Pinkie P.I.E.: Private Investigator Extraordinaire!
It was a viciously cold day, and the clouds above were a deep gray overcast that threatened to rain down hail, water, but no snow. The perfect combination for crime. And hot cocoa. But I had already went through about three mugs of the stuff in the first few moments of the morning, so it's safe to say that I had my fill of it. Anyway, a call to duty came into the office by a young Pip, that same morning, who looked positively flabbergasted, scared, and maybe a little bit cold, but I couldn't tell since the poor thing was shivering too much from an immense amount of fear. "Body...r-r-river, you gotta come, quickly, Pinkie Pie!" he said, his little voice quaking from the sheer terror of what he had seen by our local neighborhood river. I nodded in silent acknowledgement of his plight. I never turn down a case.
"Don't you worry Pipity-pip-pip!" I shouted, patting my pint-sized chum on the head. "You're old pal Pinkie Pie is on the case!" To this, Pip gave a small cheer as I rushed downstairs grabbing my favorite pink parka on my way out to the river, where there was a mystery to be solved. I was right to grab it, I thought as I stepped out of the door into the vicious cold. Had I not, chances are I would have been turned into a Pinkie-cicle, but I'm sure I would have been delicious.
* * *
Down by the river, which was only a few minutes away, I spotted the Pegasus Police Force quarantining the area around the red brick bridge, that helped many a pony cross the typically calm blue river. The bridge sat near the edge of town, that seemed to lead south, but actually ended up changing direction about a league or so, heading east. The road past the bridge leading out of town that is. The area around the bridge resembled the Ponyville Park, more or less, with scattered trees and a few bushes here and there. The wind was an on and off fan, blowing my messy pink mane all about my back and face, often times filling my mouth, which I would quickly spit out. Hair's not for eating, I thought. However candy is, but that's besides the point, I continued to think to myself, as I trotted nearer to the crime scene, obtaining the attention of the police chief.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Police Chief Rainbow Dash, holding up her hoof to stop my forward progress to the yellow police tape that was suspended across nearby trees, and made almost a perfect square. I couldn't spy the body from where I was, as the police seemed to crowd the area looking for clues and assessing the body to confirm the cause of death. "Pinkie, this area is restricted," Rainbow Dash continued to say, her voice trying to maintain an air of authority. "Sorry, but I can't let you through."
"Awwwww come on, Dashie!" I pleaded, putting my hoof around her neck in an attempt to 'buddy-up' with her. I could have simply gone around her, in my usual fashion, but I could never pass up a chance to try my luck at asking permission. As usual, however, she tossed my hoof off of her, and snorted, reaffirming her previous rejection. Oh well, I thought, I'll just have to do this the hard way.
* * *
After a quick trip back to the office, which was basically my room in the Cake's bakery shop, just painted gray and black for dramatic effect, I returned to the scene of the crime, disguised in my chicken outfit from Nightmare Night. It was the perfect costume; no pony would ever suspect a chicken of being an under cover private investigator. While I was sneaking by, Rainbow Dash, looking especially annoyed followed my every movement, her eyes looking closely at me. Too closely. "You really want to see this, don't you Pinkie Pie?" she said, in a less than amused voice. I had to act quickly. My cover was on the line.
"Oh no no no no," I said, shaking my head rapidly. "I'm not Pinkie Pie! I'm just a chicken, see?" I let out a shrill "Begauk!" and began pecking at the frozen ground, looking completely in character. Rainbow Dash, her rainbow mane blowing in the sudden gale, put her left hoof to her face, and pointed with her other hoof towards the crowd of officers. Success! I continued on towards the scene, pecking the ground the entire way, only this time for the fun of it.
I pushed through the crowd of pegasi, to look upon the victim of such a heinous crime by the river's sandy shoals. There she lay: young Junebug, nothing immediately wrong with her, but I could tell that she was dead. Her once sunshine yellow coat had now turned pale and washed from the rough river water, from which she had been deposited from. Her mane was all a soaked mess, and within its tangled mass of soaked knots and split-ends, was a small anomaly, which I could not identify at first glance.
I zoomed in closer for a better look, and noticed no sign of struggle, and in fact that there were also no signs of asphyxiation. All in all, one would think, other than the obvious fact that she was dead, that Junebug was in perfect health and shape of body. "Poison..." I murmured to myself, while still looking over the body for any other irregularities.
"We can't prove that just yet," said Rainbow Dash from behind me. "We'll have to test her to see if the death was natural or not. However, I could use as many hooves on this case as possible. While our top eggheads focus on the body analysis, I would like you, Pinkie," and here she stopped to point a cyan hoof in my direction. "I would like you to do some extra investigations and try to piece together what happened here."
My light blue eyes lit up with the eagerness that always filled me when approaching a new case. "Pinkie P.I.E. is on the case!" I cheered in my typical excited voice. With that, Police Chief Rainbow Dash took off with her crew, leaving the body to be picked up later by the Cadaver squad. After they took their leave, I went back to the anomaly in Junebug's mane. "What is that?" I said to myself, my curiosity enticing me to dig deeper into the mane. And I did, because, who could stop me? Of course it's harder with hooves, instead of magic, to dig through somepony else's mane, so it was more like a surgical process of moving my hooves in just such a way so that I could remove what I could now identify as being a feather, perhaps roughly the size of the ones Twilight Sparkle uses for her quills.
After much pushing, pulling and otherwise, I had managed to produce the drenched feather from Junebug's mane, which put a smug smile of satisfaction upon my numb pink face. Upon further inspection, I noticed that it was a darkish brown, and was damp with river water, which deleted any presence of whether or not it had really been involved based on it's physical state. The wind picked up again into another burst gale, blowing the feather away from me, which I quickly retrieved, taking hold of it in my mouth. It tasted rotten, but I had a brilliant idea, and I thought the case itself would be solved faster than anypony could say "Chipped chopped ciabatta!" Boy, was I wrong. I rushed back into town, abandoning my chicken suit in my flight to the only culprit who could even leave a feather such as what I had found.
* * *
"What have you done to Junebug!?" I yelled at my indifferent culprit. I knew it had to be him, this mysterious silent figure that seemed to cast a shadow upon the whole of Ponyville. I stared deep into his black soulless eyes, that resembled those of a doll's emotionless face. "Well," I carried on, with increased conviction. "Care to answer me, you traitorous swine?!"
