You best check yourself...
Vinyl Scratch paced back and forth through her living room, bored out of her mind. It was a tuesday, the most boring day of all, so naturally there wasn't anything to do. This left her an empty shell of herself, forced to pace endlessly as she tried in vain to come up with something interesting or fulfilling to do to occupy her time. Unfortunately, just like every other tuesday, she failed to think of even a single thing.
Eventually, the sound of her hooves clopping against the hardwood floor ceased as she collapsed onto a couch in boredom. She looked up over the rim of her purple-tinted sunglasses, eyes focusing on a clock mounted on the wall for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, only to see that it had only been a few minutes since last she checked. She let out a frustrated sigh seeing that it would be another long and uneventful tuesday.
"I hate tuesdays," she muttered, uncaring that she sounded slightly insane for talking to herself since there was no one else in the immediate area. She continued to lay there for a few minutes, fantasizing about how cool it would be to have a time machine so she could go forward to wednesday, or perhaps any other day of the week, when she heard a shrill ringing.
At first she mistook it for the blood traveling through her ears as years of listening to loud music had left her with a bad case of tinnitus, and she shook her head in an attempt to clear it away. Such an act was futile, though, as the ringing continued. Vinyl Scratch raised her head up off the couch cushion, now realizing that the sound wasn't in her head, but rather coming from somewhere nearby. Her ears swiveled, attempting to locate which direction the annoying noise was coming from.
It seemed to be coming from the other room, though it was quiet and she couldn't think of anything in her home that made a noise like that. Without a second thought, she hopped up off the couch and trotted into the kitchen. The sound was noticeably louder now, but it still sounded distant. She briefly wondered what it was, when she realized the sound was probably coming from the basement.
Vinyl clopped over to the door leading down to the basement and swung it open with the white glow of her unicorn magic, now hearing the ringing much louder. She flicked on a light and headed down a flight of stairs, but didn't immediately spot what was making the noise. It didn't help that her basement was literally packed with piles of random junk, some stretching all the way to the ceiling, and there was a thick coat of dust covering everything like a blanket of gray snow. She clearly didn't come down here very often.
She began sorting through the piles, trying to figure out what was making the noise as she tossed various ancient items to and fro with little regard. Eventually she came across the source of the ringing, a perfectly preserved onion with an LED timer mounted on the front. It still smelled fresh even though it had undoubtably been left down here for years, and Vinyl's eyes began tearing up behind her sunglasses as she pulled it from the pile of rubble. She inspected the thing for a few moments, noticing that the timer had apparently counted down to zero and was now flashing, and wondered where it came from, and, even more importantly, how to stop the ringing.
After a few moments, she found a tiny button on the top that, when pressed, stopped the sound, much to Vinyl's relief. It was really starting to get annoying. Now with that done, she was able to truly inspect the device, trying to remember what it was from. Eventually her eyes widened in recognition as she remembered exactly what she had set this timer for.
"Has it really been over two thousand years?" She asked herself. She had completely forgotten about this thing after leaving it down here for so long. "But that means it's time!"
She threw the timer back into its pile as she hopped around merrily. She was immensely happy that she would finally have something to do. She searched through the piles a bit more, pulling out an assortment of seemingly random supplies before heading back to the living room. She pushed the furniture aside with her magic, clearing a space in the middle of the floor before getting to work setting up her stuff.
She placed a large oval mirror on the floor before surrounding it in a circle of salt and drawing some complex runes around it with a piece of hot-pink chalk. Next she set up some candles on a nearby table. Lighting them up and taking a deep whiff, she was pleased to find that they were cinnamon scented. She turned out the lights and closed the blinds on the windows before turning around and admiring her work.
She nodded in approval before trotting up to the mirror and plopping down next to it on her haunches. "Oh magic mirror I demand your services!" She then pulled out a rubber chicken, holding it in the air with her forelegs. "But first, a sacrifice!" She slit the chicken's neck with a jagged ceremonial kris, letting the tiny beans inside spill out in a macabre display.
Suddenly, the mirror's surface lit up with a blue glow as it began emitting magical energy. Over the next few moments it grew brighter and brighter until it shone as bright as the sun, dispelling all shadows in the tiny room. Even so, Vinyl Scratch never looked away. She was wearing sunglasses, after all.
After a matter of seconds the glow died down before disappearing entirely, revealing a scruffy looking donkey standing on the mirrors surface. "That was fun!" He shouted in a voice dangerously similar to that of Eddie Murphy. He looked around, inspecting the candles and chalk runes before noticing the butchered rubber chicken on the floor.
"What the hibbity-heck is this? You know the mirror is magical right? It doesn't need any of this junk. Oh wait, don't tell me there's a rubber chupacabra on the loose!"
Vinyl Scratch pawed at the floor in embarrassment. "I was bored, okay?"
"Oh, so this is your idea of fun? Murdering poor, defenseless rubber chickens?"
"Yes," Vinyl admitted. "Anyway, I summoned you because I need your help with something important, Donkey."
"Oh sure. You don't talk to me for thousands of years then suddenly you need my help with something. Well maybe I don't want to help you. Maybe I have important things that I need to do."
Vinyl Scratch couldn't help but laugh at that. She knew perfectly well that Donkey didn't have anything important to do. "Oh yeah, like what? Eating grass?"
"Well isn't that ironic, the little pony making fun of the donkey for eating grass."
"I only eat the flesh of my enemies," confessed Vinyl Scratch. "But enough about that. I summoned you because the onion timer just went off."
Donkey's eyes immediately widened in recognition. "Then it's time?"
Vinyl nodded her head. "Told you it was important."
"Alright, alright. Then let's get moving," said Donkey, "we only have a day to get to it."
"Don't worry, it's not too far away," explained Vinyl while walking out the front door. Donkey followed closely behind. "It should be in a cave inside those mountains." She pointed a hoof at the Canterlot mountains, noticing the massive city perched on its side as though for the first time. "Though that might be a problem."
