A Perfectly Discorderly Day
Fluttershy was awakened by unexpected sounds of movement in her kitchen. She sat up in a panic, afraid that she’d accidently overslept and left Angel and her other animal charges to take breakfast into their own paws. A glance at her alarm clock and the angle of the sunlight through her window informed her that it was actually a few minutes earlier than she usually awoke. She was always among the first in her house to wake up every morning, her critters were usually very patient about waiting for her to prepare their breakfasts, and yet something was bustling around in her kitchen with an industrious racket. Curious and a bit apprehensive, she climbed out of bed, slipped off her nightgown, and went downstairs to investigate. The critter menagerie met her at the foot of the stairs, clearly agitated, and all but pushed her toward the kitchen door. “Oh dear, what is it?” Fluttershy asked, trying in vain to make out anything coherent from the cacophonous squeaking of dozens of mice, squirrels, and bunnies. She nudged the kitchen door open and peered inside. The sight that greeted her caused her eyes to widen and her wings to lock up in utter surprise.
“Gooood morning Fluttershy!” said Discord sunnily, waving his lion’s paw as he cradled a bowl of pancake batter – which was being stirred by an animated spoon – in the other arm and manipulated a skillet on the stove with his tail. He was wearing a chef’s hat and a frilly pink apron. “I hope I didn’t wake you,” he said.
“Um,” Fluttershy said, “Well, as a matter of fact, you did.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Discord said, “Let me make it up to you.” Fluttershy suddenly found herself pulled through the air and set down in a chair at her table. A plate appeared in front of her, and with a flick of his tail Discord launched a short stack of pancakes onto it, quickly followed by a pat of butter and maple syrup. The pancakes then broke apart into neat, bite-sized pieces.
“Thank you,” Fluttershy said, “This looks nice and all but, um, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you in my house?”
“We’re friends, aren’t we?” Discord asked. “Friends don’t need a reason to do nice things for each other.”
“That’s true,” Fluttershy admitted, “but you always have some reason for doing things, and I’d really, really appreciate it if you got to the point quickly. You’re making my animals nervous.” Discord glanced at the kitchen door, where Angel and the rest were gathered to watch the scene. With a snap, he made a pile of seeds and mixed veggies appear in the middle of the main room and closed the door on the critters.
“Let’s talk while we eat,” the dragonequus said, taking a seat across from Fluttershy and setting the mixing bowl on the table. He twirled the spoon, turning it into a fork, and then poked it into the bowl and came out with a few sheets of paper speared on it. “I’ve found I have a fondness for paper,” he said conversationally, “It has an interesting texture and the flavor is never the same twice.”
“Where did that paper come from?” Fluttershy asked before Discord could bite down, “I hope you didn’t take it out of Twilight’s books again.”
“Hm,” Discord said, plucking a sheet off his fork and looking at it. “I’m not sure. Let me see… Ah, it appears to be an old medical record for some creature you took care of.”
“I don’t keep medical records,” Fluttershy said, confused.
“Really?” Discord replied, “That’s odd, it has your name on the letterhead. ‘Patient record for: Stitch. Species: unknown, possibly a rare breed of koala. Distinguishing features: Fluffy blue fur, solid black eyes, wide mouth full of sharp-looking teeth (eats almost anything though), big expressive ears, able to climb walls like a lizard, capable of both two-legged and four-legged movement.’ That doesn’t sound familiar to you?”
“Not at all,” Fluttershy said, shaking her head.
“Curious,” Discord said, and then shrugged and scarfed the paper down. “Guess it won’t be missed then,” he said around the mouthful, and then swallowed. “Anyway, Fluttershy, to get to the point, I’d like to ask you a favor. You see, I’ve been feeling pretty lonesome up in Canterlot lately, and that made me real concerned because when I look at you I don’t see any of the sadness I’ve been feeling, and you’re just as lonely as I am.”
“Um, I’m not-” Fluttershy started to protest, but Discord continued talking right over her.
“Then I realized: you’re surrounded by all these cute little animals. So, I’ve made up my mind. Fluttershy,” he leaned forward and looked her square in the eye, “I want you to find me a pet.”
