Good News, Everypony!
A Fan Fiction
By Princess Motherfukin’ Luna
Special Thanks to all my PonySquare bros who offered suggestions!
"But Twilight," a cautious voice rang out over the noontime sun, "Isn't this kinda dangerous? D-do you even know what will happen?"
The purple pony raised her head and dismissed the magical purple glow that surrounded her horn. "Spike, I've told you this ten times already. If the preservation spell works on fruit," she gestured to the pile of perfectly preserved ten-day-old apples in the corner of her library, "it's just fine to use on you. Now, if everything goes right you'll just fine in about sixteen minutes and forty seconds.”
"Why the weird number?"
"The spell works best with multiples of a thousand, and that's about a thousand seconds. Now, are we going to do this, or what?"
"Fine. I just thought that..."
A loud magical zap cut his protest short.
"Spike? Spiiike?" Twilight hollered as she tapped Spike's frozen body, still a little out of breath from the spell. Spike responded with nothing but a hollow tapping sound. The unicorn let out an exhausted sigh. The spell had taken more out of her than she had expected. "Solid as a rock. Well, he's not going anywhere. Time to catch up on my reading....”
Twenty minutes later, the lavender unicorn began to worry. Her assistant's body still hadn't moved an inch. His mouth was open wide, still stuck in mid-sentence. She tapped his unblinking eyeball to no avail, and began frantically flipping through her spellbooks for a remedy. After throwing her library into a disarray matched only by the wildest of Pinkie Pie’s parties, she found a scrap of paper from the preservation spell. It read, Warning: Not for use on ponies or other living beings. Failure to heed these warnings may result in magical misfire and/or potentially permanent preservation!
“I have really got to read these things more thoroughly. No wonder it took so much out of me.” Twilight told herself, planting her hoof on her face. Then, as the realization set in, “Oh no! SPIKE!”
The lavender pony threw open the library doors and scrambled about town, breathlessly gathering her friends. The growing group exchanged confused looks, which was understandable considering the best explanation that she offered any of them was a panicked, “Spike! Stuck! HELP!”
By the time the six ponies had gathered at the library around the immobilized dragon, Twilight had calmed down enough to provide the most coherent explanation she could muster.
"Outta my way, I'll get him out!" yelled a sky blue pegasus. She pushed her way through the group and out the door. Lifting herself into the air outside the library, she flew straight toward Spike, striking him head-on. Unfortunately, all that accomplished was a rainbow colored streak through the library followed by one dazed pony sitting on the floor, steadying her head with a hoof.
Next, an orange, hat-wearing pony nudged her way towards the purple popsicle. “Don’t you worry now, Twilight. We done defeated that right nasty Nightmare Moon, we can certainly free your little friend here.” Sadly, even her strongest apple-bucking kick did little more than rattle the foundation of the library a bit.
Each pony took their turn in attempting to free Spike from his magical stasis, but none were successful. From asking nicely to cheerful encouragement, nothing worked. There was even talk of a “Spike-warming” party that never materialized.
“Come on, AJ! Let me at him again!” the feisty peagsus from before cried, having regained her senses.
“Dangit, Dash! Y’all already tried it once, and it ain’t gonna work again”, replied Applejack, blocking her competitive friend’s path.
Before everypony said their goodbyes and gave their condolences to the distraught unicorn,
“Ooh! Look! The little lizard thing's moving!”
“Good news, everypony! The spell was a complete success!” A nearby door flew open to allow an purple unicorn wearing a lab coat to walk through, her face and body wrinkled with age.
“Twi-Twilight?” the dragon mumbled, brushing the sleep from his eyes, “Is that you?”
“Awww. Poor thing's still tired.” A white hoof reached out to grab him, but Spike soon found himself violently levitated into the air by the purple pony.
“No! Don't touch him! He could have some kind of horrible disease!” the unicorn barked, bringing him closer to her face. I have to isolate him until we know he's safe!”
The shock forced Spike back to his senses, forcing a more thorough appraisal of his situation. He was in a familiar room. It was Twilight's library all right, but it seemed bigger; much bigger, in fact. This new pony looked remarkably like his own purple unicorn, but this one was clearly different. For one thing, it was wearing clothes and much older than the one he knew. What could have happened during those seventeen minutes? At least, he hoped it was still seventeen minutes.
The clothed pony levitated Spike down the hall, following close behind. Soon, the young dragon found himself being set down on a cold metal examination table. He shivered as the lavender unicorn started punching buttons on a nearby terminal with her hooves. He glanced around the room. The walls were white, largely undecorated except for the large grey box jutting from the wall and covered in candy-colored buttons, ripe for punching.
“Wh- what's going on? Where's Twilight? What happened? Who are you?” Spike asked, growing increasingly panicked with each question.
“All your questions will be answered in time, but I have a few of my own to ax first.” the lab coat-wearing pony replied. “First of all, how long were you in that little trance of yours?”
“Trance? What trance? Last thing I remember, Twilight wanted to test this spell on me, and then...I was here. That's about it, I guess. Sorry I can't be more helpful.”
