Trumpets

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Excerpt from the Diary of Jessie DeSilva (AKA chapter 24)
Chapter 7
Chapter 16

Chapter 1

The Trumpeter

Hello to the unwanted eyes who are obviously reading this journal. Or diary. Call what you will. Actually, shut it now and pretend you didn't start reading something that has a huge DO NOT READ on the cover. What's your defense? It was to tempting? Unless I'm dead, DO NOT FUCKING READ THIS.

Well, any who, this is the journal or Hunter S. Suntra, or Suns, as I've been called by the little friends I've once had. I've lost them all when I lost my parents and a place to live. Other ten that dreadful orphanage, I haven't had a place for about 2 years since I was 16. So yea, I'm 18.

I couldn't stay in that place. Over-crowded inter-city shit hole were the kids never talk and would probably piss on each others graves. Unlike most of them, the only thing I had was my fathers old Trumpet and my moms old Rosary Beads which I've wrapped around Trumpet.

Yea, yea. It might be weird, but I've named my trumpet. A pet name, yes. Rusty.

I bet you can guess why.

It's about 30 years old, I was told. It still plays, but I rarely play it anymore. It's not because I can't play, because I can play it pretty well. It's because at the Orphanage, as soon as I played a song I was rewarded with a black eye from a black guy.

I'm not being racist. I was the only white person there.

And the only blonde person...

And the only one who had blue eyes...

Yea, I was different. I looked like a rich asshole to them. Someone who defiantly didn't belong. It was like someone put a big target on my back. That is why I left.

I was scared at first because the only things I had was my trumpet, Rosary beads, and the cloths on my back, but I am proud of the fact that I've traveled about 20 miles for that orphanage within my years! I'm still in the city, but I stopped and set up shop at Co- Op city. You know, the buildings with a shit ton of Co-Ops?

Pretty obvious...

So, let me tell you how I ended up in a place inhabited by talking ponies who come in every color imaginable. Orange? They've got that! Pink? They've for that, too! Purple? Fuck yea they got it! Hell, they even have a fucking rainbow one! Oh, just make sure you don't call them horses! They DO NOT like that!

And that's not the only thing strange about these ponies! Oh, you thought them talking and coming in all the imaginable colors wasn't strange enough? Nope! There is fucking flying ponies called Pegasuses (Pegasi?) an fucking Unicorns who can use magic! MAGIC! Emphasis on fucking MAGIC!

Yup. Fuck Logic.

Right now, I am trapped In a room in a palace for some shit. I heard 'Palace' before I was rudely teleported here. Luckily, I'm not in a jail cell. I'm in a pretty regal room. Pretty nice. Lots of books. Maybe after I finish writing this I will read a few.

The story as to how I get here starts with me getting teleported into a forest next to a town I learned was named Ponyville (Gah, I know. Horrible). I forget what it's name was. Evergreen, maybe? Everfree? I dunno. Doesn't matter.

I was walking to a spot were I go to play on the street corner for a little pocket change. I took back alleyways for the hell of it and for the fact my cloths were ripped and shit and my hair was even worse. Long and more of a mess then OJ Simpson would've been in if he couldn't afford the best lawyers money can buy. I wanted to be seen as little as possible, though I doubt I'd be recognized as someone other then one of this cities thousands of homeless people.

I was arriving at the end of the last alleyway before the street. This alleyway was lined with graffiti and garbage containers that reeked with week old food that just sits there and rots.

And rots.

It's disgusting, to when I saw a bright light glowing from one of them, I have no idea for the life of me why I decide to go an check it out. I clenched my nose as I walked up to the open garbage container. I peeked my head inside and saw a circular sphere that seemed to made of pure light. Me, being completely fucking utterly stupid, decided to touch it.

I felt a wave of energy run through my veins. I clutched shut my eyes and when I opened them, I was in a forest.

Expecting something more exciting? Sorry.

Me, obviously, freaked the fuck out. I yelled out multiple curses ranging from 'Fuck' to 'Cock Muncher' to nothing in particular. I was scared. The forest was freaky. Dark. It just reeked of evil. I held tight my trumpet, which was luckily still with me. I tremble down and whispered the good ol' phrase "There's no place like home," as I slowly walked one way with hopes of finding the end of this place.

I kept looking around for any dangers. I didn't see any. But, I knew better. There is always more then what you just see. That fact held through, as I heard loud breathing from right behind me. I slowly looked back and saw a fucking huge creature that looked like a lion with wings and a scorpion tail. 'Are you fucking kidding me!' I thought as I ran the fuck away. Years of running from cops after being yelled at for public urination helped me a bit here. With the beast in hot pursuit, I sprinted away.

Maybe a good 10 minutes of sprinting and my legs gave out. I was gasping for air as I tried to get my legs working. I fell to the ground. Before I could get up, the creature jumped on me, pinning me down. I struggled with what little power I had, but to no avail. I screamed for help as he threw a paw at my face. He caught both my eyes and nearly blinding me. I could only see blurred shapes as he continued to go at me. With the last breath I had, I muscles my arm free and brought my trumpet to my mouth. I blew into it with all my might, letting out a very distorted note. Another paw came down on me as I blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't remember my dreams, but I can tell they were probably nightmares. Those are the only dreams I have, anyways.

I woke up with what felt like bandages around my eyes. I let out a groan as I tried to move, but felt restraints around my arms and legs. 'Dafuq?'

"It's awake!" A feminine voice said.

'It?'

"Don't go near it! It may be dangerous!" the same voice exclaimed.

"Aw, come on, Twilight! It's tied down!" another feminine voice said, but this time a lot more tom-boyish.

'Twilight? What the fuck kinda nick-name is that?'

"She's righ', Rainbow. He looks dangerous!" a very southern female voice said.

'Rainbow? That's even worse!'

"Fiiiiiine," the Tom-boy voice gave in an exaggerated sigh.

I let out an 'Ahem' and started to speak, but I found my voice very raspy. "Uh, hello?"

I heard a few gasps and the first voice. " It can speak! And it knows Equestrian!"

"Equestrian? Like horses?"

"We are no horses, mister," the souther voice said.

"I'd hope not! They'd be fucking strange!"

"What's 'fucking' mean?" the tom-boyish voice asked.

" Are you serious?" I said with a laugh.

"Yea! What does it mean?"

"Wow! How can you not know that? It means to get it on!"

"Huh?"

"You know, going to the bone yard?"

"What?"

"Gettin' her to Gaz?"

"Uh..."

"Going balls deep? Bumping uglies? Doing the horizontal bop? Taking old one eye to the optometrist? Shagging?"

There was a brief silence. "What?"

If I wasn't tied down, I would've face-palmed. " To have sex. It means to have sex."

"Ooooohhhhh!"

" But it doesn't just mean that. It depends on how you use it, like in 'Fuck You!'"

"I... Think I understand."

"Good, now would you mind explaining why I'm tied down?"

"Because you may be dangerous!" the first voice I heard answered.

"How the fuck can I be dangerous? I can't even see! I had my eyes clawed out!"

"Oh, we healed that," Good.

"But I still have a blindfold on, don't I?"

"Well, yes. But I don't want you hurting anypony!"

"Whoa whoa whoa, Anypony?"

"Yes, anypony. Why?"

"Why would you say that?"

"What else would we say?"

"Anyone, perhaps? It's not like you're a pony or some shit."

"Um, you're not from around here, are you?"

"I would answer that if I knew were the fuck I was."

"I think I should take the blindfold off. Do Not Panic!"

"Why would I panic?" with that, te blindfold came off. What I saw was something that made me almost piss myself. I saw three horses, or ponies,actually. One was Orange with blonde mane and a cowboy hat, another was Purple with black mane with purple shaded streaks within in, and the other was cyan with a rainbow mane. Each had hair styled like a human.

I stayed still, shocked for a second. Then, I burst into laughter. "Oh man! I must've smoked some real badass weed!"

The ponies looked at each other as I still laughed. They quickly left the room.

I was still laughing when I saw a white face peek in. Te door quickly closed when I looked that way. Maybe 5 minutes later I was teleported into the room I am now.

So yea. That's what happened. I know very little since I read a few books in this room. I found out about the Pegasus and Unicorns and shit. As I write this, I still am betting on this being a dream.

Well, better sleep to see if it is...

Chapter 2

Not a dream! I repeat, this shit is not a dream!

I woke up with hopes of me being back in my cardboard box back in NY, but I had no such luck.

When I opened my eyes, I was in the same god damn bed. I realized this shit wasn't a dream, and panics more then I did yesterday. 'Why couldn't this have just been an elaborate dream?' I thought.

After 10 minutes, a messed up room, and many bloodied fingers later, a calmed down. Mostly because I was and I was losing about of blood. One cut on my middle finger was about an inch deep and I could see my bone. 'God dammit! My favorite finger!' How I got it, I do not know. I was randomly swinging my fists, connecting with random things in a fit of rage, so it could be anything.

'Or it's the bloody shelve case...' I thought, looking at said case.

Along the edge of it was a streak of blood. I ran an non-injured finger over it, and felt it was relatively sharp.'Yup, that'll do it...'

I rushed into the bathroom (pretty god damn nice) and turned on the sink to wash out my Boo-Boo. It stung like a mother fucker as soon as the hot water touched it. I cursed at the pain and added soap to the mix. A thorough washing later and I had myself a still bleeding, but at least clean, inch deep cut. I tore off the sleeve to my shirt and was about to wrap it over my finger when I realized it hasn't been washed in years, so lord knows what kind of bacteria is on it. I dropped the sleeve and went looking for anything to cover up my finger with. I rushed into the bed area and searched through a few drawers. I found panties.

Fucking pink panties.

If I wasn't gushing blood I would've face palmed....

Though the extreme urge to not even lay a finger on them, I hesitantly grabbed a pair. I wrapped it around my finger and I finally relaxed.

Until my door opened...

A white pony head- actually, it was big enough for a horse- poked in. It had a horn and multi-colored flowing hair. 'Flowing hair. Nice touch.'

The eyes- HER eyes. With that hair it's probably a girl- widened at the sight of the room. "Sup," I said.

She looked at me, shock still showing, "What... What did you do!" She practically screamed. 'A very motherly scream,' I thought, as her voice had a very soothing motherly tone to it.

"Human mating ritual," I answered.

"I...But... Never mind... Come with me."

I wasn't sure if I should, at first. But then I was all like 'what the hell?' and I followed her. I noticed she also ha a set of wings. Not only that, but she had royal attire on, and what looked like shoe- type things on her hooves. But why did she have a horn and wings? 'A pega-corn? Horned-Pegasus? Pegasused-unicorn? Horny unicorn? Alright, inappropriate!'

We walked. I really wasn't paying attention as I was thinking of what she would be called. Somehow we ended up in her thrown room along with 2 guards.

"Sit," she demanded as she floated a chair to me. 'God damn magic. Thats something I'm gonna have to get used to...'

"'ight," a sat down. It was a pretty damn comfy chair. She, somehow, sat on her throne.

"I brought you here to ask you some questions," she said. Magically, a price of paper and a quill appeared in front of her.

"As you wish. I do have a few questions of my own."

"Yes. Tell me, what is your species name?"

"Easy. Humans. Or Homo Sapiens. It's the same."

She wrote it down. "Were are you from?"

"'Merica."

"It that the name of a land?"

"Well, it's a country."

She wrote THAT down. "Tell me in more detail about were you are from."

I sighed. "Galaxy- Milky Way. Planet: Earth. Country: America. State: New York. City: New York City."

She wrote all the down. "Ok so-"

I cut her off when I realized something. "Where's Rusty!"

"Who?"

I stood up, and I immediately felt metal by my neck. I guessed it was the guards. "My Trumpet! We're is it!"

"Please sit down."

"No! I will not fucking sit down until I get Rusty!"

"Just calm down or I will be forced to have my guards make you."

I looked to the guard, who were, indeed, holding weapons to my neck. 'Spears? Really? Why not a fucking sword?' Other then all the armor, they didn't seem so tough. Plus, I was bigger then them. Hey stood up to the top of my stomach at most. I knew if I could get my neck out of its vulnerable position is beat the shit out of them.

Hey? What did you suspect? I spent a year in a NY Ghetto orphanage and spent 2 years on the streets of the ghetto. You bet your ass I know how to fight.

"You really think these guards can detain me?" I replied to her.

I swear I saw a slight grin on her face. "No, I don't think you can."

I know this game. She wants me to fight them. I knew better as it will show as a weakness. Plus, if I'm correct, she is the princess or some shit. I REALLY don't want her to know ANY weakness. So, instead of fighting them, I smiled back to her. "I am not one to start fights."

She seemed a bit down at that. 'Knew it.'

One guard, though, seemed eager to fight as her tripped me to the ground. "I started the fight," he said. I looked up at him from the floor and saw his grin. I matched it.

"Indeed you did," I said as I grabbed his arm- erm, fore-leg. I easily picked him up. 'God damn, he's light!' In one swift move, I smashed him to the ground and pinned him down. He squirmed a bit, trying to get out. I noticed he was a Pegasus when he started to flutter his wings. "Pathetic," I said to him as I got off him. He got up and had enough common sense not to try to fight more. "You both saw it!" I looked to the princess and the other guard. "He started it!"

The princess showed a faint expression of shock. Probably on how easily I took out her guard. "How did you take down my guard so easily?"

"I dunno. Maybe you should train your guards more. I did that with a fucked up finger." I lifted up my panty- covered middle finger.