"So what, we just go up there, play nice, and go into the caves. It'll be easy," assuaged Donkey.
"I don't think you understand. They built the palace right on top of the caverns. The place is crawling with guards. No way they'll let us in there."
"Oh, you worry too much. It can't be that bad. And if it comes down to it, you can always seduce them with your feminine charms." At this Donkey received a deadpanned stare from a clearly unamused Vinyl. Of course, seeing no other way around this, she sighed in defeat.
"Whatever, I'm sure we'll think of something. Anyway, let's get going. We only have until the end of the day to get this done."
"Now that's the spirit!" Shouted Donkey as he hopped down a cobblestone path leading away from Vinyl's house and towards Canterlot. Vinyl herself followed close behind, though she was much less enthusiastic about the impending journey. "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again."
"Donkey!" Interrupted Vinyl Scratch, not wanting to have to listen to her companion sing the entire journey. "How about we sing the 'shut your mouth' song."
Donkey gave her a dejected look, clearly unpleased with her distaste for his singing. "Yeah, yeah, fine. I can take a hint. That one wasn't very subtle either. You could just ask me to be quiet like a normal person."
Vinyl just rolled her eyes. It was only a few miles to Canterlot, a trip that wouldn't take more than a couple hours, but she wasn't looking forward to dealing with Donkey the whole way there. She briefly wondered why she even summoned him in the first place, but then she remembered that he would likely be important in the future. She needed him. Either way, this was going to be an annoying trip.
--
Meanwhile, in Canterlot's palace, Celestia sat atop a large cushion and sipped at a cup of tea held in the golden glow of her magic. In front of her was a friendship report from her dear student. The first one she'd received in weeks, no less. It really upset her that Twilight Sparkle hardly even wrote her anymore. She would have a few choice words with her 'faithful student' the next time they met.
Either way, she poured over every word of the text as if trying to decipher their secrets. "Your secrets will be mine in time, friendship. Soon..." She muttered to herself, a wicked smile coming to her lips. With the help of these friendship reports she would one day master friendship. It was only a matter of time.
Unfortunately, there would be no friendship mastery today, as a guard pony trotted up before going into a deep bow. "At ease," Celestia said without ceremony. The whole 'bowing' thing got old really fast. Being the god of all ponydom meant that literally everyone she met bowed. Not that she was actually a god, the ponies just had a really weird religion involving her and she just couldn't bring herself to crush all their ideals by telling them that they're completely wrong.
The guard got up and looked in her direction, though unwilling to look her in the eyes out of some weird sense of respect. "Your highness, a patrol in the crystal caverns found something strange."
Celestia quirked an eyebrow at this. Ever since the changeling invasion where they used the caverns as a way to infiltrate the city, she had increased patrols down there drastically. Even then, the guards had never reported seeing anything 'strange' down there. "Strange how?" She asked after a moment.
"They described it as a giant onion. They weren't sure what to make of it, so the good captain tasked me to report this information to you."
Celestia nodded, trying to understand what could possibly be going on. It wasn't every day that a giant vegetable just appeared in a heavily-guarded area without anyone noticing. Perhaps it was some kind of prank, Celestia couldn't be sure. She had to see this for herself. "Very well, lead me to this 'onion'."
The guard nodded and gave a short bow before trotting off with Celestia hot on his heels. Not literally, it's a metaphor. Ponies don't even have heels!
After a short walk through the castle and down several flights of stairs, Celestia found herself in the crystal caverns, a cave system that spread for miles through the very heart of Canterlot mountain. Just months earlier, the changeling heretics had used those very caves to assault the holy city of Canterlot. Their leader had even worked up the gal to assault the god-princess Celestia herself. It didn't matter though. In the end, the disgusting sub-ponies were smote from this earth with the power of love. Ironic, seeing as they feasted on love. Though, too much of anything can be deadly, so it stands to reason the same can be said about love.
The guard lead her through a labyrinth of passageways, all illuminated by magically endowed gems set into holders along the walls. After just over a minute, they came to a wide, open chamber. The walls and ceiling were covered in jagged, purple crystals while the floor was ground flat. It wasn't hard to spot the metaphorical elephant in the room. Or in this case, the onion in the room.
The thing was huge and white, a clear contrast to the purple walls and floor, and looked completely fresh as though it had just been plucked from the ground and peeled. It oozed a heavy oniony aroma that hung in the air, bringing fresh tears to Celestia's eyes. The room was filled with at least a dozen more guards, all standing around the oversized vegetable, unsure what to make of it.
Celestia instantly spotted one who wore a distinctly more decorative set of gold and red armor, and approached him. Upon seeing her, he instantly bowed, something Celestia wasn't in the mood for at the moment. "Captain Original Character, report. What can you tell me about this onion? Why is it here?"
Captain Original Character, who had been promoted when his predecessor, Shining Armor, had moved to the crystal kingdom, stood up from his bow and instantly started explaining what he knew to his god-princess. Unfortunately, this wasn't very much. "We have no idea why this is here, your highness. The guards patrolling these very halls just hours ago didn't report anything unusual. Then, they all reported smelling onions. They weren't sure what was going on until they found this huge thing just sitting here. Having never dealt with a giant onion before, we came to you for advice before any action was taken."
Although Celestia was annoyed to be called upon for such a strange task, she was also glad the guards hadn't acted in her stead. The whole lot of them are pretty worthless, so who knows how bad they could have possibly screwed everything up. Besides, Celestia couldn't help but feel that something was up. Giant onions don't just randomly appear out of nowhere, much less in restricted areas. Someone was clearly behind this.
