As the video begins, a smooth, soothing classical piece plays over a title card, welcoming the viewer. Rainbow Dash leans back in her chair, a smirk forming on her face as the introduction begins. The words “Disasterpiece Theatre Proudly Presents” dash to the center-screen, hanging there for a second before fading away, the violins singing as the title emerges.
“May the Best Pet Win” is drawn onto the title card artistically (Likely something Rarity put together in the video editing software she used), the “n” in “Win” extending into a looping tail to the bottom of the screen. As the title card fades away, Dash can’t help but begin smirking.
Her smile broadens further as who should appear on the screen but Applejack seated in a burgundy armchair reading a book, dressed in a comfortable purple robe and nerdy reading glasses, her Stetson traded for a fez. A warm fire in the fireplace helps the lighting and sets the sophisticated, gentle tone of the scene. She claps the book shut as she notices the camera, as if acknowledging somepony had just entered the room. “Ah!” she chirps in a Trottingham accent that is bad enough to make Rainbow Dash wince, “Didn’t see you come in.
“Welcome to Disasterpiece Theatre, wherein are read the most engaging tales of sacrifice, beauty, and the equine soul. Such touching stories will likely lift your spirits as the beautifully-crafted worlds take your breath away and the whimsical writing leaves you on the edge of your seat. Today’s story is ‘May the Best Pet Win’ by Doringo2003, in which a group of daring young mares challenge modern societal norms and engage in proclivities largely considered abnormal, declaring forbidden love upon each other’s most cherished pets.”
Rainbow Dash begins to laugh at Applejack’s downy delivery and wonders how in Equestria she was able to go through all that in one take. Rarity evidently helped with the elegant monologue, making Applejack appear even more preposterously out of her own range. The ridiculous toothy grin she possesses and wide open eyes made her appear almost like a wild mare attempting to look civil, adding to the absurdity of it all.
Rainbow Dash hadn’t noticed it before, but there are papers in Applejack’s lap. She picks them up and shuffles them. “Our journey to enlightenment begins,” she says dramatically before clearing her throat. The smile on Dash’s face becomes even wider as she chuckles at Applejack’s hilarious acting.
“It was fine day,” Applejack began, apparently leaving in all grammatical errors. “The sun was up and singing birds were sunging. The grass was green. Twilight Sprkle livid in the libray with her dragging Spike. But there was an other who livid in their wit hem.” Smiling, Applejack clicked her tongue and took a deep breath. Rainbow Dash does likewise.
“He was an ow. An ow named Owl-Wishes. Owl-Wishes was unluke other owls, in that he was supper smurt, and now who to cook.” At this, Rainbow Dash hears a quiet snicker. It’s likely Rarity, since they were using her camera for this video project.
“On day, Twillit was visit-ted by her beautiful fried, Applejack.” At this, Applejack looks up to the camera and holds a seductive leer as the classical music continues. As she points to herself, Applejack runs her tongue under her top teeth in an attempt to look sexy. Rainbow Dash nearly loses herself laughing.
Applejack ends her ad-libbing and continues the story. “’Howdy,’ sad Applejack. ‘I hard you needed some help today.’
“‘That is right!’ said Twilit. ‘I forget all about my work’ and then she left the rom. Applejack look around the room and saw books and stands and wood. He fond it boring.” Applejack stops and raises an eyebrow. “He fond it boring,” she murmured, her deliciously awful Trottingham accent dropped. She lowers the papers she holds, and with one hoof checks down the front of her bathrobe. Rainbow Dash snorts and erupts into a laugh.
Applejack shakes her head. “Definitely some kinda misunderstandin’,” she says as she continues her journey to madness.
“In the room with her is Owl-wishes. Applejack has never noticed it bef-pre, but Owl-wishes wad actually ratter hand sum.” Her eyes go up from the pages to her viewing audience. With a single, quick look, Applejack telegraphs that this is exactly where everything starts going to Tartarus. The music piece now changes to what sounds like a waltz.
“‘Howdy Owl-wishes,’ sais Applejack. ‘You are loking very god today.’
“Hoo, sad Owl-wishes.” Applejack shakes her head and traces a nonexistent tear down her cheek. “Poor, poor Owl-wishes,” she says sarcastically, ending her statement with a goofy pout. She resumes reading.
