the diamond that was actually a boulder.
Don’t get me wrong, (s)he was still as indecisive as ever discorded, but this time because of selfish reasons not at all like how Artemis would think. He had, in effect, been effectively reverted to the way he was before Ho Chi Minh City. As you can imagine, this was absolutely a problem.
Twilight, of course, recognized the physical evidence of discordization in Artemis immediately. She was, as can be assumed, showing just a teensy weensy little bit of quite a lot of panic. She saw no point in hiding it, and openly voiced her concerns. She began with “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” and then continued by attempting to give the non-ponies present a rundown about what she thought had happened to Artemis.
“It all makes sense.” she said as she started to wind down in her explanation. “When he collapsed earlier, whatever triggered his discordization must have started to kick in. Still, Discord himself had to have had a hand in this. However, at this point, it would be helpful if anypony present could contribute an idea as to what could have acted as a trigger? Perhaps a pre-existing mental condition?”
“I’m pretty sure I know.” responded Holly. “Atlantis Complex.”
“What’s that?” asked Twilight curiously.
“A magic-induced psychological disorder characterized by OCD, paranoia, and multiple personalities, for a start.”
“Well, that certainly complicates things.” stated the lavender mare.
“So tell me more about Artemis’ prior bout with the Complex.” Twilight was questioning Holly and Butler in hopes of discovering something that would help in fixing the mess their friend was in. So far, nothing.
“Yes, but from what I understand, you’ve dealt with this- discordization before. What I don’t understand is why whatever you did before won’t work on him.” Holly was doing some questioning of her own.
“What I did then was show my friends all the memories that I had of who they were. That won’t work with Artemis because I’ve only known him/her for scarcely more than a day. Someone like you would have to be the one to perform the memory spell. Wait- that just might work!”
“How? I may have some magic, but not at all in the way you do!”
Twilight began getting more and more excited. “Artemis said he was able to perform a faerie ability as a unicorn- so maybe faeries can use unicorn magic!”
“Really?” Holly raised an eyebrow. “Which one?”
“He said it was called mesmer or something.”
“That’s a very basic magic. I’m not sure I could pull of something complicated like some memory-sharing thing. I’m no demon warlock.”
Twilight smiled. “I think I have the perfect plan.”
Meanwhile, in the Batcave- hold on, that- that’s not right. Okay, I got it. Wrong script. Let me just start the scene over.
Meanwhile, while the friends of Artemis were deciding what to do with him/her, (s)he already had an answer. Or a self-satisfying one, at least. It was around this time the Zecora came back into the camp, having at some point slipped off to gather herbs and whatnot. Pulling her damaged but still usable kettle from the wreckage of her home, she set it upright and began to build a fire underneath. As the zebra set about making various other preparations for her brew, Artemis came up behind her, eyeing her every move.
“So- what are you doing?” (S)he asked in a manner most uncharacteristic of the Artemis you and I know and love. Probably because Artemis wasn’t at home.
“To complete the potion and the rhyme,
I must acquire a few sprigs of thyme.”
“Is this the magic bathwater that’s supposed to make me a guy again?
Zecora only nodded, that is, before she noticed Artemis trying to steal the ingredients.
“At attempts at sabotage I wouldn’t bother,
you’re getting cured one way or another.”
Artemis, or whoever was behind those eyes, almost pouted. “I was almost starting to like- my new features.” It was then that Zecora knew they had to fix him/her sooner rather than later. Something really was very, very, wrong.
A few minutes later the newly un-gender-swapped Artemis rejoined with Twilight and- Holly? In place of Holly was another unicorn mare. She was nut-brown and had a reddish, cropped mane and tail. Her cutie mark was three silver acorns, and her eyes were mismatched like Artemis’, but backwards. It didn’t take a genius to know that this unicorn was the faerie Captain, although a genius was there to point it out anyways.
“You’re a pony.” The aforementioned genius speaking, of course.
“Yes,” mused Holly. “I must admit, it’ll take some getting used to. Especially the part where I’m- a bit exposed.”
Artemis (unless Artemis wasn’t at home, which was entirely conceivable at the moment) smirked. “Well, I for one could learn to live with that.” Yet more evidence that it wasn’t Artemis behind his words.
Twilight stepped in at this point with the intent to get all this weirdness over with. “Cast the spell and be done with it.” was her advice to Holly, and to (not)Artemis: “Sit.” This latter command was reinforced by a binding spell keeping the pale colt from doing otherwise.
Said Holly “I have no idea how to do the spell!”
Retorted Twilight “Just put your horn on his head and focus on memories. Preferably good ones.”
Said the author “The hell am I doing with this weird dialogue format?” and then, “Crap, the readers heard that. That’ll bring the ratings down.”
