Yet Another Human In Equestria Story

Chapters

Chapter 1: June 20, The Mare in the Moon
Chapter 2: June 21, The Elements of Harmony
Chapter 3: June 25-26, Griffon the Brush-Off
Chapter 4: June 27, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
Chapter 5: June 30, The Lost World
Chapter 6: July 10, Boast Busters
Chapter 7: July 17/18, Bridle Gossip
Chapter 8: July 24, The Ticket Master
Chapter 9: July 30, Dragonshy
Chapter 10: August 2-4, Over a Barrel
Chapter 11: August 7, 12, Applebuck Season
Chapter 12: August 15, Feeling Pinkie Keen
Chapter 13: August 18-19, Active Exploits
Chapter 14: August 23, Call of the Cutie
Chapter 16: September 7/8, Swarm of the Century
Chapter 17: September 14-15, Suited for Success
Chapter 18: September 21-22, Fall Weather Friends
Chapter 19: October 2, A Dog and Pony Show
Chapter 20: October 9, A Bird in the Hoof
Chapter 21: October 16/17, Stare Master+
Chapter 22: October 21, Sonic Rainboom
Chapter 23: October 22, Brightly Burning
Chapter 24: October 31, Fantasmagoriana
Chapter 25: November 20, The Moons of Mirrodin
Chapter 26: December 10-11, Owls Well That Ends Well
Chapter 27: December 24-25, A Christmas Story
Chapter 28: January 16, The Purifying Fire
Chapter 29: February 13, The Cutie Mark Chronicles
Chapter 30: March 20, Winter Wrap Up
Chapter 31: May 2-3, Party of One
Chapter 32: May 13, Test of Metal
Chapter 34: May 25; 28, The Show Stoppers
Prologue: June 19, Stranger In A Strange Land
Chapter 15: August 30-September 1, Green Isn't Your Color
Chapter 33: May 21, The Best Night Ever

Chapter 1: June 20, The Mare in the Moon

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 1: June 20, The Mare in the Moon

I awoke on the floor of Pinkie's room as she bounced around the room, gathering supplies. As soon as she noticed that I was awake, she zipped over to me, getting right in my face.

“You were right!” she practically shouted. “I was just walking along the road and I saw this purple unicorn with a baby dragon next to her and when she said 'hi' I realized she was new in town and if she was new in town she didn't have any friends and then I remembered that you said that Twilight would be here today and I realized that that was probably her and so she would need friends and I was just getting my party supplies and invitations together to invite the rest of my friends to the library where she can meet them and become friends with us!”

I blinked repeatedly in the wake of her breathless tirade and smiled shakily. “So, I take it that you've got the party planned properly?”

“Nice alliteration! Normally, I do the whole thing myself, but since you're here, I can pass out the invitations while you can set up the party!”

“I don't know, Pinkie. I'm not much of a party person, remember? How about you give me a route to pass out invites along, and I'll take care of that while you set things up? If you just met Twilight, then she's probably at Sweet Apple Acres right now, or soon enough.”

“Ooh, you know her schedule for the day?”

“Sort of. After meeting you the first time, she goes to Applejack's and gets persuaded by Apple Bloom's cuteness to stay for lunch. After that, she runs into Rainbow Dash, or rather, Dash runs into her, and they talk for all of a half-minute, if that. Then she goes to meet Rarity at the Town Hall, before being dragged to the Boutique for a quick make-over. Then she tries to talk to Fluttershy about her bird choir, but doesn't get much more than squeaks until Spike shows up. They end their journey at the library.”

“So she'll be there even if I don't give her an invite?”

“Right.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” She turned her head over her shoulder and when she turned back there was a map in her mouth. She didn't even have her saddlebags on yet, she just pulled the map out of thick air. I reached forward and took the map, a green line already outlined along a path of buildings. She then grabbed her saddlebags, already full of supplies, and pulled out a page of sheet music. “Know how to sing?”

“Music runs in the family. Dad's even got his own local-area band with two of his buddies: '3 Husbands on the Loose.' My sight-reading's a bit rusty, but I'm sure it's just like falling off a bicycle.” Pinkie's head cocked ninety degrees. I chuckled. “As a bit of a joke, I purposely mangle common sayings. I also tend to purPUSely put the emPHAsis on the wrong syLAble.”

Pinkie giggled and skipped off, going to prepare the library for Twilight's Welcome Party/Summer Sun's Eve Party. I took a moment to read over the music, finding a miniature keyboard in Pinkie's room to find the key. After a few repetitions to make sure I had the funny little melody down, I headed out to the first house on the circuit.

I knocked on the door, and the first pony I greeted was Lyra. I began singing in bass as soon she opened the door.

o/This invitation's from Pinkie Pie, from her to me to you/ We're having a party for the new mare in town, a wonderful to-do/ If you stick around long enough we'll see something new/ For tomorrow's the Summer Sun Celebration, the thousandth one, it's true!/ So stop by the library and join us all in cheering with a great whoo-hoo~!o/

I bowed at the end of the song, and she applauded in that pony way of stomping her hooves on the ground. As soon as she promised to be there, and to pass along the message, I waved to her and went on to the next house.

After the first five houses, I needed to take a break and get a drink of water before I could continue singing. Maybe I should introduce Pinkie to the idea of written invitations early. After resting my voice and legs for a few minutes, I started in on the other fifteen houses. The line ended at the the words “These ponies are good at spreading the word. We'll have plenty of party-goers to make up for you, so join us at the library when you're done!”

Another two hours or so later, I had delivered the message to all the houses on the map, and saw a few of those I had passed by already spreading the news. Walking for almost two hours and singing at regular intervals had tired me out pretty well, but I was still able to get to the library easily enough.

As I arrived, I saw Pinkie firing off her party cannon at the table in the centre of the room. A shower of confetti scattered across the floor as a tablecloth not only landed on the table, but spread itself around the unicorn totem centerpiece without disturbing it. She pulled out a ball of streamers and turned to stuff it into the cannon when I spoke up.

“How do you always manage to break physics like that?”

She looked at me, confused for a moment, before I gestured at the tablecloth. She giggled at that before firing the cannon at the ceiling, spreading the streamers across the room.

“I'll do anything for my friends,” she smiled. “Even if they hardly know me. Sometimes, ponies tell me that what I do is impossible, but if it was impossible, how could I do it?”

I smiled back at her. Pinkie didn't not know something was impossible, she just refused to believe that something was impossible if her friends needed her to do it. “So, need a hand with the set-up?” I said, holding out my hands.

“Nah. Actually, you could help me grab the food when I'm done here. I could get it all myself, but one trip would be better than two or three.”

“Thanks.” I moved off to the side as Pinkie continued making the library party-friendly and pulled out a book entitled “Petriculture: The Growing of Stone.” Oddly appropriate considering my company. It was interesting stuff, actually. Despite being called “rock farms,” they were more like jewel farms. Most of the stones were actually geodes of one kind or another, and depending on the quality of the farm (the Pie farm was actually listed as one of the highest quality), the jewels from the geodes could be used in anything from basic jewelry and decoration to magical foci and specially enchanted amulets.

I was only halfway into the book when Pinkie tapped me on the shoulder.

“I've been trying to get your attention for a few minutes now,” she said, head cocked.

“Sorry, when I get into a book I sometimes tune out the world around me. That actually got me in trouble once at school.” We headed out the door and walked to Sugarcube Corner, where we gathered a few boxes of cupcakes, some drinks, and some condiments. I had, in fact, tried the hot-sauce-cupcake thing at my party the night before, and it wasn't bad. The sweet and spice created an interesting dichotomy and the baked goods of Sugercube Corner were excellent on their own.

Not long after we finished setting up, the ponies started filtering in through the door, Pinkie greeting each one by name as they arrived. I wish I had anywhere near as good a memory for practically anything as she did for names. I browsed the shelves again and grabbed a book on weather management this time before sitting down.

While reading this book, I made sure I was only half-paying attention to it, so that I could keep track of the party. It was a bit annoying, because I wound up losing my spot on the page repeatedly as something happened nearby that would draw my attention. Eventually, the stream of ponies seemed to stop (though there was the occasional straggler), and Pinkie let everyone know that this was going to be a surprise party.

After no one further arrived at the library, Pinkie gestured and everypony who was standing near a light put it out. It wasn't dark enough that I couldn't keep reading, but I shelved the book and knelt beside one of the ponies whose names I didn't catch, so as to stay out of sight.

There was a thump outside. “Aw, wook at that! He's so sweepy he can't even keep his wittwe bawance!” Twilight cooed.

“Poor thing. We simply must get him to bed!” Fluttershy replied, before flying into the library. Immediately after, Twilight popped in and took Spike from her before pushing her out the door.

“We'll get right on that. Well, good night!” In the dim light, I saw Pinkie seem to flicker and disappear, before popping back up in a different spot with Fluttershy beside her.

“Rude much?” Spike muttered.

“Sorry, Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming and we're running out of time. I just need to be alone so that I can study without a bunch of crazy ponies trying to make friends all the time.” She certainly failed her Spot Check. “Now, where's the lights?”

And with that, the lights came back on and everyone cried out “Surprise!” I stood up as I said it, but my attempts to get Twilight's attention were stymied by Pinkie popping up in her face.

“Surprise! Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were ya? Huh huh huh?”

“Very surprised. Libraries are supposed to be quiet.” Twilight complained.

“That's silly. What kind of welcome party would this be if it were quiet?”

“Well, for one, it'd be easier to chat,” I commented, approaching them.

“But it'd be so boring!” Pinkie replied. Twilight, however, backed up a few steps.

“What are you?” she gasped.

“I'm a human, and Pinkie's friend. Name's Joe. How're you enjoying Ponyville?”

“Uh, well-”

“Joe's only been here a day and he already feels at home! I threw him his party last night.” Pinkie interrupted.

“I-”

“I mean when I saw you walking into town and you said 'hi' and I realized Joe was right and you were here, but since you were new in town, you didn't have any friends here and that made me so sad and that's when I had an idea, and that's why I went *GASP*. I'd just throw a super-duper spectacular welcome party and invite everyone in Ponyville!”

As Pinkie ran her mouth, Twilight walked over to the refreshments table and began pouring herself a goblet of hot sauce. Just as canon.

“And now you have lots and lots of friends!” Pinkie cheered. Twilight flinched at the proclamation before turning around with a reddened face and tears forming in her eyes.

“Are you okay, sugarcube?” asked Applejack. I jumped a little, since I didn't see her coming. Though I should have remembered that everyone gathered around as she drank that.

Just before she jumped away, I spoke up. “Milk helps with spicy foods.” But my advice fell on deaf ears as she ran upstairs.

“Aw, she's so happy she's crying.”

“Not quite, Pinkie. Some people can't handle spicy foods.” I said, as Spike examined the bottle of hot sauce. Pinkie used the bottle on a cupcake while I grabbed another cupcake and dipped it in Twilight's abandoned goblet. We munched on the cupcakes to everyone else's odd looks as I explained. “For instance, my Aunt Linda would make some chili that Gramma said was really spicy, but it'd taste really mild to me.”

“How can you eat that?” asked Rainbow Dash, confused.

“Like this.” I replied, opening my mouth and taking a bite. Pinkie giggled.

“It's good, really!” Dash looked dubious, but decided to take our word for it. As I ate an apple fritter, which was amazing, I had a thought.

“Hey, AJ. Do you think your family could use some hands with any harvests? I could help out with some of the lifting of the apple baskets.”

“Well, we ain't doin' a big harvest again fer some time, but there's always some dead fall to be found and picked up. Ya sure you wanna work at the farm?”

“Well, physical labour isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully, I'd be able to get used to it. Living in Ponyville's bound to make me fitter in any case.”

“So yer stickin' around?”

“Well, since I don't know how I got to Ponyville, I don't have much choice at this point.”

“How can you not know how you got here?” asked Dash. “I thought you said you know the future or something.”

“It's a bit of an odd tale, and I promise on my honour that I will explain all of it tomorrow, when the Princesses are present.”

“Princesses?” asked Applejack.

“Whoops. May want to hold onto that bit of info for now. If you'll excuse me, I want to find Spike. Dragons are awesome.” And with that I wound my way through the crowd to find Spike talking with Fluttershy some more. I joined in on the conversation, and learned that Fluttershy already knew that Twilight was just being silly with the whole Spike-is-sleepy-thing at the front door when she got in.

We chatted for a few minutes before I got bored with that and Spike's lack of draconic knowledge. After wandering around, I did my usual thing and grabbed a book to read before sitting down in a corner. Instead of something new, I grabbed the weather management book again, as I hadn't gotten near as far in that as I had the Petriculture book.

After a few pages, a pillow set down beside me covered in a blue glow, which vanished as Rarity sat down, a napkin dabbing at her muzzle.

“I see you're enjoying the party,” she said sardonically.

“I'm like this at most parties,” I said, continuing to read. “I barely know anyone here, even you guys, so I don't have much related material to talk about yet. And there aren't really any games to play.”

Rarity gestured over to another wall, where a group of ponies were playing Pin The Tail On The Pony.

I sighed. “Yeah, that's not really a game to me. I mean something like the card game Apples to Apples, or Fluxx, or the board game King of Tokyo.”

“You did mention that your father owned over nine hundred games?”

“Yeah. Of course, a few of those were ones he invented, but still. Heck, Monopoly has its flaws, but I'd still like to play it.”

“So how do you celebrate your birthdays if you don't like parties like this?”

“Typically, I invite my few close friends over for an afternoon or something and then we sit around watching movies or playing video games.” At this point, I set the book aside.

“You mentioned these video games before. Are they anything like the arcade cabinets in town?”

“Arcade games are the precursor to video games, but most of the games I played were known as RPGs, or Role Playing Games, since they tell a story and there's a challenge to them. Sometimes, while playing board games, I'd invent a reason behind what I was doing on my turn. Shadows, I'm such a geek.”

Rarity giggled, “Well, you did say your cutie mark would be a book.”

I smiled. “Yeah. And that's actually something I'm curious about. Your cutie mark is a trio of gems, but your career is in fashion that doesn't always use jewelry. How does that work?”

“Well, your talent is stories, but, from what you've said, you're good with mathematics. And you worked customer service in multiple places.”

“Ugh. I only worked at McDonald's for three years because I couldn't get another job. A misanthrope in customer service is not a good combination.”

“Misanthrope?”

“Mm, right. Words formed by thought. Basically it means someone who doesn't like humans. 'Anthro' meaning human, and 'mis' meaning something negative. A misogynist is someone who doesn't like women, and a misandrist would be someone who doesn't like men. If it was an actual word, that is.”

“I know you said you had in interest in language, but I didn't realize it was that in-depth.”

“I don't do much more than read and play games. Linguistics is something I read about.”

“I think we've gotten off topic.”

“Huh?” I blinked and thought back. “I guess so.”

“In any case, the moral of the conversation is that while our talents are our specialty, it's not everything we are. My cutie mark is gems because I'm good at making ponies shine, mostly through clothing. Even you aren't defined by books, despite them being a guiding force in your life.”

“Heh. If I had my Fullmetal hoodie, I'd have to move your pin up the sleeve a few places.”

She frowned. “I still don't care for the fact that you rank us like that. Do you do that with your human friends?”

“Kinda, yeah. I have four best friends out of all of my friends, and amongst them I have two I call my brother in some way, and between them, Frank is the one I refer to as my best-of-best-friends. Then again, I'm an odd person.”

I glanced up as Rarity and I kept talking, just in time to watch Spike and Pinkie start dancing around with lampshades on their heads, other ponies laughing and dancing along. It didn't even seem to matter that Twilight had ducked out, they were still having fun. Eventually, Spike went up the stairs to ask Twilight to come down, and Pinkie was over by her favourite game.

I glanced at the moon, a window thankfully nearby. It wouldn't be long 'til moondown. My how time flies. The sky was already glowing slightly brighter, and the stars were slowly approaching the moon.

Rarity looked closely at me. “Anything wrong?”

“Aside from the sun coming up, not really. It's almost time.” She put her hoof on my knee. It wasn't as hard as I would have thought. It was like having someone else's knee touching mine. “Let's go.” I stood up and stretched as Rarity did the same.

We walked to the town hall, with ponies that hadn't been at the party joining us on the way, including Big Mac, Apple Bloom, and some of the other Apple Clan with food for the celebration. Rarity met up with her parents and Sweetie Belle and she introduced me. Sweetie was very interested in what I was and how I knew Rarity. As it turns out, Rarity's dad was actually named Magnum Fantastic, and he had a doctorate in forensic science, even though his passion was sports.

I waved to them as I mingled with some of the others in the crowd, watching Fluttershy fly in through a window with her bird choir and Rarity moved to the upper balcony. I stepped beside Twilight after Pinkie nattered on about how exited she was, then Twilight and I both looked up at the moon and stars as the Mayor began her speech.

“It's almost time,” I commented.

“Let's just hope it's only an old pony tale.” she muttered, before doing a double-take. “You...?”

“Brave heart, Twilight Sparkle. On this morning, you must let your friends be your guide.” As soon as her attention was stolen by the vanishing Mare in the Moon, I ducked back into the crowd, Pinkie following after me.

“What was that about?” she whispered. The Mayor was still talking.

“Just having a bit of fun, I suppose. But really, you and the others need to stick with her. She is lonely, but she doesn't quite realize it. All she's had is her family, Spike, the Princess, and her studies.” I closed my eyes.

“...Princess Celestia!” announced the Mayor, and Fluttershy's birds started singing. Rarity pulled the rope that opened the curtains to reveal nothing.

As the crowd murmured, I heard Twilight say, “This can't be good.”

“Be calm everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” The Mayor said.

“Ooh! I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” Pinkie hopped in place.

“Not quite, Pi-”

“She's gone!” said Rarity, returning from backstage.

Every pony in the room gasped as Twilight and Pinkie both turned to stare at me. I then pointed at the balcony where Nightmare Moon was making her appearance.

“Oh, my beloved subjects,” purred the Nightmare. “It's been so long since I've seen your precious, sun-loving faces.”

“What did you do with our Princess?!” shouted Rainbow Dash. But before she could assault the dark alicorn her tail was grabbed by Applejack. Nightmare Moon chuckled.

“Why? Am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”

I was tempted to speak up, but I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. I did keep Pinkie quiet as she was about to call Nightmare Moon “Black Snooty.” Applejack looked at me gratefully.

“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” she glared menacingly at Fluttershy and I was very tempted to yell at her. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”

“I did!” shouted Twilight. “And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon. Nightmare Moon!” The crowd gasped.

“Well, well, well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here.” Finally, I decided to make my presence known.

“Eternal night,” I said. I stepped forward and stood beside Twilight. “I'm not for sunlight, myself, but eternal night is a bad for frost, trees, crops, and tides.”

“What?!” she shouted.

“Without the sun, cold would take the world. And what I hate more than the pain sunlight brings, is cold.”

“I don't care what you think,” Nightmare Moon growled. “Remember this day, my little ponies, for it will be your last. From this moment forth, the night will last FOREVER!” Then she began cackling, punctuated with lightning.

My eyes narrowed at her as Twilight stared on in horror.

Author's Note

Well. I was almost going to merge this chapter with the next one, but I decided that this one was actually long enough. Here's hoping I get more written soon!

And that someone will read my story.

Chapter 2: June 21, The Elements of Harmony

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 2: June 21, The Elements of Harmony

As Nightmare Moon laughed, the Mayor took control of the situation, and ordered the Royal Guards to attack. And, as per canon, they were knocked away by the bolts of magical lightning. She then turned into starry mist and flew out the door, ponies scattering to get out of the way.

Immediately after, Applejack lost her grip on Dash's tail, and she flew after the corrupted princess, while Twilight picked up Spike and ran out as well. The ponies remaining kept panicking, so I stepped in front of everyone and did my best impression of the Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice.

“ATTENTION EVERYPONY! PLEASE, CALM DOWN!” Most would call it shouting. I just considered myself to be talking loud. Most of them looked up at me. I relaxed the voice a bit. “Okay. Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack. You four are needed at the library with Rainbow Dash and Twilight, who are already on their way.” The four of them nodded and left. “Now, everypony, I wish to assure you that all of this has been planned for by Princess Celestia.” The crowd murmured to each other.

“What do you mean?” Asked the Mayor. I looked around to make sure Nightmare Moon wasn't listening in here, like I knew she would be at the library.

“It's really quite simple. Princess Celestia's protege, Twilight Sparkle, was sent to Ponyville with the intent of making friends with the five other ponies who exemplified the Elements of Harmony. Together, the six of them will travel through the Everfree Forest and find the material incarnations of the Elements. Not long after, they will purify Nightmare Moon and restore her to her true form: Celestia's younger sister, Princess Luna.”

The murmuring increased in volume. The Mayor joined me in front. “Fillies and Gentlecolts, if what this fellow is saying is true, then we have nothing to worry about. Please return to your homes and we should see the dawn in a few hours.” The crowd nodded and started filtering out.

“Thank you, Madam Mayor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some catching up to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I plan on catching up with the Elements not long after they purify Princess Luna so I can explain some things to them. And then, Celestia willing, I'll explain it to Ponyville as well.” She held out her hoof and I shook it firmly. And with that, I headed out the door, just in time to catch the Mane Six galloping for the Everfree.

Looks like I'll be lagging behind them a bit.

My first stop was the library, where I hoped to find a lantern. My night vision was good, but if it really got as black as it seemed in the show, I might need a bit of help seeing. Fortunately, there was one I could grab on the first floor, so there wasn't any chance of waking up Spike. Knowing the way from Fluttershy's to Ponyville proper helped me find the way to Everfree.

I hung back when I spotted the Mane Six having paused at the entrance, where Twilight attempted (and failed miserably) to convince the others to stay back and let her handle it. After they entered, I waited a minute to give them a head start, hoping that that way I wouldn't have to deal with Nightmare Moon's traps.

I started in on the path, careful to keep watch of the hoofprints that had been left behind. This was a good idea because the path split. Even then, it was fairly obvious that they hadn't gone down the path with the blue leaves. Poison Joke was distinctive, even in the light of the moon.

As I slowly traveled behind them, I heard a loud rumble and cracking noise, followed by screams. The Proof of Honesty. I crept forward and looked over the edge of the new cliff just as Twilight screamed again, only to be caught by Dash and Fluttershy. I watched them go before I slung the lantern over my arm and started my attempt to climb down.

I am very poor at rock climbing, and, about half-way down, I lost my grip and slammed into the ground. I lay there groaning for a while, even as I heard the roar of the Manticore and the beginning of the Proof of Kindness. I may have even blacked out for a while, because when I rolled over, I saw the Manticore wandering away, purring loud enough for me to feel it.

I stood up, back cracking, and looked at the lantern. Thankfully it was intact, the fireflies within still fluttering around. I moved forward and slid the lantern back into my hand as I entered into the dark forest.

It wasn't long before I heard more screams, and laughing. The Proof of Laughter. As Pinkie started singing, I sang along, albeit an octave or so lower. With the lantern light likely to be more visible than the glow of the possessed trees, I stood my ground until the laughter faded. The tough part for me was going to be convincing Steven Magnet to let me cross. Although, if the water is as shallow as I think it's going to be, I could maybe make it by with just the bottom of my pants getting wet.

I must admit to some mild confusion at this point. Somehow, it seemed that no matter how far I fell behind them, I was always managed to be just about to catch up. Either the Everfree Forest is even more unnatural than just being dissimilar to the rest of Equestria, or there was something else helping me stay one step behind them.

As if to prove my point, I wound up just out of sight behind them as Rarity fused her tail to the sliced off part of the Sea Serpent's mustache. I smiled. Oh, Death the Kid would have a fit. I waited as the Mane Six moved across, and Steven waved good bye to them before I made myself known.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh!” gasped the serpent. “And just who might you be?”

“My name is Joe McCord. Thanks for helping them across.”

“Oh, you know those delightful ponies?”

“Somewhat. I'm hoping we can become greater friends after this crisis with Nightmare Moon has passed.”

“Nightmare Moon?”

“The, uh, 'tacky cloud of purple smoke?' She's the corrupted form of Princess Luna, and those six are going to help her be herself again.”

“Oh, my. And why are you here?”

“I'm hoping to catch up to them right after they purify the Princess. I have a few things to explain to them all.”

“Any chance you can tell me?”

“I suppose.” And I proceeded to give the serpent an abbreviated version of the history of Friendship is Magic, including his very minor role in it. As it turns out, his name wasn't actually Steven Magnet, but something unpronounceable to the human/pony tongue. The closest I got to it would best be spelled without vowels and plenty of apostrophes.

He accepted my explanation, then picked me up and set me on the opposite bank. I promised to stop by and visit him from time to time if I could, and directed him to also visit Zecora if he could. I figured she could use the friendly company until Bridle Gossip occurred.

I made it to the fallen bridge just as the ponies crossed into the castle proper. This place has to be some kind of Eldritch Location. The tough part for this would be figuring out when the proper time to follow them into the “Boss Room” would be. I had to get there after Celestia and Luna reconcile.

It would be difficult to time things with how the fog in the ravine covered the view of the castle. Hopefully, the Forest, or whatever it was that was helping me keep up, would get me in there at the right time, but I shouldn't rely on-

“TWILIGHT!” cried the Mane Six other than Twilight. Hmm, need to come up with a better moniker- What am I thinking?! I started across the bridge as I heard galloping, hoping to stay those few steps behind them.

I ducked behind the castle doors as Rarity spotted the lights flashing from one of the towers, and promptly tripped as I attempted to stealth my way through the room behind them. As I lay on the stone, I remembered a bit of advice to myself: the best way to be sneaky is to act like nothing's wrong. Also, step lightly.

I stood back up and brushed myself off, quickly re-tying my ponytail and making sure I looked at least somewhat presentable for the Princesses. I then closed my eyes for a few moments and walked forward. At the stairs, I heard the echo of the girl's encouraging shouts to Twilight and started my way up after them. I reached the top of the stairs just in time for the epic speech, making sure to be around the corner and just out of sight.

“Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right... Here!” announced Twilight. I sat down, one eye at the crack of the door. The shards of stone flew up to around Nightmare Moon. “Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the Spirit of... Honesty!” The Element formed as a ring of stone shards as Twilight continued.

“Fluttershy, who tamed the Manticore with her compassion, represents the Spirit of... Kindness!” I smiled at her blush as her Element encircled her.

“Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the Spirit of... Laughter!” Pinkie looked ecstatic and hopped in place a bit.

“Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift, represents the Spirit of... Generosity!” Despite the praise, Rarity looked almost as humble as Fluttershy.

“Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire, represents the Spirit of... Loyalty!” Well, the Shadowbolts aren't her heart's desire, it's the Wonderbolts. But still.

“The Spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!”

“You still don't have the sixth Element! The Spark didn't work!” Nightmare Moon retorted.

“But it did,” Twilight asserted calmly, turning to her friends. “A different kind of Spark. I felt it the moment I realized how happy I was to hear you. To see you. How much I cared about you... The Spark ignited within me when I realized that you all... Are my Friends!” She turned back to Nightmare Moon as the stone orb of Magic appeared over her head. “You see, Nightmare Moon. When those Elements are united by the... the Spark that resides in us all, it creates the sixth Element. The Element of... MAGIC!”

With a flash of light that forced me to look away, the Elements transformed from their stone forms into their jewel states. I watched the light play across the wall as I whispered a joke older than this scene: “Taste the rainbow, motherbucker.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried Nightmare Moon. I then heard a sound reminiscent to the Classic Trek transporter sound effect and the light intensified, forcing me to close my eyes as even the reflected light off the wall became more than I could handle without my sunglasses.

As the light faded, I was tempted to move forward, but I stayed put. I needed to wait for Celestia.

I heard voices as the Mane Six awoke from their first use of the Elements, Rarity's happiness at the return of her tail sticking out the most. I inched forward just in time to hear Celestia's voice echo through the room.

“Indeed you do.” I put on my sunglasses as the sun rose and Celestia appeared in a flash of light. I heard more voices that didn't quite make it into the hall, until Celestia said “Princess Luna” followed by more muffled voices and a chorus of “sister?”

Here we go. With everyone's focus on the Princesses, I stepped into the room in time for Pinkie to over balance and fall.

“I'm so sorry, big sister! I missed you so much.” Luna, or to differentiate her from her Season Two self, Woona, hugged Celestia as best she could.

“I missed you, too,” Celestia said. Pinkie pulled out a hanky and blew her nose, which was followed by a stream of tears that defied physics, and, in fact, reminded me of that bizarre gif of that Japanese actor with a waterfall of tears that I'd seen on the Ponibooru and Derpibooru.

“Hey!” she exclaimed. “You know what this calls for?”

“A party?” I said, finally announcing my presence. Everyone, even the hugging Princesses, turned towards me.

“Joe? What are you doing here?” Rarity asked.

“It's time for my exposition, now that the Elements are assembled, and the Princesses are both present.”

Applejack tapped her chin, “Ya did say somethin' 'bout Princesses at Twi's party last night.”

I nodded. “Bear with me, this may get confusing. First, and introduction to those who I've just met. My name is Joseph Glenn McCord, a human from another reality. In this reality, in Anno Domini 2010, sometime around October or November, the first episode of a series written by a brilliant woman by the name of Lauren Faust aired on television, a form of entertainment. The series was named 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' and initially targeted at young girls.

“Not long after, an article was released that decried the 'death of the creative spirit,' citing that television shows were now simply tools for merchandizing, rather than actually telling stories. This caused a group known as the 'Cartoons and Comics board of 4chan' to look into the show mentioned within, the aforementioned 'Friendship is Magic.' They loved it, and thus the Brony Herd was born.

“Almost a year later, I had been seeing things pertaining to the show in various places, enough to make me curious, and, eventually, I managed to find every single episode from season one, as season two had just started not long before. The show was about a group of six friends, who represented the very foundation of friendship itself. I'd list them all off, but you already did that, Twilight.” I smiled at Rainbow Dash.

“As I said to you a couple days ago, I know the future. But only parts of it. The parts shown by the show. For instance...” I looked up at Celestia. Wow, she's, like, two feet taller than I am. “I know your plans with that notebook, Your Highness.” Her eyes widened. “And that's all I'll say on that subject.”

“If you know so much, why are you here?” Celestia asked.

“I don't know. Two days ago, I was found by Fluttershy at the edge of the Everfree Forest, which I'm now convinced is some sort of Eldritch Location, and explained part of this to Pinkie and Fluttershy. I also explained some of it to Rarity when she was creating this wonderful outfit for me.

“Home has been lost to me, and I don't know why. Looking at things from my point of view, I've been thrust into a world both familiar and strange.” I blinked. Isn't that part of the Twilight Zone narration? I shook my head. “Most of your customs are similar to ours. From my point of view, they were based on ours.”

“Wh...” started Luna. “Wherefore art thou telling us this?”

I blinked. Curious. She clearly said “you” to Celestia a minute ago. Never mind. “So that you know who I am, without the biggest secret I could possibly have from you aside from the future itself hanging between us. I have no place here, save for what you may give me.” I then bowed on one knee in deference to the princesses, one hand over my heart and the other on the ground.

“I see,” said Celestia. “What are your intentions in the long term?”

“I still want to find a way home, but barring that, I simply seek to live in peace and harmony with Equestria.”

“And your foreknowledge?”

“I assure you that I will only use my knowledge of the future when I can present a truly preferred alternative to the way things would normally unfold. Also, I can share whatever knowledge you may wish about major events to come.”

“I believe that may be a topic for a different time. For now, let us all return to Ponyville.” We all agreed and started back through the Everfree Forest, which, as I had expected, seemed a shorter return trip than it had been a trip to enter (though that may have had something to do with the lack of Nightmare Obstacles). The entire way, Celestia and Luna were talking quietly to each other, and Twilight was basking in the feeling of having her new friends with her. I lagged slightly behind the group, content to watch and smile.

Until Pinkie somehow managed to pronk her way back to me without changing speed. “Something wrong?”

“Nah, I'm just glad things have turned out so well, despite my presence. Hopefully, things will get even better.”

“I'm guessing from what your said about spoilers two days ago is that Luna's your second favourite, huh?”

“Yeah. I'm a proud member of the Lunar Republic.” Pinkie looked quizzically at me again.

“We nicknamed the state of Equestria under either Princess. Celestia's faction is the Solar Empire, since she's ruled Equestria for so long, whereas Luna has the Lunar Republic, just as a counter-point name, I guess. Though, considering the Romans were a Republican Empire...” I trailed off, looking thoughtful. “There is a faction for both, but I don't think they have a title, really. Most agree that both is better.”

As I finished speaking, I noticed that the Princesses had stopped talking and were actually looking back at me. I waved with a light smile and they turned to whisper to each other again.

“So, why do you like Luna so much more than Celestia? Is it just because of the light and darkness thing?” asked Rarity, surprising me. I didn't even see her approach.

“Somewhat. It's actually more because Luna is adorable in her own way. She'll be recovering for a while, but when she shows up for Nightmare Night in season two, she just wants to be appreciated. Which is a bit hard when you're practically shouting in everypony's faces.”

I happened to be watching Luna as I said that, but it seems she didn't hear me. By this time, we had emerged from the Everfree and had almost made it back to Ponyville, where ponies were already setting up for-

“A PARTY!” Pinkie cheered, before rushing in to help with the preparations. It didn't take very long for the Summer Sun feast that the Apple Clan had cooked up to become part of Pinkie's “Princess Luna's Nice Again” party, and a lot of the other prep work was easily re-purposed as well.

We feasted well, though I was kind of getting tired of all the apple products already. I'd have to talk to Fluttershy about maintaining a healthy human diet, though I'm likely to only have fish and eggs for meat product. Might have to work on my frying skills.

After the celebration was over, and Luna stood with tears in her eyes and a wreath around her neck, Twilight looked at the Princesses with sadness.

“Why so glum, my faithful student?” asked Celestia, turning to her. “Aren't you happy, now that your quest is over and you can return to your studies?”

“That's just it. Just when I've learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.”

“Spike, take a note, please.” Spike pulled a quill and parchment out of hammerspace with a smile. How does he ink the quill? “I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville. In addition, I am appointing the human, Joseph Glenn McCord, to be my royal liaison to Ponyville. He is to let me know how the town fares while he lives amongst the ponies here and will give out any decrees I, or my sister, may have.”

I blinked and once again kneeled before the Princesses as the crowd cheered. My attempt at being solemnly respectful didn't last very long as I was dragged into the group hug by Pinkie.

“Oh, Thank you, Princess Celestia! I'll study harder than ever before!” Twilight was starting to cry, so I offered her my sleeve to wipe her tears on.

I should ask Rarity about making me a handkerchief...

Author's Note

This chapter just flowed. As can be seen it took quite some time to finish the "first" chapter, but this one just poured out of me.

Next chapter is most likely going to be "Griffon the Brush-Off, though it might be an original chapter as well. We'll see.

Chapter 3: June 25-26, Griffon the Brush-Off

Yet Another Human In Equestria Story

Chapter 3: June 25-26, Griffon the Brush-Off

By: Bardic Knowledge

To Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia,

I realize that it hasn't been a week yet since I was appointed as your liaison, but I have given myself a specific deadline to ensure that you receive a report from me each week. This is done in part to prevent an event that is to occur at an unknown time in the future (see attached synopsis for Season 2, Episode 3: “Lesson Zero”).

Thus far things have been rather quiet in Ponyville, especially now that Twilight and Spike have finished moving into the library. I have yet to find a permanent residence, and have taken to spending the night at a different pony's house each of the past four nights. The Apple family did offer to build me a house, but I have declined their offer in favour of earning the money required to buy a house, or at least rent one.

Also, I have recently spoken to Fluttershy about something you should know about my species: we are simultaneously herbivorous and carnivorous. We typically refer to it as “omnivorous,” but considering Spike's predilection for gemstones, it's not quite as apropos. Since Fluttershy is the caretaker of several animals who also require meat in their diet, we have come to an arrangement that will allow me to subsist on the same fish she feeds to the ferrets that live under her bridge.

Still, I would like to ask about what any Griffins (or Gryphons or Griffons, whichever is the official spelling here) that live in Equestria may eat, since I know of at least two: Gilda, who went to flight school with Rainbow Dash, and Gustav le Grand, who is a pastry chef that purportedly makes delicious éclairs.

I will be sending this letter through Spike at his earliest convenience.

Your humble servant,
Joe McCord

I tapped the quill I had been using on the ink well before starting in on a summary of Lesson Zero mainly pointing out Twilight's stress at believing she is held to a higher standard than others and her panic at not getting a Friendship Report in on time. I also mentioned that, despite what may happen, no one was truly injured in the mess and she learns a valuable lesson from the whole ordeal.

With that finished, I let the ink dry, then rolled the two scrolls up to give to Spike and headed for the front door of Fluttershy's cottage, the animals that roamed the house waving to me as I walked. It still seemed rather surreal. Fluttershy told me that most animals don't act like the ones with her, but they've been around her for so long that they've picked up a few things.

As I opened the door, however, I was set upon by a splash of frigid water. “Flurgen rahaemish!” I shouted, jumping back (those aren't actual words in any language other than Angrish). I shook myself in an attempt to shake off the water in my hair, as I'd thankfully been wearing the coat Rarity gave me, and then glared in the direction I heard laughter.

“I thought I said I don't like water! ESPECIALLY COLD!” The laughter intensified for a moment before fading away as Pinkie and Dash apparently moved off. I shook my head and double-checked my scrolls to make sure it was alright. Then what just happened hit me.

“Dash and Pinkie pranking together?” I muttered. “That's not supposed to happen until Griffon the Brush-Off. Curious. Better tell Fluttershy to be wary, just in case Gilda is going to be coming soon.” I then recalled what I just wrote about Gryphons/Griffons/Griffins. “Oddly fortuitous.”

I went into town and immediately headed for the library. It had taken me a while to learn the layout of Ponyville, but at this point I would only get lost if I was trying to get someone else somewhere.

Spike was in, and he sent the missive to the Princess immediately. I then browsed the shelves to see if I could find any books about the eagle-lions with three different spellings. Before I could find any, Spike belched up a reply.

“Well, that was fast,” I commented, taking the scroll from Spike.

“The Princess is usually pretty quick to reply,” he said, before continuing to sweep.

“By the way, thanks again for teaching me how to write with a quill.”

“Not a problem. It's nice to meet someone else with claws.”

“Well, technically, I have hands. By the way, is Twilight in?”

“Yeah, but she's in the middle of a-” The was a muffled explosion from upstairs. “-an experiment.”

“Sounds like she just got hit by Pink 'n' Dash.”

“Huh?”

“Pinkie and Rainbow are going around pranking today. I thought you were their first victim. Y'know, scaring the hiccups into you?”

Spike blushed and kicked at the ground. “Oh, yeah. The Princess asked me to come to Canterlot tomorrow to re-train my fire-breath so I don't send things accidentally.”

“Well, it's better to send things accidentally then burn them away forever. Speaking of which, you might want to be careful with dusty books.”

Spike looked around the library. “Good idea.” We were interrupted by the strange staccato beat of hoofs on stairs as Twilight came downstairs.

“Spike, do you know where the spare inkwell is? Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash-” Twilight stopped short on seeing me. She was a little uneasy around me after the way I spoke of the show and knowing future events, though she was also very curious about what I meant when I mentioned a journal to the Princess.

Before she could continue, Spike walked up to her, holding out a fresh pot of ink, which she took with her telekin- magic. Before she could leave, however, I asked her a question that had been on my mind lately.

“You know a lot of spells, right? Do you know if there's an eidetic memory spell or something?”

“Why do you ask?” she said.

“Well, I had an idea to make some money, but I don't remember the books I've read well enough to write them, but if I had perfect recall, then I'd be able to hopefully write a couple that ponies will enjoy.”

“I'd have to go back through my books, but I think there is one. It causes extreme headaches, though.”

“I can deal with that. Unless you mean headaches for the caster, in which case, I'll let someone else decide.”

“In any case, I should get back to my experiment. I wanted to finish it before I met up with Rarity this afternoon to talk.”

“And I've got a scroll to read. Talk to you later.” I waved to her as she walked back up the stairs, and shook hands with Spike before I headed out the door, unfurling the scroll to read as I walked back to Fluttershy's.

Dear Joe,

My, you do know how to write formally, don't you? Despite the grand nature of your new position's title, you don't need to stand on ceremony with me, considering what you know. And thank you for you forewarning. Twilight, bless her, has always been very dedicated, and I've seen something similar when she woke up one Saturday morning and thought she was going to be late for school.

Regarding your lack of funds and permanent lodging, I do plan on giving you a salary since you are acting as my eyes and ears in Ponyville. I don't know how it converts to what currency you are used to, but I believe 100 bits a week should see you through and shouldn't be unreasonable, especially if you keep up this self-imposed deadline of yours.

I stopped reading and walking for a moment. 100 bits? Didn't Fluttershy get a whole bundle of asparagus (bleh) for just one bit in Putting You Hoof Down? I've never looked at asparagus past watching someone else eat/cook it, but I'm pretty sure that attempting some form of conversion means that I'd essentially get paid $100 a week to live my life and write letters! That just doesn't seem right.

Might have to talk her down to a more reasonable price.

Regarding your dietary needs, I'm glad that you've brought it to my attention, in case one of my councillors takes it upon herself to investigate my sudden need of a liaison. If they got word that you ate meat, they'd probably have attempted to have you fired or something as a “danger to the ponies of Equestria” or something. My little ponies can be so silly sometimes.

Regarding the Griffin (and that's the “official” spelling) citizens of Equestria, there are a few specialty shops in certain towns that cater to them, and are in many cases run by them. They are also inspected monthly to ensure that only non-sapient meat, such as fish, rabbits, and the like, are being used. I believe that there's actually one on Aerie Street here in Canterlot.

Yours,
Princess Celestia

By the time I finished reading, I had reached Fluttershy's cottage again, and tucked the letter into the Bag of Holding Rarity enchanted for me. It contained four sets of the outfit she made for me, my pyjamas (which were used as proof that I had already known about the Elements before I appeared in the Ancient Castle), my personal supply of ink, quills, and paper, and now the letter I had received from the princess.

I waited for Fluttershy to return by playing with one of the kittens and the reflection of the sunlight off my ring, and even Angel got in the fun by trying to stop the kitten from reaching the light at all. The bunny's a bit of a jerk at times, but he truly does care about Fluttershy and the other animals in the cottage.

It wasn't long before Fluttershy stepped in her door. “Oh! I thought you would be in town, Joe. Didn't you have a letter to send?”

“I sent it already. Just to double-check today's sequence of events, did you find a fake turtle by the water earlier?”

“I did. Why was it there?”

“Rainbow Dash was going to prank you with it by having it shoot water at you, but Pinkie vetoed the idea.”

“Oh, thank goodness.”

“However, what this means is that, likely tomorrow, we're soon going to be visited by a Griffin, named Gilda.”

Fluttershy's eyes shrank. “G-Gilda?!” she started shaking.

“That's right,” I muttered, kneeling beside her and rubbing her back. “You went to flight camp with Rainbow Dash, didn't you?”

“Y-yes,” she whispered, leaning into my hand. “But even though Rainbow Dash kept most bullies away from me, Gilda refused to stop. She just started doing it when Rainbow Dash wasn't around.”

“I'm afraid there's going to be a confrontation tomorrow that's very important, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Pinkie's going to realize that Gilda's a... 'big mean meanie pants' or something along those lines, and attempt to convince Twilight. That won't work, and she'll head into town. Where you wind up running into Gilda.”

“Oh my, that's right. Mama duck wanted to move her and her ducklings to a new nest on the other side of town tomorrow. Oh, but I don't want to run into Gilda!” She shivered more.

“Don't worry, I think I have a plan, but that means I'll probably have to spend the night here again.”

“That's alright. Thank you, Joe.” She nuzzled my cheek, which felt rather odd really, and I told her the plan.

The next day, I found myself to be incredibly bored watching Fluttershy guide the family of ducks through town. I would occasionally glance at the sky, and when I saw a streak of rainbow fly into the clouds, I nodded.

“Almost time, Fluttershy. Don't worry, I'll be nearby.” And with that I moved off to sit in the market, getting a glass of water (which was thankfully just as free as it was in most restaurants back home), and waited, keeping an eye on the crowd. It wasn't long before I spotted a flash of brown and white that turned out to be Gilda, and I drained my water as quickly as I could.

I miss Dr Pepper.

Putting the cup in a nearby trash can, I moved forward in time to catch Gilda scare Granny Smith with her tail and steal an apple from the cart.

And there's Fluttershy coming up the street. And almost on cue:

“Hey! I'm walking here!”

Fluttershy squeaked. “Oh, I'm sorry, I-”

“'I'm sorry,'” Gilda mocked. I then tapped the griffin on her shoulder, causing her to turn towards me.

“What do you... want...?” she growled at my chest. She blinked for a moment before looking up and into my eyes. Huh, she's just as tall as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

“I want you to leave my friend alone,” I replied, glaring. I jabbed her in the beak. “Or do I have to get confrontational?”

She backed up, rubbing her beak. I was tempted to massage my finger, but did my best to not let my discomfort show. “Okay, sheesh, fine. Whatever. Smell you later losers!” I braced myself as she took off, wingbeats almost as powerful as Dash's. I then knelt beside Fluttershy.

“You alright?” She nodded, smiled, and turned back to the duck family.

I glanced around the marketplace to find Pinkie and went by her as she muttered “Pinkie Pie Style!”

Good, that party's still on track. I decided to check in on Twilight and see if she'd made any progress with that eidetic memory spell.

We killed a few hours with a conversation about my home, but she hadn't made any progress yet on finding the spell. As soon as we received the invitation to the “Make Gilda Less Grumpy” party, we headed out together, our conversation having led to the internet. I resisted any temptation to sing or say any variation on “The Internet is for Porn.” Actually, I almost resisted, settling for humming the chorus. She was confused, but I told her she wouldn't get the joke.

The party went as expected, though Gilda did glare my way when she first came in. I did manage to keep Spike from burrowing through the cake, as well. While Gilda had issues with the spicy vanilla lemon drops, I was contentedly munching away at them, which I suppose is why she accused me of setting that one up.

Finally, it came time for the games portion of the party.

“Well, I am the guest of honour, I'll have the purple tail,” said Gilda, snatching said tail from Rarity, who was about to play Pin the Tail on the Pony herself.

“Yeah! Gilda should definitely go first. Let's get you blindfolded,” Pinkie chirped, as Spike tied the blindfold around Gilda's eyes. With a spin, Gilda was dizzy, but pointed at the poster. I cleared my throat and motioned to turn her around, but Pinkie didn't hear or see me do so. “Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail!”

“Now just walk straight ahead and pin the tail,” Gilda mocked. Then she turned towards Pinkie's voice. “Yeah right, this is another prank, isn't it? I'm going this way!” She immediately turned around and resolutely marched away from the poster of the pony. Before anyone could stop her, she slipped on some... frosting? I'm not sure what it was, or why it would be on the floor if it was frosting (I also don't know how frosting could be that slippery), but either way, she slipped across the floor and into the kitchen.

I face-palmed and muttered, “Well, here we go.”

Gilda stumbled out of the kitchen, now covered in batter and frosting... somehow, with the tail across the top of her beak like a moustache and the blindfold gone.

“Uh, Gilda? You pinned the tail on the wrong end,” Pinkie said, despite my frantic “don't do it” gesture. On reflection, said gesture probably didn't mean anything to Pinkie anyways.

As everyone started laughing, Gilda started growling before letting out a loud roar that startled everyone into silence, as I started walking towards her. She took off before I could get close and glare at the room.

“This is your idea of a good time?! I've never met a lamer bunch of dweebs in all my life! And you!” she went to point a claw at Pinkie, but by then I was right in front of her and had grabbed her talon.

“Perhaps I should be more specific. Leave. ALL. My friends. ALONE!” I shouted in her face, coat billowing dramatically from the wind. She growled and swiped at me, but I bent backwards to get my face out of the way of her talon, letting go of the one I held in the process.

“You think you can make me lose my cool?!” she yelled, landing next to Rainbow Dash. “We've got ten times the cool of the rest of you dweebs put together! Especially queen dweeb Pinkie and your lame party pranks!” Rainbow Dash immediately glared at Gilda, who was walking for the exit. “C'mon Dash, we're bailing on this pathetic excuse...” She stopped and looked back. “Come on, Rainbow Dash. I said, we're leaving!”

“Y'know, Gilda? I was the one who set up those 'lame pranks' at the party.” Dash said.

“What?!”

“So I guess I'm the 'queen dweeb.'”

“C'mon, Dash, you're joshing me.” Hmm. I wonder if that has the same etymology as “joshing” does back home. What was that guy's last name again?

“They weren't all meant for you specifically. It was just dumb luck you set them all off. And attacking Joe for defending Pinkie? Not cool.”

“I should have known!” Pinkie said to Spike. “That dribble cup had Rainbow Dash written all over it.”

“No way. It- it was Pinkie Pie! She set up this whole party just to trip me up,” Gilda denied. “To make a fool of me! And that- that thing probably helped her!”

“Me? I threw this party to improve your attitude. I thought a good party might turn that frown upside down!” And Pinkie once again defied conventional physics (and made my neck hurt) by turning her whole head upside down.

“I got here after you did,” I said, crossing my arms. “I tried one of the pranked vanilla lemon drops and found them to be spicy and sweet and couldn't stop myself from eating more. I love spicy food.”

“And you sure didn't need any help making a fool of yourself,” Rainbow countered. “Y'know, this isn't how I thought my old friend would treat my new friends. If being cool is all you care about, maybe you should find some new 'cool' friends someplace else.”

Gilda ground her teeth (why does she have teeth and a beak? Maybe there's a book on Griffins at the library) and flared her wings before attempting to retort. “Oh yeah, well, you... you are such a flip-flop! Cool one minute and lame the next. If you decide not to be lame anymore, give me a call.” And with that she stomped off and slammed the door. The last we heard was an eagle's cry as she left.

“Not cool.”

“Wow,” Spike said. “Talk about a party pooper.” Every started murmuring and whispering to each other in agreement.

“I'm sorry everypony. For bringing Gilda here. I didn't know how rude she was. And Pinkie Pie?” Dash looked to Pinkie. “I'm really sorry she ruined that awesome party you put on for her. And Joe?”

“Don't mention it. Griffins are supposed to be predators. I should have known that would elicit an aggressive response.”

Pinkie nodded. “And if you wanna hang out with party poopers, that's your business.”

“I'd rather hang out with you,” Dash said. “Both of you. No hard feelings?”

“No hard feelings,” Pinkie affirmed, as I nodded in agreement. With that both Pinkie and Dash went for a hoofshake, but zapped each-other with hoof-buzzers instead, giving everyone a good laugh. As Pinkie and Twilight started talking, I walked over to Spike.

“Hey, Spike. What time are you heading for Canterlot tomorrow?”

“Actually, I'm going to be taking the last train in about a half an hour, why?” he replied.

“I'd like to go with you. I want to talk to Princess Celestia about something, and there's a shop she told me about in Canterlot I want to visit.”

“It's an overnight trip, and I don't think I'll be back until Monday.”

“I think I can handle it. It's only one day in Canterlot, after all.”

We shook on it, and Spike quickly wrote out the letter Twilight had just come up with, and sent along the disappearing ink bottle Pinkie handed him as well as the letter.

Just as we were about to leave, the reply came by Spike-mail and he handed it over before we headed for the train station. At the station, I expected some sort of trouble getting on, like in “Just For Sidekicks,” but Spike simply pulled out an official-looking document from his fire-based pocket dimension and the conductor pony simply let us on.

Author's Note

This one took a while, in part because I'm trying to avoid watching the episode as I write so that I, as the character, go with the faulty remembrance of the show, and can react to things not being how I thought they were accordingly.

The next chapter is another original chapter, but I should mention now that the night at the end of that chapter is the night of "Look Before You Sleep." I've decided that the first few reports happen quickly, since the closest things to friends Twilight has had before were her big brother and Spike. And maybe her parents. And Celestia. So she's learning a lot about friendship immediately, then reports start coming in once a week instead of constantly.

I'm glad to see so many are enjoying this, and hope to see more people as the days go by.

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 4: June 27, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 4: June 27, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

Despite it only being the second train I had ever ridden on, and a steam engine instead of an electric train, and not being a bendy-train... Anyway, despite it only being the second train I'd ever ridden on, the trip to Canterlot was quite relaxing. Spike's pass had gotten us a private room on the bed car, and he turned in as the sun set, letting me know that the trip would apparently take all night at least.

This made sense, considering the MMMystery on the Friendship Express took place overnight. As usual, I stayed up since I couldn't sleep and observed the countryside rolling past at night. I walked down the train, aiming for the platform on the caboose where I could more easily see the sky.

As I had discovered during my nights in Ponyville, the night sky was beautiful without the mass of light from large settlements. Even living outside town, I could barely see the stars on Earth. It didn't help that we had six prisons in town that were all surrounded by bright lights all night long. Look to the east and the clouds would be a bright reddish-orange.

I don't even know why we have six prisons. It used to be three, and that's why the local S.C.A group was known as the Canton of Three Walls.

Anywhoozle, I stood at the back of the train, the wind rustling my coat, and stared up at the blue-black heavens. In the distance, I could still see the lights of Ponyville, but they were barely in sight and retreating fast.

Despite how often I would watch the skies of Earth at night, I couldn't make out any familiar constellations. Though it didn't help that most of the ones I would recognize were in the north sky and that's the direction the train was going. Still, the sky was magnificent to behold, with so many visible stars. And the moon was majestic. It was rather odd to not see the Man in the Moon or Tsuki no Usagi. Guess it must be stranger for the ponies who grew up seeing the Mare in the Moon. Eventually, I tired of pacing back and forth and staring at the sky and headed back inside.

There were very few ponies awake on the train. Heck, there were very few ponies on the last train to Canterlot to begin with. Ugh, I should have brought a book or something. I grabbed my Bag of Holding and pulled out quill and paper instead. Though I call it paper, it was actually more like papyrus in construction. I knew for certain that it wasn't parchment, considering parchment is made of leather, while papyrus is made of reeds. Modern paper is made of wood pulp, but that's all I know of how it's made.

Hmm. This inner monologue of mine keeps getting side-tracked. I actually have that problem a lot. Sometimes I can't even keep track of how I got on a particular topic.

There I go again.

Okay, I had gotten out paper and quill to try and do some sort of writing, or maybe doodle a bit. I'm nowhere near the artist my dad is, but I do enjoy making sketches. I experimented with ways to hold the quill, remembering something of the calligraphy book I once read something like five years ago.

I failed to make my writing fancy.

I also failed to make my art look any better. My failure in art was mostly in the way of proportions. If I drew a person, I couldn't make their arms the same size. In drawing a pony, their legs all wound up different lengths and pegasi would have asymmetrical wings.

By the time I finally felt sleepy, I had written down something I wanted to discuss with Celestia: who I meant when I spoke of someone called “Q.”

I don't know how much Discord could hear while sealed in stone, or if he simply had a limited-scope omniscience around his statue form, so I figured it would be better to speak of him in code. I had also realized that I had been rather callous in the way I spoke of their world. It would probably take a while for the whole “this place is fiction even though I'm here” thing to wear off.

I finally fell asleep when the train was probably two hours from Canterlot, and Spike had to wake me up as the conductor went by. I blinked repeatedly as I followed him out, trying to make sure my contacts didn't dehydrate. I really need to get new ones.

Canterlot was spectacular to behold, if blinding in the morning light (so glad I had my sunglasses). The alabaster spires of the castle proper spread light across the entire city, and most of the buildings near it were also made of the same shining white. Walking through the city reminded me of the one time I visited Chicago, except there were carts instead of cars.

I was getting a lot of odd looks as I walked, similar to my first day in Ponyville. It was understandable, since nopony had ever seen a human before. Some of them greeted Spike as he went by, which made sense since he and Twilight lived here before they moved to Ponyville.

The way to the castle was easy to find, since there was one big road straight from the train station to the castle. Once we got to the castle, we were led to the throne room by a pair of guards, one of whom went in to announce our presence. After a couple moments, he returned to the entrance and gestured us in.

Celestia was sitting tall on her throne, a stack of documents sitting to either side of her. She smiled as we entered. “I was expecting Spike, but what brings you before me, Joe?” I bowed low before replying.

“I'm here to speak with you about a few things regarding the future that are best said in person, as well as give a counter-proposal for my salary as Royal Liaison.” I held up the paper I had written on the train, and quickly stifled a yawn as she took it in her sun-yellow aura.

Her eyes quickly widened as she scanned the paper. “So, you're saying this 'Q' is going to be attacking Equestria sometime in the future?”

“The only thing I can guarantee is that the when will be after the Grand Galloping Gala Twilight is going to get tickets for, and that the Elements of Harmony will be effective. The event will be quite a lesson for Twilight and the others.”

“And how bad will things get?”

“To be honest, Your Highness, it will be disastrous, but with some help, I'm sure the Mane Six will pull through.”

“The Mane Six?”

“Ah, yes. That's what we use to refer to Twilight and her friends.”

“In that case, I will make careful note of this upcoming event and keep a watchful eye for Q. Now, what's this counter-proposal of yours?”

“From what I can tell, though I'm not certain, one Bit is equivalent to one dollar from my world, maybe two. And I cannot in good conscience take take that much money for doing so little. As I recall, my job as liaison has only two main tasks: reporting the goings-on in Ponyville to you and make announcements of royal decrees. Otherwise, I am to live my life without any other obligations.”

She blinked. “So... You came to ask for less money?”

“I have. I believe twenty Bits a week should suffice.”

“But that little will leave you homeless for almost half a year. Ninety Bits a week.”

“All of Ponyville is my home, and my friends don't mind me staying with them until I can afford my own place. Twenty-five Bits.”

“Let's just cut the haggling. I will give you fifty bits a week. Once you find a house you want, I will reduce that to twenty-five until that house has been paid for in full.”

I mulled it over. “I'm still not sure I like it, but very well then. I shall go house shopping over the next week.”

“There is one more thing before I let you go. What do the words 'Anno Domini' mean?”

“Anno Domini means 'In the Year of Our Lord,' and is used to preface the year. Such as the fact that when I came from was 'AD 2013.'”

“And who is your lord?”

“The lord it references is actually a deity. I'll write up a summary of what Christianity is and send that along with my next progress report. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?”

“Our calender also uses the term 'AD,' this year being '2010 AD. However, ours stands for 'After Discord.'”

“Curious. Most stories I've read put this year as 1000 CR, for 'Celestia's Rule' or something similar. What do you use for the years before?”

“BP, for 'Before Princesses.' Though, any attempts at measuring the years during Discord's reign prove fruitless, so any records of something before that time are simply marked as 'Unknown BP' or similar.'”

By this point, Spike was starting to fidget, so I decided to wrap things up. “Thank you for your time, Your Highness. I'd best let you get on with teaching Spike not to send everything he sneezes at.”

“I'll send one of the guards with you to help you find your way around Canterlot. You will receive a letter when it is time to leave.” I bowed and was escorted out by one of the guards, who looked oddly familiar. It took me a moment to place him.

“You're Shining Armor, aren't you?” I asked.

“You know who I am?” he asked, surprised.

“It took me a moment, but I recognized you from your distinctiveness, in comparison to most of the guards.” It seemed that at this point in the timeline he hadn't yet become Captain of the Royal Guards.

“So, what are you, if that's not too rude?”

“Not at all. I'm a human, a race from another reality.” I had to be careful of my words. Discord could be listening in already.

“Are there any ponies there?”

“Not in the same way there are here. On our world, humans are the only known sapient species. Much to our detriment for the most part.”

“Why's that?”

“You'll have to take this with fact that I don't much care for my own kind, but, to put it lightly, we're a violent race.”

“Violent?”

“As a whole, humanity has killed more of each other than any other species on Earth, our planet. Individually, we have plenty of people who don't fight at all, or those who will only fight if necessary, but our eras are defined more by the wars fought than by the peace times.” By now we had reached the exit of the castle. “This may seem mildly non-sequitur, but where's Aerie Street?”

“Here, let me show you. So, if your people are so violent, how did you survive the Windigos?”

“Our world doesn't have Windigos. If we did, Earth would probably be a lot more like Equestria.”

“Equestria's not completely peaceful, either. Otherwise, we wouldn't need guards and soldiers.”

“Oh, I realize that. But it is more peaceful than Earth. In fact, when I disappeared from there, my nation was fighting another nation across the sea. At least I think we still were. I never watched the news to find out.”

“Why were you fighting?”

“It really boils down to the fact that, unlike them, we let everybody be whomever they want, well aside from criminals, whereas they want everyone to follow their strict doctrine and they're willing to die and kill to destroy the freedom we enjoy. Personally, I'm a big fan of 'live and let live.'”

“It sounds harsh.”

“It's nothing compared to some of the monsters we've had. I don't think I'll go into them, though. It's not something you should deal with.” Even with the potential atrocities cause by Discord and maybe in the battle against Nightmare Moon and King Sombra, the ponies of this day and age would almost never be prepared for stories of Hitler and his ilk.

It wasn't long before Shining Armor and I made it to Aerie Street and I began to search the area for the griffin-run shop the Princess had mentioned. It turned out to be easy to spot, as the proprietor was visible from the street through the oversized windows on the front.

“This is the place you were looking for?” Shining Armor asked.

“Yeah. That's something else about humans. We're not all vegetarian like ponies. There are a few people who have chosen to be, but I'm afraid I need more than greenery to get by.” at his startled look, I added. “The Princess already knows, so don't worry about it.”

“Humans don't eat ponies, do they?”

“I've heard that in other countries they might sell horse meat, but remember that on Earth, we're the only sapient beings. If ponies and horses started talking to us, we'd probably let them alone.”

He still looked warily at me as I entered the shop. I wasn't surprised that he decided to stay behind.

“Velcommin to Graf fon Einzbern's Griffin Emporium! Vhat can ve do for you?”

Fascinating. A German accent. If anything, I expected a French accent like Gustav le Grand.

“Gütenmorgen! My name is Joe McCord and I'm here to arrange for some food delivery for myself.”

“Truly? Und vhat makes you dink I haff such a service?”

“Well, I know there are plenty of griffins in Equestria, and I doubt they all live in a city or town with a griffin shop. So I expect there must be some sort of delivery service at one of them.”

“Ha! You are an intelligent one. Ja, ve haff delivery. Vhere do you live und vhat is it you vant delivered?”

“I'm a resident of Ponyville, though I currently don't have a permanent address. Derpy will be able to find me, though. As to the food itself, I prefer chicken and fish.”

“Und how much do you think you'll need per delivery?”

“Well, I usually only eat twice a day, and in larger than usual portions...” I looked at the portions in the counter/case before pointing at each of them. “I'd say four of each of this and this, once a week.”

“Once a veek for dose? Vell, I belieff dat much vill come to about ten bits a veek.”

“Excellent. That fits well inside my budget. Well, once I get my first pay. Which I presume will be at the end of this upcoming week.”

“Excellent! I'll send an address you can send the fee to vith the first shipment.”

“And I should have a permanent address to send back. Denke shoen. You know, I'm surprised you haven't asked what I am yet.”

“Vell, vhen one has had dragons und diamond dogs as customers, one tends to not ask qvestions.”

“I see. Well, in any case, thank you for having me! Aufvedersehen.”

“Aufvedersehen!”

With a wave, I left the store. Shining Armor was still there, and seemed to look less pensive than when I had gone in.

“So, you know the griffin language?”

“Back home it's called German. And I only know a smattering of it in any case.”

“And here I thought your people might be related to griffins. It would explain some of what you've told me.”

“No, humans are, scientifically speaking, related to primates. It'd be more interesting if we were related to griffins. Some of us might have wings. I'd like to try flying some day.”

“So there's only one kind of human?”

“Physically, yes. Mentally, well, we've already been over that. I'm not a prime example of the human form, though. I'm fatter than some, but skinnier than others, shorter than my dad and sisters, but taller than my mom and grandparents, that sort of thing.”

“So not everyone looks like you.”

“Yeah. It'd be creepy if everyone looked exactly the same. Although, I suppose that if everyone had always looked the same, then it would be normal instead of creepy.” He looked at me oddly before shaking his head and continuing to walk beside me. “So!” I clapped my hands. “Any place in Canterlot you'd recommend, now that I have my only errand done?”

“There's a few touristy spots, sure. I'd be happy to take you to a few of them.” The first place we visited was the Solar Square, which was apparently the place Princess Celestia raised the sun during the Summer Sun Celebrations that occurred in Canterlot.

We spent the rest of the day enjoying the city, with a stop for lunch where I was introduced to Cadence. Apparently, she worked at a cafe when she wasn't foalsitting. I knew it was Cadence instead of Chrysalis thanks to the aura of her magic being its true cyan colour instead of Chrysalis' poisonous green.

Shining Armor and I had a good time, which I found amusing that he was basically getting a paid break to “guard” me. While we were travelling around Canterlot, we the topic eventually got around to Twilight and I had to explain to him the reason behind my job and my foreknowledge. When he asked, and he eventually did, I told him that he should definitely pursue Cadence. He said he might have made the same decision eventually, but he wanted to make sure.

It was about four in the afternoon when a letter appeared in a trail of sparkly smoke, alerting us to return to the castle. We hurried on our way back, and met Spike and the Princess still in the throne room, a jar of sneezing powder and a pile of ash beside Spike. Spike was holding a whisk broom and dust pan, just starting to clean it up.

“How was your day, Joe, Shining Armor?” Princess Celestia asked.

“It was fine, Your Highness. I ran some errands, and then went to see the city. It's an interesting place, if a bit bright for my tastes,” I replied.

“Perhaps you should return at night sometime, the city glitters like a reflection of the night sky.”

“Perhaps. Speaking of the night sky, how is Princess Luna faring?”

“My sister is still recovering from her ordeal, but I am confident that she will be back on her hooves and working on the night sky again within a month. She's much better at it than I am.”

“Considering what I've seen of it the past few nights, it must be truly majestic under her influence.”