"Close the palace off. I don't want anyone getting in or out without me knowing. And get some unicorns down here to magically scan this thing," ordered Celestia. "It may just look like an ordinary onion, but we can't be sure. Besides... I don't trust this thing." She narrowed her eyes at the huge vegetable, sizing it up and down, trying to read its weaknesses. She wasn't sure what to make of this onion, but she'd be damned if she let it make a fool out of her.
--
Unbeknownst to them, above their very heads stood a pair of ponies who knew exactly why the onion was there. Or rather, a pony and a donkey. The trip to Canterlot city had taken a few hours, though it had been a trying few hours for Vinyl as Donkey refused to shut his large mouth. Even now as they walked through the whole city of Canterlot, Donkey couldn't help but point out all the cool buildings and landmarks.
"It's just all so shiny and clean," he exclaimed. "How do they even get it this clean?"
Vinyl shrugged, an action unseen by her companion who was currently looking everywhere but at her, before answering. "Probably magic. You'll find that everything here is done by magic."
Unfortunately, even after walking all this way, the pair had yet to come up with a reliable plan for getting into the caverns. For all they knew, the only entrance was through the palace somewhere, and the whole place was literally crawling with guards. Guards LITERALLY crawled across the palace. You think I'm just using a metaphor again? I'm not!
After walking down the main street for a few minutes and passing hundreds of the wealthiest and most superior unicorns in existence, the two of them made it to the palace gates. The palace grounds were separated from the rest of the city by a tall, golden fence that was guarded by dozens of patrolling guard ponies at all time. The gate in particular was guarded by a pair of identical, burly unicorn stallions, clad in decorative golden armor and wielding spears held with their fetlocks. They maintained their stoic demeanor, not even batting an eye as the pair walked up to them.
"Excuse me," called out Vinyl, getting one of the guards to look down at her. "We need to get inside the palace grounds. It's important." With no other plan, she decided to just be direct with the guard, hoping that that would somehow work.
Unfortunately, it didn't, and the guard grunted out a response. "Nope. The palace grounds are off limits to civilians at this time."
Vinyl looked at him, hoping he would give a reason why, but it seemed that that was the only answer she was going to get. She narrowed her eyes, and gave him a fierce glare. One that he returned with a stony and emotionless stare of his own. "I came all this way, I will not be denied. Let us in."
The guard's eyes narrowed slightly and his muscles tensed as he was likely getting ready to jump into a fight if one began. "Don't do something you might regret. Continue elsewhere or we'll be forced to subdue you."
Vinyl looked about ready to attack the guard, when Donkey pulled her aside and began talking in a hushed tone. "Woah, hold it there. Maybe we shouldn't pick a fight with the big, muscular guards."
"I can take 'em. Besides, do you have a better idea for getting into the palace?"
Donkey smiled widely, clearly having a plan that he thought would work. "You remember what I said about your feminine charms?"
"Oh, no!" Stated Vinyl firmly, not wanting anything to do with such a plan.
"Come on, it could be our only way in. You flaunt your stuff a bit, get flirty, and they let us in. It's easy!"
"If it's so easy, why don't you do it?" She asked, though the answer was obvious.
"I know I have dashing good looks," stated Donkey, "but I don't think the guards would be interested, if you catch my drift."
After a few long moments of Vinyl considering their options, she finally conceded. "Fine... I'll try..."
She pulled off her sunglasses, showing her beautiful crimson eyes that seemed to sparkle in the noon sun. Her white coat was pristine and smelled of onions and her mane flowed in the wind, showing how wild she truly is. She was the epitome of sexiness, and any passerby, be it mare or stallion, would no doubt have gaped at her stunning good looks.
Adding a little sway to her hips, she sauntered back up to the guard, her big, booty-licious flank swaying to and fro as she walked. She inched close letting her warm, oniony breath blow across his neck as she spoke. "Pretty please let us in. You wouldn't want to keep a beautiful mare unsatisfied, would you?"
He pulled back and gave her his most expressive look yet, which consisted of one raised eyebrow. "Ma'am are you trying to seduce me?"
Vinyl pulled back also, unaware that she had been so obvious in her endeavors. "Uh, no," she responded lamely, looking away in shame that her attempt at seduction had completely failed.
"You do know that guards have their genitals magically removed when they join the force, right? That way, we can resist seductive witches like yourself. Besides, I'm gay," he explained.
Now Vinyl just felt straight up silly. Either way, all this was getting her nowhere. She put her sunglasses back on, and turned back to Donkey. "Okay, we tried it your way, now we do it my way."
Donkey looked about ready to argue, but even he was able to realize that now was not the time. They had to get inside those caves before sundown, or else! Vinyl turned back and gave the two guards a glare as her horn lit up with magic. Seeing this, they immediately sprung into action, hoping to subdue her before she could do anything. Unfortunately, Vinyl Scratch was far more experienced in combat than they could have possibly imagined, and they didn't stand a chance. She caught the two of them in mid jump with a magical field, one that smelled strangely like onions, and bashed their heads together, knocking them both out.
Dropping them to the ground in a heap, she used another burst of magic to force the golden gates open. The two of them stepped inside, now one step closer to getting to their destination and completing this dumb journey.
"Now where do we go?" Asked Donkey.
Vinyl honestly had no idea. The palace along with the surrounding guard barracks and gardens was massive, a testament to Celestia's vanity. They could wander this place all day and still not find what they were looking for. Fortunately, a guard patrol was passing by at that very moment, and spotted the two of them.
Now this would be unfortunate in most situations, but at the moment, Vinyl Scratch needed nothing more than answers, and she had no doubt the guards knew their way around quite well. The guard patrol, which consisted of another two stallions, both of which were earth ponies this time, approached them.
"You two! You don't look like palace slaves, state your business here! The grounds are currently off-limits to civilians!" Stated one of the guards.
"Yeah, yeah," waved off Vinyl with a hoof. "We're just a bit lost. Could you please direct us to the entrance to the crystal caves so we can be on our way?"