If the ponies heard the author’s inappropriate self-insertion, they made no action to betray that they did. Instead, Holly did as she was instructed and attempted to cast the memory spell on Artemis. Her horn lit up with an amber light, and she placed it lightly on her friend’s head. Artemis’ eyelids snapped wide open as his life literally flashed before his eyes. Then an intense whiteness enveloped him and shot up into the air and arced of in the general direction of Cloudsdale. When the blinding effect from the flash subsided, the color had returned to Artemis. He was back- right?
“I’d like to apologize for some of the things I said while I wasn’t myself.” Eeyup, definitely Artemis.
“Was it- Orion?” Holly asked worriedly.
“I do not believe that was so. Not entirely, at least.”
Artemis made the decision to return to his own world for the time being and carry on the ‘randomosity’ investigation from his end. Their former forms restored, he, Butler, and Holly followed Major Crest’s men back to Earth. Artemis showed no signs of the complex or discordization, but every once and awhile, he’d get the feeling that some part of him was, well, missing.
Back in the Ponyverse, a small commotion was stirred up in a small corner of Cloudsdale, where something originating from deep within the Everfree and bearing the resemblance of a white comet had made an impact. A minute crowd had gathered around at the sight of this spectacle. As soft gasp ran through the crowd as the from of a pony was illuminated within the crater. Stepping into view was a beige, dashingly dressed pegasus colt. His tux jacket was red, his shirt was salmon, and the pink bow tie around his neck matched the pocket square in his pocket. (Where else would you put a pocket square?) Silver sunglasses hid his eyes.
“Excuse me,” he addressed those who had gathered. “But would any of you happen to know of one Miss Holly Short? I’m looking for her.”
Artemis Fowl and the Elements of Randomosity
S2E1: A Few Well-Earned Explanations
Several days have passed since the incidents of the last chapter. Artemis was making arrangements for a formal expeditionary foray into Equestria. In addition to the things he needed to bring with him, ie, food, clothes, scientific equipment, Artemis was also required to gain a permit to traverse the portal. He would have fain payed his way past regulations, but for the small problem of no one accepting his bribes.
Being forced to wait for the torpid process of bureaucracy to run its phlegmatic course gave Artemis time to contemplate deeply on the matter at hand. He now had time to reflect on a few issues that had not presented themselves in the spur of the moment, when everything was surreal in its shocking newness to him. For instance, there was a distinct lack of conflict where there should have been a language barrier between humans and equines. Throughout his whole time in Equestria, Artemis had been speaking in his native tongue. The young man concluded that unless all ponies spoke Irish as a first language, then they must have something like the faerie gift of tongues to allow for the effortless communication which Artemis had hitherto enjoyed with them. This, combined with the fact that he was able to use the mesmer as a unicorn, added to his suspicions that pony and faerie magic may be related in some distant past.
Another point of interest was the troll that had shown up. It was obviously a species native to the other world, yet it did share several striking characteristics with the variety found on Earth. Artemis made a mental note to ask Twilight’s opinion on the matter, as well as on those of the other similarities he had observed. That would be his first goal once he returned to Equestria, assuming he ever did. He briefly considered his alternatives to waiting for authorization. The permanent portal was housed in the LEP headquarters, and was guarded by LEPtactical officers under the command of Major Thorne Crest. If he and Butler could slip into the vortex, they’d be home free. However, this outcome seemed unlikely, so he decided to appease himself by learning more about this Major Crest fellow. Why was he in charge of the portal operations? Recalling that Holly seemed to know the green-clad elfin major, Artemis decided to start by questioning her.
As it turned out, that day just so happened to be Holly’s day off. This was horribly convenient, so Artemis made haste to take advantage of this opportunity and follow through on his intentions. Having left Haven but once since returning from Equestria, and for a brief time at that, he found his ends easily attainable, in fact, all that was required of him was to acquire transportation. Little difficulty was met in this department, because Foaly had already promised to drive the young Fowl if he needed to go anywhere.
Now he had arrived at his destination. He had never actually been in his friend’s house before, so it was a slightly awkward experience as he approached her front door. Just as he was prepared to knock, he heard a sound emit from the building; a sound like 100,000 people saying “whop”.
“That’s curious.” thought Artemis. “I could have sworn that I just heard 100,000 people say ‘whop’.” It was strange that he should have thought that, because nobody really knows what that sounds like, but nevertheless that was the sound he heard and so that was what he thought. He then proceeded to ring the doorbell. No answer. He rang it again, and waited longer. Still no answer. Finally, he tried the doorknob; it was unlocked, so he let himself in. Holly was nowhere to be found in the house. This was strange, because her Neutrino was still lying on the table, and Artemis knew Holly would never leave without it. This led to the obvious conclusion that she hadn't intended to leave.
She had been abducted.
