Hostile Takeover: Capitalism Reigns Supreme

by An hero

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2745

Taking over Equestria is easy. All you need is America.

[Second person] [Human in Equestria]. A quick one-shot satirical story that illustrates the general ease of taking over Equestria.

Published 2013-03-14 19:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-14 19:30:01 UTC

Hostile Takeover: Capitalism Reigns Supreme

Hostile Takeover: Capitalism Reigns Supreme

Step One- Preparation

So you’ve been in Equestria for a week or two. Your house was teleported with you, and you’ve seen the local residents. You’re not that impressed. Pfft. Talking horses, they’re all really racist too. So yeah, anyways, you’re American because it’s the only country on Earth. Being American, it’s only natural that your obese, racist, Bible-thumping militant, ignorant, Republican parents believed in the God given right to bear arms. So naturally, you have guns in your house. A lot of guns. Like a Texas amount of guns. Anyways, you, being a white, American imperialist, have decided to educate them on the teachings of white Jesus, after you ~~take all their oil~~ civilize them.

You walk around your house, gathering supplies. “First, I’ll accuse them of terrorism!” You exclaim. “And then, if that doesn’t work, I’ll say they have weapons of mass destruction!” You pause for a moment, raising a fried-chicken grease covered finger to your chin, thoughtfully rubbing it. “But first, I’ll have to get a tan and change my last name to something more hispanic to appeal to the latino population!”

You walk into your room and spray yourself with spray on tan, making certain to spray under your thick man-boobs and behind your ears. You now looked like a giant Oompa Loompa, minus the green hair. You slick your hair back with Axe hair gel and sprayed yourself with Axe body spray (because dry-stick deodorant is for pussies), and take a look in the mirror. Satisfied that you looked like someone out of Jersey Shore (cuz bitches love them Jersey Shore douchebags), you pull on a #yoloswag420 t-shirt and pull your pants below your fat ass. Putting a hat on backwards, the words “I’m sexy and I know it” emblazoned on its rim, you stuck a blunt between your lips and waddle into your kitchen, your thick rolls of fat jiggling with every step.

You walked to your fridge and grabbed a quesadilla from Taco Bell, it was green with ~~mold~~ vegetables, and had ~~flies~~ floating particles of ground beef around it. You remembered the Taco Bell clerk’s words in that thick Taco Bell accent of his ‘Escuse me senor, I’d be careful, that meat is grade F. It can cause adverse side effects.’ You scoffed the drive through boy off, waving a hand out of the window of your Hummer. ‘I only eat Taco Bell, Pedro! I don’t speak it!’ You remembered laughing patriotically before you drove off with your foot to the floor in your gas guzzling beast. Your car’s automatic driving feature was the best, now you could text while driving. You pulled out your iPhone Galaxy S95 and pulled up Facebook with your 4G internet. You drove past a mammoth American female who was as equally morbidly obese as yourself, and checked her ass out, pulling your aviator sunglasses down to the bridge of your nose, you gave her the look (you know, the one that got you the restraining order with Chuck Norris)? She scoffed at you and began stomping in your general direction, leaving small craters in the concrete sidewalk with every step. Man, they sure don’t make sidewalks like they used to. Anyways, as she was defacing public property, you flexed your rolls of blubber biceps, and she pepper sprayed instantly fell in love with you and your patriotism.

Automatic driving is a bitch. Your Hummer crashed straight into your house and you got teleported to Equestria because that’s where all good, God-fearing, Christian, American Republican, humans go.

After swallowing the quesadilla whole, you immediately began feeling those adverse effects Pedro was talking about. Your bowels began contracting and burning with the fury of Hell. A quick trip to the bathroom and a very patriotic shit later, you tried step out of your lavatory, only to get stuck in the doorway. After praying to Jesus and Uncle Sam, you were finally released from the death grip your apparently Muslim doorway had on you. You would have to fix it later.

Anyways, you decided to scope out the enemy terrain. You grabbed twenty Big Macs and shoved them into your pockets. The light meal would keep you sated for a few hours. Then, you reached for your civilian-issued handgun and assault rifle, just in case you ran into any ~~Arabs~~ ~~Muslims~~ people of terrorist descent.

The Everfree Forest wasn’t scary in the least, you had your AR-15 with you, and years of playing Call of Duty had made you into a seasoned rifle expert. You ran into a manticore and blew its brains out because it probably came from Mexico to steal your jobs and your white women. You jumped on it and began eating it with the stick of butter you always carried.

Afterwards, you were ambushed by a pack of timberwolves. Being American, the eagles of the forest all worshipped you and immediately came to your aid. They rained freedom and patriotism down upon the timberwolves. The eagles all saluted you before flying off.

You continued your reconnaissance mission, that is, until you fell into a giant hole and broke all three of your legs. Twice.

