How not to behave in a library.

Chapters

The Canterlot Library
The wrath of Celestia
The railway worker
Twilight the wild pony
A very awkward morning
The smart one
A warm welcome

The Canterlot Library

Twilight Sparkle was a happy pony. But this day she was even happier than usual. With a big smile she trotted trough the old, cupper plated doors of the "Bibliotheca Celestianum", also known as the Canterlot Library. It was a part of the vast Canterlot Archives, containing thousands of works of pony literature. And as a student Twilight had been granted entrance to this precious books for her research about piracy and seafaring during the early ponyistic age. This was going to be so fun!

The lavender unicorn stopped by the small cafeteria next to the lobby and bought a take away cocoa and a cinnamon bun. She knew that she would stay at the library for a couple of hours and she really didn't want to have to leave her studies just to go and buy some food later. It was always good to be prepared, she thought.

Soon she had passed the security check (where she had to leave her bags, this library contained the most valuable books and bags were not allowed because of an earlier incident where a grey pegasus had "borrowed" the Golden Book of Equestria and somehow lost it on her way home. It was later found in the bushes together with an empty box of muffins) and approached the help desk.
"Excuse me, I would like to look at the Illustrated Incunabulum of Celestia's Wisdom," Twilight said.
"This way, please."
After a little while Twilight was seated at a table in a very quiet part of the library and the librarian had carefully placed the old book in front of her.
"Do you want hoof gloves?" she asked.
"No, thank you. I prefer to turn the pages with my magic just to make sure I don't leave any hoof prints on the parchment."
"How thoughtful!"

When the librarian had left, Twilight slowly opened the book and started to read and take notes on her papers. After a while she remembered that her cocoa would get cold and she decided to have a sip. She placed the cup right beside the open book. A pinkish unicorn with purple mane approached out of nowhere. She wore an elaborate dress.
"Excuse me, but should you really put it there? It might spill..."
"I'll be careful," Twilight said and took another sip. "I'm a librarian in Ponyville and I know what I'm doing. But thanks for the concern."
"But food is really not allowed in the library. You must hide it if Miss Crumplepony comes around!"
"I will, thank you... North Star?"

The handwritten pages were very thin and every time there was a little draft they wanted to get turned over by the wind. It annoyed Twilight and she decided to put something in the book to hold them down. Twilight put her cinnamon bun on a napkin and placed it on the page as a makeshift paperweight. She continued to read.
After she had finished the page, Twilight realized that she was getting a bit hungry. She took a bite of her bun and placed the cup on the page to hold it in place. Then she switched cup and bun. And then back again. The text was so interesting!

Suddenly she heard hoof steps coming from behind! Could it be Miss Crumplepony? Quickly she decided to hide the bun under the book, but she hadn't thought of the cup placed in the middle of the page! When Twilight lifted the old incunabulum the cup fell over and hot cocoa flushed over the parchment like a brown deluge!
"Oh no! No no no NO!!!" she said, frantically shaking the book, trying to get the cocoa of its pages.
"Is there anything wrong?" North Star asked.
"Oh, no, not at all!" Twilight answered and quickly slammed the book shut. "Absolutely no problem here."
"All right then..."

But as soon as North Star had left, Twilight opened the book and watched in horror the mess that she had made. The Illustrated Incunabulum was donated to the library by princess Celestia herself! It was probably over a thousand years old! What to do? What to do?!
Twilight took her napkin and began to furiously scrub the pages. But it didn't work. The big, brown stain of cocoa was clearly visible! The desperate unicorn thought about hiding the book somewhere and then run away, back to Ponyville. But she knew that she couldn't do that. She had to somehow return the book and then sneak away before the librarians discovered the horrible truth.
And what if princess Celestia would hear about how she had destroyed her book? She would at least be very, very angry with her. And maybe punish her! Twilight quivered with fear. What if Celestia decided to fire her from her work as a librarian? And what would happen if she couldn't find another job? Then she would have to leave Ponyville and all her friends!

The lavender unicorn came up with a brilliant plan. She quickly ripped out the damaged pages and replaced them with blank pages from another book that she had taken from the shelf. If she could carefully copy all the text from the damaged pages, nopony would notice!
The only problem was that Twilight's writing didn't match the fine calligraphy from the thousand year old book at all! Her letters looked clumsy and big compared to the older text. But she had used a quill and she couldn't erase her mistakes!
"No no noo!" she said for herself, burying her face in her hooves.

Then she came up with an even more brilliant plan. What if she could just switch the book's cover? Twilight looked around to make sure that nopony watched. Then she tried to tear the cover from the old Incunabulum. It was hard work, but after a while she had managed to rip the cover from the book. She then took another book, a new one that was in perfect condition, and discretely tore of its cover. Now she had three damaged books!
Twilight sneaked back to the help desk and stole a small bottle of glue when the librarian looked away. She then emptied the whole bottle on the old book's cover and put the contents from the undamaged book there. And she pressed everything together with her hooves.
But after a while she got a bit tired. Twilight decided to put the book on the chair and sit on it for half an hour, just to make sure that the glue would harden really good.

When half an hour had passed, Twilight decided it was time to hide the evidence, return the book and discretely sneak away. Hopefully the librarian wouldn't notice that it was now a completely different book between the covers.
Then she realized that she had glued herself to the book. Her long, dark blue tail had come in contact with the glue and now she was stuck like a fly on a flypaper!

