A Muffin Misadventure
***
Derpy flew above Ponyville with a bright smile on her face. She had been in the sky most of the day on a trip back from Cloudsdale. It had taken her longer than it had really needed since she had gotten sidetracked by this funny looking bird, but she didn’t mind. The small adventure had been fun. She looked around below her. Ponyville was getting ready to shut down for the night. Derpy looked back up. The sun was setting and the moon had poked its nose up over the horizon.
A brilliant idea seemed to spring into her mind like lightning. Maybe she could snag a muffin from Sugarcube Corner before it closed! Despite Cloudsdale being a wonderful place, there wasn’t anywhere they could make muffins like Sugarcube Corner. Besides, Cloudsdale muffins were too puffy. It was all air.
She checked her saddlebags and found a few bits. If she remembered correctly, she had enough to get one! Even if they weren’t fresh, a muffin was still a muffin. Taking out a small map, she looked over it while making popping sounds with her mouth. Checking her surroundings, she banked right at the Town Hall and spied the bakery a few blocks down. She pinned her wings against her body and dropped like a brick. She glanced downward. Her descent was a tad too quick. Why? Derpy looked at her back. Yes, her wings weren’t flapping right now. That was why.
Her wings snapped open and she spun into a nose dive.
“Not again,” she muttered to nopony in particular.
Barely able to control the landing, she saved herself from face planting into the ground. Instead, she skidded along the rough streets, running into an apple cart. She looked up, her cheeks red with slight embarrassment. The pony in front of her was orange with a blonde mane. A Stetson hat rested on her head. The corners of her mouth had risen as she offered a hoof down to help Derpy.
“Lemme help you, sugarcube,” said Applejack.
“Thanks. I just don’t know what went wrong,” said Derpy, though she did know. She looked around, though her eyes made it difficult for one to know exactly what she was looking at. “Sorry about your apple cart.”
“All’s well. I was just getting ready to head back.”
“I was too. Hey, do you know if the bakery is still open? I really want a muffin.”
Applejack nodded. “Pinkie Pie’s closing up right now, but you got time. Want an apple?”
Derpy thought about it. She sat down and looked hard at the ground, trying to decide if an apple was worth the room in her tummy. Slowly, she nodded. The Pegasus eyed the leftover apples, knocking a few to the ground. Finally, she spied one that was just perfect.
“I’ll take it!”
Derpy took the apple and waved goodbye to Applejack. With a single bite, the apple disappeared. She rushed over to Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie stood in the doorway. Derpy picked up the pace and pushed open the door.
“I’m here to buy a muffin!” she declared.
“Oh goodie,” said Pinkie. “We’ve got one left! It’s a big one too!”
Derpy nodded vigorously. A big muffin! Was there anyway this day could get any better? The glass case that displayed the normally extravagant ensemble of pastries and other delectable desserts was barren with the exception of one muffin. The muffin truly was a big muffin. Derpy could see the blueberries, chocolate chips, apple bits, coconut, and all sorts of good stuff that had been shoved into the muffin to create a mishmash of heavenly goodness. Her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.
“I’ll take it!” she said, already beginning to drool.
Pinkie smiled. She reached in and grabbed the muffin. Setting it on the counter, she rang up the price. Derpy’s face fell. It was too much for her to afford right now.
“Maybe tomorrow,” she said, her face downcast.
Pinkie laughed. “How about tonight?” She leaned towards Derpy, as if to share a secret. “Mr. and Mrs. Cake don’t let me handle the money yet. Don’t worry, I’ll get my own and that way you can have the muffin! Just wait right over there!”
The pink pony bounced up the stairs to her room, going to get the money for Derpy. The bubble-marked Pegasus turned around and walked over to a small table and chair. She sat down and began to spin the coins on the table. She imagined a bug riding the coin would get horribly sick and dizzy from it. The thought scared her. Hurriedly, she stopped the coins and checked to see if there were any bugs on it. Thank Celestia! There weren’t! Breathing a sigh of relief, she started to spin them once again.
A bell rung and she looked up. A pony had walked in. She paid him no mind. After all, spinning coins were much more fun to watch than a boring pony. The tingling of bits hitting the counter made her sit up straight. Her coins hadn’t bounced. Derpy stopped them and turned around.
“Have a nice night,” said Mrs. Cake as the pony walked away holding a box.
Derpy’s gaze immediately shot toward the counter. The muffin was gone! The Pegasus sprung from her chair and began to zip around the room, looking for the giant muffin that was to be hers! After about exactly five minutes of searching, she gave up. It was gone!
“Nooooooooooooo!” she cried, looking up at the ceiling. Tears formed at the base of her eyes. “It’s gone!”
“What’s gone, silly filly?” asked Pinkie Pie coming back from her room. A brown bag rested between the jaws of Gummy, her toothless crocodile that rode on her back. Pinkie then spied the muffin, or lack of. She gasped. “Oh no, what happened?”
Mrs. Cake came rushing into the room. She put a hoof up to her mouth. “Shhhhhh. Pound and Pumpkin are sleeping. And what is the commotion about?”
“The muffin’s gone!” said Pinkie, pointing fervently toward the empty space where the muffin had been not moments before.
“And now poor Derpy won’t get to taste the most delicious muffin in all of Equestria!”
Mrs. Cake looked at Derpy and shook her head slowly. “I’m sorry, dearie, but I sold it to a nice stallion not five minutes ago. Come back tomorrow, we’ll have more.”
Derpy’s face melted. Tomorrow? But, that would be in forever……and a day! With her head low to the ground, she began to walk out of the bakery. Pinkie Pie couldn’t stand to see a pony with such a gloomy face. With nothing but a blur showing she had actually crossed the space from behind the counter to Derpy, she bent down to look the wall-eyed Pegasus in the face.
“I have something that will turn your frown upside down!” said Pinkie, a massive grin on her face. “C’mon, I have some cake I saved from this morning! You can have it!”
Derpy’s face lit up. Cake wasn’t that bad. Not as good as muffins, but still, it was good. Pinkie came back with a bright pink box and opened it with a flourish. Nothing but crumbs greeted her. She sighed with defeat. No muffins or caketonight.