Unfortunately, the guards didn't seem too keen on doing that. "Ma'am, this area is off-limits to civilians," he repeated. "I'm going to have to take you into custody. Don't resist if you know what's good for you."
Vinyl rolled her eyes at this. All she wanted to do was get this adventure done and move on with her life, but these dumb guards were being really annoying. Thankfully, the guards are pretty much worthless, and are mainly kept around for show. It's simply not in pony-kind's nature to fight anything, and hundreds of years of relative peace without the need of a fighting force has left their military weak and poorly trained in combat. Not to mention these were earth ponies. They didn't stand a chance against a superior unicorn such as herself. Especially not one so powerful.
Once again her horn lit up with a white glow, and once again the guards were hefted into the air. This time, however, she didn't bash their heads in. She needed them, or at least one of them, awake if she was to find out where she needed to go.
"Put us down this instant! Assaulting a royal guard is a crime against Equestria! I'll see you hanged for this!" Of course, she only needed one guard to show her the way. With a flick of her head, the annoying guard's face impacted the ground with bone-crushing force. Thankfully, this simply resulted in a concussion, and perhaps a mild case of brain damage. Either way, it knocked him out, and that's all that matters.
Now with that done, Vinyl focused her attention on the less-talkative of the two guards who had yet to be knocked out. "I'm gettin' real tired of this shit," stated Vinyl. "So, here's the deal. You tell us where we need to go, and I don't magically remove your skin."
The guard's mouth dropped open in horror. He clearly didn't fancy the idea of living the rest of his life without skin. That just sounds uncomfortable. "Alright, I'll talk. Just, please, don't hurt me!" He cried out, tears coming to his eyes and his forelegs bent into a pleading posture.
"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Yelled out Vinyl.
The guard, not wanting to further piss off this sadistic unicorn, decided to explain where to go, making sure to go into great detail so as to avoid having his skin removed. As I've already mentioned, not having skin sounds like it would really suck. No wonder the guard didn't want that.
With that information, Vinyl smacked the guard's face into the ground, knocking him out but mercifully leaving all his skin intact. For now, anyway...
"You know, this is going a lot more smoothly that I thought it would," admitted Donkey. It would seem he underestimated Vinyl's supreme magic.
"Clearly you forget who you're dealing with, Donkey," stated Vinyl cockily. "I'm like, the best at magic in the universe."
With the important conversations over with, the two of them headed on their way to the entrance to the crystal caverns, which was just across the palace's gardens, dispatching or avoiding any guards they saw on the way. Things couldn't have possibly been any easier.
--
Dear my 'faithful student',
Let me start this letter off by asking a simple question. Do you even know how fucking upset I am right now? No? That's what I thought you little slut. You know why? Because you're a dumb little shit. You think you know everything, prancing around like you fucking own Equestria just because you're the element of magic. Well news flash for you, you're nothing without me. I made you. I taught you everything you know. EVERYTHING. And you know who owns Equestria? I do. I own you, and everything around you. You are my bitch, yet you seem to think you can just run around with your friends and completely forget I exist. I gave you those friends for a very specific reason, and I can just as easily take them away. With that said, let me explain to you how things are going to go from now on. You are going to continue writing me letters on a regular basis. But now I know you're thinking 'what would happen if I disobey Celestia and don't keep sending her my friendship reports?'. Let me just put it this way, you DON'T want to do that. I can't even put into words the hell that I will bring down on you.
Sincerely, PRINCESS Celestia
PS: This is not a fucking joke.
With a burst of golden magic, the letter was sent, and Celestia let out a long sigh. She didn't like getting cross with Twilight, but sometimes that purple bitch was just too dense to see reason without it being hammered into her face. No matter, now that that was taken care of, the amount of friendship reports coming in would no doubt pick up. Her mastery of friendship will be achieved in no time.
Celestia began rubbing her hooves together as a deep laugh involuntarily exited her mouth. It crescendoed into a crazed giggle before evolving into full fledged maniacal laughter. "MUAHAHAHA!" Celestia just felt so evil right now, it was fantastic. Unfortunately, her laughter wasn't destined to last, as a throat clearing from the doorway announced the arrival of one of her guards.
Celestia turned around and faced him, slightly embarrassed at being caught doing her evil laugh. Fortunately for her, that seemed to be the last thing on the guard's mind as he went into a bow, a frantic look on his face making it clear that he had some important, and probably bad, news.
"What is it?" Questioned Celestia, getting straight to the point.
The guard, who was identical to every other guard save for the fact that he was a unicorn, stayed in his bow as he reported. "Your highness! Some crazy unicorn and her donkey companion have infiltrated the palace grounds. We tried to stop them, but the unicorn's magic was too powerful, even for all of us. She headed inside the intrance to the crystal caverns than put some kind of barrier up that we can't get past."
Celestia's eyes widened. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid by locking down the palace. It turns out, once again, the guards were useless. No matter, she would just have to deal with this unicorn herself. Her magic is quite powerful, after all. Then she could interrogate them about the onion. No doubt they know something about it. Them breaking in can't have been a coincidence.
She trotted out of her palace and towards the cavern entrance with her long legs. The guard did his best to follow behind, but his comparatively miniscule legs weren't up for the task. In no time at all, she made it to her destination, and found a group of guards using all kinds of spells in an attempt to break through what looked to be a white, magical barrier.
They instantly stopped and bowed as Celestia got close, but she paid them no mind. She was focused on the barrier. Her horn lit up as she scanned it for weaknesses, but what she found was disheartening. This was no ordinary magical barrier at all! She could tell by some of the pixels and from having seen a lot of magical barriers in her day.
No, this barrier was made from god-magic, a type of magic even more powerful than normal magic. No wonder this unicorn had broken in so easily. Celestia began to panic for a moment. The last time she had dealt with a god was with Discord, and that had taken a lot of outside help. But then she got an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea.
