This is totally not a trollfic,
“Hi there, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC News, today we will be hunting a new type of predator, one who targets not only children, but one who turns them into horrible monsters, sending anything to the moon that resists her will.” Chris walked over to a delorean and got in, his crew following into the same car. It jumbled and rumbled until all was assembled, the car swished and flicked into the sky like a rocket on the fourth of july. In seconds they were gone, disappeared into space and time, like a twinkie in front of a fat guy.
The delorean appeared in another dimension, one filled with pastel ponies and other unimportant creatures. Chris was here for one pony, and one pony only, but on that road he would have to talk with other ponies along that pony way to find that pony that he was trying to find and talk with this pony to find out what this pony’s name was so he could question this pony and this pony would do pony stuff to hide what this pony did to other ponies, for this pony was a very bad pony who needed to be punished by her own ponies.
“Welcome, we are here in a place called Horseland, here we will be locating the mass pedophile crime boss commonly nicknamed as ‘Princess Molestia,’ she has been doing unspeakable things that I will now speak of because I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC News, she has been molesting her subjects, constant incest with her sister, who she also sent to the moon for rejecting her offer one day, burning farms and making the ponies take winter away, instead of using her sun powers to melt the snow herself.” Chris moved into the camera’s view, as he was not when he said that entire monologue.
“Ah... Where shall we start this journey?” Chris looked out towards the ponies who just generically plopped down from the sky as if this was some sort of video game glitching them like that. They were pegasi practicing flight very close to the ground, small fillies and colts of Cloudsdale, but Chris doesn’t know that yet. “There!” He ran towards one of the fillies who seemed to be struggling to get off the ground. “You, tell us, what is your name, dear?”
“Huh?” The startled filly said, confused about the humans. “Uhh... Scootaloo... Who are y-”
“Have you heard of this infamous ‘Princess Molestia?’ Is she around these parts? Where can we find her? Are you a victim? Have you ever heard of Dateline NBC News?”
“Could you slow down, sir?”
“Could you answer my questions, Poppy?”
“I’m trying to, whatever your name is...”
“Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC News.”
“Yeah... Chris... What was your first question?”
“Have you heard of Princess Molestia?”
“Celestia.”
“What now?”
“Her name is Princess Celestia.”
“Thanks, sweetie, have a caramel.” Chris placed a caramel cube on the ground, getting it dirty and filled with maggots. Scootaloo went right back to failing at flying.
“We’ve got ourselves a starting point men!” Chris said, jumping up and down with glee. “Uhh... edit that part out, will you?”
“Yeah, sure, Chris.” One of his crewman said.
We now knew that Princess Molestia was indeed in Equestria, we had only one thing left to do before finding her. We started with setting up a base of operations to track packages in Ponyville. It took months, but eventually we were informed of a black market postal service being served to a specific student, one who was said to be the servant girl of Molestia. We went to the library, the central hub of her student, prepared ourselves to intervene with her plans of molesting ponies.
Chris knocked on the door, no answer came back. It was silent, but the day was noon, it seemed odd for her to be sleeping at this hour. Chris did the logical thing and opened the door, sitting in a chair that was in the entry room for hours until Twilight was bound to come home.
Hours had passed, and now Twilight was destined to return home. The door opened slowly, every second that passed created a new drop of sweat running down Chris’ face. She came in alone, nopony or nobody else, depending on what you were. Chris sat in the dark, waiting for her to turn on the lights to make Chris look like a creeper. In seconds the darkness became heaven, and Chris still sat.
“Uhh...” Twilight was speechless to this new creature sitting in her library.
“Please,” Chris Hansen began, “Why don’t you have a seat over here?”
She slowly made her way towards the chair, unsure what the buck was going on, but Twilight was a civilized pony, and that has nothing to do with this sentence. “Uhh... Hello?”
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC News. How are you, Twilight Sparkle?”
“I’m good. Why are you here?”
“Excuse me, Miss Sparkle, but I ask the questions right now. How long have you been working for Princess Molestia?”
“It’s Celestia, not Molestia.”
“Please, we’ve connected the names, no need to try to hide anything from us anymore.”
“You think you’re so smart, huh? You’ll never bring Molestia down, we’ve got our prostitution heading outside of Equestria already. Saddle Arabia is almost under her control, Ponyville has been for ages. You can’t do anything, Molestia shall reign for ever! Long live Luna!” Twilight teleported upstairs, it was too far for Chris to chase after her. They left the library, defeated.
Our search was at an end, or so it seemed. We had no other start, seeing as how our only lead had teleported up the staircase. But then it hit me, she’s a princess!
They headed towards the capital of Horseland, Canterlot. It was an ugly parodic idea of Seattle. All the ponies bowed, knowing that they were in the presence of Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC News. Entry to the castle was easy, acceptance into the throne room was already done. And so the crew of Dateline NBC News just walked in, guns prepared to face Molestia.
She stood upon her throne, looking down at the crowd readied in front of her. Her mouth was forming itself for the question for Chris Hansen, and she let it go.
“Tell me, Chris, do you like bananas?”