He horn glowed and my finger felt a shit ton better then it had not 5 seconds ago. I unwrapped it and saw the flesh-wound gone. "How the fuck?"

"It was simple healing magic. What? Do you not have magic were you are from?"

"Fuck no! The only magic is not getting you ass penetrated by a 50 year old hobo who hasn't washed his cock in how long when you sleep alone on a park bench."

She blinked. "You're going to have to teach me those phrases." my stomach made the rumblies. "but I think you should get some food.

A-mother fucking-men.

She ordered her guards to take me to the dining area and I started out until I was stopped by her voice. "Oh, here's that instrument and whatever was around it. I find no danger in you having either one." She teleported the 2 in front of me and I quickly snatched it. I was about to saw thanks but the door to the room close on me.

'Well, Rusty's back. Now it's time I empty out this entire places food supply.'

Chapter 3

After that confrontation with the Princess (The guards ever so politely answered me when I asked who she was. Well, with a little 'motivation'.) I found myself at the dinning area. I sat down at a random table and the guards sat on either side of me. 'I feel like I'm in the middle of an unwanted gay relationship...'

A very nervous waiter walked (Do horses walk?) over. "W-what would you like, S-sir?" He barely managed to blurt out.

"Relax, man. I'm not gon' hurt ya," I said to him in my most convincing Ghetto accent.

He seemed to calm just a tad, but was still weary at me. "Ok, sir. So what would you like?"

"I'd know if I'd gotten a damn menu."

"Sir, we have anything you can imagine."

'Fuck yea!' "Alright! Gimmi a whole plate of bacon, a Blue Cheese Burger cooked well done, a shit ton of fries, and a whole plate of the hottest wings you have!"

He just stared blankly at me with a look a baby gives you when you ask him to solve a calculus problem. 'Oh shit, that's right! These ponies are Herbivores! God damn, it's gonna be so fucking hard without meat!' I sighed. "Forget all that. Just give me a large salad with extra cheese."

He nodded and went into what I believed to be the kitchen. The guard on my right started to talk once he left. "Tell me, what's 'Bacon?' And 'Fries?' And 'Blue Cheese Burger?'" He asked.

"The three foods that when combine makes you feel like you're having sex with the tightest bitch in the world."

He blinked. "Why would anyone want to have sex with a female dog?"

I face-palmed. "Not that bitch..."

"Then what do you mean?"

"A female in general."

"OHHH! Wow, those foods much be amazing. What are they made of?"

"Oh boy, let's see if I can remember. Bacon is essentially the cooked hind-side of a pig, I think. A burger is beef, from a cow, but I'm not sure what Blue Cheese exactly is, but I know it's cheese. And fries are fried potatoes."

He looked disgusted. "How can you possibly eat meat?"

"Evolution, my friend." Well, I believe it is something to do with that. I haven't picked up a science or history text book in ages.

He still looked disgusted. "Don't worry, I don't eat sentient creatures."

He seemed to calm a bit at that. "Tell me, creature, what's your name?"

"Full name?" he nodded. "Hunter S. Suntra, or Suns, as my friends use to call me."

"Well, Suns, tell me more about your world."

And that I did. We stopped when my food got here, but started up soon after I finished.

We started to walk as I told them about modern weapons like guns, but I made sure to leave out how violent they are. We talked for hours. I never thought I'd enjoy talking to guys that long, especially talking pony dudes. I won't complain, as this is like the first time in three years. Before I knew it (and learned I had one), it was curfew, and I was forced into my room, which was cleaned back to its former beauty. 'Damn good maids.' I looked out the window and noticed it 'twas (Damn right I used twas. Wanna fight about it?) night. I looked up in the sky and saw beauty I've never seen before.

Stars.

I lived in the city my whole life, so I never got to see what the night sky really looked like other then those school trips to planetariums. So, when I saw them here for the first time, I was awestruck. They shone as bright-maybe brighter- then Sol itself. (Sol=the Sun, by the way.) Some stars came together to form shapes and figures in the sky.

I don't know why, but I started to count all the stars I could see. I got to 257 before a dark figure appeared in front of me. "Enjoying my night?" a feminine voice presumably coming from the figure asked.

I knew better then to panic on the edge of an open window, so I only panicked in my head. "What do you mean, 'your night?'"

"Well, I did bring the night."

"The fuck kind of person do you think of me as? A retard?"

"Excuse me? I rise and lower the moon and create the night," she said, flying into the room. She was a deep navy blue with hair that flowed, again, nice touch, and looked like the night sky. I noticed she had wings and a horn just like the princess, and had royal attire like her, except more night themed.

"I'm not buying your mythical bullshit. Don't take credit for a beautiful night, searching for compliments."

"I can assure you, I do as I say!"

"Prove it."

She put on a hesitant face. "Fine," she said. She walked to the window and her horn glowed. The moon fucking moved in the mother fucking sky!

"Holy Fuck! That's amazing!"

"Thank you, strange creature."

"God, strange creature doesn't really help my self esteem."

"Do you have a name?"

"Of course I do! It's Hunter S. Suntra. Or Suns. Now, what is your name?"

"Princess Luna, but just call me Luna."

Holy shit, yet ANOTHER princess...

"Well, Luna. I'm terribly tired," Not exactly a lie, but close to it. " I'd love to talk, but I really want to sleep. I promise if you come back tomorrow I would love to chat."

She looked down.

Wait, why did she? Now that I think back to it, she's a god damn princess? Why is she upset she can't talk to me? ME?

"Ok, 'Suns'. I will see you tomorrow." she said as she flew off.

'Today was a good day,' I thought as I stripped down (I don't like to sleep with cloth on) and got into the bed.

Within minute, I was out.

Chapter 4

I woke up to a knocking at my door. I felt like shit and I'm defiantly not a morning person. I was in a cuddling position with my trumpet (not unusual, sadly) and I had a large indent of a trumpet in my chest. That reminded me of how badly I want tattoos to cover my entire body.

It's funny. Ever since my parents were alive and I was five, I wanted every inch of my body to be covered in tattoos. I wanted sleeves of tattoos just like my father, except I didn't want to be bald like him.

But I digress.

The knocking only became louder as I ignored it more and more. "Alright, alright. Hold your horses." (PunPunPunPunPunPunPun!) I chuckled a bit at my own and threw on my only pair of clothing. 'I need to get a new set.' I thought as I put on my completely shit Converse's. I made my way to the door, and opened it to what looked like a maid.

What I mean by this is that she was wearing a fucking maids outfit.

'Kinky fucking princesses.'

"T-the P-Princess wants t-to s-see y-you," she stuttered. Man, do I really look that hideous that I scare almost every pony that come in sight of me?

"Thanks. I'll make my way there as soon as I get a map."

"I-I will be t-taking you."

"alrighty then, Lego!"

She hesitantly moved and walked down the hall. Again, I wasn't paying one bit of attention since I had more important matters to attend to inside my head. 'I really fucking wish there are pigs here! I need bacon! I wasted all my money on it, and to not being able to eat it anymore will push me to suicide! If not pigs, then at least chicken! And a frying machine. Mmm, and Oreos. I could make deep fried Oreos. Yum!'

Hey, what do you suspect? I'm an 18 year old kid who rarely ate due to his lack of money, and when I did eat, It was bacon.

Sooner or later and me on the topic of how the fuck they make 'Deep Fried Kool-Aid' we arrived and was in the presence of the white Princess. (Not Luna, the black one even though she's just a deep blue.) "Thank you for bringing him. You may leave." she said to the maid.

"Thank you, princess," the maid Bowes and left the room in a full fucking sprint.

"Sup, princess." I said casually. "Why do you need me?"

"I would like to ask you more questions."

I groaned. "Fine, ask away, oh great lord."

"What is your name?"

"It's Hunter S. Suntra, or Suns. I will ask you a question. What's your name?"

"Mine is Princess Celestia."

"Lemme guess, you control the sun?"

"Yes I do."

Fucking wow. "What are you called? I mean, you have a horn and wings, not just one of either."

"I am called an Alicorn."

Aw, it's not punny...

I asked a few more question and she asked me some as well. I learned that there was no king or queen, just princesses. Don't know why, but whatever.

I was able to walk around the palace without escort, so I was happy for that. Though I wasn't happy about how often I got lost. It's like a new hall/wing appears every time I come to a full circle, and I've been doing that a lot.

I gave up on trying to explore and asked a maid (who was scared shitless of me) were my room was. Luckily, she knew (kinda odd, but whatever.) and I made it to my room.

I was overly bored, so I jut decided to play Rusty. It was getting close to night, so I tried to play it very low.

I started with some simple songs, did a little NOFX (From The Decline and Bob) and then some more. I was tired after awhile and I guessed it was about 8 P.M. 'Forgot how tiring playing can be,' I thought. I put down Rusty and picked out a random book from the shelf. I don't know why, but I couldn't read it. It was in like some sort of gibberish I couldn't comprehend. Well, that's not saying much. I couldn't comprehend that the circle went into the circle hole, not the square, when I was a kid. I closed the book and read the cover. 'The Basics Of Magic.'

It sucks that I can't read it, cause I'd love to know how to do magic...

Any who, I got another book THT I COULD ACTUALLY READ and sat on the bed and read.

"Hello," the voice from last night said from the left of me.

"Hey Luna," I said back to it. I was hoping it was Luna, or else I would look like a complete imbecile.

"Hello, Suns," Fuck yea! Got it right! I put down the book and tossed it on the floor, like a boss, and turned to face the dark Luna. "You promised me a talk?"

"Yea, sure. Why not? Beats being bored," I said back. 'Well, so does sex, but that doesn't involve as much talking.'

Not that I'd fuck a horse, anyway. That's fucking disgusting.

"So, I was told you are not from this world," 'Probably' "What is your world like?"

"Amazing for the rich, disgusting for the poor. But, we all have out opinions. We have wars and shit, and have great technology. I know it's horrible, but hey? What cha gon' do?"

She seemed shocked a bit at my answer. 'Guess she doesn't like war.'

"How can anypony go into war and harm one another."

"We ain't ponies, miss."

"It doesn't matter! Why would they do that?"

"Money. Power. To be feared. Ample reasons."

"But... But..."

"Hey, I know my world is fucked up. One person CAN change it, but everyone wants to save the world but no one wants to die. Me? I couldn't care less if I die or not. As long as I have Rusty, I'm golden."

"Why don't you do something?"

"Sometimes it's better to just watch things crash."

We say there in silence for a minute before she asked me a question. "Can I... Can I see some of you memories?"

Ugh... Magic...

"Sure, just don't take any. Let me warn you: the beginning years will be better then the rest end. The end will mostly be of the fucked up part of humanity. Humanity isn't as bad as it sounds, though a lot of us are way over our heads of what is and isn't possible."

"...Ok," with that, she put her horn to my head and it glowed.

It felt weird. The best way to describe it is to say it felt like another person in my head. Not painful, just uncomfortable.

She was like that for a minute before stopping. She looked traumatized, for some reason. 'My memories aren't THAT bad,' I thought. " I...I need to go," she said before she flew off. I just shrugged my shoulders and jumped in bed. And you'd NEVER believe what I did next...

I SLEPT! Ermah-fucking-gad!

Chapter 5

The fuck is up with god damn magic?

I mean, I've been here for what? 3 days? And I was almost killed! Yea, what the fuck?

So I woke up to the same knocking as yesterday. I went to Celestia and I thought we were just going to be doing another Q&A, but nope. Not this time! She wanted to see if some sort of magic would work on me. I think it was some sort of shape shifting shit. My best guess is that sun-shiny cunt wanted me to be a pony for fuck knows why. Maybe so I didn't make anymore maids piss in their god-damn skin tight outfits. Probably didn't want to pay more for dry cleaning.

So she asks me if I'd do a little spell for her, and I say "Why not?"

"Don't worry, I have done this many times before, just not with... 'humans' before."

I'm no pussy, so I decided to do it anyway. "This should be absolutely painless," she assured me.

But what do I feel?

ABSOLUTE PAIN!

I felt each and every bone in my body change and morph. I screamed and the year inducing agony, but it wouldn't stop. I even yelled for my dead mother! "I...Hope...Santa...Gives...You...Cancer...For...Christmas" I managed to spit out before I lost consciousness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dreams were fucking trippy. It was like you took all the banners of the Gay Pride parade and mixed in fifty rainbows in a blender on high while listening to Jerry Garcia.

Fucked up, man.

Any who, I woke up to numbness everywhere but my face. My mouth worked, so I did what any logical person would do in this situation. "Hey, any shit-heads in hear?" I could clearly see I was in a hospital room. A very low tech hospital room.

"He's awake!" I heard fucking Celestia's voice say, then clopping over to me. I knew there was someone else, since I heard those clips as well. Turns out it was Luna. Se was on my right, looking to me, and Celestia was to my left. "How do you feel?" she asked me.

"Like a dildo on a high-powered jackhammer penetrated my ass and fucked me up," I answered. "What the fuck, Celestia? You said it wouldn't hurt!"

"It usually doesn't! I swear!"

"Ugh. Am I OK? Like, and permanent damage?"

"No damage, just numbness from all the pain for awhile."

"Thank fucking God." I said. "So I take it it didn't work?"

"Oh, it worked." she said, floating a mirror over to me. She put it in front of my face and I fucking screamed at what I saw.

