Introspective Rainbow

by NintendoGal55

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Sex
Length: 6511

Rainbow ponders and tries to understand why she is in love with Fluttershy, but gets no closer to an answer. She just does.

I don't understand it, I don't know what to do. Anytime I try to make sense of this, I can never find an answer. All I know for sure is that I love Fluttershy more than anything.

First person with Rainbow Dash as she ponders elements of her past and present within her dilemma of trying to understand why she loves Fluttershy.

Published 2013-03-12 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-12 20:40:01 UTC

Trying to Understand

Why Fluttershy?

Why do I love her? I don't know why. Sure, I knew how I felt eventually, but I don't understand it. Then again, I'm sure a lot out there wonder why I love her, too. Because I'm such a daredevil, so fast and adventurous, apparently oblivious to love, such a bad cook and apparently such a bad friend, that I can't possibly love Fluttershy. Too slow, too timid, easily traumatized, prefers the ground, all that stuff.

You know, stop White Knighting her. Fluttershy's shy and easily scared, but she's not some porcelain doll. She can handle herself just fine. Sure, I can get protective of her. But only when she actually actually needs it. She needs to step up and be more assertive, and she needs some tough love. So if you really think I'm some cruel and terrible friend to her, get over yourself. I know how to dish out the tough love she needs.

And by the way, I actually can cook. I'm no gourmet Canterlot chef or anything, but I know how to make some basic meals. I don't burn or liquify things that aren't meant to be, and I don't set cereal on fire.

Anyway, pretty much anyone would think that super fast awesome Rainbow Dash wouldn't have a clue about love.

But I know about love just fine. I've had crushes, I've been in love. Correction, I am in love. Sometimes they say that when you love someone you really like, it's a lot harder. They're right, you know. Especially when the one you love is somepony you've known forever. Namely, your best friend. Being in love with your best friend is both awesome in a lot of ways, and yet, it's also terrifying. You just hear so many stories about how best friends get together and then break up for some reason. Most common is, that they never realized how much their best friend changed when being a couple. Not to mention ruining friendships that were once awesome!

Yeah, go ahead and laugh. Rainbow Dash, the daring and fast future Wonderbolt, is afraid of taking a risk. Well, I got news for you. This isn't like mastering a trick. You practice and practice, then you fail. Yeah, it sucks, and I hate when that happens. But you can still pick yourself back up and try again. They say practice makes perfect! At least there, you can start over and try again.

But with relationships, that's taking a gamble. Oh, sure, rejection isn't as bad as everypony says it is. It's just natural pony fear. I've been rejected, and I've had to reject mares before. Oh, did I mention I like mares? Well, there you go. It's out on the table. And go ahead, throw in the “I knew it” responses to the stereotypes. Because I have a rainbow mane and am a tomboy, I MUST be a lesbian!

Screw you. I am who I am! I just happen to prefer mares. It's not that I hate stallions. Come on, that's not it. I'm just not attracted to them in that kind of way. I've tried to date a stallion before. This was at a time that I was trying to deny that I liked mares. Sure, the guy was nice and all, but we just weren't right for each other at all. I wasn't attracted to him at all, and he was trying to get over his ex-girlfriend. He kinda used me just as I was using him. It also had me realize some things, especially in how I wasn't attracted to stallions.

Before, and even after that, I had a lot to deal with when it came to liking mares. For the most part, Cloudsdale was always open. Equestria had legalized same-sex marriage for ages now, so there wasn't much problem with that. Under all of it, were bullies and idiots who didn't understand love. It didn't help that I was a walking stereotype, same with hanging out with Fluttershy all the time.

Oh, Fluttershy...

Darn it! I'm getting ahead of myself.

Before I left Flight School, I was made fun of for being that walking stereotype of liking mares because I was apparently so “butch” to them. Making fun of my crashing was one thing, but that? It kind of hurt. Really hurt. It was bad enough that it was directed at me, but Fluttershy got the short end of the stick as well, since she was my best friend. My only friend, that was why we hung out together all the time. I was sick and tired of her getting involved when she didn't even do anything wrong.