You felt hopeless, here you were on non-American soil, in a hole in the middle of a planet of talking horses, with broken legs! You prayed to Jesus and Uncle Sam (but not Buddha, because he’s probably secretly a liberal) that your legs would be miraculously healed and that you could walk again.

Suddenly, you were visited by the Eagle Spirit, and Jesus. “Greetings, my child,” the Eagle Spirit said, “I am America, the Spirit of Freedom. I've been so moved by your Christian love for America that I've come with Jesus to bestow upon you the Gift of Capitalism. Bend over my child, close your eyes and open your mouth. You’ll feel something strange, but I promise you, the President said it was cool, and it’s not homosexual in the least.”

A manly tear rolled down your cheek. You were honored to receive such a glorious gift. You quickly bent yourself at your hips, sticking them out while your stomach dragged against the ground, and made an ‘O’ shape with your mouth. You felt a sharp pain in your bunghole, and a strange, meaty object in your mouth, it tasted like freedom, and heterosexual marriage. A few moments later, America and Jesus flew off, and your legs were healed.

Step Two- Enlistment

You walked next to a grotto and slipped and fell from all the bacon grease below your three hundred dollar Reeboks. Your elephantine body began plummeting in slow motion, you released a ~~nasally~~ deep, ~~high-pitched~~ slow, “No” as you slowly collided with the Liberal Water of Homosexuality. A massive gout of water flew into the air as your colossal body broke the surface tension of the water. A massive slap echoed throughout the grotto as the water you displaced flooded it and the surrounding area. The flood lasted for forty days and nights, absolving the inhabitants of this world of their sin.

Soon, the water that you caused to fly out came seeping back into the grotto, lifting you with the help of your buoyant force (fat floats, muscle murders, mkay?). You came out of the Jewish waters, only to come face to face with a copy of yourself. “I’m a copy of you.” Your clone said.

A diabolical plan began forming in your head and you patriotically began cackling. Soon, this world would be covered in freedom. You jumped into the pool repeatedly, each time meeting another copy of yourself. Soon, a line had formed outside the cave, all of them copies of yourself, all of them, armed with patriotic guns of capitalism.

“Hey, what are we doing?” One of your many copies asked.

“Because Jesus, and they don’t have McDonalds here.” You replied.

Soon the entirety of your army was up in arms. The poor creatures, they did not have McDonalds, how could such an injustice be allowed to exist? You all promptly marched back to your home and entered your Hummer. You seated as many of your clones inside as you could, which wasn’t much seeing as that you all were morbidly obese, and drove into the cloning pool. Soon, the cloning cave was full of Hummers and patriots, and guns. You hung a Confederate flag from your Hummers’ antennae and drove towards what you believed to be the nearest source of civilization, quoting Bible verses the entire way, with a fleet of Hummers in tow.

Soon, you arrived at the town known as Ponyville. A small, fluffy looking yellow pegasus with a pink mane flew up to your army. She was so cute you probably would have gotten diabetes if you didn’t already have it. Using the powers of Jesus, you immediately hypnotized her with your godly American charm. She sat in your passenger seat. You and your army drove into Ponyville and began shooting things. Soon, a gay purple unicorn came out to magic blast you, but Hummers are OP so they did nothing and you ran over her for Jesus and America. Eventually, the town’s government fell, and you imposed your own rule upon it. Taking down their national flag, you replaced it with the flag of your country, two golden arches on a red background. Then, you got one of your clones to start handing out Bibles to everypony and to teach them all the values of Jesus Christ and the sins of homosexuality, abortion, and Mexicans.

Step Three- Conquest

Soon, you drove your army of Hummers and Americans to Canterlot. The Princesses, awestruck by your sheer sexiness and Capitalism, immediately offered themselves to you. You obliged them, more than willing to spread the Spirit of America. You were immediately crowned the President of Equestria, neigh the whole world, and then you impregnated every mare (but not the stallions because that would be gay and communistic) with freedom.

Step Four- Maintenance

Soon a North Korean black cloud of smoke flew over your America’s newest city, and a gay unicorn (because unicorns are gay and blasphemous Job 34:3) made of homosexuality emerged from it. “Blargh, Mlhargh, Crystals” The gay unicorn covered in white towels coughed once before it spoke yet again in a thick, refined accent “A bas le tyran! Vos villes va tomber, mais pas avant que le flux rues avec le sang des non-croyants! Bow devant moi créature, parce que bientôt votre royaume et vos vierges seront à moi! LALALALALA DEATH TO EQUESTRIA!”

You pulled out your handgun and shot it in the face. It died and soon you were surrounded by mares and stallions begging for more information on Ronald Reagan. As you were about to begin bestowing your knowledge on the mares (not the stallions, because again, that’d be gay), you were interrupted by Pony Joe Biden and Pony Bill O’Reilly.