I was now a pony! A FUCKING GIRLY ASS PONY! I swear this bitch is gonna pay! I was bright fucking orange and had a bright blue mane! I was like an Islanders mascot! I looked ridiculous!

"WHAT THE FUCK! I don't want to be a pony! Change me back!"

"I was afraid you'd say that. We do not have enough energy to change you back now. We both had to keep your heart from stopping, and that took a lot of energy. We are both sorry, but we cannot today. But try being a pony. Maybe you will find you like it."

I was fuming with rage, but calmed down. I will get changed back, at least. "Fine, whatever. Just... Escort me to my room. I want to sleep." Surprising since I was just out.

"Very well, let's go."

I tried to get off the bed, but immediately fell. "Fucking four legs!" I managed to get into a shaky stance. I put one leg in front, then the next in an effort of walking.

After several failed attempts, I mastered the basics of walking, minus falling on my ass every couple steps. I learned I was out for the entire day. 'How the fuck am I tired? I thought. 'Whatever. Fuck logic.'

We made it to my room and I slammed shut the door with grabbing physics that should not be possible with hooves. I climbed into the bed and tried to pull over the covers, but couldn't. 'Thank god I got fur.' I closed my eyes and hoped for anything but nightmares to greet me in my sleep.

Chapter 6

Today, I woke up to the sound of the birds chirping and the sun shining, and NOT to the sound of a maid knocking on my door. I'm pretty god damn happy about that.

I got out of bed- well, tried. I was not at all comfortable not being bipedal yet, and probably never will, so when I TRIED getting out of bed, I fell face-first to the fucking ground.

I was still in a tired haze, do I just groaned and got up into a shaky, but not as shaky as yesterday, stance. I tried to observe Celestia's walking so I can get an idea of what the fuck to do. I tried to do as she did, and I actually did I. I fucking walked. Grant it, I was extremely unstable, but at least I could get around.

I made my way to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror. The bright fucking colors almost blinded me. I noticed I didn't have a horn, so I couldn't do magic. 'Damn it! That would've been cool!' I looked to my back to see if I had a pair of wings, and I noticed two things: one, I didn't have wings, so I was upset I wouldn't be able to fly for the short time I am a pony, and two, I looked like I had extreme malnutrition. I could see my ribs easily through my skin, and most other bones, for that matter. 'Shit, man. I didn't know I was THAT bad.'

As I said, I WAS homeless...

I went to the toilet and stared at it. 'How the fuck am I going to use it?' It looked like a normal(ish) toilet from Earth, and I'm not a human. I'm a pony.

Wait, don't ponies just shut wherever they please? Well, ones back home did. They ARE sentient here, so they'd probably realize how disgusting that is.

Actually, I shouldn't be talking. I pissed and shit were I pleased for two years, so...

Anyway, I contemplated on how I could piss without is getting all over the place. After some failed attempts, I ended up putting my arms- erm, fore-legs- up on the wall and in a standing position. Gladly, it worked, but was very uncomfortable. You know, I'm a pony. They aren't supposed to be able to bend like that.

But, you know, FUCK LOGIC!

About halfway through my piss, I heard snickering behind me. I tried looking back, but that proved to be to much for my pony body. I quickly finished my piss and saw who was snickering. I turned back and saw Celestia. 'Why the fuck would a princess watch me piss?' "Uh, Celestia, why did you just watch me pee?" I asked. "Were I'm from, that would be borderline molestation."

Hehe, Molestia...

"Oh, I was just coming in to tell you something but didn't see you asleep, so I came in an saw you doing... THAT." She chuckled a bit.

"Yea yea, whatever. What do you want?"

"I regret to inform you that I can not change you back right now. I need Luna, since we would need to heal you as this time, changing you back will be much more painful."

"Amazing. Any more news to ruin my day?"

"I am not sure if this will ruin your day, but... Wait, you don't look very healthy," she said, looking at my body.

"Yea, I know. I was homeless were I was from and rarely ate."

"Thats horrible! How old are you?"

"18."

"And you're young too! How could that happen?"

"Parents died, hated orphanage, blah blah blah. Just get on with the rest of the news."

"Ok... You will be staying with my student Twilight Sparkle in Ponyville. I feel you should be able to see around and socialize."

I groaned. "Do I have to? I don't really like talking."

"Yes. Now grab your instrument. She is expecting you. Oh, and one more thing: she does not know that you are the creature she found, and told her you are a guard in training."

"Yup. That's gon' backfire." I said, grabbing the trumpet with my hooves. 'Again, how the fuck...' "So, how am I gonna get there?"

She didn't answer. Her horn just glowed and I was teleported to were ever. Have you ever teleported? No? Well it fucking sucks! It's like all of you dissipates and travels to the destination in the blink of an eye and you become yourself once again. It's extremely uncomfortable.

"Ugh... That's horrible!" I said, trying to get rid of the dizziness.

"Hi!" a feminine voice I recognize from somewhere said.

I opened my eyes and saw it was the purple pony from the hospital when I got my eyes got clawed out. I was going to say something, but remembered what the princess said. "Hello. Miss Twilight Sparkle, I presume?" I asked in my best polite tone.

"Yup! The princess told me I was going to have somepony staying with me. It is you, correct?"

"Yes, miss Sparkle."

"You can just call me Twilight," she said. "What's your name?"

Shit, I need a pony name. Pony names are like pet names. Not Mike or Chuck or shit, like Sunshine Glow or Orange Crush. Girly shit like that.

What should mine be? Hmm, I don't know. Ya know, fuck it. Rusty, I'm stealing your name.

"Rusty Trumpets is my name. Just call me Trumpets, if you like."

She saw my trumpet, "You play that? But you're not a unicorn! How can you play?"

Things learned: Apparently Unicorns can only play instruments.

"I find a way," I answered.

"Can I hear you?"

Fuck. "Uh, sorry, but can not right now. Maybe one other time."

She looked down. "Ok."

She showed me inside and were I will stay. I had trouble on the stairs, though. 'Let's hope I get changed back soon.'

I had a plan for the time I was here. It was to be anti-social.

But, I never have my plans follow through.

"Hey, Trumpets!," She called, "Why don't we go meet some of my friends."

I let out a loud sigh. "How 'bout no," I called back.

I heard clopping up the stairs. That also another reason I don't want to go. I don't want to fall on the way down. "Come on! It'll be fun!" she persisted.

"Twilight, I really rather not. I do not want to meet other peo- ponies."

"Why not?"

"I just don't want to."

"Come on! You don't want me to force you," she threatened.

I realized she had magic and I didn't. "Ugh, fine, whatever."

She let out a terribly annoying 'squee' and she practically dragged me down the stairs. 'Hey, at least I didn't fall.' She rushed out the door and finally let go of me, walking at a normal pace. I looked around at this town. It was to quant and cheery ad happy. All the residents I saw walking passed said hi to Twilight and me, even though they didn't know me. It was HORRIBLE. I never felt for disgusted as to how peaceful a place could be!

We were walking to same place called 'Sweet Apple Acres' or some shit when a hyper-active pink-on-pink pony jumped on top of me. Surprisingly, there was no pain, but left in an uncomfortable position as she stared In to my eyes with her over-sized blue ones.

Yea, these ponies eyes were WAY over-sized then an average pony's should be.

"OHMYGOSHAREYOUNEW?" She said with a hyper 12 year old girls voice. Her breath was filled with the smells of pastries. "My name's Pinkie Pie! What's yours? Omigosh! I need to throw you a party!" with that, defying all laws of physics, she left at the speed of light.

"Sorry," Twilight said as I pushed myself off the ground. "Pinkie can be a little... Hyper."

I replied with, "If she actually has a party, I'm not going."

'If all her friends are like this, god, please kill me now.'

Chapter 8

So, it seems that every time I DON'T want anyone of Twilights friends to show up so I can meet them, they just appear.

Or crash into me...

So yea. We were walking back the way we came when this flying fuck crashed into me. She, thank Christ, yelled out a two second warning. But, silly me, didn't do anything.

She crashed into me and for the second time in maybe two hours, I found myself on the ground under yet another pony girl. "Sorry 'bout that." She said, as was about to get up, but stopped when she saw Twilight. "Hey Twilight! What's goin' on?"

"I'm just taking him," she looked to me, who was now under the ass of whatever this ponies name was since she ever so politely got up and sat on me, but not off. "Around town! We just came back from Applejacks."

"What's his name?" She asked like I wasn't even here.

"Rusty Trumpet."

I tried to mumble out "Get the fuck off me," but her rare end was really close to my face, an I was unable to talk.

"What was that?" the pony on top of me asked.

"Gehrt... Off...ah...mee," I manages to spew out.

"Oh, ok. Sorry," she said, finally getting off of me. I finally got to see what this asshole looked like.

She was a cyan color with a rainbow mane. Her eyes were a deeper pinkish color. 'If she isn't gay, I'm fucking god,' I thought. With her extremely tomboyish voice and rainbow mane, I'd be surprised if she wasn't gayer then Elton John.

"Thank you. I wasn't much enjoying my time under you," I said to her.

"No problem!" she replied, completely ignoring the last part.

"Well, since you're here, meet Rusty Trumpet, or Trumpets. Trumpets, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash, Trumpets."

She held up a hoof I'm guessing for a shake, but I wasn't sure on how I grab it. 'Pretend you have fingers,' I said to myself. I met her hoof and, by some sort of miracle, I shook hooves with her without problems. "So you two are going to town?" she asked to no one in particular.

'Not if I can help it.' "Yup!" Twilight answered.

"Cool. I have nothing to do," Don't say it! "I think I'll come with you."

FUCK!

These ponies, man...

The newly formed trio of Twilight, Rainbow Dash, who keeps mentioning how she's 'The fastest flier in all of Equestria', showing more and more of her self centered attitude, and me, the bright orange and blue, once human, pony.

Now, we are off to me yet ANOTER dysfunctional friend!

Chapter 9

Let it be said I hate anyone who adores fashion...

Our little trio was walking to someplace I ever heard them talking about called the Carousel Boutique. Yea, I know. The names are NOT NORMAL. Nothing is normal. Magic is not normal. Talking ponies are not normal. Flying ponies are not normal. Me being a pony IS NOT NORMAL.

They were chatting away about whatever female ponies talk about. Probably about what the best hey is to stay slim. Or the best conditioner for your fur.

Oh yea, these ponies shower regularly. Luckily. It'd probably smell like the inside of a silo if they didn't. Oh, and they don't just shit anywhere like normal ponies. I am ECSTATIC about that.

We arrived there and, as like most of the houses, was a crazy looking house that looked like it came out of a child's imagination.

Oh, by the way, if you ever get lost, Hunter, just go to the GIANT FUCKING TREE. That's we're you are staying. It doubles as a library, as well!

We walk inside, me holding the door and not getting and thanks, and greeting by a ringing bell atop the door. "Just a minute!" a voice that just spilled with 'sophisticated' called. Soon, a white unicorn with well pampered hair came in. "Hello Rainbow Dash, Twilight. How are you? And who is this handsome Stallion?" Yup. She wanted me to do something. 'Probably model or some shit.' I thought. 'Doubt I'd match with anything.'

"Rarity, meet Rusty Trumpet. Rusty Trumpet, meet Rarity," Twilight did the whole meeting thing.

"Pleasure to meet you," Rarity stuck out a hoof.

And I shook it.

LIKE.

BOSS.

The three girls chatted a bit before Rarity asked me the question I know was coming. "Darling, you just have to model for me! You would be perfect!"

"Yea. Thanks, but no. I do not want to put myself through that. It's just not me," I answered as politely as I could.

She begged and begged but I was immune. There were many dogs that begged me for the little food I had were I 'lived'.

I'm glad to say I only gave food to 12 of them.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and I left soon after, and Rainbow Dash flow off to do whatever se was doing. I wasn't paying an once of attention.

Twilight and I arrived back at the tree and I was relieved to finally stop talking. "I was going to let you meet Fluttershy, but she is a bit... Shy. And Applejack is probably at her sand, and I didn't want to bother her," She says as soon as we walk inside.

It's funny because she saying it LIKE I CARE.

"Hey, Twilight," a prepubescent male voice of a 12 year old called from... Somewhere.

"Hey, Spike! Meet Trumpets! He's staying here for awhile!"

After a minute, fucking Spyro came in front of us.

No, that wasn't a misspelling. He looked quite a bit like Spyro.

"What's up, dude?" The Spyro look alike said.

Now, he IS a dragon. I would've been freaked out at this if it wasn't for that book I read in the palace/castle/ whatever. It was of Dragon Mating Habits.

Hey, it was interesting. I mean the females tongue is so long and...

Fuck, dude! That's nasty!

"Sup," I say back to him.

That little thing over with, I trudge upstairs and climb into the bed. I swear I walked like 50 miles today. I was tired and didn't want to meet any more retarded friends. "What are you doing, Trumpets?" Twilight asked from downstairs.

"Sleeping," I answered.

I ignored any other questions.

I was going to fucking SLEEP.

Chapter 10

It was a good nap up until I was forced awake by the purple unicorn Twilight. "Wake up, Trumpets! We need to go somewhere!"

My mind woke from one of the first time in three years a dream that was not nightmare. I groaned and ignored her. She persisted. "Come on!" se used her magic to lift me up out of the bed.

A bit scared at being about 6 feet of the ground, I finally gave in. "Fine, fine! I'm up!" She abruptly dropped me, but luckily it was over the bed. "Were are we going?" I asked.