"Who?" he said, looking clueless to my claims. His face remained unchanged. I have to admit, it disturbed me how he could sit there so innocently to the charges against him.
"The pony you so brutally murdered with your malicious intent, that's so elegantly hidden under your poker face!" I yelled again. He just continued on, allowing his mystery to shield himself from revealing his true intentions.
"Who?" he repeated again, like a broken record. I lost it, as I began to stare deep into his soul, from his bead-like eyes. I could find nothing however, and it caused me to wail out words I refuse to repeat in mixed company.
"Ummm, Pinkie, why are you yelling at Owlicious, and accusing him of crimes?" Twilight Sparkle asked, confused by my genius methods of interrogation. She stood, staring at me, her purple eyes lined with the kind of confusion that I expect from those who have never seen my methods. She would learn soon enough though. Yes indeed.
"Twilight, did you know that your owl was committing mass felonies behind your purple back?" I responded, my voice commanding an air of master detectiveness. Of course, Twilight just continued to look at me, with both shock and confusion. Poor thing, I thought solemnly. She had absolutely no idea that her so-called "pet" was really a criminal mastermind.
"Pinkie," Twilight said, shaking her head, "You do know that Owlicious is incapable of grabbing a fully grown pony, let alone even so much as hurting one. Now, would you care to explain what's going on?"
I took a deep breath and related the story. Junebug's appearance at river bank, the fact that her body had no signs of assault or struggle. I told her about the feather, and how poison might be involved, all the while Twilight had to force herself not to laugh. Of course, I didn't see what was so funny. Her pet was a murderer, as far as I could tell, and this was no laughing matter.
When I finished, Twilight just smiled back at me, and I recoiled from the awkwardness of her reaction to such a horrifying tale. "Oh Pinkie," she started, her tone growing somewhat superior. "You've done plenty of random things, but I mean come on! Owlicious as a murderer? Let's be rational here!" she said, giggling lightly to herself. My face got serious, a rare occurrence, except when I'm on duty.
"What about the feather?" I continued on to say, pounding the wooden floor where I had spit out the feather in my rush on the way to Twilight's library home, which was once again, littered with books that always seemed to find their way off of their shelves that were pretty much everywhere! Twilight picked up the feather with her magic, giving the feather a light purplish glow, and inspected it deeply, her face becoming lost in focus. Then she smiled smugly, an often occurrence at any given day of the week, that became more and more predictable.
"Aha!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Here's the problem: the texture is all wrong. I can understand why you might think Owlicious did this, since the feather is in fact the right size and color. Here, take a look at this-" she trailed off as she opened one of her many drawers and produced one of Owlicious's feather quills. "You see, the one that you brought is far rougher, not a cute little owl's feather."
Twilight moved the two feathers over to float in my face, while I investigated each one closely. Indeed, it appeared to be so, as I noticed that the texture of each individual fiber on the feather I found tangled in Junebug's mane was by far rougher than one of Owlicious's. "Okie dokie lokie," I said cheerily, glad to be able to cross out Twilight's creepy pet owl. "But," I continued on, worriedly "whose feather is it, Twilight?"
Almost immediately after I had finished asking her, Twilight's face was buried deep within a book, the unidentified feather floating magically nearby. She flipped through pages upon pages, until she let out another "Aha!", the book finally still on the page that had the answers she had sought. I snuck over behind Twilight, leaning just over her shoulder to see what had caused her sudden outburst. Looking down upon the old musty book, I noticed the big bold words "Gryphons". "Wait, wait wait," I said, shocked. I quickly recovered though and began to proceed with a hint of professionalism in my voice, "There aren't any Gryphons in Ponyville. And the only one that's ever even been here is that old meanie Gilda."
Twilight shook her head in agreement, her dark mane swaying with its usual elasticity. "It's not likely, I admit," Twilight started, slightly concerned. "But it's definitely a start. I'd get Rainbow Dash on it, since she's the only one with any real connections with Gilda in town." I nodded in agreement, my own mane finally returning to its normal puffiness. I thanked Twilight as I rushed hurriedly out of the door, aimed for the main headquarters of the Pegasus Police Force. I was indeed a Private Investigator, but I needed Rainbow Dash's help on this one. Earth ponies can't fly. And I'm pretty sure gryphons live high up in the mountains. Or is that goats? Meh, I can't remember.
* * *
"Sorry, ma'am, I can't let you do that," grumbled the old gray guard down at the Pegasus Police Force Main Headquarters. I looked at him again, this time, almost expectantly at his withered form that had been spawned from the brutal years of old age. He simply looked back, completely unaffected as usual, his gray eyes almost indifferent to my plight. "Ma'am, either move along or talk to somepony else, but you ain't talking to the chief," he continued on in his raspy voice.
"Oh, for the love of Pete, would you just let her in here already!" called a voice from behind the office door, obviously impatient. The guard tried to rebuttal, but instead he only sighed and reluctantly stepped aside of the door to the Police Chief's Office. I hopped inside, glad to see that things were going my way. "Have a seat, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said thoughtfully. I looked around, and noticed how barren her office was. The walls were an authoritative dark blue, with one small window behind the oaken desk the Rainbow Dash had left cluttered with case files and other such documents. Rainbow Dash herself was standing off to the left of the desk, looking towards the only other object in the seemingly forlorn room: a book shelf lined with all sorts of books on crime, law, and other such topics. There were no real seats, and I definitely made that a point to bring up.
"Uh, Dashie, there ARE no seats," I said, trying to remain polite in my tone. To this she simply rolled her eyes as she returned to her desk, and rummaged through her messy piles of paper. "Anyway, I need you to do me a favor," I continued, getting down to the point, and basically the entire reason I had shown up to the rinky dink old Headquarters anyway, which was basically bare rooms with prison cells in-between.
"Not now, Pinkie. Right now, we have more important things at hoof to discuss," Rainbow Dash responded, clearly avoiding my request as best she could. "The Cadaver Squad performed an autopsy on Junebug's body, and came up with very disturbing results," Rainbow Dash continued, her tone growing serious now.