“It’s okay, Pinkie,” she said. “I’ll come back tomorrow like Mrs. Cake said. Then I’ll have the money to get the muffin!” Determination filled her voice at the end of the sentence.
Derpy’s normal happy face returned. She tipped an imaginary hat and headed out the door, going to her house. As soon as she was outside of the bakery, her ears drooped and she hung her head. Dragging her hooves on the ground, she made her way around the winding streets of Ponyville. The only thing that went through her mind was the thought of that delicious muffin being devoured by somepony other than her. Lights began to shine from the insides of houses, illuminating everything in front of her ever so slightly. As the houses began to thin out, she noticed railway tracks next to her. Her brow furrowed. This wasn’t the way to her house. She looked up. There was the train station.
“Not again,” she said to herself, shaking her head in disappointment. “I guess I’ll head back now.”
Right before she turned around, she heard a whistle in the distance. It was a train! Coming toward the station! Derpy put all thoughts aside and decided to watch the train. Trains were fun to watch, especially all the steam and noise they made as they pulled into the station. Watching it was almost as fun as watching cloud bowling.
The whistle blew again and the bell began to clang. Derpy motioned blowing the whistle and ringing the bell with her hooves. She even turned to pretend to shovel coal into the furnace. As the train slowed down, she mimed putting on the brakes. Wiping her forehead of imaginary sweat, she flew up and mimicked climbing down the ladder to reach the ground. She turned to face the train station once again and noticed him!
It was the same pony who had purchased her beloved muffin. Her eyes narrowed. Maybe she could get the muffin from him! The pony stepped on the train with his baggage. Derpy didn’t have enough bits to purchase a train ticket though. She leaned forward and waited for the conductor to call out the next destination.
“Next stop, Canterlot!” called out a pony. “We leave in twenty minutes!”
Derpy looked up. A big smile, slightly mischievous, spread across her face. Twenty minutes were just enough time for her to go to her house and grab some supplies she would need to get that muffin!
***
Derpy inched her way toward the rear end of the train. She checked her wrist. There was no watch. Perfect. She had exactly five point two nine minutes till the train left. She looked up at the station clock.
“Muffins!” she cursed. The train was leaving in one minute. She had less than her allotted time. Why was her watch always wrong?
Heading toward the caboose, she crawled up the railing and tried to roll across the platform. Her body slammed into the door. She scrambled upward and pressed her body against the wall next to the door, holding her breath. Nopony came. Instead, the train’s whistle shattered the otherwise silent night. She tugged her leg down as if pulling on the whistle. The Pegasus giggled. The whistle was the best part of a train.
Derpy knelt down and took out the spy supplies Pinkie had loaned her. Yes, so what if she hadn’t gone to her house. Besides, if she had, she wouldn’t have been able to get any supplies. Now that she thought about it, she didn’t have any spy supplies! She searched around in her bag, trying to feel for the lock picking tools. With a triumphant sneeze, she pulled out a paperclip.
“Bless me,” she said. After all, nopony was supposed to know she was here, so who could hear her sneeze and then bless her? She shook her head and moved the paperclip to the lock. It didn't fit. She eyed the paperclip. Something was wrong here, she just couldn’t put her hoof on it.
I’m supposed to fold it out, she thought.
Slowly, but steadily, she unwound the paperclip till it was straight. She inserted it into the lock and began to fiddle around with the internal mechanisms. The lock wiggled a little bit. Her hopes grew. Still nothing happened. Derpy pressed her ears against the door, trying to listen in. She had read a book once that Twilight had loaned her. Other than skipping over the big words and massive portions of text looking for pictures, she had remembered something about lock picking. Or had it been something else, like fixing the plumbing? She shrugged. How different could plumbing be from lock picking?
Finally, she gave up. Nothing seemed to work. She settled for gnawing on the handle. It didn’t give. She wiped her mouth, trying to get rid of the metallic flavor. Derpy took a deep breath and looked behind her.
“We’re moving!” she exclaimed to nopony in particular.
As she had tried to get into the train, she had completely forgotten that they were heading to Canterlot. Derpy leaned over the railing, watching the tracks whiz past from underneath her. She opened her mouth and let her tongue hang out like a dog. A bug got caught on her teeth. Sputtering random phrases, she spit it out. Once again wiping her mouth to rid herself of the awful flavor, she turned back to face the door. She giggled suddenly.
Reaching forward, she twisted the handle and it swung open. She bent down, grabbed her saddlebag, and threw it over her back. She hummed a small song as she walked forward with pep in her step. Her mane swayed back and forth with the rhythm that had trapped itself in her head. As she made her way around the baggage that had been piled up in the car, she searched for the box that held her beloved muffin. Checking to make sure nopony was coming, she dove into the mountain face first. Like a mole digging its way through soft dirt, Derpy burrowed her way through the many bags. Every time she saw a bag that caught her attention or even slightly smelled like baked goods, she would investigate. Once, she hit the jackpot. There were small cupcakes in a neat little box. Cautioning being heard, she emptied the cases contents, though she was careful to make sure the cupcakes were safe. There were no muffins anywhere to be seen.
Putting back the contents, she tried to zip it shut. However, it wouldn’t. The stuff was piled up too high. Getting on top of the bag, she began jumping up and down, trying to compact the contents. She imagined bouncing on a cloud. If she got lucky, rain would come out like planned. However, lightning might jump out and hit Rainbow Dash…
Derpy stopped. She looked around. Rainbow Dash wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
“Whew. It’s okay Rainbow Dash, I won’t do that again,” she assured the invisible Pegasus.
Closing her eyes, she resumed bouncing on the bags. Frosting began to collect on her hooves. She stopped and looked down. The cupcakes had been ruined. She sat down. Frosting collected on her rear end. Cupcakes…why was that so important?
Muffins! That was why she was here. Licking her hooves clean and wiping away the rest of the frosting on a napkin Pinkie had supplied in her spy equipment (you never do know when a napkin will be handy), Derpy made her way to the passenger cars.
First trying to open the door instead of pick it, she was pleasantly surprised that is swung open noiselessly on oiled hinges. Taking a seat, she settled in. There, directly in front of her – well, directly in front of her slightly to the left – was the pony that had taken her muffin! She studied him, using the binoculars that Pinkie had also supplied.