"It's a surprise!" was her answer.

"I despise surprises."

"Well, you won't on this one."

I. Despise. Surprises. Guess it came with my parents surprising me with their death. No, I don't blame them for what happened, but it was one hell of a surprise.

It was only three days away from my birthday, to...

She walked and I followed. Out the door of the library inside a tree that, by all logical means, should be fire-wood due to it being hollowed out. But, instead, it's in perfect health. Aside from the living beings inside of it.

We walked and arrived at a place a 6 year old child would drool over. It was a fucking house- sized Gingerbread House.

No, I'm not making this shit up. Every part of it looked completely edible.

As we walked towards the door, I saw the lights that were just on quickly turned off. 'Great, so that pink pony did throw me a party. Greeeeaaaaat.'

Twilight, now standing a good 10 feet behind me, had a big stupid smile on her face. 'Ugh, they are horrible at hiding it.' the streets, I just realized, were overly quiet. 'Did she invite everyone in fucking town? Are you kidding me?' I let out a sigh and squint open the door to be greeted with a 'Surprise!' and a party room decorated like a 12 year old and a big banner saying 'Welcome to Ponyville!'

For fucks sake...

Oh, and EVERYONE was there. Anyone I spared a look at in my day here was here. Even that weird brown one that reminds me a Doctor Who.

"Were ya surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Were ya?" the pink pony appropriately named Pinkie said in her unmistakable hyperactive voice. "I got everypony in Ponyville here! Do you like it?"

Me, not being one to upset the ladies- no matter what species they are- replied with, "Yes, Pinkie Pie. I was surprised. And I do like it."

She seemed satisfied and the music began, which was oddly enough like Electro music, which I think is the worse thing since dubstep. It's like two blenders gang-banging a toaster.

I immediately walk over to where the food was. Then, Twilight and an Orange pony with a blonde mane and a cowboy hat came up to me. "Trumpets, this is Applejack! Applejack, Trumpets!"

The new pony (to me) held out a hoof. "Plesuah tah meet ya!" she said in a VERY strong southern accent.

I just nod as I shake her good an take the whole cake and stuff my face with it. Fuck manners. They can go fuck Themselves. I don't know how else to eat in this horrid body. "Trumpets, are you healthy?" Twilight asked. She, finally, noticed my body.

"Oh, I'm fine. Just malnutritious, you know." I say as I eat more of this cake, which tastes amazing.

"Why are you not in a hospital? That seems major!"

"It took you this long to notice," I said. She didn't respond.

"Ah don't see how ya can be mal-noo-trish-uhs," Applejack added, pronouncing every syllable in malnutritious, "When you eat like that."

"You mean this isn't low fat?!? Oh dear, what ever can I do! I'm going to loose my PERFECT figure!" I say to her with extreme sarcasm.

"It doesn't look so perfect to me..." Twilight said. 'Man, do these ponies not understand sarcasm?'

Well, Applejack did. She gave me the stare girls give you and trotted away.

'Ugh, I need some beer...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you mean you don't know what beer is?" I nearly scream to Pinkie.

"I've never heard of it before! Oh, is it yummy? What does it taste like? Cherries? Yum! That'd taste really good! Oh, oh! Maybe it tastes like cake!"

I groaned as I got away from Pinkie before it's too late. So, apparently, they don't know what alcohol is here. I am PISSED. The only way I can survive this little girls dream world is by drinking as much beer as it takes to make this whole world interesting.

Man, I would love a Jäger Bomb now...

I go into a pouty mood and, like before, I take my place in a chair on the side of the dance floor so I can watch these ponies flail about and have what their doing be called dancing. It was funny. I hated dancing back home, and this makes me think even the worse dancers were amazing.

As I watch, I notice a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane that was covering most of her face cowering in a chair beside me. 'Must be Fluttershy. Better not give her a heart attack,' I think as I get up to move. She seemed startled at that. 'Note to self: Do not hang out with Fluutershy. She is probably afraid of her own shadow.'

The party raged on and Twilight came up to be with a note in her telekinesis magic shit. "It's from Princess Celeatia. It said for your eyes only."

I grabbed it and read what it said.

Dear Trumpets,

Luna and I will be able to assist you in your 'problem' within the week. Hold on there. We will send a letter when we can.

Celestia

I noticed how she didn't sign it 'Princess Celestia.' 'How unprofessional!'

I crumpled it up and threw it on te ground. Not that I cared. Twilight didn't see it, so I didn't hear anything about it.

The party died down and ponies left and Twilight, I, and her friends were the only ones left. I was correct that that pony cowering in the chair was Fluttershy. "I can help you clean up, Pinkie darling," Rarity said to Pinkie.

"Thanks, Rarity!"

"I'll take Fluttershy home," added Rainbow Dash. 'Don't need X-Ray vision to know what's going on there.'

"Ah guess ah could help ya clean up," Applejack said.

"I think I'm just going back. It's getting late." Twilight said. "Bye!" she started walking and I followed suit. There were goodbyes and such as me and Twilight left and headed to the library. "So, how did you like the party?" Twilight asked.

"In all honesty, Twilight, I hated it. I don't like social gatherings and it felt awkward for me. Besides, I never was around any pony," yea, I have to say that instead of anybody, "When I grew up. I was all alone." I shrugged, which was barely visible in this pony body. " I could've changed it, but I didn't."

She seemed shocked. "Why?"

I used my favorite phrase and I don't care if it's out of context. "Sometimes, you just gotta watch it crash."

"But it you know you can change it, you don't have to watch it crash!"

"Sometimes, change is not mandatory."

I have no idea what I'm talking about. I figure it'll be good to act wise.

"But sometimes it is needed."

Man, I am not good at this...

I don't counter. She is right. But, whatever. It was mostly a made up story. Yes, I was homeless, but I couldn't change it.

We walked home in silence. When we arrived, I quickly go up stairs and isolate myself in my temperature room. I close the door and hope on the bed and sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up the next morning, deep in thoughts. I despised this world so far, but I'm far better off here. I know the princess Wouldn't kill me unless I killed on of her own. I had immunity due I me being the first reported kind of this world.

But then I realize that, no matter how better off I'd be here, I am the only one of my kind here. I can't marry, and I'd never do any I the sorts with a pony. I'm going to be lonely.

unless I stay a pony...

No, I won't do that. I have a zest for opposable thumbs. I live being an le to lift things.

And I love being able to play my trumpet.

I keep my trumpet to the night-table on the side of the bed. I haven't figured out how to play it yet in this body, and I doubt I will learn.

I just can't wait till I get turned back into my one of a kind human self.

Chapter 11

I will fast forward the week as nothing important or exciting happened. At my final day, my FINAL FUCKING DAY as a pony, it all went down the shitter.

Oh boy, where shall I begin on this riveting tale? Eh, I'll just start from when I woke up. I got a lot of time to write, any way.

So I woke up like any normal day. It was noon and Twilight didn't bother to wake me up due to my stubborn attitude a few days earlier. I was quite the douce.

I stretched and rubbed the sleep from my enlarged eyes and got out of the bed. I clopped (That's what I call walking in this pony body) to the door and opened it.

I still don't understand how I can grip things. I'm going with magic.

Oh, and I asked Celestia. She only laughed at me like I was a retard.

I clopped down the stairs and made my way towards the kitchen area were Twilight (Mostly Spike) leaves breakfast- really lunch- out for me. They seem to be making me eat more then the normal person would, as I always find the plate filled as much as it could be.

In this body, my taste buds were altered, as well. So, Dandelions as Daffodils taste pretty good. I was hesitant at Dandelions, because I knew they were mildly poisonous. (I used to read a lot).

Twilight, per usual, was reading, and Spike was cleaning. I was eating then probably going back to sleeping.

I ate and was clopping back to my room when Twilight called me. "Oh, Trumpets! I have a letter for you!" she floated over a letter to me.

I grabbed it and read it.

Trumpets

Luna and I will change you back to a human today. We will be teleporting you around noon, as soon as I make my sister.

Celestia.

'Great,' I thought, not sarcastically. 'Wait, noon?'

I started to feel myself being teleported. "What the fu-!"

I arrived at the palace, inside the throne room. A chippy Celestia and a tired Luna were there. Luna obviously rather be sleeping. 'Princess of the night problems.'

"Ah, there you are!" Celestia said.

"Yes, here I am after you teleported me here," I replied." what a shocker!"

"Yes. Well, we shall change you back."

"Yes, indeed," Luna added in a tired voice.

"Not sure if I trust a tired princess with magic," I said.

"Shush," Celestia replied as her horn glowed. "This time, Luna will provide a spell so you feel no pain."

"Nice."

Just as she was about to do the spell, there was a loud 'Boom!' heard.

"Dafuq?"

"What was that?" Celestia asked aloud.

"Not sure. Sounded bad," I answered.

"Indeed," added Luna.

A panting Pegasus came in, "Pr-princess! It's... It's Discord! He's free!" he managed to spit out.

Luna and Celestia became wide eyed. "What? How?!?" they both asked.

"I... I don't know! He broke free of his stone!"

"Who the fuck is this bitch?" I asked. And, as on cue, a weird creature walked in. He looked like a bunch of miss matched animals mixed together. He looked weird, but awesome.

"He is I," he said.

"Oh. 'Sup?" I said to him, nonchalantly.

He blinked. "What?"

"What is up?"

"Uh, are you not afraid of me?"

"Fuck no! You look fucking awesome!"

"Fuck? That word... No, you can't be. Are you, by any chance, a human?"

How did he know? "Yup. Born and raised."

He grew a smile. "That explains why I got free. So much chaos in you creatures."

"God, do I know it. We're a horrid breed."

"Don't you wish to know who I am?"

"Not to be mean, but I care just as much as you care about my mothers birthday."

"Well, I am Discord, God of Chaos."

"Cool. So, lemme guess. You're gonna tell these two your plan, and probably trap them in some way. You may have a deal, they don't take it, and then you try to defeat them and rule this land?"

He blinked again. "Actually, yes."

"Got it. What's these two's trump card? Who else is gonna show up and ultimately defeat you?"

He smiled. "The Elements."

"Uh, like air and fire and shit?"

"No, the Elements of Harmony."

"The opposite of Chaos. Alright. Since their Harmony, their probably not going to kill you. But that doesn't me I won't. You seem like a threat, and these two are princesses. Y'all gon' die, son."

His grin widened. "You think you can kill me? I am the god of chaos, and you are the reason I am out as you brought your worlds chaos here."

"Listen, bro. I am the only one here. Unless this place is so damn goody goody that te small amount I... Brought here was a lot compared to anything else, them I didn't do shit. Killing you?" I shrugged. "It's worth a shot. Fuck my own life."

"You have guts," he said. He lunged at me and I didn't have time to move. I was pinned under him and he brought up this lion paw and showed a claw," but you cannot defeat me." He brought down the claw to my neck. He was ready to slice my neck, but with all my might, In pushed him off.

We were both now at our feet, staring at each other. I was serious as he was grinning. He actually knows how to fight as I am amature.

He is bigger, better, and stronger. All I have to do is to hold him off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shit, out of paper! Will finish this tale once I find more!

Chapter 12

Alright, got paper! Leggo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was at a huge disadvantage. Not only was he big, he was strong and had a lot more agility then me. A completely unfair fight, but I know I had 2 powerful princesses on my side. Granted, they were scared as fuck, but I have hope for them to do something. Probably get those elements of harmony or some shit.

Then I realized I was still a pony.

I am completely fucked. I didn't show my fear as I charged him. He easily dodged me. "Headstrong, I see. Can't fight well in the body, can you?" he mocked.

We were locked in a stare down now. I saw the princesses doing something out of the corner of my eye. 'Hurry up!'

I let him charge me this time. Even though e was fast, I dodged him and put a hoof down on his head, making him fall to the floor. I knew better then I pin him, as he is waaaaaay stronger then me. "Impressive. You learn quickly."

"I wouldn't say that. Didn't you just call me headstrong?"

He charged again, this time swerving as he ran. I braced for impact but it never came. "Ah, a cowered, a swell," he said from behind me. His lions paw came down on me and I was slammed to the ground. "That makes it fun!

I quickly get up. I'm not gonna run, but I know I'm not gonna win. What the fuck do I do?

I walk close to him, but say out of arms reach. "Ah, you want hand to hand combat?" he asked.

"Hell no! I barely know how to use these things!"

He laughed. 'My chance!' As he was laughing and not paying attention, I lunged at him and grabbed his neck. In one swift motion, I pulled it to the grounded with all my might. His head hit the ground with the floor cracking. I stood over him, and he just started to laugh more. "You think that would hurt me?" he said, getting up and dusting himself off. "I must say, I am impressed by your raw strength. I would like a deal with you."

'What?' "What is it?" I wasn't going to make a deal with this asshole, but it just buys me more time to seem interested.

"A simple offer. Once I defeat these two," He pointed to the princesses who had grins on their faces. Shaky grins. "You will be my personal guard. I will give you power and all you desire."

Eh, not too appealing. "Could you send me back home?" if he could, that'd be the deal maker.

"I am sorry, but I don't think I could."

"Sorry, but no deal. I rather be poor but a hero, then rich but a villain."

He shook his head. "A shame. You really are powerful." he lunged and trapped me under him "I am truly sorry I have to kill you. My plans shall not be ruined by you, or anyone." He dragged a claw across my face. I felt little pain, probably because it was deep enough to fuck up my veins.