"Disturbing?" I asked, inquisitively. "In what way?"
"Well, it would seem that Junebug isn't really dead, but her body has been put into a state of suspended animation, something that doesn't happen naturally," Rainbow Dash explained, trying to keep her zealous attitude in check while she spoke. "This was definitely a planned effort by somepony else," she continued. I listened on, taking in every word Rainbow Dash spoke, trying to piece together the whole of their meanings. "So, in a sense, the crime here isn't really murder, but perhaps attempted murder, or something along those lines. When we searched Junebug's house, we found it totally wrecked up, and even ransacked with a few items obviously missing, based on dust patterns. That means we have enough of a case here, when it comes to that, however," she stopped here, her eyes getting big, and showing some annoyance in them. "There's no real evidence pinning down anypony, and the perpetrator left absolutely no trace. We're dealing with a professional here, Pinkie." Rainbow folded her cyan hooves across her chest, expecting some sort of response. And I had just the one.
"Well, duh!" I started, closing my eyes while I took a somewhat commanding tone. "Of course you can't find the evidence to pin anypony down! I have it!" I cheered triumphantly. Rainbow Dash's eyes lit up with confidence.
"You have proof?" she said, hope building in her eyes and lighting up her once gloom-and-doom face.
"Don't you ever listen, Dashie?" I asked, annoyed. "The proof is in the pudding!" I proclaimed, producing a small cup of pudding from a small pack I had pilfered from Twilight's home. Sitting lightly on top of the pudding was the feather, which had now dried up to its usual form.
"A...Feather?" Rainbow Dash asked, confused. "How does that help us?"
"Not just any feather," I continued on to say, "A gryphon feather, according to Twilight, and her old dusty books. I found it tangled up in poor Junebug's mane."
"But the only gryphon that has ever been here, or even would dare show their face here is-" Rainbow Dash started.
"Gilda!" we exclaimed simultaneously.
We looked each other deep in the eyes, reveling in the joy of finally getting a lead. "I can hook up a meeting with her, but it won't be easy," Rainbow Dash said, rubbing her head with her hoof. "You'll have to meet her yourself, since everypony will know something is up if I meet her. I can trust you, right?"
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," I proclaimed, poking my right eye upon saying the last part of my Pinkie Pie swear.
"I still don't know how that doesn't hurt you," Rainbow Dash said recoiling back. "But right now, you should head back home, and I'll give you some more details come tomorrow. Try and get some rest."
I gave Rainbow a funny look. "It's only been about about two hours, Dashie," I started, remaining respectful, yet not helping but being totally lost. "I haven't even eaten lunch yet."
"You know what I mean," Rainbow Dash retorted playfully, patting me on the back. Of course, I did know what she meant, but I admit, I could have used a break. Being serious is way too hard and boring to do for extended periods of time. I went off to lunch, braving the rough cold air and it's bipolar winds. Lunch consisted of a daffodil sandwich and a few corn cakes. Mmmmmm, corn cakes.
* * *
When I had finally returned home from my usual day of shenanigans, I retreated back up to my office, its black and gray colors returning me back to the reality of the case. What could have left Junebug in suspended animation? How do we know for sure Gilda plays a talon in this? What the hay is suspended animation? These thoughts troubled me as I tried to piece together the crime, the motive, and the suspect. "No one gains anything by hurting Junebug..." I muttered to myself quietly. There had to be something more to the crime than the obvious. I looked about my newly painted room, hoping that something in it would give me some kind of idea that might lead me to the truth. My bed, I noticed, was not yet made, but in a matter of minutes it wouldn't matter as the sun was about to set, and eventually I would need to get some shut-eye. My toys, but this was no time for games, even as I resisted the urge to play a few board games and challenge myself to a game of ‘Slides and Vertical Steps’. Then, a small object caught my eye: a small picture on my once pink desk, which was now eerily painted an odd grayish color.
It was a photograph of the first case I had ever solved since I started to pick up detective work, maybe three weeks ago. The ‘Missing Smarty Pants Caper’ it was called in the very slow news paper, ‘The Daily Pony’, but it made the headlines nonetheless. I remembered how a distressed Twilight had come to me in the middle of yet another soul-splintering musical number, begging me to assist her in the search effort to find her hideous childhood toy. It was a rather daunting task for something so simple, however within time, and perhaps random strokes of luck, I had stumbled upon the doll in Big Macintosh's room. I asked no further questions, since the doll was in well kept conditions, and I figured that no real harm was done. My finding it definitely raised eyebrows though, but it was much easier to avoid the numerous questions than to actually answer them with what we all suspected.
Upon returning the old doll to Twilight, a smile of relief dominated her loving face that warmed my heart. And so, I donned the title of ‘Private Investigator Extraordinaire’, heeding the cries of those in need. From missing keys to missing ponies, I accepted every case that fell unto my ever vigilant ears. I became a self-proclaimed legend in Ponyville, creating the nickname ‘Pinkie P.I.E.’, a notorious name that spread like wildfire in our small rural town. I found fame, but I discarded its non-existent privileges into the wastebasket of humility. Everypony's elated faces were reward enough for me.
And to think that my detective career started here, in Ponyville, and to think that I'm here, solving serious mysteries, like those depicted in Twilight's favorite books. The thought made me giddy, and I let out a small squeal of joy. That picture of Twilight and I with the nightmare inducing doll, smiles on the both of us, made me relive the joy of doing well, perhaps legitimately for the first time, in an actual career. It was in full color, as most pictures in the local news paper were, making it stand out in my black and gray room, which I had painted to induce a sense of seriousness while on the job. The colors of the photo seemed to bring an extra touch of life to the now dark room, as the sun failed to produce any more light, the moon high in the dark night sky in the Sun's place. The picture inspired a sense of pride in myself, and renewed my eagerness to solve the horrendous crime at hoof.
I looked towards my messy bed again, exhaustion from the day's events finally setting in. "There will be plenty of time to investigate more," I yawned sleepily. I trotted towards the rickety wooden bed, and sprung right on top of it, falling asleep the second my head hit the old white pillow. "Good night, Pinkie Pie," I mumbled to myself as I passed into the dream world.
