Escape From Tau Volantis

by The Gunny

Chapters

Prologue
The not so great Escape: 200 Years Earlier
ARE YOU A SPY!/ Wodka + Pony = Headache

Prologue

“Hey Isaac!” Carver shouted as he rummaged through old files and papers

“What? Find anything useful?” Isaac said as he lowered his Plasma Cutter for a moment.

“Well I found a few files on some SCAF guys that may have survived the cleanse order” Carver said

“Might have? What do you mean ‘might’?” Isaac said walking over.

“Well these files here all list them as going missing minutes before the order was issued.” Carver continued

“Well does it say where they went missing? Like they escaped or something?” Isaac asked looking behind them.

“No but I found another file about a personnel shuttle that was taken at the same time.

“That musta been them... Guys didn’t wanna die like the rest I guess.” Isaac chuckled.

“Yeah and if they cared this much to kill them they must’ve had some serious firepower.”

“Yeah... Hey look here.” Isaac said picking up a file and showing it to Carver. “It’s a list of missing weapons that were found earlier before the order.”

“What the fuck is a ‘Vladimir’s Peacmaker’?” Carver said reading the list

“Well I guess we can’t assume it’s a christmas decoration for his mum now is it?” Isaac said sarcastically. “Wow... Why is a flamethrower missing?”

“This is a long list, Guns, grenades, medkits...”

“Ice Axes and chocolate bars?” Isaac said looking at Carver.

“Makeup? Steroids?”

“Party poppers? Where do you even get those?” Isaac said looking over the list.

“What the fuck were these guys up to?”

“Hey here is a recording!.... Who names their kid... Alucard?” Isaac asked.

“Hippies and freaks.” Carver said looking over the files, the name ‘Vladimir’ cuaght his eye.

“Right... Let’s listen.” Isaac said pressing play. The recording hummed to life as someone said.

“Right recording one for mental health status of miner Alucard... Now alucard how are you?” The person said.

“I am feeling great! I don’t know why everyone else is trying to kill each other though... Kinda makes me laugh!” Alucard said chuckling.

“I told you this guys fucking nuts.” A man with a thick russian accent said in the background

“Oh pfff. Like I purposefully killed my mining boss! I told you that guy I stabbed did it! I juat watched!” Alucard argued.

“He’s a section eight if i’ve ever seen one!” the same russian voice said

“Enough!.... Now. Alucard. What happened?” The person befroe said.

“Well the boss was saying something when this guy screaming came out of nowhere and pushed him into the grinder! He started coming for me, but I took this axe here!... And stabbed him fifty eight times in the chest!... Then lit him on fire!” Alucard said happily.

“This guy sounds like a fucking nutcase.” Carver muttered

“Yeah no kidding. Wonder if he was one of the people that lived...” Isaac said.

“Lets see..... Alucard is on the list along with a guy named Vladimir. Think that Ruskie we heard was him?”

“Probably. Wait there is more.” Isaac said as the recording continued.

“Recording four hundred and thirty three.” The same person from the last recording. “Try as we may the subject Alucard has been completely unresponsive. We locked him in the mental ward unti-”

“WOO HOO! AXING TIME!” Alucard shouted as his footsteps were heard through the recording. “CHOP CHOP! Wait a minute... Why is that guy rotting? Eh... Who cares.”

“What in the name of- AUGH!!”

“DOC!.... NO ONE.. HURTS. MY FRIENDS!!” Alucard screamed before something sounding of limbs and blood splattering was heard and the recording ended.

“Well at least he was a... Good kind of crazy?” Isaac said questioningly.

“Anything about this Vladimir guy? From what I can tell he was a heavy weapons specialist.”

“Let’s see... Ah ha! Here! The same ‘Doc’ was questioning him about Alucard.” Isaac said pressing a button on the panel.

“So mister... Vlad was it?” The doc said.

“Da” the russian voice said

“Alright. You said you saw this man stooped over a corpse that was... And I quote ‘Stuck to a wall on fire with an axe in it’s chest’.”

“to quote one of your american comedians If I am lying I am cyring and I am not shedding a tear. I saw that Alucard maniac slicing him up like a radish on May Day.”

“... Right. And have you had any trouble with this guy in the past?” The doc asked as he was penciling somethings down.

“Of course I have, how he ever got passed basic safety training is beyond me!”

“What do you mean? It’s not like he was hanging from that big drill was he?” The doc chuckled.

“.........”

“... Your kidding.” The doc deadpanned.

“......”

“Oh dear marker what have you given me....” The doc said.

“Anything else you need to know? Like how he skins cats.”

“.... Well that explains why there was a mysterious meat this afternoon.” The doc mumbled. “Well other than-”

“He also likes to sing creepy victorian lullabies at MIDNIGHT!” The russian voice continued

“Well that might help him sleep!.... Wait He is a miner... And you are a soldier. How do you hear it?” The doc asked.

“.......”

“.... Well?....” The doc said.

“He sneaks into the barracks and sits in the corner just singing these damn lullabies”

“... Yeah I am gonna earn my pay with this one.” The doc said.

“Did I tell you about ho-”

“Ah ah... I don’t need to hear anymore. How about you though.... You gotta have some stress to relieve here right?” The doc said.

“No sir, When I go out and take out those damned creatures I feel so relaxed.”

“Ah yes the alleged ‘sightings’.” The doc said.

“There is nothing legendary about those mother fuckers.”

“Right well. Just please state your name, position on this facility, and then please sign this form.” The doc said passing something to Vlad.

“Commissar Vladimir Petrenkovich, Heavy Weapons Specialist.”

“Thank you. Now if you would please show Alucard in... I’d like to speak with him.” The doc said before the recording turned off.

“Shit this guy sounds worse than nuts now” Carver said

“Do you believe what he said about the other crazy guy? The one shouting things?” Isaac asked looking around on the table.

“Without a doubt, I bet he was seeing those letters you see.” Carver said before looking at a few pictures. The russian stood out as cold and hard like stone. Another had a guy dancing around in the snow holding an Axe and a Plasma cutter smiling wildly.

“Yeah... I guess you’re right... Here is his file though. And that other guy Vlad.” Isaac said picking up to files. “There are three. One for Alucard and another for Vlad... And I am assuming this is Alucard’s psych file.”

“Well we need to move before the necros smell us”

“Well let’s at least take a look.” Isaac said opening the first file.

Alucard:

Height: 6’2”

Eye color: Grey

Hair color:Coal black

Weight: 200 lbs

Personality: Insane, Will do almost anything you ask him too unless he thinks about it first, Loves to kill things and dismember them, will shout and hug random things at times. Will go into a small rage at the sight of his friends hurt. Loves to go fast and will parkour at any time he gets the chance. Will have random spouts out intelligence. Will quickly become friends will almost anything.

Likes: His knives, his axe, his mining equipment, and anything that he can eat. Furry and soft things. Hugs. Parkour. Fire. Explosions. His lighter. Cigarettes. Meat. Sewing hides of animals together. Skeletons. Anything that he can throw like a knife or axe.

Dislikes: Necromorphs, Soldiers, anything that attacks him or his friends. Not being able to smoke. Anything that puts his fires out. Things that he can’t kill.

Small background/History: Born on earth in america, shipped here to earn a living. Hunted lots and almost anything he could, including humans(bandits mostly). He lived alone most of his life and developed a small affinity for fire when he burned down his old broken down and abandoned orphanage. How he ended up on the mining facility is unknown.

“Well that is slightly disturbing.” Isaac said before opening the second file.

Vladimir Petrenkovich:

Height: 6’4”

Eye color:Green

Hair color: Brown

Weight: 230 lbs

Personality: Cold hearted killer, has a soft spot for ponies, eats meat with joy, may on some occasions show emotion. Likes to beat things, stab things, shoot things, mame things and long walks on the beach. (with a semi auto rifle). Likes apples and radishes

Likes: Vladimir’s Peace Maker, Cossacks Vodka, Vladimir’s Gore Machine, Soup, Stew, Potatoes, Radishes, Communism

Dislikes: Wimps, Cowards, Necromorphs, Capitalism

Small background/History: Born in Moscow Vladimir was top of his class in engineering and history, he crafted his first weapon when he was 12 and was seen instantly as an asset to the Russian Military. In 2299 he was transferred to the SCAF and was immediately sent to Tau Volantis. After that he disappeared with several others before the Cleanse Order went into effect.

Armor and equipment: Vladimir’s Pacemaker (Telemetry Spike Engine with Diffraction Torus), Vladimir’s Gore Machine (Survey Charge with Compressor) SCAF Elite Armor (Digital Camo) Thermite Grenades

“Huh... Well at least he isn’t insane.” Isaac said throwing the two files down and opening the last one. “Let’s see how bad you are Alucard.”

Report on subject #45: Alucard.

Mental Status: Insane.

Mental health issue(s): Bipolarism, Slight dementia, Mania, Tourettes, ADHD, Case of selective schizophrenia.

Recommended treatment: Drug therapy, Shock therapy, emotional therapy, therapy, locked in a padded room without any contact.

Diagnostic: I find almost no hope in ever curing this or even potentially helping this man. His mind is quite literally gone beyond any point of return. I have noted that he will have random cases where he will be completely calm. Other than that he is extremely protective of his friends or anything of personal value.

He attempted to kill a guard earlier because he attempted to take away the axe he hand with him because it was of ‘Personal value’ and he would never part with it. However, I was able to convince him to let go of the axe by telling him he would get it back. He relunctantly gae it over, but it did make wonder.

I am simply convinced that due to all the health issues this man has, he may have merely grown up in the wrong way. A ‘Child in a man’s body’ if you will. I recommend high precaution if you are ever in contact with this man.

Sign, Doctor Michael Stanson.

“Well shit. That guy is seriously messed up.” Isaac said before several gurgled roars were heard outside the door. He dropped the folders onto the desk and ran to the elevator with Carver. “Good thing these guys are dead. No one could have made it in space that long.”

The not so great Escape: 200 Years Earlier

Vladimir and Alucard were sitting by the shuttle when they heard their comrades walking towards them.

“You guys ready?” One said, Vladimir Nodded.

“I am always ready comrade.” He said as he slid a magazine into his weapon

“I like fire!” Alucard said staring at his lighter’s flame.