I can remember the sad look in her eyes when she tried to tell me that she'd leave me alone so the teasing would stop. She didn't want to stop being friends, I could tell, but she was still willing to give it up so that I'd be spared. Ugh, I'm getting sappy thinking about it! I won't lie, I felt like crying when that happened. It was the first time I ever realized I could lose Fluttershy somehow. Before that, it never crossed my mind. She was my best friend, the one pony I trusted the most, who was a lot like me and was outcasted. It was a promise we made to each other, to be best friends forever.

Okay, fine. Maybe a couple of tears got in my eyes. So what?! I was young and emotional, okay?

But anyway, I told her right out that I was not going to stop being friends with her. Friends stick together to the end, after all. Frankly, even if she left, they'd still tease me, and find other ways to do that. With or without her. I would rather face them and still have my best friend at my side than to be all alone.

Everything changed after that, and I wish I could say for the better. But in some ways, it just didn't.

I'll confess something here, so you won't pester me about it.

I had a crush on Fluttershy back then. When we got older, and I realized she was hot, I was kinda scared. Thinking of Fluttershy that way just felt so wrong. She was also so innocent and cute, that if I had any “naughty” thoughts about her, I'd feel like the worst pony in the world.

Then came Junior Speedster's Flight Camp, which in itself was pretty darn awesome. This was where I met Gilda, since the camp was also open to all kinds of other flying creatures. Since the Griffin Territories weren't far off from there, it was no wonder one of the campers was a griffin. And she was so COOL! Or, so I thought. But I'm getting ahead of myself again. We bonded over camp, becoming awesome buddies. I actually had someone I could race and fly fast with, which was pretty awesometastic. I know that's not a word, but I don't care, it needs to be! Sometimes awesome or fantastic alone won't cut it. So we became buddies, and yeah, I did end up leaving Fluttershy in the dust sometimes. She never complained, but I see now that she was just hiding it so it wouldn't upset me.

After that, Gilda eventually transferred to Flight School. I was so psyched, going to school with my two best friends? Oh yeah! I felt awesome. I became popular, since she was pretty popular around our classmates once they got over being scared of her. And it was awesome!

Well, not really. I still couldn't stand being there. Flight School was sucky. Not only with the teasing, but nopony understood the way I wanted to fly. It was all about training us to work with flying in the real world as a weather pony, factory pony, the works. I didn't want that. I wanted to be free. To be fast and daring. To be a Wonderbolt. It just wasn't the same! Overall, it sucked.

There was only one thing about it that made it all worthwhile. Fluttershy. She made every day there a lot better. But I had to make a choice. A choice to get the heck out of there, and do what I wanted to do. Even if it meant leaving my best friend behind. Gilda had caught wind of this and persuaded me to go through with it. As well as that, she offered to go with me. For us both to travel together. I was so psyched, and knew it was what I needed to do.

Telling Fluttershy was the hardest part about it. I couldn't do it. I knew I had to, but I knew that if I did, I would never leave. She always has this way of bringing out this other side of me, you know? I knew that if I did face her, I'd have to choose between leaving or staying. And I knew right away that I'd end up choosing her. My best friend, the girl I was trying not to think of in a romantic way.

In the end, all I did was leave her a note telling her that I was sorry.

Leaving on that trip around the world was freaking awesome. I saw so many new places, learned a lot of things, and going with Gilda was great. Seriously, I could write a book about what I'd done during those couple of years!

Hey, that's not a bad idea...

Anyway, back on topic. It was an awesome time and I am so glad I went through with it. But let me tell you, sometimes, and even to this day, I regretted it. Leaving Fluttershy behind was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. And sometimes, at night, I'd lie there in my bed, thinking about her. In fact, any time I was just kicking back and relaxing, all I could think about was Fluttershy. How could I not? She was my best friend, and I was sad about leaving her. I missed her like crazy. Heck, I wished she was there with me! But I knew I couldn't make her do that. She wasn't ready for that kind of thing, and the last thing I wanted to do was put her in an uncomfortable position.

