Accustomed to the Irregular

by Tropical Octave

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Spike, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 4726

Life is a delicate thing, only happening once and all. For Twilight, the one life she's able to unequivocally call her own has been recently turned on its head. Fortunately for her, good times and laughter never disappear at the library.

The bad news; There is no key to happiness.
The good news; It isn't locked.

Life is a delicate thing, only happening once and all. For Twilight, the one life she's able to unequivocally call her own has been recently turned on its head. It's not every day you inherit the duties of a kingdom, and to add onto that, become an alicorn. On the zenith of a new life, the young princess is taking time to prepare both herself and her assistant for what to come. Fortunately for her, good times and laughter never disappear at the library...No matter how strange the future may look.

Published 2013-05-18 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-18 20:00:02 UTC

Odd Mare Out

"If there are too things I hate, they're improper grammar and irony." ~Twilight Sparkle

It'd been roughly two weeks since the grand coronation of Twilight Sparkle, and needless to say, she thanked the heavens it was over. The crowds of adoring fans, the cheers from complete strangers, and worst of all, being addressed as "Princess". Not to say she doesn't feel honored or anything, but for all her life the only person who's called her princess was Spike; Who, in all meaning of the word, was sarcastic. Now, all of Equestria was barking at her hooves and she didn't know which way to think about it.

Both princess Celestia and Luna had taken notice to Twilight's estranged reaction to all the attention she was at the end of and, while slightly humored by her quirky disposition, took appropriate action. Deciding it was best to let the thought of being a leader to civilization sink in, they gave her some tomes on how to rule an empire as well as some practical advice: "Put your talents on display, beware you don't become the prey." And, although confused about the quote, the sterling young alicorn accepted their "gifts" without question. After all, Celestia had never let Twilight down in the past, who's to say she'd start now?

Now armed with a vast array of knowledge, the powers of a goddess and a willingness to learn, Twilight did the only thing she could do; Go back home. With no fancy castle to live in nor an empire to rule over (Not that she would want one in the first place), the humble, purple alicorn packed her bags into her abnormally large carriage and made off for home. Until it was said otherwise, Twilight would live as she normally would about Ponyville and try her hardest to improve the lives of her friends and neighbors. After all, it was kind of her only duty at this point, and it beat sitting around the library all day...Right?

Breathing heavily, Spike carried a plate of toasted bagels up the flight of stairs to Twilight's bedroom with a vengeance. For the past six hours, he'd been resizing all the furniture about her room to accommodate her sightly growth spurt. The day was harsh, the night was brutal, and there was a giant mare-eating clam in the backyard! Well, maybe he was slightly over-exaggerating about the conditions, but Spike was certainly no carpenter. "You know, Twi, can't you just--" He panted, one hand on his chest, the other on the plate of delicacies. "Can't you just do like a spell to make you shorter or something? At this rate, the scales on my back are gonna jump overboard." The disheveled dragon droned. Putting the plate down on the nearest solid-standing object, he cracked the bones in his knuckles before waddling over to the much hard-at-work princess Sparkle.

Oh, how easy it is for those at work to get lost in their thoughts.

Wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead, Twilight released her telekinetic grasp on the needle-nose saw and sat back, sighing deeply as she did. "You know Spike, I," The sweaty princess began to say, raising a hoof into the air. There was air in her throat waiting and ready to tell her assistant he was wrong, but the power to voice the words was against her. Instead, she lowered her forehoof and scrunched her face. "Actually, I never thought about that. A spell that reduces one's height..." She said to Spike in a worryingly serious tone, who now was staring her down.

"You don't actually think that you could do that, do you?" He said acerbically, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "But if you DO find a way to pull it off, feel free to try it out," Spike continued, frowning as he looked to his feet. "These old girls need some R&R anyway."

Twilight tried her hardest to wear a poker face, but failed about three seconds in as she broke into a sigh. "You know Spike, I'd think that you above anypony else would be the most excited to head home. Getting practically nothing done for a whole six days straight, it just isn't right! Quite frankly, I'm surprised the library hasn't gathered any dust in our absence..." The alicorn said in an ever-so-slightly agitated tone, raising her wings as she did so. Feeling a light tap against their tips, she turned her head halfway back with a "Whaa--?"