“Wow, Pinkie sure thinks of everything,” she whispered. “But these binoculars make everything really small.”
“That’s because you’re holding them the wrong way, young lady,” said a pony in a blue vest with gold buttons. “Now, if you don’t mind, may I have your ticket?”
She brought the binoculars away from her face and turned them around. The wall-eyed Pegasus then resumed looking through them, filled with delight that they were working properly.
“You’re smart, mister,” she said enthusiastically. “I can see much better now.”
The conductor looked up impatiently. “Your ticket?” he repeated.
Derpy turned to the pony, her eyes causing the conductor to look away slightly. Staring Derpy directly in the eyes is difficult. She buried her head into her saddlebags, fishing around for her ticket. She thought hard. She was sure she had a ticket...
“I can’t remember where I put it,” she said, half to herself and half to the conductor, head still inside the saddlebags.
“I’ll come back, then,” he said. “Just make sure you do have it.”
Derpy pulled her head out of her bag and watched the conductor go to the pony who had taken her muffin. Her face grew dark as she remembered the events that had taken place not that long ago.
The pony said a few words to the conductor and reached down to pull up his carry-on. The sound of zipper being unzipped made Derpy’s ears perk up. As the pony rummaged through his bag, she caught sight of the box that held her muffin. She stared at it dreamily, almost starting to salivate. Sadly, it disappeared as the bag was closed again and the conductor punched the ticket for the pony.
Derpy decided to take a closer look at the pony. He was a unicorn stallion. Derpy pulled out a notepad and pencil and wrote that down. He had a graying mane and a light blue coat. His tail was cut short, though it had been groomed neatly. It wasn’t a jagged cut like Big Macintosh’s. The stallion wasn’t the fittest stallion she had seen. In fact, he was very much overweight. (Probably from all the muffins he had eaten.) Derpy couldn’t quite see his cutie mark though, as his flank was covered up by his baggage.
A shadow fell over her. She looked up and gave the conductor a sheepish smile. She had remembered. “I don’t have a ticket.”
The conductor raised an eyebrow. “Then you’ll have to come with me, miss.”
The conductor stepped back to allow Derpy to get up and collect her few belongings.
“Come now, how much is a ticket?” a voice asked.
Derpy looked up and down to see if she could find the speaker.
“Over here.”
Derpy’s eyes fell on a laid back earth pony stallion. He had a small duffel bag on the seat next to him and his brown color scheme was complemented by a jet black mane and tail. His eyelids were half closed and he was lounging as if nothing in the world could faze him. The stallion sat up to reach into his bag. He pulled out a few shining bits.
“Take them. I’ll pay for the mare’s fare.”
The stallion winked at Derpy who smiled with delight, excited that she was going to be able to continue on her quest for the muffin. The conductor nodded curtly and excused himself as he headed back up to the front of the train.
“Thank you. I was in a pickle,” said Derpy to the stallion. “What’s your name?”
“I’m Piquet Spade. Not the most masculine name, I know, but I’ve grown used to it. What about you?”
“I’m Derpy Hooves and I’m on a mission to get a muffin!”
Piquet raised an eyebrow, but he was still smiling. “Good luck then. Hope you get the muffin.”
Derpy nodded enthusiastically. “I can’t wait to eat it. Muffins are my favorite thing in all of Equestria.” She paused for a moment. “But I like delivering mail too.”
Piquet leaned back, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. “Well, I’m sure you’ll do fine. Don’t worry about paying me back. It’s quite alright.”
“Thanks again Mister Picket!”
Piquet opened one eye. “It’s Piquet.”
“That’s what I said.”
Piquet sighed. He wasn’t in the mood to argue and hopefully the wall-eyed Pegasus would catch his drift as he closed his eyes.
Derpy turned around and wriggled with delight. She would still be able to get the muffin. Maybe if she crawled over to it, she could get it out of the box and eat it really quickly before the pony saw her. Or heard her, for that matter. She dropped from view and started to crawl like a spider toward the bag that was settled underneath the train seat.
Everypony stared at the strange mare that was tiphoofing her way between seats. Moving over to the left side, she went onto her stomach and began to crawl forward. Derpy’s mane got caught once on a chair. She shook her head. It loosened up and she yanked forward, causing a few strands to get ripped out.
“Ouch,” she said, trying to rub her head under the tight conditions.
Shaking away the pain, she pulled herself under one last seat. There, right in front of her, was the bag! Derpy grabbed the zipper and began to slowly open up the bag. She had to make sure it didn’t make more noise than the train, which shouldn’t be too hard. Slowly, Derpy let the zipper glide along its tracks, letting the flap peel backwards to reveal the insides of the bag. As soon as it was open enough to dig her hooves into it, she did so. Her hooves ran along every nook and cranny the bag had to offer. It was then that she felt it! Suppressing a triumph shout, she pulled out the muffin box! She took a good long look at it and then frowned.
“That’s not a muffin,” she murmured to herself. “It’s a book.”
She turned it over and looked at the cover. It was a Daring Doo novel. Rainbow Dash read Daring Doo! Curious as to see why the athletic Pegasus enjoyed the books so much, Derpy opened it to begin reading. As her eyes skimmed the pages, she felt herself get sucked into the books immersive storytelling…and the pictures! Ages seemed to pass by as she fell in love with the book - mainly the pictures. Something nagged at her though. She looked to her right. The bag was moving! That was where the muffin must be!
She shoved the book back where it was, dog-earring the page to mark her spot, and lunged at the bag. Her head collided with the bottom of the seat again.
“Who put that there?” she asked herself, irritated that somepony would be so inconsiderate.
Her eyes locked on the briefcase as it soared upwards. She wriggled backwards and popped up. Letting her chin rest on the back of the seat, she followed the briefcase as it was placed next to the unicorn stallion. It opened up and the muffin in its box was pulled out. Her heart began to pound with anxiety. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be eaten now!
The stallion, thank Celestia, moved the muffin down and pulled out a piece of paper, quill, and some ink. He began to write on the paper, yet Derpy didn’t care what it was. Her focus was the muffin. She stretched her shoulders and forelegs and prepared to snatch the muffin right up when the stallion wasn’t looking. Taking a deep breath to muster up her courage, she leaned forward slowly, making sure she made no sudden movements that would betray her presence. Her hooves began to near the muffin. She scrapped the top, causing a crumb to fall. The stallion didn’t notice.
