Eternal Love’s Final Goodbye
I pushed myself to sit up in my bed, the sound of rain pattering against the roof attempting to soothe my rustled thoughts. Raising my hooves, I rubbed at my eyes with an exhausted sigh. Once again I’m kept up by the haunting memories of what once was. I needed to relieve my hindered heart and put my soul to rest before I began to lose my mind.
With an idea, I pushed myself to the floor and trotted over to my desk, resting my hind quarters on the wooden stool before it. Lifting a pencil with magic, I pushed a piece of paper forward. With a pause I listened to the wind, a rather fast wind the storm has brought. Hopefully this would work.
A heavy heart in my chest and tears welling up in my eyes I began letting the words find themselves on the paper before me.
He sat next to me as I listened to the song he so excitedly showed to me. Being overly-observant, I listened to the words very carefully, as if to catch on to why he would want to show me the song. However even long after the song had stopped the end of the song that continued to ring in the back of my mind.
Eternal love, that’s what this is. This feeling that I just cannot resist. So hold on to this hand of mine. And I promise you, I’ll never let go. I swear upon the starlit sky, my love for you will stay forevermore. My heart and soul I’ll give to you, ‘cause this warmth I feel is eternal love.
“Do you like the song?” He had a nervous edge to his voice, anxious to receive my approval. With curiosity in my eyes I looked to him, tilting my head.
“Why did you send me this song?” He kinda looked to the ground and prodded at it with the edge of his hoof.
“Well, it kinda says something I’ve wanted to say for a long time.” He couldn’t meet my eyes, worried about me responding in a negative way. And under his dark fur was a small blush, barely visible enough for me to see in the dim light. With a smile I grabbed his face softly with my hooves and made him look at me.
“I love the song. And I love you, too.” I reached forward and pressed my lips to his softly, my heart fluttering when he returns the soft kiss. This wasn’t our first, however it had much more meaning and feeling that would imprint itself on my heart for a long time to come.
-
“I don’t know what to do! You know I love you both but I can’t decide who would be best for me or who I would be best for! I don’t want to hurt anybody and all I’m doing is hurting everyone! It’s killing me and you should know that! I never wanted any of this pain to happen to anybody! I just wanted everyone to be happy!” The rain stung against my fur, surrounding me in suffocating darkness that was only intensified by my tears. He had his back to me, refusing to even look at me. I know I made a mistake opening my heart up when I know I shouldn’t have. But it was too late. I loved him, and him me. And now I was stuck with an impossible decision where I knew someone would be hurt in the end.
He looked at me over his shoulder, his eyes small, cold. “You need to decide. I’m not going to sit here and play dumb while you play us both.” He turned back around and walked off, leaving me there in the rain.
I fell to the ground with my chin against the dirt, lacking the will to even stand at this point. I knew I had messed up. I knew this was all my fault. And this is what I deserved for opening my heart up again. I just didn’t want anyone to get hurt. I was the only one who deserved to get hurt, but that wasn’t how this was going to end and I knew it. I had to figure out something, before someone was more hurt than necessary.
-
I sat in my room, alone, sobbing. I had told my previous colt friend it was “officially” over. I told him about him and we got into a huge argument, which I expected. And deserved. Now I could reserve myself to him and all would be well. Everyone would be happy. Right?
That’s all I wanted.
-
I threw my hoof into the tile wall, shrieking upon contact when I hit. I slid to the ground, sobbing. I was so stupid. The previous one was threatening suicide. He was claiming himself to be the cause for everything. For my unhappiness, for my suicidal thoughts, for having to go through all of this. He was wrong! It was all my fault and I knew it. But he wouldn’t believe me. He just kept going and wouldn’t stop talking about how everything was his fault.
I was done. I would have given anything to end it all then and there. I was sick of hurting everyone when all I wanted was for them to be happy. But no one was happy regardless of what I did. I was done living. I wasn’t good for anyone, right? No matter how hard I tried, I just kept messing up more and more and dragging them both down with me.
-
“You used me. You took advantage of me and used me for your own amusement. You never loved me. And you never cared. You just used me as an escape. And I’m not taking it anymore. Take him back before he does something stupid. He’s who you want anyway, who you’ve wanted from the start. I’m sick of being abused anyway.” He stood there, emotionless, watching me sob.