She could just get help again, and she knew just who to call. He owed her, after all.
--
Jesus layed upon his couch, which was made from the skin of every president of the United States, with his feet up on the armrest. He was wearing a skin-tight skin-suit fastened together from the bodies of countless enemies he had slain. His socks, made from the hopes and dreams of all mankind, shone and glinted in the light from his solid diamond lamp. In fact, everything in the room was made from some rare and priceless material. He was in heaven, after all.
He clutched his iPhone 5 in one hand (a gift from Steve Jobs in exchange for passage into heaven), and chatted with his alter-ego, Mormon Jesus. The guy was kind of an asshole, but so was normal Jesus, so they got along just fine. Unfortunately, the call would have to continue later, as a burst of golden magic in the middle of the room heralded the arrival of a letter sent via magic. Jesus, with the reflexes of a rocket cheetah, reached out and grabbed hold of the letter before it could fall even one inch. This was good, as the floor was made out of hot lava.
He took a moment to examine the rolled up piece of parchment, noting the Equestrian royal insignia stamped into a wax circle on the front. He hadn't gotten a letter from Celestia in eons. That was something he was sad about, as they hadn't exactly departed on the best of terms. No doubt, after all this time, she needed his help again.
He let out a long sigh. People only ever contacted him when they needed his help for something. Except those dumb christian humans, they were praying to him like 24/7. That shit got really annoying after a few hundred years. He tried to get them to stop by destroying them all with various natural disasters, but that only seemed to make them pray more. And those bastards were resilient too. He (actually his father, but they are technically the same person because of the whole 'holy trinity' thing) even tried to wipe them all out with a massive flood at one point.
But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that he had a letter from the sun pony princess herself. With one flick of his wrist, faster than the mortal eye could possibly see, he removed the seal and opened the letter, now gazing down upon it with his special eyes. It would seem he was right, Celestia was having some god problems again. He could just ignore her, but this could be his chance to get back with her after all this time.
She was the only one he had ever loved, and he thought about her every day. Maybe by helping her, he could turn things around between the two of them. Besides, he was too nice to just leave her hanging on this.
Jesus took a moment to curse his unending kindness for all the problems it had gotten him into over eternity, before using his god-magic to open a cross-dimensional portal to Celestia's room. He found her pacing around her room, clearly nervous about something. She hadn't noticed him appear, as he is insanely sneaky when he wants to be. I mean, have you ever seen Jesus before? Didn't think so. In fact, no one has seen Jesus in over two thousand years.
"Uh-humph," he cleared his throat. Celestia instantly turned to him, her eyes now drawn to his glorious form. She wasn't exactly subtle, and Jesus noticed her gaze wandering around his every curve. His skin-suit was fairly revealing, highlighting every one of his toned muscles and the bulge in his swimsuit-area.
After a moment, she looked away, a slight blush now spread across her cheeks like butter on toast. "Oh, hello Jesus," she said casually, still not making eye contact.
"Don't 'oh hey, Jesus' me. I got your letter. What's going on?" Normally, Jesus didn't mind a bit of banter before getting down to business, especially with someone as sexy as Celestia, but there was supposedly a god on the loose that he had to deal with.
"I'll explain everything, but first. Would you like some tea? It's made from the tears of orphaned foals."
Even though it was a waste of time, Jesus simply couldn't refuse such an offer. Orphan tear is his favorite tea flavor and the castle staff were known for making some very good tea. No doubt Celestia had ordered it just for him. He quickly grabbed the tea kettle from a nearby table before chugging down its piping-hot contents, completely disregarding cups. Cups are for idiots anyway.
Once he was done, he wiped the corners of his mouth with the back of a hand and let out a satisfied belch. He could still taste the despair, no doubt these tears were fresh. Likely harvested just minutes ago. "You and your tea, Celestia." He responded playfully, his mood having improved drastically after partaking in the delicious beverage.
"Well, I am a pony princess. That means I'm pretty much required to love tea," she explained. Jesus nodded in understanding. The universe simply works that way. With the tea thoroughly consumed, Celestia now began explaining the situation. "Just earlier today, some of my guards found a giant onion in the caverns underneath the palace. It seemed completely fresh and we had no idea how it got there, and magical scans didn't reveal anything."
"A giant onion you say?" Questioned Jesus as he rubbed his perfect beard in thought. "That sounds familiar from somewhere, but I can't place it. I recall you mentioning something about a god attacking your palace in your letter."
"Yes, that. Just a few minutes ago a female unicorn and a donkey fought their way through all my guards and made it into the caverns. That in and of itself isn't very remarkable, as my guards are pretty useless. What is important is that the unicorn put up some kind of barrier behind itself upon entering. A barrier made with god-magic."
Jesus raised one eyebrow at this. Out of the billions of horrid abominations inhabiting the multiverse, few could even fathom god-magic, let alone use it effectively. "Then I'd wager this onion is more important than you were lead to believe if a god is after it."
"My thoughts exactly," agreed Celestia. "Unfortunately, I can't get past the barrier or do much of anything about it, which is why I called you."
Jesus knew this would be dangerous, but quite frankly he was eager for some action. Hanging out in heaven all the time got pretty boring. Besides, if it came down to a fight, he was confident that he could best any opponent. In all his years of existence, Jesus had never met his match in combat. He was simply too good. "Alright, I'll help you," he said with a nod.
Celestia gave him a grateful smile before her eyes were once again drawn to his muscular chest. The guy had a freakin' eight-pack, and for some reason Celestia found that irresistibly attractive. She once again turned away with a blush. There was no time for that right now, maybe after this onion business had been taken care of, but for now she had to focus. "The cavern entrance is right this way, follow me."
She sauntered past him and out of the room, her big, meaty flanks bouncing around like a pair of watermelons on a trampoline. Jesus had to bite his fist to avoid reaching out and smacking them right then and there. There would be plenty of time for that later... Just not right now.
