So You Married A Changeling
Things That Go Burp in the Night
Everypony in Ponyville knew that Sugarcube Corner was the perfect place to stop for a snack, especially when the weather was cold and the pastries were hot and fresh. Summer had yet to bring the full force of its warmth to Ponyville, so the days were still bitterly cold as winter fought to maintain control of Equestria's thermostat.
Unfortunately there were still slow days, and today business was slow as it could possibly be. This left Carrot Cake in the awkward position of having nothing to do during business hours. He couldn’t leave the register, but standing in one place all day would get terribly boring.
Carrot always kept a book nearby for just such an occasion. He was halfway through a collection of old myths and legends, reading up on sea ponies and other ridiculous creatures. It seemed like a childish way to spend his time, but he had nothing better to do.
One monster in the book seemed very familiar. He remembered his mother, a very superstitious pony, telling him stories about frightening bug-like creatures that could snatch up an innocent pony and assume his identity. The book named them in ominous, gothic letters at the top of the page: “changelings”. They fed on love to survive, but Carrot Cake’s mother had told him that they absolutely adored sugar and other sweet things. They reminded him of vampires, or perhaps some kind of giant leech.
A loud crash came from the kitchen and Carrot ran to investigate. His wife was lying on her back, a dazed look on her face and a bag of flour on the floor next to her. A bowl of pie filling had been knocked over, evidence of a failed attempt at cherry pie.
“Are you alright, honey bun?” Carrot asked. He helped Cup Cake to her hooves and gently examined her head to see how badly she was hurt. Apart from a small bump she looked alright. Must be all that padding, he thought with a grin. Being “pleasantly plump” comes with a few advantages.
“I fell,” she mumbled. “I think I hit my head. The flour….”
“Are you dizzy?” her husband asked, more concerned than amused now that she actually seemed injured. “Do you want to lie down? I can call Doctor Stable if you want.”
Cup Cake shook her head, wincing only a little at the pain it caused. “I’m alright dear,” she assured him. “Maybe I’ll just rest for a minute. I’ll be right as rain and back to baking in no time at all.”
“I’ll be here.” They shared a brief kiss and Carrot watched her wobble up the stairs, thinking that he could probably talk her into a quick visit to the doctor if she wasn’t feeling better when she woke up.
He looked over the mess caused by Cup Cake’s spill and was able to piece together the events leading up to it. Obviously she had tried to reach the flour on the top shelf by standing on the countertop, lost her balance, and bumped her head against the kitchen table on her way to the floor. It was quite a fall, but she seemed mostly unharmed.
Cleanup wasn’t difficult, especially since he had years of experience cleaning up after Pinkie Pie. Compared to the utter carnage that some of her culinary experiments had left behind, a spilled bowl of pie filling and some flour was nothing at all. It barely registered a 0.6 on the Pinkie Scale.
With the mess cleaned up Carrot made one final pass to make sure that he hadn’t missed anything. He looked up at the shelf, thinking that he should really move the ingredients lower to the ground. Right now he was the only pony tall enough to reach them easily.
Something on the ceiling caught his attention, and he pulled over a chair to stand on so that he could get a better look. There was a mark on the ceiling in front of where the flour was kept that looked quite a bit like a hoof print.
How did that get up there? Mr. Cake wondered. Had somepony tried to steady themselves while reaching for something? No way, he thought. I’m the tallest pony in this household, and not even I can reach up there.
Maybe it was just a smudge that happened to look like a horseshoe. And it suddenly appeared for no good reason, Carrot mused. He was sure that he would have noticed it before, so it had to be new.
Oh well. He returned to the front counter and settled in for another few hours of waiting for customers. He continued to flip idly through his book, not really paying attention to what he was reading.
One of the pages had a sketch of a changeling. There was very little detail in the background, but the creature itself was depicted very clearly. It was hanging from the ceiling and glowering down at whatever unfortunate pony was below it. A trail of hoof prints showed where it had crawled up the wall.
Carrot thought back to the mark on the ceiling and laughed. Maybe I married a changeling. It’s all so clear now; soon she’ll start fattening me up so she can eat me. He smiled as he tried to imagine the spindly, nimble creature in the picture transforming into his stocky wife. Maybe it could tie pillows to itself to improve the illusion.
*****
Later that day, after the bakery had closed and Pinkie Pie had set out to organize a ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday’ party (on a Tuesday, no less) the Cakes went grocery shopping. They split the shopping between them to speed things along, and soon Mr. Cake was finished with his half. He found his wife in the baking isle, stocking up on powdered sugar and…not much else. “I think we’ve got enough sugar honey bun,” he pointed out. “We weren’t running very low to begin with.”
Cup Cake gave him a peck on the cheek and they started toward the checkout line. “You’re forgetting the bag I dropped this morning, dear.” She licked some sugar from where it had stuck to her hoof. Didn't she spill flour? “Mmmm. We should bake something sweet when we get home.”
Carrot chuckled and prodded her gently in the ribs, causing her to flinch and squeal. She had always been very ticklish there. “We spent all morning baking and you still can’t think of something else to do?”
Cup Cake said something in response, but Carrot suddenly found it very difficult to listen. His mother had warned him to beware of any loved ones that developed a sudden sweet tooth, and now that warning demanded his attention. My honey bun has always loved sweets, he told himself. There’s no need to jump to conclusions.
After buying what they needed and returning home the Cakes set about making dinner. Cup Cake insisted that they make a red velvet cake after they were finished. Carrot went along with it, knowing that there was no stopping her when she got a craving for something.
