Chapters Twilight opened her eyes, slowly blinking at first, but became more awake and rose out of her bed. It was still early in the morning and the sun was just now rising. She crept down the stairs of the library, careful not to disturb Spike, who was still sleeping soundly. Today, she was supposed to meet Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner. Spike's birthday was coming up in a few weeks and she needed help setting up the party, so, naturally, she asked Pinkie Pie, who was more than happy to help her.
Twilight brushed her mane, grabbed her scarf and party supply list, and opened the door cautiously and quietly to set off for Sugarcube Corner. At this time in the morning, not very many ponies were awake, so the streets were mostly empty, with the only ponies out so early in the morning being ones who had set up vendors selling various items. As Twilight neared Sugarcube Corner, she noticed that the lights inside were off, which was odd. Though, the Cakes were out of town for the weekend with the babies, so it might not be too crazy to assume that she may just be sleeping still.
The front door was unlocked. though, which was worrying to say the least, as Pinkie Pie was supposed to lock up the store each night and open it in the morning. Inside, the counters where pastries were supposed to be set out were empty. Twilight went up the stairs to Pinkie's room and knocked on the door, no answer. She tried slightly harder, which made the door creak open slightly. As Twilight peered her head inside, she noticed how it was nearly pitch-black, with only a small amount of light pouring in from the blinds on the far side of the room.
Twilight opened the door all the way and walked over to the window, but was only about halfway across when a loud pop made her jump back a few steps.
"Seriously?! Balloons?!" Twilight couldn't help but angrily hiss.
Twilight regained her composure, and with a sigh, trotted over to the window, thankfully not setting off anything else that may have been in the room. Twilight opened the curtains so the now risen sun could flood through, making the room visible. Twilight gazed at the pigsty before her, balloons and streamers hung from the ceiling and lay strewn across the floor. But her attention was drawn to the bed. Amongst the confetti-covered bed lay some sort of creature with eight tentacles, bulging blue eyes, and a puffy, pink mane.
"Is that... an octopus?" Twilight gasped.
The octopus atop the bed focused its two eyes on Twilight and excitedly looked at the purple unicorn, then began to squirm its tentacles around, making slimy schlicking . The octopus also had something on its back, three balloons, identical to those that are on Pinkie Pie's cutie-mark.
"Pinkie? I-is that you?"
The octopus began to squirm more frantically, as though trying to communicate, it appeared it lacked a mouth.
"Oh... this is bad! Wait here, I'll go get help!" Twilight was beginning to break down, this made no sense at all.
She quickly raced out and to the Carousel Boutique in search of Rarity, who had been the closest pony to her. Twilight began frantically slamming her hooves on the door until she could hear voices inside and what sounded like shattering glass.
"Twilight? Are you okay? You look horrible!"
"RARITY! PINKIE PIE! OCTOPUS! BALLOONS!" Twilight got behind Rarity and began shoving her, "WE HAVE TO GET TO SUGARCUBE CORNER!"
Upon arrival, Rarity began gagging at the sight of the Pinkie Pie octopus hybrid. Her slimy tentacles were still slapping against the bed, which were moistening the sheets.
Rarity picked her up, "Pinkie Pie? Are you there?!"
This caused her to have a worried expression and also had caused a black liquid to secrete from under her and onto her hoof, causing the unicorn to drop her and faint. Pinkie Pie had landed safely on Rarity's stomach, and with slight hesitation, Twilight ran out the door to find other ponies. She would need more help if she wanted to figure out what was going on and how to solve it.
"Maybe Rainbow Dash can help me.." Twilight mused she sped through the town square, now bustling with ponyfolk shopping through out the markets. Up in the sky, Twilight could see a familiar blue pagasis clearing out the sky.
"RAINBOW!" Twilight attempted to get her attention, but to no avail, she was too high and going to fast to pay attention to her. Upon further inspection, she noticed a green blot in the sky flying in circles far below her: Tank, Rainbow Dash's pet tortoise. He was flying much closer to the ground, and would likely be easier to get the attention of. Tank looked down toward her and saw she was flailing her hooves in the air, obviously trying to get him down there.
"Tank, I need to get Rainbow Dash down here, it's an emergency!"
Tank slowly flew up to where Rainbow Dash was and got her to stop for a moment. At this instance, Tank flung himself upon Rainbow's back and repeatedly pulled his head back and rammed his head into her neck, lowering her down to the ground, where she then noticed Twilight.