* * *
"What?!" I exclaimed anxiously. I had heard Rainbow Dash correctly, but I still couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. They weren't exactly difficult instructions, but I mean come on, why me? I had dropped into Rainbow's office, completely ready to perform some sort of serious task, but it seemed only the opposite was true.
"Look, it's super simple, Pinkie Pie," Rainbow Dash explained, her eyes glittering with confidence. "All you have to do is sit down behind the big willow tree in the park exactly twenty minutes from now and say the password, then just probe the tree any questions you need for the investigation. See? Super easy!" Rainbow Dash smiled again, directly at me.
"What password is that exactly?" I asked, more confused than a bat flying in the broad daylight. "I never learned any password. And uh, Dashie, trees might be good listeners, but they can't exactly respond," I continued, this time being totally sure that my sarcasm was getting through to Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash just kept up her wide smile. "You'll know the password when you get there. Trust me, you'll know. It will become blatantly obvious the second you sit down. As for the tree, it should sing like a bird, so don't sweat it Pinkie."
"I thought we ruled out Owlicious already," I retorted smoothly
"It's a figure of speech, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash answered back, clearly not amused with my response.
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" I called out as I galloped out the door, the cold fall day greeting me with far less wind than the prior day, but nearly double the chill.
* * *
The twenty minutes passed quickly, and just as Rainbow Dash had said, I was sitting under the old willow tree, wrapped in my favorite beige trench coat, attempting to look like just another innocent bystander. The park was beginning to show signs of fall coming, as the leaves turned a brilliant gold or brown color, that littered the cold ground. I still didn't know what password Rainbow Dash was referring to, but she said it would come to me, and a few words did come to mind while I sat there, never looking up or down, but straight forward, directing no attention to myself.
"How now brown cow," I said, loud enough to be audible, but softly enough not to attract the ears of everypony nearby.
"What?" said the tree, in a tone that was reminiscent of a gryphon I once knew.
"Oh, so you can talk! No wonder Rainbow wanted me to question you!" I responded astonished.
"Of course I can talk, but who the heck are you?" said the tree, agitated.
"I'm a detective, sent to question you about what happened to Junebug," I said, authoritatively.
"Oh yeah?" said the tree, cockiness showing in its voice. "Why should I trust you?"
"Why should I trust you?" I answered back smartly.
"Because I'm your only lead," the tree said coolly.
"And I'm Pinkie Pie and I find your lack of faith disturbing," I said in a deeper voice.
"Did we really just make that reference?" asked the tree, her voice sounding confused.
"What are you talking about?" I said, matching the tree's confusion. "What reference, I don't eve- hey, wait a sec! Don't you change the subject! What happened to Junebug?" I commanded.
"Alright alright, look," Said the tree finally. "I know what you're thinking, but I didn't do the actual murdering."
"Well duh! I know that, silly billy. Trees can't move, let alone hurt anypony," I giggled softly.
"Just who or what do you think I am?" asked the tree agitatedly.
"A giant willow in the park?" I responded sheepishly.
"Really...?" said the tree again.
"Aren't you?"
"I'm Gilda! I'm sitting up in the branches!" she yelled out. "No! Don't look up, you'll blow our cover."
"Which won't matter if you keep on shouting," I retorted again. "Now, just tell me what happened."
"Okay, look," Gilda started. "Like I said, I didn't do the actual murdering. You see, it all started about two days ago..."
* * *
"I was just out and about, minding my own business, as usual. Ain't much you can do, up in Gryphon country admittedly, but it's scenic, so most gryphon's usually don't leave the homeland, unless it's official business. Anyway, I had come home to my nest, dinner wrapped neatly in my talons, when I found an odd parchment scroll just sitting in the center of my nest. Naturally, curiosity called me to open it up and see what was inside. I kinda wish I hadn't unrolled it, but I did anyway, and you just can't change the past, you know? Inside it read the words: 'Do exactly as I say, or you and your loved ones will suffer.' At first, I kinda ignored it, but I had the strangest feeling later on that whoever wrote it must be serious to leave such a threatening note. Looking further, I noticed a list of herbs and plants: stuff like Viper's Sting, Frost weed, and even Golden Stem Mushrooms. Under the list read the words: 'Gather these things up, and deposit them in the Ponyville park at night by the old orange tree.' I didn't want to get hurt, so I gathered up the desired plants which, luckily, I know what each and every one of those individual plants are, since they grow native in gryphon country. I followed the instructions to the very letter, and deposited the goods by the orange tree.
The next day, seemingly nothing had happened, and I was beginning to wonder if there was any real threat at all, so I went about my typical business. To my surprise, upon returning to my nest, another scroll had appeared. Once again, my curiosity got the better of me and I unraveled the parchment scroll to read the words: 'Go to the home of Junebug and carry the body and drop it in the river, farther upstream. Then you are released from my service. I have disclosed a map to help you. If you betray me however, you will meet her same fate!' Since it was already evening, and Princess Luna had long since hung the moon high into the night sky, I left for the location immediately.
When I arrived, the place was in bad shape: tables flipped, cupboards wide open, plates smashed, I mean, it looked like a skirmish had broken out. I searched the house, to find the body of a pony under a fallen dresser. I assumed that this was the so-called 'Junebug', and carried her surprisingly undamaged body out of the wrecked house. I tossed the body in the river, about a mile upstream of the town and returned home. I haven't heard or done anything since then, well at least in regards to the crime."
* * *
"You gotta believe me," Gilda continued to plead. "I had no talon in the actual murdering of that pony!" I looked down at the ground, trying to assess all the information that Gilda had given to me. The hardest part was trusting that what she saying was true, since she had a bad habit of violating pony laws by stealing apples, and because just in general, she is a big ol' jerk face. I had to test Gilda; make sure that she wasn't lying to me. Then, a brilliant idea came to my mind.
"Actually, you know Junebug's not dead, right?" I said in a tempting voice, trying to coax her out. I couldn't look right at her, but I heard a confused gasp, which either meant that she had no idea that the body she carried was still alive, or that we had already figured out that she wasn't dead. I had to dig deeper.
"What?" Gilda asked, sounding lost.
"Yup, she's in a state of suspended animation, whatever that is," I said, explaining the situation. "Outside of that, she's quite well."