The sudden raising of her new appendages started a chain reaction throughout the room. First, the tip of her wing knocked the saw to the floor, which tripped the light-switch to activate. Upon activation, the light startled a spider who had been making her home within the lampshade. The spider, upon crawling out of the lampshade, spooked Spike into tripping back into the steaming plate of bagels with a comedic thunk. "Gwah haaa!" Was the only thing the dragon could utter before falling to the floor along with the meticulously prepared plate of bagels.

Krrassh! Bam! Thump!

And a moment later, Spike was laying sprawled across the floor. Bagel number one lay still on the floor by the spider, bagel number two wound up across the room in Spike's bed, and bagel number three rested squarely on Twilight's face. Both the princess and her assistant locked eyes for a pair of two intense seconds, but no sooner than the visual confrontation started, it ended as the two broke out into a fit of wild laughter. Spike stayed on the floor for the duration of his laugh as Twilight chuckled, albeit loudly, whilst she cleaned the cream cheese from her mane and face. For a second, she could swear she heard the spider laughing along as well. "I swear to the sun, moon, and everything in-between, these wings have caused nothing but trouble since day one. Sure I can fly now, but come on. I can teleport practically anywhere! All these wings do is add on extra weight!" She said semi-seriously. Lifting the appendages to her face, she snorted quietly and chuckled again. "Plus, they put on pounds I never intended on gaining."

"Heartaches by the number, ehh?" Spike quipped, getting to his feet slowly as not to startle the content-looking spider across the room. He eyed it suspiciously, grabbing a glass jar from the shelf before making his way over to the small arachnid. "C'mon, little guy. Let's get you off the floor," He said in a motherly tone, corralling the eight-legged creature into the glass holding-cell.

Twilight couldn't help but feel slightly bemused with the situation, and with a flourish of magic, levitated the entrapped spider-jar out onto the balcony with haste. "Heh, well isn't this special," Twilight said coolly, re-closing the door to the deck. She sat back and watched the spider crawl from the jar and across the wooden planks, noting how the creature never looked back after its freedom. "The first princess-ly duty I've done since returning from Canterlot...And it's freeing a spider." She mumbled, just quiet enough for Spike (Now across the room cleaning up from 'bagel-geddon') not to hear. "Cute."

Breathing lightly, Twilight turned her head from her assistant to the clock atop her bed. The time read six-thirty, but after hours of remodeling, it felt closer to midnight.

Spike, now in the final stages of cleaning up, walked tiredly over to the trash bin and discarded a clump of paper towels. A few moments later, he started walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen and, without so much as turning his head, spoke innocently, "I can see it in your eyes, Twilight." And went to the fridge.

Slightly surprised at Spike's remark, Twilight's attention tuned from the clock to the dragon, now a floor below her. Ears pricking, she needed no further explanation as to his comment. "It's that obvious, isn't it?" The dreamy alicorn asked, now heading down the stairs herself.

"It's more obvious than a dragon among ponies," He said with a chuckle. "Since the first day, I could tell. It's not every day a pony inherits the awesom powers and responsibilities of a goddess, right? 'Princess Twilight Sparkle; Envy of little girls everywhere'!" Spike exclaimed vigorously, creating a rainbow motion with his arms. "Has a nice ring to it, ehh?"

Twilight could merely facehoof at the gesture. "C'mon Spike, this is serious! If my lack of self-confidence is as evident as you make it out to be, who's to say everypony else won't notice either?" She said with a slump, raising her left wing to her face. "Just because I'm a princess now, it doesn't mean I've grown any wiser. The only thing I've grown are these infernal wings." The abashed alicorn concluded with a sigh.

