Metal Gear Toast 4: Guns of the Alicorns

by Tommy_Wiseau

Rating: teen
Tags: Apple Bloom, Rainbow Dash, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Adventure, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 3336

Toast, and all of your favorite characters from True Equestrian Radio are here!

Ponytoast and the Equestrian Islands Government have had it with the tyranny of Alicorn Applebloom and the rest of the Alicorn crusaders.

Read as Toast is in a race against the time to extinguish the abomination, but soon after his own creation will turn on him...

Published 2013-03-15 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-15 23:02:14 UTC

Act 0: Prolouge

MLP has changed. It's no longer about a good plot, ideologies or morals. It's an endless series of proxy battles, carried out by alicorns and machines. MLP, and its consumption of life, has become a well-oiled machine. MLP has changed. ID tagged bronies wear ID tagged shirts, use ID tagged merch. Nanomachines inside their bodies enhance and regulate their abilities. Genetic control. Information control. Emotion control. Spaghetti control. Everything is monitored, and kept under control. MLP has changed. The age of deterrence has become the age of control. All in the name of doing what is best for the fandom. And he who controls the show, controls history. MLP has changed. When Hasbro is under total control, War... becomes routine.

~-------------------Act 0: Prologue-------------------~

Toast was sitting at his desk, starting his True Equestrian Radio show. He noticed there was only one listener, and thought it was impossible. There was also only one in the queue.

“Where is everypony? Can anyone hear me?”

Nobody responded, the chat was desolate of its usual spamming. Not only that, but when he looked at his Skype, Toast was the only one online.

“Well, there is no one else here, except you 202, so 202 you’re on the horn, who is best pony?”

There was a brief silence before it responded

“Foxtrot Hotel Zulu 9 5 6 72 4 8 3 32 3 5 62 0 1 3 65 664 3 0 9…”

Said a monotone strong male voice, almost as if it was a robot, it continued naming out the numbers.

“Goddamn it, I gave YOU time on MY show to talk about ponies, not some capitalist carrotbowl numbers.”

After a few minutes of rambling to himself, he realized still no one was listening in other than that capitalist carrot bowl bot, so he ended the show. He thought to himself, why no one would be calling in, maybe there is something big happening… Before he could finish his thought, his phone started ringing. The number was a Private Caller; he thought it was a telemarketer, so he let it go to message.

“O hai Toast, we found it, we require your assistance to destroy it once and for all...”
Toast was horrified, the thing that has been haunting him for a whole year has came back. He packed his bags, got his equipment, and drove to the airport. He used his donation money from the show to buy a ticket to the Island nation, only known as Equestria; a big island chain bought by a few bronies, and was converted into a country exclusive to bronies.

During the flight, he noticed someone on the other side of the row; the person has not moved the whole flight. Toast knew something was wrong; he got up to see if the man was alright.

“Sir, are you alright?”

As Toast asked the question, he noticed something weird, there was a red reflection coming out from inside the hoodie. Before he could even react, a tripedal machine latched on to his face.

Toast took out his can, and hit the robot as hard as he could and knocked it off of him, but more started pouring out of the air ducts.

“METAL GEAR!?”

He started running, the other people were panicking running everywhere as well. Toast knew what needed to be done, he ran to the pilot’s cockpit.

The pilot was in there was blaring out nonsense.

“Hey, I need you to open the door, I can help.” Said Toast

The door opened, but on the other side was someone he has not seen in a long time.

“Tooaasst, how’s it going.” Said Super Kami Guru

“BUT, YOU’RE DEAD, HOW ARE YOU HERE?!”

“When you shot me, I went into cardiac arrest and died, but that was not the end, for me, I had collected all 9 dragonballs and absorbed there energy when I died, effectively not only reviving me, but making me a god, thus I AM THE REAL SUPER SAND.”

“Are you here to kill me?” Toast did not know what to feel.

“No, of course not” said the Guru

“I AM HERE TO SAVE YOU!”

Before Toast could respond pulled toast to the closest exit, Kami gave him a Parachute and pushed him out, Super Kami Guru followed behind, he was not falling he was flying.

Toast glided down to the ground, leaving a plummeting airplane in his wake.

“Welp” said the Toast in an I Don’t Give a Fuck Kind of way

The Colonel was down there waiting for them.

“O hai Toast and Kami” said the Colonel.

“Hello Colonel.” Said ze Toast

“Haaiiii” te Kami said.