"But," Gilda stammered. "I carried her disgusting dead corpse all that way. I couldn't see or feel a pulse."
"Nope, but you want to know something, Grumpy Gilda?" I said, attempting to try and seal the deal.
"Don't call me that," she interjected.
"I think I believe you, despite the amassing evidence against you based on your previous crimes and reputations as it pertains to Pony-kind." I continued on, unaffected by her previous outburst. "And do you want to know why?" I asked, moving in for the kill.
"Why?" her anxious voice carried over. Even though she could not see me, I nodded my head slowly, like an old pony in their rocking chair. I could tell she was innocent now.
"Three reasons," I started calmly. "One: if you really wanted to murder Junebug, you would have done it, and chances are, you wouldn't be here. Two: Honestly, and I mean no real offense here, I don't think you're smart enough to come up with something that could hurt somepony, let alone 'kill' them.
"Hey!" Gilda protested. "Actually, you're probably right on that one."
"Ahem," I coughed, attempting to get us back on track. "And three: Why would you ever send a body upstream? I mean, come on! I know I just went out of my way to call you stupid, but I'm pretty sure you're not that much of a degenerate!" I said, confidently.
"Thanks," Gilda muttered, sounding displeased. "So then what do you think?" she asked, losing her patience.
"Well, personally, I thought the story wasn't all that interesting, so I started adding in my own parts along with whatever you said to try and make it more exciting. You might want to talk to an editor about it; I'm sure Twilight would love to help you, if maybe you could behave yourself," I stated bluntly.
"No," Gilda groaned. "I mean, who do you think is behind all this, you overgrown gumball?"
"I dunno," I shrugged. "As far as I can tell the only two ponies here who could pull off something like this, with the given ingredients would be Zecora, and Twilight, and only because Twilight has soooooo many books!" I speculated. "Of course, there's no trace to anypony as the case stands. Everypony's a suspect."
"Anyway we could narrow down the search?" Gilda asked anxiously.
"Well, if you bring the parchment to the Pegasus Police Force, they can do some analytical mumbo-jumbo, that may help your chances." I responded, trying not to mince words.
"I'll bring them down later tonight," Gilda said, her voice getting soft. I heard the sound of ruffling wings, and a small push of wind. Gilda had taken off, possibly looking for a cloud to use as cover on her way back. I let out a sigh, which was visible in the cold fall air, a crisp slap across the face of everypony outside that day. I got up, and went about my business, which would consist of breaking the laws of physics and hanging out with Twilight and the gang. I've had enough seriousness for one day, I thought to myself as I trotted on back home, to snatch up a few cupcakes to eat.
* * *
The day once again passed by with advanced celerity, and I was beginning to suspect the very days were beginning to grow shorter. Upon return home, I noticed that Gummy, my pet alligator, was no longer in my room. After searching, I found that he was no where within the shop that belonged to the Cakes either, where I lived and helped out. It seemed strange for him to be no where to be found so late in the evening, but I simply shrugged. He would appear again at some point the following morning. He typically did.
I crawled into bed, my usual vigor replaced with an inexplicable amount of exhaustion. "It's been a long day," I muttered to myself, trying to find a comfy spot on the bed. I'm going to have to retire after this, I thought. Serious and I don't mix, and I'm pretty sure that trying to be serious was draining me of what I used to believe was my never-waning well of Pinkie energy.
Sleep came easy, but for perhaps the first time in forever, I had suffered at the hands of some incredibly awkward nightmares. In one, I was trapped in a forest where I heard nothing but screams from somepony I could barely recognize, but couldn't quite place my hoof on. In another, I just watched as these weird shaped mouth chewed on some taffy. I admit, that last one isn't really a nightmare, unless you're a dentist, or you're going to a dentist. Then, just blackness, but more like, not even being alive, which was a prelude to me waking up, another cold day to greet me. Strange indeed.
I leaped out of bed in an attempt to shake off the night's horrors and hopefully see what new developments had been made since Gilda had went and got the scrolls. I would hardly believe that the morning was about to get sourer than a green apple dipped in pickle juice and then boiled in a pot of sauerkraut. That thought made my tongue shrivel into the back of my mouth, which then reminded me of breakfast, which then resulted in a loud growl from my stomach. No time to lose though, I thought. I raced out the door, grabbing my beige trench coat, and a banana nut muffin on my bone chilling way to the Headquarters to see what they had uncovered.
* * *
"What do you mean she's missing?" I asked confused. Why do my visits to the Pegasus Police Headquarters start like this, I thought? "Surely her unconscious body couldn't just get up and walk away!" I continued in disbelief, jaw slightly agape. Rainbow Dash just shrugged as she shook her head, eyes half-closed with just as much confusion and disappointment as myself.
"We believe somepony came in and took her, instead of what you're suggesting," Rainbow Dash said grimly. "Of course, there's no way to prove one way or the other, as once again no trace has been left behind."
"I think we're being messed with here, Dashie," I started. "I think a phantom may be involved here. Either that or we're missing something so incredibly obvious we're not even looking for it!" Rainbow Dash just shrugged again, not really sure what to do at this point. It made me feel bad to see her in this depressed state, and even while in serious mode, I refused to simply stand there and watch her languish like that.
"It's going to be okay, Rainbow," I said calmly, rubbing my neck under hers, in an attempt to comfort her. Even though I allow my silliness to go overboard and I tend to focus on having a good time over everything else, I can tell when my friends are down. And, to put it bluntly, if my friends aren't having a good time, then neither am I, despite my charming smile which often times hides my true feelings or intentions. "We're going to get whoever is doing this, and we're going to sock it to him harder than two rams butting horns!" I continued, giving a smile upwards to my down and out pal.
A small grin went across Rainbow Dash's face, which in turn made my smile grow wider. "Yeah," Rainbow Dash said softly. "This isn't over yet!" she continued her eyes growing bright again. She stood straight once more, allowing her confidence to build up, her small grin now a glowing beacon of pearly whiteness.
"That's my Dashie!" I cheered triumphantly. "Now let's take another look at those letters." Rainbow Dash's face turned sideways, confusion littering it.
"What letters?" she asked, curiously.
"The one's Gilda dropped off last night," I responded, worriedly.