“Interesting, but it still doesn't answer my question. Let's see if I can get something out of you this way.” The purple pony advanced on her test subject, horn extended and glowing just above a purposeful, almost reckless, expression. Spike read this expression and was understandably scared, backing away as best he could without falling off the frigid metal examination table. Just then, both parties became aware of a few aged, forgotten letters from Princess Celestia making themselves known by launching from the small dragon's mouth directly into that of his captor.
The lavender unicorn spat the lot onto the table, unrolled one and started reading it. She soon discarded it, looking Spike in the eye and asking, “Is this true? You were a student of the great Princess Celestia about...a thousand years ago?”
“No. See, I was the assistant of one of Celestia's students. Now, if you could...”
“Oh my! I'm sorry I was so rude! Please let me introduce myself. My name is Professor Sparklesworth. If you like, I'll contact the princess right away.”
“No! I'm not a student of the princess! I'm a student's assistant; or at least I was.” A tear bubbled to the dragon's eye as he realized he would never see his friends again. “Twilight, and Rarity, and everyone else! They're all gone!”
“There, there. Just because everyone you ever knew is dead, is no reason to be down! Now, I hear dragons like gemstones, is that right?” said the professor, trying to be comforting but clearly failing.
“Y-yeah.” Spike replied, clearly not in a mood to talk.
“Well, take these and try to collect yourself.” the unicorn sighed as she pulled a sizable dish of semiprecious stones and a box of tissues from a compartment in the wall, then turned to leave. She threw her hooves angrily in the air and began ranting, her aged voice tinged with more than a little dementia. “Turns out there’s a lot of paperwork for when you reanimate a previously preserved fully intelligent being. Why couldn’t you have been a dog or something? They’re cute and there’s no dang paperwork!” The dragon lost interest in the rant as it left the room and dragged its speaker down the hall, preferring to drown his sorrows in fistfuls of emeralds and rubies.
Spike had barely begun stuffing his cheeks with gemstones when Sparklesworth poked her head back into the room.
Apologetically, she said, “Uh...turns out we can’t really have you here until this paperwork clears. I’d suggest you go talk to the princess, see if you can’t get this paperwork pushed through. Maybe learn a thing or two.” Before he could react, Spike found himself ushered out the door--past a grey, wall-eyed mare claiming to be an owl exterminator--and pointed to an entrance to the pneumatic transport system. Spike walked in the indicated direction, towards the clear tube that seemed to connect to the ground on one end and stretch forever in the other. Still clutching his bowl of semiprecious stones, a teary-eyed Spike wandered into the opening in the clear tube. Before he could open his mouth to inquire to nopony in particular about its operation, the purple dragon felt himself jerked upward into the tube with a quiet hiss of air. Spike, quickly regaining his senses, saw the ultramodern future of Ponyville filled with billboards for Luna’s Friendly Robot Company flash before him as he was whisked away towards Canterlot.
Soon enough, the purple dragon was deposited a block away from his destination. It was no small matter to walk the distance, but Spike appreciated the opportunity to clear his head and choke back his tears.
Spike easily navigated the tarnished promise of future splendor that Canterlot had become and talked his way into an audience with Celestia, her visage untarnished by another thousand years. As soon as he entered the room, the disembodied Alicorn greeted him warmly from the liquid-filled jar containing her head. “Ah, Spike. I haven’t thought of you since Twilight...” She cut herself short when she saw tears returning to the dragon’s face, both at the memory of his own teacher and at the shock of seeing the head- and only the head- of the princess. Clearing her throat, the princess continued, “Anyways, what brings you here?”
Spike wiped his eyes and sighed, “It’s a long story. Look, Sparklesworth sent me here to get some paperwork pushed through. Can you help me out with that?”
The princess, thinking to herself at first muttered, “Sparklesworth...Sparkesworth...oh! Sure thing. Nopony better than Twilight’s great great great great...”
“Ahem.”
“Oh! Sorry. Great grandnephew. I’ll be sure to push your work right through. Go ahead back to wherever you came from.” Spike nodded and set on his way, silently wondering where his bowl of gems disappeared to--maybe the same place Celestia’s body went.
His mission completed, the young dragon soon found himself whisked back through the series of tubes and deposited outside the large tree he that he first woke up in, which he could now see was labeled, “EQUESTRIA EXPRESS”. He entered the tree, and began looking through doorways for...what was her name? Professor something-or-other? Anyway, his search for the familiar purple unicorn proved both fruitless and gemless. With his stomach threatening a revolt, he considered seeking out some other form of sustenance. Maybe some of those trash muffins. Those sounded good.
The unmistakable sound of barked orders echoed down the hall. Figuring it the best option, Spike followed the noise to the same large, open room he had awoken in to find six or so ponies running around. They were loading things onto a dark blue pegasus whose black mane was dotted with spots of white, and who was already carrying a large pile of boxes and packages. Each package was clearly emblazoned with the same logo, a proud-looking Pegasus pony flying through a hollow circle. That circle was labeled, in the boldest lettering available on a limited budget, “Equestria Express”.
