Dear Princess Twilight,
As your former teacher, I am always concerned for your well-being, and I want to make sure that I have prepared you for many things in life. I want you to be the best pony you can be. However, I know that there are plenty of situations that can catch you off guard, and take the hooves out from under you. That is why, even though you are no longer my student, I want to share with you one more lesson that I have learned about being a princess. It is one lesson that I have put into much use in the many long years of my reign, and I know that it will help you through even the most troubling of times. Sadly, even though I wish with all my heart to be able to give you this lesson myself, I am otherwise occupied with restraining Discord, who has recently taken up redecorating the castle. I don’t have to tell you that custard makes a very poor carpet, and while rock candy is quite tasty, using it as a bed can give horrible wing cramps. Your friend Pinkie Pie, who is assisting me, has taken to...disposing of any unnecessary changes, but her limit seems to be a dozen toffee flavored table lamps at a time. So, in my stead, I sent to you one of the most talented teachers in the field who will arrive in Ponyville in two days. Please, learn from him as you would me, and take the lessons he teaches to heart. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve learned.
Your devoted mentor,
Princess Celestia
“SPIIIIKE!” came the call, echoing off the interior of the Golden Oaks Library. After the last of the shout died away, Princess Twilight Sparkle - heir apparent to the throne of Equestria, should its two immortal rulers blatantly ignore the dictionary definition of immortal - bounded to the base of her staircase loudly calling for her dozing assistant. Being an alicorn, the shout was quite powerful, though she was certain that it had not reached the decibel levels of some of the louder things she had experienced. The Royal Canterlot Voice, Vinyl Scratch’s morning/ early afternoon wake-up alarm, and Pinkie Pie when Rainbow Dash ate the last cupcake, were all much louder.
Twilight had spent the last two days barricaded in the library, with only short power naps and five minute meals to keep her going. Despite the toll that such a feat takes on a pony, Twilight seemed to be quite surprisingly alert. Of course her familiarity with such long study sessions may have helped, but Twilight was sure that the enhanced stamina of an alicorn was behind her current energy levels. After all, she had seen firsthoof the length of time that Princess Cadance had been able to stay awake, and she had been maintaining a difficult spell for over a week. Just thinking about the amount of sleep she could remove from her schedule was making her giddy, and she hadn’t even had any coffee yet. She did have a theory that this related to the stamina of an earth pony, but that was a research project that she would have to perform later. Right now, she had to make her library presentable for the respected guest that was going to arrive later that day.
As the formerly slumbering dragon rose from his bed and stretched his arms to work out the sleep induced kinks, he began to mentally fortify himself for a long, hard day. Twilight had been absolutely ridiculous during the past two days. She had gotten a letter from Princess Celestia about some teacher coming to give her a princess lesson, but there was no mention of who exactly was coming. Twilight had immediately written back asking for her substitute teacher’s identity and when she received the reply, Twilight had nearly lost it. It turned out that Celestia wanted the teacher, and their subject to be a surprise, and Twilight hadn’t stopped going crazy with studying since.
She had almost kept him up all of the first night, just looking for references. He could tell that she wanted to make a good impression on the teacher by knowing their entire subject before the lesson started Spike was almost certain that she had gone through twenty large spellbooks since he had last been downstairs. Speaking of which...
“Whaddya want Twilight? I’m trying to sleep here.” he yawned as he waddled over to the staircase, rubbing his eyes.
“There’s no time for that now Spike! My teacher is coming, and the library is a huge mess! The books are all over the place, and I don’t think I can even find a chair in there that isn’t covered in note papers. Have you been slacking off in your chores?”
The arctic climate of the area surrounding the Crystal Empire could not have matched the coldness of the glare she received. Naturally, her alicorn physiology left her completely immune to cold weather. “Come on and we’ll get started. We need to make it spotless before he arrives.”
The first of many books held in his claw, Spike got to work, grumbling that ever since she had become an alicorn, even her messes were bigger. A sigh escaped his mouth as he resigned himself to his fate. He still couldn’t figure out why Twilight had pulled out all of the Starswirl books again, though. Did she think he was going to come back from the dead, just to teach her for an afternoon? That was crazy.
Everypony already knows that when things come back from the dead, they want to eat your brains, not make them smarter.
It took all morning to clean the wreck that Twilight had made, and by lunchtime Spike was exhausted. It took some convincing, but Twilight finally agreed to break for food. Spike was just about to bite into his lightly grilled carbuncle burrito, when a fearsome belch issued forth a letter from Celestia. Of course that highly important scroll knocked all the filling out of his tortilla, and onto his lap. Muttering under his breath about alicorns and their lack of consideration, Spike trudged over to his roommate and gave her the mail.
Her horn aglow, Twilight unfurled the letter, and read aloud it’s contents.
Dear Princess Twilight,
As I am sure you are aware, your substitute teacher will be arriving today. He has been given directions to your home, and will arrive around 1 o’clock in the afternoon. He will have a letter of recommendation from me that you should read when he arrives. Again, I am sorry I could not be there myself. However, as the teacher is due to arrive at any moment after you read this letter, I believe it is time to explain your subject. You see, during my rule over Equestria, I have found one bit of knowledge invaluable: proper decorum in all situations. In trade negotiations with Griffons, in dealing with nobles who just will not take “Get out of my castle before I call the guards.” for an answer, and in making sure that my sister does not realize that I have eaten the last piece of her cake, it is imperative to keep that decorum. It is what is commonly known, as the poker face, and my dear Twilight, you don’t have one. Because of this, I have sent a uniquely gifted teacher to you. Look carefully at his expression when he arrives. What you see on his face, I want you to be able to mimic the next time we meet.
Your devoted mentor,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Pinkie says hi.
Twilight had just reached the last period of the letter, when there came a knock on the door. Frantically checking to make sure that all of her feathers were aligned, and her mane was brushed, she raced to the door. Her nerves were shot, and she was sure that the visitor knocking at the door now was the absolute model of the decorum her beloved teacher wanted her to learn. Just a few hoofsteps away from the knob, and her studious mind managed to process the contents of the lesson set to her.
She could not open the door as she was. She needed to use the lessons that she had learned from her foalsitter on calming down, first. Then, and only then, would she be ready for this new test. A deep breath in, and a slow exhale later, she was ready.
She opened the door, and looked outside.
She closed the door, eyes wide, pupils dilated.
Twelve calming breaths and more knocking later, she once again opened the door.
Once again, the door was closed. Muffled though it was, the guest could hear a shouting alicorn through the door.
“The breathing, it does NOTHING!”
It took her awhile, but on attempt fifteen, Twilight was actually able to gather enough of her shattered mind to understand what she was seeing. It seemed like something out of a horrible dream. This teacher was no Starswirl the bearded, nor famed geneticist Double Helix. This was her teacher on decorum? She would have better luck learning how to solve string theory from Applejack! She would fail this lesson, utterly.
She stared a bit longer. It was then that she noticed the letter of introduction it held out. Taking it with her magic and cracking it’s seal, her troubled mind could not think straight. Under the stress she was in, she could only imagine the letter to contain her condemnation, for failure to properly prepare for this situation.
Shakily opening the scroll, she read the short message.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Gotcha.
Your friends,
Pinkie Pie and Princess Celestia