Spike held a solitary bagel up to his eye, staring into it as if it were a priceless jewel. Inhaling sharply, he focused his inner dragon on the delectable looking afternoon snack, then released a low stream of green fire that consumed its entirety for no more than a second. "Mwah! Perfect!" He exclaimed, eying the perfectly cooked bagel with a smug look about himself. A few seconds later, he handed the artisan snack to a distraught princess Twilight. "Don't think like that, Twilight. You proved to be more than able to become an alicorn when you were made one by Celestia herself! You shouldn't beat yourself up over destiny, you know." He said sagely. Noting how Twilight hadn't cheered up like he'd initially predicted, Spike watched coolly as Twilight merely levitated the bagel to her right eye and gazed through it.

"Thanks, Spike. I really appreciate the offer, but the only magic I've ever mastered," She spoke, air-quoting the word with her forehooves. "Is 'friendship'." And with that, she took a solitary bite of the snack. Thinking to herself, she was surprised at not only the perfect taste of the bagel, but how Spike had managed to crisp it in the first place. "Wow, you weren't kidding when you said this was perfect!" Twilight exclaimed with shock. "Definitely a ten out of ten!"

Face blushing now, Spike held his claws behind his back and looked to the floor out of embarrassment. "Gee, thanks princess. Since I'll be serving royalty from now on, I figured I'd step up my game when it came to mealtime," He said innocently, now twiddling his thumbs (Sue me).

Twilight's face contorted slightly at the "Royalty" remark, putting her mind into distress. Giving a quiet sigh, Twilight smiled before resting a forehoof on her assistant's shoulder. "Spike, the thought of you becoming a royal chef is entertaining, but silly. You don't honestly think I'll be needing any special services now, do you? It's still me. Twilight Sparkle." She said in a bemused tone. "The only difference between me now and me last week is the title 'Princess of the Library'," Laughing at her own little joke, Twilight patted Spike on the head and took a seat at the kitchen table. "How about we talk about something else for a little bit? Maybe something that isn't along the lines of my god powers, mortality, or relationships with my friends, ehh?" She said comically. Cocking an eyebrow and motioning to the other chair, Twilight sat back and let her wings fall to the side. "So Spike, how's it going?"

Spike narrowed his eyelids, smirking slightly at the question. "So fine it should be a sin. Yourself?" He said, taking the obvious bait to change conversation topics.

Twilight stifled a laugh, trying her hardest to keep the conversation normal. "Well, if that isn't the most light-hearted response I've ever heard. But I digress," The alicorn said briskly, telekinetically grasping a nearby pitcher of apple juice and a bucket of water. "How about something to take the edge off? You know, break the ice?" Twilight mused, a stupid smile stretched across her face. As she was talking, the purple alicorn flash-froze the water bucket, then cracked out several perfectly-squared ice cubes.

"I'd be delighted. All this hard work really builds up a thirst, if I do say so myself." Spike answered with a hint of playfulness in his voice. He and Twilight would mess around with each other in these types of situations so often, the whole ordeals were almost scripted. "Shall I fetch a pair of glasses?" He said, turning towards the cabinet.

"Oh, please do! And while you're at it, would you do me the honor of retrieving some of the...You know what." Twilight said as slyly as she could, snickering all the while. Her tail flicked back and forth nervously as she watched Spike turn his head and look at her questioningly. "You don't mean the--" He began saying, but was stopped when Twilight more-than-abruptly spoke up.

"Yes! That!" She exclaimed, joy positively radiating from her face. "I think the both of us deserve this, especially after a whole week away from home." Sly-light Sparkle said in a teasing tone of voice. "Plus, it'd be the first time we've had any since my transformation!"

Unable to argue with Twilight's logic, Spike too donned a smile as he reached for a pair of wine glasses. "I can't remember how long it's been since I last had some, so by that logic," The dragon said in an empowering voice, raising his left claws into the air. "It's been too dang long!" And started making his way towards the library's main foyer. Without so much as looking back, he happily trotted past Twilight and into the other room. "I'll only be a minute!"

Twilight craned her neck as she watched Spike disappear from view. "You have sixty seconds!" She shouted. From her seat at the table, the perky, purple alicorn giggled and kicked her hind legs at the very thought of what to come. Across the hall, she could hear Spike scrambling with the sliding-ladder as he searched for his mark. "Golly, how un-princess like this must seem," She said laughing to herself, eying the equine-a-quin dressed in royal attire that stood silently across the room. "Hmm...Nopony must know of this!" She said slyly, magically drawing a towel over the figure's unmoving frame. "Not even the ponies of the wax kingdom!"