Fluttershy nearly choked on a piece of pancake. She wasn’t sure why that surprised her so much, but the idea of Discord owning a pet was something she just couldn’t wrap her mind around. She couldn’t just turn him down based on that though; that just wouldn’t be friendly or kind. Still, this wasn’t going to be an easy task.
“I’ll… see what I can do,” she said at last.
“Is this all you’ve got?”
“Sorry Discord,” Fluttershy said, standing between the dragonequus and the line-up of ten or so animals in the yard, “I couldn’t possibly force anyone to be anypony’s pet, so I asked for volunteers, and these are the only ones willing to give you a chance.”
Discord sighed. “Oh, very well,” he said with some impatience, “let’s get on with it then.” He walked down the line, looking at each volunteer as Fluttershy introduced them. First off were a pair of bunnies, who each looked back at Discord with sugary sweet eyes. “Too vapid,” Discord dismissed them both. The third in line was a badger who seemed fearless, until Discord stole its nose. “No sense of humor,” he sighed, returning the nose to its recently fainted owner. Following this were a bat – “Does it come in snozberry? Never mind.” – a toucan – “Oh, touchy. You’re lucky I have fingers to spare.” – and a kitten. On seeing this last, with a stare even emptier than the rabbits’s, Discord glanced down the rest of the line, and then folded his arms and drifted away. “Nice try Flutters,” he said, “but I don’t see anything here that fits my fancy.”
Fluttershy sighed. It had been a long shot anyway. “I’m so sorry Discord. I did try my best, but it was pretty short notice and the animals… Well, you really didn’t leave a good impression on them last time, before you reformed.”
“Well, then,” Discord said, cracking his knuckles, “sounds to me like some attitude adjustments are in order.”
“Discord,” Fluttershy said warningly, “I do not approve of altering any creature’s mind with magic. If you’re going to get on their good side, you’ll do it the right way by being nice to them or you won’t do it at all.”
“Come on Flutters,” Discord replied, “it’s not likely you’ll ever see my pet again once I take it back to Canterlot.” Fluttershy didn’t budge, and her hard stare only became more intense. “Ok, fine,” Discord acquiesced, “I’ll play it your way. I promise.” He held both hands and his tail out so Fluttershy could see he wasn’t crossing anything.
“Good,” the pegasus said, “Now, I need to go into town for a bit and do some shopping. I’m trusting you to behave yourself if you stay here.” She went back into the cottage to get her bags, and then trotted out onto the road into Ponyville.
The Ponyville market wasn’t especially busy at the moment and most of the produce sellers were in a good mood regarding prices. Just the way Fluttershy liked it. All told, in fact, she realized she was having a remarkably good day. Waking up to find Discord in her house had been a shock, but he had served her a breakfast without any little surprises to it and had continued to be a good guest – by his standards at least. It seemed as if the befriending and reformation techniques Fluttershy had employed had actually stuck with the chaos spirit. That revelation, combined with the beautiful weather and friendly market atmosphere, was enough to buoy the pegasus up into low-altitude flight, and she flittered from stall to stall with a light tune on her lips.
“Hey Fluttershy, you look happy.”
Fluttershy, who had closed her eyes briefly to savor the air better, opened them again to see a purple baby dragon waving at her in greeting. “Oh, good afternoon Spike,” she said, “I am having a wonderful day. Thanks for noticing. What are you doing today?”
“Twilight sent me out to pick up some more quills,” Spike answered, “For the second time this week. It’s got me worried to be honest; usually we’d be on our third shipment of the week by now.”
“I hope she’s feeling ok,” Fluttershy sympathized, “That’d be just awful if she was coming down with something. I don’t know if I’d have time to help out, between Discord and-”
“Whoa, wait, what?” Spike exclaimed, “Did you say Discord?”
“Well, yes. He’s at my house right now.”
“Doing what?” Spike asked, concerned.
“He should be trying to befriend one of my animals so it’ll agree to become his pet,” Fluttershy answered.
“A pet,” Spike said flatly, “Discord, the crazy spirit of chaos and disharmony, who scrambles brains for a laugh, wants a pet. Are you sure that’s such a good idea?”
