Why me?

by stikchan3

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 1797

I'm a nice person. I pay my bills and I even let someone live in my house rent free. So why?

What do you think of when you hear the words, 'worst case scenario'? What comes to my mind is this. Naked cartoon woman appearing in my bathroom, fighting a clone of myself while my roommate fights one of him, finding a way to send the aforementioned cartoon girls back home, dealing with messed up timelines, a convoluted plot, deus ex machina's, finding out one of my OC's is real, losing my Game of Thrones shirt and a supreme lack of bacon.
Welcome to the introduction to Daniel and myselves adventure to send cartoon girls home. Sit down grab a snack and strap in tight. It's gonna be one hell of a ride.

Authors notes: A Shameless self insert. Ponies are completely human aside from cutie marks. I'll add characters and tags as this continues. Constructive criticism is welcome but please no outright flaming.

Published 2013-03-18 15:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-18 15:00:01 UTC

Excuse me, there is a pony in my house!

“RAISE THIS BARN RAISE THIS BARN! 1.2.3.4! TOGETHER WE CAN RAISE THIS BARN! 1.2.3.4!” My alarm blared obnoxiously, drawing me from the wonderful embrace of sleep.

“Begone foul beast!” I yelled slamming my hand on top of the alarms snooze button.
“Someone’s grumpy.” Came a comment from the other side of my futon.
“Yeah well your face.”
“Wow so witty and so unbelievably deep.” He chuckled, with fake admiration in his tone.
I buried my head in my pillow. “Shut up.”
He pushed me out of the futon. “You promised to take me to your work today to see if I could get a job.”
“I also promised that I would kill you if you tampered with my alarm.” I deadpanned.
“Later. Now get up.”
I continued my complaints regardless. “AWWW!! But it’s like….. Do you have the time?”
“7:30.” He said after taking a quick glance at his watch.
“It’s like 7:30! On Sunday! I don’t even do exercise on Sundays!” To me that was a valid excuse. I exercised every day except Sunday. Sunday is sleep-in-till-noon-and-play-TF2 day! Everyone knows that!
“I can make your life miserable.” He threatened.
“I can kick you out of my house.” I shot back.
“Touché.”
Even through all my arguing, I knew I was still going to take him. I did make a promise and Jacob Eveleigh doesn’t break promises.
Often.
“You know I don’t work on Sunday’s right?”
“You don’t?”
“No, no I don’t.”
In response Daniel gave me a sad look. “But it is still open for application on Sunday.”
He fist pumped the air. “YES! I knew that being a voice actor would pay off in the end!”
“Calm down there, you don’t have the job yet. Oh and if you want, I can vouch for your skills. After all you’re the only voice actor/impressionist/singer that I’ve heard of.” Daniel was pretty multi-talented. He had pretty bad luck with jobs though, hence why he asked me for help.

I found him after I put out an ad asking for someone who was willing to do a couple songs. For free. Bad decision? Yes. Should’ve offered money? Yes. But did I get a good friend out of it and someone willing to ‘work’ for ‘free’? Yes, yes I did.
Eventually we became the best of friends. A couple months after this though, he couldn’t keep up with his rent and was given the boot. As soon as I heard, I told him he could live with me on two conditions: One, he works for free whenever I ask him to. Two, he gets a real job and helps with bills and groceries.

You might say that it’s a dick move, but I don’t get paid as much as I would like to and if I have another person living here then they need to hold up their end of the bargain. Oh and in the middle of all this I managed to convert him to the herd.
Let’s just say that if I had a cutie mark, it would be a silver tongue. Think about that.
If you’re curious as to my job, I’m an animator and compose my own music. I’m damn good at it to. Actually I’m only good because I’ve been doing it for about ten years. You know the ten thousand hour theory? Yeah that. It’s something that I’ve done for a long time and it’s one of my favourite things to do. Besides gaming, reading, watching MLP and fanboying. So that’s our backstory. Well some of it. I don’t really know the rest of Daniels (I didn’t ask) and I don’t want to talk about the rest of mine.

“So, when do we leave?” Daniel asked.
“How fast can you get ready?”
Getting the hint, he took off to prepare. I just put on my Luna shirt and some jeans. I made some coffee while I waited for him to finish. He came downstairs after a few minutes.

“Dude, why are you wearing a suit and tie?”
“Is Doctor Who an acceptable answer?” He asked, straightening his tie and shooting me a smug look.
“No. Doctor Who is not an acceptable answer.”
“I wanted to look my best.”
“You do know this job is really casual and you will most likely be working here more than actually going to work. They send the work to you. It’s called a virtual work environment. Cool idea if you ask me.”
“I’m still wearing the suit.”
“I do not understand you at all.”
“I do like to keep you in the dark.”
“Vice versa.”
He began to laugh but stopped when he saw I was dead serious.
“Shall we leave?” I asked.
“You scare me sometimes.” He shook his head and stepped outside towards my car.
“Good. Makes you afraid to step out of line.” I chuckled grimly at my dark sense of humour.
/
I dropped him off at my work and left after putting in some good words to my boss. Daniel didn’t seem to care that he was walking home. The very second I got home I went to take a nap but stopped when I heard a noise coming from the bathroom.

