The Life and Times of an Unsuccessful Hermit

by barkmeat2

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Raindrops, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 3763

[Humanized] What does it take for a man to get some peace and quiet? Gimmicks? Tricks? A collection assorted gizmos? Who knows... Well actually as the narrator i certainly hope I do.

[Humanized] Throughout humanity's history social bonds and connections were vital not only for survival, but also for ones lasting sanity. For others that isn't necessarily true and, finding a safe, relaxing, quiet, and secluded corner of the world is optimal.

Published 2013-03-16 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-20 03:06:42 UTC

Prologue

The Life and Times of an Unsuccessful Hermit

Ponyville is a wonderful town full of bright smiling faces; a town so friendly that rumor has it newcomers receive a welcoming party upon arrival. While the prospect of making new friends as soon as one sets foot in a new town sounds sublime, others like our main hero and protagonist just don't see it.

He came from parts unknown, with nary but a bag of personal belongings and the cloths on his back, went inside the town hall, came out with a building permit, and proceeded to the outskirts just outside of the Everfree.

Now you might be saying, "Well Mr. Narrator that doesn't sound too strange..."

To that I respond, " Shut up, sit down and let me finish."

Anyways, what was unusual, save for the mayor (who was too busy dying her hair during the entire permit giving process to actually...well... care), nobody actually saw him. Not even the resident Pink Party Person took much notice (although she claims to this day to have felt quite a doozy.) Some would blame fate, others a vengeful god ,but in reality it was years in mastering the art of "Make-nobody-give-a-fadoodle-you're-there." You see Sir...uh...Hermit has been doing this for years in the effort of finding that one town that was small and quiet , but not so much that he has to start trapping his own food.

To this day no one gives heed to the hooded man in brown grabs that comes to market, buys what's needed and promptly hightailes it back to his home before anyone asks who bought the last piece of celery. It was going smoothly until 3 rambunctious girls came a-snooping on his little slice of paradise.

Rumors had surfaced of a haunted house that spawned on the edge of the Everfree seemingly over night, and all around the local elementary school's playground dares and bets were formed. 5 bits they couldn't get past the gate, 10 they couldn't ring the bell, 20 they couldn't enter the home etc, etc. The prospect of a evil, possessed usually deterred most kids from getting within spitting distance of the property boundary, but 3 small young girls believed adventuring a 1-story, 1 bed and bathroom shack was their lifetime career.

But he was prepared; armed with the capable know-how on keeping pests from intruding he got right to work. When the 3 entered the "abandoned" house's garden they were met with angry shouting (mechanical) lawn gnomes. Promptly encouraging the girls to leave the home alone, the hermit was proud of his home's personal defense system. He didn't have the fancy magic some of them Magyk folks had, or even the wings to set up airborne contraptions like those Valkyries had. What he did have was intense mechanical know-how that came from years of professional Hermiting.

Well actually it was his work in Air Yachts United, well I say work ,what i really mean is inventing the Airship and creating a multi-billion company before he was old enough to vote.(Warning meaning could be misinterpreted depending on resident country, but in Equestria it's 18.) But I digress...

The point being he was really good at this shit, had enough money to fund his reclusive life style, and the social inaptitude to avoid running a company. So please take what is given to you and stop whining about how stupid and lazy his characterization is. Narrating in hard.

What? Think you could do better? Well by all means to right ahead...

That's what I thought. Now where was I. Oh right.

He thought he would be free of these girls, but to his surprise they came back the very same day shouting, "Cutesy Mark Erasers Gnome Catchers" or something absurd as that. Well he couldn't very well let them discover the ploy and spread around the tale of a mechanical tinkerer living near the woods, so he released the hounds. Hounds being A hound, and not really a canine looking thing but more like a lion with wings, ohh and a scorpion tail. Very life-like, took him a while to make too. He liked to call it a Flying Catpion, scary-looking feller, fortunately for the girls it would shut down as soon as they left the property and couldn't properly fly. Actually he lost it last Tuesday, faulty coding and what-not, probably harmless anyways.

Thinking he was finally rid of those three, he found no need to worry. Unfortunately just a week later the same three miscreants came back. This time with a queer (old-english definition) looking...~~boy~~...woman with, I kid-you-not, rainbow hair.
______________________________________LineBreak_________________________________

"Come on Rainbow Dash, it's right over here." A more than optimistic purples haired 12 year old pleaded to her long time idol.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. You know, when you guys said you'd show me something really quick, I'd assume it'd be just around the block."

"Ah' know it's a bit far but you gotta see' it."

"Yeah, last week Scootaloo, Applebloom, and I saw real talking gnomes out here."

"Well by talking, we mean yelling. Curses. And throwing rocks at us..."

"Uh huh...and what exactly were you guys doing out here?"