"We didn't get any letters at all, last night at least." She said, now matching both my worry and my new found confusion. Something was off. We both stared at each other, not saying a word, but both seemingly communicating by mind. We both agreed. Something was definitely amiss. After a moment or two, a young officer, clad in his deep blue uniform, which offset his turquoise coat and his emerald colored mane, burst through the office doors, clearly in a rush.
"Chief, ma'am," he panted, clearly out of breath from flying too hard in the cold air. "You better come see this; there's been another body found, but it ain't one of ours."
Rainbow and I looked to each other, matching expressions of being struck stupid by the news. Rainbow was the first one to shake out of it, and took back her commanding Police Chief voice. "Come on Pinkie," she started. "This may just be the lead we're looking for!" We both zoomed out the door, following the young officer to a place, just a few feet away from where we had found the supposedly dead Junebug, the cold wind meeting us again in its on-off fashion. We were both in shock of what lay in front of us: a bloody, beaten gryphon body. But not just any gryphon: it was Gilda. A silent hush fell over the officers upon our arrival to the crime scene near the river and the red brick bridge. This was bad news.
* * *
"Diagnostics. Now!" Rainbow directed to Lieutenant-Captain Derpy, who immediately stood at attention, her yellow eyes crossed as usual. "At ease, Derpy," Rainbow Dash said in response to her saluting. "Just tell me what happened here, as far as you can tell."
"Well," Derpy started in her permanently confused voice, regardless of the situation. "It seems we have a dead gryphon on our hooves."
"Tell my something that isn't disgustingly obvious, Lieutenant," Rainbow commanded in a less than amused voice.
"Oh right," Derpy responded, readjusting herself. "It would appear in this situation that the victim in question has been viciously murderer based on the state of the body. There appear to be impact marks on her belly and on her side, indicating that she was struck out of the sky and landed from at least thirty feet. However, that's not the disturbing part," Derpy said, shock arising in everypony in attendance. "The disgusting part is that she also appears to have been eaten by a creature of some kind, but for what ever reason, they stopped short, as if they had been called off or scared away. Truly odd indeed."
My jaw dropped even lower than Rainbow Dash's. Derpy looked at us both, her eyes unwinding into a normal position. "What?" she asked, looking to everypony's astonished looks. "Surely you knew there was a reason that I was ranked Lieutenant-Captain in this organization. I just pretend to be a helpless pegasus to get out of extra work, and lower the expectation bar for my performances," she finished, smiling.
We looked to the body, trying to shake off what Derpy had just said as her eyes once again retracted to their normal crossed formation. Indeed, it was as she said, even under the massive puddles of red vitality. Gilda had fallen, her eyes wide open and lined with surprise, and died there, almost instantly. The bite marks had consumed only about an eighth of her body, but in random places. I looked closely, and determined that the bite marks didn't belong to an animal, since the bone from a half devoured leg was cut, almost like it had been chopped with a diamond-edged sword. The only reason we could tell it had been eaten was because a thick layer of strange smelling saliva had been left on the parts where the creature had feasted on.
"What in the name of Celestia happened here?" Rainbow muttered as I continued to look on, spotting a small rolled up letter that laid under Gilda's bloodied body and a small inconsistent red trail of blood leading into the Everfree Forest. I walked up to the body, reaching for the letter and unraveling it without wasting anytime. It was short and written in red ink, which I soon identified as Gilda's blood. The letter read in sinister letters: "Unless you want to befall the same fate as this treacherous swine, you will keep your noses out of this. I have Junebug, and I will return her, in due time."
I read the letter aloud, causing everypony to shudder, including myself.
Even deeper silence, as even the wind seemed to die now, no bird chirping its joyful tune on that morning, despite the cold. Rainbow suddenly stamped the ground, determination flooding her eyes. "Men, I don't have time to wait on this homicidal maniac!" she shouted. "So, I'm going after this guy, and I want you all to keep the peace in Ponyville, until I've brought Junebug back safe and sound!"
Everypony there suddenly abandoned their solemn expressions, and saluted resolutely, excluding myself, as I had already began to make my way along the path of blood. I turned around to watch as the pegasus officers took off, assigning themselves to their posts in the town, while Rainbow Dash appeared fearless, despite the mutilated body of Gilda laying before her. I smiled to myself. She isn't the only one everypony is counting on, I thought. I had to put this to rest as well, regardless of how dangerous.
Rainbow Dash rushed towards me, concerned for my health as I made my way closer and closer to the Everfree Forest. "Pinkie, what are you doing?" Rainbow asked worried. I looked back at her, eyes sparkling with my usual Pinkieness.
"What does it look like, Dashie?" I responded smoothly. "I'm going to put an end to this crazy mystery before somepony else gets hurt."
"Sorry Pinkie, but I can't let you do that," Rainbow said, trying to assume her commanding voice to get me to give in to her request. "I will not allow one of my friends walk into something they know is a trap. There's been enough blood spill, even though only two victims have been currently identified and confirmed. That's two too many."
I looked at Rainbow Dash again, this time with my eyes wide with excitement, and a smile running across my face. "Rainbow, there are only three rules to being Pinkie Pie: Break all the laws of physics, I stand by my friends, no matter what, and lastly I always finish what I start, regardless of the danger," I said, affirming my position. "Besides," I continued on, "if there are two of us, we'll stand a better chance against this blood-thirsty, eye gouging, leg eating monster murderer."
Rainbow smiled back at me. "Fine, but I did warn you, Pinkie," Rainbow said, her voice returning to its boisterous state. We looked to the Everfree Forest, a wild place where monsters of all sorts thrive, and deep within, we were going to find one that had a friend of ours, before anypony else got hurt.
"It's go time!" I roared, emulating a strange accent I had once heard from an actor from a play about time travel robot ponies who attempted to wipe out a young resistance leader named Brom Trotter. We ran into the woods, wind at our backs, and all the courage in the world between the two of us.
* * *
And so we ran through the dark woods, running in and out of the thick concentration of trees, bushes and the blue leaves of the Poison Joke plant. "What do you think ate at Gilda's body?" I asked Rainbow as we ran on, passing radiant glaring animal eyes, that plain creeped me out. Here in the Everfree Forest, light didn't truly penetrate in most of its area, and almost always gave off the illusion of being somewhat dark out, except at when at night when it was nearly pitch black. It was hard to see, but I noticed up above that Rainbow seemed to shrug as she flew on.
