1: Connection with Twilight
1: Connection with Twilight
Chapter One: Connection with Twilight
Ethan was a nice guy.
He had a nice smile, nice hair, and a nice personality. Or so he was always told. He tugged on his collar, straighten it, and wiped the sweat from his neckline. The air conditioner must have been on the fritz again. Still, it would be unbecoming to sweat on his work clothes. After all, he wore such nice clothes. He had a nice tie, a nice suit, and nice shoes. Or at least so he was always told. He rolled his pen between his fingers. It was a nice pen. It had a nice glossy surface, a nice flow of ink, and a nice little LED light on the cap. “World’s #1 Accountant” came into view, embossed on the side of it in bright gold letters. It had been a gift from his boss, Mr. Penumbra, when he did a “nice job” on the last set of numbers.
Being an accountant for a big company was a nice job. It had nice pay, nice benefits, and nice hours. He stared out the window of his office and sighed at the sunset. It… usually… had nice hours. Or so he was always told. He was working late again. Another late night in a lonely office. Now, of course, it was a nice office with a nice desk and a nice view of the Cleveland skyline. Or so he was always told. Cleveland was a nice enough city to live in. It had nice people, a nice crime rate, and nice prices. Or so he was always told.
Yes, Ethan was a nice guy. Nice in every sense of the word. And that, you see, was precisely the problem.
Down in the bowels of creation, hidden in between atoms and quarks. Down in the very fundamental forces of the universe, where gods and demigods and goddesses and demigoddesses meet to play poker in a poorly lit room behind a supernova in the center of the galaxy. Down at their little game table when the bets were first placed it was determined. A set of house rules. Now nobody, not even the dealer of that little game down there behind the supernova, knows why. Perhaps it can’t be known for sure. But, you see, it’s an essential fact of the universe. No matter what happens. No black hole, no quantum irregularity, nor world spinning backwards could change this one fact. And that fact is….
The universe hates nice guys.
“Still though,” Ethan said to his computer screen, “Sometimes nice guys get lucky, right?” He sighed. “Well it’s got to be probable at least, right?”
Sadly the spreadsheet program he was running was never designed to answer philosophical questions. If it had been, two things would have been true about this universe. One, that meaning of life would have been discovered. And two, that a user would have to have enabled macros before being able to read it.
There was, however, a certain tranquility in numbers that could transport Ethan to a Zen-like state. As he stared at the second round of semi-quarterly figures for the new benefits package to grace his company’s expense tables he could feel the world blur around him. His office grew dark as the last rays of the sun were engulfed by skyscrapers, the teeth of the horizon. The dusk time lighting lit his office in interesting ways. The cool violet reflected off of the shiny black polished surface of his desk. A blinding glimmer shone into his eye. Ethan ducked his head to the side so the glare wouldn’t affect his ability to see the computer screen.
The light once again blinded his eyes. He raised one of his hands to shield his vision. The glare countered by flashing on and off. He could only imagine a patchy cloud must have been moving in front of the sun. Without looking he reached over and pulled the blinds shut to his window. To his surprise the purple light again blinked into this eyes. The speed of the flashing increased and Zen-like state or not, this glare was beginning to get on his nerves. He looked up from his computer screen to see what could possibly be causing the irritating purple light.
Now in every person’s life there comes a point where something occurs that they are not even remotely prepared for. Sometimes this event is something as simple as a job promotion. Sometimes this event is something sad like a death of a loved one. Sometimes this event is something scary like a car crash. Sometimes though…. Sometimes it’s something rather wonderful. And sometimes…. Sometimes it will change the life of the person forever. For Ethan it was about to be all five.
Before Ethan’s eyes was the strangest sight he had ever seen up to this point in his life. A swirling purple mass of light and smoke hypnotized his tiny nice guy brain. He could only conclude he was staring into a portal to the beyond. This portal could have easily been vindictive or evil. It could have easily devoured Ethan’s nice little office with his nice little desk and nice little view of the Cleveland skyline. It could have dissolved his whole company with brilliant rays of energy. It could have unleashed a hell beast that would ravage the world in eternal misery.
Though it never did those things. Instead it just sat there and pulsed with a blinding light. It was because of that Ethan was convinced of two very important things. One, he was sure that the portal was friendly. And two, that he had most certainly been staring at his spreadsheet program for far too long.
“Hello?” Ethan asked the portal.
Sadly the portal was not one of those magical portals that answers all questions shouted near it. If it had been, two things would have been true about this universe. One, that the meaning of life would have been discovered. And two, that the following wonderful set of events would have never transpired.
The portal, not being one of those question answering portals did little to respond. At least at first it seemed. Soon the flashing light was again blinding poor Ethan’s vision. Though even with his eyes blinded, Ethan had a thought. Perhaps it was possible to communicate with the portal. After all if strange globs of energetic mist and mystical energy were going to appear in his office without first checking his meeting calendar and scheduling a conference room then all bets must have been off.
Now being a Certified Public Accountant covers a lot of laws and finical scenarios. Strangely enough, mystical portals or contact with beings from beyond the dimensional barrier were not covered. Though Ethan suspected that a miscellaneous tax deduction might be possible if pictures were provided. Still, Ethan wouldn’t own a “World’s #1 Accountant” pen if it was useful for something. He raised the end of the pen to face the portal and he flicked the little switch on the side. The tiny LED flickered on and off back at the portal. To his surprise the portal flashed back the same pattern.