“Yes we are aware of that comrade.” Vlad said, he stood up and extinguished his cigarette.

“Soooo... Me and my guns are gonna have some fun?” Alucard said pulling out his two Plasma cutters and smiling at Vlad.

“Well Comrade I feel good today, think we will be able to escape before the order in given, but if they do catch us....” Vlad trailed off and smiled at his weapon. “Well Natascha and I will take a few with us.” Vlad smiled

“I like explosions.” Alucard said as he pulled out a grenade and smiled wickedly.

“How you ever got passed basic training is beyond me” sally said under her breath.

“What do you mean? I am a miner!” Alucard said looking at Sally. “Why else would I have plasma cutters?”

“ So, How did you get a hold of a grenade then?” Slayer asked worriedly

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(Flash Back)

“I like explosions!” Alucard yelled out throwing a grenade into a cave and watching it explode.

“YOU PASS!” said the drill instructor who had been drinking heavily.

“Wait a minute.... I am not a soldier.” Alucard said before looking to the left then the right before walking over to the table and picking up the box of grenades before walking away.

“STILL PASS!” The instructor shouted before taking a sip from his flask

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“And that is how babies are born!” Alucard finished.

“Ugh” Vlad said as he put his face in his hand

“What? That is how my... Well I don’t know who but they were right!” Alucard said still smiling and spinning in his seat.

“Lets just leave before they give the goddamned order.” Sally said nervously

“Attention everyone. Commence the Cleanse Order.” A voice over the intercom said.

“Well that ain’t good.” Alucard said still smiling.

“Alucard shut the fuck up and get in the goddamned shuttle!” Slayer shouted, he was in a bit of a roid rage because before all this mess he worked out profusely, sometimes days for days on end.

“I CALL DRIVING!” Alucard shouted before jumping out of his chair and running to the shuttle. “Whoo hoo!”

“I’ll drive.” Slayer said with a grunt, he pushed through the group and made his way to the control panel.

“Aw.” Alucard said from inside the ship. “Fine, but I get the explosives.”

“Fine just don’t do anything stupid!” Slayer shouted as he got into the pilot’s seat.

“I got navigation I guess.” Sally said walking into the ship.

“I will secure cargo bay.” Vlad said as he closed his helmet

“Wheeeee!” Alucard said as we was spinning in his chair.

“STOP! BEING INCOMPETENT!” Sally shouted

“Fine! God no need to yell.” Alucard said pouting a bit before his helmet secured itself onto his head and he spun back towards the console. “Everything looks okay by the way. Everything is good.... Except for the soldiers in front of us.”

“Allow me!” Vlad said as he grabbed the weapons control and fired into the soldiers which tore them to pieces. “NOW FUCKING PUNCH IT!”

“Eeeyup.” Slayer said before he clicked a few buttons on the panel and the bay doors opened as the ship itself roared to life and began to move forward. With little resistance left they slowly began to move out of the hanger.

“FASTER!” Vlad shouted as he saw several surface batteries start to line up the shuttle.

“It’s a fucking personnel shuttle! Not meant to go faster you dumbass!” Slayer shouted as he tried to increase the ships speed as it finally left the hanger and zoomed into space.

“BOUT DAMN TIME!” Sally shouted, she looked at the fleet which now was destroying itself.

“Weeeeeeeee~!” Slayer exclaimed as they were zooming through space.

“Ready to jump to shock space Comrades?” Vlad asked

“Well one... We may not be able too... And two: If we do we might not... End up near Earth.” Slayer said. “By that I mean we go boom if it fails.”

“Fuck Earth, I would rather die in the vacuum of space than get executed by a tribunal.” Vlad said bitterly

“Then where the hell do we go?” Slayer asked looking at Vlad.

“That way?” Vlad pointed to a small star

“.... Why can’t we go to Earth again? All that is there are a few unitologists and no more S.C.A.F.” Slayer said. “It’s... Well I guess we would be charged with desertion wouldn’t we?”

“Ya think?” Sally said sarcastically

“Oh shut up Sally... Fine, I guess we can.... Well die out somewhere in space. You all ready? This jump may or may not make it.” Slayer said as he prepared the computer and ship for a shock space jump. “Well even if ya aren’t... Three. Two.... ONE!”

“I LOVE THIS PART!” Alucard shouted as the ship began to zoom through space at near blinding speeds.

“Well here goes nothing.” Vlad said as he cleaned the barrel on his weapon.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(A large jump later.)

“FUCK FUCK FUCK! OVERSHOT IT!” Slayer shouted as the whole ship began to barrel towards a unknown planet.

“SLOW US DOWN! SLOW US DOWN FOR CHRIST SAKE!” Vlad shouted, the gravity began to fluctuate.

“DON’T YOU THINK I AM TRYING!?” Slayer bellowed back at Vlad angrily. “THIS GOD DAMNED SHIP WON’T TURN! OR SLOW! AUGH EVERYONE BRACE FOR IMPACT!”

“BRACE FOR IMPACT!” Vlad replied as he put himself behind one of the bulkheads

“HURRAY!” ALucard shouted as he watched the planet come forth to greet them. “I smell adventure!”

“THE FUCK YOU TALKIN’ BOUT WILLIS!” Sally shouted over the noise

“Who’s Willis?” Alucard asked tilting his head. “I’m Alucard.”

“SHIT SHIT SHIT Forest! Come on you stupid piece of oversized metal! Hit the goddamned forest!” Slayer shouted as he tried to steer the ship.

“SALLY IF WE DIE! I ALWAYS SORT OF LIKED YOU!” Vlad shouted over the deafening noise

“WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE FUCKING SOUND OF OUR SHIP BREAKING AP-” Before sally could finish the ship smashed into one of the forest’s trees causing everything to be thrown to one side of the ship.

“FUCK!” Vlad shouted as he was tossed about the ship like a toy

“Sorry! Come on! Come on! Just a few mor- OH SHIT! ROCK!” Slayer shouted as a large boulder was seen in front of the ship.

“Oh no.” Alucard said as he buckled himself in.

“SHIT! SHIT FUCK!” Vlad continued shouting, he ran towards the emergency seat but before he could reach it the ship smashed into the massive boulder nearly making the ship turn into a tuna can for the passengers, but thankfully it merely was flipped over the boulder and sent careening into the forest floor. As it crashed the windows shatter and several parts of the hull to become dented and torn off.

After what seemed like ages, the ship finally stopped moving and fell onto it’s, what was left of it anyway, side and simply became silent. Inside there was only two groans heard and a single pained gasp.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(Canterlot castle)

Luna was sitting on her balcony looking over the landscape with the sun still out, which caught the eye of her sister. Celestia walked up behind and sat down next to her sister before smiling and saying.

“Luna? What are you doing up this late? Normally you are in bed before the sun is up in the sky.” Celestia said.

“Well... I was about to sleep when I noticed something wrong with the sky.” Luna said simply and still staring at the sky.

“And that is?” Celestia asked.

“Oh just that.” Luna said pointing to a large object falling from the sky and leaving a hideous streak of black smoke in it’s wake.

“Oh.” Celestia said as she and her sister watched the object fall and crash land in the Everfree Forest. “..... Soooo I am assuming you didn’t schedule a midday meteor shower?”

“Nope.” Luna said plainly as they saw the strange object flip before landing and knocking down several trees down.

“And that doesn’t strike you as odd?” Celestia asked

“Eh.... Since coming back I thought it might have been natural. A lot can change in a thousand years.” Luna said shrugging. “Like that strange obsession you have with cake as of late.”

“I don’t obsess! I LOVE CAKE! ITS SO YUMMY!” Celestia shouted for a moment before correcting herself

“... So you ate a entire chocolate cake... because you ‘love’ it?” Luna asked smiling at her sister.

“Yes I want to marry cake.” Celestia said embarrassed. “Before I would devour it.”

“Obsessed.” Luna stated smiling.

“HOW DOES ANOTHER THOUSAND YEARS ON THE MOON SOUND!” Celestia shouted in the royal canterlot voice

“Still obsessed. But maybe you should inform your student of that.” Luna said pointing to the continuously rising black smoke.

“Oh fine but this isn’t over!” Celestia said

“Oh pfft it was over before it even started.” Luna said waving a hoof at Celestia. Celestia picked up a quill and began to write a letter.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle, please examine the large UFO that crashed near your. town....” Celestia began.

“Um sister?” Luna said nervously and poking Celestia’s side. “You might want to look at this.”

“What is it? I have cake to devour!” Celestia said eyeing a piece of chocolate cake.

“Oh nothing... Just that.” Luna said as she pointed to very small figures in the distance walking out of the Everfree carrying something on their shoulders. “And honestly.... You need to cut back on the cake. You’re getting a bit big back there.”

“TWO WEEKS ON THE MOON!” Celestia Shouted.

“Oh hush. You can’t do that even if you wanted to... I have to be evil and you need the elements to do that.” Luna said picking the scroll up and finishing the letter to Twilight.

“Ugh Fine!” Celestia huffed.

“Oh stop pouting.” Luna said to Celestia before sending the letter off with her magic.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

(In the Everfree)

“Ooooooww.... My head hurts.” Alucard said hanging on his side in the chair.

“Well no shit!” Vlad said as he rubbed his head.

“Eeh... Where is Slayer and Sally?” Alucard asked as he unbuckled himself and fell to the floor.

“Oh shit.” Vlad said as he looked over at where Sally was supposed to be sally. “SALLY!?”

“Well you can come over here and look at me... I ain’t that pretty right now though.” Slayer said waving a hand from outside the destroyed shuttle. Vlad stood up and walked over to Slayer whom was laying outside the ship. When he got over to Slayer he nearly dry heaved. Slayer’s right leg was gone and a large chunk of glass was firmly wedged into his stomach while a smaller chunk of metal was in his visor.

“Ow, medic.” Vlad said with a few winces of pain

“Heh... Not that bad right?” Slayer joked before coughing roughly.

“Uh Slayer I don’t think we can patch this up.” Vlad said while putting a bandage on the gash.

“Eh figures. That was my worst leg anyhow.” Slayer joked again as he looked at the bleeding nub. “Besides... I got you guys here safe and-.... I got you guys here with out killing ya didn’t I?”