"Probably gonna leave one hell of a scar, ain't it?" I say, non-chalantly.

"Yes, it will. It will give you an identity, too. But, enough games. Time for my favorite part." His claw started its decent for my neck. I closed shut my eyes, and prayed.

1 second.

3 seconds.

5 seconds.

The claw never reached my neck. My eye slowly closed and I saw him in a rainbow colored beam. 'How the fuck do I not hear this?' I just stare at him until the bean stops, leaving behind a Discord trapped in stone.

I look to see my saviors, and it's people (ponies) who I wouldn't suspect. It was Twilight and her annoying friends. "Guess I owe you guys one, eh?" I say, going towards them.

I'll skip details. It was just thanks and you're welcomes and that's what friends are for and shit.

"Do you have a sword?" I asked Celestia after that was over.

"I do not, but the guard does," she pointed to a guard at the door who was probably there the whole time.

"Where you fucking there the whole time?" I asked him, getting angry.

"Uh, yes I was."

"Why didn't you help? I could've died! You know what, never mind. Just give me the fucking sword."

He did as he was told and I gripped the sword within my hooves. I clopped over to the living statue (well, I think he's alive under it) and raised it. "Too bad nobody will hold your hand on the day you die," I said as I swung down. The statue shattered, and I felt myself become... Stronger. It was weird. Probably just because it was my first kill. Hopefully my last, too. I don't want to become addicted to this shit.

"Well, he's dead. So, how was your day, everyone? Exciting?" I asked the group.

They weren't excepting that. "Uh, why are acting like nothing happened? You just killed the God of Chaos and saved the princesses! That's amazing!" Twilight said.

"Yea, it was awesome!" Rainbow Dash added.

A few more agrees we're made. "Yea, I suppose I did. Well, princesses. I wish my reward to be GETTING ME OUT OF THIS BODY."

"O-oh. Alright. Luna, would you?" He horn glowed and all pain, even my chronic ankle pain, was gone. Celestia's horn glowed next and, before I knew it, I was a human again. I cracked my knuckles and stretched out.

"Ah, I'm glad to have these babies back," I said, wiggling my fingers.

My 'saviors' we're staring wide eyes at me.

'And let the bombardment of questions begin...'

Chapter 13

"What are you?" was the first question I got. It was what I expected, anyway.

"I am a Human, or Homo Saipan. Yes, to Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, I am the creature from the hospital. Next question?"

"Were are you from?" Rarity asked. 'God, your voice gets annoying.'

"The planet Earth, Country America, State New York, City New York. Yes, Earth as in Earth Ponies. Next?"

The same scheme was going for the next hour almost. Boring questions I already answered to Celestia. I ended up laying on the ground spread in the angel position. The questions finally ceased as I got up. The floor isn't nearly as comfortable as the beds. Listen, the beds are so comfy that I bet of you had sex on them, you'd feel like you're fucking and angel on a cloud in heaven. 'Ok, illogical. Angels are pure. Their virgins. It's impossible. Right?' I don't really know. I quit CCD after awhile.

"Alright, now that the questions are over with, is there anything anyone wants to say to me before I sleep. I am extremely tired and," I felt my face, were the scratch from the pony body carried over to my real body, was still bleeding, "Need some rest."

Celestia spoke first. "Tomorrow, we shall hold a ceremony for you. You saved us and defeated our greatest enemy. You will most defiantly be rewarded."

My eye twitched. 'What the fuck?' "Uhm, not to be a prick, but why should I, a creature from a new land who just held off someone for maybe 30 minutes, get rewarded? Plus, I hate crowds. I don't want this, nor need this."

"Well, you shall be getting it anyway."

I sighed. "So, will I be in front of a crowd?" She nodded. "How will they react to me? I'm a weird ass creature. It's like me trying to introduce the Wither Boss with a village. It's not gonna end well"

She blinked. "What?"

I wave it off. "Nothing."

"Well, since they will see you with both princesses, they shouldn't be afraid."

"So you're waking Luna up early again? Tsk tsk." I sighed again. "Is there anything else?"

"Yes," Twilight started. "What's your name?"

"Hunter Suntra, AKA Suns, AKA Trumpets, now known as Odysseus. I don't really want a whole crowd of people knowing my real name. Plus, it insinuates bad things about me. I may just use Trumpets. I don't know."

"Why Odysseus?"

I smiled. 'I was waiting for a time to use this line.' "Because I broke through the Trojan Wall."

"What?"

"Nothin'. So, anything else?" Silence. "Good. Now, imma go get a maid and get myself a room. 'Night."

"Actually, Hunter. I have to ask you something." Celestia stopped me.

I let out an over-exaggerated groan. "Yeeeees?"

"How would you feel becoming apart of the Royal Guard or a knight?"

"I would hate it, but, as I feel I would have nothing better to do and have little choice in this matter, will accept it either way. Whatever. I don't want to, but meh. I won't do much, anyway." I didn't let anyone respond as I walked out.

'Know imma be a knight. Great. Just a better, more honorable way to die.'

Chapter 14

I was awoken on by the dreaded sound of hooves banging on a wooden door. I groan as I roll out of bed. 'Ah, morning wood, I missed ya!' As a pony, I had morning wood, but it was... Different.

I don't really want to talk about it...

I answered the door and lo and behold, the same made from the first time I was here greeted me. She looked a lot less afraid, but you could tell she wasn't really comfortable around me. "The princess told me to bring you to get your armor fitted," she told me. 'Oh yea, I'm a knight or some shit. ' I shrugged and followed her.

I don't know why but this walk was way longer then usual. Probably because I was actually paying attention this time and for the fact we weren't going to see Celestia. Yea, that could be it. I noticed this castle/palace was pretty elegant. Modern for the less technologically advanced ponies. (Compared to us humans.)

We arrived at a weird looking door that looked very eerie. The maid opened it- less scared of this door that just reeked evil then me- and revealed a stone spiral staircase. Yea, like one in a corny horror movie. I sighed as I followed her down the dimly lit stairway.

About 350 steps later, we arrived in a stereotypical black smiths shop. 'How the fuck is this in the princesses palace?' I thought a I looked around. All sorts of weapons and armor made for ponies were hanging around. The room was lit my one lone torch and behind what looked like a counter stood a very dark looking pony with a scar down his face. "Oh, yes. You must be the new knight, yes?" the pony said in a deep Russian accent,leaving behind the counter and coming up to me, not scared at all. 'How can any of these ponies have and accent like that? Come the fuck on!'

"Sadly, yes," I replied. I noticed the maid wasn't with me anymore. 'Fucker.'

"I have not worked with a creature like yourself before. I was told you were a Human. Tell me, is there any parts of the armor that should be stronger then others?"

I thought of a few, but named one as I wanted to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. "My boys down low," I said, pointing to my crouch.

He smiled. "Your boys. Yes, I think I know why." He pulled out a tape measure from... God knows were. "Now, I will need to take your measurements."

"Ight, that's fine. Make it quick."

And that he did. Abodda bing, bodda boom. I was in and out. He needed no distractions on making my armor, and left me alone to show myself the way out. Which I did. I pissed my pants a little, but I made it out.

Then I got to thinking why they'd need a knight or blacksmith in the first place considering I was told this is a very peaceful place. 'Meh. Everything has its reasons.' I shrugged at my own thoughts and started to whistle as I skipped down the hall.

Skipping...

LIKE.

MOTHER.

FUCKING.

BOSS.

Chapter 15

As I was skipping, you know, like more of a boss then boss itself, I got stopped by the sun princess Celestia surrounded by at least 6 guards. Don't know why they are needed, as try are inside her own castle, but hey? If logic was real, my ass would be back in New York were I'd be fighting off a homeless dude tryin' to butt rape me. (Do not think of that image. It never happened.) "What are you doing?" she asked me.

"Oh, just skipping. Like a boss. What you doing? You know, besides being covered by guards inside your own castle."

"The reason I am being guarded so heavily is due to your knighting ceremony being held in here, and the ponies watching it are already arriving."

I sighed. "Of course they are. I don't like this, you know. I don't want you to boss me around."

"Worry not, as I will not be doing that. I promise."

"All I have is the trust of the words that comes out of ones mouth. Ugh, fine. Whatever. I'm going to enjoy the last bit of freedom I have. Like two weeks in this shit hole and I'm already a knight. What is this?" I mumbled as I walked away. (Walking, like an employee...)

I couldn't enjoy it as I was feared and I knew of nothing fun to do here. So, I just waited till the ceremony, which came soon enough.

Celestia and Luna clopped onto the stage and the crowd- which was fucking HUGE. I mean, bigger then my pony co- Fuck, Hunter. Don't think about it. It was fucking scary...

Anyway, the crowd cheered. "Welcome, everypony. Today, we are here to award somepony who saved Princess Luna and I's lives. We are also here to knight said somepony." 'IM NOT A PONY, DAMMIT!' "Let me warn you all before we get him on stage. He is not a pony, nor a creature of Equestria. Or anywhere in our world, I presume. Do not be afraid, as he will cause no harm. Without further adue, here is he!"

That was my cue. I pranced onto the stage and hear a very loud gasp as I got into view. There where whispers and such from the crowd. "Oh, get over it. I'm not dangerous by any means."

They were still quiet. I sighed. "Get on with it, Celestia."

She did. I was given a medal and finally heard the crowd cheer for me. That was pretty cool, I do admit. I felt all fuzzy.

No, not horny. Fuck you and your dirty mind, obvious reader to my PRIVATE JOURNAL. Fuck you fuckface.

Next was the knighting. I had to say yes to a few oaths and shit. All boring. Then, I was taped on my shoulder and felt myself change. It was... Weird. When the horn was lifted, I looked over myself. I had no differences, whatsoever. "Dafuq was that?"

"Just a spell binding you to your oaths." was my reply.

"Great..."

She tapped me again with her horn, and on plopped my armor. Which was hella gay.

Gayer then the Blue Oyster.

I mean, this fucking set of armor was a straight as a fucking ramp.

It was a powder blue with a wind looking pattern engraved into it with gold. It was light, which was the only good thing. 'Note to self: Burn it and self the materials.'

That threw, there was a party. Boring party, but I had stay for the publicity or some shit. I was answering questions when I hears the classical bad start to play. 'Absolute shit..' I couldn't take how bad the music was, so I went up there. "Whoa whoa whoa. Everyone stop." They did. I picked 10 of them and brought them to the back with me. They were extremely reluctant, but I used my knightly powers to force them. 'One plus.' "Ok, look. What you were playing sucked, so I'm going to show you how to play real music..."

Since I know someones reading this, I'll leave you suspense on what I taught them.

So, I was going to be the singer, and they were going to be the instruments. It was hard to compensate for the guitars, but I think I did it. I pushed the rest of the big band off, and got a mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present. Real Fucking Music." with that, they started playing.

'Once again I wake up alone on the wrong side of my bed. And once again you begin your dancing nakedly on the right side of my head. It's for a lack of better words that I can hardly speak my soul. And I'm feeling what I'm feeling when I'm feeling when it's time to lose control, my love.

And once again we're off to war. But i can't agree with what we're fighting for. And that's not all, because every time she smiles I see her soul,when I smile what a wonderful life.

It's true I used to try, but then I gave up. I learned it doesn't really matter, what I do ain't enough to appease or to please, all my well meaning deeds seem to all go up in smoke. And every time I look into these smoke filled skies I wonder what she's doing, why I volunteered to die. But tonight I will fight for my life so I might see my wife again.

I explained to her that I'd be back.when I gave my word that the fighting wouldn't last. But despite my pact, I know that every breath I draw might be my last, and I smile: It's been a wonderful life.

God damn, another summer in the city and I never seen a girl look so pretty as you when you smile oh you're wild for a while, I was hoping I might see you again. And I know that everybody is willing to go and I find I'll turn it all and leave on a dime. If I leave tonight (screw what's right) I can make it home by dawn.

And I was told "Boy, prepare for war" But they failed to mention what I'd be fighting for. So I fight for this: the fact that as I pass away, I'll feel her kiss,when i smile: what a wonderful life, me oh my, what a wonderful life, oh to die for such a wonderful life.'

As it ended, I said "Now that's real music, mother fuckers."

The crowd fell silent. I guess they never thought a hideous me could do such a thing, but I'm full of surprises. Plus, they always think the odd guy out is weird until they hear him play.

The crowd, after the silence, burst into cheers.

'That's right, cheer for me mother fuckers.'

Sadly, there was no fires. I am a bit of a pyromaniac, and I'd love to set the stage aflame. But, alas, that would not be good, would it?

Chapter 17

It was probably the best (and messiest) dream I'd had in a long time. Got a happy ending from an Asian masseuse. Fuck yea!

So, anyways, besides the great fucking dream (and ruined under-ware, which sucks since it was my only pair and I have to go free ballin' now) it was a less then great day.

So the maid knocked on my door again and I happily answered. She told me to pack my bags and get ready to leave. Something I'd suspect my dead parents to say. Well, I complied anyway, though I don't know why. SHE HAD NO POWER OVER ME!

I packed my armor and sword and... That's it. That's all I have to my name... Pretty damn sad. Huh...

Well, I walked out and saw Celestia waiting for me. "And why didn't you knock?" I asked.

"Well, I thought you'd enjoy her to," she answered.

I shrugged. "What is it that you wanted to wake me this early?"