“Pretty sure,” Fluttershy said, “It would be a great step for him toward becoming even more reformed.”
“I don’t buy it,” Spike said, “There’s got to be some other reason he’s shown up. Some new game.”
“I’m hurt,” Discord said, drawing himself up off the ground between Fluttershy and Spike, several clawed footprints running across his body in a diagonal line. “You are partly right little dragon,” he said, “but your lack of trust in my pure intentions still wounds me.” He keeled over dramatically and let his tongue roll out several feet along the road, nearly tripping one pony and causing all the others in the market to stop and stare.
Spike was unimpressed. “So what part am I right about?” he asked.
Discord’s tongue snapped back into his mouth and he popped instantly back to his feet, snatching Spike up in the crook of one arm in the same motion. Pointing toward the distant Canterlot Castle, he said, “In my quest to end my boredom and loneliness, I attempted to charm Princess Celestia’s fiery phoenix, but we got off on the wrong foot and the final result was rather… unpleasant for the Royal Suite. And so,” he finished with a sigh, “I found myself temporarily banished from the castle and still without a little animal companion to call my own.”
“Cry me a river,” Spike grumbled, wriggling out of Discord’s grasp. “If Celestia did kick you out, I say serves you right.”
“Spike!” Fluttershy gasped, “How mean of you!”
“I’m not gonna apologize, Fluttershy,” Spike said, stalking away huffily, “You might think he’s all good now, but to me he’ll always be the guy who turned Ponyville into a nightmare zone and almost took Twilight and you girls away from me!” Discord and Fluttershy watched Spike in silence until he vanished into the crowd, which had cautiously resumed normal market activity.
“I’m sorry about that Discord,” Fluttershy said meekly.
“Oh, no need to apologize,” Discord said lightly, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just had a wonderful idea. Ta ta!” He flew off and vanished before Fluttershy could formulate a reaction.
“Um, ok then,” she muttered to the empty air, “See you later?”
Several hours later, Fluttershy was back at home preparing dinner when there was a knock at her door. When she answered it, she found Twilight on her doorstep, and the young alicorn was looking a bit frazzled. “Fluttershy, good,” Twilight said. She took a long, calming breath and her mane settled slightly. Then she looked at Fluttershy with dread seriousness and said, “Discord’s in town, isn’t he?”
“Uh, yes?” Fluttershy answered uncertainly, “I haven’t seen him in a few hours but… Spike told you, huh? I didn’t mean it to be a secret.”
Twilight shook her head. “I haven’t seen Spike since I sent him out to buy more quills. I was coming up to ask if you’d seen him, and then I saw that on my way up.” She pointed to her right and Fluttershy leaned out the door to look. Next door was an exact duplicate of her cottage, only flipped upside down and with a new dirt road leading up to the front door.
“That wasn’t there the last time I looked,” Fluttershy said in surprise. “So, that’s how you guessed Discord was around,” she added with some sternness. Twilight simply nodded. “I’ll go see what he’s up to.” Fluttershy stepped outside and took flight straight for the inverted cottage door; Twilight was right behind her. They hovered under the porch and knocked on the door, and after a moment Discord’s tail opened it. The tuft of fur on the end pointed at Fluttershy for a moment, then at Twilight, and then shaped itself into a finger gesturing for the two to enter. They did so, and the rest of the dragonequus slid into the room to join his tail, grinning broadly.
“Twilight Sparkle,” he exclaimed with a bow, “what an unexpected pleasure it is for you to grace my humble home away from Canterlot.”
“What?” Twilight said, confused, “You’re here to stay?”
“Mmm… Maybe,” Discord said, lounging on air, “It depends on how long it takes Celestia to let me back into the castle. Oh, by the way, Princess Sparkle, I have something I think belongs to you.” He snapped his fingers and a large pink hamster ball came rolling into the room, propelled from within by a very grumpy-looking Spike.
“Spike!” Twilight exclaimed, running over to the ball and searching frantically for a way to open it. She took a second to glare at Discord and ask, “What’s the big idea kidnapping him like this?”
“He was giving me lip earlier today,” Discord answered, completely unapologetic, “and I decided to see what it was like having a dragon as a pet. I don’t know how you do it Twilight; he’s an absolute terror.”