Very slowly she rose from the chair and sneaked away from the table, constantly moving in an angle that would hopefully hide the book from view. Then she heard a pony approaching!
Quickly Twilight pressed herself against the bookshelf, just moments before an old, wrinkled pony appeared.
"Oh, hi Miss Crumplepony!" she said with a big, awkward smile.
"What are you doing?" the old pony asked.
"Oh, nothing at all! Just leaning against the shelf. Relaxing, you know. Not hiding anything... because there is nothing to hide, off course!"
"I beg you pardon?"
"And I like to relax. Everypony likes to relax from time to time... No, I meant so say that I was stretching. Yes! That's it! I was stretching my legs because I have become tired of sitting for so long while carefully reading my book, which is in excellent condition."
"Excellent condition?" the old pony asked, a bit confused.
"Yes! Very excellent condition, in fact so excellent that I got tired in my legs by just reading it. And therefore I needed to stretch."
"Vey well then..." said Miss Crumplepony and slowly walked away.

As soon as Miss Crumplepony had left, Twilight jammed the book into the space between a heavy glass door and the doorframe. With her hooves pressed against the door she managed to tear the book loose from her tail. But in the process she cracked the glass and a couple of long, dark blue tail hairs were left, still glued to the cover! Oh no!
Twilight decided to use a lit candle and burn of the hairs from the book, thereby elegantly removing the evidence of her vandalism. She held the book over the flame and the hairs went up in smoke. It smelled horrible, but at least nopony would... Then the glue caught fire! The whole book cover erupted in flames!
In panic, Twilight tossed the burning book into the wastebasket, which immediately erupted in flames too!
There was a lot of smoke and fire and Twilight galloped across the room to get the fire extinguisher. She then filled the whole basket with foam and sprayed some of it on the carpet too. Quickly she emptied the basket's half burnt, messy contents on the floor, grabbed the book and brushed of most of the foam. Luckily nopony had seen her.
Then she quietly sneaked away from the scene.

On her way out she saw North Star preparing to return a book that she had borrowed. Twilight got an idea. A very, very villainous idea... Slowly she sneaked up behind North Star and switched their books when the pinkish unicorn was looking away. She had made it! Nopony would discover her secret!
Happily Twilight trotted towards the exit, now carrying North Star's book instead of her own! With a big smile she handed the undamaged book to the librarian.
"Excellent condition, indeed!" the librarian said and Twilight left trough the security check, still smiling happily.

When North Star returned her book to the librarian, the pony looked very angry when she discovered its condition.
"What the hay have you done to the book? The cover is burnt and sticky with some kind of foam... What in the hay, North Star?"
"Oh, I'm sorry... I don't know what..."
"This is truly unacceptable. You have damaged one of Celestia's most valuable books!" the librarian said angrily. "This is covered with glue! How the hay did the glue get there, North Star?!"
"No... please, I didn't... I don't know what went wrong."
Then suddenly Twilight came back.
"Oh, silly me! I almost forgot," she said and put the empty bottle of glue back on the counter.
Her smile froze when she realized her mistake.

Author's Note

This was inspired by a Mr Bean episode. I thought "What would happen, if Twilight did it?"

The wrath of Celestia

Princess Celestia, the alicorn ruler of Equestria, was enjoying a cup of tea in her royal garden where the birds sang almost as beautiful as if Fluttershy had directed them. The princess took a sip, skilfully levitating the small porcelain cup with her magic.
Then she heard the sound of quick hoof steps in the gravel. "Please don't bother me with nonsense. Please don't bother me with nonsense...." she whispered for herself, closing her eyes in a vain hope that she somehow would not be seen.

"Princess Celestia?"
She opened her eyes and saw a kneeling pony. It was a little white unicorn mare with some kind of ridiculous wig. Her cutie mark was a hand fan.
"Yes?"
"There is... it seems that... eh... it appears to have... happened some kind of accident involving a book that might have been damaged," she said while scraping with her hoof in the gravel.
"Please continue," said Celestia, her eyes narrowing.

Slowly the princess put her cup down. The unicorn followed it with her gaze until it stood firmly on the table.
"It was a book from the Canterlot Archives... The book that has been damaged is not damaged so much on the inside, as it is on the outside. A good book binder could probably restore it to its former appearance and..."
"And what book might that be?"
"The... Illustrated Incunabulum of Ce... Celestia's Wisdom."
"What?!" Celestia screamed, furiously looking around for an object to throw. "I personally donated that book to the library! Me and Luna wrothe it over a thousand years ago! This will end badly for the pony who did it!"

* * *

Spike knocked on Twilight's door a second time but there was still no answer. Slowly he turned the handle and opened the door. He peered into the room.
"Twilight? Are you there?"
The light was out and books were strewn across the floor. Papers and quills lay scattered on the carpet. There was no sign of the unicorn but the dragon had known her for so long that he could nearly feel her presence. He looked towards Twilight's bed on the landing near the window and noticed a darker shape among the shadows underneath it.
"Twilight... are you hiding under your bed?"
Slowly the lavender unicorn emerged, her mane ruffled and her eyes sad.
"Twilight, you can't hide in your room for all eternity. I have a letter to you from princess Celestia..."
With a gasp she crawled back under the bed, like a frightened tortoise retreating into its shell.

After a while Spike's patience had reached its limit and he just tossed the letter to her under the bed.
"Here you go. You can read it for yourself," he said.
Twilight's horn glowed in the dark as she red the letter.

"T. Sparkle.

I have summoned you to Canterlot Castle for a meeting tomorrow morning. Report your presence to the guard at arrival.

Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia, Alicorn Ruler of Equestria and Protector of the Crystal Empire, Goddess of the Sun, Divine Ruler of Ponykind, Domina et Dea, Guardian of Life Eternal."

That was all. No mention of the book or anything that would give her the slightest clue about the princess's mood except for the shortness of the text that somehow conveyed the impression of a very displeased princess. Twilight's heart jumped in her chest and her hooves felt shaky.

