Spike Becomes a Shipper

by Pyromaniac

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 1349

Spike decides to be a shipper. Yeah... he's gonna fail.

CANCELLED. DO NOT ASK ME TO WRITE MORE.

One day Spike is bored and does what any normal person does, ships his friends.

This is just a quick comedy that I'll update when I'm bored. Other tag because I have no idea how ponies are gonna get in.

NO clop.

Published 2013-10-25 12:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-25 12:20:01 UTC

First Attempt: Pinkie X Gummy

First Attempt: Pinkie X Gummy

Spike sighed, rolling a quill around. After Twilight became a princess, she didn't need Spike as much.

"You've helped me out since I was seven, Spike, you deserve a break." Twilight told him, but Spike knew she could use her swarms of servants instead of him. His only consolidation was when Twilight asked him to take care of Golden Oaks library for her.

"I can't now that I'm a princess." She reassured him. "And I only trust my number one assistant with such an important task."

And so, here is Spike, alone with Owloyisious, bored out of his little dragon mind when an idea hits him. No, not any idea, and absolutely amazing, completely foolproof idea!

"I should become a shipper!" Spike declared, jumping up.

"Hoo?" Owloyisious hooted, flying up a bit.

"Me, you featherbrain." Spike sighed. Yeah, Owloyisious was kinda cool, but he was SO stupid sometimes. "I'm gonna be a shipper. There are a lot of singles in Ponyville, but who do I know closely?"

The dragon thought for a moment. "Pinkie Pie! And I know just who she should choose as her mate..."

"Hooo." Owloyisious facewinged, knowing this was going to end badly already. Spike grabbed the poor bird and ran out the door.

"Pinkie's gonna love this guy... she does already! Just not the way she will." Spike blabbered as he made a beeline for Sugarcube Corner. Anypony who knows Pinkie knows she'll be at the sweetest place in town, A.K.A. her job.

"You know, he's a really good friend of yours, I think." The purple creature yammered on as the owl contemplated suicide.

"Hoo."

"You'll see!" Spike swished his scaley tail as he opened the door to the kingdom of sweets. A sugary pink pony was immediately in his face.

"Hiya Spike! Watcha doing?! Didja come for cupcakes?! I just made a batch!" Pinkie Pie shoved a rainbow-frosted cupcake with a tricolored lighting bolt in her poor friend's face.

"Um, not exactly." Spike tried to remember if he saw Rainbow Dash recently. "I need to talk to you. In your room."

"My room. Why my room?" The cotton candy-scented mare asked, absolutely clueless.

"Only you Pinkie." The bipedal male sighed. "Because reasons."

"Oh, okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie hopped up the stairs to her room, Spike and Owloyisious behind her. "And only me what?"

"Only you are the number one baker in Equestria." Spike lied, well not exactly, but you get his point.

"Really? Awwww." The mare blushed, opening her door. Spike released Owloyisious, who got as far away from the psycho as possible. The dragon selected a seat on a soft couch as Pinkie laid on the floor, snuggling Gummy. Spike smiled, his plan may just work after all...

"So, watcha wanna talk about?" Pinkie asked, nuzzling her toothless alligator's head.

"Pinkie, do you ever feel lonely?" Spike asked. The pink mare opposite him shook her head furiously.

"Of course not, silly goose! I have so many friends, I'm never lonely!"

"I mean... you know what I mean."

"A riddle? I love riddles! 'Do I ever feel lonely?'..."

"No! Pinkie, do you ever want a coltfriend?"

The sugarhigh filly stared at him.

"Oh, Spikey-wikey, you're too young for me, and I thought you liked Rarity." Pinkie said as Owloyisious hooted in laughter. "Did something happen?! Did I ruin something, do I need to help save your love?!"

Spike facepalmed.

"No, Pinkie, I think I found the perfect guy for you."

"Oh! Who is he?! Do I know him?!" Pinkie gasped, thrilled by the fact that she didn't ruin a relationship. She was really glad she hid all her Spikeity pictures she drew the night previous in her closet.

"Very much,"

"Ooh, is it... Big Macintosh?"

"No,"

"No, I don't know him that well anyway... Caramel?"

"No,"

"Oh, right, he's my cousin... who then?"