“Indeed it is.” A scroll floated over to me and I took it. “This is an official document declaring your position as Royal Liaison, and allows you free passage to or from Canterlot.” A small jar with a green flame floated beside me after. “This flame is similar to Spike's, and can send or receive letters, though the only target is me.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. I will send word when I have a home, and next week when I have a report.”

With another bow, Spike and I left the throne room, leaving Shining Armor to give a report on our activities for the day.

“So, does the sending require concentration now, or is it like a switch?” I asked as we walked down Main Street to the train station.

“It's a bit like a switch. We practiced with unnecessary documents until I was able to burn them all with a sneeze or send them to myself with a sneeze. Before, I had to concentrate to get normal fire over messenger fire, and keep that concentration the whole time.”

“Sounds neat.”

We boarded the train with my new pass and headed back to Ponyville. I took a nap that lasted until sundown and spent the night watching night sky, followed by the storm over Ponyville as the train grew nearer.

When we disembarked, the clouds were being swept away in the early morning, and I was yawning as the two of us headed for the library. It turns out that the night we were on the train was the night of “Look Before You Sleep,” as Twilight had a letter to send to the Princess when we arrived. I asked Twilight if I could spend the morning here, in a sleep sort of way. She agreed and I practically staggered up the stairs, took the coves and pillows off the guest bed before laying down on the floor and falling asleep. I'll start house shopping when I wake up.

Author's Note

To some of you, this title will make no sense whatsoever, so I'll explain right now: Every chapter that is not based in an episode will be named after a book. I have not read "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town," but my dad told me about it and it barely fits.

Next chapter will require some research before I can name it.

Chapter 5: June 30, The Lost World

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 5: June 30, The Lost World

I had been on a house hunt for three days, my ability to look for a whole day hampered by my sleep schedule. Thus far, I hadn't found a house that I wanted, even though there weren't many houses in Ponyville for sale. The main problem with most of them was that most of the houses were built with earth ponies in mind, so they didn't have the head room that places like Fluttershy's Cottage, built to accommodate her flight, had. So, I usually ended the house hunt of the day with a door-frame headache or low-ceiling back ache.

This day was a back ache day. As I left the house and waved good-bye to the salespony, Pennybags, Twilight came running up to me.

“Joe! I finally found that spell you wanted!” she said, book floating by her side.

“Cool. Is it difficult?”

“No, I can cast it right now, if you want.” I agreed and she started to cast the spell.

Looking back on it now, simply agreeing like that was a stupid idea. We should have read the fine print first.

My mind was assaulted by not just images, the recollection of the past, but by the full experiences. I found myself reliving every moment of my life simultaneously. The extreme range of positive and negative assaulted me and every emotion at once overwhelmed me and I fell back on basic instinct. And since I couldn't fight, I attempted flight.

As I ran, fast as I possibly could, I could hear Twilight calling my name. But I was too far gone to react properly. The path I took was blurred by the experience, certain things from the past still standing out slightly as I write this.

Meeting my best-of-best friend.

The accident that took his sister.

Meeting my other best friends.

Gramma Great's death.

Auntie Kate's death.

Having my heart played with by my third girlfriend.

Falling deeply in love with my fourth.

Proposing to Rae-chan and her acceptance.

Her breaking up with me because of my Asperger Syndrome-influenced obsession.

The times I lost my temper working at McDonald's.

As everything rushed by, I found myself stumbling through the Everfree, tripping over tree roots and barely missing the Poison Joke scattered through the underbrush.

Eventually, I came across a tree with a large cave in its roots as the harshness of the experience faded. I curled up in the cavity of the tree and cried. I don't know for how long.

I was out of tears at that point, though I was still sobbing, a million emotions still running through me. A rapping sound caught my attention and I flinched, a shadowed face popping into view.

“I say, what is that I hear? Is there a lost pony hidden in here?”

“Rhyming homophones is cheating,” I mumbled.

“And who are you to set rules for my rhyme? Now that we have met for the very first time?”

“'Time' and 'rhyme' are common. Try orange, silver, or purple.”

“I have been patient with you so far, why will you not tell me who you are?”

“If you don't mind, I'm trying to deal with a very traumatic experience. Several of them actually. So kindly leave.” Despite my gruff response, Zecora chuckled and replied.

“I may have something to help you at my home, please, follow me, and do not roam.” Her head moved out of the entrance and I stayed, still curled up as the memories began to sharpen again. Then they were almost shattered by Zecora's return. “You are quite stubborn, are you not? Until you listen, I shall stay in this spot.”

“It seems that just having someone to talk to is helping. I shouldn't've run like I did.” I rolled to my hands and knees, popping my back as I did so. “My appearance is probably going to startle you.”

“Living here, there is much that I have seen. Do not worry, I shall stay serene.” I crawled out and stood up, proving to myself that Zecora was just as tall as the other “little ponies.” “Much I have seen here in the Everfree, but your like does not exist in my memory.”

“I've been learning that humans are completely non-existent here, yeah. So, lead the way, Zecora.” She blinked and opened her mouth. “Yes, I know your name. I'm Joe McCord, I come from another reality, blah blah blah. Shadows, I'm tired of repeating myself. Maybe I should print pamphlets or something.”

Zecora shook her head and started walking, and I followed. “You spoke of experiences quite terrible. Tell me: what is so unbearable?”

“Ooh, that was a much more difficult rhyme,” I said. She looked back at me with a raised eyebrow. “Okay, okay. I asked my friend Twilight to find an eidetic memory spell so I could use perfect recall to write stories from my reality and sell them to ponies. Apparently, the spell she found didn't just give me perfect recall, but forced me to live all the memories simultaneously.”

“How do you mean 'simultaneously?' And how does it affect you so adversely?”

“Imagine every song you've ever heard playing on loop in your head at the same time. Then multiply it by feelings, smells, sights, and tactile sensations. I'd say feelings again, but that'd be confusing. Honestly, I'm surprised at how coherent I am right now. It's like the edge has been taken off, but that has me worried, too.”

“Worried? Worried in what way? Are you saying you'd rather the pain stay?”

“Not so much the pain, but... I've tried to shut off my heart. Not the physical one, but the emotional centre. The first time it was a side-effect. I've always had a terrible temper, and when I tried to reign it in, I deadened all my other emotions slightly. The second time was after the woman I loved broke up with me. Though I wasn't very successful that time, as I'd been feeling so much before then. Honestly, I still love her, and I've missed her so much these past three years.”

All the memories of my time with Racheal came into sharper focus than the others, and I fought back a sob.

“It is hard to lose one dear,” Zecora agreed, “by separation, death, or things unclear.”

“Yeah...” I took a deep breath and concentrated on 'now.' “As I was saying, what worries me is that I might be doing that again unconsciously. That I might come out of this an unemotional mass of logic. Well, okay, not THAT badly, but still.”

“But this turmoil you have so far survived,” she stopped. “Ah, it seems we have arrived.” I looked upon her tree/house. As I'd noticed before when I first looked at the Everfree, the place appeared more like a regular Earth tree, instead of the light brown of a typical Equestrian tree. Which made it all the more surreal to see windows and a door built into the trunk. We went inside and she started a cauldron to boil, as she asked me to recount my tale. She rarely interrupted, and, by the time I reached the events of that day, I had been served the most delicious tea I'd ever tasted.

“So you have seen our lives within this show. Tell me, is there anything I should know?”

“Well, the next time you try to come into town, presumably, you'll be followed partway back here by Applejack's little sister, Apple Bloom. The Mane Six will follow and wind up Poison Joke'd, regardless of your warnings, though I suggest you try anyways. Time can be rewritten. Anyhow, the next day, they'll think they've been cursed by you, and Twilight learns a lesson about assuming based on appearances. In your words: 'Maybe next time you will take a second look; and not judge the cover of the book.'”

With the next sip of tea, I realized the flood of experiences had begun to fade entirely. It wasn't me getting numb to them after so long. Instead, it seemed the spell was actually wearing off. I used the faded memories to check what time the spell had been cast, then asked Zecora for the current time.

I had been gone for almost half a day, and it was late evening now. I grabbed my ever-present Bag of Holding and pulled out a roll of parchment, my quill and ink, and Celestia's Flame.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I just wanted to let you know that I am alright, in case Twilight sent you a letter about what happened earlier today. If she hasn't, I will explain...

I then went on to explain the events of the day, including having met Zecora and a detailed description of “Bridle Gossip.” I signed the letter and sent it off. It wasn't long before I received a reply.

Dear Joe,

Thank you. I've sent a letter to Twilight that you are doing fine. She had indeed sent a letter explaining, and she was going to mount a search and rescue until I persuaded her to wait for news. Considering what Shining Armor told me of your conversation, I had confidence you would be alright.

Also, it seems that Twilight and the others are preparing a surprise for you, as well. Spend the night at Zecora's, and it should be ready by tomorrow afternoon. From what she's said, I'm sure you'll like it.

I expect your regular progress report on Friday.

Yours,
Celestia

“Well, it seems you'll have me as a guest for the night. I hope I'm not imposing.” I lay the letter on the table, to let her read it over.

“It will be good to have a guest. If you wish to stay, I will not protest.”

“Thank you. So, I've told you quite a bit about my home world, why don't you tell me about your home country?”

It turns out that her home country is actually called Zebafrica, and it's not too far to the south of Equestria proper. I never knew much about the culture of any of Africa's countries, except for Ancient Egypt and jokes about “President Madagascar,” so I had nothing to compare it to. Zecora had apparently been a shaman for her tribe, with her rhymes being used for a type of meditative purpose. Which, admittedly, was similar to several fics that I had read, but it made sense.

The cutie marks of Zebras were actually referred to by them as Marks of Destiny, and they were typically tribal iconography. Zecora's meant “foresight,” the spiral representing their view of time: rather than a straight line, or several straight lines, time was both circular and straight, which is why events seemed to repeat themselves, but were still different.

I even learned a few words of Zebafrican, at least in her tribe's dialect. Eventually, Zecora turned in for the night, and I used the still-active-but-fading memory spell to write at least one book. Now that the memories were faded and more like actual memories than a flood of sensations, I could focus on a single type with perfect recall. I'll have to let Twilight know that it just needs a lighter touch of magic than what she gave me.

I considered writing my favourite book, “Firebird” by Mercedes Lackey, but realized that a different book by the same author could be used, so I wrote “Brightly Burning.” I changed my mind because I realized that the Companions of the main characters would help transition the ponies of Equestria into human literature.

To explain, the Companions are creatures of magic shaped like horses, and when one considers the magical nature of Equestrians, a parallel could be drawn. If the spell could be perfected or hadn't completely faded by the next time I got the chance to buy more paper, I'd also write up “Firebird.” Unfortunately, writing out “Brightly Burning” used up all that I had with me at the time. I was running low on ink, too.

When I finally fell asleep, my hand was pretty cramped up and sore, but my sleep was peaceful. More than I thought it would have been with the aftereffects of the memory spell.

The next day, I asked Zecora to lead me out of the Forest, but also asked her to try and preserve the timeline at least until after the events of “Bridle Gossip.”

Just beyond the entrance of the forest stood the Mane Six and Spike. The instant I appeared, they rushed over, Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, and Fluttershy hugging the air out of me while Dash, AJ, and Spike stood beside us, still happy to see me.

“I'm so sorry, Joe. I didn't mean to overload the spell,” Twilight said, her eyes brimming with water.

“It's alright. I was actually going to tell you that once it started fading, it worked exactly how it was supposed to. I actually got a book off while I was in there.” I shifted my bag. “You'll have to look it over to make sure it's fit for Equestrian consumption.”

“Especially now that I know a bit about human culture.” Twilight smirked as I blinked confusedly at her. She explained. “Apparently, in overloading the spell the way I did I got a bit of a backwash of your memories. Nothing concrete, except for one thing.”

“And that would be?” I was a bit worried about her having accessed my future knowledge, but all she did was shake her head.

“Close your eyes,” said Fluttershy.

“Have we got a surprise for you!” cheered Pinkie. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, Fluttershy placing her head under my hand to lead me.

I stumbled a bit as I was led, and it seemed to be pretty far. After walking for about five minutes and explaining that I had stayed safe by hiding in a tree (Dash was disappointed, expecting a grand adventure), we stopped and I was asked to open my eyes.

I was not prepared.

Built into the side of a hill, looking exactly the same, was my house. Big and brown, with the porch exactly the same, and the address number was there...

“How?”

“Well, like I said, your memories left one concrete thing. You spent so much time here that I had a clear image of this house. It was just good luck that the actual numbers landed your house on a hill just outside Ponyville. Then, we all pitched in with the construction crew to get it built. Princess Celestia said she would take care of the bill?”

“Part of our deal with my salary as royal liaison,” I started for the kitchen door. “Come on in, I'll show you around.”

“But, what about the front door?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“No one uses the front door,” Twilight and I chorused.

“Except for people who've never been to the house and trick-or-treaters,” I continued.

I walked into the kitchen, and the only things that seemed to be missing were, reasonably enough, the microwave and the refrigerator, though there was an ice box. The TV and other “high technology” items were also probably not available.

“Well, as you can probably tell, this is the kitchen. Just to the right is the pantry-slash-coat closet.” I walked through the kitchen and caught sight of something on the end of the counter. “Huh. You even put in the baby gate.”

“Is that what that is?” asked Fluttershy.

“Mmhmm. Dad built it to keep us kids out of the kitchen back when we were too young to understand that we weren't allowed in. Just on the other side of the counter, here, is the dining room. Even though we only used it for big meals like Thanksgiving, birthdays, and Christmas.”

“Thanksgiving? Christmas?” asked Pinkie.

“The first is an regional holiday based around giving thanks, hence the name, for what we have. The other is a holiday similar to your Hearth's Warming Eve. There's a story my dad told me about a battle in a war, where, on Christmas day, the two sides stopped fighting and celebrated from their trenches, singing songs together and sharing food.” My face fell. “And the next day, they went back to fighting.”

Fluttershy placed a hoof on my hand. I smiled at her.

“Anyways, off to the side of the dining room, we have our parallel hallway next to the stairs. The first door in the hall was originally my elder sister's room, and the second is the bathroom. At the far end, right next to the doorway to the living room, is what was once my room, and beside that is the door to the laundry room and the hallway to the master bedroom and my room, which used to be my eldest sister's.”

“Eldest sister?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“It just seems more respectful to him,” Rarity explained, having asked that same question herself.

“Right. Downstairs, other than the sort-of entry room, is the Game Room, which I imagine is barren of the almost one thousand board games dad owned, the workshop, which probably doesn't have dad's tools, and dad's office-slash-recording room, which probably only has his desk.”

I smiled as Twilight rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof.

“It's alright. Most of that stuff doesn't exist here. I'm not surprised to see a lack of light switches and power outlets. I'll just have to start collecting all over again.”

“It seems a bit large for just one pony,” commented Applejack. “Er, person.”

“I'm... used to a lack of people. Mom is usually in the master bedroom, working on the house finances, though she has recently gotten another job. If dad's home, he's downstairs working on homework for his clients or playing music. And I'm either sitting in the living room, reading, writing, playing games, and/or watching television, or I'm sitting in my room doing that, except for TV.”

“TV, or television, is like the movie theatre, but smaller and in the house,” explained Twilight. Pinkie relaxed from a question-posing pose.

Entering the living room, I nearly walked into a low, black table in the middle of the room.

“Oh, wow, the old coffee table! It looks just like the original!” I sat down beside it and ran my hand over the ripples in the hardwood surface.

“You might wanna move, sugarcube,” said Applejack.

I turned with a questioning, “huh?” and quickly jumped back as Pinkie fired her Party Cannon at the table, then turned and fired it at the dining room table.

“It's time for your housewarming party!” Pinkie cheered.

And everypony reached into their saddlebags that I somehow hadn't noticed until right then, and pulled out a present. Except for Fluttershy, who flew up to the ceiling and rapped on it. Out of a vent over the stairwell flew a bat.

“Mr. Bat wanted to thank you for staying up with him when you stayed over at my cottage. I hope you'll take good care of him.”

I held up my arm, and the bat landed on my coat, hanging upside down. “Of course. I even have a name for him. How do you like Bacardi?” The bat chirped and flapped his wings. To explain, there was a picture back on Ponibooru of the bat from “May the Best Pet Win” with the YouTube caption “moonshine;” so, we decided that the bat's name was Bacardi. The name didn't get very far, even though I put it on the TV Tropes page for Ensemble Darkhorse.

As I contemplated Bacardi's diet, which I knew was insects, usually moths, I blinked. “Come to think of it, though this may seem a bit random, but it's the middle of summer and I haven't seen a single mosquito.”

“Mos... quito?” asked Fluttershy. “What's that?”

I raised an eyebrow, “Mosquitoes? They're insects about yea big that drink blood?”

Fluttershy tapped her chin. “I don't think I've ever heard of such an animal.”

A smile dawned on my face and I started singing. Specifically, I started singing the Hallelujah Chorus, before breaking down into laughter that quickly gained tears. It wasn't the lack of mosquitoes. At least, it wasn't that by itself. Everything that had occurred in the past few hours had finally caught up to me.

“What's wrong?” asked Rarity, placing a hoof on my leg. Bacardi flew up to my shoulder and rubbed his head on my cheek, using his wings like feet to keep himself steady.

“Smile when you're happy. Cry when you're sad,” I smiled, the tears still streaming down my face. “Do both when you're happier than you've ever been before.” I held out my arms and everyone joined in on a group hug.

“...Twilight? Your horn is in my ear.”

“Sorry.”

The party carried on all afternoon. Applejack's gift was some food to go in the cupboards and the ice box. Rarity had more clothes for me, which was a welcome gift now that I had a place to put them. Rainbow Dash gave me a cloud-made wind chime; I couldn't touch it without it dispersing, but it made a beautiful sound when the wind blew.

Twilight and Spike both gave me books, which were instantly sorted into the library that used to be my room. Pinkie's gift was, interestingly enough, cookware, which I put in the cupboard beside the stove. I would've put it under the stove, but they had installed a wood stove, as there aren't electric stoves in Equestria.

Fortunately, I cook by smell more than by timing, though Spike's recipe book would help with cooking some things. As long as I avoided anything with gems in it.

Eventually, the party wrapped up, Pinkie reloading her decorations into the cannon. I stepped out onto the front porch and waved goodbye to the Mane Six. The sun was just setting to my right, so I glanced left to watch the moonrise. For a few minutes or so after rising, I stared at the slightly yellow tint of the moon. That's right. I thought. One of Dad's oldest songs.

“Now how did it go?” I mumbled, before I attempted sing the song by memory. The memory spell had long since faded by now, and I was barely hanging onto some of the things I hadn't remembered before it was cast. So, I started with the chorus, the main part I could remember:

o/`Yellow Moon, rising through the sky. Yellow Moon, makes me wanna cry./

Those young, forgotten memories stand naked in the light, and Michigan is on my mind tonight./
My troubled mind is weary, the night has come too soon, and leaves me here beneath the Yellow Mooooo~ooon./

The autumn breeze is blowing, evening's nearly gone. The hazy night approaching as I walk along./
Yellow Moon, rising through sky. Yellow Moon, makes me wanna cry...o/`

I closed my eyes and turned to the door, a tear or ten slipping out as I walked inside.

Author's Note

Two big things about this chapter: 1) I had to borrow my dad's “Songwriter's Rhyming Dictionary” to write most of Zecora's lines (bloody thing's from '75 and hard to use. I couldn't find “one” because it's sorted by phonetics instead of alphabetically); and 2) I went back and reviewed Zecora's speaking patterns in “Bridle Gossip,” “Swarm of the Century,” and “Luna Eclipsed” and it turns out that she primarily speaks in couplets (once speaking two in a row).

If I really did wind up in another dimension, I think I'd miss my mom and dad and grandparents the most, and my best friends next. The lack of technology wouldn't be much of an issue. It sounds strange to some, but thanks to living out in the country like I do, we get pretty frequent power outages, at least once a winter, maybe if there's a nasty storm. Plus, being in the S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronisms) and the Boy Scouts has given me plenty of “roughing it” experience.

I'd just need some kind of story to keep me going, whether I'm coming up with it or I'm getting it from somewhere.

...I am such a geek.

Also, I realize that the book that formed the chapter title has nothing to do with the chapter itself, but the words of the title itself work well.

MINOR EDIT: I realized that it may seem like I was far too excited that mosquitoes didn't exist, so I made that reaction clearer. Also, I keep switching the words around in the name of "Brightly Burning."

Chapter 6: July 10, Boast Busters

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 6: July 10, Boast Busters

It was just over a week since I had sent along my finished manuscript for “Brightly Burning,” though the title was now “Mercedes Lackey's Brightly Burning” with the author's position marked with the words “Adapted for pony audiences by Joe McCord.” I asked Twilight if she wanted to be included in there, but she ultimately decided against it. She was still in my “dedicated to” addition to the book. I should be receiving word on how well it did in its first sales any day now.

I had been living comfortably in the empty version of my house, the normal clutter of my room practically non-existent at this point. I had put myself in the same room I had had when I was back home, mainly because the master bedroom was still “mom and dad's room,” and, depending on how long it took me to get back, I didn't want to get too comfortable with going in there. That would be awkward.

Other than my friends, barely anypony came to see me out here, but I was alright with that at the moment. Eventually, I'd get bored with being alone and head out into town, where I'd wind up browsing the marketplace and visiting the library. I had learned a great deal about Equestria from those trips alone. One thing I didn't find that got Twilight and I red-faced when I finally asked her was the, ah, “sensitivity” of unicorn horns.

She told me that, “Though some unicorns can shoot off sparks when excitement makes them lose control of their magic,” (she was really blushing here), “unicorns originally evolved as chargers, using their horns as weapons to fight off whatever was attacking them, since they hadn't had magic yet. If a unicorn's horn was... sensitive... like that, fights in those days would have had an entirely different context.”

I figured I'd let the subject die there. Someday, I might get around to asking Rainbow Dash about wings in the same context (Fluttershy would probably faint at the question), but not anytime soon.

I had just finished eating breakfast/lunch (chicken stir-fry with trial-and-error) and gotten bored with loneliness again, so I headed off into town. I hadn't gone too far when I heard a series popping sounds and saw some flashes of light from the town square.

I normally didn't give Trixie much thought, but one night at work, during a week I had been re-watching the series for some inspiration on a series of Magic: the Gathering cards I was working on, I suddenly realized that she had been treated unfairly. She made her boasts, but when Snips and Snails brought an Ursa into town, she was the one blamed and thrown out! And then, for who knows how long, she's ridiculed and ostracized!

That was seriously not right, so I figured I'd do something about it. Somehow. Probably look indignant and shout a bit about fairness.

Regardless, I decided to head for Trixie's wagon/stage... stage wagon? No, no, what I'm thinking of is called a “stage coach.” I've gotten off track again. When I arrived, she had just started her spiel on beating the false Ursa Major. Fluttershy was next to me at the edge of the crowd.

Huh. It certainly got dark. Wonder how she managed that. A few fireworks shot off before the lights seemed to coalesce into the shape of a bear with a starburst on its forehead.

“When all hope was lost, the ponies of Hoofington had no one to turn to. But the Great and Powerful Trixie stepped in! And with her awesome magic vanquished the Ursa Major and sent it back to its cave deep in the Everfree Forest!!”

“Suh-weet!” cheered Snips and Snails.

“That settles it!” Snips nodded.

“Trixie truly is the most talented, most magical, and most awesome unicorn in Ponyville!” Snails finished.

“No!” Snips shouted. “In all of Equestria!”

“How do you know?!” retorted Spike. “You didn't see it! And besides, Twil-” Twilight quickly zippered his mouth shut with a magic zipper.

Trixie laughed, “It's true, my enthusiastic little admirers! Trixie is most certainly the best in Ponyville!” After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. “Don't believe the Great and Powerful Trixie? Well then, I hereby challenge you, Ponyvillians -- anything you can do, I can do better. Any takers? Anyone? Hmm? Or is Trixie destined to be the greatest equine who has ever lived!? “

I glanced over Twilight and Spike's way as Trixie scanned the crowd, seeing them argue in whispers.

“How about you!” Trixie declared at last, pointing at Applejack. Twilight stepped back a bit as she stuttered a reply. “Well, little hayseed?”

Applejack rose to the occasion, and did a few rope tricks, which Trixie countered by magically tying her up with her own rope. As the crowd laughed a bit, Rainbow Dash challenged Trixie next.

“She's not actually doing things better than them at all,” I muttered, as Rainbow Dash was wrapped up in a rainbow. “I mean, if she was, she'd have actually done rope tricks or weather stuff.”

“But why is she being so mean in the first place?” asked Fluttershy.

“It's actually a style of comedy, called 'insult comedy.' It's usually done by making fun of audience members who stand out. She just takes it a few steps further.”

Rarity took the stage and showed off her fashion magic, which Trixie ruined with a single colour-change spell. As Rarity ran off, I smirked and stepped forward, climbing up onto the stage beside Trixie. She seemed wary at first, but her stage magician persona quickly overruled her apprehension.

“Can you do this?” I asked, and did that thing where you have your two middle fingers wiggling on either side of your connected hands, so that it looks like they're bending backwards or something, though I had to turn over my class ring to do it, or my hands wouldn't mesh properly. Unfortunately, her response was... not good. Her magical aura wrapped around my hands (odd feeling, that) and attempted to twist them into knots, like you see happen to a cartoon character.

I am NOT a cartoon character.

*CRUNCH* “AAAAAGH! MY HANDS!” I screamed, trying to untangle them from the crunchy mess they were in without causing me more pain than I was already experiencing. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”

Trixie stared wide-eyed at me and whispered in a horrified voice, “I thought they were an illusion. I...” I was then lead away by Twilight and Fluttershy, one fretting over my shattered hands, and the other glad for an excuse to get away. I'm sure you can guess which was which.

Twilight and Fluttershy led me to the hospital, which I had visited once before for a check-up of sorts. Twilight used her magic to numb my hands slightly, so that the likely excruciating pain didn't cause me to black out on the way, while Fluttershy was deftly using one of her wings to separate the mess, having had the practice on various animals who had broken limbs.

As soon as we got there, Nurse Redheart rushed me to a room, where I was met by Doctor Day, whom I had met on my previous visit. He was one of the rare non-Earth Pony members of the Apple Clan, and was actually Caramel Apple's older brother. He had chosen the name “Apple-a-Day” ironically at his cute-ceañera, having discovered a talent for medical practices.

He thanked Fluttershy and Twilight for their foresight and quickly put my fingers in multiple splints, followed by a series of bandages designed to keep my fingers still while they healed. He still wanted me to stick around for observation, and even took a magical x-ray of my hand, as many hospitals likely would, and I found myself at an impasse of sorts when the book cart stopped by.

I couldn't use my hands.

It wasn't that they were wrapped in bandages, I've done things without using my fingers for the challenge before, but whenever I tried to “grab” the book or turn a page, pain shot through my hands. It wasn't mind-numbing pain, but it was quite the distraction and I couldn't focus on reading.

Fortunately, I had a ready-made distraction in the form of Pinkie throwing me a get-well soon pseudo-party. The only reason it wasn't a full party was because the hospital had already made rules about Pinkie's parties.

A few minutes after she showed up, a thought struck me, “Hey, Pinkie. You said you'd do anything for your friends, and, well, there's gotta be a story about that.” Pinkie paused, and I saw her droop slightly. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I was just curious.”

“That's okay. I'll tell you later,” She said, then she instantly cheered up again. “So let's keep you cheered up! Laughter is the best medicine!”

“Oh, if only I could show you Patch Adams. It's a great movie based on that very phrase. Heck you'd probably love most of Robin Williams' movies. I've heard that a few scripts for stuff he's worked on have lines that just say 'Robin goes off here.'”

“Goes off?”

“For instance, he purportedly recorded ten hours of jokes as Genie in Aladdin.”

“Purportedly?”

“Er, it means something like 'rumored to have.' Oh, and there's the Marx Brothers...” And we spoke of movies and entertainment for the next hour, after which visitor hours were over. Though Rainbow Dash had needed an overnight stay for her wing in Read 'Em and Weep, I was only there for another few hours. Apparently, despite the graphic nature of my injuries and the pain I'd've felt without the numbing spell (or whatever it was called), the breaks in my bones were clean and they just needed to be kept in their splints to heal properly. Doctor Day told me to return for a check-up each day for the next week, and he'd also renew the bandages and the spell on them.

I discovered a new problem when I got back to my house: doorknobs. Faced with the issue, I promptly turned around and headed back to Ponyville. The sun was setting just then, and I had a feeling that there was soon going to be an Ursa Minor stomping up the street.

As I walked, I waved to the market ponies just closing up shop, which caused a bizarre tingling sensation in my bandaged hand. It feels strange, nice, but strange, that these ponies could accept me, a complete alien, after such a short time. There were a few things that helped, I know, like Pinkie introducing me to everypony when I first got here, and Princess Celestia making me a Royal Liaison.

As I neared town square, I glanced out at the Everfree Forest and noticed birds wheeling in the sky overhead and trees shaking. I was right, it was happening soon. The sun about finished setting just as I saw a pair of dots, orange and cyan, come racing out of the woods. And then I saw the bear.

From this distance, in which a pony was little more than a dot, I could see the entirety of the bear's face. As it got closer, I remembered: Trixie (and therefore most ponies) were about as big as one of this bear's toes.

I'm not much taller than a pony.

As I came to this realization, the Ursa managed to cover the distance in about six steps, and I heard a piercing shriek cut through the night air.

I raced to the town's edge, where Trixie had set up camp for the night, just in time to see a light blue blur run past, followed by Snips and Snails at a somewhat slower pace. I turned and sped after them as best I could.

Trixie soon found herself, alongside myself and the two town idiots, backed up against a dead end made of some houses as the Ursa approached. I glanced around in a minor (heh) panic, looking for an out for all of us, or some way to distract the thing. It was about twelve feet away or so, but I could smell something bizarre when it roared at us.

“Great and Powerful Trixie, you've got to vanquish the Ursa,” said Snips, sounding only a little scared.

“Yeah,” cheered Snails, “vanquish so we can watch.”

“It took a lot of trouble to get that thing here.” Snips nodded sagely.

“Wait, you brought this here?” Trixie gasped. “Are you out of your little pony minds?”

“You little idiots!” I yelled. “Did it not occur to you that this thing could eat you, BOTH of you, in one bite?!”

Snips blinked, “But, she's the Great and Powerful Trixie.” He said this as if that explained everything. I suppose, to him, it did.
Snails nodded, turning to Trixie, “Yeah, remember? You defeated an Ursa Major.” As if in response to this, the star-speckled bear roared. It was now directly in front of us and I could see down its throat. It wasn't just the wind of that roar that dropped me to the ground.

Trixie stood her ground, attempting to swallow her fear, “Uh, okay. Stand back.” As her horn glowed a pale pink, a rope snaked its way out of a nearby jar (with actual snake charmer accompaniment) and promptly tied itself securely around two toes on the Ursa's front paw.

“Heh. Piece of cake.” Trixie smiled hopefully. I twitched as the Ursa snapped the rope like... something very snappable.

“Aw, come on, Trixie,” complained Snips.

“Stop goofin' around and vanquish it, eh?” agreed a suddenly yooper Snails. (For those who don't know, “yoopers” are people from the upper peninsula, or U.P., of Michigan).

With another swallow, Trixie summoned a storm cloud, that wasn't bad considering the air didn't seem to get any drier to form it. The flash of lightning didn't seem to do anything, though.

“Well, that was a dud.”

“Yeah,” agreed Snips, “come on! Where's all the cool explosions and smoke and stuff like earlier? You know. “

“Stop antagonizing the giant bear!” I pleaded. My cries went unheeded as Trixie's cloud proceeded to zap the bear in it's posterior.

“Uh-oh,” Trixie whimpered. The Ursa roared in response and with a scream, the ponies took off, zipping directly underneath it. My estimation of its size was off, because they were only barely short enough to make it under. A moment later, I rolled to my feet, wincing slightly as my hands touched the ground, and with a chorus of repeated under-my-breath cursing (“Shit, shit, shit shit shitshitshitshit!”) I booked it the best I could around the bear.

As I attempted to dash by, it roared and took a swipe that I barely managed to dodge. Thank you, Tae Kwon Do! I was only a green belt, but woo! In rage, apparently at missing, the gargantuan baby bit into the roof of a nearby house. I caught up with them just as Twilight did.

“What's going on?” she asked.

“We brought an Ursa to town,” declared Snips, proudly.

“You what?!”

“Yell at them later, you need to get rid of that thing!” I shouted.

“Don't worry,” Snails offered, “the Great and Powerful Trixie will vanquish it.”

Trixie hung her head and finally admitted, “I can't.”

“What?!”

“Oh, I can't, I never have. No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better.”

“Made it up!?”

“Obviously! She's a person!” I shouted. “People do stupid things to appeal to other people!” With a couple loud thuds, the growling of the Ursa intensified, and I turned just as it rose onto its hind legs, the moon shining through its head. For reasons I'll likely never realize, I shouted, “Where's its brain?!” as I backed away as best I could.

Everyone gasped as the Ursa roared again, its, again, bizarre-smelling breath flowing over the crowd, before it lowered itself back to all fours and stomped towards us. Twilight stepped forward past me and grunted softly as her horn began to glow. With an chill down my spine, the wind picked up and music began to float through the air. As it filled the air, the bear began to smile dreamily and sway forth-and-back.

“Nice use of number sixteen,” muttered Spike behind me. The glowing of Twilight's horn intensified several magnitudes, as the water tower just outside town began glowing the same magenta shade. It lifted into the air and... unscrewed? Didn't know water towers could do that.

All the water was poured out of the tower and it began floating its way into the Cattle-Kind Dormitory Barn (which, despite its name, was cows-only, no bulls allowed). As it went through the building, there were several panicked moos and one “Golly, dont'cha know?” before it came out the other side.

“That's new,” said Spike. As Twilight screwed what was now a milk tower back together (how did it get that full? Were there that many cows in that dorm?), the Ursa Minor nearly toppled over onto Trixie and I, but it was caught just before that could happen.

Now Twilight's horn wasn't just glowing, it was practically a magic bonfire, complete with sparks. The force and concentration she was putting into her spells made even more evident by her hooves digging into the dirt road. The bear was lifted into a cradling position before it was give the new milk-tower-baby-bottle and it gently floated down the road and back into the forest.

After a few tense minutes of glowing, Twilight finally relaxed, panting.

The crowd that had accumulated started cheering, Dash's and Spike's sticking out more than the others'.

“Heavens to Betsy!” Applejack cheered. “We knew you had ability, but not that much!”

Twilight shrank back from her friends, “I'm sorry. Please, please don't hate me.”

“Hate you?” They chorused.

“Why, whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity continued.

“Well, I know how much you all hated Trixie's showing off with her magic tricks, and I just thought-”

Dash interrupted, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Magic's got nothing to do with it. Trixie's just a loudmouth.”

“Most unpleasant.” “All hat and no cattle.” Rarity and Applejack agreed. Huh. Don't recall hearing that turn of phrase before.

“So, you don't mind my magic tricks?” Twilight tried tentatively (ooh, alliteration!).

Applejack nodded, “Your magic is a part of who you are, sugarcube, and we like who you are. We're proud to have such a powerful, talented unicorn as our friend.”

“And after whuppin' that Ursa's hind quarters, we're even prouder,” Dash agreed.

“You are?”

Everypony made noises of agreement.

“Wow, Twilight,” said Spike, “how'd you know what to do with that Ursa Major?”

“That's what I was doing when you came looking for me,” Twilight explained. “I was so intrigued by Trixie's bragging that I was compelled to do a little reading up on them.”

“So it is possible to vanquish an Ursa Major all by yourself?”

“That wasn't an Ursa Major, it was a baby, an Ursa Minor.”

Trixie's jaw fell open. “That was just a baby?”

“And it wasn't rampaging, it was just cranky because someone woke it up.” She glared at the town idiots.

“Awww...” Snips and Snails chorused.

Spike looked confused. “Well, if that was an Ursa Minor, then what's an Ursa Major like?”

“Picture something five times as big as that, with purple fur and claws and fangs bigger than me,” I said flatly.

“Whoa.”

“Huh,” Trixie scoffed. “You may have vanquished an Ursa Minor, but you will never have the amazing, show-stopping ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie reared up and stomped the ground, releasing a bit of magic to create a smokescreen, before turning to run away.

“Whoa, hold it!” I shouted, standing in front of Trixie. My arms were held wide in an attempt to keep her from running. She flinched at the bandages on my hands. “So these two kids bring an Ursa Minor into town, which smashes up your only home and the first thing you think to do after being saved is run away?!” Trixie did a slight double-take, but I kept going. “You just lost everything!”

“Trixie will be fine!” she protested, trying to get around my outstretched arms. I just leaned to whatever side she made for. “She's.. just going to start over! It's nothing for a star like herself!”

“Oh? And what would you do if the ponies of other towns decided they didn't care about your tricks, just because your story fell through?” I had forgotten that she was going to run away herself, I thought she was going to be run out of town. I had been in the hospital all afternoon and I had forgotten to prepare for this! I still needed to figure out a compelling argument without revealing too much to her of Magic Duel! “How are you going to start over then?”

Snips and Snails stepped forward then, saving me from having to come up with more.

“We're sorry, oh Great and Powerful Trixie,” they said in unison, heads bowed.

“Yeah, we didn't mean to ruin anything,” Snips continued.

“We just wanted to see some awesome magic!” Snails finished, smiling vapidly at her. Snips jabbed him in a foreleg with an elbow-knee, making him duck his head again. Trixie looked between them in confusion.

“I supposed I might have some fault in this, too,” Spike admitted, kicking at the ground.

“Spike?!” gasped Twilight.

“I told Snips and Snails that they shouldn't believe Trixie about fighting an Ursa if they didn't see her do it. I had no idea they'd do this!”

“The three of you will need to help Trixie clean up her things, then,” I said. “Hopefully, there's some salvageable stuff in there.”

I glanced over as I felt a tug on my shirt, Trixie's magic glowing on the hem. “Why are you so concerned for Trixie? Especially after what Trixie did to your hands?”

“Because it's the right thing to do. The universe itself may not be a fair place, but that doesn't mean we can't be fair. I've only temporarily lost use of my hands, you lost what was essentially your house. That means you deserve more sympathy than I do. Besides, Doctor Day says they should be fine within a week, as long as I keep going back for check-ups. Magic is a glorious thing.”

Trixie blinked “Trixie thinks that she will stay with you. At least until she is done here in Ponyville. She will be your hands to make up for breaking them.”

I blinked. “I suppose you can, if you want. Just don't be surprised if you find yourself never being 'done here in Ponyville.' In any case, can you stop it with the third person talk? It won't help you make friends, you know.”

Trixie scoffed, “What need does Trixie have of friends?”

“Everyone needs at least one friend. I was quite the loner back home, always with my nose in a book, but I still had friends I couldn't do without. Heck, if I hadn't made friends with Twi and the others, I might've gone mad here. Well, madder. There's even a song where I come from, though I can't recall the words right now, called 'No Man is an Island.'” Shadows. You never really do know what you've got 'til it's gone, hm?

I turned toward home, singing the Friendship is Magic end theme as I walked, Trixie following not far behind, looking pensive.

Author's Note

It's curious how this chapter took so long, considering I had bits of it already written when I started this story. In fact, the end of the chapter was the first part I ever wrote.

As stated in an earlier Author's Note, I had decided to write as much as I could without watching the episode before going back and editing it to show the fallacy of my memory in-story. I originally wrote the last bit of this believing that Trixie was forcibly ostracized from Ponyville, and my speech was originally geared towards convincing Ponyville to not do that. The hands thing was actually written long after that and incorporated into the scene as a reason to get Trixie to stay.

I also originally believed that more damage had been done that just Trixie's cart getting stepped on and a roof being bitten, which just made Snips, Snails, and Spike's “punishment” that much less sense-making. Seriously, they bring a highly destructive giant bear into town (and who knows, Ursas could probably EAT PONIES?!), it causes property damage, and they just get community service and mustaches?!

And that's why I started writing this story.

I do have other scenes already written up, but the next one I have prepared won't show up for another sixteen or so chapters.

Join me next time for Bridle Gossip with added me and Trixie! I already have our Poison Jokes picked out!

Chapter 7: July 17/18, Bridle Gossip

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 7: July 17/18, Bridle Gossip

“So, Super Cheesy Noodle Dish again? Or do you feel comfortable cooking some fish?” I asked. Trixie sighed.

“Trixie realizes she promised to be your hands until they were better, but she didn't realize you were a meat-eater.” Still, as she started complaining, she had pulled out all the dishes and ingredients required to start cooking the “cheesy dish.” “Also, she did not expect one such as you to be so boring.”

“Hey, horses, and ponies by extension, are capable of eating meat. Sure, they're not supposed to, but they can. I remember this one book, an old one, called 'Gunsmith's Boy.' It took place during a year-long winter back in Earth's year 1814 and because there were so few crops growing the main characters kept their horse fed with salted pork jerky or something like that.”

Trixie sighed again as she set the pot to boil. “I- Trixie knows, you've told her often enough. All you ever do is talk about things you've read, never things you've done.”

“Well, there was this one time I got sucked into an alternate reality and somepony broke my hands while I was there.” I joked.

Trixie face-hoofed. “I still don't understand how you can be so... flippant about your hands, either.”

I shrugged. “I'm wyrd. Plus, Doctor Day says that today's the day the bandages come off.” I checked the clock over the kitchen door. “Looks like its almost time for my appointment, too.”

“Then why did you have Trixie start cooking lunch?!” she shouted.

“No, no. There's time enough to eat, then we go to the hospital. Calm down, Trix.” I waved my bandaged hands placatingly. My time living with Trixie had been an exercise for my patience. Everything I did annoyed her, and I once quipped that my house was roughly one-third the size of her ego (obviously, I was the only one who thought that was funny).

Celestia hadn't been very enthused about what had happened when I sent along my report, but she agreed that keeping Trixie in Ponyville would probably be for the best.

We quickly ate the Super Cheesy Noodle dish, which was my own “invention” based on the instant Mac & Cheese recipes, but with spaghetti-type noodles or dried ramen instead of macaroni. Technically, it should be called the “Super Dairy Noodle dish, but the cheese is the most important part.

Anywhoozle, after cleaning the dishes, we made our way to the hospital, where Doctor Day proceeded to remove the bandages and proclaim my hands healed, but, for safety purposes, he asked me to come back the next day, as well as if I felt any pain moving my fingers. It was on our way back through Ponyville that we noticed something was off.

“Curious,” Trixie commented. “Where has everypony gone?” A tumbleweed bounced past as we walked, and I raised an eyebrow.

“Psst!” I looked up and saw that we were only a couple yards from Sugarcube Corner. “Joe! Trixie!”

“Pinkie?” I asked. Pinkie was pretty much the only pony other than Snips and Snails who seemed to have any inkling of fondness for Trixie. Mostly because Pinkie seemed to like everypony who wasn't actively mean, and Trixie hadn't done any insult comedy for a while.

“Come here! Hurry!” she hissed. Trixie and I glanced at each other and shrugged before walking up to the door. “Oh!” she gasped quietly. “Twilight! Spike!” And sure enough, Twilight and Spike were standing directly behind us. I jerked my head towards the door and we all walked into the darkened sweets shop.

As we entered the wonderfully dim store, I raised my hand to move my sunglasses up to my forehead, only for them to shimmer in Trixie's magic aura and lift themselves up. I blinked in surprise and looked over to her, to see her wearing her usual bored expression from when she's “acting as my hands.” Apparently after a week of doing things for me that I couldn't, it's almost become reflexive for her. I just wiggled my working fingers back at her, making her blush lightly at her “slip.”

I flinched as Pinkie turned on a flashlight, before she turned it on her own face. After a couple blinks to get the spot out of my eyes, I saw Apple Bloom and the rest of the Mane Six gathered around us.

“Pinkie, what are you doing here alone in the dark?” asked Twilight.

“I'm not alone in the dark,” Pinkie countered. Apparently, it took Twilight's eyes a moment to adjust to the dim interior of the store.

“Okay, then... What are you all doing here in the dark?”

“We're hiding from her!” said Applejack, pushing a curtain aside slightly. The light of day made me flinch again, but I hung back in the shadows as the others went to look out the window at Zecora.

I hadn't asked Zecora when she was next going to try coming into town, but I ran through my memory of “Bridle Gossip” as best I could when Pinkie ushered us in. If I remembered right, Apple Bloom goes after Zecora to prove she's “a big pony,” which gets the Mane Six into the Poison Joke.

So that still needed to happen. I didn't need to go with them, but I probably should to keep up appearances. I'd just do my best to steer clear of the Poison Joke. If I hang at the back of the group when they-

“Did ya see her, Twilight?” half-shouted Apple Bloom, startling me from my thoughts. “Did ya see... Zecora?”

“Apple Bloom! Ah told ya never ta say that name!” Applejack gasped.

“Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself,” I countered.

Twilight looked at me curiously before answering Apple Bloom. “Well, I saw her glance this way...”

“Glance eeeeevilly this way,” Pinkie “corrected.”

“And then most of you flipped out for no good reason,” Twilight finished with a half-lidded look at Pinkie. Trixie merely nodded in agreement.

“No good reason?” Applejack said. “You call protectin' yer kin no good reason?! Why as soon as mah sister saw Zecora comin' inta town, she started shakin' in her little horseshoes!” To emphasize her statement, she began shaking Apple Bloom herself.

“Di-i-i-i-id no-o-o-o-ot!” Apple Bloom stuttered.

“You guys actually wear horseshoes?” I said, blinking. “How can I not see them?” Everyone looked at me confusedly at my apparent non-sequitur. I held up my hands. “Okay, bad timing. I'll ask again later.”

Shaking off her confusion, Applejack picked up where she left off, popping Apple Bloom onto her back. “She was so scared, Ah swept her up and brought her here!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “I walked here myself!”

“For safe keepin',” Applejack affirmed.

“Applejack! I'm not a baby! I can take care of myself!”

“Not from that creepy Zecora!”

“So, what happened to not saying her name?” I needled. This time just Applejack alone turned to glare at me.

“She's mysterious,” Fluttershy continued.

“Sinister,” agreed Dash.

“And spoooooooooky!” Pinkie added.

Twilight groaned as she glanced out the window again, Trixie patting her on the back in sympathy. Everypony gasped a moment later, eliciting another groan from Twilight.

“Will you cut that out?!” she asked.

“Just look at those stripes!” Rarity said, flinching back slightly. “So garish.”

“She's a zebra.” This matter-of-fact statement was met with a nice big “a what?” from almost everypony other than Twilight.

“A zebra,” Trixie confirmed. “Trixie has met a few zebras in her travels. They hail from the extra-Equestrian country Zebafrica and the stripes are their natural colouration.”

At this news, Rarity apparently found reason to faint.

Twilight nodded in confirmation of Trixie's explanation. “But I've never seen her in Ponyville. Where does she live?”

“That's just it,” Applejack said, “she lives in... the Everfree Forest!” As if he heard her, Spike knocked over a stack of pans in the kitchen. It almost sounded like thunder, if thunder clanked.

“Spike!”

“Uh, sorry,” Spike apologized, tiptoeing out of the kitchen with a pot on his head and a pan in one claw.

“The Everfree Forest just ain't natural,” Applejack said in an almost-horrified whisper. “The plants grow-”

“-the animals care for themselves-” Fluttershy continued.

“-and the clouds move-” Rainbow Dash added.

“-all on their own!” they finished together.

“Sounds just like home,” I remarked. Rarity fainted again. I hadn't even noticed her get up to do so in the first place. At the horrified stare of almost everyone else, I rolled my eyes. “Humans have no magic, remember? Earth's ecosystem works on its own, though there have been a few experiments in the field of weather control.”

Twilight nodded in agreement, “Though there are farms and such that raise and breed both plants and animals.” It was still a little odd to hear Twilight talk about home as if she had lived there her whole life, when she had actually lived there for all of my life thus far (discounting the almost-month in Equestria).

Pinkie hopped into the middle of the group, hoof raised, “And that wicked enchantress Zecora lives there doing her evil...stuff! She's so evil I even wrote a song about her!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”

Pinkie's “Evil Enchantress” song was a little fast-paced and tuneless at this point. I definitely preferred the version sung by Flutterguy. I wondered if Blu Mankuma would ever return to the show for season four, then sighed when I wondered if I would even see season four when it happened.

“Wow,” Twilight said, blinking bemusedly. “Catchy.”

“It's a work in progress,” Pinkie agreed, stepping off the table she ended her song on.

“But this is all gossip and rumours. Tell me, what exactly have you actually seen Zecora do?”

“Well,” Dash started, “once a month she comes into Ponyville.”

“Oh?” remarked Trixie with a raised eyebrow, interrupting Twilight's own attempt at dramatic snark.

Rarity nodded, “Then, she lurks by the stores.”

“Oh, my,” I added, using my best George Takei impression. Twilight almost laughed, but kept her cool. Even if she was exhibiting classic Liarjack scrunchyface.

“And then, she digs at the ground,” Fluttershy concluded.

“Good gracious,” Twilight finished, hoof held over her forehead. Then the three of us looked at each other and broke down laughing. After a moment of being glared at, we recovered, though I had to hold my hand over my mouth to stifle any more giggles.

“Okay, but seriously,” Twilight said, “how is any of this bad? Maybe she comes to town to visit?”

Apple Bloom nodded enthusiastically, “Yeah! Maybe she's tryin' ta be neighborly!”

“And perhaps,” Trixie continued, “she's just trying to go shopping? If Trixie had shown up in a full-body cloak like that and tried to visit a store, she'd almost expect to be turned away from any reputable establishment.” Guess that means Uncle Curio's shop isn't “reputable.”

“Yeah!” Apple Bloom agreed easily. “Everypony likes ta shop! Know what I think?”

“Apple Bloom!” Applejack interrupted. “Hush, and let the big ponies talk.” My hand slid from my mouth to my eyes in a short face-palm. I tuned out the conversation as I watched Apple Bloom mutter to herself and start tiptoe... Tip-hoof? Except hooves are just one big toe... I remember that from science class, dealing with the evolution of horses. I nodded resolutely. Tiptoe it was. By the time I had decided that, however, she was already out the door.

I cleared my throat as Twilight was almost angrily informing Pinkie of the shared dietary concerns of Zecora, Pinkie, and herself. Everypony looked over to me.

“When attempting to protect someone, its usually best to not tell them that they can't handle something,” I said, finger raised. “That almost guarantees that the subject in question will attempt to prove you wrong.” Everyone looked confused at my point, until I pointed at the space Apple Bloom had been standing.

“Where's Apple Bloom?!” cried Applejack.

“The door's open!” “She went outside!” “And Zecora's still out there!” cried Fluttershy, Rarity and Dash.

“That silly lil' filly! I told her to stay put!”

As everyone, myself included, prepared to head after her, Twilight told Spike to stay behind, in case she came back before us. Everyone took off at a gallop. Except me. Because I can't. I ran as fast as I could, but they out-paced me, and it wasn't long before I was panting with my hands on my knees.

“I'm... a geek!” I panted. “I'm not... built...! for... physical... activities!” I was then rescued as Applejack ran back and flipped me onto her back. I scrabbled for a moment to find a grip that wouldn't seem awkward, and wouldn't let me slip off, and we quickly caught up with the others. “Thanks, AJ.”

“Not a problem, partner,” she said, looking at me over her shoulder with one eye. We quickly caught up with the others. I had never truly ridden horseback before, and bareback was a little... rough. Between my winces with every hoof-fall, I saw we were rapidly approaching the entrance to Everfree. And before I could ask to get off, we were in the middle of a massive patch of Poison Joke. I could see the path Zecora and Apple Bloom had taken just a few feet to Fluttershy's left.

Quoth the Hero of Oakvale: “Shit.” (I didn't actually say that, but it definitely crossed my mind.)

“Apple Bloom!” Applejack shouted. “You get back here right now!” Apple Bloom and Zecora spun around to look at us. I felt Applejack's shoulder roll beside my knee, urging me to get off her. I inhaled and tried to push myself clear of the light blue leaves surrounding us.

I failed. Of course. To add injury to insult, I also landed face-first in the accursed plants. I fervently hoped that it wasn't going to affect my voice. I like my voice.

“Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!” Zecora cried.

“Too late,” I mumbled.

While I grumbled to myself, the others collected Apple Bloom and everyone, even Trixie, waded through the Poison Joke while scolding Apple Bloom for running off on her own. However, the conversation quickly turned to Zecora cursing everypony.

“You guys, there's no such thing as curses!” Twilight shouted over Pinkie's song.

“Well, that's interesting to hear coming from Miss Magic Pants herself,” Dash said.

“What would a pegasus know of magic?” retorted Trixie. “I have travelled far and wide and have yet to see anything resembling curses! The humiliations I inflict are temporary and illusory.”

Twilight nodded. “Unicorn magic comes from within. It's a skill we're born with. Curses are artificial, fake magic. It's conjured with potions and incantations; all smoke and mirrors meant to scare. But curses have no real power, they're just an old pony tale.”

“Just you wait, Twilight,” Applejack said in an ominous voice. “You're gonna learn that some pony tales really are true.”

“Like Nightmare Moon,” I said, seemingly agreeing with Applejack. “Everyone thought that was just an old pony tale.” Twilight looked sheepish. That was one of those things that bugged me about her claiming curses were “an old pony tale.”

We returned to Ponyville, splitting up along the way. First, Fluttershy to her cabin, then Rainbow Dash to her cloud-house, then Applejack ran off with Apple Bloom back to Sweet Apple Acres. Rarity bid us a good night as we passed the Boutique, then Twilight went with Pinkie to pick up Spike from Sugar Cube Corner, leaving Trixie and I to head back to my house.

As we approached the kitchen door, Trixie reflexively opened them, and we passed through.

“Are you staying up to read again?” she asked, as we crossed into the dining room.

“Yeah, I've got that book on pegasus anatomy to finish up. But, hey, I've got my hands back, now. You can go to bed now if you want.”

With a yawn, Trixie nodded and headed off to the master bedroom, which she had claimed as her own. Despite staying up with me to help me read while my hands were broken, she always found it difficult to stay awake the whole night with me. It probably didn't help that I would often read out loud to her as well.

I was halfway into the chapter about a pegasus' natural magic, the part that allows them to manipulate the atmosphere, when it happened: the words started crawling across the page. I mean that literally. The words grew little legs and they just started crawling all over the book. Freakiest thing I'd ever seen. And then I moved my hand to feel the page and everything was just... whoa.

I have no idea how long I spent fascinated by my room and the movement of... things. The next thing I recall, Trixie was shaking me awake with her magic. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it from the bizarre memory of the night before and noticed that I was lying on the floor.

“Joe?” she asked.

“That was trippy,” I commented. “I wonder if that's what LSD or acid is supposed to be like.”

“What?”

“Never mind.” I moved to sit up, and wound up doing crunches instead. “Um.” I tried again to put weight on my elbows and leverage myself up. “I...” I rolled onto my stomach and attempted to pick myself up that way. My arms flopped uselessly at sides. “I can't move my arms.”

“You should see them.” Taking her advice, I glanced down at my arms. They were covered in blue spots.

I took a deep breath. “I'm very tempted right now to say the seventh 'f' word of my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“There's a strong curse word back on Earth that's a synonym for intercourse and it starts with the letter 'f.' I've done my best to use the word as little as possible.”

“Ah.” I inch-wormed my way across the floor to a wall and did my best to climb up the wall to a sitting position, then looked curiously at Trixie.

“You seem awfully quiet. What happened to you?”

She instantly looked defensive. “What makes you think anything has happened to T- to me?” That instantly got my attention. She's occasionally used pronouns before switching back to her name, but she has never done the opposite.

“Trixie... What happened... to you...” I leaned forward, tucking my feet under me to sit in the traditional Japanese seiza position, before levering myself onto my feet and standing again.

“Nothing is wong with Twixie!” she shouted. Then quickly put her hoof over her mouth. I bit my lips in an attempt to keep from laughing.

“Elmer Fudd Syndrome!” I choked out. I then breathed deeply a few times to get myself under control. “Okay, okay. Okay. We need to go to the library.”

“Why?” asked Trixie.

“Because that's where everypony else is going to be, and we'll need to meet up with them before we can get this fixed.”

“How do you-”

“Future knowledge!” I shouted. “Let's go!” I marched towards the door. Trixie danced in place for a moment before following me, opening the door before me.

It was awkward, running with floppy arms. I felt like Harry Potter after Lockheart tried to heal his broken arm, times two. Namely, it felt like I had a pair of rubber hoses attached to my shoulders instead of arms.

The “Gweat and Powahfuw Twixie” was doing her best to keep from talking, or at least using words with “l”s and “r”s in them. Considering the frequency of those letters, her sentences tended to be very short.

We got to the library just as Dash smashed in the door, negating any need to open it for us or Rarity, who had arrived at the same time.

“-Curse!” finished Dash, tangled in a ladder.

“I'm afraid I must agree,” Rarity said, blowing the hair out of her face, shocking Twilight and Spike.

Apple Bloom and Applejack came in behind us. “Ah hate ta tell ya Ah told ya so, Twilight, but Ah told ya so!”

“If people hate to say it, why do they say it anyways?” I mused aloud. I wasn't surprised to be ignored.

“It's a curse, Ah tells ya!”

“But, Fluttershy seems just fine!” Twilight countered. “So does Trixie, for that matter!”

“I suppose the spots give away the status of my arms,” I said, swaying from side-to-side to let them flop around. “But as for Trixie-”

“Don't!” she shouted. I just rolled my eyes and looked at her. She gave a long-suffering sigh “Fine. I have what Joe wefews to as 'Ewmah Fudd Syndwome.'”

With that confirmed, they turned to Fluttershy. Twilight began the barrage of questions. “Fluttershy? Are you okay?” Fluttershy looked away. “Is there something wrong with you?” Fluttershy nodded. “Would you care to tell us?” She flinched. “So... you're not going to tell us?” Fluttershy nodded. “Yes you're not, or yes you will?” She shook her head.

“No meaning yes?” I tossed in.

“Good gravy girl!” shouted Applejack from the table. “What's wrong with you?!”

“I don't wanna talk about it,” rumbled the deep voice of Blu Mankuma. I like that voice.

Spike just broke down laughing. “This is hilarious! Look at all of you! We got: Hairity, Rainbow Crash, Spitty Pie, Apple Teeny, Twixie, Flutterguy, and... uh... I got nothin'... Twilight Sparkle. I mean seriously, I can't even work with that.” He looked at me. “Okay, I can't get anything out of your name either.”

I shrugged, arms flopping at my sides as Twilight laughed sarcastically. “This is no joke, Spike! Now start looking for more books so I can find a cure!”

Spike groaned.

As everypony started shouting about getting Zecora to remove the not-a-curse, I sidled over to the door, and snuck out just before Apple Bloom. When she came out, she stopped short on seeing me, but when I jerked my head in the direction of the forest, she smiled and we headed off at a decent pace, my much longer legs letting me keep up with her light gallop far easier than a more grown-up pony.

As we entered the forest, Applejack's voice rang out. “Stop right there!” Apple Bloom screeched to a halt, Applejack popping out of her hair right after. “Turn around right now, you two!”

Apple Bloom and I looked at each other. “No,” she answered.

“NO?!” shouted Applejack. “You can't ignore a direct order from your big sister!” With a toss of her head, Applejack popped into the air, before being caught by Apple Bloom in her mouth like a kitten. She quickly set AJ on a nearby branch.

Apple Bloom chuckled, “Sorry Applejack, but I'm the big sister now.” She started trotting away.

“Don't worry, AJ. RD and the others should be along soon. See you at Zecora's!” I waved as I left, AJ's tinny voice barely audible at that distance. At the rate we were travelling, it wasn't long before we actually reached Zecora's hut. Along the way, I told Apple Bloom what Poison Joke was all about.

“Ah, Joe, it is good to see you,” Zecora said smiling. “It seems your prophecy has rung true.”

“You two know each other?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Not sure if AJ mentioned the night I disappeared, but I wound up in the Everfree Forest. Zecora encountered me and helped me through a tough time.”

“Judging from the spots on your arm, it seems you have come to some harm.”

“Yeah, Poison Joke seems to have disabled my arms, just after my hands finally finished healing.” At her inquisitive look, I twitched my shoulder in an attempt to raise my arm. “Long story.”

“I have a recipe to cure your friends and you, but I am at a critical point in the cooking of my brew.”

“I can help!” Apple Bloom said. I nodded.

“Give us a list with descriptions and the two of us should be able to gather them for you. Just... Be careful. It's about to get messy when the others show up.” After a couple moments, Zecora had a list copied out of her Super Naturals book and gave it to us. Well, she gave it to Apple Bloom along with a set of saddlebags that she adjusted for the filly's back.

And so, we set out to gather some herbs. It was rather tedious, especially since I was pretty well useless without my arms and hands. The most I could do was keep watch for dangerous animals. It was surprising, actually, how quickly we were able to gather the plants. They all seemed to grow in the same general area. Might be more Everfree magic.

Though it didn't seem long to us, by the time we had returned to Zecora's hut, the Mane Six (plus Trixie) were already present.

“Where. Are. Apple Bloom. And. Joe.” Twilight practically snarled.

“Hey, Zecora, I think we found everything for ya,” I said, nudging the door completely open with my foot, Apple Bloom following me in.

Apple Bloom stopped short as she saw the mess in the hut, “What in Ponyville is goin' on here?”

“Guys! You're okay!” cheered Applejack.

“Well, yeah. I told you we'd meet you here,” I said.

“Why wouldn't we be okay?” Apple Bloom agreed.

“Because Zecowa's an eviw enchantwess who's cuwsed us and was gonna cook you into soup!” Trixie said.

Zecora and Apple Bloom laughed.

“Trixie. You of all ponies should know better,” I said, struggling to not crack up myself. “Say it with me: 'there's no such thing as a curse.'”

“You can't just stand there and tell me this isn't a curse,” Twilight said, shaking her head just right to make her horn flop around.

“This isn't a curse,” said Apple Bloom. To be fair, though, she wasn't just standing there, she was walking past Twilight.

“If you remember back, the words I spoke were quite exact,” Zecora said.

I cleared my throat, “Beware. Beware you pony folk. Those leaves of blue are not a joke.”

“It was a warning,” Apple Bloom explained. “About that blue plant. It's called Poison Joke.”

“It's a bit like poison ivy,” I said, before Zecora could say anything. Poison oak is a tree, whereas Poison Joke is a leafy under-growth plant like poison ivy. “But instead of itchy rashes, it plays practical jokes.”

The rest of the scene played out as normal, though there were a few lines traded around, and we went into town to buy the final ingredients.

There was a moment of awkwardness when it was time to bathe the poison joke out of our systems, since I was the only male in the group, even if I was a different species and my companions were normally going around without clothes...

Stopping that train of thought right there.

So, I wound up having a bath in a separate section of the Aloe and Lotus Spa on my own, though I could hear Trixie enthusiastically rolling her “r”s while Pinkie talked her head off.

All in all, a good end.

But who knows what's next, the way things have been going?

Author's Note

Sweet Heart-of-Darkness this chapter is the longest I've written thus far. I first realized it was going to be a monster when I was in the middle of page five and I hadn't left Sugarcube Corner yet. So I cut a few corners to cut down on the repeated dialogue.

For a moment I was going to change mine from the useless arms to a numb face, but I then realized that that wouldn't just be difficult to write, it also wouldn't be as debilitating. It would also ruin my planned running gag: My hands are going to go through a lot of trials and tribulations while I'm in Equestria.

Next up, Trixie and I get in on the ticket fun when Celestia RSVPs her faithful student and only one guest in “The Ticket Master.”

Chapter 8: July 24, The Ticket Master

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 8: July 24, The Ticket Master

Things had been running smoothly since the Poison Joke incident, which Princess Celestia found somewhat amusing, and I've been relishing the use of my hands. Trixie hasn't left yet, though I had yet to ask her what was keeping her around. She did find a job in Ponyville using her wide array of spells and illusions to supplement another skill of hers: bartending.

I had been surprised when I discovered that Ponyville had a bar in the first place, but, in retrospect, bars are practically everywhere anyways. Her skill with being a flashy bartender was discovered when Pinkie threw me and Twilight our “One Month In Ponyville” party at the bar in question, and Trixie mixed her own drink. Berry Punch was impressed by her flair and hired her on after that. Working at a bar had also gotten Trixie's sleep schedule to more-or-less sync up with my own, though she was annoyed that I wouldn't sample what drinks she brought home.

This particular day started like any other: Trixie and I had lunch (a salad of some sort for her, and my best attempt at Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo for myself), and then we retired to the living room to play a board game. With the success of “Brightly Burning” and “Firebird,” which I had finally gotten around to publishing, I had plenty of money to start building a board game collection like my dad's.

We normally played whatever game was chosen for about an hour before heading into town, but today our game was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Oh, hey, Twi, Spike.” I said, finding them on the other side of the door. “What brings you by?”

“I never thought being showered with favours would be so aggravating!” she said, trudging into the kitchen.

“The tickets, huh?”

“Yes!”

“Tickets?” asked Trixie.

“Twilight's been sent a pair of tickets for the Grand Galloping Gala by the Princess and it seems everypony wants to go,” explained Spike.

“Yes! Exactly!” Her stomach growled. “Ugh. You wouldn't happen to have something for me to eat, would you?”

“I'm sure one of us could whip something up,” I nodded. Trixie, almost surprisingly, volunteered, though she cited my meat-inclusive diet as the reason. It was only almost surprising because Trixie had managed to “soften up” over the past two weeks, she only rarely spoke in third person anymore, though her flamboyant personality remained strong.

“So, do you have any reason to want to go to the Gala, Joe?” Twilight asked, sitting at the dining room table, while Spike investigated the pantry, likely to see if I had any hidden jewels in it.

My only jewels were part of my clothes.

