Fear and Loathing in Ponyville
We were on the edge of the Everfree forest when the drugs began to take hold. We zipped across the sky in a big, red chariot, being pulled by two Pegasus. I was a reporter of the Canterlot Times newspaper, my assignment was to attend and report Ponyville’s annual “running of the leaves.” We were flying close to the ground, I glanced over at my friend/attorney, Gonzo. He was a large, middle aged, tan colored unicorn, who was currently having an in depth conversation with a used napkin, poor bastard was tripped out of his mind. I began to have my own little hallucination; I heard a deafening screech, when I looked up the sky was filled with what appeared to be huge bats, screaming and swooping down at the, chariot. I swung my hoofs at the beasts, trying to make the allusion go away. I heard a myself yelling “Sweet Celestia, what are these goddamned animals!?” The two Pegasus were now staring at us with faces of concern, watching Gonzo talk to an inadament object, and myself flailing my forelegs at non-existent bats. I caught them staring and barked “Hey! Don’t look at us, look where you are flying! That’s how accidents happen!” The two slowly turned back around. “Nosy bastards” I spat under my breath. Underneath my seat was a suitcase, inside the case was: two bags of grass (the drug, not the food), a sheet of LSD, a six pack of beer, two bottles of cider and various glass bottles containing hallucination-inducing magic potions. Suddenly, I heard Gonzo grunt; “Hey Duke, look! A hitchhiker!” He was pointing with his hoof to a grey Pegasus on the ground with two heavy looking saddle bags, she was waving for us to slow down. “Let’s give her a ride!” He insisted “Hey boys, put this thing down right here!” He ordered the Pegasus pulling the cart. “Wait no! We can’t stop here, this is bat country!” I groaned. Before I could put up a better argument, we were on the ground and the grey pony was already eagerly running to our cart. I wanted to take off, leave the hitchhiker behind and continue our trek, but before I knew it, the filly was at the side of our cart, squealing in delight; “Oh boy, I never road in a chariot before!”
I stared at her and said “Is that right? Well I guess you’re about ready then, aren’t ya?” The first thing I noticed about her was her yellow eyes were crossed.
Gonzo, who was still a bit loopy looked back at her and said “It’s ok, we’re your friends, we’re not like the others.” He had a dopey expression across his face. I could tell Gonzo was frightening the poor girl, so to get him to shut up, I threatened “Enough of that talk or I’ll put the leeches on you, understand?” Gonzo simply giggled and fell back in his seat, passed out. I turned back to her, “Get in” I said with a cigarette tightly clenched in my mouth and gave her a big, toothy smile. She nervously entered the chariot and sat in the back seat. For the next five minutes, it was completely quiet. The silence was driving me crazy, so I turned around and attempted to strike up conversation with the young hitchhiker. Unfortunately, my brain was fogged and woozy from the LSD, I had no idea how loud or how quite I was talking, so to make sure she heard me I screamed at the top of my lungs “CAN YOU HEAR ME?!”
“Yes…” She squeaked, there was much fear in her eyes.
“ Good! My name is Duke, this is my attorney Gonzo” I said, nodding to the unconscious colt in the front seat. “What’s your name?” I asked, my voice now at an appropriate volume.
“My friends call me Derpy” She cheerfully said.
“Derpy huh? Interesting name. What brings you to Ponyville, Derpy?” I asked, trying to sound friendly
“I actually live there, you see I was out picking up these groceries” she nodded to her heavy saddle bags “and they were so heavy that I couldn’t fly right. It’s a good thing you guys came along or I would have had to walk all the way home.” She explained
“Well, glad to be of service. Can I get you something? Beer? Cider? Maybe some LSD?” I offered
“What was that last one?” Derpy questioned
“Cider” I said nonchalantly.
“It’s always nice to meet a local. I’m actually a reporter, here to report the Running of the Leaves” I said, trying to change the subject
“Neat!” Derpy exclaimed “I’ve never met a reporter before, can I be in your article?” She asked, her crossed eyes stared into mine
“Well…” I said
All of a sudden Gonzo woke up, and began screaming “GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF! AAHHHHHH!” He probably having a bad trip. Derpy meanwhile, had enough of our strange, drug induced antics. She jumped out of the chariot to escape, she flapped her wings like mad to stay aloft with her heavy bags.
“Thanks for the ride fellas!” She called uneasily.
“Hey wait!” I called after her. I couldn’t blame her, I would have jumped out of a moving vehicle too if I had gotten in a chariot with a couple of weirdoes such as ourselves. Gonzo continued his screaming until I reached over and smacked him across the face. “Nothing is on you, dumbass” I huffed.
Gonzo fully came to his senses “Oh… I’m sorry man, I was having this dream were I was all covered in ants.”
“Yeah? Well your dream scared off poor Derpy! Just when I was beginning to enjoy her company to!” I grumbled
“Here let me make it up to you…” He said and levitated the suitcase out from under the seat. He withdrew a small glass container, he levitated it over to me where I grabbed it with my own powers of levitation. “Take one drop of this and I guarantee you’ll feel better” he winked. I examined the glass vile.
“Dare I ask what this is?” I said inspecting the glowing green liquid inside.
“Oh just a little something-something I wiped up myself” He said proudly.
After seeing what the green fluid did to Gonzo, I was hesitant about taking it. Eventually I gave in and put a drop of the stuff on my tongue, it was obscenely sour.
“You’ll start feeln’ that in an hour” he warned
Soon we neared Ponyville. I thought this assignment would be a simple one, just report my findings and leave. Time would prove me dead wrong.