“‘You!’ said Applejack.
“‘Hoo,’ said Owl-wishes.
”‘No, I mean you,’ said Applejack. ‘You look nic enoug for me to kiss!’”
Applejack looks up to the viewing audience, holding her deer-in-the-headlights gaze for almost a full minute, a sly grin growing on her lips the whole while. Rainbow Dash gets the feeling this was where Applejack realized doing a satirical reading of this story probably wasn’t a good idea. It was the kind of situation in which, since you started and it was all your idea, you needed to finish it—but it didn’t mean you had to enjoy it one bit.
“The moment the word were out of her mouth, Applejack considered dong it. After all, she had neer bean ask out by a colt or stallion or boy of any kind—” (At this, Applejack turns to her audience and drops her pretend-accent) “—Gee, thanks a bunch, kid—” (She returns to the pages as Rarity snickers) “and here was Ow-wishes, all alone in his libary.
“‘In fat,’ said Applejack, ‘May bee I out to kiss you!’ So she dud. It was quick peek on the bake, but it tasted lick boney.” An eyebrow is raised. “She like it so nuch, she wanted more. ‘Owl-Wishes,’ she said, ‘If’n I got yer concert, would it be OK to kiss you again?’
“‘Hoo,’ said Owl-Wishes.
“‘Ill talk that as a yes,’ said Applejack and she took Owl-Wished off stand his and kiss him again like they were married.” The music track changes again, this time into a more furious-sounding crescendo. Applejack smirks at her audience, then continues.
“Her hoofs rubbed his feather face like eager, and tickled his wings. He hood and insert his tong in Applejack’s eat, tickling and lickling her eardrum. She giggle like filly.” Applejack rolls her eyes. “That was when she became like a beast and put her tongues in Owl-Wishes’s mouth.” She looks up to the viewer and adds flatly, “’Coz I got more’n one tongue. Apparently this all takes place after Ah turn inta some kinda mutant.” A chuckle is heard offscreen. A jump-cut, and Applejack is back to reading.
“They kissed and kissed for what felt like foreever. Applejack didn’t want this to wend! For the very fist time in her life, she felt wanted.” A stern scowl crawls across Applejack’s lips. Rainbow Dash snickers at her reaction. “Her lover was in owl,” Applejack continued, deciding to drop her negativity, “but was the most beauty-full owl in world. She love hin no matter hat.
“The kissing soon turned to pissin…” Applejack amusedly raises an eyebrow at the last word as a stifled laugh is heard from offscreen. “Ah’m gonna juss assume that’s supposeta be ‘passion.’” She clears her throat. “The kissing soon turned to passion, with Applejack and Owl-Wishes rolling on floor like there was an earthquack under neat them.
“‘Ah can’t wait any logger,’ said Apple! Jack. ‘Ah muss have you! You are mah only one and only!’
“‘Hoo?’ hoo’ed Owl-Wishes.
“‘You are silly,’ sid Apple-Ack.” Applejack grasps a hoof over her throat at “ack” as if to emphasize the choking sound, crossed eyes, and lolling tongue she accompanies with it. This sudden burst of ham causes Rainbow Dash to snort and laugh so hard she has to pause the video. After a few seconds, she calms down and clicks the continue tab.
“Their act of pass ion lasted longer that Applejack hopped. Finally, she stud up and turn around nad lift her tall.” Applejack shakes her head and takes a deep breath, smiling like a teenager reading something dirty. “‘Quack!’ she said—” (She turns to once again flatly address her audience) “—‘Coz Ah had the misfortune’a turnin’ into a duck mid-makeout—” (Back to the reading!) “—‘Ah’m burnig up! Put… Put in me an RIDE ME LIKE A ROMEO!’”
She pauses and looks at her audience, allowing the raunchy absurdity of her last sentence to sink in. She shakes her head, half in amusement, half in I can’t believe that just came out of my Celestia-damned mouth. Continuing with her story, Applejack sighs. “An so Owl-Wishes flow up and put his boy-thingy into Applejack’s you-know-hat and pushed an pull in her until they war moving like a sog. She began hooping and screaming as Owl-Wishes hood (But hooing real loud because he was a girl).” Applejack shakes her head. The video jumpcuts, the music once again changing, this time to something slower. Rainbow Dash notices a few bottles of hard cider Rarity and Applejack must have forgotten to move out of the shot near the chair. The bottles are empty—three in all.