“Well, I'd probably seek out Princess Luna if I could,” I said, looking over the game board. It was Trixie's turn, so I didn't touch it, but I still thought about what my next moves were going to be. “But I'd probably stick out like a sore thumb at the Gala itself. Hmm, bad metaphor.”

“That's a simile,” Twilight corrected.

I blinked. “So it is.”

“And you, Trixie?”

Trixie was busily tossing a new salad for Twilight, but took a moment to answer, “Well, I'd probably use it as an opportunity to get new audiences. See if the Canterlot nobility has any use for my act at their parties.”

As if it was the magic word, Pinkie practically broke down the front door and swept Twilight outside, where a large group of ponies started tossing her up and down.

“Wah!”

“SURPRISE!” cried the other ponies, as trumpets and music began playing from pretty much nowhere. Pinkie then started singing. Trixie, Spike, and I stepped onto the front porch to watch.

o/Twilight is my bestest friend/ Whoopie, whoopie!o/

“Pinkie...” Twilight was, of course, not amused.

o/She's the cutest, smartest, all around best pony, pony!o/

“Pinkie.”

o/I bet if I throw a super-duper fun party, party!o/

“Pinkie!”

o/She'll give her extra ticket to the Gala to me!o/

“PIIINKIIIE!!” I winced at the volume, and the ponies right next to her dropped her to the ground.

“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, calmly.

“At least the other ponies tried to be subtle about the ticket!” Twilight shook herself.

“Wait, what ticket?” asked one of the ponies. “What gala?”

“Oh, you didn't know?” started Pinkie, but before she could go any further, I started clapping.

“Okay! Good show, everypony!” I started down the porch steps. “However, I'm afraid that Twilight here has some lunch she would like to eat, and as such I'd like you all to get off my lawn now.”

“But Twilight has that extra Grand Galloping Gala ticket for me!” Well. There went that attempt to stop the chase.

“THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!” chorused the background ponies. Spike dashed past me and Trixie and grabbed Twilight, running back into town.

“And they're off!” I yelled, as the entire mass of ponies started chasing Twilight and Spike. Trixie and I watched them run off before she spoke up.

“Don't you think we should have mentioned the tickets the Princess sent you?”

“Nah. This would've happened anyways. Though, we might want to be to the library by nightfall to mention it, so they don't think we've been left out when Princess Celestia sends each of them a ticket.”

“It sounds like you've really planned ahead about this sort of thing.”

“Not really. I usually take life as it comes, especially since things are happening in a different order than the show. This event was the first episode after the series premiere, but four other episodes have happened between then and now.”

“It's still a bit surreal that our lives are simply entertainment for your world.” I had, after some deliberation, decided to let Trixie in on my origins, which got some incredulous comments from the blue unicorn.

“Considering the infinite size of the multiverse, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a world out there where my boring life back on Earth was considered entertainment.” I paused for a moment. “Actually, that sounds like an interesting story idea right there, sort of like a reverse self-insert where someone from the hypothetical other world pops into my life and proceeds to fanboy/girl over things.”

As we reached town, there was a frantic hunt for Twilight and Spike, who had apparently disappeared while being chased. To prevent us from being mobbed, as well as keeping them from following us to Twilight, Trixie cloaked us both in a standard invisibility spell.

However, when we got to the Library, Twilight and Spike weren't there, though Fluttershy and Angel were.

“Oh!” Fluttershy gasped. “I, um, I was expecting Twilight...”

“So was I, actually,” I commented. “I imagine your belated spring cleaning is finished?”

“Oh, um, yes.”

“Twilight was originally going to come here after Rarity played dress-up with her, but she came over to my place instead. You should know, though, that doing her these favours isn't making her decision any easier.”

“I realize that, now,” Fluttershy nodded. “Angel talked some sense into me.” The rabbit nodded, munching on a leaf left over from the salad he had likely been making earlier that afternoon.

“We've finally figured it out, too,” said Rainbow Dash from the doorway. I turned at looked to see the rest of the group wander in after her, heads hung low.

“It was most uncouth of us to attempt to force a decision on the poor dear,” Rarity agreed.

“Did you guys come to find Twilight and apologize, too?” asked Applejack.

“Well, no,” I said. Before anyone could jump down my throat for that, I quickly added. “We came to let you guys, and her, know that we've already got tickets to the Gala. Princess Celestia sent them to us through the flame she gave me back when I visited her in Canterlot with Spike at the same time that she replied to my previous status update on Ponyville.”

“Though, truthfully, she just sent two tickets to him. 'For Joe and one guest,' is what the letter said,” added Trixie. Rainbow began to smile in a curious way.

“And you just happened to invite Trixie, huh?” she said. “Joe and Trixie sitting in a tree-”

“Now, hold on-”

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G-” By this time, Pinkie joined in.

“I am hardly a xenophile-”

“First comes love, then comes marriage-”

“We're entirely different species, we can't-”

“-Then comes a baby in a baby carriage!” Everypony just started laughing as I stood there, face in hand.

“Again,” I started. “I am hardly a xenophile, and most definitely a not a zoophile. And even if I was, I'm pretty sure our species are anatomically incompatible. Not 100% certain, but 80-85%.”

“Trixie agrees,” Trixie... agreed. Hmm, redundant. “Trixie was merely invited along because pre-established events in the time-space continuum made the spare ticket unavailable to anypony else.” This confused most of the ponies in the room.

Good. Trixie remembered the explanation I asked her to give them. Though, really, I gave her the spare ticket because she was my friend as much as anypony else, and she'd stuck with me even with my boring life.

Heh. Doesn't matter which universe I'm in, I'm a boring guy. I glanced at the window.

“Curious,” I muttered. “Where is she?” At everyone's questioning looks, I elaborated: “As we came into town, the mob that had been chasing Twi and Spike for her extra ticket had been hunting everywhere for her, saying that she disappeared. It's been almost a half-hour since then, and she was supposed to teleport straight to the library.”

“Really? That is curious. Could it not be instantaneous?” asked Rarity.

I raised a finger, paused, and thought about it. “Well... When she and Spike re-appear...” I closed my eyes to try and remember better. “Spike asks for a warning next time, and Twilight says that she, essentially, teleported by accident, then they go around turning... out... the lights...” I glanced back at the window. The sun was still out, though it would be setting in an hour or two. “But... What?”

“What is it?” asked Fluttershy.

“I think she teleported herself through space and time.”

“Ooh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “So she went back in time thirty years where she ran into her parents, but in saving her dad's life her fell in love with her and so she had to get her parents to get back together so that she wouldn't not exist and at the same time she has to figure out how to get back and to do that she asks the Princess or one of her professors at the school who happens to have figured out how to do time travel, but it requires an insane amount of magical power but she thankfully has a book that tells her when an event will occur that will give her enough power to come back?”

I stood there and blinked, processing this. “No.” I finally squeaked. “That would be the plot of 'Back to the Future.' How in the name of absolute darkness did you know that?”

“Just a thought.”

“Gah!” I held up one hand to stave off any comments. “Okay. I meant, she's come forward in time.” Pinkie opened her mouth. “AND ONLY BY A FEW HOURS!” She closed her mouth. “I need to sit down.” I walked up the stairs to the balcony and sat down, grabbing one of Twilight's “Daring Do” books (Griffin's Goblet, I believe). Trixie joined me, but kept her eyes on the clock. She had to work tonight.

Hmm. Maybe I should write the Indiana Jones movies, then I can see about writing that crossover “Whip and Wings” I read some time ago... Nah.

The others milled about for a while, apologizing to each other for their selfishness, and before long it was dark out. A few minutes after sunset, there was a bright flash of light, Spike and Twilight appearing on the ground floor.

“Warn me next time you're gonna do that!” said Spike, right on schedule.

“I didn't even know it was going to happen! Now, quick! Lock the doors!” As she and Spike ran around locking doors and windows and turning out lights, the others got out of her way in an alcove and we watched the two of them run about.

As they sighed in relief at having dodged a bullet, Rarity used her magic to light the ceiling lamp that Twilight had just put out.

“Yaaaargh!” I flinched slightly at Twilight's scream. “I can't decide, I just can't decide! It's important to all of you and I just can't stand to disappoint any of you, and giving me gifts and doing me favors won't make any difference, because you're all my friends and I wanna make you all happy and I can't, I just can't!”

Applejack climbed back down the ladder she just climbed up and walked over to Twilight, putting a hoof on her head placatingly. “Twilight, sugar, I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you, and if it helps, I don't want the ticket anymore. You can give it to somepony else. I won't feel bad, I promise.”

“Me, too,” Fluttershy agreed. “I feel just awful that I made you feel so awful.”

As everyone apologized (with a little preemptive victory dance by Rainbow Dash), Trixie and I just say where we were and watched. Twilight wrote her letter and sent off the tickets, before noticing that the two of us were sitting there.

“What are you guys doing here?” she asked. “You didn't pressure me into a ticket.”

“That's because we've already got one,” Trixie replied.

“Already got one?”

“Oh, yes,” I said, using a bad fake French accent. “Very nice.” I got a couple curious looks and just shrugged. “Princess Celestia sent me and Trixie a set of tickets yesterday.”

Spike suddenly started gagging before spitting out a letter in green fire. “A letter from the princess? That was fast.” said Twilight.

I hopped down from the balcony, skipping the steps, and pat Spike on the back. Apparently, receiving a lot of material can be difficult for him. Spike took the letter in claw and started reading it, “'My faithful student Twilight, why didn't you say so in the first place?' Six tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!” He held aloft the tickets, causing the Mane Six to gasp in delight.

“Now we can all go!” Twilight cheered. The jubilation was cut short, however, with the growling of her stomach.

“Allow us to treat you to dinner,” Rarity said, and they all headed for the door.

“What a great way to apologize,” Dash said. Everyone's tickets started floating in front of them as they walked by, an enchantment on the ticket itself keeping it near the pony named on it.

Princess Celestia can be such an incorrigible prankster. Have to find some way to amuse yourself for a thousand years, I suppose.

“And to celebrate!” Pinkie cheered, actually walking out of the library. “Come on everyone, the cupcakes are on me!”

We followed the group out, though Trixie had to leave us to go to work before we got to Sugarcube Corner, and Spike joined us instead.

Not as exciting a day as I had expected when Twilight showed up, but it doesn't have to be exciting to be good.

Author's Note

Well, this chapter fought me. I realized partway in that the episode starts at lunch time, which is just before I normally get up, and that Twilight spends the whole episode in town.

If I had no reason to go into town, I probably could have skipped this episode altogether, so I had Twilight stop by my house instead of going to the library after Rarity's to involve me in the plot.

Next chapter: Dragons.

Chapter 9: July 30, Dragonshy

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 9: July 30, Dragonshy

My birthday.

I had been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this day.

Looking forward to it, because it's my birthday. Birthdays are awesome. Even if you don't get presents you still get a few “special permissions” or something on your birthday. Like sleeping in.

Dreading it, because, well...

“SURPRISE!” shouted Pinkie, startling me awake. I jumped and slammed my head into the wall.

“Darkness Forsaken Raza Frazzle!” I shouted, grabbing my skull. “Pinkie!”

“Oops. Sorry,” she said, one hoof to her mouth.

“How many times have I told you not to come into my room?”

“Six times.”

“That was a rhetorical question! Now, get out of my room so I can finish sleeping!” I glanced at a clock as I said so. Yep. Ten A.M. Too early for me. Please remember that, being nocturnal, I can't get to sleep until after approximately five A.M. and usually sleep until about one P.M. I intended to sleep until night returned, though.

“But it's your birthday, silly billy! Everypony else is already in the living room waiting for you!”

Ugh. “Fine.” She stood there expectantly. “Pinkie, I need to get dressed.”

“Okay!” She continued standing there.

“Pinkie, please leave my room so I can get dressed.”

“Okay!” she pronked out the door and her tail grabbed the handle to close it behind her. I shook my head and proceeded to grab my best clothes, which just happened to be the set Rarity made for me when I first came to Ponyville. I had variations on the theme, including a lovely crimson trenchcoat (which I usually wore with an equally crimson wide-brimmed hat), but this set was now reserved for special occasions. Like my birthday.

Thankfully, it wasn't actually everypony who was in my living room, just the Mane Six, Trixie, Angel, and Spike. I did notice Bacardi was up unusually early himself, and was hanging from the inoperable ceiling fan. I was mildly disappointed that one or both of the Princesses weren't there, but Luna was getting acclimated to the new era, and Celestia still had a principality to rule.

Also thankfully, the party was tame compared to Pinkie's usual get-togethers, so I guess I shouldn't've been dreading the day too much.

It was just before time to open the presents (having already eaten breakfast/lunch and the cake. Mmm, cheesecake *drool*) when Angel started coughing.

“What is it, Angel?” Fluttershy asked. “Is there some carrot stuck in your throat?”

My eyes widened slightly. I know that line.

Angel shook his head and coughed some more. I took this opportunity to put on my sunglasses and step onto the front porch. It was still mildly disorienting to see rolling plains, considering Ionia is hill country, and I lived in the middle of a valley, but I immediately saw what I expected to see.

Smoke. Coming from the mountains.

Just as Angel got the message across about the smoke, Spike burped up a letter. I returned in time to see an accompanying letter pop out of the jar containing Celestia's Flame. Twilight was already reading Spike's letter. I walked back inside and grinned.

“Best. Birthday. Ever,” I stated. Everyone looked at me. I pointed at the smoke and said, “Dragons are awesome. And I finally get to meet one!” I glanced down. “No offense, Spike, but...”

“None taken. I don't know much about being dragon-y anyways,” he nodded.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy locked up. “D-d-dragons?!”

“A dragon,” I corrected. “He wants to take a nap, but he kinda picked a bad spot. And he snores smoke.”

Twilight nodded. “That's exactly what the princess's letter says. We have to let the townsfolk know, and then she would like us to do our best to get the dragon to sleep elsewhere.”

As we spoke, Trixie trotted back to her room, returning with her old hat and cloak on. She hadn't worn that since she decided to stick around. At my inquisitive look she buffed her hoof on her chest and replied, matter-of-factly, “They are enchanted to help me with rough conditions. I did spend years wandering Equestria on my own, and the wilds between towns can be quite dangerous to the unwary traveler.”

I tilted my head and nodded in acquiescence and turned to the others.

“Everyone, take some time to gather some gear,” Twilight said. “Joe and I will let the ponies in town knew and meet up with you at the library by two.” Everyone except Fluttershy nodded and took off. I checked the clock. It was noon now, so that gave us two hours.

“Trixie, could you help Fluttershy get ready?” I asked, as Trixie seemed to believe that her hat and cloak were all she needed. “We'll need her when it's time.”

“Of course,” Trixie's horn glowed and wrapped around Fluttershy's tail, practically dragging her out the door.

“After the announcement, I'll probably come back and change outfits. I don't want to muss up this one.”

Twilight nodded, then glanced at Spike. He stood at attention, but seemed slightly worried. “I'll, uh, watch over Fluttershy's animals! While you're gone. Yeah.”

I smirked lightly. “You do that.” After Spike dashed out the door to catch up with Trixie and Fluttershy, Twilight and I headed into town. It was simple to find the biggest concentration of ponies to let the message spread (with Lyra sitting in her famous pose. I asked her about it once, and she said it was leave more room for other ponies. It's difficult to seat two ponies on a bench without looking intimate otherwise), but first we had to tell them. And, as it was my official vocation, I opened the announcement.

“HEAR YE, HEAR YE!” That definitely got everypony's attention. Years of SCA events with “town” criers paying off. “I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM PRINCESS CELESTIA! AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE IS A CLOUD OF THICK BLACK SMOKE COMING FROM THE MOUNTAINS NEARBY THAT IS SPREADING TO COVER MOST OF EQUESTRIA. IT IS NOT A FIRE, BUT RATHER A SLEEPING DRAGON. THE PRINCESS URGES YOU ALL TO REMAIN CALM, AS A DELEGATION WILL SOON BE TRAVELLING TO THE DRAGON'S CAVE TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.”

Twilight passed me a glass of water, which I chugged. The Pseudo-Royal Canterlot Voice can do a number on my throat. We answered a few questions and watched the news spread before going our separate ways. Upon returning to the replica of my house, I swapped out my special occasion outfit for the crimson ensemble I mentioned before. I asked for this one to be specially enchanted and paid extra to make it almost as durable as metal and for a space expansion enchantment in the pockets (which I referred to as “Time Lord Technology” even though everyone knew it was magic). I topped off the look with a pair of round yellow sunglasses, making me look like Master Alucard with a goatee. And brown hair and eyes. And slightly pudgy. And...

Okay, so I didn't look much like Master Alucard after all.

Also unlike the master vampire, I didn't have any real weapons for my “adventuring clothes,” as the only real weapon smiths worked solely for the Royal Guard, and they mostly made spears. I'm best with sword and shield. Not that I would probably want to be heavily armed for this. That might just get me eaten.

After stuffing some drinks and trail mix-y stuff into my pockets, I grabbed a gnarled branch I had designated my walking staff and made for the library. I arrived at about the same time as Fluttershy and Trixie, and we fell in line with the others as Twilight stepped out with her saddlebags full, a rolled up map sticking out of one side.

“Alright everyone, listen up. I'm mapping out the fastest route, but we've all got to keep a good pace if we expect to make it up the mountain by nightfall.”

“M-m-mountain?” Fluttershy stammered.

Twilight nodded, then pointed at the mountain in question. “The dragon is in that cave at the very top.”

“Looks pretty cold up there,” commented Applejack.

“You bet it is. The higher you go, the chillier it gets,” Rainbow agreed.

“Which is curious,” I said, “considering heat rises.”

“Good thing I brought my scarf,” Rarity said, then she reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a pink and magenta (either that or it was pink and dark pink) scarf, wrapping it around her neck with one twist of her head. Now that's skill. Responses were mixed, considering a scarf doesn't do much to cover someone up. Pinkie admired the scarf, while Rainbow derided its use.

Trixie, in the meantime, had trotted over to Twilight and was helping her plot a course, followed shortly after by Fluttershy, who was trying to get out of the adventure.

Considering her actions at the top would save our lives, I wasn't about to let her stay behind, so I preempted her “conversation” with Twilight and put my hand on her back.

“Fluttershy, you have to come,” I said, gently.

“But-” she started.

“Please. You're the lynchpin. Without you, this adventure ends in disaster.” Her eyes widened.

“Really? But, I don't-”

“Really. There's a quote, and it's been said by many, but I mainly attribute it to a fellow named Jon Pertwee: 'Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.' And I believe you have the courage.”

“Are... Are you sure?”

“Well, I could try another quote: 'Don't believe in yourself. Believe in the me that believes in you.' Kamina-sama, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.”

“I guess... But-”

“Okay, girls and Joe,” Twilight interrupted. “Trixie and I figured out a way to go, so let's move out!” I saluted and we set off. As the girls were pretty much going at full gallop, I had to hitch a ride from Applejack again, but she didn't mind, even with all the weight of the provisions she was packing. Fluttershy started off a bit slower, but quickly caught up when I gave her a wink and a thumbs up.

Briefly, I speculated on starting an Equestria branch of the Dai-Gurren Dan, but it was just a random thought. Twilight wouldn't be able to cope with kicking logic out, and she'd probably have a conniption if we actually went beyond the impossible. Scootaloo might be interested, though...

After a half-hour of intense galloping, we reached the base of the mountain. I wouldn't have expected it to be such a short period of time, but I guess that there's a reason horsepower is a unit of measurement. I got off Applejack and stretched my legs and back. I'd only ridden twice now, and I still wasn't used to the sensation. As I stretched, a deep grumbling sound shook the ground.

“Whoa,” said Dash. “What was that?”

“That's what it sounds like when a fully-grown dragon snores,” Twilight replied.

“It-- it's so... high,” Fluttershy squeaked, looking up the mountain.

“Well, it is a mountain.” Dash flew into view as she said that. “I'm going to fly up there and check it out!” But, before she could take off, Applejack grabbed her tail.

“Hold on, now. I think we should all go up together. Safety in numbers and all.”

Everypony started climbing the mountain save Fluttershy and I. Fluttershy because she was scared of the dragon's snore. And I hadn't because it was exceptionally steep. I might be able to crawl up it on hands and feet, but if I slipped, it would be a long way down with few hand holds.

“Oi!” I called. “Fluttershy and I won't be able to take this path up.”

Everyone paused.

“Why is that?” asked Trixie.

“It's too steep,” I answered. “If the dragon snores while we're climbing, I'll likely fall, and Fluttershy is acrophobic. Which is probably why she's not much of a flier.”

As if to prove my point, the dragon snored again, and Fluttershy, who had been fluttering her wings slightly, locked up. Applejack reached up and pulled the map out of Twilight's saddlebags.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I'll need this if I'm going to take them around the mountain another way,” Applejack answered.

“Around the mountain?” groaned Dash. “That's going to take them forever!”

The dragon snored again, and Fluttershy fainted with a bleat.

“You actually do that? I thought it was just a sound effect,” I muttered.

Trixie sighed, “Trixie shall go with them. Between Applejack and I, the four of us should be able to meet up with you at this cliff,” she pointed at a spot on the map, “within half an hour.”

The journey around the mountain was disappointingly boring. Trixie used her magic to place Fluttershy on Applejack's back (I chuckled when she said I was the heavier), and then, in a move that surprised me, grabbed me with her magic and placed me on her back. The ride was definitely more comfortable with cloth between me and the pony, but it was still a little rough.

After about ten minutes of travelling, Fluttershy woke up and began travelling alongside the rest of us. I attempted to sing something (another one of dad's songs, “The Cinnabar Fight Song.” It has nothing to do with Pokemon, by the way) to break up the monotony of travelling, but the galloping interrupted me repeatedly, so I gave it up.

We made it to the cliff where the others waited with five minutes to spare before Trixie's time limit would have expired. There were a few tic-tac-toe boards etched into the dirt, and Pinkie's nose was pretty much covered by it as she made her last move. Apparently, Rarity wasn't too a sore loser, as she then asked Pinkie for “best of 31” in a rather upbeat voice.

“We're here,” I announced. Rainbow, who was somehow flying upside-down, muttered something to Twilight and we were on our way up a more reasonable path. And then we got to the jumping part. Everyone hopped across, save Fluttershy and I, again, then turned back to look at us.

“Your turn, Fluttershy,” said Twilight.

“But it's so... wide...” Fluttershy half-whispered. I rolled my eyes.

“C'mon, 'Shy. I'm taller than the gap is wide,” I said. “You can do this.”

“I-” Basil snored, making Fluttershy flinch. “I don't know...”

“Remember what I said before. If you can't believe in yourself, believe in the me who believes in you.” And with that, I took a really long step (almost doing the splits, but thankfully not actually) and was on the other side. I did hop on one foot a little to regain my balance, but otherwise it went flawlessly.

I glanced back to see Fluttershy whispering something to herself, before she opened her eyes with determination and charged the gap. As she prepared to jump, Twilight opened her mouth, and I promptly covered it. When Fluttershy landed on our side, I released my hold.

“What did you do that for?” she asked.

“The worst thing you can do in a situation this high up is tell someone not to look down. It's like saying 'don't think of a white alligator.' What's it make you think of?”

“...Oh.” And with that bit of Genre Savvy wisdom dispensed, we moved on into the avalanche zone.

“If the tiniest whisper can cause an avalanche,” I asked. “Then how is the snoring not doing the job?” As if to answer my question, the ground shook with another snore. And absolutely nothing happened. “Oh, come on!”

After Twilight asked us, again, to be quiet in the avalanche zone, I asked Dash to walk with us through it. I made up the excuse that wingbeats disturb more air than hoofsteps, which she took as a challenge. Then I told her the real reason was the falling-leaf-causes-Fluttershy-to-scream thing, and mentioned that she was the one who causes the leaf to fall. So she stopped flying for the avalanche zone alone.

Being less physically inclined than the others, I was very much relieved that I wouldn't have to be dodging rocks. And so we made it to Basil's Lair without further incident. Checking my watch (a well-crafted pocket watch by Time Turner), I noted that it had only been two and a half hours since we had set out.

It seemed longer.

“Rainbow Dash, you clear up the smoke if you can,” commanded Twilight. “Rarity, Trixie, Pinkie Pie, be prepared to create a diversion if things get little hairy in there. Applejack, you be ready in case he decides to attack. But it shouldn't come to that, because Fluttershy will do what she needs to...”

At that point, Twilight's voice began fading out. With how deep I was in the cave, it was getting harder hear her. I knew it was reckless of me to go on ahead like that, but I love dragons and couldn't wait to see a full-sized one. I knew Rarity's flattery worked, even if I couldn't recall the words (something about showing off his scales to the rest of the world), so I figured that if I woke him by accident before someone came to stop me from just looking, I could try to talk my way out of the encounter.

Just before I reached the end of the entrance, I was thrown to the ground by something I couldn't see.

“What do you think you're doing?!” hissed Trixie's voice in my ear.

“Being stealthy about getting my first look at a dragon,” I hissed back. “What does it look like?”

“Looks like you're being a reckless fool. Weren't you the one who yelled at Snips and Snails about messing with things that could eat you?!”

“I wasn't going to wake him up on my own, I'm not that obsessed. Just let me take a look, and then I'll be back out for the official meet-and-greet.”

The invisible Trixie climbed off me and I stood back up, dusting myself off. I glanced in the general direction I figured Trixie was in, then raised my finger to my mouth. Normally, this wouldn't mean anything to a pony, but since Trixie had been living with me for a month she'd learned that it meant “be quiet.”

I crept into the cave just in time to be blinded by a cloud of noxious black smoke, that had me choking and gasping, though I did my best to not cough loudly. When the smoke cleared, I shuddered.

Magnificent. If this is what all dragons, even Smaug of the Lonely Mountain, looked like this... No wonder they were so full of pride and vanity. And I had never seen so much shiny treasure.

Satisfied, I turned slowly and padded out of the cave again. When I got back outside, I had Rainbow Dash grab me by the collar and shake me back and forth.

“What were you thinking?!” she shouted.

“I. Told. You. I. Think. Drag. Ons. Are. Awe. Some,” I replied between shakes. “I. Want. Ed. A. Look.” I grabbed her forelegs and pulled them away from my shirt. How did she even grab me with hooves, anyway? “I haven't woken him. I can be quite stealthy, you know.”

“Like a cat,” agreed Pinkie. I smiled and meowed in response.

Twilight groaned. “So what does he look like?”

“Magnificent. He's a red dragon, just a couple shades different than my coat, and just about every piece of him is bigger than I am.” Fluttershy mewled in fear and shrunk in on herself.

“Well, that's not helping matters,” sighed Rarity. She trotted up next to me and whispered, “You've been helping her come this far, Joe. Can you get her into the cave?”

I shook my head and whispered back. “Kamina-sama's gift for inspirational speeches doesn't belong to me, and I'm not charismatic enough to keep using the belief line over and over. I'll try something though...”

While Rarity and I were talking, Applejack attempted to appeal to the idea that Fluttershy wasn't the only one scared of the dragon, but it didn't work. I then stepped up to her and kneeled in front of her.

“There's a further quote from Kamina-sama, but I'm going to change it up a bit. For one, I'm not going to punch you,” That got her attention. “Don't believe in the me that believes in you. Believe in the Fluttershy that believes in herself.” Okay, apparently, I am going to use the belief line again. “Kick reason to the curb and go beyond the impossible. That's the Team Dai-Gurren way.”

“Team Dai-Gurren?” she asked.

I rubbed my mustache, “It kinda slipped out... I'll explain later.”

I stepped beside Twilight, as Fluttershy looked pensive. Twilight nodded to me and we stepped forward into the cave.

“So, uh, do you have any ideas, Joe?” she asked me, her voice shaky.

“Dragons are vain and arrogant in most fiction, especially when they're sapient, so flattery is a good move. I'm not sure on what fiction to reference his biology, but considering the prevalence of magic, he'll probably be able to breathe fire immediately after waking. As such, do not stand directly in front of his mouth. He has bad breath, too, so there's another reason not to.” I would have gone on, but we had reached the dragon.

After a couple moments of silence, Twilight attempted to speak, “Mr. Dragon?” I say attempted, because it came out as a whisper. Basil rolled over and scratched his stomach. No missing scale on his right breast. Let's hope the red is the only thing he shares with Smaug. I held up my hand, then kneeled, making sure I was just off to the side. Twilight sidled away from me.

“My Lord Dragon, I wish to speak with you.” The eye visible to me snapped open. He yawned and turned in my direction. “My Lord, I do not wish to interrupt your sleep, but there is an issue with your place of choice.” His eyes narrowed. “The country in which this mountain cave resides is full of inhabitants who cannot last long without sunlight, and as you sleep, My Lord, you breath out thick black smoke that obscures the sky.”

He stood up and stretched.

“My Lord, if those who live here die out, you will have no one to revel in your glory.” He froze mid-stretch. “You are a magnificent and shining example of a dragon, would you really wish to keep yourself sealed away?” I shivered as I felt his gaze upon me.

“And so you come here to plead on my behalf?” he demanded. The voice was... even deeper than Blu Mankuma's part in the show. I could feel the words as much as hear them. “Hah! You do not fool me, ape. I will remain, and sleep as long as I wish. And if the creatures of this realm die out, then they die.” He slammed back down onto his hoard, gold coins flying all over. “Begone.”

I was stunned. When Rarity tried flattery it worked. How did I fail? And with a puff of black smoke from his nostrils, I was blown backwards. I sat there, stunned, as Twilight grabbed me in her magic and galloped out of the cave. Somehow, I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I had failed so badly. When we got back outside, I leaned against the rock furthest from the cave, which happened to be the one Fluttershy was hiding behind.

“So much for persuading him,” said Twilight. Rarity went to talk.

“Rarity,” I said. She closed her mouth and looked at me. “I tried flattery. It... Didn't work. When you were going to try without my interference, it almost would have. Except that you got greedy and tried to get part of his hoard. He noticed and chased you out.”

“I... See...” She muttered.

“What about me?” asked Pinkie, fear evident on her face.

“You went in, dressed to share a laugh, there was a roar, and you came back out with your bizarre outfit in shambles.”

“Nothing works?” asked Twilight.

“There is something, but I don't know if it would have the same effect if I just told you. That's the problem with messing with time.” Trixie looked pensive. I had told her during the week she was being my hands about the true reason I had kept her from running and about the source of my foreknowledge.

“Then let's stop wasting time!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I'm going in!” And with that, she flew into the cave, rainbow trail behind her.

Ten seconds later, there was a roar and she came flying back out, knocking everyone else over. With another roar, everypony leapt to their hooves and began running around in a panic, except for Trixie, who ran over by me. Several thuds sounded from the cave as Basil came out. He glared at the others, who had stopped running around and gathered into a single group.

With another roar accompanied by copious amounts of smoke, they were bowled into me and Trixie with enough force that if we weren't wearing enchanted clothes we would have been broken bones from their collective body weight. As it was, I hurt all over and the rock crumbled around us.

As everyone groaned in pain, Fluttershy's righteous anger boiled. “How dare you... HOW DARE YOU!” she cried, taking off. “Listen here, mister!” she landed on his nose and marched forward. “Just because you're big doesn't mean you get to be a bully! You may have huge teeth, and sharp scales, and snore smoke, and breathe fire. But you do not-- I repeat-- You do not! Hurt! My! Friends!” She Stared straight into his eye, wings beating furiously “You got that?”

That was so much more glorious in person. And the dragon, whose eye alone was about as big as Fluttershy, whimpered like a scolded puppy.

“Well”

“But that rainbow one kicked me,” he said. Now he sounds like a scolded child with an earthquake-inducing voice.

“And I am very sorry about that. But you're bigger than she is and you should know better. You should also know better than to take a nap where your snoring can become a health hazard to other creatures.”

“But I-”

“Don't you 'but I' me, mister. Now what do you have to say for yourself?” There was a pause. “I said, what do you have to say for yourself?” And with that, the big bad dragon just started bawling, tears as big as me splashing off my hat. “There, there. No need to cry. You're not a bad dragon, you just made a bad decision. Now go pack your things. You just need to find a new place to sleep. That's all.” After a few moments of sniffling (Fluttershy is so awesome), Basil went back into his cave and came back out a minute later with a large sack in his arms that jingled with every wingbeat as he flew away.

I sighed with relief as everyone galloped over to Fluttershy (well, except for me, but that's obvious), and Twilight cheered, “You did it! I knew you could do it.”

“And so did I,” I said.

“What?” gasped Fluttershy.

“You and Rainbow Dash did exactly what you were supposed to. I couldn't say anything, no matter how much I wanted to, because the Stare can't be commanded. Yet. I'm sorry I essentially tricked you into it, but if you failed, we'd be dead.”

“Wait, I was supposed to attack the dragon?” cried Rainbow Dash. “Then why didn't you have me do that in the first place?”

“Because I love dragons. I wanted to see if he could be persuaded to leave without endangering anyone, least of all you.”

After a group hug, we made our way down the mountain, and, since we didn't have to hurry, we didn't get back to my house until about eight and the sun was setting. Spike was glad to see us, and told me that Bacardi was a great help in keeping control of Angel. Fortunately, nothing was badly damaged, though a few of my presents had apparently been partially opened by accident.

Twilight wrote her friendship report and I wrote up my own weekly report (which included a clean version of the alternate letter for the episode as a joke), and Spike sent both.

We then partied until everyone else begged off to go to sleep except for Trixie, who helped me put my presents away. Twilight and Spike's books (both pony-written fiction) went into the library alongside the others, while Pinkie's board game went into the game room. It was bizarre to see it so bare. Applejack's apple-themed blanket (she apparently worked on it with Granny Smith) went on the back of the couch, folded, with Rarity's jewelled throw pillows sat to either side.

Trixie's bottle of Sparkling Grape Juice went in the ice box. She got a big hug for that one. I love sparkly. Rainbow Dash crafted a liquid rainbow fountain centerpiece for the dining room table. Curiously, Fluttershy got me two books, one for identifying trees, and the other for birds. They went in the library as well.

I played with Bacardi for a while after that as Trixie watched on, and then we turned in for the morning.

It was a good day. It seemed every day in Ponyville was going to be good, even the ones where I feared for my life.

Author's Note

So this came out much later than I ever wanted it to, though I was tempted to hold it until the actual 30th, just because. The big things that kept me from having it out earlier were: I quit my job at McDonald's (at last), my computer wouldn't start (but we've got a PC repair place in town, so I only went a week and a half without it), and I had a minor case of writer's block after the point where the letters arrived.

Next episode: Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Chapter 10: August 2-4, Over a Barrel

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 10: August 2-4, Over a Barrel

“Are you sure we all had to come?” asked Trixie. I glanced up from my book and across the train car, adjusting my new glasses slightly. My contacts had finally failed me and I was forced to wear glasses again. Thankfully, though, they were enchanted to darken in bright light, like what that one brand back home was supposed to do.

“Not really, but Applejack insisted, and she's probably one of the most stubborn people I know,” I smirked. “I'd tell you to ask Twilight about the Applebucking Season Incident, but it hasn't happened yet.”

“Applebucking Season Incident?” asked Twilight from above me.

“Spoilers. Like I said, it hasn't happened yet, so I can't tell you anything about it.” Twilight harrumphed and I heard her turn a page in her own book.

The rear door of the train car opened and Rarity came trotting in, grumbling to herself about Bloomberg and the tree's special privileges.

“What I don't get,” I interrupted, “is why Bloomberg is laying down. Wouldn't that be unhealthy for a tree?”

“Not really,” answered Applejack, following Rarity in. “It can't stay that way for long, but since this trip is only gonna take one day, it ain't gonna be a problem.”

“Well, you're the tree farmer.” I turned back to my book, which happened to be on Earth Pony magic. Apparently, it not only helped increase their strength and endurance, but also tended to bring out the subtle flavours and properties in food and herbs they grow or cook, which is why most celebrity cooks in Equestria tend to be Earth Ponies.

Amusingly, one of the named ponies was “Good Eats,” which was the name of a show I enjoyed back home. I figured he was either the ponified from of Alton Brown, the show's host, or it was just a coincidence. If I ever got the chance, I'd look him up.

We spent the majority of the trip either reading or in idle conversation. Spike had provided us with some travel food, including trail mix and popcorn and similar snacks. Eventually, the sun set, and I smiled softly as I anticipated the infamous Fluttertree meme/scene.

Rarity left for a moment to get her mud mask and cucumbers ready for her unintentional Ysma impression. At least it would be simple for me to not pull a Kronk reaction when it happens. After she came back and lay down, the conversations turned into whispers. Temporarily, anyways.

“Do you guys mind?” asked Spike, glaring out from under his covers. “I was up early fire-roasting those snack you're all eating and I'm pooped!”

“Speaking of,” Dash said, “some of these popcorn kernels didn't get popped.”

“If they're been heated already and haven't popped, then they aren't going to with a second application of heat,” I pointed out. “I once melted holes into a plastic bowl trying to pop the unpopped.” That was also back during this one week I ate almost nothing but popcorn because that's what I craved at the time.

“Oh.”

“If that's all,” Spike growled. “Good night!” And he dove back under his covers.

“Uh, maybe it's time we all got a little shut-eye,” said Twilight. “We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.” And with that, she reached for the lantern by her bed and turned out the light.

“And now I can't see my book,” I grumbled. There was a brief flash of light from the bed above me and a small orb of soft pink light appeared over my shoulder. “Thanks, Trix.”

“Not a problem. You're the only one who can see it, by the way. Good night.”

“'Night.” Hmm, since I would be asleep in the morning, I wonder how the buffalo attack would progress with Trixie here?

A few moments after lights out, Rainbow Dash started talking.

“Psst. Pinkie Pie. You asleep yet?”

“No, are you asleep yet?” Ah, the one question you can never truthfully answer “yes” to.

“If I was sleeping, how could I have asked you if you were asleep?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dash poke her head out from her bunk, a lit candle in hoof. Pinkie soon joined her.

“Oh yeah!” Pinkie giggled.

“When we get to Appleloosa do you think we'll have to carry that heavy tree all the way from the train to the orchard?” Between Twilight's telekinesis and Applejack's raw strength, I'd say no.

“What tree?” Here it is! “You mean Bloomberg?”

“No. Fluttershy.”

“Fluttershy's not a tree, silly.”

“What's going on?” asked Twilight, poking her head into the candle light.

“Rainbow Dash thinks Fluttershy's a tree!”

“I do not think she's a tree!” Dash hissed. “I was just-”

“Did you say she was a tree?” My smirk grew, invisible to them.

“No. Well... Yes... But not exactly-”

“You know she's not a tree, right?” “She's not a tree, Dashie!”

Fluttershy popped in, and I mouthed the words with her, “I'd like to be a tree.”

“And so a meme was born,” I said, startling them.

“Joe?!”

“OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE!” shouted Spike, before dragging his blanket and pillow out the back door.

“I wonder if that was a 'Pete's Dragon' reference,” I muttered, as Twilight looked after her assistant. Thinking about it, I realized it wasn't likely, as the phrase had been around far longer than “Pete's Dragon,” and was likely derived from Simon Peter's name.

“Well that was kind of huffy,” Twilight grumbled.

“Huffy the magic dragon!” joked Fluttershy. I hummed a couple bars of “Puff the Magic Dragon” (he lived by the sea) as the others giggled.

Rarity moved in the light of the illusive sphere by my head as she grumbled, “Would you all be QUIET!” Her head popped into the light of the candle as she shouted “NOOOOOOW!” I saw the image of Yzma and Kronk and then had an odd thought: what good is a mud mask for a pony's skin if its covered by fur?

As I mused on this, the others flinched and blew out the candle, ducking back into their beds. I smiled and went back to my book. Maybe I could try some of these recipes when I got back to Ponyville...

I just about finished with the book when I fell asleep, only to be rudely awakened when Trixie fell on me only two hours later. I forgave her, of course, since it wasn't her fault I landed in the aisle before she did. It still hurt, though.

“Trix... My back...” I groaned. She flicked her tail out of my face as she got up, and I rolled over to get to my feet, my spine crackling the whole way. The train car rocked again as I plucked the sleepies out of my eyelashes.

Everypony gathered to the window and glanced out, Twilight announcing the buffalo herd outside.

“I just love their accessories,” Rarity cooed.

“They're getting awfully close to the train...” Twilight murmured.

“Everyone brace yourselves!” I announced, then followed my own advice and stretched out on the floor, my feet and back holding me in place. Trixie snapped to attention and tied the nearest bed sheet around herself and the next lantern over.

Just after, the buffalo slammed into the train car, tilting it dangerously. For guys who didn't want anything but Bloomberg, they sure were risking derailment and injury. As the Mane Six bounced off the floor and into the bed between Trixie and I, I heard another couple slams from the train cars in front of and behind us, presumably as other parts of the stampede slammed into the other train cars. They must be alternating the attack to keep any occupants off-balance. After a few slams, the Mane Six lay scattered about the floor, save for Pinkie, who was getting to her hooves on a bed. She glanced out the window and hopped over.

“Oh, looky! Now they're doing tricks!” She announced, as I released the pressure keeping me stuck in place, before running through the car towards the back, dropping a note on the floor as I went. As I slammed the door open on my way to the back of the train, I heard Pinkie cheer Little Strongheart on.

I double-timed it as I heard the slamming of hooves on the roof of the car, though they quickly out-paced me.

Why did the bed car have to be half-way up the train from the caboose?

I slammed open the door to the second-to-last car just in time to see hear a sharp whistle from Little Strongheart, calling on the stampede to rally around her and carry off the caboose. The ponies, other than Rainbow Dash, caught up to me, Trixie holding my note in her magic, just in time to hear Spike's cry for help.

“They've got Bloomberg!” cried Appljack.

“And Spike!” added Twilight.

“Wingshreds,” I cursed. “There goes my chance to attempt diplomacy with Chief Thunderhooves. I probably should've moved into the caboose last night.”

“Chief Thunderhooves?”

“Leader of the Buffalo Indians out here. They're having some issues with the Appleloosans, and I was hoping to mediate from that side of things.”

“So that's why your note had instructions on how a potential compromise for someone named 'Sheriff Silverstar?'” said Trixie, floating said note in front of me.

“Yep. Now they've got an advocate in the form of Rainbow Dash, but she's going to be pretty stubborn in their favour, and might not hear us when we try negotiations later.” I reached held up my hand for the note, only to see confusion in Trixie's eyes because it was missing.

“Well. That's interesting. And...” she said, looking around. “Pinkie Pie is missing.”

“Gotta say, she's a real go-getter.” I shivered. “Now, can we move away from the rushing air and back into the car?”

Applejack glared back down the track before sighing. “Joe's right. And we'll be in Appleloosa soon, so we'd best get ready.”

“I hope I can keep Braeburn from bullrushing us around town,” I sighed.

I couldn't.

I actually spent most of the whirlwind tour laying across the backs of everypony else. Thanks to being bipedal and their backs being at waist-high for me, it wasn't hard for me to be knocked over when they got shoved into me. Fortunately, they didn't care so much about that as they did about trying to get a word in edgewise to Braeburn. Screaming darkness he was annoyingly perky.

Applejack had finally gotten his attention at the Apple Orchard, “You have a very nice town and all, but we have a HUGE problem! Some of our friends are missing!”

“Spike was with the tree we were bringing, and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went after him after the buffalo hijacked the train,” I explained.

“Buffalo?” he asked, then sighed, placing his hat on his chest. “Them buffalo, they want us settler ponies to take every single tree you see here off this land. They sure as hay don't want any new ones added in.”

“But why?” asked Fluttershy.

“Tradition,” I answered.

“Tradition?” echoed Braeburn. “We put a lot of hard work into this land, so we can feed our town, our families, our foals! And now they're sayin' all these trees have to go 'cause of some tradition?”

“Imagine, if you will, a different set of circumstances: you've been living out here for generations, taking good care of your trees as befits the traditions of your town, when this group of buffalo come out of nowhere and start cutting down your trees because it's the only place around they can stampede through.”

“I think I get your meaning, but these trees are our only source of food out here. And with this being the only land for miles capable of supportin' them, well...”

“Do you really need all the trees?”

“Joe!” cried Applejack. “You ain't suggestin' what I think yer suggestin' are ya? Askin' an Apple to cut down their trees...”

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “It's either that or a stampede through town. And while I'm sure the Appleloosans can defend themselves (though why apple pie is their weapon of choice no one knows), I'd rather we don't have to go through that.” Reminder: keep Pinkie from singing her sharing is caring song. “Which means I'd like to talk to whomever could be considered the leader of Appleloosa. I believe it's Sheriff Silverstar, but I don't know for sure.”

“You'd be right,” Braeburn replied. “Come on, let's get you to him.” He paused just as he started walking away. “By the way... What are you?” Trixie snickered as I rolled my eyes.

The talks with Sheriff Silverstar went alright, though he did have a degree of skepticism as to the validity of my claims. Regardless, I asked him to be on the lookout tomorrow for some members of the tribe to arrive, and that I was prepared to mediate negotiations between them.

I realized that I was massively departing from canon here, but I had decided in recent times that, to feel less like an outsider, I was going to treat events like I did with the aftermath of Trixie's “episode”: if I can make things better without ruining the core lesson, then I would do so.

Which meant that I had that night to come up with a way to teach Twilight a lesson in compromising for your friends while simultaneously mediating the dispute between the settlers and the buffalo. Sweet Heart of Darkness...

It was midnight when I had the epiphany, and I rushed out of my room at the Appleloosa Inn to Trixie's room just down the hall. I rapped out shave-and-a-haircut on the door and she opened it, looking somewhat blearily at me.

“I've got an idea that I need your help with,” I started in a whisper, ghosting into her room. “This whole Friendship Lesson business is primarily to help Twilight learn leadership skills, and this particular lesson is about understanding and compromise.”

“And you can't just tell her this?” she asked.

“Not if I actually want her to learn anything. My idea is that instead of me mediating between the town and the tribe, Twilight does it.”

“But how would we get her to do it?”

“Well, I don't know when exactly the buffalo delegation might arrive, so I would have to stay up all morning to meet them if that's the case. Plus I only got, like, two hours of sleep yesterday thanks to the buffalo attack. So...”

“So you start the meeting, obviously fatigued, then fall asleep in your chair.” She nodded, catching on. “Then I just have to insist that she carry on in your stead, as you're obviously unfit for anything requiring attention.”

“Ouch.” I smirked. “I don't think she'll be able to get by without some assistance, so I'll have some extremely simplified notes left for her.”

“Extremely simplified?”

“'The Buffalo Tribe is really strong,' 'apple pie is delicious,' 'Pinkie isn't allowed to sing,' and 'there's room enough for everyone.'”

“'Pinkie isn't allowed to sing?'” she quoted back at me.

“She tries to mediate the dispute herself with a song-and-dance number about sharing and caring that doesn't go over well. And by that, I mean it causes the buffalo to attack the town.”

“Ouch. And 'apple pie is delicious?'”

“For some reason, the settlers think that apple pie is an acceptable weapon to use on the buffalo, and when the stampede through town occurs, or will if I haven't changed the timeline well enough, Chief Thunderhooves gets a taste of the pie used to 'fell' him, giving him the idea for the compromise.”

“I see. So what do you intend to do to wait out the delegation if your notes are going to be so short?”

“Well, I figure I'll spend the rest of the night watching the stars. Celestia was right about how amazing they look with Luna back at the helm. Then, in the morning, I'll be kept busy waiting for the buffalo delegation to arrive.”

She thought things over. “You could have asked anypony, well, other than Twilight, to get Twilight to take care of things, so why me?”

“I figured you'd still be up, for one. For another, you're very charismatic and a good actor. AJ can't lie, Rarity's too much of a drama queen, Shy's, well, shy, and Pink 'n' Dash aren't here. Though, Pinkie's a blabbermouth and Dash is almost as bad as AJ.”

“It's a plan.” We shook on it, and I let her get to bed while I was true to my word and simply looked out at the stars.

The next morning, I stumbled out of my room, clutching a set of flash card-sized “notes” with one eye half-closed and the other a quarter-closed, glasses slightly askew across my nose. I purposely slurred my speech, sounding much more tired than I was. I've had days where I've been up twenty-four hours before, so I just had to act like I had been awake even longer. The tough part would be consciously falling asleep in the middle of negotiations.

Or so I thought.

We stood at the entrance to town, near eleven thirty, as Pinkie, Dash, and Spike walked up to Appleloosa, trailed by Little Strongheart, Chief Thunderhooves, and four buffalo braves that looked ready for battle if need be.

“Greetings, Chief Thunderhooves,” I said in a normal voice. Normally, I would have said it in as clear a voice as possible, but I was still going for sleepy.

“I heard tales of you from Rainbow Dash, Spike, and Pinkie Pie,” he rumbled, “you must be Joe McCord, yes?”

“I am indeed.” I swayed for a moment. “Sheriff?”

“I am Sheriff Silverstar, leader of this community,” said the cowpony. I don't precisely recall my thoughts at the time, but my sleeplessness was starting to catch up to me and I know they were getting silly.

“I and my party are here to mediate a bargain between your tribe and the town of Appleloosa.” Applejack quickly put a hoof over Braeburns mouth as he was about to be overly-enthusiastic again. “Please, follow us to the town hall, and we will begin.”

In the town hall, I smiled softly and nodded to myself as I saw the fresh baked apple pies lined up on a table off to the side of the conference room.

“The first part of any negotiations begins with a list of grievances by both parties,” I began, nodding on my bench seat. “We will begin with Chief Thunderhooves, as his people have been here longer.”

The chief snorted. “We have a long and winding stampeding trail that we have run upon for many generations. My father stampeded upon these grounds, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, and-” and that's about when I fell asleep.

Apparently, it went on for a few more refrains of “and his father before him” before Little Strongheart managed to interrupt her dad and get things back on track. As soon as he wrapped up his speech with a point about being stuck until the trees are removed, they noticed I had fallen asleep.

Trixie thinks it was because my head hit the table.

It only took a couple of nudges before it was declared that I was out cold, with Trixie explaining that I had been up for over a day preparing, but that there was another who could continue negotiations. Twilight was shocked when Trixie passed her my “notes.” But, as I hoped, she rose to the occasion, with a little stumble in her words here and there. Pinkie almost got her song and dance going, but Twilight had just read the “don't let Pinkie sing” note and simply told her that this was a serious event and songs wouldn't help.

Yes, she was sure.

By the time I woke up, it was five in the afternoon, and I caught the tail-end of Twilight's compromise. “So in conclusion, as tribute for being allowed to keep their trees, the citizens of Appleloosa will provide an apple pie to each tribesbuffalo who wants one, as well as clearing a path through the orchard itself. Also, for as long as this treaty remains valid, any harm that befalls Appleloosa is to be considered harm against the Buffalo Tribe. Does everyone agree?”

There was a chorus of muffled “aye!”s, which sounded muffled from mouthfuls of pie, and then there was a scratching of a quill and a brief stamp that knocked the table into my head, making me sit up.

“And now-”

“Meeting's over, Joe,” Rainbow deadpanned. I adjusted my glasses and blinked, before looking at the paper with Chief Thunderhooves' hoofprint upon it.

“...So it is. Terribly sorry about that. I had a long morning.”

“It is quite alright, child,” rumbled Chief Thunderhooves (I don't think he can talk any other way), wiping pie off his muzzle. “Young Twilight Sparkle here performed admirably, and found a compromise we can all agree on.”

“Ah, excellent. Meeting adjourned?” I grabbed a slice of pie. It had cooled considerably, but that didn't matter. Apple Clan food is always delicious.

“Here, here!” Everyone cheered, before digging into the pies again.

Later that day, as the Appleloosans were passing out pies to the buffaloes now stampeding through the new orchard path, I overheard Twilight's new Friendship Lesson.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

Joe has taught me a valuable lesson today in the young town of Appleloosa. There was a conflict brewing between the indigenous tribe of buffalo and the settler ponies, but with careful planning, understanding, and compromise, the two have found the potential for friendship that could last several generations.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle”

“You've got to share,” I added, before Spike could send it off. “You've got to care.”

“Hey! That's what my song was going to say!” shouted Pinkie.

“True. But your showgirl routine wouldn't have been well received.”

Pinkie harrumphed and didn't talk to me for the train ride back, but that's okay. She forgave me as soon as I apologized.

Even though it's true.

Author's Note

Not much to say about this one, except that I surprised myself when I decided to chuck the script out the window. Curiously enough, I had the idea for the Twilight-as-mediator plan while I was preparing for my job hunt. I have such thoughts at the strangest times.

Next episode: “Can bees squawk?! I don't think so!”

Chapter 11: August 7, 12, Applebuck Season

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 11: August 7, 12, Applebuck Season

It had started like any other mind-numbingly boring day. I was starting to run out of material to read, and writing books I'd read wasn't going to cut it for much longer. Trixie and board games helped a bit, but...

It's surprising how much I depended on certain things to while away my time that didn't exist in Equestria, like my computer and TV. The Ponyville Theatre wasn't much help, the shows being a bit too saccharine for my tastes.

Anyways, I was just saying it was a normal day. I was in town visiting Rarity, while Trixie was over to Twilight's for a bit, when the ground started rumbling. I blinked in confusion for a second as I thought back to whether then were any earthquakes, when I heard Dash's shout:

“STAMPEDE!”

After banishing the image of Robin Williams' Genie shouting the same thing, I knew exactly what was going on. It's the start of Applebucking Season. Curious how it happened so soon after I mentioned it. Maybe I could head this off... No, not if I was going to stick to my word about letting Twilight learn her friendship lessons unimpeded. Yeah, I had interfered with the buffalo thing, but she still learned. This lesson hinged on Applejack overworking herself.

I stood my ground as everypony else went nuts around me, cursing my promise.

“Joe!” shouted Trixie, knocking me out of my musing. “What are you doing?!” In the background I could hear Pinkie having fun with the shaking ground.

“Thinking,” I replied calmly. “Applejack will take care of this before it gets out of hand.”

“Oh. So...”

“This is an episode, yes. In fact, we're coming up on the Applebuck Season incident I mentioned. I almost wish I could interfere here, but not with my promise hanging over me. Well, there is one thing. I should warn Derpy about the Baked Bads.”

“Baked Bads?”

“Sleep deprivation does not a good cook make.” As we stood there chatting, the stampede was taken care of, and I glanced off to the side to see Applejack having a chat with the cows, who moved off at a sedate pace. The Ponyville Herd, including me and Trixie, all turned to look as Applejack reared back and galloped off into the sunset.

She wouldn't be seen in town for another five days.

The town hall was all decorated for an award ceremony, and I put the finishing polish on the trophy for Applejack. I was pleasantly surprised (and mildly annoyed that it took me so long) to discover an engraving shop in town, as I had experience using an engraving machine working for my Gramma and Grampa's trophy-and-nameplate business, The Showroom.

And there I go on a mostly unrelated tangent again.

“Are we all ready?” asked Twilight.

“Just one last thing,” Rarity said, levitating a large banner bearing apples. She hung it carefully by the third floor balcony before declaring “Now we're ready.”

“Is Applejack all set?”

“Hasn't been seen since the stampede,” Trixie answered.

“But she'll be here for sure,” Rainbow said confidently. “Applejack is never late.”

I sighed, “Never say never. There's a first time for everything. Another idiom relating to what's actually going to happen.”

I was getting used to being stared at for my odd comments.

I turned to face the others. “Applejack has been working almost non-stop for the past four days to buck every single apple tree in Sweet Apple Acres. She's doing it alone because Bic Mac is hurt from something-or-other. And, as I noted before, Applejack is the most stubborn being I can think of. Well, other than a Dalek...”

“So...” prompted Rainbow. Apparently, they were getting used to my extra-planar references.

“Expect her to be acting practically drunk. Interestingly, the original version of the script involved her head-butting the trees instead of kicking them, but it was felt that would encourage kids to do the same.”

“But will she be there?”

“Eventually. With a cart full of apples behind her. We'll need to give her time to get here, and I'll explain the situation to Mayor Mare.”

“I do have a speech I can give,” said Twilight, pulling a foot-thick stack of papers out of her saddlebags. I raised my eyebrows, shook my head, and turned to the others.

“What?” asked Rainbow.

“You got the word.”

“What?”

“You.” I pointed at her. “Got. The. Word.”

“...What?” Pinkie started laughing. I just shook my head.

“Mayhaps the rest of you can extol her virtues some?” I finally prompted.

“Ohhhh,” chorused the others.

Half-an-hour later, I stood behind the podium at town hall in front of a veritable sea of ponies. So glad I'm good with speaking in public. Twilight was moping about not being able to use her over-sized speech.

“Hello, Ponyvillians! Today we celebrate an outstanding member of the community who saved the town from disaster when a herd of spooked cows almost stampeded over us all. But that's not the only thing she's done or is going to do to help out around Ponyville. To illustrate, we have a couple guest speakers. Rainbow Dash?” I stepped aside as Rainbow Dash stepped up to the podium.

“Did you see Applejack's slick moves out there? What an athlete.” The crowd cheered. “Tomorrow she's gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it's gonna be so awesome.” I had to choke back a squee at the Dashface. She then stepped down as I moved back.

“Thank you, and next-” I was shoved aside as Pinkie interrupted me.

“I get to run Sugarcube corner for the first time!” she hopped in place for a moment as I motioned for her to go on. “And Applejack, one of the best bakers ever, is going to help me! Applejack makes everything good, so-” I paid Pinkie back and pushed her aside. Hopefully, I can keep the Baked Bads incident from occurring. Or at least turning out nasty.

“Thanks, Pinks. Next is Fluttershy.” Fluttershy timidly sidled up next to me. “You can do it, 'Shy.”

“Um, o-okay...” she whispered. She peeked over the podium. Too bad the typical advice of “picture the audience naked” would work here. They already- don't go there, dammit.

Fluttershy visibly gathered her courage and spoke, “I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season. She's going to help gather them using her wonderful herding skills. And, um, that's nice of her.” With a squeak she ducked away.

“Thank you, Fluttershy. Now, I just want to let everyone know that Sweet Apple Acres is in the middle of a major harvest, so if Applejack seems rather tired, it's because she's been busy at home. And now, I turn the ceremony over to your very own Mayor Mare!”

There was some stamping applause as I stepped aside again for the mayor to take my place. “Ah-ahem. And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the prize, Pony of Ponyville Award, to our beloved guest of honour, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity.” Aren't all of those basically the same thing? “Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend: Applejack!” In a minor departure from canon, instead of Rarity pulling a curtain away to reveal nothing (I was mildly worried that such a thing would cause Nightmare Moon flashbacks), Mayor Mare gestured out past the crowd, to where you could actually see Applejack approach

“I'm here, I'm here,” Applejack yawned. She stumbled slightly, apples spilling from the baskets on her sides, eyes blinking asynchronously as she walked up the path in the middle of the crowd. Looks like I was wrong about the cart full of apples. “Sorry if I'm late.” She made it up to the stage, and turned to face the crowd. “Miss Mayor, thank you for this here award... thingy.” She trotted over to it and looked closely at her distorted reflection. Hmm. Maybe I shouldn't have polished it quite so well. “It's so bright and shiny and... Heh, heh, I sure do look funny. Woo-woo.”

I jumped up to the podium as Pinkie joined Applejack in her... musings? “Thank you, Applejack, for being there when we need you most. Both during the stampede and in our everyday lives.”

“Yeah,” she yawned widely, “I like helping the pony folks...” another yawn, “and stuff.” Her eyes drooped close. I nodded sharply to Trixie, who cast her fireworks spell, snapping Applejack out of her brief snooze. “Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks!” She then grabbed one of the trophy's handles in her teeth and started dragging it off, ruining the base.

As the crowd dispersed, Twilight and the others gathered around me.

“You weren't kidding,” said Rarity. “Did you see the state of her mane?”

“This does remind me of a song, actually...” I smirked and sang a little of “Who's a Silly Pony.” “The G1 Bronies had a field day with this episode.”

“Where'd Twilight go?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“I'm guessing she's gone to talk to Applejack,” said Spike. “She was looking pretty concerned.”

“Excellent. I really wish I could've kept this situation from developing, but it's a lesson for both AJ and Twi about the fallacy of stubbornness. Now. If you'll excuse me, I have to warn Derpy about the Baked Bads.”

“Baked Bads?” asked Pinkie, as I hurried off. I heard Trixie's voice reply just as I left earshot, heading for the post office.

I hesitated for a moment at the door, unsure if I should just go in, before I remembered that it was a public building and simply opened the door.

“Good afternoon!” said Derpy. She sat behind the counter of the modestly decorated building, one eye, which had briefly flicked in my direction as I entered, focused on the stack of envelopes before her, and the other keeping track of the ones she sorted into various piles. “What can I do for you?”

“I'm here with a message-”

“Put it in the hopper and I'll get it where it goes!”

“For you,” I finished. Both eyes snapped in my direction for a moment.

“What kind of message?”

“Pinkie and Applejack are going to be working together in the near future to make muffins for Sugarcube Corner, as the Cakes are going to be out for a while.”

“Muffins?!” I held up my hand.

“However, Applejack's overworked and sleep deprived, so there's a very high chance that they're not going to turn out very good. In fact, they're going to be dubbed 'Baked Bads' by Pinkie, who, like James May, has an almost cast iron stomach.” How else could she eat burnt cupcakes like they're nothing? Wonder what she'd think of the “Bloody Awful?”

“James May?” She went back to her sorting, though one eye kept flicking in my direction every so often.

“Show host back on Earth, sorry.”

“It's alright. So, are you saying that I can't have muffins?”

“Not these ones, and I'm going to spread the word around to some others. It's just that I didn't want you to get sick from eating these particular ones.”

“And how do you know these muffins are going to be bad, anyway?” I started, then looked back on my interactions with the mailmare. We chatted every time she came by to deliver my meats, but my future knowledge had never really come up.

“I completely forgot I hadn't mentioned this to you. I know the future, somewhat. Only particular events, and I don't know when they're going to happen, but when they start, I can reliably predict what would happen if nopony interfered in the chain of events.” Hmm. May want to warn the Flower Trio about the bunny rampage, too... The only danger with Dash's stunt was to Dash and AJ themselves and they're tough enough to take it.

“And that's why you're the Royal Liaison?”

“Honestly, I wasn't expecting that, even if I am grateful to the Princes for it. But, I've got some warnings to deliver. See you Friday!”

“Have a good day!” My first decision on leaving the post office was about who to talk to first, only it wasn't a very tough one. Telling Rose, Lily, and Daisy about both would not only give them warning to protect their crop of flowers from the bunny stampede, but their panicky nature would spread word about the muffins without too much exertion on my part.

Hmm. Must check and see if Gummi Worms exist in Equestria somewhere. I remember reading somewhere that the Baked Bads weren't so bad if you substituted Gummi Worms in place of the earthworms. Haven't tried it myself, but I didn't cook much beyond noodles and microwaveable things before landing in Equestria.

Fortunately, I managed to deliver the news to the Flower Trio without making them panic aforethought, and they agreed to spread the message. It was on my way back to the house when I say a rather unusual sight: Rainbow Dash was shooting through the sky.

Okay, her flying about wasn't unusual. She spends more time hovering than walking. What made it unusual was the fact the she wasn't actually flying, just hurtling through the air.

Over-Propelled Pegasus, check.

Shrugging, I started back on my way, only for the back of my coat to get caught in a field of purple magic. Twilight marched past, horn aglow.

“This time, you're helping,” said Twilight, as she dragged me behind her. I rolled my eyess.

“Seriously, Twilight, I can't interfere too much in your lessons. You should know as well-”

“Just like you 'didn't interfere' with the Appleloosa/Buffalo Treaty?”

“I didn't want anyone getting hurt. Someone could've died from a building collapsing on them or if one of the buffalo rammed too hard into an anvil-”

“Or Rainbow getting thrown out of control into my balcony?”

“She can take it. Wingshreds, she can slam full speed into a cliff and come away without more than a lingering ache. As to the other issues that crop up, I've gotten Daisy, Lily, and Rose to spread the word about the Baked Bads and the potential bunny stampede.” Twilight stopped and glanced over her shoulder at me.

“Bunny stampede?”

“AJ and Winona scare rabbits. Rabbits charge into town, eating flowers and produce. One of the Flower Trio, Lily, I think, re-enacts the Death of Mufasa scene from Lion King, only she's not dead and rabbits aren't gazelles.”

Twilight sighed and started walking again, still dragging me behind her. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, letting my shoes drag lightly across the ground. Only a couple minutes into the journey, I felt an unusual urge to speak.

“I wish I had telekinesis. I've asked a bunch of people what superpower they'd want if they could, most said flight. I pick telekinesis because it can be used for flight. Get fine enough control, and you can do all manner of things, like pyrokinesis, or cryokinesis.”

Twilight sighed again. “Are you going to talk the whole way there?”

“Probably not. Even if I just started saying everything that came into my mind, I'd get tired of talking and shut up eventually. However, my point is, that instead letting me drag my feet, you could pick me up entirely.”

“No need.” I windmilled to catch my balance as she released my coat. “We're here.” I glanced out across Sweet Apple Acres.

“And where is she?”

“Follow the trees. She's probably at the point between the clear trees and the ones with apples still on.”

“Good idea. Can you 'port two?”

“If you don't mind getting singed. I still haven't perfected that trick since I accidentally brought Spike along the day of the Gala Ticket thing.”

“I don't mind at all.” She started and glanced in my direction before trotting beside me and her horn started glowing.

“Hold on.” With a flash of purple and a tingling sensation, I found myself in a tree.

“Well, this is interesting,” I commented. “You really don't have dual teleportation down.” I glanced up/down and smiled at Twilight's sheepish look. Another light application of magic floated me out of the tree's branches and set me down beside her.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, I agreed.” With a wave, the two of us headed for Applejack, just in time for her to bash the back of her head into a low tree branch. Shouldn't they have trimmed that? It's neck-height on Big Macintosh, and head-height on most everypony else.

“Well?” Twilight prodded me with a hoof. “Go talk to her.”

I walked up to Applejack and knelt down in front of her. “Applejack?” She turned to look at me. Oh, my. She does not look healthy. I lowered the pitch and speed of my voice. “Can we talk for a moment?”