“Hey what is going on out... Oi vai.” Alucard said looking at Slayer.

“Oh man my head, I think we have some medkits in the shuttle.” Vlad staggered to his feet.

“Um... guys?... Was Sally always impaled on a tree branch?” Alucard said pointing to a tall tree where poor Sally was stuck on a low branch and limp.

“Oh god!” Vladimir shouted, his helmet was open enough to vomit.

“... If it makes you feel any better she probably could have died a worse way.” Alucard said simply and walking over to Sally.

“Oh that makes me feel so much better.” Vlad said sarcastically

“Hey at least she isn't bleeding out like me.” Slayer said laughing a bit before coughing again. “Fuck I wish I was on that tree branch now.”

“Come on Sally. Can’t let you hang there like a decoration.” Alucard said pulling Sally off slowly.

“Oh come on man, don’t be so dark.” Vlad said as he looked at the lifeless corpse of the girl he liked.

“Pfft, my leg is missing and I have metal in my eye and you are saying don’t be dark?!... Wait you were talking to Ally weren’t you?” Slayer said coughing again.

“YES!”

“Come on Sally! Don’t do dis!” Alucard said looking at Sally as he pulled her off. He finally got her off and laid her down at the base of the tree before running back to the ship to search around. “Come on there has to be something to patch up massive wounds on the stomach.”

“Ally! She is dead! Don’t worry about it!” Slayer said sadly and looking at the lifeless corpse of Sally. “I can see her spine! She can’t be alive!”

“I can still try!” Alucard said running back to Sally with a bandage before trying to fix her up. “No no this isn’t working!.... Come on Sally live! LIVE!”

“DAMN IT ALUCARD SHE IS FUCKIGN DEAD!” Vlad yelled with a few tears in his eyes. Alucard looked at Vlad then back to Sally before sighing and walking over to Slayer.

“Can I at least help you out?” He asked sadly. Slayer chuckled and nodded. Alucard smiled behind his mask while Slayer slightly propped himself up.

“Go grab me medkit. I need something to ease the pain here.” Slayer said as Alucard nodded and ran into the shuttle. Then he turned to Vlad and grabbed the collar of his suit before pulling him close and saying quietly. “Vlad you better watch that boy like a hawk. Cause if you don’t I swear to god I am coming for you in the afterlife if I see him there.”

Vlad just chuckled and grabbed Slayer’s hand. “I will watch after him. But more importantly, I am gonna get you out of here.” Vlad said as he saw Alucard run back with a small medkit.

“Here!” Alucard said. A loud roar filled the air, Vlad turned to see a large amalgamation of animal parts. He raised his weapon and tore a massive hole in the creatures head, another reared its ugly head but before Vlad could fire.

“MINE!” Alucard bellowed before he went running at it with a Axe in each hand. With a ungodly savagery he chop, hack, and slashed the monster making sure to chop off as many limbs he could. “DIE DIE DIE YOU BIG FURRY FUCK!”

“Fuck.” Vlad said frustrated, as the attack progressed he leaned over to slayer “Remind me not to piss him off.”

Alucard finished clopping the monster up as he looked at the limbless and headless torso of the monster. He panted for a moment before walking back and sitting next to Slayer. “No one... Fucks with my friends.” He said hugging Slayer and dropping the axes.

“Shit son!” Slayer exclaimed

“What? Did I over do it?” Alucard asked still panting a bit.

“Overkill does not exist!” Vlad said happily.

“Alright. Now let’s get out of here. Let me go grab the guns and weapons and then let’s leave.” Alucard said suddenly dropping his crazy antics. “Vlad, go grab Sally. Wouldn’t be right to let her get eaten out here. Even if she is dead.” Vlad nodded and walked over to Sallt’s corpse.

“Easy girl.”,Vlad said as he picked up Sally. Sally’s body slumped onto his shoulder and began to bleed. “Aw fuck man! This is FUCKED UP!”

“Don’t complain. Would you rather see her in agony?” Alucard said walking out of the shuttle with a arm full of their guns.

“I’d rather her blood didn’t get in my suit.” Vlad said with a grunt of disgust. “Lets just go.”

“Right. Walk over here and strap your guns to your shoulders. We have a bit of a walk.” Alucard said setting the guns down and pointing to a small path in the forest.

“Just carry i while I carry her, I can barely take the weight as it is.” Vlad said with a grunt of pain.

“What about Slayer over there? Can’t have him hopping all over the place.” Alucard said. “Besides you are a soldier. You can handle it.”

“Fine, Slayer gimme your hand.” Vlad said, he hoisted Slayer over his shoulder

“Imma bleed out before this is over, I guarantee you that.” Slayer said weakly. “And that ain’t negativity. It’s fact.”

“Keep your trap shut Slayer, I want you to just breath and keep your mouth shut.” Vlad said, he began to jog down the path.

“I got the guns I guess.” Alucard said running along side Vlad.

“Lets try to keep the spirits up eh?” Vlad said with a groan

“How? We are lost in a unknown planet in a forest with strange lion mix and matched creatures with one dead and another dying. How am I supposed to stay slightly positive?” Alucard said.

“Everywhere we go!” Vlad began “People wanna Know!”

“Oh god don’t start singing! I am in enough pain!” Slayer whined.

“Well what would you have me do?”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Slayer began weakly.

“To fuck the hen on the other side?” Alucard said

“I was gonna say Vlad’s mum but that works too.” Slayer said giving a weak laugh.

“Oh pipe down!” Vlad said taking an excessively rough step

“Ow....” Slayer said with a quiet chuckle.

“Hey is that a clearing?” Vlad asked

“More like a exit!” Alucard said happily. “Let’s go you crazy people!”

“UURRAAAA!” Vlad shouted, his suit kicked into overdrive as the group sprinted to the exit.

“HURRAH!” Alucard sort of mimicked following Vlad with a vigor. They finally exited the forest into a massive green clearing into the wonderful sunlight. They ran for a good five minutes before finally stopping slightly panting. “HA HA!”

“Whoa! This plce is Fucking Beautiful!” Vlad said in amazement.

“Yeah... No kiddin’.” Slayer said lookign around before coughing even more violently than before. “Fuck, I think my lung just burst.”

“IS THAT A TOWN!?” Vlad shouted, he saw a small village in the distance

“Eh? Maybe!... Wait wait wait.” Alucard said before setting the guns down and picking up his Plasma Cutters. “We have no vlue what is on this planet. Might not be the best idea to go running all willy nilly..... BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB!” Alucard said before snapping back into his crazy phase and bolting towards the town.

“Well Slayer’s Bleeding out! We Don’t have much of a choice!” Vlad shouted, he continued moving

“Uh... you lost him Vlad. He is already gone.” Slayer said pointing to the Alucard that was a good ten meters away by now.

“Mother Fucker!” Vlad shouted, then he heard an odd noise above him. When he looked up he saw something as odd as a necromorph “What the Fuck?!”

“Stop shouting... I am dying here.” Slayer said loking behind himself and seeing the last bar of his health meter drop. “Welp.. Nice knowing ya Vlad.”

“Here take this!” Vlad gave Slayer a large health pack.

“I got a fucking gash in my stomach and a unbandaged leg that has been torn off! That ain’t gonna help much!” Slayer said.

“HEY YOU WANT TO DIE SOONER OR LATER!” Vlad shouted

“Sooner if it means less agony!” Slayer shouted back.

“Just hang in there brother.” Vlad said as he felt a surge of strength come over him. He bolted towards the village carrying Sally’s corpse and Slayer was too much and he had to make a choice. He dropped sally and took off even faster. As he neared the town her heard...

“WHY ARE THERE COLORED PONIES EVERYWHERE!?” Alucard shouted pointing the lasers of his guns at all the colored ponies. Some unicorns, some pegasi, some nothing at all.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Vlad shouted, he felt his leg catch something and he fell to the ground.

“Fuck my already dying body.” Slayer groaned as he hit the ground He let out a small wheeze before going limp.

“Gah! SLAYER!” Vlad shouted

“DIE DIE DIE!!” ALucard shouted shooting in random directions and loppign pieces of house, kiosks, and stands apart. He slowly began to back up before falling on the ground and still screaming and shooting.

“ALLY! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” Vlad shouted, he turned back to Slayer. “COME ON MAN! FUCKING BREATH!”

Alucard looked over to Slayer before he dropped his gun and began to run over before he was thrown into the wall by a large.... Rainbow? “AUGH! My ribs!” Alucard shouted as he smashed into the wall.

“BREATH YOU SON OF A BITCH! BREATH!” Vlad began pounding on Slayer’s chest

Slayer simply laid there unmoving as the last bit of red drained from his health counter. While that was happening they all heard a voice over the chaos. “NO! SLAYER GOD DAMN IT!” Vlad shouted pounding on Slayer’s chest. “SLAYER!”

Before he could continue he too was thrown off of Slayer’s body by the same large Rainbow streak that had flung Alucard not moments ago. Before either Alucard or Vlad could say or do anything they both were hit with some sort of purple beam that made both of them collapse and pass out.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

“Slayer.....Sally.” Vlad Muttered before he opened his eyes

“Fuck my ever hurting ribs.” Alucard said to the right of Vlad.

“Where the fuck is Slayer?” Vlad said rubbing his head

“Well dead for one.” Alucard said sadly. “And I don’t know.”

Vlad stood up and hit his head on a very low ceiling, luckily he had his helmet on to protect his head. The eye lights in his suit turned red as he saw he was in a cell with Ally of all people. Ally groaned and looked at Vlad.

“What? Never been in prison before?... Well I never got pummeled by a rainbow before either.” Alucard said. Vlad eyed the door to the cell, very simple design. He lifted his hand and used his kinesis on the door but it wouldn’t budge. The next attempt was sheer brute force, he put every ounce of muscle into lifting the door off of its hinges. With a clang it fell to the ground

“Yay! We can leave now!” Alucard said suddenly running out holding his ribs. “I am free!”

“I hate when you pull shit like that.” Vlad said as he exited the cell

“Ha! Too bad I am going to keep doing it!” Alucard said running down one of the halls of the jail they apparently were in.