“I don’t believe it. This is not happening.” First contact with a mystical beyond. And his mother had always tried nudging him into a science degree. Well… he’d give her and earful next time she called. If he survived the explosion that was happening right before his eyes.
Light and smoke filled the room as the portal widened. It threatened to swallow poor Ethan. In the center of the swirling mass of light was a shadowy figure. He couldn’t make out its exact shape, but it was clearly moving and it was clearly beckoning to him. A distorted voice spoke. “Ethan the Number Slayer?”
“What?” Ethan fell backwards into his rolling chair. Did the magic portal just speak his name? Well yes. Yes it did.
“Are you Ethan the Number Slayer?” The portal demanded.
Now Ethan had been called many things by many people over his short lifetime. But he had never, to the best of his knowledge, been called a Slayer by a shadowy figure in a mystic portal. Still, if he had learned anything from watching 80’s movies involving extra-dimensional beings made of energy, he knew that when someone asks if you’re a slayer of numbers you say yes. “Uh… Yes… I am Ethan.” And if there was anything he learned in big business it was always have plausible deniability. Or something. He wasn’t exactly sure of the correct term, but he could safely say he answered with a true statement. He was most definitely named Ethan. “Uh… To whom am I speaking?” Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure of proper portal etiquette. He assume gentlemanly politeness was the law of the land, but this was an alien species. For all he knew he could be Flrobing the Gaffkaxi. Or something.
The portal collapsed with a flash of light. The shadowy figure stepped forth in a moment that should have lived in history. The first extra-dimensional being to step foot inside our universe. And she choose to visit an accountant’s office. In Cleveland. She should have been greeted with respect and authority. Instead she was greeted with a frightened man huddling behind the desk. “I am Twilight.” Said the being.
“Oh god! Twilight as in…. the zone?” Ethan shuddered.
“Uh… no?” The voice responded with some uncertainty.
Ethan began to lift his head above the desk so he could get a view of this strange talking creature. “Uh… then uh… Twilight as in… the uh… book?” At the last second decision he ducked back down behind the desk.
“Uh…. No. No. I do like books though. I’m Twilight Sparkle as in… the pony. From Equestria.”
“Pony…?” Ethan stood up from his desk and saw the most alarming sight he had ever seen. Now he was fully prepared for some sort of blob monster, metal trashcan robot, or a little green man. But never in his dreams had he thought that his first contact with an extra-dimensional being would be a lavender pony-shaped creature. Though to be perfectly fair, he did not dream often about first contact with an extra-dimensional being. “You’re… a purple talking pony-ish thing.”
The pony gasped. “And you’re… a talking pinkish ape thingy. I never imagined humans looked so… uh…” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she winced. “Unique.”
Ethan attempted to take a step forward. His eyes were focused on the strange sight before him. His foot collided with the leg of his desk producing a loud thud. He tried not to wince with pain. “You’re a purple talking pony.” He said once more.
The creature tilted her head and her ears flattened back. “Yes. I’m a purple talking pony. A unicorn actually.” The creature raised a hoof and tapped a purple horn on her head.
Ethan reeled back. The full ramifications of the evening’s events were hitting him. “But unicorns aren’t real.”
“Humans aren’t real.” The unicorn said. “At least not where I come from.”
Ethan approached the unicorn and lifted his hand. “This can’t be happening. You can’t be real.”
The unicorn lifted her hoof and brought it close to Ethan’s hand. “One way to find out.”
As his hand came in contact with the unicorn’s hoof a spark of electricity jolted through the two. “Ouch! Okay. I guess I’m not dreaming.”
The unicorn rubbed her hoof. “Must be residual energy from the world linking spell. Ah! But you’re real! You’re really, really real! Do you know what this means?”
“There’s a unicorn in my office.”
The unicorn jumped up and down and pranced around the room. “Yes! Which means it worked! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It worked! It worked! It worked! YES!”
“What worked?”
“Rainbow said I couldn’t do it. But I did. I successfully cast a spell that linked two parallel worlds together!”
“But how can there be a unicorn in my office?!” Ethan asked. There were over three hundred and twenty eight questions floating around in the accountant’s head at that time. Ninety percent of them were variations of “How can there be a unicorn in my office?” The other ten percent were variations on “Dear god, why me?”
“Oh!” Said the purple unicorn as her horn began to glow. “I almost forgot!” The flaps on a bag strapped to the unicorn’s body opened with some unseen force. A large scroll unfurled and the unicorn began to read aloud from it. “Ahem. I Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn of Equestria, am hereby honored to be part of this historical event. We Equestrians have always yearned for peaceful first contact with another species outside of our world. I can proudly say I am privileged to be the first to extend a hoof...” The unicorn mumbled for a bit. “Extend hoof as you say this line….” The creature lifted its front leg and jutted it out towards Ethan. “To extend a hoof in friendship! May mine be the first in a long line of many meetings and friendships to come!”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless. The corners of his mouth twitched.
The unicorn glanced at the human and then back at the paper. “It says here now we greet each other with a hoofshake.”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless, his eyes twitching erratically.
The unicorn rolled up the paper, dropped her hoof to the ground, and sighed. “Right… that makes sense why should you have the concept of a hoofshake? You don’t even have hooves…. Sorry, silly me.”
Ethan stood in front of the creature speechless, his fingers twitched slightly.