“I want you to be on my pony TV show, you can’t explain that.” Pony Bill O'Reilly said, prostrating himself before you.

“Uhhh, sure,” You replied.

Rainbow Dash was watching some straight porn on TV when suddenly Bill O’Reilly. “I’m interrupting your program for a special word from the President of Equestria.”

You appeared on the screen next to pony Joe Biden, a very solemn and patriotic look on your face, you opened your mouth to begin speaking “My fellow Equestrians, I have, uh, some shit to tell you. I know one president that’s getting some anal from Celestia tonight. Bitch, I got him. Saw a gay unicorn out in Canterlot, and shot him in the dome. And told him there you go, I got him yo.”

Pony Joe Biden cleared his throat to interrupt you. “Mr.President, you’ve just successfully killed Pony Osama Bin Laden, what should we do next?” He asked.

You raised a deep-fried bacon filled hand to your chin, rubbing it in contemplation while thoughtfully pursing your lips (you definitely weren’t eating the bacon). After a few moments, you finally opened your mouth to begin speaking yet again. “Well, I know this Prince Blueballs. He’s living like a king. He don't do shit, he just sit, shit, and get shit for free. How the hell are you gonna let him pay for his shit with the money he took from you. Mother fucker, let him pay for it. I say we blow that bitch up like Pakistan and Osama Bin Laden.”

The ponies around didn’t know who Pakistan was, but they immediately began clapping.

“We can all rest assured that Celestia will be giving me a blow job tonight...with her mouth this time.” You said, raising a Christian finger to accentuate your point.

All the ponies present gave you standing ovations, and soon, all the transexual ponies became impregnated as well (it’s cool cuz they have vaginas).

Step Five- Capitalism

You decided to visit Ponyville because you were told it was full of ~~rednecks~~ ~~hicks~~ ~~Republicans~~ Americans. You were immediately surrounded by every mare and transgender female in the town, all of them carrying your offspring. When asked what you thought would be good names for the babies, you reminded the mares to get them circumcised so the kids wouldn’t turn Jewish or Islam.

Your entourage of ponies began clearing a path for you through the sea of pregnancy. You walked about the town while carefully inspecting all of the buildings. You came upon what looked like a giant tree, a purple dragon standing outside,crying gay purple dragon tears.

“Hey faggot dragon, what’s up?” You asked.

“My gay, unicorn, Muslim, homosexual, liberal, ~~satan-worshipper~~ Democrat, communist, Arab, Jewish, black, Mexican, Chinese Sister got killed a few days ago by that fat sexy American dude. I’m crying because I wish I was as awesome and sexy as him, maybe then Rarity would love me.”

You placed a comforting hand on his faggot dragon shoulder. “Sorry kid, but she’s carrying my child, and regardless of how detrimental it might be to her health, or how deformed the child might be, she’s going to deliver it and will never get an abortion, because it’s a sin.”

The gay purple dragon immediately began crying tears of homosexuality and ran off, never to be seen again. You turned to face your entourage. “Yeah, I want this Arab shit taken down and replaced with a Taco Bell.”

You continued walking through Ponyville, it’s pregnant occupants turning to bow and wave to you as you passed (because all non-Americans bow to Americans upon seeing them).

You walked to a building that looked like it was made of gingerbread and swallowed it whole, it’s fine though, you already have Type-1 Diabetes and low blood pressure. “I want a McDonalds here.” You said, gesturing towards the building with your thumb, “And make sure they always have the McRib!”

Step Six-Reaganomics

Celestia galloped up to you, pregnant with your 42nd child, she insisted that you never get any of them aborted because Jesus. “They found oil in Saddle Arabia!”

“Cool,” you said, “We’ll just say that they have Al Qaeda and ~~send in drones to kill people who might be civilians~~ spread freedom in Pakistan before ~~invading them for their oil~~ teaching them about the love of Jesus.” You immediately declared the War of Terror and had your armies invade the Pony Middle East.

Step Seven- Farewell

After ruling over Equestria for all of 37 minutes, you died of a ~~heart attack~~ suicide bombing by a terrorist while trying to protect a small blonde white girl (even though you’re the only human in Equestria). The entirety of your army died heroically as well. The Pony Middle East became engulfed in flames and corpses as the fires of ~~war and conquest~~ capitalism and justice spread to it. Rainbow Dash eventually died of the gay plague AIDS. Spike was later found in the midst of a gay jewish orgy, he was promptly hanged. Applejack, being the embodiment of Americanism, soon became the next ~~dictator~~ president of Equestria. Rarity died in childbirth. Fluttershy found out that she was actually Nieghxican, and immediately went to live out the rest of her days in Taco Bell. Pinkie Pie died of a coronary artery blockage. Six months afterwards, your unholy army of pony/human hybrid offspring were born, they all grew to enslave the equine race, and soon took over the world.

Author's Note

Well, this was me clearing my writer's block.