They rested in the den behind the kitchen while the cake was baking, each occupied with a book. Reading was a popular pastime in Ponyville since television had yet to be invented.
Cup Cake was reading Photo Finish’s autobiography. Carrot wasn’t sure how she could stand to read the ravings of a megalomaniac, but he had learned not to bother her about it. Occasionally she would mention something about her book, or bring up a completely unrelated topic. Carrot Cake would then respond with a similarly random thought. It was a familiar routine, and one that they both enjoyed.
“Remember when we met?” Cup Cake asked. She snuggled against him on the couch and flipped through her book even though she wasn’t looking at it. “It was at…homecoming, I think. Maybe it was prom.”
“Prom,” Mr. Cake assured her. “Your coltfriend had dumped you for a cheerleader.” Cup Cake sighed. “I still don’t know what you saw in him, apart from the insanely athletic build and rugged good looks.” His wife giggled. “You looked sad, so I said hello.”
“I remember how handsome you were,” she said. “Looking back, not much has changed.”
Mr. Cake cleared his throat uncomfortably. In his teenage years he was a scrawny, unhealthy colt with a minor speech impediment and serious self esteem issues. He sometimes wondered what his wife had seen in him, especially considering his fashion sense at the time. “I don’t wear thin white ties and hoof bracers anymore. That’s a pretty big change.”
She draped her front legs over his neck and hugged him possessively. “I thought you looked cute,” she whispered into his ear. “It was so sweet when you showed up at the restaurant the very next day looking for a date. I thought a little rock star had come to visit me.”
“Your boss was such a witch,” Carrot grumbled. “I still don’t see what the big deal was. You were a waitress, not a trauma surgeon.”
The oven timer went off and Cup Cake crawled reluctantly off the couch. “I’ll set the cake out to cool and be back before you know it.”
Carrot went back to his book, which suddenly saddled him with an uncomfortable bit of information. This says that changelings will often try to bring up happy memories to feed on the emotions they cause. Feeling more than a little silly, he set his book aside and quietly slunk to the kitchen door. He peeked in on his wife, who was setting the cake on a rack to cool. See? This is stupid. I don’t even believe in changelings for Celestia’s sake! He hurried back to the couch before she caught him watching. Then again, I didn’t believe in Discord either. I’ve been wrong before.
*****
Long after his wife had fallen asleep, Mr. Cake lay awake in their bed. Something was keeping him up and he couldn’t put his hoof on what it was. He thought about his marriage and about the wonderful mare that had agreed to spend the rest of her life with him. He rolled over to look at her only to find that she was gone.
“Honey bun?” Carrot called. He rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hallway, groggy and bleary-eyed. He wasn’t sure why Cup Cake’s absence disturbed him so much, but he felt compelled to find her. He had always considered himself a bit of a coward; now he was all alone in their big, dark, empty house and he felt a growing sense of unease at how quiet it was.
The window at the end of the hall was open. Carrot took a moment to close it before moving on to Pinkie’s room. The pink party pony was missing, but her pet alligator was sleeping peacefully at the foot of her bed.
A noise from the bathroom startled him. “Is anypony there?” Mr. Cake called. “Honey bun? Is that you?”
“Yes dearie?" Mr. Cake relaxed at the sound of his wife's voice. She trotted out of the bathroom and down the stairs. "Are you coming?" she called. "We don't have all night."
Carrot followed her down to the kitchen, uncertain of what she wanted but relieved to no longer be alone. Everything seemed much more sinister with the lights turned out. "What are we doing?" he asked. "Can’t this wait until morning? Come on, let's go back to bed."
"Who could sleep at a time like this?" Cup Cake asked. "Hurry up and lie down!" She pushed him toward a huge metal dish on the kitchen floor. The bottom was covered with lettuce and there was an apple lying in the center. "He'll be here any moment."
"Who?" Carrot asked. "What's going on?" The kitchen's back door opened with an ominous creek. "Who is that?" he demanded. Something the size of a pony skittered into the room, accompanied by an awful clicking noise that made him think of a giant cricket. "Tell me what's happening! Say something!"
The lights turned on and Carrot Cake took an involuntary step backward. "Hey there pun'kin," said a pony that looked exactly like him. It winked smugly, its eyes glowing with sinister green light.
Cup Cake stepped up behind him. He turned around, expecting to see his wonderful wife, but the lights cut out before he could get a good look at her. He only saw fangs and green eyes as she lunged at him and buried her teeth in his throat.
*****
"NO!" Carrot Cake shouted, jolted awake by the awful face that he had only managed to see in the corner of his eye. His heart was racing, but he soon accepted that it had only been a dream. Stupid story book, he thought sourly. This is ridiculous. I'm too old to be afraid of things that go bump in the night. I'm tossing that thing in the trash first thing tomorrow morning. He allowed himself to relax again, rolling over to snuggle up to his wife.
Cup Cake wasn't sleeping next to him. Suddenly he wasn't sure that his nightmare was over. A loud clattering from downstairs made him sit bolt upright in bed. I feel a lot less ridiculous now that something is actually bumping! I should go check that out, he thought. It could be anything. Somepony might have broken in, or the boiler might be about to explode, or Pinkie might be trying out new loads for her party cannon.
Or it could be nothing at all, Carrot told himself as he reluctantly got out of bed. I could live with that. He silently crept down the hallway toward the stairs. What does a changeling do with the pony it replaces, I wonder? Do they get eaten?
Somepony had left the window open. Mr. Cake felt a panic attack coming on, but he tried to keep it under control. There was no reason to freak out. So what if things resembled his dream a little too much? It was only a dream, and he didn't actually think that his wife had been replaced by a changeling.