"Especially not the ponies from the wax kingdom!" Spike said happily as he walked back to the table. In his claws rested a solitary box; Colored a bright, shiny shade of red, the box was adorned with the finest golden wrapping-paper this side of Equestria. "So...Who's gonna open it?" The now panting dragon said with a happy grin about his face. Out of nervousness, he began smoothing the scales atop his head whilst awaiting a response.

Twilight shifted her eyes in a sultry fashion, batting her eyelashes at the obviously eager Spike. "Oh, I was hoping that my big, strong royal chef could open it...If it's not too much trouble, of course." A second later, Twilight broke character and threw an over-exaggerated wink in his direction, moving practically her whole head in the process.

Catching the nearly impossible-to-miss signal, Spike started to laugh, but stifled it through a series of coughs. "EHrhmm, terribly sorry, m'lady. I'd just remembered a joke from earlier this morning." He mumbled innocently, winking absurdly hard back. "But of course, I'd be delighted to open the box!"

Before Twilight could get in an audible response, she giggled as her wings shot up with excitement. "Oh my! It would seem the girls are excited too, aren't we ladies?" She asked to her wings. Holding them before her face, she cooed them like a mother to her foal. "D'awww, it's okay girls. I know we've only known each other for a couple days, but we need to behave ourselves if you want to be rewarded. If you shoot up like a bullfrog every time you get excited, other ponies will think you're not housebroken, mmmkay?" Twilight said as pleadingly as she could manage, kissing the tips of every feather like a newborn.

All the while, Spike was barely managing to keep himself from falling to the floor out of sheer laughter. This was the first time in a week Twilight had dropped the princess schtick, and it made him feel good that she was getting back into the swing of normality...as strange as theirs might be. "Easy princess, if you coddle them like this all the time, they'll never learn their manners!" He stated bemusedly, a joyous smile creasing his face.

"Oh hush, Spike. What type of parent would I be if I didn't coddle the kids every now and again?" Twilight asked. A second later, her facial expression turned from one of dignity to cunning. "If memory serves, I explicitly remember you having your fair share of gems from the royal pantry." She said giggling.

Spike's face turned a stark shade of pink at the accusation. Face contorted, the dragon began to fire off a cluster of defensive sentences. "You don't know that! You can't know that! I was alone! At midnight!" He argued. He stopped suddenly after the fourth rebuttal, and at the sight Twilight's hooves being the only things keeping her smiling face up, he threw in the towel on the impossible uphill battle. "Fine, you win just..." He started, staring awkwardly at the alicorn's sarcastic smile. "Just stop smiling like that. It's making me feel nervous." Spike concluded, not lifting his eyes from the purple mare across the table.

Laughing lightly, Twilight dropped her faux smile and nodded towards the still unopened box. "Sure, hotshot. I'll drop the bedtime eyes for a favor..." The purple enchantress said craftily, reveling in Spike's nervous curiosity. Allowing just shy of thirty seconds to pass, she figured her assistant had toiled quite long enough to deserve an answer. "...Opening the box."

Spike, who had been holding his breath throughout the entirety of the stare-down, gave an audible sigh of relief at the 'Favor'. "You know Twilight, if you acted like this outside of our games, I'm sure you'd have a coltfriend by now," He stated sarcastically, rubbing his scaly talons along the box passionately.

Twilight visibly gagged at Spike's remark. "Oh you shut up, I'm a knockout with the stallions! I'd sooner--" The princess of the library said defensively. However, halfway into her argument, she decided to change subjects back to the topic at hoof. "Never mind! Let's...Let's just enjoy tonight for what it's worth, okay? Is that too much to ask for?"

Taking the hint, Spike smiled innocently and nodded. "Okay, Twi. We'll have it your way," He stated freely.

