Introduction: I will tell you...
This is the strangest moment of my life.
I mean that. I truly do. For the first time in my life, I am at a loss of what to do to resolve this conflict, a conflict that needs to end one way or another. The fact that I feel so uncertain is strange, as I've never felt that way before, when faced with a crossroads like this. I had come to terms with my own uncertainty and emptiness, not knowing what I believed in, not feeling anything, and not caring. To be certain of your beliefs and to let your emotions influence you is to limit your own view of the world around you. You become biased, can only see things from your eyes, and will never be able to experience the world without the filters of your own morals, beliefs, and feelings.
It was never a problem for me. I never believed in anything, even when others said I should. I had no reasons for my actions, and felt nothing. At least, that was the way it used to be. Now I'm not so sure if that is how I am or will be in the future.
If I were capable of genuine laughter, I would be laughing right now. Being uncertain about my uncertainty. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? Don't answer that. I know you can't respond to anything I'm saying right now. You will soon enough, though.
And what do I mean by that? What is the purpose of this message from me to whoever is willing to listen? Why am I telling you all this?
Simply put, I need help.
Currently, I am sitting in a place- is it a physical place? Does it actually exist somewhere in the universe? I don't know, but from what I've been told, it can be, depending on what I choose to do. Anyway, I'm here in this large room by myself, sitting on a couch playing Far Cry 3 on an Xbox 360 (in a past life, I was mostly a PC gamer, but there's nothing wrong with consoles every now and then. Just thought you should know) and contemplating my entire life up to this point.
Wait, life isn't the right word. Existence, maybe? Yes, I think that works better in this case.
Anyway, I've experienced Far Cry 3 many times, sometimes through the keyboard and monitor, and other times... Well, I don't want to give anything away just yet, but I think I can safely say that I'm much more familiar with the setting and events than most.
Funny that I'm playing it at this particular moment, too, as there is one cutscene that seems to relate to my past experiences and is really making me think. Now, those of you who've played it or seen the trailers, you know that iconic scene with the main villain, Vaas.
"Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? Insanity is doing the exact same fucking thing, over and over again, expecting shit to change. That. Is. Crazy."
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. A small part of me feels like that's an apt description for what my existence has been like. The formula stayed the same, though the circumstances to which it was applied were different every time. And the expected result? What was I trying to accomplish? Or was it ever really about what I wanted, if I wanted anything at all?
No. It wasn't about that at all. Rather, it was about what those two wanted.
Two people who are quite close to me (well, closer than anyone has ever been). Two people who have had a serious impact on my existence. Two people who are waiting outside this room for me to choose.
So this is the situation. Those two want different things from me. Each of them claim to be right, each of them denounces the other, and the only way to end it all is for me to choose. Even if I don't choose, I'm technically still choosing.
That's where I need help. Your help, whoever it is I'm communicating with. I need a neutral perspective, an impartial point of view to help me decide how this all ends. It doesn't matter if you will develop a strong, rational opinion on the matter. Or if you develop a strong irrational opinion. Or if you're just plain bored and have nothing better to do. Your reasons are your own.
But you may be wondering how you can help if all I'm doing now is speaking in veiled references and not providing any actual information. Don't worry, I will just as soon as I finish with this monologue, so be patient.
Or perhaps I'm speaking too much, already. If so, I apologize. Moments like this are rare for me, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. Nor am I sure of what I will make of what I have done in the past, particularly what I have done to those ponies.
Yes, ponies. Intelligent, sapient ponies whose values and social behavior conflicted with the laws of the world outside their little utopia. They paid the price for it. They all suffered at the hands of me and my friend (I'll call him that because I don't know what else to call him at this point).
But I did not enjoy it, nor do I regret my actions. Like I said before, I have no need for emotion, no need for morality, no need for beliefs. I just sort of... do things. That may change, though, depending on what happens next. Many things might change, or they might stay the same. It all comes down to the choice that I make now with your help. Of course, you probably want to know more before you offer your advice.
So, I will use this moment to tell you.
What will I tell you? Everything.
I will tell you how I came to be this way. I will tell you how and why this place exists. I will tell you how I found a world that didn't fit in. I will tell you how I saw a new way to live, and how I denied it. I will tell you about all those whose lives I've ended without pause. I will tell you about the only person I ever cared about, the only person whose laws I followed, and what they want from me now.
I will tell you the story of the Stranger.