"You are going to stay at my student Twilight Sparkles home. You stayed at hers as a pony, if you remember."

I just stared at her.

"What? You didn't suspect me to just have you stay here, did you?"

"Uh, yea. I kinda did. I'm a knight, so shouldn't I protect her highness?"

"I have more then enough guards to take care of me."

I sighed. "What ever. You teleporting me?"

"No, you're taking a carriage."

"Uh, isn't that like... Not possible? Isn't there no direct route to Shitty Ponyville by ground? Or am I just soo unfamiliar."

"That and you are taking a Pegasus carriage."

"Great." I said sarcastically. As I should know, I get EXTREME air sickness. So this should be fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOLY NOT

FUCK

FUN!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a quick ride and puking twelve fucking times, I arrived in the hollowed out tree. I was greeted by an overly-happy Twilight and friends inside said tree. Fluttershy was in a corner, and the rest weren't scared one bit (on the outside.) I barely spared each looks as I put the armor in the room I stayed in before (and now the bed is sooo much smaller.) and went back down the stairs. I plopped down on the floor in my shit clothes. "Yello. You already know me, except with a different name. Rusty Trumpets. Pretty bad, I know. Call me Hunter."

Rainbow was the first to speak up. "Why would we call you that? That's a horrible thing to call somepony!"

"Well, I aint no pony. Plus, that's my real, legit name. Go find my dead parents and take it up with them if you have a problem with it."

Well, that wasn't the best thing to say...

"You're parents are dead?" asked Twilight.

"Yup."

"When did they die?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Rainbow, ah don't think he wants ta talk 'bout it." Applejake said to her.

"Nah, it's fine. It happened when I was 16, about 2 years ago." I answered.

"Aren't you sad?" Pinkie asked, for once not saying what's on her mind.

"Was. Learned you have to put everything in your past. It's better that way."

"But don't you want to talk about it, darling?" said miss annoying Rarity.

"No, and if you force me I swear I'll kill myself right now."

There was a gasp. "How could you joke about anything like that?" Twilight said.

"Who said I was a joke?"

That cause silence.

After a minute of that, I clapped and got up. "Welp, I made it awkward, didn't I? Well, let's go and see around this one horse town. I am pretty bored. So, la-la-Lego!"

Chapter 18

The 5 (because Fluttershy is a scared cunt. You know, that seems mean. All she is is shy. She ain't no cunt, but she sure as hell could grow a pair of female balls.) led me around the town with little conversation. Not even from Pinkie. Not like a cared. Most of what they say are questions anyways.

We ended up at the carnival ride themed Carousel Boutique. I was forced into a conversation by the rich bitch (who probably wasn't very rich) Rarity. "Darling, the clothes you are wearing are simply hideous."

"Yea, sleeping by trash cans for 2 years and never getting them washed or fixed can do that," was reply.

"So that's the bad smell!" piped in Rainbow Dash.

Look out! We have a fucking rocket scientist in the house!

"Indeed."

"Well, I think I should make you some new ones." Rarity said.

"Well, miss. They're two problems with that. One, I ain't got no money, and the rule that applies everywhere is 'nuttin' in this worlds for free. Now, the second reason and getting into my normal, white guy voice, is the fact I do not wish to wear any clothes you ponies design. I'd end up in a jockeys uniform, probably."

"Don't be silly! You wouldn't have to pay a thing! Letting me work on such a unique creature is payment enough!"

Yay. Help my feeling some more, you bitch. "Be that as it may, I do not wish to wear pony designed clothes."

"I have the perfect design for you, though."

I gotta see this shit. "Ight, whatever."

She let out a squee. "Ok! Let's take some measurements! Take off those hideous clothes!"

I did. I don't really care about my nudity. Hell, I'd go night stripping for fun on a hot night. Plus, these ponies never wear clothes.

Ah, the life of a ghetto kid.

She and the others took one look at my body. "Hunter, are you healthy?"

And my answer to that was: "Nope! Now measure away!"

She complied. She measured my top and did my bottom, but stopped at my boys. "What is this?" she touched it with a cold hoof.

I fell just from that touch I will be shunned from heaven and hell.

"Something that if you touch any longer I'd sue you for molestation."

She quickly pulled it away. I noticed a blush. 'Yes, any decent person would do that.' "I'm terribly sorry!"

The other girls were laughing. 'Thanks for the self esteem boost, guys!'

When that was over, I was told to come back tomorrow. She stayed back to work and the others, excluding Twilight, left. Me and her were just walking to the tree, alone.

"You seem to have a lot of emotional problems." She upright says.

"Ouch, my feelings."

"I'm serious! You are extremely pessimistic and don't want to talk about anything!"

"And how long did it take you to come up with that, Einstein?"

"What's 'Einstein?'"

"A genius from my world. And no, it wasn't a compliment."

"You see! That's what I'm talking about!"

I've just about had enough of this. I sighed. "You only known me for what? A day of me not trying to pretend to be a pony? Don't judge me. Well, you can judge me. Everyone judges people. I guess all you can hope for is not to be judged."

Like I judge you, reader. FUCKING STOP READING.

"But you need help!"

"Listen, I pray to god you know what respect is. You can think all you want about me. As long as you respect me and my wishes, I'll be fine. Because when I die, I won't have money anywhere, my clothes and belongings won't matter. What people think of me doesn't matter. But when I die, whether it be suicide, homicide, or natural causes, the only thing I can be judged by and have is my respect, ya got that?"

It took her a minute to shake her head.

"Good. Now let's go. I'm tired and hungry."

Oh shit, that reminds me. I gotta hunt for meat. Not even this dragon eats. He is forced on an all vegetarian diet.

'Well, hopefully that's someone that shares my pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was up in the room, reading on some history books when Twilight barges in. "I need you to answer something," she says.

"Ok, shoot."

"Why do you do this? Not talk about anything?" she asks all emotional like.

'God, out of all the worlds, I get sent to the loony pony run one where they keep pressuring you to let it all out in a non-sexual way?'

I start to read the book as I answer her with a question. "Why do you read when you know how the story ends."

With an angry sounding grunt she left.

'Great. This world is definitely going to piss me the hell off.'

Chapter 19

As far as angry pony species, Unicorns are by far the worst to piss off...

So the day started out by me waking up naturally. It was a miracle, I swear. I walked down stairs and breakfast wasn't made for me! Like, I'm the guest! What the fuck? 'Hold grudges, eh?'

"Mornin'" I say to Twilight.

She didn't spare a glance up from her book.

"Yup. Ok, so you're gonna be a cock mangler. I see how it is." I walk out the front door and scare a few ponies. Even though I was with their Eleshits of Fagaty, (Oh HO HO! I'm punny! Haha go fuck myself.) it still didn't give them a liking over me. Whatever.

I hatched an idea and rushed back to my room and grabbed my sword of a thousand fags (or STF, for short)

And headed into the Forest of Doom! Or Everfree. Whichever. It's known for its evil. So much so not even dear Celestia will go in it. I say it's perfect hunting ground for ya boy Hunter.

Yea, I ain't gonna survive without meat.

So I blew caution to the wind and rushed into the forest, paying so fucks to the eerie lighting change that happened as I stepped foot in it. 'Strange,' I thought. 'But...

Come on, person reading! Say it with me!

FUCK

LOGIC!

Hooray!

I wielded STF in my right hand, letting it drag against the ground. It's a Longsword, so being able to attack with one hand (let alone hold it) was nearly impossible. But the doesn't mean I care about it.

To, caring less of it burned and turned to scrap metal, I just let it drag across the dirt ground covered in sticks and feces and possibly dead animals.

Whoa! Look at me being descriptive! Just paints a picture in your head, doesn't it?

So I just walked through the dark forest, looking for signs of prey.

Oh, there were plenty of animals, but normal ones? Nah. Not a change. I even saw a fucking snake-chicken thing!

I suppose even animals have strange fetishes.

But instead of finding normal game, I found a primitive looking shack. Me, being the curious person I am, walk up to it and knock on the door, because, you know, I'm polite.

A fucking zebra answered.

And by the unwritten rules of this world, THAT'S NOT ALL, FOLKS!

She was what you'd think an African women living in tribes would look like. She had the gold rings around her neck and the whole 9 fucking yards. She even had that accent.

Oh, and she only spoke in rhymes.

But that was actually cool, I must admit.

She, thankfully, wasn't the slightest bit scared by me. "Hello, strange creature at my door. To know your name, I'd simply adore.

I tried to be with the majority (of two) "My name is Hunter Suntra, and you name I must ask of ya."

With a grin, she replied. "You speak in rhymes, though intentionally. Zecora would be the name of me."

"So it is, and are you by any chance, a zebra in a species or genus stance?" The fuck else would rhyme with chance to have that make sense? Give me a fucking break.

"Yes I am, in all of those ways. Now why did you come here, today of all days."

"I was wondering about, looking for food. But I think since I hunt that you might find me crude." Rap batter me bro. Come on. Lego!

"Disgust me, it does not, as we all need to eat. But I take it as you only eat meat?"

"Just meat is a no, I also eat foods that grow. But to stick with one food group is boring, ya know?"

He smile widened. "You seem like a interesting creature, I admit. Please, won't you come inside for a bit?"

Listen, it may not have been the exact words she used. How the hell am I supposed to remember all those fucking rhymes?

I went inside and there was just talk. I will not bore you or make you sulk.

Holy fuck I'm stuck in rhymes...

This should be a federal crime...

Alright, I think I'm good. Well, she was a witch, too. Not the magic kind, hell no. Magic doesn't exist! (I fucking wish.) she was a brewer of potions and herbs and such. Pretty cool.

Even got myself a few healing potions for some of my blood.

Like.

Mother.

God.

Damn.

Fucking.

Boss.

As I made it back to the tree, it was late. Maybe 7. I don't know as I didn't have a watch. Nope, had just about jack shit. Wonderful, wonderful jack shit.

I pranced through the door, picking up my sword and sheathing it not to scratch the wood (Cause I care.) My ears were greeted to a yell. "Were were you?" said a purple unicorn running to me with anger in her eyes. Her horn glowed as she pinned me down with her magic.

I am not the submissive type, and do not enjoy being constricted.

I may do whips and chains, though. Rhiana seems to like them.

Fucking burn bitch! And I ain't even in your world! How does that taste?

Back to we're I was being pinned down by a unicorn.

"I looked all over town for you and you were nowhere to be seen! Only a few ponies saw you go into the Everfree forest with your sword!" She spat. 'Well, I know who would be on top in your relationships.'

That's if you get your head out of those books.

"Hey, I was just at a zebra's place. Zecora was her name. Pretty cool chick." I manage to choke out.

"Celestia told me to keep a very close eye on you!" she did now?

"Well, unless you are looking for forth base, this is as close as can be. Now, unless you have anything more to say, I would like to be freed at once." with hesitation, she released the spell. "Thank you. Now, I'm going to get to sleep. Please to piss on me in my sleep." I say as I go up the steps.

As soon as my doors close, I cry out in pain.

Getting pinned down by a unicorn rushing at you who is apparently very powerful and the Princesses student can really hurt.

But,

Boss,

I didn't show her my pain.

Cause I'm

Person that controls other people in a business or corporate scenario...

Chapter 20

For the eyes undoubtably reading my journal, no. I do not add every detail of my life in here. Now, though, I feel I might as I am getting bored as there is nothing else to do.

So last night I, before I ended up not giving a fuck anymore, I wondered why Celestia would dare having someone watch over me. I mean, I was a knight, wasn't I? Hopefully it was a ruse, because I feel I'm going to hate it. But she must have told Twilight with such force that she had to tackle me with magic when I wasn't to the tree on time. I wasn't even really late!

But it's ok. I'll probably commit suicide anyway. I'd rather crack racist jokes with Satan trying to get on his good side so he doesn't cut my dick off then stay in this happy go lucky world.

I just had the strangest coughing fit...

I woke up the morning after being tackled (and almost molested) by Twilight with my feet dangling off the bed and my blanket ten feet away from me on the floor.

I am a very strange sleeper...

With a hardy yawn, I rose like my morning wood and stretched out.

I'm getting tired of writing my dirty thoughts. I mean, now that I read it, they are pretty bad.

Meh. They add humor.

Getting dressed in the only pair of cloths I have, I multi-task my way down the stairs and into the horrid smelling kitchen were breakfast is being cooked.

Now, these ponies stick to the 2 main food groups. Veggies and plants, and diabetes giving sugary treats. Whatever Spike, (Yes, the Dragon. He cooks.) was cooking, it smelt like cow shit. "Bro, what are you making?" I asked him, clenching my nostrils.

He turned around from what he was doing and said, "Oh, hey Hunter. I'm just making some fried Daffodils. You want some?"

Fried Daffodils.

What.

The.

Fuck.

How does that even make sense?

How?!?

Is there no god here?

Does physics not apply?

I've been saying it a lot lately, and you know what?

FUCK YOU LOGIC!

Fuck you and everything you stand for!

Logic, I hope you get AIDS!

"No thanks," I say calmly, disregarding the voices in my head.

The tantrum.

Fuck you logic!

So I just grab a book and sit down, not seeing Twilight anywhere. I was reading, pretty calmly, until Spike yelled to me. "Oh, I forgot! Rarity told me to tell you your clothes are done! She says to come over and try them on!"

I put the book down and thanked him for the info. I disliked Rarity, but the fact I get new clothes for no cost, even if they look like shit, is good by me. Plus, it gave me something to do.