Twilight released the breath she'd been holding, nodding back to Spike. "Thanks, Spike. Now..." She said deviously, eying the box like a hawk to a chicken. "Open it up. We've wasted enough time with games!"

"I agree," Spike chimed, grabbing the lid of box with both hands (Keep the lawsuits coming) he eyed the wrapping paper as if it contained the Luck Diamond. "It's about time we shared this together again!"

Then, in a flourishing motion, Spike removed the lid to the small container and shared a look of excitement with his alicorn companion. No sooner had the box been opened, Twilight telekinetically brandished a three-pound sphere of solid Gryphonion milk chocolate. "It's more beautiful than I remember..." Were the only words to escape the captivated librarian's lips as she looked deep into the orb of pure, molten deliciousness.

Across the table, Spike's eyes flashed with desire as he too stared into the awesome power of the orb. A drop of drool began to form at the corners of his mouth when he uttered a simple phrase, "My precious..." and began to lurch out with his left arm subconsciously when a large, purple telekinetic hoof slapped it away.

"Spike! You know we can't just touch it!" Twilight clamored, one eye on the orb, the other on Spike's face. "Now hold still, this is going to take my total concentration. If you so much as think about touching it, I'll...I'll...You know what I'll do!" She said hotly, but weakly. Knowing full well that Spike caught her subtle warning when he quickly nodded, she concentrated all of her god-powers on the solid ball of sugary cacao. Thin, pink wisps of mystical energy began to dance gracefully around the orb, creating a visible field of heat that consumed its entirety. Blinking hard, Twilight looked sharply at the glass by her side, nodding for Spike to grab it. Returning the nod, the dragon grasped the cup and held it diligently under the orb as still as he could possibly manage.

After the cup was in place, Twilight closed her eyes and forced the pink wisps to enter the chocolate like a worm to an apple. One by one, they penetrated the sphere and began to heat it from the inside. "It's working, Twilight! Keep it up!" Spike blurted, unable to contain his excitement any longer. Only twelve times in his life had he and Twilight shared the delicacy; Once for each of his nine birthdays, again after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, an eleventh time for Chrysalis' defeat, and, most recently, the saving of the Crystal Empire. Today was going to mark the thirteenth time and needless to say, he was thrilled for the occasion. "Just put a little more effort into her! The cup's beginning to fill!"

One wisp at a time, the pink streams did the tango in and around the priceless chocolate before coalescing into a cone at its base. Flowing into the glass drip after drip, the warm chocolate smelled so good, the two hungry librarians could practically taste it. Without thinking, Spike desperately began crying out about the particularly slow speed at which the orb was being melted, "Twi, I think I'm gonna crack if you keep melting it at this pace--" Only to be slapped in the face by Twilight's right wing.

"Hush, boy! The chocolate never melts early nor late...It melts precisely as fast as it pleases to!" The alicorn blurted, eyes never leaving her mark.

On the other end of the table, Spike rubbed his left cheek where the purple pinions had met with his scales. "Jeez, okay Twilight the Violet," He said with warm resent, but quickly switched back to lustful inquisitiveness. "Just...Just make it perfect?" He said, hints of desperation circling his words.

Twilight nodded once with a blush of her face. "Sorry Spike, I know how long it's been. Just a little longer though..." She stated with happy recollection. Closing her eyes one last time, the alicorn winced and let the last of the mystical energy phase gracefully into the air. A solitary wipe of her brow later, Twilight reopened her eyes to see a particularly quiet dragon sitting across the table and cocked an eyebrow. "Spike, the chocolate's finished!" She said gleefully, raising a hoof to his scaly chin. "Let this mark the thirteenth time we've shared it together!"

Spike's expression went from that of total diligence to whimsy in under a second. He didn't need to be told twice. "Oh my Celestia, it's absolutely perfect!" He exclaimed, shifting the glass containing the molten Gryphonion chocolate back and forth. "And there has never been a lovelier thirteenth of anything in the history of ponydom," He stated cheerfully, but no sooner did he raise a claw to his chin to question it. "Well, except maybe a thirteenth...Nevermind." The young comedian said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

Twilight had just finished magically refreezing and resealing the now two and a half-pound chocolate sphere in its mystic container and, a series of excited gestures later, filled the glasses that had been slowly gathering dust with apple juice. "I'd like to propose a toast, my dear Spike." She said with a flourish of happiness.