* * *

The same evening Twilight stepped aboard the Friendship Express. Her bags were packed with books, parchment and quills. A cold autumn wind played with her dark blue mane.
"Back to Canterlot already, Miss Sparkle?" the conductor asked.
"Yes... I have been summoned by princess Celestia," said the unicorn.

During the entire journey Twilight carried a vain hope that the train would somehow get delayed or misdirected to a far away corner of the realm. What would Celestia do? She could easily banish Twilight or put her back in magic kindergarten! Or maybe throw her in jail! She knew that she had caused damage to a valuable historical book in a way that was unacceptable for any pony, and the fact that she was a trained librarian only made it worse.
Then she came up with a desperate plan.

When the Friendship Express arrived at the Canterlot Station, glittering in the golden rays of dawn, there was no sign of Twilight at all. She wasn't on the train anymore.
Instead she was sleeping on a bench in a small station somewhere on the line, hiding from Celestia's wrath. The unicorn had used her bags as a pillow and borrowed an empty post sack to use as a blanket. The wooden bench was hard and she could just barely sleep due to the flickering light coming from a single light bulb in the ceiling. A tired, old station pony watched her from the ticket hatch across the room as the hours passed.
"Excuse me, are you lost?" he asked after a while.
"No, I'm just waiting for the train..." Twilight said.
"Which train?"
"The train to... to... Vanhoover!"
"Then you'll have to wait for a long time because that train just left the station."
"Excellent!"
The station pony gave her a stern look.
"Keep in mind that this train station is not a hotel or a homeless shelter. You can't live here, do you understand?"
"Yes, I'll leave as soon as my train arrives. I promise," Twilight lied.
"You'd better do. A week ago a blue unicorn was arrested by the railway police and thrown in the lockup for loitering. She claimed to be some kind of magician or something."

When the station pony had left Twilight realized that she could not possibly afford the ticket to Vanhoover with the few bits left in her bags. And what if the princess would put up wanted posters all over Equestria? In her imagination she could clearly see her being dragged away in hoofcuffs by Celestia's royal guards. Twilight leapt from the bench and started to pace around in circles. Small pearls of sweat emerged on her forehead.
"Oh, think think think!" she whispered.
Twilight knew that the only right option was to accept the blame and continue her journey to face Celestia. With dignity she should accept every punishment that the princess could sentence her to... But she didn't dare! What if Celestia would be furious and come at her, screaming with anger? What if she would banish her from Equestria forever? It was a possibility she had to take into account. Twilight feared it so much that she forgot all other possible outcomes. She would be banished from Equestria! And then she'll have to walk away alone, with nopony there to help her and to keep her company in the wilderness were she would desperately search for food until the cruel winter would seal her fate... The thought brought her to tears.

Then she got an idea! What if she'd come up with some clever disguise and a fake name? Then nopony would ever recognize her and she could continue to live In Equestria as if nothing had happened. That was truly a brilliant idea!
Exited, in a way that only a very desperate pony could be, she rushed to the public restroom and tied the old post sack around her neck like a cape and made a fake beard out of toilet paper. (ponies didn't use toilets but they still had toilet paper to blow their muzzels when they had a cold)
She looked at herself in the mirror and felt very proud of her ingenious disguise! She resembled an old wizard...
"I'm not Twilight Sparkle, I'm Twidalf the Grey," she said in a dark, fake voice.

When she left the restroom the station pony, who now was sweeping the floor with a broom, looked at her in bewilderment.
"What in all of Equestria are you doing? And why are you still here? The train headed for Vanhoover will arrive in any minute."
"I beg your pardon, dear sir! For I just arrived to this far and exotic location from a far away land."
"No, you have been here for a couple of hours already. And what is the toilet paper doing on your face? Have you a nosebleed?"
"It is my beard! And I am a powerful wizard!"
"Oh, no! Not another one..." the station pony sighed, hiding his face in his hoof. "I'll get the railway police right away."

The railway worker

It was morning in Equestria. Twilight Sparkle, still dressed in her fake beard and mail sack, was hiding behind the oil shed at the small train station were she had spent most of the night. The railway police hadn't shown up yet and she began to realize that the station pony had just wanted to scare her off. What annoyed her the most was that her ingenious disguise so clearly had failed its purpose. Why didn't anypony believe the idea that she was Twidalf the Grey? She realized, reluctantly, that she needed another disguise.

Twilight saw a building with the text "STORAGE DEPOT" written on its door. Slowly she stepped closer to the entrance and used her magic to pick the lock in a way that few other ponies could do. Without a sound the lavender unicorn opened the door and continued into the storage building, sneaking on the tips of her hooves.

The room was very dark and a smell of mothballs filled the damp air. In a big, wooden crate she found a heap of old uniforms of the type used by railway ponies. Twilight immediately donned a blue jacket, a shirt and a tie. She also put on a peaked cap. Now she had a real disguise, she thought. The unicorn looked at her reflection in the mirror and she was very content with what she saw. She sure looked very much like a railway worker.
"What the hay are you doing?" a harsh voice suddenly asked.
Twilight's heart almost stopped in fear.

"Get aboard the train at once! We are already late and all the other brakeponies are at their stations. Hurry up!"
The voice came from a very old railway pony with a red ribbon around his cap. He had glasses and a beard and Twilight guessed that he must be some kind of train dispatcher. Both ponies galloped away to a very long train that had arrived at the station while Twilight was busy trying on her new outfit.
Without giving her any chance to sneak away the train dispatcher shoved her onto a freight car.
"Release the brake! Today, please!" he yelled.
Twilight frantically turned the wheel and the freight car's brake released. The train dispatcher, who now had moved to his spot on the platform, made some kind of sign with his front leg. The other railway ponies on the train did it to. And Twilight, who had no clue what to do, just did like the others.
Then the train slowly started to move.