“Where are we? Some sort of weird pony ruled world?” Vlad said checking the corners

“I don’t know, but what I do know is-” Alucard’s voice suddenly became very low and dark. “- Some bitch is gonna pay.” He continued to run until he saw a set of wood doors. “Hmmm.... FIRE!”

He pulled out his old lighter from his suit before setting the bottom of the door a blaze and watching it burn upwards.

“well this is gonna end well.” Vlad said sarcastically

“Yup!” Alucard said happily before kicking down the burning door and running out into a rather nice looking hallyway. It was decorated with banners of suns and moons along with a large rug and the occasional nice simple vase.

“GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR ALLY! AND NO MORE SHENANIGANS!”

“Fine.” Alucard said with a out, the two men walked close to the wall and stopped when they heard voices coming from around the corner.

“What do you think they are?” One voice said

“I don’t know but those suits they were wearing looked pretty scary.” the other said, Vlad smiled under his helmet and stepped out into the hallway, two of what he assumed were guards just stared at him for a moment.

“Boo!” Vlad said with no intent of actually caring the two guards but instead they ran off screaming. Alucard chased them “Goddamn it Ally!” As he followed Ally he saw the decorations getting more lavish and extravagant. Every guard he saw seemed to run towards a door at the end of the hallway. “Ally! Stay here!” Vlad said, after a little protest the insane man just sat down. Vlad walked towards the door where now only two guards stood resolute. Vlad just put a fist into each of their faces and kicked the door in. A winged unicorn was sitting surrounded by dozens of guards. She looked pissed, he could tell it was a she because her voice boomed like his mother scolding him for setting the cat on fire.

“HOW DARE YOU BARGE INTO MY THR-” The tall ony began before Alucard back flipped into the room with his mask down and a insane smile on his face. And a small amount of blood lust in his eyes

“Daddy’s home all you fuckers.” He growled out, Vlad facepalmed before grabbing him by the collar. “AW COME ON LEMME AT EM!”

“Shut up you moronic whelp.” Vlad said

“B-but they hurt Slayer!” He whined out with the anger still in his eyes. “And no one hurts... My.. Friends.” He slowly, but surely began to walk forward and drag Vlad along.

“This is for your own good boy.” Vlad used his stasis on Alucard before hammering him several times in the face.

“.... This is unexpected.” The tall pony said confused.

“Well it was more for your own good than his.” Vlad said putting the now unconscious crazed lunatic on the floor

“And why is that?” The pony said raising an eyebrow.

“To put it simply, He’s fucking nuts.”

“And that is relative how?” She asked.

“To put it mildly he might be a slight man child.”

“Soooo.... He attacked my ponies because he is mentally underdeveloped?” She asked.

“Pretty much, I don’t know how he managed to get into the mining corps.”

“... I have no idea what that is... More importantly, I have no idea who or what you are.” She said pointing a hoof a Vlad.

“I am Vladimir of the SCAF, that is, well thats Alucard. I believe he was part of the Mining division.”

“I see.... So he is an insane mentally incoherent miner and you are a.... Soldier?” She said.

“Yes in a sense, if by killing monsters is a soldier than yes.” Vlad said with a laugh, he pointed to the side of his armor where a bunch of tally marks were carved into metal plating. “at least thirty unlucky bastards ran into the wrong Legionary.”

“Thats very......interesting Mr Vladimir.” Celestia said nervously looking at her guards

“Oooowww... My face hurts.” Alucard groaned from the floor.

“Shut up boy.” Vlad said with a grunt

“Imma stand...” Alucard said shakily getting back to his feet and waving his arms to keep his balance. “Ooow... I remember being angry... Then nothing. What happened?”

“Nothing.” Celestia and Vlad said in Unison

“Oh.... I was right!..... You’re pretty.” Alucard said smiling behind his mask at Celestia.

“Oh I forgot.” Vlad said before opening his mask and revealing his Green Eyes, Brown Hair, and a scar that covered one of his eyes.

“How!.. Do!... I.. Get this off!” Alucard said as he tugged at his helmet.

“Moron.” Vlad muttered as he hit a button on the side of Alucard’s helmet causing it to open. He had grey eyes and coal black hair with a 5 o’ clock shadow present.

“WOOOAAH!” Alucard said before falling to the ground with a thud. “Whoops. Heh heh...”

“God Damn it Boy.” Vlad said with a facepalm.

“What? What I do?” Alucard said looking up at Vlad. “And why is there a big winged horse staring at us?”

“You obviously didn’t pay attention in Basic Training” Vlad said with a grunt

“I thought I told you! I am a miner!” Alucard whined out crossing his arms.

“And you still need to know how to use an EVA suit.” Vlad said angrily

“Yeah well!..... You’re stupid!” Alucard said turning away from Vlad.

“GENTLEMEN!” Celestia shouted

“CHEEEEEEESE!” ALucard said jumping up and pointing at the roof.

“Dumbass shut the fuck up!” Vlad said angrily tackling the mentally incoherent miner.

“I thought she was taking roll call....” Alucard said simply. Vlad facepalmed for the seventh time in an hour. Alucard was annoying as fuck and put simply vlad would happily shoot him and not lose a single second of sleep over it. “Eh.... Can you get off of me? Starting to get hard to breath.”

“Good!” Vlad said angrily.”

“Wait! Where is Slayer and Sally?” Alucard said lookign around before his eyes began to twitch. “Where..... ARE THEY!?”

“YEAH! WHERE IS SLAYER!” Vlad said geeting off of Alucard and looking at the princess with pure hatred.

“....I believe you two are referancing those others you brought with you? The one in the field and the other that... Was in the town entrance?” Celestia said.

“WHERE! ARE THEY!” Vlad said closing his mask over his face and getting off of Alucard.

“...... They are dead Mister Vlad.” Celestia said sadly and lowering her head. Vlad looked at Alucard. “The one bled out in town. And the other was long dead when we found him or her.”

“D-dead?...” Alucard said suddenly sounding like a child who lost his puppy. He got up and curled into the fetal position before just sitting there as his mask folded over his head.

“GOD DAMN IT! SALLY AND SLAYER DEAD!” Vlad slammed his fist into a wall, the stone crushed into powder as the suits strength enhancers amplified the punch. “WE SURVIVED THE GOD DAMNED CLEANSING ORDER FOR THIS!?”

“I am sorry for your losses, but if you do not calm down, I will be forced to make you.” Celestia said sternly. Vlad looked at her, the once blue lights on his suit a fiery red.

“YOU! YOU AND YOUR GUARDS! I COULD HAVE SAVED SLAYER IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU AND YOUR DAMN GUARDS!”-

“ENOUGH!” Celestia bellowed in her canterlot voice, silencing Vlad. “YOUR FRIENDS WERE DEAD BEFORE THEY EVEN CAME TO THE TOWN. I NEED NOT KNOW YOUR ANATOMY TO KNOW THAT ONE WAS DEAD AND THE OTHER WAS DYING! He lost enough blood to make a six hoof wide puddle. There was nothing you could have done. I am sorry.”

Vlad and Alucard were both quiet as Celestia stopped shouting. She let them take their time before speaking again for multiple reasons. One: They could be mourning or two: They were simply thinking. Other than that strange one in the white armor.

“Welp we’re fucked, theres no way we can get the shuttle flying again. Looks likes we’re stuck here in.....” Vlad began, but he didn’t know where he was and literally had no way home.

“What do you mean by that? Can’t you leave in the same thing you arrived in?” Celestia asked.

“Not likely, that thing is fucking history.” Vlad said as the diagnostic came up on his helmet interface. Everything was, to put it lightly... Fucked up beyond all repair.

“Our friend was nearly eviscerated by the damned window.” Alucard finally spoke up. Then Vlad’s helmet retraced as he nodded and pulled up one of the few active cameras inside the shuttle which revealed a massive mound of twisted metal, severed wires, and shattered glass as well as a Leg and a bloodied piece of glass.

“Well at least we know where his leg is so we can bury him properly right?” Alucard said.

“Sure kid right after we figure out what the fuck we’re gonna do.” Vlad replied

“Well... I may be able to help with that.” Celestia said stepping off her throne and walking towards Vlad and Alucard. “Other than some minor property damage, you really haven’t done anything wrong. I see no reason to keep you locked up.... Unless you are hostile, of course, but we have been talking without... Much difficulty so that is out of the question.”

“Yeah.....not hostile. Riiiight.” Vlad said nervously looking at Alucard and then back to the princess and then back at Alucard and then back to the princess.

“YAY I LOVE YOU PONY LADY!” Alucard shouted running up and wrapping his arms around Celestia’s neck. All the guards pointed their spears at Alucard until Celestia held up a hoof and pointed to the fact that Alucard was nuzzling into her neck.

“I guess you weren’t kidding about how he is a child in a stallions body.” Celestia joked using her hoof to pat Alucard on the back. “Um... Is there anyway to get him off? I mean I enjoy a good hug as much as anypony, but this is starting to get weird.” Vlad shook his head silently mouthing the words ‘not a chance in hell’.

“Well then.... Um... Off please?” Celestia asked before Alucard let go and walked back over to Vlad.

“Okay!” He said happily and retracted his mask to show the smile he was wearing.

“Well you got over that easily.” Vlad said sarcastically.

“Got over what?... Well I am off to find Slayer and Sally! Toodles!” Alucard said before running out the throne room doors. The bastard even stasised the door as they had a noticable blue hue around them.

“Sorry about him.” Vlad said frustrated

“Oh it’s quite alright. I have dealt with craziness in the past.” Celestia said sighing. “And I still do apparently. You have any idea where he might be going?”

“Not in the slightest.” Vlad said sighing and looking to the door.

“Should I be worried?” Celestia inquired.

“Greatly.” Vlad said simply.

“YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!” Alucard could be heard down the hallway, Luna burst into the room with Alucard on her back. Celestia was shocked when she saw him holding her horn and swinging a royal guard’s mace that he somehow aquired..

“GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!” Luna cried as she bucked and jumped. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF ME IS THIS THING!?”

“Fuck My Life.” Vlad said before using his stasis to slow the two down and kinesis to pull Alucard off. Celestia ran over to her sister while Vlad went over to Alucard and proceeded to punch him multiple times in the face.

“Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.... You done?” Alucard asked as he was punched.