Maybe it was for the best, but in those moments, I hated it. I just wanted to go back home, find her, hug her, and tell her I was sorry. It was no wonder I tried hard to keep doing things and try not to relax sometimes. Sometimes I managed just fine and was able to get through a night without having sad dreams about her. But I knew I had to do what I did, and I couldn't live with regretting my decision. I don't, I really don't. The price I had to pay was just about the worst price, though, that was the real downside of it.

The worst part eventually came when Gilda came on to me. She'd seen that I was missing Fluttershy and did all she could to make sure I'd forget about her. I didn't like that, but I did want my mind taken off things. So we started...doing things while we were on that big adventure. Sure, it was awesome and stimulating, we were like wild animals. It was the best!

Actually, it wasn't. It was painful a lot of the time, considering we were so rough with one another, and just let it all out. While I'll say it was awesome in that regard, and sure was a great way to let off some steam, like we always did with each other... It eventually got to be too much for me. She was too rough. Anytime I wanted her to slow down, she just laughed at me and called me a wimp. I didn't like that, so I'd go up to the challenge of proving I could handle it. Of course I could handle it, but I'm also not a machine. There were times we'd go a few rounds and I'd be dead tired. She'd want to go for a few more, and would complain whenever I protested. Sometimes, I gave in until I fell asleep from exhaustion, and other times she gave up when I refused.

So like I said, it was kinda awesome, but I always felt that something was missing. You'd think that was crazy, since we tried all kinds of things in the sack. But seriously, I just didn't feel satisfied. Physically, maybe, but beyond that, I felt like it was wrong. It didn't make sense.

One time though, I made a huge mistake and called Gilda “Fluttershy” during one round. And it was right as I was...yeah, I don't need to get into that. Gilda was real mad when I did that and accused me of thinking of her. Cornered, I didn't know what to do or what to think, since it was happening too fast. But after that happened, I realized just how much I was thinking of Fluttershy. Even before that, I was aware, but when it came to this, I didn't think it would happen. I realized then that I'd been wondering what it would be like to do...do naughty things with Fluttershy.

On one hoof, like in Flight School, I felt like a louse for thinking that. Not just because I felt Fluttershy didn't deserve that kind of train of thinking, but because I was with Gilda. Was I cheating? Did that count as cheating? Gilda seemed to think so. She even said she'd sometimes heard me saying Fluttershy's name in my sleep, and couple that with all the moping I sometimes did, I guess it's no wonder she got angry.

I felt pretty bad at the time for that. Especially since I started thinking about making love to Fluttershy after that. It never left my mind! Whether it was because I was falling for her, or because I wanted to have gentler lovemaking, I have no idea. All I knew was that I couldn't stop thinking about it. How I'd kiss Fluttershy sweetly, hold her tight, play with her wings, and just make her feel so good. Then I'd lie her down on the bed, kissing her neck and shoulders, caressing her entire body with my hooves, and hearing her moan beneath me. Then I'd make sweet love to her and-

I'd better stop thinking about that.

But anyhow, I felt terrible for all that. Like I was the worst pony in the world, even. After it happened, Gilda and I were fighting by that point. Not just over that, but because we were in such close proximity with one another and never really got a break. Not to mention, she was way too overbearing on me and I got sick of it. We decided to break it off, and figured that if we ever saw each other again, we'd start over and just be friends.

Yeah, THAT went well. I even found out that not only did she cause some trouble in Ponyville, but she had tormented Fluttershy back in the day. Well, when I found that out, I flipped and asked why she never told me. Fluttershy had said that it was because Gilda threatened to hurt her, and given her size, talons and beak...I can't say I blame her. Still, I hadn't realized that had been going on under my nose the entire time. Gilda had always been nice to me, and not to anyone else she didn't consider “cool”. It was no wonder, she never said one nice thing about Fluttershy, and had held back just because she was my friend. But I realized she was just a bully to anyone she didn't think was cool, especially to ponies. When I saw how she treated Pinkie, it was all I needed know.

I guess I can't truly hate her, either. She was a good friend at the time, and she did give me a taste of sexual experience. She even understood my dreams and tried to help me with it all. We had great times, and it's kind of hard to forget that. All of it did mean something, it really did. And I know, on some level, she did love me. I know I did, too. The love was kinda there all along, it just couldn't save what we had.