"20 bits."

"Huh?"

"Sips and Snails bet us 20 bits we couldn't make it to the front door."

"So you guys came here, got chased away by gnomes and lost 20 bits."

"And we also got chased by Chimera! But we out ran it, probably scared it too 'cause it stopped chasing us mid way."

"A chimera! Whoa... Uh I mean... What were you girls thinking!?"

"But Rainbow-"

"You didn't tell Rarity did you?"

"No..."

"Applejack?"

"Ah' don't think so..."

"Your parents?"

"No way my mom would kill me!"

A smirk appeared on Rainbow's face," But you told me."

Eyes wide the three unisoned, "Please don't tell them!"

When I say a child's pleading gaze could give one the diabeetus, 3 could be considered weoponized biological warfare. The prismatic haired woman never stood a chance.

"Okay, okay, but you guys can't be here, it could come back, and the thought of your sisters and your mom Scoots finding out I put you three in danger scares me..."

"Awwww come on... Pleeeeeaaaase, we'll be real quiet."

Again those eyes.

...
...
...

"Okay fine, but the first sign of trouble you guys need to get out of here."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Our main protagonist had an extensive view of the property thanks to his collection of live security cameras placed in some of the most precarious locations. And as you can imagine our main protagonist had come to quite a predicament. Kids were easy enough to scare, he usually let their imagination do most of the work for him. With a grown woman added to the equation he'd have to step up his game. Simple smoke and mirrors just wouldn't do it this time and with his Flying Catpion MIA he'd have to deal with this matter personally.

A trio of heads stuck out of a bush as a a colorfully haired woman crept closer to the front door. "Do you see anything?" Uttered the most squekiest sounding voice of the group.

"Nothing yet... whatever was here is long gone..."

Of course this did very little to ease the minds of the young girls; their imaginations working on overdrive trying to hypothesize and theorize any possible scenarios they would find inside. What dark secrets did this lone shack near the Everfree hold? A brooding chimera? An alien base? A psychopath's head collection? Maybe even a psychotic chimera being tested on by aliens?

As the quartet neared the door they heard the most peculiar sound.

Shazzoooomm

It was kinda like a train engine and the sound of a pregnant dragon having a screaming contest. Well it may seem funny to you now, to the party present, it was utterly terrifying. As mound of earth rose from the center of the garden a great metal contraption disguised as a small dragon lumbered out. Steam and smoke bellowed from the great machine as a gout of flame erupted from its mouth.

"RUN FOR IT!" The quartet quickly unrooted from their transfixed state and made a mad dash back to the village. They made great time, and probably broke a few land speed records until, unfortunately the squeaker tripped over a tree root. I mean come on, a root, amidst a whole field of flat ground. I mean I know you're scared shitless, but at least watch where your feet fall.

Any ways the prismatic haired one took quick notice and doubled back to the young girls aid. Seeing the worried looks on the other two she yelled, "Keep running, We'll catch up."

While they were genuinely worried of their friends, the fear of death coupled with a hero's permission allowed them to continue their escape.

"Come on Sweetie Belle your sister would kill me if we die here. Come on get up."

Easier said than done, the girl was still very much in shock. She heard Rainbow's pleas and prodding but everyone knows those afflicted with Dragon Fear can't rightly process much external information. And as athletic Rainbow was she couldn't very readily go from zero to rainboom with a passenger. She wasn't stupid, she knew well enough that trying to outrun a dragon while burdened would be an exercise in futility. The best she could do was buy enough time for Sweetie Belle to snap out of it and make a run for Ponyville(and hopefully get help.)

The beast was getting closer and everyone should know nothing could stop it. Well everyone but Rainbow Dash, she was determined to protect one of her best friend's sister. She zipped around the dragons head trying to get its attention away from the girl. Weaving in and out of sight and dodging gouts of flame coupled with a swift kick to the dragons jaw, she finally got it. It was rushing towards her, it's cold black eyes unwavering. Seeing it for the best to lose it before she became too tired she flew into the Everfree with the Psuedodragon in hot pursuit.

_________________________________________________________

Mr. Hermit believed his plan to be going swimmingly, sure it hit a bump in the road when one of the girls slipped but fortunately the rainbow haired one was brave enough to offer herself as a distraction. ~~Guiding~~ Running the machine through the forest he would put up a good enough show for the Rainbow feller to get her and the others off his back for a lifetime... At least in theory. The thing about the Everfree is that it was unpredictable. At first is was just rows of soft trees to go through, in fact he seat it o autopilot for a while and he took a short nap, setting it to go to "oh-gee-I-lost-the-target" mode in 5 minutes and he would be home free. Well in that short time frame his mechanical dragon got real friendly with a cliff wall.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ow, my head. Is my arm suppose to bend like that...

