Solteronas

Solteronas

Celestia , immortal ruler of the land and goddess of the sun, political genius and accomplished writer, the lady of eternal beauty and mother to us all. She who is perfect in almost any regard got a problem, one that she hides well, her little secret which is kept buried and hidden. She is single, has been for almost five thousand years.

There are two things Celestia hates, neither of which is a dark abomination who wants to eat her ponies. One is Mondays, that thrice damned day at the beginning of the week, the stupid “fun is over” honk of society that fills the castle to the brim with ponies who also hate Mondays, strained “nice to see you”s  which in reality say “I would kill you right here, right now  if it added some hours to my weekend. You and your family” . One time when Celestia was feeling specially in a not Monday kind of mood she made the sun go slower so the weekend would last five more hours, this lead to the over accumulation of sunlight in the earth crust which ended up being expulsed in very unsightly fashion, two volcano eruptions. When asked about this particular incident Celestia said “it was worth it and you know it”. This hate of Mondays must not be confused with laziness, on the contrary Celestia is a hard working mare, a “crazy workaholic insane wretch who if left unchecked would increase the working hours to insanity ” as her sister, five times winner of the “most priced” bachelorette  of the year, princess Luna would say.

Celestia hate of Mondays is different to that of other ponies (recent polls say that Monday is indeed the most hated day of the week, followed by Wednesday with a whopping 1% of the votes) she does not hate having to “go back to work” but seeing other ponies going “back to work” and finally see them working “half assly” (the royal academy of the pony tongue says that “assly” is indeed a word which indicates the doing of an action in an ass kind of way, do not confuse with donkely which got an entirely different meaning. The inclusion of this word into the royal dictionary followed an embarrassing incident where the prime minister wrote a letter to his wife but sent it to the wrong address, after that the Pegasus who was delivering the message got sidetracked and ended up delivering the letter one week late. The letter ended up in a small chalet near Fillydelphia which at the time was being used by Celestia as her little vacationing home, and one month later when the princess went to get a little rest there, she found the letter and read.

“To my most beloved:

My love for you burns deeper than the sun and I long for nothing but to see you, but the distance that separates us is bigger than the seas. I only want you to know that even if we can’t be together my heart beats only for you, my winged princess

Always yours, your eternal lover”

Her heart aflutter she wrote a reply at the back of the letter stating that she also felt the same way and damned be the consequences with rather passionate words and sent it back to the sender address, the prime minister office. Three days later when the prime minister checked his mail he found the letter and without checking its back thought the delivery failed and it got sent back, he checked the address and realized he had wrote it wrong, he corrected it putting his wife´s and left the letter to be send. Three weeks later an emissary from Neighpon arrived at the castle with three hundred attendees, it was Tender Love the prime minister wife whom he met during his work as ambassador, she got a private meeting with the princess which being for an official foreign ambassador also included her prime minister. The meeting to say the least was awkward, Tender Love jumped into Celestia and screamed her love, told her she wanted to get married right there, that their love had her country backing and that her original marriage to “that dumb stallion” was only political and that she never actually loved him, not any stallion for that matter. Celestia stood frozen for almost ten minutes trying to understand the situation. Finally when everything was explained and the truth of the matter stated Celestia said

“So everyone does everything in such a half assed way like the little asses they are and here I stand like the biggest ass of them all sitting on my ass after working my ass of all day getting all the bullshit thrown at me by all those asses including mine. This is such a convoluted bullshit were everybody including me is left standing like an ass at our own stupidity.

This is such an assly day.”

She stood up and left. Later when the whole thing got out the royal academy of pony tongue had no choice but to agree that “assly” was the only way to describe the day and as such was added to the word compendium. That and the donkey republic of Burro cutting all ties with Equestria offended at such usage of the word ass).

The second thing Celestia hates is birthdays, birthdays are like reading a Harry Potter book, the first time you are young and they are great, later they are good, then normal, then boring, then dreaded. Now imagine reading Harry Potter five thousand times, is almost as bad as reading Twilight.

And as such today was an auspicious day, it was Monday and it was Celestia birthday.

She entered the throne room, completely oblivious of what was coming, she sat and looked over the palace personnel, there were guards and maids, ambassadors and ministers and all sort of onlookers waiting for her day court to begin. She took a deep breath and just as she was going to open court, all the lights went off.