“Dafuq was that?” I walked to the bathroom door and placed my ear on it. I could hear shuffling and someone mumbling.
I took a moment to decide from confronting the person or calling the cops.

Maybe it wasn’t the smartest decision to confront a possible thief who could have years of training. But I had years of training as well, I could definitely handle myself in a fight. Even if my style is a bit……. Unorthodox.
I pushed open the door and was greeted by the sight of a tall naked woman with midnight blue hair fiddling with my toothbrush. She had large ‘assets’ as it were. Aside from that she was actually rather plain. She turned to look at me and seemed rather angry.
“I give you one chance and one chance only. You leave my house now, I don’t call the cops and I pretend this never happened. If you refuse I will be forced to act.” I tried to keep my voice steady. But let’s face it, if you had a naked woman standing in your bathroom for no apparent reason you would be hard pressed to stay calm.

“You will act!?” She asked incredulously. “I am Princess Luna and you will do nothing!” She yelled.

“Your choice.” I shrugged and walked up to her calmly. She raised her hand as if to strike me but before she could ever hit me I (For lack of better term) backhand/pimp slapped her with enough force to knock her out cold.
I smiled at the prone body lying on my bathroom floor.

“Wait did she say Princess Luna?”
/
It took me half an hour to carry her up the stairs and find enough rope to tie her to the bed. (Yes I know I sleep in a futon. I find a futon more comfortable then a bed. It’s Daniel who sleeps in the bed.)
I sat down on the bed she was lying on.

“Can I ask you a question?” Of course she was knocked out so there was no response. “I suppose I just did didn’t I?” I chuckled. “There I go again. I’ll cut to the chase then. How are you still knocked out?” Again, no answer.
‘Shit! Did I kill her?!’ I checked her pulse. ‘Oh thank god it’s still there.’

Silence filled the room for a while.
“I should probably tell Daniel about this.”

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through my contacts list until I found the one named ‘Foolish Mortal’. I tapped the name and waited for Daniel to pick up.

“Hey! How’d you know I just got out of the interview!?” A cheery voice came from the other end.
“Luck. I assume you got the job?”
“Yeah! He said they needed someone exactly like me! Isn’t it great!?”
“Yep, good for you.”
“Oh no! What happened?!”
“How could you tell?”
“You’re using the ‘Shit just went down and I’m trying to stay calm’ voice.’ That’s how.”
“It’d be easier to show you but I can’t come pick you up and I don’t know how long she’ll be out for.”
“She?”
“Long version or short?”
“Short.”
“I found a naked woman in the bathroom and knocked her out. I then tied her to the bed.”
“You’re fucking insane!”
“Wait listen!”
“I don’t know if I want to!”
“I was going to call the cops but something about her made me tie her down instead.”
“That would be?”
“I think I knocked out best princess.”
“YOU DID WHAT?!”
“She’s human but claims to be Luna. I’m inclined to agree with her.”
“Please refer to my previous statement about you being insane.”
“I can’t disprove her! Have you ever seen anyone with midnight blue hair?!”
“Not naturally.”
“Well this definitely looks natural.”
“Does she have her cutie mark?”
“I’ll check.” I put down my phone and loosened the ropes around Luna. Or who I had assumed was Luna.

“If there was any time to wake up, now wouldn’t be it.” I mumbled while I turned her over.
It took me a moment to find it. Yep there it was. Crescent moon inside a black blob. I let her roll back and re-tightened the ropes.

I picked up the phone again. “Yep it’s there.”
“Is it a tattoo?”
“Doesn’t look like it.”
“…….”
“What?”
“Send me a picture of her.”
“What!? How can you be thinking of that at a time like this?!”
“What? I wanna see her!”
“She’s naked!”
“You didn’t give her clothes?!”
“Oh I’m sorry that I forgot about clothes after I knocked out the Princess of the fucking night and tied her to your bed!”
“Wow sheesh so much negativity.”
“Are you fucking kidding me!? If anything now is the time to be negative!”
“Look at the bright side; you have a naked Luna in your house. Most would kill for that.”

I sighed in resignation. Daniel was the kind of guy that you could put on a deserted island and he would say ‘Gee thanks! Civilisation always bothered me and I’ve always wanted to go on a tropical vacation!’

“Take the bus home.” I told him in a forced calm tone.
“So is that a yes on the picture?”
“You are two seconds away from dying.”
“Shutting up.”
“Seeya soon then.” I ended the call and sat back down on the bed.

“What did I do to deserve this?”

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed, now onto finishing the chapters for my other stuff!