Fblthp is Totally Lost

by Lithl

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Crossover, Human, Magic: The Gathering, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2327

The noise that escaped Fblthp's lips could best be described as a whimper. It was the most lost he had ever been.

Fblthp's service to the Azorius Senate rarely required him to leave the safety of the Magister's Garden. Except for assisting Arrester Parisha in capturing a Rakdos cultist, he couldn't remember the last time he'd poked his little homunculus toe outside Senate property.

Unfortunately for Fblthp, Parisha's parting words to him were, "until next time."

This is not the end of the Fblthp Saga! Once you're done here, check out FanOfMostEverything's sequel, A Sly Toll Tot. A Sly Toll Tot takes place in the same multiverse as his Elementals of Harmony story.

Published 2013-03-19 11:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-19 11:20:02 UTC

Magic

Fblthp had always hated crowds. The Forum of Azor was by its very nature a crowd-filled place. His eye darted between the beings crowding the square, from celestial archons to dispassionate vedalken. Humans, goblins, imps, ogres, elves, and more all bustled from one duty to another errand. There were even a few of the Izzet League’s weirds: fusions of elementals with opposing elements. Fblthp also spotted Arrester Parisha walking through the crowd, where she was given a wide berth. The little homunculus was not granted such luxury, and he had to scramble many times to avoid getting kicked by passerby. But Parisha’s presence made him feel a little more secure. The Arrester and her team were close by, ready to step in to rescue him should anything go wrong.

Eventually, Fblthp found Ral Zarek. Zarek looked just like the picture Parisha had shown him in her office. Fblthp blinked. The magic lens Parisha had put on his eye itched worse than when his allergies started acting up. Perhaps that was because the lens was designed for a much smaller eye — despite his diminutive stature, his eye was disproportionately large, even compared to a cyclops.

Ral was wearing the customary guildmage attire in the red and blue colors of the Izzet League. He also had a large gold-chrome cylinder strapped to his back and a matching set of gauntlets. His white-streaked hair was cropped short enough to stand on its ends, giving the impression of perpetual electrocution — an impression strengthened by the lightning-like arcs of blue mana traveling between Ral’s gauntlets and the cylinder on his back.

Ral had plenty of personal space within the crowd, for obvious reasons.

Fblthp nervously hovered near the edge of Ral’s bubble within the crowd, hoping that it would be close enough for Arrester Parisha to gather data on Ral’s activity. Fate, it seemed, had other plans for the homunculus.

“Come closer, little one,” Ral called to Fblthp. Fblthp looked around in confusion and pointed to himself, to confirm that the guildmage was indeed trying to talk to him. “Yes, you.”

Nervously, Fblthp walked closer to the mage. “What is your name, little one?” Fblthp told Ral his name. “Thbltpth? That’s rather difficult to pronounce. Now, why don’t you tell me who you’re working for, little Cthillcip? Who has you trying to spy on me?”

Fblthp winced. He had barely begun watching the Izzet mage and already he’d been noticed and his purpose found out. Parisha would surely blame him for this failure. He’d lose his job, he’d be kicked out of the Magisters’ Garden, and he might even get arrested. Fblthp whimpered at the thought of being put into a jail. Or being exiled. Or maybe even being exiled and put into a jail in the place he was exiled to!

One of Ral’s hands snapped out towards Fblthp quickly, quicker than the homunculus’s big eye could follow, quicker than any human had any right to move. Before he could blink, Ral held the enchanted lens between two fingers, pulled straight off of Fblthp’s eye. Parisha might get mad at him, but at least his eye didn’t itch any more. Every cloud has a silver lining.

“Come, now, Bthppl, a recording lens? I invented these devices. I can assure you that I’m capable of detecting their magic.” Ral crushed the lens easily and knelt on the ground in front of Fblthp to come closer to the homunculus’s eye-level. It was the tallest Fblthp had ever felt. He put a gauntlet-clad hand on the homunculus’s shoulder, the blue mana cackling around both human and homunculus, and said, “Now just tell me who you’re working for and you can be on your way. I’m doing impor—”

Shouting in the crowd had started when Ral Zarek pulled the recording lens off of Fblthp. The commotion grew in volume and in proximity until a group of seven arresters broke into the space surrounding Ral Zarek, their weapons drawn. Parisha was among them, and Fblthp felt a small glimmer of hope until he remembered how badly he had bungled the job, and that she would probably arrest him as quickly as Zarek.

