Money For Nothing, Bits For Free

by chief maximus

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Caramel, Big Macintosh, Shining Armor, Sex, Human
Length: 2853

Shining armor has made a habit of visiting you on the Apple's farm when he knows you're alone. This is his fifth visit. As he awkwardly knocks on the barn door, you know why he's here. You've got him hooked on a certain part of your anatomy.

Working in a nation of ponies wasn't all bad. As a migrant worker from the small kingdom of humanity, the Apples were kind enough to pay you a decent wage, and let you live in the hay loft of their barn. It wasn't the Waldorf Astoria, but you've made it into a cozy little homestead. Most of the money you earn is sent back to your wife and son, but after a visit from a certain prince, you realize there are other services you could render for a considerable sum.

Hooray 2nd person HIE!

Published 2015-08-11 22:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-11 22:50:02 UTC

A Princely Sum

"Mighty fine apple buckin', today!" Applejack exclaimed, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"Yeah, I didn't really do a lot of the bucking, though," you grunt, pushing the last bushel of apples into the barn.

You hear your employer chuckle as you step into the sunlight with her. "Ah suppose you're right. Ya ain't exactly got the equipment for it."

The sunlight feels great on your skin. The temperate climate of the seasons in the Pony Kingdom stand in stark contrast to the nearly constant grey skies and blustery winds of the mountainous Human Kingdom. Clad only in a pair of sturdy cloth trousers and rather primitive work shoes, you soak in the warmth all the residents of this town seem to take for granted. As you enjoyed the last rays of a vibrant setting sun, a red stallion wearing a workhorse's yoke trotted around the corner of the barn you called home.

"All done, Ah suspect?" he asked, turning from you to his sister.

"Yep, we moved quite a bit of apples while you were out sellin' 'em," Applejack replied. Mac smiled as he turned back to you. Now was your favorite part of the day. Mac lifted his yoke and produced a small brown sack, about the size of a baseball. He took the edge in his mouth and tossed it towards you. The ingenuity of non-unicorn ponies to get by without fingers had always impressed you. They even used tools clearly designed for creatures with fingers!

"Fair day's pay for a hard day's work," Mac stated. You tossed the sack a few times in your palm. Just as heavy as always. The Apples were by far the best ponies to work for. You'd heard horror stories of terrible wages and working conditions for humans in the Equestrian cities, but they were rare, and usually shut down by the authorities once they'd been discovered.

"Thank you kindly, Mr. Macintosh," you reply as Mac grimaces in annoyance.

"Ah've told you time an' again you ain't gotta call me mister." You smile at him, and he can't help but flash a grin back.

"Sorry, Big Mac. Old habits." You've worked for ponies before. Lots of your kind had left the Human Kingdom seeking wealth and work after the iron grip of King Darius had come to an end. A rather violent one at that. You recall an old human saying that goes 'Revolutions often make things worse before they make things better'.

Those words rang true as you left your wife and child to find work and send back wealth from the more prosperous kingdoms. You would send two-thirds of your pay back to them, while saving the rest. You were very lucky to even get the clearance to work here in the first place. By royal decree, only so many human workers were allowed into Equestria. While you sympathized with your brothers who snuck in to work, you were certainly thankful you had all the right paperwork.

"Welp, we aught'a help Granny with supper," Applejack sighed, though their version of country cooking was just as good as anything you could get back home. "Should we set a place for ya?"

You thought about it. After all, dinner did sound better than going into town for a quick bite. On top of that, the Apple family had the uncanny ability to make a different apple dish every night, without ever repeating themselves. It was nearly enough to make you forget about meat! Well, almost. Just as you were about to accept, you recalled an appointment you had to keep.

"I don't think I'll be able to join you guys tonight, but I'd happily take any leftovers. I've got something that needs taking care of."

Mac nodded. "Fair 'nuff. We'll save ya some supper."

With that, they headed back into the house, leaving you and the setting sun alone. You knew he'd be arriving soon, so you made your way to the barn. You laughed to yourself. He was always so secretive when it came to this. Although you knew that anytime Princess Twilight mentioned her brother was going to be in town, like clockwork, he'd show up at sundown. Heck, one time he even tried to show up in disguise!

You assumed royalty had to keep a low profile, lest a scandal erupt among the Canterlot elite that a prince was regularly visiting a lowly human migrant worker for unknown reasons. You supposed it was for the best as you readied the extra bed the Apples had stored in the barn for him. Usually, they only used it when Apple Bloom had a sleepover and needed the space, but if it was fit for a filly, surely a prince wouldn't mind.

Besides, the bed wasn't what he was here for. Your magic fingers were. It happened by chance, at first. The Apples were hosting a dinner party for Twilight and her friends and family. You thought it was Shining and Cadences anniversary, but you couldn't be sure. Anyway, as you were on your way to the barn, you noticed Shining outside on the porch, desperately trying to bite something on his belly. In his formal wear, it was quite the amusing sight.

