-THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW-
The various ponies of Ponyville had become accustomed to Rainbow Dash performing impressive tricks in the skies above above them. Never in their lives however, had they seen such an unusually spectacular flight session as they had today. The prismatically maned pegasus was flying so fast and making so many break-neck turns and spirals that it appeared as if she were attempting to quilt a blanket in the sky out of the rainbow trail she left behind. The sight left many ponies cheering or gasping in pleasure, however two other unusual things were happening today as well.
The first was that the cyan weather pony was not soaking up the praise like usual, and second, she wasn't practicing any tricks. Today Rainbow Dash was searching as hard and as fast as she could for a certain party-holic pink pony. Rainbow Dash knew she had to find her before she got to Sugar Cube Corner; A scandalous connection between the sweet shop owners, which had been all but rumors before, had now been confirmed. Wind whistling through her hair, Rainbow Dash muttered to herself, "I have to find her before it's too late", and fighting back the thoughts in her head she finished, "Hopefully, it isn't already too late".
Rainbow Dash had already visited the sweet shop, determined to force Pinkie aside if she had to and explain the situation to her, but much to Rainbow Dash's dismay it seemed she had left to run some errands. Doing a half loop and spinning so the ground was beneath her, Rainbow Dash finished her tenth fly over Ponyville and bolted back towards Sugar Cube Corner, hoping her cupcake obsessed quarry hadn't returned to the store while she was scouring the town.
As she approached however, the rainbow maned pegasus' heart suddenly jumped into her throat. Pinkie Pie was approaching the bright pink doors of the bakery. Straining her wings and cursing, Rainbow Dash put on a sudden burst of speed and tackled the pink earth pony just as she had opened the door, causing both of them to slide sideways into a mud puddle beside the entryway.
"Hiya Dashie!" Pinkie pie said bouncing to her feet, seemingly unperturbed by her best friend's sudden arrival and attack. "That was an interesting trick just now! What do you call it?"
"A crash landing", Rainbow Dash replied, her snout still buried deep in the mud.
Giving a chuckle and a snort that made Rainbow Dash blush slightly, Pinkie Pie said, "Oh! I was hoping it was going to be something like 'The Flying Filly Tackle', or the 'Wham-Bam-Rainbow-Slam'! Or-" interrupting the energetic pink ponies rant before it started by sticking a hoof in her mouth, Rainbow Dash looked Pinkie Pie straight in her brilliantly blue eyes and said, "We need to talk about something important".
Receiving a muffled agreement and a nod from the silenced pony, the athletic pegasus removed her hoof from Pinkie Pie's mouth and whispered, "It's about Mr. And Mrs. Cake..."
Pinkie Pie's eyes widened with anticipation and moved her head in closer.
Whispering ever so slightly quieter, Rainbow Dash said, "You know how they've been telling everypony that they're 'Mr.' and 'Mrs.' Cake because they're brother and sister? Well I just heard from some of my friend's at the post office that it isn't true... The two are actually..." glancing left and right, Rainbow Dash finished with, "The two are actually breeders!"
Just as Rainbow Dash had expected, Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped into the air five feet and let out a loud gasp. What she did not expect however, was for Pinkie Pie to say, "Rainbow Dash! I can't believe you used such a icky-wicky-sicky word! Couldn't you have just said straight?!"
"W-what, Pinkie, what are you talking about? Don't you realize how dangerous it is to go in there? They're bree- they're straight!" Rainbow Dash said, grabbing pinkie by the shoulders and shaking her a few times.
Pinkie Pie's face slid into a sharp grimace as she replied, "What are you talking about dangerous, and what does the Cakes being a straight couple have to do with me?"
Not wanting to answer that question, Rainbow Dash replied, "Doesn't the fact that they're straight make you uncomfortable at all? I mean, you know what they say about straight ponies..."
Tilting her nose in the air, Pinkie pie said, "Hmph! Why would I be uncomfortable working for a straight couple? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to be more comfortable?"
"P-Pinkie, you aren't trying to say that you are stra-"
Rainbow Dash never got to finish that question however, as Pinkie Pie had turned and bounced through the sweet shop door. There was a short, silent pause before the colorfully maned pony shot into the air. For the second time that day the ponies of Ponyville were treated to an unintentionally impressive feat of flying as Rainbow Dash raced through the sky, punching and kicking every cloud she set her magenta eyes on.
It couldn't be true! Pinkie Pie was straight! Rainbow Dash had been too late and now she'd never get to be with her giggling bubblegum colored crush. The Cakes... Those breeders had already got to her... They turned her straight! Her pretty pink pony princess had been recruited into the heterosexual agenda! It wouldn't be long now until Pinkie would try to make "One colt, One mare" marriages acceptable and outlaw the normal, natural, Celestia given "every pony to it's own gender" couplings. Scattering a particularly large cloud with a flying karate kick, Rainbow Dash stopped and hovered in mid-air, drawing in a large breath and expelling it slowly. She needed to calm down...