Did he? I'll just have a quick look, he decided. No need to panic. Remember what the doctor said about minding your blood pressure. At this rate I'll have an aneurism before I make it to the bottom of the stairs!
Carrot snuck downstairs and peeked into the kitchen. He saw Cup Cake getting a glass of water and a small slice of red velvet cake. There has never been a pony that felt more foolish than I do right now, he thought. It should be physically impossible to fit this much embarrassment into a pony. I should explode or melt or whatever it is that ponies do when they experience shame overload.
Cup Cake looked around cautiously as she opened the pantry and pulled out a bag of sugar. Carrot Cake backed out of sight just in time. Still no need to panic. Maybe she's going to make a cup of tea. Maybe the cake isn't sweet enough for her.
When she was confident that she was alone Cup Cake poured what must have been half a pound of sugar into her water. She tried to stir the resulting sludge with a spoon, then chugged it all like a college filly at a house party. That's disgusting, Carrot thought.
His wife -or the thing that was pretending to be his wife- let out a loud belch and immediately covered her mouth. She coughed and blushed with embarrassment. That's adorable, he grudgingly admitted.
Carrot Cake hurried upstairs and crawled into bed. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, threatening to cause another of his famous fainting spells. Cup Cake came up a few minutes later, quietly climbed into bed, and curled up against him. On any other night he would have felt completely at peace with her close by.
Tonight was different. The thing curled up next to him was not his wife. It was a dangerous, possibly carnivorous creature that had stolen his beloved Cup Cake and taken her place. He had to do something!
Cup Cake made a noise in her sleep that sounded almost like a laugh. Carrot was so startled that his delicate constitution was finally pushed over the edge and he fainted right there in his own bed.
*****
Mr. Cake spent the next few days reading everything he could about changelings, which didn’t amount to much. They were fey creatures and valued secrecy, so information on them was scarce. Cup Cake’s impostor thought he was developing a strange fascination with fairy tales, but she let him have his fun.
One of the books he found might have been helpful, but Carrot wasn't sure if he could trust it. Where the author's name should have been was only the word "Doctor." He decided to use it anyway since he had precious little else to rely on. Assuming that it was correct, changelings would molt every few months. The process sounded disgusting, but an old piece of exoskeleton would be exactly what he needed to prove that his wife was a soul-sucking nightmare creature.
It would also prove that she’s a changeling. The inane thought made him giggle.
He badly needed the proof, because he certainly couldn't take on the changelings by himself. His Cup Cake might still be alive, and he didn’t even know where to start looking for her. Nopony was going to help him based on a few sugar encrusted glasses and a mark on the ceiling.
Mrs. Cake found him sitting at the breakfast table, staring moodily at his toast and eggs. "Is something wrong?" she asked. Carrot Cake forced himself not to lean away when she kissed him on the cheek. "We're closed for the day. We should do something fun."
Carrot Cake pretended to agree and she trotted upstairs to get ready for the day. All the while her husband was wondering how he could catch her in the act of molting. He could keep a close eye on her, but he couldn't be with her all the time. Perhaps he would just have to watch closely and hope for the best. Eventually the creature would slip up. Until then he would just have to play along. He didn't like the idea of cozying up to a monster, but if he didn't....
If he didn't, he might never see the real Cup Cake again. The thought of what might be happening to her at that very moment made him want to dive tackle her replacement and demand information. But that isn't the way to do it, he thought. I have to be smart about this or I could mess everything up. I can't let her see that I’m angry or she'll know that I've caught on. I need to be careful!
"Are you alright, dear?" Mr. Cake leapt out of his chair and spun around, his heart hammering in his chest. "Goodness!" the changeling exclaimed. She covered her mouth with a hoof and tried not to laugh. "I didn't mean to startle you!"
Mr. Cake pretended not to be angry even as he felt the floor tilting underneath him. Cup Cake caught him before he hit the ground, having grown accustomed to such reactions long ago.
*****
Eventually, after gritting his teeth through several days of things that he would normally love, Carrot Cake gave up looking for proof. He was ready to tell somepony the truth and hope for the best. If he kept waiting for the changeling to make a mistake he would grow old and grey with the wrong mare, and eventually he might forget about the real Cup Cake altogether. Changelings could play strange tricks on a pony's mind, and there was always a chance that she would brainwash him.
Twilight Sparkle would be the right mare to tell. She had a direct line to Celestia and was powerful in her own right. He would slip out while the impostor Cup Cake was distracted, beg for help, and be back before he was missed.
He waited until he was certain she was asleep, then tiphoofed downstairs. He was almost to the front door when he heard somepony calling his name. Pinkie Pie's voice drifted out to him from the kitchen, uncharacteristically sad. "Mr. Cake? Where are you going?"
Carrot trotted into the kitchen to find his tenant sitting at the table and munching on a carrot. Her mane was lacking its usual volume, hanging down almost to her hooves in a glossy pink waterfall. "I have to go for a walk," he lied.
Pinkie sighed and finished her carrot in a single, distressingly large bite. Carrot Cake hated it when she did that. "You've been acting really weird lately," she said. "You seem angry about something, and I think I know what it might be. You’ve noticed that something’s different about Mrs. Cake, didn’t you? I noticed it too."
"Really?" Mr. Cake sighed with relief. "That's great. I feel like I’ll explode if I have to keep it a secret any longer. It’s driving me crazy."
"She isn't cheating on you."