"Oh, hey Twi."
"Rainbow Dash, I need you to follow me, it's an emergency!"
"Why? What's wrong?"
"It's Pinkie Pie, she's... an octopus."
Rainbow Dash set off on the trail to Fluttershy's cottage. It was in the mid afternoon and the sun was was as high as it would get for the day, letting off a bright, luminescent light. Rainbow had neared the dirt path leading to her cottage when she saw two young ponies arguing by a hollow log. One being a white unicorn and a yellow earth pony. The white unicorn's cutie mark was a backwards hat, where as the earth pony's was a hashtag.
"YO, NIGGUH, STEP OFF, NIGGUH!"
"BRO, YOU DON'T EVEN LIFT, BRO."
"SWAG."
"SWAG."
"STEP OFF, NIGGUH, I'MA BUST A CAP IN YO ASS!"
Suddenly, the unicorn picked up a pile of mud and began rubbing it all over his lower torso and around his back. The earth pony accepted his challenge and found an ant pile while throwing mud in the air, letting it slap against him in clumps.
"YOLO!"
"HASHTAG!"
"YOLO!"
Then, they began to slap their stomachs with their hooves, soft at first, but began to intensify to the point where they were hitting themselves with the force of a team of Africans pulling a bobsled down a hill made of a baby's butt cheeks.(that's super fast) Rainbow Dash fainted, as her sanity and mentality had been worn to the point of shreds. The two ponies walked past each other, over the collapsed pegasus who had fallen in a pile of leaves just off the path.
Fluttershy was taking her walk to the store for carrots, as Angel had thrown out the ones she already owned in a butthurt rage due to a lightbulb falling on him, an unpredictable mishap of malarkey. She was trotting merrily along the path to Ponyville when she heard a rustling coming from a pile of leaves near her. Not sure what to do, and scared, she dropped the basket she was carrying and dove to her right instinctively and landed in the nearest pile to avoid whatever was there.
Shivering and frightened, she backed her plump buttocks back a little more. At this point, she regretted leaving with a full bladder, she was ready to explode. Suddenly, she felt a moistness between her legs, which caused little squirts of urine to escape.
She quickly turned around, aroused and frightened and saw a familiar blue pegasus laying with her mouth open and tongue sticking out, unconscious.
"R-Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow Dash began to regain her consciousness and woke up.
"Wha-? OH, FLUTTERSHY! I NEED YOU TO COME WITH ME!"
She quickly took a hold of her hoof and and started flying as fast as she could.
Rainbow Dash ignored the funny taste in her mouth and sped to Sugarcube Corner to meet up with Twilight in hopes they had found a way to help Pinkie Pie.
Twilight rushed to her library and sped through the market, which was now flooded with ponies. At one instance, she ran into a vendor who was selling tomatoes. Quickly apologizing, she attempted to be back on her way, but was met with a burly orange earth pony yanking her back.
"CLEAN THIS UP!" He was disgruntled, to say the least.
Twilight, frightened by the aggravation of this pony, began frantically picking up the tomatoes until she got a hold of a mushy, destroyed one.
"What do I do with this one?"
"Eat it."
Twilight was shocked and scared, she hesitantly placed the whole tomato in her mouth and began chewing it, all while making direct eye contact with the vendor owner. About half an hour later, a large amount of the spilled tomatoes were now picked up, but there must have been a dozen squished ones left. Twilight looked back up at the stern pony and saw her answer.
With tears in her eyes, she bent over began eating the tomatoes like they were in a trough. Her stomach was near full and fit to burst, but there was still one more left. The taste of tomato was burned in her taste buds, and her ability to think was going null. She took the last tomato and gently placed it on her tongue, letting its succulent juices flow down her throat. She was ready to vomit on the ground, but she had to eat this last, disgusting tomato. Twilight began gnawing on the red paste in her mouth, but could have sworn there was a crunch. Twilight may have just eaten a bug.
The earth pony nodded and wheeled his cart elsewhere, leaving Twilight in a state of shock and disgust. There was also a puddle of white-yellow liquid below where the pony had been standing. Twilight then began waddling along the street to her library in the manner that you would see performed only by an autistic penguin. I don't mean like "March of the Penguins: Blooper Reel." I mean like a legitimate autistic penguin... weird shit.
Twilight could see the library at the edge of her view, but something was welling up inside of her. It had taken her about a good while to eat those tomatoes, and there were a lot. Quickly, she tried waddling her bloated plot faster, but not before minuscule pellets escaped the dank prison of Twilight's rectum and plopped safely on the ground with a light squish .