“NEVER! DO! THAT! AGAIN!” Vlad said in between punches

“But she was holding Sally and Slayer!” Alucard complained, Vlad raised an eyebrow.

“Boy what the hell are you talking about?” Vlad said momentarily halting the onslaught.

“Slayer!” Alucard started before pulling out his old Plasma cutter with the name ‘Slayer’ engraved on the bayonet. “And Sally!” He said pulling out the other Cutter with had the same thing done only with the name ‘Sally’. “I would’ve wrapped their tags around their respective frames, but I didn’t know where they dropped them.”

“God damn it Alucard you’re making me age faster I swear to god!” Vlad said getting up

“That is what my old boss said!” Alucard said. “Weird thing is he died a week later when he was shoved into a grinder by this crazy guy yelling ‘turn it off’.”

“Turn what off?” Vlad asked suspiciously

Alucard just shrugged and got up still holding his Plasma Cutters in his hands. “I dunno. Just kept yelling ‘Turn it off! Turn it off!’ and so I stabbed him....... Forty eight times. And burned him.... He stopped after that.” Vlad just looked at Alucard for a moment before shrugging

“So wait what happened?” Celestia asked.

“I don’t know! I was just examining the weapons that Twilight brought in and then... HE!” Luna shouted pointing to Alucard. “Burst in ranting something and yelled ‘Let go of Slayer and Sally!’ before jumping onto my back!”

“I thought she was trying to steal them!” Alucard argued. “No one takes my Slayer and Sally.”

“Seriously were you dropped on your head as a child?” Vlad asked

“Repeatedly.” Alucard said smiling. “And injected with a decent amount of speed.” Alucard’s eyes flickered shut and opened rapidly for a moment before they stopped. Vlad looked at him and just shook his head while facepalming. Alucard on the other hand looked to Luna and smiled again before saying. “Sorry I rode you like a horse funny blue pony.”

“FUNNY BLUE PONY!?” Luna shouted.

“Sister calm down.” Celestia said before leaning in and whispering. “He isn’t right in the head.”

“She is right you know.” Alucard said smacking his head with a Cutter. “I ain’t right!.... Or wait am I? I am right about being not right in the head so does that make me wrong?”

“Celestia he’s worse than the pink one WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS!!” Luna shouted.

“Oh you are just upset because she put a party popper in the punch. And made a small cult of fillies who believed you would eat them alive.” Celestia said rolling her eyes.

“EXACTLY!”

“So... He is right up there with her or... What?” Celestia asked.

“WORSE!”

“AND POP!-” ALucard shot a pillar with the plasma cutter making a large crevice o nthe side. “-WENT THE NECROMORPH! Well actually more like ‘goosh’ but still!”

“YOU DUMB FUCK GIMME THAT!” Vlad said grabbing the plasma cutter. Alucard pulled out a old Ice axe and held it against Vlad’s neck. “or not” he let go of the cutter.

“No one.... Touches. Sally.” Alucard said letting the gun close up and putting it on his hip before removing the ice axe and sheathing it on his back. Then he smiled again and went straight back to happy. “So what’s going on? I blacked out for a second.” Vlad just double facepalmed.

“... Sister is it okay to have him roaming about?” Luna asked. “I mean.... He has a axe.”

“Two actually!” Alucard said pulling out both axes and swinging them around before holding them still at his sides. “They are fun to throw and swing around.”

“Fuck.” Vlad said under his breath

“Probably not, but I think if we can get his weapons away from him, he will be like a newborn puppy.... With a strange affinity for fire.”

“Good luck, he guards those things like a bulldog.” Vlad said

“Have you ever tried asking nicely?” Celestia asked. Vlad facepalmed before shaking his head. “That’s what I thought. Now Alucard can you please let us take your... Toys away?”

Alucard tapped his chin for a moment before nodding and smiling. “OKAY!” He shouted before dropping the axes and the two guns to the ground. “Heh heh... Loud noises.”

“Its a miracle you’re still breathing” Vlad said still with his face in his palms

“Really? I mean I have been shot through the neck once... See!?” Alucard said pointing to a small hole looking scar on his neck. “Went straight through. Doc said I shouldn’t be alive after it, but he helped me nonetheless! Also I got this nasty scar on my back whe-”

“Just go do something constructive for once” Vlad pleaded

“Hmmm.. Okay!... I know! OUT THE WINDOW!” Alucard said running straight to one of the windows.

“OKAY!” Vlad said just hoping he would actually go sailing out the window. Alucard simply ran and went head first out the window with a loud ‘CRASH’.

“.... He actually did that?” One of hte Royal guards said.

“Thank god!” Vlad said wiping a bead of sweat from his head

“Hey can someone toss me a rope?” Alucard’s voice sounded. “I seem to have nearly fallen off a cliff.”

“DAMN IT!” Vlad shouted louder then he meant to.

“Oh wait! I can just climb up! Silly silly me!” Alucard said as the sound of him climbing the wall was heard. “Ow glass....”

“PLEASE FALL PLEASE LORD MAKE HIM FALL!” Vlad said with his fingers crossed.

“Wait... I think my hand is slipping..... Whoop! Yep I am slipping!” Alucard said.

“THANK YOU GOD!” Vlad said pumping his fist in the air. That was when Alucard came out of the window right next to the broken one panting.

“Stupid birds. Always trying to get my lucky charms.” Alucard said getting up and sweeping glass from his shoulders. A small sob came from Vlad.

“So...close.” he said softly. That was when Alucard hugged him.

“Aw it’ll be alright!” Alucard said happily.

“Uh I think generic guard pony number seven wants a hug, yeah he’s down the hallway and keep going until you see the mushroom.” Luna said nervously watching the odd creature

“OKAY!” Alucard shouted before running past both Luna and Celestia out into and down the hallway. “... Oooh fire!” Vlad groaned as the voice got further away. That was until they heard a very, very, very, VERY faint voice yell “I found him!”

“Yeah that guy was having a bad day anyway.” Luna said sheepishly and waving it off with a hoof.

“OH GOD WHY! WHY DID SOMEONE SEND THIS HORRIBLE CREATURE TO ME!” A guard shouted, Luna’s face dropped like a stone

“Heh heh heh.” Luna nervously chuckled. “I’m sure it’s not that bad!”

“MY DAY WAS JUST FINE UNTIL NOW! NOW ITS HORRIBLE!” The guard continued shouting

“Oh he is over exaggerating.” Luna said.

“KILL ME FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA KILL ME! END MY SUFFERING!”

“....... I’ll go get him.” Luna said lowering her head and walking out of the Throne Room.

“ONLY A LARGE MONETARY SETTLEMENT WILL EASE MY PAIN!” The guard shouted

“Okay now he is exaggerating.” Celestia said. Soon Luna came back while dragging Alucard behind her by the collar of his suit.

“All I did was hug him! I don’t know what he didn’t like about it! It was just a hug!” Alucard whined out.

“Maybe some time out would be good for him.” Celestia said

“Yeah I would love to run.” Alucard said from the ground. Celestia mimicked Vlad and facehooved. “Why is everyone slapping themselves? Makes me wonder why people are still alive. That is a good way to get yourself killed.” Vlad couldn’t take it anymore and punched so hard he knocked him out for at least an hour

“.... Was that really necessary?” Luna said.

“WITHOUT A DOUBT!” Vlad said as he rubbed his fist.

“Well then.... I guess let the guards take him back to... Wherever we are letting him stay.” Luna said poking Alucard with her hoof.

“The asylum? Please say the asylum!” Vlad begged

“Can’t really do that without papers....” Luna said scratching her chin.

“I WILL DO ANYTHING JUST DON’T LET HIM OUT ON THE STREETS!” Vlad shouted

“Well... I guess we can leave him in the cells...” Luna said shrugging. “I don’t think those asylums will hold him.... Considering he jumped out a window and climbed back up.”

Vlad Smiled as she said this, hopefully he would be able to make a new start if Alucard was Locked Up.....

ARE YOU A SPY!/ Wodka + Pony = Headache

Vlad smiled as the guards escorted Alucard out of the room, he was singing dubstep with perfect accuracy. The guard were ready to shoot him, but refrained until they could figure out a way to make it look like an accident. He was soon thrown into a cell, and still snoring.

“AH MOLESTIA!” Alucard screeched sitting up quickly before falling back and letting out another wub of a snore.

“OH GODDESS HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!” one of the guards shouted, the two guards sat at a table playing cards while shining armour bashed his head against the wall.

“WHY! DID! I! TAKE! THIS! JOB!” Shining said in between impacts with the wall.

“Can I have a glass of water please?” Alucard asked nicely rubbing one of his eyes with a hand.

“BUCK YOU! YOU’RE JUST GONNA MAKE THOSE GOD AWFUL NOISES!” Shining shouted, causing Alucard to just scoff.

“Pfft no I am not. I only do that when I’m knocked out.” Alucard said waving his hand in the air. He just sighed and leaned against his cell wall before looking around and saw a small stone in his cell so what did he do? Why he picked it up with kinesis and threw it at one of the guards.

“HEY!... Who did that?” The guard said looking around for what hit him in the head head. The guard next to him snickered and said.

“Wasn’t me.. but your reaction was priceless!” He said laughing.

“OH will you two shut up!” Shining armor growled out. “Just keep an eye on him. I am going home for the night.”

“Well this is bullshit.” One guard said as he watched their boss leave.

“You know he’s just going home to buck his wife.” The other said enviously “Lucky Bastard. What I wouldn’t give to spend a night-”

“YOU KNOW I CAN STILL HEAR YOU RIGHT!?” Shining shouted from down the hall.

“Say hello to Cadance for me!” Alucard shouted happily.

“HOW THE BUCK!? HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!” Shining shouted angrilly running back with hot breath flaring from his nostrils.

“I saw the picture in your armor. Your shiny armor... That’s your name isn’t it! Shiny Armor!” Alucard said happily and pointing to the picture in his Shining Armor’s.. Armor.

(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)

On a small hill a small distance from a certain Butter colored pegasus, was Vladimer. He was building up his home, so that one: He could stay away from Alucard. And two: His conscience would not let him mooch off the Princesses. They were kind enough to give him a small piece of land that he could build on. They even said once he got his home up they would pay some contractors to build in some facilities.