“Ha ha, I told you before, you can call me Tommy, no need to be so uptight.” Said Colonel Wiseau.

“Well anyway… Tommy, my plane was destroyed by METAL GEAR.” Said le Toast

“What a story, Toast”

Toast and Kami jumped into the Jeep. They drove to the Military Base. Tommy, Toast, and Super Kami Guru walked into to the “The Room”.

------------~Mission Briefing~------------

“Ok Toast, here is what happen, after end of season 11; Alicorn Applebloom took power over the Middle East. Your job is to infiltrate their main base in Syria, and kill Applebloom before she gets any more powerful.” Explained Wiseau

“Got it” said Toast

Toast went to the armory to get ready for the upcoming mission, Tommy and Super Kami Guru were still in “The Room”

“Uhm, Colonel?”

“O hai, Cpl. Fluttershy, wat do you have to report?” asked Tommy

“Uhm, I don’t know, uhm, I would have to say, that…” Flutters said quizzically looking at the monitors.

She gasped and yelled “ThereHasBeenASecurityBreach.”

On the monitors, was shown a whole army of Apple bloom’s soldiers.

“YOU’RE TEARING ME APART FLUTTERSHY”

Inside the Armory Toast was startled by the alarm, he got what he needed and left. He looked outside the armory and saw Super Kami Guru get shot out of the sky. He ran behind a barrel and hid. But, they were approaching at a faster rate; he had to find a better place. Without thinking he lifted the barrel and hid under it a single lone soldier wandered near the barrel, so Toast took advantage of the opportunity and slit the man’s throat. He put on the uniform and acted as if he was one of them. He walked up to the fallen body of Super Kami Guru.

“Super Kami Guru, are you alright?!”

“OF COURSE, I AM, I was just shot out of the air during a Spirit Bomb.”

“Well you look fine to me, I will send for a medic.” And Toast did as he said

After making sure Super Kami Guru was fine, he walked toward one of the squads, and followed them to a harrier; thankfully Toast was skillful in the flying of harriers. He took out two P90s and shot the two squad members next to him then shot the one in front and back.
As he was getting in the Chopper, some soldier came in from behind and aimed the gun towards Toast’s head.

“Put your weapon’s down! Now!” said the young soldier, anxiously.

Toast did as he was told

“You did not even take the safety off, rookie.” Said Toast

When the rookie looked to see if his safety was on Toast had already disarmed him. He was on the ground begging for mercy.

“How did you survive ten years? Get out of here or die.” Said Toast
The Rookie ran out of view as fast as he could.

Toast entered the Harrier once again, and started it up; at the last minute Super Kami Guru got on, and was ready to go.

Author's Note

O hai, viewer.

My name is Tommy Wiseau, you may know me from such great works such as The Room
You might say "Tommy why is there no scene of passing around the football?" and I respond by simply saying.
What a story, Viewer

Act 1 : Toasty Sun

~-------Act 1: Toasty Sun-------~

“Toooast, I need something to eat.” Said the hungry and impatient Guru.

“Super Kami Guru, if you do not shut your mouth I will shut it for you” said Toast

Toast threw a can at Guru to express his anger.

“Toast why do you do thiiis”

Super Kami Guru frowned and sat still for a couple of hours. Soon enough “The Super Kami Toastcopter” was drifting down for a gas stop. They were already half way to their destination in Afghanistan. They went into the gas station building, to get some food for Super Kami Guru, but before they could make it in, five black men with aluminum bats and bombs attached to their bellies, were standing in front of them. One of them stepped up.

“Where is the pizza Toast” said what looked like the main black man.

“I don’t have a pizza, I am not the pizza deliverer you used to know me as” said Toast

“You’re not understanding, I need food, for mah KEEDZ.”

All the black men ran at Toast and yelled “FOR MAH KEEDZ” They detonated the bombs, to early and did not hurt Toast at all.

“Toast why did you not just shoot those black plebs, black people do not matter, they deserve to die.” Said the prejudice Super Kami Guru.

“Super Kami Guru, stop being so racist…” Toast started to say, but Super Kami Guru cut him off. “Toast, stop hiding it, we all know you are a racist.”

“I am not a racist, I am a Boiling Kettle of Tea!” screamed Toast, offended at Super Kami Guru’s true statement.

