The Delivery

by Shidotoku

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Pinkie Pie, Random, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 3201

What happens when a serial killer has to deliver a pizza to a goddess living in the next town? Trouble.

On the evening of Heart's Warming Eve, during an especially boring Night Court, Princess Luna is bored to tears. In her desperation, she decides to order a pizza for her bodyguards and herself, for the sake of team building and entertainment.
...what she doesn't know is that she ordered the delicacy from a wanted serial killer, who is more than happy to destroy and kill anything that gets in her way.
Somehow, a faint, but really dark kind of hilarity still ensues.

Published 2013-03-17 01:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-17 01:00:02 UTC

The Order

To say that Princess Luna was bored to death would be an understatement. She was laying smugly stretched out on her throne, her limbs were almost streaming apart like liquid. Stagnancy was taking hold on the massive throne room, there was only a few guards standing at the bottom of the dais the throne was on, and another pair at the large wooden door.

The ponies finally acknowledged the nighttime too, and they developed a nightlife while she was away, that wasn’t the problem. She even paid visits to the local clubs in Canterlot, making the most from the time of her rule, at the price of a horrible headache tomorrow noon.

She didn’t notice it at first, her sister lead her back into politics so gently. At first, it was just a “Lulu, could you stay at home for this night? Let your liver rest for a bit.” She valued the care and concern, so she spent that night at home. Then, she spent one day a week being a couch... Excuse me, throne potato. Then two. And this went on, until she only got to party on Saturdays.

She should have noticed the scheme in the background, and she could have rallied an anarchist revolution... It would have been a bit drastic, but the fall of all leadership would have meant loads of free time for her.

The Royal Night Court was one of her main duties, at least that’s what ‘Tia said. The mistress of the night had a strong suspicion that her sibling only wanted to share the beauties of bureaucracy with her. Oh, damned paperwork... Fortunately, she finished it two hours ago. Unfortunately, what followed the red-tape job was reception hours. She didn’t mind, she loved to have some company, and there was some interesting cases among the many little miffs of the subjects. The problem was that no one ever came to her.

Over a thousand years, the folk got used to turning to Celestia, if they needed royal intervention for a problem. And out of that same reason, going to the younger leader would have paid off. The Princess of the day had a waiting list loaded with millions of ponies, some of them had to wait months to get to see the princess. Meanwhile, Luna’s waiting list was... She didn’t even have a waiting list. Those who had to wait an eternity on her sister’s queue should have turned to her.

But that didn't happen, and Luna couldn't blame them. She had only returned recently, and even though she made some great friends at the local bars, the majority of Equestria still had to get used to her, and discover the possibilities she had to offer. And until this happened, all she could do was laying in her throne like a thrown-away coat, waiting, until some woeful equine stumbled upon her. It was torture at it's finest.

She yawned, then stood up and stretched her limbs.

"Let's get a ten-minute break," she mumbled to the scribe sitting behind a table not too far away from her. It was a pointless sentence, the old pony was laying on the furniture, loudly snoring, while his saliva was pouring down from the paper he rested his head on, and was gathering into a small puddle under him.

The alicorn rolled her eyes, then proceeded to leave through the opened doors. She walked through a corridor with red carpet and white stone walls to the balcony on the end. She opened the glass door with her hooves, and stepped outside on the small terrace.

The cold winter breeze instantly chilled through her coat, chewing at her bones, causing her to wince a bit, but she lit her horn and soon, the air around her warmed up to a bearable temperature. This caused a bit of steaming, it was truly a strange sight. With a few, slow steps she walked up to the stone railing, brushed off the snow from there and gazed down at the city.

Canterlot was paved with more artificial lights than usual for the night of Heart's Warming Eve, even though it already looked like it was set on fire on normal evenings. The princess frowned: the light pollution made her valued starts completely invisible. But it turned into a smile right away, as she looked at the streets: There were thousands of little technicolor equines strutting up and down on them, minding their own business, or just taking a nice walk.