“Uh… I hope extending a limb like that is not seen as an insult or anything in this universe.” The unicorn’s expression changed to worry. “Uh… in my world it’s an offering of friendship….” The unicorn began to pace in place. “Don’t screw this up, Twilight!” The unicorn lifted up a book out of her bag and pointed to it. “See, it says right here in the Canterlot Dictionary. Hoofshake. Noun. A gripping and shaking of right fore-hooves by two individuals, as to symbolize greeting, congratulation, agreement, or farewell.” She flipped through the pages rapidly. “Though it I suppose the term individuals, while not referring only to ponies in the letter, I have a feeling the spirit of the definition never accounted for first contact with humans.” The unicorn began to twirl around in place. “I’ve ruined EVERYTHING!”
Ethan was jolted alert by the unicorn’s shout. “But how can you be speaking English?”
“Huh?” The unicorn spun around. “What’s English?”
Several books could have been written why a life form from another world would speak English perfectly. Linguists could argue over the improbability that a similarly constructed set of grammar rules would have a nearly identical lexicon without a common root language. However even if such a collection of books existed and even if a collection of suitably boring linguists could be gathered to debate the improbability it still wouldn’t change the fact that Ethan was witnessing a miniature horse speak in a language he understood. Nevertheless, having a suitable answer to that question wouldn’t put Ethan’s mind at ease.
“How did you even get in here?” Ethan asked as he shook his head in disbelief.
“Oh!” A large tome with a dark blue cover floated out of the unicorn’s bag. “I used Starswirl the Bearded’s book of forbidden spells. It took some practice but I was able to get the harmonization of the particle loops to tune into an actual parallel world. The key is really to get the energy lattice to resonate with the internal threshold fractals at a suitable amplitude for the formation of…”
Yes, it was true that the unicorn was speaking some form of English. Though most of the vocabulary seemed to be foreign to Ethan. Perhaps it would have helped if Ethan had gone into a science degree. Like his mother had suggested. Though having a suitable answer to that question wouldn’t put Ethan’s mind at ease. And it most certainly wouldn’t stop the knocking at Ethan’s office door, interrupting the unicorn’s rather detailed explanation.
A high pitched, though undeniably male, voice called out as the doorknob to Ethan’s office rotated. “Hey, Ethan… I was just…”
The human brain’s ability to process large collections stimuli quickly is sometimes alarmingly fast. In the case of Ethan’s brain the following fragments of thoughts sped through in sequence: door, another person, people have eyes, unicorn in the room, unicorn will be seen, person will freak out, person will tell others, mass hysteria, unicorn knows my name, I’ll end up in a lab, secret underground lab, secret underground labs don’t have clean restrooms, I’ll die of some horrid restroom-based plague, that’s a rather undignified death, can’t go to lab, can’t let unicorn talk to them, can’t let unicorn be seen, can’t let person in room, can’t let door open.
Unfortunately the human brain’s ability to execute a large string of complex events quickly is sometimes alarmingly terrible. “Door!” Was all Ethan managed to shout as the nice wooden entryway began to open.
Fortunately unicorn brains, or at least the one belonging to the purple unicorn in Ethan’s office, responded rather well to short commands shouted loudly in their ears. Without so much as a single iota of though, the unicorn’s horn glowed brilliantly and with a loud smack the door to Ethan’s office slammed closed. “Wha…?”
“Hey!” Said the voice from the other side of the door.
With a mighty leap, Ethan slammed his side against the door, pinning it shut with his shoulder. “Uh… busy. Very busy right now…. Spreadsheets, numbers, debits, credits, double-underlined total rows, and all that.”
The voice on the other side chuckled. “Chill, bro. It’s John. Mr. P. went home, like, two hours ago.”
“Who’s John?” The unicorn asked. “And why can’t he come in?”
“Hey, E. Do you have someone in there?” The door handle started to turn.
Ethan gripped the doorknob tightly. His voice reeked of nervousness. “Uh. No. Nobody’s here but me.”
“I’m here.” The unicorn said with an irritated snort. “You know, first contact with an alien species? Kind of important?”
“Funny. It sounds like you’ve got a girl in there! What’s she saying? I can’t hear her though the door.” John said from behind the door. “She sounds hot.”
Ethan leaned harder into the door, keeping it shut tightly despite John’s attempts. “Uh no.” Ethan glanced back at the unicorn. “No girls here.”
“But….” The unicorn looked bewildered for a moment. “Oh! Silly me. I should have guessed that wouldn’t be obvious to an alien species. I’m female. How do humans tell their genders apart? Are there specific pheromones that help you know? Are you sexually dimorphic like us Equestrians?” The unicorn placed a hoof to her mouth. “Not that you’d be able to tell. I’m the first unicorn you’ve seen so there wouldn’t exactly be a stallion around for reference.”
“Sure sounds like there’s a girl in there.” John said. “Major props. I didn’t think you of all people had it in ya. Bro you gotta open this door so I can give you a high five.”
“There’s no girl in here!”
“Bro, I can hear her.”
“That’s… uh… Skype. I’ve got a call running on my computer.” Sometimes it’s amazing how fast the human brain can concoct a convincing fabrication. “That’s why I’m so busy. Yup.”
The unicorn tapped her hoof on the floor. “No. No. It’s Sparkle. Sort of like Twinkle but with an S. I’m not sure how you could mispronounce it so badly. Twilight Sparkle. Not Skype.”