"Is...is it dead."

Oh great they're back.

"Ah' think so..."

"Hold up! I told you 2 to run back to Ponyville."

"We...we didn't want to leave our friends in danger."

Kill me now

"So we pick'd up Sweetie Belle, she told us were you ran of' to and we just follow'd a trail that trail of broken trees here."

Maybe if I stay real quiet they'll leave and I can make my way to the next town before..."

*Klunk**klunk*

"Whoa it's made of metal, here fell it Rainbow. It's all cold and hard."

Hehehe... Wait... Shit.

"Yeah, that's weird. Who's ever heard of a metal dragon..."

"Ah' don' think its s'dragon at all. Too small and I've read dragon could break diamonds with their heads, let alone a cliff."

Bah, what do they know

"So it was a fake..."

Gee, you think. Well maybe they'll leave me alone no-

"Look one of the plates came loose!"

Shit

"I think I can fit inside!"

Double shit.

"Hold up Scoots, we don't know what could be in there..."

Listen to the nice lady little one.

"No it's fine, a little cramp but..."

Is she looking at me...
...
Shit, she is!

"Uh hi..." Please don't scream, please don't scream.

SSsssscccccccrrreeeeeaaaaaacccchhhhhh

"Hold up Scoots I'm coming!"

Eeeeeerrrrrrrrr *RIP*

Did...did she just rip the cockpit's face plate off...

"What the-"

Again with this, "Uh... Hi."

I'm so dead.

Author's Note

My very first story, yes it's humanized but I love humanized stories and I don't there's enough. If you don't like it copy and paste story to MS word and replace: somebody, someone, girl, man, woman, boy, hand etc. with there respectable pony counterpart and post it on your own profile. Or you know you can stop bitching and carry on with your life and give useful criticism. Also let me now your opinion on the perspective changes, I'd really like to know.

Chapter 1

The Life and Times of an Unsuccessful Hermit

Oh, wow you guys are actually back, I didn't think anybody would want to read anymore. I guess everyone has their weird quirks and I guess I would be out of a job otherwise. So, anyways, where was I? Oh right.. Ahem.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lights. Bright lights. Nauseatingly bright lights. At least that was the first external stimuli our dear Mr. Hermit experienced. The next being sound. A beeping sound to be precise, rhythmic and steady, it oddly soothed him. And finally, the last sense being pain. Searing pain. A sort of pain that came from his left eye. How he got it he didn't quite know, although he vaguely recalled a multi-colored blur shortly before sudden darkness. He once again closed his eyes and considered his situation. He was probably abducted and to be held for ransom under the threat of death, the situation looked grim indeed. On the plus side he was alo-

"Rise and shine deary. My, my, that's quite a shiner you got there."

Our stalwar hero's eyes shot open, ready to meet his mystery kidnapper. What he found was a freckled, middle aged woman wearing a set of dubious nursing scrubs and cap. Clearly this was a cleaver ploy meant to lull our hero into a sense of false security. He was ready though, he just had...to...wait...for...her...to...get -SNEAK ATTACK!

While I would like to say our hero was successful in his daring escape to freedom, it was foiled by nefarious cables that caught him as he went for the opening strike resulting in a quite comedic picture of a man entangled in IV tubes and electrical cables, all the while flailing around and screaming, "I surrender, I surrender, do with me as you will! I submit to you my cruel masters!"

"Calm down, nobody's gonna hurt you." If this actually helped our poor hermit, it didn't show for what followed was akin to a pig resisting the tight chains as it was being led to slaughter. Fortunately for the poor nurse and the neighboring patients, a pair of friendly orderlies assisted Mr. Hermit into a nice padded room. Now, Mr. Hermit liked to believe he wasn't crazy but after 5 years on his own on top of his already deplorable social skills made any attempts at social interactions seem awkward and ,to some others, insane.

During his quiet time by himself, he had a lot to think about. Like how stupid he was to let his guard down. Or what the exact force was needed to cause subsurface bleeding in a human eye. He also pondered the origins of canvas and rubberized paint and the falacity of a criminal organization owning a room that looked very much like a hospital to make prospective hosteges feel at ease.He had quite awhile to ponder these mysteries of the universe until a voice on what he could assume to be the cell's intercome came to life.

"Hello sir, I hope somebody has had enough time to calm down enough to answer some questions."

*Nod*

"Okay then can we start with a name..."

"Hermit."

"Um...okay Mr. Hermit, I'm Doctor Pokey Needles, and you are in the Ponyville General Hospital. I've come to an understanding that you gave Nurse Tender Heart quite a spook, but during your observation period you don't seem to show any open signs of mental insanity."

"Uhh... Thanks?"

"You're quite welcome, now from eye witness accounts you seem to have been involved in a vehicular accident, am I correct?"