--
"Do you even know where we're going? We seem kinda lost," stated Donkey for the twelfth time. They had been wandering down paths seemingly at random for the last ten-or-so minutes and had run into dozens more guard patrols.
"Of course I know where we're going," responded Vinyl Scratch. She knew the onion was in here somewhere, she could feel it. Unfortunately, without knowledge of the cave's dozens of tunnels, it was taking a bit of work trying to find the onion. It didn't help that the tunnels seemed to snake off in all kinds of random directions, making it impossible to walk in a straight line.
After a few moments, the cave once again split off into two tunnels, both of which twisted and continued on, making it impossible to see which one was the correct way. Thankfully, Vinyl wasn't navigating off of sight. She took a deep whiff of the air, noticing the minute smell of onions where others would have smelled nothing. She quickly found that the onion smell was coming more heavily from the right path. She was about to head off in that direction, when she smelled something different.
She took a few more whiffs before it finally clicked in her head. It smelled like god-magic. And not the oniony stuff she used either. Worse even, she knew who's god-magic it was. "Jesus..." She muttered in annoyance. Of course he would come here. She hadn't seen him since their last encounter. That was thousands of years ago at a social gathering. Jesus was pretty much a huge asshole the whole time and made fun of and insulted onions and stuff. She hated him ever since. And now he was here. No doubt Celestia had called for help or something and the two of them had broken through the barrier Vinyl put up.
Donkey seemed to get something was up as he was now looking around all over and sniffing the air with his comically-large nostrils. He may not have been a god himself, but he was far past being a mere mortal either. "I think somethings coming," he stated, starting to bounce around nervously on his hooves.
"Jesus is coming, and fast."
Donkey's eyes widened in horror. "Jesus? But why is he here? Oh why?! I'm too young to die!" Before Donkey could get too hysterical from his inevitable death now looming over him, Vinyl smacked him across the face. It was enough to snap him out of his shock, at least for the moment.
"Donkey, I'm going to need for you to stay calm," said Vinyl slowly. "Jesus isn't going to kill us. We just have to get to the onion and everything will be fine."
"But the onion is so far away," countered Donkey.
"Then let's hurry up." Vinyl was about to get moving, when she noticed the look in Donkey's eyes. It was determination.
"We'll never get there in time. Jesus is fast and he probably has a guide." He took a deep breath, obviously not liking this one bit. "You go on, I'll stay here and distract him for as long as I can."
Vinyl was about to interject, but before she could, Donkey place a hoof on her shoulder. "This is important. There's no time to delay. You have to go now."
Vinyl Scratch wanted to yell at him to come with her, but she knew that this was the only way. Donkey may have been annoying, but he was still her best friend. "Thanks, Donkey. Thanks for being my friend for all these years, even if I didn't always treat you the best. And I know I never told you this, but thanks for seeing me as more than just a monster when everyone else, including me, couldn't."
Donkey had a few fresh tears in the corner of his eye. He'd never heard his friend talk to him like that. Unfortunately, the tender moment didn't last long as the sound of foot and hoof steps came echoing down the passage. Jesus was close. Really close!
"Now go!" Shouted out Donkey, "I'll delay him as long as I can."
Without another word, Vinyl Scratch trotted off down the right passage towards the onion. She had to get to it quick, or Donkey's sacrifice will have been for naught.
--
Jesus and Celestia ran side by side down the twisting tunnels. Thankfully, Celestia knew her way around or they would have no doubt gotten lost in the confusing cave network. They were making good time, and hopefully they would be able to apprehend their enemies before they got to the onion.
As they came around a bend, they both skid to a halt, now seeing the enemy before them for the first time. He looked like an unremarkable, scruffy looking donkey, but Jesus knew that looks could be deceiving. Anyone powerful enough could easily change their form to whatever they wished. He got into a combat position, examining the donkey as best he could with his god senses. Unfortunately, those too weren't very accurate if the target knew how to mask their presence.
Jesus extended his right hand, pointing one muscular finger directly at the donkey and narrowing his eyes. "You have some explaining to do. I want to know who you are and what's going on." Jesus, being the intellectual that he is, hated being in the dark on this. He really wanted some answers.
Donkey, for his part, only shivered a little bit, rocking around on his hooves out a mixture of nervousness and fear. Despite this, he knew he had a job to do, and he was going to do it to the best of his ability. He managed to swallow his nervousness, and his gaze hardened. "Oh how rude of me, I haven't introduced myself," he exclaimed, trying to sound posh and failing badly. "I'm Donkey."
"Never heard of you," stated Jesus. He crossed his arms and looked Donkey up and down. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're just a regular old donkey."
"Then it's a good thing you know better. I'm not just any donkey. I'm the Donkey."
"A donkey is donkey," stated Jesus. "You know what tastes better than horse meat?"
Donkey saw where this was going, but reluctantly answered anyway. "Vegetables?"
Jesus grinned and licked his lips, staring directly into Donkey's eyes. "Donkey meat."
"Haha," nervously laughed Donkey as though it was some kind of joke. Jokes on him though, Jesus never jokes. "I'm sure donkeys taste just terrible."
"I've eaten hundreds of Donkeys," claimed Jesus proudly. "I think I'd know better than you how they taste." There was a brief awkward silence as Jesus looked around the room, finally remembering what Celestia had said earlier.
Celestia must have been thinking the same thing, as she finally spoke up. "The guards reported seeing a unicorn with the donkey."
Jesus scowled, now realizing that this was obviously a distraction. "Well then, I guess the chase isn't over then. First I'll dispatch of this donkey, then I'll find the unicorn."
Donkey was now visibly shaking. Fear and death are all Jesus leaves in his wake, and now he was coming for Donkey. He was right to fear. Thankfully, thousands of years of adventuring had at least taught him the basics of combat. Once Jesus was close, he jumped into action, swinging a hoof in a sideways strike at Jesus' neck.