But when I found out she threatened Fluttershy like that, I was really mad. It had hurt Fluttershy, and it hurt me too. I wouldn't even be surprised if part of her motivation for our world traveling was because she was jealous. Even she had once asked me if Fluttershy and I were dating, to which I told her we weren't. But if she were jealous, it'd make sense.

Still, I'll never forgive her for what she did to Fluttershy or to Pinkie. Threatening them just because they were my friends too was NOT cool. I couldn't believe I'd been blind to that before!

In the end, I know I made the right choice. I chose Fluttershy, I chose Pinkie, I chose all of my friends over her. Because I knew they were true friends. Of course that was the last time I'd seen her, and frankly, good riddance. Twilight said that having someone toxic in your life isn't the best idea, and so I knew I'd made a good decision about it. Gilda may have loved me, maybe I once loved her in some kind of way, but it wasn't enough to save what we had.

I think it's better that she's out of my life. For good this time.

Anyway, so back then, after I went back to Cloudsdale, I eventually located Fluttershy. She was in a small town some ways down below on the ground, Ponyville. By then, I needed a job and a place to live, so I went there. Sure enough, the town did have a weather division of pegasi, and were looking for new recruits. Given my skills, I sure showed them what I could do, and I was hired on the spot. When I found Fluttershy, I was amazed. She was finally making a choice and living the life she wanted all along. Living in a quaint cottage on the ground, surrounded by nature, and being able to take care of animals whenever she pleased. I was so happy for her, and so glad she'd managed to keep going even after I left. I never doubted her, I knew she was stronger than she herself knew, but I did hope she would be okay.

I was terrified of facing her, though. After what I'd done, I hated myself for it, and felt like the worst kind of friend. I was afraid she'd hate me, and expected that. Despite it, I did want to apologize and let her know how sorry I was. But when she saw me again, she hugged me and said she was so glad to see me. I don't think I let go of her for a good five minutes. After that, I didn't get a chance, I was scared. I wondered if maybe, she put it all behind her and that being reminded of it would make her angry. I didn't want to ruin anything for her.

Eventually, though, I finally did get to talk to her about it. Before that, our friendship was strained. Trust me, I wish I knew why. I'd felt so weird at the time, and not to mention the entire tension of the situation. I wasn't even that nice to her sometimes. Especially during that one time we were going up against a dragon. Ugh, I hate thinking of that. Maybe I really was afraid, and didn't know what else to do. I was even afraid of my own feelings. I didn't want to hurt her again, and yet, I ended up doing that.

But when I told the adorable Cutie Mark Crusader squirts about how I got this baby, my cutie mark, of course, it all changed. Not only was I closer to my friends, but I was closer to Fluttershy than ever. I never truly knew the crux of how she got her cutie mark until then. Wow. Defending her honour was not only awesome, but it turned out even better.

It was that night that we finally got to talk and our friendship rekindled. We just talked and talked about it all, and I nearly got on my knees to apologize to her. Fluttershy was sad, and even a bit angry for some reason, but she was just glad we could be friends again. It felt awesome to get all of that off my chest, and to finally make it up to her. Plus, the fact she forgave me and wanted to give me another chance was really something I'd never felt before. Some say it's like you're falling in love all over again.

After that, our friendship just got better, kinda like back in the old days. It was awesome! We started hanging out a lot more, she'd been the one to help me realize that Tank was the perfect pet for me, and we even went up against an army of Changelings! Yeah, longer story...

Point is, everything was great after that. I had my best friend back, I had great friends, I lived in a pretty awesome cloud home, I had a good job... Yeah. I think I did make the right choice back then. Seeing the world was great, and I finally got to settle down in a great place, still working to my ultimate dream.

Maybe the price of leaving my best friend behind back then was the worst feeling in the world, but at least everything got better. I was so happy, and boy I still am. Things were going great.

But you know, I still wonder a lot of things when it comes to love. Why Fluttershy?