“Dude. Are you holding the door handle so I can’t come in? What Skype call could you possibly have at eight o’clock at night that is so important you don’t have time for your Broski?”
“It’s uh. My girlfriend.”
The unicorn jumped back and slinked to a far corner of the room. “Oh no, no, no!” Ethan watched as the unicorn’s face turned a bright shade of red. “No. Um… no. If I somehow agreed to marriage or… or… consummation… by something I said or did… or didn’t do… or didn’t say… I wholeheartedly apologize. I assure you it was completely unintentional! I am not interested in courtship… at this time.” The unicorn winced and her ears flattened against the sides of her head. “Uh! Not that that would be a bad thing. I’m sure you’re quite handsome for a human stallion!”
Ethan placed his hand to his mouth and whispered harshly at the babbling unicorn. “Hey!”
“Uh?! Mare?” The unicorn tried to hide behind her hooves as Ethan glared at her. “Stallion! Sorry! Of course it’s not hard to tell at all! Right? I mean… your… uh… mane color gives it away! Right?”
“Shut up!” Ethan placed his finger on his lips and hissed. “Shhhh!”
John laughed from the other side of the door. “Right. Your girlfriend. She probably lives in Canada, eh?”
“She could! Canada is like only an hour away from Cleveland. But um… I’m right in the middle of a very important conversation right now! So come… back… later….”
“Yes! Important! First contact here! Go away!” The unicorn added in a singsong.
“Fine, fine.” John said. “When you get a minute come out here and see this thing I made. It’s pretty epic.”
Ethan held his hand up in the air and gestured angrily even though he knew John couldn’t see him through the door. “John, I have absolutely no time for your shenanigans today. I’m… dealing with something huge in this room.”
“Huge? How did you come to that conclusion?” The unicorn inspected her side and then glanced back at the human. “It looks like you’re a about a foot taller than me.”
“Would you just…!” Ethan pantomimed a strangle. “John, I know you’re still there. Go away. Don’t you have work to do or something?”
“Ugh. What’s gotten in to you today, E.? Fine, I’m going. Seriously though. You gotta check this out when you get a minute.” John knocked twice on the door and then, from the sound of his footsteps, appeared to walk away.
Ethan sighed and slid down the length of the door. He was sweating and his hair was a mess. He slunk to the floor and exhaled loudly. “Whew.” For a brief moment a wave of relief washed over the human.
“He seems nice.” Said the unicorn, striking fear back into the human. “Is he one of your friends? Why isn’t he allowed to see me?”
“You’re a unicorn! You don’t exist! You have to go away! Why are you here?!”
“I told you. I’m Twilight Sparkle. I’m a unicorn pony from Equestria, a parallel world to this one. I came here through an inter-dimensional portal to make first contact with the human race.”
The human ran a hand through his hair. “Listen… uh… Twilight…?” The unicorn nodded. “I don’t know why you’re here.” The unicorn opened her mouth. “And frankly I don’t care to know.” The human tried to speak with as calm a tone as possible. “And you seem like you’re a very nice… uh extra-dimensional horse… thing.
“Unicorn.”
“Right… but the thing is. Unicorns don’t exist in this universe. If anyone finds you they will cart you off to an underground lab and cut you open to see what makes you tick.”
The unicorn shook her head. “That doesn’t make sense. Proper scientific procedure would suggest that I would be more useful alive than dead. That way they could conduct behavioral experiments. Dissection should always happen after a natural death on the first subject.”
Ethan sighed. “Clearly this is your first time amongst humans. I’m telling you, your best bet is to just go. If you could just open that portal back up and go away that would be just great.”
The unicorn’s ears folded down. “The amount of magic required to generate the critical frequency of the resonance is substantial enough that I can only achieve….”
“Okay. You’re doing that thing where I ask a question and you speak a lot of words that don’t answer it.”
“Sorry, um… The average unicorn metabolism only converts twenty percent of its calorie intake per day to arcanic forillium and the maximum….”
“GAH! Just go home!” Ethan gripped either side of his face.
“That’s what I was trying to tell you, the inter-dimensional portal requires a….”
“Three words or less!”
“I… uh… can’t.”
“So… that means… what? I’m stuck with you?”
“Yes.” The unicorn nodded. “Well, at least until…”
“Ugh!” Ethan huffed. “I’m not going to the secret underground labs for this! I swear to god! You are just going to have to fend for yourself!”
“But I’m not from this world! If humans are as cruel as you say I could be in danger! You can’t just throw me out! You wouldn’t be that mean would you?”
Well that was certainly true. Ethan couldn’t in good conscious leave the poor thing alone, stranded in an alien world. Ethan was too nice a guy. “Alright…. But I’ve got to get you to a less conspicuous location.”
Too bad the universe hates nice guys.
Author's Note
I'm trying a different style of narration compared to my other works. This one is definitely more ramble-y, but hopefully it's entertaining.
Also I haven't entirely decided how this is going to end up. Romance? Adventure? Comedy? All three? We'll see.
Anyway, enjoy! XD
2: Escaping with Twilight
2: Escaping with Twilight
“You can’t stay here,” were the first words of a half-baked plan that was forming inside Ethan’s head. The plan, which we’ll call Operation Blunder for now, consisted of four steps. Step one: panic. Step two: pace back and forth. Step three: panic again, but slightly less this time. Finally, step four: actually come up with a plan. Thus, Operation Blunder B was concocted. Unfortunately it contained much of the same steps.