“Can bees squawk-” I held up my hand.

“No. Can. We.” I gestured between us. “Talk.” I pointed to my mouth. “For a moment.” I pointed at my wrist.

“What about?” she asked.

“You.” I pointed at her. “Need.” I pounded a fist into my open hand. “Sleep.” I laid my head on my hands.

“Sleep? No, I gotta finish apple buckin'. If the apples stay on too long-”

“Then get help,” I said, calmly.

“What's kelp gonna do? I don't even like sea food.”

“Not kelp. H. E. L. P. Help.” Shadows, how long has she been awake? And that whack can't have helped any.

“Nothin' doin'. I'm going to prove to everyone that I can handle this. On. My. Own.” She turned towards the low-hanging branch, and I caught her before she could hit her head again. She shot me a look then glanced at the sky. “If you'll excuse me, I've gotta go help Pinkie Pie.” And with that she walked resolutely away. I turned to Twilight, and shrugged.

“Well, at least you tried. Are you sure nopony's going to be hurt by this?”

“I'm not one hundred percent sure, but I try not to be one hundred percent sure about anything. I'd say tell Pinkie to make sure that somepony taste-tests the muffins before she dares try and give them away. It'll be faster and probably easier on you if you 'port off without me.” she nodded quickly and with a flash of almost-blinding light she vanished.

In the meantime, I was heading for the farmhouse. I knocked on the door and it was answered by Apple Bloom.

“Heya, Joe! What brings ya by?”

“I'd like to speak to Granny Smith. About Applejack overworking herself.”

“I tried to stop her,” replied Granny Smith from inside the house, “but that mare's as fool hardy and headstrong as I ever was.” She came into view and flinched. “Great googlymoogly! Apple Bloom get away from it!”

“Granny, I told ya about Joe before. He's a nice guy,” Apple Bloom replied.

“Not to mention Royal Liaison to Princess Celestia,” I remarked. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith?”

She raised an eyebrow and looked at me warily before replying. “I'm fine.”

“Look, this situation with Applejack is potentially dangerous. If Twilight and I don't interfere properly here, she's going to accidentally give several ponies food poisoning.” Apple Bloom gasped.

“That bad, huh?”

“When you can't tell the difference between the words 'we' and 'bees' or 'germ' and 'worm,' you should get some rest.”

“That bad, huh?” Granny Smith's eyes narrowed.

“The thwack to her head probably didn't help matters either. If things don't change after the current situation, she could cause serious havoc in Ponyville from a rabbit stampede.”

“That don't sound like a disaster,” remarked Apple Bloom.

“It is when the rabbits eat the produce at market.” I paused and looked around. “Where's Big Mac?”

“He's at Ponyville General,” said Granny Smith. “They're checkin' on his ribs. That old plow is getting worse every time he tries to use it.” She smiled slyly. “At least, that was his excuse. I heard about that bet he had with Applejack about the Golden Delicious apples and my girdle.”

“One should never try to fool a clan matriarch. I couldn't get anything past my grandmother either.”

“So what are we going to do about Applejack?” interrupted Apple Bloom.

“Well, she does eventually come around to getting help from her friends,” I quashed the song that started playing in my head.

“No lasting damage?” asked Granny Smith.

“No.”

Granny Smith closed her eyes and breathed deep. “Then we let it happen. Sometimes, you gotta get burned to learn not to touch the stove.”

“I've at least hopefully minimized the negative effects anyways. I'll tell Twilight your decision.” I mimed tipping my hat to her and headed out the door, just in time to witness Applejack returning to the fields, a cart in tow.

Time to find Twilight.

I ran into her on her own way out of town.

“How'd it go?”

“Pinkie was the only one who had a muffin, so I got her to the hospital.”

“I talked to Granny Smith about the situation, and she said it'd be best to let it play out.”

“What? Why?”

“Sometimes you have to learn things first hand. Well, she said 'you gotta get burned to learn not to touch the stove,' but, same difference.” Twilight snorted. “But first, you need to talk to her, otherwise she'll be stuck at a dead tree for the rest of the day.”

“Right. So, what are you going to do?”

“I'll probably visit Pinkie, then get something to eat. Maybe top Spike from digging the Baked Bads out of the trash.” At that she made a face. “Exactly. He's even more of an omnivore than anything on Earth. Except maybe raccoons. No, because not even raccoons eat stone.”

By the time I finished musing, she had already started walking off, and I took that as my cue to head off to visit Pinkie.

“You were right,” she moaned, as soon as I entered Intensive Care. “They were Baked Bads...”

“Well, at least no one else got hurt, right?” I sat down beside her bed.

“Yeah...” she turned and threw up in the nearby bucket. I flinched at the visceral splat.

“Oogh. I know that feeling. There was one time I remember throwing up what looked like hot water. Went through my nose, too.”

“Please don't talk about that,” she burped. “Makes it worse.”

“Right. Sorry. Get better soon, alright?”

“I hope so...”

“In the meantime, I've got to stop Spike from getting the leftovers out of the trash.”

“Good luck with that.” With a wave, I went out the door. And arrived at Sugarcube Corner just as Spike walked out the door, a Baked Bad in each hand and apparently finishing up a third.

“Hey, Joe, want one?” He offered the one in his left.

“...No.” I rubbed my forehead. “Look, Spike. Pinkie is in Intensive Care right now because of those. Do you really think anyone who isn't an Extreme Omnivore like yourself would want one?”

“Oh. Good point. I guess they're all mine!” He dashed off with the pastries in claw, chuckling as he went.

I shifted my glasses and sighed. Should I stick around for the bunny stampede...? Immediately after I asked myself that, I was answered by a slight pang of hunger. Home for food it is.

Let's try and make a grilled cheese sandwich or two today.

For the first grilled cheese I ever made it was... bland. Might add pepper next time.

Trixie came in not long after and informed me that tomorrow we would be helping Applejack with the harvest.

Great. Physical labour. At least we would be compensated with food.

Clan matriarchs (Also Known As grandmothers) make the best food.

Author's Note

A/N: Grah. This chapter. I got stuck so often, in part because I got distracted by Minecraft (Both the Magic Farm and New World modpacks in Feed The Beast) and Dragon Age: Origins.

Also built my house in vanilla Minecraft from memory just to prove to myself it was feasible for Twilight to build it from my memory. I got a couple of rooms the wrong size, but everyone I showed it to was impressed.

Next chapter is either going to be original or involve Pinkie Sense. Might merge the two...

Also: I want comments and a Trope Page. But if I can't have a Trope Page, I want comments!

Chapter 12: August 15, Feeling Pinkie Keen

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 12: August 15, Feeling Pinkie Keen

I slumped against the cart full of baskets full of apples.

“Pah... Had I known... How hard... This was... I wouldn't... Have volunteered... In the first... Place...” I panted. “My arms... Feel like... Rubber!”

Three days. A full three days of working at Sweet Apple Acres, mostly lifting baskets of apples into carts for Applejack or Pinkie to haul away. Though, in the past day, Big Mac had apparently, finally, made a full recovery, and had just started helping out.

Celestia's Beard, he doesn't buck the tree and make apples fall out, he stomps on the ground and makes several trees drop apples. No wonder he's such a vital part of Applebuck Season.

I will admit, however, that the food was completely worth it, even if I'm never going to do this again.

Well, I might do it if the Apple Clan really needs my help, but I won't just offer my services.

“Mighty obliged, though,” replied Applejack, who had slept for an entire day after she came to her senses. “If'n ya want, I could give you a lift back to town. I've got to get some apples to market to sell them.”

“Thanks, yeah. I'll take you up on that.” I levered myself to my feet and followed her to a different cart, which had various Apple Clan foods as well as just apples in it. There was barely enough room for me to sit on what was essentially the tailgate of the wagon. As we headed for Ponyville at a leisurely pace, real feeling eventually worked its way into both arms, in the form of pins and needles.

“So why'd you stick around after all the others had left, too?” asked Applejack.

“Seemed to me the right thing to do, was all,” I replied. “Not to mention the food was excellent.”

“Good ta hear. Got any plans for tomorrow?” I rolled my eyes.

“You should know by now that I never plan that far ahead unless absolutely necessary. But I'll probably be recovering from the farm work.”

She laughed about that and we spent the rest of the trip in companionable silence. When we reached our destination, I waved goodbye and headed off for home, when I ran into Pinkie.

Whose tail was twitching. And she's wearing an umbrella hat.

“Got a spare umbrella stashed around Ponyville somewhere?” I asked.

“Yeppers!” she said, and rooted around a nearby flowerbed and came back with an umbrella that I opened and held above my head. I instantly changed my plans and turned to follow her on her path.

“Pinkie Senses acting up today?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Today's the day Twilight evolves into a Rapidash, then.”

“What's a Rapidash?”

“It's a fire horse from another universe, I suppose. Can't just say it's from fiction anymore, considering my situation.”

I glanced around as we chatted about Pokemon, until I spotted Spike wearing a tuxedo shirt and holding a stick that was soon changed into an ornate walking cane. As soon as I spotted him, he spotted me, and I waved to him. His attention was grabbed by Twilight as she lifted a small boulder above his head, before transmuting it into a top hat.

For a moment, anyways.

As his attention strayed back to Pinkie and I, the hat turned back into a rock and dropped right onto his head. I winced, then glanced back over to Pinkie, who was wincing in sympathy as she ducked under a porch and kept an eye on the sky, tail still twitching. I then stepped back towards the house we were beside, making sure I was under the eves.

After a conversation we couldn't hear, Twilight approached us and asked, “What in the wide-wide world of Equestria are you two doing?”

“Pinkie's tail is twitching,” I replied.

“And you know what that means!” Pinkie added.

“Actually, no. I don't.”

“Pinkie Sense,” I replied.

“When my tail's a twitchin' that means stuff's gonna start falling! You should duck for cover.”

“It's not going to rain,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “There's barely a cloud in the sky- oof!” she was interrupted by a frog to the face.

“She didn't say it was going to rain, she said 'stuff' was going to start falling,” I said. The frog croaked.

“He just said 'nice catch' in frog,” Pinkie said.

“You can speak frog?” I asked her.

“I only understand a few words, can't speak it myself.”

“Oh, I'm so sorry, Twilight,” said Fluttershy from above us. “I just couldn't stand seeing the pond getting so overpopulated, with all the frogs hopping into each other, so I decided to fly as many as I could over to Froggy Bottom Bog.”

“I'm guessing from the name that there's already some frogs there?”

“Oh, yes. And they've already agreed to take these few in. I gotta go, or I'm going to be late. Bye!” With that, Fluttershy flew off again, leaving us with Twilight and Spike.

“You might want to get the frog off your face, there, Twi,” I said. The frog croaked at me and hopped away. “I don't have to understand frog to know that wasn't polite.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “C'mon Spike, let's continue our practice session where there's a little less commotion.”

I smiled as they started off, folding up my umbrella. Since it was a “cane” umbrella, I then leaned on it like one. Pinkie zipped by me, tail twitching again. I smiled and walked off, singing the chorus of “She Moves in Mysterious Ways.”

I continued home. As much as I would like to join in the Pinkie Sense adventure, I knew that if it got to the point where I joined them in Froggy Bottom, I would probably be eaten by the hydra. I can't run as fast as a pony, after all, and I can't count on the random chance of a bog bubble to keep me safe like it would Twilight.

I suppose I could have a bit of fun watching the slapstick comedy of Twilight following Pinkie around, but that would heavily increase the chances of my being chased by a hydra. I continued musing as I heated up some leftover Apple Clan food in the oven.

On the one hand, it was getting incredibly boring around here. Yeah, I had all the books I could want, but I was running out of ones that interested me. There were plenty of board games and the occasional arcade game to play, but even those got repetitive after a while.

On the other hand, hydras are dangerous, and, as noted before, I can't run as fast as a pony. Applejack could carry me like she has been, sure, but... It feels a bit... wrong to keep... using her like that. Twilight's two-person-teleport is still unrefined, and might just pop me out in the mountainside as easily as it could go right.

Then there's the whole non-interference thing.

I frowned as I took the food out of the oven, just in time for Trixie to emerge from the back of the house.

“Is that Granny Smith Pie the Great and Powerful Trixie smells?”

“It is indeed. I figured some food would help me decide on what to do.” I split the leftovers into equal halves and gave one plate to Trixie's telekinesis.

“What to do about what?”

“Another episode has begun, and this one has a few things I'd like to see, but it's incredibly dangerous if I interfere too much in pre-established events like this one. A slight change in timing and Twilight could splash down in the bog instead of bouncing off a convenient bubble.”

“But at the same time, you want something to do besides be bored or work at Sweet Apple Acres.”

“...Yeah.”

“What about books from your world? You could write some more.”

“I could, but if I keep asking Twi to hit me with that memory spell I'll have to start paying for her services.”

“I'm sure she'd be glad to do it for her friend without pay, though.”

“I didn't say she'd ask me to pay her.”

“You're too noble sometimes.”

“Well, I feel like I should set a good example for humanity while I'm its only representative. There's so many things I could have done or be doing that would be... shameful to do.” I sighed, carrying my now empty plate to the sink. “I'm just not sure what to do these days. When an episode comes up, I can accurately predict what would happen if I didn't interfere, which is what I promised to do, but without anything to do...” I shook my head. “I may be lazy, but I'm not so bad as to want nothing to do.”

Trixie sat there in silence as she levitated her plate to the sink as well. “There's no jobs for you to do around town?”

“Anything indoors has a high chance of causing me pain, anything outdoors has a high chance of being physical labour.” I walked back to the living room and flopped onto the long couch, Trixie sitting across from me on the short couch. “It's been a month and a half since I came to Equestria. I don't know what my family is going through with me being missing, my friends, either. Aside from the house itself, my pyjamas, and my class ring, I have nothing from home.” I took off my glasses and put my hand over my face.

“Isn't there anything...?”

“Might as well just leave me alone. I can't think of anything to help right now.”

I heard the soft padding of hooves on carpet as Trixie walked away, followed by the door opening and closing.

I'd be laying on that couch for the rest of the day.

TRIXIE

I left Joe wallowing in misery as he asked. I needed help with this one, which meant finding Ponyville's resident expert in friendship:

Pinkie Pie.

From what Joe's said, Twilight would become an expert of sorts, but as it stands, Pinkie is the one I should be looking for. Now, where could she be?

Deciding to check town square first, I found Applejack with a tub of apples on her back. “Applejack, have you seen Pinkie?”

“Not since I dropped Joe off in town, why do ya ask?” she replied.

“Joe's in a bad way. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do. I'm hoping Pinkie can help.”

“Wouldn't a doctor be a better idea?”

“Not physically in a bad way, but emotionally. He's badly depressed.”

“Well, that's too bad. Maybe we should get 'im back to the farm for a bit?”

I laughed, “You know he doesn't like work like that.” I became serious again. “He's depressed over his situation. Imagine if you were in a different place where you could make a difference, but for one reason or another you couldn't actually do anything.”

“Is that how he feels?”

“Well, he's made that promise not to interfere in Twilight's Friendship lessons, which he says is the only thing 'exciting' around Ponyville.”

“Well, maybe he should get out of Ponyville for a while!” chirped Pinkie, just a few feet off to the side of us. I jumped in surprise. How does she do that?

“Oh, hey Pinkie,” greeted Applejack, calmly. “What'cha doin'?”

“Oh, I'm letting Twilight secretly follow me all day without me knowing.” At that, Twilight Sparkle emerged from the bushes on the other side of the road, covered in bruises and bandages.

“You mean you knew all along?!” she growled. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Pinkie giggled. “Silly, that would've spoiled the secret!”

As Twilight's face made some interesting contortions, Spike popped out from behind her.

“Tail still twitching?” he asked.

“All done,” Pinkie answered.

“What in the world happened to you, Twilight Sparkle?” I asked. “You look like you were run over by a train.”

“Ugh, you would not believe the day I-”

Pinkie suddenly started shaking and shivering.

“Oh, no!” shouted Spike. “What does that one mean?” Ah, yes. Pinkie Sense. I've encountered it a couple times now at Berry's Bar, just before somepony accidentally dropped a glass. After the first time, I managed to catch them before they'd hit the floor.

“I dunno, never got any like it before, but whatever that shudder's about, it's a doozy. Something you never expect to happen is gonna happen!” She shook and shivered again. “And it's going to happen at Froggy Bottom Bogg!”

Applejack gasped, “That's where Fluttershy was headed!”

“Oh, no!” agreed Spike. “Is it about her?”

“I'm not sure,” Pinkie answered.

“We better go and make sure she's okay,” said Applejack. I nodded to her and followed after as she started running away. Twilight started talking about something, but all I caught was her asking everypony to calm down.

Who could be calm with the nicest pony in Ponyville in trouble?

As we ran, I heard Spike gasp in surprise. “I thought you didn't believe in this stuff?”

“I don't,” replied Twilight. “I just want to be there to see the look on Pinkie's face when we find out nothing's wrong.” I rolled my eyes. That's the issue with academic types: they need everything quantified before they can believe in anything.

“Okey-dokey!” replied Pinkie.

As we ran through White Tail Woods towards Froggy Bottom Bogg, Pinkie started shivering again, prompting Twilight to ask if she needed a jacket. Pinkie said no, then shivered again.

That would get annoying fast.

As we got close to the bog, we slowed down slightly, as the hoofing was growing rough.

“So... Whadda'ya think happened to Fluttershy?” asked Spike

“I hope nothin',” replied Applejack.

“I know, but, whadda'ya think happened?”

“I'm tryin' not to think about it.”

“Me too... But I'm thinkin' about it anyway. Like, what if she exploded?”

“Just exploded? For no reason?”
“Yeah, like boom!”

“Spontaneous combustion is a myth,” I said. Pinkie's “Woah!”, however, was louder, and drowned out the end of my sentence.

“I know,” Spike replied to Pinkie.

“What if... What if she exploded, and then... and then exploded again!?”

“That's even more absurd,” I said, exasperatedly.

“But what if she exploded, and exploded again, and then-!”

“Will you stop? She's fine, I'm sure of it,” interrupted Twilight, stepping on Spike's tail.

“I hope you're right, for Fluttershy's sake. Look! There's Froggy Bottom Bogg!” Applejack said, pointing. Having been across most of Equestria while I was being an “insult comic,” as Joe put it, I had seen some places that compared to Froggy Bottom Bogg. Not many, though. At least it didn't smell as bad as parts of the Haysead Swamps.

It wasn't far into the bog that we found Fluttershy, and we instantly ran in to see her.

“Fluttershy!” Spike cheered, hugging her. “You're okay!”

Fluttershy looked confused, “Of course.”

“What a relief,” sighed Applejack.

“I'm so glad everything's alright,” Pinkie agreed.

“Sorry, I know it's not nice to gloat, but...” said Twilight. “A-HA!” Her sudden exuberance startled Spike into the Bog. “I told you there was nothing to worry about, and I was right.” I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and looked. Was this the danger Joe was talking about? “Pinkie Pie said whatever she was shuddering about was a” Twilight, Applejack, and I coughed as a pungent cloud started rising. “Doozy, and- and the only- doozy here is how right I am.”

The ripples I had been watching grew in intensity until a head started rising from the muck. Followed by another, then another, and another. And, despite Applejack trying to get her attention, Twilight just kept talking.

“Pinkie's made a lot of predictions today but – ugh, what is that smell? – But what we've shown here is that there's no point in believing- in anything you can't see for yourself.”

“Then look behind you Twilight!” I shouted, as Spike started stuttering.

She turned and looked up. “I see it, but I don't believe it!”

The hydra roared, shaking the ground.

“RUN!” I shouted, and everypony except Pinkie started running. I skidded to a stop next to Twilight as soon as we realized that.

“Pinkie, come on!” Twilight commanded, before running back to get her. One of the hydra's heads dove for the paralyzed Pinkie and I quickly cast my fireworks spell in its face, forcing it to flinch back and shake it's head, roaring in pain.

The hydra roared as we continued running away, then rose out of what was apparently very deep swamp water.

“Be careful, everypony!” I said. “The swamp water could get deep in spots!” I continued to cast fireworks behind us, hopefully confusing and disorienting the hydra. Everypony continued to run and jump around the bog, dodging the hydra's disoriented lunges. We reached a sheer cliff wall, and Twilight pointed out a hill we could run up.

“HELP!” cried Spike. I reared around and cast my strongest levitation spell, popping Spike out of the muck.

“I said to be careful!” I said, following Twilight and the others up the hill.

“I think we're going to make it!” shouted Twilight.

“But Pinkie's still shuddering!” said Spike. The doozy-shudder seemed to be going on and off more frequently now.

As we kept going, Spike wanted to know if Twilight or I could turn the hydra into something harmless. Neither of us were specialists in transmutation magic, so the answer was no. I had a feeling that Twilight would be studying up on the subject after today, though.

We reached the top of the hill and-

“Of course there' a cliff! Why wouldn't there be a cliff?!” I shouted, before spinning around and firing more fireworks into the hydra's eight eyes. Couldn't do that much more, I was running low on magic.

“We're going to have to cross,” said Twilight. “One at a time, hurry!”

Fluttershy muttered a quick “believe in the me that believes in myself” and jumped across the pillars, I picked up Spike and hopped off after, Pinkie's shuddering almost making her come off the cliff behind me. Thankfully, Applejack pulled her back.

I reached the other side and turned to look, and saw Twilight turned towards the approaching hydra, before Applejack started jumping across with Pinkie's tail in her mouth. Pinkie was still shaking, the doozy must have been getting closer.

But the hydra was already here... If the hydra wasn't the doozy she was sensing, then what in Equestria could it possibly be?

I was disturbed from my musings by the flash and crackle of several fireworks coming from Twilight's position, blinding and distracting the hydra. Right. She can copy practically any spell she sees.

However, her efforts didn't seem to be stopping the hydra, because it made a blind lunge toward her position on the cliff. She barely dodged, landing on the hydra's neck before hopping off onto what was left of the cliff.

All but the two pillars closest to us had toppled over, too.

With a roar, the hydra started charging again.

“Twilight!” cried Pinkie. “You have to jump!”

“I'll never make it!” she shouted back.

“Teleport!” I shouted. “You can do that, can't you?!”

“It requires too much concentration to do right now!”

“It's your only ho-o-o-ope!” The doozy-shivers returned. “You have to make a leap of faith!”

Even from this distance, Twilight visibly steeled herself and backed up before starting to charge, just as the hydra lunged again, knocking off the last piece of cliff.

-“A slight change in timing and Twilight could splash down in the bog instead of bouncing off a convenient bubble.”-

This! This is what Joe had been talking about! As Twilight flung herself from the chunk of flying rock, I scanned the bog below and looked for- there! That must be the bubble!

To my relief, Twilight did indeed bounce off the bubble and across the pillars, before landing against the cliff face.

With a sigh of relief and big smile, Twilight re-opened her eyes.

“I knew you could do it!” cheered Pinkie as she hugged Twilight. I sighed in relief. Looks like everything turned out alright.

Twilight backed up and held Pinkie's hooves. “I don't know how it happened; coincidence, dumb luck, or what, but you said there'd be a doozy here at Froggy Bottom Bogg, and I'd say we just had ourselves one heck of a doozy. I mean that hydra-” She was interrupted by Pinkie shuddering again.

“I thought so,” I nodded.

“Trixie?”

“The hydra wasn't the doozy, was it?” I asked Pinkie. The others gaped at me.

“Right. I'm still getting the shudders, so whatever the do-o-o-o-ozy – see? There it is again – at Froggy Bottom Bogg was, my Pinkie Sense says it still hasn't happened.”

Twilight gaped for a moment before attempting to reply, “Huh? But, I- WHAT?! The hydra wasn't the doozy?! How could it not be the doozy?! WHAT COULD BE DOOZIER THAN THAT?!”

“I dunno, but that wasn't it.”

With a growl and a flare of magic, Twilight rose into the air and flashed into heat and light, her mane turning into fire and her fur becoming bright white. Beside me I heard Pinkie say “So that's what a Rapidash looks like.”

“Oh, I give up,” Twilight sighed, returning to the ground with a sigh and singed fur.

“Give what up, Twi?” asked Spike.

“The fight. I can't fight it anymore. I don't understand how, why, or what, but Pinkie sense somehow... makes sense. I don't see how it does, but it just does. Just because I don't understand doesn't mean its not true.”

Pinkie's shuddering grew more intense as she asked,. “Y-y-y-you m-m-mean you b-b-b-believe?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

What came next was the most bizarre contortions I'd ever seen happen to a pony's body. And considering my previous career in show business, that's saying something. Pinkie sighed immediately after and said, “That was it! That was the doozy!”

Spike did a sort of triple-take, and Twilight said, “What? What was?”

“You believing. I never expected that to happen. That was the doozy, oh and, oh what a doozy of a doozy it was!”

“I can't say I was expecting it either,” I nodded. “But now that that adventure is over, we should get back to Ponyville. Joe needs your help.”

As we returned to town, I explained the situation as best I could, leaving out that I had any warning about danger. I had completely forgotten about it until that last part, so it wouldn't have been worth it to mention at that time.

Pinkie's idea had merit, though. Get Joe out of Ponyville for a while. Maybe I could take him to Hoofington?

Author's Note

I hate having to basically copy-paste the script. But the part I got truly stuck on was the part I was debating with myself at. Because that's pretty much exactly what I was deliberating on.

The toughest part about writing from a different perspective was all the jokes I couldn't make. For example, when Twilight landed on the hydra, I was extremely tempted to write “Get up on the hydra's back!” (which any of you who have played Kingdom Hearts II will now be hearing for the next few minutes), but there was no one there who could make that joke.

I did blend in a part of the next chapter (which will be original) into this one, so it's time for an original! (I just need to figure out what book title to use)

Chapter 13: August 18-19, Active Exploits

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 13: August 18-19, Active Exploits

Two days after my uselessness-derived depression began, Trixie had me on a train to Hoofington. The day before, Pinkie had tried to throw me a cheering-up party, but I just channelled Grumpy Cat and she went away.

I'm writing this long after these events have taken place. I'm allowed to be flippant about being depressed. And I did apologize later.

Anyways, I spent the majority of the train ride staring out the window and sighing every ten minutes (Trixie counted). When we reached Hoofington, Trixie levitated our luggage out the train and I sullenly followed along. After a couple minutes of walking, we came to a house that, really, looked like every other house in town, and actually kind of reminded me of some of the older houses in Ionia. Trixie rapped on the door and a couple moments later, it opened, revealing a light green (but not as light as Lyra) unicorn stallion.

He had on thick glasses and his cutie mark was a grouping of golden stars or sparkles or something like that.

“Trixie! It's been so long, how's show business been for you?” he greeted her with a big hug, then grabbed the luggage in his own gold-green magic. “And whose this interesting guy?”

“Dad, I'd like you to meet my friend, Joe. He's from an alternate reality.” I quirked an eyebrow at Trixie's minimalist introduction, then blinked when I realized what else she had said.

“So, this is your dad?” I said, quietly. I hadn't said much over the past couple days, but I wasn't normally talkative anyways.

“Right. His name is Special Effect. My mom's name is Rising Star. They met in Los Pegasus while he was pitching a movie about the difficulty of making it in show business.”

“Yeah, Executive Meddling didn't go for it, though,” he added with a sad smile.

“That sounds... Vaguely familiar...” I was then introduced to Trixie's mom, who was a peach coloured earth pony with light pink hair and the drama masks under a star for a cutie mark. But what caught my attention was her necklace. It was a small heart glowing lightly. “Sweet heart of darkness. Your parents are pony versions of Mike Jittlov and Cindy!”

“Who?” They all asked.

“Mike Jittlov is/was a special effects artist who wrote a movie about how hard it is to get a movie made, with the subject movie being the movie you were watching. Cindy was the name of the female lead, though I never really tried to remember the name of the actress. And the movie, my favourite movie of all time, was called 'The Wizard of Speed and Time.'”

They looked at me and smiled, Special Effect saying, “So, how'd the movie go?”

Trixie was right, I thought, starting to talk about the movie. Maybe I really did need to get out of Ponyville for a while...

At about supper time I was feeling pensive again. It wasn't near as bad as yesterday or this afternoon, but I still didn't feel up to going back just yet. I ate silently and quickly, before thanking Rising Star for the meal and leaving the table.

“And here I thought you were feeling better,” Trixie said, meeting me in the backyard. I was looking up at the stars again.

“I am, actually. But, when we get back, I'm going to just have the same issues eventually crop up. Diamond Dogs are probably really tough, so I'd have issues with Dog and Pony Show. As much as I don't want to, Party of One is an important lesson when Pinkie goes a little mad. I have little doubt the as-yet-unformed Cutie Mark Crusaders will badger me about their cutie marks, which I won't be allowed to tell them. I might be able to do something with the Parasprites thing when it happens, but I'm not sure on that point.” I didn't notice it at the time, but Trixie flinched when I mentioned Parasprites. “And then both the cockatrice and Owloyscious events involve dangerous creatures and my presence could change things for the worse.”

“You've really been thinking about this.”

“Thinking is what I do. At the very least, when we get past Lesson Zero I'll be able to take a more active role in things, but I don't know when that's going to happen. Things are happening out of episode order and there doesn't seem to be a specific timing for everything. I mean, the Pinkie Sense thing happened almost immediately after Applebuck Season, and almost nothing seemed to happen between when you arrived and the Poison Joke incident.”

“Maybe, we could stay in Hoofington until you get word that this 'Lesson Zero' has passed?”

I smiled and shook my head. “I don't think so, Trix. Aside from my house being there, and I was named Royal Liaison to Ponyville specifically, you have a job of your own at Berry's Bar, and I doubt she'd take it too kindly if you just up and quit for no reason. And... I'd miss everyone else. I've already had to leave my human best friends behind, and I wouldn't want to leave my pony best friends so soon after.”

“Oh, so I'm not one of your-”

“Sorry, I till have difficulty with tact sometimes. Of course you're one of my PFFs.” There was silence for a few moments.

“Your what?”

“Pony Friend Forever. Applejack comes up with it at the end of Season Two.” I sighed again. “And we're not even half-way through Season One. I've been keeping track.” I pulled out a notebook, which had all the episodes written on it, either by name or main event. The ones that had happened had a date by them.

“Well then, as one of your PFFs, I'll help you through this. Okay?” Trixie lay a hoof on my hand and smiled softly. I smiled back, and we spent the rest of the night watching the stars and chatting about some of the post-LZ events, since we'd be able to do something about those when they finally happened.

It was nice to have somepony to talk to about the future like that.

Waking up the next day, Trixie and I came down from upstairs (I had to crouch quite a bit on the way down, which was going to prove to be painful eventually) to find Special Effect had left for his job at the Hoofington Community Theatre and Rising Star making lunch. As I sat down at the table, a thought occurred to me.

“I didn't think of this at first because everypony in Ponyville is already used to me, but... Why were your parents not surprised by my appearance?”

Rising Star answered my question instead, “Ever since she settled down in Ponyville, she's been writing us about her life there. And you take up at least half of each letter. It's definitely an improvement over the lack of communication from when she was on the road.”

I froze. That's a familiar-sounding Trope, even if I don't know the TV Tropes name for it. It was a Trope most commonly used in Harry Potter stories for whomever the main pairing with Harry was, particularly Hermione-based fics. I resolved to wait until Trixie and I were alone again before I brought it up, no need to embarrass her in front of her mom.

“That would explain the lack of traditional Pony fare,” I commented instead. Trixie looked at me quizzically for my brief freeze-up.

“Trixie wrote to us that you two were coming by on Monday, so SF and I bought some extra food that you could eat. It's also why you two were undisturbed this morning.”

“Thank you.” After a quick breakfast/lunch, Trixie took me out to show me around her home town. It vaguely reminded me of places I'd seen on Top Gear (the proper one, not that idiotic US rip-off) and Doctor Who. In other words, very British.

“Trix... Before we get too far into exploring, I think we need to talk.” Huh. Wasn't that a reversal.

“What about?” She asked cautiously.

“In my reading experience, there's only two real reasons for someone to constantly write about one subject. Especially when that one subject is a person.” She leaned back, one hoof off the ground. “I see you get my meaning, and I'm sorry, but-”

“You aren't into ponies. I remember,” she mumbled.

“Right.” I scratched the back of my neck in that stereotypical anime way. “I'm sorry.”

“I hope it won't make things awkward between us.”

“So do I.”

“Then...?” There was an awkward silence.

“So! You were going to show me where your dad works!”

“R-right. Right this way.” We continued on in silence, only broken by an awkward attempt at breaking the silence that usually ended in failure. The HCT was a decent-sized building, with pony-sized seating for about three hundred. There was a dress rehearsal on for a play I didn't recognize (Maybe I should look into books from places other than Golden Oaks Library?), and the scene in question involved two armoured ponies, one pegasus and one unicorn, duelling with what appeared to be actual swords. I guessed that the thunderstorm on stage was being produced by Special Effect just off-stage.

“Is your mom not in this play?” I asked.

“She auditioned, but none of the main parts fit her. She's just a background character for this production, mainly in the first act. She's usually in every other play they put on here.”

“Are those swords real?”

“Yes. They're forged by the local smith, Black Heart, just down the road from here.”

“Fascinating. I actually knew a blacksmith in the S.C.A. with the name Black Heart. I can never remember his mundane name, though...” I cocked my head in thought, but before I could say anything further, the director (I presumed) called a cut and used one of those clapper boards to interrupt the scene. My brain took a bizarre curve in thinking, as it is wont to do, and I had a sudden idea. “Lightning has just truck my brain.”

“What? When?”

“No, you screwed up the line, you're supposed to say 'that must've hurt...'” I trailed off at Trixie's confused look. “Anyways, that clapper board dealy just made me realize a way for me to have adventures without real consequence!”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you know of Role Playing Games?” She blushed. “Not that kind. I mean pen and paper, or quill and parchment, I suppose, wherein players take up personae of people of their own creation to adventure in a world that exists almost entirely in their own imagination?”

“Well, that about sums up my knowledge right there.”

“I was reminded of a RPG, that's an initialism, by the by, whose symbol is that very clapper board thingy-”

“It is actually called a clap board.”

“Huh. Interesting. Anyways, it's called Active Exploits, and its a completely diceless Role-Playing system that I can use to play potentially exciting adventures that don't endanger anyone and can easily alleviate my boredom. Well, when everyone has time to play, that is.”

“And I'm guessing you'll need that memory spell?”

“Yes! But it can wait for a while longer. I think it might be prudent for me to be armed.”

“You already have two.” I looked at Trixie with half-lidded eyes.

“I'm hoping that was just a joke.” She rolled her eyes.

“It was. Sorry for trying to be funny at my own expense.”

“Well, it's certainly an improvement over being maliciously funny at someone else's expense. Regardless, I think I should pay this world's Black Heart a visit and see about getting a longsword and a heater shield crafted for me. That way, I have a weapon I can use if I need to.”

“And you won't be completely useless if a monster comes along.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny. To the blacksmith!” Trixie nodded and we left the building, though I intended to come back to take a look at the script. It looked interesting.

As I expected, the cutie mark of the blacksmith was the same as the crest of the Black Heart from Earth: a black heart over an anvil. Simple, but descriptive, like most cutie marks. Fortunately, I had enough on me to buy a functional sword and shield with a sheath made of special reinforced cloth (which made sense, considering the sapience of cows). The two would take a few days to forge properly, so they would be delivered to my house when they were finished.

There wasn't much left to do in our tour, as Hoofington was a fairly small town, so Trixie and I returned to the theatre for to watch the rest of the dress rehearsal and ask the director for a copy of the script. He stared at me for a moment before sliding a script over to me. The play's name was “Born of the Gods” and it dealt with a war between the children of some ancient pony deities. There was also some romance involved, which made things slightly awkward between me and Trixie.

Celestia and Luna were not actually considered deities, by the way. Just powerful Royals Who Actually Do Something. I didn't pay much attention to the current religion of Equestria, but it was polytheistic (multiple gods).When we got back to her family home, she grabbed her mom and they retreated upstairs, presumably to talk about our conversation in town.

Acceding to her unspoken request, I remained downstair, pulling some parchment out of my coat pocket, sitting down at the kitchen table.

I twirled my quill as I contemplated what to say.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know this seems early, but that's because it isn't a Ponyville Progress report. I'll be sending that along Friday as usual. This is more along the lines of a Friendship Report.

I had a... I suppose you could call it a crises of faith or something like that. I have all this future knowledge that would become useless if I actively used it to interfere. Not to mention some of the potentially dangerous situations that can pop up (I don't know if Twilight mentioned it, but there was some very real danger from a hydra that lives in Froggy Bottom Bog in the most recent “episode”), and that selfsame interference could turn those instances lethal. This realization and dilemma paralyzed me with depression and indecision for a couple days.

I suppose it doesn't help that I found these incidents to be the only excitement in Ponyville.

But, thankfully, I have a good friend in Trixie (though she admits she got advice from Pinkie). I'm writing this letter in the kitchen of her parent's home in Hoofington, where I've had some inspiration on something called Role Playing Games as a way to have safe adventures with ponies that can alleviate my unfortunate boredom, and maybe use the games to (eventually) give Twilight some extra friendship lessons.

The lesson itself? Amusingly, it sounds like a song from Earth: I can get by With a Little Help From My Friends.

Though I imagine divination is more Luna's domain than yours, I am curious as to how you deal with having more knowledge than the average pony.

Thank you for your time.

Your Liaison,
Joseph Glenn McCord

I looked the letter over a couple times before pulling the jar of fire from another coat pocket and stuck the letter in. While waiting for a reply, I pulled out the script and started reading it from the opening scene.

I had made it to the second act when the reply materialized from the jar of smokeless green fire. Trixie and her mom had come down and left for town.

Dear Joe,

I appreciate that even someone who knows the lessons Twilight has yet to learn can themselves learn something of friendship.

And, no, Twilight did no mention the hydra. I will have a word with a squad of royal guards about potentially relocating it.

When it comes down to it, I have my own issues with what I can know that others cannot. You said the day we met that you knew of my plans for Starswirl's Journal. I'm guessing what that means instead is that you know of my plans for Twilight.

I paused in my reading and looked around. I might want to continue this letter somewhere more private, even if nopony is currently home.

After settling into the bathroom, I continued.

Twilight has a potential I have only seen in four ponies in my long life: My sister, Princess Cadence, myself, and Starswirl. And that potential is the potential to become an Alicorn. That she also happened to be the new Element of Magic was a happy coincidence I discovered after I had tutored her for a few years.

I care for all of my subjects, pony and non, and it always pains me when I must do something that may hurt them. But I take solace in the fact that they are securing the happiness of future ponies. This perspective might be difficult for you, being so much younger than myself, but some lessons have to be taught through experience rather than simply explained.

Actually, I had heard the same thing from Granny Smith not even a week ago. It even sounded like a common school work refrain: If someone hands you the answer, you didn't really learn anything. Or give a man a fish and all that.

As I said before, I care for all my subjects, but I do care for some of them more than others. And I care for Twilight as if she were one of my own dear children. I am never pleased to hear when she's in danger, and I have some trepidations as to some of the future events you have detailed to me. Your assurances that everything will turn out alright in the end have helped as well, and I have faith in you.

Use your own judgement to decide on whether a change could be a bad thing, or if it could change things for the better.

I may be interested in these games myself. Let me know when your next book comes out, as Luna and I quite enjoyed the other two.

With love,
Princess Celestia

P.S.: Luna is feeling well enough that she isn't exhausted after beginning her night. Perhaps one night soon you could write a letter to her? I'll deliver it when it arrives.

I smiled softly. I could feel motherly warmth radiate from the last paragraphs of the letter.

That leaves me with only one “dilemma” when I get back to Ponyville:

What to do about Trixie's feelings.

How'd she even fall for a boring alien like me, anyways?

Author's Note

This chapter turned out shorter than I expected, but I hope it doesn't seem forced. I wasn't even planning on revealing Trixie's parents or feelings until season 2, but they just seemed to want to come out here. Trixie's will be dealt with eventually, but at this point this subplot must remain in the background.

Trixie being from Hoofington is borrowed from other fics, notably alexwarlorn's Pony POV Series, and it makes sense that she would use her home town, where everypony would be on her side in some way, as a location to perform an impossible feat.

“The Wizard of Speed and Time” is an excellent movie and I recommend you go see it. There's a link on the Trope Page: Film/TheWizardOfSpeedAndTime.

Next chapter, Apple Bloom attempts to persuade Joe to use his future knowledge to reveal her cutie mark.

Teach a man to fish...

Chapter 14: August 23, Call of the Cutie

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 14: August 23, Call of the Cutie

I leaned back in the replica of my maternal grandfather's office chair, in the room that was my dad's office in another world. The Active Exploits manual had been sent off to a publisher that had connections to a game company (which made the pony equivalent of Clue, also called Clue. The big difference was finding out who used what to eat the special cake, instead of who killed Mr. Boddy. And no, not all Equestrian mysteries involve pastry), and I was working on an Earth classic: “A Hobbit's Tale: There And Back Again. By John Ronald Reuel Tolkien.” Having read that the Princesses both had enjoyed the works by Mercedes Lackey, I figured some truly legendary literature would be something else they would enjoy.

Anyways, I put my quill in the ink pot and held my wrist, twisting it around in an attempt to alleviate the soreness of constant writing.

“Maybe I should get around to re-inventing the typewriter,” I muttered.

“Typewriter?” asked Trixie, who was looking over what I had already written for errors. It was early afternoon, and both of us had actually gotten up early that day. I was still feeling a little awkward around Trixie, but, thankfully, acting experience and previous attempts at stoic-ness helped hide that. I think.

“It's kinda like a piano, only instead of the hammers hitting wire to make music, there's letters embossed on them that imprint ink from a ribbon, which I have no idea how to make, onto a sheet of paper. Sorta like a miniature printing press.”

“That would probably speed things along, yes,” agreed Trixie, flipping to the next page.

As the ache in my wrist died down again, I heard a frantic pounding from a door upstairs. Trixie and I glanced at each other and she returned the incomplete manuscript to the desk. Taking the stairs on all fours as I enjoyed doing, I glanced out the windows of both doors to see who it might be, only to find no one. But the knocking continued. Judging by the sound it must be coming from the front door, which meant someone who hadn't visited the house before.

I walked over to the door and found Apple Bloom was the one beating a dent in the door. No, seriously, there was a dent in the door. I waited for her to just start for another knock before opening the door swiftly, her momentum carrying her over the threshold and into the dining room.

“Yeeeessss?” I said, in what I believe to be a smarmy voice.

“Joe, you know tha future, right?” she said, jumping straight to business.

“Yeeeaasss,” I answered, mimicking that one maitre de on The Simpsons (That one guy “I had a stro-oke!” You know?).

She paused. “Why are you talkin' like that?”

“Personal amusement.”

“Anyways, you know the future, which means you gotta know what my cutie mark is!” Ah. That was it.

“To be honest, your cutie mark was never confirmed in-show.” Her jaw dropped, her ears flattened, and I think I saw tears start to well up before I continued. “However,” she perked back up, “the Brony Herd does have a pretty concrete suspicion as to what your special talent is.” She jumped around me in a circle cheering.

“Can ya tell me what it is?” She asked, eyes shining.

“No.” Instantly, she went back to depression. I sighed. “Look, I vowed not to interfere too heavily with the future, because it could have dire consequences.” No CMC meant Discord might not get out on schedule, not to mention the Cutie Mark Chronicles and The Show Stoppers wouldn't happen. Or at least it would be less likely. “And, it would be incredibly irresponsible of me even if I could. A lesson that's been pounded into my head over the last two weeks has been similar to an old Earth saying: 'Give a man to fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.' Do you understand?”

“...No.” she mumbled. Behind me, I heard Trixie go back down to the office.

“Okay, let's put it this way. If you were hungry and I gave you an apple pie, for instance, what would that do for you?”

“Well, I wouldn't be hungry anymore.”

“And what about the next day, if you were hungry again and no one came along to give you another?”

“I guess... I'd still be hungry?”

“Right. Now say that, instead of giving you that pie, I gave you an apple seed. What would happen then?”

“I can't imagine I'd last long on a single apple seed, neither.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why not find somewhere to plant that seed, instead of eating it? Then what?”

“Then I'd have an apple tree. Eventually, anyways. Then I'd have lotsa food!”

“Exactly. If someone just gives you something, you don't learn anything, but if you learn how to do it yourself...”

“I get it now!” I smiled. Then waited while she continued smiling up at me. And waited a bit more. “So, what's my special talent, then?”

A loud smack reverberated through the house as I facepalmed. Seriously? “I just told you I can't tell you that, and even gave an allegory or parable or whatever as to why. Figure it out on your own.”

And with that, I shoved her out the door (she's pretty heavy for a waist-high pony) and closed it again, returning to the basement office. I hadn't even made it down the stairs yet when Apple Bloom began pounding on the door again, so as I entered the office, I pointed my thumb behind me and told Trixie it was her turn.

With a long-suffering sigh, Trixie put the pages back down and went up the stairs herself. I flicked my wrist and started writing again as I heard the knocking stop, checking the timer on the corner of the desk every once in a while. It was timed to stop when the memory spell ran out, which would be in another fifteen minutes. At that point I'd have to head back into town to pay Twilight for another casting. She didn't want payment at first, but I reminded her that I was being paid as a result of the spell, so she deserved compensation.

Trixie had tried to cast the spell herself, but at her current level it didn't last more than ten minutes per casting without utterly exhausting herself. And neither of us had any idea where the Alicorn Amulet would be to look for it, and even if we did, we didn't want to risk the corruption side-effect.

After a hushed conversation I could barely hear over my focus, I noted the closing of the door and the clack of hooves on wood.

“She's decided to seek help from her family, since we were being so unhelpful.”

I nodded. “She'll attempt to earn her cutie mark in selling apples, which will result in scaring Time Turner away from the stall. His appearance inspired the idea of several Doctor Who crossovers. Then she'll force Applejack to give away a stupid amount of apples to Bon Bon by accident.”

“A comedy of errors, then?”

“Yep. She then enlists Rainbow's help in trying as many different things as she can, none of which work, then Pinkie tries teaching her to make cupcakes. After that, she tries to persuade Twilight to use her magic to reveal her cutie mark.” I heard a thud outside and stopped talking. Then I turned toward Trixie. She continued reading. “You have better ears than I do. I know you heard that.” I muttered. Not a twitch. I checked the timer as I put the quill away again. Five minutes left. May as well pause here.

I leaned over to the window, which was the normal hinged style instead of the version I was used to, and swung the window completely open. I quickly drew upon the memory of “The Fellowship of the Ring” for my next sentence.

“Well, bless my beard! Apple Bloom, what may you be doing?” The sudden change in the way I talk definitely got Trixie's attention. Not quite as impressive as Sir Ian McKellen's lines to Sam in the movie, but I wasn't going to write the movie.

“N-nothing!” squeaked Apple Bloom. Curses, that's right. She wouldn't be using Sam's “trimming the hedges” excuse. Guess I'll have to improvise. Oh, well.

“Nothing, hmm? And how long have you been at this nothing? And doesn't it go by another name, say, eavesdropping?”

Apple Bloom's ears folded back. “I... I haven't been-”

“Don't be a fool. I heard you out here. I imagine there was a plan perpetrated by you and Trixie to get me to 'accidentally' reveal my future knowledge as you sat outside the window. But I have, through various media, learned how to speak vaguely of uncertain events.”

“So, I wouldn't hear about my cutie mark from you?”

“Not from me. The variations of your eventual cutie mark is great, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell you that. Your quest for your cutie mark influences a great many future events, and on top of that, well... You'll find out. Now, off you get. You've got some searching to do and-” the timer dinged behind me as the clarity of the past faded from my mind. “-I have a memory spell to renew.” Apple Bloom nodded quietly and trotted off as I closed the window. I then turned around.

“That's what I expected to have happen,” Trixie replied, now facing me. “Which is why I told her there was no guarantee you'd reveal what she was looking for.” Trixie looked past me, and I turned slightly to confirm Apple Bloom's distance. “Her search really impacts the future that heavily?”

“Well, if all goes right, she'll found the Cutie Mark Crusaders with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle tonight at Diamond Tiara's cute-ceañera. The three of them will give Twilight a few friendship lessons, and they'll help unlock Q from his prison, which is a pivotal event.” I was actually looking forward to the day DisQord would be freed, despite what it would mean for Equestria. I had plans in the works for that Draconequus.

“So, are we going to this cute-ceañera, too?”

“Why not? I'll even get to explain to all the foals that humans don't get cutie marks in the first place. Won't that annoy Diamond Tiara?” I laughed. Trixie rolled her eyes and we got ready to leave for Twilight's, as the cute-ceañera wasn't for another three hours, according to the invitation Pinkie gave us the day before. I'd probably be able to knock off another chapter or two before going.

Once we reached the market “district” (A.K.A. where everyone sets up their stalls), Applejack came stalking up to me, a mild rage in her eyes. I stopped short, and leaned away.

“What's this Apple Bloom's tellin' me about you making her cost me sales?” she growled. “I had to give away two bushels of apples to Bon Bon, and I don't want to know what Time Turner's going to react next time he comes by!”

I held up my hands in a “wait a moment” gesture. “I didn't tell her to do that. She tried to get me to tell her her cutie mark, but I told her I couldn't because it would change the future. Then she overheard me telling Trixie some things about the rest of today, which included what you just talked about. Apparently, she took my words about not changing the future too far, if she's using my words as an excuse.”

“That silly filly,” Applejack sighed, visibly calming down. “I told her her cutie mark would come in time, and that's how she took it?”

“Don't worry too much, she has good friends because of today, if things go right.” I smirked. “If I wasn't already in the middle of transcribing a book already, I'd write up another book she could sympathize with. The tough part would be explaining the subject matter to pony audiences...” After all, ponies didn't have to deal with periods and wouldn't know what was meant by “bust,” which were two of the big subjects of “Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.” Hadn't read that book since I was twelve-ish.

What? I read too much, even as a kid.

“Well, I guess if everything turns out alright.” Applejack glanced around to check who was in hearing range. “Just between us, what is her cutie mark?”

I raised my eyebrows and adjusted my glasses. “As long as you Pinkie Promise that she won't find out, save through her own efforts.” I glanced at Trixie, whose horn glowed for a moment before she nodded. Good, not somehow Apple Bloom under an illusion.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” chanted Applejack, doing the requisite motions.

“We don't actually know what her cutie mark will eventually be, but her talent, as revealed near the end of season one, is carpentry. You give her your old treehouse around the same time as the school talent show, and she fixes it up beautifully. In season three, and I have no idea how far away that is, she and the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, her friends, manage to build a Harvest Festival Float in one night after a couple bullies ruin their first one.”

A wistful smile formed on Applejack's face as she stared into the distance. “Just like Pa.” she adjusted her hat and nodded resolutely. “Thanks for lettin' me know. I won't tell another soul.” With a hoof/handshake, she returned to her stall.

“Well, that didn't go as expected,” I commented. “Shall we off?”

Trixie blinked, presumably at my turn of phrase, then nodded. She was oddly silent today. I still hadn't figured out something to do with the situation between us. And I had kept it between us, because neither Celestia nor Luna nor even Cadence, Alicorn of Love, needed to know about this. I needed to do something.

But what could I do?

We reached Twilight's and I retrieved my money pouch. There were about six, six-and-a-half, months until my house was paid for and I was getting a full fifty bits from my Royal Liaison “job.” And it turns out that writing is a decently lucrative job.

Huh. Not sure why I wrote that...

Anyways, I paid Twilight for a recasting of the memory spell, and felt a minor headache as my mind coped with the flood of information. I had learned from experience that that would fade in a few minutes. As I started for the door, Trixie told me she was going to stay behind for a bit. I said okay and returned to “my” office.

But instead of getting right to writing, I leaned back in my chair and started thinking. I have no interest in the pony form, but I still wanted to give Trixie a chance. She fulfilled my other criteria, she was pretty smart, had developed a kind heart from her time in Ponyville, and could put up with my Asperger's Syndrome. But I just couldn't get over the form.

“There has to be a solution somewhere,” I muttered, then closed my eyes, diving into my crystal-clear memory. Obviously, I was looking for the few romance stories I had encountered. I was more of an adventure reader, after all.

Magic. I had to remember that was now an option. The word seemed to reverberate with a memory.

“Magic do as you will. Magic do as you will...”

I leaned forward, eyes flying open. “The Last Unicorn.” I bit my lip. Twilight might be able to help. Even if she doesn't know many polymorphic spells, she may have connections in Canterlot's unicorn society with someone who does or can develop an anthropomorphizing spell. Though...

Spell research has to cost something. And I needed to be discreet. And I wanted to set some guidelines for her human form if I can (while I look at the mental attributes over the physical, I still prefer petite).

If only I had a proper idea of how to describe a human body, especially one of the opposite sex, to a pony who hasn't seen any besides me.

Grabbing a spare sheet of parchment, I quickly wrote down my idea and slipped the scrolled note into my coat pocket where it disappeared amongst my spare clothes. That done, I returned to writing, a subtle smile on my face.

Just under an hour and a large stack of pages later, I checked the time. I should get to Sugarcube Corner. Trixie will probably arrive with Twilight. She'd been going over there for a couple weeks now, and said she was expanding her repertoire. After I had to trim a bushier moustache than usual, I didn't doubt her.

I arrived early, as I am wont to do, and heard clattering from the kitchen as Mr. and Mrs. Cake finished up a few of the decorations.

“Pinkie and Apple Bloom back there?” I asked.

“Uh, yeah,” replied Mr. Cake. “You're certainly early, Mr. McCord.”

“Well, if I'm not early, I'm late. Just one of my tenets, Mr. Cake.” Seriously, I'm never on time. “Need a hand?”

“I think we're set, but thanks.” I nodded to them and walked to the stairs just off the store front to sit down. I pulled out my scroll and a writing set and started extrapolating on the idea, glancing up from time-to-time to keep myself aware of the surroundings. Others started trickling in as the time for the cute-ceañera drew nearer, presents being set on a table nearby, obscuring my view.

I re-pocketed my humanization scroll. Sometime in the next couple weeks I'd see if I could find an art tutor of some kind to draw an appropriate model of the human body. As mentioned before, my drawings are terrible.

Not long after the place filled up and Diamond Tiara declared that to be her name (apparently, before her cutie mark appeared her name was Spoiled Rich. Appropriate), I stood from my “hiding” place and stretched, glancing around the room. Trixie was chatting with Berry Punch off to one side, but Twilight was nowhere in sight, which I took to mean that she was in the kitchen with Apple Bloom.

“So, how's things?” said, announcing my presence to the celebrating filly. She flinched.

“Oh, its you,” she said snottily. “What do you want?”

“Just saying hello, and letting you know that I think your old name was more appropriate, considering your personality. Have a nice party!” I smiled and waved as I walked away. I'd save the “all humans are 'blank flanks'” surprise for later. I'm pretty sure I heard her snarl after me, but I was smirking.

I lurked at the edges of the party, snacking on the cupcakes that didn't smell like charcoal. A couple ponies said hello, and I replied in kind. I was feeling mildly uncomfortable with the party itself, since I don't do well with crowds, but at least the ceiling was high enough to let me stand straight up. Well, as straight up as I usually do.

After a few minutes, Apple Bloom trotted out of the kitchen door I had been keeping an eye on. I took a deep breath. Here we go. I watched her mutter to herself and dart around the room, attempting to hide her way to the door, but getting stymied every other hiding spot. Trixie sidled up to me and watched with me as Berry caught the table with the punch on it. And, in a moment that wasn't in the show itself, Berry belched at a respectable volume, then covered her mouth as she excused herself.

“You know,” I muttered conversationally, “we extrapolated almost the entirety of Berry's personality from that scene there.”

“Oh?”

“She didn't burp on-screen, but that right there was considered her Establishing Character Moment. She was then associated with alcohol. Though most sources make her an alcoholic, rather than a bar owner.”

“She does go home tipsy from time to time, but only if the bar's been busy that night.”

“Huh.” Apple Bloom back away from the door quickly as Applejack came in, pushing her back to the middle of the store front. Quickly, Apple Bloom grabbed a tablecloth and tied it around her, hiding her flank. I described Apple Bloom's attempt at deception to Trixie as best I could, and kept an eye out for Sweetie and Scoots. There they were, under another table near the door.

With a wrenching noise, Apple Bloom knocked into the record player, stopping the music. All conversation stopped as the ponies in the room looked in that direction.

“Oh, wow,” started Diamond Tiara.

“That is an amazing cutie mark,” finished Silver Spoon.

“Nice try-”

“BLANK FLANK!” They chorused.

“You got a problem with blank flanks?!” shouted Scootaloo. For some reason, everypony gasped. “I said, you got a problem with blank flanks?!” The two emerged from their hiding place.

“The problem is,” replied Silver Spoon, “that she's totally not special.”

“No,” retorted Sweetie, “it means she's full of potential!”

“It means she could be great at anything!” added Scootaloo. “The possibilities are, like, endless.” Her tone turned mocking at the end.

“She could be a great scientist, or an amazing artist, or a famous writer! She could even be mayor of Ponyville someday.”

“Ponyville is in her history,” I added. Apple Bloom beamed.

“And she's not stuck being stuck-up like you two.” Everypony in the room started chuckling.

“Hey, this is MY party,” said Diamond Tiara. “Why are you two on HER side?”

“Because...” started Scoots, before she and Sweetie turned to revealed their flanks.

“You don't have any cutie marks either?” gasped Apple Bloom. “I thought I was the only one!”

“We thought we were the only two!”

“Technically,” I said, approaching the three of them, “I'm a blank flank, too.”

“What?!” chorused the three and the rich kids.

“Humans don't get cutie marks, and most go through their entire lives without knowing anything about what they're good at. I didn't figure it out 'til about six or seven years ago, and I was only a couple years away from being considered an adult by U.S. Law.” My piece said, I stepped back to let Twilight speak her piece, smirking at the rich kids the whole while.

As the nascent CMC gathered around a table to decide their eventual name, I walked over to the door.

“Hey, Joe!” I turned to look at Apple Bloom. “Thanks!”

I nodded. “You're welcome, AB.” And then I turned back, attempting to add dramatic flair to my coat as I walked out the door.

Probably would have worked better if I hadn't stumbled over Apple Bloom's discarded tablecloth dress.

Author's Note

Not much to add here, though Silver Spoon's name is a bit of a pain to write when your “s” button doesn't work consistently. This chapter flowed pretty well once I knew where to start, though.

Next time: For-EVER!

Chapter 16: September 7/8, Swarm of the Century

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 16: September 7/8, Swarm of the Century

“...And then, of course, there's the testing phase,” explained Twilight. It was early afternoon, and we were inspecting preparations for Princess Celestia's upcoming visit to Ponyville. And at the same time I was taking advantage of our travelling through town to discuss the Anthropomorphizing Spell that had just been sent off to Canterlot's top researchers. (Somehow, “anthropomorphizing” is easier for me to say that “humanization.” No idea why.)

“So how long do you expect the spell to take?”

“At the inside, probably a year.” I looked incredulously at her. “Spell creation is difficult, why do you think Starswirl the Bearded is famous for making spells?”

“Point.” It was at that point that we came across the incomplete banner. You know, “Welcome Princess Celest?”

“What happened to the rest of her name?” asked Twilight.

Carrot Top glanced over, “We couldn't fit it all in.”

“It actually reminds me of a sign my gramma has back home. It says 'Plan Ahead,' but the letters in 'ahead' get smaller near the end because there wasn't enough room for them at the starting size.” I glanced pointedly at them. “Next time, plan ahead.”

“Yes, sir...” she said morosely.

“And don't call me sir.” I smiled, trying to be disarming about it. ...I don't think it worked.

“R-right.” Carrot Top and Berry Punch started taking the sign down, prompting Twilight and I to continue on our way.

“So, at the earliest, the spell would be finished by next year, so what about at the latest?”

“Probably three years.”

“Sweet heart of darkness. By that time, it might be easier to just give in to xenophilia.”

“I still don't understand what you have against other species.”

“I don't have anything against other species, I just don't find them physically attractive. I should restate that. I find the human form physically attractive over all else. So the more human-like another species appears the more likely I'll be attracted to them.”

“I thought you didn't really pay attention to appearances.”

“Mostly. I do prefer to look to hearts and minds over appearance, but it's still a factor. But that's why I want to have this spell made for Trixie. So I can give her a chance.” Distracted by our conversation, it wasn't long before we arrived at Sugarcube Corner.

“How's the banquet coming, Mr. and Mrs. Cake?” asked Twilight, peeking through the half-open door.

Mrs. Cake looked up from the dough she was rolling, “Well, it would be coming along better if...” She glanced pointedly over to the table, where there were several treats, most with bites taken out of them. As if on cue, Pinkie popped up from behind the table and devoured an entire cake, leaving the crown topping on her head and a beard made of frosting.

Something about today seems... familiar... I thought. It had been nagging at me for a while.

“Pinkie! What are you doing?! Those sweets are supposed to be for the princess!” scolded Twilight.

“I know,” laughed Pinkie. “That's why I'm tasting them. Somepony needs to make sure that everything is tasty enough to touch the royal tongue, and I, Pinkie Pie, declare that these treats are fit for a king, or a queen, or a princess!“

At that moment Fluttershy burst in through the front door. “Twilight, Pinkie, Joe, you won't believe...” She started. “Oh. I'm sorry, am I interrupting?”

“No, not at all! Come on in and make yourself at home!” When Twilight turned her back, Pinkie slurped up a whole cake in one bite. “What's going on, Fluttershy?”

“You won't believe what I found at the edge of the Everfree Forest!”

“Another human?” I quipped.

“No...” Fluttershy almost seemed reluctant to answer that one. She turned to her mane. “Come on out little guy. It's okay.” And that's when the familiarity clicked.

Parasprites.

“Crud.” I said, at the same time Fluttershy gasped in surprise at three of them emerging from her mane.

“They're amazing,” breathed Twilight. “What are they?”

“I'm not sure. I'm also not sure where these other two came from...”

“I'll take one off your hooves. I've never seen anything so... adorable. Besides, it'll be nice to have a companion for Spike so he won't bother me so much while I'm studying.“

“Joe? Pinkie? Would either of you like the other one?”

“Ugh,” Pinkie gagged. “A Parasprite? Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, I'm not interested in the flying tribbles either. C'mon, Pinks. Let's get ready.”

“Right. First item on the list: a trombone!”

“Ah- what?” sputtered Twilight.

“A trombone. Though it doesn't factor into the Parasprite Parade.”

“Parasprite Parade?”

“You'll see,” I said, following Pinkie out the door. “So, Pinks. Do you have a shopping list of instruments or...?”

“Oh, I've got a few favours to call in and I still have to find a couple others. I thought you weren't going to interfere?”

“I'm working on The Fellowship of the Ring right now, and if I let things alone I might lose all my progress to the flying tribbles.” At least I had already sent off the human anatomy notes. If I'd lost that scroll I'd probably start murdering every Parasprite I saw.

Pinkie looked thoughtful, but shook her head. “I'll move faster on my own, just start Para-proofing your place.”

“Right. I'll inform Trixie, too.”

“Isn't she at work by now?” I glanced at my watch. How did it get so late?

“Well, I suppose I'd have to stop by her place of work at some point. Talk to you tomorrow, Pinks.”

“Right!” She zipped off, not using her normal pronking gait. I watched for a moment as the pink blur left Ponyville and made its way towards Canterlot. Curious.

It didn't take long to find Berry's Bar, with the fluorescent lights on the front proclaiming it as such. The scent of alcohol was faint, but noticeable, the instant I opened the door, crouching down slightly to pass through the pony-sized door.

There was a low murmur from the few ponies that were in the bar, which was not darkly-lit, nor did it have a low-hanging cloud of smoke (which would have been really bad for me, considering my comparative height.

Trixie was, rather stereotypically in my mind, standing behind the bar cleaning a glass. I crouched my way over to her.

“Joe! I wasn't expecting you here, ever,” she said, setting the glass down somewhere under the counter. “Why are you here?”

“There's a situation brewing, so I figured I should warn you about it. You ever hear of Parasprites?”

Trixie's eyes narrowed. “Yes. They're in Ponyville?”

“Fluttershy found one near the Everfree and she met up with me and Twilight at Sugarcube Corner, where she suddenly had three. Twilight's taken one, and Pinkie's off to gather a one-mare-band to lead them out of Ponyville.”

“Pinkie knows what they are?” I nodded, and she continued. “I'll have to see if I can help her.”

“I don't know about that. She seems to be pulling out all the stops, what with distance she was eating up towards Canterlot. She suggested that we 'Para-proof the house' and prepare.”

“Which means I have to train you to hit a small, moving target by tomorrow. Excuse me a moment.” Trixie walked out from behind the bar and went into a door just off the kitchen. I squatted down to avoid getting a back-ache. After a few moments, Trixie came back out, accompanied by Berry Punch. Berry took up the bartending position and Trixie and I headed out the door.

“So what did you tell her?”

“The truth, of course. She knows about Parasprites now, and how to keep them out of the bar while they're running rampant.” We made our way just outside of town to our house, where Trixie levitated our weapons out of the pantry. For the rest of the night, she drilled me in attacking an illusory Parasprite and gave combat advice. After a while, I asked her where she'd encountered Parasprites before.

Apparently, Hoofigton was hit by them while she was a filly, and they were fought off by the acting troupe. They weren't very tough, but hard to hit. She encountered a couple more swarms of them while on the road and had adapted her illusions to distract them while fighting them off. Which means that we'd be in charge of literally cutting down their numbers until Pinkie could get her band together and play the swarm off.

I woke up to the sound of several somethings hitting the roof of the house. I stumbled to my feet and opened the blinds. The backyard was full of Parasprites. And... was that a cymbal? I quickly got dressed, knowing that Twilight's next strategy was to cast a spell that would stop the flying tribbles from eating food.

And instead they would eat everything else. I ran for the pantry, strapped on my sword and shield and dashed out the kitchen door. Trixie was already outside (likely because she didn't have to get dressed), an illusion of food in front of her as she cut up each Parasprite that attempted to eat it.