I left the tree and headed towards the boutique. It didn't take me long to reach it, and I headed inside, hearing the bell ring above me. "Yo, Rarity. In hear for my clothes!" I call out.

"Just a second, Darling!" I hear her voice call back. "Just let me grab them for you!"

I whistle a tone waiting for come back. Five long ass minutes later, she does. And I gotta say, the clothes weren't shit.

Far from it.

They were a plain white tux. Yup. Plain, nothing too fancy. Just a tux.

How she made it for me, I never know. I wasn't complaining. They were nice. 'Now all I need are white dress shoes' I thought. She made me try them on and I did. They were a perfect fit. 'Fuck yea.' I thanked the annoying bitch (She just talks too much, man!) and walked back to the library with my new clothes on, in style.

Now I was truly...

A Mother Fucking...

Chapter 21

I walked in my white suit to probably the library. I really had no need to go anywhere else, as most were afraid of me and probably pissed their pants at the sight of me. Less were, yes. But there were still some.

I hummed to the beat of 'Suckerpunch' (By Five Iron Fury) as I walked with such a swagger it didn't seem possible. Cause, like, you know. I'm kinda like a boss.

'Grass grows, birds fly, and brother, I'm a fucking boss.'

Nope. not as good as the original.

This town was so peaceful and quant it disgusted me. I was used to the muggy air of New York and the loud cars of drug dealers and wannabe racers in their silly little Honda's passing by and honks of fucktarded drivers who think they're always correct at what they do in their car. Here, It's just so quite! The birds chirped daily and it was annoying the fuck out of me. I did enjoy seeing the stars at night, though. They are pretty awesome.

I arrived at the abode of the purple unicorns and dragon and apparently me now and opened the door. Which was weird. It was a normal door, yes, but re doorknob didn't even work. Ponies just seem to walked through them, paying no mind to the apparently false knob. This was true with me as well. This place just doesn't make any sense!

The seen I found inside was relatively normal. The dragon was hard at work as 'The Number One Assistant!' ad Twilight was deep within a pile of books. This time, they all seemed to be about 'Mythical Creatures' and 'Creatures from other lands.' I shrugged, not wanting to get involved, and went to the kitchen, feeling entitled to whatever I damn please. Cause like I said, I'm. A. Mother. Fucking. Boss.

Too bad it backfired in two ways. One, nothing was really edible to me. Two, I caught Twilight's attention. "Hunter," she called to me, looking up from her book. 'Damn, she's using my real name,' I thought with a groan. This means I'm gonna get to answer lovely (and sometimes personal) questions!

"Yeeeees?" I groaned back to her.

"There is nothing about your species in any of my books! Would it be alright if I got information to add to one?" she asked.

I let out another over-exaggerated groan. "For the lack of anything better to do, fine." I dragged my body to a seat by her and laid back, waiting for them.

"Your species is called Homo Sapiens, correct?" was the first question.

"Yup," was my reply.

Writing it down, she asked me another. "How many different types of Homo Sapiens, or Humans, are there?"

"What?" I really didn't understand the question.

"I mean, we have pegasi and unicorn, what about you?"

I surya understand. "Well, we has people from many different countries. Over 280c I believe. Not sure. There are Asians, Americans, Canadians, Mexicans who are also Hispanics, African Americans, Indians, many different kinds."

She wrote all this down. "What are the differences between all them?" she asked.

"Just looks, mostly. Like Americans have white skin, like me, and African Americans are shade of Brown. Americans can be African Americans and such. It's confusing. But, it's mostly colors. It doesn't really bête off shades of tan and peach and brown, no matter what race."

She somehow got all that. "Alright. Is it alright if I ask you a personal question about your kind?"

I smiled. "Of course!"

"How do you... You know... Make babies?"

"Mate?"

"Y-yes."

"Well, probably like you do. Penis in the hole. Nothing much to it. We don't generally do Doggy style like you ponies. Missionary is prefered. Depends what you're into."

Writing that down, she asked on. "I saw where 'yours' is located. Were are the females?"

"Same place, about. A little lower."

"Alright. Do you have multiple mates, or no?"

"Hell no! That's horrible! I may not go to church, but I ain't going to hell!" Probably.

"What are the population numbers?"

I thought for a second. "I think we reached 7 billion before I was taken here."

If there was anything in her mouth, it would be on me now. "Wha-what? 7 b-billion?"

"Yup."

"Are you overpopulated? How do you survive?"

"No and we make due. There's over a million in New York alone."

"And you all just have one mate?"

"Most. Nearly all, I guess. We are evenly spread. Even males and females."

She sighed. "Humans are crazy!"

"Yea, well. I care so much about what you think."

"But you should!"

"Why? It only leads to conflict."

"What do you mean?"

"Most of the fighting- and I suppose even some wars. Not sure."

" You have conflicts? Wars?"

"A whole lotta them. I knocked a few fuckers out. But that doesn't mean I'm bad. Or mean. I, like my country, an others, do what we gotta do."

She looked uneasy.

I sighed. "Do I look mean to you?" No answer. Another sigh escaped me. "Don't answer. If you need me, I'll be scaring little ponies into giving me their candy."

She looked disgusted. "I'm fucking kidding! Ugh. Fuck it all. Bye." I walked out the door in my basses white suit.

Man, I can even make me storming out of a house look like a boss!

So I left with an empty stomach to one destination at mind. The edible Sugarcube Corner

Chapter 22

So I walk to Sugarcube Corner in my oh so amazing suit and tie. Need I say it?

Fuck it, imma do it anyway!

LIKE.

BOSS.

The pony I'd probably have to talk to is Pinkie Pie, who from what I've been told, is not more then a 12 year old on heroin. Of course, it wasn't said like that. They have no concept of drugs, apparently. Sad. Now is the time I feel I'd start doing drugs.

Then again, maybe that is the reason I'm here. Maybe it's all an illusion!

God, please tell me I'm right.

...

I swear I just heard an extremely silent 'No.'

Sighing, I skip, not really, to the oh so edible looking bakery. I've tasted a few of the food they've had to offer (at the welcome party in my pony body) and it is fucking amazing. Sex in my mouth.

Just realized that sounds like oral.

You know what I just realized aside from that? The pastries are all made from eggs. And I'm no zoologist, but I'm pretty sure ponies are herbivores. Why the fuck do they eat eggs? Chicken embryo, for fucks sake.

Meh. At least I found a source for protein.

Midway through the walk, I heard a loud warning of 'Look out!' I should've realized it was geared towards me, as all the other ponies were yards from me. I was pimples to the ground by a pegasus. A cyan Pegasus. With a rainbow mane.

'member her?

I slid across the ground face first, eating dirt. Literally. Eating fucking dirt. I tasted a bit of blood in my mouth when I finally stopped, nothing major. But there was damage.

My new fucking suit.

Covered in dirt and tears.

What. The. Fuck.

I felt fucking ANGRY. This was my new fucking suit, which was boss, ruined by that fucking rainbow pony. Rainbow Dash.

"The fuck is wrong with you!" I almost yelled as I got up and say the pegasus, favoring a wing.

"What's wrong with me? You're the one who didn't move when I yelled a warning!" She yelled back.

"Oh, so it's my fault? Right. Then I guess it's my fault my grandad couldn't get hard after 50, is it?"

With slight confusion, she spoke and did the thing teen girls do. "Whatever. Are you alright?"

"Aside from being absolutely LIVID for making me ruin my outfit, I'm fine. You?"

"I think I pulled a wing," she says, still favoring it.

I sigh. 'Don't wanna do this. Don't ask. Don't do it...' "Lemme see it."

GOD DAMMIT.

So, during middle school when I had parents, I was on a football team. I was told I was a pretty talented tight end. It wasn't super fun for me. Too easy. But one day, when my friend pulled a muscle in his leg, I jokingly massaged it for him, trying to hurt it more (cause imma dick). Instead, when he got up, he said not only was his leg better, it felt better then ever before. Surprised, I tried out some other people (The gay high-point of my life). It turns out, I'm pretty damn good at this shit. So how hard could it be to massage a horse wing?

Pony, sorry.

"Uhm..." she seemed unsure. "Why?"

"I'm gonna fix it"

"Fix what?"

"Your wing. You said you pulled it. I think I can fix it."

"Uh..." her eyes shifted back and forth.

"I ain't gonna hurt cha or nothing. Just feel it will help you. Plus I'm bored. It'll kill time."

"Uh, here?"

"Yea, sure. Why not? It'll be quick, hopefully."

"Uh, let's not do it here."

"And why not?"

"It's.... Just... I gotta go," with that, she flew off, even with the bad wing. It was clear it was off, her flying. I shrugged. 'Fine. Fuck you too then, you rainbow haired clam licker."

With nothing much else to do (and me sweating like a pedophile in a day care due to the relatively heavy suit, not needing repairs and a cleaning, on this hot day,) I take off the suit jacket, leaving on the hire shirt. I walk the way to the destination I was originally going.

Sugarcube corner.

That's right. I make it dramatic by putting that on only one line.

Yippy-kye-yay, mother fuckers!

Chapter 23

It's not hard to find the Sugarcube Corner. Just look for the giant fucking gingerbread house.

I'm not kidding. It's a giant. Fucking. Gingerbread house.

It looks quite delectable.

Sudden urges to eat a bakery aside, I walk in through the doors and receive a welcoming of a blue pony with hair that looks like cake icing cowering in fear.

Of course I'm serious.

Whoever it was put it's head to the floor, covering it with it's hooves. It's ass was up in the air, tail between legs, and was whispering "please don't hurt me," in a feminine voice.

I've concluded it's either a gay dude or a girl.

I walk to the counter and lean against it with one arm on it and my legs crossed. I looked up in the air and then around. I started to whistle. No service.

Gah, I have a shirt and shoes on. Well, they don't wear clothes anyway.

'No shirt, no shoes, and I still get service.'

Come on. You knew it was coming!

Anyone?

No?

Ok...

Can't even make myself laugh as I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN READ THIS. That's pretty sad.

Back to the happening!

"Uh, I see you there. Ya think I can order something?" I say, annoyed.

Oh, if you're wondering how I have money to get anything, I stole a bit of this lands currency from Twilight. Not like I took much. Only 30 prices of the shit. Which was called bits.

Yea. I know.

Each I assumed was worth about a single US dollar. Either that or shit here is cheap.

Wait, does that even make sense? Maybe I should've found a way to stay in high-school...

The pony-presumably a girl/mare- lifted up from her fright-induced pose and said, with a stutter, "H-how m-may I-I h-h-help Y-Y-You?"

I could see her shaking. I eased an eyebrow and replied. "Uh, yea. Just gimmi..." damn, what do bakery's sell? Only pastries and shit? Fine. "Just gimmi some cookies, chocolate chip, and some cheesecake."

She wrote something down with a shaking hoof- defying fucking logic!- but looked back up to me. "S-sir? W-what's a Ch-cheesecake?"

Don't fucking tell me they don't have them. Don't you fucking tell me. "You mean you don't know what they are?"

"N-no.."

I stared at her for a minute, creeping her out. "You know what? Fuck this. Fuck you ponies, fuck the lack of noise, fuck the fucking grass. And. Fuck. You." I close to yelled as I stormed out.

I wasn't even here for long and I already fucking bust a nut. As much a I don't want to admit it, this place is a lot better then NY. I sigh to myself. 'I do want to go home.'

I just realized something. I'm going to be fucking lonely as hell here. I ain't gon' get no hours pussy. I ain't about that life.

I'd cut off my cock before I'd do that!

And I would never. NEVER. EVER. Be in a relationship with a horse.

I shutter at even the thought of that.

'Yea. Fuck no. I now what my dick wants, and it aint that.'

I think for a moment before deciding where else to go. "Might as well go back to Rarity. Gotta fix up these clothes." I say out-loud to no one.

So I make my way there. A short, simple walk. Then I realize how hungry I am. My stomach is almost literally speaking. If I didn't flip a tit, I'd be eating now. Aw well. I made a mistake. Who cares?

The short walk was short (obviously). I walked into the boutique, not knocking because it's a store surta, and called out to Rarity. "Rarity, you here?"

A quiet yell was the reply. "Just a second!"

I shook my head, forgetting she couldn't see me, and I sat on a couch nearby. The table was filled with random magazines. One was even labeled 'Time'. 'Fucking copyright.'

I flipped through the magazines, most of which were bad puns on magazines on Earth, and reached one at the bottom I couldn't help but laugh my fucking ass off at.

It's Playmare.

Fucking.

Hilarious!

Even had a mare in a fucking tight nurse outfit.

And I thought this world was innocent.

I'm not sure if it makes me a perv or what since I looked through a few pages. Didn't 'pitch a tent,' though.

Makes me proud.

But, I soon hid it back under the rest of the magazines. I leaned back and got comfy. The second she said turned to be five minutes so far.

'Might take awhile,' I thought as I started to hum a tune. It was 'Failing, Flailing,' by Streetlight Manifesto. Awesome band. That made me realize. I'm probably never going to hear them again. I don't have an iPod or anything, and I only got a trumpet. That ain't gon' work. 'Well this sucks.'

Little time later of waiting, Rarity came out.

"Sorry for the wait, I ha- Oh, hello Hunter! Or Trumpets. Which do you prefer?" she said as she walked into the same room as me.

"Could care less."

"Alright. So what makes you stop by so soon after leaving?"