"Uh, your Highness, are you okay?" you asked.

"Oh!" Looks like you startled him. "Yeah, I'm uh... ugh, who am I kidding."

He turned to you and straightened his tie. "I was out walking with a guard patrol the other day, and during the wooded portion of our patrol, I got a... uh..." He trailed off, his white coat now beginning to blush.

"A...?" you followed.

He looked positively ashamed.

"Tick."

You raised an eyebrow. Was that all? They were annoying little creatures, sure, but embarrassing?

"Oh, I see. Well, forgive me, but, why not just use your magic to remove it?" It made sense. To you, a non-magical creature, anyway.

"I can't, it's too small. I have to be able to see or visualize what I'm casting on, and needless to say, I can't find it anywhere, but it itches like crazy!" He began trying to futilely scratch his stomach with a hoof.

"Sir—"

"Shining is fine," He corrected.

"Shining, I might be able to help you out."

He stopped. "Really? How?"

"Lie on your back for me," You said calmly.

Shining, hesitated, after all you'd just met, and while tails usually cover a ponies bits and pieces when upright, they did no such thing in this position. Which was why his tail instantly flipped up to cover himself. All the same to you, though. A species that goes around unclothed most of the time is bound to have a slip up now and then.

Examining his white belly, you scanned until you found a black speck amongst the otherwise snow-white fur.

"I think I've found him." You leaned in to make sure. Yep, that was a tick alright. You just happened to have a set of tweezers in your pocket from removing a rather nasty splinter you got helping Mac build a new fence earlier in the day. You made quick work of the tick gave a quick scratch of the area. "There ya go, Shining, good as new." As you leaned back, you realized he was staring at you, making this moment just a tad uncomfortable.

"Do that again," Shining said quietly.

"Do what? Do you have more ticks?"

He shook his head. "No, that other thing you did, with your hands!"

Thinking of only one thing you did, you scratched his belly for a few strokes. He leaned back and seemed to be melting into the porch.

And so, your side business was born!

This would be the sixth time Shining had visited, and he insisted on paying you a rather exorbitant amount for it. Still, it helped you send more back home, and having a bit of extra pocket change wasn't a bad thing either.

A soft knock on the barn door let you know your guest had arrived. You opened the door to find a cloaked prince who wasted no time stepping inside.

"Good to see you again, Shining."

"Same to you," he said, removing his hood and floating your payment over to you as you lit the lanterns around the barn, casting the room in what some might term a romantic glow.

"So, how have you been?" you asked, always interested in the problems of royalty. It was like your own little tabloid, since there weren't any here quite like back home.

"Good, Cadence is here helping Twily with some friendship problem or something, I'm not too sure what. Something to do with that weird map she's got in her house."

Shining settled in on the bed, laying on his back with his hooves behind his head. You can't help but smile. "I guess you're ready to go, huh?"

He returned the grin with a nod. "Yep, I've been thinking about this all day."

With that, you set to work. Unbeknownst to you, a certain red stallion had nearly tripped over one of his tools left out by Apple Bloom during her earlier crusading. Cursing his stubbed hoof, he was on his way to the barn with the framing hammer, just as Shining decided to get a bit vocal.

"Oh... Sweet Luna, right there... faster, please faster!"

Mac stopped dead in his tracks. He recognized that voice. He stepped up to the barn door, but tripped over yet another tool left out of place. His massive bulk flung the barn doors wide open, startling you and Shining, one of you, who shall remain nameless, shrieked like a little girl.

Realizing how what you were doing must have looked from that angle, you pulled back your hand as though it was on fire.

"What in tarnation is goin' on in here?" Mac asked, halfway between a question and a demand.

You straighten up. "Macintosh, I know what this looks like, but—"

"I lent you this barn rent free for livin' in! You ain't makin' a brothel outta my farm!"

"Mac, take it easy!" Shining said, standing from the bed. "Now, this isn't my most proud moment, but you know I'd never cheat on Cadence! Especially not with a human! Gross!" He turned to you. "No offense."

You wave a hand. "None taken."

Mac still didn't look convinced. "So what exactly was goin' on?"

A sly smile crossed Shining's lips. "Why don't you find out for yourself?"

Though hesitant at first, Mac seemed to trust the word of royalty. In no time, he too was putty in your hands. Figuratively. You stop after a good five minutes, and it even takes him a while to notice.

"See?" You say. "Nothing obscene, just a scratching."

Mac stood up, coming to his senses. "You know what, Ah bet there's an opportunity here," he said, putting a hoof to his chin. He turned to you. "How would you like to come into town to sell apples instead of sweatin' it out here with Applejack?"