“Whew,” she said, wiping imaginary sweat from her brow.
The door slid open and the conductor stood in the doorframe, holding a golden stopwatch. He waited a second before calling out, “Five minutes to Canterlot!”
The stallion looked up and Derpy dropped below his eyesight. She saw his horn light up with magic. Only one thing could come from that: he was putting everything away!
“Biscuits,” she muttered. “So close.”
Derpy cautioned another peek. Maybe, just maybe, the stallion would put the briefcase back under the seat and she would be able to get her muffin then. No such luck would come her way as she saw the stallion had the briefcase tucked next to him. Derpy felt like crying. The muffin was calling out to her and the briefcase was mocking her. With an agonized sigh, she flopped over the seat.
“Five minutes too much for you, young mare?” asked the stallion, turning around after hearing the noise.
“Yes.”
“Don’t worry, just think of it this way, it’s only three minutes now. In fact, if I do say so myself, I believe the train is slowing down right now!”
Derpy sat up! The train station! She best get her stuff. With sudden energy, she shot back to her seat and sat there anxiously. Piquet awoke from his quick nap. He noticed the Pegasus’s nervous twitch.
“Happy to get to Canterlot?” he asked.
“Very,” she replied. “I’m going to get my muffin!”
“Well, good luck with that.”
“Thanks! And good luck with…whatever you need luck in!”
Piquet nodded and a faint smile played on his lips. The stallion gathered his things and left Derpy to be.
Derpy forgot that when a train stops, you usually have to brace yourself ever so slightly. Derpy slid across her seat and face planted on the seat in front of her. Derpy pulled her face away and inspected the dent.
“Not as bad as my other ones,” she admitted. “I’m getting better.”
Shaking herself off, she trotted to the opened door that led out to the Canterlot Station. A small line had formed. She checked to see who was up front. Ironically, it was the stallion that held her muffin. As the stallion moved forward, the contents of his duffle bag fell out. The zipper hadn't been zipped shut.
“Oh dear,” said the stallion. He groaned with frustration and began to pick them up. A few other ponies leaned in to help him.
With his belongings back in, he began to walked off. Derpy noticed his briefcase still standing upright. The unicorn had forgotten it and with it, the muffin! Without a moment’s hesitation, she shot up and flew along the top of the car. Making sure she landed on top of the briefcase directly, she pinned her wings against her body. Mimicking a cat, she grabbed the briefcase. Derpy ignored the protests of the ponies and sat down. She rubbed her hooves together. Finally, the muffin was within her grasp…and stomach!
“Can’t you sit somewhere else, for Luna’s sake!” said an impatient pony. Most of the rest agreed and voiced their frustration.
The stallion looked back to see what the commotion was about. He spotted Derpy with his briefcase and hurried back over.
“Thank you kindly! I can’t believe I forgot my briefcase!” he exclaimed. He collected his belongings in a miasma of magic and headed on his way.
Derpy almost collapsed with disappointment. She didn’t feel like moving, but she was annoying the ponies behind her. Derpy slowly drug herself out of the car. A snail could have easily beaten her. Suddenly, she was surrounded by magic and moved off to the side by a unicorn who had a rather haughty expression her face.
“Sheesh,” said one as the rest of the passengers walked by.
Derpy sat up straight. The muffin was within her grasp and she missed it. Now was the time when she wouldn’t mess up. That muffin was still hers! She checked her saddlebags. Sure enough, Pinkie had included the spy suit she had worn at the Crystal Empire.
“Derpy the Spy,” she said, thinking aloud. “Or what about Derpy-oh-seven! License for eating…eating tasty treats!”
With a pep in her step, she made her way to the nearest little filly’s room. Once inside, making her own background music, she dressed in the spy suit. As she put the headpiece on, her world went black. Was the spy stuff supposed to do that? Feeling her way to the door, she pushed it open. She lifted her hoof and took a confident step forward only to trip over her other hooves. Derpy picked herself up. Why was the moon broken? Was Luna being lazy? But why would Luna not fixing the moon make her eyes itchy? She rubbed at them and couldn’t feel them. Panic blossomed in her chest. She couldn’t feel her eyes! Instead, she just felt the smooth material of the suit…
If anypony had been paying attention – and could have seen through pitch black fabric – they would have seen Derpy blush. She fixed her headpiece and the world lit up again. She pursed her lips as she thought about what she needed to do next.
First thing was first, find the stallion. Again.
Moving with the shadows, at least trying too, she exited the station and looked up at the massive skyline of the capital. Celestia would be resting by the fire while Luna would have the throne for the night. However, did they have a quest for a muffin? No they did not. Derpy snorted fiercely. Maybe she snornted too fiercely, because she sneezed violently after.
“Do spies sneeze?” she pondered. “Only if they can’t get caught. That’s when they always sneeze, and then they get caught.” She nodded once as she came to that conclusion. Spies only sneeze when they least wish too.
With that incredibly important question out of the way, Derpy stepped into the streets. Considering the time of night, they were vacant. Only the occasional streetlight cast any form of lighting. Derpy raised her ears. She heard nothing. It was quiet, too quiet. Well, maybe it wasn’t. After all, it was nighttime.
A shadow caught her attention. It flicked from here to there along the rooftops. Each movement was careful and precise. Intrigued, she followed it, vowing that she would retrieve her muffin right after. She flew upwards and took to the rooftops. Derpy followed the shadow as best as she could. Occasionally, she would lose sight of it only to round the corner and restart her chase. The shadow seemed to move in a zigzag line. Its pattern was irregular and it didn’t make sense. Of course, it made sense to Derpy. Maybe it didn’t want somepony to follow it. She slowed. What if it didn’t want her to follow it? That wouldn’t be very nice if she didn’t take its feelings into consideration. She slowed and waved goodbye to the shadow. If it didn’t see her, that was okay. But now she was lost. Turning in a complete circle, the Pegasus looked down the streets. A band could be heard in the direction of the Palace. A party was probably going on for the high class ponies. Chances are they didn’t have muffins. After all, when was the last time she saw muffins in the oeur d’oeuvres? Well, never, considering she had never been to a party where they served fancy oeur d’oeuvres. Derpy swore that she would bring muffins if she ever was invited to one of those parties. Blueberry or chocolate chip muffins probably.