“I've got things here!” she said. “Get to town and help out there!”

“Right!” I booked it to town, pausing to catch my breath as I reached Market Street.

“I'll cast a spell to make them stop eating all the food!” I head Twilight say, somewhere out of sight.

“No..” I wheezed attempting to shout. “Twilight... Don't...!” But I couldn't speak loud enough while panting, and the next thing I knew, a wave of magenta magical energy passed over the town. I sucked in a couple more huge breaths, then walked forward until I saw Twilight, just as I heard Rainbow reply.

“Good job, they're not eating the food anymore.”

“If those flying tribbles eat my house, Twilight! So help me, your coat will be black and blue!” I said.

“Oh no... if they get inside my store... Everypony for herself!” cried Rarity.

“Um, um, there might be a counterspell in the library! Let's go see!” Twilight galloped away, forcing me to give chase. I caught up as she entered the library, sweat starting to bead down my forehead, and entered after her.

“Help!” shouted Spike, shoved under a basket by on of the Parasprites.

“They're eating the words!” cried Twilight. One of the library-dwelling Parasprites was doing just that to a book sitting on a lectern. I lunged forward in furious vengeance, spearing the thing with my sword. It squeaked once and its wings stopped.

The rest of the Parasprites in the room stopped eating at that moment, and looked at me. I held up my sword and shield and looked back. After a few seconds I growled and they fled. Twilight looked to the book that had been getting eaten.

“Only a few pages missing. But how am I going to explain this to the Mark Twain society?!”

“Just tell them th- Did you say Mark Twain?”

“Yes, why?”

“Mark Twain was a famous author in my world. Though, that name for him was a pseudonym, his real name was Samuel Clemens.”

“Is now the time?!” Spike yelled, peeking out of the basket. I glanced back over to him, and saw that a smaller swarm of Parasprites were starting to swarm the basket.. I sliced a Parasrpite in two and knocked one out with my shield, which Twilight promptly took in her teeth and she teleported away.

Come on, Pinks, I thought. Hurry up with that parade. I stood in the library, killing any Parasprite that came near a book, Spike starting to follow my lead and breathe fire on them.

Unfortunately, one Parasprite seemed to realize that my sword wasn't what one would call “food” and opened its mouth in time to bite off the end, more of them swarming in to do the same. Disarmed, I waded out of the ankle-high pile of dead Parasprites, the living ones now dive-bombing me and taking bites out of my clothes.

Which prompted a small litany of pseudo-curses.

By the time I made it to the town square, I was down to a sleeveless coat and shirt and shorts, and Twilight was in the middle of panicking about Princess Celestia's imminent arrival. And then, I heard music.

“Thank Darkness,” I breathed, dropping the leather strap and hilt that were all that remained of my weapons. Seeing the swarm follow Pinkie out of town, I trudged back home to find a mound of dead Parasprites surrounding Trixie, who was looking in disbelief at the Parasprites dancing away from holes chewed out of the front porch.

I hate Parasprites.

Author's Note

A/N: Sorry this took so long for being so short. I got stuck in a couple places, and I couldn't think of any way to make it longer. The next chapter might take a bit longer still, as I've taken up the side-project of pricing my entire collection of Magic cards (and I have 9247 cards, so... yeah).

Nothing much else to say here, but next chapter is all about new clothes!

Well, that should be fun.

Chapter 17: September 14-15, Suited for Success

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 17: September 14-15, Suited for Success

I was woken up by the rapping of “shave and a hair cut” on my bedroom door. That would be Twilight. She'd picked up a few of my mannerisms from that memory spell backwash. I'd even caught her swearing to Darkness like I do. Especially when she got a letter based on my report on the Parasprite situation last week.

I opened my door and said, “What's goin' on, Twi?”

“Rarity's got something to show us. She decided to make our Gala outfits today, and we're going to do a fashion show tonight for her!”

Oh, dear, I thought, but let my obvious just-woke-up-ness mask the dread. Fashion. Something I pay no attention to. “Just give me a moment to get dressed and I'll be right with you.”

“Right. I think Spike's getting some tea heated for you, too.”

“Thank him for me will you?” She nodded, and I threw on some basic day clothes, putting my bit bag, hair brush, and writing set in this coat's pockets.

Passing through the kitchen, I accepted the cup of Earl Grey from Spike, and we headed to Carousel Boutique. There, Rarity stood in the door, the others gathered in front of her.

“Good, you're all here now,” she said as we arrived. “If you would close your eyes and follow me?” As far as I could tell, everyone complied with the request, and we stumbled our way up the stairs (with the occasional accidental bump or kick) to Rarity's bedroom.

When we opened our eyes, there were the proper Gala Dresses, as expected, plus two more outfits. The new outfit on a ponyquin that must have been Trixie's was shades of purple, with a smattering of stars and what were probably planets along the whole of the dress. It was markedly different from Twilight's, though both had a star by their ear.

The only outfit on a mannequin was a pitch-black tuxedo, with a blood-red dress shirt and supple-looking gloves, and there was a cape with a softly glowing red liner, which reminded me of Lord Alucard (the one from Castlevania). The collar of the cape went up the back of the head in a way that reminded me of Vamdemon (AKA Myotismon).

While the others were dithering over their dresses not looking how they expected (even Trixie), I stepped up to feel the material of my tux. It was soft as night. I think my only issue would be the fact that I don't know how to tie a tie, normal or bow, but I liked it.

“What about you, Joe? Is it what.. you had in mind?” asked Rarity, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Technically, I didn't have anything in mind, so the answer would honestly be no. However, I love it,” Rarity smiled at that. Good. “If I were to change anything, which I wouldn't, I'd want to look all Victorian Era, like the 3rd Doctor. With all that foofiness and stuff.” I vaguely gestured at my neck as I said “foofiness,” in an attempt to get my point across. “But this is most excellent. Now I just have to try and learn how to tie a tie. Again.” Well, that at least got a giggle out of Pinkie. “Mind if I try it on?”

“No, no, go right ahead. You know where the dressing rooms are!” I nodded and attempted to give Rarity a reassuring/”if you need anything” look, but I have no idea if she got the message. Carefully carrying the mannequin downstairs, I made my way to the dressing room, and disrobed the mannequin.

Wow, she even included underwear

BLATANT TIME SKIP! (What, did you think I'd detail changing my clothes?)

“This is simply glorious!” I purred, examining myself in the mirror. “I just need a proper pompous-y cane to go with it. Hmm... It's quite some time before the Gala, maybe I could commission a shikomizue.” I paused, then rubbed my chin. “Is that what it was called? Whatever. A sword-cane-umbrella.” I grabbed the edge of the cape and held it up in the stereotypical vampire pose, then dropped it. “What kind of vampire wears glasses?” I muttered. Able Nightroad, my mind answered. “Right.” I pushed my glasses up. Maybe I could talk to Dr. See More (Ponyville's resident ophthalmologist) about trying to replicate contacts again. Maybe even red, glowing ones...

Shaking off the thought, I returned upstairs to find Rarity alone, hard at work on one of the Gala Dresses. Fluttershy's, judging by the shade of green. She was singing under her breath, presumably an unheard refrain of “Stitching it Together.”

“So, where'd you get the idea for this?” I asked, after she noticed me. “It's definitely formal enough, but it makes me think of a Nightmare Night costume.”

“That was partially my inspiration. Since you like the night so much, I thought you would enjoy something that reflected your views on it.” I took a deep breath, steeling myself.

“I know you did this out of the goodness of your heart, but I do want to repay you. Things will look bleak. The others are going to design fashion disasters, and wossname fashion guy – he's silver/grey with sunglasses on, can't remember his name – is going to hate them. I'm going to try and head him off and reassure him that they're not your real designs.” It had taken a few days and throwing around some of my insignificant influence to salvage Photo Finish's rep, but in doing so I had gained some influence in the fashion industry.

To my annoyance, considering my lack of interest.

“Thank you,” Rarity whispered.

“I believe that the Elements are not only the core of their bearers', but that their bearers inspire that Element in others.” I paused, trying to think of something else to add. “In other words, your Generosity inspires Generosity in your friends. And you know I'm one of those.”

Rarity stopped sewing for a moment and she trotted over to me and gave me a strong hug. We held the hug for a couple moments before she returned to work. Meanwhile, I changed out of the costume/tux, putting it back on the mannequin, and sat down in the lobby to write a letter to that fashion guy who's supposed to come by. I knew that I had met him while doing that salvage work, but for the life of me I couldn't remember his name!

I'd have to ask Spike his name before I send off the letter. At least, I think he's the one who asks the guy to come by for the fashion show...

Urgh, that meant there'd still be the rest of the fashion show's audience to do something about.

Though... That didn't seem to have any far-reaching consequences on Rarity's rep. Especially once she meets Fancy Pants. Hmm. Might be able to modify that encounter.

Regardless, I figured that I wasn't needed at the boutique anymore, and left for my house. The bits chewed out of the porch by Parasprites had been repaired, and Twilight herself had paid for it, since it was partially her fault (her decision, too).

On the way back, I was met by Time Turner, who presented me with a pocket watch.

“Here you go,” he said, “just like you ordered.”

I frowned. “But, I didn't order a new watch.”

“Well, some human showed up to my shop a couple days ago with an interesting design for a watch, then left after paying in advance. And since you're the only human in Equestria...”

As I opened my mouth to reply, I heard a faint grinding sound that drew my attention upwards. A dark blue spot was moving across the sky, before it faded out.

Couldn't've been... I took a second look at the watch. This was the Chameleon Arch fob watch the Doctor used in Human Nature/Family of Blood (and the Master used as Professor YANA). Cautiously, I opened the watch.

Nothing. Not a secret Time Lord, then.

I distractedly thanked Time Turner for the watch, and continued home, mulling over the curious events of the afternoon. I had just reached the outskirts of town when I remembered needing the name of the fashion guy and turned around to find Spike.

Turns out his name was Hoity Toity. Fortunately, Spike hadn't yet sent him word of the impending fashion show, so I was able to piggyback my letter onto his. Then, instead of going back to my house like I had originally intended, I steeled myself and grabbed a book on fashion. For all of two pages. So I instead grabbed the first Daring Do book and started reading it again.

It was a couple hours later when we heard back from the guy via special courier. Which made sense, since only Princess Celestia could send fire-mail back the way it came. As far as I knew. He had actually written a separate letter in response to me, which thanked me for my warning. He was apparently still coming, but knowing that the first outfits he'd be seeing were meddled with would stay his opinion until the proper clothes could be shown to him.

Just as I'd hoped.

The hours until the fashion show passed quickly, Spike having run to the boutique to deliver the news and come back in the meantime. I had gone through two of the Daring Do books and was on the third (out of currently eight) when Spike ushered me out the door.

“Come on!” he said. “It's almost time, and you've got to get ready, too!”

I rolled my eyes. “Spike, listen. I'm going to be held in reserve. You haven't seen the bizarro outfits the girls have designed for themselves, and the only one I haven't seen is Trixie's. If my awesome suit is displayed alongside those things, then Hoity is going to think it's part of the same 'line,' and dismiss it out of hand.”

“But...”

“Don't worry, Rarity knows it's coming. I warned her as payment for my suit.” Spike seemed torn about something, but I shrugged it off as we approached the boutique. Just because I wasn't in the show didn't mean I wasn't going to be there for Rarity.

I then instantly started to help set up the stage and sound system, learning a bit about putting the latter together from Vinyl's stage hoof, Roadie. As the moment approached, I stepped backstage, joining the Mane Six plus Trixie and Spike.

“Why aren't you getting ready, Joe?” asked Twilight.

“My suit isn't of the same... calibre as yours. Not to mention the fact that it's designed for a human, and yours are tailored to ponykind.” They seemed to accept that explanation, and I took a moment to find out what Trixie designed.

Trixie was wearing what seemed to be her performing clothes, but they were covered in so many sequins and beads that a Stephanie Meyer sangrophage would feel inadequately sparkly.

Spike was rocking in place, mumbling to himself and nodding on occasion, with a microphone in hand. The voices outside the curtains grew louder with each minute, until it was time. Just before Spike could speak into the microphone, I snatched it out of his claw and stepped onto the stage.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” I began. “No, wait, this is Equestria. It's 'fillies and gentlecolts.' Which always struck me as strange, since fillies are young mares and colts are young stallions. But I digress. I do that a lot.” The crowd chuckled bemusedly. “I present to you a series of ensembles designed by the Elements of Harmony! Begin the music!” I hopped off the stage and watched the crowd in mild fascination as the fashion disasters walked across the stage.

The gasps of outrage and disgust were amusing to me, though I flinched when Trixie emerged and the light reflected into my eyes. I think I heard somepony else react with a pained “gah!” somewhere behind me.

I must say, even though it was a visual abomination, Trixie's design did (pardon the pun) reflect her personality pretty well: she's a flashy show-off. At that moment a song lyric popped into my head. “how can they see with sequins in their eyes?'. Heh. Whoever did that part of Ponies: the Anthology really knew what they were doing.

As the six of them stood on the roundel (or whatever it's called) at the end of the runway, I raised the microphone again. “And there you have it, folks. Each of these dresses was designed by the very pony wearing them! I think it shows, how about you?”

“I kinda like the last one!” shouted Vinyl. “It'd be good at a rave!” That got a laugh from the assembled crowd, and Trixie shot a dirty look in the direction of the DJ. Don't like the taste of your old medicine, Trix?

“Regardless, that's all we have for you this ev-” the mike was snatched out my hand, causing a loud thud to echo through the room.

“But, Joe,” said Spike, who had snuck up on me. “You didn't introduce the one who made the dresses!”

“Spike!” I hissed. “Oui yna culr yh etued!” Unfortunately, Spike either didn't pay any attention to me, or, more likely, didn't understand Al Bhed.

“Come on out, Rarity!” Reluctantly, Rarity did just that, the crowd still laughing as she trudged forward. “Yeah, whoo hoo, way to go!” Spike's claps while holding the mike turned into booms in the speakers, so I snatched the mike back.

“Sorry about the switch in announcer, folks. But, as I was saying, that's all we have for you this evening, and we hope you enjoyed yourselves! Have a good night!”

And, as the crowd began to disperse, Rarity broke into tears and ran away. The others were looking after her in astonishment and sadness. I left the microphone with Vinyl, apologizing for not being able to help tear down, which she waved off, and went to find Hoity.

“I say, I'm very glad you said something to me earlier,” remarked Hoity Toity. “Otherwise, I would have been even more horrified. So, when might I see the proper line Miss Rarity designed?”

“I believe tomorrow. Rarity's having a bit of a crisis thanks to Spike, but the six on stage are her friends and I'm sure they will be able to get her out of it. Do you have a place to stay while you wait?”

“I did rent a hotel room before coming to this, yes. I will see you tomorrow.”

“Have a good night.”

I grit my teeth as I thought about what to do, and eventually settled on just heading back to the house. Trixie did have work tonight, so I probably wouldn't see her until tomorrow afternoon, and, hopefully, she wouldn't be too sore over the way I announced them at the show.

The next day, I joined the others at Rarity's. Dash and Trixie were visibly disgruntled with me, but AJ and Fluttershy just seemed more pensive than normal. Pinkie was seemingly unaffected and as bouncy as always. Spike was looking dejected about something.

Twilight glanced in my direction, breathed in through her nose, and sighed, “This was an episode, wasn't it?”

“Yep. Have you learned your lesson?”

Twilight closed her eyes. “To borrow an Earth idiom: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.”

The others looked strangely at her, then at me. I shrugged, “I don't really know the reasoning behind it, but I think it had something to do with being bitten by a horse or something. But, since you've learned it, I can help a little more than normal.”

“So, what should we do here?” I held up a hand and put my ear to the door. Hmm. No sound. Curious. I backed away a bit and knocked. The door opened slightly, Rarity peeking one eye out the crack.

“I was expecting the others,” she said, softly.

“They're here, too. Can we come in?” She backed away from the door and finished opening it. There was cloth laying all about the room, a couple ponyquins lopsided against each other. It was a far greater mess than the meticulous Rarity had ever let her room be in. “You seem to be taking things a lot better than I expected. Considering your canon counterpart was a gibbering wreck.”

“Unlike this 'canon counterpart,' I know that my friends who will do anything to help me. That their Generosity is as great as my own.” She looked past me. “Or am I wrong?”

I found myself crushed in a mass group hug of seven ponies and a dragon. This lasted all of a minute before it broke up.

“Is this your dress's design, Rarity?” asked Fluttershy, looking at the sketch on the wall.

“Oh, yes. I was going to work on it after I finished your dresses, but I didn't have time.” At this, Twilight and Trixie looked at each other.

“Then let us finish it for you,” Twilight said.

“What? But-”

“We just have to follow your design, I'm sure we can do that,” said Trixie.

“And with Fluttershy's freaky knowledge of sewing, we can get it together know problem,” chimed in Dash, making Fluttershy blush.

I held up my hands, “I have very little skill in sewing, so I don't think I'll be much help. Tried making a pair of boots once; they leaked.” I glanced at Rarity. “How about I take you to lunch, instead? We'll let them work.”

Rarity thought for a second and nodded, and we headed out the door. I lead her to one of the fanciest restaurants in Ponyville, where my status as Ponyville's now-famous human and Celestia's Royal Liaison got us an unreserved seat without needing to “call” ahead.

We had a pleasant lunch, with Rarity having a salad and some fancy-sounding flower-based dish and I had a fettuccine Alfredo with broccoli. When we finished and I paid (so glad I'm getting paid from all my sources of income in two days), we meandered our way back to the Carousel Boutique.

When we entered the front door, Applejack was there waiting for us. “Now wait here,” she said on seeing us. “I'm-a check on the dress.” After a few moments upstairs, she came back down with the others. And asked us to close our eyes.

“Why me, too?”

“Well, I guess you don't have to, but I figured...” I raised a hand placatingly and closed my eyes, once again stumbling up the stars to Rarity's room.

The dress looked about how I remembered it, and Rarity choked up beside me at it's appearance.

“It's beautiful,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

“Spike, if you could go get Hoity from the hotel, we'll be getting ready for Fashion Show Part 2.” Spike snapped off a salute and dashed away, while I grabbed my tux and left the room for another to get changed. It wasn't much later that we were all standing in the lobby of the boutique, Rarity rearranging things to turn it into a stage with a curtain, before pulling the blinds and lowering the curtains.

By the time Hoity arrived, we were in position behind the curtain. Trixie was to be the first on stage and I would be the last other than Rarity.

Trixie's display involved a great deal of fireworks that coalesced into the stars on her dress, while the others remained the same. Mine involved the whole room getting dark, my cape fading in before the rest of me, a glass of fake wine (really fruit punch) in hand, which I drank quickly before tossing to the side, letting it shatter before laughing.

I was very tempted to repeat the opening of Symphony of the Night, but I knew it would be out of place, so remained content with my semi-maniacal not-at-all-evil laugh.

With the introduction of Rarity at the end, Hoity applauded. “Brava, brava! Most excellent work indeed! I simply must have your designs in my shop! Of course, this fellow's suit will need to be adapted for ponies, but it's very debonair.” Rarity's eyes lit up. “I'll need six copies of each by next week.” Rarity's face fell.

Well, as adventures go, this one was pretty mild. Can't wait for the Running of the Leaves next week.

Author's Note

This was surprisingly easy to write once I got it going (and had to restart my computer a few times. Apparently the New World mod pack for Minecraft overtaxes my computer to the point of shut down). Uniquely for my story so far, this is the first episode-chapter that I didn't call up the script or the episode other than to find out the name of Hoity Toity.

To let you know, that bit near the middle with Time Turner was put in mostly because we're approaching the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who and I doubted that I'd be able to get even a side-story non-canon chapter out by then to celebrate it. Mostly.

Next chapter is mentioned in-story.

Chapter 18: September 21-22, Fall Weather Friends

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 18: September 21-22, Fall Weather Friends

“Ugh,” I groaned, failing to resist rubbing my eyes. My allergic reaction to fall had kicked in with a vengeance. Not that I should have been surprised, the way the leaves all changed colour over the course of a single week.

Turns out that allergies aren't a problem in Equestria, which meant no allergy medicine. So all I could do was grimace and bear it. On top of the usual dry, pink eyes, it seemed my photosensitivity had been magnified as well, causing pain in sunlight even with my eyes closed and my sunglasses on. An umbrella helped, but with how thin the membrane of an umbrella is, it couldn't completely block out the sun.

Thankfully, with the magic of Equestria involving weather control, I had gotten a large, dark cloud tethered to me so that I didn't have to deal with the sun every time I went outside. This seemed to annoy most of the others, though.

Which is why I was talking a walk in the much darker Everfree Forest. The leaves there had also changed colour, but, in keeping with it's uncontrollable nature, more of the leaves had fallen than in Ponyville.

My walk in the woods was for several reasons, actually. Not only was I trying to limit my ocular pain, but I figured I could visit Zecora and “Steven Magnet” while I was there, as I hadn't seen either of them in a while.

First stop was Steven, who had allowed the nickname, so that I could dry off at Zecora's on the way back if I needed to. I didn't get splashed often when meeting him, since he respected my (to him) irrational dislike of water, but it still happened on occasion.

Today I came bearing gifts, from Rarity in particular, including a picture of all of us in our gala gear. Being a fashion conscious river serpent, he would definitely appreciate them. His normal moustache had grown back a month ago, and he had fashioned Rarity's ex-tail into a bracelet of sorts.

I just passed the Proof of Laughter when I heard humming from the river. Like most other Equestrians, Steven had an excellent singing voice, but he rarely indulged, so I was rather curious.

“What's got you so happy?” I asked, as soon as I entered the clearing by the river.

“Oh, Joe! How have you been? I was just packing up. It gets quite cold here in winter, so I have to move south for a while,” he replied, gesturing to an over-sized suitcase I hadn't seen at first. “And, well, I was humming to try and cheer myself up. I usually don't mind my southward trips, but now I have you and Rarity,” he stroked the bracelet lovingly, “and Zecora and Pinkie as friends here and I don't want to leave.”

Didn't know Pinkie had been visiting him, too. “You come back sometime, though, right?”

“Yes, I don't know the calender outside the forest, but I'm usually back a few days after spring begins.”

“Then don't be sad that you're going away. Be happy in knowing that you're coming back, and that we'll still be here for you when you return. And, hey, if you wait a couple days we can get Pinkie to throw you a farewell party. Tomorrow's the Running of the Leaves over in Ponyville, so we'll be a bit busy then.”

With a wave of water, Steven rushed to the river bank and swept me into a hug. Since I was about as tall as his hand is long, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable in his wet embrace. “Oh, thank you sooo much! Tell you what,” he set me back down, “I'll even make some traditional sea serpent food for it! This should be such a relief, thank you so much, Joe!”

“Not a problem, Steven. I just stopped by for a chat, and then I'm going to be over to Zecora's for a while. See you in a couple days!” I turned and headed back into the forest, looking over my shoulder with a wave.

“Bye-bye!” he said, waving back to me. I then heard him singing outright as I left earshot. It wasn't long before I reached Zecora's tree/house, and I knocked on the door.

“Good afternoon, Joseph, you have not been by in quite some time. What brings you to this house of mine?”

I thought for a moment before replying, “I haven't seen you for so long, I just wanted to stop by. Is that so wrong?” I had made it a game of sorts to try and rhyme while I was at Zecora's, to see how long I could last at it. It was pretty tough.

“Of course not, my friend, come inside. But please leave your cloud tethered outside.”

I glanced over to her cauldron. It wasn't usually bubbling, which meant she was working on something. “I see there is something brewing, might I ask what it is you're doing?”

“There is special magic in the fall, so I am distilling some herbs, that is all.” We talked for a moment about her potions-work (though I insisted on calling it alchemy), and I almost slipped up on my rhyming a couple times, when there came a rapid knocking on the door.

“Hi, there!” said Pinkie, as the door opened.

“Hey, Pinks, what brings you here? Something specific or...” I paused, trying to think of a rhyme.

“There's something I thought you should hear!” I guess that works. “Applejack and Rainbow Dash are having a competition, and I thought you guys might want to watch!”

“My herbs has almost finished cooking, so I'm afraid I cannot go. But there's nothing stopping you from going, Joe,” said Zecora, nodding in my direction.

“True, though I'm not usually much for sports-y things. Especially when I already know that Dash will cheat with her wings.”

“Cheat?! That's not very nice of her.”

“Nice or not, that's how it goes. And tomorrow they'll both lose by a nose!”

Pinkie looked at me quizzically. “Why are you rhyming?” she gasped. “Is it contagious? Am I going to start speaking in rhyme all the time-” she gasped again. “Oh, no! It's already starting to happen!”

Zecora and I glanced at each other, then broke down laughing. “Rhyming isn't contagious, Pinks. It's something I do when I'm visiting Zecora. It's sorta like a battle of wits or something. And I lose more often than not.”

“It would be easier for you to do, if you had a strong memory like I do,” Zecora chimed in.

“Well you cheat sometimes, rhyming words with themselves. Anywhoozle, I guess I'll go watch the rest of the 'Iron Pony Competition' Ashleigh Ball's having against herself.” I paused for a second. “Voice actor joke.” I explained quickly. I shook hooves/hands with Zecora, then followed Pinkie out the door, reattached my dark cloud to my collar and we started on our way out of the Everfree Forest.

I winced as the Ponyvillian sunlight hit my eyes before my enchanted glasses could darken into sunglasses, and waved off Pinkie's concerns. It was only a temporary pain, after all. And, hopefully, once the Running of the Leaves was finished, my allergies would go away, too.

Hopefully, my Spring allergies won't be magnified as well. I'd hate to completely exsanguinate through the nose.

It wasn't long before we reached Sweet Apple Acres and joined Trixie and Spike sitting in the grass at the edge of the competition zone. It seemed that we'd arrived just in time for the push-up competition, and they were nearing the hundreds.

I rubbed at my eyes again before squinting over at the score board. All tied up, just as I recalled. And... there we go, Dash just started using her wings.

“You know,” I commented. “It wouldn't be nearly so cheat-y if she started doing the push-ups with her wings instead of hooves, rather than flapping her wings.”

“It would still be using her wings for an unfair advantage,” replied Spike, holding the twig with a leaf on near the end between us. Ah, it seems we're back on speaking terms.

“True, but by using her wings to lift herself instead of flapping them, she'd be using the muscles differently than normal, causing greater strain.” I rubbed my eyes again. Being in the bright environment of normal Equestria was making them more irritable than while I was in the Everfree.

The competitions continued, with the long jump next. Again, I made note of how Rainbow could have used her wings in a more “fair” way. In this case, it would have been if she had given a flap as she jumped, rather than blatantly boosting herself at the last second.

Next was the... Chick Magnet bit.

“How is this even a test of athleticism?” I asked.

Spike raised a claw and opened his mouth, then closed it. Thought it over, then said, “I... have no idea.”

“Yeaaah. This one shouldn't count either way.”

Several events and snarky commentary later, Twilight announced the final event: the tug-o-war.

“So, Joe,” asked Spike, dashing over from starting the event, “how could Rainbow Dash use her wings fairly in this event?”

“Well, if she used them to fly laterally, that is, across the ground, that would give her a bit more pull without invalidating Applejack's own ability.” At that moment, AJ pulled Dash over the mud pit, and she responded by flying straight up. “However, I have a minor intervention here.”

Before I could say anything else, Applejack released the rope and shouted, “I said-! Uh, oh.” Then she fell in the mud, prompting the watchers to cheer.

But, before Rainbow Dash could put her score on the board, I pointed at her and yelled, “Hold it!” Everyone stopped cheering and looked at me. I resisted rubbing my eyes again, and continued. “This is currently a draw, as both competitors have released the rope without either end being on their side of the mud pit!”

“What?!” cried Dash, flying over to me. “I won! Applejack's in the mud!”

“You cheated! That's not winning!” retorted AJ, climbing out of said mud.

“The goal,” I said, attempting to head off an argument, “is to get the pennant in the middle of the rope on your side of the pit. Neither of you accomplished that. The mud is simply there in an attempt to humiliate the loser.”

“Not going to help any,” said Rainbow. “I've still won by a landslide.” And with that proclamation, she did a flip into the air, declaring herself the “Iron Pony,” which set off the argument anew.

“Fine,” I muttered, stalking away. “Ignore me! Blasted personal SEP Field...” Trixie got up to follow me, putting a hoof on my arm that I patted softly. “I'll be alright. It's just frustrating when I get ignored like that.”

“Does it happen often?” she asked softly.

“Not so much since I came here, but back home I had to practically shout to get someone's attention, even if I was just on the other side of the table from them. I had taken to referring to the effect as my personal Somebody Else's Problem Field. Essentially, people would tend to see me as somebody else's problem and therefore ignore me.”

“Sounds like we both have issues with being ignored.”

“Yeah, I suppose. Though in your case, there's not much chance of that.You only made two in-show appearances and you've got tons of fans. Wingshreds, you had all those fans after only one appearance.”

“Not that I would have known about them had you not come here.”

I snorted softly, “At least I don't have to worry about my greatest fear coming to pass while I'm here.” Ooh, that rhymed!

“Your greatest fear?”

“If I remember right, it's called athazagophobia. Essentially, it's the fear of being forgotten. I believe that as long as someone remembers you, you will live forever.”

“And so, if no one remembers you...” she trailed off. I slouched a bit further, staring at the ground in front of me. We walked in silence for a few minutes before reaching the house, where I went into the library and grabbed a book I could sink into for a while and forget the outside world. I'm not sure what Trixie did.

A few hours later, just after the sun began to set, there was a knock on the door. I didn't react at first, thinking Trixie would get it, but after the second knock, I got up to see who it was.

“Princess!” I gasped, before backing away and bowing her in. “What brings you here?”

“I received a message from Trixie telling me you were in a poor mood, and I have business in Ponyville tomorrow anyways,” she said.

“Thanks, but I've pretty much worked through it at this point.”

“So you say, but I can still feel some lingering resentment in your voice. Maybe another visitor would be helpful?” I snapped up in surprise at those words. Entering behind Princess Celestia was Princess Luna, still Woona-fied, but looking somewhat darker in colour, and I thought I saw a sparkle of some kind in her hair every now and then.

“Princess Luna!” I bowed lower than I had for Celestia. “An honour, Your Highness.”

“WE THANK THEE FOR THY HOSPITALITY, SIR JOSEPH,” she bellowed, rattling the windows. I winced then rubbed at my ears.

“Sister!” Celestia gasped. “We spoke of this!”

“Sorry, big sister,” she said, almost mumbling.

“Asides which,” I said, “I'm not a 'sir.' Unless being Liaison gives me that title, but I doubt it.” I closed the door behind Luna after she entered, then realized how dark the house was. “I hope you don't mind the dimness, my eyes are extra sensitive right now.”

“Extra sensitive to what?” asked Luna.

“Light. I've long been afflicted with an aversion to bright lights, but my allergy to the autumn season has magnified it greatly. It is much worse this year than it has been in the past, but I soldier on.”

“Thou dost not... enjoy light?” she sounded almost amazed by the thought.

“Not for quite some time,” I answered and busied myself filling a teapot to put on the stove. Celestia had since moved into the living room and sat on one of the couches, lighting a lamp with her magic. “I actually discovered a few years back at how much so when I learned I was mostly unable to sleep after sunset.”

“Celestia hath spoken of those who prefer the night in this age compared to... before. However, We did not realize her own appointed Liaison would be such a one.”

“I didn't exactly advertise the fact when we first met, and she appointed me not long after.” I paused for a moment. “Thou shouldst recall this, as thou were present that day.”

“Thou speakest in the old way?” she said, surprised again.

“On occasion. 'Tis not often done in this era, and I am likely not fluent. I adopt it now for thine own comfort.”

“We thank thee, Joseph McCord.” The teapot chose then to whistle.

“Please, Highness, 'Joe' will do.” I got down some of my best tasting tea and set everything on a tray and carried it out to the living room. “I am quite surprised that both thee and thy sister are here. Be there no royal duties to perform this night?” I poured out three mugs of tea (I had no dainty teacups, only mugs).

“Not tonight,” answered Celestia, taking a sip of her mug.

“We are still recovering some from Our ordeal,” answered Luna. “Though We can now administer to the night sky, it does tire Us more than We would like.”

“I asked if I could take over tonight so she could come and meet you and perhaps Trixie before she returned to Canterlot for the day.”

“Sister! Wherefore can I not stay hither with thee?!”

“You said it yourself, you're still recovering. You need all the rest you can get.”

“Any more rest and We shall truly roll out of bed at night,” muttered Luna, sipping at her own tea. I chuckled.

“I doubt thou shalt have such issues, Highness. Unless thou dost over-indulge in cake and other sweet treats.”

“Wise words, dear sister,” said Luna. “Mayhaps thou wouldst listen to your Liaison's advice.”

We all chuckled at that one, and then I'm struck by how bizarrely comfortable I am with royalty in my living room!

“Something wrong, Joe?” asked Celestia.

“Not wrong, per se. Just...” I scratched my cheek. “You are royalty. I'm just a boring little alien from another universe. And here I am having tea and joking with you.”

“Boring?” asked Luna. “When there are so many wondrous things in thy home reality? I- We have heard much of what wonders thou hast left behind such as the 'car' and the 'television.' How couldst thou be boring with that knowledge behind thee? We have read thy books, if thou dost recall.”

“They are the works of greater minds than mine. Books of mine own invention were never completed, though I started several.”

“Please, tell us more of your home world, Joe. I'm rather curious myself,” said Celestia, then she leaned over. “And you can probably drop the accent for now.”

“Very well, Your Highness.” And I spent the rest of the night speaking of the typical wonders of human culture, including descriptions of our Solar System and some of humanities great achievements, such as landing on our moon.

As four 'o'clock rolled around, Luna let out a yawn that she barely managed to cover with her hoof, which was Celestia's cue to send her back to Canterlot. I bid Celestia a good morrow (she said she could last another couple days without sleep, so I didn't have to worry about accommodating her) and headed for my room.

Just as I reached my room, I heard the kitchen door open, and a gasp of surprise as Trixie came home and found the princess in the living room. Heh.

The next afternoon, I awoke to a surprising lack of itchy-eyes. They'd been bothering me all week, so I was glad, but I expected it to continue until tomorrow at the earliest.

Not bothering to change out of my pyjamas, I headed for the living room window and looked out (It was still kinda bizarre to not see the massive old black walnut in my front yard). Odd, the leaves haven't fallen yet. I would've figured they'd start the Running of the Leaves in the morning. Trixie was already gone (I checked by knocking on her door), which meant she was probably there. I wonder what place she'll come in?

Shrugging, I got dressed and headed for White Tail Woods, where the race was meant to begin. Just as I got there, I moved to get in line (intending to just keep up with Twilight), but was curtly informed by somepony I didn't know that the race was for ponies only.

Ah, well. I then noticed the Twinkling Balloon, with Pinkie in it, descending just a few feet away, so I headed in that direction.

“Joe! You made it!” she hugged me from the basket. This was odd, considering it was still several feet above me.

“I did indeed,” I replied. “Quick question, though: Why aren't you in the Running of the Leaves?”

“Well, after I won five years in a row, they asked me to step down for a while and give somepony else a chance to win. Just as well, it's much more fun commentating.”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie?” shouted Spike from behind me.

“Hey, Spike! What's up? Oh, wait, it's me! I'm up!” Pinkie giggled.

“Uh, yeah, uh, I know you're doing the announcing today and stuff... I'm sure you're going to do a great job and all, but I was just wondering...”

“What?”

“Aw, forget it,” Spike grumbled, before starting to turn away.

“Spike, would you like to be my co-reporter? We could comment on the action together!”

“We could?” A rope descended from the balloon.

“Come on up!” Pinkie called. “Joe? How about you?”

“I'm not strong enough to climb the rope myself,” I answered. “Besides, you two can do this yourselves. I'm just going to wait by the finish line.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” They drifted into the sky and I watched them go, before heading through the crowd to find out the location of the finish line.

As I passed the starting line, however, I heard laughter before Twilight saw me.

“Joe! Tell them I'm not an egghead!”

“You seriously want me to dispute facts? I'm an egghead, too ya know. Heck, my head's actually more egg-shaped than yours!”

That got some confused looks from Twilight, Dash, and AJ, before Dash suddenyl seemed to get an idea.

“Hey, Joe! Do you know who's going to win? Me or Applejack?”

“Nothin' saying.” Though I don't know, the show never said. Twilight comes in fifth, but we never find out who won. “Just try to keep a cool head, both o' ya.” Then I walked off, looking for someone to point me to the finish line.

The race itself was pretty much unchanged from canon, with Dash and AJ tieing for last place. Turns out the first four positions were filled by Derpy, Time Turner, Roseluck, and Lily, with Twilight just barely beating out Daisy for fifth. Trixie was in tenth place, but didn't seem too upset about that.

Overhead, we could hear Pinkie's commentary as the awards were handed out, giving a blow-by-blow of the two fighting athletes, until they literally fought their way across the finish line, where they were greeted by Princess Celestia, who had been handing out the awards.

Aesop complete, AJ and Dash galloped off back into the forest, literally head-to-head.

Oh, and we had Steven's Farewell Party the next day. It was okay, since most of the conversation was between Rarity and Steven about fashion. Turns out traditional Sea Serpent food includes sushi, which I hadn't had in ages. It's amazing how he wrapped them so small with such gigantic hands, though...

Author's Note

Sorry this took so long, the chapter fought me every paragraph of the way. The Princesses popping in for a visit was so spontaneous, I didn't know it was going to happen until I wrote about the knock on the door. And I wasn't planning on having a conversation with Luna until “Best Night Ever!” But once I hit that point, it just flowed out.

As for the new episodes, Discord seems to have stolen my thing for teaching lessons (“And rob you of a valuable lesson about being a Princess? What kind of friend do you think I am?”)! That's going to make for an interesting conversation when we reach Season 4 (which probably won't happen until Season 5 :P)

Also, I'm quite certain that Pinkie is either the descendant of Loki (as per this comic) or Discord, purely because of how much non-sense she makes.

In other news, my Magic collection (of 9344 cards) is worth approximately $3,557.73 according to Star City Games. Sweet Heart of Darkness.

Next episode: You remind me of the babe. (Now let's see who can figure out what that means!)

ANNOUNCMENT: My computer is unusable (I'm using my dad's to add this). I hope to get it repaired or replaced soon (though I'll be in someone's debt to do so) and all my files transferred over. As such, I won't be able to respond to comments or anything on a reliable basis for I-don't-know-how-long. Thanks for reading and I hope I can get back to you guys soon!

Chapter 19: October 2, A Dog and Pony Show

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 19: October 2, A Dog and Pony Show

“Well, this is going to be fun,” I muttered, making sure my shield was secure. “Lost and alone. Well, except for the Diamond Dogs.”

Well, isn't that an exciting way to start the chapter? Perhaps I'll go into flashback mode for a bit, explain how I got there...

I was in town with the others, generally having a good time, when Spike came running up to us, before spouting a familiar jumble of words:

“Rarity-woods-jewels-dogs-hole-taken-SAVE HER!”

“Oh, boy,” I muttered. “Diamond Dog time.” I reached into my coat pockets and pulled out my shield and sword (Be Prepared, after all), securing them to my arm and belt, respectively.

Immediately after, we were headed off to the quarry place, following Spike's directions. I was riding on Trixie's back, since I wasn't fast enough to keep up with the lot of them when they were going full gallop.

“You know what's happening, Joe?” asked Twilight, looking back at us.

“Yeah. Rarity and Spike were digging up gems when they were ambushed by three Diamond Dogs, looking to have Rarity's gem-finding spell for themselves. Spike did his best to fight them off, but he was out-gunned, and they got her. So now we're on our way to save her.”

“And you couldn't have mentioned this earlier?” Spike groused.

“Well, I didn't know it was going to happen today. If you and/or Rarity had mentioned you were going gem hunting for Sapphire Shores or something, I'd have told you 'beware of the Diamond Dogs, they're poachers hiding in the trees' or something like that.” Having never heard the song before, I hoped I had gotten the line right.

We arrived at the quarry to find most of the ground dug up, holes everywhere. Curious, I thought. Didn't Rarity just get dragged down one big hole? Why dig more?

Regardless, I hopped off Trixie's back as everypony started scrambling for the, what I presumed to be, decoy holes, which were quickly filled in, the Diamond Dogs taunting and harassing the ponies until all that was left was one big hole no one had gone near yet. That must be the right one.

Once everypony recovered from the “fight,” Spike pulled a fishing rod and gem out of his personal hammerspace and cast a line into the depths. I kept watch of the hole itself while he daydreamed, and, once my eyes adjusted, I could see a tiny shadowy figure encounter the glinting jewel and start racing away with it.

Spike got pulled in, and caught by Applejack and she was caught by Twilight and so on until there was a chain ending in Trixie, with Pinkie and I just standing by.

Until Pinkie grabbed me around the waist and hopped in after, holding Trixie's tail.

“PIIIIIINKIIIIIIEEEEEE!” I shouted, until I was cut off by slamming into the ground. Pinkie dragged me along through the dirt, making me glad for the durability runes sown into the fabric of my coat and for the buffer of my shield, until we found ourselves over a large chasm.

Where I slipped through Pinkie's forelegs and started falling.

“Oh, this is going to hurt,” I moaned.

I woke up sometime later, back aching abominably. No, wait. EVERYTHING aching. Hopefully the fall didn't break anything. Living in Equestria for so long had apparently upped my endurance, probably the ambient magic. I lay there for a bit, waiting for the pain to die down, getting up a few minutes later with a creaking sound and some groans of discomfort before taking inventory.

“Okay, sword's still at my waist, shield's in place on my arm... Rope and grapple are still in my pocket.” Which was part of my plan to get in here when I had spent some time thinking the future over. “Along with emergency rations and writing implements. Dragonfire jar is still in my other pocket with my money and the miscellany. And... My sunglasses are shattered on the floor.” I stared at the dark caverns around me. “Well, this is going to be fun,” I muttered, making sure my shield was secure. “Lost and alone. Well, except for the Diamond Dogs.”

I kept one hand on my sword as I walked in the approximate direction the ponies had been pulled in. After a few moments of creeping along to find nothing, I started walking more normally. Sometime after that, the cave walls (with torches every few feet) began to make me think of Minecraft. Which got me attempting to whistle, then sing, InTheLittleWood's “Screw the Nether.”

After that, I wasn't alone anymore. Dig Dogs, what I called the big muscled Diamond Dogs, came pouring out of the adjoining caves, surrounding me. I instantly drew my sword and raised my shield, the dogs growling at my defensively aggressive action.

“I don't want to fight,” I said, slowly. “I'm just trying to find my way out.” Somehow, this set off one of the Dig Dogs and he leapt at me with a bark, forcing me to ward him off with a shield bash.

Which, of course, set off the rest of the horde. There was a flurry of bites and paws flying at me while I did my best to fend them off, slowly backing towards a wall to give them less avenues of attack. I kept my shield up and let my sword fly to ward off as many as I could until I thumped against the wall. There was a bitter taste in the air to match the red on my sword, and I held my sword at the ready, the horde prowling more than attacking at this point. I don't think I had killed any at this point, only cut their arms up pretty badly.

Then the paws burst out of the wall to either side of me and wrapped around my chest and arms, a slavering mouth poised above my shoulder, ready to bite. Shit! I thought, panicked, I forgot they wereburrowing creatures! Thinking quickly, I reversed my grip on my sword and stabbed backwards with a meaty thunk. There was a gasp and a gurgle as the Dog's grip on me was loosened and I almost lost hold of my sword as he slid backwards and a shiver ran through my body.

Sweet Heart of Darkness, no.

With a unified howl, the other Dig Dogs began their charge. I just tucked myself behind my shield as best I could, wincing with every slam and scrape across its metal, horrified at what I had just done. This continued for quite some time, my sleeves worn away by constant attacks until my arms were exposed and then they were held apart by the mouths of two Dogs, my shield being discarded by another.

“STOP!” cried a voice. “What you doing?” I looked up to see a dalmatian-looking Diamond Dog standing just beyond the Dig Dogs around me. There was a chorus of growls and barks from the horde. “This true?” he asked me.

“I do not know what they said, sir. I cannot understand them.”

“They say you kill-” he barked what was apparently a name “- Is true?”

“Yes. I was defending myself from their attacks, and in my attempts to keep them away, I stabbed him with my sword.” There was a chorus of responding howls and barks.

“SILENCE!” shouted the dalmatian again. “You regret this?”

“With everything I am.” There was a tense silence.

“Release him.” This was met with a series of confused whimpers and my own surprised stare. He approached me and stood me on my feet. “You are not Diamond Dog. Smell more like pony. Ponies do not kill unless they have to, and you sound same. If you not return to Diamond Dog caves ever again, you may go. But leave weapons.”

“I swear upon my honour and life, I shall not trespass upon your lands again.” I had no grip on the sword anymore, and my shield was barely hanging on, so I let it fall to the ground.

The dog nodded sharply, then commanded the Dig Dogs away. They left reluctantly, taking the... body of their comrade and my equipment with them.

“You follow Chance. Chance show you way out,” the Diamond Dog, apparently named Chance, beckoned me after him. I followed in silence, my arms hanging limply by my sides, blood flowing slowly down them.

I came out of the cave system just outside the quarry. I thanked Chance for letting me go, then trudged towards Ponyville General Hospital. Thankfully, it was on the edge of town, so I didn't frighten anypony with my haggard appearance. The doctors got me bandaged up and in a bed. I lay there for a while, coming to terms, when Trixie and the others came in, immediately moving to hug me (Apparently, a nurse was sent for Trixie, and she brought everyone else).

“I'm so sorry for dropping you, Joe!” cried Pinkie. “I didn't mean to!”

“I know, Pinks,” I said quietly. “None of you are to blame for this. I shouldn't have come.”

“Why do you say that?” asked Twilight. I looked her in the eyes and then looked down at my right hand.

“I killed a Diamond Dog,” I whispered, clenching my hand. “I was lost in their caves, they attacked me, and I fought. Until...” There was a thick silence in the room. I closed my eyes and shuddered. “If you want me to leave Ponyville, I'll talk to the Prin-”

I was cut off by a series of forelegs being wrapped around me in a massive hug.

“Never,” whispered Fluttershy. “We would never ask you to leave, Joe.”

“She's right,” said Applejack. “You didn't want to, right? Then it ain't your fault.”

“But it is!” I protested. “This isn't like the Parasprites. He was a thinking being, and I ended him.”

“I'm the one who taught you how to use that sword of yours,” Trixie said. “Therefore, some of the blame should be mine as well.”

“No,” I said. “The weight of his life is fully on my shoulders. And though I feel guilty and will never forget it, I know that, in time, I won't be beating myself up so much, and can move on. I'll just need more hugs for a while.” My ribs creaked as everypony obliged me.

I had a follow-up report to send to the Princess later that night, but, until then, I'd just bask in the love of my friends.

Author's Note

I AM RETURNED! Yes, yes, short chapter, but at least I'm back, right (I'm not a good enough writer to make getting lost in a maze of a cave exciting)? This should've been up weeks ago, but the universe was apparently conspiring against me.

Next episode: A visit from the Princess and her pet.

Chapter 20: October 9, A Bird in the Hoof

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 20: October 9, A Bird in the Hoof

I stretched and stifled a yawn as Trixie and I headed for Sugarcube Corner. I had woken a few hours early to make sure I could get to the Princess's party on time.

The night before, in my weekly report, I made sure to tell Princess Celestia about Fluttershy's attempt to heal Philomena on her Burning Day. Trixie also knew, but I made sure not to mention it to anyone else.

The Royal Guards stood in position at the door of Sugarcube Corner and I nodded to them as we passed. Inside, Princess Celestia and the Mane Six other than Fluttershy were already present, along with a few other citizens of Ponyville that were, essentially, high in society. The food was still being brought out (Pinkie was helping), and Rarity was proudly showing off her dress to anyone who would listen. Applejack sat a, supposedly, respectful distance from the Princess, her hat hanging from the back of her chair, while Dash was happily regaling the Princess with her athletic achievements.

“Oh, good, you're here,” said Twilight, who had been pacing by the door. “Now we just need Fluttershy to get here and I can properly introduce everyone to the Princess!” Her mane was in order, so she wasn't gearing up for a breakdown, but she still looked pretty frazzled.

“Calm down, Twi,” I said, shaking my head slightly. “She's met us before, you know.”

“I-I know, but not in the capacity of you guys as my friends. I just hope she approves.” By this time, Trixie had left us, moving along to the head table and pouring herself a cup of tea.

“I'm sure she does-slash-will. The interesting question is: does your family approve of us?”

“Oh, uh...”

“Been forgetting to write them?”

“Kinda, yeah. I've been so caught up in my friends... I should write them after our luncheon is done.”

“You do that. In the meantime, I'm gonna talk with Princess Celestia.” I stepped away from the door and approached the head table, sitting to the Princess's left. There weren't any chairs, so I would be sitting on the floor, the table at neck height. Nevermind, I'll stand.

“How has Ponyville been treating you, Joe?” asked the Princess.

“It's been a calming week. I think the next book I transcribe will have more comedy to it, though.” I rubbed my arm, feeling the scars under my coat.

I had yet to order new weapons.

The Princess put a hoof on my hand. “I understand. I've had to do something similar in the past, and it never gets any easier.”

“If it does, then we should worry.”

Princess Celestia looked mildly surprised, but nodded. “You've heard this lesson before?”

“It comes up a lot in various Naruto fanfics. Er-”

“No need to go into detail, you can write about it later.”

“Alright.” By now the food was all on the table, Fluttershy was at the door, and Rarity was worrying about food stains.

I browsed the table with a wary eye, looking for something I wouldn't mind eating. It was tough to find something I liked at a Pony gathering, considering my favourite foods tended to have meat in them. I did eat a salad on occasion, but I didn't care for the tastelessness. Once I found something, I just picked it up and started eating it. I knew that while Rarity would demand proper etiquette be observed, Princess Celestia was a bit more laid back and willing to let things slide.

At the very least, this let Applejack not worry about eating things in the right order in this version of things, and she dug in herself.

“You gonna eat that?” cried Pinkie, leaping onto the table in front of Celestia before nomming a cupcake off the plate in front of her. Then she was quickly yanked away by Mrs. Cake.

“A thousand pardons, your highness,” Mr. Cake said, genuflecting.

“It's quite alright,” replied Celestia, smiling at Pinkie's antics, “thank you.” She sipped her tea. Well, I say sipped, but the tea cup was emptied in that sip. Something Mrs. Cake noticed immediately. After a series of instant refills, Princess Celestia smirked to herself and pretended to take a sip, making the cup overflow.

“And thus began the legend of Trollestia,” I said, semi-ominously.

“'Trollestia?'” asked the Princess.

“Ah, back on Earth, people who play pranks in, usually, mean-spirited ways are known as Trolls. Some do it just to annoy people, some do it because the people they're pranking can laugh with them. But that little scene there, combined with the 'two tickets for six ponies' thing way back when, created the fanon theory that you were a massive troll who played pranks on the entirety of Equestria.”

“I do have fun with pranks, but Luna had the Element of Laughter and was more inclined to play them. Oh, the times we had at the old castle...” She shifted slightly, and I had a feeling she was looking in the direction of said old castle, reminiscing about days gone by. After a moment she shook herself out of it, noticing that Fluttershy had sat down beside her.

I was then treated to Fluttershy's introduction to Philomena, who looked a right mess. As I was about to make a comment about what I was going to be writing next (as seeing Philomina made me think of Harry Potter's Fawkes), a guard approached and whispered in the Princess's ear.

“I'm sorry, everypony,” Celestia announced, standing. “I'm afraid I have to cut the party short. The mayor has requested an audience with me. Royal duty calls. Thank you for a wonderful time. It's been a joy getting to know you all better.” Just before she left, she looked me in the eyes before flicking them in the direction of the door.

I'm guessing that means she wants me to follow her. Just after we exited, she looked around and guided me to a slightly more secluded area, setting the guards to watch before she turned to me.

“What is it, Your Highness?”

“I just received word that there was a break-in at the castle. Do you-”

“What?” I hissed. “A break-in? How? Who?”

She blinked and rocked back slightly. “You have no knowledge of this event?”

“The only thing I know of that was supposed to happen today was Fluttershy attempting to heal a Phoenix on its Burning Day,” I rubbed my beard in thought. “I have read enough that I may be able to figure something out, though. What do we know?”

“Curiously, the only evidence of the break-in was the doors to the throne room and the archives had been unlocked and left open, and there were several newspapers missing from said archives.”

“That's an odd thing to take... It's like whomever it was had been out of touch and needed to look something up. But that doesn't explain the throne room being open.”

Princess Celestia looked pensive, staring vaguely off into the empty space to my left. Her mouth moved, but the only thing I could make out was something like “-ouldn't ee.” Most likely “couldn't be.”

“You know something?”

“I have a suspicion, but nothing concrete. A... Former apprentice of mine. I must consult with the guards upon my return and see if they can confirm it.”

“Will you let me know if you discover anything?”

“Of course. Now, I should probably actually meet with Mayor Mare. Would you like to accompany me? Perhaps you can tell me more about how your world sees ours. Or at least how they see me.”

“Well, let's see, there's a few different 'versions' of you, so to speak, there's Trollestia, like I mentioned, Tyrantlestia, which made all your punishments for any transgression petrification or moon-banishment, and the rare Cutelestia pics...” I trailed off, thinking, before I muttered, “Is that really all of them?” Not going to talk about Molestia. I shrugged to myself. “Well, those are the main ones I know about other than your canon-self, though there could be others I just don't know about. Oh! Pinklestia!”

“Pinklestia?” she asked.

“In an attempt to appeal to stereotypes, the first Princess Celestia toy Hasbro released was pink instead of white. Even the little girls they were attempting to sell it to thought that was a stupid idea. They were eventually going to release a properly coloured version eventually, but I never saw it. Might've just been Ionia's Wal-Mart or Meijer never got it.”

“And that's how I'm seen?”

“Not just you, Luna's got similar depictions in certain places, with different names of course, but my favourite version of her is called 'Gamer Luna.' Because of a future event, and the art of a fellow named John Joseco.”

As we walked she asked for more pertinent details of the various depictions, which had me summarizing the “To the MOON” video (from what I could tell, the guards were scandalized. Celestia laughed, especially since I left out the ending involving Luna) as well as a couple other Herd in-jokes. By the time we reached the Mayor's office, she was almost constantly giggling.

I didn't think “King Sombrero” was that funny.

Regardless, we parted ways at Town Hall, and she promised to get in contact with me if she had any additional evidence of the break-in, just in case I could come to a different conclusion than her. I went to the library to pay Twi for a casting of the memory spell so I could start transcribing the Harry Potter series (and as much as I'd like to, I wasn't going to tweak Half-Blood Prince) to find that she wasn't there.

Which meant that she was either still at the function that was wrapping up, or she was on her way to Fluttershy's, where she'd discover the ill Philomena. I wondered briefly if she'd ask me for assistance in finding the phoenix. Either way, I helped Spike out with a couple chores and asked if he'd come to the first session for my Active Exploits campaign next weekend.

So far, my only players were Pinkie, Trixie, and Dashie. Er, Dash. And I wanted four players. As it was it was going to be an interesting party, as Pinkie wanted to play a Hobbit, Trixie's character was going to be human, and Dash was basically going to be playing herself. Spike agreed and we chatted for the next half-hour about what kind of character he wanted to play, and, well, that was about it until Twilight burst in, scoured the room, then dashed back out.

“What was that all about?” asked Spike.

“She's looking for Philomena,” I replied. “Princess Celestia's pet phoenix. She's on her burning day, so she looks really sickly. Fluttershy being who she is, took Philomena home and tried to nurse her back to health, and now Philomena's escaped.”

“And because Twilight's such an alarmist, she's panicking about the missing pet.”

“Exactly. Whelp, I'm-a gonna go meet them by the fountain in town square, you coming with?”

“Nah, I'm going to take advantage of your help and take a nap. Or work on my character some.”

“Whatever boats your float.” I waved as I headed out the door. I reached the fountain before Twilight did, though everypony else was there already, and Pinkie started talking my ear off about how much fun she had at the Princess's “party.” Not even a minute later, I saw a small, pinkish shape zip by, followed by Fluttershy and Twilight mare-handling the others as they looked for Philomena.

Sorry about the pun.

And you know how that song and dance goes: Philomena bursts into flames, Twilight and Fluttershy try to take each others' blame, etcetera and so forth.

Just as I started to wonder when even the episodes were starting to become – I think “trite” is the right word – I could feel the scars on my arms begin to itch.

All I could think of was to hope the itching wasn't a warning of something dire up ahead.

Author's Note

Another short chapter, but there wasn't much padding I could do with resorting to copypasta or boring you guys with stuff you either already know or could look up easily enough.

By the way, let me know if you spot any typos. I'm trying to do my best to keep them out, but when I go back and re-read what I've written, I find a few here and there.

Next episode will be a mostly-original chapter, but it will have the title of an actual episode because it will overlap with the episode slightly. Spike gets worried when Twilight doesn't make it home on time from a trip to Zecora's...

Chapter 21: October 16/17, Stare Master+

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 21: October 16/17, Stare Master+

It was finally time to run my second ever gaming session (the first didn't go very well because I was simply re-hashing the plot of Scenario 000 from Dissidia 012 Duodecim: Final Fantasy). We gathered at Golden Oaks Library. I wasn't entirely certain why we were gaming there rather than my house, but it seemed oddly right to me.

The five of us gathered in a side room so as not to disturb any potential book-borrowers and I began my opening spiel:

“Alright, over the past few weeks we've made your characters and given them pretty solid backgrounds. As you all know, I asked each of you to make the latest point in their backgrounds something exceptionally emotional to them. The reason for this is simple: at the high point of this event, your characters disappear from everything they've ever known, and find themselves in a strange place with three strangers,” I smiled sinisterly. “Begin.”

Immediately, Pinkie jumped into character, “'No! How could they?! Sharkey's men will pay for this!'”

Spike and Trixie began to reply simultaneously:

(Spike) “I jump to my feet and draw my hammer!”
(Trixie) “I look around in panic. This isn't my laboratory!”

Dash looked a bit shocked for a moment before adding in her own character's response, “What the hay are you guys? And where am I?!”

Pinkie continued to pretend cry as Spike responded, “I lift my hammer and face the speaker. 'I am Darrin Skyhammer, Dwarven Paragon of Orzammar. What be you?'”

“'Name's Prism Wing,” Dash retorted, “Pegasus captain of the Wonderbolts. Wh-”

Trixie interrupted her with a raised hoof, “'I demand to know where we are! And will you stop that crying?!'”

Pinkie gasped, “I scramble back from the others and cry out 'Big folk! I will avenge my wife!'”

“'Hold!'” replied Spike. “'I know not of what you speak. Calm yourself, young human-'”

“'I'm not a human, whatever that is, I'm a Hobbit!'”

“'What in the world is a Hobbit?'” asked Trixie.

“'Silence!'” shouted Spike. “And I slam my hammer onto the ground.”

“Your hammer strikes the ground with a resounding crack, punching a hole in the rock and cracking it for several feet around the four of you.”

Everyone glanced at each other, then Trixie gestured for Spike to continue.

He nodded, “'Now, I know not where we are and I believe that none of you know either, correct?'” There was a round of nods. “'As we all seem here against our will together, I suggest we introduce ourselves. I am Darrin Skyhammer, Dwarven Paragon of Orzammar in Ferelden. The last thing I recall before my arrival was when they named me Paragon.' I then point at the human and tell her to go next.”

Trixie cleared her throat, “'I am Dawn Starre, Arcane Researcher for the Imperial Magic Academy of Archadia. The last thing I recall was making a breakthrough on a spell that had stymied several other mages before me.'”

Spike nodded, then gestured to Dash.

“'Like I said before, my name is Prism Wing, I'm from Equestria. Last thing I knew I had just managed to pull off a Sonic Rainboom while practicing for a show. A feat nopony's done in ages!'”

Pinkie took it upon herself to begin, “'M-my name's P-P-P-Peregrin P-P-P-Proudfoot, of-of the Shire, Middle-Earth. An-And my wife was just killed by Sharkey's men because I wouldn't pay him tribute!'”

“'Monstrous,'” intoned Spike. He was really getting into it. “'Should we return to our homes, I shall assist in you righteous vengeance. For now, however, we should find out where we are.' I look around.”

Finally.

“The ground around you is entirely made out of smoothed stone, making the high-noon sun beating down on you almost unbearably hot, and in the distance you can see several rusted, crumbling spires dotting the landscape. There are only two unusual things you can see from here, one is a distant yellow building, while the other is what looks to be a long-dead giant tree.”

“'Perhaps we can get some information on where we are from that building over there?'” said Spike.

“'Hang on,'” said Rainbow, “'I'll go take a look.' Then I fly off to scout out the building.”

“The building is fairly large, and you can see several creatures similar to Dawn milling around inside.”

“I think I'll check out the tree, too.”

“As noted before, the tree is dead and very large. It doesn't seem to look like any tree you've seen before, either. Near the roots, though, you can see a large gap with a path coming out of it.”

Trixie raised a hoof. “While she's doing that, I'm going to scan the area with my magic. I'll put in one point of Effort from my Blue Magic.”

“The area has traces of blue mana left in the air, but only traces. There's a taste of red, but it seems almost coincidental, the only mana truly left being almost colourless.”

“And the stone?” asked Spike.

“The stone is smooth as river rocks, save where your hammer impacted. However, there doesn't seem to be any water here for miles.”

“I'll come back and tell everyone what I've found,” said Rainbow. They discussed things for a while, and though Pinkie, or, rather, Peregrin, wanted to investigate the path below the tree, they opted for the building in the distance.

“Upon arriving at the building, you are greeted by a young man with yellow hair and bright green eyes, which, upon closer inspection, have swirls instead of normal pupils. 'Greetings, I am Rin the fifth, and welcome to my family's Travel Agency. We do not often get visitors these days.'”

Spike glanced at the others before speaking, “I introduce us and ask him where we are, since we seem to be lost.”

“He says he finds it odd that you wouldn't recognize the Thunder Plains, but says it's only fair because he doesn't recognize what Prism is, then he invites you inside to use a map.”

“Does anywhere on the map look familiar?” asked Trixie.

“No. Nothing on the map looks like anything any of you have seen before.”

“'Mr. Rin?'” said Pinkie. “'I've never heard of any of these places.'”

“'Really?' he replies. 'Most unusual. The best advice I can give you is to travel to Luca. There you might find someone who can help.' He points out the city on the map and advises you on the fastest way to get there, by going south through Old Guadosalam..”

“I thank him for his help and go out the door,” said Spike.

Trixie raised an eyebrow and added, “I ask him which way is south.”

“He informs you that south is the direction of the giant tree.” Everyone nodded and I skipped us ahead to the roots of the tree, where “Just as you approach the entrance, you hear a shattering sound and three creatures appear before you. One looks like a large, cracked suit of armour holding a massive club, while the other two are groups of floating orbs, each coloured a sort of golden-red. They appear to be hostile.”

“The orbs look pretty hard to hit, right?” asked Spike.

“Right. They look like they're barely holding formation as it is.”

“I'll take my hammer and charge the big guy, and I'll put an Effort into acting first and two into my attack.”

I nodded, made a note, and turned to Trixie, who said “I'll throw a bolt of lightning at one of the orbs, one Red Magic Effort.” I suppressed a smirk and noted that.

“I'm going to hide behind the big folk,” said Pinkie. “I don't have much in the way of fighting skills.” I nodded, and looked at Dash.

“I'll charge the big guy, too, but I'll go through one of the orb groups on the way. Two Effort into the attack, and two on going first.” Spike shot a look at Dash, but shrugged.

“One thing, which group of orbs are either of you aiming at?” I asked. “Right or left?” Without any consultation, they chose different Lightning Elementals. “Okay. Prism flies through her group of orbs so fast that they barely have time to react and half the orbs break apart and turn into little wisps of light and float away, the other half bunches a little closer together to compensate. She then smacks into the armour, but because you attacked two things at once, the damage is lessened and it only staggers back a few steps as the cracks on its chest get bigger.

“Darrin charges forward afterwards, and with a mighty crash his hammer breaks into the weakened armour and reveals that there's nothing inside before it collapses to the ground and fades away like the orbs did.

“Peregrin hides himself behind Dawn's legs as she throws off a lightning bolt, which, upon hitting the enemy...” I took a deep breath through my nose and smirked. “Strengthens it, making the red in it fade slightly and the orbs fly in a tighter formation.”

“What?” gasped Trixie.

Pinkie shot upright from where she was pretending to cower (Wow, she's really going overboard. But I guess that's Pinkie.), and gasped “'Miss Starre! Remember what Mister Rin said? This place is called the Thunder Plains!'” Trixie face-hoofed.

“The remaining monsters spin a little to build a charge, then shoot lightning at Darrin and Prism, the weakened one going after Prism. Because of it's weakened state and a Pegasus' natural lightning resistance, you don't take any damage. However, Darrin gets hit for two points of injury.” Spike winced and made note of it on his character sheet.

Next turn, Dash flew through the same swarm while Spike attempted to strike the stronger one, with mixed results. Pinkie put some Effort from her Reasoning and Creativity about what to do, which I passed on to Trixie, who used a Blue Magic Effort to unravel the magic sustaining them slightly. This continued for a couple more turns, until they stood slightly battered, but victorious. They seemed mildly confused, though, when I mentioned three piles of coins on the ground where the monsters used to be.

They entered Old Guadosalam, which was a medium-small area of mostly-empty pathways. After having Peregrin/Pinkie talk to one of the three people milling about taking pictures, they were directed to a device called a Save Sphere, which was supposed to heal them up when they touched it. Refreshed, they continued on their way, finding themselves at a river. Following the path, they came to a port-like place for the river, with two boats docked to it, and one large, blue creature next to a crane.

After a bit more discussion with the locals, they decided that none of them wanted to try the strange-looking boats, so they approached the big, blue thing. I smiled.