“Step away from the homunculus and remove the elemental gauntlets. Slowly.” Arrester Parisha’s voice was strong and forceful. “Guildmage Ral Zarek of the Izzet League. Pursuant to Provision VII.12.13b of Isperia’s Edict, Provision IX.327.1 of Leonos II’s Edict, and Provision II.1.4f of Augustin IV’s Edict, we are placing you under arrest for wanton destruction of property private and public, conspiracy against the Guildpact, crimes against citizens of opposing guilds, and manslaughter.”

“Don’t forget ‘general uncleanliness,’ I didn’t take a shower this morning,” Ral remarked sardonically. He didn’t move away from Fblthp and he didn’t remove his gauntlets.

Parisha was unfazed by the man’s sarcasm. “You may remain silent. Not because you have the right to do so, but because I just don’t want to hear your noise.” Perhaps not entirely unfazed. “Anything you do say or think will be used against you at your justice hearing. You may seek the counsel of an advokist. If you cannot afford an advokist, you may indebt yourself to the Orzhov Syndicate. Knowing your options, will you come peaceably or do we require the use of force?” Parisha sliced her sword through the air to emphasize her point. “Please say ‘force.’”

Ral’s reply was quick, “Nah, I think I’ll take door number three.” His dark eyes began to glow white. Fblthp, all but forgotten by the arresters, could see that the light came from a five-pronged shape deep within Ral’s pupils. Parisha shouted at her subordinates to detain the mage. Fblthp cowered under the grip of Ral Zarek.

Fblthp couldn’t see what was going on — he had closed his eye, of course — but it felt like like every fiber of his tiny body was racing in a different direction. It was the most pain he had ever felt.

Creatures with an adrenal gland generate adrenaline. In times of stress, the body is pumped with large amounts of the chemical, commonly referred to as a “fight or flight or freeze” response. Fblthp’s adrenaline primes him for a “flight or freeze” response. So, he fled.

Despite the pain, the little homunculus tore himself free of Ral’s loose grip and ran, eye closed, as far and as fast as he could. He barely registered the fact that Ral called out to him, and he didn’t think why he hadn’t run eyefirst into the legs of one of the arresters, nor did he wonder where the bustle of the Forum had gone.

As often happens to people who run with their eyes closed, whether they’re a military-trained centaur or a fumbling, cowardly homunculus, Fblthp tripped. He fell. It was the farthest he had ever fallen.

The fact that the Forum was on the ground, while he fell from a great height was his first clue that he might not be on Ravnica any more.

Author's Note

This story takes place during the Magic: the Gathering storyline immediately prior to the events tied to the Dragon's Maze set. Ral Zarek is researching the Implicit Maze for Niv-Mizzet, and Dragon's Maze refers to the race through the maze that Niv-Mizzet invites each guild to send a champion to.

Ral Zarek's most impressive achievement is hiding the fact that he's a Planeswalker (a powerful mage with the ability to step between worlds) from Niv-Mizzet — Niv-Mizzet isn't called "dracogenius" for nothing.

Gathering

Fblthp’s second clue that he might not be on Ravnica any more was that after the pain stopped and he opened his eye, he wasn’t on Ravnica any more. In fact, he was draped over one of the highest branches of a large oak tree and the city was nowhere to be seen. It was the highest he’d ever been off the ground.

Fblthp could hear voices coming from the ground.

“Did you see that?”

“No, I didn’t see anything.”

“I’m telling you, there was a big flash of light coming from the branches of the library!”

“Maybe that dendrologist from Colton is taking pictures for his case study.”

“You totally made that word up. And it wasn’t a flash like a camera. It was big! I can’t believe you didn’t see it!”

The voices were close to the tree, and they both sounded female. Fblthp whimpered.

“There! You hear that? There was a noise coming from the branches!”

“Yeah, I did hear it. Maybe somepony’s stuck up there.”

“Hello? Is anypony there?”

“Rainbow! Why don’t you just fly up and look?”

“Oh, right, I guess I could do that. Heh.”

In a split second, Fblthp found himself eye to face with a pegasus. Fblthp had never seen a pegasus before, but he had seen pictures. The pictures didn’t tell him that pegasi could be cyan, or that they could have rainbow-colored manes, though.