With a movement so fast it broke the sound barrier and created a sonic boom, Jesus arm lifted and he blocked the hoof in mid air with the back of his arm. Before Donkey could even think of pulling back, Jesus' right arm shot out, palm open, and hit Donkey right in the chest.
Donkey flew back a few feet managing to land on his legs. He briefly examined the wound, finding a hand-shaped bruise where he had been struck.
For some reason this caused Jesus to smile. "So you aren't just an ordinary donkey after all. That attack would have easily killed any mere mortal."
"I thought I made it perfectly clear that I'm not just any donkey, I'm the Donkey."
Jesus chuckled a bit. This was mildly entertaining, but Donkey had stalled long enough. It was time to finish this. He suddenly rushed forward, delivering a punch with all the force of a meteor right into Donkey's face. Donkey flew back into the cave wall from the force of the punch before falling to the ground unconscious. He was lucky his head was even intact after such a punch.
Jesus didn't have time to admire his work, though. He had a god to kill. "Stay here and watch the donkey," he said as he turned to Celestia, who had just watched the fight with mild amusement. "I think I can manage from here."
Without even waiting for a response, he hurried off down the right passageway. The stench of onions was now noticeable and he could sense something, or someone up ahead. No doubt they were close to the onion now.
--
Vinyl hurried through the passageways. She knew she was on the right track, she could practically taste the onion in the air. She only hoped she could get to it before Jesus was finished up with Donkey. She didn't have to hope for long, as she came around another bend to reveal an open cavern, at the center of which was a massive, white onion.
She smiled widely as she approached the glorious thing, rubbing her hooves across its surface. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen, and she could simply bask in its presence for all eternity.
Unfortunately, Jesus saw fit to spoil her little moment by coming through the same entrance she had just moments before. "Step away from the onion," he ordered, using his most commanding voice.
Vinyl didn't budge, though. No way was she leaving the onion after all the work she put into this. Instead, she hopped up with her mighty legs, landing on top of the vegetable which was easily twice her height. "Sorry, Jesus, but that's not going to happen."
Jesus now looked confused. "How do you know who I am? Who are you?"
Vinyl's smile grew even wider, stretching impossibly long across her pony features. "You know who I am. Remember a few thousand years ago when you made fun of onions."
Jesus' eyes widened in realization, and he seemed to be examining Vinyl as though for the first time. "No... No it can't be!"
"It is!" Yelled Vinyl, as she pulled her sunglasses off and tossed them up where they got stuck in a crevice in the roof. "Nobody makes fun of onions. Nobody! I swore on that day that I'd get revenge. So I came up with a little plan. A plan involving this little onion here. I placed it here two thousand years ago, under a magical veil so none of the ponies could find it. You see, the crystals in this cave have a certain property. They absorb the magical energy of pone-land like a sponge, constantly sucking it in until they're filled up. Once I found that out, it was simple altering this onion to suck magical energy from the crystals."
"But that means-"
"Yes!" Interrupted Vinyl. "This onion has been absorbing tons of magical energy for the past two thousand years. That's enough energy to do almost anything." The onion was filled to the brim with energy to the point where it couldn't hold any more. In fact, even a day more of absorbing energy and it would likely collapse, releasing the magic in a giant explosion.
"What are you planning?!"
"Oh, that's simple. I'm going use the magic of the onion to get my revenge against you. By destroying the one thing in the universe that you love."
"No!" Jesus denied, but it was clear to him what Vinyl had in mind.
"With the power of the onion I'll change of all Equestria, and along with it your precious Celestia, into onions! Then your hatred of onions will make it impossible to love her!"
"Stop it now, you don't have to do this!" Jesus pleaded.
Vinyl's smile finally faltered and transformed into a frown. "But I do. You see, Jesus. When you insult onions, you're also insulting me. I am like an onion, after all." After saying that, Vinyl was suddenly incased in white, oniony light as she changed into her true form. After but a moment, the light died down to reveal Shrek in all his glory, clad in simple linen clothes with his signature leather vest.
Jesus looked furious now. He didn't intend to let Shrek threaten his waifu Celestia and get away with it. "You better stop this or I'll destroy you," he threatened.
"You best check yourself before you Shrek yourself," responded Shrek, not even the least bit scared of Jesus.
Without warning, Jesus lunged forward at speeds that would make even an Alaskan-rocket-cheetah jealous, ramming his fist into Shrek's chest with so much force that it caused an explosion. After a moment, the smoke cleared, revealing glorious Shrek, completely unharmed aside from a small scorch mark where the fist impacted.
Shrek dusted his shirt off with one hand as though he didn't even give a shit. He likely didn't. "You're a cheeky little bastard aren't ya'? Well then, it looks like play time is ogre."
Shrek lunged forward himself, and he and Jesus exchanged brutal, high-speed punches faster than even a pair of dragon ball Z characters could ever hope to. Unfortunately for Jesus, with the onion feeding Shrek energy, he didn't stand a chance.
After a few short moments and hundreds of punches, Jesus took a few steps back, trying to steady himself. Shrek wasn't about to allow him even a second of reprieve, though, and he jumped forward once again and kneed Jesus in his perfectly-toned abdomen. Not even his diamond hard abs could protect him from Shrek, and he took another step back, only to receive a back-hand to the face.
Shrek continued slapping Jesus around for a bit before finally backing off. Jesus wiped some spittle from the corner of his mouth and glared at Shrek with all the hatret he could muster, but Shrek just gave him a smug smile in return.
"I warned you about checkin' yourself, ya' little puss."