* * *

The freight train traveled through the Equestrian landscape in a trail of black smoke and a smell of burnt coal. It was not a pink, gingerbread-house like train as the Friendship Express but a instead very train-like train, Twilight thought. She enjoyed the wind in her mane and the beautiful view from the freight car. Oh, how she liked being a brakepony!
Then it started to rain. The drops carried with them small, black flakes of burnt coal and they landed on her face and all over her coat, slowly changing its color from lavender to grey. She started to feel cold and there was no shelter from the harsh wind on her lonely post.

After about an hour another railway pony emerged on top of a freight car and joined her on the platform.
"Go and get some coffee. But don't forget to come back here when your done, I don't like being here all day," he said.
Twilight slowly climbed over the train cars, very careful not to fall down. After what seemed to her as a breathtaking stunt she reached the train's caboose and opened its door with a shaking hoof.
"Coffee?" a grey earth pony asked, barely looking at her.
"Yes, please."
"Here you go. Have we met before? My name is Inky."
"My name is Twi... eh... hm... Sparklight Twinkle," Twilight said.
"Nice to meet you."

Inky was a very friendly pony, and Twilight appreciated her company. She knew so much about the railway and after Twilight had told her that she was new, Inky had promised to show her how to switch rails.
"Do you know where we are headed?" Twilight asked.
"Off course! We're en route to Smokey Mountain. Celestia is building something in the Unicorn Range..."
Twilight almost spilled her coffee when she heard the princess's name. Her face slowly turned red with shame when she thought of what she had done and how she had fled from her responsibility in the worst way possible. She wondered what the princess might think of her now, if she was even more enraged and if she had already sent her royal guards after her.
"What's the matter, Sparklight? You don't look very well and why are you staring down into the table? Is anything wrong?"
"No, I'm fine... I just... I just had too much coffee. That's all."

* * *

Several hours later the train arrived at a big, industrial railway station in the middle of nowhere. In the north and south Twilight could admire the high, blue shapes of the mountain range far away and in the east she saw the dark green mass of the enormous forest near Galloping Gorge. But right here, where the train had stopped, was only flatland. She jumped off the platform and started to pick some blackberries from the brushwood nearby the tracks. Twilight realized that she hadn't eaten anything since yesterday and now she was really hungry.

The unicorn was so preoccupied with her blackberries that she didn't notice what was going on in the background... If she had looked up from the brushwood she would have seen that the locomotive was now released from its freight cars and quickly moving along the tracks to the other side of the station while another locomotive was preparing to take its place. The engine driver, a little black pegasus with a pile of glowing embers as her cutie mark, was busy operating the heavy piece of machinery. She carefully monitored the instruments on the back head of the boiler while at the same time trying to look out the window. It was not entirely according to regulations, but she thought that the high competence of her co-workers would guarantee that the tracks were clear and the freight cars carefully secured. Little did she know...

Meanwhile Twilight realised that she had gotten a purple stain from the blackberries on her shirt. She tried to rub it off, but the stain remained.
"Oh no! Not on my favourite shirt!" she said.
It was also her only shirt. In fact the only shirt she had ever owned. Twilight desperately tried to lick away the stain, but she failed since her tongue was also purple from the numerous blackberries. The stain only got worse!

She looked up just in time to see the locomotive bump into the freight cars with a force of several tons. And since she hadn't secured the brakes on any of them, all the cars got pushed into motion! The whole train was now loose.
Twilight could only watch in horror while the heavy freight cars hit a small motor draisine, knocking it off the tracks and then continued right trough a service depot, destroying everything in their path. The air filled with the sound of shattering glass and metal getting torn and twisted.
"No! No no no no no!" she screamed in panic.
This was even worse than the incident during last year's Winter Wrap-up!

Inky Pie and the other railway ponies slowly emerged from the debris. Nopony was hurt, although their manes were ruffled and their clothes covered with dust. The service depot was not a pretty sight, its walls looked like a giant had tried to do origami while drunk, Inky thought. Some of the freight cars were derailed and the draisine was destroyed beyond repair. Its windows were shattered and diesel from its broken engine had formed a big puddle in the dust.
"What the hay happened?" the train conductor asked, scratching his mane underneath his cap. "Why were the brakes not applied?"
Inky Pie stared into the ground and drew a little circle in the dust.
"I... I don't know..."
"Wasn't you the brakepony?"
"No... I mean yes, but I was not on the train. I thought.... the new one would apply the brakes."
"The new one? Where is it?"
"I don't know..." Inky said, anxiously looking around.

And at that time nopony noticed a small, lavender coloured horn bobbing up and down in the blackberry brushwood. It was a rather ashamed Twilight Sparkle, quietly sneaking away from the scene. She constantly pricked herself on the thorns but she kept quiet as didn't want to alert the railway ponies of her escape. It was definitely time for another disguise, she thought. Preferably something less dangerous...

Twilight the wild pony

An astray Twilight Sparkle walked trough the flatland south of the northern woods. The landscape consisted mostly of meadows and streams with clear, cold water from the high, snowy peaks of the Unicorn range. Twilight had invented a new, clever disguise; she had turned her jacket inside out and somehow thought that this would make her look like a totally different pony at a distance. Although she was a very intelligent unicorn, she wasn't exactly a master of disguise like Pinkie Pie. But in theory it was a great plan. If she only hadn't left her spell books at the storage building...

But at least she didn't starve. She could eat the grass, even if it wasn't a favourite dish for a pony used to cupcakes and sandwiches with daisies on them. Twilight had enjoyed a privileged and comfortable life, and now she was walking Equestria's road less lands like a wild pony. She couldn't go to Canterlot, and she couldn't return to Ponyville either. And now she could not even use the bucking Friendship Express! How she missed her balloon...