The pegasus cocked its head to the side and asked, “what are you?” Fblthp didn’t know much about pegasi, but he did know that horses weren’t supposed to speak. He clung tight to his branch and closed his eye, hoping the strange thing would go away.

“Hey, uh Twi,” the pegasus called back to the ground, “there’s nopony up here, but I’m pretty sure I found what made the noise.”

“What is it?” The hidden voice replied.

“Um... I have no idea. It’s like Spike, but it’s got one big eye where its head should be, and it’s got soft pasty skin instead of scales, and it doesn’t have a tail, and it’s got little bat-like ears...”

“So it looks nothing like Spike at all,” the other voice sounded annoyed. “Can you get it out of the tree?”

“Sure thing!” Fblthp felt the pegsus’s legs wrap around his body. The coat was soft, almost like velvet. Fblthp felt the pegasus extricate him from the tree — he was nowhere near strong enough to stop the pegasus, so he didn’t bother to resist — and lower him to the ground.

When he finally felt earth under his feet, he opened his eye again. The cyan pegasus was standing near a lavender one, but something was wrong with the second one. It took Fblthp a moment to figure out what the problem was, before he realized: the second one didn’t have wings! It wasn’t a horse, either, Fblthp knew what horses were supposed to look like. Horses don’t have bony protrusions in the middle of their head. Without wings, it couldn’t be a pegasus, either. Maybe it was the result of one of Momir Vig’s old experiments?

Fblthp tried to make himself look as small and uninteresting as possible. His genius ploy didn’t work; both equines kept staring at him. Were they smiling? Fblthp didn’t know very much about animals. Could horses smile?

“Hello!” The purple one said. Fblthp whimpered. “Uh... my name is Twilight Sparkle,” she lifted a hoof to point at herself, “and the pegasus that saved you from the tree is Rainbow Dash,” she gestured to the pegasus. “Do you have a name?”

Fblthp murmured his name.

Twilight and Rainbow looked at each other. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that,” Twilight said, “could you repeat yourself?”

Fblthp said his name again, being careful to enunciate this time.

“Can it even talk?” Rainbow asked. Fblthp nodded vigorously. Of course he could talk. Just because he didn’t speak the same language as anyone else didn’t mean he couldn’t talk!

“Well then I don’t mean to be rude, but could you tell us your name one more time? It sounds like you have sialorrhea—”

“Twilight, stop making up words.”

“—or perhaps you’ve lost motor control of your tongue. I don’t mean to offend, but it’s very difficult to understand you.”

Fblthp repeated his name for a third time. This time he did his utmost to enunciate, and he spoke each syllable slowly to make sure the two ponies could digest them one at a time.

“I don’t think we’re mishearing it, Twilight, I think that is its name.”

“Grksbk? What kind of parent would name their child something like that?”

“I know, right? What do you think we should do?” Rainbow turned away from Twilight and faced Fblthp again. “We’ve gotta get this thing out of the open before anypony sees us. There’s no way this quivering ball of fear could survive meeting Pinkie without having a heart attack.”

“Ftlubg, can you come inside?” The purple pony’s bony protrusion began to glow and a door in the side of the oak tree swung open in response. “How about a nice cup of tea to calm your nerves?” That was definitely a smile, Fblthp was certain of it. He felt better about himself for discovering something new: horses can smile. The offer of hospitality didn’t hurt, either. Dirt paths and doors in trees and strange horses with bony protrusions was all scary and strange, but these two seemed very friendly, at least.

As Fblthp walked into the tree, he heard Twilight ask Rainbow to go fetch someone — or something — called “Fluttershy.” A cold sense of dread grasped Fblthp. Maybe these two weren’t as friendly as he thought.

This was definitely the most alien place he had ever been.

Author's Note

Read Fblthp's previous story, written by Matt Tabak, Rules Manager for Magic: the Gathering!

I had originally intended for this to be a one-shot, but it kind of inflated itself as I was writing. I've already cut two scenes from the start (honestly, it was far too close to what Matt had written for my liking). More likely than not, I won't take this story any farther, though. I like where it's at, and if I added more to it I'd want to make it a full-blown [Adventure] or multi-arc [Slice of Life] story. While I love Fblthp, I'm not (currently!) interested in writing that much Fblthp/Pony crossover.