“Why can’t I stay here, again?” The unicorn asked in a polite tone. Scientists have often asked the question if there is anything more irritating in the universe than someone acting calm when you’re upset. It turns out there is, but it isn’t pretty.
“I don’t live here. This is just where I work and people come in and out of this office all day. Others will see you.”
“And if others see me? They’ll… turn me into a science experiment?” Twilight said with a giggle.
“Yes! Maybe. I don’t know….” Ethan paced around the room. “Look. This isn’t exactly a common situation. It’s it best to error on the side of safety, right?”
“Do you really think so low of your species that they will abduct a new, peaceful life form just because I look different?” Twilight frowned slightly. “Are you going to tell me some mumbo-jumbo about evil dances and being gobbled up in big tasty stews?”
Ethan paced around the room and ran his hands through his hair. “Ugh…. How can I explain the horrors of humanity to someone who doesn’t even have hands? Oh!” Ethan spun around and snapped his fingers. “Frankenstein! It’s just like Frankenstein.”
“What?”
“Oh, right. I guess I shouldn’t expect you to know who Frankenstein is.” Ethan quickly reached for his rolling chair. His fingers gracefully rolled up and down the keyboard of his computer, pressing buttons at a speed that most hackers in movies would envy. He was Mozart and the computer, his ivories. Soon he had completed his search and with a few clicks of the mouse his labor was done. His task completed, he uttered the famous words. Words that were spoken right before the devastating final blow in combat. Words mouthed moments before an Olympic-class gymnast shows off a maneuver. Words once uttered by many a famous magician right before they perform an impossible feat of prestidigitation. Or, in Ethan’s case, words that are spoken before one takes part in the forbidden dark ritual of YouTube video sharing. “Watch this.”
Twilight huddled around the strange glow of the computer screen. On the computer screen a man in a tux was lecturing the audience about the horrifying nature of the film that about to play. “What is…?”
Ethan shushed the unicorn. “Just watch it. It’s a haunting tale about how humans can’t accept things that they don’t fully understand.”
Twilight stared at the computer screen for a moment. “But…. This is a historic moment! First contact! I shouldn’t waste it watching a movie!” The unicorn placed her hooves on the side of the monitor. “How does this thing work anyway? Where’s the projector?” She picked up the keyboard with her magic. “Where do the film reels go?”
“Just watch it!” Ethan ran his palm down his face. “You want to experience human culture? There’s a classic part of it.” The human quickly walked to the office door. “You stay here and watch that.” He opened the door just a smidge and peeked out the crack. “I’m going to figure out how to sneak you out of here….” Without waiting for a rebuttal from the unicorn, and from the nearly two minutes he had spent with her he was sure she would have one, Ethan slipped through the door and closed it quietly.
Ethan’s current plan, if a single notion could even be called a plan, was to check if the coast was clear down the hallway that lead to the staircase. If he was lucky everyone on the top floor would have gone home already.
Now it’s a common known fact that there’s no louder sound than the sound of a person’s own footsteps when that person is trying to be quiet. Except, perhaps the sound of their breathing. Ethan was struggling to tiptoe from his office door so he could see down the hallway. The sun was falling fast and the hallway window was bathing the corridor in an orange light that made Ethan feel uneasy. As he walked down the hallway he nervously poked his head into each office he passed, checking to see if he was hopefully the only one working late.
He made his way to John’s office. Thankfully, his eccentric friend appeared to have gone home. “It looks like I’m actually in luck.” Ethan whispered to himself. “Everybody has gone home.”
As Ethan made his way down the hallway he passed by an ornate wooden door. If ever he needed proof that the universe was working against him, it was provided as he passed the door. It so happens that not only was the door open, but the light in the office was on. Not only was the office door open, light on, but the office resident was inside. Not only was the office door open, light on, currently occupied, but the office owner was none other than Ethan’s boss: Walter Penumbra.
Walter was the Chief Executive Officer of the Penumbra Star Corporation, a manufacturing based company that made high quality drill bits. Diamond tipped drill bits, to be specific. They also dabbled in lower-end diamond jewelry. As it stood, Walter didn’t like the business’s core market, but as he would often joke: Where else could he work? His name was already owned by the company! Penumbra Star was a family company passed down through old money in the Cleveland area. Walter’s father had run the company and so had his great-grandfather. And while he never had married, Walter was still expected to pass on the position to an heir.
Now Walter was a decent guy. He was a hard worker, devoted to his family’s company. If he had any real character faults it was probably over-devotion to his family’s company. At his core, Walter was very much like Ethan. A tad lonely, if he was honest with himself. Walter always had a stuffy air about him. He was a down to earth gentleman, but his position in the company always made others weary of his presence. Thankfully he had found some friends, to use the term loosely, with his fellow coworkers who shared the top floor. And while he often made them work late, he was understanding and only did so because the company truly needed the extra work. Power, though he possessed it, did not turn him into an evil man. Then again, perhaps he just didn’t have enough power. Yet.
All and all he was a fair boss. If you preformed you were rewarded. If you failed. Well. Ethan didn’t fail. He certainly liked his job. Despite the current situation Ethan was in it was for precisely this reason that he snapped to attention Walter’s office when called. “Ethan?”