There were many kinds of ponies out in the night: There was the lonely stranger, walking by himself, wrapped in tons of clothes, hiding all of his features. He looked pretty grim, but under the many scarves, there was a warm heart, and a solemn smile.

Then there was the cheerful group of friends, walking next to each other, almost completely occupying the whole width of the street. Their mouths were uncovered: They were joking and fooling around with each other, and were also laughing loudly at the others' antics. They enjoyed each other's company.

And also, there was the old, but still beautiful couple. They were slowly marching, the mare leaning into the stallion's warmth. It was a way to keep away from the cold, but also to show their everlasting affection. They rarely spoke a word, only when there was something to say, but it was a scarce occasion. They already told what had to be told to each other, and if there was something to apprise the other of, they could do it without words.

The stars couldn't be seen, but that didn't annoy the princess at all. Because the stars missing from the sky were now in the street lights, the candles, and in the many eyes, each of them shining with life. This was what she has been craving for so long...

She let out a bittersweet sigh, and leaned onto the bars fully. There are so many ponies out there, enjoying the evening, and she's stuck up here, waiting for one of them to have some problem. But none of them had any trouble. It was a perfect world. Everything was alright. And it was damn boring.

She will grow a beard if she has to spend another minute with such an eventless stagnating. She waited enough on the Moon. There was nothing there, but rocks and space. This planet was filled with chances for a lonely ruler to occupy herself with. Even if she was holding a court. But what should she do?

She musingly lifted a hoof to her chin. It would be fun to hold a tournament, or some other fighting to life-or-death, but 'Tia said that it's not accepted these days. What a shame. She has to find some modern activity. But what...?

She recalled everything she read about the topic. Oh, those books. How could she ever forget them? After she returned, and the reunion nuzzling-hugging was done with her sister, she locked her into a library, and gave her about a hundred books she had to read to catch up on the current age.

And the following months were spent with reading. Reading, reading, and even more reading. Sometimes, she saw lines in real life too, and that one time when she got letter shaped noodles in her soup, she flipped the table over and started weeping on the ground. It was a sight, even though the other nobles sitting there weren't pleased with their lunch being planted into their faces.

But the difficulties payed off in the end... Somewhat. Spending Nightmare Night in Ponyville proved that she still didn't fully catch up yet, but at least she wasn't hopeless. She could get the rest of the knowledge from experience.

Eureka!

She recounted her memories of that night, and she got an idea what she should do. As she has been sitting back into the chariot that got her back in Canterlot, the pink one gave her a leaflet. Where did she put that...

A short search begun, which ended when the paper fell out from behind her pendant. "Madame Pinkamena's Pizzeria" was written on it with large letters, and it was advertising some of the best inventions of this new age: those round shaped pies, topped with tomato sauce and some other delicacies. There was also a mare with a chef hat on it. She must have been Pinkamena: She was very similar to the Element of Laughter.

She instantly found the connection between what she read and the paper. In one of her studies, she found out that nowadays, bored youngsters who were stuck at home together, ordered these so called "Pizzas" and consumed them in each other's company, as a form of entertainment. Why couldn't she do that too? True, she wasn't exactly a youngster, and her home happened to be the most illustrious castle in Equestria, but looks never really mattered. The only thing stopping her was that she didn't really have anyone to eat the tomato pie with.

She didn't want to wake 'Tia up. Even though the demigod sisters didn't really need sleep - they got power from their respective celestial bodies - her sister was fond of this mortal way of regenerating. "Beauty sleep" she called it. Bless her.

She didn't want to disturb the staff either. The maids, chefs and cleaners were always nervous whenever she approached them, and a few uptight servants didn't equal the definition of a good party.

So the only ones left were the guards. She always wanted to get to know those handsome paladins, but they were always so silent and strict. A bit of food would maybe break the ice.

She headed back into the warmth of the corridor from the cold winter night, shutting the door behind her tight. She returned to the throne room with a remarkably merrier mood, and pranced up to one of the lavender armored stallions.

