BERRYYYY PUNCH!

by Shakespearicles

Rating: mature
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2265

Berry Punch goes to the bar after work. All she wanted was a quiet evening of free booze.

Berry Punch goes to the bar after work. All she wanted was a quiet evening of free booze. What she gets, however, is a surprise drinking contest with the unlikeliest of opponents.

(Written on St. Patrick's Day under the extreme influence. Edited only for readability.)

Published 2013-03-19 05:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-19 05:50:02 UTC

F U I'm drunk!

So Berry Punch was sitting at the bar. No wait. She was at work. And then she left work. And THEN she went to the bar. She got out of work early because she was owed a favor. Don't ask what kind of favor.

Because it was a sexy favor. Giggity

So anyway Berry Punch was all like, "Deuces motherbuckers! I'm off like a prom dress!" And then she flipped everypony off with her hooves. They all looked at her like she was crazy. And then she realized that she didn't have middle fingers. And then she was all like, "If I had finger's I'd be flipping you one right now SO hard!" And they were all shocked and didn't understand what the hay she was talking about. But she didn't care because she couldn't lose her job because she was sleeping with the boss anyway. He liked her because she worked for minimum wage and she made his willy wiggle. OMG I can't believe I just said that.

So anyways, Berry ducked outta work early LIKE A BOSS! And she went to the bar to get her drink on with Hesh from SeaLab 2012 or something and he was all like, "Hesh is gonna get his drink on!" She did  not know who Hesh was but she liked him because like him, she was also going to get her drink on.

And she busted into the bar, with like a huge bucking kick and kicked the doors clean off the hinges. Like, she ran up to the doors of the bar and kicked them the hell in for no reason! And they exploded off the hinges and one went flying into the mirror behind the bar, smashing it and the other disappeared. Like, just vanished. Never seen again. BUT the story of the disappearing door is a whole other story for another time.

BERRY PUNCH: And the disappearing door.

So then Berry Punch walked into the bar and threw a nickle across the room. In Equestria a nickle is 5% of a bit. So she threw the nickle across the room and it went straight into the jukebox LIKE A BOSS!

'Smooth Criminal' by Michael Jackson comes on. but it was the 8 bit version from MoonWalker on the Sega Genesis.

Listening to the link will only enhance your experience.

Berry Punch waltzes right up to the bar and says, "Gimmie eight fingers of your finest whisky!" And the bartender looked at her like she was crazy. Lyra, who was sitting next to her scooted closer. Berry got a little pissed and laid one of her hoofs on it's side and placed another of her hoof on top of it in the same way. "Eight. Fingers. This much." she said, motioning to her hooves.

The bartender looked at her hooves and grabbed a really tall shot glass. It was more like a tall glass tube, the length of two hooves together. It looked more like a small flower vase. He placed it in front of her. He reached up and grabbed a bottle of the finest whiskey from the top shelf. It was very smooth, oak barrel aged whiskey from the best distillery in the land. It was a fine sipping whiskey. Usually reserved for weddings, and new fathers. He filled the tall shot glass in front of her. No sooner than he finished filling it did she grab it and slam it just as hard as she could swallow.

"You know, for a C-note worth of whiskey, you're drinking that awfully fast."

She said, "You would too if you only had three bits in your pocket." She said with a wry smirk as she smacked the empty shooter on the bar triumphantly.

The barkeep was about to leap across the bar, but his retributive assault was stayed by a new presence. Princess Celestia kicked at the empty air where the doors would normally be. She looked at the busted hinges. "Who broke these doors?"

Berry Punch raised her hand proudly, "I DID!" as everypony else around her knelled like little worms. Celestia walked right up to her and kissed her on the mouth. WITH HER LIPS! It was so hot! You should have been there!

Celestia was all like, "I was going to kick those doors in and order a whole lot of whiskey!"

and Berry Punch said, "I already did!"

Celestia looked around the room. She saw that one of the doors was kicked into the mirror. and the other disappeared. But that's another story!