As he brought the hydraulic blade down on the trunk of a tree Vladimir smiled, the tree fell to the ground with a thud. He wiped the sweat from his head before using the chainsaw attachment on his hydraulic engine to slice the tree in half. Vlad was almost finished building the small cabin when he heard a noise overhead.

“Um.....what are you doing?” a voice said, Vlad looked up to see a cyan pegasus hovering over the nearly complete building.

“Building my new home.” Vlad said as he lifted a log onto his shoulder, he climbed up a ladder and began laying down the framing for the roof. “Can’t live in the street” he grunted.

“Why are you cutting down the everfree forest?” the cyan Pegasus asked, Vlad grunted as he lifted another log.

“Only using these.” he said with a smile, he pointed to a small grove of trees.

“Do you need help?” The pony said with a smile, Vlad nodded and pointed to a pile of shingles

“Could you start putting these on?” Vlad said pointing to the frame that was finished on the other side.

“Sure!” the pony said “Oh by the way I’m rainbow dash!”

“Vladimir, you know what I am already comrade?” Vlad said, Rainbow nodded as she tried to grab the shingles “Let me get that” Vlad said using his kinesis on the large pile. Rainbow began to do the shingles on the roof. The small cabin was taking shape, Vladimir had retrieved a case of Cossacks from the crashed shuttle as well as some more supplies. He and Rainbow Dash downed half of the case of Vodka in under an hour and Vlad was trying to balance a nail on his nose when Twilight found them.

“Uh Dash whats up with you and Vladimir?” she asked, Vladimir stood up and staggered.

“H-Hey comrade Twilight, we were j-just uh...” he stammered “What we doing?” he asked looking at dash

“Uh I don’t know! H-hey Twi! Wanna sip of this?!” Dash replied.

“Uh I’m good thanks.” Twilight said nervously. “Exactly how many bottles have you two drank?” Dash and Vlad pointed to a large pile of empty bottles of Vodka. “More importantly, where were you stashing this?”

(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)

Alucard was sitting in his cell humming a random tune. The guards were simply sitting there playing a game of poker while making sure that Alucard didn’t do anything stupid. They continued their game before they heard something rather disturbing.

Silence.

They both glanced at each other before looking back at the cell. They couldn’t see anything from their angle and one of them sighed. They looked to each other again before picking up their spears and going over to the cell. As they neared it, they couldn’t hear anything still. They walked over and looked into the cell to see-

“BOO!” Alucard shouted at the top of his lungs as he slammed against the bars with his visor turned red. The guards both let out loud mare-ish screams as they dropped their spears and grabbed each other. Alucard, on the other hand, was on the ground cackling and laughing like a maniac while he changed his visor back to it’s normal blue.

The guards just looked at him before looking at each other and blushing before moving away from each other. They glared at Alucard before picking up their spears and walking back to their poker table.

“Oh come on you two! I was just kiddin’! Not like I am gonna eat you or anything.” Alucard said still slightly giggling. The guards just grunted in response before Alucard just went back to his humming. “Wonder when I can get out of here... Meh, I will just ask one of the Princesses when they come and see me... If they come and see me.”

(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)

Now several cases of Vodka sat empty and the fire had died down, Vlad was passed out in the small cabin. Dash and Twilight had managed to get home. Slowly Vlad opened his eyes and like a switch being flipped his head throbbed. It felt like an Anvil was being pounded on in his head. Groggilly he pushed through his Hangover and walked outside to see the mountain of empty bottles of Vodka. He picked up a half empty bottle and gulped down the remainder of its contents. After about an hour of nursing his hangover he got up and walked around to the other side of the cabin to get some more wood and to his surprise he found Celestia standing in all of her regal glory.

“Hello Your Highness, May I help you?” Vlad said rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“We need to talk about a certain... Someone.” Celestia said.

“Who?” Vlad said still unsure

“Who else is the only other of your kind?” Celestia deadpanned.

“Well you could mean Slayer or Sally.” Vlad said just testing the princess

“Both of which are dead, sadly.” Celestia said in a sympathetic voice.

“That leaves me and....” Vlad said slowly putting his hans behind his back and grabbing his Pistol.

“Yeeeeesss? Come on Vlad, you aren’t this dence.” Celestia said. “Also if it makes you feel any safer he isn’t here.”

“Who isn’t here?” Vlad said with suspision, this obviously this couldn’t be her.

“... Alright you are just toying with me at this point. I am talking about Alucard. We need to talk about him.” Celestia said.

“Very well, continue.” His mask closed and he whispered “Run Identitiy Test”

“Well to put it simply, he has been causing a bit of chaos in the castle. Attacking guards, biting a few, stealing weapons.” Celestia began listing off.

“Hmm let us see what Comrade Alucard has to say about this.” Vlad put his hand up to a button on his helmet “Alucard I’m here with Princess celestia...”

“Oh hey Vlad!... Wait a minute, Celestia has a twin?” Alucard said looking at the Princess. “Because she is right here.”

“Njiet but thank you for clearing this up.” Vlad Pulled the pistol he had in his hand up to the Imposters head “Who are you? REALLY!”

“Okay! Okay! You caught me!” The imposter said before a green flame encompassed the figure before she turned into a black chintin looking pony with holes in her hooves, insect wings on her back, and a jagged horn sticking out with a small crown behind it.

“Who sent you, Changeling. Speak clearly or I will hollow out your skull!”

“I am queen... Well former Queen Chrysalis. I guess just Chrysalis now.”

“Alucard run the name Chrysalis byt Celly.” Vlad said into his microphone

“She heard it. She is the Queen of the changelings. She attacked Canterlot a while back, but was defeated. From there she lost all of her changelings and now is simply either the last of her race or only has a sum of ten or five Changelings left.” Alucard said sounding way out of character.

“Excellent, What does Comrade Celestia want me to do with her?”

“Hold on she is just arriving at my cell.” Alucard said. “Okay she just wants you to keep a eye on her. She is gonna send a guard to come and bring her here. Sooo yeah. Just don’t kill her and you will be fine.”

“Understood.” Vlad said with a smile

“Oh yeah and she can shape shift.” Alucard said before cutting the call.

“Soo you try to fool Vladimir? Not Smart Idea.”

“Oh please. If you were hungry would have done the same.” Chrysalis said rolling her emerald eyes.

“Hunger is a weakness Like Pain, I eat Pain. Infact I could have a feast just by shooting you in the leg right now.” Vlad said, the inner demon of his was awakening

“And I can just feel the love seeping out of your words!” She said sarcastically.

“Good Comrade very Good.”

“Just please. Let’s just sit here until I am take noff to be thrown in a cell.” She said laying down in the grass.

“Alucard will be happy to have new friend to torment.”

“I am assuming you are talking about your quirky friend my spies tell me about?” Chrysalis said lifting her head.

“Quirky yes, Friend? Not so much. But he will just love you, if you have any information we want to know he will have you speaking in matter of minutes.”

“Really now? Good I am hungry still. Also he speaks fondly of you. Quite a bit actually.” Chrysalis said lowering her head onto her holed hooves.

“Obviously you do not know much of the inner workings of Alucards Mind.” Vlad said, he saw Twilight and several guards approaching in the distance

“Do you?” She asked.

“Unfortunately, yes I do, He is a pyromaniac, he likes to kill things with axes, he snores Dubstep and he is almost unpredictable to the unknowing passer by.” Vlad said with a smirk under his mask.

“Hmmm. He sounds familiar.” She said closing her eyes.

“You speak of the Pink one, Da he is very like the Pink one.” Twilight came over the hill to find the two figures.

“Chrysalis.” Twilight said, her words dripped with contempt

“Mmm Twilight. How’s your brother?” Chrysalis said opening one eye and smiling.

“You will be quiet now!” Vlad said pistol whipping Chrysalis and knocking her out. The guards hoisted her onto their backs and then Vlad and Twilight followed them to the castle.

(~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~)

Soon Chrysalis was thrown into a cell with a certain Human as she just woke up.

“Ow. My jaw.” She said rubbing her lower jaw a bit.

“Yeah he will do that to you sometimes.” Alucard said from his corner of the cell.

“Good to see she is awake Comrade Alucard, tell me how have you been?” Vlad said as he appeared almost out of nowhere

“VLADY! I am doing great. How are you?” Alucard said going to the cell bars and hanging his arms so they dangled outside the door.

“Da, is my name do not wear out.” Vlad said with a shit eating grin

“Oh poor Vlad. Lived with americans for so long and still can’t get the vernacular down right.” Alucard said shaking his head.

“Just begin the interrogation, Comrade Celestia we are about to begin.”

“Excellent” Celestia said as she too appeared out of nowhere

“Oh so I am interrogating the holely one?” Alucard asked looking at Chrysalis.

“Da.” Vlad said with a sinister grin “Have fun you two.” He laughed as he picked up a box containing Alucards “Stuff”.

“Oooh. My gear! My I have it?” Alucard asked.

“Da, except for guns.” Vlad said

“You are taking Sally and Slayer?” Alucard said with his voice going a bit dark.

“Not my descision but Shining armor’s.”

“Oh... Remind me to punch him when I get out of here.” Alucard said going back to normal.

“Already on it.” Vlad said making a small note on his RIG.

“Thanks. Now uuh.. Just put the stuff in the cell I guess.” Alucard said gesturing to the door. Vlad opened the door and slid the gear in, he was wearing a new uniform based off of the old Soviet Designs. He looked surprisingly menacing with it.

“Huh.. Nice outfit.” Alucard said as he went to his box and began to look through it.

“Thank you! Comrade Marshmellow Pony Made it! Said it Brings out my Powerful side!”

“Very nice. I just have this suit and the clothes under it.” Alucard said shrugging as he pulled out his Axe.

“Will have Marmallow Pony make similar one for you.”

“Naw, thanks. I don’t like russian designs as much. No offense of course.” Alucard said as he pulling out a lighter and some string.

“I will leave you to your work comrade.”

“Heh thanks. Now, guresome or just plain awful?” Alucard said looking through the boxes contents.

2 minutes later....

“SOMEPONY GET ME OUTTA HERE!! PLEASEE!!!!!” Chrysalis shouted.