Super Kami Guru then started laughing, both at Toast’s oblivious racism, and at their current circumstances. They both realize the Alicorn Crusaders were not the only ones trying to kill them. Once they got gas and food, they left once again. Toast turned on the radio, to hear something so horrible, that one shudders to understand the artists mind, one of harsh and sustained cruelty; it was All Star by Smashmouth. Toast screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw a can on the “radio off” button.

“You should’ve checked yourself, before you…” began Super Kami Guru

“Don’t you dare say the rest, if you know what’s good for ya.” said Toast angrily.

For the rest of the flight they had uneventful idle chitchat. When they arrived they descended to the helipad, and got out of “The Super Kami Toastcopter”.

“OH hai Toast” Wiseau said as he walked up to the duo.

“… How did you get here so fast?” Asked Toast

“I was flying in my Tommy WiJet filming my Tommy WiShow.” Explained Tommy Wiseau

Tommy, Super Kami Guru, and Toast started walking to his Tommy WiAPC.

“What is our job” asked Toast.

“As we speak Alicorn Applebloom is meeting with the rest of the Alicorn crusaders, if you intercept their meeting, you might be able to kill Applebloom.” WiXplained Tommy.

When they were all ready and settled, they drove off to where most of the fighting was occurring.

“UnWifortuneably, I cannot go any WiFurther.” Said Wiseau

“Pls for all of our sanity stop with the WiPuns.” Said Toast

Tommy released a frown, it was clear that he was deeply saddened. Toast did not care, as long as he would stop making ridiculous annoying puns.

“Ok, I must go, and save my people, or else I must face my Full Life consequences.” Said Toast determinately.

Toast released the hatch on top of the Tommy WiTank. Super Kami Guru and Toast got out and jumped off.

“Super Kami Guru, you are going to go 1253 meters southwest of this position, there, is a camp, I need you to take out the watch towers, got it?” said Toast

“Got it” said Guru

Toast walked up to a group of militia, trying to protect their homeland from being converted into a cancerland. On the other side of the street was a group of PMCs, attacking the militia. PMCs are soldiers who don’t fight for anything, they fight to fight, even when they were a kid they were designed to fight, playing Call of Toast, or Tommy WiField 3 desensitized them to death and destruction.

While Toast was deep in thought, his codec suddenly started ringing, so he answered it, it was from an unknown frequency, 956.72.

“Hello, this is Toast.”

“Hello Mr. Toast, would you like to hear about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?”

“No I do not, I do not want to hear bout your capitalist carrot bowl”

As Toast ended the codec call, three PMC troops ran up to Toast, and highered their weapons to shoot, but before they could, something had shot all three of them in almost an instant.

The Watchful Walter, was helping Toast this whole him, following him, making sure he was safe, but Toast did not know that Walter was even still following the fandom, he had claimed to of left, years ago. As matter a fact Toast did not know it was Walter who saved him. Toast continued to Fort. AppleBl0m.

Toast snuck into the compound using his Toast Camo.

He saw AppleBloom on a balcony. He got his Sniper Rifle ready to shoot. Applebloom noticed his presence.

"Hello Brother, how have you been?"

Author's Note

O hai reader.

I worked very WiHard on this so pls WiXcuse my mistakes.

and as always, this has been a Wiseau Films production.

Act 2: Timey Wimey Sun

--------Act 2: Saiyan Sun--------

After the car crash, Toast and Super Kami Guru walked into the forest in which they crashed, in
order to get their bearings.

“Wait, why the hell are we still staying in this forest?” said Toast

“They are probably looking for us, we have to lay low,” explained Super Kami Guru

“I am tired of your bullshit, I am leaving this hellhole, and going back to my peaceful home, you
are no better than those capitalist carrotbowl merceponaries.” Toast then ran off towards the road
ranting.

“What a floop.”

A few moments later…

Super Kami Guru stopped waiting for him to come walking back, it was dark and it just so
happens an Equestrian OP Harrier was flying overhead. Super yelled out to the pilot. The harrier
descended and picked him up. Now, Super is off to cut off his liabilities and tie off the ends.

The Pilot lifted off and started back to the islands.

18 y3r5 34r1i3r…

“M0M, 1 h4t3 y0u, y0u w0n7 137 m3 b3 wh0 1 w4n7 70 b3!” said the young Kami.

“I am TIRED of your fucking bullshit son, there is no such thing as hackers, and you will never be
one!” screamed out Super Mommy Guru frustratingly.