How can I possibly be in love with her? Can I make her happy? Can she make me happy? Can we be happy together? What if it happens again? What if we love each other, but we're not right for each other? I don't know if I can go through that again. Even worse, I wouldn't want to put Fluttershy through that. That's if she even likes me back! She was always my best friend, everything we did together was because we were friends. Sure, I knew I loved her, but that didn't mean I stopped being her best friend. That's what we are. Best friends.

I can't ruin that. I can't ruin what we've always had. She's my best friend, and I already lost her once. I nearly ruined our friendship forever, and I can't do that again. Frankly, I'd rather lose my chances being lovers with her than losing her as my best friend. There's just too much risk.

Love really is hard to understand, isn't it. What do I do? Keeping this all inside is making me crazy. Yet, I know it's the safest way. What if I tell her, and she rejects me? Okay, sure, I'm gonna be sad. I won't pretend it won't hurt me a lot. Then what? Are we still friends? Or is she just going to distance herself from me, because she'll know I love her? I know Fluttershy, she's going to feel sad and guilty. I can't let her blame herself for it, it wouldn't be her fault. Frankly, I'd rather she be honest with me.

I just can't risk it. I can't do this to us. If I never tell her, it won't matter, right? She'll move on and find somepony else. Maybe I will too. Or maybe I won't. It's fine. As long as she's still in my life, that's all I want.

Still, why Fluttershy? Why her? Why'd I have to fall in love with my best friend?

It's funny. We do a lot of things together that I know we don't do with our friends. That's weird.

Fluttershy and I snuggle a lot when we're alone. We'd done that since we were fillies. I can hug all my friends no problem, group hug or not, but with Fluttershy, it's so weird. I never really thought about it before, I just knew I was comfortable with our hugs and snuggles. Sometimes she gives me a kiss on the cheek or forehead, she did this a lot when we were young, and it was only recently that she started it again. Especially since the Royal Wedding! Heh heh, yeah, I like to give her a kiss too sometimes. Shut up! Don't start laughing!

I just can't do that with the other girls. It feels too weird. Like a line I really shouldn't cross, you know? And it never crossed my mind, either, so it didn't even matter. They never have either, and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with that. I do like my friends a lot, I really do, and I'd do anything to help them if I can... But yeah, kissing them? It'd be like kissing the Wonderbolts. I just don't think of them that way.

For some time, I always thought it was because I was just that comfortable with Fluttershy, that she was a special kind of best friend, or even like a sister. Family members kiss each other, right? Kinda sorta, depends on what you're comfortable with. I didn't even think about our affection to each other, they just felt normal and natural.

Plus, can I help it if Fluttershy is just such a snuggler? It's kinda cute. Really cute. I can't help but really like it when she snuggles. Then again, Fluttershy really is just that sweet. Ever have a full body hug? I have. It's the best!

I also place my wing over her back sometimes, even for no reason. I used to do it out of some kind of way to show I'd protect her, just to comfort her. This was when we were younger, and even today I sometimes do it. She doesn't mind, and in fact I think she likes it! I can't do that for my other friends. Not to say I wouldn't protect them, because I would. But I guess I've always been like a protector to Fluttershy, so it just kind of stuck. I don't really do it in public unless necessary, though. When we're alone, that's usually when I give her some wing hugs.

What? Can't I enjoy cuddling?

Love is so freaking weird sometimes.

Our friends tease us sometimes about being a couple. Especially Rarity and Pinkie, they're just all over the place with it. Sure, we deny it, but I think it just goads them on even more. I actually asked why they say that, and Rarity pointed out some things they see us do, and that we have a lot of chemistry. I had no idea why she was bringing science into this, but then Fluttershy later explained that it was interpersonal chemistry. Attraction, similarity, familiarity, and all that stuff.

Great. If I announce how I feel about Fluttershy to Rarity or Pinkie, there's going to be one big “I knew it!” celebration.

But anyway, it's kind of annoying, since I don't think Fluttershy is comfortable with it. Sure, they do it in good fun and aren't out to hurt us with it, but seriously. It's practically rubbing in my face! I sit there and deny it, while deep down I'm thinking “I wish”, and then feeling bad for thinking that since I wouldn't want Fluttershy to feel bad.