The staccato sound of hooves on cobblestone broke her concentration. Hooves akimbo, she searched around to see who would be so rude as to break her thinking session. All irritation was dashed away when she saw who it was. The pony that had her muffin was right there! She drifted down along the roof, landing on top of an overhang. Like a hawk on its perch, she leaned over to peer directly over his head. He had no idea there was a Pegasus right above him, carefully tracking her muffin that he had the illusion was his. She shuffled her hooves, making sure she had a firm footing. Derpy contemplated diving down and swooping in from above, yet pushed aside the idea in favor of pretending to be Derpy-oh-seven for a bit longer.
As the unicorn stallion continued his walk along the streets, Derpy followed him from above. Usually, when he went out of view, she would fly up and look around till she spotted him, then land once again on the rooftops. The same thing went on for some time, yet Derpy didn’t tire of it. She had all the patience in the world right now. The muffin was going to be hers.
“Muffin Overlord, this is Derpy-oh-seven. Target is in sight,” she muttered, cocking her head to the side.
“Derpy-oh-seven, this is Mufin Overlord, confirm ID,” Derpy replied, answering herself, playing both parts.
“ID is confirmed…muffin nabber.”
“You have the green light to take back the muffin. No casualties, though. Remember, Derpy-oh-seven, we were never here.”
“Roger. Derpy-oh-seven, over and out. Bringing back the muffin!”
With the image of Muffin Overlord tracking her every move, she took extra precaution when moving on the roofs, only tripping twice. The buildings began to thin out ever so slightly as three major thoroughfares converged to a junction. A fence plot of land with a massive building in the center stood at one corner. The stallion was headed straight there. Derpy glided down with the silence of an owl whose pinion feathers had been clipped. The unicorn looked behind him, an eyebrow raised. Derpy flung herself into the shadows, slamming into a trash can. A cat meowed as it pounced out of it. It hissed at Derpy, though she didn’t notice it. Her heart was pounding too fast and loud. Muffin Overlord would deduct that from her score.
However, the cat walked haughtily away from her. The unicorn saw the cat and relaxed. Cats: curiosity is the only thing that seemed to be able to kill the things.
Derpy rummaged through her saddlebags and pulled out an apparatus that looked like a massive pair of glasses. The only trick this thing had was it really was telescopic! She placed it on her head and zoomed in to see what the stallion was doing at the gate. She kept her eyes glued to the stallion. Derpy could see him patting himself, checking for something. He even looked in a few of his bags. Finally, a key appeared. It floated to a lock and twisted. The stallion lived at the museum!
“Can ponies live at the museum?” she asked herself.
As the stallion walked in through the gate, she decided that ponies can in fact live in museums as odd as it is. While contemplating whether ponies could live anywhere, the gate closed completely with a loud clang and a small click as the lock snapped back into place.
“Piece of muffin,” said Derpy, walking up to it brashly. “I’ll just open it like the caboose door.”
She pulled on the gate. It shook violently, making a loud, cacophonous sound. Derpy froze. What was that noise? She looked around. It had stopped. The gate stood there, still closed. Maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t going to be as easy as the caboose. She sat down, right in front of the gate, and pondered what to do next. There wasn’t anything that she could think of right now.
Derpy got up and began to walk around the gated museum. The grass beneath her hooves felt great. It was almost as good as having the wind in your mane when you flew…
“I’ve got it!” she exclaimed. Why didn’t she think of that before?
She reached into her saddlebags and pulled out two claw looking things and placed them on her hooves. It was simple: she just needed to dig underneath the gate! That was exactly how spies did it and therefore, she would do it as well! She swung down at the grass and pulled it up. She swung again and again, letting the digging claws do the work. Moments passed by and she was already buried flank deep in the dirt. Dirt flew upwards from the hole that she was digging. Minutes passed by and she judged she needed to start heading upwards. She changed her course and aimed upwards. With a zombie-like roar, she let her hoof shoot out of the hole.
“I am the undead Derpy,” she moaned. “Muufffiiiinnnnnnssss……!”
Derpy giggled and brushed off any remaining dirt. Her hoofiwork was perfect. It was a rather efficient way to get passed a gate, if she did say so herself. She flicked her mane back into position and eyed the museum that contained the stallion that held her muffin hostage.
Hunching her shoulders and lowering her head, she tiphoofed along the manicured lawn. The building had been remodeled to fit the modern age. A sky lighting system, robust windows, studier materials, and even new security systems had been installed. Of course, they were no match for Derpy.
Derpy looked straight up at the building. She assumed that the front door was locked. Knocking and asking for permission to pilfer a muffin just didn’t seem reasonable as well. The windows were probably too hard to gain access to anyways. The answer, it seemed, would to simply go up.
Derpy checked into the saddlebag that Pinkie had given her. Sadly, there was nothing in there for scaling walls. Apparently, Pinkie had left out the four suction cups for a pony’s hooves. Dejectedly, she flopped down and let her wings sprawl out. How could fate be this cruel to her? She had followed the muffin all the way here only to lie here with no hope whatsoever of…hay! Her wings could make her fly! And if they could make her fly, she could get to the top of the building…and she could have simply gone over the gate as well.
Derpy blushed as she realized her ditzy idea of digging instead of flying. Still, she had made it! Derpy jumped up and flapped her wings, gaining altitude. She neared the top of the building. Her hooves tingled slightly as she landed on the shingle roof. Derpy made sure her footing was secure before walking forward. She kept her head low, checking the tile pieces, hoping they wouldn’t come loose and fall. None did.
The Pegasus neared the closest skylight and began to examine it from all angles. She flitted here to there, even twisting her head around to look at it upside down. She spotted screws and pulled out a screwdriver. She undid both screws, letting the skylight swing open. Moonlight illuminated the marble floors beneath. Rows of multiple artworks and other exhibits could be seen along the hallways of the museum. Before she jumped in, she stuck her head in, letting her ears swivel around, trying to see if she could hear the sound of anypony scarfing down a muffin. None could be heard and therefore, she hypothesized, her muffin was still safe…for now.