“'Ride zhe Shoo-puf?'” I said, with my best Hypello accent. “Looking to the source of the voice, you see a squat, blue human-frog-looking thing that's approaching your group.”

“'If that's what this big guy is called, yes,'” said Pinkie. She was quickly becoming the Face of the group.

“'Wonderful,' chirps the creature. 'ALL ABOARDSH!' and he directs you into the basket of the crane, which is deposited on the back of the Shoopuf and it starts wading across the river.” After chatting amongst themselves in-character, they reached the other side of the river and continued walking to the Djose Highroad. There, with persuasion and the Gil they had won from the Thunder Plains fiends, they rented a hovercar that took them to Mushroom Rock Road.

Since most of their characters came from a low-technology setting, they acted leery about getting in, until Dawn mentioned similar devices in her home city, even though they were designed rather differently. With some assistance from Prism's flight and Dawn's Blue Magic, they safely navigated Mushroom Rock Road, and entered the Mi'ihen Highroad.

“After walking a few minutes, you find yourselves staring at a blue version of the Travel Agency you visited in the Thunder Plains. In a pen to one side are several giant yellow birds and standing by the door is a very familiar-looking figure.” I smirked. “It's Rin.”

“What?” shouted Dash. “How'd he beat us here? I go up and demand an answer.”

“He says that he used the teleport function of the Save Sphere in the Thunder Plains Travel Agency, and adds that it wouldn't have helped you because it can only take you to another Save Sphere you've touched or an airship.”

“'So now that we've touched the Sphere at Old Guadosalam, we can use any other to go there again?'” asked Trixie, in-character.

“'Indeed,' he replies. 'And since you're here, might I interest you in renting one of our Chocobos?' He indicates the yellow birds. 'It would be much faster than walking.'”

“'I'm afraid we don't have much money, Mr. Rin,'” said Pinkie.

“'Well, there is something you can do for me in lieu of payment. You see, it is almost time for the Chocobo Eater to return, and obviously it wouldn't be good for it to attack.'”

“'So you want us to fight the thing off,'” said Dash.

“'That is so.'” Before I could continue I suddenly noticed Spike glancing worriedly at the clock, then out the window, where it was rather dark out. “Spike? Is something wrong?”

“Oh, uh, sorry,” he answered, blushing lightly. “It's just, Twilight should've been home by now, and I haven't heard the door close yet.”

“Where was she going?” asked Trixie.

“She said she wanted to visit Zecora's for a while and get some of her favourite tea-”

I shot out of my seat. “Wingshreds! Stare Master is tonight?”

“W-what?”

“Argh! There's a cockatrice in the Everfree, and Twilight's probably run into it by now!”

“A cockatrice?” gasped Trixie.

I put a hand over my heart and tried to calm down. “I almost forgot, somehow, that everything turns out okay. Fluttershy finds her and manages to Stare the cockatrice into turning Twilight back to normal.”

“Even so, we shouldn't let Fluttershy go into the forest without her knowing.”

“She'll find petrified Twilight before meeting the cockatrice. It'll be okay. Kinda wish I knew she was going so I could pass a warning to her.”

“Sure we can't go and help?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Pretty sure. Fluttershy's Stare is good against everything. Well, almost everything. Doesn't work on spirits.”

“I'm afraid the game's been de-railed, though,” said Trixie. I bit my lip and nodded.

“We'll just have to pick this up again some other time. I'll make a note as to where we were.”

As the group broke up, I kept glancing in the direction of the forest. “Non-interference can be such a pain,” I muttered. “Why can't time go faster!”

Trixie and I headed home, but I couldn't stop fidgeting with my notes and looking at the Everfree Forest. If only there was some way to know how far things had gotten without breaking continuity! ...Wait.

“Trixie. I need to see how things are going. Make us invisible.”

“I was waiting to see what you would do.” And with a tingle of magic, I couldn't see Trixie anymore, and, I knew, she couldn't see me. Which made it rather odd to ride her to Fluttershy's cottage, since it looked to me like I was just floating above the ground.

When we arrived, I direct Trixie through whispers towards the chicken coop. Depending on the tracks in the dirt would tell me how things were going. Or, now that I saw it, the scrap of Crusader cape on the fence answers my question.

“Okay,” I whispered. “Looks like everything's according to schedule. I don't know if Fluttershy's left yet, though.”

“Should we go in and check?” she whispered back.

“Let me just look in the window. If she's on the couch, then she hasn't noticed the Crusaders have left yet. If she's not, then we can go get Spike and wait for everyone here.”

“She's not there. I'll go get Spike myself.”

“Thanks Pinkie...” I slipped off Trixie's back in surprise. “Pinkie? How did you...?”

“Well, I heard you coming this way, so I followed you. Then I went to see if Fluttershy was home while you came out here.”

I sighed. “Whatever. Yeah, go get Spike.” She nodded and zipped off. “Might need a sound-dampening spell in addition to the invisibility next time.”

“Good idea,” answered Trixie, mystified.

When Twilight, Fluttershy, and the Crusaders made it out of the forest, we were all there to greet them, Spike practically hugging the metaphorical stuffing out of Twilight. Scootaloo was ecstatic to see Dash was worried about her, but tried to play it cool (not very successfully, I might add).

I shivered. It was getting cold.

Winter was coming soon.

Author's Note

Huzzah! New chapter! Not much to add to these notes other than the fact that I got caught up in something again, namely watching Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann again.

Oh, and being part of our community theatre production of Fiddler on the Roof.

Next Time: yay.

EDIT: Just a minor one. I changed Spike's Dwarf from a "knight" to a "Paragon."

Chapter 22: October 21, Sonic Rainboom

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 22: October 21, Sonic Rainboom

Despite considering myself short, especially in comparison to my Dad (who is literally a head taller than me), In the world of Equestria, I am one of the tallest sapient creatures. As such, I have occasionally been used to reach places difficult for a pony to reach without wings, magic, a ladder, or Pinkie Pie.

Considering we were only missing the wings, I continued to question my presence re-shelving the books at the library.

“It's not to say that I don't mind helping,” I rambled. “But I know you and Rarity have mass precision telekinesis with your magic.”

“We know, dear, you've been going on about it for the past ten minutes,” Rarity tutted, carefully lifting a book before delicately setting it on an empty shelf. “Which, frankly, is more talking than we usually hear from you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I was all set to bring the Chronicles of Amber to Equestria, and I got shanghaied into this.” I paused, then mumbled to myself. “Hmm. I wonder what the origin of that is... Shanghai is the name of a city, but what's that got to do with being coerced into things?”

Despite my back being turned on most of the ponies in the room, I knew they were rolling their eyes (except for Pinkie). I shrugged and put the next book in my arms onto a high shelf. Between the seven of us (Me, Twilight, Trixie, Rarity, Pinkie, Spike, and AJ) we got the books all organized and shelved about five minutes after that.

“Thanks for the help, everyone,” said Twilight. “It was a crazy week of studying. Wish Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy could've been here, too.”

“Many hands make for light work,” I said, sagely. I then thought upon the familiarity of the circumstances, but came to no conclusion.

My mind was a bit jumbled from the job. I had to be hit a couple times to stop reading and get back to work.

“...Right. Anyways, I a-” Twilight was interrupted by a scream in a familiar voice. I looked towards the source, and, the next thing I knew, I was in pain and covered in books.

Shakily, I raised a hand from under the pile, pointed into the air, then moaned as I slowly let it drop back onto the pile.

Everything became clear when I heard a muffled “Rainbow Dash, you rock! Woohoo.” from Fluttershy.

Joy. I really have to not interfere in this one. While I wouldn't mind taking Rarity's place as wing-spell-guinea-pig (though I'd much rather have bat wings than butterfly wings) so I could see what flying felt like, I had to uphold my vow against interfering in the timeline. Plus, I don't think I could survive being caught at mach ten. Though Dash's own magic might have something to do with how Rarity survived. Still.

Really hope they can forgive me for this one. I sat up, books sliding off me, and looked at Dash in the middle of what she was saying.

“I'm not talking about my performance, I'm talking about yours. That feeble cheering!”

“Oh, yes, because asking Fluttershy to cheer loudly isn't going to be an exercise in frustration.” I said. I felt a hoof on my shoulder as Trixie helped me stand. Dash rolled her eyes and sighed.

“I just wish you guys could come to Cloudsdale to see me compete in the Best Young Flyer Competition.”

“What's that?” asked Twilight.

Pinkie hopped in place, “It's where all the greatest pegasus flyers get together and show off their different flying styles! Some are fast!” She zipped around the room. “And some are graceful.” She posed for a second before unbalancing and falling into a pile of books with a small cry.

“Golly. I'd love to see ya strut yer stuff in that competition,” said AJ.

“Yeah,” Dash sighed again. “I wish you guys could be there. Fluttershy's a great support, but her cheering isn't exactly inspirational.”

“Depends on who you ask,” I said. “There's a song made almost entirely out of Fluttershy's voice that makes me smile every time I hear it.”

“Ooh!” gasped Pinkie, popping out of the books, “I'd love to see you make a sonic rainboom! It's like, the most coolest thing ever! Even though I've never actually seen it, but I mean COME ON! It's a sonic rainboom! How not cool could it possibly not be?!”

Mustn't allude to the Cutie Mark Chronicles. They'll figure it out then.

“What's a sonic rainboom?” asked Twilight.

“It's what happens when a pegasus manges to break the sound barrier in a fashion that simultaneously shatters the visible light spectrum.,” I explained.

“Huh?” asked Trixie and Pinkie.

“She goes really fast and makes a rainbow explosion.”

“Oh.”

“And Rainbow Dash is the only one that's ever pulled it off!” said Applejack.

Dash blushed slightly before replying, “That was a long time ago... I was just a filly.”

Curious. Here I thought Dash would be bragging about how she had done it once.

“But you're going to do it again, right?” asked Pinkie, bouncing in place.

“Are- are you kidding? I'm the greatest flyer to ever come out of Cloudsdale! I could do Sonic Rainbooms in my sleep!”

Twilight let out a short laugh, “You do that and you'll definitely take the crown!”

“The grand prize is an entire day with the Wonderbolts! A whole day of flying with my life-long heroes... It'll be a dream come true!”

“yay,” cheered Fluttershy. I smiled.

“I'm gonna go rest up. Don't wanna over prepare myself, y'know. Hehe.” Dash turned to Fluttershy, still in the window. “YOU, on the other hand, better keep practicing. I need a cheering section to match my spectacular performance.” She then walked out the door.

Fluttershy looked after her, then turned to us. “She's practiced that move a hundred times, and she's never even come close to doing it. I don't know if I can cheer loud enough to help her.”

“I'm pretty sure she's far enough out of earshot for me to mention that she does manage it,” I said. “But I can't say any more without potentially making bad stuff happen.”

Everypony nodded, then Fluttershy turned and flew off.

“Well, guess we better get this cleaned up... Again.” Twilight sighed.

“Why has nopony developed a sorting spell already? Laziness is the grandmother of invention!” That got me a few odd looks before they once again chalked it up to “strange things Joe says.”

“Go on, dear,” Rarity said, prodding Twilight with a hoof.

“Go on, what?” Twilight looked quizzically back.

“Find a spell that will let us wingless creatures go to Cloudsdale! Didn't you see how nervous she was?”

Applejack snorted, “Nervous? Have you spit your bit or somethin'? She was tootin' her own horn louder then the brass section of a marching band!”

“You helped.” I pointed out. “Also, that's an odd turn of phrase, considering I've never seen an Equestrian pony wear a bit.”

“And I have seen more than enough fashion shows to recognize stage fright when I see it. We've got to find a way to be there for her!”

“But Joe just said-” started Applejack.

“We should be there.” I said, firmly. “If only because I want to see it in person instead of on a screen.”

Twilight glanced around the room. “But, how am I supposed to find a flight spell in this mess?”

Pinkie perked up, “A flight spell? One sec.” She blurred and came back to Twilight with a book. “Page twenty-seven.”

Applejack looked at her askance. “How'd you do that?”

“Aside from 'she's Pinkie Pie?'” I snarked.

“It landed on my face when Rainbow Dash knocked me into the bookcase.”

“Here it is!” interrupted Twilight. “A spell that will let Earth and Unicorn ponies fly for three days. It looks really difficult. I'm not sure I can do it.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow, “You're the Element of Magic. I'm pretty sure you can do just about any spell you set your horn to.”

Twilight took a deep breath and looked at us. “Okay. But who's going to be the test subject?” There was a pause.

“I will!” said Rarity. “For Rainbow Dash, I will go first.”

“All right... Here goes...” said Twilight. She glanced over the spell before closing her eyes in concentration.

Rarity stood on the pile of books with her eyes closed as the magic took shape around her, raising her off the ground. Just before it fully surrounded her she looked out at us, and when I smiled and nodded, she closed her eyes again.

With a last grunt of effort and a flash of light, the spell completed, depositing Rarity back on the book pile with her new butterfly glimmerwings.

Twilight grinned and wiped some sweat off her brow. “I think it worked.”

“New question,” I said. “When's the competition?”

Turns out the competition was that evening, and, as canon, Twilight decided to cast a cloud-walking spell instead. I was actually starting to get used to the tingling feeling enchantments gave me, and I made sure the spell was also affecting my clothes, and we all piled into the Twinkling Balloon to head for Cloudsdale.

The balloon, it turns out, was Pinkie's instead of Twilight's, even though the show opener and the toys seemed to attribute it to Twilight. The trip was kind nice, though I had to sit down in the basket for a while to keep vertigo from making it feel like I was going to tip out of it at any moment.

The basket was space-bendingly roomy. I just chalked it up to Pinkie having connections, considering she knows everybody in Ponyville. I guess it also helped that Rarity was flying alongside us, though she had a few sudden stops here and there while getting used to her new wings. Personally, I'm surprised Rarity doesn't have/develop acrophobia from falling so often in the series. But I should be able to stymie the Spikezilla and Wonderbolt Academy events, preventing such a thing.

I shivered slightly as we neared the cloud city (and that just makes me think of Star Wars), thankful I was already wearing one of my thicker coats. According to the weather schedule, Ponyville's ambient temperature was supposed to be around sixty degrees, which meant it was inevitable for me to start shivering on the way to Cloudsdale.

I hate the cold.

Fortunately, Trixie noticed my discomfort and sat beside me, warming me up some. I really hope that spell works and is developed quickly.

Maybe... Maybe I could date her anyways. It's not like I kiss or anything on the first date. I smiled to myself and whispered, “sounds like a plan.”

“What was that?” she asked.

“I'll tell you later.” She looked at me for a moment, then shrugged and we continued watching the clouds go by.

“Cloudsdale ho!” cried Pinkie. Trixie and I stood up, and I marvelled at the sight. I'd never really seen much famous architecture other than Disney World and Mount Rushmore, but I felt like comparing it to a grand cathedral with a Greek theme (considering the Spartan appearance of Old Pegasopolis, this was to be expected) and rainbows.

I decided, then and there, that I was going to also try liquid rainbow. It might be too spicy for Pinkie, but that was oddly part of the appeal. I also decided to mention Skittles and Zap Apple Jam when Dash claims that rainbows aren't known for their flavour.

Rarity spotted Rainbow Dash easily, and we landed right behind her as 'Shy and Dash.

“I-I can't believe it!” cried Dash.

“It's incredible!” whispered Fluttershy.

“This is so cool! I can't believe you guys made it!”

“Of course we did. We're your friends, and friends are always there for each other.” Though I said that normally, I thought it in Digmon: the Movie-Terriermon's voice. I swung one leg over the basket and tested my weight on the cloud. It not only held, but felt like plush carpet, even to my hands. “Huh. This feels more like cotton than fog. Doesn't even feel wet.”

“How? Only pegasus ponies can walk on clouds!” asked Dash.

“I found a spell that makes temporary wings,” explained Twilight, “but it was too exhausting to cast more than once, so I found an easier spell that let the rest of us walk on clouds.”

“And we came to cheer you to victory!” added Applejack.

“...To be honest, I was starting to get just the teeniest, tiniest bit nervous. But I feel a LOT better now that you guys are here. Hey, we've got some time before the competition. Why don't Fluttershy and I show you around Cloudsdale?”

“Yeah!” cheered Pinkie, Twi, AJ, and Rarity, as Trixie nodded and I said “Lead on.”

We started our tour with the spot we had landed, which was apparently the street where Dash grew up. I had to keep from cheering/squeeing from finding out that her mom was actually Firefly. Her dad's name was Rainbow Blitz (I had to refrain from mentioning that that's what we named Rule 63 Dash).

It was difficult to keep myself from fangasming the whole visit. I didn't want to embarrass Dash in front of her parents. I really wish I remembered the opening theme of Firefly, I'd've sung it.

Regardless, our next stop was the weather factory. On the way, a lot of Pegasi were distracted by both me (because they didn't know what I was) and by Rarity's wings. I was doing my best to follow the Doctor's method of just looking like you belong and no one will care, but it didn't seem to be working out.

The first place we visited in the weather factory was the snow-smithy, which got me shivering further than just being in the sky was. The expected disaster with Rarity's wings occurred, which of course made it even colder than before.

Sorry if I'm complaining too much.

“We better move on before Rarity ruins winter and causes a drought.”

“Actually, can I have that happen?” I asked. Everypony gave me a flat stare and we moved on anyways. To the rainbow room.

Almost immediately, Pinkie and I dipped a hoof and finger into a pool of rainbow and licked it off. Presumably, Pinkie went through her canon spectrum with fire breath. I couldn't quite tell because I had my eyes clenched shut, tears streaming down my face. I quickly bent down, scooped up some cloud, and shoved it in my mouth, where it melted like ice cream. Didn't do much for the heat, though. And it just tasted like rain water. Which it was.

“Spiceyyyyy,” moaned Pinkie in a raspy voice.

“Yeah, rainbows aren't really known for their flavour.” said Dash.

“Unless you count Zap Apple Jam,” I countered (then breathed in a way to cool off my mouth). “Plus the tagline for Skittles is 'taste the rainbow.'”

We were then distracted (sort of, I was still trying to cool off my tongue) by some commotion over by Rarity about her wings again

“Where'd you get those amazing wings? I want a pair!” said one of the jock pegasi. He had dumbbells for a cutie mark. I think we dubbed him Dumb Bell.

“Hmm, yes, I guess I could see that,” said Rarity. I chuckled, which drew their attention to us.

“Oh, look, it's 'Rainbow Crash' again!”

“Yeah! Rainbow, um, Crash!” chuckled one with his mane over his eyes and a basketball cutie mark. Not sure about his name.

“Well, aren't you the smartest knife in the shed,” I quipped.

As if to prove my point, he said “Awesome! Thanks!” So I facepalmed.

“Rarity!” hissed Dash. “What are you doing, talking to these guys?!”

“Oh, they were just admiring my wings, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity, flipping her mane back haughtily. I didn't want to be happy that things were following the show, but...

“Yeah!” laughed Dumb Bell, “you should forget the sonic rainboom and just get yourself some wings like these!” His sycophants laughed as well and they all flew off.

“Uhh, come on everyone,” said Fluttershy. “Why don't we go see how clouds are made?”

Shadows, how I wanted to say something right then. I'm going to skip ahead. Just remembering how painful it was to just watch...

I sat on a cloud near the sort-of arena of the Cloudsdale Coliseum, trying my hardest to keep my pain contained. Trixie lay a hoof on my knee, and my hand lay on her hoof to draw comfort. Pinkie was wearing what turned out to be a wing with “#1” on it, not a hand. Which made sense, considering how amazingly dexterous pegasus wings were.

Oh, that's something I forgot to mention from some time ago. Pegasus wings were no more sensitive than unicorn horns. However, the idea of “wing boner” is actually a pegasus joke. When a pegasus is excited or startled or whatever, their flight muscles tense up, flaring their wings for intimidation purposes. At least, the intimidation was how it worked for ancient pegasi.

I didn't pay too much attention to the first few contestants, knowing about Rarity's stalling and Dash's stage fright. But what I did see was rather curious. Derpy managed to fly in ways that seemed almost non-euclidean. “Leeroy Wingkins” did an impressive barrel roll donut-thing (I think he called it a "double barrel roll"), which wound up being fifteen barrel rolls long. The pegasus Time Turner look-a-like had some impressive backwards flying abilities as well, reminding me of that scene with Mater in Cars.

Finally, we were down to the last.

“Here we go,” I said. “First, I want to tell you that everything will turn out fine.” The others looked at me. “B, this was really hard to let happen. And, bullet point... This episode's name is actually Sonic Rainboom.” Okay, I couldn't think up anything good for my third point. I just like the number three.

“And now,” announced the emcee, “for our final competitor of the day, contestant number fifteen!” Dash creeped out, follewed by a prancing Rarity (whose make-up actually looked horrible in my opinion). “Uhh... And apparently contestant number four...”

Dash flew through the columns pretty well, only smacking into the last one. Were I not still pent up about earlier, I would probably have quipped “wrong side,” in a reference to an old skiing game on our old Apple III that my sisters used to play.

After some taunting by the jerk-jock ponies, she took off for the clouds above the stadium and started spinning them.

“Look!” said Fluttershy. “Phase two is working!” But, as she spun the last cloud, she was suddenly knocked off course, sending her away as the cloud flew straight for Princess Celestia's box. But it only impacted the top of the arch, rather than the princess and her guards (that could've been awkward).

Dash and Rarity then started ascending, and I put my hands together in an almost praying gesture (I say almost, because I then immediately cracked my knuckles), breathing out heavily. Dash ascended faster than Rarity, quickly getting above her.

We then heard across the whole stadium, “Look upon me, Equestria! For I! Am! RARITY!” as Rarity flared her wings. After a couple seconds of filtering the light and actually causing a rather pretty prism effect, the glimmerwings went up in smoke.

“Oh, no!” cried Twilight. “The wings evaporated into thin air!”

The Wonderbolts dove after her, but were knocked out by her flailing hooves.

“Hold on, Rarity!” cried Dash, just before she zipped by the stadium. “I'm coming!”

Feeling much better, knowing things were going to be good, I grinned and said, in a growly, guttural voice, “Hatred detected. Firing Orbital Friendship Cannon.” The others looked at me in surprise that I would be so glib, but I just pointed at the five ponies just as Dash did it.

It started with a crackling sound, and an almost electric tension filled the air, not even a second after, the tension snapped and the world seemed to shake. I was momentarily blinded, but only momentarily, as if the magic in the sonic rainboom was determined to be seen. A ring of rainbow fire spread out from the point she split the sound barrier, accompanied by a sound I can only describe as a “fwooshing shoom.”

All in all... Spectacular.

“A SONIC RAINBOOM!” screamed Fluttershy, right in my ear. “SHE DID IT! SHE DID IT! WOOO!”

A'course, at the same time, I fist-pumped and shouted a loud “BOOYAKA!” that startled the others. I then collapsed in relief on the cloud. “Sweet heart of darkness, and this isn't even going to be the hardest day of my time here.” After things wrapped up (and the celebrity judges woke up), everypony started towards Dash and Rarity. Pinkie had already gone to get the balloon, which she landed so the pegasi holding Rarity could put her in it and take a break, so technically, she was already there.

However, I held Trixie back, and she looked up at me quizzically.

“In light of what just happened, and due to my realization on the way here, I have something to ask of you.”

“What is it?”

“Would like to go out with me tomorrow night?”

You can guess what she said.

Author's Note

Finally. I was distracted by so many things the past couple-three weeks, I didn't actually start writing this chapter until about three days ago. Still, over three thousand words in three days isn't bad.

On the episodes that have aired between the last chapter and this one, Maud is going to come as a complete surprise to me, I'm going to complain about there being a transformation spell in the castle ruins the whole time and we didn't know, and the others won't have anything too “world shattering.”

The next few chapters are going to be mostly original and mostly the Planeswalker Exploits campaign, and I don't know if anyone wants me to write the date in full as a chapter, or if I should include it as a flashback in the “Halloween” episode to inflate the words-per-chapter count. This is in part because my notes have only three episodes spread across all of winter, and that's in Early December (so it'll be original chapters with un-heard Friendship Reports for all November), February (so, the same for January) and then the dates are concrete again for Winter Wrap-Up.

Cheers.

Chapter 23: October 22, Brightly Burning

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 23: October 22, Brightly Burning

Knowing what I did of the Ponyvillian restaurants, the first thing I did after Trixie enthusiastically accepted my date request (I shouldn't have been surprised she could hug that hard) was ask Princess Celestia if she knew of a Canterlot restaurant that catered to griffins and ponies alike. The answer was not only “yes,” but she directly offered to get me and Trixie reservations. I almost asked her how she knew, but seeing Rarity's attempt to hide a grin, I could guess pretty well. An offer for a royal chariot ride (much faster than the train, it seems) was also accepted.

Trixie had to work that night, and I used the time to write my report as liaison that I would send the next day. As the day in question nooned, we seemed rather... nervous around each other, until I said, “This is ridiculous, we've lived together for, what, four months now? We're already great friends, this is just... Okay, it is a big step, but still.”

I can't say things went back to normal, but they at least weren't so tense. An hour before the chariot arrived to take us to Canterlot, Rarity stopped by and took Trixie with her, leaving behind a bag with my Gala suit in it.

Apparently, we had a matchmaker on our hands/hooves. Appendages? No, that could easily be misconstrued.

Regardless, I complied with the unspoken wish and changed into the fancy outfit, still somewhat revelling in the feeling of the cloth on my skin. The effect was likely part of Rarity's intention in not letting us wear the outfits except in certain circumstances.

Trixie, wearing her own Gala outfit and some make-up, arrived back at the house with five minutes to spare, which she promptly used to wash off the make-up. She explained that the reason it took so long was Rarity's attempts to force the make-up on her. I chuckled and the chariot arrived directly on time, one of the guards pulling it handing me a note. It read:

Dear Joe,

You reservation at Equus International is all set. As an extra gift, I've also included tickets to the Canterlot Royal Theatre's 7:30 showing of “The Griffin King.” Your seats are in the Royal Box. I hope you enjoy!

Princess Celestia

“Looks like we've got dinner and show,” I commented, before handing Trixie the note. She looked it over and her eyes widened. I'm guessing it was because of the “Royal Box” comment. The chariot landed in the street just outside of a very elegant-looking building, a canopy above the door declaring it to be “Equus International.”

Almost as soon as we entered the door, the maître d' recognized us (or at least me) and called a waiter to show us to an open table, menus already laid out. It was a fairly thick menu, sorted by country. I went immediately to the section of what looked like the Equestrian equivalent of Italy (typically known in fics as "Bitaly"), and decided on a list of my favourite foods: mozzarella sticks, broccoli chicken fettucini alfredo, and a hot blondie with ice cream (essentially, ice cream on a “blond brownie” on a hot plate. First had it at an Applebee's). Trixie ordered more pony-conventional fare: a salad (involving words I didn't recognize), something involving the words “veggie sausage,” and a sundae.

It's not that I didn't pay attention so much as I didn't understand.

“So, I don't really know the story behind your cutie mark,” I commented.

“Well, I was inspired by my dad and stories about my granddad,” she said, sipping her wine (I made sure I had water instead). She smiled softly before continuing. “Dad always spoke so kindly of his dad. He was a great illusionist, though he used sleight of hoof rather than magic. One day, I found my way into his old magic tools and started trying to use them.”

I could almost picture a filly Trixie trying to do the merging rings trick.

She blushed. “I, uh, couldn't quite get it to work, but when I got mad about it, I had a magic surge and, with an oddly loud boom, they vanished.”

Oddly loud boom? I thought. The Sonic Rainboom?

“Turns out, I turned them invisible. When I explained it to dad, he showed me how to undo the invisibility and then pointed out that I had my cutie mark. Still took me a couple days after that to recreate the invisibility effect. I still practiced with the sleight of hoof magic, but I found my illusion magic was much more entertaining to most ponies.”

“Huh. And the insult comedy?”

“I had a heckler at one of my early shows, and when I showed him up, everypony applauded. It just spiralled out of control after that.” After another drink of wine she looked me in the eye and asked, “Tell me more about Earth.”

I smiled wistfully. “Well, it's a large planet mostly covered in water, with a great deal of the landmasses covered in the six-point-something billion humans that live on it. But I think you meant something else.” I sighed. “It was home. I didn't spend much time outside my house, except to go to work or visit my friends or buy groceries, but I was pretty much content. Humans themselves, well, we're a balancing act, 'capable of amazing dreams and terrible nightmares,' I think one book put it. And I think Sir Terry Pratchett described the human race as 'where the rising monkey meets the falling angel' or something like that.”

The appetizers arrived and we busied ourselves for a while with that instead. While I ate, dulled memories flickered through my mind, and it must have shown on my face, because Trixie said, “I'm sorry if I've made you home sick.”

“Nah, I'm just being wistful. Earth was a good place to live for the most part, even if I had a hard time understanding my fellow humans. Someday I'll go back for a while, I'm sure of it, but... I don't think I'll stay if I can manage it. I'd bring back some technology to show off and use, but otherwise... I think I'd rather stay in Equestria.”

Trixie blushed for some reason and we continued eating in comfortable silence. A while later, she spoke up again.

“But, what about your friends on Earth?” I stopped, putting down the mozzarella stick in my hand.

“...” I sighed. “I know Matt wouldn't mind visiting, at least. Not sure about Frank or my family. But, if I can figure out how to get back and forth, I can at least visit them myself.” I smirked. “Don't think I'd make the method available to everyone, though. Too many people at once would probably be a bad thing, no matter their good intentions.”

We finished our appetizers just in time for the main course to arrive, which halted conversation for a while, but that was okay. I was still mulling over what Trixie had said about leaving my Earth friends behind. Was I really prepared to just leave them all behind? So far, I didn't have a choice, I was stuck here anyways.

The rest of dinner was finished with just bits of small talk, mostly involving what I expected to happen in the near future, what my Nightmare Night costume was likely to be, stuff like that.

After enjoying dessert and paying for the meal, Trixie and I returned to the royal chariot outside and we were off to the Canterlot Royal Theatre. “The Griffin King” was a mix of “Romeo and Juliet” and “The King and I” with a mix of both Stockholm and its opposite (I couldn't remember what it was called) and amazingly appropriate for our date, since it was an interspecies relationship between the titular Griffin King and an Earth Pony, named Soft Heart during a war of some kind. It had a bit of a downer ending when Soft Heart sacrificed herself for the King, but it was a very good story that apparently ended the war. No one said if it was a true story or not, but I decided to look it up when I got back to the library to make sure.

We congratulated the actors on an excellent show afterwards, then left for Ponyville, getting back by ten that night. There wasn't much point to playing out the usual end-of-date stuff, like the offer to walk her to the door, considering we lived together.

“I had a good time,” I said, after we waved the chariot pullers goodbye. “Maybe we could do this again sometime, though I don't think it needs to be quite so fancy next time.”

“Yeah.”

Author's Note

And welcome to the shortest chapter this story is likely to ever have. Couldn't think of anything else to put in.

I do know that “Reverse Stockholm Syndrome” is called “Lima Syndrome' thanks to TV Tropes, but, as per usual, the story-me doesn't remember it.

Next chapter: Nightmare Night (not featuring Luna).

Chapter 24: October 31, Fantasmagoriana

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 24: October 31, Fantasmagoriana

“It's a rather curious outfit, dear,” said Rarity, making certain my costume was absolutely perfect. I opted not to wear my gala suit on Nightmare Night, despite its vampiric appearance, and instead described to Rarity what my favourite coat looked like. Of course, like the empty sheath that hung in my room, it wasn't made out of leather like the original, but it still had the proper sheen. “If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if this is what this 'Absolute Darkness' you keep swearing by looks like.”

I rolled my eyes, not that she could see them under my hood. “I use variations on darkness because-”

“-I don't like swearing.” we finished together. Rarity continued with a chuckle, “I know, dear. I just said that I know better.”

I guess it might be beneficial to describe what my costume is, then. I was going as The Mysterious Figure from Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep. Yeah, I know he's technically “Young Xehanort,” but I prefer to just use his Bonus Boss form. What separated this costume from a generic Organization cloak (and aforementioned Young Xehanort) was the cloth tied around my face that kept anything below my eyes from being seen. The hood was long enough to cover the rest of my face, but angled just right to let me see.

I still grin when I remember people at Youmacon 2011 declaring that I had no face. On Earth, I used the cloak in conjunction with my great-grandparent's scythe my gramma still had in her barn to play Death for a Halloween or two. Unfortunately, I couldn't do the same in Equestria because the two figures most associated with death don't use scythes. The gods Blood Money, Lord of the Dead (who reminded me of Hades. The proper one, not Disney's), and Soul Reaper, Lord of Journeys (I had to stop myself from making Bleach jokes whenever I heard his name), preferred a pickaxe and a giant oar, respectively.

Which meant I also had to resist making Minecraft and Soul Calibur silly weapons jokes. Turns out that the full pantheon of Equestrian gods was actually a combination of each tribe's own, and a majority of them actually came from the Earth Pony's culture. Blood Money, for example, was their god of death and riches because they believed that all their suffering would be repaid in the afterlife by him (and of course, the oppressive Pegasi and Unicorns would get to suffer in turn).

What kept Celestia, Luna, and Cadance from being dubbed deities (other than their continued insistence and despite ponies swearing by them) was the stark difference in depiction. While the Princesses were tall and made of all the races and had magic manes and all that, the gods of Equestria were said to be made of their domain. So Blood Money was actually made of golden bones, Soul Reaper looked like he was built of boats and roads and the like.

Still not sure how they depict some of the stranger ones, like Distant Horizons, the Lady of Time, or Absolute Glory, the Lord of Victory. I suppose they'd be made of clocks and trophies, respectively.

I can't even begin to speculate on Unknown Shores, the Lady of Mystery.

Regardless, my costume was ready, and Rarity needed some time to get ready herself. That alone told me not to expect Princess Luna this year. At least that gave me time to persuade her to be a bit less... abrasive when she does come by. I put my costume in my pocket (I love Time Lord technology, even if its actually magic) and headed for home.

Home. Yeah, I guess it has come to be that recently. I smiled to myself. Despite now officially being boyfriend and marefriend (yes, that's how we referred to each other), our lives hadn't changed much since the date. We cuddle on the couch occasionally, actually eat together sometimes instead of just cooking something when we're hungry, stuff like that.

Haven't heard back from the university on the progress for the anthropomorphizing spell yet, which kind of bugs me. And Twilight checked for a ponification spell for me, but there wasn't anything she could find in that direction, either.

Still, it was nice to have someone.

A few hours later and it was just getting dark out, signalling the time to Trick or Treat. I don't think there's a different phrase for Equestria other than the little Nightmare Night rhyme you hear in the show. I only ever missed one Halloween in my life, and that was when my whole household forgot it was Halloween. We had the candy when the first Trick or Treaters showed up, but otherwise we were unprepared.

I swapped my everyday coat for the Organization Cloak, tied on the mask, put on my gloves, and walked to the door.

Only to find a stranger in the kitchen.

More specifically, a strange human.

Even more specifically, a strange woman.

With very familiar hair.

I raised an eyebrow (even if she couldn't see it), and said, “Trixie?”

She stomped and pouted, “Oh, poo. And here I was hoping it'd take you longer.”

“It might have... If you had used a different hair style.” I chuckled, pointing. She glanced at her silvery-blue hair and sighed. “I'm guessing this is a rather convincing illusion?”

“Indeed. I've layered it well enough to fool sight, sound, and smell, but if I could do anything with touch it'd be more than just an illusion.”

Refrain from mentioning taste, refrain from mentioning taste I mentally chanted. “Well, I must say, you did well.”

She “stood” just a couple inches shorter than me, with a very slender form. If I knew what the numbers for measurements meant, I'd use them. She did remember to put clothes on the illusion, and she was “wearing” what looked like her cloak, a white shirt, a vest, and a knee-length skirt.

Altogether quite cute.

I left a bowl of candies by the door with a note saying “Take One.” Pink and Dash gave me a hand with enforcing it by putting up a prank scarecrow that would jump at anypony who tried to take more. There was also a camera nearby that would go off when it jumped, for laughs afterwards.

Walking around town, Trixie adding an illusion of ground fog to my costume, upping the creepy. I saw a few interesting costumes. Dash simply wore a mock-up Wonderbolts uniform (it was rather obviously not real from the way it was sown). Pinks had... fake wings and horn, with paper taped over her cutie mark, a badly drawn sun on the paper. Sweet Heart of Darkness she's dressed as Pinklestia. How does she...? Right Pinkie Pie, don't question it.

Big Mac had a rather elaborate Headless Horse costume, and Applejack wore what looked like tree branches with several buds, green leaves, and brown leaves on them. One was bare. Huh. That would be Reborn Seasons, Lady of the World, I believe. I guess it doesn't count as blasphemous if AJ was wearing it.

When the CMC ran by with their own bags of candy, I did a quick double take. I think they were dressed as the Fellowship's Hobbits. I'd have to see them later to confirm.

Rarity was trying to catch up to them wearing a bright white robe, which didn't tell me much. Not sure what she was going for...

I didn't see Fluttershy, but I expected that considering her reaction to the holiday in Luna Eclipsed. The odd thing to me was the lack of Twilight and Spike. So, Trixie and I went to the library and I knocked on the door. After a few seconds of no response, I knocked louder by kicking the door.

With a continued lack of response, I tried the door handle and it swung wide open.

“Maybe she's going for a haunted library?” I commented.

“Doesn't seem her style,” Trixie said.

“She did manage to scare AJ and Rarity when they had their sleepover before you showed up.”

“How do you...?”

“It was an episode of the show.”

“Should've known.”

I looked around the dimly lit library, and noticed a light from under the stairs. Looking, I found a closed door, with the light coming out of from under it. Opening the door, I heard beeping and clicking that reminded me of old movies like Forbidden Planet.

“Twilight?” I called, entering what turned out to be her basement from Feeling Pinkie Keen. She was deep in examining something printing off the reel computers, but when I spoke up, she turned and looked up.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!” she screamed, flinching back I blinked, then looked at myself.

“Oh, right,” I flipped down my hood and lowered the cloth mask. “It's just me and Trixie. You can stop with the fog effect, Trix.”

She put a hoof over her heart and panted, almost hyperventilating. “J-Joe? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!” she shouted.

“Jeez, it's just my Nightmare Night costume.”

“Nightmare... Night?” she gasped. “That was tonight?! Oh, I got so caught up in my research I completely forgot!”

“Sounds like you,” said Trixie, rolling “her” eyes.

“Do I still have time? I have to get my costume ready!” She tore up the stairs, knocking me off balance.

“Am... I done now, Twilight?” called Spike's voice. From behind the computer banks. We walked down and found him with what looked like jumper cable clips on his spikes and the brain-scan-colander on his head.

“Jeez, what kind of research was she doing?” I said, letting him loose.

“Well, I managed to get some things for her before she asked for them and she decided to see if I could read her mind.”

“Did it work?”

“Not so much. At least she gave me some gems before strapping me in.”

“You going to be all right?” Trixie asked.

“Yeah, I'll just put this stuff away and shut down the machines. You guys go keep enjoying Nightmare Night.”

Trixie and I glanced at each other (I quickly had to raise my eyes, too used to looking in her pony ones), shrugged, then left. There was a loud rustling coming from upstairs before Twilight burst out of her room, wearing... copies of Trixie's hat and cloak.

“I'm not sure weather to feel flattered or creeped out,” muttered Trixie.

“I'd go for 'flattered,'” I whispered back, before putting my hood back up.

Twilight set a bowl of candy by the door, which I took a piece of, and then we went into town. As per Luna Eclipsed, there were games to be played and there were stalls set up to sell noncandy food for the celebrations, one of which was run by AJ.

“Now I'm really wishing I had read the Oz books.”

“What do you mean?” asked Twilight and Trixie. I straightened and looked at both of them before continuing.

“Next year, AJ's going to be dressed as a scarecrow, and there's a character in The Wizard of Oz who is a scarecrow. I've only seen the movie, though, so I'd have to transcribe it... Come to think of it, I could write up a script for the movie for plays. I'd have to adapt certain lines, though...”

It did feel good to pass on the stories from my world. Being a storyteller is why my pony name would be Bardic Knowledge.

Regardless, we played a few games (I had a tough time with the spider toss game, and wouldn't touch the apple bobbing game), saw Snips and Snails also dressed as Trixie (“Still unsure,” she muttered), and got more candy.

Twilight didn't even bother suggesting that either of us were too old for Trick or Treating. I guess that conversation's not going to happen with Pinkie next year.

After the festivities were over and the children were being escorted back to their homes by their parents or other responsible figure, the Mane Six, plus Trixie and I, met at the library for a small party-ish thing, where we swapped stories and I traded what chocolate I got with some of Pinkie's non-chocolates.

I finally found out what Rarity's costume was supposed to be. She was simultaneously dressed as a Herald and Companion out of Mercedes Lackey's Valdemar series (of which I had introduced Burning Brightly to Equestria).

“So,” started Dash, floating near the ceiling. “Got any good scary stories, anypony?”

“I think I have one,” I said. “Though I'll need a quick memory spell to do it right.” After Twilight complied, I began. “Some of this might be hard to translate, because you don't have the same level of technology as we do on Earth, but... This is the story of BEN...”

Author's Note

Yeah, that's a good place to stop, I think. This chapter just flowed out of me, but don't expect the next one to. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with it, yet.

However, I HAVE decided that I'm going to do some blatant time-skipping. Rather than continue to have once-an-in-story-week chapters, the next few are going to skip over a couple weeks with minor flashbacks to the lessons I'll make up for Twilight to learn (This week's lesson was on spending time with friends over your own hobbies).

The list I came up with for the Equestrian gods are based on the Theros gods, and I wrote them up before Born of the Gods was released, so things are a bit askew between the lists. Still, I thought you guys might be interested in knowing who they all are, and here's what I have (The letter stands for which tribe's pantheon they came from):

Honourable Justice, Lord of the Dawn (P)
Deep Thought, Lady of the Sea (U)
Blood Money, Lord of the Dead (E)
Passionate Work, Lord of the Forge (E)
Reborn Seasons, Lady of the World (E)
Great City, Lady of Civilization (U)
Soul Reaper, Lord of Journeys (U)
Unknown Shores, Lady of Mystery (U)
Wild Typhoon, Lord of Storms (P)
Furious Strike, Lord of Destruction (P)
Potent Phial, Lady of Potions (E)
Fine Wine, Lord of Revelry (E)
Absolute Glory, Lord of Victory (P)
Solid Aegis, Lady of Protection (E)
Distant Horizons, Lady of Time (U)

Next chapter: Free Shrugs.

Chapter 25: November 20, The Moons of Mirrodin

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 25: November 20, The Moons of Mirrodin

Our gaming group sat down in the library's side room, as we had the first time we got together. It seemed that whenever we tried to meet up elsewhere, well...

“And we still don't know why those timberwolves were in the middle of town?” asked Spike. “Those things freak me out.”

“Spike,” I groaned. “They're made of wood, it's in their name. You could probably set them on fire.”

“Actually,” added Trixie, “they're pretty fire resistant. Had to fight some off once.”

“Life on the road, huh?”

“Indeed.”

Dash chuckled. “And let's not forget the rabid fanmare.” Trixie glowered as Pinkie and Spike joined Dash in laughing. I just facepalmed.

“How- how far did she go flying again?” asked Spike.

“A mile, at least!” Dash spread her hooves like she was approximating the distance. “It's a good thing she was a pegasus or that would've hurt!”

“Look, can we just get to gaming, please?” I asked. Everyone calmed down and looked to me as I pulled out my notes. “Okay, when we last left off-”

“We were trying to get started.”

I gave Dash a half-lidded stare. “When. We. Last. Left. Off.” She stayed quiet. “You guys were asked by Rin V to fight a monster called the Chocobo Eater, and as payment he would lend you some Chocobos to ride across the Mi'ihen Highroad to Luca.”

“I say we go for it,” said Dash, jumping right in.

“I don't know. Dawn's more a researcher than a fighter,” said Trixie. “We could just walk.”

“Ugh, but that's so slow.”

Pinkie tapped her chin. “And considering how we were attacked as we tried to leave the Thunder Plains, there might be more monsters on the Highroad.”

“I don't really care either way,” said Spike. “Darrin's up for a good fight, but he doesn't mind walking either.”

“I think I'll ask Rin about monsters on the Highroad,” said Pinkie.

“He tells you that there are few. Some are fiends that react to magic in various ways, while others are either difficult to hit or hurt. He also adds that they never attack Chocobo riders.”

Pinkie nodded. “We should do it. If only to keep the monster from eating the Chocobos.”

“That is a good point,” said Spike, nodding.

Trixie sighed, “So we're going to fight it?”

“Oh, yeah,” cheered Dash with a hoof-pump.

“Rin informs you that the Chocobo Eater usually arrives from the west and is susceptible to fire-based magic. Is there anything you would like to do at the Travel Agency before we jump ahead to the fight itself?”

“Peregrin wants to learn some form of magic,” Pinkie said seriously. “He might not enjoy fighting, but he doesn't want to be worthless next time something big comes around.” She turned to Trixie. “He approaches Dawn with his request.”

Trixie looked mildly surprised, then answered in-character, “'I see. First, though, I should gauge your potential.' I'll spend a point of Blue to scan Peregrin.”

“He is heavy with white mana.” I reply. I had already mapped out their mana colours from the character's backstories. Prism Wing was red/white; Darrin was, too, but he focused more on the white than the red; Dawn was blue/red (which was partially Trixie's decision, since her character started as a spellcaster); and Peregrin was very much white. They each had a section I had added to their character sheets for their mana colours, but, other than Dawn, I left the numbers at zero.

Trixie nodded. “'You are not quite suited to my style of magic.'” Pinkie looked down sadly. “'However, you do have some potential in the healing arts. I have known enough White Mages that I may be able to teach you the basics.'”

“I guess,” piped up Spike, “that while they're doing that, I'll find somewhere to do some training of my own.”

“Why don't we train together?” asked Dash. “You probably need to work on hitting flying and fast stuff, and I want to work on dodging.”

I made note of everything, then said, “Pinkie, gain a point in the White Magic spot, with a novice ranked healing skill. Trixie, you get an additional Blue Magic point for passing on knowledge. Dash gets an additional Agility point, and Spike gets a bonus to Dexterity.” I paused as they wrote this down. “After healing up from your training at the Save Sphere that evening, you hear a loud roar of 'HUNGRY!' from the west.”

“It's heeere.” singsonged Pinkie. I had to consciously keep from asking how she keeps making references to Earth culture without having been told it. I had asked once before, but she didn't even realize she was doing it!

“A squat creature with a mouth definitely large enough to devour a Chocobo whole and an arm span longer than the road to either side of the Travel Agency lumbers up to the Chocobo Pen and prepares to jump.”

“I use two Red Magic Effort to cast a fire spell at it!” said Trixie.

“I'll fly at its face and try to knock it over!” said Dash. “Two effort for movement, and one towards the knock-out.”

“I'll follow her up with a hammer smash to its face,” said Spike. “Two effort.”

“I'll hold off in case someone needs healing,” said Pinkie.

Whole lotta overkill here. With the two fire augmented to deal four injury due to its weakness, and another two injury from the hammer, the Chocobo Eater was dead before it knew what hit it. Active Exploits only has a five-point health system.

Reminds me of the “fight” we had the second time we played Active Exploits back home. Ah, well. If we get far enough today, they'll have a much bigger fight on their hands. Hooves. Whatever.

“Okay, Dash, Prism slams into the Eater as it prepares to jump into the pen, knocking it on its back. Just as you move away, Darrin comes up from behind and slams his hammer full force just as Dawn's fire spell goes off, causing a massive explosion of force that drives you back. As the smoke of the explosion clears, the Chocobo Eater is vanishing into wisps of light, leaving behind a large pile of Gil and a sphere of some kind.”

There was a moment of stunned silence.

“Wait, that's it?” asked Dash. “I thought this was going to be some epic boss fight or something.”

“You guys are just stronger than you thought, I guess. Anyways, Rin lets you rest at the Agency for free that night, and then sends you on the way with three Chocobos, since Prism can fly on her own. You fly through across the Highroad at amazing speeds, and are at the entrance to Luca in a matter of minutes. As soon as you dismount, the Chocobos turn and run back the way you came.

“The city itself is not too dissimilar to Canterlot, though it has more domes than spires, and is built on the coast instead of a mountain. As you enter what looks to be the main thoroughfare of the city, you find a rather curious looking man in red. He's sitting on two chairs, as he's quite large, and in one hand he's holding a cup, in the other hand is a newspaper, while he turns the page with another hand, and he holds a saucer with a fourth.”

“How do we know there aren't four-armed creatures here?” asked Trixie. “We've never been to this place before.”

“The strange looks the other people in the area are giving him indicate that he's an unusual sight. But, as you come in, he looks in your direction, gets up, and starts heading towards you.”

“I'll step in front in case he's hostile,” said Spike.

“He stops a few feet away and says to Trixie 'What is the meaning of this? You should know better than risk revealing other planes.'”

Pinkie gasped and stepped forward, “'Other planes? Sir, you know what happened to us?'”

“He seems taken aback by your lack of knowledge and replies 'Curious. Are all of you from foreign lands?'” They all nodded. “'Interesting. I can't sense your Sparks, so I assumed all but the lady were simply summoned creatures and she was masking her power, but if all of you are fledgling 'Walkers... Do you even know how to Planeswalk?'” They shook their heads. “'I see. I am the mighty GILGAMESH! And I shall be your tutor!'”

“'But, sir, what do you mean Planeswalk?'” asked Pinkie.

“'This is not the place for such discussions. Follow me. I will take you to one of my favourite planes, and we can discuss it there. It's a good thing I learned how to open passages in the Void!' He laughs and does a strange dance before thrusting one of his hands at empty air, conjuring a black and purple portal full of stars. He then steps in.”

They all glanced at each other, shrugged, and gestured me on. “Following Gilgamesh into the tunnel of shaped nothing, you see him keeping a watchful eye on you. After walking a few minutes, he does his little dance and a new hole opens, revealing a shining metal landscape. He then announces 'Welcome, my friends, to Argentum! Personal plane of my friend Karn!'”

I then explained what the whole business with Planeswalkers and the multiverse was, from Gilgamesh's point of view at least, including The Mending. As I finished up my explanation, I interrupted myself.

“'Now, Planeswalking is different for every 'Walker, but since you all-' Suddenly, there's a bellow and several loud screeches from your right. In that direction, you see a horde of creatures made of flesh and metal, and covered in oil. Each of them bears a sigil of a circle with a vertical line through it that makes Gilgamesh gasp. 'Fiends! You dare trespass upon this world?!' With a gesture he re-opens the portal and a gust of wind blows you through it. 'I apologize, my friends, but this foe is too great for young ones like yourself!' With a flash of light, he suddenly grows four more arms, and manifests a weapon in each hand. As the portal closes, you hear him shout, 'Now we fight like men! And machines! And men that want to be machines! HAVE AT YOU!'”

At that moment, Twilight came in. “Oh, hey everyone. I see nothing's gone wrong today.”

“Please don't tempt fate like that, Twi,” Spike said.

Dash yawned, “Geez, so much talking. Can we get to the action-y bits already?”

“Don't worry,” I said, “there's a battle coming up soon. But first, I just remembered something. Pinkie?”

“Yes?” she asked.

“I finally remember that second question I wanted to ask you when I first arrived, though I suppose it's a bit moot at this point. You wouldn't happen to be familiar with the name Nicol Bolas, would you?”

“No... Doesn't sound like a very nice guy, though.”

“Oh, he isn't. And before you ask, this is one of those things I've read that might have had curious consequences if it were true.”

“Why is it a moot question?” asked Twilight.

“Heh. Moot.” Pinkie chuckled.

“Because if Pinkie knew Bolas, she'd be a Planeswalker, and if she were a Planeswalker, then she would have already known some of what I'm talking about in the story of my adventure here.”

Suddenly, Trixie gasped. “Oh my, it's that time already? I have to prepare for work. Same time next week?”

“I've got a birthday party that evening,” said Pinkie.

“Let's just keep checking back with each other and we'll come with a next time for everyone, all right?” I suggested.

Everyone agreed, and Dash burst out the window (which was open; lots of warm bodies in the room, after all), apparently happy to be stretching her wings.

“Any chance I could join in next time?” asked Twilight, as Trixie and Pinkie left as well.

“Don't see why not, though I'll have to come up with a good way to introduce your character. Unless... You don't mind playing one of my NPCs?”

“NPC?”

“Non-Player Character. If not, I can probably come up with something.”

“Sounds good to me. And if I like the game, but not the way the character is playing, I can make a new one?”

I nodded. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm starting to get hungry. See you later, Twi.”

Hm. These session keep ending before I want them to. Ah, well, at least this one started.

Author's Note

Short and something that might be of interest to you. I made a reference to one of my favourite works on this site, presented my theory that Final Fantasy's Gilgamesh is a Pre-Mending Planeswalker (All we know about his species is that they're giants with the ability to shapeshift), and gave a couple Noodle Incidents for that entry of my eventual (maybe) Trope page (I'm hoping).

I may be more distracted than usual, however, because a helpful Background Pony on Derpiboo.ru showed me a page where I can watch Classic Who, and I'm just getting to The Web Planet watching a serial a night.

Next Chapter: Who?

Chapter 26: December 10-11, Owls Well That Ends Well

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 26: December 10-11, Owls Well That Ends Well

“Come on, Joe!” said Trixie, knocking at the door. “I know you want to see the meteor shower.”

“It's too cold out!” I replied, tossing a new log into the furnace. Not long before the snow fell, I had practically sequestered myself in the furnace room, both to make sure the house stayed warm and to be in the hottest room in the house.

“I know your clothes have heating enchantments! I was there when you got them!”

“It'll be psychosomatic cold!”

“Don't make me use my secret weapon!”

“I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!” shouted Pinkie.

I blinked, sighed, then facepalmed before walking over to the door Trixie (and apparently Pinkie) was behind, opening it. “Pinkie raises a good point. I neither locked this door, nor is it my room. You could have entered at any time.”

I had barely finished speaking when I noticed that, alongside Pinkie, who even Trixie looked confused about, Fluttershy was also in the game room. I think she was going to have me Stared if I didn't give in. Though we still weren't sure if the Stare would have the same effect on me as it would a cockatrice or dragon, I was inclined to think it was.

“I'm still not sure why the house has a furnace like that,” Trixie said. “It doesn't go below freezing on even the most chilly day.”

“I'm more sensitive to cold than most,” I reminded her. “Especially ponies, since you've got your fur.” I closed my eyes with a sigh. “Fine. I'll bundle up and join you on the hill.”

“We've still got an hour, we may as well have something to eat before we go.”

As we all headed up the stairs, I glanced to my right and muttered, “What does it say about me that my marefriend grabs another mare to use as a 'secret weapon.'”

“Actually, Fluttershy was just stopping by to see Bacardi,” Trixie replied. “I was talking about something else.”

“Oi, that was a private, fourth-wall-y interlude.”

Trixie just rolled her eyes. She was so used to my idiosyncrasies at this point it made me smile.

“You look ridiculous.”

“But I feel so warm.” I knew where Trixie was coming from, though, since the only thing you could see of me was my eyes. My mouth and nose were covered by a Fourth Doctor-inspired scarf, and a thick woollen cap reminiscent of (though not quite like) Jayne's cunning hat. I also wore my Nightmare Night costume, with another coat over it. It was a little overboard, really, but I was motivated by a combination of my dislike of cold and feelings of whimsy.

So toasty...

The snow that wasn't present in the episode I was pretty sure this meteor shower heralded crunched underfoot and hoof as we headed to a hill near my house.

As soon as she saw me, Twilight remarked, “Geez, Joe, it's not that cold!” Rarity glanced my way and choked on her punch, before resolutely looking the other direction.

“Don't care, winter!” I replied.

Dash rolled her eyes, “It's exactly the same temperature as the top of that mountain on your birthday.”

“There was a dragon up there making it warmer.”

“Including the dragon!”

“Look, we're not here because of my irrational hatred of the cold, okay? Let's just watch some meteors.”After some snickering on Pinkie's side of things, everyone agreed (though Twilight saw fit to remind me that they were comets, not meteors) and I settled down on the almost incongruous picnic blanket.

After some pleasantries and small talk, I learned that the centennial shower begun approximately a thousand-something years ago, but records of that time period were scarce enough that it could have been almost anything. I made note of Twilight's mention that she could look that information up if the “Astronomical Astronomer's Almanac to All Things Astronomy" hadn't been “checked out.” Spike's cookies were good, but the punch was only kind of so-so. Tasted kind of grape-y but not quite.

At least it didn't taste purple, like cough medicines.

About half-way into the shower, Spike and Scootaloo were out cold, Spike dropping off in the middle of refilling his glass, spilling the punch bowl into the snow. I was mildly tempted to see if it tasted like a snow cone, but the lacklustre taste of the punch had me dismiss the idea out-of-hand. Trixie leaning up against me as we watched the sky contributed, too.

Pinkie made her “Spiked punch” joke, which got a chuckle, and I lay my outermost coat over him (though he was warm enough being a dragon that it probably wasn't needed) so we could just keep watching the sky.

The comet storm lasted until about 1:30-ish, and we packed up the picnic (dumping out the rest of the punch into the snow as well. No one really wanted dragon as an added taste), Rainbow volunteering to take Scoots home.

As we headed back home, I smiled at the sky before speaking, “You know, I never got the chance to see something like that back on Earth.”

“Really?” Trixie replied.

“Yeah, any celestial event, like an eclipse, gets obscured by clouds by the time it happens. Stupid Michigan weather.”

“Eclipse?”

“Oh, that's right. With the sun and moon controlled by the Princesses, it's no wonder you don't have that word. An eclipse occurs when the position of the sun, the Earth, and the moon is just right as to overshadow one of them. If I remember right, solar eclipses only happen once every four years, but the Earth is large enough that it isn't always visible from Michigan, and even then it tends to be covered by clouds. Might be why I always loved watching lightning.”

Trixie remained silent for a few moments. “I hear there's some lightning art places in Los Pegasus. We could make a vacation of it someday.”

“Sounds like a date.”

The next day, Trixie and I found ourselves at the library, where Twilight was already showing off Owlo... Owloysius? Ah, Owlowiscious (Shadows, I can never remember how to spell his name).

Pinkie giggled, “Oh, what a fantastical, flufflicious feathery little friend! I'm... HOOked!” This was apparently funny, because almost everypony laughed.

“He's just wonderful,” murmured Fluttershy. This elicited some grumbling from Spike in the window above us, which he quickly attempted to cover up.

“And Owlowiscious is just such a star I just had to make this little bow for you,” said Rarity, fixing a near-duplicate of the bow-tie she gave Spike the night before to the owl's neck.

This was obviously the last straw, because Spike slammed his book shut and stomped his way back inside.

“What's he all saddle sore about?” complained Applejack.

“He's worried,” I answered. “He's used to being Twilight's only assistant and he's thinks Owlowiscious will replace him.”

“Replace him?” Twilight scoffed. “Hah! That's crazy! Spike knows he can't be replaced.”

I forced myself to remain silent on the issue, knowing that Spike's worst fear was to have Twilight send him away. We needed as many Friendship Reports as possible to make sure she broke out of her future discording. Instead I said, “I wonder if he'd like to meet Bacardi, as a fellow creature of the night.”

“Hoo?” Owlowiscious hooted. In response, I used my fingers to give a loud whistle; this apparently was piercing enough to make everypony rub at their ears. Regardless, a couple moments later Bacardi came flapping up to us. He landed on my shoulder, where I pet him, before introducing them.

“Bacardi, this is Owlowiscious. Owlowiscious, this is Bacardi.”

“Hoo.”

“Squeak.” Bacardi replied.

They seemed to have a conversation while we watched, Fluttershy occasionally giggling at something (but she wouldn't say what, just waved her hoof at us). After a few minutes, everyone had places to be. I was due to start transcribing The Hand of Oberon (fourth book of The Chronicles of Amber), and had only come to town for a memory spell. Bacardi stuck with me as I went home, Trixie going with Rarity and Fluttershy to a spa date (apparently).

Later that afternoon, I was interrupted in my writing when Spike knocked on my basement door and asked if he could borrow a quill.

“Uh, yeah. I think I've got a spare in the desk.” I fetched the quill for him and he headed off, looking ecstatic. I really felt bad for the little guy, knowing what he'd find when he got back to the library.

That night, I was explaining the episode's events to Trixie, “And, while he's sleeping on the stairs, Twilight discovers that he accidentally burned the pages out of her book and wakes him up to confront him. She scolds him, but he takes it pretty hard.”

“And you didn't do anything to fix things?”

“Well, back when Spike and I went to Canterlot, before you showed up, I cautioned him to be careful around dusty books, but that was months ago. I'm surprised I remember it. Anyways, distraught, Spike runs away from home an-”

The door burst open in a flash of purple magic, Twilight bursting in in a panic. “Joe! Have you seen Spike?”

“Have you tried following his ketchup footprints?” I replied.

“Ketchup-? You knew this WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?!” she shouted. I'm pretty sure she was starting to glow white, while Trixie quickly moved to calm her down, looking rather worried.

“He's in the Everfree! A green dragon's cave, and if you want to save him, we need to move out, now!” I pointed out the door. I wasn't intending to get involved, but apparently my mere existence managed to screw up the timeline slightly. I got on Trixie's back as Owlowiscious swooped down in front of us, Bacardi flying out behind us as we galloped towards the Everfree Forest.

“I don't know the exact location of the cave, but since there's only one entrance to the Everfree, we should be able to find his footprints. It will be difficult for us to see, no matter how good my darkvision is, but Owlowiscious and Bacardi should be able to guide us to him. When we reach the cave, you might want to have a teleport spell cued up to get us out of there, because the dragon is going to be angry at Spike for chewing on his hoard.”

“Why would Spike do that?” Trixie asked.

“Because he didn't know it was a dragon's hoard at the time.” We reached the entrance to the Everfree then, and Owlowiscious flew closer to the ground to try and find his footprints. After a couple tension-filled moments, he hooted loudly and took off, Bacardi next to him. Together, the guided us into the forest, Bacardi warning Owlowiscious when there was something in the trees he didn't see, and Owlowiscious keeping his eyes on the ground, where the footprints lay.

Not long after we entered we heard a cry for help. I shouldn't have been surprised we found him so quickly, considering the speed we had been travelling at. The instant we heard Spike's shout, Bacardi took over guiding us completely, using his echolocation skills to guide us to a cave. Bat and owl both flew straight in, distracting the dragon I knew of as Razorfang while Twilight grabbed Spike in his magic and put him on her back. She started to charge up a teleport, but dropped the spell in fright when Razorfang breathed flame right over our heads.

I tried to think of a way to appease him, offer him replacement gems or something, but he was obviously too angry to listen to what anyone had to say. Instead, Trixie wheeled about and all six of our party burst from the cave, the dragon right behind us. The pets guided us out again until we had left Razorfang behind, roaring in futility. We came to a stop as we hit the entrance Spike and I dismounting as Owlowiscious and Bacardi landed in our places.

Twilight panted as she spoke, “Spike. We were so worried about you. I was so worried about you. Why did you run away?”

Spike looked dejectedly at the ground. “I thought you didn't need me anymore. And that you didn't love me anymore.”

“Spike.” Twilight sighed. “Sure, I was disappointed, but you are my number one assistant! And friend. And you always will be. It's just that sometimes I need some help at night. I can't ask you to stay up late. You're a baby dragon and you need your rest. Owls are nocturnal. So I asked Owlowiscious to help. But not to take your place. No one could ever replace you, Spike. Not even when you are being a jealous numbskull.”

“There are many interpretations of your relationship with Twilight,” I added, “from a surrogate mother, due to her hatching your egg, to an adoptive sister, since you've been there most of her life. One thing you can be sure of is that you're family.” A quote popped into my head. “'Ohana means family. Family means, no one gets left behind.'” Twilight nodded in agreement.

“I'm sorry, Twilight. I never should have been so jealous.”

“And I'm sorry too, Spike. I should have been more sensitive.” Twilight hugged Spike.

“To be fair, you're still pretty new to this whole 'friendship' business. Tact can be tough.” I pointed out.

Spike nodded, then turned to Owlowiscious. “And Owlowiscious... I know now that you weren't out to take my job. Forgive me?”

“Hoo?” Oh, here we go.

“Me. Forgive me, Spike.”

“Hoo!”

“Squeak!” added Bacardi. The animals started hooting and chittering in a laughing manner, Twilight, Trixie, and I joining in.

“He forgives you, Spike,” Twilight added. Trixie levitated my watch out of my pocket and glanced at it.

“If I'm going to be to work on time, we should probably start heading back,” Trixie said. We agreed and made our way back to Ponyville. After a few minutes of walking, Spike jerked back in a moment of epiphany.

“Hey! How did you guys know where I was?”

“Well, first they came to my house,” I said. “And I pointed out that your feet should have left behind ketchup-flavoured footprints. When we got to the entrance of the Everfree, Owlowiscious was able to follow them most of the way there, and then Bacardi followed your screams the rest of the way. That bat is getting extra treats tonight, I tell you what.” Bacardi jumped from Trixie's back to my shoulder and licked my cheek.

“Oh, yeah... The ketchup. It looked pretty real, though, right?” Twilight gave him a sardonic look and he giggled nervously.

“Maybe if the mouse toy you used hadn't looked patchwork. And the feathers from the pillow had looked like owl feathers.” I lectured. “Also, owls tend to eat prey whole, so your deception was also rather misinformed. Furthermore-”

“I think he gets the picture, Joe,” Trixie said, magicking my mouth shut. I rolled my eyes and nodded.

Author's Note

And there we are, at last. We're eight days away from the one-year anniversary of my story and I've got nine chapters left in my plans for season one. Judging by my track record, I'm not going to get more than one (if that) out by then.