It's nice they think we're cute together, I guess.

Would it even work out? Seriously, I have the worst luck falling in love. I just can't wrack my brain around why I love Fluttershy. Sure, I can talk about everything I love about her and how awesome she is, but what then? Those are just true facts. All that mushy stuff piles up in my head before I push it off, I'm no good at that. I just can't think straight! I want to take her out on dates, I want to say sweet mushy things to make her smile, I want to make her laugh, I want to go flying with her... Yeah... It'd be awesome.

But don't I already do that?

Well, except I don't do romantic stuff. Well, except for cuddling, putting my wing over her, preening her wings, letting her preen mine... I guess all that I don't do is kiss her. Well, I kinda do, just not on the mouth like couples do.

Well, what do couples do on dates? Hang out, go to movies, spend time at each other's houses, go places, play games? ...That's what friends do too, right? So why's that any different? It's all spending time together, the same kind of thing. Doesn't matter if you're in love or friends.

Darn it! I'm so confused!

We do all that stuff, but we're friends, friends do all that! Sure, there are some things I do with Fluttershy that I wouldn't do with my other friends, but come on! What's going on here?!

Okay, gotta focus. Fluttershy.

You know, she really is so cute. Beautiful, even. She'd always been so adorkable and had this cute combination of colours and facial expressions. When we got older, I kinda started realizing how attractive she was. Especially for...you know, sexual reasons. I can't help it, my hormones went nuts and I got a ton of wing boners because of her! Even today it's tough keeping my wings down and for them to stop flapping...

But I can't just go on about her looks. It's everything about her. She's really sweet, kind, gentle, and just has a huge heart. Sure, she gets too shy and afraid to speak up, not to mention needing some serious help with her confidence and assertive issues. But that's why I'm here, I help her any way I can. Heck, I've done that for a long time, and I know she tries hard. Even with her flaws, she's still awesome in her own way. She's great with animals, even that little spawn of a rabbit... But I digress. Fluttershy just knows how to make everyone around her feel good, feel calm and just relax. She listens to you, and even if she can't give good advice about something, she at least tries to understand. Ever since I knew her, she really understood me better than anypony I know.

It's funny. I feel I can really be myself with her, and not have to act like an awesome and cool hero. I wish I could let my walls down even further, but it's so hard. Still, with what we have, it feels great to open up to her because I know she won't laugh or make me feel bad. Fluttershy was always a very compassionate pony, and I think I learned a lot from her. I still am, you know! It's pretty awesome that we can teach other things! Even today, kinda like the way Twilight says you never stop learning.

To put it simple, Fluttershy is pretty inside and out. Especially inside.

Still though, she really is beautiful. No wonder, she wasn't a model for nothing. Oh man, I remember those days. I know she hated it, and believe me, I hate myself for what I did sometimes.

Don't tell anyone this.

I kept some of her prints and magazines with her on the covers. I still keep them in a box in my closet. Gah! I can't help it! Fluttershy looked awesome in those outfits, and the way she was acting like herself, all shy and nervous of the spotlight...they felt so real. Even with the clothes dumped on her that I knew she'd never be caught dead in. She still looked great in them. Even if the clothes didn't, she was still cute. They went on saying she was so graceful and shy, which was perfect for her. Can't help but agree, she really is graceful. I don't think I've ever seen a pegasus practically dance in the air like she does!

I even helped endorse her sometimes. Only because she asked me to, and I agreed to it. I would have anyway, but I also didn't want to betray her, since I knew she hated it so much. So yeah, I helped her out. I can't help it! I was proud of her and yet I was concerned at the same time.

The worst of it was that I had ponies approach me, but only to get to Fluttershy. Sure, I admit that was pretty annoying for me, but I felt even worse for her. Of course, I got so mad one time, especially when a stallion was thinking of trying to ask her out, and just told them all to buzz off and leave her alone. They got defensive and said I was being a jerk for keeping her away from her “Adoring Fans”.

Ha! I sure told them a thing or two after that.