Without a moment’s hesitation, she dropped down into the museum, completely disregarding the fact that she was now breaking and entering. The muffin was the main focus of this mission and she would not disappoint Muffin Overlord, which, frankly, was her own self.
However, before she even moved forward, the pure sense of amazement she felt pour over her was enough to paralyze her. Now she realized where exactly she was. Without a doubt, she was in the Canterlot Museum of Fine Art and Historical Artifacts. Legend had it that…no, she couldn’t think of a more boring place to go with a muffin. To be honest, the only pony she could really see enjoying a place like this was Twilight and maybe Sweetie Belle. Wait, it was her sister, Rarity. Derpy nodded as she got the name right. Rarity would enjoy this. Sweetie Belle would do something else. She pushed aside the thoughts of Ponyville and began to sneak around the museum. The sound of hooves clip-clopping against the floor made her look around. She paused and heard the echoes fade away. She started walking again. The noise came back. She looked down. It was her. A smile grew on her face. The sound was interesting to her as it reverberated back to her. Derpy began skipping and a new rhythm met her. It became a game and she tried to make as many patterns as possible. One pattern didn’t seem to work though. Every time she paused, the sound would continue. Only, it wasn’t her. She turned around a corner and saw a guard heading her direction. Thank Celestia, he was looking a different way when she did so. Derpy’s heart began pounding frantically. The look on the guard’s eye was suspicious. It was like he knew somepony that didn’t belong here was here.
The Pegasus looked beside her. A decorative curtain hung beside her. Gripping it with all her strength, she began to shimmy up it. As she neared the top, she lodged herself in the corner, supporting her weight as best as she could. With her legs splayed out, she looked down directly at the guard. It was a unicorn. He illuminated everything directly in front of him. The light swept up and down the exhibits, his keen eyes making sure nothing was out of place. As the stallion passed by, Derpy grabbed onto the curtain once again and slid down. She landed like a cow that had jumped over the moon and forgot its parachute. She scrambled away as the noise caught the guards attention. The guard started walking in her direction. Only the shadows the clung to Derpy kept her from being spotted immediately. A feeling of dread crept over her. The guard was getting incredibly close. Just another step…
The sound of a body hitting the floor and a groan resounded throughout the hallway. Immediately, the guard turned around. Derpy caught sight of a shadowy figure crawl out of the moonlight that bathed the floor in a light blue light. The guard did as well. Without another look behind him, the guard moved forward. Each step the guard took was cautious and tense. The stallion was ready for action at a moment’s notice. Derpy took advantage of the distraction and zoomed across the hallway, using her wings to speed forward blindly.
She flew randomly, hoping that she would run into the pony that had her muffin. A question rose in her mind. Who was the shadowy figure? It reminded her of the shadow she had followed along the roof until she decided to stop. What if the shadow was angry that it thought she had followed it? Immediately, she began to mumble excuses to herself, trying to pick out the perfect one. She decided that she would simply tell the truth: she was here for a muffin. Satisfied that the shadow would understand, she began to hum to herself. She wandered aimlessly throughout the museum, keeping an eye out for the pony. At the same time, she felt herself pulled in by the artwork. Some of it was absolutely fantastic and awe inspiring. However, nothing stole her heart more than the sound of the pony with her muffin!
Derpy took on the role of Derpy-oh-seven once again, slinking along furtively in the direction she heard the voice. Then, another voice was present…it belonged to a mare. Derpy took note of the route she was taking and moved toward the rear of the museum. The Pegasus had to fight the urge to break into a full gallop, since, she remembered, that galloping made a lot of noise. Noise equaled getting caught. Getting caught meant no muffin. No muffin meant she would be very sad.
“Don’t be sad, Derpy,” she told herself. “Be happy and get the muffin!”
With that rock solid logic as her driving force, she used every ounce of patience she had left. Finally, she rounded a corner and spotted the flanks of the stallion and, what she assumed, was the mare. Considering it was near the end of the museum, there weren’t that many exhibits. Instead, only a solitary door in the center of the left wall was all that could be seen and a lone bust of somepony’s head made of stone.
The door was opened by the stallion who motioned for the mare into the room. Derpy spied his baggage with him as well. The briefcase that held the box with the muffin was her target. She flew upwards and pretended to walk on the walls. Like a fly on the wall, she peered downwards. Laughter came from the stallion as he stepped inside as well. Derpy flew down and stopped the door from shutting completely. She bit her tongue, hoping that they didn’t notice the lack of noise.
“It’s all about noise, isn’t it?” she asked to the bust, who happened to be the museum’s founder.
The bust didn’t reply, but Derpy didn’t mind. Sometimes no answer said everything. And the bust had an excellent point: if it was all about noise, then why was she talking? She needed to be quiet!
Miming zipping her lips shut, she peeked into the room, still inverted. From within the room, if the two had looked at the door, they would have noticed a light blue-grey head with a blonde mane peering at them with a wall-eyed expression. Thankfully, they didn’t. Instead, the mare sat at a desk with a pile of papers. A few lanterns lit the place. From what Derpy could make out, it was an office. The stallion had grabbed plate from a cupboard behind him and placed the muffin between them.
“Why don’t we eat? I’ve been holding off on digging into this and it looks absolutely magnificent,” said the stallion. “I picked it up in Ponyville at a bakery quaintly called Sugercube Corner.”
“If you insist, but we really need to get this done before tomorrow.”
The stallion looked up at the mare. “Still, you can’t think properly on an empty stomach, whatever the time is. And when is food not good?”
“Never, I guess,” replied the mare with a shrug.
“Then let’s eat.”
A knife flashed and Derpy almost screamed in horror. The muffin was being cut! Suddenly, a small ringing came from within the office. The stallion groaned and got up, apologizing to the mare. He levitated the muffin and placed it behind his desk. The sound of metal on metal was audible. Clearly, the stallion had placed it in his own personal icebox to keep it cool. Perfect. Now Derpy could get it.
“I am terribly sorry, but we have an issue. One that I hope isn’t urgent. I would ask that you come with me, considering you are looking at taking over for me.”
The mare nodded. “Of course. I guess that muffin will wait for later.”
“Indeed.”