Mr. Cake plastered a big, fake smile on his face even as he groaned inwardly. "You know what? You’re right. Thanks for the talk Pinkie, but I don't-"
"Mrs. Cake loves you so much! She'd never even consider it, and you just need to ask her why she's acting so funny. I know she's been acting a little strange, and there's a toooootally good reason for it, but she toooootally made me promise not to tell!"
"I just need to...wait, what?"
Pinkie Pie ran to the foot of the stairs and looked up. She was so anxious that she was practically vibrating. "Please talk to her!" she whispered when she was sure that Cup Cake wasn’t listening. "I promised not to tell but it would be so, so sad if you two had a fight because I know you love each other so, so much!"
As much as he wanted to hurry over to the library and be done with it, Carrot was beginning to think that he might be making a mistake. "Alright, I'll talk to her about it."
"That's good." Pinkie wrapped him in a hug, which was the first physical contact he'd had in days that didn't make him want to start shaking all over. That might be more my fault than anypony else's, Mr. Cake thought. He left Pinkie to her midnight snacking and trudged back upstairs, all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts weighing heavily on his mind.
What proof do I actually have? She hasn't done anything wrong. He thought back to watching his wife drink a cup of sugar cement. I could have been dreaming. In fact his medication was known for causing strange dreams, and he had already had one nightmare that night.
An extremely unsettling train of thought was beginning to take shape in his mind. What if I did try to report her and it turned out that I was wrong? What if she got put through a bunch of awful, painful tests? She’d be so upset if she knew I didn't trust her.
Mr. Cake saw the light on in the bathroom. He hurried to bed and pulled the sheets tight around himself to ward off the night's chill. His wife joined him moments later. "Love you," she whispered.
What if I've been wrong all along? Carrot wondered. He felt a terrible, shameful weight tugging at his heart that he hadn’t noticed before. What if she's noticed the same thing as Pinkie? She'd think that I was mad at her, or that I didn’t love her anymore. It would hurt her so much, and it would all be because of some stupid superstition. He rolled over and wrapped his forelegs around her. "I love you too."
Author's Note
I'm sort of out of it right now, which is sort of a bad time to be editing stuff. Still, I decided to end the first chapter with something adorable instead of making it a cliff hanger.
If you haven’t figure it out by now, Mr. Cake has a medical condition. I think I read somewhere that low blood pressure can cause fainting spells, but what I know about medicine could fit into a HORSEradish can. Did…did you see what I did there? Did you see it?
Oh shut up. Anyway, you may remember him fainting multiple times while Big Macintosh was carrying the MMMM? I know it was played for laughs, but this fandom has done more with less. What do you think? Tell me in the comments!
So You Married A Changeling
One minor note before we begin. Just in case there’s any confusion, this story takes place early in Season Two. That means that the Cakes haven’t had their kids, and Chrysalis hasn’t made an appearance. I’m not sure if that confused some people, but now you know.
After waking up and eating breakfast Carrot Cake did a few chores around the house. In the years to come he would often wonder what would have happened if he’d something else instead. If he'd delayed even a little bit, or done something besides clean the bathroom, his wife might have had time to notice her mistake. He might never have found the shiny black material in the trash can.
The substance was dark and mostly opaque, about four inches across with a few areas near the edges being slightly translucent. It was tough, but if he tried hard enough he could make it flex under the weight of his hoof. I think I know what this is, he thought. I just really, really hope I'm wrong.
Carrot snuck out of the house and ran all the way to the library. When he finally reached Twilight Sparkle's door he had to sit down and breathe deeply, letting his heart rate slow before he passed out in the dirt. He hated knowing that his own body could betray him at any moment.
When he finally felt ready Carrot knocked on the library's front door. "Just a minute!" somepony yelled. After a few loud noises, some of which must have come from impossibly heavy objects, the librarian answered the door. "Can I help you?" she asked breathlessly.
"I hope so." Carrot pulled the hunk of hopefully-not-chitin out of his apron. "Do you know what this is?
Twilight lifted the hunk of material with her magic and examined it. She turned it over, bent it slightly, and held it to her ear while tapping it with a hoof. "I think it's part of an insect's exoskeleton. The shape looks like it may have come from a beetle of some kind. Where did you get this?"
Mr. Cake mentally kicked himself; he hadn't thought about what to say if Twilight asked where the chitin had come from, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to expose the impostor yet. The last thing he wanted was for the cavalry to come in with horns blazing and frighten away the only pony that might know where to find Cup Cake. "It was in the, uh, cellar. I found it in the cellar. It was nice talking to you Twilight, but I think I should go."
Twilight watched him trot away, feeling more than a little concerned for his health. Everypony knew that Mr. Cake wasn't the toughest of ponies, and something was clearly weighing heavily on his mind.
The awful truth of what the bit of chitin might mean slowly became clear, causing her to tremble from the revelation. She knew exactly what was bothering Mr. Cake, and the truth wasn't pretty. “Spike!” Twilight shouted. “Call the mayor! We have an emergency on our hooves!”
The little dragon came running as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him. “What is it?” he asked. “Is the town in danger? I mean, you know, more than usual?”
Twilight began running through a list of things she would need and started packing her saddlebag. “It might be. Something is horribly wrong at Sugarcube Corner, and we’re going to do something about it!”
*****
Mr. Cake stopped by the hardware store and the pharmacy on his way home. It was almost time to expose his wife's impostor, and he didn't want to do it empty hoofed. There was just one more test, one more bit of proof needed to make certain that he wasn't coming to the wrong conclusion. That proof would come when she took her vitamins the next morning.
Throughout the day Carrot pretended that nothing at all was wrong. He put so much effort into playing dumb that he could hardly focus on anything else. He even made himself kiss her once, though it made him want to scrub his lips until they bled. It felt wrong kissing something that might not be his wife.