“She was coming close to coming,” says Applejack with a slight but noticeable slosh in her voice. “So Applejack switch placed with Owl-Wishes so she was on too. Owl-Wishes hoo’ed in delight.
“Thit was win Applejack decide to sow down and suck on…” She looks reluctant to finish the sentence. She groans. “…Suck on his dinkamaroo.” Applejack looks back up as another snicker is heard. “No, no,” she chuckles with her Trottingham accent once again misplaced, “Ah ain’t shittin’ ya, sugarcube. It fuggin’ says that. Dinkama-gotdang-roo.
“She putt it in her moth, and huffed and puffed like she was a train.” At this, Applejack looks up. “All aboard the AJ express, y’all,” she says dryly. “Pretty soon Owl-Wishes was hooing real loud. Twilit hears a hoo, and went back into library to find AJ with her ow.
“‘WHAT THE TARTARUS ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHER TRUCKERS’ shotted Twi.
“‘We are doing the do,’ sad Applejack.” Applejack clicks her tongue. “Well, cain’t git much more blunt than that.” She continues.
“At this Twilight nod. ‘I see that,’ she daid. ‘But you should not be ducking my owl.’
“‘But who else is there?’ ask Applejack. ‘Nopony has ever ask us out on dates or be our boy friends.’” A long frown grows on Applejack’s face. A jumpcut, this time with several more empty hard cider bottles around her chair. Her orange face is now rosier, her voice forsaking the Trottingham accent, slurring every other sentence. It gets to the point where Rainbow Dash cannot tell what’s a drunken slur and what’s a genuine spelling error.
“An sho Tw… Twi-Hilight ageerd . ‘Ish time fer ush ta take it upon ourshelves an take FULL LIFE RESPONSHIBILIBEES.’
The drunken host looks to her audience. Underneath Applejack, the disclaimer “NOT ACTING” blinks in and out of visibility like a neon sign.
“Dis is hogshit, sugarcube. Hogshit! Ah ‘kin git laid if Ah wannit, an Ah don’t need no golt to feel shpeshul!” She shakes a hoof at nopony in particular as Rarity says “Damned shraight, sisser” (Evidently they both needed a nip). “Jush cuzza guy don’t never ashk me ta dance don’t mean Ah’m innerstid in mares needer… I gotta… Ah gotta repertayshin to uphur… ‘Sall hogshit.”
The host of this descent into depravity slowly begins to droop in her chair, her drunkenness so complete she can’t continue at all. Finally, at a loss for anything else she can possibly do, Applejack falls right off the chair, hitting the ground with a loud thud. The camera then fades to black while the classical music continues and the words “TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY” appear onscreen.
A jumpcut. Applejack, now apparently sober, continues as if it never happened. No empty cider bottles are near the chair. Evidently, this video took more than one or two sessions to actually film.
“After she sad that,” continued Applejack in her pseudo-Trottinigham accent, “Twi-Legit jump onto Owl-Wishes and star kissing him. ‘You are like my most beauty man,’ she cood.
“And so Applejack and Twilight took turns at Owl-Wishes, who turned to be vile.” Applejack smirks and breaks the fourth wall once again. “Ah’m gonna say that’s prolly suppose’ta be ‘verile’. Unless our boy tastes like horse apples.
“Twileg put her mout on Owl-Wishes’s boy part and beg in sucker. After a wily, she brought her head back up. ‘Owl-Wishes, you tate like honey!’ she excreamed.
“‘Sure as shootin sugarcube!’ Applejack repied. She sit on Owl-Wishes’ face and started putting his beka in her bo-bo.” The moment the word “bo-bo” comes out of her mouth, Applejack snorts. She repairs herself before she laughs, and digs into the next sentence.
“One in it was in, she go up and down and sexed him right in the face. They sexed and they sexed and they sexed—”
Finally, Applejack throws down the papers and walks right up the camera, mugging the shot. Her face falsely conveys the importance of the fact Apple-Ack and Owl-Wishes sexed, as if it is what the Internet calls “SERIOUS BUSINESS.” Rainbow Dash wonders if the soundtrack understands that too, as it switches from a calm piece into a much more furious sound.