“Why do I have to carry the deliveries, again? Is this because I moved that raincloud over our fundraiser bake sale?”
“No, we’re still coming up with a punishment for that. This is because the ship’s being repaired because somepony,” The clearly aged unicorn threw a nasty glare at one of the ponies obliviously hopping around, a pink, puffy tail trailing behind her. “trashed it during a party and these deliveries need to be made today. Now...” still dressed in her lab coat, the unicorn professor paused her lecture to look at the dragon who was going through the fridge and noisily shoveling things–food or not--into his mouth. “...take this...thing with you. Let him get used to his new life. Plus, I’m kinda tired of him being here.”
“Fine. I guess one more thing won’t hur--OOF!” the dark blue pegasus grunted as the dragon was unceremoniously dropped onto her back, still clutching some soured milk from the back of the refrigerator.
“So, you got a name, kid?” the pegasus asked as the professor conjured a bubble around the pair. An orange pony with a single large eye and a purple mane, pulled back into a ponytail, geared up for a kick as she stood behind the pegasus.
“M-my name’s Spike. You remind me of someone.”
“Oh yeah? Well, I bet they can’t clear the sky in--”
“Ten seconds flat? Yeah.” Spike interrupted. He was getting the hang of this whole ‘future doppelganger’ thing and beginning to calm himself down.
“Well, I bet she can’t--”
Not wishing to be further reminded of the loss of his friends, the dragon interrupted once more, “Can we just go? I promise I’ll tell you all about Dash later.”
“Fine. It’s not like I cared or anything.” The dark blue pony kicked at the ground as the roof of the library opened up. “You might want to hold on to something.” she warned, her wings spreading in preparation for the orange pony’s powerful kick.
“Why would I do thaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Spike screamed as his hands formed a death grip around a particularly sturdy-looking fistful of hair.
As they broke free of Equestrian gravity, the pegasus cruised at a comfortable pace, and restarted her line of questioning. “So, you said this other pony’s name was Dash?”
“Y-yeah?” the purple dragon replied, still a little shaken from the sudden takeoff.
“How weird! That’s my name too! Name’s Galaxy Dash. If I remember right, the professor told me that you’re from where, again? Cyber-Fillydelphia?” the pony asked, rubbing the deep hoofprints that had been pressed into her flank.
“I’m from Ponyville...a thousand years ago.” A tear returned to his eye.
“Whoa...so, this other pony...she’s from your time? And she was like me?”
“A little too much, actually. Like almost exactly. It’s just that she had a lighter coat and rainbow colored hair.” Spike recalled as he took a drink from his curdled milk and a bite from the carton.
“You probably have some questions of your own, so let me bring you up to speed. We, meaning the professor, myself, and some others you’ll meet later, make up the Equestria Express delivery company in New Ponyville. If you’re feeling up to it, we’re coming up on our first delivery. Do you want to come with?”
“I’d like that. Thanks.” The dragon smiled for the first time since arriving in the future.
“Nice jacket, by the way.”
After a particularly rough landing which made Spike grateful for his fireproof hide and Dash her apparently equally fireproof magic shield, the newly disheveled pony grabbed a package off her back and started trotting towards their destination. Spike helped himself off her back and walked alongside the navy blue pony.
As they walked alongside each other, the dragon took stock of the scenery on the planet. It seemed suitably alien: Swirly red and purple sky, five suns, and, of course, Equestria-like gravity and atmospheric pressure. Shortly they arrived at a nearby city, and Dash explained that the colony was founded by Equestrian astroponies during the early days of space travel. Following the delivery of a rather large box full of smaller boxes to a delighted Earth pony (Space pony?), the duo was set to go.
Spreading her wings again, Galaxy asked, “Ready? Hop on.”
Spike obliged, only to ask, “Wait, don’t you need a kick or something to get into space?”
“What? Oh. That. That’s just part of the punishment for that bake sale incident. Probably.” Dash replied, rubbing the marks still embedded on either side of her tail as she took off.
“Good news everypony! I--”
“Give it a rest, Professor!” cried a white unicorn who was wearing a pink track suit and admiring her hooves. She continued, “Just because you developed a catchphrase doesn’t mean you have to use it all the dang time!”
“Sorry. I thought you all might want to know that, well, we processed the paperwork for that little dragon, and...I found something.”
“Well, get on with it!” a metallic blue pony replied. Her pointed hat slid to one side as she extinguished her cigar on the table. “Whatever it is, it can’t be any better than the Great and Powerful Bender.”
“Quiet down, the lot of you!” the geriatric unicorn snapped, taking command of the conversation once more. “Our resident bureaucrat here has something to say.” She stepped aside, making way for a zebra whose mane was pulled into dreadlocks. Pushing her glasses up onto her face with a striped hoof, she began to speak:
“Faster than a green snake in a sugarcane field
I have made these papers yield.
One thing that you must know
The dragon has more than he does show.”
TO BE CONTINUED!