"I dunno what it could be Pinkie," she started, unaffected by the question. "But you might say... it took a bite out of crime."
In the distance I could hear a soft high-pitched scream that almost seemed to come from no where. "YEEEEEEEEAAAAAH!" it sounded.
"What was that?" I asked curiously.
"I'm not sure," Rainbow Dash responded. "It seems to happen every time you say a witty one liner as it pertains to crime. To be honest, I don't know where it comes from, but it happens, just like Twilight choosing to read books."
"Ooooooh," I said. "But you do know Gilda was innocent of the murder right?" I continued on, still keeping pace with my rapid friend.
"And guilty of everything else, therefore keeping the one liner's integrity intact." Rainbow said bluntly.
"Riiiiiight," I went on, simply going along with whatever Rainbow said for right now. "Oh look, a conveniently placed forest clearing up ahead, Rainbow!" I pointed out. And indeed there was one, in the midst of trees that towered like mighty castle towers above us mere ponies. We charged forward to the clearing, its light beckoning to us like moths to a flame. When we finally reached the warmth of the light that shone down on the clearing, we both noticed an odd figure who we both recognized, but we couldn't believe who it was standing before us as we came to an abrupt halt.
"Hehehe," the daffodil yellow figure laughed softly, faced away from us, but we were both well aware of who was standing before us, her dark-and-light yellow mane blowing in the gentle breeze that had sprung forth. "Looks like my note didn't deter either of you. That's too bad, because the bloodshed could have all stopped there. Why do all of my plans never go quite right; no pony was supposed to get hurt. I just needed that little rat Gilda jailed or punished for what she did." The figure turned around rapidly to face us. "Don't you agree?!" yelled Junebug, her pupils narrowing in her apparent anger.
* * *
Rainbow and I were amiss in shock. What was going on, I thought. "What...what are you doing here, Junebug?" Rainbow asked, lost in curiosity and confusion alike. I was still stunned into silence, as I watched the very much alive and well Junebug pace back and forth, like a pony who had finally gone off of the deep end. How could this happen, I thought again.
Junebug shrugged off the question, and began to cackle loudly. "Aw come on, Rainbow Dash!" started Junebug, menacingly. "I mean, I know we don't talk at all, but surely you should know what this is all about, riiiiiiight?" she continued on, smiling creepily.
"Actually, I don't have the slightest idea," said Rainbow Dash, clueless. Junebug collapsed in an embarrassed heap on the floor, eyes pure white now. She quickly amended herself and got back up, straightening herself out, and looking all together quite normal now.
"Fine, I'll explain it for you," Junebug said, giving in to our clueless faces. "It all started the first time Gilda dared to show her face in Ponyville. I was out for my morning stroll, after gardening my favorite flowers to distribute for the upcoming spring picnic that we have every year, following Winter Wrap Up. It had been a hard winter, and I had lost a lot of my famous sunflowers and my yellow petal cosmos flowers. In the end, I had just enough mature flowers to use for the picnic to be replanted in the park, just in time for spring. I had left to go and grab a hay-shake from the local cafe, not knowing that when I got back the flowers that I had worked so hard on would be completely destroyed upon my arrival. When I got back, guess who was stomping through my garden, having a grand old time?" Junebug asked, rage causing her to twitch uncontrollably.
"It was that filthy outlandish gryphon Gilda!" She roared in sheer anger. "When I yelled at her she only stuck her tongue out at me and took off, without so much as an apology. Then when I found out about all the other crimes that little whelp had committed, I decided to take action and hatched a brilliant plan to bring Gilda to justice. I would fake my own death, and put the blame on Gilda by having her handle my body. But first I would need some ingredients, a perfect first step in getting Gilda involved. By doing so, she had committed to the plan, and all I really had to do was utilize her gullibility to my advantage. When she had indirectly brought me the supplies, I concocted a mix that would suspend all natural function in my body for for a certain amount of time, based on the size of the dose."
"Of course," Junebug went on, her anger subsided and replaced with sheer insanity as she related her plan to us. "When I awoke I had to know if Gilda was ever detained. She never was, and of course, only a day following my reawakening, I found her sneaking around the headquarters with my notes. She wasn't supposed to breathe a word, that little traitor. So, naturally, of course, I couldn't let the suspicion fall off of her, since that would throw the plan down the drain, and may even back fire on me. So I chased her out and I had to... ground her."
Another soft scream was heard again, as Junebug began to cackle menacingly.
"Seriously, what is that?" I asked again. The scream was one that was rather high pitched, one that I had almost recognized from somewhere, but the place always escaped me.
Junebug continued on, unaffected by my question. "Of course, I had some help from a very CLOSE friend of mine that I grew myself since the day Gilda showed her ugly mug. But then again, no one was supposed to get hurt at all really... but I guess I'll take what I can get."
It seemed to make sense, when I thought about it, however I had a question I desperately needed to ask the crazy Junebug. And I did. "Excuse me!" I shouted, trying to grab Junebug's attention while I waved my hoof rapidly.
"Yes, Pinkie Pie?" sighed Junebug.
"How does murdering somepony make everything better for you, exactly?" I asked curiously.
"Look, it's just standard justice," Junebug stammered. "I planned this so that finally some justice would be doled out to a common low-life."
"Okay, so what if you planned this?" Rainbow Dash added in. "You do realize that somepony is dead now right? Not just that, Gilda's dead...over flowers that weren't even supposed to really be in season. Explain the rationale behind this, if you could."
"Look, look, look," Junebug went on. "It's not that difficult to comprehend. All I had to do was shut her up, since she was worming her way out of trouble somehow. And by getting rid of her, I would be able to throw suspicion off of myself."
"And look where that's got you," I commented. "If anything, it's only made things worse for your case, especially when we drag you out of here, and charge you in the high Canterlot court. I mean, you killed somepony over, let me reiterate Rainbow's point, flowers!"