BERRY PUNCH: And the disappearing door.

Celestia sat down next to Berry Punch. On the other side. Because Lyra was still on the other side because Berry said the word fingers and Lyra had a huge female-boner for anything having to do with fingers, or hands, or humans. She was kind of weird. but that was another story.

Anthropology

So anyway, Celestia sits down at the bar next to Berry Punch. She looked at the empty shot glass. It was wicked tall, like it could hold eight ounces. She asked, "You slammed all that in one go?"

Berry looked at her like she was some kind of dumb pony. "Pfft! Buck yeah! I'm a hundred and eighty pounds of pure athleticism. I can recycle alcohol with impunity!" She said all cocksure!

"PROVE IT!" Celestia said with slanted eyes.

The bartender stepped in. "Your Majesty, if I may. This mare has not paid for her drink, and has already admitted she has not the means to pay for it or further drinks!"

Celestia pulled a huge bag of bits from her satchel, laying it on the counter. "Why don't you go ahead and close early and give us two more of these!" she said pointing at the comically over-sized shooter glass.

"But your highness, it is only five thirty." he said a bit sheepishly.

Celestia glared at him. "Did my voice go up? Because that wasn't a request! SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN!" her voice boomed. her horn flared to life, the sun plummeted out of the sky, leaving the outside pitch black. "I say it's last call!"

The barkeep sheepishly placed a second, tall shooter in front of the sun regent. he filled each of them with the fine whiskey, carefully pulling the very large bag of bits away. Celestia slams hers in an instant. "GRRRAHHH. YEAH! Gimmie another!" the princess commanded. He filled her tall shooter again. "There. Are we even then?"

Berry nodded. She raised her glass. The Princess brought hers out to meet the purple mare's. "What shall we toast to?"

"FUCK YOU! I'll drink you under the table you candy-ass pretty pink princess!" Berry yelled, slamming the expensive whiskey. The gauntlet had been laid down. Celestia could never resist a challenge.

"Oh it. Is. ON!" she answered, pounding her own shot. Celestia drank hers only a fraction slower. Even in her alcohol addled state, Berry noticed this detail.

"HA!" Berry jeered in her face. "You drink like a little bitch!" She went in for the kill. "I bet Luna would be ruling right now if you didn't get your little Twilight to save the world for you... again!"

Celestia was enraged! "Barkeep! Two more!" He cautiously filled each of the shooters again. Celestia slammed hers in an instant. She swallowed it just as fast as you could pour it on the ground.

There are five stages of drinking.

1. Social drinking. Whereupon one sips at a glass of champagne and the like to be social. At a wedding for instance.

2. Happy Drinking. You just got a promotion and you are celebrating. Or something similarly positive.

3. Depressed Drinking. Your very special somepony just left you and you need to douse the flames of rejection.

4. Angry Drinking. You just lost your job/ girlfriend to your hated nemesis. Putting the flames out with gasoline!

5. Competitive Drinking. DRINKING FOR DRINKING'S SAKE! IN IT TO WIN IT! OR DIE TRYING!

Celestia skipped straight from stage two to stage five! Berry had called her out on her ability to rule as the supreme being of the land. Berry was hot on her trail, drinking her own rapidly. They had each at this point consumed twelve drinks in as many minutes. The combined awesomeness of everything had cause all the other patrons to flee. Save for one, Lyra. She sat behind Berry, cheering her one. Silently wishing for her to talk more about fingers, or hands, or humans, because she is a one dimensional caricature of a pony obsessed with one thing... And then Berry Punch drank more!

After like, seventeen shots in a row, they were each pretty smashed. Celestia wrapped her hoof around Berry. "Why do we gotta fight like this? I love you so much!"

Lyra was all like, "Ew, gay!"

And then she turned around and kissed Bon Bon. On the lips! Oh wait, did I mention that Bon Bon was still there? Because that's kind of important. But yeah, she kissed Bon Bon on the lips. Because she's so far in the closet she's finding Hearth's Warming Eve presents.