You had to stop and think for a moment. After all, you didn't want to leave the pony who gave you this job in the first place high an dry! But, while getting in shape was a nice side effect, you absolutely loathed farm work. The same thing, day after day, no change, just unending tedium!

"Are you sure Applejack can manage by herself?"

Mac snorted. "She's been takin' care of the fields long before we hired you. Don't fret about her."

You take another moment to consider.

"Well, if she can handle it, I guess I'll go," you reply. "What is it we'll be doing, exactly?"

"Glad ya asked," he said, sitting on the bed. "Them... what d'ya call them again? Hands?"

You nod.

"Right, them hands of yours are somethin' else. Not scaly like a dragon's, but not all sandpapery like a griffon's. I reckon if you give a belly scratch to every customer that comes by the stand tomorrow, we'll double our sales, and word'll spread! I bet by the next day we'll have near everypony in town linin' up for a scratchin'!"

You couldn't exactly argue. After all, both Mac and Shining seemed to love it. You could only guess other ponies would too.

"Hey, that's cool and all," Shining interjected. "But, we can still keep this between us, right?" he asked nervously.

"Your secret is safe with me, Shining," you reply. With a sigh of relief, he hurried out of the barn and back into town, no doubt his wife was wondering where he's been.

"So what do ya say?" Mac asked, turning back to you. "If we make enough, I'll even cut ya in on some of the take, plus your normal pay."

No harm in doing something for money that you do for your dog back home, right? Plus, the ponies seem to react in a similar manner! Although you're sure they probably wouldn't appreciate the comparison. And more money to send back to the wife and son was always a plus.

"Okay, I'll do it."

Mac's smile was infectious. "Meet me in town tomorrow, bright and early!" He turned to leave and paused. "Uhm... say, you think I could, ah... get one more before bed?"

You sigh. Looked like someone was hooked already! "Yeah, but only for a minute or two."

The next day, you find that Macintosh had already left the farm before you woke up. Regardless, you get dressed, and head down the road into town. It's a bit of a hike, but you enjoy the morning stillness. Once you get there, you realize Ponyville is only just waking up. You spot Mac in his family's usual spot as he waves you over.

As you make your way to the car, you notice a new sign on the front, advertising the free gift with the purchase of any apple or pastry. Instantly you realize some words mean decidedly different things here than back home.

"Uh, Mac, can we talk about the sign really quick?"

He stepped out from behind the cart. "Ya like it? I was readin' one of those business books Princess Twilight gave me for my birthday, and it said in there that th' key to a good marketing strategy is somethin' called brandin'. It said I should come up with a catchy name for somethin' only my business can provide, so last night, this came to me!"

He was clearly proud of himself. Heck, this might be the most honest display of emotion you've ever seen out of him. And yet, the sign made you a bit... uncomfortable when you read over it.

Free hand job with apple purchase!

"Don't get me wrong, Mac, it's a great sign, but... why... how did you... I mean, hand job?"

He looked a bit confused. At least you were safe in the seeming innocence of the equine race.

"Well, yeah. You use your hands, to do a job. And you're one of our laborers, it just makes too much sense not to use!"

Before you could offer a rebuttal, a stallion you knew as Caramel trotted over.

"Quick, get an apron on and get behind the cart, our first customer's comin'!"

A poor choice of words, but again, they didn't know.

"Howdy, Caramel, what can I get for ya?"

The brown stallion looked over the cart. "How about one of them apple turnovers? I haven't had breakfast yet and I'm starving!"

As Mac wrapped up his pastry, Caramel noticed the sign.

"Say, Mac, what's a 'hand job'?"

He gave him his breakfast and smiled. "For that, you'll need to speak ta my human friend here, but brother, it'll be the best three minutes of your life!"

Another unfortunate word choice, but alas, money was money.

You had him sit in a reclined wooden chair as you sat beside him, and began your work. Just like the others, he loved it. As the day wore on, nearly everypony in town wanted a 'hand job' from the local human. In fact, by the next day, word had spread as far as Canterlot about the wonderful human and his magnificent hand jobs. So lauded were they, that after all four of the ruling alicorns received theirs, they decided to honor you.

How?

By naming that day 'National Hand Job Day'. At the commencement ceremony, you were the guest of honor. You, a lowly migrant human, feasting with royalty in Canterlot palace while giving nobles and commoners alike hand jobs left and right. By the end of the night, you had given so many you felt your hands might simply fall off.

However, you were now swimming in bits, and had enough to bring your family out of the turbulent human kingdom, and into Equestria as naturalized citizens.

In fact, your wife and son were granted an audience with the royals themselves! Where they then explained how you were bestowed the official title 'Lord of Hand Jobs'.

Your wife was thrilled.

Author's Note

Long walk for a play on words, wasn't it?