Tomorrow was Saturday, which was Pinkie Pie’s day to mind the store. He could rescue Cup Cake and be back in business by Sunday if all went well.
That night he went to bed with a heavy mind. He’d hidden a box of nails under his side of the bed, just in case the changeling had caught on to his plans. He thought for sure that he would never get to sleep, but the last few days had worn on him so much that he soon nodded off.
His dreams were not the nightmares he expected. In them he rescued Cup Cake, charging in like the champion she deserved and heroically tossing changelings left and right. They lived happily together just like before this whole mess and he never worried about losing her again.
He woke in the middle of the night when the changeling breathed on his neck. Mr. Cake’s leg wasn’t quite long enough to reach his stash of nails without making it obvious that he was doing so. He shivered in fear, certain that he had been found out and that his life was about to end. Any moment now a pair of fangs would sink into his neck and kill him.
Did changelings drink blood? It seemed likely, given that they had fangs. What else were fangs for? Changelings fed on love and affection, but Carrot couldn't remember reading about the specifics of how they did so. Maybe they bit into a pony’s brain and drained out whatever caused happy feelings.
The changeling moved closer and Carrot Cake let out a startled gasp. She growled like an angry dog, snarling and baring her teeth. He felt her nuzzle into his neck and braced for the pain of a bite.
Nothing happened. The changeling snored quietly and settled down again. It had probably never been awake at all. Carrot Cake spent the rest of the night lying very still so as not to disturb it.
When morning finally came Cup Cake was slow to wake. She nuzzled Carrot Cake’s neck and yawned deeply. “Morning, sugarplum.”
“M-morning,” Carrot Cake said. He waited for her to roll out of bed and stumble to the bathroom, then grabbed his box of nails and followed. He took his apron on the way and tucked the nails inside so that she wouldn’t suspect anything was out of place. He heard a pill bottle being shaken, and the accompanying sound of water running into a glass. The changeling came out a few minutes later, having washed her face as well as taken her vitamins.
Cup Cake hugged him as she passed. “What should we do for breakfast?” she asked. Before Carrot Cake could answer she stumbled against him and gagged. “I-I think maybe I…uh oh.” She ran back into the bathroom and slammed the door in her husband’s face.
“Are you alright, honey bun?” Carrot called. He carefully turned the doorknob, moving as slowly as he could so that it opened without a sound. The changeling was bent over the toilet, throwing up the iron supplements that she had unknowingly taken. Her whole body was trembling violently and her coat glistened with sweat. If it weren’t for the fact that she was a shape shifting monster Carrot Cake would have felt terrible for her.
Cup Cake was almost done being sick when she noticed Carrot standing over her. “There’s something you aren’t telling me,” he said coldly.
To his surprise the changeling didn’t deny it. “I’m so sorry,” she said, voice made hoarse by her ordeal. “I meant to tell you sooner.”
“And are you going to tell me now?” he asked.
“Yes.” The changeling wiped her mouth, still in her Cup Cake disguise. The iron poisoning was apparently not serious enough to disturb the illusion. “I love you, sugarplum. I didn’t do this to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“To tell me what?”
Cup Cake bit her lip and closed her eyes so that she didn’t have to look at him. “I’m pregnant,” she whispered.
“You’re…what?” Carrot Cake blinked dumbly and tried to focus, but his mind couldn’t quite make sense of it. He started to feel elated, then stammered out some nonsense as his pulse quickened. The combination of exhaustion and shock was too much for him. “I-I almost told Twilight.”
Cup Cake rolled her eyes and tried to catch him as she fell. She was so weak that he still hit the floor a bit too hard, but she was able to cushion the impact somewhat. “You say the strangest things when you get lightheaded,” she giggled. “You aren’t angry that I didn’t tell you sooner, are you?”
Carrot Cake mumbled something, trying to say that he honestly had no idea what to think. He sunk all the way into unconsciousness before he could form a proper sentence.
*****
Waking from one of his fainting spells usually happened all at once, but this time felt different. Mr. Cake slowly took notice of the world around him, starting with his own body and the position he was resting in. My wife isn't a changeling, he thought. Relief washed over him and made him sigh appreciatively.
Carrot Cake’s perceptions extended to the bed that he was lying on. The soft sheets and the faint scent of fabric softener relaxed him. His week had been miserable, and now that he could finally unwind he wanted to do nothing but sleep for the rest of the day.
Eventually he noticed that somepony was lying next to him. Carrot opened his eyes, wincing at the unpleasantly bright sun that was peeking into his window. His wife was dozing next to him, her deep sighs smelling of toothpaste and Colgate’s special brand of mouthwash. Her hair was disheveled and she hadn’t applied any makeup, but she was beautiful nonetheless.
Guilt washed over him and made him cringe. I haven’t been very good to her lately, he thought. She can always tell when something is bothering me. I must have been awful to be around, no matter how much I tried to act like nothing was wrong. I haven’t been the kind of husband she deserves. He gently draped his forelegs over her. All of that ends now. I won’t let it happen ever again.
His light embrace had not been light enough to avoid waking her. Cup Cake yawned and blinked a few times to clear her eyes. “Hey you,” she whispered.
“Hey.” Carrot kissed her forehead. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”
“I should have told you sooner,” Cup Cake said. “You probably thought I was hiding something.”
Mr. Cake forced himself to laugh, even though he felt more like crying. He’d die of embarrassment if anypony ever found out. “You might say that,” he admitted. “It makes sense now; morning sickness, strange cravings, waking up in the middle of the night. What was the black stuff I found in the bathroom?”