But suddenly she got an idea. She had red in a book somewhere that before Celestia, and even before Discord, ponies had lived in the wild during the paleo pony period. They didn't have houses or trains or princesses... They just lived of what nature provided. Twilight concluded that if they could make it, so could she... After all, she was a very talented unicorn. And how hard could it be? Not hard at all, she thought!

And thus Twilight decided to become a wild pony, living free and happy in the nature. She found a perfect place for her settlement in the creek of a little stream. Twilight gathered branches and twigs from the trees nearby and started to build something that she called a hut. It looked like a failed bird's nest, but to her it resembled the Canterlot castle. She put the twigs and branches on the ground and tied them together with grass and reeds. Then she made a little bed out of grass and happily placed herself upon it. Here she would sleep and enjoy the beauty of nature, laughing at the city ponies and their ridiculous taste for unnecessary luxury! Ha! Those foals!

After a moment, while enjoying the wonderful beauty of nature, Twilight got bitten by an ant!
"Aoch!" she cried and stomped the annoying little pest flat with her hoof. "Stupid ant! I'm resting on my well built bed..."
Then she got bitten by another ant. And then another... She had placed her bed right upon an anthill!
"Pony tails! Bucking hay!" she cursed and rolled around in the grass to rid herself from the enraged ants.

But the bitten unicorn didn't give up. She decided to take a stand. Twilight started to rub two sticks together to make fire to drive the ants away! After half an hour of intense rubbing she gave up and used her magic to create a burst of flame, much like the ones that from time to time shot out of her mane and tail when she was really enraged.
Twilight poked the anthill in the tall grass with the burning stick, laughing.
"Hahahaha! You think you can bite me and get away with it? You thought you were clever ants? Guess who's clever now!"
Then the flames quickly spread to the grass.
"Oups, I set fire to your little anthill? Well, that's too bad... Hahaha! Now you'll see what it's like to... to have your anthill burned down!"

And then she realized that her hut was located in the tall grass, too. Soon it erupted in flames and the fire grew to an uncontrollable inferno!
"No... no no no!" she said, trotting on the spot in growing panic.
The whole area was now very much on fire and Twilight had to jump into the stream to not get scorched. She swam to the other side and could only watch in horror and shame when the fire spread across the meadow emitting damp, grey smoke and a smell of burnt grass.

In a couple of minutes everything was on fire. Twilight galloped as fast as she could, fleeing from the raging flames. The heat and the smoke filled her eyes with tears and she coughed while she ran across the burning meadow. The wind had created a storm of fire, engulfing everything in its path! Now she was really scared. Her heart pounded fast like a drum.
Then she saw something sweeping down from the sky at high speed. And before she knew it, she was being lifted to safety by a pegasus!

"You can thank me later," the cyan coated pony suggested with a proud look in her golden eyes.
"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you..."
"You're welcome. It is my duty as a hero to perform heroic acts!"
After they had landed safely on the ground, the pegasus decided to stay a little longer to receive even more praise for her heroic actions. It clearly reminded Twilight of Rainbow Dash's uncontrollable narcissism during the infamous Mare Doo Well incident.
"You are truly an amazing pony," Twilight said, for the fifth time.
"Yeah, I know! I'm the best of the best," she bragged.
"Yes, you're very, very talented. Exactly like Rainbow Dash..."
The smile immediately disappeared from the pegasus's face. Her eyes got a harsh look in them that Twilight hadn't seen before.
"What did you say?" she hissed.
"Very talented...?"
"Not that! You mentioned a name. A name that should never be mentioned again in my presence... Is that clear, unicorn?"
The pegasus tried to sound threatening, but her voice failed her. Twilight realized that she was really hurt.
"I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!" Twilight said.
"Do... do... not do that again..." the pony commanded.
"I promise. Please don't be angry at me. You're amazing. You saved my life.. and...."
The pegasus spread her wings and lifted off without saying goodbye. She felt really sorry for her.

Twilight decided to not try to be a wild pony ever again. Her books hadn't mentioned anything about ants and fires and she concluded that nature was very overrated.

A very awkward morning

Twilight woke up in and old, lumpy bed. At first she didn't recollect how she had gotten here since yesterday, but then she remembered how she had found a nice, elderly pony who had let her sleep over in her guestroom. They were at a small trading village somewhere near the city of Tall Tale, south of Vanhoover.
Twilight's body felt stiff and she still carried with her the smell of brunt grass from the wildfire she had caused yesterday. She got up, stretched her legs and hid her dirty, scorched railway uniform under the bed where she hoped nopony would ever look. It was always best to get rid of the evidence.
"Have you slept well, my dear unicorn?" a voice asked.
The voice belonged to Mrs. Purplepony, the old earth pony that lived in this cottage. She put a tray with a cup of coffee on a small table in the room.
"Yes, I slept like a queen," Twilight lied.
"Good. I don't often have visitors here, you see. Do you want to read the morning paper?"

When Twilight looked at the front page she spat out the coffee over the table in sheer chock. The text red:

"RAILWAY DISASTER caused by unknown UNICORN. Yesterday a lavender coated unicorn caused extensive damage to the Equestrian Railway Company's property by failing to correctly apply the brakes on a freight train. The unicorn fled from the scene and is now wanted by the police as a suspect. She is believed to be named Sparklight Twinkle and is not considered dangerous if approached, although caution is advised. Her cutie mark is a star with smaller, white stars around it and her mane is dark blue with a streak of dark pink in the same color as her cutie mark."

On the next page she could also read:

"Huge wildfire north of the Unicorn Range. Nopony was hurt, but it took the weather control pegasi several hours to extinguish the flames. Lightning Dust, a heroic pegasus, spotted the fire and could quickly alert the fire fighting unit to the scene. The fire is believed to have been caused by arson or neglect. The police are encouraging the public to provide clues that might lead to the conclusion of the case. Also a lavender coated unicorn in a railway uniform was spotted in the vicinity of the fire."