“—and they sexed and they sexed AND THEY SEXED, SEXED, SEXED, SEXED, SEXED!!!”
Applejack holds her hilariously stern facial expression for as long as she can before she looks away, a smile forming on her lips. A jumpcut, and she’s back in the chair. Rainbow Dash snickers.
“They ended up sexing so hard Applejack went boom down here.” She looks up to her audience and after a second’s pause, shakes her head. “Her fluds splash on Owl-Wishes’ face like a rain of honey and she laugh like a screamy—Ah don’t even know WHAT THAT MEANS—and Owl-Wishes went goo.
“Twilig lick and burp Owl-Wishes’ boy part antil he shoot a cannon in her mouth. The lavender unicron threw her had back and yelped log and lod. It was great, like drink milk from a strem of honey and milk. It was teh best hing she had eve… put in… her gullet.
“‘Ow-Wishes!’ cried Twilight has she finish her gulp, ‘how come you never told me you we soo goo at his?’
“‘Hoo,’ said Owl-Wishes, now spent from spewing from his boy parts.” Applejack takes another deep breath, as if to remind herself her torment is nearly over.
“‘Owl-Wishes sore is sometig,’ sad Applejack. ‘He is so much bet ter then I expect.’
“‘Why did we not hink of this befro?’ ask Twi Light. ‘Now when I get horn I go with Owl-Wishes he makes a me happy gir.’” Deeeeeeep breath this time. Applejack reads the last few sentences with an almost triumphant gusto, despite her battle against succumbing to the madness ending in failure.
“‘I wondre how god Winna is at this,’ ask Appleack to herslef.
“‘Winona?’ Twilit repied. ‘But Aj she is a girl I tought you were strat.’”
“Applej ack smoled as she walk out libay. ‘I am but now no I am no,’ she sad. ‘Winona is good do and she been special good so I will reward her for beige good.’ And so she left the library like she was going to.
“Twilit then begin to wander. How was all other pet in compared to Owl-Wishes? Were they just as god as him or were they worse? She had to know bause she was genis and also Celestia’s numb erone student. She would write to the Princes about this experns and make compare to Owl-Wish. ‘I will compare all pets to you,’ she said.
“What will happen next? Will all girl go for ther happy sex pets? Or will they real boy frieds? Wait for read next chapter and go!” Applejack smirks as she reads aloud the last line. With a sideways glance at her audience, she quips, “Are you a bad ’nough dude to read through the rest’a this story?” She sets down the papers.
Her Trottingham accent returns with a jumpcut and comforting, sophisticated music. “The first chapter, of six, is now completed. Such a daring tale will certainly change the lives of millions of readers. While we await the next chapter, let us digest what we have learned from such an exquisite reading—such as that it is perfectly safe to repeatedly put a sharp owl beak into one’s bo-bo.
“Tune in next time for a very special reading from our guest speaker, Fluttershy! Until then, I bid you all adieu.” With that, Applejack reopens her book from the beginning as the same music from before increases in volume, taking the audience out of the video as it goes to credits. Rainbow Dash snickers and is about to close the video when, out of the blue, “COMING UP NEXT” springs onto the screen.
It cuts to Fluttershy at a table. Before her is a small stack of papers—presumably Chapter 2 of this nonsense fanfic—and all across the table is scattered several empty bottles of hard cider. Her face is flushed and her eyes unfocused. “Y… Ya want me to read what now?” she asks.
“The words on the paper, darling,” says Rarity from off-camera. “It’s a story starring all of us.”
She looks at the paper before her. “Hoh my goonness,” she slurs, “Izzat a story bout US? I thought it wazza fanfic. Like one’a those really... really bad ones.”
“Yes, darling, yes it is—but it’s a terrible one where we all go and… well, you’ll see when you read it.”
“Iz this the reason you guys were drinkin’ with me? You… You want me ta read thish crap?”
“Sugarcube, don’t worry, it’s just a story somepony wrote. Cain’t hurt nopony.”
Fluttershy shifts about before falling over completely. A startled cry comes from Rarity, followed by a few seconds of quiet. A yellow hoof shoots up from behind the table. “ANGEL, BABY!” cries Fluttershy. “MOMMA NEEDS HELP!”