"Guard!" she called the sentinel -since she didn't know his name- by his profession. Seemingly this worked too, the unicorn tensed up into attention.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"What would you say if I ordered a pizza for you and your platoon?"

The guard didn't expect this question, his strict shoulders descended a bit, while his seriously pulled together eyebrows shot up on his forehead.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't perfectly hear you, could you..." he was stammering unsurely. The princess smiled. The stoic cold armor already started to look more like a pony.

"I'm inviting you and your platoon for a pizza. Bring me a phone!"

"At once, your majesty!" no matter how weird it was, an order was an order. The stallion soon returned with a mobile, and hovered it over to the alicorn. The mare grasped the device into her magical field, and started pushing the buttons on it with her horn.

It was a peaceful night, and very silent. The butter-yellow pegasus enjoyed the quiet. Right now, she was snoozing with her head laid on the counter. But her almost sinfully cute snoring was broken by that damned telephone. She opened her eyes and lifted the handset with her wing to her ear.

"Pinkamena's Pizzeria, can I help you?" she mumbled silently, still half-asleep. Then she woke up pretty quickly.

"HULLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME, PEASANT?!" the Royal Canterlot Voice exploded her eardrum into the other one, which then violently collided with the desk she was laying on. Her wings closed and she fell on her back screaming.

"Princess, don't use the Royal Canterlot Voice in the phone!" spoke a male voice from the background.

"But she is in Ponyville, how else could she hear me? ARE YOU STILL THERE?!" the second wave arrived just when the timid pegasus lifted the phone to her ear. She threw it away into the other side of the room, and put her hooves together.

"Our Celestia in Canterlot, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done..."

"No, this isn't how it... Ah, Princess, please hoof it over. I'll take care of it."

"But I wanted to invite you..."

"You can still pay for it. Please, give it to me."

A bit of silence occurred, while the mobile switched hooves. The pink maned mare crawled up to the phone.

"Hallo?" the masculine voice was much louder now, but not as shattering, as Luna's.

"Please don't kill me..."

"Hey! Hey, Dashie, wake up! Rise and shine!"

"What kind of shine you're talking about, Pinkie? We're still in your freaking cellar!"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot. You know, when I'm with you, time and space just ceases, and it's only the two of us... I love you so much, Dashie."

"Quit fooling around and LET ME GO, for Celestia's sake! Pinkie, this isn't funny anymore!"

"Dashie, where did you leave your legendary sense of humor? Oh wait, I know, somewhere around the fourth hour. But don't worry, Dashie, I still like you even when you're glum~”

"Pinkie!"

"Do you love me too, Dashie?"

"I can't, when you tie me up and keep me in your cellar, in an uncomfortable and suggestive position like this for twelve hours. LET. ME. GO.”

"Tsk-tsk, Dashie. That's not how you talk to the host. You're a bad pony! A really bad pony! You deserve punishment!”

"Pinkie, I'm serious! Everyone will be pissed off when they learn what you did to me!"

"Chill, Dashie. They won't know what happened to you..."

"What are you talking ab- What are you doing with that knife? Put that knife down, Pinkie, you’re scaring me! Put that down! What- OH SWEET LUNA'S BUTTCHEEKS, MY EYE! MY EYE, YOU CRAZY BUCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I can repeat it on the other one, Dashie. We will do this until you learn some manners."

"PINKIE, YOU INSANE ASSH- NO! STOP, PINKIE, STOP! GREAT CELESTIA, THE PAIN! THE PA-A-AIN!"

"What were you saying, Dashie? That you're sorry, and you're going to be a good filly from now on?"

"NO!"

"Whatever you want, Dashie. There's still some juice in Mr. Orange. Take this!'

Through the blood curdling screams, there was the small noise of the cellar door opening. The timid pegasus headed down the stairs, preparing for the worst. The sight that welcomed her was Rainbow Dash strapped to the wall, with Pinkie Pie before her, holding an orange in one of her hooves, and a knife in the other one. Tears and orange juice was streaming down the rainbow-maned's cheeks, while she was struggling against her restraints. The mare was comforted by the fact that no blood was spilled, but the fact that her friend was in pain still disturbed her. The pink pony saw that her victim was staring at someone, so she turned around.