"Is there anything wrong?" Mrs. Purplepony asked while mopping up the spilled coffee from the table with a napkin.
"Uh... um... No, I just... I'm just allergic to coffee."
"Oh, dear. I didn't know. May I have a look at the news? I haven't red them yet, you see."
Twilight reluctantly dropped the paper in front of her. With a shaking hoof, Mrs. Purplepony put on her reading glasses.
"Now... let's see here..."
Twilight felt her pulse beat faster. She started to fiddle with the empty cup, filled it with new coffee but then she suddenly remembered that she was supposed to be allergic to coffee and she quickly put it down on the table. Mrs. Purplepony lowered her newspaper.

"But please, if you're allergic to coffee you don't have to drink it, dear. I can make you a cup of tea instead. Or a glass of milk? Maybe some apple cider?"
"My cutie mark is a banana!" Twilight said out of the blue, just to conceal the fact that her appearance perfectly matched the description of her in the paper. It was always a good idea to counter any suspicions before they arose, she thought.
"Oh, how nice for you... Have you red about the terrible railway accident?" the old pony asked.
"No... I mean yes... Maybe a little..."
"How dreadful. I'm so glad that nopony was hurt. They say that somepony forgot to apply the brakes... Awful things. I have always said that trains are too dangerous for ponies. Can you imagine? The Friendship Express crashing into a building at full speed with explosions and fires! Oh my! What a disaster!"
"Yes, a terrible thing..." said Twilight, while discretely reaching for a yellow piece of paper nearby.
"Can you imagine? I always said that ponies should travel by hoof instead of train. It's not natural for horses to experience such high speeds. The intestines might get displaced by the sudden..."

"Achoo!" said Twilight while trying to rip the paper in into the shape of a banana.
It didn't really work as she had expected since the piece of paper didn't look like anything but a... torn piece of paper.
"Celestia bless you."
"Thank you..."
"Achoo!"
She ripped it again, and this time it resembled a banana more closely, she thought.
"...the sudden movement of the train. It is so dreadful! And what about the foals? Young foals might be harmed from riding the train, because of their not yet fully grown legs. No, trains are bad for ponies. My old uncle always said that..."

With a little glow from her horn, Twilight magically pulled a small roll of tape to her and attached the banana shaped piece of paper over her cutie mark. It concealed the star a bit and she hoped that Mrs. Purplepony's bad eyesight would do the rest.
"Thank you for your hospitality, Mrs. Purplepony, but now I have to continue on my journey," said Twilight and rose from the table as soon as the old pony had removed her glasses.
"But please stay a little longer, Lightspark Twinkle! I've made a poem that I must read! It only takes a second..."
"Oh, well, I suppose I could stay for a little longer..."
"How wonderful! I've placed it somewhere... Have you seen a yellow piece of paper?"
"No... I haven't seen anything like that. He he, absolutely no piece of paper in sight."
"I'll just put on my glasses..." Mrs. purplepony said.

In a comic book about The Amazing Superpony Twilight had red that the aforementioned hero had in the last time managed to preserve his secret identity by blowing his breath on the glasses of a pony just about to discover him without his mask on. The condensation would make it impossible to see trough the glasses, she thought. Surely this ingenious idea would save her too! Mrs Purplepony must not discover that she wore her poem as a fake banana!
And Twilight blew her breath on Mrs. Purplepony's glasses!
"Pffff!!"
"What are you doing?"
"Pffffff! Pfffffff!"
"Please, stop it!"
"Pfffff!"
"Stop it! And what is that on your flank...? Oh no! Not my poem!"
She snatched the torn piece of paper from Twilight's flank and immediately discovered her true cutie mark!
"You're that awful pony from the newspaper!"

Twilight leapt from the table and ran! She galloped for the door but Mrs. Purplepony threw herself in her way, grabbing the unicorn's hind leg. Both ponies rolled around on the carpet, wrestling and cursing.
"Ponytails!"
"Bucking hay!"
Twilight kicked the door open and the fight continued into the garden. Mrs Purplepony pushed Twilight into the her plastic garden table, taking the waxed cloth with her in her fall. The unicorn threw a hoof full of clay pebbles in her face.
"Take that, you... you... poem writhing, paper reading..."
Then Mrs. Purplepony forcefully pulled away the artificial grass carpet, making Twilight fall over! She threw herself at her and tried to knock her out with a blow from a plastic flowerpot. The unicorn barely noticed the harmless weapon while furiously hitting Mrs. Purplepony with a cushion from the swing seat.
"Stop it!" the old pony shouted and pushed the flowerpot over Twilight's head, blocking her view!
The lavender unicorn got up on her hooves and tried to run away but in her blinded state she ran straight into the plastic greenhouse, shattering its brittle walls and diving headfirst into the flowerbed!
She threw away the plastic pot from her head and grabbed a tomato plant.
"Give up, or I'll destroy your precious tomatoes!" Twilight screamed in anger.
"Nooo!"
"To late!" she said and threw the plant in Mrs. Purplepony's head in a rain of earth and dirt.
"You bad pony! Eat this!" the old pony shouted and wrested Twilight down, shoving the tomato in her face.
With a forceful "Mmmbbbff!" Twilight spat the mashed vegetable all over Mrs Purplepony's mane.

Although Mrs. Purplepony was old, she was surprisingly quick for her age. But she couldn't do magic.
With a powerful spell, Twilight teleported herself into the air and jumped like a panther on her adversary. In a move worthy of a true wrestlingpony she slammed Mrs. Purplepony to the ground!
"I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, Mrs. Purplepony!" she said and ran off.