"And to that, my dear Twilight," Spike responded, staring dreamily into the alicorn's star-filled eyes. "I must accept. But might I ask...What to?"

Twilight levitated the glass to the air as she leaned forwards with a smile. "A toast...to friendship!" She shouted gleefully, wings shooting up and nearly knocking the pitcher off the table. A quick save later, the princess of the Ponyville library looked sheepishly to her number one assistant who now was staring at her half seriously, a grin creasing his face. "What?!" She blurted, noting Spike's sarcasm-filled expression. "It's not my fault they have a mind of their own!"

"Okie dokie lokie," Spike said nonchalantly, never taking his eyes off the obviously befuddled mare. "But let's toast to something less..." He started, holding claws to chin as he looked to the ceiling. "Abrupt."

"Oh yeah, wise guy?" Twilight asked, slightly sided at her own idea for what they should be toasting to. "What'd you have in mind?" She queried. "Gems? Jewels? Maybe even..." She stated with a snicker. "...Sweetie Belle?"

Spike winced very, very slightly. "No."

Twilight pouted at the one, solitary rebuke. "Then what?"

Spike reached his left claws to the now-cooled chocolate, pricking a piece and eating it. "I propose a toast to the future."

"I'm sorry, what?" Twilight asked, confused at the strange prospect.

"I said I propose a toast to the future. In darkest nights and hardest strifes I give my heart to you. When you're feeling sad or so alone, remember I'm there too. The love we have, I can't describe but this is what I'll do. I give this oath and with a vow, I promise we'll make it through. And now...now we have all the time in the world to see everypony's dreams come true." The small dragon continued, running his claws along the inside of the wine glass. "It's a small world out there, Twi, it needs a whole lot of tending...And you're the gardener." He concluded, shifting his gaze from the glass to Twilight. "That is what I want to toast to."

Spike raised his glass high and motioned Twilight to do the same. Without a word, she grasped the glass with her forehoof and raised it to the heavens. "To the future." She declared thoughtfully. "And a bright one at that. You know, Spike, I think I needed that." The alicorn said smiling.

With a light chuckle, Spike clinked his glass against Twilight's. "My dragon-sense was tingling, and if it's anything like Pinkie Pie's, I need to follow through on it," He said, returning the smile Twilight was shooting him. "But hey, like you said earlier, philosophical talks can wait. This is a party after all."

Princess Twilight Sparkle sat back in her seat, gazing into her assistant's draconian eyes with benevolence. Magically levitating a piece of chocolate to her mouth, she grasped the bottle of apple juice and held it into the air. "Indeed, my sterling young Spike. There's always the magical land of tomorrow! Now, if you'd allow it, the next refill is on me..."

And, for the first time in days, everything was well in the small world within the library. The prospects of the future, no matter how strange or mystifying, no longer stood as tall as previously thought. With renewed confidence in both themselves and tomorrow, the librarians chatted the night away in a blissful panoramic of laughter, joy, and reminiscence.

No matter how great nor strange the obstacles in this new life would be, one thing is for certain; It couldn't get any weirder than this...Right?

To be perfect is to have all your flaws be in your favor.

Accustomed to the Irregular

Author's Note

~An After-Story~

Luna's log - Night One

We are tiny, insignificant microbes in an endless abyss of space.
From whence did we come?
What are we? Who are we?
What is our role in all of creation?

Our actions cause barely a quantum ripple in the vast ocean of space and time.
It is the folly of pony that he chooses to spend a lifetime in pursuit of wealth and power.
He hopes to leave a legacy long after his death, sacrificing all that he cherishes in the process.
Utterly meaningless.

I was a princess.
I am content merely to drift peacefully without worry or sorrow across the infinite vacuum of space.
Neither the suffering nor violence of Equestria shall plague the serenity of my soul.
I am one with myself.
I am one with the universe.