The Life and Times of an Unsuccessful Hermit

Oh, wow you guys are actually back, I didn't think anybody would want to read anymore. I guess everyone has their weird quirks and I guess I would be out of a job otherwise. So, anyways, where was I? Oh right.. Ahem.

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Lights. Bright lights. Nauseatingly bright lights. At least that was the first external stimuli our dear Mr. Hermit experienced. The next being sound. A beeping sound to be precise, rhythmic and steady, it oddly soothed him. And finally, the last sense being pain. Searing pain. A sort of pain that came from his left eye. How he got it he didn't quite know, although he vaguely recalled a multi-colored blur shortly before sudden darkness. He once again closed his eyes and considered his situation. He was probably abducted and to be held for ransom under the threat of death, the situation looked grim indeed. On the plus side he was alo-

"Rise and shine deary. My, my, that's quite a shiner you got there."

Our stalwar hero's eyes shot open, ready to meet his mystery kidnapper. What he found was a freckled, middle aged woman wearing a set of dubious nursing scrubs and cap. Clearly this was a cleaver ploy meant to lull our hero into a sense of false security. He was ready though, he just had...to...wait...for...her...to...get -SNEAK ATTACK!

While I would like to say our hero was successful in his daring escape to freedom, it was foiled by nefarious cables that caught him as he went for the opening strike resulting in a quite comedic picture of a man entangled in IV tubes and electrical cables, all the while flailing around and screaming, "I surrender, I surrender, do with me as you will! I submit to you my cruel masters!"

"Calm down, nobody's gonna hurt you." If this actually helped our poor hermit, it didn't show for what followed was akin to a pig resisting the tight chains as it was being led to slaughter. Fortunately for the poor nurse and the neighboring patients, a pair of friendly orderlies assisted Mr. Hermit into a nice padded room. Now, Mr. Hermit liked to believe he wasn't crazy but after 5 years on his own on top of his already deplorable social skills made any attempts at social interactions seem awkward and ,to some others, insane.

During his quiet time by himself, he had a lot to think about. Like how stupid he was to let his guard down. Or what the exact force was needed to cause subsurface bleeding in a human eye. He also pondered the origins of canvas and rubberized paint and the falacity of a criminal organization owning a room that looked very much like a hospital to make prospective hosteges feel at ease.He had quite awhile to ponder these mysteries of the universe until a voice on what he could assume to be the cell's intercome came to life.

"Hello sir, I hope somebody has had enough time to calm down enough to answer some questions."

*Nod*

"Okay then can we start with a name..."

"Hermit."

"Um...okay Mr. Hermit, I'm Doctor Pokey Needles, and you are in the Ponyville General Hospital. I've come to an understanding that you gave Nurse Tender Heart quite a spook, but during your observation period you don't seem to show any open signs of mental insanity."

"Uhh... Thanks?"

"You're quite welcome, now from eye witness accounts you seem to have been involved in a vehicular accident, am I correct?"

"That sounds about right..."

"Good, good. Now looking through your files... well, actually, we don't have one. In fact prior to today I had no idea that anybody, save for a single other, lived that close to the Everfree. In fact other than a few rumors around my daughter's playground nobody knew there was even a home there. Sure there's a building permit request tucked under some of the mayor's papers, but other than that, there is isn't really anything that acknowledges its existence."

An air of pride and self-importance permiated from our Mr. Hermit. In fact that smug grin rivaled even that of the vainist of Canterlot's social elite.

"While I'd love to write you off with a clean bill of health and send you on your way, the local authorities have charged you of multiple offences."

"WHAT!"

"Oh course, you didn't really think your actions would go unpunished did you?"

*mumble*

" Child endangerment, psychological trauma, as well as bulldozing a good quarter mile of a Royal Nature Preserve."

"The hell hole's protected!"

The doctor gave Hermit a look of confusion, "Of course, that forest is home to many indigenous plants and animals, including the recent discovery of what experts are calling a Chimera!" If you guys can only see the look on Hermit's face right now, imagine a twisted rope around a tangled jellyfish, and it's about twice as bad.

"Fortunately the Chief of Police was in a good mood; he decided to lessen the charges and the penalties included."

Hermit was, of course relieved by this news, at least he wouldn't mind spending a few nights in a lonely, secluded jail cell-

"Luckily for you it's just simple community service!"

...

...

...

"I'm sorry what?"

"Community service, my good boy, and for what you did!"

A look of disbelief followed by what could be described as lunacy came about our hero's eyes. "Ha...ha...Heheheheheehe-HAHAHAHAHAHA"

From the one way screen the doctor observed the man descend into a fit of hysteria. He started to doubt if the hermit was really all that sane. Our Hermit soon felt the cold sting of water envelope him, followed by those same two men coming in and giving him enough sedatives to put a horse out.

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It took several hours of intense screening and psychiatric counseling to finally convince the good doctor to let Mr. Hermit leave. Hermit indeed did pass, but only just barely. If only he picked the red duck, this story could have ended much more quicker. Anyways, Hermit was given the directions to a local parol office where he would be given his first assignment as well as a young ,blue-haired escort. Of course he could have made a run for it, try to make a living on the road, but Hermit wasn't the most athletic of specimens. He seriously doubted he could out run even his she-jailor.

While he was in fact a master in not being noticed, it was hard NOT being seen in a bright orange jumpsuit, shackles and with an armed guard by your side. What people saw was an average height male probably in his early 20's, unkempt black hair, eyes glued to the floor, all on a skinny frame with horrid posture, hoping so badly that Luna would strike him dead on the spot. to his dismay he wasn't granted this simple request. The few glances he took of his surroundings screamed a single word: COLORFUL. It hurt just to look, it was sickeningly bright, and same goes for the people. Bright pastel colored hair roamed the street, he wished nothing more than to crawl back into his shack shut the blinds and make all the bad people go away.

The (short) young woman tried to stoke up some small talk: the "what are you in fors," the "how 'bout the weather-s", so on and so forths. The Hermit would have none of it. "Look, Miss..."

"Raindrops."

"...Raindrips, I don't want to be here and I can tell you can't either, so how about we cut the chatter and the sooner we get done this over with, the happier we'll both be. Kapeesh?"

The woman wore a slight frown, but chose not to say anything, instead opting to also stare at her feet.

When they arrived at the parol offices Hermit's mood wasn't much lifted. Even the one building that was suppose to give a sense of authority and lost hope was a bright blue, with a golden thatched roof. He was directed to a set of rustic wooden doors which he hesitantly entered.

Celestia must have heard his pleas! Sweet drab grays and browns, and shut blinds to boot. If it weren't for his impending temporary enslavement he might have been relieved. He was greeted by a delightfully monotone receptionist and entered an even drabber room that he would assume held his parol officer. No playful banter, or introductions were needed. All business. Just the way he liked it.

He was directed outside again(work form in tow), but was surprised to see his annoying young escort accompany him.

"Chief said to keep an eye on you, and keep you in check in case you get too rowdy." This time around it was Raindrops who wore that smug expression. Mr. Hermit was clearly unhappy in the recently aquired recent news.

"But...but..."

*tsk* *tsk* "That is no way to talk to your supervisor, and if you want a clean report from me I expect a little bit of respect." [insert smug expression here]

Hermit was speech less, even more so than usual. He was certain that this little escapade would not go easily for him.

Author's Note

Hey, look, an update thing. Once again can ask somebody to spot me some contructive critism, I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change. I don't have ANY formal writing education( highshool sophomore and all) but I'm willing to learn. Also tell me what you guys think of my formatting.