“I don’t know. If it looked like black plastic, then it was probably the package from a pregnancy test. Why? What did you think it was?”
“It isn’t important.” The two lay in silence for a while as Carrot thought about what the future would bring. “We’ll have to think of a name.”
Cup Cake agreed. She snuggled up against him but recoiled when something dug into her side. “What’s this?” she asked as she reached into his apron. Carrot Cake tried to think of a reasonable explanation that wouldn’t make him seem like a superstitious nut job. The best he could come up with was a joke about repairing a cake.
All of his excuses were forgotten when his wife touched one of the nails that had spilled out of the box. She screamed and pulled her hoof back, holding it close to her side as the keratin sizzled like veggie bacon in a skillet.
By the time Carrot realized what had happened he was already in motion. He tumbled out of bed and scampered to the door, careening into the hallway after banging his shoulder on the doorframe. He made it halfway to the stairs before a field of green magic enveloped him and lifted him into the air. Nails spilled out of his apron and all over the carpet as he was turned upside down.
Carrot Cake was helpless in the grip of the changeling’s magic, but he refused to give up hope. He searched his apron just in case some of the nails remained. When that failed he was reduced to grabbing the doorframe and shouting for help. Once again luck was not on his side; Pinkie was spending the day with her friends and the bakery wasn’t for business yet. He was all alone with a monster, and the stress was getting to him.
You can’t faint now, he told himself. Buck up and do something! Your real wife is probably still out there, and she needs you! His vision swam and his train of thought began to drift off course. No! Stay awake! Keep fighting!
To his credit, Carrot held on longer than he had ever managed before. His hooves gouged thick furrows into wood as he slowly lost ground, floating further into the bedroom and away from freedom. Finally, when he lost all strength in his legs, he gave in to the welcoming embrace of darkness. The last thing he saw was his wife’s disturbingly alien face; her eyes were glowing, and her disguise had broken down enough that he could see her fangs.
This time he woke up in the usual way. Carrot Cake gasped and rolled over, confusion overwhelming him. Somepony grabbed him to keep him from rolling off the bed, and for a few wonderful seconds he convinced himself that he’d had another nightmare.
The illusion collapsed very quickly. There were nails scattered all over the floor, his wife (or the thing pretending to be his wife) had been crying, and his shoulder ached where he’d hit the doorframe.
Cup Cake settled back on the other side of the bed and let him have his space. They stared at each other for a long time in silence, each of them certain that they were at a defining moment in their relationship. “Why haven’t you tied me up?” Carrot finally asked. “I could make a run for it again.”
“Free range ponies taste better.”
“That isn’t funny.”
“Not even a little bit?” the changeling asked.
“No.” Carrot Cake struggled out of his apron and threw it aside. “What have you done with my wife?”
The changeling hid her face in her hooves. “I knew this would happen,” she moaned. “Your wife hasn’t gone anywhere, dear. It’s always been me.”
Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Carrot Cake wondered. No, that wouldn’t be possible. Would it? How long can a changeling stay in disguise? Do they have to drop the illusion every now and then, or can it be permanent? “What happened to the original Cup Cake?” he asked. “When did you take her place?”
“There was no Cup Cake!” the changeling insisted. “My parents found me when I was a foal. They wanted children but couldn’t have any of their own, so they took me in. I’ve used the same disguise my entire life. I am the real Cup Cake.”
“You gained weight!” Carrot Cake shouted. It was an odd thing to shout, but then this was an odd conversation. This was already the strangest argument he’d ever had with his wife, and it was only going to get worse. “While we were dating you gained weight. You can’t gain weight from love! Love has no calories!”
“I still eat!” Cup Cake yelled back. “I can’t help it! I eat when I’m nervous!”
“You’re a liar. You’re either lying now or you were lying for the last six years.” Carrot wanted to feel angry, but instead he felt dirty and a little sick. He wanted to crawl into the shower and not come out until he felt clean again. Most of all he wanted to believe that his wife wasn’t lying to him. “How can I believe you?”
The changeling looked hurt, but Carrot Cake forced himself to remain skeptical. So what if this looked exactly like his wife, trembling lower lip and all? So what if she looked exactly like Cup Cake did whenever she was about to burst into tears? He couldn’t hug her right now, not without knowing for sure. “I remember how we met,” she said. “I can remember our first date and the stupid cab driver that didn’t know his way around. I r-remember that awful museum and….”
She hid her face in her pillow and cried. Carrot Cake watched for a moment, feeling utterly lost. He had no idea if he should feel sorry for making her cry, frustrated that he still didn’t trust her, or angry that he had been lied to. In the end he somehow managed all three at the same time. “I didn’t like the entomology exhibit!” she sobbed.
Carrot laughed in spite of the awful mix of emotions churning inside him. “That explains a lot. I spent the whole night thinking you were mad at me.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said. “I’ve never liked bugs. They make me uncomfortable.”
“That’s a bit surprising, all things considered. Can I ask why?”
Cup Cake shyly fidgeted with her hooves. “Insects are cruel. When I was little I read a book in school about wasps that lay eggs in other bugs. It sounded like the worst death I could imagine. All the other bug could do was suffer and wait for the end. I’m…better than that.” She buried her face in the pillow and let out a choked sob. “I’m better than that.”
“You didn't have to go in the first place,” Mr. Cake pointed out. “You probably could have just cast a spell on me. I’d never know the difference.”