Assassination attempt was the first thought to cross her mind but she remained calm, the guards could take care of it and the night guard could see in the dark anyway (contrary to popular belief the guards are not named after their work hours but to that of their supreme commanders, aka the princess they respond to. And as such the night guard does work during the day and the day guard, or sun guard as they call themselves because day guard does not sound as grandiose, can work after nightfall. There is also the love guard who respond to princess cadence but since they armor is pink and being called a guardian of love is not pleasant for most military man there is only one guard being employed there. ). The second thought was slightly more alarming, an ancient evil is coming back from that time a thousand year ago when all evil was kind of imprisoned, can’t do much about it without seeing what evil comes knocking now and since evil likes exposition she relaxes and waits.

The third and last thought is downright terrifying, the newly appointed princess Twilight Sparkle , officially princess of wisdom (unofficially princess of blark), was trying to kill her or imprison her or banish her and take over her kingdom or destroy the word or dissect her or force her into loving her(in the equestrian tongue there are exactly sixteen synonyms to “her” ,six of which were used on the last sentence showing a masterful usage of vocabulary and writing prowess and not a lazy attitude towards attribution, sadly this is lost on the translation. There are no synonyms to the word him because there are never enough stallions in the same room to warrant it  ).

Taking into consideration that Twilight is the most powerful magician to have ever existed she just resigned herself to her fate and wondered if the lavender mare would make her happy.

Five seconds later the lights came back. Reality was far worse than she imagined, before her stood, creepy smiles on their faces, hundreds of ponies, all of the castle personal and their families, it was a surprise birthday party.

The party can be summed up like this “Hi my name is _____, happy birthday princess –joke about family, food or worse, age-” (the most funny ones will be released in a separate book along with Luna´s complete speech of which an extract can be read inside the temple of Pie, holy ground for all things hilarious and pilgrimage destiny for comedians and party aficionados ) “this is my beloved –wife/husband- and my –son/daughter-, -polite goodbye-” about two hundred times.

When the princess arrived to her room she was exhausted and very sad, is not as she did not enjoy the party, it was a nice gesture but it appeared she was the only mare in the world completely alone, in a romantic kind of way, when was the last time she had an intimate moment with any pony?.

She sat on her bed and then a strange music started playing, slow and deep and very relaxing. Her closet door opened up slowly and out came a stallion, “the stallion”, he approached her following the rhythm. Mere inches away from her, he stopped, he stood on his hind legs and skillfully removed one of his socks, a pure silk white piece of cloth that clashed with his pure alabaster coat, and threw it at her face.

Celestia was red, any redder and a new color would have been created, but she was not mad, far from it. If she could not have love, a little entertainment on the side would not hurt. And she watched the stallion dance, and closer he crept, and closer until she could feel his breath on her face. He leaned in and put his muzzle on her shoulder and started breathing in, slowly as in trying to make the moment last forever. By this moment Celestia was mad with anticipation and her mind started to overdrive thinking about all she would do with this stallion and how much she loved her sister for this (princess Luna was the only pony alive with the gall to set this up), all this was cut short by a sniffle from her shoulder.

The stallion drew back and looked at her with tears on his eyes, “I can´t do it, this is wrong, I can´t.  I have been asking you to bless my table and ward my dream since I was a colt. I can´t do this” he turned around and bolted for the door fleeing the scene.

She had sent a stripper crying away from her. This was the nail on the coffin.

Later that night when princess Twilight was going back to her room she heard a soft crying coming from Celestia´s room, worried she went in to check on her.

They spoke at length and Twilight listened to her problems and tried what she could to make her feel better ( many years later when asked about this situation the princess said “at that time I had this crazy crush on princess Celestia, it took a whole lot of self-control and a half an hour long cold water shower to not take advantage of her”) on her way out she said. “And princess, is not as if you are the only mare with bad luck on stallion in equestrian. Heck I can name a few of the top of my head if you want, let me see. For one Berry Punch, a daughter, father ran off, at least she is rich. Then there is Carrot Top, there was this rumor about her and carrots and no stallion comes near two meters of her now. My friend Fluttershy , so timid and meek she is treated like porcelain, everybody watches her but no one dares coming near for fear of breaking it, that and the whole friend of all the scary animals and the god of chaos who enslaved Equestria for a thousand years make her sad and die thing. The mayor who since she sent her last coltfriend to jail for evading taxes is feared as a femme fatale. And finally Derpy, two daughters and her husband goes off and dies leaving them alone, and if her daughters were not enough detriment her eyes are a little scary so no stallion has ever gone near her. Relax princess you´ll find your special somepony you´ll know what to do ” and in a puff of exposition she left the room.

That night Philomena took off from the princess balcony carrying four letters to Ponyville.