Many a pony were now watching as Twilight's fat ass quickly waddled down the street, releasing near whole turds and streams of her Nigerian pudding. Only when reaching the library did she allow her hot fudge sundae to spray wildly about, nearly propelling her around the room. Her moistened Mississippi Mud filled the crevices of the bookshelves and drenched the books of magic they contained. There certainly was no hope of finding a book until she managed to clean her mahogany tomato paste from them, which would almost indefinitely take a good amount of time, or be near impossible.
Sighing as she wiped, Twilight began writing apology letters to the ponies who had seen her in such a vulnerable state.. Moments later, she left for Sugarcube Corner in hopes of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy being there with a solution. At this rate, Pinkie Pie was doomed.
Twilight, now physically exhausted, wandered into Sugarcube Corner after having finally cleaned the library. In Pinkie's room, she could smell ink, strangely similar to that of which she used to write letters to Princess Celestia. In the corner she saw Fluttershy, face in her hooves crying.
"Fluttershy? Are you okay?" Twilight was worried about what could have been wrong.
"Twi-Twilight... I th-think I broke h-her." Fluttershy pointed to the Pinkie Pie octopus.
Pinkie Pie was sitting there, eyes closed but obviously breathing.
"Fluttershy, how exactly did you break her?"
"The... black s-stuff." Fluttershy was beginning to choke up.
"That's just ink, it's the natural defense mechanism that all octopi have."
Fluttershy then grew a grin wider than Twilight's anus. She then picked up Pinkie and hugged her as hard as she could, sending a stream of Pinkie's ink straight at Rarity's face, who had been taking a nap next to them. Without saying a word, she got up and left the room. Twilight was about to say something, but was met with a snappy glance.
"OK, we lost Rarity, but that doesn't really matter. All she did was take ink in the face," Twilight reassured.
In the closet inside of Pinkie's room, the ponies heard some shuffling and and crashing of boxes, followed by laughing. Laughing like a seal, a nasally HORK HORK HORK . Rainbow Dash jumped out of the closet, but in some sort of costume that resembled a penguin. It was like a jacket, it had a zipper, and the head and beak was the hoody.
"Hey you guys! Look what I found!" Rainbow Dash flaunted her penguin suit around in a manner that only a pimp could match, and that pimp would have to have at least like, five black belts.
The room grew eerily quiet as a knock on the door sucked the life out of the room, even octo-pie was holding her tentacles. Twilight told everypony to quiet down as she went to check on the door. Through the peephole, there was a sight more terrifying than Hitler and Stalin bathing in marinara sauce while George Bush sits on a toilet next to the tub looking at the fourth wall. Applejack was at the door.
Twilight quickly dodged out of sight from the peephole and hid next to the door as Applejack called out to them. Twilight could only hope that she would leave them alone.
"Hey. Ah haven't seen ya'll 'round these parts, lately... Ah just figured, y'know... ya might be here... or somethin'."
Applejack's face grew solemn as she wiped away a tear from her face and turned back down the road. Twilight, now relieved, headed back up the stairs and alerted the ponies of Applejack's departure. With a sigh, they returned to what they were previously doing.
"So, uh, yeah. I found this penguin suit... and, uh, thought it was kinda... neat."
Suddenly, the door downstairs flew open and you could hear clopping on the steps. The horrified ponies hid as fast as they could in fear that Applejack had returned. Twilight hid under Pinkie's bed, Rainbow Dash folded into her jacket suit... sacket... and Fluttershy, decided to an hero and jump out of the window.
The door to Pinkie's room opened and instead of Applejack there, instead was Rarity. The ponies all sighed and came out of their hiding spots, except for Fluttershy, as she had to be rushed to the hospital due to her left wing snapping and lodging one of the bones back into her torso, causing severe hemorrhaging.
"Rarity? What are you doing back here?" Twilight inquired.
"Well, as you may have noticed, I left rather abruptly earlier. I would only do so if I had a reason to, Twilight."
"And that reason is?"
"I, have a plan."
After Fluttershy recovered from her injuries in the hospital, the gang of ponies had regrouped at Sugarcube Corner to discuss Rarity's "plan". All of the ponies were up in the room while Twilight wheeled Fluttershy up the stairs, as she had to wait a day before she could perform any major movements. It was going fine until she fell out, and with a gasp, began rolling down the stairs. Many snaps and crackles could be heard along the way.