Cup Cake shook as though he had smacked her. “I wouldn’t! I could never…I l-love you!” She lunged across the bed with surprising agility and clung to him like a frightened child. “Please don’t leave me!”
The idea hit him like a hard kick to the stomach. If this was indeed his wife –and he was almost certain that she was -how could he leave her? She had lied to him for years, but she was still his Cup Cake. He still loved her even if she secretly had fangs and a thirst for blood or whatever it was that changelings needed.
Carrot Cake hugged his crying wife and tried to brush some of her mane out of her face. “I won’t,” he said. “I would never. I love you.”
“You’re just saying that!” Cup Cake howled, indifferent to his attempts at comforting her. “You’re married to a giant bug and now you’ll run off to tell everypony the moment I turn my back! I’ll get banished forever and nopony will ever see me again and I’ll have to live in the Everfree Forest and I’ll be eaten by timber wolves and-”
“Hush!” Carrot demanded. He hit his wife in the face with his pillow to get her attention. “Stop yelling, honey bun. I’ve got a headache.” He curled up and rested against her. “Now I don’t know about you, but I could use a nap. Passing out isn’t very restful and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. We’ll need to have a talk about honesty and trust, but that can wait. For now, just relax.”
Soon Cup Cake stopped crying, but continued to sniff and sob periodically. “You really aren’t going to leave me?” she asked.
“Not unless this turns into Invasion of the Pony Snatchers.” Carrot Cake felt his wife shiver and chuckled. “That settles it; you’re the real Cup Cake.”
“I hate that book so much,” Cup Cake grumbled. “Imagine if it was about how awful and useless earth ponies are. You’d hate every word.”
“And the radio drama gives you nightmares.”
“Awful nightmares!” Cup Cake agreed. “It’s the noise they make. It drives me crazy.”
Carrot Cake laughed as she continued to seethe about her least favorite story. He slowly started to drift off to sleep only to be brought back by something that sounded important. “What would you have done if I was abducted?”
“I’d look for you,” he mumbled. “Do you even have to ask?”
“What would you do when you found me?”
Though he was reluctant to admit it, Carrot Cake hadn’t considered the specifics of how he would rescue his wife. He was one of the least physically intimidating ponies in existence and he would pass out the moment things got dangerous, so violence was out of the question. “I’d sing,” he said after some serious thought. “I’d sit down outside the hive and sing for days on end.”
Cup Cake let out a melodramatic gasp. “I knew you were determined, dear, but that may be crossing a line.”
“I’d do it,” he warned. “Don’t test me, mare.” His serious tone broke down into a fit of laughter, and he settled in for a long nap. “Guess this means we won’t be picking out baby names,” he mumbled.
Cup Cake let out an irritated huff. “Of course we will! Who else is going to name them?” she asked.
Nap time was officially over. Carrot Cake sat bolt upright and felt his pulse begin to race. He took a few calming breaths and tried to wrap his mind around what his wife was suggesting. “Is that even possible?”
“It’s happening, so I guess it is. We’re going to have children.”
“How are we even compatible?” Carrot asked. “Has anything like this ever happened before?”
“I don’t think so. I’m not supposed to have children at all; I’m a drone, not a queen. I don’t know what to expect.” She seemed concerned, but not frightened. Carrot Cake wondered if the trauma of revealing her true self made her pregnancy seem less frightening by comparison. “I’ve been a pony for so long that I forgot how to be anything else. I haven’t even tried to change my shape in almost fifteen years. Maybe I’m a pony for good, and this is the result. I certainly hope that’s the case, because otherwise we’re going to need to come up with a lot of baby names.”
Carrot Cake’s face went pale. He knew that some insects had a queen that could lay hundreds, possibly even thousands of eggs. “H-h-h-how many exactly?”
Cup Cake frowned as she tried to recall what little she knew about her own kind. “I think anywhere from five to ten. No, probably twenty or thirty.” She saw Carrot Cake’s look of horror and tried to smile. It ended up looking more like a strained grimace. “Fifty would be a safe bet.” She dropped the smile and draped one leg over her face so that she wouldn't have to look at him. “Definitely not more than a hundred.”
She’s joking, Carrot Cake thought. When he tried to speak all that came out was a strangled whimper. We couldn’t possibly have that many children. The mind boggles. It’s boggling right now, at this very moment. His condition got the better of him, and he gratefully allowed himself to sink into glorious unconsciousness.
The last thing he heard was the bakery door slamming open. “Everypony stay calm!” Twilight Sparkle shouted. “I’m here to save your basement!”
*****
As the months passed it became abundantly clear that Cup Cake was not going to give birth to an army of changelings. Carrot Cake was still adjusting to the idea that he had married an otherworldly creature, but very little about his routine had changed. He still woke up early, baked pies and cakes, baked again after Pinkie woke up because there was nothing left afterward, and spent lots of time planning for the new addition to the family.
Any lingering concern he felt after learning the truth disappeared very quickly. Cup Cake was back to her old self in no time, and a short visit with her parents confirmed her story. Apart from the occasional mood swing or bout of morning sickness (both of which were becoming much more frequent), the household was happier than it had ever been.
Even Pinkie Pie was more cheerful than usual, which was quite an experience. Sometimes she seemed just as excited about the coming foal as the Cakes. She told all of her friends, her friend’s friends, random ponies she met on the street, and especially her pet alligator Gummy. Gummy, being only almost sentient, did not share her enthusiasm.
Mr. Cake continued to read when business was slow. Today was another slow day, so he had his trusty book at the ready. He was reading another monster story, which made his wife just a little uneasy. She wasn’t worried about him jumping to conclusions anymore; she simply couldn’t stand scary stories.