Derpy practically danced with delight. She couldn’t now, though. She scurried upwards, high enough that nothing could give her away. She thanked Celestia that they both didn’t look up. Derpy pushed off of the wall and glided down, thankful to reach the ground. The constant flapping of her wings to keep her pinned to the wall had been tiring. She shook her head, letting her mane situate itself, though it covered her eyes more. With a huff, she started toward the desk with determination.
Before even touching the desk, she looked over the desk. After all, Derpy-oh-seven couldn’t get caught now. Clearly the desk had been booby trapped – even within the few seconds those two had been in here. After all, what could be more precious than a muffin?
With a satisfied nod, she catapulted over the desk and landed facing the icebox. With a deft twist of her hoof, she opened it. There, staring at her in all its glory, was the muffin! Hooves shaking slightly from exhilaration and excitement, she pulled the muffin out gingerly. Nothing wrong could happen now, right? Good guys had won and the bad guys had lost! Derpy balanced the muffin on her nose and began walking forward. A big grin had sprung onto her face involuntarily. With her eyes shut and her head held up high, she began trotting forward.
Her rear hoof caught the bottom of a chair and she flew forward, sending the chair rushing forward. It crashed into a bookcase, causing the books of fall down. She hurriedly got up, the loud noise startling her. Derpy located the muffin quickly and accidentally ran into another bookcase in her mad scramble to get it. As the wooden structure began to fall, she saved the muffin from being crushed. Who knew getting a muffin would be so difficult?!
This time, she backed up, grabbed the box that the muffin had originally been in. She placed the muffin in it and shoved it into her saddlebag.
“Why didn’t I think of that before?” she mused. “Silly filly, you need to think harder next time.”
Confidant that she would remember to think harder about the situation in the future, she scurried out of the office. The noise, just like the bust had told her, attracted guards. She found herself staring up at a stern faced guard.
“We’ve got two intruders it seems!” he called out in a thunderous voice. “You! Get over here. Now!”
Derpy pursed her lips. Now this pony wanted to have her muffin! She steeled her nerves. Not this time. No pony, be it stallion or mare, unicorn, Pegasus, or earth pony, would have her muffin. That logically meant this guard couldn’t have it either considering he fit at least two of the categories she had just listed.
Derpy shot up and flew at the wall. She braced herself and crashed through it, creating a Derpy-sized hole.
“Hey!” cried out the guard. “Stop! Thief!”
A thief! There was a thief?! That meant Derpy needed to keep out an even sharper eye. Not only did normal ponies want her muffin, but so did professional criminals. How could this night get any worse?
She flew around the museum trying to find her skylight she had entered it. From what she could recall, she had gone this way……no…that wasn’t it. She turned around and picked a direction that seemed right……well, that wasn’t it either. Derpy began to feel somewhat frustrated. Everywhere she went, she always seemed to end up going the wrong way.
Concentrating, Derpy finally virtualized the path she took and turned down a hallway. With her heart pounding furiously, she prayed that she was going in the right direction. Shouts of guards broke her focus. Derpy looked behind her. Sure enough, there was a group of guards galloping after her. She turned around and flew straight forward, dropping low to the ground, hoping that some of the sections of low light might throw them off.
Instead of not running into anymore guards, she ran directly into another pony. Her saddlebags, having been loosened during her misadventure, flew off. Whatever the pony had been carrying flew up as well. They collided in midair, causing all of the contents to spill out over the floor. Frantically, they both searched for what was most precious to them. Derpy located her box with ease and stuttering apologies to the shadowy figure, she began to take off. The figure did so as well, both of them heading in different directions. Something didn’t feel right though. The weight of the box was different. Derpy opened up the box, stopping completely. Inside wasn’t the muffin. Instead, papers and an incredibly small painting fell out. Anger and frustration filled Derpy. Nopony messed with her muffin. As much as she felt sorry for hating the shadowy figure, she knew that it had taken her muffin. The last straw snapped.
With a zealous cry of vengeance, Derpy whirled with such authority it caused the guards who had caught up to her to flinch. Derpy took advantage and galloped at the shadowy figure with all her might. Guards were brushed aside with ease. She just focused on her quarry. Muffin Overlord said no casualties, but she would gladly pay the consequences for this. Mentally switching off her role for Muffin Overlord, she was now rogue Derpy-oh-seven. With a flying kick, Derpy slammed into the shadowy figure. The black garbed pony flew upwards with a cry of surprise. As it landed with ease, it looked at Derpy with rage. Still in its hooves was the box. Derpy knew that within was her muffin. She charged and tackled the pony. Clearly, the pony hadn’t expected this because it fell with a muffled cry of surprise.
“Give me my muffin!” she bellowed.
“What the hay are you talking about?” asked the pony, swinging a few punches. “I don’t have your muffin!”
“Are you calling me stupid?” she asked furiously, blocking the attacks and desperately trying to get the box back.
The reply didn’t come. Instead, the pony kicked her in the stomach. As Derpy fell backwards, her hooves jerked upward, knocking the box out of his grasp. The muffin flew upwards. She flailed her legs, trying to slow her descent. The figure tried to get up, yet was having a hard time, suffering from the kick to the back. Derpy watched with helpless dismay as the muffin plummeted to the ground. As it struck the marble floor, it shattered into crumbs, having been jostled around too much. Tears began to form and she hit the floor with a slight oomph.
“You ruined my muffin,” she said with quiet anger. Derpy got up, shaking with both rage and pain. A diamond seemed to fall from her eye as the tear glinted off of the moonlight.
“So?”
“YOU RUINED MY MUFFIN!” she howled.
Derpy bounded forward, pinning the figure beneath her. Her anger immediately began to subside. She would never really hurt the pony. She was just angry that her muffin was ruined. That was all.
Guards surrounded them both and picked Derpy off of the figure. They then immobilized the figure. With a flourish, the mask was taken off of the pony. Derpy stared with some confusion before the face began to become familiar to her.
“Picket?”
“It’s Piquet!” he said. “And why did I have to pay for you train ticket? Sweet Celestia, why does life have to be so ironic?!”
Derpy giggled but her humor was lost within moments. “I don’t know. I lost my muffin too.”
“That was the muffin you were trying to get? Dear Luna, you are the craziest mare I have ever met!”