Ethan turned to a nearby tacky plastic potted plant and shuddered. “Why now?” His whispered to the fake plant quietly.
Sadly the plastic potted plant was not equipped with circuitry designed with the capability to answer philosophical questions about how an incomprehensible sequence of events could produce one particular outcome at a particular time. If it had been, two things would have been true about this universe. One, that the future would have been easily predicted. And two, that the janitorial staff would no doubt pour water on the fake plant anyway, destroying the circuits.
“Ethan, could you come in here for a moment?” Walter said in a quiet, yet commanding voice.
“Um… I’m kind of busy at the moment.” Ethan poked his head in the CEO’s office. “I’m just getting ready to head home.”
“Well, then I’ll make it quick.” Walter said with a smile. “I just need your signature.”
“Uh… sure…” Ethan said with a nod. Like all of the high ranked employees on the top floor of the building, Walter was dressed in spiffy black tie wear. When he stood up, his exaggeratedly tall and svelte form was imposing. Yes, if asked he would gladly recount his college basketball years at his cushy Ivy League school. He could have gone professional, you know, but sadly he injured his knee. Currently, he was doing that thing again. That thing Ethan hated, engulfing Ethan in his shadow. His office had a desk lamp situated behind him, presumably to illuminate the paintings on the wall, but it mostly seemed employed to cast Walter’s shadow across his desk and overtop of whoever he was talking to. “What do you need me to sign?”
“This here.” Walter slid a large pad of paper across his desk. “It’s the RFP for that mine in Canada.” He flipped through the pages until a signature line appeared. “I just need you to sign here acknowledging that we reviewed this on Wednesday.”
Ethan reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out his trusty “World’s #1 Accountant” pen and began to sign. “Uh… sure.”
Walter looked down and frowned. “Is something wrong, Ethan? Your hand is a little shaky.”
“Just… uh… excited for the weekend. You know… it’s Friday, eight o’clock and I’m eager to head home.”
“Well, I’m sorry this couldn’t wait then.” Walter said with a nod. The tall man sat down on the edge of his desk and folded his hands. “We need this agreement. If we don’t secure a new supplier soon… I don’t want to think what would happen to this company. My family’s company. I just want to do everything possible to keep this company alive, you know?”
“We all do.” Ethan said. Under normal circumstances he would have smiled at Walter, but was far too frazzled at the moment. “Is that all?”
“You need to sign the next page too.” Walter tapped the document. “Though nothing that can be done but to apply a little more elbow grease. Sometimes I wish there was a magic genie that could just solve all our supply problems.” Walter laughed.
Ethan started to date the signature. “Well those are hard to come by.”
“Yeah. Not too many genies floating around. Probably went dead with the fairies and unicorns.” Walter broke into a hearty laugh. “Do let me know if you come across one though.”
“Walt, you words are… so ironically chosen right now you couldn’t even know.” Ethan said to his friend nervously. “Well you know…” Ethan twisted the pen, retracting the tip. “You always have my support. Except right now. I have to head home for the evening.”
It seems that every person has an object that follows them throughout the important parts of life. For some people it’s a car that never seems to break down despite its terrible age. For others it’s the unwanted bag of coffee grinds that is continuously re-gifted at each holiday until it makes its way full circle. For Ethan it was his “World’s #1 Accountant” pen. It was given to him on the day he moved to the top floor of the company building. It was the pen he used to sign the paperwork for his house, which he loved dearly. It was the pen he used to sign for his car, which he loved dearly. And, of course, it was the little LED light on the top which he used to signal and extra-dimensional being that he was on the other side of a mystical portal. Which he did not love dearly.
Often a pen is called an instrument of creativity. For the universe, which hated nice guys, Ethan’s “World’s #1 Accountant” pen was slated to be an instrument of Ethan’s misery, for reasons which have yet to be explained. In his rush to get out of the Walter’s office, Ethan left his pen on Walter’s desk. Now at the time such a detail seems trivial, but this small action would soon start a chain of events that would drastically change the lives of those who worked in the top floor of the Penumbra Star building.
“Have a good evening, Ethan.” Walter said with a smile. “Oh. Are you going to be at John’s on Sunday?”
“Uh? Yeah. Yeah.” Ethan bolted out of the door and closed it behind him without another word. He quickly made his way back to his own office. The walk back down the hallway was much different than the one away from his office. His movement was much faster. He cared little about the sound of his footsteps or breathing. His hand fumbled with the door handle. Much to his relief, the unicorn was still sitting in his roller chair and watching the video on his computer screen. Much to his dismay, the unicorn was still sitting in his roller chair and watching the video on his computer screen.
“You’re back.” Twilight said, not taking her eyes away from the screen. The light from the black and white picture flickered against her face in the dark room. “I don’t think this film is about what you think it’s about. Have you ever watched this Frankenstein?”
Ethan walked over to the unicorn and ran his hand through his hair. “Well, no. It’s an old film. But its message is ingrained in human culture. At least here in America.”
“America? That’s… the country.” Twilight said with a nod.
Ethan balked at the unicorn’s comment. “That’s… right. How did you know that?” Before the pony could answer, Ethan spoke again. “But that’s not important now. We need to get you out of here.” He reached down and pressed the power button of his computer.
“Where are we going?” Twilight asked with a tilt her head.