The smart one

Twilight Sparkle ran for her life. The raging mob of ponies chasing her had deduced that she was the one responsible for the terrifying wave of arson, terrorism and destruction of poetry that had befallen their fair lands lately. They were not entirely wrong...
"Please don't hurt me!" she cried, looking over her shoulder. "I didn't mean to destroy the railway depot, set fire to the meadows and rip apart Mrs. Purplepony's poem!"
But they didn't listen. The pastel coloured posse was busy brandishing their pitchforks and torches, eager to bring her to justice. Or, rather, their own kind of justice. She felt like she was the main character in the old book "Frankenpony's monster", one of her favourite tales that she used to keep at her bed stand. How sad, and ironic, that she would meet the same demise*...

The lavender unicorn jumped over a fence and dove into a small garden pond. She tried to hide herself like a crocodile among the aquatic flora, hoping that the pursuing ponies somehow wouldn't find her. The water was cold and the bottom of the pond felt muddy and foul. Twilight took a deep breath and submerged.
When she stood there, crouching on the bottom of the pond, thoughts rushed trough Twilight's mind. A strange, old song appeared in her thoughts... Call upon the sea ponies when you're in distress... Helpful as can be ponies - simply signal SOS... The very idea of sea ponies seemed preposterous to her at first.. But she knew that they were clearly possible. She had never seen one, but she had heard a rumour that they might exist. Old fossils of long dead generations of ponykind had been discovered, often strange and different from the present forms of pony. Maybe sea ponies belonged among these?
Twilight slowly surfaced and took another deep breath. Her eyes were beginning to get sour from the contact with water and she really didn't want to spend another minute in the pond.

She tried to get back under the surface again, but she just couldn't do it. Twilight decided to keep half of her head just above the waterline. She looked around and saw no traces of the angry mob, but she could still hear their voices at a distance. She blew little bubbles from her snout.
Very carefully Twilight rose from the pond and crawled up onto the grass. She shook the water from her body like a dog and wiped the mud from her hooves. She had managed to throw them off her track!

But now she had to get to safety before the angry ponies returned. Quietly Twilight sneaked away into the bushes nearby, climbed over another fence and jumped down on the other side where she found an empty barrel. She reluctantly crawled into it.
"Barrels... I don't trust barrels," she whispered to herself for some reason she didn't fully understand. Maybe it was the tension from being constantly on the run that was slowly driving her mad? She didn't know.

After a while Twilight got an idea. A brilliant idea! She turned the barrel upside down and wore it as a disguise. Slowly she crawled away, step by step with only her hooves visible beneath the barrel when she moved. Twilight had removed the tap from the barrel, creating a hole so she could see.
An hour later she had reached the outskirts of the village without being discovered. Whenever ponies watched she stopped, just to continue while they were looking away... She could make it! Every step brought her closer to safety....

But something wasn't right... She had an eerie feeling that she somehow had forgotten an important part of her plan. This escape was just too easy... Twilight stopped and slowly turned the barrel around, rotating her view. When she had turned half a circle her view from inside the barrel was blocked by a big, blue pony head! Oh no! The curious ponies had followed her from behind all the time!
They grabbed the barrel and flipped it over, putting the unicorn upside down, trapped in the barrel with her hooves flailing in the air. She resembled a helpless turtle or a beetle on its back.
"Get the tar and feathers!"
"Throw her in jail!"
"Stop this instant!"
And there was a sudden silence.

When Twilight crawled out of her barrel she saw that a pony with a bowtie and glasses had appeared. And the whole mob was staring at that pony. She was about the same age as Rainbow Dash, but she was an earth pony with a light greenish coat and an dark orange mane with streaks of red. On her back she carried a bag filled with books.
"It's the smart one!" a white pegasus said.
"The smart one always know what's to do."
"Yes, she has been to the university! She has a bachelor's degree in archaeology!"
The educated pony looked very proud when they mentioned her degree. She trotted past Twilight and turned the barrel upside down. Then she climbed it, using it as a pedestal for the great speech she had prepared.
All the ponies stared at her in silent anticipation.
"Villagers! Hear my advise!" she said with a dramatic gesture. "Don't allow yourselves to sink to the level of a raging mob! This pony might be guilty, but until she has been tried by a court we must keep in mind the possibility that she might be innocent. We must hand her over to a professional court, maybe the highest court in Canterlot where the legal authorities can try her case! It would be great injustice to punish her before a trial. What would princess Celestia think of our village if we did something like that? She would think that we were unjust. Please do not take revenge on her!"
At first nopony said a word. They just stared at her, showing no sign of what they thought. The silence was so intense that Twilight could hear a sparrow singing in the background. The wind played with the smart one's mane. A little filly sneezed.
"Pfff!"
A blue unicorn slowly scratched her ear.
"So... You're suggesting that we don't roll her in tar and feathers...?" she inquired.
"Yes, that is correct..."
"Buuu! Get the smart one!"
"Throw her in jail!"
"Punish the stupid science geek!"
And the pony posse threw her down from the pedestal and hauled her away, most likely in the direction of the local jail. Soon they were gone, leaving a dropped bag and some torn apart books on the ground.

Twilight could only watch the idiocy with her jaw dropped. This was highly unusual, she thought. But at least they seemed to have forgotten all about her. Maybe she should stay and help the poor pony? Maybe she should do something... But Twilight choose a different option. Quietly she sneaked away. This was not her proudest moment.

Author's Note

* If she had taken the time to finish her book, she would have known that the aforementioned character didn't die at all, and neither would Twilight.