So, I'd comment more on the episodes that have happened since I last updated, but there's too much to put in my author's notes. So, I'll just comment on the latest bit: First off, according to TV Tropes, the original spelling of our villain was “Tirac,” but the credits said it was “Tirek.” I propose we use this as a way to differentiate between the two versions, since one wanted “The Night That Never Ends” (and was voice by the Transformers narrator) and the other was a magic-eater. I liked the mention of Scorpan in the back-story, by the way, though I wish he'd gotten a bit more of a cameo than that.

Personally, I was hoping Discord would refuse and lose his magic to Tirek after the offer of power, but... Something I found amusing, though, is when Discord says “I am magic and friendship” near the end, I thought “and Chaos, the heart of Magic.” I know one of my readers knows what connection I made there.

Anyways, there's one thing I want to ask everyone. I'm thinking that when I finish with season one, I'm going to put season two as a second story. In part because I'm going to have my dad photoshop together a better picture that represents season two of YAHES better, but I'm not sure if I should. What do you guys think?

Next episode, by the way, will be an original: Hearth's Warming Christmas in Equestria.

Chapter 27: December 24-25, A Christmas Story

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 27: December 24-25, A Christmas Story

Twilight paused on entering the house, a bag of what I guess were presents in her telekinesis. Considering I was only just introducing the idea of Christmas to Equestria, I decided to sort of ease things in with a gathering where the gift exchange would resemble the SCA event referred to as “Wassail.” “You've had all month to decorate for both Hearth's Warming and Christmas, and all you have to show for it is a sparsely decorated tree?”

“And some coloured candles,” I pointed out, gesturing to the red and green candles on the table. “Honestly, my family sorta petered out on the decorating side of things as the years went by. Pretty much the only reason we even put up a tree last Christmas was because my nieces were going to be coming by.” I smiled wistfully. “I still remember the days when I was a kid, and me and my big sisters would have little arguments about who got to put the Rainbow Brite ornament on the tree.”

“It is so weird to hear you reminisce and remember the same thing,” muttered Twilight. Apparently not all of my memories had faded completely from her mind in the past few months. She then floated the bag over to the tree in the living room. “I imagine everypony's going to be coming by over the course of the day to drop stuff off for the party tomorrow. This has both Spike's present and mine.”

“Alrighty. I'll be seeing you guys tomorrow.”

“At two, right?”

“Yeah.” I started.

“Technic-” “Oh, good, I-” We said at the same time. There was a brief pause before I gestured for her to go ahead.

“I, ah, was going to say that Spike and I are headed back to Canterlot tonight, to spend Hearth's Warming Eve and morning with my family. We should be able to get back by the time your get-together starts.” I nodded. “What were you going to say?”

“I've... forgotten,” I muttered, scratching my neck. “Still, you have a good day with your family, alright?”

“Yeah. You-” She cut off. I'm pretty sure I could guess what she was about to say. “I'll see you tomorrow.” She said instead, and left. As soon as she went out the door, my face fell.

“Family...” I whispered. The longest I'd ever gone without seeing at least one member of my family was just over a week. At least, that had been the case before I wound up in Equestria. It was good to have all these friends, Trixie was definitely a bright spot of every day, but...

Will I ever get to see Earth and my family again?

“I believe the phrase is 'a penny for your thoughts?'” said Trixie said from behind me.

“Vastly overpriced,” I replied, turning. “I have so many, after all.” She stood by the doorway from the bedroom hallway to the living room, at least until she saw my face. She quickly trotted over to me, then reared up and hugged me. I did my best to hug back with my arms pinned under hers. I heard the glow of her horn and some paper shuffling about, then she practically carried me to her room.

“It's okay, you can let it out.” she whispered. As if that was a trigger phrase, tears started to spill out my eyes.

“I miss them, Trix,” I whispered. “I miss them so much.”

“I know... I know... My first few nights on the road I kept thinking of home, until I eventually broke down and went back. I never even made it to a town the first few times I set out.”

“Shh.” I whispered. “No words are needed.” I hugged her tighter, still crying. “I take comfort in your presence alone.”

I don't remember how long we sat like that.

I woke up early the next morning to start on cooking for the arrival of the others. And by “early” I mean 9:00 in the morning, which meant only about four hours of sleep. For the almost massive gathering we were about to host, this was necessary.

Trixie assisted where she could, while making certain the presents everypony else had left by the tree were all laid out for easy access and unwrapping. Half-an-hour before the gathering was scheduled to begin, the Apple guests (Big Mac, Applejack, and Apple Bloom) arrived, with some additional food.

“Howdy, ya'll!” said Applejack. “You ready for the big shindig?”

“Close enough. Granny Smith couldn't make it?” I asked.

“Nope,” answered Big Mac. “She's a bit too old to go around in this weather.”

“Understandable.”

“Are these the presents?!” cheered Apple Bloom, almost climbing on the pile of presents.

“Eeyup,” I answered. Big Mac just rolled his eyes.

Rainbow was next to arrive, landing on the front porch hard enough to shake snow off the roof and onto her head. We all got a kick out of that, even her, once she shook the snow off. The last to arrive was Twilight and Spike, who appeared in a teleport right at two.

“Did we make it?!” were the first words she said upon entering the door.

“Yes, you're right on time,” I said. “Now, before we get to the presents-”

“Awww,” groaned the Crusaders.

“-we eat,” I finished, smiling. The Crusaders and Spike got what was technically the “kiddie table,” but that was mostly because there was only barely enough room for nine chairs at the table, let alone thirteen. After the food was set out, I raised my hands. “Now, if everyone would join hands – and hooves – I'll say a prayer. The question is, do we want a mildly really quick-but-irreverent prayer, a short-but-proper prayer, or a long-and-appropriate prayer?”

After a bit of conferring, the long prayer won out (I was mildly hoping for the irreverent prayer, but oh, well). Everyone closed their eyes.

“Dear God who art in Heaven, we thank thee for the gifts though hast given us. For our friends and family and their safe journey here. We ask that thou bless this food we are about to eat and keep us safe this day. In the name of the Christ Jesus, Amen.”

Twilight was the only one to echo the amen, but that was to be expected since she was the only one who actually knew what it meant.

As I started passing the food around, Dash asked, “So what's the quick-but-irreverent version?”

“Dad does it on occasion as a joke: 'Good friends, good food. Good God, let's eat.'” There was quite a bit of snickering in response to this. We all dug in, with bits of conversation around the table. I felt a small lump in my throat at how full the table was. I did my best to keep my face schooled as I talked with Twilight about all the books I'd been getting published.

“How many books are you planning on doing? You've only been here six months and you've already published more books than A. K. Yearling!”

“I'll probably take a break after I'm done with the Chronicles of Amber. With all the money one book series got me, I don't even need the Royal Liaison job these days. I have enjoyed all the fan mail, though. Stories are the core of my being, and it's always good to see people enjoying stories I've shared, even if they aren't ones I've come up with.”

Twilight smiled at my own little grin and we continued eating. With this many ponies (and a dragon and myself), I was almost assured no leftovers. Even if there were leftovers, I was more than willing to eat it.

At 3:00, we had finished eating and gathered on the three couches in the living room. Everyone who had brought a present (which was everyone) got a random number to figure out who would choose a gift first. The rules were: when your number came up, you got to take a present, even if it's a present that's already been unwrapped. If someone's present is taken, they're allowed to take another, save for two exceptions: you can't take one that's just been taken from you, nor can you take one that's already been taken three times.

Apple Bloom had “1” so she went out and grabbed the largest box she could find. I smiled cattily because it was my contribution and I had pulled a little trick. As she ripped the wrapping paper off, took off the taping holding the box shut, and pulled out... another gift-wrapped present in a different wrapping paper. She went through three more boxes, each one wrapped differently, until she finally got to an envelope.

“Finally! What is it, a gift card?” she said, opening the envelope. “'This card is good for an autographed, zeroth edition copy of every book ever transcribed by Joe McCord.' The hay?”

“Essentially, whoever has that card in their possession will get the copy of the book I get sent for being the author, which is usually the first one off the line, and I'll autograph each one.” Twilight looked intrigued, but Apple Bloom just kinda stared at me. “What? I've always wanted to pull the nested box trick. It's not my fault you picked that one.”

Next up, Sweetie Belle took her turn. She picked through the boxes until she pulled out one that was rather hefty, if her struggle to move it was accurate. As she began to pull it open, I decided to make a joke.

“It's a puppy!” Everyone kinda stared at me. “It's a traditional Wassail joke. Not sure how it started, but we've had fun with it every year. The other one is when you unwrap the present you say 'It's a box! Just what I've always wanted!' or similar.” Everypony rolled their eyes in response.

It turns out that Sweetie's chosen gift was a hoof-crafted bottle-shelf-thing that came with bottles of cider from Big Mac. When Dash's eyes lit up, I had a feeling she'd be stealing that first thing when her turn came around. I had had Apple Family Cider by now, and I had to agree that it was one of the best things I had tasted, so I'm probably going to go for it myself.

Rarity was next, and she apparently grabbed Applejack's contribution, because the hat in the box was exceptionally similar to the hat AJ wore. She looked rather dubiously at it, though.

As predicted, when Dash went next, she took the cider rack from Sweetie, who didn't mind hopping back into the pile for another present. This time she got Trixie's gift, a book about sleight-of-hoof magic tricks for beginners.

Scootaloo went straight for what was, from the wrapping paper, obviously Rainbow Dash's gift, which turned out to be a set of weights.

Fluttershy surprised me by going over to Apple Bloom and taking the book certificate. I hadn't thought she'd actually steal something in this game. Apple Bloom went back to the gift pile and found a box of fancy chocolate, which Sweetie claimed came from her.

Applejack dug into the pile and pulled out a rather small-looking gift, which wound up being a very shiny jewel. I thought it was Rarity's contribution until Spike said it was from him.

On Trixie's turn, she floated the cider rack over to us, which made Dash glare (Trixie just smirked haughtily). Dash fluttered into the pile and grabbed Pinkie's gift, which wound up being an expertly crafted Christmas cake.

Spike pulled out some candy canes, which Apple Bloom said she got from her friend Twist. It was nice to see that she had stayed friends with Twist when she helped found the Crusaders.

Big Mac glanced around the room before taking the chocolates from Apple Bloom, who then took the magic tricks book from Sweetie, who took the gem from AJ, who took the weights from a put-out Scootaloo. Scoots then got a mildly devious glean in her eyes as she grabbed the cake from Dash, who took the opportunity to take back the cider rack. Trixie's smirk failed to diminish as she took from the pile a calligraphy set from Twilight.

“Now that's how the game is played,” she said, winking at me. I chuckled darkly. As long as neither Pinkie nor Twilight took the cider from Dash before my turn, I'd have incontestable ownership of the cider rack.

I crossed my fingers as Pinkie hopped off the couch, she liked the cider enough herself to take it before me. Luckily she just jumped straight at the remaining three presents and pulled out a rolled up Wonderbolts poster that Scootaloo had contributed.

Twilight took the book certificate from Fluttershy, which in retrospect wasn't much of a surprise, and Fluttershy simply sighed before going for the present left that wasn't hers, which turned out to be a certificate from Rarity for a free wardrobe makeover.

At last, it was my turn. And I went straight for the cider rack. Dash groaned and looked around the room. She grabbed the Wonderbolts poster from Pinkie, who hopped over to Big Mac and swiped the chocolate. Like Fluttershy, instead of going for another present, he just sighed and grabbed the last present, a bird-watcher's guide from Fluttershy.

“Now that every gift has been chosen, it is possible to make a trade for the one you wound up with for another if both parties agree,” I announced. Dash looked hopefully at the cider. I made a short gesture with one hand, prompting Trixie to float in thirteen mugs (I had taken to collecting interesting Equestrian mugs, such as the lightning-themed one from the Lightning Art Museum near Las Pegasus) that she then filled up with cider, emptying all but one of the bottles.

“In honour of you, my friends, my Equestrian family, I raise a glass in toast. Without you, all of you, I have doubts I would have been able to stay here in Equestria without being a miserable wreck of despair.” I paused, then glanced into my mug. “That sentence turned a lot darker than I meant it to be. Still, I am thankful to have each of you. Here's to you!”

“Here, here!” they cheered, before taking a drink. Trixie shifting a hoof to lay on my leg. I put my hand on it, rubbing the side of her leg in silent thanks.

We spent the rest of the day singing what traditional Christmas and winter songs I could remember.

It was nice.

Author's Note

I had this ready three days ago, but I decided to hold off until the one-year anniversary just so I could say “happy birthday” to my fic. Also, I realized a couple hours after I finished that I had accidentally made a stealth pun. I wonder who figures it out?

And before someone in the comments makes the joke... I tried to write the comfort scene in a way that wouldn't get a “Shh. No tears now, only hugs” comment. Then I realized I needn't bother, it'd happen anyways.

Until the next (which is a gaming episode), live well all.

Chapter 28: January 16, The Purifying Fire

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 28: January 16, The Purifying Fire

“I just don't get it,” I said, as my players gathered in the library side room. “Is there some form of narrative causality keeping us from meeting anywhere else or something? I mean, really. The number of things that kept us from meeting for two months!” There was a chorus of groaning murmurs of agreement. I cleared my throat. “Okay, so. I've offered Twilight two different characters to potentially play as, because the second one was more similar to her than the other. She knows when she's supposed to show up and will be waiting until then, and has been given her back story.” After some nods of agreement, I opened my scroll of notes to the relevant section. “So, when last we left off, Gilgamesh had explained a few things, then shoved you out of the plane when a horde of monsters appeared.”

“Can we go back in to help?” asked Rainbow.

“The entrance closed after his parting words. Also, Dawn, you notice the corridor seems to be destabilizing from where it used to be.”

“I'll tell the others,” Trixie said quickly.

“We'd better run before we get separated,” said Pinkie.

“Upon reaching the other side of the corridor, you emerge in what appear to be some ancient ruins, partially overgrown with vines. The buildings are made of tan clay and have a fire motif to them. Directly in front of you is a tall pillar topped with a jewel, refracting a beam of sunlight onto a section of a circle of strange symbols.”

“I'll scout out above,” said Rainbow.

“It's an entire city complex of similar-looking buildings, though you can see some oddities in the streets between them. Behind the rest of the group is a building that looks like a large temple with a grate in the ceiling and a large fire burning on the other side. There seems to be a human man walking towards the group, with a woman in a different part of the complex walking towards the fire.”

“I guess I'll have to let everyone know someone's coming.”

“Just after you finish, the man comes into sight and stops dead on seeing you. He screams, 'No! No more death! Must protect them, must save the dragons!'”

“Fight time!” While Dash seemed happy, the others looked mostly concerned. “I'll spend two effort to go fast and attack him with another effort!”

“I'll scan him with a Blue effort,” said Trixie.

“I'll draw my hammer and ready myself,” said Spike.

“I'll cower behind Derrin,” said Pinkie, before hiding behind Spike.

“Before you start to move, he glows with power, makes some arcane gestures, and a large dragon appears in front of him, blocking your way. You bounce off the dragon, dealing almost no damage to it. Dawn's scans reveal him to be suffuse with Red and Black mana. The dragon itself is made of pure Red mana, despite it's green colouration.”

Rainbow's jaw hung open. “This guy can summon dragons? How the hay are we supposed to beat that? And how'd he manage to move faster than me?”

Spike glanced at his character's background for a moment, then nodded. “'A dragon? You have called on the wrong creature, for I have slain two dragons in my time! And one was possessed by an Archfiend!' I'll spend three effort on a hammer attack on the dragon.” This proclamation was met by a whistle from Trixie. She checked her own character sheet.

“Not to be out-done, I'll throw some Red effort into a Blizzara. Which is worth... two.” I nodded. Between the two of them, that'd take out the Shivan Dragon.

“If this guy's going to be stealing my speed, I'm going to spend three effort into speed, then two to attack him, flying around the dragon he summoned!” said Dash, stomping her hoof. In truth, I'd had their opponent go at the same time as Dash, but she didn't need to know that. Pouring that much effort into her attack would fatigue her character, too.

“Peregrin's out of his element in a fight, still. Is there anything I can do?” Pinkie said.

“As part of her instruction on how White Magic works, Dawn has told you of a series of spells that offer protection from certain types of attack, as well as an ultimate White Magic attack spell. You don't have enough skill to use any of those right now.” I replied.

“Then I'll ready a cure spell and wait.”

“Okay, here's what happens: Prism flies around the dragon and slams into the guy, knocking him into a wall. He roars in pain, then breathes fire at you. As the dragon prepares to breathe fire as well, the combination of hammer and Blizzara deals enough damage to the dragon to make it dissolve into red light. Prism takes two damage and one fatigue from the fire breath and overexerting herself.” I then nodded to Twilight.

“'Hey! Dragon dork!'” she said, affecting a voice that reminded me of Ben 10. Which made sense when I thought about it: they're both voiced by Tara Strong. “'Pick on someone your own size!'” As everyone looked confusedly at her, I added:

“Standing on top of the temple you found yourselves in front of, is the woman Prism saw earlier. She's wearing a brown and red outfit and a pair of goggles over her eyes, which are currently glowing orange. In her hands are a couple fireballs, and her hair is currently made of fire.

'You!' shouts the man. 'I'll destroy you!'”

“'I'd like to see you try!' And I'll throw a fireball at him. Three Red effort.” Everyone looked, shell-shocked, at the both of us.

“With a snarl and a flash of fire, the man disappears, just barely avoiding the fireball.”

“Now that he's gone, I'll cast that healing spell on Prism,” Pinkie said. “Which is all my one White effort.” I hadn't been expecting her to say something, but I let Dash erase one of the wounds and the fatigue.

“Now that the battle's over,” said Twilight. “I jump down from the roof, letting my hair turn back to normal, and say 'Yo. Name's Chandra. Looked like you guys could use some help.'”

“'Oh, thank you,'” said Pinkie. “'He was scary.'”

“'Yeah, yeah,'” said Twilight, waving a hoof. Wow, she was really getting into character. “'Fought the guy once before. He turned into a dragon that time. So, what brings you to the Sun Warrior's city?'”

“'Is that the name of this place?'” asked Trixie. “'Gilgamesh didn't have time to say much before he sent us here from Argentum.'”

Twilight looked thoughful, “'Nope, doesn't ring a bell. In fact, it doesn't even sound like a place in the Elemental Nations.'”

“'Is that the name of this plane?'” asked Pinkie, almost echoing Trixie.

“'Wait, plane? You guys are Planeswalkers?'”

“'Gilgamesh was confused, too,'” said Spike. “'He thought Dawn was the only Planeswalker among us.'”

“'Huh. Well, glad I could help you guys. I'm guessing you don't know how to find the Sun Warriors, do you? I'm always looking for a new way to use fire.'” The party shook their heads. “'Guess I'll just keep looking for them. Where do you think you'll be headed next?'”

“'Um, Miss Chandra?'” said Pinkie. “'We don't know how to Planeswalk. Mister Gilgamesh was going to tell us, but we were attacked and he sent us here before we could do anything.'”

Twilight adopted a pensive look. Wow, she was really getting into this. Wasn't really expecting that. “'Don't know how to Planeswalk? Sheesh. Are you sure you're 'Walkers?'”

“'Well, we did survive in the Blind Eternities,'” nodded Trixie. “'Gilgamesh said that non-Planeswalkers would just dissolve if exposed for long enough.'”

“'Fine. Maybe you are 'Walkers,'” Twilight sighed. “'But I'm not very good at teaching. Who do I know...?'”

I decided that was a good spot to step in. “After some contemplation, you remember the mind mage that you've encountered twice. You don't like him very much, but he should know how to help. Last you heard, he spends most of his time on Ravnica.” I paused, furrowed my brow, then looked down at my campaign scroll.

“What's wrong?” asked Trixie and Twilight.

“I seem to have made a plot hole in my notes.” Trixie bit her lip (I had explained the euphemism to her a while back; turns out it was purely an Earth joke). “I have this meeting between Chandra and you guys, then I kinda skip straight to meeting with Jace on another plane. I'm... not sure how to resolve this.”

“Why not just have Chandra go get Jace and bring him back there?”

“I guess. I do want the Planeswalking lessons to be held in a specific plane, though... Ah!” I quickly wrote down some notes for my solution. “Okay, Chandra 'Walks away to get Jace... Which leaves you guys at the Sun Warrior's complex. A couple minutes after Chandra's left, a man in face paint and tribal clothing approaches. He gasps and turns to run away.”

“'Wait!'” said Pinkie. “'We're not going to hurt you! We're just waiting for a friend of ours!'”

“The man ignores you and keeps running, quickly vanishing from your sight.”

“Great,” grumbled Rainbow. “Are we going to have to deal with more misunderstandings?”

“Actually, just as the tribal man returns with friends, Chandra appears beside you with a man in a blue cloak. He looks each of you in the eyes, then turns to Chandra. 'I see what you mean.' With a wave of his hands and a splash of blue light, the approaching men blink and walk away. The man in blue introduces himself as Jace Beleren and starts explaining how Planeswalking works.”

“Chandra gets bored and walks off,” Twilight said. “According to your notes she was here to learn from the Sun Warriors anyways.” She shuffled some papers, then looked over to my notes.

“As you leave, he reminds you that you owe him a favour. Anyways, each of you add “Planeswalk” to your skill list at 'Novice.' It's linked to your mana effort. In addition, each of you adds one to your mana effort in the colour of your choice, out of those written on your sheet.” Trixie and Dash went for Red for combat purposes, while Spike and Pinkie chose White for protection and healing purposes, respectively. After a bit more explanation, I had them all Planeswalk to somewhere new, though I had them take a couple points of fatigue damage each.

“Jace nods at your arrival. 'Good. You were able to follow my directions here. I'm sure you noticed that travel through the Blind Eternities can be difficult if you don't have enough power. This plane is known as The Realm of Light. During the event known as 'The Mending,' it underwent a strange phenomenon that has turned it into a smaller scale version of the greater multiverse. You will learn how to Planeswalk better and follow someone without directions here. Find me.' And with that, Jace disappears.”

Spike yawned, prompting me to look at my watch. Midnight. “Okay. I think that's actually going to be a good stopping point. I do have some more details about this to iron out, but you guys are going to have much more free reign for exploration in the next session as you try to find Jace in The Realm of Light.”

Pinkie and Rainbow nodded and started out the door, chatting on their way home about the battle and Twilight's acting. Spike yawned again and stumbled off to bed.

“That was fun,” said Twilight. “I think I'll join in again next time, though I might make my own character.”

“Alright. I think I can figure out a way to work them in, too.”

“See you guys later!” Trixie and I waved as we headed out the door.

“What kind of character do you think she's going to make?” asked Trixie.

“My guess is white/blue, but she might surprise us by going for another red-based character.”

“Hmm. I'm with you on the white/blue thing. That is so her.”

Author's Note

A something of note, in part due to this being a gaming chapter: I had a hilarious time at a recent session with my friends, where my character is basically a mix of Hanataro and Crona. I was asked by my guild's second-in-command to sneak an object into another guild's barracks. When I got there, I pretended to have a letter for another member of the party who happened to be a member of that guild. After the gate guard let me through without trouble, the guild leader found me and I had to give him the same “I have a letter to deliver” speech. He then decided to lead me to the party member's room (because he wasn't home), and I was forced to Sleight of Hand the device I was sneaking into a hiding spot with no ranks in that skill. Fortunately, I rolled a twenty, giving me a twenty-two. When we reached the room, I had to pretend to lose the letter I never had in the first place, so acted out my character's panic, including sticking my head down my shirt. I was amazed that I never had to perform a Bluff check for that sequence.

Also, I've made a History of Equestria timeline for a bit of world building for my Equestria.

In addition, I suddenly noticed that I made a mistake in something I said about the last chapter. I managed to get "Mar" and "May" mixed up on my upload dates, so last chapter was actually my year-and-two-months anniversary chapter. Whoops. Closest chapter to actually being an anniversary chapter is Either Sonic Rainboom or Stare Master+. Ah, well.

Next chapter: How we found our destinies.

Chapter 29: February 13, The Cutie Mark Chronicles

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 29: February 13, The Cutie Mark Chronicles

I sighed, setting down my book and getting up to pace again. I was reading an incredibly dry technical manual on magic as I took a break from writing, and the lack of engaging material basically forced me to do something with my energy, so I paced. I hadn't had this much trouble with a book since “Chaos,” a book on chaos theory back on Earth.

The next day was Hearts and Hooves Day, so Trixie and I were planning a special outing for that evening. But the girls were going to be having a party or something at Sugarcube Corner today. I didn't catch all the details, but we'd be stopping by for a few minutes anyways.

As I forced myself to sit back down and continue reading, somepony started knocking on the front door. Trixie was over at Rarity's (and even if she wasn't, I would likely have been closer), so I put the book back down on the table and opened the door, to be greeted by the faces of the Crusaders at my waist.

“Well, hello. And what brings you lot to my door?” I let them in and closed the door behind them to keep the cold out.

“Well,” Apple Bloom started. “We're lookin' to find out what everypony's done to get their cutie marks, and you said at Diamond Tiara's cute-ceañera that you've got no cutie mark, but you know what it would be, so-”

“How'd you figure it out?” interrupted Scootaloo.

“Hmm, well, that's a bit of a boring story,” I answered. “When I was young, like eight years old or something, I thought I would be a scientist, then I figured I'd rather be a game designer. Dad made board games on occasion, but that was just for fun, really. Anyways, in eighth grade, when I was about thirteen, I auditioned for a play the Young Children's Theatre was putting on called “Dragon Tale,” and I landed the lead role, Hugh of Rutherford. It was then that I realized that I enjoyed acting.”

“So acting's your special talent?” asked Sweetie.

“Not entirely. It's merely an expression of it. Like I said, I realized I enjoyed acting, but I never really wanted to be famous, thanks to the way the press and paparazzi tended to hound famous people.” I smirked and rubbed my moustache. “Right after that play is also when my moustache started growing in. Anyways, I continued on with my life, looking to be a voice actor, the distinction being that a voice actor's face is almost never seen, and it was another three years and a comment from a classmate before I realized what my 'special talent' was.”

“What sort of comment?” asked Apple Bloom.

“He, almost proudly, informed me that he hadn't read a book in his life, except for what school forced him to. It struck me as bizarre, alien, even unthinkable that someone would not enjoy reading a good book. That, combined with a bit of introspection,” I paused at their confused looks and clarified, “self-examination, I noticed that practically everything I was interested in had to do with stories. I loved to read them, play them, watch them, act in them, and even try to write them. There's not a day gone by that I didn't have my nose in some kind of story. Or at least a book of some kind. And, so, my talent became known to me: I have a talent for stories.”

“And your cutie mark?”

“Well, it was about seven years later, when I got into the show telling this world's story, I decided to make a version of myself that would fit in in Equestria, cutie mark and all. Someone doing an Ask blog starring you guys, I'll explain later, was offering to draw people's characters for a fee, so I described myself from my ponytail to my goatee to the parchment-y colour of my skin, then thought about a suitable cutie mark: a book. At the time, we didn't know there was a theatre, but a book would probably still be the best representative of my talents. And it's an open book, because I enjoy telling stories as much as reading them.”

Trixie came home a few minutes later. “Oh, hi, girls. What brings you over?”

“They're looking for cutie mark stories. So I told them what could probably be considered mine.”

Trixie absorbed this before looking over my pyjama'd self. “You should probably get dressed. We have to be at Sugarcube Corner soon. I'll tell them my story while you change.” I nodded, gave her a hug, then walked back to my room. I had already heard her story while we were on our date. I smirked as I realized I was pretty much the only one who was going to be at Sugarcube who didn't have the original sonic rainboom be a pivotal event in their life. Well, no more pivotal than any other episode of MLPFiM. And it probably wasn't pivotal for the Cakes.

Anyways, as I returned to the living room, Trixie had finished up her story and the Crusaders were on their way out the door. I had finally come to terms with the cold, so I wasn't horribly bundled up like I had been two months ago. This progress was likely to be ruined by next winter.

“So, just what are their talents, anyways?” asked Trixie.

“So far as we can tell, Bloom is an amazing carpenter, Sweetie does music like nobody's business, and Scoots is some form of acrobat. Scoots is actually the hardest one to pin down, but that's what fits best from what I've seen.”

“Shall we go meet the others?”

“May as well. Depending on how many stops they've made so far, which I'm going to guess is just AJ, we might get there before the Crusaders and hear Dash's story.” I grinned. “You might be surprised by what she reveals.”

“What do you mean?” I started out the door. “Joe! Ugh, fine. I'll wait. But you can bet I'll remember this!”

It's a good thing my boots didn't have laces, or she might have tied my feet together right there.

As we walked through town, I was interrupted by a voice calling my name, “Joe! How have you been!”

I turned to see Time Turner approaching us. “Oh, hey there! I'm doin' alright. You?”

“Pretty good, pretty good. How's that watch treating you?”

I pulled out the Chameleon Arch-like watch, flipping it open. “It's been running amazingly well. I make sure and wind it every day at midnight.” I frowned. “Even when I'm not thinking of it sometimes...”

Time Turner nodded with a thoughtful look. "Curious. Maybe it has something to do with your more, shall we say, colourful appearance?”

Trixie looked me over before turning to the watch-and-clockmaker. “What do you mean?”

“I guess it must have happened gradually enough you didn't notice. It's been long enough since I've seen you to see that you're not quite as drab as you used to be.”

I looked down at my hands, glancing over my shaded glasses to get a proper look. “Now that you mention it, I do seem to be a bit more pastel or something. I remember when I arrived that I thought the trees of the Everfree looked more like the trees on Earth than the trees in Ponyville proper. Ponyville's seemed brighter, more vibrant. It seems like I've become so as well. Fascinating.”

“Well, I just happened to see you as I was headed back to the shop and thought I'd say 'hi.' Have a good afternoon, you two!” We waved goodbye to each other and continued on our way.

“So, what do you think this means?” asked Trixie.

“Well, pretty much that I'm going native. There's so much ambient magic in Equestria that I'm sure the food I've been eating all this time's been infused with it and so my body's been absorbing it from outside and in. Wonder if that gives me any pony-esque abilities?”

“Well, you can't use unicorn or pegasus magic, since you don't have a horn or wings, which only leaves you with earth pony magic.” she snickered. “And as far as I can tell, you're nowhere near as strong or tough as even the weakest earth pony.”

I chuckled too. “Well, maybe I've got human magic, then. The most that would probably mean is increased brain power or morality or something.”

“Morality? With the way you complain about your species?”

“Yeah, I complain. Mostly because I don't understand them most of the time. I do believe that humans are an inherently good people, though. Even if most of those I've met can be utter morons. Or as I liked to say, 'common sense isn't very common these days.'”

We chuckled together. It was then that we reached Sugarcube Corner. We walked in to find everyone other than Pinkie already present.

“Hey, Joe, Trixie. Glad you could make it!” said Twilight.

“Of course we'd make it. This is a Pinkie Pie Party!” I said.

“Speaking of,” said Trixie, “where is Pinkie?”

“I'm not sure,” Rarity said. “She went out the door a few minutes ago without saying anything other than she'd be right back.”

“She's coming this way with the CMC. Telling them her cutie mark story like everyone else.” I answered.

“They haven't asked me yet,” said Dash.

“They've actually been hunting for you to get your story. I must say, I am looking forward to hearing it from your point of view rather than watching it on a screen.”

“Wait, so this is an episode?” asked Twilight.

“Yep. One big flashback episode. The moral being about waiting to find out your destiny rather than rushing about and not finding it in your hurry.” As I finished talking, the door opened, Pinkie pronking on past me as the Crusaders followed after.

“Rainbow Dash! You're here!” cried Scootaloo.

“I hear you're looking for my cutie mark story.”

Scoots sighed. “You have no idea what I've been through today to hear that story.”

“It all happened during the race at Flight Camp, where I stood alone against all odds to defend Fluttershy's honour. A group of bullies were teasing her for not being able to fly well, so I jumped in and challenged them to a race. It was a once-around of the flight camp, going through the pre-set obstacle course the teachers used. I was all set and raring to go, not caring that there were three of them, all bigger than me. Fluttershy was my friend, and I was going to show them all that if they pushed her around they'd answer to me.

“With a wave of the flag, we took off, and I gained an early lead. It wasn't a very big one, because Hoops, their leader, was right behind me, easily vying for my position. But I knew I had to win, for Fluttershy and I pushed myself harder than I'd ever pushed myself before. I'd never flown like that before! The speed, the adrenaline, the wind in my mane... I liked it... a lot! Hoops tried to sabotage me by knocking me into a cloud, but I kept going.

“Turns out the only thing I liked more than flying fast... was winning! I could feel the air like a wall, trying to stop me, but I wasn't going to yield and I told that wall to let me through! Just as I hit the bottom-most ring of the obstacle course I felt the air give way with a humongous boom! And as I felt myself go faster than anything, I glanced back... Most people thought that the Sonic Rainboom was just an old mare's tail. But that day... The day I discovered racing... I proved that the legends were true. I made the impossible happen!

“And that, little ones, is how you earn a cutie mark,” she finished, looking at the Crusaders.

“Wait a second,” said Fluttershy. “I heard that explosion. And I saw the rainbow too. Rainbow Dash, if you hadn't scared the animals, I never would have learned I could communicate with them and gotten my cutie mark.”

“I heard that boom! And right afterwards, there was this amazing rainbow that taught me to smile,” said Pinkie.

“When I got my cutie mark, I saw a rainbow that pointed me home,” added AJ. “I bet it was your sonic rainboom!”

Rarity joined in. “There was an explosion I could never explain when I got my cutie mark.”

“This is uncanny!” said Twilight. “If that explosion didn't happen when it did, I would have blown my entrance exam. Rainbow Dash, I think you helped me earn my cutie mark too!”

“And from what I can tell,” I added. “The sonic boom part startled Trixie into getting her her cutie mark.” Trixie blinked, thinking it over, then her jaw dropped.

“Whoa!” gasped Dash.

“We all owe our cutie marks to you!” cheered Pinkie.

“Do you realize what this means?” Fluttershy said in awe. “All of us had a special connection before we even met.”

Rarity sighed. “We've been BFFs forever and we didn't even know it!”

“Come here, y'all.” AJ drew us all into a hug.

“AWWW!!!” cooed everyone else. My lungs were too busy being crushed to make any sort of noise.

“I'm so glad we're friends!” said Fluttershy, as AJ released us.

“I love you, guys!” added Pinkie.

“Awwww...” cooed Sweetie and Bloom.

“Ewwww...” Scoots groaned “Gimme a break. Come on, Crusaders! Maybe we just need to try zip-lining again.”

“Hey. How about a song?” Fluttershy giggled.

I grinned. “I know exactly the song to sing.” I said loudly, drowning out Scootaloo's Big No.

As I prepared to sing, a familiar bit of banjo music filled the air. The song started pouring out of me almost unbidden (though it was in my bass, rather than Kermit's voice. I can't really do a Kermit voice).

Me:
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Trixie:
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far

Trixie and I:
What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Everyone (except Scootaloo, who was looking at us mildly horrified):
All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic
Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That called the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same

Me:
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be

Everyone (see above):
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
La da da di da da dum da duh da da dum di da

As the last note died away, I paused, staring at everyone else. “Okay, what was that? I was just going to sing a couple verses and maybe the chorus and then... that!”

“That was a heart song, silly,” said Pinkie. “When somepony starts a song, the magic of it echoes in the hearts of those around them and gets them singing, too!”

“It's a commonly documented phenomenon,” agreed Twilight.

“But, I've sung songs a couple times before now and-” I paused. “I think I get it. Trixie and I were just talking about how I've apparently been absorbing enough magic from living in Equestria to count as having it myself. Looks like I might be joining in on the next big song that happens in my presence.”

“Oh, wow!” cheered Pinkie. “I think that calls for an entirely separate party! C'mon, Joe! Let's go plan it!” I shrugged and followed her into the Sugarcube kitchen. When I got there, she stopped and turned to look at me. “Hey, Joe, remember when you asked me about my resolve to do anything for my friends?” she said, quietly.

“Kinda,” I responded, warily. It had been a few months since I had brought it up, and hadn't asked again, so I wondered at what had prompted her.

“Well, it happened about a year after I got my cutie mark...” She closed her eyes, and her hair seemed to darken slightly, though it didn't lose its poofiness. “I had this one friend from the nearby town, Fizzy Pop, and we would meet up and play whenever dad brought me with him into town. One day, she wasn't there when I went to meet her, and I learned that she had gotten very sick. Dad let me visit her in the hospital, and I did my best to cheer her up and help her get better.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, after all.” Now probably wasn't the best time to mention that my first Blind Bag pony was Fizzy Pop.

“Uh-huh. Anyways, I visited her every day I could, Ma even letting me go on my own if all my chores were already done,” Pinkie's hair began to droop. “But no matter how much I kept her smiling and laughing, no matter how much I tried...” Tears began to drip from Pinkie's eyes, and I knelt down to hug her. “She... She died. During her... Her funeral... I vowed, with the first Pinkie Promise, that I would never let my friends down ever ever ever EVER again.”

“Oh, Pinkie.” I hugged her tighter, feeling my shoulder get warm and wet from her tears. She sniffled quietly. “It's a hard thing, losing a friend. I've lost them, too. Everyone back home, on Earth... I don't even know if they know what happened to me. Thinking of the pain they have gone through, might be going through, it tears at my heart. I want to go back, but then that would mean leaving all of you.”

“All we want is for you to be happy. Okay, Joe?” Pinkie said, drying her face. “Come on, the others are probably wondering what's taking so long.”

“Right. Oh, and Pinkie? Thank you for being my friend.”

“Always.”

Author's Note

Pinkie's story is based off of this comic.

Next chapter: Springtime.

Chapter 30: March 20, Winter Wrap Up

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 30: March 20, Winter Wrap Up

I lay under the covers, staring at my watch apprehensively. Since the incident at Sugarcube Corner a month ago, I had done research on heart songs. One of the main things I made note of was the fact that Scootaloo hadn't joined in on “Rainbow Connection,” and I wanted to see how that worked. Apparently, heart songs can only affect those who would actually sing that song (hence why she was able to join in during the Hearts and Hooves Day episode, despite not actually singing). As well, some songs had a cumulative effect, where the more ponies that sang it could potentially get more ponies singing it as the area in which it was being sung expanded.

I was apprehensive because I would be glad to see winter gone, but the song would most likely be happening in the morning and I don't know if the song would wake me up and force me to sing along, possibly moving me outside in my pyjamas while it was still cold out.

Twilight has probably gotten up and realized she was too early by now. I thought. I closed my eyes, forcing my thoughts away from the impending song. I really should get to sleep.

I was walking along the road in my old neighbourhood, snow covering the lawns. I was bundled up such that, of my head, only my eyes were visible. As I passed the house across the street from my Aunt Linda's house, a thin tornado, the size of my head in diameter, touched down a few feet from me, swirling about for a few seconds before lifting back up with a patch of snow going with it. As I continued my walk, more snow-vacuum-tornadoes touched down and lifted.

As I passed the Browns', the house across from my gramma's, I noticed they had trucks and vans moving about their yard, some driving into their garage and vanishing. I paused, then turned to see a house between Aunt Linda's and her neighbour, Glenn. I knew that house. It only existed in my dreams.

“We presume that this is thy home world?” said a voice to my right, standing in the street.

“Princess Luna?” I turned to see the Princess. More snow-vacuum-tornadoes were cleaning up my grandparent's yard. “As I thought, I'm dreaming. This marks the second time I've realized I was dreaming before I awake.”

“Oh? And what was the first?”

I leaned back in my chair, taking a sip of my dream-tea, before replying. “I was playing around with a friend in a playground that doesn't exist, so far as I know, and when we entered a concrete tunnel that was longer and larger on the inside, I noticed the odd dimensions and realized I was in a dream. But just before I could manipulate the dream, like I just did here, I woke up.”

Luna's form seemed to waver between the humanized form I had tried to grant her (based on John Joseco's art) and her natural pony form. “We see. Thou shows remarkable clarity and control over thy mind.”

I smiled, then swivelled the office chair from my dad's old office, gesturing to the computer before me. “I've always been able to read in my dreams, where most see only gibberish. I guess it's just an extension of my linguistic aptitude.” I hefted the book in my hands before placing it on a shelf. “However, it seems I don't have as much control as you credit me. We've been shifting at the whim of my thoughts, rather than any effort on my part.”

“Such is the immaterium of dreams.”

“Though, a question arises. Why art thou in our dreams this morn?”

“I am practicing my admittedly rusty skills-” Luna frowned, then reached out and switched our mouths back around. “We have not been doing more than raising the moon and painting the sky thus far since our return, and we hoped that we had regained enough of our former strength to accomplish dream-walking. As thy sleep cycle is different than our own, it seemed prudent to try with thee so if we became exhausted, we wouldst already be ready for sleep.”

I nodded in understanding, then quickly stood up from my ex-girlfriend's bed, leaving the small room for my house's front porch. “You know, this is a good place to impart secrets. I doubt Discord can exert enough power to see into dreams while he's petrified.”

“Discord? Why dost thou bring him up?” Luna's hoof-steps accompanied me onto the porch, placing her hands on the porch railing as she looked at me askance.

“Because within the next year, he's going to break free. Celestia already knows, though I gave him the code-name 'Q' so he wouldn't realize it was him we spoke of.”

Luna looked at me from Counsellor Troi's chair. “So, thou hast made plans for his release?”

“I intend to let the Elements deal with him, as they did in the show.” Which had just started playing on the view screen. “Though, I do have plans of my own, involving a bit of a game...”

I snapped awake in my room. That was probably a dream I'll remember the most vividly out of all the dreams I've had. I glanced at the wall clock.

“Noon-thirty. Bit early for my tastes, but I'm wide awake anyways.” I walked over to my window, dancing around the books I tended to leave laying on the floor, and peeked through the blinds, just in time for a thump to herald a pegasus shovelling snow off my roof. “Winter Wrap-Up's still not complete. Guess I'll go lurk at town hall until Twilight takes charge of things.”

Putting truth to words, I got dressed and stepped out into the patchy and slightly mushy snow. Pegasi were swirling the clouds around in the sky, clearing some areas just to murk them up again a few moments later, much like the earth ponies and physically stronger unicorns screwed each other up while plowing. It was rather like art, in a way. A moving painting or something.

I had to skirt around a few members of the animal team as they tried to place unnecessarily fancy nests in trees still laden with slush, where they would undoubtedly slip out before the day was done.

“Sweet darkness,” I murmured. “There were only hints at the disorder in the show, but this...”

I shook my head and continued onward. As I passed into Ponyville, I glanced into the sky in time to see a grey-and-purple pegasus flying off to my right. That must have been Ditzy Doo, heading north. She was actually Derpy's cousin, and while Derpy had some vision issues, Ditzy had Ryoga-level directional problems: tell her to go left and she'll make a right turn; tell her to go straight and she'll keep going that way, even through obstacles.

Twilight taking control of Winter Wrap-Up was a long time coming.

As I arrived at the town hall, I found that the argument was already under way between Applejack and Fluttershy about the rate of snow-melt.

Mayor Mare interceded... sort of, “Oh! What in Equestria are all you arguing about? This sort of silliness is why we were late for spring last year, and the year before that, and the year before that!” She rubbed her forehead with a hoof before continuing. “I was hoping my amazingly inspirational speech would urge everyone to do better than last year, but now it looks like we're going to be later than ever. I mean just look at this catastrophe. The ice scorers made the ice chunks too big to melt; the nest designer is horrendously behind, we need several hundred, and she's only made one! At least her assistant has made a few or we'd be even worse off! And don't get me started on all the clouds in the sky, the icicles on the trees... This isn't good, not at all!”

I paused out of sight of everypony else, looking for the bush containing a purple unicorn. Upon sighting her, I tried to sidle my way over to her without attracting attention. The argument continued in the background.

“And it's gonna be all to pieces disastrous if we can't get our seeds all planted,” chimed Applejack.

“Chillax Applejack,” Rainbow assured her, “we're bustin' our chops as fast as we can.”

Fluttershy gasped before replying, “No, not fast, we have to wake animals slowly.”

Big Mac approached them, Caramel standing to one side. “Uh, AJ?

AJ took one look before groaning. “Oh good gravy, Caramel lost the grass seeds again, didn't he?”

“Eeyup.”

A weather team pegasus flew up to Dash, “Ditzy Doo accidentally went north to get the southern birds!“

Dash groaned as well, “Oh that featherbrain. Didn't she learn her lesson last year when she went west?”

“An even more pressing concern,” I muttered to Twilight, who jumped at my sudden arrival, “is why they chose her to get them after she messed up that badly the first time.”

“Stop this at once,” the Mayor said. “We don't have time to argue. Spring is going to be late again. Another year of scandal and shame. If only we could be more organized!”

Twilight gasped, and I nodded at her glance, “Spike! Get my checklist template and two clipboards, STAT!”

“Eh, yes, ma'am,” Spike saluted, then zipped off to the library at a dead run. I was briefly puzzled by the request for two clipboards.

“Stop, everypony!” Twilight said. They ignored her. “Stop!”

Taking pity on the bird she would otherwise squeeze, I took a deep breath and shouted with my faux-TRCV, “HEAR YE, HEAR YE!” Everypony stopped and looked my way. “Thank you! Twilight has a solution! Twilight?”

Twilight stepped forward, “Thank you, Joe. I know you all want to complete your jobs on time, but arguing is no way to go about it. What you need is organization, and I'm just the pony for the job.” Immediately after she finished speaking, Spike returned from the library, panting. “Along with my assistant supervisors, Spike and Joe.”

Assistant supervisor? I thought, then shrugged. I didn't much care for positions of authority, but I could probably handle that.

Spike handed me a clipboard, a fresh paper with blank squares lining the left side.

“Joe, you will watch over the plant team,” Twilight commanded, writing appearing on my clipboard giving a priority to the things the plant team \needed to do. “Spike, you and I will start with the animal team and then we'll clear the weather team for sunlight, okay?”

Spike and I saluted and we set about our tasks. First step, clear out the snow. I assembled the plant team at one end of the fields, opposite the Everfree.

“Alrighty, snowplow ponies! I need you all to line up along this edge in two straight lines! First row, I want all of you facing the same direction with a full two feet between your plows. Row two, stand so that you can see between the plows of row one! Understood?”

With a unified sound of agreement, they arranged themselves as instructed. I told row one to go ahead, and after a minute, sent row two out to get the snow row one left behind. As they moved forward, I checked the first line off the checklist, then I addressed the crowd of farming-plow ponies and the seeders.

“You lot will follow directly behind the first row of snow plows, plowing then seeding. This is the carrot field, so only carrot seeds are to be planted this run.” There was another sound of agreement, and I sent them off on their task. After another check, one more group went along behind the seeders and folded the furrows over into mounds, but not flat earth. If I had everything timed right...

Sure enough, a few moments later, the drill formation of pegasi tore through the cloud layer, pulling the grey skies away and letting the sun melt the snow left by the second row of snowplows for the seeds' first watering.

The process was repeated in other fields with other crops, until almost all the seeds had been used up. Once every field had been completed, I gathered everypony and we headed for the rendezvous point just outside of town, where every team was meeting. Just as the sun began to set, I looked out over the fields, hands in my coat pockets. Winter's end. Felt good.

Oh, and for a nice departure from canon, Spike and I got All-Team vests, too.

Still not sure how Rarity managed to get it under my coat without taking it off.

Author's Note

A/N: Finally. This chapter fought me for a couple weeks, then JAFAX happened (I cosplayed Jesus, it was fun), then I finally figured out what to do when I had the dream I started the chapter with (well, up to the point where Luna shows up, I can't remember what happened in the actual dream after that point). Once I sat down to write it, I just blew through it in an afternoon.

Recently got to the Fourth Doctor's run (just finished “Image of the Fendahl,” in fact), and within the first three serials he bumped Three out of first place as my favourite Classic Doctor (Three is still very close to the top, though).

Next chapter: It's Pinkie's party, and she'll go nuts if she wants to.

Chapter 31: May 2-3, Party of One

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 31: May 2-3, Party of One

Pinkie had gotten used to the way I acted at parties. She didn't understand, but she was used to it. I had a tendency to simply sit off to the side, watching everyone else and occasionally speaking up when I had something to add to a conversation, or when someone struck up a conversation with me. I would have a glass of drink and a plate with either food or crumbs on it, depending on how far into the party we were.

Anyways, it was Gummy's birthday party, and I was putting an only mildly faked smile on my face as Pinkie, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Trixie danced (Shy and Twi being flung into walls by Pinkie's exuberance). About a week and a half ago, only a few days after Winter Wrap-Up, Rarity gathered everyone but Pinkie to the Boutique to speak about arranging a surprise party for Pinkie.

(Flashback time!)

”It's not often we get to plan a party for Pinkie, after all,” said Rarity. “And considering her uncanny ability to find ponies when they don't want her to...”

“We'd need to be super careful about everything,” agreed Dash.

I took a deep breath. “I have a slightly prophetic objection.” That got everyone's attention. “You all know about my non-interference policy when it comes to this sort of thing, but this is one time I can't. Because this lesson would be learned from the pain of one of my friends. And I've learned enough empathy over the years that it would hurt me, too.”

“What are ya talkin' about? Why would a surprise party hurt Pinkie? She loves parties!” said AJ.

“The day before Pinkie's birthday, she's planning a birthday party for Gummy. She then plans to invite everyone to an after-birthday party for Gummy the next day. But with everyone busy making sure her surprise party is going to happen...”

“What?” asked Twilight. Apparently, she still didn't quite get it.

“Pinkie lives for others and making them happy through her parties. If she thinks no one's enjoying her parties, then one of her fundamental values is... broken. Which breaks her. And she goes a little nuts, too, replacing you with inanimate objects. Andrew Joshua Talon called it 'Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome.'”

That got a few curious looks.

“What's your plan, then?”

“Exclude me, and maybe Trixie if she's amenable, from your plans. We'll go to the after-birthday party while the rest of you work, keep her happy and distracted. Once you're done, send a letter or something to tell us so and we'll figure out a way to persuade Pinkie to your party.” There was a general murmur of assent, then the planning got fully under way.

(End Flashback!)

Gummy's birthday party was alright, the best part in my eyes being Rarity's spit-take on seeing Gummy in the punchbowl. I dined by the idea of “if it tastes good, but the ingredients are weird, eat it anyway because it still tastes good.” So, as long as Gummy was clean (which he usually was, because Pinkie is at least meticulous about that) the punch would be fine.

As we headed out the door, Applejack stumbled slightly, “Hoo-wee! I am beat! I haven't danced that much since... Well, since your last party. Thanks again for the invite!”

Dash waved to Gummy, who was just staring blankly into space. “See ya later, birthday alligator!”

Rarity looked back towards Pinkie, “Bravo for hosting yet another delightful soiree.”

“It's been lovely,” Fluttershy agreed.

Pinkie giggled, “You sure you don't wanna stay? There's still some cake left.”

Twilight, who was lagging behind slightly, answered, “Uh, I think I'm gonna pass. Great party though. We should do this again soon.”

As we continued away, I leaned over and whispered conspiratorially to Twilight, “Guess what? Tomorrow is soon.” As Twilight looked at me sardonically, I chuckled and walked away, following Trixie back home.

The next morning, I woke up to find an envelope on my chest. A glance at my door confirmed that it was still locked.

“Pinkie...” I muttered in exasperation. I had lost count of how many times I had told not to enter my room without my permission. Still, the note in the envelope confirmed that Pinkie was hosting Gummy's after-birthday party at three this afternoon (yes, this afternoon this afternoon). That gave me about an hour to get ready.

Even with all that time, I got dressed and checked to see if Trixie was awake. She was, and she confirmed that Pinkie had woken her when she visited. On top of that, she told Pinkie that we'd be able to make it. We were also her first stop, judging by her basket full of envelopes.

“All righty. The surprise party is planned for around three-thirty/four-ish, right? That means we'll have to distract Pinkie for at least an hour. I certainly hope my poor small-talk skills are up for it.”

“Don't worry too much about that,” Trixie said, patting me on the hand. “I have enough conversation for the both of us. I just have to keep things going until Spike sends us his flame-mail. It shouldn't be hard to entertain her or Gummy, even if that little alligator is... odd.”

I couldn't argue with that, so we went off to Pinkie's with fifteen minutes until we were supposed to be there. It was only a five-ish minute walk, but I liked to be early.

Pinkie greeted us with an extra-tight hug that made our ribs creak (and did some lovely chiropractic work on my spine). In fact, she seemed extra cheery, which is saying something when it comes to Pinkie Pie, being the Element of Laughter and all. That should have been my first clue.

Things went rather swimmingly. We sang “Happy Birthday Yesterday” to Gummy (a Pinkie Pie original composition), and Pinkie brought out the cake, punch, and snacks. As it was an after-birthday party, presents were not required, and we just dug right in to the food. Trixie did her best to keep up the small talk, while I chimed in every once in a while, sipping from my cup of punch.

I even demonstrated, upon Pinkie asking, how one could “play seashells” by attempting a ball-and-cup game (or whatever the game is called. The one with the three cups/shells/cards and you have to find the ball/right card), telling her to pretend the cups were seashells.

And the whole time, I didn't notice how strained Pinkie's smiles and laughs were.

Eventually, I went to get some more punch, only to find that we had apparently emptied it in the meantime. Pinkie immediately jumped to her hooves and offered to get more, dashing out of the room.

I glanced at my pocket watch. Quarter to four. “How much longer do you think they're going to take?” I asked Trixie. “I like eating well enough, but I can't take much more.”

Trixie glanced at my watch, too. “Give them another fifteen minutes, maybe. It needs to be perfect, and if Pinkie catches on-”

“If I catch on?” came a voice from behind the door. Which swung open to reveal Pinkie in all her Pinkamena “glory.” “I thought something suspicious was going on. Why would only you two be available to come to my party. Especially when Joe doesn't like parties. What about everyone else? I thought they loved my party yesterday. So why didn't they come?” her eyes grew big and teary. “Don't they love me anymore?” And without giving either of us a chance to answer, Pinkie vanished from the doorway.

“Continuous fire,” I muttered.

“What?” said a shell-shocked Trixie.

“Nevermind. Look, Twilight's been teaching you higher level spells, right?” She nodded. “Including teleportation?” She nodded again. “Then zap over to the barn and tell them things have gone wrong! Instant Transmission is the only thing that could possibly be faster than Pinkie in this situation.”

“But, what about you?”

“If you feel that you can carry me with you, then go ahead. Otherwise send Twi back to grab me as soon as you can.” I kissed her at the base of her horn. “Go.”

She snapped out of the minor stupor the closest thing to a first kiss between us had brought on her, then concentrated on a spell, popping away a few moments later. I brushed the soot off my coat and face, then hurried up the stairs to Pinkie's balcony.

Hopefully, I'd be able to see her if she's still somewhere in town. My attention was stolen by a rainbow contrail rising from Sweet Apple Acres, which quickly started buzzing the skies. And with a pop and flash of purple light, Twilight appeared in front of Pinkie's house. I rushed down to the front door to meet her.

“I see Dash is looking for her from the sky,” I said. “Do we have any way of narrowing down the search radius?”

“Not really, no. And since Pinkie isn't the only pink pony in Ponyville, she's got plenty of camouflage to make her way to wherever she's going.”

“Argh. Maybe you guys should have gone to the after-birthday thing while I did the errands. She said that she was suspicious because I'm not a party person and still decided to show up.” I shook my head. “Nevermind. Hindsight is twenty-twenty after all.”

While Dash was scanning in the air, Twilight and I (and the others, I presume) were looking everywhere at ground level. Even if Pinkie didn't have to stick to normal physics, we were going to cover all of our bases. I even asked some of the animals (squirrels and birds and the like) that were hanging around to help with the search, and to find Fluttershy if they found Pinkie.

Every animal in Ponyville knew Fluttershy, just as Pinkie knew every pony and non-pony resident.

That thought prompted me to ask the Ponyvillians if they had seen Pinkie. To my consternation, the answer was usually “no” or “not recently.”

Salvation came when a robin flew down in front of us, chirped a few times, and started guiding us through the streets, stopping every once in a while to make sure we were close behind.

We arrived at the Ponyville Train Station at the same time as everyone else. We rushed in as one big crowd and just barely managed to tackle-hug Pinkie from buying a ticket.

My everything was sore at that point.

Twilight then showed her magical prowess by casting a Mass Teleport that deposited the whole group back at the Sweet Apple Acres barn.

“Let me go!” cried Pinkie. “You don't want me anymore, so let me leave!”

“Pinkie, why do you think we don't want you?” asked Twilight.

“You sent Joe and Trixie to distract me just so you could do something behind my back, huh? I should have seen right through those flimsy excuses the moment you gave them!”

Especially Rarity's, I didn't say.

“And now you've brought me here to this farewell party, and I'm supposed to believe you don't want me?!”

“Pinkie,” I sighed. “This isn't a farewell party. You're so concerned with everyone else, you forgot about you.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?” she growled. I responded by patting her head.

“Happy Birthday, Pinks. This is your surprise party.”

Pinkie paused. Twitched. Then exploded with happiness and confetti (ow, my hand) as she started bouncing around the barn, before landing in the middle of the mini-herd and gathering us all into another rib-creaking hug.

“I'm so sorry I doubted you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“We're your friends. And friends are always there for each other.”

“Wow, that was sappy,” snarked Twilight.

“I nicked it from Digimon: the Movie, so blame Bob Bucholtz, or Jeff Nimoy, or whoever it was that did the script. Anyways, we gots a party to enjoy!”

A party I spent sitting on a hay bale, digesting cake, while everyone else danced. I did have some ice cream, though.

There's always room for ice cream.

Author's Note

I hit inspiration a few days ago, but kept getting distracted by participating in the Infinite Loops stuff. And now Fair Week is here, so I'll be a while on the next chapter, too. Also, I've gone back to the first chapter/prologue and did a little editing after realizing that Pinkie has her own house, and doesn't live on the second floor of Sugarcube Corner with the Cakes.

I've reached the Fifth Doctor, by the way. I'm gonna miss Four.

In other news, I'm playing Tomodachi Life (curse you Zoey Proasheck for bringing it to my attention!). Half my tenets are The Doctor and the other half are Mii-ified Ponies, most of which are dating Doctors (the main exceptions being Trixie married to Doctor Whooves, which is barely one, and Big Mac dating Princess Luna, which is terribly amusing).

For the heck of it, I've snuck in a reference I'm wondering if anyone will get. It's a multi-lingual one, though the other language is fictional.

Next chapter is already partly written and it's a gaming chapter!

Or is it...?

Chapter 32: May 13, Test of Metal

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 32: May 13, Test of Metal

I had arrived at Twilight's an hour early to finalize her character. She had it almost entirely complete, including an extensive backstory (certainly more thorough than anyone else), which meant I had the final step to complete of figuring out what its mana colours were.

Also, I always preferred to arrive early to everything.

Her character was, only somewhat surprisingly, a stereotypical wizard: old man with long beard, robe, staff and pointy hat. His name was initially going to be a play off Starswirl (Night Spiral or something like that), but I asked her to try and make it a more human name, giving a list of examples of famous Earth wizards (that conversation took all of an afternoon). Had I remembered enough of the various languages I know smatterings of, I would have suggested just translating her original intention to German or something. Best I could do was Al Bhed, though, and “Cdyncfenm” doesn't flow very well.

Eventually, we settled on Emrys Springfield, borrowing names from The Lost Years of Merlin and Mahou Sensei Negima.

Considering her backstory and set-up, this character was very definitely Blue, with little room for other colours. Which vaguely surprised me, as I thought Twilight would have included some White mana as well, considering her almost fanatical devotion to Princess Celestia (must not make Monty Python joke).

Our conversation on names actually revealed some interesting information to me: I had brought up the process of pasteurization, which had been named after Louis Pasteur on Earth, and basically asked which came first: the pony or the process.

She then told me that pasteurization on their world had not been invented by a pony (but the process actually came first in most instances). Instead they actually have a France, and the inventor was still named Pasteur. The natives of this world's France (still known as France), curiously, were a variety of amphibious dragons called gargoyles, which were ruled over by Les Gargouilles, a sea dragon who guided the ocean currents in much the same way that Celestia and Luna guided the sun and moon.

I had already known that griffins were the equivalent to Germany, and zebras were from Zebafrica but it was interesting to find out that there were other similarities out there. There wasn't a “Bitaly,” but rather the sea serpent nation of Itl'nty. Saddle Arabia was more a generalized middle east, rather than a straight-up Saudi Arabia expy, and dragons were a sort of fusion between Russian and Romani culture, from what little was known about their culture. Minotaurs and centaurs shared a homeland in Mesánychta, which was pretty heavily Grecian. Their current ruler was apparently a strange minotuar, but very little was known about him.

Anyways, I'm getting vaguely off-topic here. We set up for the game (Spike providing snacks), adjourning to a side wing of the library, as normal.

“Alright, when we left off, Jace had left you guys behind on a Plane called 'The Realm of Light,' with the task of finding him within that Plane. Looking around you, there seems to be nothing but grasslands as far as the eye can see, with a dirt path stretching from below you in two directions.”

“So we just have to find him?” asked Spike. I nodded. “Did he leave any clues?”

“None that you can see.”

Trixie raised a hoof. “I'll spend a Blue effort to scan the area for his mana signature.”

“You find that the area seems almost perfectly balanced between all the colours of mana, but the area he was standing in has a slightly higher concentration of Blue mana than the surroundings.”

Pinkie said, “'He did say that this plane was like a smaller version of the multiverse. Maybe we have to Planeswalk to find him?'”

“'I'll give it a try,'” volunteered Trixie. She glanced at her notes and did some mumbled math. “I'll spend five mana effort into my novice Planeswalking skill for a total of six.”

I grabbed the rulebook to check what the rules said about overdoing a skill (she only needed three effort to 'Walk through the Realm of Light). The rules said to give additional effects based on the amount of overkill. Hmm. I could work with this. “As you feel yourself sliding out of the world, you catch a brief glimpse of a starry expanse before you find yourself being buffeted by the chaos of the Blind Eternities.”

Trixie blinked in surprise. “Wait, what?”

“You put so much effort into Planeswalking that you've 'Walked right out of the Realm of Light.” Trixie facehoofed.

“I guess I'll try to go back, then.”

“You find yourself in a different location than you left, the edge of a small island suspended in nothing, covered in hedges with a single tall, orange-and-yellow tower at the other end. The area is heavy in White, Blue, and Black mana. You also take a fatigue damage from over-exerting yourself.

“As for the rest of you,” I add, turning to the other party members. “You just saw Dawn vanish in a burst of blue that felt much deeper than what Jace did moments before. All you know is that she said she was going to try and find Jace by Planeswalking.”

“Great,” said Dash. “We split the party. Didn't you say never split the party at some point?”

“Possibly.”

“Well, the best we can do is try and follow, too,” said Pinkie. “And since I don't have as much mana as Dawn did, Peregrin's attempt at Planeswalking should go much better. So I put two mana into Planeswalking.”

“And with your skill rank of Novice you get a free effort, which means that you find yourself in a starry expanse. Three of the stars are actually quite close, and another one is behind you. Looking closely at them allows you to see that they're not quite stars, exactly, but shining worlds with distinguishing features that you can see even from there.”

“What kind of distinguishing features?” asked Spike.

“You don't know, as you aren't there.” Spike just rolled his eyes in response. “As you float in the strange space, you notice that there's a current of some form, not as wild or dangerous as the Blind Eternities, but still subtly pushing you towards the star behind you.”

“I guess I'll follow it back,” said Pinkie, “and show the others what I've learned.”

“While you do that, I'll return to Trixie's adventure.”

Trixie nodded, “I'll approach the tower.”

“The tower is even more awash in Blue mana than the rest of the area. Whoever lives here is more than likely a powerful spellcaster with a great deal of knowledge. One of the two large doors on the front is ajar.”

“I guess I should take that as an invitation. I'll go inside.”

“The entrance has a spiral staircase, a glowing green circle on the floor, and an elderly gentleman in blue. He carries a staff and both it and his clothes, including the pointed hat, are festooned with bells. He carries a similar feeling of similarity as your teammates.”

“'Oh, hello,'” said Twilight, trying to emulate an elderly male voice (and barely failing). “'Are you here to see Master Yen Sid as well?'”

“'Who?'” asked Trixie.

“'Are you lost, then?'”

“'Somewhat. I'm looking for my allies and our teacher. My name is Dawn Starre, by the way.'”

“'Emrys Springfield. Now, I wonder what's taking so long. I've been waiting here for half an hour.'”

Trixie steeled herself. “'I'm going to go up now. If you want to keep waiting, it's up to you.' And with that, I'll start up the stairs.”

Twilight nodded, “Emrys will follow her.”

“After a single revolution around the tower, you come upon a door bearing a glowing moon. When you open it, you enter a small room with another moon-bearing door on the other side. After Emrys enters the room, the door you just came through slams shut and a glowing purple field covers both of them. And then, in a burst of grey, several strange figures rise from the ground. They look like people distorted by a fun house mirror and turned grey. Instead of faces, they have a zipper and a strange barbed symbol.”

“Do they seem to be hostile?”

“You can't tell at a first glance.”

“I'll do a quick scan with an effort,” said Trixie.

“While they do have a mana signature, you can't detect a colour from them.” Trixie paled slightly. I'd said near the start of things how everything is supposed to have a mana colour, with very few exceptions. I had been rather tight-lipped on the exceptions, which she took to mean that it was important to the campaign. “Also, immediately after you cast your detection spell, the four things start moving towards you. One wiggles through the air, another takes exaggeratedly large steps, another follows suit, but upside-down, and the last turns around before it approaches with similar steps.”

Twilight grabbed a pencil and did some writing. “I think I'll spend two Blue mana to try and slow them down.”

Trixie followed suit with, “I'll use two Red mana to burn them up.”

“After your simultaneous castings, the creatures come out of the smoke cloud moving at a quarter of their original pace and covered in burn marks.” I paused, then glanced over my notes. “You know, too much combat kinda caused my first GMing experience to fall through. I'm absolutely certain that you guys can take out every enemy that would come up in the tower, even with Trixie being the only offensive force you have right now. Is that alright, or would you rather slog on?”

