chapter one
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Depry Hooves Files: Romance and Murder

chapter one

"Okay Mrs. Hooves can you explain to us what it is that you did exactly"
"Muffin?"
"Yes about the "muffins", what did you do to the people?"
"Muffins."
"If you don't tell us soon we are going to have to send you to jail, and until you tell us about these "Muffins" of yours, you will be held here for a longer time than necessary. So please explain to us what happened."
"Muffins!"
"Get the girl a got damn muffin, see if she'll talk then,"

A muffin was brought in, it was not just any muffin, it was a brown sugar muffin.

"Okay, you have your muffin, now explain to us what it is that you did."

Derpy just poked the muffin, and said, "Is the muffin, alive?"

In confusion of the question, he replied,"What?!"

she repeated "Is this Muffin alive?"

"No, it is not."

"Did you kill it?"

"No, it was just baked," he was starting to assume about the mare before him.

Derpy threw the muffin at the investigator, "You killed the muffin. MURDERERS!!!"
The investigator was even more baffled, he continued to talk to the men behind the glass, "Can we run a blood test on her, she may be on drugs?"

Sure enough, they did; the test came back negative, but with the more tests they ran found that she had a large amount of Potassium, Iron and Fiber inside of her.

"Sir it appears that she has a lot of unnecessary materials in her body. Should we be worried?"

"No, just let her be for now. We will get more test run and inspect her body for entry wounds."
The scientist just nodded and left the room through a sliding door.

"Miss. Hooves could you please explain to us what it is that you did?"

"Would you like the whole day or just the part when ,-um, i forgot the name of the word," She said this with a silly smile on her face.

"The word you are looking for Miss. Hooves, is murder or homicide, and we would like to have the whole story, if you will."

"Muffin."

"If you do this we will get you muffins, never be born, never be killed, and never having any aspect of life. Is that okay with you?"

"OKKI DOKI, all you had to do was ask nicely."
The young stallion facehoofed his soft face, marking his forehead with a red mark, and causing it to throb.

Derpy giggled, "You’re silly and cute."

"Thank you, but please, lets stay on the topic, for the time being," He replied in a soft voice, slightly blushing at her remark.
"OK Mr. Red Cheeks." Giggling and starting to blush herself.

"Shall you begin your story?" He was now in a full barrage of red.

"yes, Mr. John, lets see..." She starts explaining as if everything was just happening.

Derpy popped out of her soft fluffy bed; hesitant to this action, she tumbled to the floor. *THUMP*. Determined to complete her first task of the day she, inched her self across the room, racing a small snail; sadly losing. she continued to inch her way over to Dinky's room. Dinky often left her room door open and rarely closed it.

Derpy saw so many opportunities and things she could perform on her small filly. She decide to go a little old school on the child. Derpy started to hum the theme from the old classic movie, "Jaws". Nothing else seemed to fit in to her situation, being on the floor and tired, didn't really give that many choices. She started to hum the music slowly, getting faster as she approached her prey. She was now going a little faster, halfway to her target. Now in full speed, she made the sharp sounds and then struck.

She hit the lights.

"Mom, why did you do that? it is not cool," Dinky whined with a frown on her face.

"Sorry, i just didn't care to wake you the ‘boring’ way, it is almost time for school you should get ready." Derpy started to the door, being beaten by her little filly.

"I am already ready, I'll see you after school, bye," Dinky kissed Derpy’s forehead and walked out of the door.

"oh and mom, stay out of trouble, You remember what happened last time," She shot a serious smile at Derpy.

Derpy just salute her little bundle of joy and inched to the stairs.

"We'll I guess wings were made for a reason." she giggled at her remark and proceeded to tumble down the stairs, laughing harder with each step. Back to the plan, make coffee, get the muffin mix ready, and take a bath; off days weren't her thing, at all!

Derpy did as she had planed and derped up the coffee, "Well i guess that wasn't what was supposed to work, too bad. Time for the muffins!" This day was banana day; every tuesday was. She grabbed her recipe: flour, banana, water. Derpy had a shit ton of flour and a set of bananas, the water was as simple, as the recipe. Inspecting the card for more information on baking them, she found a new ingredients; special thing from Rainbow Dash. She just shrugged and went to the door.

Convenient enough, Rainbow was just outside the door, and was with the pink, party, earth pony.

"Hey Derpy, I think you need this." Dash handed the bag over to Derpy, smiling wider than usual.

"Thanks Dash, you're so nice," She hugged Rainbow Dash hesitantly; then shut the door, leaving to prepare the muffins, just like always.

Derpy went to her couch and waited for the muffins to finish. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. *DING.* The muffins were done, and Derpy shot into the kitchen. "Gloves, no, screw the gloves." She reached into the oven bare hoofed; Burning herself severely. What was Dinky so worried about all of the time, she was a stable pony and member of society.

In-hailing the muffins scent, she got all into the muffins too much; Stroking them , calling them her precious muffins. Getting even more into them and their succulent tops, getting ready to be popped on out. Dinky has hidden all of the knifes and forks, Derpy was forced to use a spoon. She fought with the tray and muffins, trying to separate the two. The spoon snapped, and was now flat. Derpy was pleased at the new creation she has made. She scrapped the muffin out of the tray, It was perfect. An alarm went off, it was 9:00. Bath time for this gray pegasus.

Derpy stormed up the steps on her gray hoofs, grabbed a towel and some muffins from the counter. She was all set to get down to business. Derpy flopped into the 3 feet deep tube. Hitting her head on the slick nylon. She forgot the water, again.

"Hehe, derp!"

Starting the water, she indulged in the wonder of her big, shiny, soap box. She selected her favorite color and smell; gray, and muffins sented. The water was almost at the dreaded, half way point, time was running out. She slipped the gray, perfect scented soap back into her box, slamming it hard; Leaving a dent in the soap’s top layer. Only two minutes left. Not enough time was left to get it. She would have to go this round in the tub without it.

"Sorry, I can't get you in time, I'll use you another day." She said with her eyes watering.

A small water drop ran down its long, ruff, yellow mane. Derpy began to cry as well, but her tears littered the floor; The luffa just sucked it up and kept the cycle going. Derpy just waved slowly as she peeked her head back into the enclosure. Shutting the door, sucking up all of her tears and stopping the water from overflowing. It was time to get clean.

Derpy flopped into the tub as she always did, spilling water all over the floor, and covering her body with clear soapy liquid. Oh god, the soap, it was at the end of the tub. It was what she had feared most. Dinky left the soap in the wrong place; not that there really was a right place, it was simpler the way she liked it. Time to struggle Derpy thought herself, getting ready for the oncoming fight ahead. As it turned out her soap was on the other side of the tub, to the right. She then started to wash all of her upper body. It took her a good five minutes to get all of the dirt off of her.

It was now time to clean the lower half of her body; starting with her legs. She poked one leg out of the water and started to run the soap along get slim gray limb. Continuing to lift her other leg out and doing the same. Now the only thing that was left to clean was-

"Excuse me," The investigator stopped her long story, "Could you please not explain that to me. I would rather not know about your uh ‘private life’, could you start after you got out of the tub, or bathroom?"

Derpy was embarrassed a bit; "Sorry...I thought you wanted the whole day...okay..."

Both of them had almost finish blushing.

"OK can you start again?"

"Sure thing, Mr. Red Cheeks!” She said smiling and sticking her tongue out.

Author's Note

if you are thinking it is a trooll fic it isn't. it gets funnyer and stupider later on. sorry for the cahnge in writeing style, people write difrently.

enjoy!!!