“None of that is true! I have loved you from the beginning and it’s why I couldn’t stay away! I tried to keep myself away and I couldn’t do it. Do you think I’d be going through all of this for you if I didn’t love you?! Do you think I’d still be here trying to figure out what to do?! Is nothing good enough for you?! Do you not believe anything I say anymore?!”
He scoffed, nearly smiling as he shook his head. “Stop denying it. You never really loved me. Or else you would never have had a decision to make. You were his from the beginning. You called yourself mine but that never changed. Just go crawling back to him, you would have done it anyway.”
I couldn’t fight anymore. I just became shrouded in a cloud of darkness as my cries silenced me. None of that was true! But I couldn’t speak past my own tears enough to argue anymore. Giving up, he huffed and walked away from me, slamming my front door behind him.
I put down the pencil and layed my head down on the desk, letting myself cry softly as the memories came flowing back to me in their colorful entirety.
Once I composed myself I sat back up and let my eyes trail over the scribbled words before me, my heart heavy with sorrow and my breaths forced.
“I did always love you. That never changed. From that first December through the next year and a half my feelings for you only became stronger, never weaker.
I fought for you against myself more than you know. But you never seemed to believe that. And in the end you didn’t believe anything I had ever said or done.
I opened myself up to you and I was the one to be burned. You claimed to have been so hurt by what I had done to you, but how you treated me in the end made me question anything I had ever done for you. Made me question if you had ever even loved me.
You betrayed me more than I have ever been, and I had fought for you more than I had ever fought before. You claimed I never loved you. Claimed I simply used you. But isn’t that what you did? Used me as an escape from your own personal demons? Whereas here was I the entire time doing everything I could to make you happy- to put those demons to rest.
I’m sorry nothing I ever did was good enough for you. But I’m not sorry for loving you, or for the connection we had. You may regret everything. But all I ever regret was hurting you like I did, which unlike you I take responsibility for.
You’ve probably forgotten me, or what we had by now. But I am constantly thinking about you, wondering how you’re doing, if things have gotten better. Either that or wondering where I initially went wrong, or what I could have done to make you happier in the end.
I don’t regret the outcome of “us.” I realized who was truly there for me, and who I could trust with my heart in the end. It may not have been you, but that can’t change what I felt for you.
They say “Eternal” is forever. And Eternal Love is supposed to be a neverending connection- an affection towards somebody without an end. With no strings attached and nothing to get in the way.
Well I’m breaking the rules. I’m throwing Eternal Love aside so I can move on. I’m severing the connection and laying my aching heart to rest so I can finally let go of the pain and guilt I feel on a daily basis for what I did. Nothing can change what happened, the only thing I can do now is accept what has been done and move on to be a better person in the future.
I don’t love you any longer, but I do still care about you. Or at least what we had, for who I did love is no longer who you are. I wish you the best in life, and I hope you can someday find a girl who can reserve herself to you in entirety without facing the obstacles I faced and was unable to surpass.
I’m sorry I was never enough for you. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be yours. But this is Eternal Love’s final goodbye because I can’t live like this anymore. I need to be freed of the pain I feel and the demons I face as a result of the agonizing guilt I have been forced to live with for the past 7 months.
I don’t even know if you’ll ever see this. I don’t truly care, to be honest. I’m not writing this for you to see, I’m writing this to let it off my chest once and for all.
This is goodbye. I wish you the best.”
I folded up the letter into halves and in halves again. I stood up and walked to the window, unhooking the latch and letting the wind rip the window open. I pushed the letter into the rain and watched as it was whisked away, dancing in the darkness as the wind carried it far away. Away from me, and away from my heart.
I sighed, letting one last tear fall as I closed the window. I trotted back to my bed and laid myself down. Pulling the blankets up to my chin, I closed my eyes as the sound of the rain hypnotized me into a deep sleep.
This was it. Eternal Love’s final goodbye. I let go of the pain and let the guilt fade away. And as my heart relaxed for the first time in years, so did my muscles as I fell into a calm, happy, heavy sleep for the first time in just as long.