Kami ran upstairs crying hard enough to kill Barack Obama in the future, which would really
be the present, but this is a flashback, so it kills his future self. He slams the door with forces of that of
which a god could not even survive, threatening to destroy the fabric of time. In his room, he turns on
the TV, aka “H4X 5c33n”. The show that was on would end up changing his life forever, Dragonball Z.

“Wh47 k1nD 0f F4gG07 5h0w 15 7h15?” Said the Immature H4x0r Guru.

He continued watching.

All of a sudden he got a sudden urge to all of his energy from watching the show. He started
chanting.

“KAMI KAMI KAMIIIIIII KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

An impulse of energy went through the house killing both of his parents, and effectively fixing
his voice.

It seems like he is evolving…

Immature H4x0r Guru has evolved into… Super Kami Guru! You have earned 2.5 EXP!

Back to present day…

Toast was walking down the road with nowhere to go; he stumbled across a few bodies along
the way. Eventually he made it to a random gas station; he couldn’t help but have a feeling of déjà vu.
He approached the doors. It felt as if somebody was going to ambush him when he opened the doors.
He just stood there staring at the doors, haunted by the memories of his childhood…

18 Kawaii Desu years ago…

Toast was getting ready to go to his first day of Weeaboo Highschool, before he could run out of
the door, his father came up to him.

“I reckon ya goin to Capitalist school like a good boy?” asked the Father

“Kawaii desu, NO father-sun , I will never be like you, you are a capitalist scoundrel, very
unhonorable.” Toast screamed.

“Aw Hell no, Toast, that is it, ur getting the smackdown.” As Toast’s dad said, getting in stance
for the smackdown.

Toast’s Dad gave Toast the smackdown.

Toast was on the ground bleeding, the blood looked Hyper-Realistic, the amount of realism in
the blood caused his father to puke beer.

Then, Toast used his puking as a distraction to get away, He ran to the nearest building other
than his own house, which turned out to be a gas station. He threw open the greasy doors and walked
in.

“Oh no, why do you non Kawaii people have to be in here again, you are all faggot-suns.” Said Toast

“Give us our lunch money now, or else.” There were 4 black children standing in front of him
with plastic knuckles and Plastic Baseball Bats.

“Haven’t you faggot-sons learned the first time?” Toast-Sun said as he unholstered his Super
Desu Kawaiitana.

Before they could respond Toast slashed all of their weapons in half. His victory did not last long,
as the black children had called for their parents.

“What the fuck you think your doin to mah Keedz, I will kill u ass.” Said one of the fathers.

He got out his pistol, held it sideways, and started shooting Toast. When of the bullets hit Toast
in the lung. He was immediately evacuated to the hospital. The doctors said if he does not stop with this
weeaboo talking bullshit, his lung would collapse, so he stopped talking in Desu.

He has never trusted a single black man, or teenager since.

Back to present day…

What Toast saw put him to peace, it was the four black children from his childhood, dead.

“Oh Hai.” Said a mysterious voice.

“Who’s there?” said Toast

“It is me Tommy Wiseau, creator of the Tommy WiShow.” Said Wiseau

“Oh hai, Tommy.” Said Toast

Intermission #1

-------Intermission-------

"Brother, I have been awaiting your arrival, it is nice for you to of made it." Applebloom took off her shades, and threw em' out into the sky above.

A high frequency wave of some sort was sounded across the base, everyone in the vicinity, started falling down writhing in pain except Applebloom. She had something Toast did not, Toast tried shooting but was too distracted from the nausea inducted from the signal Applebloom walked into her helicopter.

"I will be seeing you brother." Applebloom lifted off, and flew away in the south west direction.

Toast eventually got knocked unconscious by the continuous wave.

A Few Hours later ... But not Many...

*HONK HONK*

*HONK HONK*

Toast was still knocked out even with the honking
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Hold it right there Author, I know I am you but, do not make HomeShrek Refferences for the love of all that is Tommy Wiseau." Said Wiseau

Fine I won't, Now back to the circlejerk.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Toast woke up and to his surprise, he woke up in a car. The person driving was, who would've ever expected....Super Kami Guru!

"OH MY GOD What are you doing, you cannot drive a car, you do not know how to." Yelled Toast in alarm.

"AAAAAAAAAHH You are right!!!1!1!111111111111111111" said Guru

They then crashed for no apparent reason, into the forest

"Kami! I told you that you could not drive, why did you not listen? ;~; " Said Toast

Author's Note

Sorry Toast, I forgot all about the show this week, I only had 30 mins to write a chapter