Trixie and Twilight glanced at each other then looked at the other players, who were looking somewhat bored. Rainbow Dash was even nodding off. Twilight answered, “We can skip it.”

“Okay. Something of note while you were climbing the tower: between the rooms with the battles in, you find yourselves on a staircase floating in the air with a door at the other end. None of the doors are in walls. After passing through the last door, you enter a room with a desk in the centre, a man similar in appearance to Emrys seated in the large wooden chair behind it, but where Emrys' cloak and hat are festooned with bells, his are covered in stars and moons. 'Greetings,' he says. 'I have been expecting you. I apologize for the unwelcome guests.'”

“'Master Yen Sid, my name is Emrys Springfield. I'd heard of you some time ago and came seeking to learn from you.'” Twilight said.

“Yen Sid nods, then turns to Dawn.”

“I'm Dawn Starre. I was separated from some friends of mine and I don't know where to find them.”

“'I regret to inform you, Mr. Springfield, that I am not seeking to take a new apprentice at this time. Your problem, however, Miss Starre, I may be able to help with. Where did you last see your friends?'”

“'It was a place covered in grasslands and a long dirt path.'”

“'Ah, I know exactly of where you speak. It was once known as the Land of Departure.' With a gesture, a glowing sphere appears to the left of you. 'This should take you there. I would join you, but I am expecting more company soon. Mr. Springfield. If you truly wish to learn something new, I would recommend leaving with her. You might be surprised.'” Twilight nodded and I turned back to the others. “As you decide...” I trailed off on seeing that Rainbow Dash had actually fallen asleep, and Spike was leaning against her in a similarly drowsy state. I sighed.

“Wake up, Spike, Dashie! It's our turn again!” said Pinkie.

Spike snapped awake, but Dash remained sleeping.

I sighed again. “You know what? I'm sorry, but this just isn't turning out the way I hoped it would. I guess I'm just not a very good GM.”

“What do you mean?” asked Trixie.

“I'm sorry to do this after you've just joined, Twi, but... I don't think we'll be doing this again.”

Twilight rubbed the back of her head (another habit she picked up from me), “It's okay. I was interested mostly because you were meeting here.”

“So, where was this going to go?” asked Spike. “What were you planning?”'

“Well, you guys would find Jace on a desert world covered in strange blades. He'd be discussing something with someone you wouldn't see about how something called the Eldrazi had been released and that it was partially his fault. The reason being that there's a corpse of an Eldrazi in the wasteland and it, like that world itself, would be completely drained of mana, which he would blame on an artifact called the Warlock's Wheel. That would have turned out to be a modified version controlled by a monstrous dragon named Nicol Bolas, who seeks to become a full-fledged god by draining the mana out of the Eldrazi, which crush things with their presence. After you guys beat him, hopefully, you would have caused a Mending-level event, making Planeswalkers back into the almost-gods they were before the Mending. The reason you guys felt not-like-Planeswalkers to the ones you met aside from each other was because you were on the cusp of that power yourselves.”

“Huh.”

“Honestly, the main reason I came up with this campaign in the first place was all the references I put in that I knew my friends back on Earth would get, like Spira or Gilgamesh, which are both from the Final Fantasy series.” I rolled up my game notes scroll. “Sorry to waste your guys' time.”

“It wasn't a waste of time,” said Pinkie. “We had fun while it lasted, and that's what matters.”

“Thanks, Pinks.”

The air in the room quickly started feeling awkward, which wasn't helped by Dash's light snores.

Author's Note

Sorry this took forever, but I started out with something I'd had written, then scrapped it for use in a later chapter because it didn't feel right in this one, then I got smacked in the face with writer's block, then came the roller coaster that's been the last month.

I got a part as Doctor Sanderson in the local presentation of Harvey, then I enrolled in the H & R Block Income Tax Course, then my computer's power jack stopped recognizing when it was plugged in, then I got a girlfriend, then my briefcase containing all 23 of my Magic decks was stolen out of the back seat of my car. After that, almost all of my time has been taken up with play practice, tax class, and my girlfriend. Even after I got a new-ish computer with some help from the best gramma ever.

Everything should be better with the last two chapters of season one.

Next chapter: The Best Night Ever...?

Chapter 34: May 25; 28, The Show Stoppers

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 34: May 25; 28, The Show Stoppers

One episode left until the end of season one. Which meant one big event more until the release of Discord. I was feeling apprehensive. I didn't know the schedule of Discord's release, save for the catalyst seeming to be the CMC fighting in front of him, which hadn't happened yet. In fact, in attempting to make discreet inquiries about the class trip to Canterlot, I found that their summer vacation was going to start in less than two weeks. Which meant that the trip wasn't likely to happen until the start of the next school year, in August.

The best I could do was try and prepare, but there was very little on Discord in any of the books in the library. I didn't want to take a trip to Canterlot to look for him in their archives, considering I still didn't know the range of his senses while petrified – and I didn't want to tip him off that I was apprehensive. It felt silly to be worried about what was going to happen, since I had been doing my best to preserve the timeline, but he was still the “spirit of chaos and disharmony.” I was hopeful that I was only speaking a half-truth about his unpredictability, but not certain.

But just in case, I wanted to learn about him. There was one book I could think of that might hold some information, but I didn't know where to find it: the hidden book that knew of the Alicorn Amulet and the Mirror Pool. All I knew was that it was hidden behind a false wall locked by a horseshoe-shaped switch hidden behind some books.

My musings were interrupted by Trixie coming home from her magic lessons. She had gotten further with her classes with Twilight, becoming a “Journeymare Transmuter.” She got a bit more enthusiastic about the lessons since the night of the Gala, especially after we learned that the anthropomorphizing spell was being tweaked some.

Apparently, it was being made into an all-purpose polymorph spell, which was making the spell easier to develop. The researchers were confident that it would be completed at the end of next year, maybe by the next Summer Sun Celebration. So it was Trixie's hope that she'd not only be able to turn human for me, but she would be able to turn me into a pony for her.

I wasn't 100% sure how to feel about that.

“Looks like we're starting on the last event,” she said.

I blinked, “Huh?”

“Yep. The Crusaders were in the library when Twilight and I came back from a quick lunch. Cheerliee met us on the way back to talk about the talent show. Apparently, some of the students wanted to learn some tricks from us for it.”

Oh, right. I had told Trixie about a few of the episodes. I had kind of forgotten about that. “Thanks for letting me know. It is comforting to know we're closer to the mutable events.”

“You never did tell me why you couldn't change anything until what you called 'Lesson Zero.'”

“Sore wa himitsu desu.” I chanted, holding a finger up to my mouth, imitating Xelloss from Slayers.

“What?”

“That's a secret. As long as everything goes according to plan, with no huge deviations to what I've seen in the show, I might be able to use an upcoming event to do something really good. But everything needs to be pretty near close to 'canon' to pull it off.”

“So you can't tell us without potentially ruining your plans.” Trixie sighed.

“Yeah. Sorry.” I gave her a hug and we set about making dinner/lunch (lunch based on our sleep schedule, dinner based on everyone else's). After some dinner and some chatting, Trixie was off to work, while I whiled away my time in what had become my (relatively) new past-time: reading fan mail.

I knew, of course, that none of the stories that my readers were enjoying were mine and therefore I couldn't really take credit for it, but it was still heartening to see how ponies, griffins, donkeys, mules, etc. loved the works from Earth.

While I read, I started making plans for using the talent show to help me find the book. Since I didn't want to tip anypony off about it, potentially throwing a spanner in the works of the timeline, I had to be discreet upon actually finding the book. I knew that it was Spike who originally found it, so it had to be in a shelf around his height, which meant waist-height for me.

First thing I needed to do, then, was make sure that I could get into the library while no one was there the night of the talent show. Scratch that, first I needed to find out the actual night of the talent show, then I needed to make sure I could get into the library. I kinda doubted that Twilight would just let me have a key, and I knew Trixie didn't have one, despite her spending more time over there than pretty much anypony that didn't already live there.

Which meant either checking to see if I could paperclip/screwdriver my way in, like I used to do with my sister Colleen's then-boyfriend-last-I-knew-husband's box of Gamecube games he didn't want anyone playing without his permission (which also meant finding out if paperclips were actually a thing in Equestria), or literally gumming up the latch. The paperclip would be preferable, because it had less chance of being discovered-

Wait.

I stopped in the middle of a letter from a hippogriff about how much he liked Harry saving Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban as I realized something.

“Bacardi?” I said. My bat poked his head out of the ceiling. “I want to ask if you can do something for me.”

With a flap of his wings he launched himself across the room and perched on the arm of the sofa, then cocked his head quizzically and said, “Chirp?”

“I was wondering. You're good with soundwaves, right?”

“Chirr,”' he nodded.

“Do you think you could possibly hit a pitch capable of undoing locks?”

Bacardi looked stumped for a moment, then shrugged.

“Well, we probably have a couple of days before I'd need to use the skill, so we could experiment with it. But I have a need to get into the library discreetly.”

“Chirrup chirr chirp chirr,” Bacardi replied. At my blank look, he puffed himself up to an ovoid shape and went “Chirr-chirr. Chirr-chirr.”

“No, sorry. Still don't quite get it.”

And... he just face-winged. Rolling his eyes, he grabbed a letter in my pile of read fan mail and started looking it over. Just as I was about to ask him what he was on about (forgetting already that I couldn't understand him), he pointed at a spot on the paper with a wing.

“Hedwig?” I asked. He repeated the puffing himself up. “Oh! Ohhh, now I get it! Owlowiscious!” Bacardi clapped his wings and cheered, then started to half-purr as I scratched him on the head. “You, my friend, get extra treats tonight. Do you think, maybe, you could ask him about letting us in the night of the school talent show? There's a secret compartment I want to look for with a book in it. I just want to make sure he knows that I don't intend to steal anything. I'll even be returning that book eventually.”

Bacardi nodded as best he could while I scratched his back.

Excellent, I thought. With Owlowiscious' help, I should be in and out without any difficulty.

Ha.

I moved quickly but quietly through the night, Bacardi flapping silently at my side. It was quiet in Ponyville, most of the ponies likely at the talent show. It was fortuitous for me, though I stuck to the shadows as best I could.

Approaching the library, Bacardi flew into an open window, one that Twilight apparently left open for Owlowiscious to go hunting at night. I approached the front door and waited for a clicking sound, then levered it open as gently as I could. It wasn't entirely sure if it would creak. It usually didn't, but then again, I'm not usually trying to sneak in.

I then set about my long task of pulling books of the shelves, looking behind them, then putting them back as exactly as I could. I started on the bottom shelves, though I wasn't entirely sure that was the right place, since Spike was the one who found the book initially.

So once I was done with about half of the first of the bottom shelves, I decided to move up a little higher. Trying to remember how tall Spike was compared to me was surprisingly difficult without him present, but it wasn't entirely problematic.

Finally, I was halfway through my third shelf at just under waist height (pretty sure that's how tall he is), when I heard a voice coming from the stairway.

“Joe, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the talent show?”

Shit! I thought. Spike was home!

“And what about you?” I returned, looking over to him. And saw that he was wearing a towel about his waist.

“Just, ah, taking a bath,” he replied shiftily. “Nothing to worry about.”

“I take it seven hours are up, then? I hope there's still some hot water left for the rest of us.”

“How did you-? Oh, right. The show thing. But that still doesn't answer why you're here.”

Curses. “If you must know, there's a book I'm looking for that's not actually on the shelves. It's an important book for the future, so I couldn't just let someone know where it is.” I approached him and stared him in the eyes (much easier to do when he's halfway up the stairs). “Do you swear secrecy about this book?”

After a few tense moments of staring into each others' eyes, he nodded.

“Good,” I said, relaxing. “Because you're the one who found it originally all the way in season three. It contains information on old legends and stuff, and I want to make sure it has what I'm looking for.”

“What are you looking for?” asked Spike quickly getting the last of the water off his scales and tossing the towel on the stairs.

“Sore wa himitsu desu.” I said, just as I had for Trixie three days ago.

“What?”

“That's a secret.” I translated, in exactly the same manner. Becoming serious again, I continued. “What I'm looking for could have serious repercussions on the future if it isn't handled carefully. That's why I need to see what's in the book.”

Spike looked at me apprehensively, but nodded. “So you say I found it, then?”

“Yeah, so, I was trying to look at around your height, but my memory is faulty without aid, so I wasn't sure if I was looking at the right shelves. It's behind a secret panel with a horseshoe-shaped switch.”

Turns out, that Spike is actually about waist height, and his help in looking behind the books was invaluable. We couldn't be sure how long the talent show was going to take, though, so we hurried along.

Finally, after almost a full hour of hunting, Spike found it.

“Let's see,” I flipped it open to the table of contents (which didn't always exist in old books like these, so I was definitely glad to see it there), “A-B-C-yadda-yadda-M. Drat. No Mirror Pool, not the right book.”

I set the book down heavily and sighed. Spike came up beside me and looked himself. “It's not under 'M' for Mirror Pool, but 'L' for Legend of the Mirror Pond. You need to scan more carefully.”

I glanced back at the table of contents to see that he was right. I flicked my eyes back towards A and D (and found both “Alicorn Amulet” and “Discord,” as I'd hoped). “I'll take that under consideration. Thanks, Spike. Now remember, no one must know I have this book. It's important.”

“You can count on me!” Spike saluted. I put the book into my coat pocket and saluted back.

“Now, I should be getting on to the talent show. Thanks again, Spike.”

I arrived at the talent show with only half the CMC's theme to go, and I watched like I had been there the whole time. Which, considering the only pony who would be looking for me was Trixie, wasn't hard.

After the show was over and Trixie and I were back home, I quietly took the book out of my pocket.

Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. This Draconequus is the only known member of his species to live in Equestria, and is possibly the last of his kind...

Author's Note

Dammit. Dammit Dammit. This should NOT have taken me six months to finish! Seriously, I got to the halfway point and then I was suddenly stuck. Couldn't write a word for it. Then, yesterday, while I was at work, I was struck by inspiration!

'Bout bloody time.

Anyways, I'm planning on moving to season two and up eventually, but it's going to be a while simply because I want to have a chapter buffer of at least three chapters to be certain that I don't leave you guys hanging like this again. What I mean by that, is if I'm having trouble with a chapter, I will still have the next one to be posted ready just in case. So chapters for the next part will come up once I've written three chapters ahead or the next month, whichever comes first (and after the story is actually published, too).

And speaking of the next part...

Coming Eventually:
“Hello, Discord.”
“Then we have an accord!”
“If one of us breaks the terms of the wager, they instantly lose.”
“Joe, what happened to your hand?”
“Come on, just tell me what you're doing!”
“...Trixie?”
“What do you think? It's so much more peaceful without her loud mouth, isn't it?”
“Yes... Master Discord...”
I knew this place. It was my mind.

YET ANOTHER HUMAN IN EQUESTRIA STORY
PART TWO: SEASON OF CHAOS

“I win.”

Prologue: June 19, Stranger In A Strange Land

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Prologue: June 19, Stranger In A Strange Land

“What do you think he is, Angel?” asked Fluttershy. Odd. I had just finished what I considered the Extended Brony Challenge (which included the documentary and both Anthologies as well as seasons one, two, and three. Twenty-seven hours of Ponies), and I'm pretty sure she never said a line like that in the show. There was an odd chittering sound, and I blinked my eyes open.

“Well, yes, he could be female, but I'm pretty sure- Oh! He's waking up!” And directly above me was not my ceiling, nor was it a pillow or my Flutter-plushy.

“Okay,” I said, looking into Fluttershy's eyes. “Either I'm dreaming, or I'm in Equestria. I'm not sure which of those scares me more.”

“Oh, you can speak!” she gasped, fluttering back.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can speak. And if I'm dreaming, this is the most lucid dream I've ever had.” A white shape moved out of the corner of my eye, and a sharp pain flowed up my arm. “Yow!”

“Angel! Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know what got into him.”

“I do. Pain means this isn't a dream.” I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose. “That leaves me with two questions: Where did you find me, and when are we?”

“Well, I found you on the edge of the Everfree Forest, but other than it being June 19th, I don't know what you mean about 'when are we.'”

“Of course it was the Everfree, that place must have some kind of dimensional instability or something. And the when, well, that requires I ask a question or two. Depending on the answers will tell me when I arrived. Let's see... You said it was the 19th of June, right?”

“Yes.”

“What can you tell me of the Mare in the Moon?”

“You mean the silhouette of a unicorn on the moon?”

“Yes. Interesting. Particularly the similarity of our calenders. I'm guessing the Summer Sun Celebration is in two days?”

“Um, yes?”

“And is there someone living in the library?”

“Not that I know of.”

“That leaves one thing to test, then I'll explain.”

“Um, okay.”

I stood up, surprised when I discovered Fluttershy came up to my chest. Not such a little pony after all, even if I was only just over five and a half feet tall. In fact, the ceiling was easily high enough that I could actually stand up straight without running into it.

I started, “Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-”

“FOREVER!” Pinkie finished, bursting out of a mouse hole.

“And that's one theory confirmed. And Pinkie, before you go off to throw me a party, let me speak to both you and Fluttershy.”

“How do you...?”

“Know your names? That's part of the explanation.” And with that I sat down on the couch again. “I'm what's called a human, scientific name Homo Sapiens Sapiens. In my world, there are well over 6 billion humans living on the planet, which we call Earth.”

Fluttershy's eyes widened at the number, while Pinkie perked up, “Hey! That's just like-” I held up my hand.

“Please, don't interrupt. At home it was February 19th, A.D. 2013, and I had just finished watching a marathon of one of my favourite shows, called 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.' You two are two of the main characters in that show.” Fluttershy's already wide eyes widened even further, and her coat seemed to turn white, while Pinkie smiled hugely.

“From the questions I had just asked Fluttershy, I have determined that I have arrived in episode one of season one. Interestingly, at this point in the show, it's focusing on a different character. If I was just following the show, I'd have probably landed on Twilight during the opening narration.”

“Who?”

“Oh, she'll be here tomorrow. If I haven't interfered in your schedule too much by then, Pinkie will be the first to meet her. Fluttershy, you'll be the last. I'm going to wait until after the Summer Sun Celebration to tell you much more, because I'll be telling Princess Celestia everything at the same time.”

“So, what are you going to do now?”

I glanced down at myself. I was wearing what I had worn to bed. Thankfully, I had decided to wear pyjamas that morning, which meant I had on my Super Mario pants and Elements of Harmony t-shirt, with my class ring still on my left middle finger. I wish I had my computer with me, though. All the things I'd show them...

“Well, I think step one is getting clothing, since this is all I have. Our world has a greater social stigma than yours about clothing and the lack thereof. Which means going to the Carousel Boutique. Unfortunately, I do not know the way.”

“I'll take you!” chirped Pinkie.

“Thanks, Pinkie. You should know, you are my fourth favourite character in the show.”

“Really?! Who are the others?” she gasped, her fore-hooves against her cheeks.

“Number three is Derpy Hooves. The reason being that she was created by the fans, and then she was suddenly an actual character in the show. Most of us were ecstatic, but a vocal minority claimed she was an 'ablest stereotype.' Whatever that means.

“Next up is a bit of a spoiler, so I'll skip number two. But, Fluttershy, you are my favourite of all the characters.”

“R-really?” she stuttered, blushing, hiding one eye behind her mane.

“Yes!” I smiled lightly. “You're just so adorable! I just wanna hug you!” I threw my arms wide. Her blush grew as she reached forward and hugged me. Her fur on my arms felt funny.

“Awww,” cooed Pinkie. After a second we broke the hug and I stood.

“Thanks for looking after me, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, it was no trouble at all,” she replied, blush still evident.

“Alright, Pinkie Pie, lead the way.” And with a bow to Fluttershy, I followed Pinkie outside. Everything was bright and vibrant, the colours far more lively than back on Earth, forcing me to squint. Looking over at the Everfree as best I could, I noted that the trees there looked the same shades of colour as home, despite the bright sunlight shining upon them.

“What's wrong with your eyes?” Pinkie asked, pronking alongside me. I bobbed my head to follow her eyes as we travelled. Thankfully, the dirt road wasn't too hard on my bare feet.

“I'm photosensitive. Means that bright lights, especially sunlight, hurt my eyes. I'm not sure which happened first: my sensitivity, or my tendency to spend my time in the dark.” She zipped over to a nearby tree along the path and rifled around the leaves a moment, before coming back with a pair of sunglasses.

“Let me guess,” I smiled as I put them on. “You have sunglasses stashed all over Ponyville, in case of sunglasses emergency.”

“Yeppers! That in your show, too?”

“Well, sort of. And it's not 'my' show.” I replied. Ah, blessed darkness. “So, uh, Pinkie. Are we just going to go straight into town, or are you going to take me a sneaky path to the Boutique?”

“Well, I guess that depends,” she murmured, tapping her chin. “How long do you think you'll be staying?”

I sighed and looked down. “Considering I don't know how I got here in the first place... I have no idea.”

“Then let's introduce you to everypony! That way, you won't have sneak around everywhere when you want to go places!”

“I guess it's a plan. I'll explain my other-worldly origins, but I don't think I'll mention the show to everyone. At least, not immediately.”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

We moved along for a while in mostly silence, Pinkie humming a random song of hers, when another question occurred to me.

“Hey, Pinkie, there's a few memes and ideas about you back home I want to double-check about.”

“Uh-huh.”

“First off, are you aware of the fourth wall?”

“It'd be awkward if I wasn't! I mean, staring into other ponies' houses like that would be rude!”

“It would, but that's not what I meant.” I hmmed for a moment. “Okay, you know how in a play, the stage has a wall behind it and the two off-stage wings?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, the characters aren't normally allowed to interact or react with the audience, so we refer to the side the audience is sitting on as 'the fourth wall.' The term has since expanded to include anything that can be watched or read, so that if a character speaks directly to the audience or the person reading, they are noted as being 'fourth wall aware' and are Breaking The Fourth Wall.”

“So, you're asking if I'm aware of that kind of fourth wall?”

“Yes.”

“Nope! I mean, there's some things I feel that others don't, but it's nothing like that.”

“Your Pinkie Sense, you mean.”

“Yep! You know about that?”

“There was a whole episode about it, actually. So, I know the signs for falling things, scary things, bees, opening doors, and beautiful rainbows. There was also one for the alligator in the tub, but I've forgotten that one.”

“So, why do you ask?”

“Oh, we've always made jokes about the idea that you were aware of us watching. It started in an episode where the animators had you looking the wrong direction, so that it seemed you were watching us watch you. Then there were all the times you interrupted the iris out-slash-fade to black at the end of the episode.”

“So what was the next question?”

I paused mentally. “You know, I think I've forgotten. Like Phoebe Kalinowski said once, 'I've got a memory like a steel trap: everything that goes in gets mangled.'”

Pinkie laughed at my appropriated joke and I looked ahead. There was Ponyville. Despite the length of our conversation, we hadn't even been walking for five minutes. Well, I was walking.

“Be right back!” Pinkie smiled and zipped off ahead. I kept walking at a fairly sedate pace. Then I heard the squeak of a bullhorn and Pinkie's voice echoed over the land. “EXCUSE ME EVERYPONY! BUT I'VE FOUND A NEW FRIEND WHO LOOKS REALLY WEIRD! SO DON'T BE ALARMED, HE'S REALLY VERY NICE! HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW LONG HE'LL BE STAYING, BUT RIGHT NOW HE JUST WANTS TO VISIT!” There was another squeak and the pink blur came back to join me.

“I guess I look kinda weird by your standards, don't I.”

“Omigosh, I didn't hurt your feelings did I?”

“Nah, I'm Proud to Be Wyrd. I spell that with a 'y' because I'm extra strange.”

She giggled. “You're funny.”

“Interesting, since I consider Laughter to be one of my weak points.” I blinked. “And by that, I mean I'm not that good at causing it and my laugh tends to scare people.”

“Well everypony's got some little quirk. Just look at me!”

“Pinkie, you're one big quirk.”

At that point we had actually reached town, and I saw ponies of all shades watching as I glanced around. One of the first ones I spotted that I recognized was Lyra, sitting at a booth with a drink in her hoof. She seemed to be looking around for someone, but when she glanced over in our direction she did something I didn't expect: she did nothing.

“Huh. Guess that's another thing down.”

“What?” asked Pinkie.

“Oh, due to how Lyra was sitting in one episode, we joked that she was obsessed with humans and wanted to be like us. But I just saw her look my way and not react at all. Is she, ah, 'with' Bon Bon?”

“No, it looks like she's sitting by herself! Why would you ask that if you can see her?”

“Er, I meant 'with' as in 'going out with.' Are they dating?” Pinkie's head just cocked sideways. “...Maybe I'll ask Rarity. She'd probably know.”

“Oh, so you know who Rarity is, too?”

“How else would I know the Carousel Boutique is where to go for new clothes? She's another of the main characters.”

“Wow, do I know everypony who's a main character?”

“I thought you knew every pony and non-pony in Ponyville.”

“Oh, silly me. I forgot!” I snorted a quiet laugh.

I attracted many curious gazes on my way through town, but most ponies noticed Pinkie beside me and took that as a sign to go about their business. I wonder if Zecora should have just talked to Pinkie before she tried coming to Ponyville. That could have solved so many problems.

When we finally reached the Boutique, I paused. “Uh, Pinkie? I just realized, I don't have any of your currency.”

“Oh, don't worry. Rarity's really understanding about that sort of thing. She'll probably figure out some way to pay her back another way.”

Right, Spirit of Generosity and all that. Hard to remember sometimes, considering how selfish she can seem in-show. It's not that I didn't like her, she just wasn't high on my favourites list. Pinkie knocked on the door in what was likely her own particular knock.

“Coming~,” sang Rarity, and with a glow of light blue magic, the door handle turned and opened. “Now what can I do for yo-wahahahaaa!”

Ah, yes. That laugh/cry noise she does. Pinkie frowned thoughtfully. “I thought everypony heard my message. This is my new friend...” she glanced up at me. “I don't think you ever said your name!”

I thought back. “You're right. I guess I just forgot. My name is Joseph Glenn McCord, but most everyone calls me Joe.” I bowed low, the way I had learned after years in the S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronisms). It was all very noble and polite.

“That's an interesting name,” Rarity commented, though she bowed back in the pony way.

“In the world I come from, pony names are the curious ones.”

“In any case, please come in, won't you?” She backed away, allowing Pinkie and I to enter. “What brings such an unusual client to the Carousel Boutique, hm?”

“Well, I have only arrived in Equestria today through means unknown to me, and I'm afraid these clothes are the only possessions I have.”

“And what curious clothes they are.” She stepped around me, looking my pyjamas up and down.

“Humans, that's my species, have a major social stigma against not wearing clothing, unlike ponies who normally wear little or none. So, I was wondering if it would be possible-”

“To have me make you clothing?”

“Why, yes. Unfortunately, I don't have any money, so...”

Pinkie suddenly hopped to the door. “Well, you two have shop to talk, and I've got a party to throw! I'll see you later, Joe!”

“Bye, Pinkie!” And with a quick wave, she was out the door. By the time I turned around, I already had a measuring tape up my arm. Rarity mumbled something I couldn't quite make out.

“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Joe,” said Rarity, moving the tape from my ankle to the top of my head, before she muttered again, only this time I understood her, “Hmm, five foot eight and three quarters.”

“Formally speaking, it would be 'Mr. McCord,' but you can just call me Joe. And, well, I don't know what you'd find interesting about me. I'm twenty-four years old, out of an average human lifespan of about ninety years. I figure I'm of average height, but a little heavier and rounder than most-”

“No, dear, I mean your interests.”

“Ah. My particular focus is that of stories. I figure that if I had a cutie mark like ponies do, it'd be a book with incomprehensible scribbles on the pages. Books aren't the only source, though. There's plays, television, movies, games of all sorts. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd be a writer. I even had a series of novels planned, though only two chapters of the first book were actually written.” By this time, Rarity had finished measuring and was moving about the shop with various fabrics in her magic.

“I should probably mention, my favourite colours are red and black.” Rarity stopped and went back to her fabrics, grabbing up those colours before laying them against me.

“They are a bit simple, but I can make it work.”

“I know. It comes time to tell you of the story I favour most at this time of my life. Pinkie and Fluttershy, who found me, already know of it. It was a television show on my world called 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.' You, and them, and a couple others, are the main characters.”

“Really?” she said, eyebrow raised.

“'Easiest way to convince someone you're from the future, is to tell them something you couldn't possibly know.' You are the Lady Rarity, whose younger sister is Sweetie Belle. You seek to be famous and a Canterlot noble married to Prince Blueblood. You got your cutie mark when a sonic boom shattered a rock your horn had dragged you to, revealing a plethora of gems within that you used to make the costumes for your school play shine.”

Her mouth hung open, the cloth she had carried laying against the floor.

“I apologize for being so blunt.” As if I had doused her with cold water, she snapped out of her stupor.

“I... I see. You truly do know who I am, then?”

“Yes. I know. If you would rather I not-”

“No, no, dear,” she demurred. “It was quite shocking, but, I suppose that means you just got a head start on being my friend.”

“Yeah, I'll just have to tell you more about my life to make up for it. I lived my life until I arrived here in a little city called Ionia in the state of Michigan in the United States of America...”

Several hours later, after taking a break to eat (no meat, but I didn't mind) and having several new outfits made, I left the Boutique and stood confused for a moment.

“Okay, where should I go next?” I muttered to myself. I was now dressed in a very comfortable outfit, having described human fashion and its similarities to pony fashion: a dress shirt that could be considered more crimson than just red (with ruby buttons) and black slacks that fit just right (though it felt odd to be without my wallet). Over all of it I wore an ankle-length coat with deep pockets and onyx buttons with a water-repelling enchantment on it. The added gemstones seemed a bit extravagant to me, but Rarity told me they were spare, relatively low-quality ones. And she decided to take the challenge of designing clothes for a non-pony of “such interesting proportions” as payment for making my clothing.

She's so much nicer in “person” than in the show.

As I stood there wondering, a gust of wind blew my new coat about, a flash of rainbow landing in front of me.

“So, I hear there's something strange and new in town,” said Rainbow Dash. “I'm guessing that's you.”

“Indeed it is.” She rose off the ground, her wing-beats almost knocking me off my feet as she stared me in the eye (save that my sunglasses were on).

“And just what are you doing here?”

“For now, I'm just visiting. But if I can't figure out how to get home, then I may become a permanent resident.”

“And what makes you think we'll let you stay?”

“I can be helpful.”

“Helpful how?” Rainbow landed on the ground again, wings still flared.

“I know the future. For instance, tomorrow a unicorn will come to town to make sure everything is ready for the Summer Sun Celebration. Her name is Twilight Sparkle. She will be a good friend to Ponyville.” Of course, I only know specific sections of the future, but this'd get Rainbow off my back until I could explain everything to Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six.

“We'll see, big guy. Catch you on the flip side!” And with a burst of speed that almost knocked me off my feet, Rainbow took off.

“...Big guy? I'm not even two feet taller than her.” I shook my head. “Well, that makes all the Mane Six save AJ and Twi. Maybe I should- ow ow ow...” I put my hand over my eyes. Bugger all, why'd my contacts have to act up now? I blinked several times trying to get the pain to go away. Okay, step the next: see if I can get some glasses or contacts. Crap. I still don't have any money. Glorious.

“Grah! Fine. If I'm gonna stay here, I'm going to need a job. Time to start-”

“Hiya!”

“-Searching. Hey, Pinkie. Don't suppose you overheard me just now.”

“Not really. I was just going to bring you to your Welcome to Ponyville party!”

“I just realized that if I'm going to stay here in Ponyville, I'll need a job. Otherwise, I'll be dependent on others for my entire stay. And that's just not fair to them.”

“Welllll, the Princess is going to be here for the Summer Sun Celebration, right? You can ask her if there's a job only someone like you can do for her! And for tonight, you can stay with me!”

“Are you sure the Cakes will be alright with that?”

“What do Mr. and Mrs Cake have to do with you staying at my house?"

A quick thought ran through my head before Pinkie tugged on my shirt. Pinkie doesn't live with the Cakes?

"Now, come on!”

I shrugged. “Alright, but I've never been much for parties. I tend to sit in the corner reading at the ones I've been to. I'm a bit of a loner at times.”

“Not much for parties? That's like saying you don't like chocolate!”

“I don't like chocolate.” Pinkie stopped, mouth hanging open. I shrugged. “I just lost taste for it years ago. I prefer sour and spicy things these days.”

That seemed to interest her. “It's a good thing I stocked hot sauce then!” We continued onward to the gingerbread house-like Sugercube Corner. As Pinkie and I entered, there was a pair of explosions from either side of the doors and confetti flew everywhere. I jumped and held up my hands to cover my face.

“Screaming darkness! Did they have to be so close to my head?”

“Sorry, I forgot you were taller than a pony.”

“It's alright Pinkie, I forgive you.” I glanced around the shop. “Not many ponies interested?”

“A lot of them still had work to do and will be by later, but that doesn't mean we can't start the party now!”

I was introduced to the Cakes, who were very nice and probably used to Pinkie making strange friends. Next, I properly introduced myself to Fluttershy, Applejack, and Big Macintosh, both of whom had been asked by Pinkie to provide some apple snacks. They couldn't stay long, as they were gearing up for nearby family coming over for the Summer Sun Celebration.

Derpy was there and we had a decent conversation about her job as a mailmare and her family, which was primarily just her, Dinky, and Sparkler. Turns out she didn't have a relationship with Time Turner (A.K.A. Doctor Whooves), who also had no actual relation to the Doctor.

Curses.

After a few minutes of chatting, she asked me why I hadn't said anything about her eyes, since they were usually the first thing ponies asked about. The only question I had was about how well she could see with her eyes like that, and she said that she normally saw pretty well, but sometimes her eyes, both of which were “lazy,” would slide in a different direction and she'd lose track of where she was going.

I sampled some of the food, but explained that I had just had lunch with Rarity and couldn't eat much. I was then informed (by Rarity, who had just arrived ahead of a crowd of others) that it was technically dinner, and evening was approaching fast.

I was introduced to everypony, and gave an abridged summary of my pre-Equestrian life, leaving out the mention of the show as I had decided.

An hour later, the party wrapped up, and Pinkie led me to her house, where I was introduced to Gummy and his lack of teeth was introduced to my hand. We then went upstairs and she opened the door to her room.

I looked at the balloons floating on the ceiling and picked out a cookbook to glance over as Pinkie settled into bed. I glanced around.

“Er, Pinkie, where might I be sleeping?”

“With me, silly!” I blinked rapidly. An opportunity a particular faction of the Herd might kill for.

“Well, I tend to find the floor a more comfortable place to sleep than a bed. Also, I, ah, can't sleep at night. I tried, but I can't manage to sleep until after five in the morning.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment before springing out of bed and zipping to her closet, where she pulled out a sleeping bag and pillow.

“In case of slumber parties,” she explained. “Well, slumber parties with more guests than bed space.”

“Thanks, Pinkie. As... unfortunate... as it sounds, I almost feel more at home here than I did at home.”

My back popped mightily as Pinkie bounded over to me and hugged me tight. Oh, that hurt so good... I sighed in pleasure and hugged her shoulder with my chin, since my arms were captured by her forelegs.

“I hope you can at least visit your home, or here when you get home, eventually,” she whispered.

“So do I. So do I.”

Author's Note

Okay, watching “What Dreams May Come” while writing this made me think that "I" wound up dying and my heaven is/was Equestria (Though, I've already figured out how "I" got there, and it wasn't death). Anyways, welcome to my latest attempt at a story. I have several others over on Fanfiction.net under the pen name of “Shadic the Hedgehog, Author.”

*Pronking is the term for how some animals move, and is performed by both Pinkie and Pepe le Pew.

There are several things about this story I'm hoping will make it unique in comparison to other Human in Equestria stories (despite the title):

1: Instead of going in episode order, I'm using the chronology by TheLastGerkin over on deviantart. That means that after the Series Premier over the next two chapters, I'll be doing Griffon the Brush Off, followed by Look Before You Sleep, then Boast Busters and so on.
B: The calender matches Earth's, including the fact that, to “my” later surprise, the year is 2010 AD. The reasoning will be given when I find out about that in-story.
III: The entire story will be from my perspective, and I won't always be around when some of the main events of an episode are taking place. I've yet to figure out how I'm supposed to factor into Look Before You Sleep, but I'm working on it.
●: I will have an active influence on the timeline, with the Butterfly Effect in greater use than might be immediately apparent. As well, there will be some chapters that don't correspond with episodes, such as one I'm thinking of full of homesickness and angst.

Thanks for reading!

Chapter 15: August 30-September 1, Green Isn't Your Color

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 15: August 30-September 1, Green Isn't Your Color

Clack!

My arm vibrated as Trixie's levitated training sword impacted the shield on it, and I swept it aside with the shield and lunged, the tip of my own training sword (made of wood heavier than the real sword that had been forged for me) barely brushing her mane as she ducked down. Immediately after, I brought the sword back in time to block a swing from Trixie's other sword.

To explain, I had gotten The Hobbit to the publishers (including an appendix with definitions lifted from The Complete Guide to Middle Earth) a few days ago, just in time for my commissioned sword and shield to arrive from Hoofington. And so, Trixie, having been taught some unicorn sword techniques while working at a theatre, had begun my instruction in swordplay. She preferred to fight florentine, but still knew sword-and-board techniques.

She tended to aim for the bruises I already had from the previous day's training, too, to get me to close the holes in my defences. I had a lovely welt just above my ear still lingering from two days ago. I almost thought she was taking out her lack-of-romance frustrations on me.

“Well done,” she said, sitting back, moving her training swords to float beside her. “Your spatial awareness is coming along nicely.”

I settled back, keeping my shield up in case this was a “don't let your guard down” test. Dark Souls rules 1 and 2: Keep Your Shield Up. After a few moments, Trixie nodded and sheathed the swords, acknowledging my readiness, prompting me to put my own equipment away.

“We're done for this afternoon. Now, I believe there was some shopping to do?” We started back towards the house to hang up the training equipment in the pantry, then turned and headed back out.

“Yeah, we're out of eggs, carrots, milk, and some of those leafy greens you seem to enjoy so much,” I said, checking the shopping list in my pocket, smirking as I saw Trixie blush lightly out of the corner of my eye. To explain, again, Trixie had a tendency to set fire to the cooking oil when frying hay (the recipe was in Spike's cookbook); I barely averted a house fire the first time by tossing some greens into the pan and keeping her from pouring water on it, knowledge gleaned from Good Eats (the show) and SHUFFLE! (the anime).

Turns out she did enjoy the now-fried greens, too.

Anywhoozle, reaching town revealed an interesting sight: Rarity had a rack of pony clothes in the park, Fluttershy looking nervous beside her in what looked to me like a disco suit.

“Oh, dear,” I muttered. “I need to talk to Fluttershy for a moment, excuse me.” I walked away as Trixie looked on with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, Joe, we haven't seen you for a while, how are you?” asked Rarity.

“I'm doing all right. Trix and I are just out shopping and I thought of something I needed to say to Fluttershy.” Fluttershy looked up at me. “If you ever need a place to hide away and relax, my door's always open.”

Both ponies looked at me with confusion, but Fluttershy nodded in acknowledgement anyways. I waved as I left.

“Future event?”

“Yep. We've got a reluctant celebrity in the park, so I gave Shy a standing invitation to pop in if she feels overwhelmed, which she will.”

“So how is Twilight involved in this?”

“Both of them confide in her to keep their disgruntlement with the situation a secret, and she Pinkie Promises them not to say anything. The fun part is that this episode really reflects Pinkie's ability to bend reality.”

“I know she can predict impending events, but bending reality?”

“For instance...” I glanced around, and noted the openness of the marketplace. You'd be able to see anypony coming from this spot. “Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-”

“For-EVER!” finished Pinkie, as expected, popping up between me and Trixie.

“Hey, Pinks.” I greeted, Trixie looking wide-eyed in amazement.

“What's up?”

“A direction.”

“Right, how silly of me! Anyways, you called?”

“Just showing Trixie your ability to ignore the laws of physics.”

Trixie managed to find your voice just then, “How did you... You didn't walk up or teleport! You were just... there!”

“Oh, that's nothing. At the end of the episode she shows up in a mirror without being in the room itself.”

“I do? That sounds fun. I wonder if they eat dessert first in the mirror world.”

“Hey, if you have Wonderland Pasta, bring me some.”

“Okie Dokie Lokie!” Pinkie said, before hopping off into the distance.

Trixie shook her head in amazement. “That is the strangest pony I have ever met. How does she do that?”

“I don't know. She already denies knowledge of the Fourth Wall, so it isn't something like that. But, maybe someday, I'll find out.”

We continued through the market, only taking an hour or so to get everything on the list, plus a couple extra spur-of-the-moment items. On the way back, we both noticed Rarity trudging along towards Carousel Boutique, the rack of clothes and the changing screen floating alongside her seeming almost despondent themselves.

I took a deep breath, looked away, and kept walking.

“Not even going to reassure her?” Trixie whispered.

“I've decided that to really adhere to my non-interference policy, and to keep my foreknowledge from driving me back into depression, that when an episode comes up I'm going to go about my business as normal, and pretend that nothing special is going on unless somepony actually asks for my help.”

“And yet you extended a standing invitation to Fluttershy.”

“That's... Okay, you got me there, but fame isn't all it's cracked up to be from the shy point of view. The reason I wanted to be a voice actor was because I enjoy acting, but I never wanted to be famous. I've seen what fame can do to people.” Paparazzi, drugs, alcohol... I wanted none of that, especially the media side of things. “I'll still lend a hand when I can, but I can't hold theirs – you know what I mean – if they're to learn anything.” Once again that phrase flitted through my head and I chuckled.

“What...'s so funny?” She'd already learned my “the word” game.

“That same phrase seems to be the running gag of my life so far.” I snorted. “Then there's the silly-yet-morbid version that doesn't have a right time to say when teaching someone.”

“Silly-yet-morbid?”

“Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Trixie missed a step, stumbling slightly as she processed that. “Is that what passes for humour on Earth?”

“Depends on the audience, really. I prefer deadpan snarking, decent puns, deliberate randomness, and tasteful slapstick.”

We continued to chat on the way home, and I, at least, was well aware of the impending Flutter-craze.

“Joe, have you seen this?” asked Trixie, coming back from work the next day (or two, depending on how you calculate the next day). In her magic was a bottle of something with Fluttershy's image on it.

“Considering I don't do much with alcohol, probably not. But, I know what you're on about, and it's an expected development,” I said. I had a scroll spread over the dining room table, notes for my first Active Exploits campaign written on it. It was something I had planned back on Earth, but I hadn't managed to interest my friends in it enough to actually get to play it.

“So this is what you were talking about. I would have expected Fluttershy to back out of something like this immediately.”

“Unfortunately, due to Rarity's ambition, Fluttershy feels she absolutely has to stay in the spotlight.”

“That... Doesn't really make sense.”

“I know, but it's what's going on. Fluttershy doesn't want to tell Rarity otherwise because Rarity insists that it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and 'she must.' And Rarity can't really live in the spotlight through Fluttershy like she hoped, so she becomes jealous, and doesn't want to tell Fluttershy because she thinks Fluttershy is enjoying it.”

Trixie stood there in silence for a few seconds before shaking her head. “Well, I'm off to bed. I had a tough night.”

“Alrighty. I'll likely be off to bed soon myself. Have a good sleep.” Trixie yawned and waved a hoof as she headed off to the back room. After waiting a couple seconds, I pulled out my anthropomorphizing spell notes, which now included a rough sketch of two average human bodies, one man and one woman.

I rolled up the Active Exploits scroll and then lay down the other and continued writing detailed notes on the inner anatomy of each body as best I could. When I talked to Twilight the night before (while Trixie was at work), she said that any theoretical transmutation spell required in-depth knowledge of the end result, which caused me to draw on my meagre knowledge of the human body.

Hell if I could remember what a spleen does.

Thankfully, I did have passing knowledge of most of the human body (both kinds) and was able to amplify that with the memory spell. Twilight herself said that, while she was good at all kinds of magic, she had only mastered the divination, abjuration, and enchantment schools and had been working next on her conjuration spells.

Yes, they use the Dungeons & Dragons schools of magic. Surprised me, too. Naturally, Trixie is a master illusionist but knows a couple conjuration spells that she learned from Twilight.

Anyways, once the spell was properly developed (there was a transmutation professor she was going to send my notes to), any unicorn with sufficient magic would be able to cast it without too much trouble. I checked my watch and finished a paragraph on the skeletal structure of the human body (who knew I'd be getting this much use out of Health class?), before heading off to bed.

Soon.

I was awoken a few hours later by a quick rap on my door. I opened it to find Trixie, looking about as bleary-eyed as me, with Fluttershy beside her.

“To much a-a-a-a-all ready?” I yawned.

“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, too.”

“Nah, I've gone twenty-four hours without sleep before, and I got by in high school with only five hours a day. I'll be fine.” I hope. “Tired of being famous already? It's only been, what, three days?”

“Not that you're one to talk,” Trixie retorted. “You told me yourself you don't like fame.”

“True enough. I'm actually rather surprised we haven't gotten tourists in Ponyville looking for the 'alien.'”

“Ponyville isn't much of a tourist trap to begin with, so there's not likely many ponies out there to spread the word.”

“Understandable, I suppose.” I heard a knocking sound and cocked my head. “Let's go see who that is shall we? Fluttershy, you stay back here.”

Turns out it was the paparazzi, looking for Fluttershy. They all flinched at me opening the front door.

“Yes?” They all stared at me, mildly horrified. Or stunned or something. After a couple moments, I raised an eyebrow. “Well? You're the ones who knocked on my door. State your business or bugger off. Better yet, do both.”

A few of them did in fact take off, and the one closest to the door raised his camera and took a picture of me before doing so. The next closest media pony cleared his throat and said, “We're looking for Fluttershy. The, the model?”

“And what makes you think she would come here? I don't get many visitors out here, and that's the way I like it.” Mostly true. If you count being visited by the same ponies repeatedly as not many visitors.

“N-never mind, sir. We'll, we'll leave you alone.” And with a few more pictures, the reporters flew or galloped off. I smirked, content in my “intimidation.”

“Ach, she is in here!” rang out a voice. I tensed up as Photo Finish and her assistants zipped onto the porch. “Move aside, creature, my star is in this house.” I stopped smirking.

“What-”

“I said move aside! I must make the magics with her, and you are in my way!” Before the fashion photographer could force her way in, I felt myself get tugged away from the door and it closed in front of me.

“Well, isn't she the persistent one,” Trixie commented, her horn still aglow from magically pulling me.

“I'm surprised she's here.”

“Oh, um, it's part of the magic contract I signed. As long as I work for Photo Finish, she knows where I am,” said Fluttershy, slowly coming out of the back hall.

“Well, I guess that's one way of making sure you're not late.”

“FLUTTERSHY!” shouted Photo Finish. “YOU MUST COME! WE HAVE THAT THING AT THE PLACE!”

“Well, that's informative,” I snarked. “I guess, if you must, you must.” At those words, Fluttershy's ears drooped. Oops.

“I must,” she said sadly, then trotted to the door and opened it. “Thank you for trying to help, Joe.” The door slowly clicked shut.

*SMACK*

My head whipped forward as Trixie magically slapped me on the back of the head.

“I know, I messed up. Thanks, boss.”

“What?” Trixie looked nonplussed.

“It's a reference to an Earth television show called NCIS. I typically refer to what you just did as a 'Gibbs Slap,' and Gibbs himself is called boss by his people. Anyways, there's not a whole lot I can do at this point that would help beyond what I've already tried. At least this time Rarity didn't get snubbed by ponies searching for-”

Somepony knocked on the door, so I opened it up.

“Is she still here?” asked Bon Bon. “I heard-”

“No.” I closed the door. Then I opened it back up. “I'm sorry, that was rude of me. But, still, the answer is no. She had a thing at a place.” I closed the door again, more gently, turned to Trixie and finished my earlier sentence. “Fluttershy.” Trixie smirked and shook her head, then glanced at the clock.

“I should get going myself. I have another magic lesson with Twilight.”

“Alrighty then. Have a good time.” I waved as she went out the door, then watched as she galloped away. Once she was out of sight, I once again started working on my anatomy scroll.

It was about three hours later when Trixie finally came back, and I had been working on my sword work on a dummy for a full hour by then, not wanting her to catch what I was working on and expecting her back a half hour ago. So, I was rather tired when she told me that she had made a promise with Twilight to go to a fashion show that evening.

“You better dress nicely,” she said. “And shower, you smell like you've been working out since I left.”

“Why are we going to a fashion show?” I asked, hanging my practice sword in the pantry.

“Because I promised Twilight I would be there.”

“Alright. So why am I going to the show?”

Trixie grinned maliciously. “I'm going to need a stage hand.”

“You're sure this will work?” asked Fluttershy.

“My dear, I've been humiliating ponies for years. If I can't shock this crowd and get you out of the modelling business, no one can,” Trixie hugged Fluttershy. “But remember, I'm doing this because you asked me to, so no complaining about your reputation. Joe, are you ready?”

“I am indeed,” I was still chuckling about Trixie's plan and my part in it. I hugged Fluttershy as well, and Trixie and I stepped into the audience, to make it easier for her to read the crowd. Twilight was already in the audience, and we sat down beside her.

“Now it's time for you to learn from me,” whispered Trixie. “Watch a master illusionist at work.”

As Fluttershy started across the stage, Trixie's horn softly glowed under her hair, styled specifically to hide her horn, and Fluttershy seemed to molt, all the feathers falling off her wings. Fluttershy gasped as the music stopped with a screech. Or at least she tried, instead crowing like a surprised chicken.

As the crowd fretted over the sudden disfigurement and odd noise, the next step in Trixie's plan took form, the tingle of my lips being my cue.

“What's happening?!” I exclaimed, only my voice, deeper than normal, emerged from Fluttershy's mouth. “No! Not again!” My voice's pitch was somewhere between Blu Mankuma's and Keith David's, because, try as I might, I can't actually imitate Blu Mankuma's Flutterguy.

As the now completely illusory Fluttershy scrabbled about in panic, the fancily-dressed ponies began gossiping and muttering to themselves. I overheard one nearby commenting on the “not again” part.

“Oh, oh my,” Illusion-Shy said, “I-I didn't want-” Trixie's magic stopped tingling on my lips, stopping my part at that point, as she used a ghost sound spell to imitate Fluttershy's voice - “anypony to know! Oh dear.” The illusion's bald wings flapped as it attempted to pick up its fallen feathers, instead scattering them everywhere, eventually tripping over its own hooves and flattening itself over the stage.

I heard hoofbeats as the crowd started leaving, but there was one Spanner In The Works I had to head off. I nodded to Trixie as I stood up, leaving the rest of the show to her. Just around the corner was Rarity, looking stupefied at the stage.

“Rarity,” I whispered, kneeling in front of her. “I need you to follow me backstage.”

Rarity nodded, still stupefied, but followed me anyways as the one member of the crowd began berating Photo Finish about the lacklustre model. I was tempted to stop and say something, but I had no idea what to say and so we continued to Fluttershy's dressing room, where the real Fluttershy was waiting with Twilight, who had a hoof in her mouth.

“Fluttershy? But- you-”

“Trixie is very good, isn't she?” said Fluttershy, smiling.

“But why? I thought you were happy?”

“I'll leave you to this,” I said, and backed out of the room. There was a brief flicker in the corner of my eye as the illusion flicked open the curtains (sort of) then vanished abruptly. I decided “what the heck” and stepped out immediately after. There were maybe five or six ponies still in attendance, not counting Trixie.

“Well, that was interesting. Shall we off?” I bowed to Trixie.

“Indeed we shall,” she replied, returning my bow in the pony fashion before following me out of the building.

Not how I expected this to go. And why did it feel like I had heartburn?

Author's Note

I had some issues with this in spots. The toughest part, aside from the start of the chapter, as always, was the humiliation of Fluttershy, with brief pauses here and there. I'm not good at making up humiliation, so I wound up returning to what happened in Bridle Gossip and how embarrassed 'Shy was about her sudden deep voice.

And I wonder who will get what that last sentence means? (hint: it's referenced earlier in the chapter with Pinkie)

Next up: FLYING TRIBBLES!

Chapter 33: May 21, The Best Night Ever

Yet Another Human in Equestria Story

By: Bardic Knowledge

Chapter 33: May 21, The Best Night Ever

It was time at last for the Grand Galloping Gala. I had yet to tell everyone how their dreams weren't going to work out, because in comparison to the heartbreak of Pinkie thinking her friends were abandoning her, the event was going pretty much just going to be a minor inconvenience. Plus, I didn't want to ruin Princess Celestia's fun.

Trixie's intention on going to the Gala with me had changed over the months. Instead of wanting to go to shill herself as was her initial intention, she just wanted to go with me to dance. I did have some plans for the night outside of a few dances, but she didn't mind as long as I was there at the start of things.

As I've stated in an earlier chapter, it takes pretty much twelve hours to get to Canterlot by train. So you'd think it would take longer to get there by hoof, wouldn't you?

So did I.

It turns out that it actually only takes about six hours by hoof, with some slight differences based on cargo. The reasons for the massive discrepancy and why no one minds the train taking longer are fairly simple: for one, the train has to take an inclined and winding path carved out of the mountain that adds a surprising amount of time. The other main reason is that the train is incredibly more capable at the mass movement of cargo and ponies, facilitating the economy (and there are plenty of ponies out there too lazy to hoof it).

So the whole carriage ride idea presented in the episode for the Gala was not only feasible, but faster. Twilight's little Cinderella pastiche, though? I may not have been there at the time, but I did let Fluttershy and Rarity know what was likely to happen.

Anyways, the girls spent the morning getting ready, and I started at noon. In part because I wanted the sleep, and also because I had much less hair than them, which would speed up my end of the full spa treatment Rarity was treating us to.

So, with all of us decked out in our finery and Twilight's apple-carriage being big enough for all eight of us, we set off for Canterlot Castle. Spike decided to sit up top for some reason, likely pretending to be the driver even though Noteworthy and the other guy (I didn't get his name, but he looked a lot like Caramel) knew where to go.

I spent the journey looking out the window at the landscape rolling by whilst everypony talked excitedly around me, holding Trixie's hoof in my hand. As the sun dipped below the horizon, I was treated to a spectacular burst of night sky, the moon glowing bright and big in the distance.

As we neared Canterlot, Rarity's voice broke through the conversation with a breathy "Canterlot."

With a quick glance at Trixie and Twilight, who were smiling, I echoed, "Canterlot!"

Trixie followed suit, "Canterlot!"

"It's only a model," said Twilight, in exactly the right tone of voice.

I shushed her, and then the three of us plus Pinkie started laughing.

"I'm sorry, but... what?" asked Applejack.

"It's a reference to a movie from Earth. The movie in question is a parody of the legendary tale of King Arthur, whose castle was known as 'Camelot.'"

"Interesting coincidence. Canterlot and Camelot, I mean," commented Twilight.

"Certain themes are present in every universe. When used as a literary device they're known as 'tropes.' Another parallel between the legends and this world, for instance, would be Merlin and Starswirl; two powerful wizards of great renown. Or to lean on another universe, Narsil and Caliburn, which were succeeded by Anduril and Excalibur. Arthurian legend is deeply ingrained in the culture of England, so far as I know, and a ghost of that was carried over to American culture."

Twilight glanced out the window and sighed. "I wish I had more time to talk to you about that, but we're almost there now." She perked up slightly. "This night is going to be so great!"

A few minutes later, the carriage pulled to a stop outside the palace and the "Into The Woods"-esque song began. I was determined not to join in. Not only did I not feel like singing about dancing with my marefriend and wanting to visit with Princess Luna, but I had my secret plan that I didn't want to reveal by accident. Trixie, however, joined in, and did sing about dancing with me. She also sang that she wanted to shill her talents as an illusionist to the Canterlot nobles, in not so many words.

Spike stood beside me as they sang, and I said farewell to our "drivers." As they didn't have tickets, they couldn't come into the Gala proper, but there was a place for chauffeur/driver/cart-pulling ponies to stay during the Gala and eat and drink.

Once the song itself was over, the Mane Six scattered themselves around the area, leaving me, Trixie, and Spike behind.

“Well, I can at least show you guys around, right?” asked Spike hopefully.

I sucked a breath through my teeth, “Sorry, Spike. We've got a couple dances to do before Pinkie disrupts the music-”

“Wait, what?”

“-And then I'm going to see if I can find Princess Luna while Trixie attempts to hob nob with the big wigs. But, hey, we'll meet up later, alright?”

Spike kicked at the floor despondently. “Okay...”

“Spike,” added Trixie. “Isn't there anyone you used to know in Canterlot that you could find at the Gala? Just to catch up on things or something?”

Spike perked up slightly at that. “Well, I guess I could see if Moondancer is here. She is from a noble family, so she could have gotten an invitation.” He headed off into the crowd, an eager smile on his face.

“Well, then. I hope we'll still run into him at Donut Joe's. Whatever. Shall we dance, milady?” I bowed and held out a hand.

“Let us dance,” she replied. And though I felt a hoof in my hand, when I looked to her, she had applied her human illusion, this time wearing her Gala dress instead of the outfit from Nightmare Night, only it had been somewhat re-tailored to suit her human form, looking similar in shape to Belle's gown from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. She smiled at my reaction. “I talked to Rarity about what it should look like on a human. And ever since Twilight accidentally told me about the anthropo- anthromo- humanizing spell, I've been practicing walking on my hind legs for this dance.”

I groaned. “That was supposed to be a huge surprise. I'm guessing that she let it slip during the Photo Finish thing?”

Trixie simply nodded and led me out to the dance floor. Pinkie had already disturbed a few of the nobles that were just standing around talking and was looking mildly confused at their stuffy reaction to her idea of a party. Honestly, I think I would prefer Pinkie's parties to this thing, if only because they feel warmer, cozier, homier.

Trixie and I got more than a few few stares as we walked into the ballroom, just in time for what I recognized as a song with a waltz beat started playing. Which was exceptionally fortuitous, because the only dance I really know how to do is the waltz. I found it rather odd, though, that of everyone in the room, only Trixie and I were actually dancing. Everypony else was just standing around talking or staring at us in fascination.

After the waltz, the band started playing an incredibly dreary-sounding tune, which I don't think ReDead could have danced to. And they dance without music, just Link wearing the Captain's Hat! So, feeling really disappointed, Trixie dropped her illusion and sank back to all four hooves, with a soft sigh of relief (pony skeletons were not designed for bipedal motion).

“Well, at least we managed one dance,” I said.

“Yeah...” sighed Trixie. “Judging by the atmosphere, I'm actually hesitant to even try and do the simplest of tricks.”

I pondered for a moment. Yes... That might work. “Well, neither of us are sure where in the castle Princess Luna is, right? I only know that Princess Celestia and Twilight are near the entrance because Celestia's on greeting duty.” There was a scandalized gasp just to my right. I glanced over to the noblepony, quirked an eyebrow, and turned back to Trixie. “Maybe if we split up and both look for Princess Luna, we'll be able to hang out with her for a while. If you find her first, send up a firework illusion, and if I find her first I'll ask her to do something similar.”

Trixie smiled. “Sounds like a plan.”

I gestured towards the gardens, “I'll check out this side of things. If neither of us finds her in the next, say, twenty minutes we'll meet up at Donut Joe's.” After a quick hug, we separated.

I headed straight for the sculpture garden. The wind was light, so I couldn't depend on the victory flag flapping in the wind to guide me, but I kept my ears open as I scanned the area. After about five minutes of looking, I finally spotted the bright orange flag, and only a couple feet away stood my target.

“So, here's the deal,” I said, stepping up to Discord's statue. “You and I both know that the seal keeping you in there is weakening, and it won't be long 'til you're free. Being what I am,” – In other words, a Brony. – “I can almost feel it weakening as I speak.

“So, I have a wager for you: Once you're free, you get one chance to break the girls permanently without my interference and be free forever. If you succeed, I will willingly be your servant, you could even make me immortal, if you wished, then, if you wanted, you can try following my quantum frequency back to my reality. Spread the chaos to other realities. However, if the girls manage to recover, also without my interference, and hit you with the Elements of Harmony, I get a fraction of your powers. Only enough that I can handle, because let's face it, you're the Kami of Chaos, and I'm only mortal. I'll even spread a little chaos in your name from time to time, but it won't be anything overly destructive.”

I turned away and started walking. “Think it over. We'll shake on it when you get out.” I paused. “Oh, and you may want to keep an eye on the Gala tonight. You might find it funny.”

Now that that was done, it was time to actually seek out my favourite Princess. Maybe I could keep this year's Nightmare Night from being a total disaster.

About five minutes after leaving Discord behind, I saw a flash of light in the sky. Looking up at it, the image of Trixie's cutie mark was just fading, and I hurried in its direction.

I passed around the castle to find a courtyard overlooking Canterlot itself, a stone balcony with a gazebo upon it at the edge. Near the gazebo, Trixie and Luna stood, talking, Trixie alternating between being boastful and bashful. Luna, for her part, looked mildly confused. I approached the two of them and bowed.

“Your Highness, it is good to see you again.”

Luna's confused look faded slightly, “Ah, Joseph, it is indeed a pleasure.”

Trixie seemed rather relieved to see me.

I looked out over the city. What had been blinding light when I first visited Canterlot almost a year ago was instead dotted with glittering lights, some of which were street lamps that were reflected off the buildings. It seemed to almost be a reflection of the night sky.

“I'm glad to have found you, your highness. There's some things I wish to speak to you about.”

“Oh?”

“It pertains to a future event. I presume you've heard of Nightmare Night at this point?”

“Indeed We have, though most in the castle seem oddly skittish when We ask for more information. There has been little to be found in the library as well.”

“That's because it pertains to Nightmare Moon, and a legend that I'm quite certain is false. Though, I'm not one-hundred percent on that. However the event began, it has since changed to a festival of sorts.”

Luna looked bewildered. “A festival? What sort of festival could possibly stem from Our transformation into Nightmare Moon?”

“I feel the best way to explain it would involve explaining Earth's comparable holiday, Halloween, though I may get a few facts wrong. The name is a corruption of 'All Hallow's Eve,' the night before All Saints' Day. Legend had it that All Hallow's Eve was a night were the boundaries between Earth and the fae worlds were thin, and all manner of demons and faeries and creatures would interact with the world. I'm not sure how it developed into candy, but children would dress up in costumes to, I think, trick the fell creatures into thinking they were one of them.

“In the modern age, the tradition is to escort kids dressed in various costumes based on famous figures or concepts from house to house to get candy. Halloween has become one of those traditions children look forward to.”

“So, Nightmare Night is a holiday of candy and costumes?” Luna said, looking contemplative.

“There's slightly more to it than that, actually. You know how fear can cause a euphoric feeling when it passes?”

Luna's expression became cautious, “Indeed?”

“Well, there are a lot of people, and ponies, that have fun by being frightened.” I smirked. “In fact, this year I plan on turning my house into a haunted house for Ponyville to enjoy.”

“Fun...? We are afraid We have not heard this word before.”

Trixie was startled. “Really, Princess? That seems odd.”

“Well, even on Earth 'fun' is only six hundred years old, so it's understandable.” I screwed up my face for a moment. “To have fun is to enjoy oneself. There are many ways to have fun, but the most common is to play ga-”

I was interrupted then by a loud shout from the ballroom. It was a voice, and words, that I recognized. “-LOVE ME!”

Luna and Trixie looked startled at the shout, and I nodded. “I believe that's our cue. Your Higness, it was nice to talk to you, though I wish it had been longer.” I paused. “Actually, would you like to come with? Your sister will be there.”

“Whoa, Joe,” said Trixie, holding up a hoof. “What?”

“That was Fluttershy, quite mad about the animals of the castle gardens being skittish around her. Chaos currently reigns in the ballroom, and the Elements plus Celestia are going to be going to Donut Joe's. Spike is already there.”

“Oh.”

Luna sighed. “While it would be a nice diversion, We will likely be needed to restore order. Have a good night, Joseph. Trixie.” Luna opened her wings and prepared to take off.

“Just a moment more, Highness,” I said. “When Nightmare Night comes this year, if you do come to Ponyville... The ponies won't be used to you. They'll likely remember Nightmare Moon more than the de-powered form you had before. They'll be scared. Just try to remember that, please?”

Luna smiled. “Of course. Thank thee for the advice.” And she flew to the ballroom doors and entered. As Trixie and I left, I could hear Luna's Traditional Royal Canterlot Voice echoing out the doors.

Unfortunately, Trixie and I had almost no idea where to find Donut Joe's. She hadn't been to Canterlot before, and though I had, I didn't know the streets or the location of the shop. So, there we were, dressed to impress and wandering the night time streets of the capital.

“Had a good night?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Trixie, smiling up to me. “You?”

“I had a marvellous night, my dear.” I held a hand out to her, and she put a hoof in it. I exerted my small strength to lift her to bipedal height and stared into her eyes.

After a couple seconds, I committed myself to what I had set out to do.

And kissed her.

Author's Note

I am so sorry this took me so long. I hit writer's block pretty early into it, then I got a job that leaves me exhausted pretty much every day, plus I'm splitting my attention in several different ways with the Infinite Time Loops stuff. Then I finally get some inspiration and a new computer and somehow my new computer starts treating this chapter (and only this chapter) as read-only.

Gah! Anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Good Kwanzah, or whatever your holiday of choice is, and I promise to not take three months on the next, and last, chapter of Yet Another Human in Equestria Story (part one).

I'm sure you can figure out which one it is by process of elimination.

Oh, and for Christmas, I'd really like to have a Trope page. Or at least a mention on the Fanfic Recs page.

EDIT: Almost forgot something. While I was finally finishing up the chapter, the artist who did the dress I picked for Trixie back in Suited For Success did a version of it with her Equestria Girls form. and it looks exactly the way I pictured it. Awesome coincidence, eh?