"If the cakes had turned her straight, there must be a way to un-straighten her... But how?", Rainbow Dash said pounding one hoof into the other. The perfect plan came into her head almost instantly, so fast that even the sky colored pegasus was surprised at her own brilliance.
"I'll ask Twilight!" she said triumphantly. If her bookish friend didn't know how to undo heterosexual brainwashing then no one would! Furthermore, she was the protege of Princess Celestia, the very pony who laid down the natural order of things. If anyone would be sympathetic to her plight it would be her! With that comforting thought in the junior speedster pegasi's head, she spun around in the air and flew straight for the Ponyville library.
As she sped over Ponyville, her eyes caught a glimpse of a pink spire topped with a red flag and instantly recognized it as the Carousel Boutique. Rainbow Dash chuckled to herself. After announcing her gala plans to all her friends Rainbow Dash had little wonder what side of the fence Rarity was on in terms of sexuality. No one was all that surprised to learn that she was straight however; while a fashion career was fine for a perfectly normal gay Colt, female fashion designers were some what notorious for being straight. It was rather unfortunate as Rarity and Fluttershy had so much in common and had become almost instant friends after they first met. Rainbow Dash had rather hoped there was something more to it at the time. Celestia knows Fluttershy could do with a little action.
Smirking to herself, Rainbow Dash imagined asking Rarity of all ponies about her problem. She could already imagine the response she would get from the fashion obsessed unicorn.
"What an uncouth suggestion! You are simply born fabulous, or born gay, my dear!"
Something struck Rainbow Dash's face suddenly and instantly gave way, breaking her out of her reverie. Her eyes wide, Rainbow Dash suddenly realized she had flown straight through a library window and was on an unavoidable collision course straight for a bookcase. Colliding with the shelves so hard she made four other bookcases expel their contents, Rainbow Dash stumbled to her feet just in time to hear a familiar voice.
"Sometimes I wonder if you do that on purpose...", Twilight Sparkle said with a slight grimace at the mess. Closing her eyes, the bookish unicorn pointed her horn at the books which started to glow purple and float off the ground.
"Wait! Let me help you with that" Rainbow Dash said quickly, shoveling up some books and stuffing them carelessly back into place. The pegasus had rather hoped to make a better impression before asking her friend for advice, but she would just have to roll with the punches.
"Thank you very much Rainbow Dash. Is there something I can do for you?" Twilight Sparkle replied, hoisting the books magically out of the shelves and putting them in the correct order while her usually unhelpful friend's back was turned.
"Yeah, you see... Umm...", the cyan pony stammered. Not entirely sure how she should ask the question, she decided to just be as honest as she could without revealing too much.
"Well you see, I have this... Uhh... Friend... And she is totally straight!", Rainbow Dash blurted out.
"Oh?", Twilight replied, not turning to look and instead kept systematically returning her tomes to their rightful places.
"Yeah, and she doesn't want to be a breeder anymore.", the cyan pony continued.
"Oh...?", Twilight repeated, only this time she had stopped refiling the shelves, and had instead turned to look at her prismatically themed friend.
"Uh-huh, so how would my friend go about turning homosexual again?", Rainbow Dash asked finally, noticing that her incredibly intelligent friend's mouth was set in a frown.
"Oh Rainbow Dash..", Twilight said, shaking her head and sighing, "I see what's going on here. Listen, it's alright to be heterosexual, you should just be honest with yourself, your friend's will not think any less of-"
"WHAT? No no no...", Rainbow Dash interrupted and waving her hands frantically said, "I'm gay! I'm gayer than flank-less chaps on a colt!"
Raising an eyebrow at her companion, Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat and declared, "Well, all I can say to your, uhh... 'friend' is that sexual orientation does not work that way. You can't really switch from being heterosexual to homosexual or vice-a-versa. Equestrian society just has a homo-normative slant to it, so most straight ponies do not even realize they are straight until their formative years. Do you perhaps know why your 'friend' doesn't want to be straight?"
"Well, I can't speak for my friend..." the athletic pony answered, scratching her temple with her hoof, "But I thought that would be pretty obvious! It's all about sex for them! I mean, can you imagine doing it with a colt? They got that... Thing hanging between their legs! It's all well and good for another colt I guess, but for mares... They have to put that thing inside your... you know..." Rainbow Dash finished, gesturing unnecessarily.
"Ah, yes, be that as it may-"
"And speaking of which, have you heard what happens when a straight has a child? They say your stomach gets all big, so big that it's hard to walk, and you have to pee all the time!" Rainbow Dash said horrified, pushing her stomach out as much as she could in imitation, "and then after a few months a baby comes out of your... You know... It's just so unnatural! I mean, why can't they just do it the normal way and go to Celestia and have her give you a child from the breeding mirror?"
"R-Rainbow Dash.. Look... Argh, where to start...", Twilight Sparkle stammered, before taking a deep breath and continuing, "Putting aside the fact that straight relationships are just as much about love as gay relationships are, we see other animals in nature having offspring through straight sex, which by definition means it can't be 'unnatural', can it?"
"Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's good!" Rainbow Dash retorted, ignoring the fact that she was the one originally who suggested that it was, "I mean, just think of the children Twilight! Don't you know that kids that come from that... Terrifying process... Are always messed up in some way?"
To the acrobatic pegasus' surprise, her purple friend turned narrowed eyes toward her and said flatly, "Oh? And what exactly do you mean by that?"
Faltering slightly under her friend's sudden glare, Rainbow Dash responded, "W-well, you know... All kids from straight couples are always inferior to kids from regular couples in sports, magic, school, and-"
Stamping her hoof so hard she made the floor shudder slightly, Twilight Sparkle disturbed her friend's explanation and said, "Is that so? Well it might interest you to know Rainbow Dash, that I was conceived by a straight couple! And last I checked, I was the protege to the Princess herself! Therefore all kids from straights can't be inferior to gay parent's children in all areas. Not to mention-"
The cyan pegasus wasn't really listening past though, and could only gape wide-eyed at her enraged friend as she continued on. How had she not known one of her best friends was the child of a straight couple? Rainbow Dash tried her best to think of any mention Twilight had made of her parents, and could only think of her cutie mark story. Even then, she hadn't said anything about them being a straight couple, so the rainbow-haired pony assumed they were just a gay couple like any other.
"-and do you realize how much it hurts when a pony you love and respect accuses you of being straight and thinks less of you for it?"
"Wait, you aren't straight? But your parents are straight!", Rainbow Dash cried out accidentally. She really wished she hadn't, as her friend's face went from anger to rage.
"You too? Why does everypony assume that just because my parents were straight that I will be also? That would be as ridiculous as claiming that gay children only ever come out of gay parents!", Twilight snorted while advancing on her heterophobic blue friend.
"Err, eh-heh, right! I didn't mean to imply anything, or... I'm sorry!", Rainbow Dash apologized, backing up and breaking out into a cold, fearful sweat as she came in contact with a wall.
Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle stopped and stepped back a few paces, turned away, and took several deep breaths. After a few seconds Twilight Sparkle said, "No, I apologize... You- I mean your 'friend' only wanted some advice and here I am ranting at you." At that point Twilight turned to face her again, and to Rainbow Dash's embarrassment, she saw that the purple unicorn's eyes were wet with tears. "It's a shame there is such a stigma towards heterosexuals in our culture, but your 'friend' should know that she is only hurting herself by not accepting who she truly is."
"Y-yeah, I suppose so...", Rainbow Dash said and seeing that her friend had turned away again to wipe some tears from her face, had a sudden thought. Twilight said that someone she had loved and respected had thought less of her for apparently being straight, and though the athletic rainbow pegasus couldn't claim to be incredibly smart, she had a good idea who that pony was.
With some trepidation she asked, "Hey Twilight... It wasn't... Princess Celestia who thought you were straight was it?"
Blushing slightly, the protege replied, "T-Technically lots of ponies have thought that after hearing my parents were straight, but Princess Celestia's assumptions were the only ones that really hurt. Her obvious surprise and intense relief at finding out I was in fact gay was also a little embarrassing... It's kind of funny really, in all the years I have known her the only thing the Princess and I have ever argued about were the rights for different sexual orientations."
"For what it's worth Twilight, I'm sorry about that. Uh, I should probably get going.", Rainbow Dash said trying to hide the disappointment from her voice. Rather than giving her a plan that could convert Pinkie Pie back from heterosexuality, it had destroyed her hope altogether. All she wanted to do now was find a good cloud to go and sulk on.
Taken aback slightly, Twilight replied, "Oh, alright! See you later Rainbow Dash, make sure your 'friend' thinks about what I said!" and after giving a noncommittal answer, Rainbow Dash flew out the same window she crashed through and rose into the air, not stopping until she found a cloud that escaped her previous tantrum to slump over like a sky blue rag over a white towel rack.
"Well, that's the end of it I guess", the cyan pony said to herself. Her precious pink pony was straight and there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn't see a way around it. What Twilight said had made a lot of sense. She had much more experience with breeders. Her parents were after all straight. Wait a second...
"Her parents are straight! HA!", Rainbow Dash flew up suddenly, pumping her fist in the air. Of course! She should have realized her mistake the second Twilight had said that! She was raised by a straight couple! She would be even more brainwashed into the heterosexual agenda than Pinkie Pie! After all, had Twilight not said herself that she argued with the Princess over straight rights? Perhaps there was still a way to make a pony un-straight! But she wasn't sure who she could ask...
Rainbow Dash snorted once again at the thought of asking Rarity...
Being old friends with Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash knew she wouldn't know...
Pinkie Pie was the problem...
...All that was left was Applejack!
Thinking about it a bit harder, Rainbow Dash figured she should have gone to Applejack first. The Apple family was after all, a very traditional down-to-earth Celestia fearing family. If anyone would know, it would be them! With that glimmer of hope still held tightly in her heart, the magenta eyed pony set her sights (and wings) on Sweet Apple Acres.