“Hahahahaha We are just beginning Chrysalis! Had enough already?” Vlad said with a sinister smile.

“YOU ARE ALL CRUELER THAN IMAGINABLE!!” Chrysalis shouted.

“Thank you! Alucard hit your head on that wall!” Vlad said.

“But I don’t like pain!” Alucard shouted back.

“Would you rather she go unpunished?”

“What did she even do anyway?” Alucard asked.

“She harmed Comrade Celestia as well as most of our other Comrades.

“Yeah but she lost almost 96 percent of her race. Isn’t that punishment enough?” Alucard asked.

“Only 96 percent?”

“Yeah! Those ten that weren’t smashed, squashed, splattered or just killed on sight are all that is left.” Alucard said opening his cell door. “And you forgot to lock the door.”

“Nijet comrade, It helps to show the Prisoner they could’ve left anytime they wanted. Farewell chrysalis. I will return in an hour for my own interrogation.”

“Well... Now she can’t.” Alucard said looking back into the cell.

“Pain...” Chrysalis whimpered out.

“Again what are we integrating her for!?” Alucard shouted.

“Information on her remaining forces, as Queen she has the ability to lay eggs. Celestia told me about how fast they replenish their forces.”

“Well she can’t now... Kinda.... Stomped the reproductive organs.” Alucard said looking back into the cell. “Looked painful.... Very durable bugger ain’t she?”

“I hurt.” Chrysalis said plainly.

“You may be hurt Chysalis but You still are hiding information we want. I will break you one way or another.”

“You want information? Why didn’t you just say that!? I literally have nothing left to hide! I will tell you where we hide! I’ll tell you what we eat! Just for the love of Celestia... Get me some water.” Chrysalis said.

“Alucard finish up here, I will notify the Princess.” Vlad said slighlty deflated. It had been a while since he had interrogated anyone.

“Okay! Just uh... How do I do this?” Alucard said. He walked in before coming out with a beaten and bloodied Chrysalis in his arms. “Sooo. Just take her to Celestia ooorr... What?”

“Da, take her with us, we will have words later.”

“Hope you know, once Celestia is done with her, she is just gonna let her go... Or throw her in jail. Either or.” Alucard said shrugging and walking out of the room with his Axes attached to his hips.

“I will change her mind.” Vlad said as he brushed some dirt off of his uniform, the group walked to the throne room where celestia gasped at the sight of Chrysalis condition.

“What? He said be gentle.” Alucard said plainly. “I did almost everything except gut her while she was alive. Then put it back in.”

“…..... Oh faust.” Celestia said bringing a hoof to her mouth

“Whaaaat?” Alucard said. “Vlad has seen it when I get ‘rough’ with someone. And he threw up.”

“You’re dismissed Alucard.” Vlad said

“Okay.” ALucard said turning around with Chrysalis still in his arms.

“Leave her.” Vlad said, he facepalmed

“Why does no one ever specify?” Alucard complained as he walked over and put Chrysalis on a pillow. “Get well soon.” Then promptly left the room with a smile on his face.

“You knew he would do that?” Celestia asked after Alucard was gone, vlad shook his head.

“Alucard is unpredictable, Is reason for Phsyc tests.” Vlad said plainly, he punched in a few buttons on his rig and several files appeared on the floor.

“He stabbed my with the hilt of an unlit candle...” Chrysalis groaned out. “Then lit it.”

“He was about to be discharged when the Scenario Five happened.”

“I see. I assume he was worse before he came here?” Celestia said.

“Da much worse.” Vlad said looking at Chrysalis

“Oh faust...” Chrysalis groaned out. “Never going to commit a crime ever again.”

“May not walk again either.”

“He stomped my organs. Of course I am not going to walk for a while.” Chrysalis said.

“Which Organs, perhaps I can heal them?” Celestia suggested.

“All of them. Except heart, lungs, and brain.” Chrysalis groaned again.

“Even?” Celestia said nervously.

“Eeeeyup. Ow.” Chrysalis said. “And I dread to wonder what ‘Rough’ is like.”

“I will leave you two to your chat.” Vlad said before leaving, as he turned an evil smile crept across his face

“Hello, Vlad!” Alucard said waving as he sat on a bench outside the throne room. Vlad nodded to Alucard before walking out of the Building. “Oi, where are ya going?”

“To get Vodka comrade...” Vlad said walking out.

“Can I come?” Said Rainbow Dash appearing out of nowhere.

“What’s Vodka?” Alucard asked.

“it is ethanol mixed with potato..” Vlad looked at Rainbow Dash “You can come with us comrade.” Vlad said with a chuckle.

“YAY! No more smelly dungeons! And I got my guns back!” Alucard said holding up both his Plasma Cutters then looking around and sighing. “I want to go cut something up...”

“Oh boy I get to hang out with the only guy whos 20 percent cooler than me!” Rainbow Dash said happily

“BACON!” Alucard shouted happily and jumping in the air.

2 hours later.....

“I love you guysh.” Alucard said hugging Rainbow Dash.

“H-hey you know what we should doo?” Rainbow asked.

“Get bacon?” Alucard asked excitedly and slurring his words.

“After that! We should go and prank celly!” Dash chuckled

“YAY! I got the greatesht idea tooooo!” Alucard said standing up.

“HAND GRENADE IN THE TOILET!” Vlad exclaimed gulping down another shot of Cossacks

“Before that!” Alucard said and taking the entire bottle of Vodka and partially chugging a third of the bottle. “I know! Let’s fling what’s left of our ship through the castle! It’ll freak Celly out!!”

“FIRST WE NEED TO BUILD GIANT CATAPULT!”

“Why do that? With this weird drink, I feel amazing!” Alucard said before picking up a rock and smashing it over his head. “See! All I need is a lot of rubber... And a forked tree.”

“DA IS GOOD IDEA!” Vlad cheered.

“I think Pinkie might have some rubber!” Rainbow slurred out.

“NOT CONDOMS!” Vlad said sternly

“No no no no... Although she does have those... But I am talking like rubber bands.” Rainbow said giggling. “Heheheh...Rubbers.”

“I don’t get it...” Alucard said tilting his head.

“Of course not dumby IS INSIDE JOKE!” Vlad said slaming his fist down on the bar table leaving a massive dent.

“Ooooh.... I saw what Changeling reproductive organs look like.... Weird stuff.” Alucard said falling onto the ground and laughing. “They are all green and stuff! HAHAHAHAAA!”

“DA AND NOW NO MORE CHANGELINGS! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA GOOD WORK COMRADE!” Vlad cheered again

“Oh no no, she can regenerate, but that just means more fun for me!!” Alucard shouted standing up shakily.

“Alucard as Vlad has said before you’re nucking futs.” Rainbow Dash interjected

“YES! AND I LOVE IT! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA!” Alucard shouted picking up Rainbow and twirling around before falling on his ass. “HAHAHAHAA!”

“She is so SOFT!” Vlad said with a grin

“I wouldn’t know! I haven’t gotten out of this suit in like three days!” Alucard said cackling some more.

“Your Urine Cleaners must be almost depleted!”

“Yeah had to chang them like twenty times! Was a long trip ya know!” Alucard said before grabbing the bottle and drunkenly walking out of the room. “Come on guysh! Let’sh go get that rubber!”

“Da I am behind you!” Vlad said hoisting Rainbow Dash over his shoulder

1 short carriage ride and many bottles of liqour later.

“THIS IS SOOO GONNA WORK!” Alucard shouted pulling the wreckage back in the massive rubber band. “AND WHY AM I THIS STRONG!?”

“Igniting aft engines!” Vlad shouted as he climbed into the cockpit and began to slice through the support rope

“Rainbow! Give ush a count down!” Alucard said as he reached the Rubber bands pull back max.

“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0! FIRE!” Rainbow shouted throwing a empty bottle into the wreck.

“AHOY MATEY!... OH SHIT I AM STUCK!” Alucard shouted as he let go only to find his suit stuck on a piece of metal.

“FIRING!” Vlad shouted as he cut through the last support rope, the shuttle flew at an alarming speed towards the castle

“I HATE AND LOVE YOU GUYSH!!” Alucard shouted as he was taken with the shuttle. “IF I LIVE THROugh this we are gonna have a taaaaaaalllk!”

The shuttle crashed through the large hallway making a loud scraping noise as it slid through the sleeping castle waking everypony inside.

“Wha-Whats going on out here?” Celestia said, the shuttle flew past her, barely avoiding a crushing of the Equestrian Leader.

“Oh hey Celly!” Alucard said from the floor as he slid by still stuck to the shuttle. “I will see you in a few minutes!”

“SHIT! END OF THE LINE!” Vlad shouted as the shuttle burst through another wall and began free falling down to the ground

“CAUSE I AM FREEEEEEE! FREEE FALLIN’!” ALucard shouted as he looked at the ground. “Hey! The Earth is trying to hug me!”

“Deploying Airbag!” Vlad shouted inbetween hickups, a large white airbag inflated and cushioned the shuttle as it landed. Alucard jsut fell to the ground and got up before throwing his arms in teh air and whooping in happiness.

“I WANNA GO AGAIN!” He shouted before he fell on the ground and cackled a bit more.

“AHEM!” A feminine voice said from behind

“Oh hey Celly! You look so pretty without all that gold stuff.” Alucard said looking up. Vlad meanwhile attempted to sneak out of the shuttle, but found himself caught in the Alicorn Princess’s magic. “It was Vlad’s idea.” Alucard just pointed to Vlad.

“Stop with the bolshevik we all know it as you!” Vlad shouted

“Says the guy who gave me that silly water!” Alucard shouted giggling. “It made me all warm in stuff.”

“BOTH OF YOU BE QUIET!” Celestia roared with anger

“Aw...” Alucard said as he opened his helmet and let it retract. “Are we in trouble?” he said sounding pitiful.

SEVERAL MINUTES OF STERN TALKING TO LATER.....

“And do you both promise never to do this again?” Celestia said.

“Yes Mom!” Vlad said still very drunk

“Wait Celestia is our mom? When did that happen?” Alucard said much the same way and scratching his head.

“Vlad stay here, Alucard you’re dismissed”

One Shipping Scene Later......

“And so that is how I lost my cat!” Alucard finished telling his tale to Rainbow Dash.

