Story Time With Uncle Unum
Epluribus Unum sat in his house just counting the cracks in the plaster, one day after retiring from the army and he already felt like killing himself. He had never noticed how boring his hometown was. Deciding that a day of nothing would only serve to drive him insane so he slowly got up from the bed and stretched, his bones cracked a bit and he coughed a bit of phlegm up out of his throat. He actually felt old, unlike how he used to when he would wake up early and get to work out with his squad. He muttered obsanities to himself as he made his way to the door. With a grunt he opened it and walked out into the bright sunlight, he heard voices and looked around to see three fillies sitting on his lawn laughing.
"Uh oh Crusaders! ITS OLD MAN UNUM!" One shouted before desperately flapping her wings to get away but with no result, Unum just smiled and continued walking down the path to the main road. A massive Equestrian flag hung on a tall pole that jutted up from the green grass. He gave it a small salute and opened the gate to his yard. "He doesn't seem that bad." the filly said, Unum just kept walking and went into town.
"Little Fillies, nice to see them playing outside." Unum said to himself, the town hadn't really changed. He decided he had time to stop by the library and grab a book, he had a long time to read one. As he approached the door he heard the sound of pages flipping quickly. He raised his hoof to knock but before he could the door opened, a lavender unicorn stood before him smiling.
"May I help you?" she said to the old pony, Unum smiled.
"Yes is Mr. Bookworm here? I've been meaning to catch up with him." Unum said, the unicorns smile faded a bit.
"Oh I'm sorry Mr...." The unicorn began
"Epluribus Unum miss" Unum said
"Mr. Unum I'm sorry to say this but Mr. Bookworm moved to Appleoosa several months ago." The lavender unicorn continued, seeing Unums face drop a bit she sighed "But I can help you." Unum felt his blood begin to boil, before he knew it his mouth opened.
"First the army kicks me out and now I have no friends, Celestia why do you hate me so much!" He said before turning away "Thanks for your time."
"You know the Princess?" the unicorn said, Unum turned with a look of intrigue.
"No its an expression, why? Do you?" Unum said not expecting a response, to his surprise the Unicorn nodded. "Bullshit."
"No really! I'm her pupil!" The unicorn said with a smile and a Squee. Unum looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Wait you're THE twilight sparkle? as in Element of Magic Twilight Sparkle!?" Unum said in disbelief. The still Squeeing unicorn nodded. "Seems Legit. Well miss Sparkle I'm looking for a book on the battle of Canterlot but I'm sure as the Princesses Pupil you were there."
"Oh I was! That awful Chrysalis was controlling my Brother Shining Armour!" Twilight said, Unum looked at her. "Yes captain of the guard Shining Armour." She said with a huff. Unum's CO had been the groom of Princess Cadence? "lucky Bastard" he thought.
"Well could you tell me the strategies the Changelings used? Or how they balanced their air power and infantry?" Unum said with renewed Excitement. To his dismay Twilight looked at him as if he was a changeling himself. She shook her head, Unum smiled "It's okay I just wanted somepony to talk to. I'll go see if anyone wants to hear my story." Unum just turned away but he felt a hoove on his shoulder.
"Stories you say?" Twilight asked, Unum nodded. From under his hat he pulled a cigar and tossed it into his mouth before lighting the end.
"Tons of 'em, Want to hear about the time I took down a Mantacor single hoofed?" Unum said, he found his new purpose, to tell stories. Twilight Nodded extatically before sitting on her haunches and taking out a scroll and quill.
"Well when I was a colt....." Unum began, after about an hour of story telling he reached the end "And so I kicked him in the face a third time knocking the filly free of his maw and sending him to the ground with an Immense THUD!" By this time Twilights friends were huddles around the Old War Horse staring with interest. The Cyan one stood up and started mimicking the technique Unum had used to take down the mantacor.
"Hiyaa! Hoo! HAAA!" she said, Unum chuckled a bit as he put his Cigar down in an ashtray that Twilight had Conjured.
"Give me a minute to think of another juicy story for ya." Unum said with a grin, Twilight nodded and went upstairs with spike.
"Spike take a letter." She said, Spike nodded "dear princess Celestia, Today I learned that sometimes the best Friends can come in all shapes sizes and ages. I met an old 'War Horse' as he refers to himself and he told me a cool story of his time in the military. I think we will be good friends, his name is Epluribus Unum but the others have come to call him Uncle Unum. I feel bad for him seeing as Mr. Bookworm was his friend before moving but I fell good knowing he can talk to me. Will keep you informed Signed your favorite Pupil Twilight Sparkle." With that the Dragon blew a stream of fire on the scrolled letter and sent it to the princess. Twilight trotted down the stairs to sit in the semicircle around Unum.
"Ok this is a story about my time in Manhattan, this was when I was fresh out of hoof camp....." Unum began, after hours of laughter and yelling in delight Unum was just about finished "And when I woke up the next morning I felt as sick as a dog! I looked over to see Mrs. Candycorn in my bunk! MY DRILL INSTRUCTOR!" Unum said falling over with laughter, the others were in histarics. "Anyway thats how I lost my molar." He had learned their names and he was glad they were liking his stories, outside he heard a commotion and with a burst of light the door opened revealing the Sun Princess Celestia. Unum Bowed before putting his cigar in the ashtray, the other ponies bowed and then ran over to hug the princess. She looked very happy, thats when it hit him.
"Epluribus? My my you look better than I thought." Celestia said after the others had loosened their grip.
"M-M-M-M-Mrs. C-C-Candycorn Is the princess?" Unum said in disbelief, he knew that tone of voice anywhere. He swayed back and forth for a moment before finally shaking it off. "oh, BUCK MY LIFE!" he exclaimed, the other ponies turned a bright shade of red. Celestia realised why.
"You told them about..." Celestia began, Unum nodded sheepishly "And about.." Again he nodded. Celestia Facehoofed "Well there's nothing to be ashamed of in that story, as I remember you were a very charming stallion."
"Okay yeah but why were you my drill instructor? Shouldn't you have been like running the nation or something?" Unum said now puzzled
"Every thousand years or so I change my body a bit so I can live a normal life while the nation is run by a council, if anything big happens I come back but normally I live out the years uninterrupted. Remember that Pegasus uprising we had?" Celestia explained, Unum nodded as if he understood though he didn't his old mind wasn't ready for complex images in his head.
"Sooo what can I do for you your highness?" Unum said with a look of confusion, Celestia Smiled at the old horse and gave him a big hug.
"Tell me a story....."