“Spike isn’t a pet,” Twilight snapped, casting a spell that dissolved the hamster ball and freed Spike, “He’s my number one assistant and first friend, besides family, and he deserves to be treated like any other citizen of Equestria.”
“Ugh,” Discord sighed, “Fine, whatever, just take him back please. I’m sorry.” Spike and Twilight both huffed as he climbed on her back and they both flew out the door.
“So,” Discord began, only to stop when Fluttershy whirled on him.
“I am very disappointed in you Discord,” she said sternly, “I trusted you to behave yourself today. You better find a way to really apologize to Twilight and Spike, or you can forget about me finding you a pet.” She turned away and started stalking toward the door, but Discord reached over and grabbed her shoulder to get her to stop.
“What, exactly, should I do?” he asked.
The library door swung open to admit Discord, ears and horns drooping in a pathetic fashion, with Fluttershy shortly behind him. Twilight and Spike looked up from their work, and held back their first scathing reactions to the intrusion upon seeing Discord’s contrite countenance. “Spike,” the dragonequus said, “My actions toward you earlier were amusing only to myself, and that, apparently, is very, very wrong. Please accept this as a token of my sincere apology.” He held out his hand, tipped it over, and a cascade of gems fell from his palm and piled up on the floor. “They’re quite real,” Discord assured, seeing Spike’s wide but unbelieving gaze on the treasure, “transported direct from some half-abandoned mine just outside Ponyville.”
Spike looked to Twilight, unsure of how to respond. The lavender alicorn in turn looked into Discord’s eyes, and then sighed and said, “Apology accepted. Just don’t ever do something like that again.”
Spike whooped and dived into the gemstone pile. He reemerged sucking a ruby, and after swallowing it said, “I dunno, if this is what being forced to run around in a giant ball for a few hours leads to…”
“Spike,” Twilight chided, a small smile on her lips despite herself.
“Well then,” Discord said, reaching up to straighten his horns, “Now that that’s done, I’ll be on my way.”
“Discord,” Twilight said, “wait a moment.” Discord turned back to look at her with some trepidation. “Word on the street is you’ve been looking for a pet, but you haven’t found one that suits you.”
“Yes,” Discord said, curiosity aroused.
“I got to thinking,” Twilight continued, picking up a book and floating it over to the dragonequus, “Wondering if, maybe, there was some sort of creature out there unusual enough to match your… uniqueness, without being dangerous. There’s nothing in Equestria itself that seemed right, but then I found this book on animals from exotic lands.”
Discord took the book and started reading the page Twilight had turned to. “Duck-billed platypus. Certainly looks strange. Part beaver, part duck, part mole. A… mammal that lays eggs? Well that’s… Wait, it sweats milk? Hahaha! I love it!” He studied the sketch included with the entry, and then snapped his fingers. A platypus materialized in the air and hung motionless as Discord scrutinized it. “Needs more color,” he concluded, and the brown creature turned teal. He set it down on the floor and it started crawling around, snuffling on the floor. “Hm,” Discord said, “Doesn’t do much, does it? Ah well, I can work on that later. Twilight,” He grabbed the librarian and kissed her soundly on the cheek. “Thank you. I won’t forget this.”
“That’s… ok,” Twilight said hesitantly, “It was nothing really. I was hoping you’d fly off to find a real one…”
“Right then,” Discord said, “I’ll be off now then, for real.” He tucked the platypus under an arm, ducked through the library door, and flew away. Twilight, Spike, and Fluttershy stood in the doorway and watched him leave.
“That ended well,” Fluttershy said.
“I hope they’re happy together,” Spike said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Youch!” Discord’s voice echoed through the town, “You little… you stung me? You have a stinger? Oh, a venomous stinger eh? Haha! Wow, that hurts…”
“Yeah,” Twilight said, turning to go back into her house, “They’re going to get along great.”
Author's Note
Yes, I am aware that there are some slight technical inaccuracies in my description of a platypus.
The comments are over-saturated with calling out my reference to Perry the Platypus, so I'm quite satisfied that it's an easy one to spot and I'd appreciate a bit more... variety in future comments. Thank you.