“My house. At least until I can figure out what to do with you.” Ethan reached over to his coat rack. He pulled his coat off of the hook on the wall. “Here… put this on.”
Twilight stared at the coat suspiciously. “I’m not sure that will fit my anatomy.”
“I meant like this.” He tossed the coat over the pony’s back. The coat draped over the unicorn’s form, covering up most of her. Ethan pulled the collar of the coat up and over top of the pony’s head. “There… now you’re… inconspicuous.” Ethan chuckled nervously.
“Inconspicuous?” Twilight’s snout poked out from the coat. “Are there many quadrupedal coat wearing creatures in the human world?”
Ethan ran his hand through his hair. “I could do without the sarcasm!”
“Sarcasm? I was actually asking a legitimate question. Though I take it that the answer to my question is no.” Twilight chuckled. “You have no idea how excited I am to learn about human culture!”
“Shh!” Ethan opened up the door to his office. “Okay, here’s the plan. There’s a staircase at the end of this hallway. We’re just going to quietly tiptoe down there, past all of the offices, and then down the staircase. From there we’ll take the back alleyways until we reach my house. Hopefully no one is out at this hour.” Ethan sighed. In reality, he lived in the city and avoid people during the walk hope was an impossible task. He was more likely to encounter a blizzard during a volcano eruption. Or a real live unicorn. So then again, maybe there was a chance.
Ethan pushed the unicorn, who seemed to take offence to her backside being touched, through the door and out into the hallway. He then began the arduous task of trying to silently sneak the creature down the hall. A task which was first filled with silencing several questions from the unicorn and then trying to get her to walk quietly.
Now when Ethan was given an office on the top floor of the building he was ecstatic. The top floor offices were outfitted with nice desks, nice bookshelves, and nice windows with nice views. Even the plants that were placed in the corners were a higher quality than those placed on the floors below. They were still fake, of course, but they were more expensive fakes. However, one of the things had always stood out in Ethan’s mind. The floors were a brilliant cherry hardwood. Nice didn’t begin to describe them. It was clear from the moment he wheeled his roller chair from the elevator to his office that he had hit the big time. He even took pictures of the floors and boasted to his Facebook friends about the classiness of his new workspace. Now, as Twilight’s hooves nosily clopped and clipped against the hard surfaces Ethan wished that he was on one of the lower floors. The unicorn might as well have been wearing tap-dancing shoes against the hardwood floor. Irony, the harsh mistress she was, had taken that which he loved and turned it against him. This unicorn had to go.
Ethan gestured frantically to get the unicorn out of the view of Walter’s office. Unfortunately it seemed as though the coat he had draped over her was making it hard for her to see. “I can’t see.” Twilight said, confirming that very fact. Ethan lowered his hand down so it was in view of the unicorn’s eyes. He quickly pointed the way he wanted her to walk and when she didn’t move, he gave her a not so gentle tug in the desired direction.
“So far, so good.” He said aloud. He wasn’t quite sure who the message was intended for; perhaps it was for the partially blindfolded unicorn to assure her the plan was going well. Perhaps it was for himself to calm his nerves. Regardless of whoever the intended recipient of that statement was, it was heard by the universe. And the universe hates nice guys.
“E.! All done with that Skype call?”
Ethan quickly turned around to see that he and the unicorn had just passed John’s office. John was leaning out his door with a wide grin. Now Ethan was not an athletic person. He was a certified public accountant plain and simple. If someone had asked him to run a mile he would laugh in their face. Or rather, he would if he had the courage to. Or at least the ability to run a mile to escape them. Still the physical feat Ethan preformed the moment John’s head poked out of his office was amazing. In less than a split second, he had spun around and placed himself in between the unicorn and his coworker. If hiding a unicorn behind a person’s back were an Olympic sport, Ethan would have won the gold. Which would be quite an achievement if he didn’t possess the only unicorn in the world to practice with. “Yaugh! Hi! Uh… Hello, John! What’s up?” He managed to sputter out. The unicorn bumped into his leg. Ethan nonchalantly kicked backwards with his foot and shoved the creature down the hallway.
“Hey!” Twilight mumbled, taken by surprise from the kick.
“What was that?” John said as he started to exit his office.
Ethan jumped forward and placed his hand on the doorframe, pushing John back into his office space. “Uh! Nothing! Well… it was my… uh… thing. Phone! It was my phone. In my pocket.” Ethan smiled uneasily.
John paused for a moment to process Ethan’s jittery speech. “It sounded like that girl you were talking to on Skype.”
“Well. Yeah. Yes it did.” Ethan said matter-of-factly. He inhaled deeply as his brain raced for a reasonable explanation. Luckily, as he was discovering for the first time, he was pretty good at thinking on his feet. “It was a text. From her. The girl on Skype. My girlfriend, if you recall. I changed the notification noise it makes when she texts me to be her voice.” He nodded, happy with the lie he had forged. “Yeah. That’s why it says ‘Hey!’ You know like, ‘Hey, it’s me. Your girlfriend… Sending you a text. Probably an ‘I love you’. No big.’”
“Ouch! Why did you kick me?” The unicorn grumbled from down the hallway.
John looked confused. “Uh what was…?”
Ethan took a step forward, making sure to block John’s view of the hallway. “That was an email. Just the notification sound for an email. Changed it to her voice too. Because… I love her so much. I just love hearing her voice. All the time.” He gritted his teeth, glanced over his shoulder, and growled. “Except right now.”