Now I know what you're thinking dear reader. You're thinking, "LOL there is no gift exchange on hearth warming eve." To which I answer, "It's Hearth's Warming Eve! In all capitals because it's a legitimate holiday in Equestria. And if I can fool my boss into thinking it's a legit religious holiday then it's a real thing! And there WAS a gift exchange in the episode! The gift of friendship!" And then you're all like, "K, maybe, but Lyra isn't gay, that's totally gay!" to which I say... "You're gay! you bigot!"

So anyways, Celestia and Berry are totally making out because they're at that special kind of drunk where they just want to make out with everypony. It's that special drunk right before they want to fight everypony. So anyways, they forgot about the whole drinking competition, so they got a couple of girly drinks. It's like, straight Malibu on the rocks or something weak like that.

So their drinking that like its water because at that point, the straight whisky has killed all the nerves in their mouth and throat. So they cant feel anything. Celestia looks at all the empty glasses in front of Berry and comperes them to her own. Waaay back at the beginning of all this, Celestia decreed that none of the empties be taken away so that they may keep score. She could count, in her drunken state, that she was way behind. She took this as a direct threat.

Black Betty came on the Jukebox.

"You think yer better 'n me?" Celestia slurred aggressively.

"Yeah, kinda." Berry answered with all honesty.

Celestia answered with the most witty response she could muster. She punched Berry right in the mouth with her hoof, knocking her to the floor. Berry hit the floor with a sickening slam! She laughed hysterically!

"HA HA HA HA!"

Celestia instantly leaped upon her, "You think this is funny?"

"OH it's a panic! HA HA HA HA!" Berry spouted. Celestia wound up another punch.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"That's right your highness, let it all out!"

PUNCH! "Get out of my bar! I own this! All of this! All of you!"

"Come on Princess, I really like this place! HA HA HA HA"

SLAM!

"HO HO HO!"

PUNCH!

"HA HAAA!"

Celestia headbutted her with her heavy, golden crown.

"Ohhh..." Berry groaned as her blood filled her broken nose.

"Sick freak." Celestia mumbled, walking away victoriously. Berry jumped from the floor, tackling the princess, pinning her on her back, straddling her chest, bringing her bloody face inches away from hers.

"You don't know where I've been princess. YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!" Berry screamed, shaking her head, splattering Celestia with blood.

"GAH! Fine! You win! Just get off me! Uncle!" Celestia begged, praying she didn't catch pony AIDS from this crazy lunatic.

"Swear to me Celestia. I want your word. I am the better pony!" Berry demanded, dripping arterial blood onto her highness.

"I swear by the elements, that you are the greatest drinker in all of Equestria!" Celestia cried out.

Berry crawled off of Celestia. The princess scurried to her feet and staggered out of the broken entrance as fast as she could, flying crookedly back to the safety of her castle as fast as she could.

Berry rose to her hooves. She sat herself back at the bar. "OI! barkeep! Another!" She commanded, pointing at her tall whiskey shooter. He cautiously approached, showing all deference. He filled her glass with reverence.

"On the house." He said as he filled it, backing away, still bowing.

Lyra was at her hooves. Her lower hooves. Kissing them. Berry kicked her away. "Ew, gay!" Bon Bon was pissed because Lyra was kissing somepony else. But she won back Lyra's affections by tricking her into thinking that she was somepony else because she has like, a hundred different voices. It was like, her super special talent. She just had Bon Bons as her cutie mark just to fuck with ponies. Just like she does with her voice.

A blue hoof slammed on the bar.

"We hath heard that thou thinks that thou art the greatest drinker in the land. Thus we challenge thee!"

Berry regarded the new princess with a sideways glance with one of her cooperative eyes.

"Well, I'm already like sixteen deep so..."

"SO, you yield then!?" Luna asked, expectantly.

Berry pounded the drink in front of her. "Bring it!"