The museum curator and the mare came to the scene shortly afterwards. The Royal Guard had been called and they arrived shortly. With hoofcuffs ready, the locked up Piquet and carted him away as he steamed at the pure irony of the situation. As one of them turned to Derpy, the museum curator stepped forward and put his hoof in front of her.
“I’m not pressing charges or asking for the arrest of this one,” he said.
Derpy looked up with surprise, though it was hard to see on her face.
“While she did do some property damage, it doesn’t exceed the value of her help in catching the thief. Her obsession with that muffin helped catch a rather well-known burglar, even if by accident,” he said, a gentle smile on his lips. The guard shrugged and walked away. He turned to her. “I’m Dusty Tome. This is my assistant, soon to be curator, Ms. Pascal Bright. We are both very grateful.”
Pascal nodded. “Thank you very much Miss…..?”
“Derpy,” said Derpy.
“Derpy. Yes, thank you very much. We would also like to offer you free membership. Feel free to stop by anytime. Though, try not to smash a hole in the wall when you visit.”
Derpy nodded absentmindedly. Reaching around into her saddlebag, she pulled out a notepad that she tried to keep with her at all times. Considering the amount of mistakes she had done in the postal service, she kept note on what she was supposed to do next time. This was worthy of being written down and have it be ready in a moment’s notice. Don’t smash any more holes in the wall. As her pencil scribbled across the paper, Dusty continued.
“I must say I was looking forward to that muffin,” he said somberly. A small smile appeared on his face, “And you were clearly anxious to get your hooves on that muffin as well.”
Derpy ignored him, though not on purpose. She was still writing. Dusty wasn’t offended. Instead, he bid her goodbye and Pascal followed. Derpy looked up. Her wings were tired. That meant she couldn’t fly home. She would take the train… wait, she didn’t have enough money for the train home.
“Excuse me,” she said, trying to catch the attention of one of them.
Pascal turned around and raised an eyebrow.
“Can I borrow some money? I don’t have enough,” she said. A yawn escaped her. She rubbed her eyes. “And I’m kinda sleepy.”
Pascal nodded and handed her a few bits. “That should take care of a one way ticket.”
Derpy smiled and trotted away, waving goodbye. Her gait had a slight bounce in it but it faded away. Her muffin was gone. That delicious muffin had been reduced to nothing but crumbs.
Derpy’s mind wandered as she reached the train station. Mechanically, she handed the money to the operator. She took the ticket and waited in gloomy silence for the train. With a whoosh that Derpy normally would’ve enjoyed, the train pulled up. The Pegasus practically stumbled onto the train and found a seat that wasn’t occupied. Since almost nopony took this train, she had lots of options. The corner seemed perfect. A few other ponies had boarded as well. They glanced at her with indifferent expressions. It was just some pony sitting in a corner.
The train car rattled and shook all the way to Ponyville. It was too dark outside for Derpy to gaze outside. Instead, she just stared at her reflection and looked down at the floor. Her heart was heavy. A connection had been broken. No longer was she Derpy-oh-seven. She was Derpy now. Derpy the Pegasus without a muffin to comfort her.
“You gotta be tough, Derpy,” she confided to herself. “No tears.”
She sniffed and hugged her saddlebags.
The train ride passed by without a hitch. Derpy got off and began her journey home. This time, she knew where to go. The train station was behind her and that meant she was heading the right direction. The sound of her hooves was the solitary sound that polluted the otherwise silent night. Her head hung low and she moved with a shuffle. Soon, her house was in sight. Derpy opened the door and headed straight to her bedroom. She ripped off the covers and flung herself into bed. As she bounced up, the covers came down on top of her.
Her stomach growled at her and she rolled over.
“Hush now,” she chided her stomach. “I’ll get a muffin tomorrow.”
Darkness overcame her as she fell asleep.
***
The sound of her door knocking caused Derpy to come awake. She looked around woozily. This wasn’t her bed. Derpy groaned as she realized she had walked all the way to her kitchen in her sleep. Thank goodness she hadn’t tried to cook. Nothing she cooked ever came out right – with the exception of her own muffins.
Rubbing her eyes free of sleep, she opened the door.
“Hiya Derpy!” exclaimed Pinkie. “I’ve got a surprise for you!”
Derpy’s eyes widened and she backed up. “C’mon in, Pinkie.”
Pinkie’s smile grew even larger – yes, that is possible – and she bounced right in, doing a cartwheel just because she felt like it. With a flourish, she pulled off her saddlebags and opened one. Streamers, confetti, and balloons popped out. A slide whistle could be heard. Pinkie laughed and grabbed a balloon. She handed it to Derpy.
“Oopsie. Wrong side.”
Pinkie took a deep breath and with an even greater flourish, she displayed a box. With a single leap, she flew over to Derpy’s table. The Pegasus followed, filled with joy that she was getting a present.
“I give you, my dear Derpy, the most delectable of treats. Can you imagine the taste of these…?” cried Pinkie as she revealed what was inside the box.
Derpy’s eyes lit up with elation. Inside were two muffins. In fact, they were the exact same muffins that she had promised Derpy yesterday when Derpy had failed to receive the muffin. Derpy giggled and fell over laughing. Her hooves kicked the air as she struggled to contain her mirth. Last night was all for nothing. If only she had waited instead and not gone on her misadventure, she could have got the muffin without any hassle.
Pinkie laughed too, but she soon stopped and asked what was so funny. Who knew, maybe it was a brilliant joke! Derpy got up and asked that Pinkie take a seat down. As Pinkie did so, Derpy got two plates and set them down at the table. She offered a chair to Pinkie who took it and settled down. Derpy took the seat opposite and began to telling her story as best as she could remember it, even her role as Derpy-oh-seven. Pinkie laughed throughout the entire thing. Derpy ended the story by going upstairs and getting Pinkie’s spy equipment. The pink pony took her stuff and set it down.
“Now we can both have a muffin! Congratulations Derpy-oh-seven, mission successful!” said Pinkie, holding up the muffin as if a glass for a toast.
Derpy mimicked the move and immediately gobbled down the muffin. Bits and pieces flew everywhere in a spray of muffin. She rubbed her tummy with satisfaction...... it was just as good as she imagined it would be.
***
The End