Man, I just hope she never finds that box in my closet... I really should get rid of them, but I just can't!

Why do you do this to me, Fluttershy? Why? What am I saying, it's not your fault. I can't help that I'm in love with you. I'm sorry, snuggy-wuggy.

I did not just say that.

What am I gonna do? I want to ask her out so much, and yet, I'm terrified of doing that. I love her, but I don't want to lose her as my friend. Should I take that risk? Isn't life about taking risks?

What if she does like me? What if me being a stupid coward makes me lose my chances forever? What then? I have no idea.

I don't understand it, I don't know what to do. Anytime I try to make sense of this, I can never find an answer. All I know for sure is that I love Fluttershy more than anything.

Well, Twilight told me I can do that “Write a letter but never send it” trick. That might help. I'll write a letter to Fluttershy, but never send it. I'll bear my soul, I'll get sappy. It won't matter because she'll never see it! Perfect!

Dear Fluttershy,

This isn't gonna be easy for me to say, but I just have to let it all out. I can't hold it in anymore.

I love you. I'm in love with you.

Yeah, you read that right. I've been in love with you for who-knows-how-long. I can't even remember myself. I just know that I love you.

I just couldn't tell you because, I'll be honest. I'm afraid. I really don't want to lose you or mess things up between us. Our friendship means the world to me, it always has. Since we were fillies, you were the best part of my life. My best friend in the world. You were always there for me, always helping me, and you always understood me in a way nopony else did. Back then, you were the only friend I ever had. Seriously, I can never thank you enough for everything.

I know I already apologized for leaving, practically abandoning you, and I'm still so sorry for that. When I said I missed you like crazy and wished you were there with me, I meant it. And I still do. Believe me, I still regret it. But at the same time, I'm thankful for everything that came since then.

Also, I was with Gilda at the time. I know I eluded to us getting intimate and stuff, but it's the truth. We were courting, so to speak. But at the same time, there wasn't much. It was just lust. There was just no real romantic spark. I knew she loved me, and I did love her in some way. But she wasn't you. She was never you. She was fast, adventurous and daring like me, but beyond that, I never felt with her like I always did with you. I knew something was missing. You were missing. I felt so alone sometimes, and all I could think about was you. The guilt was eating me alive. Sure, the adventure was awesome, don't get me wrong. It didn't ruin anything for me. I just felt sad sometimes. But yeah, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you.

If I was in love with you back then, and I'm sure I was, I'll bet that was it.

I'll bet you're wondering why I love you, right? I can't explain it. I don't even understand it myself. Trust me, it's just not something I can answer. All I know is how I feel.

I want to be with you, Fluttershy. I'd love to date you, to kiss you, and just love you. You deserve it so much, and nothing would make me happier than to make you feel loved.

But I don't know how you feel. I don't know what to do now. I want to tell you, to ask you out so much. But I'm terrified of losing you. I just can't do it if I lose you. You're too important to me. That's why I never said anything. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable around me.

And yeah, I'm scared of rejection. It'll hurt, of course it'll hurt. But what'll be even worse is if you don't want to be my friend anymore.

I don't expect anything to come from this, Fluttershy. All I want is for us to still be in each other's lives. I nearly lost you forever one time, and I'm terrified of that happening again. Especially over this. I don't want to lose you, but if you really would rather not be my friend anymore, I'll understand.

But anyway, I just wanted you to know the truth. That's all.

Thanks for everything. You're my best friend, and honestly, the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Thank you, Flutters. I love you so much.

Your loyal friend,
Rainbow Dash

~X~

Fluttershy stared with wide eyes at the letter, her cheeks turning bright pink.

Author's Note

I was inspired by some elements from Souldin's "Magnetism!" and also Jake Roberts' "Relatively Safe Liasons" for some things in this. Plus a combination of my own headcanon elements, which usually depend on the story sometimes.

All of that culminated into a one-shot about Rainbow Dash trying to understand why she loves Fluttershy, thinking of past events, and still having no clue what to do. The ending came on the spot, and I figured it would be interesting.

And yes, I'm sick of that "Rainbow can't cook" cliche now.

So, what do you think? :D