"That sounds about right..."

"Good, good. Now looking through your files... well, actually, we don't have one. In fact prior to today I had no idea that anybody, save for a single other, lived that close to the Everfree. In fact other than a few rumors around my daughter's playground nobody knew there was even a home there. Sure there's a building permit request tucked under some of the mayor's papers, but other than that, there is isn't really anything that acknowledges its existence."

An air of pride and self-importance permiated from our Mr. Hermit. In fact that smug grin rivaled even that of the vainist of Canterlot's social elite.

"While I'd love to write you off with a clean bill of health and send you on your way, the local authorities have charged you of multiple offences."

"WHAT!"

"Oh course, you didn't really think your actions would go unpunished did you?"

*mumble*

" Child endangerment, psychological trauma, as well as bulldozing a good quarter mile of a Royal Nature Preserve."

"The hell hole's protected!"

The doctor gave Hermit a look of confusion, "Of course, that forest is home to many indigenous plants and animals, including the recent discovery of what experts are calling a Chimera!" If you guys can only see the look on Hermit's face right now, imagine a twisted rope around a tangled jellyfish, and it's about twice as bad.

"Fortunately the Chief of Police was in a good mood; he decided to lessen the charges and the penalties included."

Hermit was, of course relieved by this news, at least he wouldn't mind spending a few nights in a lonely, secluded jail cell-

"Luckily for you it's just simple community service!"

...

...

...

"I'm sorry what?"

"Community service, my good boy, and for what you did!"

A look of disbelief followed by what could be described as lunacy came about our hero's eyes. "Ha...ha...Heheheheheehe-HAHAHAHAHAHA"

From the one way screen the doctor observed the man descend into a fit of hysteria. He started to doubt if the hermit was really all that sane. Our Hermit soon felt the cold sting of water envelope him, followed by those same two men coming in and giving him enough sedatives to put a horse out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

It took several hours of intense screening and psychiatric counseling to finally convince the good doctor to let Mr. Hermit leave. Hermit indeed did pass, but only just barely. If only he picked the red duck, this story could have ended much more quicker. Anyways, Hermit was given the directions to a local parol office where he would be given his first assignment as well as a young ,blue-haired escort. Of course he could have made a run for it, try to make a living on the road, but Hermit wasn't the most athletic of specimens. He seriously doubted he could out run even his she-jailor.

While he was in fact a master in not being noticed, it was hard NOT being seen in a bright orange jumpsuit, shackles and with an armed guard by your side. What people saw was an average height male probably in his early 20's, unkempt black hair, eyes glued to the floor, all on a skinny frame with horrid posture, hoping so badly that Luna would strike him dead on the spot. to his dismay he wasn't granted this simple request. The few glances he took of his surroundings screamed a single word: COLORFUL. It hurt just to look, it was sickeningly bright, and same goes for the people. Bright pastel colored hair roamed the street, he wished nothing more than to crawl back into his shack shut the blinds and make all the bad people go away.

The (short) young woman tried to stoke up some small talk: the "what are you in fors," the "how 'bout the weather-s", so on and so forths. The Hermit would have none of it. "Look, Miss..."

"Raindrops."

"...Raindrips, I don't want to be here and I can tell you can't either, so how about we cut the chatter and the sooner we get done this over with, the happier we'll both be. Kapeesh?"

The woman wore a slight frown, but chose not to say anything, instead opting to also stare at her feet.

When they arrived at the parol offices Hermit's mood wasn't much lifted. Even the one building that was suppose to give a sense of authority and lost hope was a bright blue, with a golden thatched roof. He was directed to a set of rustic wooden doors which he hesitantly entered.

Celestia must have heard his pleas! Sweet drab grays and browns, and shut blinds to boot. If it weren't for his impending temporary enslavement he might have been relieved. He was greeted by a delightfully monotone receptionist and entered an even drabber room that he would assume held his parol officer. No playful banter, or introductions were needed. All business. Just the way he liked it.

He was directed outside again(work form in tow), but was surprised to see his annoying young escort accompany him.

"Chief said to keep an eye on you, and keep you in check in case you get too rowdy." This time around it was Raindrops who wore that smug expression. Mr. Hermit was clearly unhappy in the recently aquired recent news.

"But...but..."

*tsk* *tsk* "That is no way to talk to your supervisor, and if you want a clean report from me I expect a little bit of respect." [insert smug expression here]

Hermit was speech less, even more so than usual. He was certain that this little escapade would not go easily for him.

Author's Note

Hey, look, an update thing. Once again can ask somebody to spot me some contructive critism, I'd like to know what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change. I don't have ANY formal writing education( highshool sophomore and all) but I'm willing to learn. Also tell me what you guys think of my formatting.