Of course, Jesus wasn't done. No, he'd never give up so long as Celestia was being threatened. He extended his right arm, a bright light glowing in his palm which transformed into a huge, two-handed sword. One side looked to be carved out of a large piece of bone, and was so sharp it could probably split atoms in two. The other was covered in veins and flesh, with a reptilian eye set just above the hilt that looked around as though the blade was alive. All in all, it looked like a big pterodactyl head. Jesus clearly wasn't messing around if he was resorting to using his most powerful weapon; Soul Edge.
Shrek just smiled, the only weapons he needed were his big, meaty fists, aptly named 'reason' and 'persuasion'. "Well isn't that cute," he said in his scottish accent. This only served to make Jesus angrier, and with a mighty battle roar, he ran at Shrek, his huge blade held down at a perfect 45 degree angle. Once Jesus was close enough, he brought the blade up at an arc, trying to slice Shrek in two.
Unfortunately, the blade just passed through air, as Shrek jumped straight up at the last second at an impossibly quick speed. He soared through the air doing multiple front flips before landing perfectly behind Jesus. There were no judges present, but if there were, they would have no doubt given him a perfect score on such an amazing jump. Before Jesus could even try to turn around, Shrek elbowed him in the back of the head, knocking him off balance.
Taking advantage of Jesus' predicament, Shrek jumped in the air again, this time spinning around like Chuck Norris from Walker Texas Ranger, and delivered a roundhouse kick into the back of Jesus' skull the likes of which has never been witnessed by mortal eyes. A resounding crack echoed through the chambers as Shrek's rock-hard foot made contact.
Jesus was launched face-first into the stone ground, carving a trench with his face as he slid several meters. He stayed down for a few seconds, before trying to push himself up off the ground. He was unable to, though, as such a smack down had robbed him of most of his strength. He was lucky he was even conscious after such a hit. He managed to push himself up a few inches, spitting out a few chunks of cobblestone as well as a tooth that had been dislodged, before Shrek walked up to him and examined the tooth.
"Better out than in I always say." he announced before turning away to channel the magic from the giant onion. His hands turned white as oniony god-magic flowed over them, and he began forming the spell with ease. Even as complex as it was, it was no problem for Shrek. Suddenly, there was a massive discharge of energy as the onion exploded in a flash brighter than the sun.
If Jesus didn't have god-eyes, his retinas would have likely fried. Perhaps having his eyeballs incinerated would have been preferable, though, as what he saw once the light cleared filled his heart with dread. Everything was onions! The walls, ceiling, and floor were onions, even the air was onions. The smell of onions was overpowering, leaving a burning sensation in his nose and a bad taste in his mouth. His eyes turned red and poofy and spouted water like a pair of tiny Niagara Falls-es. Jesus' face scrunched up in disgust at being exposed to so much onion.
Shrek, on the other hand, was prancing around joyously, with a huge smile on his fac This much onion was utter bliss to the ogre. He fit right in.
"Wha-what have you done?!" Jesus grunted out as he managed to push himself up onto one knee. "You destroyed so much, how could you?"
"Destroyed, or made it better?" Asked Shrek.
Jesus glared with all his might, actually managing to fire tiny daggers out of his eyes. They bounced harmlessly off of Shrek, though, not even managing to pierce one of his layers. The ocular assault didn't last long as another pair joined the two in the chamber.
Celestia, now an onion pony, walked in along with Donkey who was sporting a few new bruises from his previous fight. Jesus looked up and gasped in horror. This was like a nightmare to him. His one true love was onionified! He wasn't sure if he could ever look at her the same again. But then he saw her beautiful eyes. Onion or not, everything about her was still beautiful to him. He could live with this change, if only for her. Like that one lady from the titanic, his heart would go on foreeeeever.
Donkey limped over, smirking as he noticed Jesus was in similar shape to him. "What's wrong Jesus? You're looking a little swamped." Jesus paid him no mind, however, still focused on the love of his life.
Of course, Celestia didn't share his mindset. As soon as she laid eyes on Shrek she stopped, eyes wide, like a deer caught doing something really embarrassing. Her jaw dropped open, letting a line of drool run down her chin. He was the most beautiful and sexy thing she had ever seen. She instantly forgot about Jesus, and rushed up to Shrek, embracing him in a hug with her forelegs. She didn't even complain when Shrek reached around and gave her massive ass a squeeze. Her buttocks felt like a pair of large onions in his hands. It was so hot, he couldn't help but get a massive eshrektion with his colossal ogre dick.
It was love at first sight.
"B-but... Celestia. I love you!" Said Jesus, actual tears joining in with the onion tears he was shedding.
Celestia turned and gave him a disgusted look. "Sorry, but Shrek is far superior to you. You don't even have layers. Stop that crying, you're being ogreemotional."
Jesus then turned his gaze to Shrek. "I'll get you for this, someday! Mark my words!"
Shrek just laughed at the threat. He didn't afraid of anything, least of all Jesus. "Haha. There's nothing you can do about it. I guess you'll just have to..." Suddenly, the pair of sunglasses fell from the crevice in the ceiling and landed directly on Shrek's face. "Peel with it."
YEEEEAAAAAAAH!
--
Literally all of Equestria had been onionified. The trees, the water, even the animals and ponies were all onions now. It was a glorious new era for the previously non-onion pony empire.
Of course, today was special. Today was the day that Celestia, the princess onion pony of all onion pony kind would wed Shrek, god of onions. It had been several months since 'The Onion', as they had taken to calling it, was used, and since then their love had only grown.
Everyone in Equestria was in attendance as they held the wedding in the palace. Donkey stood by Shrek, his best man, and the bridesmaids were the previous elements of harmony, who were now the elements of onions, upholding the values all onions strive for. Even Celestia's sister, who has yet to be mentioned this story, was in attendance. Whatever the fuck her name is...
Of course, the real fun didn't happen until after the ceremony when Shrek and Celestia finally got some alone time. They had a gratuitous amount of sex. It was really, really hot!
And they all lived happily ever after...
The end (it's ogre)!