"C-can you just leave me h-here f-for a minute, T-Twilight?" Fluttershy was trying not to cry.
Once all of the ponies were settled, Rarity began to speak, "It seems there may not be any pony who can be of assistance here. But, if I do so recall, Zecora cured us of things just as horrid as this. Why do we not just ask her?"
"That's actually not such a bad idea, Rarity," Twilight agreed.
"Eh, we may as well. I still think Pinkie's fine," Rainbow Dash chimed in, squishing and prodding the octopus.
The ponies all got up and head out of the door to see Fluttershy struggling to crawling up the staircase.
Just as she reached the top, she looked up and asked, "Where are you g-girls going?"
"Oh, I forgot you were there. We're going to the Everfree Forest to talk to Zecora," Twilight replied.
With a heavy sigh, Fluttershy let her grip go and she began to slide back down the stairs. The ponies quickly traversed through the market without causing any mishaps and entered the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy clung to her wheelchair, for some reason it grew darker the farther in they went, and the bumps of the dirt and cobble path was disgruntling.
"C-can we turn b-back, please?" Fluttershy whimpered.
"We have to keep going, we'll be safe once we get to Zecora's hut," Twilight reassured.
The sounds of cackling and howling in the distance made it an unsettling scene, and a fog began to roll in. The ponies began to have trouble seeing, and Pinkie, who was nestled atop Rainbow Dash's head, was holding tight. Suddenly, a violent roar shook the ground, and caused Pinkie to fly up in the air and land on Fluttershy's lap, making her scream loudly. Twilight lost her grip on the chair and let go, causing it to go rolling away.
"FLUTTERSHY!" Twilight yelled, as the wheel chair rolled down a hill, but all too late.
At that moment, everything stopped, the ground stopped shaking and it was silent.
"We've gotta go find them!" Rainbow Dash flew down the hill, leading everypony behind her.
At the bottom, the trees became more dense, and so did the fog.
"I can barely see anything," Rainbow remarked.
"There has to be some sort of trail we can follow, look for broken twigs or tracks," Twilight replied.
"Twilight, over here!" Rainbow dash pointed at the ground a few feet ahead of them, there was drips of shining black liquid.
"It's Pinkie's ink! C'mon, we have to find them!"
Following the trail, Twilight could see that the ink trail became more frequent and blotchy, almost like diarrhea.
"Uh, oh," Rainbow Dash said, pointing to a bush. In it was Fluttershy's wheelchair. The ink trail also stopped, "What now?"
Before Twilight could answer, a small scream could be heard not far from them. Twilight and Rainbow Dash ran towards it, and saw Fluttershy covered in ink being carried by hooded pony, along with Pinkie on her head.
"Zecora?" Twilight asked, hopeful.
The pony took off it's shroud, revealing that it was in fact, Applejack.
Twilight gasped, "Applejack! Put her down right now!"
Applejack smirked, "Y'know I can't do that, sugarcube."
Rainbow Dash tackled Applejack to the ground, letting Twilight pick up Pinkie with magic and grab Fluttershy and run off into the bushes. Rainbow Dash then jumped off and flew to where Twilight headed.
"Git back here, ya varmints!" Applejack shouted after them.
"Fluttershy, are you okay?" Twilight asked to Fluttershy, "I noticed that there was some brown puddles as well as Pinkie's ink."
Fluttershy blushed, but couldn't answer, as Rainbow Dash barreled through the brush and landed next to them.
"Whew, that was a close one. Are we near Zecora's hut?"
"Actually, I think I see a light just up ahead," Fluttershy pointed out in front of them up a hill.
"Good work, Fluttershy, let's go."
The ponies ran up the hill, covered in roots and mud. It was just starting to rain, and Flutteshy had lost her chair. There didn't seem to be any sign of Applejack being near them, but they had to sat on guard just in case she caught up to them. It hurt Twilight to think about what she did to her, and how she would never be able to forgive her for such unspeakable actions. It was a kindness to not have the princess behead her on the spot. It was best not to think about it, it was also easier.
Twilight banged on the door, waiting for a reply, there was none. She started to hit it harder and longer, none. She was practically about to break down the door when a familiar zebra opened it, with a worried and frustrated look in here eyes.