“Something funny Mr. C?” Pinkie asked as she prepared her morning coffee. She wasn’t quite as bouncy as usual, but a cup filled with caffeine and sugar would provide exactly the boost she needed.
“Just thinking about Cup Cake,” he said, and went back to reading. He looked up again when he realized that Pinkie’s breakfast consisted of nothing but sugary doughnuts and coffee. She had only filled half of her cup with the rich brown liquid and was attempting to top it off with an ungodly amount of sugar. “How can you stand to drink that?” he asked.
Pinkie Pie shrugged and fruitlessly tried to stir her drink. A sound like bricks sliding across a stone floor filled the room.
A panicked voice in the back of his mind began to shout a warning, but Mr. Cake tried his absolute best to ignore it. I’m not going to do this again, he told himself. If I can’t handle these stories then I need to stop reading them.
The pink party pony perked up when the bell above the bakery’s door chimed. One of her friends had come looking for her. “Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “What are you doing? We were supposed to be ready twenty minutes ago!”
Mr. Cake tried not to stare as Pinkie downed her disgusting cup of sugary coffee (or rather, coffee-flavored sugar) in one gulp, along with three doughnuts. Once again her mouth had opened up way too wide. “Sorry for making you wait, Dashie!” she said happily. “I’ve got some great prank ideas. Let’s go get some stuff from my room. Maybe we can even smooch a little while we’re up there!”
“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash shouted. She looked around in a panic to see if anypony had heard. Luckily for her, the bakery was mostly empty. Both mares turned to Mr. Cake, one immensely pleased with herself and the other wishing she could turn invisible.
“Dashie isn’t ready to tell anypony yet,” Pinkie said simply. Mr. Cake crossed his heart and then went through an increasingly elaborate series of movements to indicate the infamous Pinkie Pie Promise. The process had gone through several revisions after one of Pinkie’s friends had found a loophole to exploit. Afterward he resumed his position at the counter and somehow managed to look casual. “See?” Pinkie asked. “We’re safe.”
Rainbow Dash smiled and followed her secret marefriend upstairs. Mr. Cake started to relax and went back to his book. See? He thought. Pinkie is still Pinkie. She even has a marefriend now. There’s nothing to worry about.
Rainbow Dash’s voice drifted down the stairs. “Whoa! How did…how did you get up there?”
Mr. Cake’s eye began to twitch. “Nope!” He laughed and tossed his book all the way across the room and into the trash can. “Nope, nope, nope!”
“Is everything alright, sugarplum?” Cup Cake called. She trotted out of the kitchen and looked around. “Was that Pinkie’s little friend I heard? Do they want something to snack on?”
“Everything’s fine!” Carrot said. He wiped the sweat from his brow and sighed. “I don’t think they want to be interrupted, if you know what I mean.”
Cup Cake stared blankly for a moment, then chuckled. “Oh my! Our little Pinkie has a marefriend? That’s so adorable!”
“Yeah, adorable.” Carrot looked back at the trash can on the other side of the room. Maybe he’d sneak another look at the book after all, just to be on the safe side. One could never be too careful.
Mrs. Cake nudged his shoulder and grinned. “You know, we’ve been very slow today. I don’t think anypony would notice if we slipped away for a bit.”
“To do what?” Mr. Cake asked absently. He was still distracted, but only until the full impact of her words hit home. “Oh! Oh, you mean…yeah. You’re right.” He cheerfully followed his wife upstairs, but paused to look at the strange marks on the ceiling. Two sets of perfectly round rings, just a little wider than his hooves, trailed down the hallway and into Pinkie’s room. Those don’t look like hoof prints, he mused. What kind of creature makes a mark like that?
“Are you coming, dear?” his wife called.
Mr. Cake forced himself to relax. He decided, once and for all, to stop worrying so much. He had a good life and he refused to spend it chasing after imaginary dangers. He forgot all about monsters, strange hoofprints, and baseless suspicions.
He did not, however, forget about his changeling.
*****
While Mr. and Mrs. Cake were distracted, Pinkie Pie was demonstrating her new prank apparatus. “Isn’t this great?” she asked, walking in a small circle around her ceiling fan. A loud pop-thhck accompanied her movements every time she pulled one of the powerful suction cups attached to her hooves away from the ceiling. “This is gonna be so much fun! I’m like Spidercolt!”
“I’m not sure how these are supposed to be fun for me,” Rainbow groused. She was sitting on the bed and watching as the pink pony slowly meandered around the room. “I could just hover in place.”
Pinkie pulled her front legs free of the ceiling and swung down, hanging only by her back hooves. She grabbed Rainbow and pulled her into a surprise kiss. “Upside-down Spidercolt smooches!” she exclaimed.
Rainbow Dash reconsidered the suction cups attached to her legs. Maybe this wasn’t such a lame idea after all.
Author's Note
No, Twilight, that’s…that’s not…oh never mind.
The final scene of Invasion of the Body Snatchers is widely considered to be one of the most terrifying scenes in cinema history. Since television has not been invented in Equestria (as noted in the last chapter) it’s actually a radio drama based on a book. Which, if you think about it, probably makes the sound made by the pod people THAT MUCH WORSE.
Loads of people called the ending right off the bat, although in all fairness I don’t think it was a massive twist. What did you guys think? Too predictable? Just predictable enough? I’d like to take a moment to say that I’m seriously grateful for all the time you guys are taking to read this. AND the story was featured! How cool is that!? I’ve never had a feature before!
Also, see if you can pick out the reference to Mrs. Cake’s voice actress. It shouldn’t be difficult.