A warm welcome

Two weeks had passed since Twilight's disappearance and the lavender unicorn had managed to hide from princess Celestia virtually undetected, she thought. Now the princess would have cooled off and maybe even forgotten all about the very important book that Twilight had damaged. And maybe, just maybe, she had missed Twilight so much that she would give her a warm welcome when she arrived... That was so heart warming, Twilight thought. Celestia might say "Oh, dear Twilight! How I missed you, my faithful student. I've been so worried! I'm so glad that you're safe! O, Twilight, when you were gone I realized how important you are to me and how foolish it was to ever be angry at you! Please can you forgive me?". And then Twilight would run to her and she would say "Dear Princess Celestia, off course I forgive you!" and the princess would give Twilight a big hug and tell her how much she loved her and Twilight would be so happy that her heart would almost burst with joy! And all about the dusty old book would be forgotten, she thought. Twilight smiled a happy smile when she stepped down from the train car that just had brought her back to Canterlot. How wonderful it would be!

The lavender unicorn trotted trough the streets of Equestria's capital and looked for posters with her picture on them, maybe even with a message from Celestia telling everypony how much she missed Twilight and how important she was to her. But there were no posters, except for one about "The Great and Powerful Trixie's Magic Show next Thursday!".

When she trotted trough the old castle's gate the guards barely looked at her. Maybe they were new recruits and they didn't know who she was? That would most likely be the case, Twilight thought.
"Hello!" she said with a smile.
One of them responded with a short nod. The other just ignored her.

Twilight continued trough the corridors and soon she had reached the big, ornamented doors to the princess's throne room. She begun to feel a little nervous now. Twilight's heart started to pound a little and her legs became shaky. The unicorn had to sit down on the carpet and take a deep breath. Then, slowly, she opened the doors and snuck into the magnificent throne room of Celestia.

At the end of the great hall she could see the princess herself, but her back was turned towards her. Celestia, tall and majestic, seemed to stare into an elaborate glass window. Twilight felt a hard lump in her throat and suddenly all of her previous euphoria had left her. This was not the welcome she had hoped for.
"Um... princess Celestia?" she asked.
"Twilight Sparkle."
"I... I'm so sorry... I tried to... I meant to... to..."
Celestia turned towards her and looked directly at the poor unicorn. Twilight quivered and she felt like she wanted to disappear into the carpet, shrink to the size of a little ant and hide among the cracks in the wall.
"I'm so sorry that I'm late... I tried to reach you earlier, but... but I couldn't... because... I..."
"Couldn't or wouldn't?"
"I really wanted to... to get here and... meet you... but I was unable because I... I missed the train! Because I wasn't on it! That's it!"
"That, Twilight, is the very definition of missing the train."
"Yes, yes off course! Silly me... I just... he he... Off course it is."
"Then you expect me to believe that you missed every single train to Canterlot from Ponyville Station every day, fifteen days in a row? That is seventy three trains, Twilight."
"I... I was scared..."
"And did you have any reason to be scared, my faithful student?"
"No, off course not... I mean yes... No! I mean no! I don't know, because... I don't know what you are referring to... what you might have heard?"
The princess started to slowly walk towards Twilight, her gaze pinning her to the floor. The little unicorn cowered and involuntarily turned her ears back. There was no smile on Celestia's face. Not even a trace of a smile. Twilight tried to make herself smaller, pressing her hooves into the red carpet.
"Do you take me for a fool, Twilight Sparkle?" the princess asked.
"No, off cour..."
"BE SILENT!" Celestia shouted with a voice similar to princess Luna's when she was angry. All lights had suddenly went out, leaving only shadow and darkness in the great hall. "I'm very disappointed by your outrageous behaviour! I know everything you've done in these two weeks!"
"Oh no! You have red my thoughts!"
"No! But do I read the newspaper like everypony else, and I'm not entirely stupid... Sabotage, lies, terrorism, arson and even attacking an elderly mare! I'm very disappointed, Twilight... No, I'm shocked! This behaviour is beyond belief!"

Twilight crawled backwards on the carpet, almost stumbling over her own tail. She was so ashamed... How she wished she could just run away. Just turn around and flee... She would not stop until she reached the farthest shore of the Equestrian coast and then she would jump into the water and swim across the ocean, just to get away forever. What to do? What to do?! And what would Celestia do to her? Think Twilight, think!
Suddenly the unicorn got a small glimmer of desperate hope in her eyes!

"HA HA HA! Poor innocent Twilight will take all the blame, while I, a changeling who is not in any way related to Twilight, will get away with my evil plan! Ha ha!" she said with a voice that sounded like a really bad impersonation of a pirate.
With a dramatic gesture Twilight galloped across the hall, jumped up on a table and grabbed a silver candelabrum.
"Arrr! This be my plunder! Now back to queen Chrysalis's cave! Harr harr!"
"Twilight Sparkle! What are you doing?!"
"Ha ha! Yarr!"
Twilight leapt from the table and started to run around with the candelabrum in her snout, dropping big stains of the still warm candle-grease on the carpet.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE! STOP AT ONCE!"
"I'm not Twilight Sparkle! I'm a totally different pony!" she screamed in desperation, almost starting to cry.

Twilight ran for the door, but Celestia slammed it shut with a spark of magic from her horn. The exit was blocked!
"This is ridiculous, calm down Twilight! Put that back!"
The unicorn dropped the candelabrum on the marble floor beside the carpet with a clanging sound. She tried to run in a different direction, but Celestia firmly put her hoof on her tail in a swift move that completely caught her off guard. Twilight wouldn't move anywhere.
"You thought it would take magic to stop you?" the princess asked with a smile. "Now, please clam down, Twilight. I will not banish you or put you in magic kindergarten. But I do want you to write me a friendship report on this insane adventure of yours..."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you so much princess Celestia! Does this mean that you forgive me for all the things I've done?" Twilight asked, with a sigh of relief.
"Yes, my faithful student. With all my heart," Celestia said in her warmest voice.
"Even for what happened to your book?"
"What? What book...?"

"Oh buck."

THE END