"Zecora," Twilight cut her off, "We have a problem," Twilight stuck out the octopus, who started squirming her tentacles and squirted a stream of fresh ink in Zecora's face. It hit right as lightning struck, so that was pretty cool. Like lightning hit her, except it didn't. Like when you're on the toilet and you start to have chain farts, and it sounds like a song. That's always nice, I guess. It's those little moments that make the fondest of memories, though it may seems odd. I, for one, have no trouble accepting fart related instances as fond memories, I remember when I was 7, I would announces when I farted, even in restaurants. That is, until my parents made up a game where I had yell "safety!" when I farted, if they said "doorknob!" first, they would lightly hit until I touched a doorknob.
Zecora wiped the ink off of her face and allowed the ponies to come inside.
"I don't know why, but I found Pinkie Pie like this one day, can you help us? We have no idea what to do," Twilight begged.
"I have not seen anything like this, though it appears she is in a state of bliss," she replied.
"Can you fix it?!" Rainbow asked.
"If it is a cure for this you seek, your odds may be bleak," Zecora frowned, "If you wish your odds to be the best, I must send you on a quest," the zebra looked Twilight in the eye.
"We'll do anything," Twilight replied.
Suddenly, Rarity burst in the door.
"Oh, yeah. We left you while you were taking a nap," Rainbow smirked.
Twilight and all of the ponies gathered around Zecora awaiting for her orders, but a banging came from a chest nearby.huehuehauheuh . What could this mean? Twilight's curiosity got the best of her, she looked over to Zecora to see if she had her approval to open it. The zebra nodded. An ominous feeling swept through the room, it grew darker as well. The feeling of fear and suspense was thick in the room, as Fluttershy had passed out on the floor.
Twilight opened the chest, letting the rusted metal handle glow with her purple magic.
AND THEN A HYPER-REALISTIC SKELETON POPPED OUT AND KILLED EVERYPONY EVER AND EVEN A BEAR BECAUSE ITS A SKELETON AND STUFF.
EVEN PRINCESS (faget) CELESTIA WAS ALL LIKE, "OH, SHIT! A HYPER-REALISTIC SKELETON," THEN SHE DIED.
TANK THEN BRUTALLY RULED OVER THE CHARRED REMAINS OF EQUESTRIA, SODOMIZING ANY CRITTERS OF DIGRESSING BELIEFS OR OPINIONS, EVEN HIMSELF.
Author's Note
These chicken nuggets be ballin', yo. They be crispy like you never believe. When I first ate one, I was all like "WHAAAAAAAAAT? WENDY, ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
Rainbow Dash had a quizzical expression on her face, "Twilight, are you okay?"
Rarity began to flutter her eyelids open, but her vision began to become slurred by something, only when she realized it was one of the many tentacles did she began to panic. Twilight carefully lifted Pinkie off of her and back on the bed so Rarity could get up and clean herself. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Twilight pondered exactly what the flying Baby Space-Jesus was going on.
"Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash began to prod her, but with no real progress other than the slapping of tentacles.
"Twilight, are you sure this is Pinkie Pie? I mean, she has the cutie mark and the eyes, but she hasn't done anything other than... that."
"I'm as sure as we can we be, right now. We need to figure out what's going on, though. I'm still not sure how this happened, or what to do."
"I don't don't know what we can do. Is there anything in your books that could help us?"
"Wait, did Pinkie Pie do that? That's so... awesome!"
Rainbow Dash picked Pinkie-pus off of the bed and began to squeeze her like a balloon, making a squee sound each time, she began shooting streams of the black liquid around the room with disgusting precision, then faced Twilight and looked her dead in the eyes.
"Twilight."
"What?"
"Twilight."
"What?!"
"Twilight."
"WHAT?!"
"Let's keep her like this."
"Rainbow, we need to make her normal again!"
"Yeah, we could do that, but that's not as fun."
"Rainbow Dash, look Pinkie in the eyes and say that you'd rather go around and be a rabble-rouser than let her be her self."
Rainbow Dash looked at the Pinkie-dingy, expecting a sorrowful face, but instead saw her eyes shining brightly and happily. Just as happily as you would see a child in a candy store, or Bill Cosby eating pudding.
"She looks fine to me, Twi."
"Whatever. We need someone who can help us."
Suddenly, Twilight's face lit up with sudden realization, "Rainbow, you go get Fluttershy, I'll look around my library for any spell books that could reverse... this."
"Rarity," Twilight looked at the white unicorn in the corner, who was now frustratingly muttering to herself about her complexion and ink, "You just stay here and try not to get blinded."