"Okay," Junebug went on. "I admit, that was not the desired result I had hoped for, but who said you two were leaving here alive?" Junebug then let out a loud high-pitched whistle. Then silence. Pound. Pound. We heard something coming, and it was huge, no doubt. The earth vibrated with each supposed step. Junebug only cackled loudly between each step, her eyes completely absent of rationality, and replaced only by insane vendetta. Then we saw it: a giant mutant Venus fly trap! With tentacles! Quite the original idea, straight from the books in Twilight's library.
* * *
It stood roughly ten feet tall, standing on all six tentacles. It was basically green, it's spiky mouth wide open, but the actual trap portion was no bigger than a regular pony. From its agape mouth dripped the same nasty saliva we found on Gilda's body. The sight of it made every part of my body shiver, not because the giant fly-trap itself was scary, but because the thing's breath reeked of dead rats and spoiled frosting.
Junebug, continuing her awful laughing, jumped high on top of the fly-trap and finally began to take control of the beasts sporadic movements. "Now, I think it's time this poorly written story comes to an abrupt ending. Its mediocrity stops here and now!" Junebug shouted angrily. The fly-trap roared loudly, scattering the birds that hid in the tree tops. "Any last words, you two?" Junebug asked finally.
"Actually," I started quickly, in an attempt to buy more time. "I have some words to say before you devour me like a giant plate of spaghetti."
"Very well, speak your piece," Junebug muttered, disappointed that her fury would be prolonged.
"How is this a poorly written story, exactly?" I asked. "I thought we were doing pretty good with this one, right Rainbow?"
Rainbow Dash shrugged, "I thought it was 'meh' level," she smiled honestly. "Though the humor could use more presence here, since people might mistake it for a serious murder story."
Junebug shook her head in a negative fashion. "No no no," she said. "That's not it, this story, I mean it's just awful. The story makes no sense, the comedy is less than amusing, and let's face it, there are probably so many grammatical and spelling errors in here before the first edit that it would make Captain Blackbeard look like bloody Shakespeare!" Junebug was roaring now. "If anything I would be surprised if an editor's head doesn't just blow up from reading this. Not an enjoyable experience for anypony."
Now I was mad. I looked straight up at Junebug, my eyes filled with anger. "Now wait just an apple-bucking minute," I said, quoting Applejack for the first time thus far. "I thought we were doing well, providing a semi-interesting story with some decent dialogue and some pretty funny jokes. I mean, if somepony didn't enjoy the ride, then I doubt they would have read this far! Come on, no pony expected this to happen, I mean, I was into it!" I yelled.
"I saw it coming," Rainbow Dash said sarcastically. "Actually, I'm on with Pinkie Pie on this one though, I'm pretty sure we were doing fine, at least until this point where we've utterly ruined the story by talking about it, mid-climax, prolonging the exciting end of the story."
"Nope! It's awful," Junebug said, a wide smile cutting across her face.
"Stop trolling for unicorns!" I yelled aggravated.
"It's not called trolling if you're telling the truth," Junebug responded back coolly. "Enough talk, sick 'em boy!" The giant fly trap roared again, and began to send its lightning fast tentacles at us, reaching to take hold of its prey and devour the two of us whole. We tried to flee deep into the woods, but inevitably we were caught in the monster's grasp. It felt slimy to the touch, but it had a firm grip on me, squeezing me with ferocious intensity.
"How is this even possible?" I called out, impending death looming closer as the fly-trap lifted me nearer and nearer into its jaw. Was this really how it ends, I thought. Into the belly of a literal freak of nature.
"I dunno," Junebug shrugged. "It's your dream, Pinkie. Logic went out the window the second a dead body was found, considering we're supposedly a pacifist race of talking ponies."
"Wha-" I tried to call out, but it was too late, as I was tossed into the fly-trap's massive maw, looking at Rainbow Dash's desperate face all the while. The trap closed down. Darkness.
* * *
"Aaaaaaah!" I screamed as I landed hard on the floor of my bed room, my sheet following suit with me. I found myself looking upwards at the pink ceiling of my colorful room. I looked to the window to the left, as Celestia was shining down her gracious radiance upon the land, bringing morning once more. I tried to grab a quick hold of myself as I was breathing hard, and sweating like a popsicle in the hot summer air.
"Whew..." I gasped. "Only a nightmare." I looked around my room again to find that the walls were still painted their original color: pink. I looked up to my bed, where I had fallen from in my restless slumber to find that I had awoken Gummy, and he was now staring at me with indifferent intent. I sighed, and flipped myself on my belly and stood up, to get the juices flowing and to help shake off the nightmare.
I looked at the top of my lemon yellow desk, to find that it was void of all but one object: a picture of me and my five best friends in the whole world, that replaced the one of just Twilight, me, and that frightful doll of hers in the local newspaper. I was glad to have it back though, since I would never trade any of those friends for anything in the world. "Whew, what a crazy dream," I said to myself, shaking out my mane to have it return to its natural wildness. "I could never be that serious ever! Thank goodness it was only a dream though, I can't imagine how much trouble we'd be in if Rainbow Dash was the police chief. Right Gummy?" I said, turning to face him. Gummy continued on his blank look as usual, and I moved back towards the window to behold the glorious summer day.
Indeed it was, and I opened the window to feel the gentle breeze that brought a hint of coolness into my stuffy room. "Still, I wonder if I could ever really make it as a detective," I whispered to myself. I remembered the smiles of those I had 'helped' and it did bring a warm sensation into my heart once more. All of the sudden, as I looked down upon the town of Ponyville from the window, I saw a frantic Twilight Sparkle, looking anxiously for help.
"Somepony, anypony, please help! My Smarty Pants doll is missing!" she cried, clearly upset. Here was my chance, I thought, to live my dream, and everything that went with it. I could either snatch up the opportunity or ignore its enticing call. But, I had to test something first. I reached for the nearest book in my room, and chucked it out he window in Twilight's direction, just nearly missing her as she dodged frightfully to the left of the paper-back projectile. "Well," I smirked, reaching for a pair of sunglasses in one of my many disorganized drawers. "You might say I... threw the book at her," I said popping on the shades, forcing my mouth to stay straight.
"YEEEEAAAAH!" the small voice screamed, just like in my dream. I grinned.
"I still got it," I said as I ran out the door, ready to help Twilight find her hideously horrifying doll. Because I never turn down a cry for help.