"Gummy,"

Pinkie looked between her pet and Spike.

"Gummy? But... he's my pet."

"But is there anyone who knows you better? Knows all your secrets?" Spike asked, looking at her.

"Oh my Celestia, you're RIGHT! Gummy is my waifu!" Pinkie exclaimed, holding Gummy up and staring at him like he was an alien, which he could well be. Owloyisious shook his brown feathered head, the situation getting more painful by the second.

"Gummy is my waifu! Gummy is my waifu!" Pinkie said singsongedly, twirling around, falling on her bed in a romantic fashion. "I think I'm in love."

"I'll leave you two alone..." Spike stood up, carefully walking out.

"Bye-bye, and thank yooouu!" The mare squealed. Owloyisious followed Spike, flapping for his life.

***

Spike chewed on a gem slowly staring out the window. It was cloudy outside, kinda depressing. He jumped at the sound of the library door slamming against the wall, then closing again harshly, followed by loud, feminine sobs. Spike turned around and saw Pinkie Pie with a flat mane screaming and crying, holding a handkerchief which was too drenched in her tears to be any help. The pink mare fell on the floor, a large puddle forming around her face. Spike walked over, wondering if she had drowned in her own bodily fluids.

As soon as he stooped down to be nose-to-nose with her, Pinkie shot back up, her wails still loud.

"Whoa, Pinkie, calm down!" The dragon yelled, trying to match the earth pony in decibels. "What's wrong?"

The mare cried something in gibberish, before sniffing and sobbing again. Spike was amazed at the now lake-sized puddle of tears on the floor.

"Did you burn your hoof?" Spike asked worriedly.

Pinkie shook her head.

"Did the Cakes kick you out?"

Nope, was the reply.

"Did-"

"Gummy cheated on me!" Pinkie finally cried out, her voice hoarse. Spike blinked.

"That jerk," Spike said, pulling up a chair. If he had any idea Gummy was a two-timing bastard, he would have told Pinkie to stay far, far away.

He handed Pinkie a new handkerchief, and she slowly stopped crying.

"Y-yeah, I saw him with R-Ra... *hic* Rarity's c-c-cat!" She sniffled, about to burst into tears again, but Spike shoved his claw in her mouth, finally removing it when he deemed the mare calm enough.

"How do you know he was cheating on you?" Spike inquired.

"H-he was s-sitting with Opal wh-when..." Pinkie took a deep breath. "When he leaned in close..."

Spike leaned in towards Pinkie.

"And he opened his mouth, and she, her's..."

Their eyes widened.

"And they..."

Dramatic pause.

"Made noises at each other. I couldn't believe it! I finally talked to him, and told him to choose between her and me. Know what he did?" Pinkie whimpered. Spike didn't answer, so she continued. "He just stared at me! So I came straight here."

Spike held her as she cried again, now more softly.

"I thought he was the one..." Pinkie whispered.

"Don't sweat it Pinkie, there'll be more guys. One day, Mr. Right will come along." Spike soothed, stroking the mare's mane.

"He promised me forever..."

"Poni- er, alligators lie."

"How will I be able to live through this?" She asked, looking at Spike with her watery blue eyes.

"How long were you together?" The dragon asked.

"About three minutes." She answered. "Why?"

"They say it takes twice as long to get over them. But you will survive. Got it, Pinkie?"

The mare nodded sharply.

"Good, now go out and make him regret ever choosing another mar- er, cat, over you!"

"Yeah!"

Pinkie hopped out, her mane and tail popping back into their usual, curly style.

Six minutes later...

"Hey, Spike!" Pinkie bounced back inside the library, carrying a basket of letters.

"Hey, Pinkie Pie," Spike said, looking up from his romance book. "Whatcha need? Over Gummy now?"

Pinkie didn't even look sad at the mention of her former lover.

"Eeyup! I am completely over him. Speaking of Gummy..." Pinkie pulled out a letter and handed it to Spike. At first glance, the dragon saw it was an invitation. "Want to come to my 'I'm-over-Gummy-and-I-hate-him-because-he's-a-two-timing-b*tch party?"

Spike blinked before whispering to himself...

"...What in Celestia's name did I do?"