John blinked a few times. “Um. ‘Ouch, why did you kick me?’”
Ethan paused for a moment. He tried to think of how he could possibly have a recording of a woman asking that question of him. All the scenarios that came to mind were a tad frightening. “Inside joke.” Including that one, now that he thought about it.
John paused for a moment. He gave Ethan an incredulous look before dismissing his comment. If there was one thing Ethan’s coworker John was good at it was quickly getting distracted and moving on to completely different topic. “Anyway.” He said, his standard transition phrase. “You finally have time to see this awesome?”
“Look. John, I really…” Before Ethan could finish, John pulled his coworker into his office and gestured with his hands widely. Ethan was rendered speechless by the sight before his eyes. Which, considering his day up to that point consisted of a small altercation with the waiter who served him lunch and meeting a unicorn, he was pretty sure he was out of surprises for the day. Though as he thought about it John was always throwing him for a loop. Adorned on the walls of his office, covering every square inch were tubes of paper and cardstock held in place with copious amounts of masking tape. “What… the hell am I looking at?”
“I built a race track on the walls!” John picked up a toy car and placed it at the top of the on track and let it roll down the tubes of paper. Thus summed up John Ramirez’s work ethic. At every workplace there’s a John. Not John Ramirez himself, or for that matter a functionally indistinguishable clone of him, but someone who fills the same role. John hardly ever gets work done but he’s kept around just because he makes people smile. Every once in a while he does something though so spectacular that justifies his existence. But like many important moments in his life, John was probably sleepwalking when he did it.
“I can see th… Is that Edna-from-the-second-floor’s model car? Wasn’t that a gift from her dead grandfather?”
“Ah come on, E., lighten up.”
“John, I don’t have time for your juvenile antics right now. And don’t get me started on the fact you’re probably charging overtime to stay late and build this… thing! I just… I just don’t have time for this headache now. I don’t know if you noticed but Walter didn’t go home yet. If he sees this you’re going to be in big trouble. And if he catches you with Edna’s model car there’s going to be an HR issue. Get this place cleaned up, go home, and for the love of god I better not see you bill for overtime tonight when I do payroll next Wednesday.” Thus summed up Ethan Donovan’s work ethic. At every workplace there’s an Ethan. Not Ethan Donovan himself, or for that matter a functionally indistinguishable clone of him, but someone who fills the same role. Ethan always gets his work done with time to spare. Then he uses his hard earned free time to work on more work. He’s hated by the rest of the workplace because his output is great and he tries so hard. He’s not ostracized from the coworker social circle though because he covers for all the idiocy around him.
“Bah. I bet just a few more minutes and I’ll have a working loop-da-loop.” John said with a dismissive wave.
“Whatever! It’s not my problem if you get in trouble! I’ve got bigger things to worry about right now.” Ethan stepped out of the office and closed the door behind him after delivering an abrupt, “Goodnight, John”.
Ethan approached the unicorn who was sitting patiently on the floor next to the stair case. He noticed she had taken the liberty of pulling the top of the coat off of her head. Ethan frowned as he approached. “Was that your friend?” The unicorn asked.
“Just barely.” Ethan replied with an irritated snort. He reached up and flipped the top of the coat back over the top of the unicorn’s head.
“Hey! But I can’t see!”
“Tough. Just follow my feet.” Ethan pushed the door open to the stairwell and shoved the unicorn down the flight of stairs. He quickly followed behind her.
As it turns out, the universe doesn’t quite hate nice guys as much as Ethan had thought. If it did it certainly wouldn’t have waited for Ethan to make his way down the staircase before Walter Penumbra made his way out of his office, ready to head home. Walter closed his office door and locked it with a small silver key. In his right hand was his briefcase. He carried very little inside it and at heart it was a glorified folder, but he felt it made him fit the image of a CEO so he diligently carried it every day. In his left hand was Ethan’s “World’s #1 Accountant” pen, left by him in Walter’s office the last time they spoke for the evening. Walter was well aware how much Ethan cared for the lavish writing utensil and he was making an effort to replace the pen upon Ethan’s desk before he headed home for the evening.
Strangely enough if Walter had simply decided to head in the direction of the staircase he would have undoubtedly bumped into Ethan and his unicorn companion. If such an event did occur, this story would have a drastically different ending. However, Walter instead made his way to the other end of the hallway on the top floor of the Penumbra Star building. He approached Ethan’s door and knocked four times. “Ethan? Still here?” When he wasn’t met with an answer he used his small silver key to open the door and walk inside.
Walter approached Ethan’s desk and placed the “World’s #1 Accountant” pen on top of his keyboard. As he turned to leave, Walter’s eye caught something unusual, a large pair of satchels laying on the floor next to the desk. The satchels, decorated with pink stars, seemed very out of place. If Walter had known exactly how out of place they were, specifically from another universe entirely, he might have left them alone. But Walter, not normally a curious man, instead reached downwards and picked up the bags, finding them to be filled to bursting with books. Now Walter, a well-read man, was fond of books.
Walter pulled out the first book his hand could grasp. The book was a weighty tome with a dark blue cover. Walter glanced at the title, it was faded and hard to read. “Book of Forbidden Spells,” he said aloud. “Hm. Interesting.”
Author's Note
Sorry this chapter isn't that funny. I had to spend time introducing characters.