"Hello, Fluttershy! What brings you here? Oh, wait, I know, your hooves! But what do you want to talk about?"

"Uhm... An order just arrived... If you don't mind..."

"Sweet! From whom? And what kind of pizza?"

"Princess Luna wanted some..." the timid mare tried to read her own writing from the small note she held, but it seems like her hooves were shaking too hard to write down the order properly. "...thing."

"Okay, I call my sister to take care of it. DIA'!"

The ominous iron door in the other end of the basement opened, and a mare entered the room. She looked just like Pinkie, only with a straight mane, and darker coat tone. She was holding the severed head of a blue stallion by his mane between his teeth, and blood was pouring out between and under her hooves, from the chamber behind her. The butter-yellow pegasus fainted.

"Evening, ponies." she greeted them through the hair of her victim.

"Fluttershy says that an order just arrived!" Pinkie Pie was still cheerful and upbeat, despite the horrible sight. Rainbow Dash didn't comment on the events, she was holding her eyes shut in scorching pain.

"Oh. What and for whom?"

"Princess Luna wants some kind of pizza!"

"She didn't specify what kind?"

"Nope."

The dark mare walked up to the unconscious pegasus. She gave out a troubled sigh.

"We should have done that job interview with her."

"What is her problem, Dia?'

"She couldn't handle the blood and this pal's decapitated head."

At this sentence, Rainbow Dash's eyes snapped wide open. Pinkamena threw the bloody body part to the other pink mare, who started examining it.

"Wow, Dashie, did you know that ponies are filled with salsa? Or at least this one. Do you think that we are filled with salsa too?" she excitedly chattered, showing the head to her friend. A few seconds elapsed, as she processed what she was seeing, but after it happened she screeched into the inanimate face with all her might.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, PINKIE, LET ME GO! I WANT TO LEAVE, PLEASE! I BEG YOU, PINKIE, SET ME FREE! I... I'll be a good filly, I promise! I-I won't tell anyone... Just please..." the horrified yelling slowly calmed down into terrified sobbing.

"Aw, poor Dashie freaked out. Dia, can I let her go?"

Diane shook her head. "Don't. She's lying. She would call the cops.”

Pinkie turned to her friend in disbelief. "You really would do that, Dashie?"

"No, I swear, just let me go!" Rainbow Dash begged.

"Bollocks,” said the darker sibling coldly.

"Then what should I do with her, Dia? She's too scared, she's not fun anymore..." asked the party-pony in a glum tone.

Diane looked at the restrained pegasus with an unnerving smile. "Nothing. Wait until I get back."

Pinkie’s eyes opened wide. "You are delivering the pizza? But you have a bounty on your head!"

"Like I give a shit. Be a sweetie instead, and do something delicious from Noteworthy," she gestured at the head her sister was holding.

"Okie-dokie-lokie!"

Pinkie bounced into the room her clone came out from, while Pinkamena walked up the stairs. When she arrived to the kitchen, she wiped the blood from her face with a napkin, then picked up a random pre-prepared pizza and jammed it into the microwave oven. She started preparing herself for her journey to Canterlot.

After the last knife was hidden under her biker jacket, the oven gave out a loud ching, telling it's master that the food was ready. She removed the pizza from the plastic box, then placed it in a paper one, and went to the garage of the pizzeria. A moped was waiting for her there. A black one, with skulls and flames painted on it, and the splasher bore the text "I buck everything I kill" She fastened the pizza-box on the trunk, then seated herself. After she plugged in the earplugs of her MP4 player, it started playing Nightmare from Avenged Sevenhoof, and after revving the bike for some seconds, she crashed through the closed garage door.

Author's Note

Aaaand here we go, my second ponyfic! It's pretty different from the previous one, first of all, it's finally something that tries to be funny, and it's something that was previously planned, and not inspired by some random "trauma." But I still hope it is enjoyable! Please, rate and comment!