“Comrade Alucard?” Vlad said opening the door with a cigarette in his mouth.

“Yea buddeh?” Alucard said sobering up a bit.

“Gonna spend the night here.” Vlad said plainly before looking back inside

“Ah okay buddeh!.... I need water.”” Alcuard said before falling backwards and landing on the floor. “Ow.”

“Good for you.” Vlad said before closing the door.

“I’m just gonna... Go walk until I find a room.” Alucard said drunkenly standing up and somewhat walking in a straight line down the hall. He opened up doors as he walked by them.. “Nope nope nope. Cleaning closet. Bathroom. Closet. Occuppied. Ah!”

He opened up a door and walked in before stumbling over to the bed and flopping down. “Mmm. Silk sheetshh. Zzzzzz...” He said before falling into a deep sleep and grabbing the nearest soft thing. Which happened to be another sleeping Alicorn.

The Next Morning.

“Augh!!.... Head. Pain.” Alucard said holding a hand to his head. “What did Vlad give me? And why do I feel like putting my axe through my skull to end this suffering?”

“Umm... Can you let go of us please?” Luna said a bit uncomfortable.

“Huh? Who said that?” Alucard said looking around. A hoof tapped his head which caused him to whimper a bit before he looked down. “Ooooh... Hey Luna. What are you doing in this bed?”

“Well... For one. It’s our room.” Luna deadpanned. “And two. You stumbled into here and passed out and thought we were a ursa bear.”

“Ooooooh.... Welp back to sleep.” Alucard said before laying back down.

“What? NO!” Luna shouted but Alucard was passed out by the time his head hit the bed. “Damn it.”

MEANWHILE......

“Vladypoo? Wake up.” A nice voice said, the sleeping russian just groaned

“Augh five more minutes mom.” Vlad muttered as he put a pillow over his head, wait there were no pillows in a Stasis tube. Where was he, Vlad opened his eyes to see Celestia looking at him with a smile on her face. “Oh shit what did Alucard slip into the Vodka?”

“Oh nothing, just your natural hormones that did this.” Celestia said seductively

“AND A WHOLE LOT OF SOME RANDOM PILLS I FOUND!” ALucard shouted as he opened the door. “Naw, just kiddin’. Thought a certain someone would want some of these pain killers.” He held out a small bottle of pills.

“I am Russian, Hangover has no affect on me.” Vlad said proudly

“Wait about five seconds. The vomit will be with you soon.” Alucard said smiling. “Just don’t think of the nastiest tasting thing you will ever imagine.... Or me stomping genitals. Oh the pain.”

“Alucard would you mind.....?” Celestia said as she pushed the babbling human out of her room and closed the door.

“Oh right right sorry!... Hope to god you guys used rubbers. Or whatever they are called. Hurray for Sex ED class!” Alucard said as his voice faded into the distance.

and then (THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN REDACTED!)

Let’s skip to Breakfast shall we?

“So I was all like ‘You can’t do that!’ then he said something like ‘yea I can’ Then I stabbed him sixty eight times in the chest.... With a toothpick. And my axes!” Alucard said to a random guard.

A female scream from Celestia’s room echoed through the breakfast hall. “I see Vlad is up.” Alucard said smiling as he munched on some toast. “Hope he knows the safe haven that is cold water.”

“Thats the eighth time today.” A guard muttered

“What can we say? Humans go for a long time.” Alucard said shrugging.

As if on cue Vlad in his dress uniform and Celestia walked into the room. “Morning Comrades”

“Sup blueballs?” Alucard said munching on his toast.

“Shut up, I need water.”

“Shoulda thought about that beforehand then huh? God Liquor messes with my mind. I feel so much more.... What is that word I almost never use?” Alucard said staring off.

“Sane?” Luna asked

“Maybe... I was going for... Calm! That’s it! I am by no means sane mylady.” Alucard said turning to Luna. “I am merely implying the fact that alcohol causes a hangover which in turn makes me act with somewhat rational thoughts.”

Everyone in the breakfast hall just stopped and stared at Alucard. “What?” He asked biting into his toast.

“Alucard remind me to get you drunk more often.” Luna said sarcastically, Vlad just sat and ate a ration he had on him.

“Oh can I taste?” Celestia said taking a bite of Vlads eggs.

“Those are eggs.” He said with no emotion, he heard a gag behind him and smiled

“You eat the unborn?!” Celestia Exclaimed, Vlad nodded.

“Taste the sadness!”

“Tastes like chicken!” Alucard said from behind Vlad.

“YOU ROAST THE UNBORN!?” Luna shrieked

“Well... Maybe? I dunno. I eat cats sometimes.” Alucard said shrugging.

“Cats are good eatin if you cook them correctly.” Vlad said shrugging earning another gag from celestia

“Meh, turn’em into jerky it all tastes the same.” Alucard said.

“Remember that one in ponyville? What was its name?” Vlad said with a grin

“I dunno... Wait what are we talking about? Ponies or cooking food?” Alucard asked.

“The cat we ate! Oppenheimer or somthing like that?”

“Oh yeah... Umm. Oh oh Opal I think?” Alucard said.

“YOU ATE OPAL!” Luna cried, Vlad and Alucard nodded simultainiously

“She clawed my face! And well... I hit her with my axe.” Alucard said sheepishly.

“Splains why it was so tender in the stew.” Vlad said happily, he heard Celetsia gag a third time.

“Um... Celly are you sick or something?” Alucard asked looking at Celestia.

“Yeah I can make you some soup alla cat!” Vlad said dying of laughter, celestia finally vomited on the floor.

“THATS NOT FUNNY!” She said

“Aw... All over my shoe.” Alucard said looking down.

“I...Im sorry! You soulda seen the look on your face! This isn’t real eggs! This is egg substitute! And I never ate Opal that was a stray!”

“... We didn’t eat that prissy little bitch of a cat?... I mean! Yeah of course we didn’t!” Alucard said looking from side to side.

“We’ll eat him later.” Vlad said hearnig another volley of vomit

“Aw... My other shoe.” Alucard said looking down again.

“Vladimir is not only good killer but epic comedian!” Vlad shouted as he slapped himself on the knee.

“Quite frankly good sir I find your humor a vulgar.” Alucard said completely out of character.

“Oh look at Mr Fancy Schmancy over here! Bad enough you got named after a freakin cartoon!” Vlad said still laughing, an empty bottle of vodka slipped from his shirt and rolled across the floor

“Oh yes like that is so bad. At least who I was named after had a sense of humor.” Alucard said smiling. Vlad got up from his chair and wrapped his arm around celestia

“You see this man is named after crazy bastard on television show. I remember when he explain why he named after it. Something to do with a microwave or something.” Vlad said his speech now a bit slurred, he wreaked of Vodka.

“The lady at the orphanage said I killed the doctor that helped my mother birth me!” Alucard said happily. “Then I killed the guard at the orphanage! And was sent to an insane asylum! Those people were nice.”

“If only you hadn’t been dropped on head as child!” Vlad said as he leaned against Celestia who was now smiling again knowing she hadn’t actually eaten eggs.

“I wasn’t dropped!... I was thrown out a window thank you very much.” Alucard said crossing his arms.

“WE HATH HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BICKERING! WE DEMAND THAT ALUCARD BE IN OUR BED CHAMBER IN ONE HOUR FOR A STERN TALKING TO!” Luna shouted in her royal canterlot voice. Celesita giggled as Vlad slipped and fell to the floor which had been cleaned magically.

“Wazzat?” Alucard said holding a hand to his ear. “I can’t hear anythin’.”

“SHE SAY SHE WANTS YOU IN HER BED!” Vlad stammered as he clambered to his feet.

“WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR.” Alucard shouted.

“SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!” Vlad shouted as loud as possible

“WHAT!?” Alucard shouted again still deaf from Luna’s voice. “HOLD ON A SECOND!”

Alucard pulled out a single tube of a strange cyan fluid before he slammed it down on a needle on his RIG before it drained and he cracked his neck with a sigh. “Alright... Now I can hear again. What did she say?” Alucard said.

“SHE WANTS TO FUCK YOU!” Vlad shouted again receiving a quick slap from celestia followed by a giggle. Vlad had spiked his own eggs with vodka and it was having effects on the princess.

“Ooookay? I still have no idea what that means. But I am off!” Alucard said as he walked out the door. Luna looked mortified by the scene unfolding in front of her, Vlad staggered over to her and through his arm around her.

“Be gentle with him.” He said with a chuckle before staggering off to find another bottle of Vodka

“That was not what we were implying you drunken fool!” Luna shouted blushing like mad. The click of a firing pin made her stop shouting at the drunken russian and when he was gone she sighed in relief. Then Alucard came back.

(~*~*~*~*~*~)

“Wait where did I leave my axes. And my guns... Oh right! I left my axes in the ceiling!” Alucard said happily as he looked up and jumped up before he just simply looked as if he suspended himself in the air. “Oop.... It’s stuck.” Then Luna entered.

ONE MORE SHIPPING SCENE LATER......

(~*~*~*~*~*~)

Alucard came stumbling down the halls in only a set of Jeans and for some reason the helmet to his suit. He stumbled a few more feet before he found Vlad and sat down next to him.

“Hello comrade!” Vlad said taking a gulp from a bottle of dandelion wine

“I... I don’t know what just happened.” Alucard said sounding extremely confused.

“You’ve never fucked a horse before?” Vlad said drunkinly

“I don’t know what happened.” Alucard said from behind his mask.

“Hey take that mask off I think you make faces at me under there!” Vlad said with a chuckle.

“Well I do. But still. I am sooooo confused.” Alucard said taking the helmet off to reveal a rather ragged looking Alucard.

“Think of her as beutiful earth woman then imagine horse version!”

“... Are you supposed to use bed sheets like that?” Alucard asked.

“Only in russia comrade, it is illegal in every other part of world.” Vlad said offering a bottle of dandelion wine to his friend

“Huh... I am taking this.” Alucard said picking up the bottle and walking out of the room.

“THAT IS SPIRIT COMRADE!” Vlad said triumphantly before finding Celestia staring at him.

“I need fuel for the fire I am going to build.” Alucard said as he walked out. “Lots and lots of fire.”