"Well," I lift up my dirtied suit jacket. "Had a little accident with Rainbow Dash. She crashed into me. Fucked this shit up. I'm just here to ask if you can clean it for me."

"Of course!" she happily replied, levitating the jacket with her magic. She walked back from once she came, and soon, came back. "That should be done in say... An hour? You are more then able to stay here, if you like."

"I actually want to read up on something. I'll be back later," I say, walking out the door.

As I was sitting there, I had an idea. And it involved a shit-ton of reading. So, I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible so I could do just that. Fucking reading man.

You know what? I actually enjoyed reading as a child. It was fun and quite entertaining. Yes. I enjoy saying quite. Deal with it.

So I walked back to the library and walked in. The seen was just about the same as web I left. I shrugged and looked around the library. 'Are you fucking kidding me?'

The library wasn't in the Dewy

Decimal System. It was alphabetical order. "What. The. Fuck. This is horrible!"

I got the attention of Twilight, apparently. "What's wrong?" she asks.

"Why is your library ordered like this?" I replied.

"What do you mean? It's in perfect order!"

"Hell no it's not. It's in alphabetical order."

"Yes. How is that bad?"

I sigh. "You need to order it in order of their subjects. Back were I was from, they were ordered to the T. Each category. Each sub-category. Each sub-sub-category."

She was wide eyed. "Really?!? Would you mind showing me?"

Wow, I have a bad attention span. "Sure." I came here looking for a book, end up telling her about the DDS.

Halfway through me explaining it (and her writing down to have Spike do it later), there was a knock at the door. I open it, much to the dislike of Twilight, and the people...er... Ponies, who stood looked faintly familiar to me. (My memory ain't the best.) There had to be 10 of 'em.

"Ah, finally! I got re right house!" said the one closest to me. He was grey and had a light brown main. His 'Cutie Mark' was a single music note. I looked around at his group. Much looked like him, with slight color differences. 'Why is he so familiar?'

"Uh, who are you? Are you looking for Twilight Sparkle?" I ask.

"Oh no no! You are just the pony I'm looking for!"

"Well, I'm not a pony, so..." I was about to close the door, but he put a hoof in the way.

"The... Whatever you are I'm looking for."

"Better. Now what do you want? I'm kinda busy."

"What, you don't remember us?"

"Bitch, I can't even remember how to spell my name."

"H-u-n-t-e-r," I heard Twilight call.

"Thank you Twilight." I yell back. Pretty random. I'll take it. "So who are ya fags?" It's fun to make fun of sentient beings when they don't know what you're saying.

"We were the band you taught that song. When you came on stage. Remember?"

Oh, these ponies are them? Huh. When I went on stage, I wasn't in the right state of mind. I drank way too much cider. No, it's not alcoholic, but the sugar content was enough to make a grown man high. (See what I did there?) "Hello, then. What do you want?"

"I was just wondering if you would like to join us!" He held his head up high.

"Yea, no." I answered bluntly.

He seemed a bit taken back. "W-what?"

"I said no. Find a singer and make you're own songs."

"B-but!"

"But what?" No answer. "Alright. So, if you have nothing else to say, I'd suggest you leave." I shut the door in his face and went back to teaching Twilight the DDS.

"Who was it?" she asked as I got back within her view.

"Just a group of fagtards." she looks at me confused. "Nothing."

She shrugged and we went back to teaching.

A pretty boring day.

But I feel I forgot something...

Oh fuck...

Excerpt from the Diary of Jessie DeSilva (AKA chapter 24)

Excerpt from the Diary of Jessie DaSilva.

(Aka Chapter 24 )

Fuck it all to hell.

Oh, inanimate diary. Want to know what's wrong? Fucking everything, that's what.

It started as a normal day. I got up out of bed. By got up, I mean rolled to the floor to the loud beeping of my alarm clock. I smelt bacon, so I knew my parents were up already. 'So begins another day in the life of a 18 year old.' That's more of less the thought process of mine every morning. Probably as it is with any other person.

I groaned as I got off the carpeted floor and stood up in my baby blue colored room. I yawned and walked in front of my mirror. My brown hair was a mess and I was half naked. The usual.

I grabbed my towel and headed towards my bathroom. Upon my sick was my tooth-brush, my ear studs and lip ring (Which I got as a dare on vacation at Wildwood in Nj. My friends are obsessed with them.) I didn't really want to get it. I had enough on my ears. I mean, I got like ten in each ear.

Exaggeration, yes.

I strip out of the little skimpy clothing I had and hop into the shower. I turn it on and immediately put the hot on high. I deal with the short cold and sigh as the heat warms my body. I can't help but admire my body. I'm no self centered bitch, but being the type of girl I am, I can appreciate a slim body as mine.

Little awkward writing that.

I won't go over my shower. Un-eventful. I got out, dried, but on undergarments, and on went a Fox shirt that hugged my body and some black skinny jeans. A black beanie found its place atop my head, completing the illusion I'm a goth girl who cuts herself. No, I am not.

A few sprays of perfume and I'm off downstairs to indulge on the pieces of heaven known as bacon. Fucking deliciousness. Pure bliss.

"Sup, mom. Dad." I say as I make my way to the kitchen table which say my parents. I am a spitting image of my dad, while my mom is blonde hair blue eyes. I dunno. Had to get the dominate genes.

My mom was her usual cheery self and said hi back, and y father just 'hmpphed' at me. He hasn't been very happy at me since I 'came out.' I really don't care. But, he took it well enough. My mom obviously better.

"Pass me some of that bacon please, mom." She shook her head and passed it over. I took a handful (and got greasy hands) and tossed it on my plate. My dad let out a little laugh.

"My girl," he said.

"Learned it all from you."

He smiled and continued to read the 'Lancaster Tribune.' I got some pancakes that were made and chowder down on my fatty breakfast. I always wonder why I'm not fat. I eat a shit ton.

As I finished, I washed off my plate and places it in the dishwasher. I washed the grease off my hands and grabbed the keys to my old '73 Ford F150. It used to be my dads. His first car. And it shows. The paint it nearly gone and the once brown car is now rust brown. But the engine runs good and its my baby. My shit colored baby.

"Where're you going?" my dad said as I slipped on my black boots.

"Don't you remember? I told you yesterday I was going to Anne's for the weekend." She's a friend I've known for awhile. She recently moved to New Jersey, right by Raceway Park. She wants me to stay with her for the weekend. Something about wanting me to compete in the 650cc freestyle.

Talking dirt bikes.

I was like 'Why not?'

"Oh right. I forgot. Well, have fun." He barely looked up from his paper. I shrugged and left, making way to my pick up.

I already hooked up my trailer and bikes yesterday. My helmet and books as well as gear was in the cab with me. I was bringing both bikes, incase an unfortunate an incident happened.

I started down the dirt driveway and made way to the highway.

The ride started out fine. Listening to some Johnny Cash while driving to Nj is pretty nice.

That's when the infamous bad driving of New Jersians showed.

I was driving over a bridge when some guy cuts me off. I panic. I steer left and, unfortunately, off the bridge. The railing breaks and I fall.

Time seemed to slow. I cover my face with my arms as I scream out. It took what felt like a year to hit the water.

But why am I not dead?

That was my entire thought process. Only thought.

My eyes were closed as I felt the contact. I felt it. I swear. My head bashed against the steering wheel. I felt tremendous pain as blood oozed down my face. The water began pouring in. The cab filled up in a mater of seconds.

But then it became white. Everything. White.

I closed my eyes. Hoping I would die quickly. But the pain never came. I opened. I found I was still in my truck. It wasn't under water. I wasn't gushing blood. And a dude was running towards me. He was moderate sized, and looked extremely malnourished. He wore a white suit bottom, but not a top. It was instead a button up.

"Holy fuck!" he yelled. I looked around. I was in the middle of a town. The houses looked very cheery but made of less then desirable materials. Where this guy was coming from was a giant tree with a door on it. 'The fuck?'

And behind him was a...

Unicorn...

A purple unicorn.

With a mane styled like a human.

"Are you alright?" the guy asked. The unicorn had huge eyes that looked of concern.

"Yea, I'm fine." I replied. I got out of the car and decided not no panic. This wouldn't do any good. "What is... That?" I asked, pointing to the unicorn.

"I am a unicorn," it said.

Whoa whoa whoa. It SAID. It spoke!

"Wow, I must have hit my head hard." I say aloud. The unicorns voice was very feminine, so I guessed it was a girl.

"Sorry to say, this is not no dream." the guy said.

"W-what?"

"Don't panic! Please."

I took deep breaths. Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.

"Al-alright. Where am I?"

They went though this whole spiel. I'm in Equestria, ruled by ponies. PONIES. For fucks sake, can this get any worse?

Oh, and some can fly while others do magic.

Great.

Oh, I seem cool and calm in writing. No. I fucking freaking out.

Apparently this dude is the only other human here. He is a male.

And I am female.

He better not hope to make babies. I am not going to.

Not because he is ugly. If I was straight, I'd date him. But I'm not.

Also, I scared the whole town, apparently. There was a loud bang and poof! I arrived.

The guy, who's name is Hunter, seemed happy I'm here. Probably because I'm a human.

Or because he can have sex now. But that's now gonna happen.

Now, I'm in a huge ass tree. It's a library as well. This is where Hunter is staying, and I will, for the time being. A lot more happened, but I don't want to write any more. I'm tired and think I deserve a well needed rest.

Goodnight, diary. Glad I keep you in the glove compartment.

Chapter 7

After being jumped by the pink ball of energy, we continued our walk to whatever acres. She, you can see in the swag in her step, had high hopes or some shit. Maybe she was just happy. Meh. I was the complete opposite. I had my head down and was... Whatever the pony equivalent is to trudging. 'All her friends are probably fuck-jobs like here. Why'd I have to go?'

The walk was long. It seemed like it was over a mile. I was keen to walking, being homeless and all, but in a new pony body, it's hard. I'm trying not to trip over my own fe- HOOVES- as I walk, and it doesn't help that I'm acting like a puppy on a leash who's trying to get away from his owner because he knows it's the day for his ball to get snipped off.

It was a relatively quite walk aside from all the clopping and shit. We soon made it, and I saw quite the sight. Hundreds- maybe thousands- of apple trees were planted as far as my eye could see. 'Must've taken quite the no life to plant all these.'

Don't listen to my thoughts. It was still pretty sick.

She walked up to the farm-house door and knocked. I stood behind Twilight, trying to hide. Due to my malnutrition, I was able to hide behind her since she was thicker then I, but I was taller then her, and my bright fucking orange and blue self stuck out in her purple.

The door answered and for a second I thought there was no one there, until I looked down and I saw an adorable baby pony.

Baby ponies are called fillies, right?

So, the FILLY had huge eye and an olive colored body with reddish hair like the one off a ginger toped with a giant adorable bow.

SO FUCKING CUTE!

"Hih, Twihlight." She said.

OH MY GOD A SOUTHER ACCENT TOO!

"Hey Applebloom," Twilight responded.

I SWEAR IM GONNA HAVE A CUTENESS OVERLOAD!

"What brings ya here?"

"I was just seeing is Applejack was here."

"Ahm sorry, Twahlight. She ain't here righ' now. Ah thinks she's in town."

"Oh, alright. Thanks Applebloom."

"No problem, Twahlight!" she said as she closed the door.

"Oh my god she was so cute!" I practically squealed. 'A manly squeal.'

"I know. Too bad you couldn't meet her sister. We walked all the way here for her just to be in town."

Ugh, more walking...

Chapter 16

The cheering died down and the shit band resumed their songs. I hopped of the stage (Which, even though the armies light, it's still restricting.) and pranced over to the snacks (all disgusting) and beverages (non-alchoholic) setup. I didn't spare the foods one glance as I took a cup and filled it with the punch. Surprised a very sophisticated party like this would have shitty beverages like such, but whatever. 'God, how I wish I could spike this.'

I was drinking alone. In a corner. By my self, not forever alone. Forever available. Which is extremely accurate due to me not going to fuck any ponies. I'd rot in the ninth layer of hell with Hitler of I did. 'Hey, If you do, Hitler would love you, wouldn't he? Blonde hair blue eyes?'

Yup. Just me and my fucked up thoughts.

I'm not fucking a horse, though.

I was approached by Celestia who had something in her field of magic. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it was a sword. It was in a rainbow sheath...

A fucking rainbow sheath...

"I almost forgot to give you this. Not only is it your weapon, it is you badge of knighthood." she said, handing it over.

I unsheathed it and saw it wears a yellow handle and the same design as my gay armor. "What is it called? The sword of a thousand fags?"

"It is whatever you wish to call it."

'Yea. Don't acknowledge that I called it gay...'

The rest of the party was uneventful. I learned cider was there equivalent of beer here. It was non-alcoholic but the sugar content could make a grown man look like he's on crack. It made the mares standards low enough to hit on me. There wasn't nearly as many dirty words as a five dollar hooker, and I was disgusted. So I (not so) politely turned them down.

I mean what do they give? Hoof jobs? Dammit, that would hurt.

Again, I'm not fucking a horse nor losing my virginity to one. That's probably the only thing I have left due to me being a knight.

It suuuuuuucks....

It sucks more then a 5$ hooker. (BOOYA! Used twice in a row mother fucker!)

As the party ended I took my Sword of a thousand fags with me and took over a nearby room to sleep.

And nothing else happened. What else were you expecting eyes that SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS.

It's probably Celestia or some shit...